Funny / The Cosmonaut Variety Hour

Review Videos

Return of the Jedi: Why it Sucks

• In an appeal to fairness, Marcus says he won't take any of the Special Edition scenes into account on his critique. He specifically makes note of the infamous musical sequence in Jabba's palace.
  Marcus: I'm not–I'm not talkin' about that! No! No, get it out of my face!
• Marcus's explanation for Han Solo's characterization.
  Marcus: I don't know, maybe he's just, like, really tired. I kinda feel tired... (yawns) because this movie's SO BORING.
• Marcus's descent into madness at the end of the review, caused entirely by the Jabba's palace scene... from the Special Edition.
  Marcus: This isn't Star Wars! THIS ISN'T STAR WARS! THIS ISN'T STAR WA–

Sam Raimi's Spider-Man Trilogy – Worse Than You Remember

• Marcus frames Mr. Sullivan's stern whispering as aggressive and threatening. He drives this home by putting scary music whenever he appears.
• His description of Peter getting bitten by the spider that gives him his powers:
  Marcus: So anyway, Peter gets bitten by some brown recluse, and then he dies peacefully in his sleep.
• Marcus criticizing Mary Jane's jealousy in the third movie.
  Marcus: And then she even has the audacity to get mad when he... kisses... a random girl... that he doesn't know. Right in front of her. Peter, why did you do that?
• This edit:
  Peter: You'll get your rent when you fix this (bleep) door!^note The word being censored here is "damn"
• After Marcus wraps up his critique:
  Marcus: ... because even when they're bad, they're not as bad as The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Even though I've never seen it. And I'm never going to see it. You guys are never going to get me to watch that movie. Because it's not gonna happen. In a million years. ... Maybe–Maybe some other time.
• The Stinger:
  Marcus: Hey, look, it's Stan Lee–

The Amazing Spider-Man 1&2 - Worse Than You Can Even Imagine

• The introduction has Marcus reflect on the reaction the first video got, describing it as completely uncontroversial while cutting in angry comments from viewers.
  Marcus: I had lots of reasonable points that everyone unanimously agreed with, as usual.
• The Running Gag of Marcus reacting to Peter and Gwen's flirting with vitriol.
  Marcus: CAN WE FUCKING MOVE ON, PLEASE?!
• Marcus claiming that Andrew Garfield doesn't play a believable Peter Parker because he's too good-looking.
  Marcus: Can we please tone down the sensual male model expressions? My daughter's gonna be home from school; I don't want her seeing this shit!
• Marcus takes the subway fight scene as an opportunity to criticize the movie's editing.
  Marcus: Who the fuck cut that sequence together? That was horrible.
  (A screencap of the film's wikipedia article crediting its three editors is shown onscreen)
  Marcus: Which one of you was it?! Somebody has to explain themselves.
• His reaction to Peter using his superpowers to beat Flash Thompson in a game of basketball.
  Marcus: Basketball scenes in superhero movies are always comedy gold. Like, are you fucking kidding me? (laughs)
• "Easy, Fuckboi"
• Marcus randomly Circle Game-ing the audience by zooming into a frame of Spider-Man doing an "OK" hand gesture, complete with an ironic use of the open-eyed-crying-laughing emoji.
• During a scene from the second movie, Marcus points out one of the extras on the TV happens to look like him.
  Marcus: Also, hey, look. I'm in the movie. (camera zooms in the TV's logo) Brought to you by Sony. (he points out another Sony-branded product in a different scene) Oh, and right after that, "Brought to you by Sony" again. Jesus Christ, at least space them out.
• The reveal of why Marcus has never seen the second movie:
  Marcus: ... And during this montage, we have the song Gone, Gone, Gone by Phillip Phillips, also known as the "For You" song.
  (chorus of Gone, Gone, Gone plays)
  Marcus: AND I FUCKING HATE THIS SONG! This song is on my list of most-hated-songs in the entire world, right under Crocodile Rock and Bad Reputation. (voice drops to a quieter volume) I kinda like Bad Reputation when it's in Freaks and Geeks. Hey, we talked about Freaks and Geeks twice in one video, look at that. Now, my friends know that I hate this song with a burning passion, and when they went to go see this movie without me, I asked them how it was, and they were like, "Don't see it. The fucking 'For You' song is in it." And that is the reason why I have never seen this movie until today. 'Cause I don't like that song.
• The resolution of the Peter Parker's parents sublot:
  Marcus: So the subplot about his dad ends here. He found out that his dad... made the spiders. Which is something that we already. Fucking. KNEW!
• Gwen Stacy's death is edited to include an "OOF!" sound effect and some text saying "That's All Folks!"

Every Star Wars Movie Reviewed – Pt. 1 – The Original Trilogy

• Marcus introducing the series by announcing he just came back from a visit to the near future to attend a showing of the latest Star Wars movie.^note This video came out 20 days before the premiere of The Rise of Skywalker His thoughts?
  Marcus: Now, if you ask me, I thought the movie was pretty (bleep), but despite the graphic male nudity, I still thought it was pretty good.
• Marcus editing a profane voicemail call over R2-D2's dialogue.
  C-3PO: I'm sorry, sir, but he appears to have picked up a slight flutter.
  "R2-D2": I'mma beat that attitude up out you, bitch. You big, fat bitch. Oompa-Loompa-body-ass bitch.
  C-3PO: How dare you call me that?! (smacks him on the head)
• After he addresses the Special Editions:
  Marcus: There's kind of a stigma attached to Star Wars nerds because people think we complain about dumb shit all the time, and...
  (The Last Jedi's audience score on Rotten Tomatoes is shown onscreen, accompanied by Duel of the Fates)
  Marcus: Yeah, that's kinda true...
• His rant about the prequels at the end of the video.
  Marcus: So, did George follow up with a faithful continuation to the franchise? No, he fucking shit all over it! These movies are bad! They're awful, and for some reason, this is now some kind of hot take! I feel like I'm living in an alternate dimension, because people are actually trying to tell me these movies are good now! You have to literally be brainwashed in order to like them! The only people who like them are either children or people who watched them as children, and unfortunately, these children grew up into people with very strong opinions, and they want you to think these movies are secretly art! Well, they aren't! They're bad movies, and I do not to watch them again–(cut to To Be Continued screen)

Every Star Wars Movie Reviewed – Pt. 2 – The Prequels

• Marcus reflecting on the period of time in which Episodes I-III were generally considered bad:
  Marcus: Once my generation got older, and we realized these movies were bad, there was peace on the internet for a brief time. It was widely accepted that the Star Wars prequels were not good movies, and there wasn't anybody alive who unironically liked them. There was no more world hunger, racism was over, and we as a species had finally achieved world peace. And then Disney started making Star Wars movies.
  Sammy Classic Sonic Fan (labelled "Star Wars Fans"): This... is... A NIGHTMARE! (throws chair)
  • Later:
  Marcus: What kills me is when people say (the prequel trilogy) is good, and (the sequel trilogy isn't). "Oh, at least the prequels had some original ideas!" Who the fuck says shit like this?
• Marcus criticizing Obi-Wan for calling Anakin too hotheaded and impulsive when he jumped out the window chasing a robot minutes earlier.
  Obi-Wan: Patience. Use the force. Think.
  (cut to shot of Obi-Wan shattering the window as he leaps through it accompanied by child's scream)
• His summary of how convoluted and ridiculous the plot to assassinate Padme at the beginning of Attack of the Clones is.
  Marcus: So Palpatine needs Padme dead, but he doesn't want to do it himself. So he asks Count Dooku to go kill Padme, but Count Dooku doesn't want to do it himself. So Count Dooku asks Jango Fett to go kill Padme, but Jango Fett doesn't want to do it himself. So he asks his shapeshifter friend to go kill Padme, but the shapeshifter sends a robot to go kill Padme.
  (cut to shot of Charlie knocking on wall covered in unsent mail)
  Marcus: invoked And if you really wanna be an asshole, and get even more granular, the droid says "I'll send these little bugs to go kill Padme!" Palpatine sends a man who sends a man, who sends a shapeshifter, who sends a robot, who sends bugs to go kill Padme. And what's even funnier is that after they chase the robot and the shapeshifter, Jango has a chance to go kill Padme, but instead he goes out of his way to assassinate the person he hired to assassinate Padme.
  (cut to shot of Yoda on Luke's back)
  Yoda!Marcus: Secretly genius, these prequels are! Many original ideas, these movies have!
• Marcus attributes Revenge of the Sith's popularity to the positive memories people have of it due to Memetic Mutation and little else.
  Marcus: Kinda reminds me of another movie I've talked about with a rabid fanbase...
  Lieutenant Dangle: Oh! I'm just goofin'. New boot goofin'.
• The first word of Episode 3's title crawl is just "War!", which prompts Marcus to include a snippet of Edwin Starr's cover of the song War multiple times.
• Marcus's criticism of the trilogy's focus on the world's internal politics gives us this line:
  Marcus: What was it about politics that had George so horny?
• Marcus tries to act like the worst of Star Wars is behind him, only to give a teaser about the controversial sequel trilogy and how he has to react to these movies.
  Marcus: So that was it, the roughest patch in all of Star Wars. The worst of it is over and I decided a long time ago before the new movies came out that we would never see a Star Wars movie as good as A New Hope and similarly we would never have a Star Wars movie as bad as episode 1. And for a while, I thought I was right. I thought if anything these new Disney movies would be safe and inoffensive... and I have never been more wrong in my entire life.
  (Cuts to Podracer crashing into the Rotton Tomatoes score for The Last Jedi followed by an explosion) (cut to To Be Continued screen)''

