Funny / South Park - Seasons 6 to 10

Moments pages are Spoilers Off. You Have Been Warned.

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From the creators of Der, and Tum Ta Tittaly Tum Ta Too, Rob Schneider is Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb. Rated PG-13.

Season 6

Jared Has Aides

• Jared announcing how his aides helped him lose weight is particularly epic:
  Jared: I'm personally going to see to it that each and everyone of you gets aides!
  (The crowd looks at him in stunned silence)
  Mayor MacDaniels: ...This guy's insane.
  Jared: But I won't stop there. I'm gonna seek out all the underprivileged and hungry children of the world, and I'm going to give them aides myself!
• And towards the end of the episode, where you see Jared very literally beating a dead horse whilst he gripes about how everyone is now against him.
• Cartman impersonating Butters on the phone was also unbelievably hilarious:
  Stephen: I'm just checking in on you, Butters. Hey— Do I hear the television? We told you, no television while you're grounded!
  Cartman: Oh, gee whiz, I'm not, uh, watchin' television, Dad, I'm just layin' around jackin' it.
  Stephen: "Jacking it"? Jacking what?
  Cartman: Well my hot spicy boner, of course, Dad.
  Stephen: What?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?!
  Cartman: Well, ah, loosen up, you bloody vaginal belch.
  Stephen: Oh! You are gonna get it, mister! You just wait till I get home!
  Cartman: Bring it on, queer bait.
  (a short while later)
  Linda: Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset!
  Cartman: Yeah, well, Dad's just being a little pussy, Mom.
  Linda: Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?!
  Cartman: Uh, not from you dumbasses, that's for sure.
  Linda: Oh, you just wait till I get home, mister!
  Cartman: Oh, I'll be waiting with bells on, you old horse-bangin' skank.
  • Butters then comes home and Cartman ensures him that no one will suspect that he ever was gone from the house. Butters thanks him for being such a good friend, and Cartman says it was his pleasure and bids him goodbye, then goes outside, humming to himself as he first goes about finding a perfect spot for a full view of Butters' house, then setting up a lawn chair and grabbing himself a snack as he watches Butters' furious parents arriving home:
    Butters: Hi, Mom and Dad!
    Stephen: DON'T YOU "HI, MOM AND DAD" US YOU LITTLE PUNK!!! (punch)
    Butters: Ow! Dad?
    Linda: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TROUBLE YOU'RE IN, MISTER! (punch)
    Butters: Ah! What did I do?! What did I do?!
    Stephen: YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH NOW?! ANSWER ME!!!(a belt is heard coming off and whipping Butters)
    Butters: Aaaa!! (the beating continues)
    Cartman: (extremely satisfied with himself) Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now.
• The parodies of the "He's still lookin' good" Subway jingle, getting lazier every time:
  Singer: He's still looking good, eating them sandwiches all the time...

Asspen

• The continually ridiculous escalation of the time share presentation, from the ski lift going right back into the meeting, to the hallways all leading to the time share to the revelation that apparently EVERYONE in the world is in on the time share scam.
• "Quaid! Start the reactor!"
• Tad, the douchebag whom Stan's racing against, taking Dick Dastardly Stops to Cheat to an art form.
• Tad's guitar performance, say it with me now "Stan Darshhhh! Stan Darsh Darsh Darsh!"
• Stan's complete apathy to the 80's movie plot around them.
• The Montage, mostly for the shots of the parents bored in the Time Share and Cartman giving Butters a Hitler.
• Butters dancing.
  Cartman: Butters, I hate you with every inch of my body.
• The Old Man that randomly shows up to reveal the history of the K13 with the vampire Indian ghosts trapped inside. It gets even better when after Stan wins the race, they are released for no apparent reason other than Stan won a completely unrelated race.
• Cartman's pranks on Butters.

Freak Strike

• Cartman goes on Maury, dressed as a skanky pre-teenage girl. "Whatev-ah! I'll do what I wan'!" really must be seen to be believed. "I slaughtered five baby seals with my bare hands. Whatever, I'll do what I want!" "Maury, I am out of control! Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I want, bitch! Yeah, I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do what I want! I don't go to school and I kill people! Whatever! I'll do what I want!" "Oh yeah? I roam with 12 gangs! And we only commit hate crimes! Whatever! I'll do what I want!" "I digitally put Jabba the Hutt back into the original Star Wars movie!" "Whateva! I'll crap in Maury's pants!" Which only gets topped when a toddler beats him out in terms of viewer outrage - every innocent act is perceived as Troubling Unchildlike Behavior (namely stripping off the diaper she was wearing to run around, a rather common event for very young kids).
• Cartman getting chased by the freaks after ripping the balls off of Butters's chin. Also doubles as a Moment of Awesome since someone finally sticks up for poor Butters after all he's been through.

The New Terrance and Phillip Movie Trailer

• Russell Crowe's Fighting Around The World. Russell himself found the parody funny.
  "Right! Where is that pussy, cancer, anyways?"
• The boys have to run back and forth between houses, with fatass Cartman lagging behind and babbling breathlessly as he struggles to keep up.
• The trailer for Asses of Fire 2 consists only of text flying "really fast across the screen", and then a short half-second clip of farting. Needless to say, the boys love it.

Professor Chaos

• Butters is "fired" from being the 4th friend. Stan, Kyle and Cartman treat it like a corporate layoff, complete with business attire.
• The Boys way to decide who the "New Kenny" is, is to hold a Bachelor competition, complete with ceremonial roses.
• Dog Poo finally speaks and his voice is more esteemed than you would think.
• Although completely politically incorrect, Kyle giving a confessional about which "retard" would be more beneficial as a friend (Jimmy or Timmy) is darkly funny for how casual it is.
• Part of the audition? Standing with the Boys at the bus stop as the episode opening banjo twang plays.
• Tolkien has no idea what to do for the talent competition. So he tucks his shirt over the top, exposing his abdomen and dances. The Boys think it's the best one.
• Jimmy's flagarant ass-kissing when he make the final round.
• Cartman's "Get the fudge out" catchphrase and it's variants, especially the long one he gives to Clyde.
• Butter's Harmless Villain antics. Even after hacking into the Jumbo Tron at Coors Field to announce his plan to flood the world, he only manages to make his back yard wet.
• The fact that no one figures out Professor Chaos is Butters and that the adults at the baseball game take him seriously.
• The faux cliffhanger: Will Chaos' latest plan work? Who is the new 4th friend? Which character dies? The answers will be given.....right now. No, Tweak, Ms. Choksondik.
• It's Black Comedy at it's finest, but Ms. Choksondik suddenly dying with no explanation is funny for how out of left field it is. The last shot of the episode is her dead on a gurney, eyes partially open with her tongue out.

Simpsons Already Did It

• Cartman's "Sea People" song and accompanying Imagine Spot.
• After believing that a prank involving Cartman's sea people killed Ms. Choksondik, they ask Chef for advice, which doesn't go well at first...
  Chef: Now, children, every problem can be worked out. What was it?
  Stan: We killed our teacher and they found our Sea Men in her stomach!
  Chef: ...Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up: ♪Sometimes you kill your teacher / and they find your semen in her stomach / and then you—♪ Wait, what the, WHAT?!
  Stan: So what should we do?
  Chef: ...(pushes the couch which Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Tweek are sitting on out of his house)
  • Made even funnier when Chef bursts into the room that the boys are in later in the episode with fake passports and plane tickets, telling them that their life on the run won't be pleasant...and all of this coming after the boys took the semen back from where the autopsy was being performed. When the mix-up is explained, Chef laughs and promises to sing the Boys a song explaining the difference between "Sea men" and "Semen" at a later date.
• From the autopsy scene, after the boys are nearly discovered:
  Doctor: "Hey, do you smell children?"
  Doctor 2: "Nah."
• The code word for danger in the mourge is "Hammer Time." How does Tweek remember it? By quickly singing Can't Touch This to himself until the words come to him.
• Cartman has no place to hide in the mourge....except for inside Ms. Choksondik's corpse.
• Cartman getting semen from a guy named Ralph who made him "close his eyes and suck it out a hose." "Stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it" Cartman notes. Crosses the Line Twice and Refuge in Audacity don't even come close to describing this.
• After Dougie brings up many of Butters' plans already done by The Simpsons:
  Butters: Fine! Then maybe I'll just forget about destroying the town and just run away and join the circus.
  (Beat)
  Dougie: Simpsons did it.
  (Butters yells in frustration)

Red Hot Catholic Love

• The Catholic Boat.
  • "Get some hot Christian action that'll make you..." *Randy wakes up screaming*
• The boys trying to find out what Father Maxi would want to put anything in their butts and Chef comes along.
  Chef: Hello there children!
  Stan: Chef! What would a priest want to stick up my butt?
  Chef: ...Goodbye! (Chef walks off quickly)
• The fact that an alien race called the Gelgameks have joined the Catholic Church, and Father Maxi's the only one who finds it strange. He's also completely baffled at the arrival of the giant queen spider the Vatican apparently answers to.
  • The fact that Father Maxi is the only Catholic priest in the entire universe who DOESN'T molest kids.
• Cartman succesfully craps out his mouth. After the initial shock wears off, he begins celebrating. If you ever wanted to show a clip that showed the heart and soul of South Park, Cartman dancing while sing-songing "I crapped out my mouth!" would be it.

Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society

• The boys reverting back into ape-ish neanderthals upon seeing Bebe's newly developed breasts.
• An astronaut duo crash landing on Earth, believing that they've landed thousands of years in the future where apes have taken over and end up shooting themselves in their heads.
  Bebe: Having boobs sucks.
• Bebe's newly developed breasts actually talking while she's asleep.
• Wendy's ridiculous implants and the guys' reactions:
  Clyde: Look at those ridiculous things!
  Butters: Ew, they're all hard and oogy!
  Cartman: What a stupid bitch!

Child Abduction is Not Funny

• The Looney Tunes-esque battle of the Mongolians and the City Wok owner involving a wall surrounding the town.
• From the same episode, when Tweek almost gets abducted by a predator posing as The Ghost of Human Kindness, the adults of South Park protest by standing outside the mayor's office and yelling, "Rabble rabble rabble" over and over again.
  Randy: Well what are we gonna do, Mayor?! We have to stop these abductors from being able to get into our town!
  Crowd: RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE
  Mayor McDaniels: Yes, but standing out here yelling "Rabble rabble rabble" isn't going to help anything.
  Jimbo: ...Well, we don't know what else to do, Mayor!
  Crowd: RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE
• The end of the episode when everyone decides that they don't need a wall.
  Lu Kim: Oh, you better not say what I think you gonna say...
  Mayor: Mr. Tuong Lu Kim, tear down this wall!
  Lu Kim: ["Shaggy Dog" Story Oh God, I hate this whole city!]

