Funny / Jemjammer

Aesheim (episodes 1-3)

Episode 1 - Starfall

• After briefly introducing the party, Kit points out that they don't have a great composition and that everyone's going to die, then backtracks because she is very invested in not killing her mom's D&D character.
• The fact that the first thing Maq mentions about Cacophony is her giant bosom is a clear indicator of both their characters.
  • Maq's entire character description, which includes a very deep-cut tunic, blue hair that changes colour in the light (and might be a cantrip), eyes that change colour, a cape, and a flair for being slightly-dramatic.
  Kit: Some time today, Mackenzie!
• When Alanna asks where she could hire mercenaries to help find the remains of the falling stars, Cacophony eagerly declares herself, Aelfgifu, and Jylliana to be the best party around. Jylliana's comment? "Eehh..."
• Cacophony stating that she isn't shopping for supplies because she donated all her money is met with immediate doubt. When asked who she donated to, she gives the appropriately vague response "the poor".
  Jylliana: The poor?
  Cacophony: Mmhm.
  Jylliana: The poor.
  Cacophony: Uh-huh. I've kept exactly twenty gold for myself.
  Jylliana: Y'know—you know what institution is great about distributing things to the poor?
  Cacophony: I will give exactly five to the temple of Ethla.
  Jylliana: Five.
  Cacophony: Because of the guilt trip I will leave thirty-five more.
  Jylliana: Ethla thanks you for your patronage.
• Cacophony dramatically spins to gesture towards the horizon in slow-motion. Everyone else moves at normal speed.
• While buying supplies.
  Aelfgifu: Jylliana, are you also buying any [healing potions] or are you good with healing spells?
  Jylliana: I am the healing potion.
• During the spider fight, Jylliana has a bit of a breakdown.
  Jylliana: Leave the convent, they said. Go to Stormhaven, they said. Travel the world, they said.
  Kit: Silence falls over the battlefield save for Jylliana's angry muttering.
  Jylliana: Nobody ever said anything about the giant spiders. You can't convert the giant spiders! You just have to deal with them!
  Cacophony: Jylliana my darling?
  Jylliana: What.
  Cacophony: Do you know why spiders are like toy tops?
  Jylliana: Because they never go away? I don't know what we're doing here.
  Cacophony: Because they're always spinning, my dear.
  Jylliana: *Beat* Why did you give me the mental image of spiders again.
  Cacophony: I just felt like the moment was there.
  Jylliana: Was it?
  Cacophony: It was, I do believe it was.
  • Followed by Jylliana casting Cure Wounds on Cacophony through the finger she's using to shush her.
• Kit states that the party follows Alanna onto the ship. Maq corrects her, saying that Cacophony prances.

Episode 2 - The Kestrel

• After Cacophony and Alanna discover the ship's captain dead, Cacophony is at a loss to do.
  Maq: I mostly get up there, look very serious, and flounce around uselessly.
  Vicki: I'm having trouble holding "serious" and "flouncing" in my head at the same time.
  Maq: It's Cacophony, so flouncing is about as serious as she can get.
• Jylliana shrieks when she finds the body.
  Aelfgifu: Look at it this way, he's not a spider.
  Jylliana: *beat* This is an improvement on my day.
• Maq starts singing "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" while rolling her dice, then continues to sing while Kit tries to set the scene until Annie snaps at her. Then Maq defends herself by claiming it's "Wake Me Up Before the Spiders Show-ow".
• After Jylliana disintegrates her attacker with Wrath of the Storm, the only Post-Mortem One-Liner she can muster is "It is TOO! EARLY!"

Episode 3 - Deathspider

• The episode begins immediately after Jylliana yells at the bandits, with everyone trying to calm her down and give her some water for her sore throat. Then she takes a nap, in-character because she's exhausted, out-of-character because Annie wants her spell slots back.
  Kit: You have successfully intimidated the dudes.
  Vicki: Goodbye, dudes!
• After Aelfgifu states that she wants to learn how to deal with the typical person (having been raised mostly on her own in the woods her life), Cacophony replies that at least she can hang out with her.
  Aelfgifu: Would you say you're fairly typical?
  Cacophony: I would say I am fairly atypical. I would say most consider me more annoying than others.
  Jylliana: At least she's self-aware.
  Cacophony: So you are at least breaching the gauntlet with me here. After me, everybody else will feel very...simple and congenial.
• Trying to fight a harpy.
  Cacophony: Well, I can start singing and attract its attention. Harpies like singing!
  Jylliana: Yes, and you like attention. Great plan.
• The main party doesn't have a name for Alanna's gun, so they've taken to calling it "the boom-boom stick".
  • After Alanna finally calls it a "gun", the other three spend a good three minutes pronouncing the word oddly and trying to wrap their heads around it.
• The girls discover the ship that attacked the Kestrel...and it's shaped like a giant spider. And so are the neogi that crew it. Jylliana promptly loses it. Then Aelfgifu asks if Cacophony can cast a spell to disguise all spiders as something else, but Cacophony can only disguise herself.
  Jylliana: Then don't turn yourself into a spider. For my sake.
• Cacophony strategizing against the newborn neogi: "I assume babies are not wise".
• After Annie starts bemoaning the amount of spider-ness in their current setting.
  Kit: I'm setting the scene, Annie! It's the theatre of the mind, Annie!
  • Around this point Jylliana, who had been whispering prayers to her goddess earlier, expands to muttering the entire holy book of Ethla to keep from going completely over the edge.
• The last line of the episode after Kit describes the Kestrel returning to Wildspace with the party on board is Jylliana's weak and concerned "aw, fuck".

Port Meridian (episodes 4-9)

Episode 4 - Into the Void

• Maq describes Cacophony's mourning outfit, which is shockingly subdued (black cloak, mostly black other clothing, and the only glitter on it is on the epaulets). Then Annie points out that she's essentially dressed as General Gothic Lolita.
• "There is no way to accurately show a bunk bed in 2D space."
• Kit losing track of where all the characters are.
  Kit: Jake^*their editor, if you could edit this so I don't sound like a bad GM, that'd be great!
• Jylliana successfully remembers some Sign Language in order to try and communicate with Finn, the deaf cook. His response? "Your accent is terrible."
• Jylliana tries to get some context for being in space from the ward room, but the only literature she can find are trashy space-tabloid magazines.
  • As she looks through the fashion photos, she finds what Kit describes as "a picture of penguins with the same context as Prince Harry getting engaged". At which point they realize Jylliana may not know what penguins are. She fails an intelligence roll to know and has to figure out what the picture is with absolutely no context.
  Jylliana: This looks like a fat man in a tuxedo wearing a plague-doctor mask.
• The Stinger is Maq spontaneously singing "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies, apparently just so Jake has something to put at the end.

Episode 5 - Ghost Ship

• All three players squeeing when they see that Mr. Hurst is represented on Roll 20 by an adorable piggy bank.
• When Kit confirms that the party is on the ship’s deck, Vicki asks how they’re breathing.
  Kit: Good question. Spelljammer!
• Cacophony casts Dissonent Whispers on the undead wizard, and claims that the song he hears in his head is "Down, Down, to Goblin Town". Kit then announces that they're being sued by Rankin Bass.
  • When she uses it a second time, they hear "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life".
• When Cacophony uses Mantle of Inspiration, Maq describes it as a bishonen getting sakura blossoms raining down around them. Annie snaps at the incorrect pronunciation (it's sakura) and asks if this is Cardcaptors now. Maq says yes.

Episode 6 - Port Meridian

• Alanna explains that the rings the girls get should probably teleport them back to the ship if they’re about to die while on shore leave. Emphasis on "probably".
• Jylliana's first line is to ask if docking procedures normally take eight weeks.
  • After Maq spends another inordinate amount of time describing Cacophony's outfit, Vicki states that the eight-week delay must’ve been for Cacophony to change.
• According to Cacophony, the proper thing to do once docking is to find a pub and look for a girl named Brandy. And tell her she might be a fine girl, but your life, your lover, your lady...is space sea.
• The fact that Rio's guest character is a Dohwar, aka a business-penguin in a Hawaiian shirt.
• Instead of shooing off the muggers, Cacophony asks if Grak has recently been married. This distracts the business-penguin, and they get socked in the face.
• Jylliana tries to order Chowder in a bread bowl, then has to describe what a bread bowl is. She gets a bowl of chowder with a chunk of bread floating in the middle. She declares it close enough.
• When Jylliana asks if Grak's gem for their lady-love is a business or romance transaction, Grak asks why it can't be a business-romance.
  • Followed by Annie saying...
  Annie: Hang-on, I just gotta get this out of my system. *beat* Kiss! Kiss! Lawyer up!
• The episode ends with the party realizing they could help Grak recover their stolen gem.
  Jylliana: Maybe you could hire us to find it...
  Cacophony: We'll do it for free!
  Grak: WONDERFUL!

Episode 7 - The Vault

• Right off the bat:
  Aelfgifu: You just introduced me to this thing called ’getting paid’. and now you wanna do it for free?
• Cacophony decides to change into a stealth-version of her outfit to make sure no one sees her. When she does come back she has a black-and-red Psylocke-esque outfit with more stealthy two-inch heels (as opposed to the higher, glittery ones from before). It takes her about an hour.
• When Grak explains how to get to the sewer that their gem was taken to, he says to Cacophony, "And you know the saying: Spider Chateau, do not go," Jylliana can only muster a concerned "excuse me".
• When Jyllana asks how you can get tides on space.
  Grak: How do you get a big rock in space? It just is. LET'S GO!
• Grak can cast an eldritch blast. He fires it from between Jylliana's legs, which makes her quickly back away.
  • For a bonus attack, Grak throws a magic rock and rolls a very high attack. The rock turns into a giant anvil and just splats the suit of armour.
• Aelfgifu manages to take only a little damage from the suit of armour’s attack because she's wearing good armour and has an AC of 16. Rio is surprised since Grak has the same level. Kit states that, technically, the Hawaiian shirt is also a breastplate.
  • Despite this, Aelfgifu plays up the minor wound a lot in the ensuing fight. She rolls two nat twenties, and takes the head off an armour with a cross-slash.
  Maq: She turned her pain into strength!
  Aelfgifu: Take that, sucker!
  • At the end the wound is determined to be about as dangerous as a paper cut. Jylliana says she could kiss it better.
  Aelfgifu: Better you than Cacophony.
• Jylliana casts Guiding Bolt at the remaining armour, and Vicki pictures it just barely grazing Cacophony since she almost stabbed Jylliana through the armour. Maq elaborates, stating that Cacophony doesn’t move and just lets the bolt light her up form behind while dramatically whipping her hair around.
• While Grak is picking the lock, Jylliana comments on how nimble their big penguin fingers are.
  Grak: That's what all the ladies say.
  *everyone corpses while Annie shrieks in terror*
  Annie: It's in my head now!
  Rio: Imagine those sausages!
  Annie: Nooooo!
• Cacophony takes 12 bludgeoning damage (while trapped in a rug) and is knocked unconscious.
  Aelfgifu: That's the quietest she's been in a while.
• Cacophony tries to argue that, while Aelfgifu attacks the outside of the rug, if she's inside, then it counts as flanking.

Episode 8 - The Catacombs

• Jylliana gets hung up on Cacophony referring to a singular "octopi".
• Kit sending Annie the information for her new helmet is met by Annie laughing uproariously and making siren noises before the two reveal that Jylliana has obtained the Space Fun Helemt.
  Annie (struggling through laughter): Sorry it's—it's got "Spock" on the front! So you know Spock's coming! It's an asshole alert!
  • Annie reads off the abilities of the helmet, which include revealing invisible objects and giving advantage on saving throughs against gasses and vapours. At the end: "The trade-off is just looking like an asshole."
  • Upon placing it on her head (and adjusting the snap-on chin-straps), Cacophony and Aelfgifu rate her assholery a 7.5 and 9 respectively. Upon turning on the spinning gem, Cacophony raises it to an eight.
• When they find a chest in the sewers, Cacophony (still reeling from the rug) wonders aloud what the odds are that it's a monster that wants to eat them.
  Kit: Y'know, not all inanimate objects—
  Party: *giggles*
  Annie: #NotAllInanimateObjects.
• Since nobody has lockpicking skills or equipment, Jylliana uses her hammer to smash it open and reveal a pair of gloves...that give a bonus to lockpicking skills.
• While fighting some slime, Cacophony uses Vicious Mockery on them.
  • She tries it again, but chokes because Maq can't remember any quotes from Flubber.
  Annie: There are no real lines in Flubber! It is simply nonsense!
  Maq: Okay! In that case she will mutter simple nonsense, all involving the word "flubber" for some reason, and cast Dissonant Whispers on the thing.
  • And then Annie begins muttering herself while Maq explains the spell.
  Annie: he puts it on their shoes and then they play basketball real good...Robin Williams is best at basketball...Robin Williams is best at basketball...and he has a robot wife.
  • And the spell makes the slime try to flee as fast is it can...which is rather slow, conjuring the image of a terrified oily blob slowly squiggling away from the party as they all watch it awkwardly.
• While healing the party, Jylliana asks Cacophony how she's doing and she replies that she's just below half health.
  Cacophony: If we were to put things in numbers, I would be at eleven out of twenty five!
  Jylliana: You know that's a weirdly specific scale.
  Cacophony: What can I say, I'm nothing but weirdly specific.

Episode 9 - Shrine Row

• Right at the beginning Cacophony declares she's proficient at everything, checks a door for traps, and rolls a six.
  Cacophony: Aelfgifu, can you open the door?
  Aelfgifu: You want me to help you open this door?
  Cacophony: Yes, by which I mean I want you to open this door.
  Kit: Back-up trap checker is always the one with the most hit points.
• Cacophony refuses to enter the room after this because she's still unsure, but immediately runs in when Aelfgifu announces that there are wine barrels.
• When the party encounters a single tentacular, beaked creature.
  Jylliana: Oh my god! Sewer octopodes!
  Cacophony: I told you!
  • During the battle they try flanking, but because of the close quarters Cacophony has to awkwardly squeeze passed Jylliana to get into position.
• Kit describes the exterior of the "Guiding Star" inn as a bit like a grandmother's cottage, so when she gets to the interior everyone piles on to make it as grandma-y as possible with doilies everywhere and full of Precious Moments figurines—but of things like dragon-centaurs.
• Aelfgifu wants to stay the night, but Cacophony and Jylliana just want to bathe and return to the ship. When Aelfgifu acquiesces:
  Jylliana: Peer pressure! *beat* On the pier!
  • Kit then has Annie take psychic damage. When Annie protests that such never happened to Cacophony, Kit points out that Cacophony's the bard; she expects better from the cleric.
• After they eat a meal from a series of food stalls, Maq asks if there's such a thing as "Space Yelp".
  Kit: Uh, if by that you mean standing on a crate and yelping then sure.

Return to Stormhaven (episodes 10-14)

Episode 10 - Return to Stormhaven

• After the Kestrel, Cacophony moves into Aelfgifu's room. Aelfgifu does not get a choice.
• They state that new crew member Kara also brought a cat named Toolbox with her, in order to justify the noises Annie's cat Tesla makes in real life.
  Maq: He likes to sing the song of his people.
• The group discuss having a podcast where everything happens in real-time, with 48 hours of ambient Star Trek bridge sounds.
• In the middle of ghost ships laying siege to Stormhaven, Cacophony realizes she hadn't described her outfit yet.
  Kit: You can describe it when we get off he boat! It'll be very dramatic, you can start from where your feet touch the Earth.
• Jylliana tries to buff the party, but missed the check and the spell fizzles due to her remaining doubt. So she awkwardly turns it into an "atta boy" pat.
• Cacophony finally gets to describe her costume. She looks like a sexy Hamburglar.
  Kit: THIS IS A HALLOWEEN COSTUME!
  Maq: It is!
  Vickie: Well, discount. Halloween's over.
• In the stinger, Maq comments that her Cacophony voice is getting more like Taako with time. *beat*. "Taako Time!"

Episode 11 - Miss Kitty, Don't Go That Way!

• Cacophony casting Vicious Mockery.
  Cacophony: Darling, you're out of your depth!
  Maq: That wasn't a pun—nat 20! Hell yeah!
  Kit: Holy shit, that was a good pun it turns out!
  • Maq's other planning.
  Maq: Hang on I gotta do a thing.
  Annie: I'm starting to really dread "I gotta do a thing".
  • After killing the Draconian, Cacophony uses Bardic Inspiration to help Jylliana, then parkours away.
  Annie: I love this image of "Haha! You can do it. And away"!
  • Kit compares it to the scene from Xena where she flips off a cliff all the way to a pirate ship.
• Cacophony recovers from paralysis but has to end her turn in a pool of acid, thus taking 1 damage.
  Cacophony: In the grand scheme of things I will accept that.
  Kit: Your shoes are a little ruined.
  Cacophony: No! My heels!
• Vicky asks why Annie keeps failing stealth rolls. Annie points out that Jylliana is wearing chain mail.
  Annie: I go clink clank clink clonk!
• The stinger.
  Maq: I just accidentally clicked my bio tab and remembered that when I first filed it out I put "orbs of striking purple luscious coconut buttery skin and midnight blue".
  Annie: Under eyes, skin, and hair?
  Maq: Yeah.
  Annie: Is there even enough space for that?
  Maq: It just all runs together into one block.

Episode 12 - The Worst Day of Kit's Life

• The players blame Jylliana's terrible initiative rolls on her losing her faith.
• Cacophony uses Mantle of Inspiration to give everyone another move action.
  Maq: You can move if you want to.
  * *beat*
  Maq: You can leave your friends behind, because your friends don’t dance.
  Annie: There it is! I was restraining myself.
• When an enemy spell caster casts Mirror Image, Annie cries out "Oh no it's Magical Hats!"
  Annie: Quick, ask it a question only the real spellcasting dude would know.
• When Annie discovers Kit doesn't have to keep track of the real spell caster in the fight because every time they're attacked she rolls a dice, she angrily cries out "Kittington Middle Name Walker"!

Episode 13 - Cosmic as Sh*t

• Cacophony's outfit: Imperial Lolita Russian-Chan gone goth.
• Jylliana now has Revivify, so she makes sure to get a diamond to cast it because she doesn't trust Kit's mercy.
  Kit: Once you can reliably revive people the gloves are off!
• Jylliana tells Ariadne that she's not great at bargaining, missing the grin that flashes across the latter's face.
  Annie: Listen, I have Intelligence 10.
  Vickie: Sucker!
  • Annie pointing out that Ariadne probably knows people who can come after her if she doesn't pay her back for the diamond. Also the giant mechanical octopus.
  Annie: Miss Kitty has arms for stocking shelves, hugging, and for slaughter!
• While Aelfgifu waits for the other two to finish their errands, Annie asks if she has any woodland critters she'd like to sing a song with. Cacophony suggests Aelfgifu come with her to meet her family, but then thinks they'd misinterpret what she means by "friend".
• Finn made a chore wheel for the crew. He put a lot of effort into it—it's got sequins!
• While tidying the ship, Aelfgifu comes across Veli reading a steamy romance novel.
  • She also tries very un-subtly to look through the documents Alanna and Jyll were going through, but since Alanna rolls a natural 1 on her intelligence check...look, it's been a long day.
  Aelfgifu: Well, if there's anything in here...
  Alanna: Yep, I'll let you know. Bye.
  Aelfgifu: I just wanted to let you know I'm always at your—
  Alanna slams door shut in Aelfgifu's face
  Aelfgifu:—disposal.
• Jylliana's incredibly shocked reaction to seeing a constellate, a being made of stars that's hundreds of miles wide and looks directly at her is just a murmured "...space".
• Alanna explains the various dangers of the Phlogiston, including ghosts.
  Jylliana: Sorry, ghosts?
  Cacophony: Happens sometimes.
  Alanna: You just get ghosts out in space! Sometimes there are space ghosts.
  Jylliana: Do they go from one coast to another?
  Alanna:...no?

Episode 14 - Rainbow Connection

• The episode's description: "The Assassination of Annie Craton by the Cowards Kit Walker, Maq Weaver, and Vicki Charron."
  Kit: Happy birthday Annie I got you a cute half-orc.
  • "Annie are you still angrily muttering to yourself?"
• Xilwyn's dating advice.
  Xilwyn: Lachlan is from Eberron, which is very loud. You can talk about how when I'm Cacophony, I'm very loud.
  Jylliana: Why are you guys like this?
  Xilwyn: Because were busybodies.
  • Then Aelfgifu tells Jylliana to go after him because none of them have gotten any in the past two weeks.
  Kit: My mother everybody!
  • Then Jyll abruptly realizes that Lachlan can hear the entire conversation.
• Mr. Hurst is whittling.
  Mr. Hurst: It's a bird!
  Kit, aside: It's not a bird.
• Jyll eventually works up the courage to ask Lachlan what he does for fun.
  Lachlan: Uh, well there's a couple of ways to have fun on a ship like this. Once I get off shift I can show you.
  *Jylliana turns bright red*
  Cacophony and Aelfgifu: Oooh!
  Lachlan: No no not like that! I—I like playing euchre!
  Kit: This has been: Two Idiots Flirting.
  • Jyll tries to excuse herself by saying she needs to "polish her hammer".
  Aelfgifu: Oh is that what we're calling it now?
• The awkwardness continues.
  Cacophony: I can play some music during dinner.
  Jylliana: That's great, you can play my funeral.
  Cacophony: How about some romance music?
  Jylliana: No I think a funeral dirge would be great.
  • Maq tries to imitate romantic music but ends up singing The Godfather theme.
• Lachlan shows Jylliana how to toss apples just right that they briefly orbit the ship before catching them from the other side...unless they hit somebody like Cacophony.
  Cacophony: There's one thing I don't normally do and that's take subtle hints. *resumes playing*
  Jylliana: Were you aiming for her?
  Lachlan:...Maybe.
  Jylliana: Can I try?
• Another ship is spotted.
  Annie: Wait. I've got something for this.
  Maq: Space fun helmet!
  Annie: Wee-woo.
  • Annie adds that the audience is free to imagine Jylliana wearing the Space Fun Helmet during the entire convo with Lachlan.
• The entire sequence of Aelfgifu and Cacophony trying to pull Jylliana back on board. A series of bad rolls leave the two desperately yanking on the rope and it barely budging. All the while, there's a faint orange glow off in the distance.
  Annie: Wee-woo.
  • They manage to enlist the help of Mr. Hurst. He rolls an 18 and Jylliana comes flying back.
• As Vicki bemoans her repeatedly bad rolls and declares herself a weak clueless idiot, the others encourage her by pointing out her combat prowess.
  Annie: And now you can murder four times in one turn.
  Vicki: That's true! I'm a murderous idiot!
• Jylliana is gonna teach everyone Euchre, Lachlan's fav game. Aelfgifu already knows how to play—likely the only thing the old man in the woods taught her.
  Annie: Jylliana is absolutely no help. Her hand once touched Lachlan's when they were passing cards and she lost her fucking shit. Very quietly.

The Fallen Jammer (episodes 15-16, The Fallen Gods episodes 18-19)

Episode 15 - The Haunted Galleon of Lunitari (The Fallen Jammer pt.1)

• Alan imitates a hamhorn noise, and Jake asks everyone if they want a real one. He's quickly shot down.
• After the bathysphere crashes into the Kestrel, Mr. Hurst can be heard from the wardroom shouting about his house of cards collapsing.
  • Alan can't help but describe he impact as a cacophony of sound.
  • The first thing Solvin does is ask if his skulls are okay.
• Mara's shocked reaction to Mr. Hurst, and Tuatha's non-reaction.
  Tuatha: It's just a well-dressed hippo, pick your jaw off the floor.
• Solvin asks if it's too late to just close the door and pretend that none of this happened.
• Tuatha cutting off Mara's introduction to ask where the bathroom is.
  Mara: I told you to go before we left Tuatha.
  Tuatha: No you didn't! We came out of a tomb and you took us into space, do not even pretend you told me to go before we left!
• Cacophony is immediately in love with the extremely revealing outfits Mara gave the Fallen Gods' party—before she even meets them.
  Cacophony: There's good fashion aboard!
  Jylliana: Did everything just get 20% sexier here?
• Tuatha has become very attached to the bathysphere.
  Tuatha: If there is so much of a scratch on my baby, I swear to your gods—
  Mara: There are many of them dear, take your pick.
  Flint: *rummages through his bag, pulls out Gideon's book This one?
  Tuatha: No, I like that one.
• Cacophony and Mara are immediately horny for each other upon seeing each other.
  Jylliana: Did a burlesque show crash into here? What the hell?
• Solvin desperately hugs his bag to his shirt, clearly uncomfortable with how sexy his outfit is. Tuatha loves it.
  Tuatha: See solvin, we would look like fools if we showed up in our own clothes!
  Solvin: I would rather look like a fool!
• As Cacophony and Mara flirt, Jylliana's reaction is "oh no there's more of them".
• Turns out the spear that Finn is using as a spitroaster is actually a Dragonlance, an ancient and powerful weapon thought lost. Mara faints upon seeing it, as it's worth all the riches on the planet.
  Solvin: Oh, that's why I recognized it. *starts making room in his bag*
• Solvin sums up the show's plot.
  Solvin: We're just putting gods in a bag, it's no big deal.
  Jylliana: You're pitting what in a bag?!
• Tuatha tries to show the Kestrel cew the page in Gideon's book where Flint shudders, so Flint tries to tear the page out and eat it. It doesn't work.
• Tuatha tries praying to Mina to see if she knows Ethla.
  Jake: Do I have to roll?
  Alan: No, you just have to genuinely pray to Mina from your heart.
  Jake: *deep sigh*
  Shannon: Just sing Madonna's "Like a Prayer".
  Jake: I don't know that one. *starts muttering the lyrics to "Material Girl"
• Solvin gets so awkward around Mara and Cacophony's flirting that he switches between wanting to hurl himself into the sun and wanting to stuff Mara in the bathysphere and hurl her into the sun.
• Tuatha is commando under her dress because no one wears underwear in space.
• As they approach Lunitari.
  Annie: That's no moon, that's a goddess.
  Kit: You sounded so angry when you said that!
  Maq: That's rough, buddy.
• Coming across the titular haunted galleon.
  Josh: It better not be named Enyo or we're out.
  Alan: It has a U-shaped deck.
  Jake: We're out!
• As Tuatha begins lusting over Lachlan, Jake asks for the horniest Lachlan art they have. Annie starts singing "Jolene" in her head.
• Jylliana becomes exasperated as she sees Mara and Cacophony returning from their time together below deck. Solvin offers her some teeth to comfort her. He's not sure if they're from Draconians or from humans.
  Jylliana: I think I'm full up on teeth, but thank you.
  Solvin: That sounds fake but okay.
  • Further discussion on Mara and Cacophony's intimacy.
  Jylliana: On a scale from one to ten, how horny do you people think space is?
  Tuatha: Uh, ten?
  Solvin: Zero. It's space.
  Mara: Anything is horny if you try hard enough.
  Cacophony: I agree with Mara.
• Cacophony studies the way Allura's robe billows. Tuatha has other concerns.
  Tuatha: We're in space, where's that wind coming from?
  Solvin: Where's our breathable air coming from?
• With regards to Tuatha's continued Malicious Misnaming:
  Jylliana: I don't think you've gotten a single name right on the first try aside from Lachlan's.
  Tuatha: Well, now you know what's important to me. How big are Yvon's arms? Maybe I'll remember his name better.
  • Shortly thereafter:
  Tuatha: Evan, please!
  Yvon: Yvon.
  Jylliana: Guess he's not that hot.
  • Furthermore Yvon, a cleric they meet on Lunitari, has the same name as Solvin's brother. It prompts a discussion about said sibling.
  Tuatha: So you have a brother. Is he—
  Solvin: Don't.
  Tuatha: Don't what?
  Solvin: Don't.
  Tuatha: Don't what?
  Solvin: You know.
  Tuatha: No I don't think I do.
  Solvin: Let's go on that boat!
  Tuatha: Couldn't you just say what I shouldn't don't?
  Yvon: I don't think he wants you to fuck his brother.
  Tuatha: I don't...necessarily—
  Solvin: It's actually the reverse because I don't want Yvon to do it.
  Tuatha: At all or with me specifically?
  Solvin: With anyone. *beat* He's unstoppable.
  Tuatha: Unstoppable?!
  • It's around this part of the episode that the Fallen Gods crew apologize for alienating the entire Jemjammer listener base by being so horny.
• When Mara explains that Lunitari is both a goddess and the moon itself, Flint starts trying to figure out how to fit the moon in a bag.
• Tuatha's head enlarges again.
  Jylliana: There's a metaphor for big ego in here somewhere.
• Annie noticeably perks up when Alan explains the backstory of Dargaard keep, which is almost entirely "Dragonlance bullshit".
• In the stinger, Maq's cat sneezes. Shannon declares that that's how she's going to leave conversations now: "My cat just sneezed, hold on".