Every Star Wars Movie Reviewed – Pt. 3 – The Disney Movies

• The cold open recreates Will Smith's infamous YouTube Rewind appearance by having him react to The Rise of Skywalker's Rotten Tomatoes score.
• Marcus re-editing the famous Darth Vader scene from Rogue One into an MLG-style montage, complete with dubstep music, reticles, Halo announcer voice clips, and X-Ray moves.
• Him criticizing some viewers misinterpreting the scene where Kylo Ren says "kill the past" as The Last Jedi's thesis, even though though it's coming from the villain.
  Marcus: They think that this line is just Rian Johnson looking you dead in the eyes and saying "I'm gonna fuck Star Wars right in front of you, and you're gonna like it!"
• Marcus points out that the trilogy gives Finn three love-interests, presumably to Ship-Sink Finn and Poe.
  Marcus: (cut to shot of Zorii Bliss) Poe even gets one, eventually! (shot of Amylin Holdo) Or maybe one-and-a-half. (shot of Leia) Or maybe one-and-two-halves?
  (porno music plays)
  Holdo: I like him.
  Leia: Me too.

Batman v Superman – The Worst Superhero Movie Ever Made?

• Marcus starts the review with a quick summary of his thoughts on the first movie.
  Marcus: So let's start by talking about Man of... Sponsorships. That's right. I tricked you. I'm sorry.
• How he views Zack Snyder.
  Marcus: See, Zack Snyder says he likes comic books, but to me, he's always seemed like the fratbro who reads Watchmen and says, "Bro, you gotta read this. It's not like other comic books. It's got sex in it."
• Because of his attachment to Batman, Marcus lists what he views as aspects of the character which should not be changed, all of which the second movie ignores.
  Marcus: Number one: Batman doesn't use guns. Number two: Batman doesn't kill people. Number three: Batman doesn't use fucking guns to kill people.
  (cut to the movie's dream sequence in which Batman fires a gun at multiple people)
  Marcus: God fucking damn it, Zachary.
• The multiple times that the titular heroes deal lethal damage to somebody spawns a Running Gag, best exemplified by the scene where Batman guns down multiple in the Batmobile.
  Zack Snyder: You know, I tried to do it in that sort of... technical way. I tried to do it, like, by proxy. He shoots the car that they're in; the car blows up...
  Marcus: That counts as killing! That–that is murder!
• His description of the titular fight, delivered with faux-enthusiasm, is definitely worth a few giggles.
  Marcus: Oh, look, now Batman's winning, because he farted on Superman...
  (cut to shot of Superman getting a faceful of green Kryptonite gas)
• Marcus summarizes the scene where Batman realizes Superman's mother has the same first name as his and spares his life by putting a blushing Batman Wojak that says "omg he's literally me" onscreen.

Harry Potter – All Movies Reviewed and Ranked (part 1)

• How Marcus, dressed in whiteface and a Harry Potter costume in front of a green screen, introduces himself:
  Marcus: (British accent) Oh, hello there! It's me! Doctor Who!
• Marcus defending the consumption of the movies despite the original author's transphobia:
  Marcus: Plus, if you don't want to support the movies yourself, you can just watch this video instead! (green screen effect turns off) Oh, wait, no, I was joking! Hold on a sec–
  (YouTube demonetization symbol is plastered onscreen, followed by legal notice that the video is protected under Fair Use)
• During his review of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, he criticizes how gullible and compliant he thinks Harry is.
  Quirrell: Come here, Potter! Now!
  (Beat)
  Harry!Marcus: Okie-dokie!
• Marcus's thoughts on the first movie when introducing the second:
  Marcus: Damn, this movie is good, but it'd be way better with racism in it.
• His bewilderment over the plot of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, namely the notion that Salazar Slytherin "taught (the basilisk) to be racist."
  Marcus: And that sounds like the kind of thing I would make up, but it's actually fucking true.
• His summary of the exchange between Harry and Aragog:
  Marcus: Also, it's kinda dumb how Harry goes to Aragog, the Giant Spider, and he asks him, "Hey, are you an evil monster that's terrorizing the students?" and Aragog's like, "What? No..." and Harry's like "Oh, okay, cool. I was just checking." But then Aragog's like, "Yeah, no problem."
  (Beat)
  Marcus: "Okay, I'm gonna eat you now."
• After he brings up that the introduction of time travel in the third story creates plot holes:
  Marcus: Oh, hey, J. K. Rowling, isn't it kind of dumb that no one ever time-traveled to stop Voldemort?
  Rowling!Marcus: UH, YEAH, well, IT IS DUMB, and that's why in my new book, they go back in time, and everything's bad, and they go back in time to save Cedric, and Voldemort rules the world, and the world is run by Nazis, so, yeah, there you go, HAHA.

Harry Potter – All Movies Reviewed and Ranked (part 2)

• Marcus praising the inclusion of Luna Lovegood is accompanied by a quick reference to LOONA.
• He briefly mentions that Dobby's CGI in the seventh film looks worse than in his first appearance before getting distracted by the fact that he looks like he's wearing Timbs.
• Marcus describing the scene from the beginning of Deathly Hallows where seven of Harry's allies take Polyjuice Potion to become his body doubles as "Daniel Radcliffe becoming a literal short king army."

X-MEN: All Movies Reviewed (Part 1)

• Marcus's fixation on the characters' original costume designs.
  Marcus: Maybe it's my 90s kid millennial consumer brain-rot talking, but something about these designs is just so... URGH! They look delicious. (zoom in on shot of Rogue's behind while Toxic plays) I wanna chew on 'em.
  • Later, when he's criticizing the first movie's tendency to make fun of the source material:
    Logan: You actually go outside in these things?^note Referring to the leather suits they're wearing
    Scott: What would you prefer, yellow spandex?
    Marcus: Yeah, actually, I would prefer that. (shot of Rogue's behind is shown again) I've said that before.
• Him describing Rogue accidentally putting her boyfriend in a coma with her powers as "putting him in the pussy prison," topped off by him playing Boosie Badazz's Pussy Got Me Like as she screams in horror.
• This bit:
  Marcus: Back then, you could just have plotholes because we didn't have YouTubers to overthink everything and convince people that movies with plotholes are bad.
  (cut to shot of Marcus reading X-Men comics before looking up at the camera)
  Marcus: ... What?
• Jean Grey killing Xavier by reducing him to atoms is accompanied by a cartoon-y "pop" and sounds of children cheering.
• Marcus points out that despite X-Men: Apocalypse taking place in 80s, none of the actors look as old as their characters are supposed to be.
  Charles: It's her. She looks amazing. She's barely aged a day.
  Marcus: Huh, yeah, that's convenient. In fact, none of you have!
• Immediately after, he sums up the plot of the movie:
  Marcus: The purpose of this film is to show us how Professor Xavier went bald. I mean, I'm not really wrong about that. I mean, I just assumed that he shaves his head, but this film establishes that he goes bald because he absorbs too much power. I've tried to deliver that line without laughing multiple times, and that's the closest that I got.
• After praising Jennifer Lawrence's performance in the previous movies, Marcus says he thinks her performance in Dark Phoenix is much less enthusiastic.
  Marcus: Can we just let Mystique leave? She's been here long enough.
  (cut to Jean Grey violently killing Mystique)
  Marcus: Oh. Uh... That's one way to do it.
• Marcus's bewilderment at the movies' attempt to explain the Phoenix Force.
  Marcus: But no, we need to reintroduce the Phoenix Force in this one, because this movie has to also establish... (dancing and twerking alien GIFs are plastered onscreen) ALIENS. Yeah. Aliens. This is basically the craziest thing that this movie can choose to do at this point.