A Ladder to Heaven

• Saddam Hussein is building chemical weapons in heaven.
  Saddam: Heh heh heh, stupid asshole...
• Sometime after getting Kenny's urn:
  Stan: What about Kenny? His soul is still in Cartman's body!
  Cartman: No no, I just drank his memories. I'm not sharing my body with that poor piece of crap.
  Kenny, in Cartman's voice: Stop calling me poor, you fat dick!
  Kyle: Whoa! [shakes Cartman] Kenny, you in there?
  Cartman: Stop it!
  Kenny, in Cartman's voice: Where am I, you guys?
  Cartman: Oh, God! [runs off]
  Stan: Dude, come back here!
  Kyle: Stop him, Kenny! [they both chase after Cartman]
• "If Heaven is an eight-year-old boy, and the ladder is my penis..."
  • "Hard nipples!"
• The adults being interviewed about how touched they are that the boys miss Kenny so much to want to build that ladder (except they don't, they just want to get tickets from him) is brilliantly capped off with Mr. Garrison bluntly and emotionlessly saying that the whole thing sounds stupid.
• After George W. Bush describes why Saddam Hussein would be in Heaven in the first place (a summary of Saddam's story to date on the show):
  Delegate: Are you high, or just incredibly stupid?
  Bush: I assure you, I am not high.

The Return of The Fellowship of The Ring to The Two Towers

• This episode ends with all the parents thinking that the boys had watched the filthiest porno on the planet and begin to explain to them how everything done in it is perfectly normal for men and women to do. However, the boys didn't actually see it and are dumbfounded as their parents talk about all these very extreme sexual acts. The look on their faces is priceless.
  Stan: ...Wow.
  • It's even funnier when you realize that the parents left out the part about how sex is reproduction. Then again given what Tolkien saw that would just mess with their brains more if four guys putting their dicks in the woman's vagina at the same time while seven pee on her is "reproduction". It's skipping the birds and bees talk and going straight to anal sex so the reproduction idea kind of takes a backseat.
• After the boys spend the entire episode dressed as The Lord of the Rings characters:
  Kyle: Hey, what are you guys doing?
  Boy: We're playing Harry Potter.
  Cartman: Ha! Fags!
• When Jimmy stays behind to fight off the sixth graders (which fails miserably, as they just go right past him), the parents eventually show up, and ask Jimmy where the boys are. After he tells them, they just... drive off. Leaving the handicapped child alone in a town he's never been to before.
• Also, the sixth graders shouting "Poorn! Give us that poorn!" when chasing the kids.
• Butters watching the porno, which he mistook for Lord of the Rings. When the main four get him to join them on their quest to return the tape, Kyle tells Butters, "You gotta play Lord of the Rings". Butters then starts humping Kyle. And then he goes full-on Gollum in his pursuit of "Backdoor Sluts 9".
• Tolkien goes into the house in full costume to see what the big deal with the video is. He comes out a few minutes later, in normal clothes with a Thousand-Yard Stare, puts the video down and just says "I'm not playing anymore". When asked for more details:
  Tolkien: I don't know. I don't wanna know. I'm out.
  • Later when the parents come over, they try to explain what he saw as just being a normal act between a loving man and woman. He isn't buying it.
    Randy: You see, Token, when a man and woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. It's called lovemaking and it's part of being in love.
    (Beat)
    Tolkien: And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love too? Five midgets, spanking a man covered with Thousand Island dressing, is that making love?
    Tolkien’s Father: Jesus! What kind of porno was that?
    Gerald: It was Backdoor Sluts 9.
    Tolkien’s Father: Oh Jesus! Not that one! (Tolkien’s mother gives him a dirty look)

The Death Camp of Tolerance

• "Chil'ren... there's a big difference between gay people, and Mr. Garrison."
• Mr. Garrison decides to punish Cartman and the other for misbehaving in class...by spanking Mr. Slave with a paddle.
• Cartman shouting "I wanna ride again" after going through the Tunnel of Prejudice at the Museum of Tolerance.

The Biggest Douche In The Universe

• All of the fake trailers for Rob Schneider movies. They are for "The Stapler", "A Carrot", "Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb", and "Kenny".
  • The funny thing is Rob Schneider actually liked it.
    I loved it. That was genius. I thought the only thing, they were too nice to me...When you're spoofed by the best people in the business, that's an honor.

    — Rob Schneider
  • Also counts as either Hilarious in Hindsight or Harsher in Hindsight considering the release of the infamous Norm of the North, which has an eerily similar premise to the fake trailers.
• John Edwards: "GODDAMMIT, I'M SPECIAL!"
  • The fact that John Edwards beat a literal giant douche for "The Biggest Douche In The Universe" award.
• Chef and Liane Cartman learning too late they were supposed to bring a "victim child" to Cartman's exorcism. Also, Kenny's spirit literally flying out of Cartman's ass.
  Chef: Where were we supposed to find a child sacrifice?
  Chef's Mom: We weren't gonna ask you where you got it.
• Chef's mom trying to entice Kenny's soul with tree fiddy, and Chef's dad getting pissed at her for not starting smaller.
• This Line:
  Chef: Cartman is your friend, whether you like him or not!
• Stan ends up getting his own 'talking to dead spirits' TV show whilst he tries to explain that everything he's doing is just a trick (Which people fail to understand). It leads to this gem:
  Stan: (facepalming) ...OK. Let's back up.
  (the entire audience all shifts back one row)
  Stan: NOT LITERALLY!

My Future Self And Me

• Cartman sets up the Parental Revenge Center of Western America. His proposal of revenge to both Butters and Stan? Smear the walls of their houses... with poop. It's the calm, thoughtful way he says it, and then he gets a bunch of Mexican kids in to smear poo on the walls with wall painters. And for Butters, it WORKS. The way he goes about it, you get the feeling that he's done it many times, and it's worked many times too. And the way he hands around poop swatches. It's things like this that remind you Cartman is an asshole, but he is also very clever and businesslike.
  Cartman: Now, Stan. For you I've put together a really nice design. I feel your parents were a bit more cocky about lying to you and your revenge needs to reflect that. So what I wanna to is put a note on your parents' door, telling them I'm the counselor from the school.
  Stan: Yeah.
  Cartman: The note will inform them that a problem has come up and they need to see me right-away, back at my office.
  Stan: Yeah.
  Cartman: Your parents will drive all the way out to the school and discover that no meeting is actually taking place.
  Stan: Yeah!
  Cartman: And while they're gone, we're gonna smear all their walls...with poop.
• Stan gets in trouble for watching The Osbournes:
  Sharon: Stan, what'd I tell you about watching The Osbournes?
  Stan: Aw, come on!
  Sharon: It's going to make you retarded!
  Stan: It's just a show! It doesn't have any fucking effect on me for fuck's sake!
• When Future Stan shows up.
  Stan: Who the fuck is it, mom and dad?
• Butters reveals his secret identity to Stan:
  Butters: (Jumps out of a closet dressed as Professor Chaos and laughs evilly) Now you know my terrible secret!
  Stan: You're gay? It's fine if you're gay, Butters. I don't care.
  Butters: Huh? No, I'm Professor Chaos—
  Stan: But we have to teach our parents a lesson, Butters. We're running away. Help me find a perfect place to run away to. (Walks away)
  Butters: (Looks in a mirror) Maybe I used a little too much silver...
• The sitcom-esque song which Stan attempts and fails to stop three times.
• The fact that Randy was actually stupid enough to cut off an actor's hand to keep up the illusion that he actually was Future!Stan.
• Cartman resolves to take better care of his body and think more carefully about what he wants to be when he grows up. At that moment, he meets a well-dressed handsome young man claiming to be his future self...
  Future Cartman: I came back to tell you that this is the day you turned it all around. You stop eating junk food and you start studying harder, you stay away from drugs and alcohol and you become CEO of your own time-travel company!
  Cartman: Oh, wow! Really? That's so awesome! Now I'll really work to be successful!
  Future Cartman: Right on!
  Cartman: Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm gonna spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doin' drugs when I want! [walks away] Whatevah! I do what I want!
  Future Cartman: No! Wait!
  [a beam of electricity hits Future Cartman, turning him into an overweight mechanic carrying a toolbox and a wrench while wearing sloven, stain-covered clothes]
  Future Cartman: OH, GODDAMMIT!

Red Sleigh Down

• Kyle's cousin Kyle acting as Cartman's naughty or nice accountant.
  Kyle: Four thousand three hundred and twelve instances of being naughty against three deductions of being nice, is, is bad.
  Cartman:Three?? You didn't deduct all my nice invoices! Look look! What about this one? [lifts up a sheet from the desk]
  Kyle: Yes, well I didn't think "hitting Clyde in the balls with slingshot" really counted as nice.
  Cartman: It was nice for Tolkien, he laughed for like 20 minutes.
  • Kyle's estimate after he's finished adding everything up.
  Kyle: By my estimates, even if you cure cancer and AIDS in the next three days, you'll still owe Santa two presents.
• The subplot of the Mayor agreeing to let Jimmy sing his favorite Christmas carol before they begin the tree lighting ceremony. Cue Mr. Garrison's immediate Oh, Crap! as Jimmy starts to stutter his way through the first line of The 12 Days of Christmas.
• How Kenny is written back into the show in the very end. Stan's underreaction - as though he last saw Kenny a few hours ago rather than the end of the last season - really sells it.
  Stan: Well, all in all, I have to say, this was a pretty special Christmas.
  Kenny: [walks up to the other three after a season-long absence] (Hey guys, what's going on?)
  Stan: Oh, hey, Kenny.
  Kyle: Dude, where have you been?
  Kenny: (Oh, I've just been hanging out.) [points just off-screen]

Season 7

Cancelled

• When the boys are met by a shapeshifting alien, they reject the idea of him taking the form of Randy Marsh (mainly because it reminds them of the movie Contact which they all hate), but when it reveals its true, hideous form, they demand he become someone else. Unfortunately, the various forms he chooses are repeatedly rejected by the boys. One of the forms he takes is a dancing Saddam Hussein, singing "Hello, My Baby". Its final form, which is met with quiet applause from the boys, is a humanoid taco that poops ice cream.

Krazy Kripples

• The Running Gag of people instantly deciding to sit the rest of the episode out:
  • First, when Jimmy is upset over the residents of South Park going to a pro-stem cell research speech by Christopher Reeve instead of to his comedy show, protesting that unlike Reeve, he and Timmy have been disabled since birth. Stan and Kyle say they're going to stay out of this one, and they leave with Cartman and Kenny to play with trucks instead.
  • Then, Jimmy and Timmy announce that they're going to form a club for people who, like them, have been disabled since birth. Cartman is offended that he can't join their club, but Stan and Kyle persuade him and Kenny to join them in staying out of this one.
  • When Jimmy and Timmy show Mr. McGillicuddy the T-shirt maker the name of their club - the Crips - he says there's already a gang by that name. Unaware that they're one of the USA's most notorious gangs, Jimmy asks about joining them. Mr. McGillicuddy immediately says he's going to stay out of this one.
  • It emerges that Christopher Reeve's apparent recovery from his paralysis is down to drinking stem cells direct from aborted foetuses. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny walk past his demonstration and declare that they're staying out of this one, claiming not to even see anything.
  • The newly-empowered Reeve forms a supervillain league whose members include Professor Chaos (Butters) and General Disarray (Dougie). When he realises what the league really stands for, Butters tells Dougie they'd better stay out of this one.
  • And at the end of the episode, with Reeve having been banished to the Phantom Zone by Gene Hackman, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny watch the skies and comment how glad they are they stayed out of this episode.
• Jimmy and Timmy joining the gang:
  Crip Leader: Lemme tell you 'bout my little Gs here, Roller and 4-Legs: They just smoked thirteen Bloods in one night! That ain't never been done before!
  #2 Crip: [munching] ...And they got us marshmallows and ginger ale!
  • Oh, and the Bloods they "smoked"? They were killed when a tanker truck accidentally slammed into the store they were hanging out in front of, Jimmy didn't even know they were supposed to kill anyone — he figured "pop some Bloods" meant buy them some soda pop.