The Fallen Gods 018: Great at Dragons (The Fallen Jammer pt. 2)

• Cacophony interrupts the Narrator to tell the episode's story, claiming to be a far better storyteller than he is.
• They establish that Kit is the GM in this session. They promise not to try and not kill anyone, and Jake hopes to hold them to that because he's their favourite.
  • Also, Alan pulls up the wild magic table for no reason.
  Jake: Yeah! Welcome to Krynn, where rule's don't matter!
• Aelfgifu has been sick and can't quite remember her species. But when Kit tells Vicki she doesn't need to go into a lot of detail, Aelfgifu just starts reiterating her entire backstory.
• Since they're preparing to fight a dragon, Mara tries to get a hold of the Dragonlance again.
  Tuatha: Mara, no, get your dirty hands away from that Dragonlance!
  Solvin: Wait, is that the thing that's worth a lot of money? Because I agree—
  Tuatha: Solvin! Get your dirtier hands away from that Dragonlance!
  Solvin: I'm wearing gloves! They're so clean! My hands are. The gloves are filthy.
• As everyone looks at the Dragonlance:
  Aelfgifu: There's a lot of imagery going on here with everybody touching something.
  Mara: And it's kinda phallic shaped?
  Tuatha: But when I casually swing around my veiny, throbbing spoon, I get looks.
  • While most of the parties are in awe of the power coming off the Dragonlance, Solvin can only feel how expensive it is.
• Everything pauses so that Alan and Maq can describe the outfits Mara and Cacophony's put on before they bang. Naturally, Maq's description goes on for a while, to the point where Jake mistakes a pause for breath as the end.
• As they leave for Dargaard Keep:
  Jylliana: Well! *claps* Can't wait to die away from home!
• The Fallen Gods party make fun of the Jemjammer party for having three potential healers while they have none have been doing pretty well for themselves.
• After Jylliana has an emotional explanation of her trouble with keeping in contact with Ethla while off-world, Tuatha offers to loan her one of their gods.
• Tuatha's crush on Lachlan rears it's head in the worst possible way, right in front of Jylliana.
  Tuatha: He's so tall I'd have to go up on him.
  Jylliana: *internal screaming*
• Mara explains that Dargaard Keep is the former home of the Death Knight Soth. Everyone agrees he sounds like an angsty fourteen-year-old.
• Debating the effectiveness of dropping the bathysphere into the tower and crushing the cleric there.
  Jylliana: We are not that lucky.
  Flint: You never know until you roll for it.
  *laughter*
  Alan: That's a T-Shirt we need!
  • Another plan suggested is flying the ship over the dragon, turning the engines off, falling on it, and then fleeing again.
  Jylliana: It's a spaceship! It's not a blunt instrument!
  Solvin: Everything's a blunt instrument when you try hard enough.
  • Solvin finally suggests killing the cleric first and hoping that causes the undead Draconians to die as well.
  Aelfgifu: That sounds eminently reasonable. There must be something wrong with it.
• After determining that their best chances still involve risking the lives of everyone on board, Alanna points out that they should make sure everyone involved is okay with the plan.
  Cacophony: I'm fine with it. Lachlan!
  Lachlan: What?
  Cacophony: You heard the conversation, you're in the forecastle.
  Lachlan: You're asking me if I'm okay with dying?
  Cacophony: Yes!
  Tuatha: You're not gonna die.
  Cacophony: You're not going to die, we're going to pull this off! But on the off chance that the five percent happens, are you okay with that?
  Lachlan: I mean, people are gonna die if we don't do it, right?
  Cacophony: Right!
  ** Meanwhile, Flint wonders if they could do some kind of gravity-slingshot maneuver, adn Tuatha suggests a Sticky Mickey^*From Firefly: The Zelda Chronicles.
  • Kara says that if anything goes wrong she'll just grab Toolbox and leave. Cacophony asks Toolbox's opinion. Kara pauses before reminding her that Toolbox is a cat.
• Jylliana offers to repair Flint's armour. He follows her to her quarters and everyone goes "Oooh!"
  • She asks how well Flint can take a hit, and Flint says that he's great and definitely never got his head slammed into a table by a waiter.
  • She also points out that using Mending spells without knowing what you're doing can, for example, heal your nose wonkily and make you snore like you're drowning in pudding.
  • Once she's finished, Jylliana tells Flint to maybe stop saying crude things about Orcs because she now knows all the weak points in his armour. Flint's face goes completely white.
• When Tuatha waxes poetic a bit about the merman they encountered, Cacophony dubs him a "Mermimbo".
  Cacophony: How come our adventures are never this sexy?
  Jylliana: You fill the quota.
• As they fly in, Tuatha has the great idea to use enlarge...on the dragon...to make it easier to hit. Jylliana loses her mind on her, telling her that it would make way more sense to either a) shrink the dragon or b) enlarge the Dragonlance. Any confidence she gained in the Fallen Gods party over the past hour is shot.
  Solvin: Yeah I usually just hide until they're done.
  Jylliana: That sounds like a great idea.
  Cacophony: You can't hide, dear, you go "clink clank clonk".
• Josh never looked at what Fighters and Eldritch Knights get when they level up. As such he had no idea about Bonus Attacks, Action Surge, Second Wind...the only thing he was aware of was that he could dual-wield axes. He doesn't even question it until the Jemjammer crew ask why he's only attacking once per turn. He also immediately blames Alan for not telling him about his stuff.
• The Kestrel ("our flammable, beautiful, baby bird") and some of the players catch fire during the dragon fight, and Aelfgifu asks if she can due anything about the fires.
  Jylliana: I don't have water magic! I do radiant damage, if I can manage that!
  Aelfgifu: Then get a bucket!
  • Cacophony doesn't mind being on fire because it makes her look cool.
  • Kit tells Aelfgifu where to find buckets of sand and water to put the fires out.
  Vicki: We're on a spaceship and we don't have fire extinguishers?
  Kit: We barely have a gun. What do you want from me?
• Cacophony, still on fire, declares the situation "emberassing". When Kit tells her to take damage, Maq initially contests it because Kit told her she was allowed to make puns since she was the bard. Kit points out the pun is fine, but Cacophony is on fire.
• After healing Flint with a ditty that sounds like a Verizon ringtone, Cacophony uses Vicious Mockery on the undead dragon.
  Cacophony: Dear, I hope you know you aren't making a single scratch!
  Maq: I need it to roll a wisdom saving throw.
  Annie: Does that pun connect to anything?
  Maq:...no.
  Annie: I don't think that works then...
  Maq: Okay, okay, how about "I've gotta say, you're really draggin us down"?
  Annie: You've got a bone to pick with it! Come on!
  Alan: That's just Power Rangers now.
  Kit: It doesn't matter how bad the pun is! It failed!
• As Flint kills the dragon he manages to grab the head and deposit it in Solvin's lap.
  Solvin: Oh thank you! I'm not marrying you though.
  Flint: That's okay. I just don't know what to do with that head.
• The Narrator tries to wrap things up before Cacophony returns, but she did leave him with everyone's twitter handles and email addresses—much to his confusion.

Episode 16 - Dargaard Keep (The Fallen Jammer pt.3)

• To keep his skull safe, Solvin clips it into the bathysphere with a seatbelt.
• Kit drops a handout of Tekkaris' notes on Cacophony and Tuatha, and Jake flinches just because it's so long.
• Kit takes over the "Tuatha didn't go to that class" gag by saying she was there, but paid more attention to painting her nails than anything academic.
• Aelfgifu, Mara, and Solvin roll stealth checks. Solvin, with a combination of good rolls and bonuses, gets a 39.
  Kit: Okay you disappear from the campaign.
  Shannon: I have gone to another dimension, goodbye my friends.
  Alan: Now we have to figure out how to bring Void into The Fallen Gods.^*From The Chimera Program
  Jake: No crossovers, banned.
  Shannon: I'm in the blinds watching you, or whatever the hell is happening in Interstellar.
• As the party climbs the staircase they see an Elven woman.
  Kit: Very beautiful, very dead.
  Annie: Very goth.
  Shannon: The ultimate goth: dead.
• Tuatha moving after her turn in roll20.
  Jake: Am I under Flint again?
  Kit: You are under Flint again.
  Alan: I'm not saying anything.
• The Draconian's turn comes around.
  Kit: Let me just double check what these guys do...ooh!
  Annie: Oh no.
  Kit: Who was the biggest pest last turn?
• Since she already used a bonus action on her turn, Cacophony cannot use Healing Word as one as well. But what she can do is do a flip and shove a healing potion into Flint's mouth.
• Jylliana finally reconnects with Ethla and is able to fly back to the tower after the battle with a pair of shining spectral angel wings.
  Solvin: Cool, does that mean you can heal me now?

The Fallen Gods 019: Split the Party (The Fallen Jammer pt. 4)

• The Lady Tika has to take over for the Narrator after he falls asleep, tuckered out after recounting the very long tale.
• When Jylliana runs to catch a falling Tuatha.
  Annie: There's something I wanna do.
  Alan: Do it.
  Annie: I wanna catch her Superman Lois Lane-style.
  *everyone laughs*
  Jylliana: I've got you.
  Tuatha: Then who's got you?
• Jylliana tries to prioritize healing by asking if anyone is going to bleed out in ten minutes, yes or no, right now.
  Tuatha: Flint a lot of your blood is on the outside.
  Flint: I'm fine.
  • Then Josh asks what would happen if Flint chugged his three vials of black dragon blood, and everyone quickly tells him he would die.
• Tuatha didn't realize that they fought the dragon and T'karis on the moon and not on Krynn. Except no, it turns out Jake Mason the human man thought that they went back to the moon to fight them. It's a full three minutes of everyone killing themselves laughing while Jake tries to defend himself. After a while Josh also points out he also thought he was on the moon. But at least Shannon was paying attention.
  Shannon: Solvin knows we're not on the moon.
  Annie: At least somebody does!
  Kit: How is that the bar we're setting? "Knows we're not on the moon".
  Josh: Hi, welcome to the Cool Kids Table. Have you listened to this show?
  • Tuatha is so pissed off at everything she's had to go through she threatens to turn the moon into a pine cone.
  • The whole thing is played off as Flint and Tuatha failing a spot check and not realizing they're no longer on the moon.
• Tuatha loots a Ring of Flying off of T'karis, but Aelfgifu is able to guilt her into giving it to her since she landed the killing blow.
  Tuatha: I'm sure my party would get jealous of how cool my flying is anyway.
  Flint: I'd actually be cool with it.
  Tuatha: Don't rub it in Flint!
• Tuatha stuffs T'karis' dress in her bag while prestidigitating the blood and gore off of it. Something nasty still falls off of it.
  Solvin: Oh, but I'm gross when I put weird stuff in my bag.
  Tuatha: I cleaned this first, you put wet meat in your bag!
  Kit: I'm gonna write some Kindle porn called Put Wet Meat in Your Bag.
  Shannon: Does it help that it was a tongue?
  Kit: Yeah! It really does.
  Maq: I've read weirder.
  *distant moaning*
  Kit: I think I broke Annie.
  • As they get into the topic of what it would be called if Chuck Tingle wrote the story, Kit points out that their mother is still present.
  Vicki: I'm not a mother tonight, just ignore me!
• Trying to figure out a pub they can go to, they can only think of the one where Flint got beaten up by a waiter or the when where he saw a ghost and got scared.
  Flint: There's gotta be somewhere we can go where I haven't been punked on yet...
  Tuatha: It's a tradition at this point.
• Alan describes the bar they go to as "where high-end people go to get turnt."
  • Tuatha and Solvin leave it as soon as they realize that Mara knows the owners, because they still don't like her and would rather be in a place a little shittier. Shannon suggests one that looks like the "Blow" music video. Mara knows the owners there too.
• Tuatha complains out loud about having too much money and not knowing what to do with it. Captain Bondar suggests paying to repair the hole that she and her party punched in the Kestrel.
  Tuatha: I'll give you some cash. Be cool, Alayna!
  Captain Bondar: To you it's Captain Bondar.
  Tuatha: We're not on your ship anymore, you're Alayna now!
  Jylliana: I don't think she was ever Alayna, actually.
  Tuatha: Alana?
  Jylliana I'm not helping.
  Tuatha: Alanis!
  *Captain Bondar stares at her blankly*
  Tuatha: Let's get you a beer!
• There's a decent bard playing at the pub. Cacophony tries to accompany them, but is so good that she ends up taking over the set and he ends up accompanying her.
  • During this Maq takes a look at her instrument proficiencies. Of course she has viol and harmonica, but it turns out she also has bagpipes. And starts using them to play "Wonderwall".
• During the Dance Party Ending, Tuatha ends up dancing with Mr. Hurst.
• Flint somehow manages to ace his performance roll when he tries to dance, and everyone says it's basically dance fighting. Or hip-hop-kido.
• Aelfgifu chooses not to participate in the dancing because Vicki is pretty sure if she tried it'd just be the little kicks (which does cause Annie to clap in delight). So instead she gets drunk and tries to fly away with her new ring.
  • Fortunately Kara grabs her and pulls her back into the bar, so she starts dancing and flying. She winds up on the ceiling.
• When Mr. Hurst takes Aelfgifu to bed, Tuatha tells him to throw her to Solvin. He does so, literally, leading her to collide with the elf while he's wine-mom dancing.
• The next morning, hungover Solvin hides under a table while reenacting the fight with the dragon using his skulls as puppets.
• Captain Bondar has heard of the Unity, the Spelljammer that the Fallen Gods crew were on a little bit ago. Since they're pirates, she doesn't want to associate with them. The Fallen Gods crew try to defend themselves by pointing out they definitely didn't do anything to help them, and didn't even want to go through that portal.
  Solvin: I wanted to go to Hell but no one else wanted to go. It looked fun!
  Alan: Alan really wanted you to go to Hell because then he could've been Raestlin Majere.
  Kit: Annie really wants me to go to Hell, but for unrelated reasons.
  • Cacophony thanks Captain Bondar for not throwing any of them in a box and forcing them to pilot the Spelljammer. Jylliana muses that putting Cacophony in a box every so often would make things a little quieter.
• When Alan asks Shannon what Solvin's brother looks like, she pauses before saying that he kinda looks like Marluxia, which causes the entire table to lose it.
• As they're leaving, Jylliana stops in a bookstore and buys the Dragonlance novels because she likes historical fiction.
• The last exchange between the two parties before they part ways.
  Tuatha: Hey Lachlan!
  Lachlan: Yeah?
  Tuatha: Jyll's carrying a real torch for you so you gotta put that out one way or another.
  Jylliana: WHAT?!
  Tuatha: See you later byyyyeeee!
  • And as they lift off, Jylliana asks her comrades to just throw her off the side of the ship.
• Just before they leave the atmosphere, Cacophony transforms back into Xilwyn by tearing her outfit off and launching her bra off the ship at the Fallen Gods party.

Providence Bay (episodes 17-24)

Episode 17 - Smutty Book Club

• Cacophony is feeling a little peckish after the events of the crossover, so she heads to the kitchen and tries to throw together a McGriddle. Kit argues that Finn's standards are too high to allow those on board.
  Cacophony: There's gotta be, like, a freezer of breakfast sandwiches to get people to shut up sometimes.
  • Cacophony is munching on a McGriddle the entire time she's talking with the Captain, even though it's a serious talk about whether to meet with an infamous Pirate Lord to accept a job. Also:
  Cacophony: Anyone mind if I undress while we're here?
  Aelfgifu: What?!
  Jylliana: Yes.
• The Captain describes the Pirate Lord Rhydion as someone dramatic who likes to throw parties, causing Cacophony to immediately want to experience him. She also appreciates the irony in the party (who have never heard of him) meeting someone used to their reputation preceding them.
• Jylliana asks the Captain if anyone else knows about the World Eater situation and that the previous captain was investigating it. Then they hear a muffled cough from Cacophony just around the corner.
  • Captain Bondar agrees to tell everyone so that they're all on the same page, then realizes that as Captain she can delegate and tells Jylliana to do it.
  Jylliana: I don't even have a rank!
  • When Jylliana finds Xilwyn, she's in the middle of organizing her smutty book collection.
  Xilwyn: Do you think I should arrange in alphabetical order, just general smut books; or should I arrange them by type first? Put weird undead Dracula romances here, and put strange men who have weird mating rituals here (I'm not entirely sure), and then put the lovely Draconian types here, and alphabetical order at that point? Opinions? Thoughts?
  Jylliana: *stunned silence*
• Cacophony, Jylliana, and Veli start a smutty book club.
  Kit: I so want there to be in among the smut books one about a beautiful, chaste priestess—
  Annie: Oh for fuck's sake.
  Kit:—and a rugged half-orc—
  Annie: Oh for fuck's sake Kit!
  Kit:—rugged half-orc that captures her heart!
  Maq: You can bet that Cacophony bought at least three of those.
  Annie: Aw, fuck. Dammit.
  Maq: And for some reason we read those three in a row!
  • Cacophony asks Lachlan, directly to his face, how big Half-Orc cock is. He walks away immediately, and Jylliana turns so red steam comes off of her.
• Jylliana gets smacked by a baby Krajen stuck to the hull, and Lachlan tells her to kill it before it gets too big to be a problem. Aelfgifu suddenly appears and coos "Aww, but it's a baby!"
• Jylliana is averse to using a moderately nice handkerchief of Lachlan's to clean Krajen goo off her hammer, worried that he's subtly offering her a token. Then she finds out it's actually one Tuatha gave him while she was drunk, and she starts cleaning the hammer with a little bit more force than necessary.
• Aelfgifu, unsure of what to do during the two weeks to the edge of Krynn Space, is offered to join the Smutty Book Club by Cacophony. Aelfgifu doesn't know what smut is. As such Cacophony has to start her out slow with something vanilla instead of lesbian dragon romances or sexy fish people (which are admittedly more fantastic than educational).
  Aelfgifu: I can come to you with any questions, right?
  Cacophony: Absolutely! And I promise to actually take them seriously.
• The crew get the "Absolutely No Fucking Fire in the Phlogiston" speech again, even though they don't need it. Maq compares it to an airline hostess.
  Kit: In the event that the ship is on fire, here are the emergency ex—there aren't any, because the ship is on fire!
• Kit refers to the Phlogiston as the Rainbow Connection again, and Annie curses in the distance.
• Xilwyn tells Mr. Hurst he should learn how to scam people at cards because he looks so innocent and could easily shark people. Kit points out that he would hippo them.
  Annie: I wanna see his big, fat hippo hands try and do the shell-game.

Episode 18 - YOU Look Like a Dick!

• Xilwyn needs a wisdom saving throw to avoid begin posessed by a ghost.
  Maq: I like those. Those are fine. *rolls die* Nevermind, I got a nat 1. I don't like those.
  ** Her reaction after the ghost turns her into Cacophony and begins attacking the rest of the crew is "Sweet! Time to murder my friends!"
• Aelfgifu reaction to this.
  Aelfgifu: What can I do with a possessed Cacophony? I mean, Cacophony alone is a lot to take on, but a possessed one? Oh my god!
  Jylliana: Punch her! Punch her and don't feel bad about it!
  Aelfgifu: Can you heal her after I kill this possessing being?
  Jylliana: I'll give it a shot.
  Aelfgifu: "Give it a shot"?!
• Annie is concerned that somebody in the party is going to get killed and doesn't want to blow her Revivify diamond on a ghost attack.
• Maq "helpfully" comments that the last two people to die in her other campaigns also perished due to possessions.
• Jylliana tries and fails "Turn Undead" against the ghost.
  Jylliana: I'm supposed to be able to do this! Unfortunately I'm a shitty cleric and we'll just have to punch her a lot.
  • Then she summons Spiritual Weapon, which has a suggestive appearance on the game board.
  Maq: Your spiritual weapon looks like a dick.
  Annie: YOU look like a dick!
• After the ghost fails several rolls to hit, Vicki suggests it's because Cacophony is Fighting from the Inside. The response is Sure, Let's Go with That.
• Aelfgifu tries to trick Jylliana into taking hits for her.
  Aelfgifu: Oh, you saw that, huh?
  Jylliana: How long have we known each other?
  Aelfgifu: Hey! I lived the law of the jungle! Survival of the fittest! Now get up here.
  Jylliana: You lived in a swamp!
• Jylliana tries to get rid of the ghost by telling it to get the fuck out.
  Jylliana: If I can't turn it the least I can do is yell at it!
• Aelfgifu takes out the ghost.
  Vicki: You know what I do? I slash and I slash and I take my sword and I spin three hundred and twenty—sixty—whatever!—degrees and I slash it again.
• While everyone seems occupied, Jylliana tries to sneak one of the half-orc smut novels into her quarters for a private reading. She almost gets caught when Cacophony calls out to her, but she manages to finally dip. The next thing the party hears is a book being thrown against a wall.
• The party comes across a world that looks mostly made of gas.
  Maq: Ominous.
  Vicki: It's Jupiter.
  Annie: It's ascending.
• Kara comes back with a gilded envelope smelling faintly of cologne. Cacophony notes that if this man was a woman she would seduce him.
  • The envelope is an invitation to a party that the captain is throwing...for himself.
  • Kara also states they should probably to go outfit shopping for this reception. Cue Cacophony's Big "YES!".

Episode 19 - The Shopping Episode

• Cacophony immediately calls the reception "Space Prom". She manages to convince Jylliana to join in with the offer of a mani-pedi, and Aelfgifu is basically dragged along against her will.
  • She also claims she's capable of being reasonable when it comes to fashion. Jylliana points out she once dressed up as a Hamburglar. Cacophony counters that Jylliana could never pull off such an outfit.
• Outside of the game, the concept of "Space Prom" came up two months prior to this episode's recording. Maq sends Kit a list of dress ideas she had, and judging by the reactions there are a lot. Annie's pretty sure Maq had been preparing ever since the subject came up.
• Cacophony managed to select several dresses for her and her companions to try on, not to see which ones look good on them, but to see what they look like on people and have an interesting fashion show. She specifically tells them that the real dresses that they'll be wearing will be saved for the reveal at the party itself.
• Jylliana tries on a dress that Cacophony picked out for her, and is aghast at how short and skimpy it is.
  Kit: The skirt goes the opposite direction that most skirts are supposed to.
  Annie: Down?!
  • Dress 2.
  Jylliana: I look like I'm on fire, but not in a hot way. I look like I'm actually combusting. If we were anywhere near the phlogiston I would be thrown overboard immediately.
• AE's first dress has some strange clamshell design around it, and Jylliana describes it as "a day at the beach gone wrong".
  • Dress 2, which has some kind of whooshy, fighting fish look and nothing in the way of straps.
  Aelfgifu: What's holding this thing up? Hope?
  Cacophony: Magic, dear.
  • Aelfgifu ends up wanting something akin to her final dress, even though it's incredibly shiny and has very large shoulder pads, because she knows where she could store her short swords and longbow in it. She also asks for part of one of the dresses Cacophony tried on because of the metal breastplate.
• The stinger is Maq pausing the episode in order to delete some of the dress designs she'd saved for the episode. She had so many that her computer was slowing down and running out of memory!

Episode 20 - Attempts at Brunch

• The episode's title comes from the fact that seemingly nobody in Providence Bay knows what brunch is. Evidently Stormhaven is the only place that's invented it, and it's possibly their only technological innovation.
  • Other than the mechanical octopuses.
• The party finds a pub called The Spicy Tuba, where their options on the menu are "food" and "beer". They manage to make do, getting the Tortle bartender to mix the beer with fruit juice and call it a mimosa.
  • The pub gets it's name from an actual tuba that the bartender keeps behind the bar.
  Kara: Don't let him play the tuba.
  Jylliana: Is it spicy?
  Kara: It's too spicy.
  • Of course, as soon as this is said, Cacophony starts scheming about getting the bartender to play it.
• There are no mani-pedis in this port either. The only options they seem to find are a store called "Potions Potions Potions", or another store called "Stuff".
  • Stuff turns out to be an antique mall, and the further they go in the harder it is for them to find the exit.
  Jylliana: I'm pretty sure we've walked by this display of racist old-timey figurines before.
  • They end up needing Aelfgifu's survival abilities to escape the store.
  Aelfgifu: You need a ranger along all the time!
• When Xilwyn starts the mani-pedis, she reveals she brought a case full of basically infinite nail polishes.
• To help Jylliana get her mind off of Lachlan, Xilwyn shares a story of how she gave a rose to a woman she was attracted to, and the woman mistook it as a favour because she was a gardener.
  Jylliana: Wow. She just used it for clippings?
• Cacophony encourages Jylliana that Lachlan cares for her, because he actively seeks her our to talk to. Unlike Cacophony herself, who he tries his best to avoid at all times.
  • Jylliana is concerned because he accepted a token from Tuatha, but Cacophony ensures that he absolutely doesn't know what that is or what it means.
• Cacophony doesn't know how non-elf ages work and has to ask if the 23-year-old Jylliana is an adult.
  • Aelfgifu doesn't know how old she is, but the way she phrases it makes Jylliana worried that she'd been adventuring and hanging around in bars with a child.
  • Cacophony is 358. Aelfgifu calls her "well preserved". Jylliana calls her a mom.
• Cacophony shows up wearing a sweater for "Jemjammer University". It's the latest in several university clothes she's worn.
  Jylliana: How many universities have you gone to?
  Kara: Are you kidding? She looks like she dropped out of four community colleges.
  Jylliana: Except the college of glamour!
  Cacophony: It was actually six. I guess technically the sixth one I got kicked out of. Did you know it's illegal to perform on top of the administration building?
  • Followed by Annie shouting "Glamour Hooouuuse!"