X-MEN: All Movies Reviewed (Part 2)

• During the review of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Marcus points out the discrepancy between the serious war-is-hell tone of the opening credits and the inclusion of will.i.am by playing a clip from Scream & Shout when his stage name comes up.
• Marcus playing a bunch of clips of characters saying extremely cliche lines to demonstrate how predictable the dialogue is, leading him to try and find out who wrote the script. The ensuing war flashback he has upon remembering what he was responsible for is capped off by clips of his previous Game of Thrones review and Frank Castle panicking.
• His reaction to Xavier's appearance at the end of the movie, and all the questions it raises.
  Marcus: WHAT?! You can WALK?! But–But in the–in the next movie... you... Geh... Urgh! WHY DID THEY DO THAT TO YOUR FACE AGAIN?
• When he introduces The Wolverine immediately after the infamous Origins.
  Marcus: THIS MOVIE IS... FUCKIN'... pretty good. Yeah. I actually kinda like this movie.
• His immediate reaction of anger to Jean Grey reappearing.
  Marcus: So, yeah, this movie's set after X-Men 3, so Logan has PTSD nightmares about Jean Grey. I mean, I kinda do, too, after watching that shit.
• The Logan segment starting with a glowing one-sentence review followed by Marcus pretending to move onto the next movie.
• The one criticism he does have of Logan is its use of Obligatory Swearing, which prompts him to mention the F-bombs in the other movies. He finds the one from Dark Phoenix particularly notable.
  Scott: If you touch her, I will fucking kill you.
  (zooms in on Scott's face while Marcus laughs)
  Scott!Marcus: I will fucking kill you, bro!
• After he wraps up his review of the Deadpool movies, he gets ready to start ranking them as usual, only for The New Mutants to slide onscreen.
  Marcus: What the fuck is that?

The Blade Trilogy – The Worst Superhero Movies Ever Made

• Marcus discussing Blade's place in the original Marvel Universe as a small-time player in a bigger story.
  Marcus: And sometimes, when he shows up in something, he's not even the same character.
  (shot of Blade's appearance in Spider-Man: The Animated Series)
  Scott The Woz: OH SH*T, IT'S A WHITE GUY!
• His summary of Blade's character.
  Marcus: Here is his full list of likes and dislikes. Blade dislikes: vampires. Blade likes: killing vampires. That's it. That's the whole list.
• At one point, Blade neglects to deal a finishing blow to a vampire he apparently has history with, which results in his presumed-dead body being taken to a hospital, where he goes on to kill innocent people before Blade comes back to finish the job. Marcus begins criticizing this, until a scene where Blade scares off some police offers by shrugging off their bullets and yelling at them plays.
  Blade: Motherfucker, are you out of your damn mind?!
  Marcus: Nevermind, I take it back. This movie is so good.
• Marcus notices Blade II's cast includes Donnie Yen, and starts getting excited for the potential he could bring to the action scenes. He immediately cuts to his character getting killed off.
  Marcus: Oh. Nevermind.
• At the end of his review of the second movie, which he generally considered mediocre.
  Marcus: I don't know who directed this, but he's got a lot to answer for–
  (Cut to the credits revealing the movie was directed by Guillermo del Toro)
  Marcus: Wha... What the fuck?
• His review of the third movie has him repeatedly voice his disdain for Ryan Reynolds.
  Marcus: Oh, and by the way, I guess Dracula decided not to kill Ryan Reynolds when he was raiding their base, because I can't have anything in this movie.
• A scene where a host interviews the police on TV is reedited to only play every instance of them saying the word vampire and a random instance of one of them saying the word "sexual," followed by a shot of awkward laughter.
• Marcus describing roles being played by wrestlers and Ryan Reynolds no longer being synonymous with bad movies as crushing blows to the "bad movie fandom."
• Hannibal King revealing the name of the movie's antagonist to be Drake is accompanied by a picture of a Super-Deformed version of the singer with the same name.
• At the end of the third movie:
  Marcus: Man, I wish I was watching Catwoman right now.

Lord of the Rings - All Movies Reviewed

• Marcus introducing himself in full wizard costume as "Contrarius the Grey," living up to the name by revealing he thinks The Lord of the Rings is overrated... the 1978 animated version, that is.
  • He specifically criticizes some of the animation and it's over-reliance on rotoscoping, leading to characters being in a constant state of awkward motion. To bring the point home, he makes visual comparisons to a video of himself and Necro's idle animation.
    Marcus: Look at how much (Gollum) is moving! (laughs) He's like a fighting game character!
• His praise of the movie's score is demonstrated by a fictional anecdote about Shadowfax's theme.
  Marcus: One day, they went up to Howard Shore, and they told him, "Hey man. We really need a theme song... for Gandalf's horse." And he said, "Sorry, let me just pop the fuck off for no reason."
  (Orchestratic music plays while editor zooms in on static image of a white horse)
• His disclaimer before he starts reviewing the movies proper:
  Marcus: Oh, and one thing I should mention is that I have not read the books. I'm not an expert here. I watch movies. I don't–I don't read that nerd shit. Go to audible.com/cosmonaut to receive--
• Marcus wondering when Citizen Kane came out leads to a Google search revealing its release date as the 4th Century BC.
• The reveal that, because of the opening scene of The Two Towers, Marcus is so obsessed with wizards that he already owned the costume he used to film the video. He then goes onto mock fans who want to be Hobbits.
  Marcus: And a lot of people say, "Oh, if I was in Middle-Earth, I'd wanna be a Hobbit and eat all day and live in a hole!" Yeah, I think you're fucking crazy if you think that way. You're a fucking lunatic. You wanna be a dirty-footed cracker with an eating disorder? Cool, alright, that's fine, good for you, but you know what? You can do that in real life. You can just go be a farmer and live on the countryside if you want to! You're allowed to do that. Where the fuck is the escapism in being a Hobbit? You're just a regular guy! That's not even the coolest race in the series–(music stops) It's goblins. You should be a goblin. Goblins are better. (music resumes) If it was up to me, I'd be a fucking wizard. Smoking that zaza, hanging out with the king of horses, casting spells, doing whatever the fuck I want.
• The Sequel Hook, beginning with Marcus praising the trilogy's storytelling, only made possible by their extensive preproduction, then transitioning into behind-the-scenes interviews for the Hobbit trilogy, explaining its numerous development troubles, including its total lack of preparation. Marcus further adds to the foreboding tone by intercutting clips of Lois Griffin screaming and Benedict Cumberbatch's mocap.

The Hobbit Trilogy – Why It Sucks

• During Marcus's review of the first movie, he mentions that a lot of the dwarves that accompany Bilbo are very undeveloped.
  Marcus: And in the original book, knowing that there's thirteen dwarves doesn't really distract you because you can't see them onscreen. In a movie, it's way more distracting when every scene has me thinking... "Who the fuck is that guy?" Like, honestly, (shows a picture of a dwarf onscreen) tell me what this dwarf's name is. I'll give you five seconds.
  (Beat)
  Marcus: His name is Bofur. ... BOFUR DEEZ NU--
• His comments on the music, ranging from genuine praise of its original tracks (accompanied by a meme of a white guy dancing to the Dwarf theme), to criticisms of its inappropriate reuse of songs from the original trilogy.
  Marcus: "Thorin is about to make an epic last stand? Well, let's just throw in the Ringwraith song. The song about evil ghosts." You know, this song has lyrics, right? And the lyrics don't match.

  We refused our creator

  Gotta be ease, I can't love on a bitch

  I got certain reasons I don't trust me a bitch
• Marcus describing the behind-the-scenes footage of Benedict Cumberbatch's mocap as him "grinding his coochie on the floor."
• When Legolas is reintroduced in the second movie, Marcus reveals he doesn't really like him so much.
  Marcus: And I've heard he's better in the books, and that's cool. It's fine, but I don't read books for nerds. I read books for grownups.
• His reaction to Bilbo barely appearing in the final movie.
  Marcus: There's a certain point in this movie where I forgot Bilbo was in it. I just want to remind you real quick, in case you don't know, that this movie is called The Hobbit.
• Him giving each movie an Okay/10, Bad/10, and Dumb/10, respectively.

Cosmonaut Quickie

Why You Should Watch Castlevania (Netflix)

• The introduction of the show's first logo, which has Marcus yell the title in falsetto over footage of The Skeleton Dance, preceded by a sharp intake.
• Marcus's biggest complaint is the lack of any of the original games' iconic music in the first four episodes. He assumes this might be because it wouldn't fit the tone, and demonstrates it by playing Wandering Ghosts over the show's R-Rated Opening, with accompanying Skull Trumpets.
  Marcus: I don't know, I could get behind this.

Aquaman

• In response to fan demand, Marcus decides to finally do a video on the then-recent Aquaman movie... and reviews a novelty Batman coffee mug instead.
  Marcus: ... I've always said I prefer when (Batman) has shorter ears. Not only because they look cooler, but because they lend for more acceptable coffee mug designs.
• The review ends with him switching back to talking about the movie and giving it a 4/10.

