Funny / The Goes Wrong Show

Like any project from "The Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society" or more accurately, Mischief Theatre, when tuning in to these "Plays", expect to be laughing, a lot.

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Series 1

The Spirit Of Christmas

• Robert dealing with the children in the opening scene. He works around them ignoring the budget and asking for game consoles by instead handing them signed copies of one of his books, Anything You Can Act, I Can Act Louder (Now with diagrams!).
• Annie and Max mixing up the prop containers, treating the Christmas Tree decorations as food, and vice-versa. The tree ends up getting decorated with sausages and topped by a roast turkey.
• Vanessa and Max set off a cracker, that explodes much larger than they expected. Vanessa is later startled awake several lines too early by the same cracker pyrotechnics going off near her head after Robert accidentally nudges the table.
• Vanessa's song going through three Truck Driver's Gear Changes and ending up too high in the register for her to sing. By the end of it, she looks like she is in physical pain.
• Robert's entrance as Santa is already messed up when he gets stuck in the chimney, and his remarks in the process don't help.
  Robert: My sack's caught in the flue.
  Sandra: You can't say that!
  Robert: 'course I can, it's a literal sack! I'm not talking about my balls, am I? (beat) Aah, ok, now my actual sack is caught.
• Robert is not best pleased with audience participation this time around.
  Santa: Are you sad, Belle?
  Belle: [tearfully] I am, Santa.
  Santa: Belle's sad! Awww...
  Audience: Awwwww!
  Robert: [breaking character] What are you doing? Do not participate. [Beat] Unbelievable.
• Jonathan getting trapped in the chimney, where he stays for the rest of the play. He does a game job of trying to keep going until he runs out of air (and gets horribly burned) near the end.
• Sandra having to do her duet dance with Jonathan, without Jonathan.
• Robert, having too many nips of the sherry (after finding out that it is real sherry), ends up playing Santa as a drunk.
  Robert: Christmas, ultimately - commercial holiday. Who's the real winner at Christmas? I'll tell you who? Amazon!^note Becomes Hilarious in Hindsight when Amazon broadcast the series in America
  • Shortly after he first gets drunk, Robert screws up the line, "Fantastic magical friend" as, "Magfastic fagical friend", "Fanfastic magifal" and "Fantastic vaginal friend".
  • He stops midsentence when he has to say that Santa's sleigh is in the garden, despite having come down the chimney earlier.
    Jonathan: (still stuck in the chimney) We must return to the chimney!
    Robert: You're already in the chimney, you fool! Sleigh's in the garden anyway- None of this play makes sense.
• Robert's musical number doesn't even try to hide the fact that his singing voice is dubbed. The camera even pans too far to the right, revealing the actual singer, who Robert eventually takes the mic from and forces the audience to (badly) sing along with him. He even chastises the audience for not singing a D flat (when the note is actually a B, no less).
• Chris' carrot nose goes into Vanessa's mouth as he tries to hug her.
• Robert says that the Magical Toy Machine can make any toy imaginable, and immediately backpedals to specify, "Not rude stuff, obviously." The one toy it is seen making is a stuffed unicorn...which gets stuck and rips in half.
• Annie, playing the mother, enters the scene, requiring Rob, Chris and Sandra to hide behind the curtains...which fall to the floor.
• Chris' snowman costume gets caught in the Magical Toy Machine during his musical number, and he ends up having to evacuate it from the bottom, ending up only in his underwear.
  • Later, he is supposed to offer his biscuit buttons to Vanessa, and is forced to feed her a button from his boxer shorts. The awkwardness of it all ends up making Sandra's line, "Did that taste good?" come off as rather sinister.
• Trevor trying to wrestle the bottle of sherry from Robert, while the family is reconciling.
  Robert: (after slamming Trevor against the sliding door) You stupid man! I hope you have a bad Christmas!
• At the opening of the show, Dennis interrupts Chris' address to the audience to ask what sound a reindeer makes. Chris hisses "Clearly a matter for rehearsals, Dennis!" snappily at him and shoos him off. When Dennis returns as Rudolph near the end and it is his turn to speak, he says "Clearly a matter for rehearsals, Dennis!" whilst impersonating Chris' snobby voice. Made better by the fact that his deer antlers are the mounted ones, wood plaque included, from The Lodge.
• "This is NOT your best work, Chris."
• When Santa enters after the family reconciles...
  Robert: Thank you, Belle, now let's have another one of those sherries.
  Vanessa: No, no, I don't- I don't think that I...should. I'm only a little girl!
  Robert: You're 26.
• "Remember, little ones, if you're ever worried about a thing, I'll come to your house."

The Pilot (not the pilot)

• All of the hilarious inconsistency with the history of the plot. Which starts off with the title card revealing this WWII drama takes place in 1961.
• Dennis as the ETA. And even then screwing up the plot by sending telegrams that weren't supposed to be sent until later in the play.
  Vanessa: Incoming telegram. Must be from Wycombe.
  Dennis: Vim vim vim vim vim vimvim.
  Vanessa: Wycombe is a spy.
  Chris: No, that's… not for now. There's another message.
  Dennis: Vim vim vim vim vim vim vim vimvim vim.
  Vanessa: The Germans didn't attack Plymouth. There must be a spy at—
  Chris: No! That's not the message!
  Dennis: Vim vim vim vimvim.
  Vanessa: The war is over.
  Chris: NO, IT ISN'T! Try again!
  Dennis: Vim-vimvim vim vim vim—vim?
  Vanessa: Oh, Wycombe is about to arrive.
  Chris: Right, good. We already knew that.
• Dennis takes so many tries to get the spy's name right that he's forced to declare "Out of paper!" and "Low on ink!" in the same tone as his "vim-vim" noises.
• Vanessa, playing the exotic Camille, sprinkling in French nonsense. And later German. And Spanish.
• Annie and Sandra playing a split screen telephone scene, only problem each keep reaching across the Split Screen, until the strip between them collapses.
• Robert (playing Hitler) accidentally ends up onstage and panics trying to find a hiding place. He tries the pulldown screen—which is a full-body life-sized picture of himself as Hitler, with his legs sticking out from the bottom. Then he dives into the wardrobe. Where he ends up being handed Wycombe's bag. He finally exits by walking, in the wardrobe, off the set.
• Sandra delivering the line "What would any German officer sign off with? Heil Hitler!" in an overly seductive manner and giving a flirtacious look to the camera.
• Chris, Vanessa and Sandra all squeezing into the tiny stairway.
• Annie's character getting out of a shower and drying off whilst talking to Sandra, whenever her head is out of shot her body is replaced by that of a muscular man.
• Max getting tangled up in all the wires.
  "To hell! With! The test!"
• Chris loses his temper after the offstage actors turn up in the window one too many times, leading Robert to comment "Chris, that tone is exactly why everyone said you should play Hitler."
  • Becomes a Brick Joke as Dennis fails to remember who the traitor is, and who Chris is playing.
  Dennis: I thought you were Hitler!
• Chris not being strapped in properly to his plane and falling from the flying contraption, and hanging by his legs.
• The decoders at Caraway House each shake hands with Churchill in turn... and so does Dennis, standing up with the cut-out desk around him.
  "Vim!"
• Jonathan is unable to get his Winston Churchill makeup mask off, and concedes he is Winston Churchill after all.