Episode 21 - Space Prom

• Cacophony is wearing an overdramatic goofy dress with layers of twill and spool that make her look like a gigantic cupcake.
  • Oh but don't worry, Cacophony hid a second dress underneath the first dress. Annie calls it like a transforming barbie doll.
• Captain Rhydion starts to go up the stairs, then turns to a footman and says "where's the carpet?" Then the footman stomps on the stairs and the stairs flip around to reveal a red carpet surface. And in real life, Annie slams her hands on the table.
  Annie: You magnificent bitch! You did the Hook thing!
• Annie, knowing exactly who her DM is, asks Kit what Captain Rhydion is. Kit assures her he's just an average human. Two minutes later she has Jylliana encounter Max the sexy werewolf.
• When Cacophony goes to dance, she tears away her second dress to reveal a third dress.
• The party is summoned to talk to Captain Rhydion, and Cacophony happily announces she can now change into her sexy outfit. For those at home keeping score, this is outfit number four. Rather than a dress it's actually a pinstripe suit with a white shirt and suspenders. Somehow this fit underneath her very formfitting third dress.
  Kit: Oh no, Mackenzie, it's lesbian kryptonite!
• Max tries to follow the party on their way back to the ship, but he critically fails his stealth check and trips over a trash can before falling into them.
  • He explains he wanted to suavely tell them about the pirate ambush ahead of them, and Cacophony gives him advice.
  Cacophony: Max, what you need to do is put your hand on Jylliana's shoulder and say it very seductively.
  Jylliana: What.
  Max: Oh, alright. *seductively* There's three bloodthirsty pirates waiting ahead of you on the street to try and rob you.
  Cacophony: Now wink.
  Max: What?
  Cacophony: And then disappear into the shadows. You can recover from this, you just have to always be ready.

Episode 22 - The Spicy Tuba

• Max politely saying "excuse me" while he squeezes past the others in the alleyway before he runs to attack the pirates.
• After Aelfgifu pops in and out of reality a few times, they decide her magic ring from Krynn is to blame. When it can't come off, Cacophony claims it's either cursed or she needs butter.
• As Max rests his head in Jylliana's hand long after she's finished healing him, Aelfgifu stands there doing mental math and figuring some stuff out. Cacophony simply yells out "book club!" from a distance.
• As Jylliana boards the ship, she spots Lachlan on deck very studiously not looking at her.
  Annie *distantly*: Oh my god! *while clapping* Does! It! Never! Stop?!
• Captain Bondar has a mug that says "World's Okayest Captain".
• While talking about Jylliana trying to scrub her makeup off, Kit explains to Annie that most waterproof makeup is oil-based, so Jylliana could use bacon grease to take off her face from last night.
  Kit: That's why you can wear long-wear lipstick and it'll stay all night, but the moment you start eating bacon it'll melt off.
  Annie: What a common experience that I've definitely had.
• A brief talk of Cacophony's walk of shame comes up, but the key points are that 1) Cacophony has no shame and 2) it doesn't matter anyway, she had a fifth outfit on underneath the last one.
• Cacophony points out that Jylliana has gotten herself stuck in a love triangle between herself, Max, and Lachlan. Jylliana is so flustered and desperate to change the topic of conversation that she agrees to pay for Cacophony's brunch for the second day in the row.
• While wondering aloud why nobody on a pirate planet seems to know how to cook seafood, Maq asks if there are any pirates nearby.
  Kit: Yeah, there is, one who's trying to enjoy his breakfast in peace.
  Maq: That's not gonna happen, buddy!
  • They ask the pirate if there is a place they can procure fish. The pirate says they can, but they wouldn't be able to eat it, much to their confusion.

Episode 23 - Everything's Definitely Fine

• The moment Cacophony asks the bartender to play The Spicy Tuba instrument, everyone in the pub gives out a Big "NO!"
  • There is a flamethrower inside the tuba!
• Cacophony's latest hoodie is one she found in the Stuff store that reads "Pirate University".
  Jylliana: Did you pay for that at least?
  Cacophony:...probably.
• When Captain Rhydion says Max will be joining them to Pariah's territory, Jylliana starts letting out a low whimper. Xilwyn quickly uses a telepathic link to determine what she's trying to communicate, and sees the flirtatious encounters between her and Max from the past night overplayed with a Madness Mantra of "oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck".
• Rio's new character Arturos is introduced as being hungover and swept away with the trash by Chastity the bartender. When Max tells him he'll be accompanying several beautiful women on an adventure, he's immediately sober.
• Rio is also rather short compared to the rest of the cast.
  Arturos: How could you do this to me, Universe?
  Max: Artie, are you blaming the gods for being short again?
  Arturos: You shouldn't be so high!
  Max: I can put my shoes down and put my knees in them if that's what you want Artie!
  Arturos: You say that but you never commit.
  • Xilwyn offers Artie some spare heels so that he's not so short. He tries the gaudy ones, but they're too tall and he gets them stuck between the floorboards.
  • Finn is shorter than Artie, and Artie declares him his new best friend.
  Arturos: Such a cute little muppet.
• Jylliana asks Xilwyn to check out a nightclub which might hold answers to Aelfgifu's cursed ring. Unfortunately, Xilwyn is in a winter mood. It makes her cynical and willing to morosely follow any order given. Annie describes it as emo mode.
  • As they step into Gehenna.
  Maq: How much "oonts" can I hear?
  Kit: No "oonts". You do hear a piano, though.
  Maq: Oh, this is a lame club.

Episode 24 - Tip Well, Especially For Babes

• Club Gehenna's proprietor explains Aelfgifu's situation as different from a classic curse, " not the kind of thing that your average two-bit acolyte in an alleyway would be able to fix." Elsewhere, Jylliana feels vaguely insulted and she doesn't know why.
• While Xilwyn has been seeking out answers for Aelfgifu and Jylliana has been supervising Max as he decodes the notes on the World Eater, Arturos has been...learning about houses of cards from Mr. Hurst.
  Arturos: It's amazing you can do such a thing with such big hands.
  Mr. Hurst: Well I try to be gentle. I'm surrounded by small people all the time and it's not nice to hurt them.
  Arturos: Oh, I know exactly what you mean.
  Kit: He looks like he's about to say something, then the part of the brain that says "no you gotta be nice to people" shuts that off.
• Jylliana is surprised at how overt Arturos' flirting with Xilwyn is. Xilwyn is surprised that Jylliana was able to spot flirting when she saw it at all.
• Max tries to take a break in the cargo hold, and is met with Xilwyn trying to teach herself how to play "House of the Rising Sun" on the Harmonica.
  • Maq is quick to remind everyone that the reason Xilwyn is having trouble is because she's never played the song before, not because she lacks skill. She is proficient at harmonica, alongside viol and bagpipes.
  • Kit adds that the bagpipes will come in handy when they go to a Highlander planet. Which is not based on actual highlanders, but on highlander romance novels.
  Kit: There are a lot of young lords who must marry in order to maintain control of their estate.
  Rio: And at least one is a sexy werewolf.
  Annie: So is there gonna be a planet that's just full of Darcys or what?
  Kit: I can arrange it.
• Jylliana wants to buy some armour mending tools, and Kit decides they need to go check how much those cost.
  Kit (in the distance): See what you're doing Annie! You're making me get the book!
  Annie: Wow! I'm sorry! I thought I wanted to live in a fully immersive world!
  Kit: Jesus Christ, I can't believe you're making me do this.
  Annie: We can do it later! You can just tell me later and we can subtract it!
  Kit: Nope! Nope! Gotta do it now!
  Annie: Oh my god, we can hand wave this!
  Kit: Look at it this way, I wasn't torturing you with hot boys.
• Xilwyn grumpily changes into Cacophony. Goth Cacophony. "Cagothony". Her mood is now so bad that she repeats an outfit that everyone's seen before. On the flipside, she's still dramatic enough that she changes into Cacophont solely for the purpose of walking several feet from her room to the forecastle before turning back into Xilwyn.
• Max tries to explain the Starwardens as "if you're naughty in space they come get you". He then revises that they're like interstellar park rangers who take you away if you litter in space.
  • He also mentions how pirates are the most superstitious group in space. He's managed to extort plenty of money out of others by claiming that they're "haunted". Including Arturos, who was convinced after Max made a few banging noises on his wall.
• Jylliana belatedly realizes that Bondar only delegated the task of telling people about the previous captain's World Eater investigation because she didn't want to have to tell Hurst that the captain kept a secret from him. He's just so nice and so good at guilt tripping.
  Captain Bondar: If we ever need to interrogate somebody we should just have Mr. Hurst be disappointed in them.
• Arturos' idea of helping with laundry is barging into the room, tell them to move everything a little to the left, and leaving again.

Vesper (episodes 25-28)

Episode 25 - Don't Be Cry

• Arturos tries to communicate with the Delphinids, even though Tritons can only share simple ideas with water-breathing animals (not mammals). It amounts to kissing noises.
  • When informed that the Delphinids only barely understand him and he can't understand them, his response is "aw, beans".
  • Also, Jylliana thinks they're cute based on the description. She is later corrected.
  Annie: Oh that's bad. *beat* I'm gonna pet it.
  Kit: It's second edition art, there's room for improvement.
  Rio: I like my version better, it was more Lisa Frank.
  • Jylliana does spend the entire sequence hoping that the delphinids don't act like normal dolphins. By the end Arturos agrees, but mentions that that manner of dolphin behaviour can be fun at certain parties. Jylliana is, understandably, concerned.
• Jylliana's arachnophobia rears up when Max mentions they're headed to a planet full of dark elves and she starts worrying about the possibility of spider iconography. Max has to talk her down and explain that they're culturally different from the usual drow.
• Max reiterates that he was sent on the mission because he, like the Kestrel crew, is expendable to Captain Rhydion. Arturos happily points out that he is often left behind, and Max confirms that the Triton will likely be left behind again.
  • Also, Arturos believes every is his friend. All Jylliana can do is sigh heavily.
• As they wander the surface of Vesper, Cacophony wishes someone could quickly paint her portrait in the aesthetic background while she poses. Then she wonders what she could do if there was a way to make many rapid portraits and share them to gain a following.
  Kit: Oh god, Cacophony is an Insta-thotty.

Episode 26 - The White Manor

• The titular building is incredibly ostentatious against the surrounding humble fishing village, being made of opulent white marble and not even attempting to blend in. They're that extra.
  Cacophony: They have my design aesthetic.
  Arturos: They have my design aesthetic.
  Jylliana: Oh I hate it. You're both like that.
• The repeated stealth failures as the crew try to sneak in.
  • The first time everyone rolls high except for Cacophony. Aelgfifu pops in and accidentally shoves Cacophony into the mud, causing her to loudly moan about ruining her white outfit and prestidigitation it clean. An arrow whizzes past them as she argues with Jylliana.
  Jylliana (to Max): I would say we're normally not like this but yes we're normally like this. Sorry.
  Max: I'm going to die today.
  • The second time, as they try and sneak around the back, Max rolls a one, and another arrow flies right at them. Arturos blames it on Max.
  Arturos: Stop running into me!
  Max: You're so short I can barely see you!
  Arturos: That's a lie and you know it!
  • This sequence also includes Jylliana calling Max "Fido".
• Arturos' plan is to charm his way into the house.
  Arturos: Whenever I go into places most people, you know, like me. *beat* At first.
  • What's more, this works, mainly because the guards are so unsure at how to respond to a direct request to see the interior that they just go along to see what happens.
• Cacophony is able to repeatedly charm, Enthrall, or Suggest every guard the group come across and gains access to the entire house, including the secret passageway leading to Blackjammer's Sword. Kit has to completely restructure the session because this was not what they had planned. And Rio and Annie lose their minds in the background.
  Kit: Fucking bards! It's fine, it's all fine. This is why we play D&D you guys. To watch all my fucking plans go out the window. It's fine.
  Arturos: I am horrified by our new companions.
  Max: *busy having an existential crisis*
  • Jylliana is loving this, even though she doesn't know how to deal with a plan going off so easily.
  Jylliana: I'm not accustomed to optimism and this bubble could pop at any moment.
• Maq forgot Blackjammer's name and switches between calling him Blackbeard and Beardjammer.
• The crew try and figure out if the pillow that the sword is laid on is trapped.
  Arturos: What if I grab it and a bowling ball comes down?
  Jylliana: A...what? Bowling ball?
  Arturors: I've been near some very troublesome children.
• When something starts attacking the guards off-screen, Cacophony announces that she has a plan.
  Jylliana: What else can you possibly pull out of your ass this morning?
  Cacophony: Almost all my spells are charm spells, I want you to know.
  Jylliana: I was pretty sure that sentence was gonna complete "almost all my spells come out of my ass".
  Cacophony: That's not a lie!
  • While the plan (Hypnotic Pattern) does make things somewhat better, it does also block the party into the alcove while the guards are wholesale slaughtered.
• Kit rolls an intelligence check to see if a guard does something stupid. He does.
  Maq: He's not throwing away his shot!
  Rio: When you're young scrappy and hungry you just have to go for it.
  Maq: He should really learn to wait for it, Rio.
  Annie: *deep sigh*
  • Cacophony shouts encouragement from the sidelines, which Annie compares to a soccer mom on the sidelines drinking a mimosa and calling "you can do it sweetie!"
• In the stinger, Rio sings.
  Rio: D&D ad thingy! It helps you DM! Control your monkeys! And watch them burn!

Episode 27 - A Few of my Least Favorite Things

• Rio asks what Arturo can see, and Annie counters by asking how tall the soldiers are.
  Artie: *on tippy toes* Why don't they duck?
• Kit lets Annie have anxiety as her bonus action.
• Cacophony assures Jylliana that she can get the sword out of the room.
  Cacophony: Say ostensibly that we were moving in turns? I would be out of the room by the end of my next one.
  Jylliana: If we all sat down, did this civilly, and took turns, then I guess so?
• Artie's attempts to turn the wind off include "clap off". It doesn't work.
• As Kit plays D&D against themself, thanks to Cacophony's shenanigans, they tell Maq that she's grounded.
  Annie: I love when the bullshit works in our favour.
• Jylliana figures out a way to get out of the room quickly, but it leaves Arturo behind.
  Rio: I mean, think about it this way: does Jyll actually care.
  Maq: She would.
  Annie: That's the problem. Jyll cares. That's her major character flaw.
  Rio: Mmm. See mine's that I'm real dumb.
  Annie: Yes, that makes it very difficult.
  Maq: Mine is that I'm horny.
  Kit: Oh God I hate you people so fucking much.
  Maq: Rather, that's Cacophony's flaw. Wyn's flaw is that she just wants to scam anybody who looks very scammable.
  Rio: Rio's flaw is that they're very horny.
  Annie: We know, Rio.
• Jylliana has exceedingly good luck getting out of the room without getting hit by any attacks of opportunity.
  Kit: You have the luck of the gods. Ethla is with you.
  Maq: Shenanigans! Our shenanigans are working!
• Maq's charmed soldiers fail to do any damage on their turns.
  Kit: Your fanboys kind of suck.
  Maq: That's okay, I love them anyway. I am no fair-weather soccer mom.
  Kit: They are all going out for ice cream after this. They're all getting McFlurries!
• Wyn shows up in another new sweater: Conclave of the Silvery Moon College of 1918.
• Wyn jokingly asks Max if he's secretly a Vodoni prince. Max's stunned reaction makes everyone realize that he really is.

Episode 28 - Did You Get Gayer?

• Due to ongoing medical concerns, the role of Aelfgifu is being taken over by Alexi Peppers. Also Rio is still here because they fed them and now they'll never leave.
  Rio: At least one of you I know where you live.
• When Aelfgifu does pop back in, she advises them not to hand her anything important in case she's zapped away again. Like a baby.
  • Also, her hair looks very shiny and Wyn compliments her on it.
  • She pulls Aelfgifu aside as Jylliana confronts Max.
  Wyn: Lets just watch this drama unfold and be prepared to not be part of it.
• During Jylliana's ensuing panic attack because of everything, Artie is sent to fetch a blanket.
  Artie: Oh thank goodness.
  Wyn: The one thing he's qualified to do!
  • Aelfgifu tries to comfort her by patting her head like a horse and saying "there there". Wyn does double finger guns.
  • After being told she's the smartest, Jylliana doubts that.
  Jylliana: If I had a sheet in front of me that listed all my attributes I don’t think I'd be the smartest one.
  • She also blames the whole mess on being associated with pirates. Even though Artie isn't around, he fells offended.
• When the party goes to get snacks they find out that Fin is furious with Max for lying to them and endangering the crew, but he makes them a large charcuterie board because he believes it fixes everything.
  Annie: Hell yeah adult lunchables!
  • When asked if she eats food, Veli (a plant person) replies that she could probably eat the crew members if thet die and start to decompose. Wyn's reply is just "neat!"
• Despite his objections, Wyn and Aelfgifu repeatedly accuse him of being another secret prince.
• As time goes on, Aelfgifu begins excitedly announcing that she's lasted four hours without disappearing. And that her hair is very soft and it's great. Though she still refuses to hold anything.
  Annie: Can Aelfgifu even tell time?
  Alexi: That's a good point. There's no sun...
  Annie: We gotta get her hooked up with a watch!
• When Cacophony gathers the whole crew on deck for a meeting, she has to literally drag Jylliana up there because she doesn't want to deal with the situation.
  Cacophony: It's been twenty four hours.
  Jylliana: What do you think I've been replaying in my head for the past twenty four hours?!
  Cacophony: Remember that whole "don't torture yourself for twenty four hours" thing? Let's go!
  • She then forces Jylliana front and center to stop her from escaping. Aelfgifu stands on the other side to help box her in.
  Jylliana: Do you feel like blipping right now?
  Aelfgifu: I remember the last time I spoke to you, and it was actually the last time I spoke to you. In time? I had breakfast.
  Jylliana: I know, I was there.
  Aelfgifu: Have you felt my hair? It's still soft!
  • Artie was just napping because there's nothing to do and he does not read.
  Alexi: Does not or cannot?
  Rio: I will not answer that question.
  Annie: We gotta get this guy some crafts.
• Fin raises his hand to ask a question, but then just flips Max off.
  • In the middle of getting Max's backstory, Aelfgifu asks if he can turn into a wolf.
  Aelfgifu: Is it that you were a wolf and someone kissed you, and then you became a man-wolf-prince?
  Cacophony: Yes, what romance novel would you be in?
• When Max realizes he needs to check if his family is still safe, the party immediately offers to help him, even after he tells them that he's trying to do this quietly. It goes back and forth a bit before...
  Kit: This is the DM telling you this isn't a quest! This is a way to get him out of the game temporarily!
  Cacophony: Fine! Alright!
  Aelfgifu: We've changed our minds!
  • When discussing how he'd get back in touch with them if he needs to be rescued via "dramatic drive by", everyone tries to figure out if the postal serivce exists in wildspace.
  Aelfgifu: There aren't, like, interstellar homing pigeons?
  Artie: What's a pigeon?
  Max: I mean there are but they're expensive.
  Aelfgifu: There are? Can I meet one?
  Max:...If we find one I'll let you know.
  Artie: Max? What's a pigeon.
  Max: *sigh* Remember that one time I explained birds to you?
  • Cacophony, who had enacted her busybody powers to start the ship meeting to begin with, enacts them again to get everyone who isn't Jyll and Max to leave again.
  • Max apologizing.
  Max: Jyll I'm sorry for lying to you for a really long time. And giving you a hard time about what exactly my deal was and confusing you because it was funny. And then hitting on the guy you like because I thought it was funny.
  • He then clarifies that he finds Lachlan hot too.
  • And while they have a legitimate conversation about their feelings and Max admits that he picked Jyll to dance with because she's pretty, but he also likes spending time with her (and she with him)...
  Artie: When are they going to kiss?
  Max: I heard that Artie!
  Aelfgifu: Will we be able to hear it if they kiss?
  Cacophony: No, we won't.
  Aelfgifu: So how will we know?
  Artie: You'll just feel it. In your...gills.
  Aelfgifu: They could be kissing right now!
  Cacophony: I don't think they are.
  Jylliana: They're right there, aren't they?
  Max: Yeah they are literally right there. If I had a piece of paper in front of me that said all of the things I can do, one of them would be my keen sense of hearing.
  Artie: Oh shit I forgot about his very keen sense of hearing.
  Cacophony: He's a wolfman! Of course he has a keen sense of hearing.
  Max: So are you guys just gonna hang out there or—
  Cacophony: Yes we're busybodies!
• After succesfully getting the sword to Rhydion and receiving their reward, Artie asks what his next mission is.
  Rhydion: You're next assignment is to go with them and enver come back.
  Artie: What?
  Jylliana: Beg pardon?
  Rhydion: Thanks to your great work I'm gifting you with Artie. You can have him.
  Artie: What?
  Rhydion: Congratualtions. It's a fish.
  Aelfgifu: I've always wanted a fish!
• In the stinger, Kit makes an offhand comment that prompts Maq to start singing all of "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies. Annie has to yell at her several times to get her to stop.
  Alexi: It's like Monty Python at a normal D&D game.

Castle Kronos (episodes 29-39)

Episode 29 - The Halloween Spooktacular, Part I

• Guest DM Chris Sims is introduced as "noted Dracula enthusiast".
  Annie: Of course, this is gonna go up like way after Halloween.
  Kit: Not way after, one day after.
  Chris: Keep the spirit of Halloween in your heart all year round, is what I say.
  Maq: I agree.
  Annie: No you don't, you say that about Christmas.
  Chris: It can be both!
  Alexi: You can hold many holidays in your heart simultaneously if you have a big enough heart!
  • If one happens to look ahead at the episodes that come after this, you'll find that the party ended up having to do exactly that for approximately five months.
• During Chris' dramatic reading of Lord Kronos' riddles to the party, somebody cracks up when he says "Violet begets violence".
• Whatever magic brought the group to this castle also put them all in Halloween costumes. Naturally, Cacophony is a sexy witch.
  Cacophony: This man has impeccable taste!
  Jylliana: WHAT?! JUST HAPPENED?!
  Kit: There's [audio] peak number two.
  • Aelfgifu is a sexy fairy, Jyll is a sexy devil (her hair has changed into a bob), and Artie is just wearing a bunch of leather and fishnets. Mr. Hurst is dressed as a Bedsheet Ghost, but the sheet isn't big enough and only covers his head.
• Jylliana gets frustrated that the others don't seem to realize that the entirely castle is booby-trapped.
  Jylliana: Figuring things out? That's a goal beyond "let's just stumble into everything that's wanting to kill us" because this place really feels like it wants to kill us.
  Aelfgifu: Everything wants to kill us!
  Jylliana: Ya I know, I know, I know, why do you think I'm like this?
• Upon discovering the suits of armor are stuffed with fresh corpses, Cacophony announces that that's what'll happen when they die in the castle. Everyone is very concerned that she said "when" rather than "if".
• As soon as Cacophony deduces that the next room is a parlour room, she bursts through because "that's usually where the alcohol is!"
• Grail the ghost appears and politely introduces herself to the party, or as she prefers, "pre-corpses".
  Cacophony: Victims is fine.
  Jylliana: Victims is not fine!
• Grail can't tell the party much about the Castle, but Lord Kronos calls it "an old-school dungeon crawl".
• When Artie turns over a card from the Deck of Fates titled "The Tempter", everyone erupts into a chorus of "hot boi!"
  • The card allows Artie to either get a good spell to affect him at any time, or a bad spell to hit him at that moment. Jylliana tries to convince him to pick a healing spell, but Aelfgifu convinces him to go with Polymorph under the argument that "maybe he'll become a dragon".
  Jylliana: You could also become even fishier than you already are.
  Artie: How dare you insinuate that!
  • Cacophony draws The Ghost, which causes her to forget everything about Jylliana. Chris describes her "first" impression of her as Cacophony "really wanting to She's All That her".
  • Artie accidentally draws The Wizard (Aelfgifu: Fuck a wizard!) and is cursed to speak in rhyme until they escape the castle.
• The stinger:
  Annie: Dear Jake Mason. Jake? Jake. Friend Jake. Jacob. I am so sorry. In advance. I'm probably gonna peak my audio like seven times. And it is all the fault of one Christopher J. Sims.
  Chris: It's a game of choices.
  Annie: Yuh-huh. Spider choices.
  Chris: Spiders can offer up to eight choices.
  Annie: Oh my god! Oh hey that's one.

Episode 30 - The Halloween Spooktacular, Part II

• Cacophony constantly declaring "Doors!" and traipsing through the castle whenever she can, despite Jylliana (who she doesn't remember) desperately begging her not to.
• When Cacophony refuses to believe Jyll is a member of the party, she tries to introduce everyone. Aelfgifu wonders if she and the others should play on, but Jyll is just put out by the whole situation.
• The enter a room with a flail snail, and they find it adorable because it's just blindly moving around the room like a roomba.
  • The room is full of statues that Chris describes as "visciously defaced", or "like when Goku hits the ground".
  Kit: I don't anime, I don't know what that means.
  Annie: Y'know, Goku?
  Rio: You shelved all those Dragon Ball Zs in the library Kit, you have to know Goku.
  Alexi: Please, it's Dragon Ball Zed here.
  Annie:Really? Really, Zed? That's terrible. Why do people do that? It's in the theme song, Alexi!
  Alexi: It's called patriotism!
  Annie:Okay at least we have Beast Wars, not Beasties!
• Annie knows a conservatory-like room is actually a chapel because she recognizes the map from a previous Chris-run campaign.
• When the fight starts, Cacophony urges Mr. Hurst to come into the room so that nothing can get out and hurt the snail.
• While fighting a Corpse Flower, a card Aelfgifu drew earlier causes it to become infatuated with her. It places a vine on her shoulder and gives her a look that says "Hey".
  Chris: This isn't how I expected this encounter to go?
  Annie: Welcome to Jemjammer, Chris! It's horny!
• Aelfgifu kisses the flower and demands that Chris describe it. Moisture level, texture, where the slime comes from?
• Chris also has to insist that the Corpse Flower is not joining the party.
• In order to stop Artie from touching a defnitely cursed tree, Cacophony just shoves him into her bosom.
  • When she determines there a lever deep in the water of the fountain in the room, Cacophony just dunks him into it.
  • He pulls the lever and all the water (with him in it) gets dumped somewhere. It sounds like a toilet flushing.
  Aelfgifu: Did you find something cool?
  *beat*
  Cacophony: Ostensibly, yes!

Episode 31 - The Christmas Spooktacular, Part I

• Chris describes the large room Artie finds himself in as having a forplan very good for running combat in.
• Aelfgifu is worried about potentially fighting skeletons.
  Jylliana: It's gonna be okay. You remember the wailers? Those were spooky skeleton guys and you were fine with those.
  Aelfgifu: Yes, I was there.
• Chris describes Mr. Hurst's nat 20 perception while investigating a statue of a beholder as him doing "zoom and enhance".
• Upon finding their own Prematurely Marked Graves, Aelfgifu's says "Herein lies Alv" and the it's scratched out and they start over underneath. It also holds a fascimile of her own corpse, which she tries to steal additional swords from (to no avail).
  • They find another door which says "Beyond this portal lies only pain (there is also pain in all surrounding areas)".
  • There are also tombs for multiple Lord Kronos'. Chronii? Chronopodes?
• Jyll recovers the diamond that was taken from her by the card she drew earlier, which means she now can cast Revivify.
  Chris: And now one of you can die and I won't feel bad!
  Annie: Okay you get one death though.
  Rio: Make it mine! I have a lot of Catholic guilt I can foist upon you.
• When they wonder whether Mr. Hurst's catacomb would have his full name on it, they realize they don't know it. Jylliana does: it's Eustace, middle name Elizabeth. After saying this they hear frantic chiselling from down the hall.
• They find two sarcophogi, and the lid of one is ajar—
  Annie: No it's a lid.
  Kit: Chris you can give her 2d6 psychic damage if you want.
  • It's filled with gold coins and gems, and the party realizes that one of the keys is in their but according to the riddle, "the sin that leads you to it may well be your undoing." Artie, who can't think of a rhyme, just starts prodding at them with his trident.
  Artie: It could be that it has a gem, but it could also be my end.
  Jylliana: That's not a...that doesn't...
  Cacophony: It's a slant rhyme.
  Jylliana: You're tired, let's get you away from the shiny.
• Jylliana belatedly remembers that the group already has their way lit because she's still wearing the Space Fun Helmet.