Dune

• The Dune Agenda.

She Hulk is Fine - You Guys Are Just Being Dumb

• His response to the backlash from a Vocal Minority:
  Marcus: Some of the people who hate this show just hate it because... the character of She Hulk occasionally says that dudes don't rock sometimes. And I know that's very difficult to hear. It might make you cry to hear me say that out loud. I should have probably censored it, to be honest.

Cosmonaut Picture Show

Good Burger

• The Running Gag of Kel Mitchell's character Ed secretly being an elder god living in a constructed world.
  Marcus: I think he is a primordial being. I don't think he's of this earth.
• Whenever Sinbad's character appears, his guest appearance on Always Sunny is referenced.
  Shot of Mr. Wheat bending Dexter over a car is shown onscreen
  Marcus: Oh, God, he's gonna fuck him on the car.
  Sinbad: And you my BITCH!
• The Cosmonauts' reaction to the patty slipping out of Dexter's hands during his brief stint working at Mondo Burger.
  Andre: Was that on a string?
  Marcus: (laughing) Someone yanked it out of his hands!
  Andre: So surreal.
  Dan: I think the background for this is he thought he was doing a serious role, but then the director kept putting things on strings (Marcus laughs) and he's just doing the best he can.
• Their explanation for why Ed and Monique look similar.
  Marcus: That's one of Kel's demon powers.
  Andre: (laughing) He's projecting a female doppelganger!
  Dan: She was a marionette. He projected his image onto her.
  Andre: That's where all the strings are from!
  Marcus: Yep. (laughs) This is Kel's puppet world!
• When Dexter realizes Ed was the reason he got into a car accident with Mr. Wheat.
  Dexter: Now I know where I saw you before!
  Dan: I saw you in the old testaments!
  Marcus: The old scriptures.
  Andre: The original traitor. The fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse!
  Marcus: Ed!
• When ska music starts playing during a montage.
  Dan: Hey, Marcus, is this movie timeless?
  Marcus: This movie is timeless, yes, because it is not set in time.
  Andre: It's in a Pocket Dimension!
  Dan: Plucked from the tales of... some D&D book we've never read.
  Marcus: The last shot is—It just zooms out of a turtle's eye, and the turtle's in space.
• Shaq's cameo appearance prompts the crew to immediately make him the "Elderest God" who exiled Ed because they "don't like the idea of Shaq being underneath Ed."
  Marcus: Every 1000 years, he comes back with a Good Burger. When he perfects it, he may escape.
  Dan: He has set a rule: "Ed, you will recognize my fame, but not who I am. You will never remember who I truly was."
  Shaq!Marcus: This is the form that I choose to take amongst mortals... Gold Bond Foot Cream.
  • After Shaq tries out the Good Burger.
    Shaq: (with his mouth full) Tastes good. Tastes good!
    Shaq!Marcus: ... but not good enough to bring you back home, son.
    Shaq!Dan: 100 more years!
• When Ed throws Roxanne onto the ground, leaving her motionless.
  Marcus: They battle now.
  Dan: ... She's dead.
  Marcus: He straight up fucking killed her. HE'S KILLED HER!
• During the movie's falling action, when Dexter reveals the Mondo Burger staff's plot directly to the police, Dan preemptively says "Is this true?" only for him to accidentally say it in unison with the cop holding Kurt.
  Andre: Check that off bingo.

Dragonball Evolution

• The cosmonauts repeated bewilderment at Goku's casting.
  Dan: Andrew Garfield is...
  Marcus: Goku!
  • Later:
    Marcus: Every time he calls this white boy Goku, I can't handle it.
• When Goku's high school bully Fuller appears, onscreen text refers to him as "Fuller (base form)".
  Marcus: Goku's main arch-nemesis, Frieza, Vegeta, and Fuller.
• Grandpa Gohan's death inspires multiple comparisons to other media.
  Gohan!Marcus: "I don't feel so good, Goku..."
  Gohan!Dan: "Let me know if you see a RadioShack."
  Gohan!Marcus: "With great power comes great Kamehameha..."
• Their reaction to Goku's famous gi being preserved in a briefcase like an important artifact.
  Marcus: Oh my god!
  Dan: Pulp Fiction!
  (shots of Vincent Vega looking inside the case inter-spliced with shots of the gi are shown onscreen)
  Dan: That's what was in their briefcase! Tarantino, you genius!
  Marcus: Goku's gi!
• This exchange:
  Bulma: My father found that Prometheum Orb twenty years ago...
  Andre and Marcus: Prometheum Orb?
  Goku: I don't know what you're talking about. This is a Dragon Ball.
  (everyone starts giggling and laughing)
  Marcus: Stick with Prometheum Orb, please!
• Roshi explaining how to master the three elements prompts them to start making up increasingly stupider elements.
  Dan: What about poison? How come they never involve poison? That's an element. Elemental damage...
  Marcus: Slime. Candy.
  Dan: Holy. Dark.
  Andre: (in reference to Bulma's apparel) Leather. (Andre and Marcus laugh) That's the best.
• Marcus comparing Yamcha's weird drill machine to a sex toy.
  Marcus: I think I saw that in uhh... a um... a Sasha Grey video.
  (Shot of Sasha Grey moaning accompanied by stock cheering children sound effects)
• Like Fuller before him, the Cosmonauts are equally confused at Sifu Norris's inclusion.
  Marcus: They could've made him anyone else.
  Dan: He could have been Krillin! I mean, whatever.
  Marcus: I would have bought it! {laughing) But this guy who's not even real...!
• Chi-Chi helps Goku learn ki control by flirting with him. It works.
  Marcus: He can just do it now?! 'Cause he wanted to get pussy?
  Andre: That's how it works, Marcus.
  Marcus: I can't just shoot fire out of my hands because I want to get laid!
  Andre: Have you tried it? (laughs)
  Dan: You gotta want sex to light fire.
  Marcus: You can shoot fire out of your hands when you're a horny boy.
  Andre: Can you imagine how powerful porn stars must be?
  (shot of Sasha Grey going Super Saiyan)
• After the main characters use the Dragon Balls to revive Roshi.
  Marcus: What about your fuckin' grandpa, dude?
  ...
  Roshi!Marcus: Guys, I wasn't dead!
  Andre: He was actually playing dead (just to see) if they would actually revive him.
  Roshi!Marcus: You guys really do like me!
  Roshi!Andre: You could've had your grandfather back. Nope! Revive me instead!
  (A tribute to the deceased Grandpa Gohan is shown, alongside text saying "RIP in Peace" and "Gone and completely Forgotten")

The Super Mario Brothers Movie

• The cosmonauts' frequent comments on the attractiveness of the actors.
  Meghan: Look at John Leguizamo's fucking juicy ass.
• The numerous points at which they burst into laughter because a scene from the movie coincidentally resembles a Marvel movie.
  • After the two dimensions are merged, Mario and King Koopa start dematerializing into particles.
    Marcus: I don't feel so good, Luigi!
    Dan: It was the only way, Luigi.
• Throughout the video, the Hammer Bros. are repeatedly compared to either Johnny Depp, Wario and Waluigi, or Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
  Meghan: We're just gonna call that guy Johnny Depp for the rest of the movie, right? Like, that's what we're doing? 'Cause that really does look like Johnny Depp.
  Marcus: It doesn't look anything like Johnny Depp.
  Dan: I kinda like the Waluigi take a little bit.
  Meghan: No, I hate it.
  Marcus: That's Wario and Waluigi.
  Meghan: Waluigi's way sexier than that.
  (Beat)
  Marcus: What?
  (everyone laughs)
• A random shot of a black cop, inexplicably, prompts them to reference Al Powell from Die Hard.
  Marcus: "I'm a cop. Goodbye—"
  Meghan: "I shot a kid."
  Marcus: "I shot a kid."
  Dan: "I shot a kid!"
• Dan, as the designated movie expert of the day, reveals that Bob Hoskins and Leguizamo frequently got drunk on set to cope with the film's infamously bad working conditions. Marcus does not miss the opportunity to bring this up again whenever something stupid happens onscreen.
  Marcus: You know, (clicks tongue) I'd get drunk too if I was in this movie.
• When Toad is de-evolved into a Goomba.
  Marcus: This is what happens to Toad in the Mario movie.
  Meghan: This is actually what they teach in Christian schools during the science unit.
  Marcus: Where dinosaurs turn into people--(Goomba!Toad is shown onscreen) Oh! Oh my god!
  Dan: There he is! It's Toad!
  Meghan: Oh... Oh, I hate it.
• After King Koopa unfurls his tongue at Daisy.
  Marcus & Meghan: Ooooooooh!
  Meghan: What that mouth do?!
• Marcus's reaction to Toad getting set on fire.
  Marcus: NO! TOAD! WHAT THE FUCK?! THEY KILLED HIM! (laughing) I HATE THIS MOVIE!
  Meghan: Why do they have fire extinguishers in this universe, but not brakes?
• Lena's death, in which she is blown against a wall and reduced to a skeleton.
  Luigi: Man, she sure makes an impression.
  (Marcus bursts into laughter and applauds)
  Meghan: This woman is dead, Luigi!
• The World Trade Center getting destroyed causes everyone to wince for 5 seconds straight.
• "Love those plumbers."
  Dan: That's what I say. Everyday I get up in the morning, I grab my Switch, and I sit on the toilet for 35 minutes; I say "Love those plumbers."