I'm A Little Bit Country

• "YEW KIN GYIT OUT!!"
• Mr Garrison gives the class a choice between a math quiz or leaving for an anti-war protest being held outside the school. Three guesses which choice pretty much the whole class picks.
• Cartman's idiotic attempt at giving himself a mental time travel experience so he won't have to study the normal way, by dumping a DVR full of documentaries about the American Revolution in a kiddie pool while he's standing in it. What's worse, it works, even if he does end up in a coma for it.
• "Bush is a nay-zee."

Toilet Paper

• What's an episode about toilet paper without some Toilet Humour?
  Cashier: [as he scans the dozen or more four-packs of toilet paper the boys are buying, he looks at Cartman] You know, son, I remember you comin' in last week and buying this much toilet paper.
  Cartman: Heh, yeah, that- that's right. [the cashier continues to scan packs of toilet paper]
  Kyle: You TPed a house last week, Cartman?
  Cartman: No, last Thursday night was fajitas night.
  Kyle: Oh. [disgusted] Ughh...
• Basically, everything involving Josh Meyers, the Hannibal Lecter kid, but in particular, this:
  Josh Meyers: What's the matter, Principal Victoria, was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold-cuts and shove umbrellas up your ass?
  • One of Barbrady's responses leaves Josh in Stunned Silence. Immediately after a tearful Barbrady leaves the jail, the Warden confronts him.
    Warden: (Chidingly) Josh, were you doing the silly voice for the policeman again?
    Josh: (Meekly) No sir.
• Officer Barbrady investigating the toilet papering because he has nothing better to do.
• Cartman trying to 'kill' Kyle with a wiffle bat. His explanation of what he's doing as he's hitting Kyle is priceless.
  [Cartman sneaks up behind Kyle and hits him on the head with the wiffle bat; Kyle barely flinches]
  Kyle: Ow! [turns to face Cartman] What the hell are you doing, Cartman!?
  Cartman: I'm killing you. But unfortunately I could only afford a wiffle bat so it's gonna take a while. [he hits Kyle again]
  Kyle: Cartman!
  Cartman: Don't fight it Kyle, it will only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconsciousness. [he hits Kyle twice more]
  Kyle: You want to kill me!? Fine! I can't live like this anymore, go ahead! [turns his back on Cartman, who looks uncertainly at the bat] Do it!
  [Cartman proceeds to hit Kyle's head repeatedly with the wiffle bat; Kyle just stands there scowling]
  Cartman: Won't be long now, Kyle. [continues hitting him with the wiffle bat]

Fat Butt and Pancake Head

• "ALLO!!! My name is Jennifer Lopez. I eat tacos and burritos!"

Lil' Crime Stoppers

• The boys are called in by the Farnickle couple to find out what happened to a pie that disappeared from their window ledge. After a simple investigation, the boys quickly discover that the couple's dog just stole it and ate it. They then come back to inform the Farnickle's that they know what happened to the pie, and then telling them that they have a theory about how it happened. Said theory involves Mr. Farnickle wanting to eat the pie already, but his wife won't let him, which causes him to plan on brutally killing her, then afterwards take apart and dispose of her body, just because she didn't want him to eat their pie early. The boys describe all of this in detail, with the screen displaying visuals to boot, point-blank to the Farnickle's faces.
  Cartman: Looks like the game is over, old man! (the flabbergasted couple just stares at them in stunned disbelief for a few seconds)
  Mrs: Farnickle: Oh my God, what kind of television have you kids been watching?!
  Stan: Just the news.

Red Man's Greed

• The entire episode takes the history of American colonization and switches the white and Native American roles. The Big Bad's name is Chief Runswithpremise. His son (who is introduced late in the episode) is called Premiserunningthin.
• "Women, huh? God I hate 'em"
• "Their cash flows out of them like diarrhea from the buffalo."
• Cartman's plan to raise enough money to buy back the town involves giving Kyle AIDs.
• Randy tries to be profound:
  Randy:There's more to life than profits!
  Runs with Premise: Well like what?
  Randy: Well like...you know...Slurpees and stuff.
  * Randy calls the casino owners "cold-hearted, money-grubbing, evil, stinky Indians", then corrects himself for referring to them as Indians.
  • Likewise, Mr Garrison calls them "filthy bastard Indians" and is corrected by Principal Victoria that it's "filthy bastard Native American".
• "Just because you have a piece of paper saying you own it doesn't make it yours. We grew up here. Our parents grew up here. We shop at that Wal-Mart, and eat at that Chili's. We take fish from the streams and bread them and freeze them to make fish sticks. This is not just a town, it is our way of life."
• After the town gets infected with SARS, the news reporter delivers the town's predicament with an appropriate level of dignity, only to follow up with a cheery promo for conditioners.
• Stan's appropriate response when Randy tasks him with not only saving the town from the adult's own incompetence, but now he has to find a cure for SARS.

South Park Is Gay!

• Mr. Garrison's outrage in response to his students embracing the metrosexuality craze.
  Craig: (sees Kyle no longer dressing up like a metrosexual) Ha! Told ya you guys were straight!
  Stan: We're not straight! You're straight!
  Craig's Gang: You're straight!
  Cartman: You're straight like a freeway!
  Mr. Garrison: (dumbfounded by the boys' argument) What the hell is going on?
  Cartman: You wish you were gay, Craig! In your dreams!
  Craig: I'm not just gay, I'm a catamite!
  Cartman: S-so?! I'm half-bisexual!
  Mr. Garrison: Oh, stop it! You kids don't even know what you're talking about! Eric, you're not half-bi!
  Cartman: I'm like, a quarter-bi. My grandpa was bi, so that makes me quarter-bi!
  Mr. Garrison: (shocked and outraged) What?!
• Then there's his outrage to the men embracing the metrosexuality craze.
  Mr. Garrison: (to Randy, after he insists he's not actually gay and doesn't want to have sex with Mr. Slave) Those pants and those shoes say that you pound butt!
  Jimbo: Hey! My shoes don't say I pound butt!
  Mr. Garrison: No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!
• The Reveal that the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy guys were not gay, but actually crab people.
  • This gem:
    Crab Choir: Craaaaaab people, craaaaaab people. Tastes like craaaab, walk like people.
  • Just before that, Mr. Slave was attempting to swing in through the window only to get knocked out upon impact. Mr. Garrison's response seals the deal.
    Mr. Garrison: Well, crap, that didn't work.

Christian Rock Hard

• Cartman telling Token to get a bass guitar (which every black family has) and play out a goddamned bass line. Both are completely accurate, much to Token's chagrin.
• The rhythm section for Cartman's Christian rock band are initially not on board with the idea, but he appeals to their greed:
  Token: So, what are we doing?
  Cartman: Gentlemen, we are about to embark on the most amazing, life-affirming, financially windfalling experiences of our young lives!
  Butters: Wow!
  Cartman: We are going to start... a Christian rock band.
  Butters: [stops smiling] Awww.
  Token: I'm out. [grabs his amplifier and starts to leave]
  Cartman: Wait! Walk out that door, Token, and you'll regret it for the rest of your life! Christians have a built-in audience of over 180 million Americans! If each one of them buys just one of our albums at $12.95, that would be... [points to Butters]
  Butters: [after the briefest of pauses] $2,331,000,000.
  Cartman: Still want to leave, Token? [Token sets down his amplifier and returns to his previous spot on the floor] Thank you.
• Stop Being Stereotypical and Boomerang Bigotry collide in hilarious fashion when Kyle asks his parents for money to buy CDs to listen to for inspiration for his, Stan, and Kenny's band, MOOP:
  [the Broflovski living room; Gerald is reading and Sheila is knitting as Kyle walks up]
  Kyle: Dad, can I borrow $300? [Gerald and Sheila stop what they are doing in shock]
  Gerald: $300!? What in the world for?!
  Kyle: Our band can't find a stylistic direction to go in. We need to go down to the mall to buy hundreds of CDs to listen to so we can define our sound!
  Gerald: [exchanges a look with Sheila] Sorry, Kyle, we gave you your allowance already.
  Kyle: Ugh - can't you see this is my dream? Music is my life!
  Gerald: [goes back to his book] It wasn't your life yesterday.
  Kyle: [as sentimental piano music plays in the background] Look, Pops, I've got the music inside me. It's in my soul. And I know my place is up on that stage. I'm gonna make it to the top, and I just want your blessing, Pops.
  Gerald: [not looking up from his book] The answer is no, Kyle. [the Background Music cuts off]
  Kyle: Aw, come on, Dad, don't be such a Jew!
  Sheila: KYLE! Don't belittle your own people!
  [Kyle grumbles and stomps off as the doorbell rings]
• In a parody of the outcry over the rise in music piracy in the mid-2000s, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny decide to download MP3s for free to get inspiration for their band. Within seconds, the FBI storm the Broflovski house and drag the boys away. The cherry on the sundae is Gerald sounding more annoyed than horrified when he says, "Kyle, what did you do!?"
• Cartman, Butters, and Token go to Christ-fest, a combination revival meeting/music festival, to sell Faith Plus One CDs. They succeed in attracting a customer, but Butters almost sabotages the sale:
  Butters: Heh, we're not really Christians, we're just pretendin' we are. [Cartman shoots him a Death Glare; the customer looks perturbed, but takes the CD with her anyway]
  Cartman: Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off.
• To protest music piracy, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny go on strike and refuse to play. Channel 4 News report on the story:
  Reporter: Tom, we're now entering the second day of the rock band MOOP's refusal to play, and the second day of absolutely no other news to report on. In a recent poll, we asked people if MOOP's refusal to play would stop them from downloading music off the Internet; 1% said "Yes", 2% said "No", and the other 97% said "Who the hell is MOOP?" Back to you, Tom.
• After the CEO and executives of Faith Records ask Cartman if his band is truly in it for God and not for the money.
  Cartman: I resent that, sir! I have never in my life done anything just for the money! If I'm lying may the Lord strike me down right now.
  [Cue Butters and Token looking up at the sky in fear and Butters backing away.]
• Faith Plus One sell a million copies of their album, so Kyle has to pay the $10 Cartman bet him that he would be the first of the two to get a platinum album... until it emerges that Christian rock albums are certified frankincense and myrrh after they surpass gold, so the album can never go platinum.
• When Cartman angrily calls Token a "black asshole" after Token chews him out for ruining the myrrh album presentation by saying "FUCK JESUS!" - twice - and driving away their audience, he promptly gets his ass handed to him with a swift, merciless beating. As he's doubled over, wheezing and crying, Butters delivers the coup de grâce:
  Token: Good job, dickhead! You lost the entire audience!
  Cartman: Aw, fuck you, Token, you black asshole!
  [Token snaps and punches Cartman twice, once with each hand, then kicks him to the ground and storms off]
  Stan: [as he, Kyle, and Kenny walk off] Hm. Guess he got what he deserved.
  [Cartman and Butters are alone on stage; Cartman is on all fours, coughing in agony, as Butters fidgets nervously. Finally, he walks over to Cartman and farts in his face]
  Butters: [Flipping the Bird] Fuck you, Eric. [leaves as "The Body of Christ" starts up and plays over the end credits]

Grey Dawn

• Cartman's plan to defeat the elderly militants, which involves Kyle committing suicide. Stan promptly suggests a much simpler option. In fact, any time Cartman makes references to or tries to kill somebody, just because it is so unexpected.
• The various horror spoofs involving elderly drivers.