Episode 32 - The Christmas Spooktacular, Part II

• Cacophony gets paralyzed after pulling a lever, and when Mr. Hurst picks her up he finds that she's light as a feather but stiff as a board. Her costume also changes into Sexy Statue of Liberty.
• Chris starts singing to himself as he sets up the next encounter, and Annie points out that he does that whenever he's about to do something bad to the players.
• While fighting against a robot dragon, Aelfgifu gets hit pretty bad and Annie points out that Chris isn't allowed to kill her mommy's character. Maq says that she can die because she has plenty of back-ups, but Annie counters that at this point they have a vested interest in Cacophony's brand.
• After defeating the dragon, Kronos' voice booms through the catacombs.
  Kronos: Congratulations Adventureres! You have defeated one of my many Boss Monsters. But there are still seven gems to go. Thriller eyes!
• One room contains a taxidermied owlbear and a mysterious egg. Cacophony grabs it while Jyll chants "Mascot! Mascot! Mascot!"
• Another door has some small holes where something clear is leaking out. Cacophony smells it, but Aelfgifu really wants to lick it.
  Cacophony: I once licked lead! *licks it*
  Jylliana: I put on new armour for this...
• Cacophony finds Spices of Seasoning, which can make anything edible and delicious, or neutralize poison if you're boring.
  Aelfgifu: Anything's edible at least once.
• Annie casually stating that she'll ignore the words "bone swarm" peeking out from another part of the map.
• Cacophony gets sent to the ethereal plane and decides to use it to, essentially, clip past one of the puzzles, grab the blue gem, then Misty Steps back out.
  Kit: I would call this speedrun tactics but we've been at this for four hours.

Episode 33 - The New Year's Spooktacular, Part I

• Kit realizes that Aelfgifu has a breastplate that protects her from critical hits and should have only taken regular damage from the previous fight.
  Annie: So your inattentiveness almost killed your mommy's character.
  Kit: Yes.
  Alexi: I like that I got no blame!
• Upon returning to the conservatory, the Corpse Flower flirts with Aelfgifu by offering her one of it's corpses. A little weirded out but not wanting to be rude, she offers it some dried berries from her trail mix. It actually works perfectly.
• Upon entering the next hallway, Chris reads off a description that's written down: "don't worry about it".
  • Artie books it through the hallway and hears a loud click as he does so.
  Artie: What do I do?
  Jyll: Duck!
  Cacophony: Dive backwards!
  Jyll: Duck!
  Cacophony: Dive backwards!
  Artie: I heard duck first!
  Alexi: Bop it.
  • Following that, Aelfgifu power walks across, much to Jyll's chagrin. Jyll walks across carefully and hears a kerchunk.
  Annie: Oh no something's falling.
  Chris: No, "kerplunk" is something falling. "Kerchunk" is something locking into place.
  • Mr. Hurst just bridal carries Cacophony across.
• Chris describes images of wise men studying and lecturing in the hall they find themselves in.
  Kit: Oh great, tenure professors.
• While investigating a leger listing various names, species, classes, and weapons, Cacophony wonders if that's how previous adventurers died. Aloud, directly at Lord Kronos, hoping the booming voice acts like an intercom system.
• The sound of scittering comes from the distance and the party wonders if they're spiders (which freaks out Jylliana) or rats (which freak out Artie). Eventually it stops and Cacophony calls to the other side of the wall.
  Cacophony: Hello! Are you a rat?
  Voice: No!...are you a rat?
  Cacophony: Yes!
  Voice: Okay!
  Cacophony: Is it fun over there?
  Voice: Yes, very!
  Cacophony: What are you doing?
  Voice: Organizing!
  Cacophony: What are you wearing?
  Voice: Nothing!
  Cacophony: Nice.
• Jylliana finds a club covered in runes. It's called the "Book Club". Any spell with a range of touch can be cast on the club and then discharged with a successufl hit. It's also covered in compelling stories of it's previous wielder's adventures and eventual horrible demises.
  Artie: Are some of them sexy?
  Chris:...I guess?
  • Chris points out that if Arturos had picked it up he'd need to know for sure whether the fish man can read. Rio says they would've asked for it to become an audio book.
• Cacophony continues talking to the voice on the other side of the door and determines that Dread Lord Kronos has forbidden his minions from unionizing.
• Cacophony costume changes again to a sexy rat. Her rapier is a piece of cheese.
• Jylliana asks if she can check out a book on how to kill vampires. When asked if she has a library card, she pulls out the one for Stormhaven. Apparently it's valid, because Dewey happily brings it to her.
• After their fourth or fifth research request:
  Dewey: Y'know most adventurers don't spend this much time with Dewey Your Card Cataloguing Friend.
  Kit: We love him!
  Annie: Look at him! He's our friend! It's him and the flail snail, they're the only positive experiences we've had here!
  Alexi: And the Corpse Flower.
  Annie: For you. It did hit me with a corpse.
  Alexi: It can't help it!
• Dewey asks that the party try to return their books before they die.
• Dewey's offered a job on the ship after they escape the castle organizing the Book Club's library. When Cacophony mentions there are a bunch of magazines in there too, Dewey excitedly murmurs "periodicals!"

Episode 34 - The New Year's Spooktacular, Part II

• Chris is excited for Kit to end up dealing with Dewey, the Corpse Flower Boyfriend, and the Flail Snail on top of all the other exciting NPCs that they made for the party to deal with once he's done.
  Chris: Mr. Hurst is an NPC most of the time.
  Kit: That's true!
  Annie: Now he's a real boy.
• Even though Cacophony still doesn't remember Jylliana, she does remember Ethla (much to Jyll's chagrin). Then she wonders if Jyll was a one night stand that she forgot about.
  • Artie tries to cofort Jyll by saying that Cacophony doesn't know him very well to begin with, but then Cacophony declares him one of her closest friends and he happily agrees.
• Cacophony hears music coming from an adjoining room. After confirming that the music is just alright, she bursts through and declares "Never fear! A better musician is here!"
  • There's a table covered in the most delicious looking food, and despite Jyll's best efforts (since it's definitely cursed food) pretty much everyone excitedly tries to dig in.
  Cacophony: I won't drink it but I have to carry a mimosa, it's part of my character!
  • Cacophony looks at a sign on a door that says "Do Not Disturb" and immediately knocks and claims to be Room Service.
• Inside is Mathilde the Medusa, who's taking a "Me Day". The think she's in a bathtub full of blood, but eventually realize there's just a bath bomb in there. She's also wearing a snake mask, as are all the snakes on her head.
  • She's also reading a smutty novel ("Handsome Gary and the Sensual Secret of Saltmarsh"). Cacophony just so happens to have two smutty novels in her inventory and trades her for the Handsome Gary one.
  • As they leave, she asks them to get some hot gossip from the forgemaster when they encounter him.
• While Jyll and Aelfgifu try to solve another puzzle and accidentally get poisoned, Cacophony is reading the smutty novel and critiquing it.
  • Artie's able to pull the two out of the gas.
  Rio: I think he's strong enough to pull both of them. He's short but he's...thick.
  Kit: Sure, we could say it like that.
  Annie: We could say so.
  Kit: If you really want to.
  Annie: I think they do.

Episode 35 - The Valentine's Smoochtacular, Part I

• The last episode ended with the pary having to roll advantage against a pair of Fae Spiders. This episode opens with Cacophony successfully charming them and convincing them to move their webs out of the way so that the party can get through safely. Chris points out that they can only make so many monsters in this castle fall in love with them, which the group takes as a challenge.
  • Jyll is still terrified, so she has to be dragged through the room while she barely holds herself together. The minute she is safely on the other side, she chucks a lit torch at the webs and shouts "I WANT YOU TO BE DEAD!" Based on acoustics, this was almost definitely yelled by Annie from the other end of her own room.
• While fighting a treasure golem, Artie thinks that it can be soothed by giving it additional treasure. So he throws a handful of coins at it while shouting "tradesies!"
• After defeating the golem, most loot is initially ignored in favour of the shoes ("Artie loves shoes!"). Once they start counting the coins they find exactly 69,420 electrum pieces.
  • Cacophony pulls a fuzzy orb out of a Bag of Tricks, which turns into a giant goat.
  Artie: What the hell is that thing?
  Jyll: It's a goat!
  Artie: What's a goat?
  Jyll: That!
  • Another item is a sleeveless chain shirt that, once per day, allows the wearer to turn their arm into a cannon. It's a tank top.
  Artie: Gun show motherfuckers!
  • Another item is a revolver that can be loaded with and shoots gemstones. It's a gem jammer.
  • Chris confirms that all the loot they've received so far was pre-approved by Kit before they started.
  Kit: I hope you weren't hoping on having a balanced campaign from here on out because I've stopped giving a shit.

Episode 36 - The Valentine's Smoochtacular, Part II

• Chris explains that he has a habit of introducing chaotic elements in his campaigns and then quickly forgetting about them or their consequences. Which is why he can't remember why their's a giant goat with the party.
  • It's name is Gnomper.
• Jylliana rolls a 3 on her initiative because she was distracted reading the "How to Kill Vampires Book" she checked out.
• Cacophony uses Vicious Mockery on a Spectator.
  Cacophony: Oh dear, look at how many eyes you have, your optometrist must be delighted.
  Chris: That's very rude.
  Kit: That's the point of Vicious Mockery. It's not Polite Mockery.
  • It does cause the Spectator to shed a single tear.
• The only way for Gnomper to get higher in this room and attack the Spectator is by holding onto the edge of Cacophony's skirt.
  Maq: It's fine. Our artist made sure there are no panty shots.
  Rio: No guarantees.
  • Alexi pulls of several attacks in a row against the Spectator
  Chris: I feel a little upset because I didn't learn how to play between games but it seems like someone else did.
• The first time Kit gets to roll damage on Hurst's blunderbuss and it's because he was confused and he shot Artie. Artie, while bleeding on the ground, bemoans everyone being taller than him. Still.
  Artie: I worked so hard. I ate so many...sea eggs. I milked so many manatees to get as tall as I was.
  Jyll: Manatees were commonly mistaken for mermaids so think on that what you will.
  Artie: Are you saying I look like a manatee?!
• Several traps are found leading to the Forgemaster's room, and instead of trying to disarm any of them most of the party essentially tries to parkour around them.
  Jyll: I can feel my spell slots draining out of my body. I only have one diamond you guys!
  • When Artie gets hit by a fireball trap, Cacophony casually asks if anyone smells smoked salmon.

Episode 37 - The National Chocolate Covered Raisin Day Spooktacular, Part I

• When the Corpse Collector starts moving, Cacophony prepares to run until she sees it's just a robot, not a rug.
• Rio is very tempted to open the door in the middle of the fight.
  Kit: Let's not unleash anything else on the party until we deal with the stuff that's currently on the board.
  Rio: I don't hear you.
  • Everyone fails a Dexterity save and get picked up by the Corpse Collector. Cadaver Damacy!
• Artie almost gets hit by the fireball again, but managed to get just the tip.
• When Artie pulls out the Arm Cannon for his Tank Top, Annie calls it a salute to all mussels.
  • He direct hits the Cadaver Collector, but Mr. Hurst was on it when it fired and has to make a Dexterity saving throw. He gets a 19.
  Annie: Eustace Twinkletoes Hurst, that's what we call him.
• Annie casually mentions that Aelfgifu can fly before she and Maq get distracted by calling Artie "e-fish-ent". Chris and Alexi are shocked, Chris specifically thinking the Ring of Flight didn't do anything.
  Annie: Do we have to sing a song?
  Maq: Yes! You can fly, you can fly, you can fly!
  • Then Kit takes the wind out of everyone's sails by pointing out that it's a Ring of Flight on Krynn, and a ring of "Fuck You" everywhere else.
• The party finally manages to enter the next section by Jylliana standing outside the range of the fireball trap and yelling "LET US THE FUCK IN!"
• After determining that the next gem is inside a pool in the Forgemaster's chamber, the party wonder's if the solution to it is just "be a fish". However when Artie reaches for it it's intangible.
  Artie: Oh no it's not real. It's an illusion! Can we go home now?
  • Jylliana asks to borrow a sword from the Forgemaster to get the gem. He says that he could trade her, or they could try to defeat him. The latter is met with a chorus of casual "no"s, and the trade ends up being for one of the smutty books they borrowed from Mathilde (who the Forgemaster has a crush on).
  • Jylliana combines a smashed golden pear and a sword to form a makeshift spoon, to the Forgemaster's confusion.
  Forgemaster: You could've just asked for a spoon.
  Jylliana: Well you never mentioned you had spoons!
  • When they continue to have difficulty picking it up, they ask him to just tell them the solution.
  Kit: Yeah I'd like my show back some time this year, please.
  • When they finally manage to cool the sword and can use it to grab the gem, Jylliana starts panicking that they'll screw it up somehow and starts rapidly shouting "pick it up! Pick it up!" Chris says it sounds like a ska song. And then Mr. Hurst starts skanking.
• As the prepare to confront the Blood Queen, Jylliana asks what her deal is. The Forgemaster replies that she's exactly the kind of person you'd expect when you picture the words "Blood Queen".

Episode 38 - The Arbour Day Spooktacular, Part I

• Kit and Rio have had extensive conversations about Artie's sexual experience and what does and does not "count". But the results are apparently a secret.
• When they see that the door to the Blood Queen's chamber has no handle, knocker, or anything, Annie and Alexi ask if there's a place for the blood to go.
  Chris: Actually, no.
  Annie: Are you sure?
  Chris: Yes? Considering I made this with my brain.
  • There's a good ten minutes of the party trying elaborate methods to try and solve the door puzzle (despite Chris saying that there is no door puzzle), mainly because the only other way towards the chamber is a "perfectly normal hallway".
• Annie argues that there should be room on the ship for Dewey and the flail snail. Aelfgifu keeps trying to bring the Corpse Flower with her too. In the middle of this Chris asks if they're walking down the middle of the hallway, to which everyone snaps "no!"
• While passing by Grail's room, she offers them hot goss if they draw another card. Cacophony and Artie happily oblige.
  • The card Artie draws stops him from being able to lie.
  Artie: I've never lied!
  Kit: You can't actually say that.
  Rio: Oh shit.
  Kit: You've lied before, just very badly.
• Artie happily announces that Jyll has two boyfriends, and Cacophony is thrilled that one of them is Max.
• Just before the party walks blindly into magical darkness behind a portcullis:
  Annie: Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. Wee-woo.
  Kit: Yes! Space Fun Helmet.
• As they enter the Blood Queen's chamber, they're greeted with the sound of Nu Metal.
  • Upon being told they must beat the gargoyle before they can claim the final gem, Cacophony offers some hot goss. The Blood Queen would love some, but unfortunately the boss fight is non-optional.
  • Being told it's a one-on-one fight, Aelfgifu tries to nominate Gnomper. After vetoing that they ask if Mr. Hurst can bring his gun.
  Blood Queen: The only rule is...there are no rules!
  Artie: Oh, so we can all fight?
  Blood Queen: Ok there are some rules actually.
  • Cheering Mr. Hurst on as he enters.
  Fuck him up Eustace, fuck him up! *clap clap* Fuck him up, Eustace, fuck him up!

Episode 39 - The Arbour Day Spooktacular, Part II

• The Blood Queen mistakes Cacophony's cheers for Hurst as love. When Cacophony clarifies that she loves him like a friend, she scoffs.
  Blood Queen: Friendship is stupid.
  Artie: Friendship is magic!
• Aelfgifu hucks a table in for Mr. Hurst to use.
• After taking out the gargoyle, Mr. Hurst has managed to win over the bewitched murals that had been booing him earlier. One of them even holds up a sign that says "Hurst 3:16.
• Everyone does a group hug after, including the goat.
• Artie flips off the countess.
  Jylliana: Artie, no! Win graciously.
  Artie: I don't have to win graciously, I'm a king!
  Cacophony: Oh?
  Artie: Oh shit did I say that outloud?
  Cacophony: *singsong* Now I know!
• Mathilde reveals that the real name of the Blood Queen is Sharon Blüd.
• Mathilde mentions she had a brief crush on Grail, and mentions she wants to She's All That her.
  Mathilde: I want to put glasses on her just to take them off.
• Dread Kronos reveals himself to be a Death Tyrant and declares "It's me, the Dread Kronos, not a vampire!"
  • He's flanked by a pair of Spectators.
  Cacophony: Are those your babies?
  Kronos: They're more like my dawgs.
  Jylliana: Rude?
  Kronos: Not pets, like, my dawgs.
  Jylliana: Minions?
  Kronos: I mean minion is such a...it doesn't encapsulate the relationship I try to build with my servitors. I'm a cool boss!
  Jylliana: I don't think you are!
  Cacophony: A lot of your employees just aren't happy with what you do.
  Jylliana: Have you considered letting your employees unionize? Because it seems like that would lead to a lot more general job satisfaction.
  • When asked why he picked them in particular, he says they have am interesting group dynamic that's fun to observe, potentially on a bi-weekly basis.
• Turns out the costumes aren't Kronos' doing—it was Cacophony all along.
  Jylliana: You what? This entire time?!
  Aelfgifu: Not cool! This glitter sucks, you know?
  Jylliana: I can't sit down!
  Aelfgifu: It's in my skin and my hair and I can't get it off.
  Jylliana: I have to keep my wings together at all times!
  Aelfgifu: And everything I touch is a little sparkly and I hate it.
  Jylliana: What happened to my hair?!
  Cacophony: Your hair is fine.
  Jylliana: The horns!
  Cacophony: Your hair is fine.
  Jylliana: You don't even remember what I looked like before, thank you!
  Cacophony: Your hair is fine.
• Kronos tries to get their opinions on his Castle, and whether they Strongly Agree to Strongly Disagree with his statements. Artie asks if he's getting paid to fill out this survey, and Kronos replies that they'll all be entered into a draw for a $100 gift card.
  Jylliana: What's a dollar?!
  Cacophony: Is it an Amazon gift card?
  Kronos: I mean it can be used by any class.
  • Meanwhile, Aelfgifu pulls a fuzzy ball out of her Bag of Tricks and throws a dog at Kronos. She names it Stewart.
  Annie: There's dawgs, and then there's dogs.
• Artie passes a Wisdom saving throw in order to not get frightened, adn everyone agrees it's because he's too dumb to be scared.
• The Spectator rolls a nat 1 against Viscious Mockery and "takes some dammies".
  Kit: Some dammies?
  Annie: Dammies boys!
  Kit: Are we just gonna start hockey chirping the eye tyrant, is that what's gonna happen?
• Jyll takes damage and has to roll a Constitution saving throw because of a card she drew earlier.
  Chris: Jyll's not there anymore.
  Annie: What.
  Chris: But! The good news is there is something there.
  Annie: Um?
  Chris: Which is appropriate enough given the discussions we've had in this fight already.
  Maq: A lawyer?
  Alexi: A dog?
  Chris: You're cool wolf, Jyll!
  • Because Jyll had activated Radiant Soul earlier, said cool wolf also has glowing eyes and wings. But it looks very grumpy so everyone can tell it's Jyll.
  Annie: This is my fursona?
  Maq: Alpha and Omega!
  Jyll: I'm gonna have so much to tell Max later.
• Mr. Hurst pulls off 13 bludgeoning damage with a headbutt.
  Chris: Why do you even have a gun?
  Kit: For when people aren't in headbutting range!
• Jylliana casts Spirit Guardians, which damage enemies if they start their turn within range of the spell. They're also little angel wolves, and their range is dubbed "the wolf zone".
• Cacophony keeps getting telekinatically thrown around the room. She manages to land sexily, even after being tossed down the stairs.
  Kit: I warned you about stairs, bro!
  Annie: It keeps happening!
• Jyll gets polymorphed again, and Chris tempts Annie by telling her that she became something from another game they've played together.
  Annie: *excited* Am I a dragon horse?
  Chris: No you're a giant toad.
  • Maq then floods the chat with pictures of giant frogs with wings. Apparently there are a lot of these.
• Even as they escape the castle's collapse, Cacophony is sure to avoid the trap rug in the entrance.
• As they finally finish the arc.
  Chris: Maybe the real Castle Kronos was the friends you made along the way.
  Alexi: Multiple friends we smuggled out and will now have to appear in the normal campaign.
  Maq: You’re welcome Kit.
  Kit: Thanks.
  Rio: Thanks for the Tank Top.
  Annie: We’re also now rich as shit.

Harena, the Dead Sphere (episodes 40-51)

Episode 40 - At Max Carrying Capacity

• Upon arriving back at Providence Bay in broad daylight, the gargoyle has to grab a coat off of a passerby and drape it over the Blood Queen.
• Kit chooses to handwave the weight of money Jylliana has because it weighs 1682.1 lbs of.
  • Not wanting any pirates to overhear, Jylliana writes down the amount of money they got from the castle and slides the paper over to Alanna. Her reaction is described as a brief blue screen.
• Xilwyn returns wearing this sweater◊.
• The party convince Alanna to let the flail snail stay by convincing her it can clean the hull.
  • Alanna gets concerned that the party is going to start adopting animals to keep on the (increasingly crowded) ship. Jylliana glances at Aelfgifu, who glances at her Bag of Tricks, and they both say no.
  • Then Xilwyn mentions the owlbear egg she got, but promises to feed it and walk it herself.
• Aelfgifu feels weird around Veli now because she's a plant person.
• Xilwyn decides to test the Spices of Seasoning by using them on a spatula, and upon discovering that they make it delicious and edible she starts offering it to everyone she passes. Jylliana passes because she doesn't want to eat "Hell food".
• Upon discovering Artie left his position as King because he didn't want to, she complains that that seems to be the only reason anyone has anymore.
  • Then she has to teach him how to mop (Artie doesn't know what a mop is), and explain that it's an important responsibility and not just for fun.
  • Aelfgifu manages to convince Artie to do chores with because she also needs to learn to clean up after herself, and in the background Cacophony starts playing "We're All in This Together". Annie complains and Maq switches to "Happy Working Song". Aelfgifu complains that they should be singing sea shanties, but Jylliana somehow only knows the dirty ones.
• "At some point Jylliana is going to introduce Lachlan to the Flail Snail as an excuse for conversation."

Episode 41 - Why Not Both?

• Deciding to use Toolbox the cat as a theme, Lachlan and Jylliana name the flail snail Lawnmower.
• While trying to determine if Max ever made Lachlan uncomfortable, Jylliana gets her words mixed up.
  Lachlan: Are you asking me if I'm mad at him or if I like dudes?
  Cacophony: *in the distance* Why not both?
  Lachlan: Yes and yes!
  • At this pont Jylliana has come to accept that if she ever tries to have a private conversation with him, everyone else will be eavesdropping somewhere.
• Trying to calm down, Jyll starts petting Lawnmower. It takes a pet like no problem. And she hopes that it never starts talking like everyone else on this stupid ship.
  Aelfgifu: Hey Jyll I wanna ride Lawnmower. Are you having a moment?
  Jylliana: Apparently not!
  Kit: Alright, Aelfgifu you have a grand ol' time riding Lawnmower back and forth very slowly.
• Jylliana hopes out loud that they don't have to go to any dungeons any time soon, and Kit starts to laugh evilly.
• Trying to encourage Jyll that the party is actually doing pretty well.
  Cacophony: Look at us! We're succeeeding! On accident often times.
  Jylliana: Is it possible to succeed on purpose for once?
  Cacophony: Maybe.
  Artie: I often succeed on purpose. And by accident. Mostly accident.
  Cacophony: I cause a lot of problems on purpose.
  Jylliana: I try to solve problems on purpose.
  Aelfgifu: I just kinda am.
• Cacophony didn't think Jylliana had parents, she just assumed everyone at the convent was a tragic orphan. Then Jyll realizes that she hasn't sent her parents any letters in, like, a year.
  • Alexi had to double check if Aelfgifu's adoptive woodsy dad was still alive because she couldn't remember the rest of the backstory.
• While debating what costumes to wear to a haunted desert planet, Cacophony suggests gothic style, then neon to go against what's expected, before they settle on Indiana Jones-style outfits. Kit was hoping they'd go with their first thought.
  Kit: I was like "yes, wear black gothic outfits on my desert planet."
• Cacophony decides to drink an entire bottle of wine before announcing that her flaw for the day is overdrinking. Also, she's a lightweight.
  Cacophony: Aelfgifu, your hair feels like long soft moss. It's like moss on a baby's butt!
• As soon as Aelfgifu is off the boat she pulls a fuzzball out of her Bag and gets a standard goat. Lachlan declares that the goat is backup enough and returns to the ship.
  Aelfgifu: Maybe we should name the goat Lachlan?

Episode 42 - Skyharbour

• Alexi claims the Aelfgifu got distracted by a bug, but Kit states there are no bugs on Skyharbour. Aelfgifu is a little distressed, but Jylliana is happy because no bugs means no spiders to eat them. Cacophony drunkenly suggests that perhaps the spiders are just large enough to eat other prey, but Jyll quickly shuts that down.
• Cacophony nearly bumps into Thazita the cute Dragonborn and immediately starts flirting. Rio asks how tall she is.
  Kit: 6'3".
  Rio: Dammit.
  Kit: She's dragonborn. They start tall.
• While filling out the form to mount an expedition to Harena, Kit mentions there's nothing too draconian regarding the bureacracy. Alexi asks if they're allowed to say that with a Dragonborn in the room. For the next but Alexi and Rio try to convince her that the forms are actually written in Draconian language and Kit trying to insist they're in Common.
• Captain Galaron of Skyharbour is concerned that the new adventurers are shady, but Cacophony tells him that they're too stupid to be shady.
• Jyll catches Captain Bondar up on the situation and informs her that they met said cute dragonborn and Cacophony is smitten. Captain Bondar immediately knows that this won't end well and prepares for the fallout.
• The party goes into a shop that is mostly kitsch, and Maq demands Kit describe what they have to offer.
  Kit: The interior looks a lot like that one store in the mall.
  Rio: No no no, that's not our mall Kit, that's your mall.
  • Cacophony decides to by a skeleton cat Halloween decoration - one of the poorly made ones that has ear bones for some reason.
  • The proprietor emerges from behind a beaded curtain wearing a cravat and Maq pegs him as evil.
  Maq: I love him already. He's evil but I love him.
  Kit: The cravat seems like a bad choice considering the climate but he's working it.
  Maq: What color is the cravat?
  Annie: What?
  Kit: The cravat is a really deep purple.
  Maq: Oh yeah this guy's evil.
  Alexi: No, I don't think he's evil, I think he's just immoral.
  Maq: Okay, fair.
  Alexi: He's just opted out of morality. He's not actively evil.
• Alexi can't remember what outfit she was wearing (Laura Dern from Jurassic Park) but she remembers what Cacphony is (slutty adventurer).
  • Artie's wearing booty shorts with "adventure" bedazzled on the butt. In really small rhinestones. You have to squint.
  Alexi: Excuse me, can I read your ass?
• Jylliana dramatically thanks Cacophony for buying healing potions for once.
• One of the items the party can buy is a rainbow zebra cowboy hat. It's the Hat of Relative Concentration. It allows the wearer to get advantage on concentration checks, but everyone else has disadvantage because it's an incredibly obnoxious hat.
• Artie tries to subtly flex his noble status in order to haggle by drawing attention to his signet ring. Cacophony backs him up by pulling out her fake signet ring. Aelfgifu is just skeeved out.
  Aelfgifu: Is this flirting?
  Jylliana: Yes but not in the way that you think.