Shrektober – The Shrekening

• The Cosmonauts' introductions.
  Marcus: I'm joined here with Meghan–Cosmonaut Meghan...
  Dan: Hi, it's me, Meghan.
  Marcus: No, that's not it. (laughs) Say hi, Meghan.
  Meghan: Hi, it's me, Dan.
  Marcus: Goddamn it.
• The movie's well aged visuals incite comparisons to Toy Story.
  Marcus: The scariest thing in Toy Story is Sid. Like, he looks like a fucking monster.
  Dan: He's the only person who you actually see his face. It's really odd.
  Marcus: A fucking ghoul.
  Dan: Uncle Andross.
  (a comparison of Sid and the final boss of Star Fox 64 is shown)
  Marcus: (laughing) He does look like Andross!
• At one point, Shrek's character design is discussed.
  Dan: What's the little vest do?
  (Marcus laughs)
  Meghan: It covers his nipples, Dan, don't be mean!
  Marcus: It gets cold; they need to have nipple flaps.
  Meghan: When ogres reach a certain age, they can't stop lactating, so they all wear...
  Marcus: (laughing) STOP THIS BIT, PLE-E-EASE!
  Dan: "Anybody care for a pint?"
• When Donkey and the Dragon meet:
  Marcus: ... How's Donkey fuck the Dragon? Donkey don't even got a dick!
  Meghan: Donkey has, just, like a really big weiner! That he can tuck into his body!
  • Later, during a scene where it looks like the Dragon is performing a "service" on Donkey.
    Marcus: Oh, God, she's sucking his DICK!
    Meghan: See? I told y'all! Donkey has a tail and a personal tail.
    Marcus: I can't believe this movie has an onscreen blowjob.
    (the dragon leans into Donkey for a kiss and accidentally kisses Shrek's butt instead)
    Dan: And that.
    Marcus: And ASS EATING!
• Marcus's reaction to Fiona pulling the bark off a tree.
  Marcus: Wait, so she has the strength of an ogre, and the body of a mortal?
  Meghan: Where are you drawing the line here? When I explained to you the Donkey dick physics, you were totally cool with that, but ''now'' you're not okay...?
  Marcus: I wasn't–I wasn't okay with that. (laughs)
  Dan: We just moved past it.
  Marcus: Yeah, I didn't want to think about it anymore.
• During the Plot-Mandated Friendship Failure, after Shrek overhears Fiona calling her ogre-form ugly late at night and assumes she was talking about him, he's noticably grumpy in the morning.
  Marcus: What was he doing all night? ... Masturb–
  Meghan: Angrily jerking off.
  Dan: He made a new swamp.
  (everyone groans and retches)
  Dan: "What are you guys doing in my swamp?" And you think he's being territorial, but he's like, "You know what that is?!"
• Dan calls Lord Farquaad "Lord Fortnite," causing everyone in the room to erupt into laughter.
  Dan: After this airs, I want to see... Twitter usernames... "Lord Fortnite" all over Twitter.
• After Fiona's dramatic Transformation Sequence, Dan suddenly proposes a theory:
  Dan: What if, like, becoming your true self and glowing with orange light... made you poop yourself?
  Marcus: (wheezing laughter) Wha-a-a-at?

The Most Awkward Dating Show Ever^note Dating Around, a Netflix Original reality dating show

• The running gag of Marcus and/or Meghan firing an imaginary shotgun at the camera whenever someone on the show is rejected.
• Marcus and Meghan's fixation on Victoria up to calling her "best girl." It doesn't prevent them from making fun of her, though.
  Victoria: This is a very strange conversation! (laughs) This is par for the course with me, by the way. You should be really happy that we haven't gotten into weirder territory.
  Meghan: "Haha, I'm fucking crazy, and you're about to find out just how fucking crazy I am!" She just takes a big bite out of his dick.
  Marcus: "Mmmmm! Tastes like DOG!"
• Marcus and Meghan giving Luke (who they call multiple different names) a Fratbro personality.
  Luke!Marcus: I can't believe this girl just said "ball." That's really gross.
  Luke!Meghan: Yeah, "freeball?" Who is she? Is she a fuckin' man?
  Luke!Marcus: I don't get it. What, are you a fuckin' dude? Why don't you pull your dick out and fuck me? Fuckin' weirdo.
  • Later, when Luke invites one of the girls to his home.
  Luke!Marcus: I'm just tired. We could take a nap. Do you mind if I just go to sleep, babe? This is like the eighth date I've been on; the producers won't let me leave.
  Luke!Meghan: I've eaten nothing but pad thai and tequila shots. (Marcus laughs)
  Luke!Marcus: I've had so much fuckin' pad thai, and I didn't tell anybody I was allergic to peanuts, so I think I'm probably gonna die soon.
• During the "Gurki" episode.
  Meghan: I don't like that everyone in this show is hot. Gimme some ugly bitches.
• When Jay starts talking about his Lady Liberty tattoo, he says the statue's five points represent the five boroughs of New York City. Meghan looks it up to fact-check him.
  Meghan: No, he's dumb as fuck. It has seven points, and they represent the seven seas and seven continents of the world. This asshole!
  Marcus: "I didn't know that!" "Yeah, 'cause it's not true, baby. I made it up."
  Meghan: "You're dumb as fuck, I can't believe you fell for that. Stupid ass bitch."
• Their reaction to the fight between Gurki and Salim, as well as their summation of Salim's argument:
  Salim!Meghan: NO ONE IS EVER GONNA TRUST YOU! HOW COULD YOU EVER FUCKING LIVE WITH YOURSELF, BECAUSE YOU'RE DIVORCED!
  Salim!Marcus: YOU'RE DIVORCED! YOU SLUT!
  Meghan: I need therapy now from that! I need therapy!
• Their immediate reaction of disgust to Jonathan's handlebar mustache.
  Jonathan: I just always like to change my look up.
  Marcus: Yeah, maybe you gotta do that again, I think.
  (both laugh)
  Marcus: You know, statistically, there's a lot of people on this show. I think one of them... one of them will see this.
  Meghan: I don't wanna make fun of that one guy too hard, then. What if he's the guy that watches this video?
  Marcus: He's like, "I love the Cosmonaut... (starts sobbing unintelligibly) make fun of my mustache?"
• The amount of times they poke fun at Lex's forwardness.
  Marcus: This dude loves talking about dick-suckin'!
  Meghan: He just is really getting to the heart of it.
  Marcus: He wants to get his balls licked! He came to this show for a reason; he has a goal in mind, and he's gonna make it happen! That's why he's talking to Soft Lips over here! (laughs)
• Marcus repeatedly exaggerating Leonard's age every time he mentions it. When he rejects one of his dates, for example:
  Leonard: It's got everything to do with me and not you.
  Meghan: Ohhhhhhhh my God, "It's not you, it's me"?!
  Marcus: Leonard, you learned long ago–decades–centuries ago that's not what you're supposed to say!
• The testimonials during Sarah's introduction describe her as being very talkative and a handful to live with.
  Marcus: Her friends are talking mad shit about her.
  Meghan: (whispering) "Sarah fucking sucks, honestly. We just want to get her some dick so she'll shut the fuck up. Oh my God."
  Marcus: "We fucking hate Sarah. We need someone else to distract her for us."
  • Later, Marcus makes this comment, presumably in response to a pun she made.
    Marcus: (voice lowered) I can kinda see what they were talking about. She talks a lot, I guess.
• After a date tells Sarah to relax, a Scare Chord plays.
  Sarah: I'm gonna give you a little piece of advice, and that is... (voice distorts, suddenly becomes surrounded by flames) don't ever tell a woman to relax.
  Meghan: Bye! (leaves her seat before sitting back down)
  Marcus: Sarah!
  Meghan: Sarah, fucking rel–Wait, I can't say relax! Oh, she's fucking scary!
  Marcus: Sarah went from, like, Manic Pixie Dream Girl to...
  Meghan: Hardcore Psycho... Nightmare Mommy!
• The ending, right after Sarah gets rejected:
  Sarah: Oh my god, I'm gonna go home and masturbate.
  (Marcus and Meghan silently leave the room, followed by cut to black)

The Street Fighter Movie is Actually GOOD?