Casa Bonita

• Butters trying to re-start society (which might have been a little more adorable than funny), along with Cartman's Villainous Breakdown at the end.
• Cartman's attempts at being nice to Kyle. It does not go well.
  Kyle: That's not being nice. That's wearing a nice sweater!
  Cartman: ...I don't understand the difference.
  Kyle: I know you don't.
  • Another attempt consists of Jimmy teaching Cartman to tell jokes, which ends with Cartman getting impatient and punches Jimmy unconscious, then pretends Jimmy had insulted Kyle. Kyle doesn't buy it for a second.
• After his scheme is exposed right as the boys are arriving at Casa Bonita, Cartman runs through the entire restauarant in a desperate attempt at enjoying it before the cops catch him. He eats someone elses food, poses for a photo, dances with the band and watches the cliffdivers before the police corners him on top of the waterfall and he jumps to get away. He still thinks it was Worth It, even as he's going to spend a month in juvenile hall for what he did.

All About Mormons

• Joseph Smith was called a prophet, dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.
• At one point, after Martin Harris tells his wife about Smith translating the golden plates:
  Lucy Harris: Martin, how do you know he isn't just making stuff up, and pretending he's translating off golden plates?
  Chorus: Lucy Harris smart smart smart, smart smart smart smart smart.
  Martin Harris: Why would make it up?
  Chorus: Martin Harris dumb de-dumb.
• Cartman's response to Gary Harrison Jr. calling Stan out on belittling the Mormon religion.
  Cartman: Damn, that kid is cool.
• After declaring that he'll kick Mr. Harrison's ass, Randy makes sure he's white.

Raisins

• Stan using Jimmy as a go-between for himself and Wendy, and having Jimmy tell Wendy that she was a "continuing source of inspiration". Guess which syllable Jimmy kept stuttering on...
• Bebe's advice to Stan on getting Wendy back is to stand outside her window with a boombox and play Peter Gabriel. Stan does just that...except instead of playing "In Your Eyes", he plays "Shock the Monkey".

It's Christmas in Canada

• The Mayor asks how the community can help out Kyle's family after Ike was taken by his biological parents. Mr. Garrison suggests getting rid of all the Mexicans like he did in "Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo."
  Mr. Garrison: How about we get rid of all the Mexicans?
  Mayor: Mr. Garrison, every Christmas you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans and every Christmas we tell you NO.
  Mr. Garrison: Rats.
• Towards the end of the episode, Cartman makes good on his promise that he's going to fight Kyle if the boys failed to make it back to South Park in time for Christmas. Kyle's response is to give him a mild slap, which reduces Cartman to tears and calling for his mom.
  • Even Ike, who is a literal baby, looks surprised at Cartmans childish behavior.
  • Oh, and during the Christmas parade at the end, Cartman is covering his nose, like he got hit on it. Kyle hit his cheek!

Season 8

Good Times with Weapons

• To convince Roger, the knife seller at the Park County Fair, to sell them ninja weapons, the boys pretend to be orphaned brothers when he tells them they need parental permission to buy bladed weapons. One by one, they burst into Crocodile Tears over their supposedly dead parents, and the flustered Roger agrees to pack up the weapons. As he leaves, the boys stop crying immediately, followed by the icing on the cake:
  Stan: God damn, that's like the twelfth time that's worked.
• The fact that the boys still have their normal high-pitched voices even while they look like adult ninja.
• The argument about Cartman/Bulrog constantly making up new powers for himself, which ends with him getting all of his powers being taken away.
  Kyle: God damn it, Cartman, you can't keep making up powers!
  Stan: Yeah dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with.
  Cartman: I am Bulrog, and I have lots and lots of powers.
  Kyle: No asshole! From now on, you only get to have one power. So what is it?
  [Beat]
  Cartman: I have the power to have all the powers I want.
• Cartman/Bulrog prepares to engage Butters/Professor Chaos in combat, when he remembers Kyle/Bounaku took his powers away. He gets Kyle to give them back... and promptly turns Kyle into a chicken.
  Kyle: God damn it, Cartman!
  Cartman: Ha ha ha ha ha-ha, now you are a chi-cken, nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh-nyeh.
• The Engrish-filled "Let's Fighting Love" song:
  HEY HEY LET'S GO KENKA SURU! TAISETSU NA MONO PROTECT MY BALLS!
• Cartman does not get to pull a Karma Houdini, since Kyle jumps on the bandwagon about his public nudity... since it helped the adults conveniently forget that all the boys had bought weaponry, and Butters had a throwing-star in his eye for most of the episode.

Up The Down Steroid

• Timmy trying to tell Mr. Mackey about Jimmy's steroid addiction.
• Cartmans training montage where he teaches himself how to act mentally disabled. If he put that kind of energy into actual exercise, he might not have been completely outclassed in the competitions.
  • Part of his training is studying a recording of Kid Rock.
  • Cartman's embarassing performance at the Special Olympics, since all the other contestants are actual athletes, disabled or not, and he's an untrained fatass.

The Passion of the Jew

• Cartman has seen The Passion of the Christ 34 times. Kyle sees it once and is so sickened by the scenes of Christ being tortured and crucified that he vomits and has a crisis of faith. Stan and Kenny decide that since so many people are seeing the film, they should see it too, but their reaction is... different:
  [the Bijou; Stan and Kenny are part of an audience of ten. We hear whips cracking and Christ screaming in agony, then as he dies, the soundtrack shifts to a One-Woman Wail, after which the lights go up and the other eight patrons leave, all of them looking lost in thought]
  Stan: [after a few seconds' silence] Dude... that movie sucked.
  Kenny: (Yeah! Totally sucked!)
  Stan: How do they even call that a movie!?
  Kenny: (I dunno!)
  Stan: That's bullcrap, dude. Let's go get our money back.
  Kenny: (Yeah!) [he leaves with Stan]
• Stan and Kenny start by trying to get their money back from the ticket seller directly:
  Stan: Hey, we want our money back.
  Ticket seller: Huh?
  Stan: That movie sucked ass. Give us back our $18.
  Ticket seller: I can't refund your money, you sat through the whole movie.
  Stan: That wasn't a movie, that was a snuff film!
  Kenny: (Yeah!)
  Stan: You can't charge people to watch a guy get tortured for two hours.
  Ticket seller: That "guy" happens to be Jesus. And he went through all that to pay for your sins!
  Stan: We go to church to learn that stuff! We go to movies to be entertained! We weren't entertained and we want our money back!
  Ticket seller: I'm not allowed to give you your money back after you sat through the whole movie! You'd have to take your complaint up with the film's producer.
  Stan: With what, Mel Gibson? You're saying we have to get our money back from Mel Gibson?
  Ticket seller: Yeah, I'd like to see you try!
  Stan: Oh, we will! This is America, and in America, if something sucks, you're supposed to be able to get your money back!
• After a quick web search, Stan and Kenny call the president of Mel Gibson's fanclub to get their money back, but Stan and the president start arguing - then Stan notices the voice on the phone sounds familiar...
  Cartman: [answering phone] Mel Gibson's The Passion fan club!
  Stan: Hi, uh, my friend and I just went to see The Passion.
  Cartman: [writing on a clipboard] Uh-huh. So you want to join the fan club now. Our first meeting is tomorrow at 5:30pm.
  Stan: No no no, no. We want our money back.
  Cartman: ... what?
  Stan: We think the movie sucked and we want Mel Gibson to give us back our $18. Do you know how we can get in touch with him?
  Cartman: You thought it sucked?! Sir, apparently you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do. He was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew. It has made people the world over open their eyes.
  Stan: Look, kid, we just thought it was a bad movie, so tell us how to get in touch with Mel Gibson so we can get our money back!
  Cartman: If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment, sir. All I know is he lives somewhere in Malibu. Now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick.
  Stan: Hey, don't take that tone with me, kid, I'll kick your ass!
  Cartman: Oh yeah? I'd like to see you try, asshole! [throws down his clipboard] I'm like six feet tall!
  Stan: I don't care, you sound like a little bitch to me!
  Cartman: Bitch, don't you call me "bitch", I'll pop yo' fuckin' head open!
  Stan: Yeah, you wanna bring it, you little pussy!?
  Cartman: I already brought it, bitch! I brought it, set it down on the table, and opened it, bitch!
  Stan: Wait a minute... Cartman?!
  Cartman: Oop... [hangs up and tiptoes away from the phone]
• They finally pay for a pair of bus tickets to reclaim the $18 because It's the Principle of the Thing, just like that time they demanded refunds for Baseketball.
• Stan and Kenny going to Mel Gibson's place to get their money back, culminating in a Shout-Out to Yankee Doodle Daffy.