Episode 43 - Swan Lake

• After last episode's successful haggling, Aelfgifu tries it herself. By offering 5 gold to the shopkeeper for a pair of ugly kitchsy cat figurines that cost 15. It doesn't work.
  Kit: They tell you number, you say smaller number, and then they give?
• Aelfgifu tries to pet the sailheads but is blocked off by the stablekeeper. She starts sulking her way back to the party, but then sees a greatswan in the resrvoir and gets distracted. And since she can talk to animals, she starts honking.
  Kit: She's never met a swan, has she?
  Alexi: No.
  Kit: This is going to go so badly.
  Aelfgifu: My name's Aelfgifu, what's your name!
  Greatswan: You don't get my name! Fuck off!
  Aelfgifu: Why not?
  Greatswan: You're not an elf! Fuck off!
  Aelfgifu: Oh you're a racist swan!
  Greatswan: You're not the captain! Fuck off!
  Aelfgifu: What, just because I don't have pointy ears we can't have a civil fucking conversation?
  Greatswan: You're not the captain! Fuck off! *switching back to Kit* This thing is not particularly intelligent.
  Aelfgifu: I might be nicer than the captain, how about you fuck off?
  Greatswan: You're not the captain! Fuck off! I'll bite you! I'll bite you so bad!
  Aelfgifu: I'll bite you! I can bite you, don't test me!
  Greatswan: I'll break your arms with my wings and you'll drown!
  Aelfgifu: I'll fuckin' strangle your giant-ass swan neck! Look at how much neck you have! It's a weak point!
  Greatswan: My neck is magnificent! Fuck off!
  Aelfgifu: Fuck you racist swan! Go to hell!
• Cacophony and Jylliana are thrilled that the bar is run by a Halfling woman, and therefore has brunch.
  Jylliana: Finally, civilization. I thought this place was a shanty town.
• Jylliana explains to Aelfgifu that all swans are mean because they're basically sexy geese.
• Jyll and Cacophony try to explain the concept of brunch to Artie, but get distracted by what yoga and hot yoga places they had on their home planet. Then Jyll realizes Max probably knew about brunch and gets mad at him again.
• Artie offers to set Jyll's pearl of power in some jewelry and Jyll asks for a bracelet.
  Artie: A bracelet with your bracers?
  Annie: I actually don't have bracers that's just on my characer art.
• When the eggs arrive, Aelfgifu is concerned that they're racist chickens without mouths. When told the coop is right behind the bar and she can see for herself, she leaves because she needs a positive animal experience that day (and she takes her bellini with her).
  Kit: It's just a yard full of chickens.
  Aelfgifu: Thank god. Hi chickens!
  Kit: They kind of look back at you and cluck and go back to whatever it was they were doing.
  Aelfgifu: I'm telling you I can understand them. They can speak to me and I can speak to them.
  Annie: Do they have anything interesting to say?
  Kit: They're chickens! They don't! They kinda go "hi!" and go back to whatever it was they were doing.
  *beat*
  Aelfgifu: Adorable.
  • One of them pecks at her bellini. The chickens can have little a bellini, as a treat.
  • Aelfgifu tries to take one of the chickens with her and names her Lucy. She did ask her what her name was, but she didn't understand the question. Jylliana has to point out that a) Lucy already has an owner, and b) Captain Bondar is already wary about how many pets are being brought onto the ship.
• When describing another NPC, Kit at this point knows to describe their height as well for Artie's sake. Though during this they point out that he's taller than the halfling woman running the bar.
• Upon hearing that the Seekers, bascially space librarians, might have a whole sphere dedicated to archiving books.
  Artie: That sounds so boring.
  Jylliana: That sounds real good.
  Aelfgifu: There's gotta be a boddice ripper section in the book sphere.
  Jylliana: There's probably a bodice ripper continent!
  Aelfgifu: Expedition to the continent of the bodice rippers.
  Artie: Anyone can rip your bodice, it's not that hard.
• Thazita tells the party not to draw too much attention to themselves on their way back to the ship, and everyone gives Cacophony an awkward look.
  Jylliana: We'll give it the ol' college try.
• Everyone rolls bad on an insight roll...except for Artie.
  Kit: So Artie has an insight that no one else did. I'm very excited about this!
  Annie: This is the worst person to have secret information.

Episode 44 - The Naming of Cats

• Artie has decided all the sailheads the party are riding are named "Stinky".
• During the trek through the deserts, Jylliana tries to play "I Spy". Cacophony suggests music, and attempts both "Horse With No Name" (well, Sailhead), and "Hotel California".
• Jylliana tries to get info on the local undead from Thazita, who doesn't have very many details. She tries to narrow it down to larger than a breadbox, smaller than an undead dragon.
• Thazita looks up Aesheim (the homeworld of Jyll, Cacophony, and Aelfgifu) and all it says is that it's a bit of a backwater and has invented brunch.
  • Jyll also asks if there's anything on the planet having an independant orcish city (maybe). Artie asks if there are any cities of gold (they melted). Aelfgifu asks if Bigfoot is real (it's in a different book; it's real but rare).
  Aelfgifu: I knew it!
• The title comes from Aelfgifu summoning a Lion from her bag of tricks, and everyone suggesting that Jyll name it after a cat from Cats.
  Jylliana: I can't name it after a cat from Cats even the ones I know because that gives them power!
  • She names it Jadis.
  • Aelfgifu and Jyll try to convince Kit that Jadis is also a detective. And has a deerstalker cap.
• Aelfgifu casts Eldritch Blast. It was unexpected. And sounded like a guitar riff.
  Aelfgifu: I can do finger guns! Literally.
• After Kit messes up a damage calculation, the crew bemoan the lack of straights present to do the math for them.
  Annie: We just had a heterosexual on the podcast for six months, we can't ask him to come back.
  Rio: But he's your heterosexual.
  Annie: No my heterosexual is my husband.
  Rio: Oh, right.
• Rio states they have no spells, then clarifies they have no spells that would benefit the party.
  Annie and Kit simultaneously: That's never stopped you before!
  • Rio then remembers what Action Surge does, prompting Annie to call this the podcast where they teach fighters how to fight.

Episode 45 - Thazita Courts Death

• Aelfgifu uses her natural ranger training to sense where the Sailheads fled after the zombie fight. Artie looks around and points to where they are a few miles away.
• Cacophony decides that, since Kieran wants to know who trained Aelfgifu, and is an old elf man who lives on a backwater planet (like Aelfgifu's adoptive father), he must know her dad.
  Annie: Nothing more quintessentially encapsulates the D&D fantasy adventurer arctype than yelling into the night "do you know my dad?"
  • Aelfgifu asks if she remembers seeing the symbol of the Star Wardens on any of her adoptive dad's stuff, and Kit says to roll intelligence.
  Alexi: Bad news, I got stupider after I came back.
• When Thazita asks about the Tiny Hut Cacophony cast the night before to protect them from the elements, Cacophony claims that it's just a matter of being fabulous enough to create one.
  • Cacophony then elaborates that her magical ability comes from her force of personality, which is why she has to get dressed and be flamboyant or she can't get it o—can't do it.
  *Annie spit takes*
  • Cacophony later elaborates that she learned the spell after almost dying to a rug. And draws it for Thazita's notes.
• After Thazita obliviously insults Ethla in front of Jyll, Aelfgifu tries to egg them on for entertainment. After Cacophony distracts the dragonborn, Jyll whirls on Aelfgifu, who pretends to be sleeping.
• Aelfgifu goes full motormouth at night because she's panicking about Cacophony's Tiny Hut collapsing, forcing her and Jyll to yell at her to go to sleep.

Episode 46 - Spellital Skellcaster

• When Thazita describes the Arch Fey as not concerned with good and evil and more interested in doing what they want, Artie says they're like politicians. Jyll and Cacophony then point out that he's a politician. He argues that he wasn't voted in, though he can't remember how he got the job.
  • Thazita describes serving a deity being akin to serving a boss, and making a pact is like having a sugar daddy. Jylliana is about to explode, but Aelfgifu just thinks it must be nice since she never knew her original dad.
  • After Cacophony explains things to Aelfgifu and Artie:
  Artie: Oh...that's why they kept calling me Daddy.
• When Cacophony Shatters a skeleton, Aelfgifu asks if it humourously falls apart.
  Annie: Heh, "humorous".
  Kit: Hang on, I gotta roll something.
• Cacophony casts Dissonant Whispers on another skellington, to the tune of "Spooky Scary Skeletons".

Episode 47 - Spooky Sandy Skellyplanet

• Jyll sends a Sending to Tuatha asking if she can mail T'karis' notes to The Kestrel. Kit readies their best Tuatha impression. Jake Mason starts speaking. And then gets cut off after 25 words.
  Annie: Tuatha does not pay attention because rules are for nerds. So we're penpals now.
  • And Kit mentions that they also recorded a Sending for that podcast, so at some point Tuatha will be getting a ping in the middle of a quest.
• Aelfgifu tells Artie to go back to sleep, and Rio just mutters "chimichangas".
  Annie: Is that your anchor word for this accent?
  Rio: No I'm just hungry.
• When Thazita explains her assignment on Harena, Cacophony asks if it's for her thesis. After all, she's attended several universities.
• The party go on a whole rant about how cool and mysterious Veli is, only to notice that Thazita has been writing it all down.
  • Thazita mentions a race of plant people that used to exist on her planet, but then mysteriously vanish. Kit explains that she's referring to the Wilden, who were a race in 4th Edition and then disappeared in 5th Edition.
• A conversation about Kit being Canadian mentions Skyharbouor, which Annie can't help but pronounce as "Skyhar-boor".
  Annie: Ugh! Here under protest is a "u"!
• Kit refers to Imric and his men as "Beni and the horses".

Episode 48 - Trapped to Hell and Back

• The episode begins with Jyll clink-clank-clink-clonking through a tiny passage (that's also tight enough to make her armour screech like nails on a chalkboard), while wearing the Space Fun Helmet at full wee-woo.
• Jyll and Cacophony sternly tell everyone to be careful because it's very possible that the entire Nameless Tomb is trapped. Aelfgifu, hoping to break the tension, casually pops a fuzzball out of her bag of tricks and summons a giant boar.
• When they see a statue, Cacophony asks if anyone has a rock they can throw from their crotch like a certain penguin-man.
  Jyll: From his crotch? You mean his fanny pack? Which is north of the crotch?
• Cacophony gets hit by some poisoned darts after setting off a booby trap.
  Aelfgifu: Do you need somebody to suck on it like a snake?
  Cacophony: Please do not suck on me.
• Jyll bemoans being in another castle designed by an asshole.
• Artie suggests going in front because even though he's not smart, he is beefy and can check for traps with his body.
• Aelfgifu casts a Witchbolt, and Rio starts singing about it to the tune of Wishbone. Maq starts singing along.

Episode 49 - Tombs All the Way Down

• Right out the gate, Rio decides Artie's been raised Catholic like themself, which raises a lot of questions about fish theology.
  Rio: He's gonna do the sign of the cross on himself—
  Maq: How about the sign of the fish on himself?
  Rio:—because I don't know how to make a fish...
  Annie: How did they catch the blood in the cup? How did they catch the blood in the cup it just floated up.
  Alexi: Who's the Fope?...Fish Pope?
  Rio: How do they create armour underwater? Who the fuck knows.
  Kit: I mean one of the original symbols for Christianity was a fish.
  Annie: I'm aware of that, however—
  Alexi:*chanting* Fish Pope! Fish Pope!
  Annie: Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Hold up. Hold up. We're gonna have to get into this in like a Cars-world conversation later or like, a "the Weasley's are clearly Irish Catholic" conversation later, we can't do this, we are setting this aside, Artie go!
  Kit: I'm just writing "Fish Pope" in my notes real quick.
• Thazita determines that some writings on the Tomb are magical seals meant to contain undead. Artie pipes up that he can talk to seals.
  • Jyll theorizes that the fissure in the seals might be where all the undead are coming from. Artie thinks she means literally, and they're all just squeezing through the crack. This spirals into joke about how mummies are like rats and can fit through any space their skull can, and use the bandages like whiskers to test the size of a hole.
  • Thazita cops that any damage that could be done to the Nameless Tomb (which seems to be mostly fake anyways) has already been done, the best way through the crack in the seals would be through...blowing them up.
  Imric: Did I hear someone mentioned controlled demolition?
• Cacophony spots a hairline fracture in the wall holding back a World Eater priest. She suggests opening the whole seal in order to "beat some ass".
  Rio: The CDC is advising not to eat ass.
  • Annie counters that eating mummies is perfectly healthy.
  Alexi: You can eat them, you can paint with them, you can do all kinds of stuff with mummies.
  Annie: What can't you do with a corpse?
  Alexi:...respect it.
• Jyll bemoans the harsh weather outside of Skyharbour preventing The Kestrel from flying close and firing its cannon on the tomb.
  Jyll: So no big guns.
  Artie: I mean there's one big gun. *flexes*
  Jyll: Watch that trigger finger champ.
  Artie: That only happened once!
  • Aelfgifu and Cacophony defend Artie by saying it was cool, while Artie states several times "but did you die though?"
• Jylliana is worried about Imric's demolition ability.
  Imric: All our detonations are very controlled. I am a professional, you know.
  Jyll: You keep saying that. A professional what?
  Imric: Good question! *leaves to get more explosives*
  Jyll: I am so done with charismatic men.
• Alexi states they're back at 68 hit points and calls it a tease.
  • The stinger at the end is Alexi announcing that they have levelled up and now have 69, to many cheers and a chorus of "nice".

Episode 50 - The Jemjammer 50th Episode Mummy Spooktacular

• Cacophony demands Kieran tell them his backstory because if they wait until later he'll die tragically and ironically in battle.
• When Kit states that Skyharbour only has one road leading in from the desert, Cacophony excitedly announces that they're dramatically entering in V-shape.
  Aelfgifu: Like geese! *beat* Honk!
• Kit finds a dog token for Aelfgifu's latest Bag of Tricks pet, and apprently it's a highly compressed jpg image.
  Annie: This dog has been saved seven times on facebook and has had text added to it and Minions.
• Artie, looking for magic weapons to damage the mummy, asks where the pawn shop is. While standing in front of it and facing the other direction.
• The mummy lord speaks a word that causes several people present to become stunned...but not Aelfgifu's dog, which rolls a nat 20 to succeed.
  • Annie says that even if the dog dies it doesn't really, it just goes to a nice happy farm inside the bag. And then wonders if all the animals Aelfgifu's pulled out so far are the same being in different bodies, A Dog's Purpose style.
• Cacophony sates that the mummy lord is probably using legendary actions when it starts casting really powerful spells, so it can probably only cast them a few times. Aelfgifu, stunned and doubled over in pain, shakily raises a thumbs up in response.
• When Cacophony gets hit hard, she declares she's at rug-levels.
• Once again, Artie is able to one-shot the mummy lord with his Tank Top.
  Artie: Did I get it?
• After the battle, Aelfgifu asks Kieran if he can be her new dad. Or step-dad. Or uncle.

Episode 51 - Pan to the Fireplace

• Jylliana and Aelfgifu wonder where Cacophony and Thazita will "do it" while they're on the ship together, with Aelfgifu concerned since the two of them share a room. Jyll casually reminds her that last time Cacophony had sex on the ship they had an extra room (re: the bathysphere that got stuck in the side).
  • Cacophony had left just before this conversation to change into something more comfortable. She comes back dressed as a sexy mummy, and her companions wonder if it's too soon.
  • Then they decide she'd probably be interested only if Cacophony can adequately roleplay as who the mummy was in life. Cacophony decides that, since there aren't any mummies in Stormhaven, she needs to dress as something she's familiar with—bog bodies.
• Stewart (the Bag of Tricks dog) is still compressed.
  Kit: If you compress and then decompress a dog a thousand times is it still a dog?
  Rio: Uh, yeah, have you seen pugs?
• Annie says that Jyll tells Thazita all about the World Eater cult during a star wipe. Cue star-wipe sound-effect.
• Jyll, Aelfgifu, and Artie awkwardly try to leave and go shopping so that they can leave Cacophony and Thazita to "meet Dewey". Cacophony awkwardly tries to join them after Thazita did in fact comment that her outfit was too soon.
  • Annie shares a comment from her husbands grandmother, which Jyll then passes on to Thazita and Cacophony: "be safe, and if you can't be safe be careful, and if you can't be careful don't name it after me".
• When they go shopping, Artie decides to "go swindle that shopkeeper". The one who's store he'd already kicked in the door of and stole an enchanted glaive from (which is still in his pack and he has no intention of returning). Between a good persuasion check and the audacity, he manages to convince the shopkeep to give them a discount on top of their hero discount.
  • Artie is confused that the shopkeep has business cards, but the shopkeep reminds them that it's an import and export shop.
  Artie: Dirt?
  Shopkeep: Hmm?
  Artie: There's only dirt here now. We killed the mummy.
  Shopkeep:...technically it's sand.
  • Jylliana buys a little plaster sphynx (for two gold because she feels bad for the shopkeep) as a souvenir.
  Jyll: I'm gonna put you on a shelf!
  • The party had an hour to kill, and most of the rest of it is spent by Artie either debating over buying Gauntlets of Ogre Power and Artie paying for them. In several denominations of coins.
  Kit: Are you gonna hand him 3000 gold in quarters?
• It turns out the Gauntlets make your Strength score 19 while wearing them, and have no effect if it's naturally 19 or higher. Artie's Strength is 20. The cast applaud.
• The stinger.
  Annie: Hi Jake. Welcome to another session of "gays doing math".
  Alexi: We need a theme song.

There and Back Again (episodes 52-62)

Episode 52 - There and Back Again

• Maq reveals that Cacophony had spent the last four days in the desert just reapplying new makeup over the old stuff, and is only just now pealing it all off.
• Aelfgifu doesn't want to spend much time in Krynnspace in case it makes her ring act up again.
  Aelfgifu: It's finally leaving me alone for the most part.
  Jylliana: Don't say that too loud.
  Aelfgifu: *whispering* It's finally leaving me alone for the most part.
• Aelfgifu tries to convince Captain Bondar to get a ship chicken, but she declines because they're running out of room for crew and pets, plus you can't just have one chicken.
  Artie: They would get said.
  Bondar: They scream if they're alone because they think they're gonna die.
  • When pressed, Bondar explains that Nevaris had the same idea, and it spent the entire time screaming because it thought it was gonna die.
  Aelfgifu: I mean we all do that in our own times in our own ways and you don't hold it against us?
  Bondar: Constantly! None of us could sleep! *beat* Anyway we ate the chicken.
  Jylliana: How was it?
  Bondar: Meh.
  • Aelfgifu comments that there will be other chickens, then Alexi worries she's turning into Gonzo.
• Aelfgifu gets a pseudodragon familiar. It takes a pat no problem. She names it Breadsticks.
• When she bursts out of her room to announce her new pet, Jyll is half asleep and thinks somebody died.
  Jylliana: No there's breadsticks in your hand...is this awake?
• Thazita is awake early that morning to see the party off, and Xilwyn dives below deck so she can quickly change back into Cacophony.
  • Thazita mentions not wanting to be rude and leave before saying goodbye, and Jyll mutters under her breath about Thazita knowing nothing about being rude.
  Aelfgifu: Easy! Easy! We're almost off the planet!
  Kit: You've made it this far without punching a lizard!
• Alexi insists that Breadsticks must be gold and a she.
  Alexi: Trying to figure out how it becomes "Breadstickanth".
  • Thazita just so happens to have a children's board book about pseudodragons that she can give to Aelfgifu.
• As The Kestrel departs, Thazita waves a hanky like she's watching an old-fashioned cruise, Aelfgifu flips off the swan, and Artie fires his cannon into the desert.
  Aelfgifu: You know that has to land somewhere, right Artie?
  Artie: Yeah, the desert.
  Aelfgifu: Uncle Kieran's gonna get a rude awakening.
• Jylliana calls a meeting of her friends, and barely gets a sentence out before Xilwyn suggests polyamory.
  Jylliana: I just wanted to know how to ask out a boy...
  Xilwyn: That's what we're talking about too.
  • Xilwyn tells Jyll to focus on Lachlan's beefy-boy-ab-things.
  Kit: "Beefy-boy-ab-things", the words of a lesbian who doesn't understand the appeal of men.
  • Aelfgifu and Xilwyn try help Jyll stop worrying about Max by saying they put him in a box and put him on a shelf. Artie gets a little distressed in the background because he thinks Max has literally been stuffed in a box.
  • Lachlan doesn't understand Jyll has a crush on him but, in Aelfgifu's words, "he looks at you the way a deer looks like an apple".
  • After suggesting simple strategies like asking Lachlan on a date and specifying that it is a date, the trio suddenly escalte to planning a game of seven minutes in heaven and rigging it so Jyll and Lachlan end up together.
  Jyll: Why would you do this to me?!
  Aelfgifu: Because we're your friends!
  • Aelfgifu reminds Jyll that her own first kiss was easy, "you just put your lips on the leafy bits".
  • Artie and Xilwyn reveal that they've heard Jylliana sneak into the library and read smutty books in the middle of the night and quietly Squee, and Jyll is scandalized.
• Cacophony heads to a different part of the ship and overhears Veli, Kara, and Lachlan basically having the exact same conversation from Lachlan's angle.
  Lachlan: I just don't know what she wants from me.
  Kara: She wants your dick, Lachlan!
  Cacophony:*bursts through the door* Kara's right and I'm here to solve the issue!
  • Kara happens to be helming the ship at the time, which means she hears everything on inside it as well. Cacophony asks her how she's able to hold a private conversation with Lachlan while she's doing this.
  Kara: I just honestly tune you guys out a whole bunch. You guys talking is just "white noise, book club, book club, smut, I want Lachlan's dick, book club, smut, I don't want to do chores", you kind of tune it out after a while.
  • This means she's caught off guard when Cacophony casually mentions that Aelfgifu's first love was a rotting, dessicated tree.
  • Jyll mutters that she doesn't have any hard evidence about if Lachlan likes her.
  Artie: I've seen some hard evidence.
  Jyll: I will murder you in your sleep.
  • Xilwyn very seriously insists to Jyll that she really did hear straight from Lachlan that he wants to have a real relationship with her and not just a fling, and he just doesn't know how to go about things the right way. After a pause...
  Annie: Jyll has shorted out.
  • It's at this point that Annie reveals she'd sent another Sending to Tuatha.
  Jylliana: Thanks much. Hey...so like...h-h-how would you suggest...hypothetically...asking a boy out on a date. A-a-actually nevermind! Shit, how do you cancel a—*Sending ends*
  Tuatha: Oooh! Jyll! Well it's really simple, but you're not gonna like it. You get him by himself, look him in the eys, say "Lachlan"—*Sending ends*
• Last minute motivation
  Aelfgifu: In the words of my father: "git 'er done".
  Xilwyn: The picture I have of your father is getting stranger and stranger each day.
• Aelfgifu tries to teach Breadsticks how to fetch: throwing a ball, bring it back to her when she doesn't chase it, handing it back and letting her toss it, repeat. It takes twenty minutes before she realizes Breadsticks is teaching her how to fetch.
• Jyll decides to finally do the damn thing. After ten minutes of psyching herself up.
  Jyll: Ssssso...how...how are you?
  Lachlan: Jyll please ask me out already.
  Jyll: What.
  • Jyll calls Lachlan "nightmarishly good looking", prompting Rio (who drew the art that was so hot he became an Ascended Extra) to lean in close to their mic and murmur "you're welcome".
  • He says yes!
  Lachlan: You weren't prepared for me saying "yes", were you?"
  • And even after this Jyll continues to spiral, until Artie bangs on the door. "Finish asking him out!"
• As Jyll takes the helm, she can hear Kara.
  Kara:*high-pitched voice* Ooh I have a rich inner life! Ooh I'm the protagonist of the story! Ooh!
  • Artie's plastered flush against the door when Lachlan opens it to leave, and squishes him against the wall.
• Xilwyn helps Jyll understand that she and Lachlan are on a very similar level, despite her worries.
  Xilwyn: He has his problems, you have your problems, he has to learn how to deal with your nervous anxiety, you have to learn how to deal with his...manly-woodsy-beefiness stuff.
• The episode pauses to explain the show's new Patreon tiers, which basically amount to "for $10 a month you can send us fantasy smut for us to discuss in-character", aka, Smutty Book Club. Which Artie cannot participate in, because he cannot read.

Episode 53 - Summon Space

• "Welcome home! Here's a giant space squid."
  • Lachlan attacks the Krajen in frustration and yells out "Jesus Christ" before the players have Kit adjust to "Space Paladin Christ!"
  • Artie asks Lachlan why he's so squishy and shames him for getting close to the tentacles.
• After landing, Artie gets distracted by the cats all around the dock. But calls them all "Toolbox".
• Cacophony and Jyll see someone watching them from the ocean before they dive away.
  Jyll: Uh...Artie are there friends of yours in this sphere?
  Artie:*distracted* You are Toolbox Two...you are Toolbox Three...you are Buttercup...
  Cacophony: Artie! We just saw someone watching us from underwater, could you check that out please?
  Artie: I don't see anybody.
  Cacophony: They swam underwater, Artie.
  Jyll: Are there merfolk on Aesheim? I don't remember hearing any stories about that, do you?
  Cacophony: I think I've heard some sexy merfolk stories.
  Jyll: I mean real ones.
  • Artie rolls insight and gets low enough that he decides he doesn't care, and likes being watched anyway. Jyll decides it's probably a good idea not to send their "resident fish himbo" into the ocean alone.
• They go shopping at Westbrook Curiosities, and discover that Ariadne has since bought the two buildings next to her.
  Kit: Real estate is really cheap when the buildings are on fire.
• Artie insults Ariadne's dignity and gets them kicked out of the shop temporarily. When Jyll points out that she runs the only shop in Stormhaven, Artie points out there are other towns and suggests following the person under the water to see if they know any shops themselves.