• Marcus introducing the four-eyed Venus on his shirt as his "girlfriend" before anyone even talks about the movie.
• The Cosmonauts frequently point out Jean-Claude Van Damme's noticeable accent, despite playing the American Guile.
  Marcus: I want to point out that he is American in this movie.
  Andre: Then what's the accent?!
  Marcus: It's American.
• Their reaction to Chun-li being given the last name of "Zang."
  Marcus: I don't know if that's really her last name. I thought her last name was "Li!"
  Dan: I thought it was "Street Fighter."
  (everyone laughs)
• Marcus expositing that this was Raúl Juliá's last performance.
  Marcus: He did this movie 'cause his kid wanted him to. Or his grandkid. And then he died. So, that's great.
  Andre and Dan: His grandkid died?
  Marcus: (laughs) Oh no, no!
• Andre commenting on Balrog's exaggerated Widow's Peak multiple times before anyone else responds.
  Andre: Okay, why is no one else acknowledging the man's M-shaped hairline?!
  Dan: I've acknowledged it and accepted it and favored it, even.
  Marcus: Yeah, I would do that to my head.
• Their initial interpretation of E. Honda not reacting to getting whipped.
  Andre: Oh, he's into it.
  Marcus: He's like, "Shove it up my ass, next."
  Balrog: God, how do you keep from crying out?
  Honda!Marcus: I like it.
• After the Cosmonauts watch the famous "But for Me, It Was Tuesday" scene, they make comparisons between M. Bison and Chun-Li's relationship and Jabba the Hutt and Leia's.
  Marcus: I wanna imagine, like, this is what happened in Jabba's Palace between Leia and Jabba, like, after hours? She's just shit-talking him, and he's hanging out.
  Leia!Dan: I'm gonna murder you. Probably with a chain around your neck.
  Jabba!Marcus: (makes Jabba noises while on-screen subtitles say "lol ok whatever lady")
  (Dan and Marcus laugh)
  Jabba!Marcus: ... Tuesday.
  (everyone laughs)
• Blanka's reveal prompts hysterical laughter from the Cosmonauts.
  Marcus: HE LOOKS LIKE–HE LOOKS LIKE CHEESE!
  • Later, when Dhalsim tries to reverse Blanka's cerebral programming by showing him footage of happy things, including a Martin Luther King speech.
    MLK!Marcus: I had a dream... that green jungle children... (laughs)
• When Bison starts floating.
  Marcus: Yeahhhhh boyyy. His last role before he died!
• Marcus's reaction to Guile's final move against Bison, depicted by a Repeat Cut.
  Marcus: That's how you know it's the kill shot. If it's three kicks, he's dead.

Tall Girl is a BAD PERSON

• Marcus and Dan repeatedly calling Jodi "Tall Girl".
  Stig: I was just having a little impromptu concert here with, um...
  Jodi: "Jodi."
  Stig!Marcus: I don't like that name. You are now "Tall Girl" to me.
  • On that note, Stig's accent is exaggerated to the point they start sounding like Tommy Wiseau.
    Dan: If you're mad at us for making fun of Swedish people, just imagine what it would be like to make fun of tall people.
• Them repeatedly exaggerating the benefits of being tall in response to Jodi's infamous Height Angst:
  Dan: Here, I see a woman who is clearly genetically superior to most people.
  Marcus: Yeah. Stronger. Vast more energy, probably. Higher up to the atmosphere, so her lungs probably receive less air.
  • Later, in response to Jodi being jealous of Harper's unpaid internship:
    Dan: You're gonna be an Olympian, and you're making fun of her because she has to work for her living!
    Marcus: Yeah, seriously! You could be a model. There's so many things you could do with being tall. You could fight crime. When you're short, I can't do any of that!
    Dan: Yeah, you could fight a lot of crime. You could fight, like, space crime.
    Marcus: (laughs) Just reach up!
• After Stig proves to be instantly popular:
  Dunkleman: Jeez, it's one week, and everyone knows your name?
  Stig!Dan: I have to tell you. It's bad news. I'm Witness Protection. If too many people know me... Save me, Dunkle! I need to be as unpopular as you are! (Marcus doubles over with laughter) You have to teach me your ways!
• Their reaction to an exchange between Jodi and Fareeda.
  Fareeda: She prank-called you, Jodi! So what?
  Jodi: Easy for you to say! Okay–Nothing rattles you!
  Fareeda!Marcus: I'm fucking black!
  Fareeda!Dan: Jodi, it's a fucking prank call! I got called the N-word on the bus the other day!
• Marcus's reaction to the woman from the tall club.
  Crystal: Your parents were so kind to open up their home for us for our weekly...
  Marcus: She's gorgeous. I like her.
  Jodi: Chapter meeting for what?
  Crystal: For our tall club!
  (editor's note says *too horny to think*)
  Marcus: Topless? What? What'd she say?
• Marcus looking at the camera and awkwardly looking away when Jodi threatens to take her "size 13 Nikes" and kick an apparent prank-caller in his "tiny little nards."
• At one point, Dan starts repeatedly making height puns.
  Jodi: (to Dunkleman) Am I not cool enough for you to sit and have lunch with anymore?
  Marcus: Tall girl...
  Dan: That's a low blow for such a tall girl!
  Marcus: Not only are you a bad friend...
  Dan: Morally, you're coming up short!
  Marcus: Yeah, Tall Girl is a bad person! You're trying to break up a relationship that just started with a girl who's very obviously insecure and dealing with some shit–
  (Jodi starts running towards Dunkleman as he bikes away)
  Dan: Oh, my god, she's so fast!
  Marcus: She's gonna just fuckin', like, one arm, grab him and throw him!
• Marcus getting distracted by Nicky biting him in a random bout of cat rage. This is topped off by him happily licking Dan immediately after.
• During the third act:
  Jodi!Marcus: (dramatic voice) Is this all I am? A tall girl?
  Jodi!Dan: Because I feel very small now.
  (Marcus cackles)
  Jodi!Marcus: You know what? He has earned my love now.
  Jodi!Dan: I'm going to grace him with my...
  Jodi!Marcus: My big huge feet on his nards.
• Dan's final thoughts:
  Dan: I'll say something: that was the height of stupid.
  (camera zooms in on Marcus's face as he cringes and laughs)
  Dan: The movie really came up sho–I already made a "came up short" joke...
  Marcus: (laughs) I don't have anything to say about that.
  Dan: You're just trying to make sure you don't compromise your stature... as a movie reviewer.

Shrektober 2 – Revengeance

• The others frequently comparing Marcus to Pinnocchio, much to his annoyance. At one point, he relunctantly agrees and shows a video of himself shoving his butt in Meghan's face as proof.
• Dan pointing out that the inciting incident of Scared Shrekless's first story, that putting too much sugar in a gingebread cookie recipe would spawn something cursed, would actually just prevent the cookie from getting baked entirely.
  Meghan: So, wait, are you saying you can't put sugar in a cookie?
  Dan: I'm saying, okay–Gingy, what he was doing was he tipped over the whole sugar jar into...
  (camera dramatically zooms into Meghan's face)
  Meghan: But what about sugar cookies?
  Dan: Yeah, but you don't need a whole jar of sugar!
  Marcus: (laughs) It's just more–It's just, the flavor is sugar instead of being chonklate. Or coconut.
• The discussion raised by the frog visible in Pinocchio's dollar.
  Dan: Is that a... dollar with a frog on it?
  Marcus: Yeah, 'cause the king's a frog.
  Meghan: Oh, I love that little worldbuilding.
  Dan: Well, that's a spoiler for...
  Meghan: Yeah, fuck. You gotta cut that out.
  Marcus: (laughing) I have to cut the spoiler for Shrek 2?!
• Marcus instantly remembering the name of the cat from Pinocchio, but not one of its most famous characters.
  Marcus: I don't know how I fucking remembered that.
  Meghan: Yeah, that was like the darkest–You said it so fast! You were like, "Figaro!"
  Marcus: It was like–It wasn't even a doubt in my mind. I don't even know what the fuckin'–What's the fuckin'... the little, the... the bug.
  Meghan: Jiminy Cricket?! "The bug". Are you fucking kidding me?!
• Marcus silently putting on a second pair of glasses over his own pair while the other two talk.
• The cosmonauts simulating the missing effects of the 2D version of Shrek 4D by spitting at each other, shaking Dan and Marcus by the shoulders, and pretending to throw molten rock at each other.
• Their reaction to Farquaad's gravestone feauturing a statue of the dragon that killed him.
  Dan: Wait, you can't just put somebody else's statue in the grave.
  Meghan: Yeah! Abraham Lincoln's (all laugh) tombstone has him and John Wilkes Booth!?
  Marcus: No no, but it's like–it's way cooler, it's like Abraham Lincoln with another gun, like...
  (visual of Lincoln and Booth pointing guns at eachother is shown onscreen)
• Their commentary over the "Far Far Away Idol" DVD short, consisting entirely of awkward silence as Simon Cowell sings.