AWESOM-O

• Cartman discovers one of the many downsides of having to keep up the AWESOM-O charade:
  Cartman: [to himself as Butters sings and brushes his teeth] Ugh, Jesus Christ, I can't go on like this! [aloud, robotic monotone] BUTTERS, REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID YOU HAD A VIDEO OF ERIC CARTMAN DRESSED LIKE BRITNEY SPEARS.
  Butters: [getting something out of the medicine cabinet] Oh. Yeah?
  Cartman: I WOULD LIKE TO SEE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE SO I CAN... BEAT HIM UP FOR YOU. MAY I SEE THE VIDEO?
  Butters: [holding a box labelled "Vitol suppositories"] Aw, you don't need to do that, AWESOM-O. Hey, I gotta put in my suppository, can you help me? [takes a suppository out of the box]
  Cartman: ... WHAT?
  Butters: Remember, I said I had to put that medicinal suppository in my anus? [peels off the foil backing] It'll be so much easier having you do it from now on!
  Cartman: UM... ACTUALLY... AWESOM-O IS NOT PROGRAMMED FOR THAT FUNCTION.
  Butters: Ha, it's real easy, I'll show you! You just take this little thingy, outta the plastic p-paper, [hands the suppository to AWESOM-O] and then, I'll, I'll pull down my pants, [does so, backside toward Cartman] just slide it up in my anus there!
  Cartman: ... NO WAY.
  Butters: AWESOM-O, I thought you were programmed to do whatever I tell you.
  Cartman: ... WEAK. [shoves the suppository up Butters' rectum]
  Butters: Y-yeah, that- that's pretty good. Get it up there good and deep!
  Cartman: LAME!
• The next morning, Cartman wakes up before Butters and turns his room upside-down in search of the video of his Britney Spears impersonation. Butters wakes up and catches him in the act... and gives him a spanking as punishment.
• Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are in on the charade, and show up at the Stotch house to demand an explanation from Cartman as to why he's still pretending to be a robot. Unable to admit the truth, he simply says he has something planned, and urges them to play along as Butters returns:
  Butters: Oh, hey fellas! I see you've met my robot!
  Stan: Uh, yeah, Butters, he's real cool.
  Butters: He sure is! We do everything together! Last night we even had a slumber party!
  [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look at Cartman in shock]
  Cartman: [robotic monotone] ... WEAK.
• When Butters orders AWESOM-O to get Sunny Delight for Stan, Kyle and Kenny...
  Kyle: Oh wait. Hey AWESOM-O, I'd also like some celery sticks chopped up two inches long, with peanut butter and raisins on top.
  Cartman: [robotic monotone] ...SUCK MY BALLS, KYLE.
  Butters: He's made in Japan!
• Butters insists on taking AWESOM-O to Los Angeles to visit his Aunt Nellie and Uncle Bud. By the time they arrive, Cartman is so insane with hunger that he makes an excuse to duck into the bathroom, where he removes his cardboard robot head and grabs the most edible thing he can find: a tube of toothpaste, which he squirts into his hand and devours before putting the end of the tube straight in his mouth.
• Cartman's much deserved Humiliation Conga for trying to pry into Butters' secrets in order to further humiliate him at school:
  • He ends up being mistaken for a "pleasure robot" by one of Catamount Pictures' producers.
    Cartman: LAME! (Runs out of the studio's boardroom) NOT COOL! TOTALLY LAME!
  • He's taken away by the Military, who thinks he's an actual robot, and is about to be experimented on and dismantled.
  • After Butters breaks into the Military base and stops them from hurting Cartman, the latter ends up farting, making the tear-jerking moment incredibly awkward... especially since it gives away his identity and his plans, leading Butters to take off Cartman's helmet and reveal who AWESOM-O really is.
    General: Hey, wait a minute. D-did that robot just fart?
    Butters: Hey, robots don't fart!
    Cartman: UH, NOW ENDING FART SEQUENCE.
    General: Ugh, and i-it smells, too!
    Cartman: SMELL SEQUENCE INITIATED.
    Black Official: A robot with smelly farts? That doesn't make any sense!
    Butters: Hang on a second here! (Reaches for AWESOM-O's helmet and removes it. The military is taken aback at who they see.)
  • And the end of it all, Butters makes good on his plan to get back at Cartman earlier in the episode (which ruined Cartman's plan in the first place) and shows everyone Cartman's hilarious video of him dressing up like Britney Spears and pretending to be her while dancing with a Justin Timberlake cardboard cut-out singing about the latter touching the former's body, which has all of South Park, Catamount Pictures, AND the Military laughing at the Fat Bastard!
    General: (laughing with everyone else) Wow, kid, you're a little faggot!
    Cartman: ...Lame.

Goobacks

• We have the argument between Darryl Weathers and a liberal douche on Bill O'Reilly.
  Bill O'Reilly: Welcome, welcome to the No-Spin Zone, alright? And what we're talkin' about today are the immigrants from the future. Alright? Now, most people are more than happy to give a helping hand to these people who obviously need it, alright? But others are starting to say that the time portal should be closed off. Alright? Now, I've got two guests with me tonight who have opposing views on the matter. On my right is pissed-off, white-trash, redneck conservative.
  Darryl Weathers: Thanks for having me, Bill.
  Bill O'Reilly: And on my left is aging, hippie, liberal douche.
  Liberal douche: Hello.
  Bill O'Reilly: Now, pissed-off redneck, you say we shouldn't allow anyone else through the time portal, alright?
  Darryl Weathers: You're Goddamned right! These people from the future are takin' all the work away from us decent present-day Americans! They took our jobs!
  Redneck spectator: They took our jobs!
  Darryl Weathers: Those jobs belong to people from the present!
  Bill O'Reilly: Alright. What say you, aging hippie liberal douche?
  Liberal douche: Heh, it's typical for conservatives rednecks like these to view the immigrants as the problem, heh, but really, the problem is America. It is our greedy multinational corporations that keep everyone else in poverty. Your ancestors came to America as immigrants. What right do you have to turn these people away?
  Bill O'Reilly: Alright, redneck, your rebuttal?
  (Beat)
  Darryl Weathers: THEY TOOK OUR JOBS!
  Redneck spectator: They took our jobs!
  Another redneck: DURRKA-DURRR!

Douche and Turd

• The death of all of the PETA members at the hands of a pissed off Diddy and his crew. While the members try to defend the animals that they've cared for and mated with... the animals themselves don't even acknowledge what is going on. In fact, the only ones that do are a dog that urinates on a human who defended him and the goat they took as their leader eating one guy's brains.
• The debate between the giant douche and the turd sandwich (moderated by Jim Lehrer).
  Lehrer: Welcome to the cable-access televised debate between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. We'll start with Giant Douche. Sir, some students and parents are reluctant to have a giant douche represent them. What do you say to those people?
  Douche: Jim, first of all I would like to thank you for monitoring this debate. And I would like to thank all of the students and their parents for coming.
  Cartman: Aww, suck-up, suck-up! (someone shushes him) What?! That's an obvious suck-up move.
  Douche: But I would hope that those students and their parents who question my qualities would simply look at my opponent. He is a turd sandwich.
  Turd Sandwich: You're a turd sandwich.
  Douche: No, sir, if you'll pardon me, you are in fact, the turd sandwich.
  Turd Sandwich: You're a turd sandwich.
  Douche: Sir, you are a turd sandwich.
  Turd Sandwich: You're a turd sandwich.
  Lehrer: Turd Sandwich, I will ask you not to speak out of turn.
  Turd Sandwich: I'm sorry, Jim.
  Douche: Anyway, as I was saying, ahh... wait, I forgot what I was saying.
  Turd Sandwich: Ha. What a douche.
  Lehrer: All right, Turd Sandwich, this next question is for you. How should South Park Elementary enforce its laws of conduct for young athletes during sporting events?
  Turd Sandwich: (long pause) Uh, you know, uh, my opponent wouldn't even know the answer to that question. If you ask him the same question, he would not answer it. He would stand around and just babble on and on about nothing until he was finally saved by the buzze- (the buzzer sounds)
  Lehrer: Your time is up, Turd.

Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes

• Wall-Mart reveals its true form..... and craps its pants in the process.
  Wall Mart: [stomps around in a rampage] WAH, HAH, HAH, HAH!!! NOW YOU SEE ME AS I TRULY AM, BWAH, HAH, HAH, HAH!!!!

Pre-School

• The class bully of the boys' pre-school years, Trent Boyett, is out of juvenile hall after a five-year sentence for arson, which resulted in their teacher, Miss Claridge, getting severe burns all over her body; since he only set the fire at Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny's insistence, while Butters witnessed the exchange but didn't speak up in Trent's defence, he comes after all five of them, seeking revenge. He finds Butters first and puts him in the hospital, heightening the other four boys' panic over what he might do to them. As they leave Butters' hospital room, we get this classic exchange:
  Cartman: [sotto voce] We've got to tell them who did this, you guys! We're gonna get it as bad as Butters!
  Kyle: That's nothing compared to what my mom will do to me if she finds out I've been lying for five years!
  Cartman: Maybe you didn't hear so good in there, Kyle - [holds up two fingers with one hand and makes a pinching gesture with the other] second degree titty twister!
  Stan: [sotto voce] Calm down, you guys, we don't have to go tell our parents. We just need to go out and get some protection.
  Cartman: [yelling] How the hell are condoms gonna help us!? [Stephen, Linda, and Butters' doctor look at them in confusion; Cartman gives them an embarrassed smile] Sorry... heh, never mind, heh...
• Stan's idea of "protection" is to recruit sixth-grade bullies as bodyguards. But their protection comes at a price: a picture of Sharon Marsh's breasts. The boys try a rehearsal with Cartman as Sharon, but Stan can't get into character:
  Stan: This is hopeless!
  Kyle: Why don't you just sneak in your mom's closet and get a picture when she's changing clothes?
  Stan: That's sick, dude! I'm not taking a picture of my mom's boobs!
  Kenny: [eagerly] (I'll do it!)
  Stan: No, you're not doing it either!
• So they move to Plan B: take a picture of something that looks like female breasts. Namely, Cartman's ass with nipples drawn on the cheeks. They use Madonna's Sex as a visual reference. And it works... rather too well, as the sixth graders queue up for three minutes in the bushes alone with the picture.
  Stan: ...Dude, are we gonna be like that some day?
  Kyle: Nah.
• At the end of the episode, Trent is once again in the wrong place at the wrong time when Cartman's careless taser use leads to Miss Claridge's wheelchair being ignited, and, having learned nothing, the boys throw him under the bus again. Cartman then makes the mistake of mooning Trent as he is driven away by the police... just in time for the (heavily bandaged) sixth graders to see the nipples still drawn on his ass and cart him off for a few minutes alone in the bushes.