Episode 54 - An Awful Lot Like Life

• Jylliana tells Mother Sylvia at the Temple of Ethla about her adventures, but attempts to dance around Lachlan...and does so so poorly that she makes it incredibly obvious that she has a thing for him.
  • When Jyll asks permission to officially take a leave of absence, Mother Sylvia fully accepts.
  Jyll: Besides, it's not like I can leave them alone.
  Sylvia: Yes, it sounds like they'd all die without you there.
• Meanwhile, Cacophony has been trying to explain to Artie why surface buildings are made of wood. He can't seem to wrap his ahead around the concept of "we use it because we have a lot of it."
  • Then Cacophony tries to teach him (a king) about anti-capitalism...or anti-feudalism?
  • Also, Jylliana tries to help by saying that the wood doesn't rot as quickly because it's treated with sealant.
  Artie: No, no, seals do not make good pets.
• As the trio walk through the gardens by the temple:
  Kit: The gardens are nice. Artie, the gardens aren't that nice.
  • He calls the whole area "cute", and is disappointed in the lack of statues of naked people.
  • After Jyll explains why they holy grounds probably wouldn't be improved by the presence of stone titties, Annie cuts in to quickly mention most of the worshippers are women so there's a lot of titty anyway.
  • Cacophony asks if it's alright for her to light incense for Ethla even if she doesn't worship her, and Jyll explains that the intention is more important than the technicalities.
  Jyll: One of Ethla's major aspects is of maternity, and what kind of mother would she be if she didn't know that, y'know, sometimes kids do stupid shit but they mean well.
  Kit: I feel like "sometimes kids do stupid shit but they usually mean well" is the perfect condensation of "Ethla knows we are weak and yet she asks for strength".
• Jyll gets a little surprised at how bad Artie is at surface-concepts.
  Jyll: How have you spent so much time above sea level and still not know what a fire is or, what's the word, burns?
  Artie: I was drunk most of the time. You guys don't have a lot of liquor.
• An NPC tries to sneak up on Artie while he's sleeping, but stubs their toe on his bed.
  • Jyll takes forever to wake up, and isn't doing great when she does.
  Jyll:*sleepily* Artie?...you bein' assassimated?
  • Rio has to double check if Artie takes extra damage from lightning because he's a fish.
  Annie:*fighting through giggles* Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else..
• Jyll and Artie try to figure out how to help Artie fake his death in order to abdicate the throne. Arie casually mentions that if his people got his corpse then he'd be thrown into the lava pit.
  • They try to convince Artie to cut his hair so that they could present it as a trophy by saying it would be dramatic. And they could sing during it.
• After ending on a shark about to attack the party, the stinger features Maq telling Kit that her other D&D game has weresharks with great butts, so any sharks that attack must also have great butts. Annie adds that in The Fallen Gods, all the merfolk there have great butts. And The Shape of Water...basically any sea creature needs a great butt.

Episode 55 - Thirty Seconds of Shark Fight

• Aelfgifu claims the reason she disappeared just before the krajen attacked was that she was playing hide-and-seek with Breadsticks.
  • Upon hearing that her compatriots are in disguises, Alexi decides that everyone also has fake mustaches.
  • Aelfgifu's caught up on the situation by Wyn pointing and shouting "bad shark!" Pretty much everyone picks up on shouting that before attacking it.
  • As soon as she pushes the shark back far enough to keep it from attacking one turn, Aelfgifu asks if the boat is big enough for the Bag of Tricks.
• The shark is grappling Artie in its mouth, and Aelfgifu fruitlessly tries to make it drop him. By commanding it like a dog.
  Aelfgifu: Drop it! Drop the fish!
  Annie: "What do you have?" "A king!" "NO!"
• When explaining how the shark can technically move around despite flopping around on land, Kit points out that D&D assumes every creature is a frictionless cube.
• Wyn is bad at singing, so her attempt at Dissonant Whispers has her clap her hands and go "ooh, creepy noises in your head!"
  Annie: It's no wonder her family can't tell she's Cacophony.
  • Mantle of Inspiration.
  Maq: You know at the start of a cartoon it starts building up to a triumphant fanfare and then it just kinda dies as the horns go out of tune and fall apart.
  Annie: Yes.
  Maq: It's like that but visually.
  Annie: What!?
  Maq: Wyn kind of rubs her hands, there's a pick up of wind behind her, and then—
  Wyn: Okay you guys can move faster now.
• Artie is very put out over being eaten.
  Artie: Let go of me!
  Jyll: You're not king on this planet, Artie.
  Artie: Diplomatic immunity!
• Stuck controlling the water to keep everyone from drowning, Jyll begs everyone to drink their healing potions. They're probably watermelon flavoured.
• Aelfgifu insists that sharks are perfectly smooth.

Episode 56 - Five Questions

• Artie finds a symbol etched into the seafloor that represents the Elemental Plane of Water, though he doesn't know it.
  Jylliana: You know about the Elemental Plane of Water, right?
  Artie: Uh...
  Kit: That's where Tritons come from.
  Artie: Yes!
  • He then refers to the Plane as "the Mommy Land", and Jyll is worried there's something psycho-sexual going on.
• Deciding to avoid water until they have a handle on the assassination plot, Aelfgifu leads the party to her home woods. She spends the trek pointing out all the trees she's fallen out of and all the places she fought with badgers and skunks.
• Jyll Sendings an update to Captain Bondar that amounts to "Artie has a hit out on him. Keep an eye out for fish".
• When Artie hears that the mob equivalent in Port Meridian, he declares that he went drinking with one of them once. Beat. He was an asshole.
• Jyll offers to bless Aelfgifu's house since this is the first time she's been their since her adoptive father passed away. While telling her that's not necessary, Aelgfifu casually mentions that he may have been eaten by coyotes anyway. Then she says she doesn't actually know where her dad's body is.
  Jyll: Okay let's go hide-and-seek for a corpse.
• Her father, Greyson, didn't have many personal objects. Maq asks if there was a "#1 Dad Mug", and Alexi corrects it to "#1 Dad Figure". Then she says it was actually just a rotten apple with the phrase scratched into it.
• After a brief discussion on how Greyson held on to browned apples so Aelfgifu cold throw them out the window, which is rather somber and subdued, this exchange happens.
  Aelfgifu:...he looks kind of like an apple now.
  Xilwyn: Do you want to throw him out the window?
  Annie: Yes, yeet that body out the window!
• When Aelfgifu sees the body prepared for burial.
  Aelfgifu: He is dead? He's not just sleeping?
  Annie:...yeah.
  Kit: I just wanna remind you, he is partially decomposed.
• When Jyll tries to explain how Speak With Dead works, she says to ask the questions in a way that leaves room for the spirit to be...weird.
  Aelfgifu: He was cryptic in life, so if he's cryptic in death it'll be comforting.
• Xilwyn turns back into Cacophony to provide music for the wake, and returns in a Fur Bikini.
  Annie: It's sexy Gritty.
  Maq: It's sexy elf druid, 5e.
  • Also:
  Alexi: Aelfgifu mourns her father by staring at Cacophony's furry tits.
  Annie: This is greavage cleavage.

Episode 57 - Mom Made Mimosas

• Any instance of Xilwyn's parents being roleplayed is just other player's improvising since Maq never actually gave Annie info on them.
• You can't miss Xilwyn's family farm because a few years back her mom insisted on painting everything bright blue.
  • There's a brief tangent about how the directions are very rural "turn at the tree". Alexi bemoans a time when the moose crossing sign near her home fell over and the family no longer had any landmarks to direct people by.
• Xilwyn's only sibling left at home is her younger brother Kerillian ("Killian"), who has an obsession with Cacophony.
  Annie: Oh no, is he attracted to women?
  Maq: Yes.
  *chorus of "oh no"*
  Maq: Oh god no he's gay! He's gay! I don't like this anymore! He admires her like one might admire Barbra Streisand.
• Jylliana asks Mother Sylvia for a study guide, since she's worried she's reached the edge of her studies. The Abbess replies that she's far-exceeded the ablities of all the clerics in the order. Jyll is...a little overwhelmed.
  Rio: Ask her about your wings.
  Alexi: Ask for a promotion! Now you are the grand cleric!
  • Also:
  Jyll: I guess I'll just...wing it? Is that a joke about about how I can manifest wings, I don't know.
• Xilwyn tells her mom that Aelfgifu sometimes gets sucked into the Feywild. Her mom immediately asks her if she knows a Bob.
• Aelfgifu eventually gets overwhelmed with the company and ends up talking to the family pet, a Pine Marten named Fusspot. Fusspot is a notorious gossip and tells her all the secrets he's learned about neighbouring farms.
• Xilwyn offers the party to spend the night in their home, but warns them not to drink anything in her sister Filauriel's room since she's a wizard's apprentice, and not to go in her brother Rori's room because he's a creep.
  Xilwyn: I say that lovingly as his sister, but he's definitely a creep.
  Mrs. Xilwyn: He's got that little chemistry set set up, you probably don't wanna touch any of that. It smells like drugs!
  Xilwyn: He's really into elf weed, but we can't let mom know -
  Mrs. Xilwyn: Oh I know he's into elf weed, he just doesn't wanna talk about it!
  Xilwyn: Mom! Ugh.
  Mrs. Xilwyn: I'm just saying, I love him very much, but he needs to get on that good shit! He needs the dank kush!
  Kit: I was about to say I very much appreciate Annie being here to roleplay a midwestern mom for me, but then it took a turn.
  Annie: You don't know that many midwestern moms!
  Mrs. Xilwyn: I'm a cool mom!
• Aelfgifu calls Kieran, her "suncle" (sand uncle). He seems perturbed, so she asks to talk to Seerka instead because she likes her better.
  • On the subject of her possibly coming from space.
  Kieran: Can I talk to this Nevaris?
  Aelfgifu: Noooooooo. Dead.
• In the stinger, Aelfgifu is declared that show's Baby Yoda.

Episode 58 - Sending with Boys in Ships

• Between Aelfgifu's connection to the Star Wardens and Ariadne's belief that that Draconians were looking for a specific person at the temple, Artie starts guessing that both Aelfgifu and Jylliana are secret princesses. Jyll denies this and states that less secret royalty onboard would be great, actually.
  Kit: When everyone's secret royalty, no one is.
• Artie dictates a message for Jyll to send to Max.
  Jyll: Hi Max. It's Arturos. How are you? We are okay. Someone tries to kill me but whatevs. I love you. You can say hi back.
  Max: Artie?! Why do you sound like Jyll? What's this about someone trying to kill you? I'm on New Vodo right now, but as soon as -*Sending ends*
  Aelfgifu: Classic mistake.
  Artie: He should have counted it out.
  Aelfgifu: You gotta count on your fingers.
  Jyll: You happy now?
  • They're not, and the party has her compose another message to him. It specifically says that everyone but Jyll is worried about him, and when he replies he still gets cut off.
• When they dock in Port Meridian, they receive a package from Tuatha containing Tekkaris' notes, a spare house key reading "for the captain ;)", a bunch of spiced potatoes, and more smut books.
  Cacophony: They released more in the series! We're up to eleven!

Episode 59 - Date Night

• Lachlan wasn't around for the party's encounter with Grak, so he's pretty surprised that Jyll's first experience with space was getting grifted by a penguin in the sewers.
  • He mentions a certain person's first experience was taking the reentry angle too hot and partially burning up the ship, which may've caused a certain plant-person to hold a grudge and get a lot of diner bills covered because of it.
• When they go to meet with The Cinders, a crime organization in Port Meridian, Xilwyn and Kara see the most nondescript man who's ever lived.
  Kit: This guy looks like a rough average of every insurance underwriter who's ever lived in the universe.
  Rio: The most middle of middleman.
  Annie: He's the middle slider!
• As this goes on, Rio and Alexi have been rolling to see Artie and Aelfgifu keep their cool or run out to check up on their friends. So far, so good.
  Annie: You know you can just leave, right?
  Rio: No, it's funnier this way.
  • And when Xilwyn returns she calls them out!
  Xilwyn: Frankly I'm insulted. Here I thought we were a bunch of nosey busybodies and you're sitting here with Mr. Hurst! Hi Mr. Hurst I love you.
  • Cut to Jylliana checking over her shoulder at every rustling bush.
  • Xilwyn invites Mr. Hurst to stalk Jyll and Lachlan with them. He passes, since he doesn't stalk very well.
• Kit tells Rio that Artie recognizes the vortex symbol worn by the woman who ordered the hit on him - it's worn by members of the clergy in his homeworld.
  Artie: Oh that's Fish Pope!
• Lachlan tries to impress Jyll by grossing her out with ratzies (fried rats on a stick) and telling her about the dangerous restaurants he's eaten at at home. We also learn about his parents: a reedy little orc dude and a huge, powerful human woman. Everyone immedately asks if they can meet his mom.
  Annie: Please don't have sex with my maybe-boyfriend's mother!
  Maq: I wanna meet her out-of-character.
• Jyll takes Lachlan to Shrine Row to show him the shrine to Ethla, and he asks if he has to convert to date her.
  • She uses Tuatha's handkerchief to clean the shrine, then asks if he realizes it's a token.
  Jyll: Like, a token of a lady's affections and if someone takes it then they're sort of accepting the affections - well, technically this is Tuatha so it's more like a coupon for one free fuck whenever you want it probably.
  • Also, while watching, Xilwyn flexes because his obliviousness means she won the bet.
• When Lachlan tells Jyll he didn't want to make the first move and is waiting for her to ask before trying anything, the others begin chatting about telepathically telling her to ask for a kiss. They talk enough that the need to do another stealth check. Now on the upside, they're under the effect of Pass Without a Trace. The downside is Artie only got 16 and Jyll got 20, so she still spots him.
  • Aelfgifu panics and Misty Steps away, taking the stealth bonus with her. Artie then hops out of the bushes on foot and books it, and Xilwyn casually strolls out.
  Jyll:...y'know it was nice to be completely surveiled for a couple of hours.
  Lachlan: Yeah, that was fun. We should try it again sometime.
• After Jyll's huge speech to Lachlan about why she's fallen for him, she ends it with "any comments, questions, or concerns?"
  Rio: Like, rate, and subscribe.
  • And Lachlan thanks her for sharing, then asks if she wants to go somewher and make out.
• In the stinger, Annie's husband brings her coffee. Then asks if her fake orc boyfriend ever brought her coffee.

Episode 60 - The Assassination Of Arturos Prosperoth By The Opportunist Hatcher

• Jyll is still making out with Lachlan as the episode begins.
• When planning the faking of Artie's death, Artie asks what his motivation is.
• The combination of Xilwyn having expertise in Stealth and being under Pass Without a Trace means she can roll a nat 1 and still come out the other side with a 23. Maq clarifies that Wyn is great at stealth, Cacophony's the one who has issues.
• Everyone starts swooning over the assailant pushing Artie against the wall and being broad shouldered.
• Artie refuses to give up anything as proof of death, not wanting to give up any teeth, fingers, or especially his hair (which his party had already suggested). He has to roll investigation on himself to figure out that the last one is the least painful option - at least physically.
  • He faints when he sees the handfull of hair in the guy's hand.
  • Aelfgifu summons Gnompers to carry Artie back to the ship. They have to roll stealth since anyone spotting him on the way back would realize the death was faked, and Gnompers gets a nat 20.
• Annie cites the poetic justice of Artie's character passing out in sewer after his other character abandoned them in the same sewer. Rio claims he's never been to the sewers.
  • Artie can't get up to clean himself because Breadsticks has curled up and fallen asleep on top of him while everyone coos.
• The rest of the party goes to the Seeker library. Jyll signs up for a card ("having fun isn't hard when you've got a library card"), Cacophony doesn't plan on checking anything out (or rather, she's already checking something out), and Aelfgifu asks for the coolest part of the library (the librarian points her towards the nonfiction section on cool animals).
  • While Kit steps aside to figure out which Dewey Category high-level magic spells is under, Aelfgifu is in a nook with stuffies reading about animals.
  Aelfgifu: Did you know that wombats have square buttholes?
  Jyll: Does that make their poop square?
  Aelfgifu: Yeah!
  Jyll: Wild. What's a wombat?
  • Also, the location of the high-level magic is in the fun-and-games section (as in, magic tricks). Though the players point out that in real life that's usualy where sourcebooks end up anyways.
  • While researching Sigil, Jyll finds "The Manual of the Planes".
  Alexi: Aw jeez.
  Kit: I was hoping for that reaction from Alexi.
  Alexi: God dammit. 'Tis a silly place.
• Jyll is trying to gain access to some Ethlan artifacts that are kept pretty secure by the Broken Palace, and the Librarian just straight up suggests her getting in touch with The Cinders to help break in.
  Kit: Librarians know everything.

Episode 61 - Aelfgifu Commits a Perfect Crime

• Aelfgifu asks Wyn if she can borrow her thieve's tools. "The drama queen in me wants to know why."
  • Just her determination to get ahold of some cool-looking forbidden books in general.
  • Aelfgifu considers the logistics of stealing a book from the library's archives, all while Annie is desperately whispering "climate controlled room". Her plan leads to her eating all her snacks very quickly in order to fit the book in there, then Misty Stepping outside and wedging it between an owl and a goat (Gwendoyln and Gnompling) from her Bag of Tricks, with Breadsticks on the way to make sure they don't wreck it.
• Jyll invokes all the Ethlan wrath she can to intimidate Aelfgifu into tracking down the book after the goat loses it.
• The so-called Prince in the Broken Palace is a man draped sideways over a gold and silver throne, clad in tight pink pants, feeding himself grapes, and reading a smutty romance novel about a beekeeper.
  • Jyll tries to get permission to examine the Ethlan artifacts.
  Seneschal: Do you have any identification?
  Jyll: I have a library card.
  Seneschal: Do you have a second piece of identification?
  Jyll: I have a second library card.
• The episode ends with Artie crying over his hair.

Episode 62 - Hair Care

• The episode starts with Artie still crying, while Jyll has Captain Bondar fill out a permission slip for her (due to her two library card situation).
  Annie: You wouldn't just give a library card to somebody who's not who they say they are.
  Rio: You wouldn't download a library card.
  Alexi: You wouldn't steal a book. Oh, wait.
  • Captain Bondar hesitates before signing the permission slip because signing things without reading them is how you end up in unwanted contracts. Queue everyone glancing at Aelfgifu, playing with Breadsticks.
  Aelfgifu: No regrets.
• They receive another message, this time a recording of Grak talking about a smutty book. Then the NPCs complain about everyone doing a book club without them.
• Artie's distress over his hair is because back on his homeworld people would say "there goes Arturos, the prettiest of his sisters."
• Jyll gets some snark in when she Sendings to Max.
  Jyll: Max. Yes, it's Jylliana. Sendings: twenty five words maximum, one message, one reply. What, pirate/royalty not Send often? Message from Artie to follow.
  • Artie's reply, which Jyll says exactly the same.
  Artie/Jyll: Dear Max. I am okay. They did a terrible thing and you have to see. Don't tell people I'm alive. Love you, kisses. X O.
  *beat*
  Jyll: Wait did I just say "love you"?
  Max: Artie, please tell me you haven't been mutilated or something. Won't tell. Thanks Jyll for relaying the message. Love you too.
• Artie tries to analyze Jyll's feelings about Max, but gets lost.
  Artie: There are two wolfboys in your heart. One is an asshole, and the other one is stupid, and you have to feed one. Both of them are named Toby.
  Jyll: I don't think I understand where this metaphor is going.
  Aelfgifu: No I don't think I've heard this one before. So you feed one wolf to the other wolf?
  Artie: Max told me about that though.
  Jyll: Told you about werewolves named Toby. And one of them's stupid.
  Artie: Yes, and you have to feed the asshole Toby...because the dumbass Toby...would have died anyways.
  Jyll: What does that mean Arturos.
  Aelfgifu: What are we supposed to learn? What's the point of the parable?
  Artie: Feed your asshole? I don't know. Where were we going with this?
  Aelfgifu: You started it! Where are you going with it? We can't answer that for you!
  Artie: I'm going to my room!

Biancarda (episodes 63-83)

Episode 63 - The Sky is Lizards

• Aelfgifu reads her book and gains two permanent points in Charisma! Also all the pages go blank once she finishes reading it, so she just slides it back in its special box without telling Jylliana.
  • She's also learned new spells, so she starts practicing Mirror Image and Invisibility. Between those, her already prepared Misty Step, Breadsticks, and a new confident personality, she's ready to cause problems.
  • The group also debate the plural of her, trying out Aelfgifus, Aelfgifoo, Aelfgifae, Aelfgifis.
  Annie: Flock of Aelfgifus really just had the two singles. "I Misty Stepped So Far Away".
  • Since the book she read to get these was about leadership, she keeps trying to use business speech to help solve people's problems. It's really unsettling.
  Artie: Aelfgifu you have a glow about you now.
  Jyll: I think that's just the lingering spell effects from the last time she just warped into the room instead of walking down the hall!
  Aelfgifu: I can do it once per day!
  Jyll: It's a small boat, you don't need to do that!
  Aelfgifu: Yeah but it makes a silvery mist.
  Jyll: I know. I know. It smells like lavender, and I hate it.
  Artie: I like it.
  Aelfgifu: See!
  Jyll: Yeah, it would be fine if it was a little bit of lavender, but it's really overpowering lavender, it's like I just walked into a soap shop.
  Aelfgifu: Maybe we can find what our goals are and find a middle ground.
  Jyll: ...can you do honeysuckle?
  Aelfgifu: That sounds like an acceptible compromise.
• When discussing how Aelfgifu barely remmebers her time in the Feywild, Jyll suggests hse write notes on her arms. Just like that book she read about a guy who's memory goes backwards. That reminds Aelfgifu about a book she read about a guy who ages backwards. It also reminds Artie about 50 First Dates, at which point Kit calls a moratorium on the bit.
• Jylliana laughs with manic glee after blowing up the Neogi Death Spider Ship and asks if there's anything else she can blow up. She calms down a little when Lachlan points out doing that willy-nilly would be piracy, technically. Aelfgifu is fine with that, and Artie is surprised that they're not still pirates.
  • This leads into a debate over what they are. They're not pirates, they're not taking jobs so they're not technically merchants, and if they worked for a government they'd be privateers. They settle on "friends".
• Aelfgifu hides in the store room to have extra snacks, and gets stuck there when Jylliana and Lachlan sneak in to make out and don't notice her.
  Alexi: She regrets using her daily Misty Step to get to the kitchen faster.

Episode 64 - An Even Worse, More Dangerous, Trashy Flamingo

• Aelfgifu has to load Jyll's cannon.
  Jyll: Don't be weird, Aelfgifu.
  Alexi: That's just what she's repeating in her head.
• As they approach the planet, they have a quick offscreen book club (see Episode 5 of it below). When they return:
  Annie: Okay, so we've come out the other - nope, not saying that. Book Club's over, we're all very concerned about the word "tangerine".
  Alexi: Veli can make fruit!
  Annie: But not tangerines.
• When discussing Aelfgifu giving books back, Artie suggests hucking it threw an open window. Aeflgifu wants to just mix it in with Jyll's books, but Jyll refuses to be party to her crimes.
  • Artie tries to make Jyll back off of Aelfgifu by saying she's not her mom. Then Aelfgifu panics because for all she knows, she could be.
  • She rolls a 12 on an insight check.
  Kit: Fuck it, Jyll could be your mom.
  Aelfgifu: Anything is possible these days.
  Kit: Space is already so goddamn weird.
  • Jyll asks Aelfigfu's age and it turns out they're both around the same age, so Jyll can't be her mom. Cacophony could be time-wise, but Aelfgifu rejects that because Cacophony's hot and that makes it weird.
  • Artie suggests causing a distraction to help Aelfgifu return her book, and Jyll panics that they'll wreck a library. Or be arrested for public nudity in a library.
• The party is taken aback by the hundreds of ships orbitting Biancarda, especially a butterfly-shaped one that looks like it was grown rather than built.
  Artie: Ooh, that is pretty. Oh hey, that one looks like a duck!
• Aelfgifu sees Breadsticks fighting with a giant, ugly, bright pink seagull over a french fry.

Episode 65 - Senagora

• As they enter a market area, Jylliana immediately loses track of everyone - Aelfgifu wander off and find churros, Cacophony follows a guy on a unicycle playing the bagpipes and starts dueting with him.
  Jyll: We have to go! We have business!
  Cacophony: Just let me finish the song!
  Jyll: How long is it?
  Cacophony: Five more minutes.
  Jyll: No!
• They meet Countess Aguilar, a sexy Secretary Bird Aaracockra who's basically Washimi. Alexi muses they shouldn't ask her to step on them.
  • She can get them into Countess Tornincasa's party if they pose as the personal guard of her gentleman lover. Out walks Grak. Cacophony happily greets him. Jylliana rolls an attack. Artie has to wrestle her to the ground.
  Kit: We specifically levelled up Grak on the assumption that Jylliana would attack him on sight.
• Aguilar hates how Tornincasa has never had a real job, how she acts like the leader of the City Council, how she dresses tacky even though she runs a textile business, and she hates her tacky house. She's happy to give the party an avenue to mess up her house and just be as hideously embarrassing as possible.

Episode 66 - Fancy Banks Don't Have Dum-Dums

• Jylliana mentions that they need to ask if the missing bank teller was doing work under the table. Artie mentions doing tablework before.
  Artie: I didn't expect to get so much gold from that...
  Jyll: Artie...no.
• Cacophony and Alara, a bank manager, have a conversation in Thieve's Cant about dity jobs the party could take. But the parlance they're using involves good-looking buns in the marketplace.
  Alexi: Those buns are amazing!
  Annie: Anaconda don't want none.
• After finishing at the bank, the party goes for lunch. Cacophony checks symbols next to restaurants to see if the Theive's Guild has any recommendations.
  Jyll: The Thieve's Guild has a recommendation list?
  Cacophony: Almost for sure.
  Jyll: And it's a secret recommendation list?
  Kit: The more likely a restaurant looks like you're gonna be stabbed there, the better the food is.
  • The name that keeps coming up is Tasty Tom's, which Annie immediately pegs as some Edmonton bullshit and Alexi praises for their schnitzel.
  • While Aelfgifu, Jyll, and Cacophony try to figure out what's behind the disappearing nobles, Artie has a "Eureka!" Moment - solved the connect-the-dots puzzle on the kids menu!
  • Somehow, while deep in the kid's menu, he manages to get a date with the waitress.

Episode 67 - A Very Special Jemjammer Episode

• Natalia has determined that the Fiore twins are on the fourth floor of the hotel. Alexi jokingly asks if it's room 420, and then they decide that they are and the reason Aelfgifu knows is because her patron whispered it to her.
• To keep his cover, Cacophony introduces Artie as "Master Dankmaster 420". He mishears it as "Dickmaster".
• Artie stops Aelfgifu from doing cocaine.
  Artie: Last time I did that I ended up two spheres away with no pants. But really nice shoes...
• Cacophony uses Master of Tactics on Artie, which amounts to her telling him to hit very hard.
  Alexi: Sun Tzu ain't got nothing on you!
  • Artie repeatedly slamming Alberto into his piano, which may not be the most tactical maneuver but is fun to picture in Rio's mindspace (and is also accompanied by discordant piano noises in the background). Jyll one-ups this by casting Shatter to explode the piano. In roll20, Alexi puts a sad face on top of the piano.
• After defeating the twins:
  Kit: You solved my David and Alexis Rose puzzle.
  Aelfgifu: We finally meet people my age and this is what happens.