The Last Airbender is the Worst Thing We've Seen So Far

• This video subjects Dan and Marcus to the movie's infamous performances, editing, and composition, and they take every opportunity to make fun of it.
  Dan: The energy is "a Thursday night showing of Airbender on Ice."
  • Later:
    Marcus: It's like the movie's fighting us. It's, like, actively trying not to convey the information properly.
    Dan: It's like a guy who's, like, trying to pickpocket you on the train, and he's already fucked up twice, and you are onto him, but you still have to keep watching him because he won't stop.
    Marcus: Somehow, that was a perfect analogy.
• When Katara is introduced.
  Marcus: Is she white? Is that what I'm seeing? Is this a white girl?
  Dan: Yeah.
  Marcus: That's not good.
• Their reaction to Katara and Sokka finding Aang encased in ice.
  Sokka: Katara! Do not hit that sphere!
  (cut to Katara immediately cracking the sphere open, accompanied by edited-in bonk sound effect)
  (Dan and Marcus burst into laughter)
• The two pointing out how unintimidating the Fire Nation look when they invade the Water Tribe.
  (two soldiers shuffle past the screen)
  Dan: They're just running back and forth! This Muppet run... "Oh, God, it's fucking cold here, man!"
• Them describing the Fire Nation's Earthbender prison (an unrestrained camping site surrounded by earth) as an "open-concept concentration camp."
• When Sokka and Princess Yue quietly leave the room in the background during a serious scene.
  Marcus: "Come on, let's go make out."
  Dan: (softly) "Let's go get some Chic-fil-a."
  Marcus: (laughs) "You want to go to Panera, babe?"
  Dan: (whispering) Fucking white people. (Marcus laughs harder) "I could really go for a bread bowl right now."
• Zuko getting imprisoned by being completely frozen prompts some reactions.
  Marcus: ... He killed him. He fucking killed him. "And he will awaken in one hundred years..."
  Dan: They just push him over; he shatters.
  (Marcus laughs)

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within – The Weirdest Movie We've Watched

• Marcus and Dan commenting on the now-nonexistant Square Pictures when their logo pops up.
  Dan: They're still around, right? Didn't they do The Lighthouse?
  Marcus: They–Yep. That's them. (both laugh) Known for their hit films, this one and nothing else ever.
• After a billboard advertising Pepsi is shown.
  Marcus: Hey, Pepsi!
  Dan: Pepsi! Final Pepsi-sy.
  Marcus: Pepsi and Sony. That's almost as bad as the Product Placement in... in Final Fantasy!
  (cut to Gladiolus advertising Cup Noodles)
• Them instantly recognizing Alec Baldwin's voice.
  Marcus: Oh my God, is that... ?
  Dan: Is that Jack Donaghy?
  Marcus: Is that... Boss Baby?
  Dan: We knew we could count on him to save New York!
  (audio of an infamous phone call between Baldwin and his 12 year old daughter plays over a photo of the titular Boss Baby)
• When two armored soldiers reveal their faces.
  (Neil removes his helmet)
  Marcus: Chris Redfield.
  (Gray removes his helmet)
  Marcus: Chris Redfield again!
  Dan: "Remember me?"
• Marcus and Dan repeatedly laughing at General Hein's facial features being edited to make him look more "evil." Made funnier by the fact that they actually end up agreeing with him later in the movie.
• Halfway through, they get so bored, Marcus suggests turning it off. Dan says to hold off for at least five more minutes, just in case. A minute later, a bunch of Phantoms show up and start eating the humans' spirits.
• Their reaction to Gray slowly moving his bed closer to that of the comatose Aki to hold her hand.
  Dan: Ewwwwwwwwwww.
  Marcus: Yeah, what if I put my Minecraft bed next to yours?
  (Dan laughs)
• When they notice the soldiers' T-shirts all have a logo that says "USMF."
  Dan: What is it—USMF? Is that their insignia?
  Dan and Marcus: United States Mother Fuckers.
  • Later, after Aki and Gray come back as the sole survivors of a mission.
    Aki!Marcus: Hey. You alright? How you holding up there, buddy?
    Aki!Dan: Doin' okay? Do you wanna change? You've been wearing that shirt for a while. (Marcus laughs) You're sweaty.
    Aki!Marcus: Honey, are you okay? You're still wearing your "U.S. Motherfuckers" shirt.
• During the climax, a Phantom emerges from within Aki, prompting the two to anticipate a Title Drop.
  Aki!Dan: This whole time... you were the spirit...
  Aki!Marcus: Within!
  Aki!Dan: With... me...
  Aki: With the hope of new life, has Gaia changed the Phantom within?
  Dan: "The Phantom within"? You were so close! You were so close!
  Marcus: You fucking IDIOT!

Watching Twilight for the First Time (Not Clickbait)

• Marcus and Vero discussing whether or not they're Team Jacob
  Vero: I had a crush on Taylor Lautner too, so I didn't really have a team.
  Marcus: Sharkboy?
  Vero: Sharkboy, yeah, he got hot. He gets like, in the next book, he's like (Vero's face is superimposed over a buff man's body) "Hello."
• Marcus starts wondering why Edward chooses to stay in school despite being over 100 years old.
  Marcus: If I was a vampire and I was kinda close to 18, I would not hide in high school. I'd be going to the club. I'd be living it up.
  Vero: I'm trying to remember...
  Marcus: I'd be fucking bitches... (Vero laughs) I would not be in high school for hundreds of years!
  Vero: I think they like it.
  Marcus: What?!
  • Also on the subject of Edward's age:
    Marcus: What if he still had the mindset of when he was actually younger, and he's like, "I wish you didn't wear pants." He thinks women shouldn't be able to vote.
• Charlie's friend Waylon randomly getting given the title of "sex god of the town" by Marcus.
  Marcus: Oh, no, this is the sex god! He showed up in the earlier scene.
  Vero: Ohhhhhhhh... (whispering) Sex god?
  Marcus: Well, you can tell looking at him. He's the town–
  Vero: Yeah, I'd fuck him.
  Marcus: He's the town pussy magnet. Wait, what?
• Marcus praising the movie's soundtrack, then immediately making fun of its licensed music earning him a Death Glare from Vero.
  • Vero enthusiastically dancing to an emotional piano track a few minutes later.
• When Bella's in Edward's room, the music she plays on his stereo is changed to Ram Ranch.
• Vero's reaction to Bella monologueing in the car in the third act.
  Vero: Back to the beginning of the movie!
  Marcus: Every great movie starts In Medias Res.
  Vero: What?
  Marcus: The ending is the beginning. Every great movie–Sonic the Hedgehog (2020) does it, Catwoman (2004) does it, because it makes the audience go, like, "Dat was at da beginning of da movie!"
  Vero: Are you mocking me right now? (Marcus laughs)
• At the end of the movie, after Bella refuses her mom's offer to move in with her.
  Marcus: She's like, "Listen, I know there's murderous vampires, but I will not move to Florida."
  Edward: Bella, you gotta go to Jacksonville so I can't hurt you anymore.
  Bella: No!
  (Marcus laughs)
  Vero: This is the most emotion she's had this whole movie.
  Marcus: Yeah, they actually just told her, "Okay, so he's telling you to move to Florida..."
  Vero: She's like, "Ah! AH!"