A Trial to Watch

• The courtroom set is built incredibly tiny, due to the builders interpreting the dimensions in centimeters, instead of inches. This has some comical real world context as when "The Play That Goes Wrong" made the transfer from London to New York, the builders, believing that since the plans came from the English, did indeed interpret the scale in the metric system instead of the imperial standards of the United States.
• Dennis & Vanessa spend a minute or so struggling to sit down in the tiny courtroom set. Just as soon as they're able to get seated...
  Annie: (as Bailiff) All rise!
• Jonathan is unable to play his role as the foreman of the jury, due to him not being able to fit on the courtroom set. Despite the fact that he is the only juror with lines, the others refuse to let him in. His part ends up entirely replaced by Annie as the Bailiff informing the Judge that the foreman is "in the hall."
• Dennis mixes up the plea as "guilty," and after prompting by Chris, "not guilty now, but guilty later," spoiling the end of the play.
  Robert: Council, how does your client plead?
  Dennis: Guilty, your honor.
  Chris: Not guilty.
  Dennis: The script says guilty.
  Chris: Not guilty now, that's later.
  Dennis: Not guilty now, but guilty later.
  • He also misinterprets an instruction to ad-lib as his actual dialogue.
    Robert: Is there anything you'd like to add?
    Dennis: Yes, your honor. Some arrogant legal stuff, and a line about him being right-handed that's important for the plot later.
    Robert: My god, you're good.
• Max sitting down on the sofa leads to the split set rolling apart for a moment, followed by his leg getting trapped between the two halves.
• The split scenes being mixed up.
• Vanessa's treadmill being wired up to Dennis' by mistake, causing hers to increasingly get faster, as Dennis tries to turn his on.
• Max falling out of the morgue's shelf.
• Chris and Robert have to act with only their heads in the teeny-tiny judge's quarters. This entails Robert having to open his filing cabinet and turn the desk lamp on with his teeth. Then Robert accidentally inhales the tiny paper he's supposed to be reading, right before he declares that he digests all his cases thoroughly.
• After Chris leaves the scene, the phone in the office rings.
  Robert (agitated): I can't answer it, can I?!
• Max's blood pack malfunctions until the final testimony scene, when it sprays Chris from head to toe in false blood. In the courtroom scene immediately after, Chris has to deliver the line "It's not true, I didn't do it." While covered in false blood.
• Annie, as the cheating wife is supposed to hide in the cupboard, but as one half of the set has been replaced with the forensics lab and the other with the gym, she is forced to hide in the mortuary shelf - which later slides out, sending her shooting down onto the treadmill and out through the back wall.
• "Living room, living room, living room... Living Room! Living Room! Living Room!!! LIVING ROOM!!! LIVING ROOM!!! LIVING ROOM!!! LIVING ROOM!!! LIVING RO -om, living room..."
• "It was a night of passion and happiness, piness, piness..."
• Chris's voice goes up an octave as he struggles to sit at the table.
• The cast getting thrown out of the moving courtroom set when it rolls in and stops with a thud.
• Jonathan's telecast as the news journalist being cut off at inopportune times by static.
• Vanessa and Dennis' barrister wigs get stuck in the ceiling of the set after one "All rise."
• The cast commentary reveals that Nancy Zamit was actually short enough to stand up straight in the courtroom set, and had to fake her bent neck.

The Lodge

• The cast filling in the three minute gap of the show with excessive adjectives.
• The knob to the kitchen coming undone.
• Max and Annie falling out of the Study's door.
• "GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!"
  • "GET IN!!! GET IN!!!"
• Robert having trouble with the chairlift. It launches him through the wall.
• Robert's Laughing Mad search for a door to exit the stage. The door he's supposed to exit through leads onto a blank wall. The others either don't open, or lead to a drop. He ends up laughing non-stop for around two minutes. When he opens the study door and sees the drop, he screams, and seamlessly turns it back into a laugh. Robert finally exits through a tiny cupboard under the stairs.
• Vanessa getting splashed when Trevor throws the rain water through the broken window.
• Vanessa's pregnancy bump balloon constantly popping.
• A newspaper supposedly from the 1930s prominently features "The Spice Girls Reunion Tour" in the byline.
• Robert having trouble with the gun, to the point it breaks in half. After he drops the stick into the barrel, he screams "It fell into the hole!" but is screaming so loud that its barely comprehensible. Made even funnier when you learn that this moment wasn't scripted, and Henry Lewis' frazzled reaction is real.
• Robert being knocked out by a falling candlestick, knocking his head on every banister as the chairlift proceeds up the stair case, in a daze falling from the balcony, upon which a suit of armor collapsing on top of him, and finally Annie slamming the study's door into him.
• The written message on the wall: EXPECT MORE BOIDES.
• Chris and Robert continually upstaging each other during their mutual death scene.
• Jonathan is unable to open the door Chris had locked, leading to Vanessa having to go off book and actually kill Annie's character.
• Sandra's attempt at a Jump Scare failing when the camera knocks into her.