Episode 68 - Not Quite Nice

• The episode description: "Our heroes cool down after a long day of investigations and make several stupid decisions. They're sexy decisions, though, so we're also asking you to please pretend this is episode 69 instead of episode 68."
• When trying to figure out how to sneak out of the twins' room undetected, Artie suggests makeovers. Jylliana suggests cloaks would be better, so Artie suggests the curtains.
  Jyll: Look for clothing first, then we can do a Carol Burnett makeover.
• The party have to check what they get back for a short rest because they almost never do short rests. It's usually a day full of big fights and then going to bed!
• While Jyll heads back to the ship and Cacophony goes clubbing, Artie decides to wander.
  Rio: I wanna roll to see if I find a very bad idea.
  Annie: Artie lives dangerously. Artie lives stupidly, which is dangeorus.
  • He finds what Kit calls a very bad idea: a shop called Spinner's Transfiguration. The praying mantis-person who runs the place suggests making his skin tougher, which Artie agrees with because the clothing he prefers is not very protective - and points at his exposed nipple for emphasis.
  • He decides to pass on the skin-toughening for now because he's drunk, so instead he wanders off to find a tattoo shop. While drunk. And flirts with the buff minotaur running the place.
  Kit: Are you gonna have two one-night stands in one night Artie?
  Rio: Who knows? Maybe? That's up to you, Kit!
  Annie: Maybe they can get together, take care of all of that at once.
  • Rio argues that Artie should be allowed to get a magical tattoo since it's already in the new artwork. When that fails, they decide to go for a tramp stamp. And because Artie is leaving it in the minotaur's hands, everyone declares that this is in Kit's hands now.
  • He fails a constitution roll and fails to look tough in front of the hot minotaur.
  Rio: This was a bad idea.
  Kit: You asked for a bad idea!
  • It does, in fact, end in a fade-to-black with the minotaur - and ends just in time for him to get to the waitress and fade-to-black with her!
• Cacophony spots a hot dragonborn, but internally starts wondering whether she and Thazita are exclusive. But she's still dancing, which results in what the others describe as "a rictus of indecision and terror while twerking".
  Maq: I have no way to contact her to know! Other than a letter, but that'll take two months!
  Annie: Please do not have twenty-five words of the "what are we" conversation via your old pal Jylliana.
  Kit: Is Cacophony gonna head back to the ship to wake up Jyll?
  • Yes. After dancing with her a little bit, Cacophony does in fact clomp back to the ship (she's wearing platform heels), storms into Jyll's room to wake her up, drags her to Aelfgifu's room (Aelfgifu is currently yeeted to the Feywild), and writes out a carefully composed twenty-five word message while she wakes up.
  Cacophony: Do you think it would be more romantic if I wrote a letter?
  Jyll: I don't think there's a really romantic way to have the 'what are we' conversation in a panic at...midnight - eleven - something-late-o'clock.
  Cacophony: Alright, I just need to write a letter. I need to write a letter, and then I need to suffer for three - four - five - six - a year!
  Jyll: And then I'll suffer too.
  • She ends up picking the Sending option after consulting (yelling at them from below deck) Veli for advice.
  Jyll: Sorry. Cacophony wants to know: are we dating? If yes, are we open? I would ask in a letter, but that would take a while.
  Thazita: Hi Jylliana! Me and Cacophony aren't not-dating, but if she wants to see someone else I think that's okay. Is it serious though?
  Jyll: Why do they always ask follow-up questions.
  • When Cacophony starts brainstorming ways to send another reply, Jyll snaps at her to write it down because she's not paraphrasing.
  Jyll: I am not going to be party to a hilarious misunderstanding between a couple!
  • The reason Cacophony is insisting on doing this now instead of waiting until morning is so that she can take advantage of Jyll having spell slots and so that she doesn't spend all night panicking and overthinking. Jyll snarks about how that must be so weird. She also groans when Cacophony hands over her reply and is once again asking follow-up questions.
  Jyll: Hopefully she'll understand this is in Cacophony's voice. It's not serious. And I'd love it if we dated. How are you? Are you doing well? We found a cult of vampires.
  Maq: I'd like to thank word counter dot net.
  Jyll: You owe me a lot. I'm getting endless manicures from you or something.
• As the episode wraps up, Kit asks if Artie stumbles home in the middle of the night. Rio is offending they'd ask - Artie will be stumbling home in the middle of the day.

Episode 69 - A Harbor Fish Of Indeterminate Species

• Aelfgifu pops back from the Feywild and feels bad about destroying the piano the day before. Xilwyn admits it was a very nice piano, but the hotel will probably take it out of the Fiore twins' deposit.
  Wyn: That's why you pay deposits in hotel rooms.
  Jyll: In case you turn into vampires.
  Wyn: In case you turn into vampires and destroy things, it's in the clause.
  Jyll: No, adventurers destroy things.
  Aelfgifu: You invite in adventurers who knocked on your door, and they destroy your piano and kill you, and that's why you have a deposit.
  Wyn: Exactyl!
  Aelfgifu: I'm learning more about hotels every day.
• Aelfgifu insists on going fishing, then apologizes to Kit for forcing them to make a fishing minigame on the fly.
• Rio confirms that Artie would've stayed for a meal at the waitress' apartment, and then everyone bemoans what counts as a meal in this situation.
  Rio: Wink.
• Rio is shocked that Artie has survived with only a 1 in Survival. Annie points out it's on the grace of everyone around him.
• Annie's pretty sure Mr. Hurst can fish, probably between whittles.
  • Finn gives Aelfgifu a bag of mini marshmallows to use as bait.
  • Xilwyn gives Aelfgifu inspiration by telling her that she knows how to fish, she's played a lot fo video games. Annie is shocked by this, and concludes that the Feywild must be full of Nintendos.
  • After Aelfgifu successfully reels it in, everyone on the dock starts shouting at her not to eat it. Aelfgifu tries to calm them down by saying she's just gonna turn it into a Big Mouth Billy Bass.
• Jyll and Lachlan are shopping for Midwinter Birthinox presents, and accidentally run into Wyn and Aelfgifu looking for an artificer to taxiderm the fish. They're shocked that for once the other two are not stalking them to see how their date is doing.
• Lachlan tells Jyll about a Druid midwinter tradition back home that involved singing and dancing around a giant hog in on a spit in the square, and that he always felt like it was looking at him. Alexi starts giggling and tells them to stop saying "big hog". Kit refuses and the conversation turns to how good the hog smells, and how you don't want a sad hog.
• While looking in a bookstore for gifts, Jyll ends up going through the "dad book" section for Kara, then immediately detects the smut section (though it helps that it's the most well-trodden section of the store). Then she asks Lachlan if he wants anything.
  Lachlan: I mean you guys are pretty well stocked up.
  Jyll: Yeah, on one thing.
  • He's embarrassed to admit that he likes hardboiled detective novels. She teases him about wanting a jacket, and he sheepishly admits he actually wants the hat.
  • The book she got for Kara is the most expensive because it's "a real book", with a publisher and everything. Plus it's thick enough that you can kill spiders with it.
  • When she makes it to the till, she sees the bookstore cat lounging there beside a sing that says "Gone for lunch. Cat will make change." Then Annie has to figure out a way to give it money that necessitates change.
  Rio: We're so gay, why would you do this to us?
  Kit: The fact that I said "do you give the cat an amount of money where they have to make change" means you could have just handwaved it but no, you're doing math, this is a suffering you've inflicted on yourself.
• The stinger has Annie ask how to do a whisper on roll20.
  Alexi: *whispering* You do it like this.
  Annie: No honey.
  Alexi: It's an extra patreon level if you wanna hear us do that.
  Annie: No, Jake will legitimately quit if we do ASMR.

Episode 70 - Nap Squad Buys A Gun

• When Xilwyn and Aelfgifu arrive at the library, they ask if they have a book drop. Kit demands they let them describe the library in detail because they worked very hard on it.
  • There's a statue of an angel on each corner of the roof, and Annie declares it "the eyes of Notre Dame!"
  • Aelfgifu casts Invisibility on herself.
  Kit: The more spells you burn before this dinner party the happier I'll be.
• Artie finally shows up again with a limp and a smile on his face.
  • Jyll reconvenes with the party to get Lachlan's gift.
  Jyll: I actually have a very good idea about that. He might hate it, but it will be very amusing for me.
  Cacophony: How was your date otherwise?
  Jyll: Uh, actually I think I held it together okay.
  Cacophony: Awesome! Artie got fucked so hard he can barely walk.
  • Specifically, she needs a haberdasher and someone who makes novelty cribbage boards.
  • Cacophony decides to mass buy ten board games, and Kit enforces that costing 50 gold because board games are very expensive. Also, Annie suggests grabbing pop-o-matic Trouble so that they don't have to worry about losing the die.
  Kit: The fact that there's a pandemic on means that I've escaped being invited to any board game nights, and now you guys are gonna make me participate in a board game night in my D&D game.
  Annie: Hey, I live in the board game house!
  Maq: She does! She can't escape it.
• Trying to find a gift for Lawnmower, Jyll suggests something hard he can chew that really polishes his grindy bits.
  Aelfgifu: Ooh, kinda like a salt lick.
  Jyll: Yeah, like a salt lick.
  *beat of realization*
  Jyll: Maybe don't get the snail a salt lick!
  • They actually find a pet booth, and the lady there has the perfect gift for flail snails. It's a laser pointer.
• Artie goes searching for a hand crossbow. He ends up finding a gun shop, and everyone panics at the idea of Artie getting a gun. One of the options is a blunderbuss.
  Artie: *to the tune of "Vengabus"* The blunderbuss is coming!
  • Another option is a "big long fucking anti-material gun" that look like a Barrett .50 cal.
  Alexi: Hey Kit. Why - why is there a Barrett .50 cal in our fantasy sci-fi -
  Kit: It's a fantasy version of a Barrett .50 cal. I'm thinking of like, the closest real-world analogue to what this thing fucking looks like which is, this is a very large, very long-barrelled rifle.
  Rio: I've seen these! The people who are shooting these at the gun range look like hey had something to mask.
  Annie: Does Artie?
  • They then become disappointed that Artie has to reload between shots, which means he only gets one dakka dakka at a time.
  • Artie has to dip into ship funds to afford the gun, so he returns to the ship to try and convince Captain Bondar. Aelfgifu decides to vouche for him, to Jyll's chagrin.
  Annie: A very thick book that says "the Jemjammer campaign" and a very small book that says "the Jemjammer campaign if nap squad had a gun".
  Alexi: We're gonna solve so many problems!
  Kit: And cause so many problems! Half that book is taking that gun away from Nap Squad.

Episode 71 - Horse Divorce

• Grak's outfit for the party is still a Hawaiian shirt, just matched to Lady Aguilar's palette.
• Jylliana attempts to intimidate Grak into not causing problems for the party that night by comparing Ethla to a Mama Bear. She rolls 18 on Intimidation. Grak rolls a nat 1.
  Kit: Grak is quivering in his fanny pack.
• On the carriage ride to Tornincasa Manor, Aelfgifu calls shotgun so she can sit up front next to the horsies.
• Grak is busy trying to get a laugh out of Count Oriana, who Kit describes as "the most miserable person in the room".
  • Artie is confounded by Grak because he thought birds could fly. The others try to encourage a conversation between the two, but Artie passes because "you can't have a conversation with the person you're trying to guard!"
• Aelfgifu manages to sneak Breadstix deeper into the Manor while asking a guard where the bathroom is. This leads to the image of her sitting in a toilet stall and blanking out while she looks through her familiar's eyes.
  Annie: Oh, I've had those kinds of party breaks.
  Kit: It's a save point.
  • Also, it's revealed that she and Breadstix have the same Intelligence, which distresses Kit on a number of levels.
• Jyll wants to spy on the table full of shitty teens, but knows she'd never be able to slip into the conversation. She spots Cacophony from across the room and the two start miming at each other trying to get her to go over. Cacophony tries to indicate she's far older, and Jyll just tries to mime the idea of fancy, sparkly hair.

Episode 72 - Cocktail Hour is Over

• Cacophony promises the table full of shitty teens that if the party doesn't improve soon, she'll just cause chaos.
• Annie is delighted that she doesn't have disadvantage on Stealth because she's wearing the guard uniform instead of her plate armor. She still only rolls a 13.
• Artie uses his bonus action to flex his guard uniform off and reveal his tank top underneath.
• Jyll panics about two of the nobles getting bitten by vampires early in the fight.
  Jyll: Guess I'll just burn a bunch of spell slots later. Hope they do well on their death saves!

Episode 73 - Nothin' But Dead People And Vampires

• Grak pulls Countess Aguilar through a Dimension Door to get them out of the battle. Kit is about to be a stickler as to whether she counts as "a creature the same size or smaller" than him, but decides to let it slide because of The Power of Love.
• Kit describes that the getaway in their carriage would definitely sound like there were tires screeching if they actually had tires.
• Grak criticizes the party for not setting fire to the Manor as they left. Jyll suggests they turn around and he can try.
• It's not until Cacophony suggests the party carving their own stakes that Artie realizes vampires die to wooden stakes, not the meat.
• Countess Aguilar explains that a "starheart" is a person who was born in space and thus has a tiny star where their heart should be. Jyll, who's experienced a lot of changes to her worldview since starting this adventure, can only sputter "but stars are lizards".
• Countess Aguilar tells her that she can provide them with wood to make stakes. Aelfgifu slowly puts down the chair she had picked up.
• Artie sleeps in the nude, unless he's on a mission. Jyll points out they're technically still on a mission.
  Artie: No, this isn't a mission...this is a house.
• There's a knock on the door to the party's room, and Aelfgifu asks the person on the other side what their opinion on garlic is.
  Servant: I usually put way too much in stuff.
  Xilwyn: When a recipe calls for three cloves you should usually put in six.
  Servant: I usually go for eight.
  Aelfgifu: If you open the door and let yourself in that would be one thing, but also you don't have permission if you see what I mean.
  Jyll: That's still an invitation.

Episode 74 - Grak's Fannypack of Holding

• Jylliana tries to apologize to Xilwyn for her screw-ups the previous night and general lack of confidence, but can't focus because Artie slept in the nude.
  Artie: There are sheets. Do you have x-ray vision?
  Jyll: No, you have morning wood.
• When discussing getting a map of the Manor's layout, Aelfgifu immediately starts drawing one from memory. On an end table. With a dagger.
  Jyll: Oh, there's paper there's paper there's paper! She'll probably bill us!
  Aelfgifu: So we have this.
  Jyll: Well, we can't really take that anywhere. Maybe we can do a rubbing.
  • Wyn does exacly that - she got charcoal and paper from Thazita. Artie suggests covering it up with a doily so Countess Aguilar doesn't notice, and Aelfgifu wants to just pry the top off.
• Jyll complains that vampires are dumb but deadly. Artie counters that people also say that about him. Jyll agrees.
• When informed that Countess Tornincasa has fled her home and is holed up in the Arsenal, headquarters of the city guard, Aelfgifu asks if she can burn that place down.
  • Cacophony asks if it's possible to sneak through the sewers to ambush her. Annie and Rio then ask if Grak has intimate knowledge of all sewers. One successful Intelligence check, yes he does.
  • They then suggest distracting the guards with another emergency, like a spicy tuba.
• While discussing how the party regularly forgets that Kara isn't a wizard, Alexi mentions forgetting she's not an elf. This translates to Aelfgifu, who periodically checks her ears to see if anything's changed.
• Jyll tries to prove to the Kestrel crew that the party isn't vampires by dabbing holy water on their foreheads.
• Cacophony suggests disguising herself as a delivery woman to do recon on Tornincasa's ship. Annie describes it as the lady version of the sexy UPS guy from Legally Blonde. But when she shows up it's just a generic, exhausted UPS driver.

Episode 75 - Just Like Seahorses

• Artie suggests sending bad assassins with a note telling Captain Segreti to meet them at a secondary location. Kit's sent into cackles, before saying that Artie has a perfect memory only of plans that have worked on the party in the past.
  • Aelfgifu utlitmately agrees with the plan to get the captain a note telling her to return to Tornincasa Manor.
  Aelfgifu: Not aware that there is a - I was gonna say a "crack team" but let's be honest with ourselves, a ''team waiting to interrogate slash maybe kidnap slash maybe...you know. Throat-slitting motion.
• Rio laughs at the idea of Cacophony trying to be stealthy by being an ominous hooded elf admiral, pointing dramatically at a ship in silence (she's casting Message). Annie points out that if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles can wander New York in hats and trenchcoats, this is nothing.
  • Captain Segreti uses Hold Person to motion to Cacophony to meet her on the ship. Cacophony just shakes her hand and leaves. "Good job wasting a spell slot, bitch".
• While Countess Aguilar is dramatically asking Jylliana if she wants to join her organization, Kit asks Rio where Grak is.
  Rio: Sex coma? I don't know.
• The party is informed that the party is being tailed. While searching for them, Artie is able to spot one and chase him down. He's also a very old man, so it's very easy to do so. Artie gets a 26, and the old man rolls 4, which means Artie does a flying tackle to take him out - then picks him up over his head and runs back to Jyll. Kit has to start rolling death saves!
  Alexi: Hey Artie, remember when you tackled an old man to death?
  • It also results in a bunch of people wondering if they should intervene in this at all.
  Rio: It's a city, they won't.
  Annie: We're adventurers, they're just here for the show.
  Maq: Just randomly say "this is my son and he's been acting out" then close the door.
  Alexi: No he's my grandpa.
  Jyll: We're...physicians!
  *beat*
  Kit: Roll deception. Disadvantage.
  • Annie assumes they should be able to get away from the guards who spotted them abduct the tail because they have a carriage and driver from The Flock. Kit points out that Jyll never asked for a driver, so they just have Artie. He does surprisingly well - they're just like seahorses!
  • Annie suggests throwing coins over their shoulder to distract the guards, but Kit counters that they're not allowed to Assassin's Creed this scenario. Everyone tries to convince them otherwise.
• Kit has one sketchy alley map they keep in reserve for all thier sketchy alley needs.
• Debating if Thaumaturgy would spook the horses too much leads to a discussion on how fragile and terrified horses are.
  Kit: A horse will break it's own leg and die as a defense mechanism.
  Annie: Horses get spooked if you think too hard about a gunshot.
• Kit announcing the guards are firing on the horses illicits a Big "NO!" from everyone.
  Alexi: We may hate these horses, but they are horses we borrowed and therefore have a sense of ownership over.
  • Rio is worried they'll end up on doesthedogdie.com.
  • Annie bemoans the lack of Assassin's Creed that they could have done to avoid this.
  Annie: You said genre change!
  Kit: To gothic horror!
  Annie: What if Ezio fought a vampire!
• In the stinger, you must use the donkey tube.

Episode 76 - The Imperial We

• Aelfgifu sends Breadsticks to Lassie Jyll and Artie in order to communicate with them before remembering that it can send simple thoughts telepathically.
• Xilwyn arrives at the gate.
  Xilwyn: We're here for a meeting.
  Guard: Who's "we"?
  Xilwyn: I'm here. That was an imperial "we".
• Aelfgifu transfers messages to and from Jylliana while invisible. When she gets back to Xilwyn, she complains that she's bored. While this is happening, Artie starts raiding the kitchen for snacks.
• As Xilwyn realizes that the person approaching her is not actually Captain Segreti, Kit has her and Aelfgifu rolling dexterity saves.
  Alexi: It's a trap.
  Kit: What gave that away?
  Alexi: The fireball.
  • Xilwyn attacks the captain while declaring "you're a class traitor for some vampire pussy, baby."

Episode 77 - Do A Leave

• Jylliana tries to Thunderwave the charmed guards...and rolls a measly 2 damage.
  Jyll:...nobody tell Lachlan his Thunderwave is more effective than mine.
• The fireball ignites the house, so Jyll uses Thaumaturgy to try and convince the guards to leave.
  Jyll: The house is on fire, you idiots need to leave! You idiots are not being paid enough for this!
  Artie: The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!
• The party get out of the burning building in time to get stopped by a bunch of guards and arrested for the murder of the Fiore twins and attempted murder of Tornincasa. They're told to drop their weapons. Only Jyll does off the hop.
  Xilwyn: I kinda wanna shank the wizard first -
  Jyll: Don't do it in front of the guards.
  Xilwyn: I'll drop my - nevermind, I've got MOM on my arm. I drop my visible weapons.
  Aelfgifu: I am a weapon.
  Artie: I am also a weapon.
  Jyll: I know you all are. You're all very strong and sexy. But don't have the guard shoot us.
  • Jylliana murmurs why they should comply.
  Jyll: Where's Tornincasa right now?
  Xilwyn: She's at the Arsenal. Right! This just gets us to her.
  Jyll: Guys, let's get arrested.
  • As they cart away from a giant house on fire, they look at each other and think "that went better than last time".
• In the stinger, Kit tells them that the reason it all went wrong was because Captain Segreti rolled a nat 20 to spot Aelfgifu the first time they spotted the ship.
  Alexi: Aww. Good thing no one knows that in character and has no reason to blame Alefgifu.
  • That being said, Kit's still impressed with how long they've lasted in a plot where everything's happening at the highest level of power in a place they know nothing about.
  Annie: We are some dudes who wandered off the set of a fantasy movie and we're in a politcal thriller now. I don't care how many times you say "gothic horror", this is a political thriller now.
  Kit: I can't help it, everything I write turns into political thriller eventually.
  Alexi: And we're gonna solve it with magic swords.

Episode 78 - JAILJAMMER

• Alexi's character is Lasmo, a space tortle. They're like normal tortles but they live longer, because it makes the joke funnier. She has a bunch of quotes from Space Paladin Christ on her shell and a gay javelin.
• Annie is an old man Warforged who's been left in the safe house and is basically furniture at this point.
• Maq is a Cassowary Kenku named *Wilhelm Scream*. Yes, the sound. Maq has a soundboard full. Kit too.
• Lasmo immediately asks if she can take a vacation day instead.
  Wilhelm: It's a bold strategy Cotton, let's see if it pays off for him.
  Annie: And this is why Mackenzie apologized to Jake before we started the session.
  Kit: My soundboard isn't quite as elaborate as Mackenzie's, all I have is the Wilhelm Scream.
  Maq: My brand!
  • Maq elaborates that she made a list of 32 sound effects but could only fit 18 on the soundboard app hse has without having to pay, and wasn't willing to go that far for a joke. Kit says that the only other sound they have on theirs is The National Anthem of the USSR. Alexi starts singing along.
  Annie: Okay. We have two hours, and I want to fight a vampire next month, let's go!
• Countess Aguilar states that Tornincasa represents a threat to every life in Senagora and also all the money that Grak wants to marry her for, leading Grak to sputter about how much he loves her for so many reasons. The money helps, though.
  • Wilhelm confirms it understands the plan by singing "Never Gonna Give You Up".
  • When Aguilar explains that Natalia is fragile, Wilhelm points at her and makes the sound of glass breaking. She looks a little offended.
  • Grak has maps. Rio didn't know Grak has maps. No one else has access to maps, which Rio plays as Grak unfurling a map in front of himself and not letting anyone else see. While he does this, Wilhelm and Lasmo start staring intently at each other until Wilhelm unleashes a deafening screech. Grak rolls the map back up and starts smacking them.
  Grak: Stop that! We're professionals here!
  Grab: This never would've happened back in the old days...
  Grak: No one gives a shit about your old days!
  Wilhelm: Yeah, well that's just like you're opinion man.
• Annie asks Alexi why they didn't name their character after a renaissance artist like everyone else. Alexi counters that Lasmo is a John Wick, One-Day-Away-From-Retirement-turtle, not a cartoon turtle.
  Annie: They all become cartoon turtles eventually. Sooner or later you'll be saying "space-cowabunga".
• Grak is a criminal mastermind, but Rio is just a sad gay trying to read.
• Lasmo misinterprets Wilhelm's signs for how many guards are in their way and thinks there's a gorilla.
  Lasmo: You know I charge extra for gorilla jobs.
  • They can hear something that the original party is saying - something about...dicks? And tangerines?
• This party has very high initiatives, prompting Annie to wonder if this is the competent squad.
• Grak can change his pact weapon to a gun.
  Alexi: Can I level up into gun? I'm a warlock Kit, you have to tell me if I can level into gun.
  • Grak can also change his magic rock into a copy machine, which he then uses to throw at an enemy.
• Grab has a Stealth Weaponized Integrated Thermal-Combustion Heated Blade - or the S.W.I.T.C.H.Blade.
• When Lasmo, who's a barbarian, looks like she might actually die during the first combat, Annie asks if anyone else can use her gay javelin. Rio points out that Artie can.
• Wilhelm kills a guard, then eats their finger, gains temporary HP, turns to the corpse, and says "You lose! Good day sir!"
  Kit: Roman bird augury. If you see a cassowary it's an omen that you're about to die by cassowary.
• Alexi asks if there's a way to get Lasmo's hit points back up to what they were before he got gnawed on by a dozen vampires, and Maq says Greater Restoration, which is usually from Clerics...and technically, one is nearby.
  • Rio is very insistent that, since they're in space, Lasmo should have a Setsu Bean from Dragon Ball Z.
  • After everyone burns their flashback to get a potion of Greater Restoration for Laslo, she burns all but one hit dice - she's saving the last one for retirement.

Episode 79 - A Little Pile of Violence

• How did the party spend their time jail? By inventing a romance novel to talk about, involving dicks and tangerines.
  • Also Kit allows their time in jail to count as a short rest.
• Artie tries to tackle the bars of his cell apart. He fails. It goes *flip flop flip flop flip flop smush*
  • Meanwhile, Alefgifu Misty Steps out of her cell and Jyll groans because it's still lavender scented.
  • She tries to Eldritch Blast the doors open, misses, and hits the toilet.
• When Grak arrives:
  Aelfgifu: Oh no. Guys, it's Grak. We're not actually saved. This is a bad thing.
• Countess Aguilar is a warlock too.
  Alexi: All these birds are warlocks?
  Kit: Every bird is a warlock in this setting.
  Alexi: Does that mean that I'm a bird?
  Annie: Evil magic birds.
  Alexi: Space princes bird. I'm having a crisis.
  Annie: What are birds?
  Alexi: We just don't know.
  Annie: Wait, we found out, now we know what birds are: they're warlocks.
  Rio: Thankfully, pigeons just use their spells for bread.
  Alexi: They'd sign on the Eldritch Pact with anyone who offered them a sandwich.
  Annie: The only thing that's stopped them from taking over the world is that just because their patron may be smart doesn't mean the bird is.
• Cacophony Heats Metal at one of the guards, and Jyll remembers the last time they did that was...when they were breaking in and out of Lady Lapluma's house.
  Kit: Don't reminisce about that too loud!
• Kit insists they not worry about a lair action, which alerts Annie because DMS saying not to worry is how they end up with "perfectly normal hallways".
  Kit: But it was a perfectly normal hallway.
  Annie: I still don't trust it, even in hindsight.
• Aelfgifu takes damage but says it was for the best because it brought her down to 69 hitpoints (nice).
• Grak pulls out a gun. Not a fantasy, steampunk flintlock pistol, it's a Glock. With a hunting knife duct taped to it. It's done more damage than the two Eldritch Blasts from last round. And with his other hand he throws his magic rock, which turns into a sewing machine.
• Rio assumes everyone must be naked since the guards took their amour, and has to be reminded that Artie's the only person who goes commando under his gear.
• Natalia arrives, and Maq plays the vase shattering noise from Wilhelm as she descends.
  Aguilar: Don't worry about those noises.
  Grak: Wilhelm! Shut up!
  Wilhelm: I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
• Annie is disappointed that Song of Rest doesn't quite bring her up to 69 hitpoints (nice).
• Jyll wonders aloud if hot boys like girls with criminal records. Everyone confirms that everyone does, regardless of gender.
• In the stinger:
  Rio: It's not confusing, it's just gay.
  Annie: Inside of you are two idiots. They are both Dungeons and Dragons characters.
  Alexi: I hope that's the title of your memoir Rio.