Quest For Ratings

• The six kid reporters are moping at Whistlin' Willy's after Mr. Meryl threatens to cancel their show over its low ratings. Whistlin' Willy walks up to their table and begins whistling, and Cartman tells him to fuck off. Undeterred, Willy tells them they'll have to whistle if they want their pizza, so the boys, still scowling, do the most half-hearted whistling imaginable until Willy sets down their pizza.
  Cartman: God, I wish we had a Pizza Hut in South Park.
• While thinking of new ideas for their news show before it gets cancelled, the kid reporters sit around trying to think of something, anything, but all there is is silence...
  Butters: I know! We should read the funnies! [hops off his chair and goes to a table, on which sits the Sunday Funnies] I always get good ideas from the funnies.
  Cartman: [his face buried in his hands] Butters, only gay little dweebs read the funnies!
  Butters: Yeah! I read 'em all the time! Uh here's one: the uh, snail tripped over a hurdle, and the other snail says "Well that's gonna add another hour to his time." [laughs] Yeah! You guys! [gets no reaction from the other boys] Heh.
  Cartman: [in a very quick and casual manner] How about we do a show where we kill Butters?
• Then shortly afterwards, the entire cough-medicine experience:
  [Jimmy uncaps and chugs a bottle of cough syrup as Kyle hands notepads and pencils to the others]
  Kyle: All right. Now everyone take a tablet and a pencil. And when all the ideas start coming, just write 'em down. We might not remember everything otherwise!
  Butters: [as Jimmy hands him a bottle] Oh boy! I can't wait to be all creative and smart! [chugs directly from the bottle] Oh. It's all thick and g-gooey.
  Cartman: [tapping his pad with his pencil] Huh. I don't have any ideas yet.
  [Stan's eyes have glazed over and he looks stupefied]
  Kyle: Stan? [From Stan's point of view, the whole world changes. Kyle now has a wolf head with yellow eyes.] Dude, Stan, you all right?
  Jimmy: [appears as a yellow figure with multi-colored polka dots all over his body] I think maybe he's f-feeling it.
  Cartman: [appears as a blob with echoing voice] Stan, are you getting good ideas? [Stan continues staring off into space]
  Butters: Whoa... [alternately stretches out his left and right hands] I'm feeling kind of bowling-ballish, fellas.
  [Stan begins his head trip. He sees a tunnel with yellow light, then a flash of plasma, then an animated Mandelbrot design, then a prize-winning dog on a pedestal. A bell sounds. Next, a tunnel with blue light, which ends up at a performance of some sort, a time-lapse shot of rolling clouds, another Mandelbrot animation accompanied by jingling bells, a running shot of a meadow with a dog barking in the background, then a wide-angle view of the boys]
  Cartman: [with altered voice] Stan? Stan, come on. We're gonna go find a frog. [smiles, turns around and walks away]
  [Stan then sees time-lapse footage of a ride through a city, then blooming flowers accompanied by the "This number is no longer in service" three-tone sequence, then time-lapse footage of the reporters walking around the valley, then some weird graphics, then Cartman in degraded colors. Cartman and Kyle speak to him in weird altered voices]
  Cartman: Oh dude, I just got the best idea.
  Kyle: Me too. [they quickly write their ideas down in their notepads]
  [Stan then sees an imploding building as an emergency siren sounds, then some dancing African women as crowds cheer, an explosion in another building as a different siren sounds, and a zoom-pan shot of an African dancer as more crowds cheer. Next he sees himself and the boys on a sidewalk in downtown. Butters talks to him in the same altered voice the other voice have spoken to him in]
  Butters: Hey! Let's run naked through the street! [Butters rips off his clothes and wig and runs away happily. Kyle, Token, Jimmy, and Cartman stand around with goofy grins on their faces doing nothing as the windows on nearby buildings keep stretching and compressing]
• And to top it all off, the boys are back in the news room, relaxing and still high on their cough medicine Mushroom Samba... while watching Craig's show, the one that stole their show's ratings: "Animals Close-Up With a Wide-Angle Lens Wearing Hats".
• The next morning, Cartman reads his "idea": "Squiggly line, circle." Kyle's "idea" turns out to be the complete lyrics to the Happy Days theme song.
• The boys decide to air an exposé of South Park Elementary's cough syrup addiction, with commentary by Cartman, Kyle, Token, and Stan, while Jimmy confronts Principal Victoria over the administration's inaction. And Butters... is still on the celebrity beat outside the school, reporting that he still hasn't seen any celebrities.

Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset

• This gem:
  Bebe: Please, you don't want to go to this party, Wendy. We're going to invite all the boys and we're gonna play Spin the Bottle and Two Minutes in the Closet and do ketamine!
  Wendy: That's okay!
  Annie: Oh, please, do you even know what ketamine is?
  Wendy: Yes!
  Annie: See, you are too smart!
  Red: Yeah, we have no idea what ketamine is!
• When the girls start inviting the boys who pass by them to Bebe's party, Cartman tries to get invited himself, only to get no response from the girls. Cue Cartman's heartbroken tantrum of telling off and flipping off the girls.
  Cartman: (Imitating a girl's voice) Ooh, there's Cartman, we should invite him to the party for sure. (Beat) Fuck you, Millie! Fuck you, Annie! Fuck you, Bebe! Fuck you, whatever your name is! And fuck you, bitch!
• The fact that the girls are chasing after the boys at Bebe's party even when the boys are clearly uncomfortable is hilarious in itself.
  Millie: Okay, that's two minutes! You can come out now, Clyde and Beth! (The girls cheer) How was he, Beth?
  Beth: We had a great time, didn't we Clyde?
  Clyde: (Groans while rubbing his backside) Owwie.... Owwie....
• Butters is dressed in a bear costume by Paris Hilton when she wants to buy Butters as her new pet. When he pleads with his parents not to be sold to Paris Hilton, Mr. Stotch tells him to go dig for coal. At the end of the episode, it leads to this exchange:
  Butters: I'm a bad bear.
  Stephen: You're a grounded old bear.
• Paris Hilton and Mr. Slave have a "Whore-off", which ends with Mr. Slave jumping on Paris and shoving her up his rectum. Paris then meets the Frog King, who tells her the exact words he gave Lemmiwinks in Season 6.

Cartman's Incredible Gift

• When Kyle arrives just in time to see Cartman's flying attempt.
  Kyle: What's going on?
  Stan: Cartman thinks he can fly off of his roof.
  (Beat)
  Kyle: Do it! Do it!
  Cartman: I'm gonna!
  Craig: I wouldn't if I were you.
  Token: Those wings don't look very strong.
  Kyle: Don't listen to 'em, Cartman! I'm sure it'll work! Go for it! Yaaay, Cartman! Fly, fly fly!
• Possibly the funniest line ever.
  Doctor: (to Liane) I'm afraid your son is... incredibly stupid.
• When Cartman is confronted by Kyle at school about his supposed psychic powers, Cartman proceeds to make Kyle's head explode with a single thought by spreading his arm out, and making movie SFX sounds with his voice, which sends nearly everyone behind Kyle running.
  • Later, when Cartman meets the group of other psychic detectives, they point out that Cartman cannot claim to be a psychic, because he didn't fill out the form on the back of the comic book and pay the twenty-five dollar fee for the degree from the Psychic Detective School.
  • and Cartman's response to the fee and the 10% of his earnings he is supposed to give to the psychics?
  Cartman: [laughs at them] Ten percent, my balls, get lost!
  • They then proceed to have a "Psychic Battle" with Eric, which consists of spreading themselves out, each in a random "psychic-blasting" pose and making movie SFX sounds just like Cartman.
  • This later comes back to bite one of them in the ass, as in response to the psychics bringing a class-action lawsuit against him, Cartman cancels the next-day judge meeting by 'visioning' the psychics under suspicion of being the next line of copycat killers. As they are being arrested, Roger the orange haired psychic tries to 'psychic blast' the armed cops surrounding him (after threatening them not to make him do it) and he's effortlessly mowed down by a hail of bullets.
• The Left Hand Killer duct-taping Cartman to a chair and forcing him to watch... a slideshow of his vacation photos.^note This is a shout-out to a far less wholesome scene in Red Dragon. After a few minutes, Cartman is screaming for mercy because he's so bored.

Woodland Critter Christmas

• When Stan discovers that the Woodland Critters are Satanists, Deery explains why Porcupiney would give birth to the Antichrist instead of the son of God.
  Deery: Well, think about it. You really think God would have sex with a porcupine?
• Stan's failed attempt to defy a Gilligan Cut.
  Narrator: So he picked up the cubs and down the mountain he stormed. And took them to where abortions are performed.
  Stan: No, he didn't.
  Narrator: Yes, he did.
  Stan: No, he didn't!
  Narrator: Yes, he did.
  Stan: No, he didn't!
  Narrator: Yes. He. (cut to Stan in an abortion clinic) DID!
  Stan: Oh, god damn it!
• The Reveal where the story turns out to be narrated by Cartman for class. It's set up by Kyle wanting the Antichrist inside him because he wants to make the world a better place for Jews. The real Kyle interrupts Cartman when the story has Kyle laughing demonically with the Antichrist inside him.
• Cartman assures Kyle that he won't be killed by Santa Claus. The last line has Kyle dying of AIDS two weeks later instead.
  Kyle: God dammit, Cartman!
• Stan's complete lack of interest for what is going on, and often shown having a bored and deadpan expression when the Narrator says Stan was smiling.
  • The real Stan is actually as invested in the story as the rest of the class.

Season 9

Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina

• The police officer taking the boys' statement, which summarizes everything that happened in the episode.
  Officer: So let me get this straight. That woman was trying to get her balls, which were in the knees of a black child, whose father is a dolphin.
  Stan: Yeah, that's basically it.
  Cop: Sounds like an OpenAndShutCase. Alright, let's head 'em out!

Die Hippie, Die

• How Cartman keeps the hippies in his basement compliant: throws them a handful of joints and a guitar.
• Officer Barbrady's hilariously failed attempt to explain to Cartman why he was arrested.
  Cartman: What did I do?
  Officer Barbrady: You can't kidnap people and lock them in your basement.
  Cartman: They're not people, they're hippies!
  Officer Barbrady: ...
• The drill machine just plowing into the crowd with no reaction from anyone.

Wing

• One of the very few occasions where a woman getting punched looks funny.
• The fact that Colorado's most beautiful women are actually quite plain.
• Cartman tries to look professional by answering a phone call from...Abraham Lincoln.
• Sylvester Stallone requires a translator because his iconic slurring has degenerated so much he's become The Unintelligible.
• During the gunfight against the Chinese gangsters, Cartman sprays bullets all over the room because he's not strong enough to control the recoil of the rifle he's using.

The Losing Edge

• The entire subplot which revolves around Randy getting in fights at his son's little league game
  Randy: (while getting dragged away by the police) What? Is this America? Is this some communist country? I thought this was America. I'm sorry.
• The fact that Kenny spends the entire episode without his hood on, yet no one draws attention to it and he doesn't get any lines.
• Cartman arguing with the umpire whenever he makes a call in favor of the South Park team:
  Cartman: That was no strike! That was a terrible pitch! You need some goddamn laser eye surgery!
• "We're going dooooowwwwn! We're gonna get creeeeaaaaaamed!"
• Randy Marsh Vs Bat-Dad. Especially when Bat-Dad tries to finish off Randy after throwing him off the bleachers by jumping on top of him, only for his trunks to fall down around his ankles, leading to him missing completely and almost breaking his neck.

The Death of Eric Cartman

• Kenny breaking down crying because Cartman ate all the skin on KFC chicken due to how Kenny never cries unless it's part of some scheme of the boys like in Good Times With Weapons.
• The last line in Cartman's "make it right" song.
• Cartman trying to stop the crime at the Red Cross.
• "I'm not going to Hell, Butters. I'm not black."
• The twice-done gag of Cartman pretending to fade away, but since he's not really dead he's just walking backwards and waving his hands in the air:
  Cartman: Yes, Butters, my soul is finally at peace. It's time for me to leave. Goodbye Butters! Thanks for all your help! Be good and be safe.
  Cartman: Goodbye Butters. I must be going now. I'll be looking down on you from time to time. Have a long, fulfilling life, Butters! Goodbyyye!

Erection Day

• Every time Jimmy gets an erection, a little jingle plays like a bell ringing.
• Jimmy's nightmare about getting a HUGE erection during his performance in the talent show, shocking a kindergarten girl and causing everyone else in the audience to laugh at him.
  Mrs. Garrison: Don't worry, Jimmy, we're not laughing with you. We're laughing at you.
  • After Jimmy wakes up from his nightmare, he punches his crotch to stop himself from getting erections. Needless to say, it hurts like HELL.
• When Jimmy asks Butters for advice on how to stop getting random erections, Butters explains it in a way only a Cheerful Child like him would say:
  Butters: ...so the man sticks his penis in the lady's vagina. Then the man's penis sneezes inside the vagina and the man loses interest in the lady."
• When Jimmy's date with Shauna goes well (thanks to Cartman coaching Jimmy throughout the whole night), Jimmy suddenly flubs it up in one fell swoop:
  Jimmy: Wow, I'm so glad that you feel that way, because I really need to stick my penis in your vagina.
• The Goth kids song, Talent Shows are for Fags.
• Butters' "performance", in which he tries to sing his "Loo-loo-loo" song, but gets stage fright, and pees his pants.
  Mrs. Garrison: Very nice Butters, short and sweet. [grabs a cloth and mops up the puddle]
• Cartman's performance is little more than him doing his Tony Montana impersonation.

Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow

• This episode ends with Stan confessing to breaking the dam, only to be followed by everyone saying "I broke the dam" like it means something. Stan occasionally butts in explaining the situation before he can't take it anymore and says "Ah, fuck it!".
• Cartman's suspicions about Jews are right for once.
• The population of South Park running away from global warming. Thing is, they're running away from... nothing at all.

Marjorine

• The entire A-plot of the episode is hilarious in itself: The boys believe that the girls have a device that shows them the future, when in reality, it's just a cootie catcher the girls made out of notebook paper. Apparently, the boys can't tell the difference between a cootie catcher and an actual future-telling device, but they can make a genuine containment center just like the ones HAZMAT teams use to contain and quarantine any deadly specimens. The boys then try to steal it from the girls by sending one of them disguised as a girl to infiltrate Heidi Turner's slumber party and succeed, only for Heidi to ask for a piece of notebook paper so they can make another one.
• When the boys fake Butters's death by throwing down a dead pig, the pig smashes into the pavement, spreading blood and guts everywhere, a medic comes to examine the body (which is barely more than the pig's ribs with some meat attached). His diagnosis?
  Medic: He... didn't make it.
• Butters (as Marjorine) doing his best impression of what he imagines girls are like topped off with Clyde's immediate response.
  Butters/Marjorine: Well, I'm just a typical little girl. I like dancin', and ponies, a-and getting my snootch pounded on Friday nights.
  Clyde: Nice.
• When the boys ultimately decide to blow up the device in the forest so that it cannot be used for evil purposes, Kenny sets it off, causing a huge explosion that destroys the forest on a global scale. You can even see a Distant Reaction Shot of it happening.
  Cartman: Damn, Ken.

Follow That Egg

• This episode has Mrs. Garrison hire the world's best sniper to shoot an egg.
• "Instead of being 'Married', you'll be: BUTT BUDDIES!"
  "What about lesbians?"
  "Well, like anyone cares about fucking dykes!"
• Garrison giving an anti-gay marriage speech. Fag Drag!

Ginger Kids

• Cartman has an infamous presentation about how gingers "creep us out and make us sick to our stomachs". Followed by a series of photos of real ginger kids that Cartman expresses disgust over.
• When the boys decide to knock out Cartman, Kyle gets a little overzealous.
• Cartman's constant side-changing based entirely on whether or not he's a ginger.
• The ginger kids are completely baffled by Cartman's sudden Heel Realization. Though they (correctly) accuse Cartman of changing his mind after Kyle whispers something (that he isn't really a ginger), Cartman tells them that Kyle was just telling him about some unrelated funny thing that happened at school.

Trapped in the Closet

• The whole segment about what Happyologists believe with a disclaimer literally saying: "This is What Scientologists Actually Believe."
• Three times, R. Kelly sings about wanting Tom Cruise to come out of the closet (Stan's closet) and he keeps pulling out his gun at the end of each song he sings.
• Tom Cruise locks himself in Stan's closet because Stan doesn't think he's a fantastic actor and everyone's attempts to get him out from the police to Nicole Kidman to John Travolta (who gets in the closet) to R. Kelly (who also gets in the closet).
  Travolta: Tom, you gotta come outta the closet, ohmagad!

Free Willzyx

• At the beginning, when Kyle walks up to the glass and talks to Jambu, it seems that Jambu is talking back to him, but it's really the Sea Park announcers in their booth speaking over the PA system. When Kyle gathers the other boys in his basement and tells them what he heard, Craig also admits that he believed Jambu talked to him, but never told anybody. When Kyle asks why:
  Craig: Well, I thought I was crazy. He said my dad was gonna sneak into my room naked one night and beat me up.
  (Beat)
  Kyle: Well, you're not crazy. The whale talked to all of us, and he needs our help getting him home.
  Craig: ...So it's true.
• The boys stealing "Willzyx". They all had black paint on their faces except for Token—who, of course, had white paint.
• Brian constantly reassuring Mike about their PA pranks:
  Brian: DON'T YOU SAY THAT! IT WAS FUNNY! IT WAS REALLY FUNNY!
• When the boys are calling various world leaders to see what the asking price is for the use of their space program, Vladimir Putin is initially thrilled, until the boys reveal their reason for calling, at which point Putin thinks it's GW Bush, trolling him again.
• The police sketch of the boys, which is hilariously photo-realistic, though in-series, it's considered too vague.
  Mrs. Donovan: The fat one in the middle... kind of looks like Dakota Fanning.
• At the end, the group of adults who were helping out the kids through the episode only thought they were helping to release the whale into the wild, not that they were trying to get it to the freakin' MOON. When the whale goes into the ocean, everyone starts to celebrate... until a freakin' ROCKET comes out of the ocean with the whale in tow. The adults' reactions were priceless.
  ALF Leader: Oh, my god!
• The image of Willzyx dead on the moon as the credits are rolling and there is no music to end the show.

Bloody Mary

• During the car chase, Randy tried to get around being caught drink-driving, but his first conversation gave himself away.
  Randy: (drunk, after being pulled over) What seems to be the officer, problem?

Season 10

The Return of Chef

• Anything involving the Super Adventure Club:
  "...and he (the founder of the Super Adventure Club) lived for eternity... until he was hit by a train in 1892..."
• Turning stock clips of Chef into sexual propositions. The kids' reactions really sell it.
  [the school cafeteria; Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are in line for lunch, but we overhear a snippet of conversation]
  Boy: It was really weird what he said, I dunno, it kinda confused me...
  Cartman: Ohh boy oh boy, I can't wait to have Chef's lunch food again!
  Kyle: Yeah! I hope he makes his Salisbury steak with buttered noodles!
  Clyde: [walking up with a lunch tray and a troubled look] You guys! You guys!
  Stan: What?
  Clyde: Something's wrong with Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff.
  Kyle: Like what?
  Clyde: I think... I think he wants to have sex with me!
  Stan: [after a few seconds' Stunned Silence] What??
  Clyde: I gotta— I gotta go... [leaves, still looking troubled]
  Kyle: [glares at Clyde] Weirdo. [he and the others smile and head in to get their food]
  [NOTE: In the transcript of Chef's dialogue, speech is in normal font, singing is in italics]
  Chef: Hello there, children!
  Kenny, Cartman, Stan, Kyle: Hey Chef!
  Chef: How's it going?
  Kyle: Good!
  Chef: Well... how 'bout I meet you boys after work and we make love?
  [the boys stare in open-mouthed shock for a few seconds]
  Cartman: Ex-cuse me?...
  Chef: C'mon children! You're my sexual fantasy. Let's all make sweet love.
  Kyle: ... Chef? A-are you okay?
  Chef: I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle.
  Stan: ... Dude, what are you saying!?
  Chef: I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children. [Kyle looks shell-shocked]
  Stan: ... WHAT?!
• Mr. Mackey brings in Detective Jarvis, who is trying to build a case against Chef for child molesting, and uses the traditional anatomical doll to ask if Chef touched the children inappropriately. However, he gets a bit too enthusiastic, repeatedly asking if Chef ever did "this" as he rubs the doll's nipple areas, buzzes his tongue over its crotch ("My Uncle Bud did that to me once!" Butters unwittingly reveals), then puts it over the edge of Mr. Mackey's desk and starts humping it while moaning.
• The Super Adventure Club attempting to use a hypno wheel on the kids.
• Mr. Connolly, the leader of the Super Adventure Club, begins to explain why the club... well, does why it does.
  Cartman: But why do you need Chef?
  Mr. Connolly: We don't "need" him. He needs us! Our club offers hope! You think we would go around the world molesting children just because it feels really, really, really, really good?
• After Mr. Connolly has told the kids about their belief-system:
  Mr. Connolly: Well, now that you know our club's secrets, it appears you leave us no choice... I'm afraid we're going to have to... Ask you to leave! (cue dramatic music)
  (beat)
  Stan: We're not leaving without Chef.
  Mr. Connolly: If you choose not to leave, then I'm afraid we're just going to have to... call security and make you leave. (cue dramatic music)
  • Then later:
    Mr. Connolly: Impossible! I made them leave!
• The Mood Whiplash during Chef's death with the Running Gag from "Something Walmart This Way Comes" returning:
  Cartman: Maybe he's okay...
  [the other kids give him incredulous looks]
  Cartman: No seriously, they say the last thing you do when you die is crap your—
  [Chef's corpse craps his pants]
  Cartman: [glumly] Oh... Never mind...
• The creation of Darth Chef at the end.

Cartoon Wars Part I

• Cartman's rant to Kyle after Kyle tells him that he's like Family Guy.
  "Don't you ever, ever, compare me to Family Guy! You hear me, Kyle?! Compare me to Family Guy again, and so help me, I will kill you where you stand!!
• Mrs. Garrison has to give Muslim sensitivity training, which is basically her saying that the reason why Muslims in the Middle East is because they can't have sex unless they're married, they can't masturbate and they probably have sand in their eyes and buttcrack and if she couldn't have sex, masturbate and had sex in her eyes and buttcrack, she'd be pretty pissed too.

Cartoon Wars Part II

• Kyle and Cartman's slap fight all throughout the Fox studios in Part 2.
• The Stylistic Suck video the terrorists used to get back at Family Guy for showing their prophet. It's a crudely-drawn animation depicting cardboard cutouts of Tom Cruise, George Bush, various Americans and Jesus crapping all over each other and onto the American flag.

Manbearpig

• "Dude, did Cartman just crap out treasure?"
• Al Gore's entire presence.
• Gore always using the word "serial" in place of "serious."
• Gore's description of ManBearPig: Half man, half bear and half pig.