Harper's Locket

• Jonathan having trouble with doors.
  • In one case he chooses to give up and smashes through the plate glass window instead.
  • In the other case, when he can neither open the door or smash through the glass, he instead screams at a high enough pitch.
  • In the end, Jonathan finally is able to open the door, to the audience's applause, only to step on the croquet mallet, knocking himself in the balls.
• The squib in Chris' jacket goes off near the start of the play and continues throughout every time it's reset. He reacts by saying "excuse me" each time as though his character's simply passed gas... even at the end, when his character is actually shot dead.
• Robert overacting his character's Incurable Cough of Death as spastic fits of coughing.
• Annie, Robert and Chris battling the Player Piano, only stopped when Robert accidentally throws the cat into the mechanism.
• Chris tries to give a one-pound note to Harper, who is supposed to refuse it—only, Harper is played by Max.
  Chris: "Take this." — don't take it!
• Max then gets the point ... except when Chris' character stuffs the note down Max's shirt, he tries to hand it back to him.
• Robert trying to retrieve the "stolen" one-pound note from Max's pocket with the line "How do you explain this?" only to come up with a pack of bubblegum ("This hasn't been invented yet!"), a handful of milk sachets ("You're not supposed to take these from the canteen!") and part of a script for "Dr. Frog" which includes the line "Look at these medical reports, they're ribbiting..." ("Did you write this? This is DROSS!")
• Robert getting doused with the rain effect through the hole in the ceiling.
• The ceiling fan drops down to the table, as Chris, Sandra, Robert and Annie continue to try and get through the dinner scene without being decapitated, despite the blades still turning.
• Trevor falling through the glass ceiling, and his bare arse getting exposed, after his pants get ripped off when the crew tries to retrieve him.
  Sandra: (hesitantly while staring into Trevor's bum) Father, would you carve the rump?
  • Vanessa seasons the rump roast and almost checks the temperature before being stopped by the rest of the cast. According to Chris Leask, Bryony Corrigan really did put real pepper up his butt, and he continued finding more of it days after.
  • And finally, Chris accidently slaps his ass later in the scene.
• Max's groin getting caught in "Treacle's" vacuum mouth.
• The Cat Came Back out of the piano—unhurt, but enraged. Poor Annie.