Twilight: New Moon and Eclipse

• Marcus's growing infatuation with Charlie leading to him demanding he get his own book.
  Marcus: What would his book be called? What's, like, the nomenclature?
  Vero: Uh... The Dark Side of the Moon.
  Marcus: Yeah! Dark Side of the Moon: The Charlie Chronicles! (both laugh)
• Them noticing Edward's visible jealousy when Bella and Jacob talk.
  Vero: He's like, "STOP IT!"
  Marcus: He's fucking sobbing in the corner... (through gritted teeth) "STOP... TALKING TO MY GIRLFRIEND!"
• Marcus making fun of how Bella and Edward kiss.
  Vero: You have to know how much his erection hurts him.
• Marcus calling himself "Team Jacob" in response to him and Bella's seemingly healthy relationship, taking it back when Jacob forces a kiss on her and starts acting manipulative, then deciding that they "deserve eachother" after Bella tries to stay romantically involved with both him and Edward.
• Their repeated bewilderment at the constantly-shirtless werewolves that live in the woods, leading to speculation that they form JO circles there, among other activities.
  • Also, Semi-Charmed Life being edited onto all of their appearances to reflect their "me and the boys" energy, even in serious scenes.
• Marcus asking Vero to find Charle "Vampire Hunter AU" fanfiction, leading to them reading the tags of an explicit fic called Dad Energy, most of them bleeped.
• Vero reading out a tweet by Donald Trump from 2012 in which he says the two leads of the Twilight movies (who dated on set) shouldn't get back together, followed by a dramatic reveal of a reply saying "YOU SHOULD BE PRESIDENT FOR SAYING THAT".
• Marcus's reaction to Edward visiting Bella at her mom's home.
  Marcus: Edward went to FLORIDA?! That's not against the Vampire Geneva Conventions, or whatever?!
  Vero: That's why he's not outside right now, then.
  Marcus: As someone who lives in Florida, there is feasibly no way to avoid the sunlight. This is officially the dumbest thing this movie has tried to pull.
• After Bella asks Jacob if he's ever imprinted on anyone.
  (Vero wheezes)
  Marcus: Yo, I imprint all over my girl's titties–I'm gonna stop.
  Vero: No, it's funny. You should have. Don't be a pussy.
  Marcus: Nah, I'm not gonna–No, I'm not.
  Vero: I imprint all over my girl's titties every day! (airhorns play)
• Vero's summation of Edward refusing to have sex with Bella.
  Edward!Vero: My cock will tear you open. My dick is gonna go so far up that (bleep) that it's gonna (bleep). It's gonna hit your (bleep) and then (bleep) and then in your ear, and then in your (bleep)...
• The suprisingly-violent battle at the climax of Eclipse (edited to include electronic music, Halo announcer voice clips, and Stylish Ranks) getting Marcus and Vero riled up, followed by a cut to Marcus yawning at the leads' confrontation with Victoria.

Twilight Breaking Dawn

• Marcus comparing Jacob howling at the moon on the night of Bella and Edward's wedding to a viral video of a husky throwing a tantrum.
• Their reactions to Bella and Edward skinny dipping and kissing in the ocean, describing it both as a scene straight from The Lighthouse and a "yeast infection waiting to happen."
  Vero: Girl, those little tiny fishes are gonna swim up in your coochie!
• The morning after Bella and Edward have sex for the first time.
  Bella!Marcus: Kinda sucked. (Vero chortles) I want a divorce.
  • Later, when Edward refuses to have sex with Bella again out of fear of hurting her.
  Bella!Vero: Sir! (clapping for emphasis) I want you to choke me! I want you to (long bleep). I want you to (bleep), I want you to break my (bleep), I want you to pull that (bleep), I want you to fuckin' (bleep) inbetween my toes...
• Following a discussion of their distaste for the Magical Native American trope, Marcus and Vero speculate that Edward's housekeeper Kaure made up everything she said about Bella's vampire baby just to fuck with them.
• This bit from a scene where werewolves are discussing the pregnancy:
  Embry: Ease up, Paul.
  Paul!Marcus: I told you not to call me Paul. You have to call me Wolfblood.
  Paul!Vero: Call me Shadowreaper.
• Marcus's reaction to Bella running at super speed and pouncing on a mountain lion.
  Marcus: You can't make a move look like that! People will laugh at you!
  Vero: (laughing) She's like a flying squirrel!
• After Charlie finds out about vampires.
  Vero: He's gonna be like, "Damn, what is else is real that I thought wasn't?"
  Marcus: "I'm gonna go try to find a unicorn."
  Vero: "Female orgasms?" (Marcus laughs)
  Marcus: "I've heard of this 'cli-tour-is,' I think I might try to go find it in the woods."
• The Volturi executing a vampire child by throwing it into fire, accompanied by a "YEET" sound effect and a ringout explosion.
  (Marcus bursts into laughter)
  Vero: Fuck this kid!
  Marcus: Fuck those ki-i-i-i-ids!
• Marcus getting repeatedly distracted by a video of Hayley Williams twerking.
• Jacob actually getting along with Benjamin.
  Jacob!Marcus: Finally...
  Jacob!Vero: A cool vampire that I can bro around with! (Marcus laughs)
  Jacob!Marcus: Hey bro, you want to go into the forest? (both immediately start making wanking gestures)
• Their enthusiastic approval of the even-more-violent climax of Breaking Dawn Part 2.
  Vero: When the world opens up again, and I can go to concerts, this better be what the next pit I'm in is like. I better fucking die.

More of the Most Awkward Dating Show Ever

• This bit from the intro:
  Meghan: Last time we watched this, I was blonde, and this show traumatized me so much, my hair turned black.
• Because Season 2 of Dating Around partially takes place in New Orleans, the topic of Hurricane Katrina comes up multiple times.
  Justin: They did the whole Hurricane Katrina thing, then they stayed...
  Marcus: What's "the whole Hurricane Katrina thing"?
  Meghan: It's like a hazing thing for people in New Orleans. You're only worthy of living in the city if you've lived through Hurricane Katrina.
  Marcus: So you have to just... You have to just flood your house? (Meghan laughs)
• Marcus and Meghan repeatedly comparing Ben to George McFly.
  Meghan: At the end of this episode, Biff Tannen is gonna come in and beat the shit out of him.
  Marcus: (laughing) Beat the fuck out of him?!
  Meghan: And then take the girl that he picks.
• Marcus's reaction to Jaden describing herself as a closet nerd and a Dragon Ball Z fan, accompanied by a zoom-in to his Frieza T-shirt and the intro to Cha-La Head Cha-La.
• Their pained reaction to Ben finding out his date is a student at the university he teaches at.
• During Ben and Jaden's date.
  Ben: You... just have such an amazing smile and an amazing laugh that is just infectious...
  Ben!Marcus: But I hate anime.
  Ben!Meghan: But I can't date you, because you're anime trash.
  Ben!Marcus: I can't date a fucking weeaboo.
• Their repeated jokes at True's expense, making fun of his name and comparing him to Kingpin.
  Marcus: Honestly, he is telling all the truth. Maybe that's his curse.
  Meghan: He can only tell the truth!
  Marcus: He can only say what's on his mind!
• Marcus accurately predicting Deva's final date is with a girl because she's shown holding a bike.
  Marcus: Alright, the bike? Lesbian date.
  Meghan: Is this a lesbian thing?
  Marcus: Straights don't ride bikes.

Pinocchio: A True Story

• The bit when Modjafocco first meets Pinocchio:
  Modjafocco: You... Made of wood?
  Dan: Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

The Most Messed Up Transformers Movie

• Marcus and Dan's utter bewilderment at the increased violence at the hands of the Autobots.
  Optimus Prime: We will kill them all.
  Marcus: (bursts into laughter) WHAT?!
  Dan: We're gonna– We're gonna what?
  (a bunch of Autobots proceed to tear a Decepticon limb from limb)
  Marcus: WHAT THE FUCK?! (laughing) THEY'RE MURDERING HIM! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
  Dan: Oh my god! It's the Smiling Friends bit!
• Towards the end of the film, Dan briefly wonders how the film will end before cutting back to the one-two punch of Optimus executing Megatron and Sentinel as Dan and Marcus laugh out of sheer shock.
  [As Sentinel monologues, the video zooms in on Optimus grabbing Megatron's shotgun off the ground. Dan breathlessly laughs, tensing in his seat.]
  Optimus: You betrayed yourself.
  Sentinel: NO, OPTIMUS—!
  [Optimus shoots his mentor point-blank.]
  Marcus: (bursts into laughter) HE SAID "NO"! HOLY FUCK! This movie's so funny...! "OPTIMUS, PLEASE! Don't shoot me in the head with a shotgun!" He's like "We saved the city!" (loses his shit again)

Transformers: The Last Knight

• Marcus and Dan discuss how the prolonged firefight in the film's climax must have blown some of the soldiers' eardums out, then briefly touch upon the possibility that the last thing some poor sap ever heard in this universe was "Get down with the Hound".

Other

• Cosmonaut's old Overwatch videos are hilarious and utter treats to watch:
  • The Best Character in Overwatch, which turns Junkrat into a Memetic Badass.
  • Life of an Average Genji Player. AKA Marcus roleplays as an edgy wannabe weeaboo by trying to play as Genji and failing to garner any success before having his game taken away by his 'mom' for incessant yelling and cursing.
  • The Most Hated Character in Overwatch? It's Mei, and he makes a good argument for it. At the end of the video, though, he does make an effort to list her positives... all while the camera zooms in on her backside.
• Marcus's weeaboo persona returns and gets taken up to eleven in For Honor: Anime Edition.

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