Tsst

• Mrs. Cartman tries to get help from nanny reality shows to get Cartman under control. First he faces Nanny Stella from Nanny 911. Cartman doesn't take her seriously at all.
  Nanny Stella: Whenever you are naughty, Eric, you're going to sit on this stool for five minutes.
  Cartman: (looks around for a bit) ...And what exactly keeps me on the stool?
  Nanny Stella: It's the time-out stool, you can't get down until the time is up.
  (pause, then Cartman jumps off the stool)
  Cartman: (sarcastic) Wow! How did I do that?
  • He finally breaks her with a speech about how she has no kids because no one wanted to have kids with her and that it must be so hard to see her friends getting married and having kids and yet her ovaries are drying up and becoming useless, which makes her storm out.
• Supernanny is then sent to get Cartman under control and whatever Cartman did to her off-screen was bad enough to get her locked up in a mental hospital where she's seen eating her own shit and exclaiming "It's from hell!". The doctor then suggests to Mrs. Cartman to try...
• The Dog Whisperer, aka Cesar Millan, aka the one celebrity South Park never ripped on. His treating Cartman like a disobedient dog and nipping his neck and forcing Cartman to go on a walk with a leash (which has Cartman throwing a massive tantrum and screaming as they walk) and then eating KFC in front of him with Mrs. Cartman. Cartman ends up screaming "GOD DAMMIT, I AM NOT A DOG!" and then acts like a dog begging for food and then running away when he doesn't get what he wants. He then tries to get Stan, Kyle, Butters, Kenny, Jimmy and then Craig to take him in and they all refuse.
  [the Marsh living room; Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kenny are playing Monopoly. They continue to play throughout the following, only half paying attention to Cartman at best]
  Butters: [rolls the dice and moves his token] Oh boy, Park Avenue! I'm rich! [he hands the money to Kyle, who passes it to Stan (acting as banker/dealer) in exchange for the deed to Park Avenue, which he passes back to Butters]
  Cartman: [enters with a backpack] Hey guys. I've got some pretty big news. [sighs] I ran away from home. [Kyle rolls the dice, moves his token to a Community Chest square, and draws a card. He shows it to Stan, who hands him some money from the bank] Yeah. My mom just... doesn't care about me anymore, so I moved out. She didn't even try to stop me. It's gonna be tough living on my own... but I'll get by, somehow.
  Stan: [rolling the dice] You can't stay here.
  Cartman: [Stan moves his token onto one of Kyle's properties; Kyle holds his hand out and Stan pays him rent] Maybe you didn't hear me! I ran away! I don't have anywhere to sleep! I'm out on the street!
  Kyle: You're not staying at my house either.
  Cartman: All right, that's fine! Butters, I'll crash with you.
  Butters: [picking up and sorting through his cash] No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore.
  Cartman: Well, what do you guys expect me to do, stay at Kenny's house!? His family's totally poor, I'm not staying with poor people! [Kenny rolls the dice and moves his token] All right, I'll stay with Kenny. Let's go, man.
  Kenny: (Fuck you.)
  Cartman: [sputters indignantly] Well! I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be! When the chips are down, you won't even lend a hand! I'll just go sleep on the street somewhere! Out in the cold! [Butters rolls the dice with a flourish] Probably get mugged and gang raped by some minorities! [he leaves as Butters moves his token] You guys'll be sorry when I turn up DEAD!
  Butters: Whoopee! G&R Railroad!
  [Jimmy's house; the doorbell rings, and Jimmy hurries over to open the door to reveal Cartman]
  Cartman: Hey Jimmy. You're not gonna believe this, but... I ran away from home. I just... I really need the support of my best friend right now.
  Jimmy: [Beat] Who's your best friend?
  Cartman: You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends! We know everything about each other!
  Jimmy: [Beat] What's my last name?^note  A continuity gag; depending on the episode, the answer could be Swanson or Valmer (the latter has emerged as canon).
  Cartman: [thinks for a moment, then trudges off] God damn it.
  [Craig's house; Cartman knocks on the front door, and Craig opens it]
  Cartman: Craig, dude. I ran away from home. You're the first person I came to. I knew you'd take me in off the streets.
  Craig: But I hate you.
  Cartman: Should that really matter at a time like this?
  [cut to Cartman in an alley between two buildings, sheltering from the rain under newspapers]
• Cartman decides to take drastic measures when his mother starts forcing him to groom himself and dress more smartly. Unfortunately, his prospective accomplices are utterly uninterested in helping:
  [the Broflovski living room; Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Butters are playing a video game as Cartman enters. They continue to play throughout the following, only half paying attention to Cartman at best]
  Cartman: Guys, listen up. I really need your help this time. I've thought about it a lot, and I've decided... I have to kill my mom.
  Butters: Kill your mom?
  Cartman: She doesn't let me wear whatever I want anymore! Things have really gotten out of hand! My mom must die, so I can have a place to live, but without her trying to run my life. She's like Hitler with all the demands she makes!
  Stan: Dude, have you lost more weight?
  Cartman: Yes! I've lost almost ten pounds now! You see what I mean? I totally know how it felt to be a Jew in the Holocaust now. I have to kill my mom. It's my only way out.
  Kyle: Dude, don't kill your mom, that's not cool.
  Cartman: She's Hitler! Would you have killed Hitler if you had the chance? [pulls up a presentation on an easel with pictures of each step of his plan and "FRAME TOKEN!" at the bottom] All right, now here's the plan. At 9:45 tonight, I will sneak out of my room, and leave the house, leaving the back door unlocked. You guys come to the house at 10:30pm sharp, having given me enough time to get down to Perkins to be seen by everyone there. And then all four of you go upstairs to kill my mom.
  Stan: Dude, we're not killing your mom.
  Cartman: Well, I can't kill her, I'm too obvious a suspect! [pointing at the easel again] Now, when you reach her room, Butters will keep a look out, while Kenny opens the bedroom door, Kyle puts a pillow over my mom's head, and Stan shoots her in the face.
  Stan: Where am I supposed to get a gun!?
  Cartman: Well, I don't know, that's your job, Stan, do I have to think of everything here?!
  Stan: I'm not shooting anybody.
  Cartman: Okay, fine, Butters, you cover my mom's head with a pillow and Kyle can shoot her in the face!
  Kyle: No, Cartman!
  Cartman: [impatiently] Oh! Well, how about I just do everything!? How does that sound!? I'll just do everything while you guys sit here and play video games! [the other four ignore him and continue playing their game] FINE! I'LL DO IT BY MYSELF! [storms out]

Make Love, Not Warcraft

• Randy's first time playing World of Warcraft sees him just happily going along in his typical naive way, and then the griefer comes along and immediately kills him in a heartbeat. The whole "what just happened?" look Randy has immediately after this is priceless.
• Cartman's first Rousing Speech to rally his classmates against the griefer is let down by Butters' statement that he only plays Hello Kitty Island Adventure.
  Cartman: All right, you all log in from your computers at precisely 7:30. [pointing at a map of Azeroth] We will meet here, in the Elwynn Forest near Westfall. My friends... [raises his pointer stick] to victory!
  Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Craig, Clyde, Token, Tweek, Jimmy, Kevin, Jason: [raising their fists] To victory!
  Butters: I don't play World of Warcraft.
  Cartman: ... Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time.
  Butters: Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty: Island Adventure.
  [the other kids stare at him. Tweek's eye twitches]
  Cartman: [closing his eyes in exasperation] Butters, go buy World of Warcraft, install it on your computer, and join the online sensation before we all murder you!
  Butters: [chuckles nervously and twiddles his fingers] O-oh, o-oh, a-all right, all right then.
• In the following scene, Butters comes in playing the exact same Dwarf character that Cartman's using, interrupting his second Rousing Speech in the process.
  Cartman: Let us bravely charge the fields of Azeroth! From with-
  [a dwarf looking exactly like Cartman enters the left side of the screen]
  Butters: [as the other dwarf] Hey fellas!
  [Silent pause.]
  Butters: Boy, this is neat-o, huh?
  [Another pause.]
  Cartman: [as his dwarf stares at Butters' dwarf] Butters, what the hell are you doing?
  Butters: I got World of Warcraft like you said.
  [Yet another pause]
  Cartman: You can't be the dwarf character, Butters, I'm the dwarf.
  Butters: Well, there's only like four races to choose from-
  Cartman: So pick another one! I'm the dwarf, you stupid asshole! Log out, create a new character, and log back in!
  Butters: [as his dwarf stomps off, grumbling] I like Hello Kitty: Island Adventure a lot more'n this stuff...
• The Vocal Dissonance of the kids and their WoW characters, established by a dwarf in bright red armour with a long beard and a giant hammer whose first line is "Oh, dude, I just took the biggest crap!" in Cartman's voice. The tone continues with a knight speaking in Stan's voice, a female mage speaking in Kyle's voice, and a hunter speaking in Kenny's muffled voice. And then we get the other boys joining in: a Doppelgänger of Cartman's dwarf with Butters' voice, an adult rogue with Token's voice, two moustached gnomes with Craig and Tweek's voices, two bearded Night Elf hunters with Jimmy and Clyde's voices, a human priest with Timmy's one-word vocabulary, and, funniest of all, a human mage with Ike's voice.
• Cartman's explosive diarrhea
• After Tweek's character is set on fire by the Griefer, several further scenes feature him running around in the background in a blind panic until he runs out of HP, the other characters completely ignoring him.
• In his quest to give Stan the "Sword of a Thousand Truths", Randy jacks a car and decks the driver in the stomach and shoves a kid playing on Best Buy's WoW demo off the chair. And then when he logs in and tries to hand Stan the sword, Stan has to tell him how to give items to another character.

Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy

• Nice.
• Dog the Bounty Hunter and his crew found South Park's parody of them hysterical. Beth even said that her parody's boobs were too small.
  • The lyrics for when Cartman sings about how he brought on the rest of the crew:
    Cartman: ♪I got some badass guys to help me!/ Only had to pay them 15 buuucks!♪
• "Ike made a no-no."
• Cartman's understanding of sex.
  Cartman: What's there to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some, stick it inside her and pee.
  Kyle: Stick it inside her and pee?
  Cartman: Well, okay, fine. Unless if you don't want to get her pregnant, then pull it out and pee on her leg.
• Kyle tries to tell his parents about Ike's relationship with Ms. Stevenson at the dinner table. He is interrupted twice by Ike saying something cute so he excuses himself to cajole Ike. This also backfires when Ike argues by shouting nursery rhymes.

Hell on Earth 2006

• The boys try to say "Biggie Smalls" in the mirror three times to see if he'll appear. They all chicken out however. Later, Butters tries it at home. Biggie then appears and chases Butters all over the house, trying to shoot him.
  Butters: (to his parents) He's about to bust a cap in my ass!
  Stephen: Well, do you wanna be shot or do you wanna be grounded?
• "Please don't ice me, homie!"
• This exchange:
  Biggie: You don't understand, fool. I ain't missin' the party!
  Butters: What party?
  Biggie: I already got my wristband, see? You've got to get me to Los Angeles!
  Butters: Well, can't you just take a plane?
  Biggie: How, punk?! We don't use money in hell, nigga!
  Butters: Well damn, nigga, there's got to be some way!
• Everything involving Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy trying to pick up Satan's ferrari-cake while behaving like The Three Stooges the entire time.

Go God Go

• Mrs. Garrison teaching evolution, seriously. Just watch it.
• When Mrs. Garrison goes on a rant which ends with him/her throwing shit at Richard Dawkins. Made even better when s/he appears calm and civilized later in Principal Victoria's office.
  Garrison: If I'm a monkey (according to evolution) I might as well act like one! (pulls down pants and starts shitting in hand)
  Richard: What are you doing?
  Garrison: Don't ask me! I'm a fucking monkey! (throws his/her shit at him).
• (clanging a metal triangle) "Uh-oh, retard alert! Retard alert, class!"
• The atheists yelling things like "Oh My Science" and "Science Damn You". And The Reveal as to what the various Atheist groups were fighting over in the future - what the name of their group should be called!

Stanley's Cup

• "We need a Canadian."
• Having a 4-year-old mercilessly beaten senseless by the Detroit Red Wings in front of a cheering crowd may be the show's crowning moment of audacity.
• The ending has the Red Wings celebrating as if THEY were the underdogs, complete with their couch and his father reconciling tearfully on the ice.
• The creators themselves thought the ending was really funny, though most of the audience thinks otherwise.

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