90 Degrees

• The set builders being mixed up by the title, referring to the temperature in the Tennessee summer, and building the set for the study at an actual 90-degree angle.
  • After several disastrous attempts at remaining "upright" in the study and trying to leave through the sideways door, Sandra finally gets sick of it and stands on the wall, walking off the set.
  • And then there's the bedroom, having been built upside-down - Chris, Max and Sandra are clinging on for dear life to keep from falling "up".
  • When Sandra and Max open the door to the bedroom, there's a priceless Funny Background Event where they both look into the room, baffled - and then they look up. The look on Max's face before he climbs in is pure This Is Gonna Suck.
  • Jonathan's character Joe puts a pie on a windowsill, but since Jonathan is standing normally outside the set, he and the pie look upside-down.
    Jonathan: This meringue is lighter than air.
  • Just as Chris' character is about to pass on.
    Sandra: Hold on, Daddy.
    Chris: I don't think I can hold on much longer.
  • Then Chris' character passes on - and Chris ends up being yanked towards the ceiling the moment he lets go of the bed, making it look very much like he's been pulled into Heaven.
• Sandra prounouncing "business" as "bishnish." You know, like Americans do.
• The censorship bleeping of Dennis' racier lines, (or as Chris' mother calls it, Scottish Language) is a few seconds too early or late. Made funnier by the fact that the level of "racy" is limited to mild hells and damns.
• Annie spraying Sandra with a water gun to help her crying look more "real".
  • She uses the water gun again during the bedroom scene, using a ladder in order to reach Sandra.
  • She ends up running out of water by the time she has to help Dennis look like he's crying, deciding to splash hot coffee on him instead to send him into the appropriate amount of anguish.
• Chris and Robert arguing over the operation of Ruffles the mechanical dog, including Robert's attempts to give him an inner monologue.
  Chris: This is a naturalistic piece!
  Robert: Nothing natural about it, Chris; they built the set sideways!
• Sandra and Annie have to repeat their conversation as the others struggle to get Dennis and his wheelchair into the sideways study.
• Annie's attempts to serve the cast drinks and dinner during the meeting in the study predictably end in a wet mess. The real kicker of the scene comes when Annie is getting roughly hoisted out of the study and her Fake Boobs accidentally fall out of her shirt and bounce off the floor (wall?)^note actually a Throw It In! moment, with the line being completely improvised by Nancy Zamit.
  Annie: (as Melinda) Oh! There go my bosoms!
• Annie ends up having to chuck the cans of beer she's carrying to the rest of the cast. It takes Vanessa several attempts to catch hers (to the point of Henry Lewis visibly struggling not to laugh), and the unconscious Dennis has a can hit him directly on the behind (which Jonathan Sayer later confirmed as having really hurt).
• Renee attempts a tryst with Larry in the study—meaning that while Max is sitting at the top of the set, Vanessa has to try and sit on the vertical table to kiss him. She quickly loses her grip and falls backwards, which gives a surreal air to the dialogue when Sandra opens the sideways door to "catch" them.
  Sandra: What the sam hill is going on in here?
  Max: [desperately trying to hold onto Vanessa by the ankles while she flails around underneath him] Barbara, this is not what it looks like!
  Sandra: I have no idea what it looks like.
• Robert and Chris continue to argue over Robert's ad-libbing lines for Ruffles ("She's trying to blackmail you, Larry!"), and physically struggle for the remote - to the point Robert presumably slams Chris into the wall, knocking down a painting on the other side.
  Chris: Get out!
  Robert: Fine, I'm going to the canteen.
  Sandra: It's real simple, Larry. You give me the company, and I don't tell Buddy your dirty little secret.
  Max: What happened to us, Barb? Why can't we all be more like Ruffles?! He don't ask for nothin'!
  Robert: Packet of wine gums, please.
  Max: He ain't greedy!
  Robert: Family size, please.
  Max: And he don't care about money!
  Robert: £3.49? What is this, the cinema?! Absolutely not, I'll put them back.
  (Sandra and Max take a moment to gear up to continue the scene. Just as Sandra's about to speak...)
  Cashier: Excuse me sir, what have you just put in your trousers?
  Robert: Uh, nothing. *starts stammering*
  Cashier: Give me the wine gums, sir.
  Robert: No, no, no please, I just— look over there!
  Cashier: What?
  Robert: AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
  Cashier: Get back here!
  Robert: (panting heavily; his silhouette is visible outside the house) Alright, I think I lost him. Where the hell am I? I'm lost. Ah, should be safe in here. (proceeds to open the door back into the living room set without noticing and enters)
• Dennis and Vanessa's bear/beer debacle.
  Vanessa: Pass me that beer, would ya?
  Dennis: (staring at both the beer can and the bear statue on the table in confusion) ...what?
  Vanessa: ...I said, pass me that beer, would ya?
  (Dennis hesitantly picks up the bear statue, offering it to Vanessa)
  Dennis: (pronouncing it like "beer") ...the bear.
  Vanessa: No, not the bear. (Dennis sets the bear down) The beer.
  Dennis: (picks up the bear again) The bear.
  Vanessa: No, not the bear. The beer. (seeing Dennis offer her the bear again) No, no, that's the bear. Put that down. (he does so) Pass me... (making the "OK" hand sign) the beer.
  (Dennis nods in understanding - and picks up the bear again)
  Dennis: (making the "OK" hand sign like Vanessa did) The bear.
  Vanessa: No, not the bear! The beer!
  Dennis: (incredibly confused) THE BEAR!
  Vanessa: NOT THE BEAR! The—
  (Vanessa gets up, puts the bear back on the table, and swaps it with the beer can before sitting back down)
  Vanessa: ...the beer.
  (Dennis still goes for the bear)
  Dennis: The bear!
  Vanessa: (looking like she wants to strangle Dennis) Not the bear, the beer!!
  Dennis: Ohhh!
  (Dennis removes his beard)
  Dennis: The beard!
  Vanessa: NO, NOT THE BEARD! NOT THE BEARD! Uhm— Lager beer? Lager?
  Dennis: (seeming like he gets it) Larger bear! Ohhh, larger bear!
  (Dennis reaches under the table and picks up a giant bear statue)
  Dennis: Here you go! A larger bear!
  (seeing no other choice and looking seconds away from losing it, Vanessa begrudgingly takes the giant bear)
  Vanessa: ...thank you. (mimes opening a can and "drinks" from the bear)
  Dennis: (opens the beer he should've picked up the first time) Cheers!
  (Vanessa slumps against the couch feeling relieved that Dennis is finally holding the can - and gets startled by a jack-in-the-box suddenly popping out of the couch)
• When it is revealed Vanessa and Sandra's characters are having an affair, Ruffles (voiced by Robert) expresses he has some thoughts on the matter.
  Robert: Woof, woof, woof! (Beat) I've got some thoughts on this.
  Sandra: (out of character) No, you don't!
• At the end of the play, the Cornley police come looking for Robert for shoplifting. He manages to pin it on Chris.
  Max: Well, I guess it's just... (lifts Ruffles up) you and me now, Ruffles!
  Robert: Indeed it is, Larry. And there is much I need to say. (Beat) Why must—
  Officer: Excuse me, sir. Cornley police. Can I have a word?
  Robert: What?
  Officer: We've had reports of a man matching your description shoplifting. Could you come with us, please?
  Robert: It— it was Chris. He told me to do it.
  Chris: Can we help you?
  Officer: Is this man working under your instruction, sir?
  Chris: Yes, of course. I'm the director.
  Officer: Right. You're— you're under arrest.
  Chris: Wh- take your hands off me! (indistinct struggling as he's led off)
  Robert: Oop- microphone's still on. Uhh... the dog's dead.
  Max: ...Ruffles? Ruffles?! Ruffles, NO! (sits down on the couch - and gets startled by numerous jack-in-the-boxes)

Series 2

The Nativity

• Due to the BBC cutting funding to the show, the crew have to rely on a loan from a bank, leading to some increasingly forced Product Placement.
• Before the show starts, Chris informs the audience of a fire alarm test that was planned to happen the night of the show.
  Chris: I did email the BBC to try to have it moved, but they said they would rather disturb our broadcast than one of their empty studios. I called their bluff, and after a frank exchange, we will now be having two fire alarm tests tonight.
• Robert as the Archangel Gabriel falls out of his holdings and has to enter the set to continue the scene… with hilarious results.
  Robert: And I have been sent to tell you from up high... (Beat; walks over to the prop chair) I've been sent to tell you from up high—
  (Robert breaks the chair the moment he sets his foot on it, as well as knocking over the nearby shelf)
  Robert: ...I've been sent to tell you from here...
• The desert backdrop eventually turning into a blank piece of paper, followed by an argument between Chris and Trevor.
  Chris's writing: TREVOR PAINT MORE DESERT HERE
  (paintings of desserts scroll by)
  Chris's writing: THOSE ARE DESSERTS NOT DESERT. PAINT MORE DESERT HERE
  Trevor's writing: It is not my job to do this, Chris
  Chris's writing: DID YOU AT LEAST CUT FACE HOLES IN THE CACTUSES?
  (two actors in cactus costumes stumble by, knocking down all the actors on stage as well as bumping into Chris at the piano)
  Trevor's writing: It's actually Cacti
• The first fire alarm test goes off while the shepherds are being introduced.
  • Chris enters the stage and tells everyone to remain calm. Dennis does the exact opposite, before running off when Chris tells him it's a drill...
  • Trevor, not having gotten the memo that it's only a drill, starts ordering the audience to evacuate and blows off Chris when he tries to tell him otherwise, to the point that Chris ends up snapping at him and calling him a moron.
  • Max and Sandra get changed into their street clothes. Chris points out the idiocy of getting changed if there was a real fire instead of getting out.
  • One of the people in the cactus costumes enters, presumably heading towards the exit, and knocks Chris down, leading to him screaming in pain.
  • After the alarm stops...
  Chris: Merry Christmas! Let's continue.
  Dennis: (...and bringing back an actual drill) Here.
• Robert’s attempts to get the shepherds to give him his halo back after it falls to the ground.
  Robert: Halo.
  Vanessa, Annie and Dennis: Hello.
  • Which leads to this reference:
    Robert: Halo! Halo!
    Dennis: Is it me you're looking for?
• Robert resorts to asking for "my round, sparkly hat" and Trevor hands up... a glittery red bowler. Which is apparently Robert's personal round, sparkly hat.
• Robert yells "Jesus!" in surprise, then follows it in-character with a deadpan "No, he's not been born yet. Though that does bring me neatly onto my next point."
• Annie, Vanessa, and Dennis aren't given enough time to switch costumes and have to make their first appearance as the Wise Men without trousers. Every entrance of the Wise Men also has them do an absurd, high-kneed dance to the opening bars of "We Three Kings."
• Annie and Vanessa both claim to be the first Wise Men, while Dennis claims to be a shepherd. After some "correcting" by Vanessa, he claims to be "an idiot who is also wise, and a shepherd".
  Vanessa: You're a Wise Man.
  Dennis: Chris said I was an idiot.
  Vanessa: Well- you're both.
• Jonathan's Herod costume gets snagged in the revolving throne when its spin goes out of control, leaving him completely naked and having to turn the stuck throne back around without exposing himself. And then the throne turns around again on its own, leaving him back on stage.
• The cast trying to sing "Little Town of Bethlehem", only for Dennis to drop Chris's sheet music, mixing it up and leading the cast into a rendition of the song To the Tune of... "Funeral March", "Camptown Races", "Auld Lang Syne", and "Infernal Galop". Made better by the fact that the actual sheet music to "Little Town of Bethlehem" is prominently displayed on the back of the music sheets while this happens.
• Trevor gets stuck in the set, so Mary recognises him as John the Baptist^note who, in the Biblical account, was only a few months older than Jesus, if that in an attempt to make him seem like he belongs there.
• Dennis completely misunderstands the situation with the inns, resulting in him saying there are rooms, claiming that he is in fact Jesus Christ and that the savior has been born, a return of "GET OUT!!!", and Robert suddenly stepping in to play the unscripted part of "the old, lonely manager" after Dennis protests that there should be one because "it's Christmas."
  Chris: You two go and have your baby in the sodding manager!
  Max: Manger.
  Chris: Aarrrggghh!
• Since Annie, Vanessa, and Dennis are already playing the Wise Men in the stable scene, the shepherds are represented by drawn pictures of the actors — only both of the cutouts put on stage are of their Wise Men costumes.
  Chris: Mary, Joseph, and the six Wise Men awaited the birth of baby Jesus. The shepherds had decided to sit this one out... unless they were on the tab on the other side?
  (Sandra pulls the tab, revealing more Wise Men)
  Chris: No. No shepherds. Just nine Wise Men.
  Vanessa: (breaking character) It’s like MENSA in here.
  (Chris gives her a dirty look, shutting her up)
• Chris tries to continue playing the piano as a fire caused by the candle falling over gradually begins to consume it. Dennis brings on a blowtorch, declaring that he is "fighting fire with fire." Robert brings a fire extinguisher that falls apart as he tries to use it, leading to him throwing it at Chris before he takes off in the other direction.
• After having demanded more fireworks for his costume effects earlier, Robert's return as Gabriel sees him with a whole bunch of Roman candles strapped to his back... then him running around the stage screaming in terror as they go off... and finally declaring "now that was more like it!" once they've finally stopped fizzing.
• The set gets knocked over by Robert running around, so they do the final scene from a bird's eye view with them laying on the floor. Then Trevor shuts the book against their pleas, crushing them underneath.
• After the episode, Robert is forced to read an apology consisting of all the compliance breaches that happened over the course of the show for Brookshaw Corporate Finance. Among the breaches he rattles off are "actor playing cactus killed in series of freak scene dock accidents", "inaccurate depiction of donkey", "use of laser in biblical text", "on-set fist fight during pre-record", "on-set fist fight post-record", "theft of doll", "use of stolen goods to represent Baby Jesus", "hostages taken for Laugh Track recordings", "director established as flight risk after background check", and "episode 14 seconds too long".
  Robert: Oh, this is cobblers. Why do I have to apologize? I've done nothing-

Summer Once Again

• When he introduces himself as the director, Robert cues a stock cheering sound that ends rather abruptly, as well as a stock booing sound for when he introduces Chris after giving him his lines.
• Robert confidently announcing there will be no mistakes in his play, then proceeding to make a mistake himself.
  Robert: Tonight, everything will be perfrect. Perfrect? Perfect. Sorry, that was an error! There'll be no more errors.
• The second repeat has Robert rewrite Chris's dialogue to be more humiliating.
  Robert: That scene is really working now.
• The Rule of Three of parts of the set being missing the first time the first scene begins. First it's the table, then it's the actors, then it's the house.
  Robert: Oh, for goodness' sake! (blows whistle)
• Dennis repeatedly mixing up the word "hard" in his lines, turning them into Innocent Innuendo. He interprets an order to "stop saying hard" very literally, meaning he doesn't even say it when he's actually scripted to.
• Dennis reading entries from Robert's rehearsal diary, while Robert frantically switches the diary with a prop Bible.
• Robert keeps appending "again" to the name of the play when he orders a restart.
  Robert: Please enjoy Summer Once Again... again.
  • And then...
    Robert: Please enjoy Summer Once Again... again again.
• Some lines of dialogue end up becoming ironic the more they’re repeated.
  Vanessa: I feel as if I have lived this moment a thousand times.
  Dennis: This meat is as tough as old boots.
• Poor Dennis having to eat four full plates of goulash before having giant pieces of cake fed to him—and then having to literally eat a pair of galoshes that Annie accidentally serves.
• The last runthrough is easily the most chaotic, as various characters either make more mistakes or take advantage of its repetitive nature - with it getting even more chaotic when Robert begins going through it super fast to ensure there's enough time.
  • Max has gotten savvy to the wood logs and the oven, so he just points at the log when it splits to make it look like he has mind powers and brings a pair of oven mitts to prevent burning his hands again.
  • Dennis simply can't get his lines right.
    Dennis: Careful not to work the work too work!
    (Robert blows his whistle)
    Dennis: Careful not to hard the work too hard!
    (Robert whistles again)
    Dennis: Careful not to get the two workmen too hard!
  • Robert's entrance goes wrong when the "NOBLE WAR HERO" banner drops right on him, resulting in him getting startled by the confetti firers and faceplanting right into the manure wheelbarrow. Vanessa decides against hugging him because of the smell, and Chris (who Robert has cast as a manure-eater) decides to rub it in.
    Chris: Well, if that's all, sir, I must be going; but... it looks as though someone's beaten me to my supper this evening.
  • Robert and Max having a high-speed game of chess that somehow goes perfectly.
  • Dennis's line as a ghost.
    Dennis: Though I'm gone, I'm always hard!
• Robert's rapid-fire explanation of the plot when he realizes his resets have left the actors with six minutes to complete the play. It involves a lot of people dying of typhoid. Ironically, he goes through it all so fast he actually ends up with significant time to spare. And then he realizes his watch is slow just after deciding to start the second scene and give Jonathan as the doctor some time on screen, so it really is the end of the show.
• Chris calmly asks Robert how many mistakes were in his play.

The Most Lamentable…

• Chris smugly notes during his introductory speech that the cast came crawling back to him after Robert's disastrous turn as director. He then calls Robert up to give him his rewritten lines for the evening.
  Robert: This is blank.
  Chris: Yes it is. Robert and I mutually agreed that it would be best if he only played non-speaking parts this evening.
• Robert interrupting the chorus by constantly hitting a gong. Not even grabbing the hammer from him or taking the gong away from the frame stops him.
• The King losing “his” costume and being forced to act around this.
  Annie: Where be my man penis? 'Tis vanishèd!
• The visor on Jonathan's rusted-out suit of armor clangs down and sticks, leaving him to deliver all of his dialogue in an indecipherable muffle.
• The queen and Malcolm are supposed to kiss. Jonathan does manage to stick his tongue quite far out of the visor so that Vanessa (looking very disturbed) can kiss the end of it.
• Robert as "the relevant trumpeter".
  • In the battle scene, Robert plays several knights at once by attaching puppets to the sides of his costume with extra shields—and operates them as puppets. Then he spins it around to reveal that the other side is blue-and-yellow French soldiers, and improvises a conversation between them. One used to be a pacifistic trumpeter forced into the war. He then attempts a musical number as the soldier, and only then does Chris remind him he's supposed to be a non-speaking part.
  • "And yet I am no tree! I AM THE RELEVANT TRUMPETER, DISGUISED!"
  • Robert makes sure to follow every mention of Chris's character name, Richard, with "Dick."
• During the battle scene, Vanessa gets a fake cannon ball dropped on her foot and she whacks Dennis with the fake cannon in turn while she's doubled over in pain.
• Trevor shows why he only acts as stage manager for the society in his few speaking lines.
  Trevor: Erm... Suf-FER-ing GREAT-ly AT the FRENCH-man's HAND / but WHO com-ETH yon-DER hill-TOP? A MAN!
  Trevor: HOO-ray!
• At one point the camera cuts to a pre-recorded Chris astride his noble steed — a Shetland Pony, which Chris is standing astride and which ambles off with Chris in unwilling tow before he's able to finish his speech.
  Chris: Bravery rule thy head; let valor be thy light. Bravery— (makes uncomfortable noises as the horse starts walking off)
• Max trolls Chris, since their characters are supposed to be exactly alike down to the way they speak, by being a deliberate Large Ham. Chris, forced by his sense of acting dignity to sacrifice his personal dignity for the show, delivers each more absurd pronunciation through clenched teeth and is quivering with rage while Max is doubled over and nearly crying with laughter. Robert, who’s snuck on stage as a tree, is also audibly exasperated at the trolling, since he’s stuck with non-speaking parts while Max blatantly abuses his role... and Max nods his head in agreement.
• Dennis accidentally destroying the lyrics to "Bonny Peggy Ramsey" and improvising new lyrics based off the meats on the banquet table (which spirals rather quickly into bestiality).
• Trevor's codpiece falling open immediately after the line, "...at last, this wicked truth, revealed."
• Chris dropping the vial of poison after holding it by the cork, immediately after saying he approaches "in silence and in stealth". Trevor steps in wearing a high-vis jacket over his costume and puts plastic cones around the broken glass, then hands Chris a bottle of soda to replace the poison. Annie is startled by having soda poured in her ear instead of the "poison", which Chris immediately apologizes for.
• After killing the king, Chris calls for a guard. Robert, who has been standing there the whole time behind a picture frame, immediately throws it aside.
• Vanessa desperately trying to get Dennis to understand that she is referring to things happening in the play and him failing to understand.
  Dennis: He was murdered by Chris!
  Vanessa: Prithee, but... who doth Chris play?
  Dennis: The king.
  Vanessa: Nay. The king didn't kill the king, did he?
  Dennis: He said he was the king... methinks.
  Vanessa: Yes, well, he's the king now, but before he killed the king, who was he?
  Dennis: Chris.
  Vanessa: No! That's reality! Join me in fiction! In the play, who is Chris?
  Dennis: The director.
  • Robert, who thus far has been making attempts to appear in the play as often as he can, eventually decides that "I don't even want to be in this scene."
  • Immediately after, Vanessa finally hits the Rage Breaking Point:
  Vanessa: Look! My— my goodly fool, my heart in pieces / tides thee submit gentle Malcolm hither.
  Dennis: What?
  Vanessa: GET MALCOLM, GET MALCOLM, GET MALCOLM!
  Dennis: Alright! Alright!
  • And Dennis even screws that up by getting Malcolm the janitor from backstage.
• Jonathan strikes the fallen lamp with his sword, causing himself to be electrocuted, and his suit magnetically ionized.
• Jonathan's magnetized suit getting him trapped in an iron maiden, from which he and Max proceed to sword fight.
• After being crowned King (thanks to every other heir being dead, the actors playing the next best options getting knocked out, and Dennis being sent away with a Blunt "No"), Robert's first course of action is to demand Chris's execution.
  Robert: And at last, the trumpeter is relevant!

There Is No Escape

• Due to BBC policy, all the knives in the show are replaced with spoons.
• At the start of the show, Chris assures everyone that the title does not mean that you cannot leave the studio, although the fire exits are locked.
• Chris' cell constantly falling apart. Trevor gets stuck in the cell with him after trying to fix the door, and resorts to pulling off the bars on the front — just after the narration says there's "no way out." Chris then holds on to the empty space in front of him where the bars were.
• The Running Gag of the narration being at odds with what’s happening, even accidentally spoiling Stu Malone's death and dropping the closing line in the first scene.
  Vanessa: (with her hands around Chris' throat) Hey, I ain't nobody's buddy! I ain't here to make friends!
  Narration!Chris: We shook hands. I knew we were gonna be good friends.
  (Chris and Vanessa awkwardly shake hands)
• Even when the dramatic moment of Stu Malone's death does come around, the narration screws it up by playing the line "Then he looked at me and said his last words" a second time, forcing Vanessa to retcon her last words into...
  Vanessa: (looking very uncomfortable) Prison... prison is a... we're in prison. (dies again)
• Dennis as Marty the bird. He interprets "pecks" as "lift up shirt and expose pecs", "flies down" as "unzip your trouser fly", and "bird sweeps in" as "enter the scene holding a broom".
  Dennis: Bird noise!
  Chris: No, make the noise! Caw, caw!
  (Dennis starts making car noises)
• Vanessa, Annie and Sandra's fake plastic torsos.
• Annie patting Sandra on the back causes her to accidentally swallow her harmonica, giving all her dialogue musical backing as she keeps blowing into it whenever she speaks.
• Mick The Muscle's first appearance is undermined by her pull-up exercises being assisted by Trevor lifting her up, her own macho swagger being interrupted when Annie frantically runs towards the camera to hastily remove the "One Week Later" caption, and her bragging to Max about needing protein leading to her doing fifty (read: one) pushups.
• The required set pieces are lowered onstage by wires. Not only does the crew start getting the wrong backgrounds and furniture halfway through the play, but the Warden's office only comes down halfway. Even with Robert hanging off the furniture, it stubbornly stays a foot above the floor, forcing him and Annie to jump around ridiculously. This also naturally makes some of the lines during the scene seem unintentionally apropos:
  Annie: I’ve always looked up to you, Warden.
  Robert: (later) I can’t have that. Not if I want to work in... (dramatic pause; camera zooms out to show office) high office.
• Mick describing the Warden as "a little jumpy", after Robert has had to haphazardly pour two glasses of whiskey while having to jump up to the cupboard.
• Chris' character has stowed some escape equipment in the showers. Unfortunately, his escape sequence has the set for the Warden's office come down in place of the showers, so he has to make do with a line of dental floss instead of a rope and a pair of scissors instead of bolt cutters. Neither of these help in the next scene, requiring them to contradict a previous line about being unable to go under the wall (since the wall set also didn't come all the way down) and painfully barge through the barbed wire fence.
  Max: (after pushing through the barbed wire and visibly suffering with the others) Piece of cake!
• Robert tries to take over from Olivia's exposition (out of frustration for Lucy's performance) by adding the character of Timmy during her scene, much to Chris' frustration.
  Robert: (offstage) Say your little brother Timmy wants to speak to him.
  Lucy: Umm... Timmy wants to speak to you.
  Robert: (enters wearing a propeller hat and holding a lollipop and a teddy bear, while speaking in his normal voice) Waah, daddy, waah! I'm a sad little boy!
  Chris: Stop adding characters!
  Robert: (getting dragged off by Chris) I have to go, apparently I don't exist.
• Annie's costume as "Mick the Muscle” consists of a flesh-toned bodysuit with two balloons over her biceps —which burst any time they are touched. Or when she tries to flex. Later, her physique is augmented by having an air blower inflate her torso.
• Max plays a former boxer with a "jaw like a rock", so he gets a comically huge prosthetic chin that doesn't even match his skin tone. When the narration says "his jaw was on the floor!" Max giggles and pulls it off to make it a Literal Metaphor. He also screws with Chris while he's giving a lengthy piece of exposition by waving the jaw in front of his chin until he breaks character and tells him to stop.
• Robert delighting in the "twists" of the play and breaking character to call them out, even if it's something as non-twistlike as Mick being surprised by the warden.
• At one point, Chris has to explain the plot of Star Wars to an unaware Max and Robert after the latter says it's about "a boy who grows up to kill his own father", putting his face in his hands after Robert calls him out for spoilers.
  Max: Then who’s Samuel L. Jackson?
  Sandra: That’s the prequels.
• Jones, the "master escape artist who can get out of anything", can't get out of the fake phone booth. So he has to pick up the prisoners and drive them off inside the phone booth. He drops them off after making a successful getaway, then says he's going to go and find a phone - while he's still stuck in the phone booth.
• The Running Gag of Robert's "Lights Out" line never getting the lights turned out...until he says, "Take one more step and I'll have McKenzie punch your lights out".
• Robert's attempts to make Lucy cry by reminding her of past events backfire on him horribly.
  Robert: Think of the time you soiled yourself at your ballet recital.
  Lucy: That was you!
  Robert: Oh yes. Twist. (beat; starts crying)

The Cornley Drama Festival Parts 1 & 2

• The banner for the event not only misspells "festival" as "festevil", but has two faces of tragedy. Part two at least has them correct the spelling - to "festivile" - while the first face of tragedy has been crudely drawn over to give a smile.
  Chris: Apologies for the sign.
• Max’s Kitchen Sink Drama where everyone is dressed as plates and sponges.
• Vanessa’s attempts to demonstrate improv ends with her engaged to Dennis (to the disbelief of the latter’s mother).
  Dennis: She says you’re a solid eight and I’m a two.
• Chris and Max's alphabet game.
  Chris: Always a pleasure to see you, Gareth. (Ding!)
  Max: Hi!
  Chris: No, it has to start with "B".
  Max: Uh, Bye. (Ding!) (walks away)
  Chris: (grabs Max and pulls him back) Come back, Gareth. I need to talk to you. (Ding!)
  Max: Okay, what about?
  Chris: It has to start with "D" now.
  Max: Does it? (Ding!)
  Chris: Exactly. Now you're getting it. (Ding!)
  Max: Definitely.
  Chris: No, it has to start with "F".
  Max: Finitely. (Ding!)
  Chris: Good. (Ding!)
  Max: Thanks.
  Chris: Say a word beginning with "H"!
  (beat)
  Max: Hull. (Ding!)
  Chris: Jesus. (Ding!)
  Max: No, you missed "I".
  Chris: I'm sorry. (Ding!)
  Max: What about?
  Chris: Kindly understand the game. (Ding!)
  Max: I don't understand the game.
  Chris: SAY A WORD BEGINNING WITH "L"!
  Max: Lusty. (Ding!)
  Chris: Max. (Ding!)
  Max: No need to get upset. (Ding!)
  Chris: Oh, my God. (Ding!)
  Max: Please, Chris. (Ding!)
  Chris: Quiet! (Ding!)
  Max: Right. (Ding!)
  Chris: Stop the dings! (Ding!)
  Max: That's not very nice. (Ding!)
  Chris: Unbelievable! (Ding!)
  Max: Very rude! (Ding!)
  Chris: Will you shut up?! (Ding!)
  Max: Xylophones. (Ding!)
  Robert: (holding an x-ray while wearing a lab coat) Come on, I had that!
  Chris: You're an idiot. (Ding!)
  Max: (booping Chris on the nose) Zoo. (Ding!)
• Robert explaining Chekhov's Gun - as the reason why he always carries a gun with him on stage.
  Robert: I can have a gun and I must have a gun. That's the rule of Chekhov's Gun: have a gun. And now it's been seen, I am going to have to shoot someone, before the end of the play.
  • He follows through on that, complete with an announcement of "Chekhov's Gun."
• Chris, trying to provide some sophistication and culture, presents a ballet, the story of which would already have been pretty daft even without things going wrong. The main standouts are:
  • Trevor getting caught on camera painting Dennis's guides the moment the curtain opens;
  • Chris getting his prop flute stuck to his hand due to a prank by Annie, which messes up his pas de deux with Vanessa;
  • Max and Sandra getting tangled up in each others' ribbons;
  • Dennis following the painted steps meant to guide him through the dance to their inevitable conclusion when Trevor gets paint on the soles of his shoes;
  • Robert doing a ridiculous falsetto as the Sun Beetle;
  • Jonathan knocking himself out on the boom mic right as he's about to start his big solo; and...
  • Chris getting stuck inside the cocoon he's meant to emerge from, ranting and swearing about the zip as the clip he was supposed to be attached to flies up uselessly. When he finally escapes, Robert gets startled and immediately shoots him with the aforementioned Chekhov's Gun, before showing it off to the audience as if he totally meant to do that.
• At the start of part two, Chris says that seven people wrote in to say they enjoyed the show... along with several thousand others writing in.
• Sandra's radio play definitely hasn't been put on as a self-indulgent piece in the wake of her being in the running to be the voice of Marks & Spencer adverts (although she is down to the last 80).
  • Dennis' one line has him spell "incompetent" — as "incommpetententente". A flabbergasted Robert then has to pronounce that in-character and accept it as correct for the play to move on.
  • Trevor illustrates a morning with birdsong being played on whistles, and then yelling "COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!" into the mic so closely that it causes the audio to peak.
  • A door shutting and a knock at the door are both portrayed by Trevor firing a gun, startling the performers.
  • Trevor's sound effect table falls apart, causing him to get subsequent sound effects mixed up.
    Chris: Don't be nervous! Look at the beautiful sunrise and listen to the birds singing!
    (Sandra holds up sound effect cue; Trevor shoots his gun)
• Dennis’s piece, entitled “Toothpaste, £1.69”.
  Chris: I’m sure you’ll all agree, there’s still some cuts to be found in that play.
• Annie's Awful British Sex Comedy involves a lot of deliberately unfunny innuendos punctuated with, "What is she like?"
  • Vanessa constantly screws up the double entendres in her lines, complete with rimshots.
  • Annie announces beforehand that the play has been censored for being too bawdy. This ends up being to the extent where obvious things like slaps on the butt and chest grabs are black-boxed out.
  • Dennis playing "spelling bees". He even spells "incompetent" correctly this time.
  • The soap suds gag is ruined by Trevor hastily tossing a bottle of horse tranquilizers into the scene as an impromptu prop then carelessly shutting the window.
  • The entrance of Norman Nord, the Nudist Lord! He proceeds to run around Carmichael's office in all his censored glory.
  • The Archbishop of Canterbury's heavily-censored tirades and the resulting Orphaned Punchlines.
    Robert: Now Carmichael, I have to tell you about something that happened to me on my way here. I came out me front door, and there were two [CENSORED]-tanding there s-[CENSORED] wi-[CENSORED], then ch-[CENSORED] right up the cloisters!
    Robert: I'm telephoning the Vatican, and when they get hold of you, you'll be sorrier than I was when I saw the Pope [CENSORED], I said [CENSORED] raw buttocks!"
  • Just the fact that even in a play where things are meant to go awry, Cornley still manages to screw it up.
• Finally, with most of the cast either knocked unconscious or tranquilised and Chris and Trevor left to drive them to the hospital, Jonathan presents his circus ensemble musical number by himself - which concludes with the piano he called for earlier in the number dropping on him.

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