Episode 80 - Talk This Out

• Jyll asks Artie to hand her whatever weapon he plans on using against the Countess, "and not your dick".
• Cacophony slips back into the cell, then returns dressed as Anna from Van Helsing. Aelfgifu is impressed and asks for her own costume, so Cacophony pulls her in and returns her as Van Helsing, but sexy. With Hugh Jackman's perfect hair extensions.
• Jylliana uses Warding Bond on herself and Cacophony, and since it uses rings it's kinda like they're married for the duration. Alexi notes that it's similar to Ceremony, and since there's no upper limit on how many people can partake, the best thing to do before any dungeon is have everyone marry each other.
• Artie prepares to fire on Tornincasa with the Tank Top, "also known as the Anti-Villain Monologue Generator".
  Alexi: The "we're done here" gun!
  Kit: It's the "no, I don't wanna hear the monologue" button.
• Tornincasa explains that the goal of the World Eater cult isn't destruction, but immortality through undeath. Artie hates that, because he's worried it will make him unfuckable.
  • She elaborates that she fell in with them because she had to watch her father wither away in the last years of his life and swore she would never let that happen to her.
  Cacophony: That just sounds like you're scared of death, love.
  Tornincasa: I am. Aren't you?
  Cacophony: In the grand scheme of things it's gonna come, and that's okay. Otherwise the world just stagnates.
  Artie: Do you think if I was scared of death I would look like this?! *points at his nipples*
• Annie and Rio didn't know that Roll 20 makes it easy to adjust hit points, and distress that they've been forced to do math this entire time.
  Kit: I'm sorry, is this witch magic to you?
• Rio stumbles over their words while stating that they are now controlling Grak, leading to them declaring "I am pemguim."
• Aelfgifu is charmed by Tornincasa, but is still Aelfgifu, so her immediately strategy to protect her is to throw out an owl from her Bag of Tricks. Also, because the owl isn't charmed by Tornincasa, it helps the others flank her.

Episode 81 - Please Stop Fighting!

• The snakes swarm Natalia, who only has an AC of 9.
  Kit: Why did I make this accursed creature.
  Annie': Why did you make her this way?!
• Annie asks if Aelfgifu moving away from Jylliana counts as her leaving her attack radius and Kit realizes it does.
  Kit: Oh god I've enabled PVP for this battle.
• Artie tries to grapple Aelfgifu and starts by grabbing her arms, which Annie jokes renders her completely helpless.
• Aelfgifu's owl attacks Grak, illiciting cries of "bird on bird violence!"
• Cacophony calls the Elf Captain's pajamas boring while he's trying to stab her.
• Kit has to check a few things when Natalia attacks Lucrezia and asks them to please hold. Rio starts humming "The Girl from Ipanema".
• After being freed from the Charm affect, the Captain tells the party that they're not supposed to be here and they're all under arrest.
  Jylliana: We're already under arrest! We can't be any more under arrest than we already are!
  Rio: You're under arrest for helping and abetting and aiding and all that shit a vampire!
  Captain: And I will be promptly placing myself under arrest once you return to the prison level.

Episode 82 - The Notes We Don't Play

• Cacophony has done a costume change on the way to the prison, into a short-short onesie with the inmate number 80085.
• Kit accidentally says Countess Tornincasa instead of Countess Aguilar, and complains about how many countesses are in this plot. They're met with a chorus of "gee, who's falt is that?"
• Maq accident starts talking with a Russian accent, and claims it's part of Cacophony's prison costume.
• When the party complains that they didn't get any prison snacks, Cacophony pulls out some blueberry muffins from her cleavage.
• Alexi's loud cat is passed off as Breadstix having separation anxiety.
  Alexi: I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you later. Calm your...pseudodragon tits.
• Jylliana bemoans having to check in with Captain Bondar after each adventure, comparing it to having to visit Mother Superior. Alexi compares it to getting yelled at by her dad after she burned down a chunk of the forest.
  Jyll: You gotta stop throwing gender reveal parties for the squirrels, hun.
  Alexi: But it's so fun to dye the nuts!
  • Bondar asks if the party getting arrested was part of the plan, and Jyll says it was "eventually".
  Artie: What is a plan anyways?
  Cacophony: A miserable pile of secrets.
  Jyll: More like a miserable pile of fuck-ups.
• Maq and Alexi are about to roleplay taking everyone's brunch orders before Kit forces a time skip.
  Alexi: No you have to decide on the fly how every member of the crew likes their eggs.
• Aguilar asks one of the party to sign their name in her Tome of Shadows so she can contact them with Sending. Artie says he shouldn't, because he's no longer allowed to sign legal documents.
• Artie really wants to be the one to hold the bag of 6000 gold the party was paid by Aguilar. Kit asks if he wants to be walking down a busy market streeet visible carrying that much money. After a pause, Artie declares that the gold is safe now.
  Artie: Unless you want to put your hands in my pants!
  Kit: You've got jingle pants!
  Annie: The jingle jangle of your ass cheecks slapping together.
  • When paying for an Artificer to upgrade their gear, Cacophony says she can cover the tip.
  Rio: Just the tip?
  *everyone dissolves into giggles*
  Alexi: We're twelve.
  Kit: What a smart show this is.
  • Rio states that Artie was showing his fish cleavage when they were paying, so Kit factors that into the price. They refuse to clarify whether it made the price better or worse, though.
  • A discussion on Artie's #FishNips leads to a discussion on whether Ariel lactates.
  Annie: Who knows! It doesn't matter.
  Kit: It does! I have to write the world! I have to know whether Tritons are live birth or not.
  Annie: Artie has clearly stated that they spawn.
  Rio: If you wanted this information you could've asked. I would've gladly given it to you.
  Kit: I'm asking now!
  *later*
  Alexi: I think it's important for a world to have undiscovered edges, you know? It's about what's not there, it's like jazz, it's the notes you don't play, and the note we don't play is "do fish lactate when they're people".
  Annie: Do we want the mystery of Artie's nipples spoiled when we don't even know the mystery of whether or not he reads?
  • Alexi casually mentions having to deal with pigeon milk from Animal Crossing: New Horizons the other day, illiciting a Big "WHAT?!" from Rio. And then Alexi's Stunned Silence when Kit says Pigeons can create a milk-like fluid in their throat to feed their young.
  Kit: I'm sure none of this is useable audio for this episode, sorry Jake. ^note Obviously, Jake disagreed
• When they finally return to the ship, Veli is hanging up a banner that reads We Achieved Something.
  • Also, Veli's brunch order was just coffee grounds.

Episode 83 - Free Bones

• Aelfgifu tries to get back on Kara's good side by leaving her a sandwich - specifically balancing it on her head.
• Jylliana bemoans being arrested twice by this point, and Kara tells her that once she gets the hat trick she gets a special trophy. This leads into Jyll asking those present who hasn't been to prison. No one puts their hand up, including Lachlan (prompting Jyll to mutter "of good, not a deal breaker" under her breath).
  • Aelfgifu prompts Breadsticks to put her hand up, then realizes she doesn't know what her history was before they came together. Trying to telekinetically ask her about prison gets a sequence resembling the intro of the "Telephone" music video.
• While Jyll ponders the eggs for her brunch, Aelfgifu asks her if she thinks she came from fish or something else.
  Jylliana: Egg - fish - well they're not fish eggs, I can tell you that for free.
  Aelfgifu: Not the kind of fish that we know.
  Artie: There are other kinds of fish?
  Aelfgifu: I mean there's you.
  Artie: Oh my god there is me! I don't lay eggs.
  Aelfgifu: No, wait, how did we end up here again!
• When trying to determine where to go next, one of the options is Iolara and its lizardfolk hatcheries. Cacophony votes for that one, for completely non-horny reasons.
• Jyll doesn't want Aelfgifu to come with her to the library because it didn't go well last time. Kit counters that last time Aelfgifu got away with stealing a book, so it categorically went well from her perspective.
  Rio: The devil on Aelfgifu's shoulder goes "you could steal another book. The last one was so good."
  Jyll: Aelfgifu, I am asking you, as a friend, to not steal any more library books -
  Rio: "Lie to her!"
  Jyll: - because - shut up - I would be disappointed in you.
  Rio: You can't here this voice! This is the voice inside Aelfgifu's head! "Lie to her!"
• Cacophony decides to stay on the ship to make sure Aelfgifu doesn't get into trouble.
  Alexi: Smash cut to Aelfgifu prying a panel off the ship to hide a fish in it!
  Kit: Veli is helping.
• Attempting to Boolean search with a kenku librarian.
• Pausing the plot to calculate how long they've spent on this godforsaken planet, Annie determines that from landing on Biancarda to leaving they spent nine months real-time there.
  Rio: That's enough time for a baby!
  Annie: The baby is a dead vampire. Congratulations.
• Aelfgifu disappears to the Feywild, then reappears with the ability to speak out of Breadsticks' mouth.
  Breadsticks!Aelfgifu: Haha! I can annoy you anywhere you are now!
  • They determine that she uses this to play a lot of pranks on Artie. Artie's not smart enough to prank back, but when she runs out of Misty Steps Artie just noogies her.
• Lachlan has to admit that, while he's glad Jyll didn't accept Countess Aguilar's to join a crime syndicate, evil!Jylliana would be pretty hot.
  Jyll:I mean, with armor - I think if you go evil you're kinda required to get really slutty about it.
  Lachlan: Yeah but armor can be slutty, you know? I mean look at Artie.
  • He also says getting arrested is like initiation for spell sailors, and it comes with a shameless kind of shame. Like what raccoons have. Jyll can only question how much time he's spent around raccoons. And then, since he's a druid, she asks him how often he turned into one.
  • Jyll admits that she's more used to possums than raccoons, since the ecosystem around Stormhaven is mostly possums and giant spiders. "I think planets are weird."
• Aelfgifu starts a dream journal to keep track of her growing Warlock powers.
  Aelfgifu: Now I can go to the Ethereal Plane, and that's kind of whack when you think about it.
  Kit: That's where ghosts are!
  Alexi: She starts writign down her dreams because it's the only thing she can think of to try and figure out more about...why can she go to the ghost plane now?
  Rio: Because you're Danny Phantom!
  Kit: Pact of the Danny Phantom!
  Alexi: The Phanny-Pact?
  Kit: Sure.
• Artie spent the journey back to the phlogiston doing pull-ups off the side of the ship. When Jyll asks him if he wants to tell Max anything during her Sendings:
  Artie: Oh my god! Tell Max that I'm doing mad reps!
  Jyll: You - you want me to tell him that you're doing "mad reps".
  Artie: Tell him that I'm so yolked right now. My tits are fantastic.
  Jyll: One sec...and that your tits are what?
  Artie: Fan-tastic. Also how's he been? I haven't heard from him in so long! My god. Did he find his sister? Does he need me? Can we make out again?
  Jyll: You did what?
  Artie: Huh?
  Jyll: When did you make out?
  Artie: When did you make out?
  Jyll: What.*Beat* Yesterday. When did you make out with Max?!

Artie: Anyways -
Jyll: How was it?
Kit: Everything about this interaction is agonizing, I love it.

• Kit and Rio wonder about whether Artie and/or Max would need to roll to see how the makeout would be and go through athletics and sleight of hand before landing on performance. Artie gets a fifteen, Max gets a nat 1. Cue a chorus of "oh no!"

Kit: It was kind of a golden retriever situation.
Artie: He needs the practice.
Jyll: Oh. So he was bad at it?
Artie: Sometimes you get princes like me, and then sometimes you get princes who act like me and have never been me. Or with me.

• The Sending is thus: "Artie says 'I'm doing mad reps and getting so yolked and my tits are fantastic also how have you been'...I hope you're not dead."
• Max's curt reply prompts Artie to hope that it's because he finally found someone who'll make out with him. Someone who won't go "okay, let's stop, I need to go find someone else."
• When Jyll is clearly torn about how to feel about the prospect of Max mving on, Artie offers to make out with her. She tries to pass, but he flexes and tries rolling persuasion. Jyll finally shuts him down by telling him making out with him is like making out with a little brother.

Artie: I'm older than you?
Jyll: And littler.
Artie: Fuck you! *leaves*
Jyll: Aaand successfully deflected that question.

• When discussing how to contact Iolara, Aelfgifu asks if there's any kind of "hello to all ships" horn. Kit counters "no, there's no 'hewwo' button".
  • Kit describes a large crystal pyramid being visible on the surface. Alexi compares it to the Bass Pro Pyramid, but Kit was thinking of the Muttart Conservatory. Rio chalks it up to "two different types of gays".
• In the time since then, Xilwyn has turned into Cacophony clad in an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot bikini. Unrelated, as the Kestrel gets closer they see a dead Kindori that has been converted into a Spelljammer.
  Rio: This is vaguely sea-themed, should I roll history?
  Kit: On the Kindori?
  Alexi: On the bikini?
  Rio: Yes, on the bikini, I wanna know where it's from - no! On the Kindori.
  • Rio suggests the Space Fun Helmet is prestidigitated into a glow-in-the-dark top bun to match the beach theme. Kit calls them out for avoiding the consequences of the Space Fun Helmet (wee-woo), so Annie suggests the counterpoint is that it also comes with Raybans.
• Aelfgifu pops out her Bag of Tricks and gets a rat, who she hides in her bosom until Kit suggests the name "Ratt Mercer".

Iolara (episodes 84-91)

Episode 84 - A Fire Whoopsie

• Artie rolled a d20 to see if he's getting swole by the time they reach the phlogiston. He got a 5, which means no.
• Maq needs to talk to Mr. Herst and asks if he's working on a house of cards. Kit says no, he's doing performance reviews. Maq mutters that that's boring before everyone panics that they may not be getting an annual raise.
  • Herst says many gnomes are highly intelligent, but emotionally childlike. Artie thinks that sounds like him, sparking a debate with Jyll over how smart he is, how childlike he is, and how smart children are.
  Aelfgifu: Don't write this down Mr. Herst, we have great team dynamics.
  • Aelfgifu is worried that Mr. Herst is both their dad and their boss, and are more worried about him being disappointed in them than doing a bad job.
  Jyll: I don't know if I could handle that!
  Artie: You just sit on his bed, naked, until he comes in, and then you change that review.
  Jyll: ...what have you done with Mr. Herst Artie.
  Artie: Nothing yet.
  Jyll: I don't like this. That's our dad!
  • Then Xilwyn has to explain the three types of dads: the one who had sex with their mother. Then there's dad, someone who's older than you but gives off a dad energy and takes care of you and gives you advice (the party has a lot of those), and then there's daddy which is what Artie is probably most familiar with (at which point Jyll leaves).
    • Aelfgifu tries to elaborate saying that sometimes the first kind can be the second kind too, but not necessarily, and that you can pick any two. Kit quickly jumps in to say no, you can't. And meanwhile, Artie goes cross-eyed.
  • Xilwyn adds there's also uncle energy and wine aunt energy, with Cacophony embodying the latter and Xilwyn the former. Aelfgifu's touchstone for wine aunts is a fox that used to get high on mushrooms, give her playful bites, and steal her cheese. Veli walks by and says the fox probably just had rabies.
  Artie: Aelfgifu do you have rabies?
  Aelfgifu: Do I? How would I know?
  Kit: If you had rabies you would be dead by now.
  Aelfgifu: I think rabies is a myth.
  Kit: We would not be six months deep in this campaign if you had rabies.
  Artie: Aelfgifu, do you have super-rabies?
  Aelfgifu: Is that why all the space people wanna know my deal? Is that why I have magic powers, is it the super rabies?
  Jylliana: No honey that's a warlock pact. It's kind of like super rabies.
  Aelfgifu: Feywild super rabies! I went to the Feywild, I got bit my aunt fox and got super rabies, and now I can make fire in my hands. Like this!
  Rio: Wait a minute. Did you just set a fire while we were in the phlogiston?
  Kit: Aelfgifu I'm gonna need to roll some stuff real quick.
• Aelfgifu and everyone within twenty feet of her take 26 fire damage. That's the whole boat.
  Alexi: Oh my performance review's gonna be so bad!
  • She then turns invisible the moment she realizes she's screwed up, declaring that she intends to avoid the consequences of her actions. But the moment her invisibility runs out, Jylliana traps her in a crate and tells her that she will be going door-to-door apologizing to every single crewmember.
• After the apology tour, Xilwyn asks if this will have an effect on their performance review, and Captain Bondar states that the nature of their arrangement means it would be very difficult for them to fire the party after that - in a tone implying that such arrangement is the only thing keeping them on the ship. Also, Aelfgifu is disappointed that she didn't burn the review papers.
• Jyll calls a team meeting to hash out a gameplan for Iolara, since Biancarda had a lot of issues.
  Jyll: Hey Artie the last planet blew, right? We were like super bad at everything?
  Artie: Oh yeah I got to blow - oh wait. Huh?
  • After reassuring each other and their abilities and that they are actually capable of handling things usually, they determine their flaw on Biancarda was assuming they knew things. So they decide that once they land on Iolara they'll assume they know nothing.
• Jyll seeks out Lachlan and finds him calibrating.
  • She asks him if he can talk to animals, and thinks it'd be fun for Aelfgifu for them to compare notes on which animals are rudest (it's swans).
  Lachlan: Sure, I can't think of a way that'll go catastrophically wrong. She's not gonna set me on fire, right?
  Jylliana: We're working on that, I guess.
  Lachlan: You know the fact that you didn't just say no is concerning in and of itself.
  Jylliana: Do you really think I have that much faith in my ability to control Aelfgifu's actions?
  Lachlan: Fair point.
  Jylliana: Are you kidding me? If she was an animal she'd be a goose.
  Lachlan: Oh god she would, wouldn't she.
  Jylliana: Uh-huh. She would cause problems on purpose, it's her favorite thing.
  Lachlan: Terrorizing the entire ship.
  Jylliana: Honk. That'd be her, day-in, day-out. Honk.
  Lachlan: Just plap-plap-plapping around the ship.
  Jylliana: Tell me I'm wrong?
  Lachlan: Aw geez, this is gonna haunt me now.
  • Jyll also asks if he retains his faculties as an animal, bringing up her own point of reference when she got polymorphed in Castle Kronos, and casually mentioning that it wasn't as weird as running around in a sexy devil costume the past few days. Cacophony shouts an apology from across the ship, and Lachlan has blue screened at the mention of the costume.
  Rio: Roll for boner check.
  • When Rio overhears that Lachlan can turn into a wolf, Artie declares him the newest member of nap squad so that he and Aelfgifu can take naps while snuggled up to him. He rolls a dirt 20 on intimidation, which means Lachlan can't refuse now.

Episode 85 - Potato, Potota

• Jylliana is still really curious about Artie and Max's relationship.
  Artie: He's my best friend! Do you not take your best friend's head to your bosom and softly caress his face while he yells at you "Arturos, get off me, let me go, I don't need this"?
  • Xilwyn then tells Aelfgifu she can cradle her head in her bosom if she wants. She's willing to do it for Jyll too, but figures she'd go to Lachlan first.
• The back and forth between Jyll and Max get Artie so concerned he leaves to stress eat. He was in the middle of a mani-pedi, so Finn chases after him to make sure he doesn't get nail laquer over all the food.
  • Jyll complains about wanting to simultaneously punch his face and make out with it a little.
  Xilwyn: A kiss with a fist is better than none.
  Kit: I was thinking "don't look at my boner when we fight", but okay.
  Rio: I'm sorry, excuse me, what?
  Annie: I don't know what that's referring to.
  Kit: It's referring to a shitpost.
  Rio: Do I have to roll for that now?
  Xilwyn: Yes.
  Kit: That's a character decision only you can make.
• Upon reaching Hearthspace, aka "The Furnace", the incredible heat of the area prompts Xilwyn to tear off her sweater and sweats to reveal a croptop and short shorts underneath. She then casts a spell to turn Artie's outfit into the same thing.

Episode 86 - Just Like Thor

• When coming across a floating eyeball spying on them, Cacophony and Artie try to jump up and touch it. Cacophony succeeds, and happily declares that it feels just like a peeled grape.
• Maq quietly encourages Annie to cast "Destructive Wrath" with her one fifth-level spell splot because it would be cool. She also refers to it as "Destructive Wife".
• Artie and Cacophony try to kill the undead commander in front of Atra the hot Lizardfolk woman to impress her. Cacophony succeeds, and Artie pouts "bros before kill steals".
  • Then it turns out the Lizardfolk woman wasn't even looking in that direction.

Episode 87 - Chronic Florida

• Maq and Annie's reactions to finding out that Atra the hot Lizardfolk woman has a thick hide and weilds a mace likely made from a human skull are "that's so hot" and "she's so chonky" respectively.
• Maq compares Cacophony keeping an eye on Atra while she checks on the eggs to dogs looking at each other while they're pooping to make sure they're not attacked. This is how Annie finds out why her dog stares at her while taking a dump.
  Annie: I just thought it was weird that she kept making direct eye contact, like "Look! I'm doing it!"
• Cacophony is a little blunt in her attempt to introduce herself to the baby lizardfolk, and blames it on having to speak in Draconic.
  Kit: It's like Klingon or German, there's no gentle way to say it...it's one of those languages where saying the word "butterfly" is enough to kill a butterfly.
• Atra confirms there can be complications with their ships arriving on time. Or landing correctly. Or landing at all. When asked to elaborate she just says, with no facial expression, "gnomes."
  • Artie rolls to see if he has a history with gnomes and gets a nat 20.
  Kit: You have had the uh...the distinct fortune (or perhaps mistfortune) to cross paths directly with a gnomish ship before. Gnomish ships are...you actually now, looking over the support buildings, you figure it's probably built by gnomes beause gnomish ships are built very much along the same lines. It's like somebody started building a spelljamming ship and got bored halfway through. They've usually got all sorts of different attachments that nobody knows what it does, they usually get expanded over time as people have new ideas - sometimes covering up the landing gear, meaning the ship can't land the way it used to. They claim to have invented their own style of helm? But there's a strong suspicion among the pirates of your acquaintence that they just took a regular helm and bolted extra parts onto it. There's usually at least three or four hamster wheels attached to them. The main thing you want to keep in mind when facing off against a gnomish ship, though, is that in terms of armament you got no idea what's going on. They could have no weapons at all, they could have shit you've never seen before in your life and destroy your ship instantly! It's a mess. They're completely, entirely unpredictable, and no one you know has successfully been able to predict what an encounter with a gnomish ship is gonna be like.
  • What Artie gets out of this is "oh shit! You let gnomes touch your babies? They use their babies for cannon fodder!" He claims he once saw a gnome use a baby as a bowling ball. The others are pretty sure that last part was a fever dream.
  • He also claims gnomes invented their own liquor (soda pop) and claim it cures gout.
  Cacophony: Well if I don't know what gout is and Artie doesn't have it, maybe it does cure gout!
• Jylliana assesses a situation, where the party might be able to set up bottleneck of traps to fight off the approaching undead forces, and compares it to that old folk tale about the plants and the zombies.
  • Atra asks them to help drag a heavy tree over to help with the bottlenecking. Artie demands to do it on his own as a weird macho thing.
  Jyll: You wanna use some simple tools to lever that or something?
  Artie: I am a simple tool!
  Jyll: Well that is true.
  • Rio rolls a nat one. Annie almost spits out her coffee.
• Cacophony tells Lachlan and Bondar that they're in a huge swamp biome, and suggests they do a costume change first because "it would be very sexy for Jyll".
• Upon seeing Artie (still slipped in the mud from that nat one), Lachlan suggests wildshaping into a horse to help move things along. Jyll agrees, and is suddenly faced with the prospect of boyfriend-horse.
  Jyll: Do you - how does he - do you attach - do you attach ropes? Do you - do you - do you attach ropes to the - to the - to the boy who's a horse now? What's - *angrish*
  Kit: This is a naked horse, by the way, this is a horse with no tack, you are gonna have to attach ropes to the horse because Lachlan has no hands.
  Artie: Lachlan when I said I wanted to see you naked I didn't mean like this.
  Cacophony: Curl your arms around his horsey neck Jyll.
  Jyll: Holdonyouwantmetowhat? Hold on you - what?!
  Artie: Why are landhorses so weird.
  *Jyll starts hyperventilating*
  • Jyll shorts out before she can actually attach the rope to anything, so Artie ends up taking the rope. There's an expanded version of this moment here.
• In the stinger, Maq accidentally starts speaking with a Russian accent while saying "incubator".

Episode 88 - Salmon Pockets

• Cacophony prepares to decapitate the corpse attached to a lifejammer helm before realizing that she only has a rapier and doesn't think that will help.
• Annie is very curious as to whether Lachlan has a horse brain, or a people brain, or a people brain with a horse hindbrain in the back just constantly thinking "oats. oats. oats." Kit confirms the last option, and mentions him occasionally getting distracted by the surrounding vegetation.
• Cacophony tries to seduce Atra, which starts by winning over Kev. She tries playing a soft, melodic tune, and Annie hums the Super Mario Bros. theme.
• While Jylliana and Atra discuss their different outlooks on being clerics, Atra casually mentions a gnome cleric she met who couldn't get in contact with the gnome God of the Dead, who's named Jim Jim Jim.
  Jylliana: Jim Jim Jimmy-Jim Jim Jim Jim?
  Atra: No, just the three.
  • The gnome god of nutrition is Yum Yum Yum, and apparently their cleric had no issues reaching that one.
  • Atra's response to Jyll wanting to speak with Ethla is an extremely casual "oh, is that all?" followed by her telling Jyll that planeshifting spells can be cast by powerful wizards, demons, and some horses. Specific horses though - probably not Lachlan.
  Rio: Remember that horses will sometimes suck on wooden fences and then swallow so much air that they die.
  Annie: Maybe that's like seeing God!
• When asked if Artie helping set up traps is sexy, Rio claims that Artie does everything sexily. Jyll disagrees, as she's seen him sleep. He spread eagles.
  • He's also broing out with Lachlan, or rather, Artie is infodumping about gnomes while Lachlan is a horse and can't respond.
  Artie: And they were like "Yum Yum Yum, give me some gum!" And they did a thing and they had gum? And it's weird, you're not supposed to swallow it, they said that it would stay in me for ten years or something. I did it anyways, and you just chew it and it makes bubbles. But it's also sticky, don't get it in your hair, I had to pray to the god of peanut butter who was...what was his name...
  Annie: Nut Nut Nut?
  Artie: Dave Dave Dave. The god of peanut butter. To get it out of my hair.
  • Kit and Annie then remind us that Artie already thinks gnomes bowl with babies so everything he's saying may or may not be canon. But he did roll a natural 20 on history.
  • Lachlan's attempts to tune the conversation out lead to the horse brain taking over and him rooting around in Artie's pockets for snacks. They're full of salmon. It's how he keeps his hair so shiny.
• Annie is briefly grossed out by Artie enjoying an extremely humid swampland, until Kit and Rio point out that he lives underwater.
  Kit: His normal tolerance for humidity is 100%.
• Kit compares the hatchery to the Muttart Conservatory, an actual pyramid-shaped greenhouse in Edmonton. That one has a corpse flower, but the hatchery does not, so if you smell a rotting corpse here it's probably a rotting corpse.
• Once preperations are complete, Jyll tells Lachlan that he doesn't need to be a horse anymore. His horsey shrugs imply that he'd rather ride it out so that he doesn't need to interact too much with Artie.
  • Jyll also checks to see if his horse form has little tusks, and squees when it does.
  • When he does change back, everyone is distracted by the fact that the token Kit is using is the sexy art Rio drew for him three years ago.
  • Lachlan is very put out when Atra assumes he can only turn into a horse.
  Rio: Don't objectify me in my horse body!
  ** Other things he can turn into include a crocodile (badass) or a raccoon (which isn't combat handy, but he sometimes turns into one when he's having trouble sleeping). Jyll freaks out about how adorable that is, and Atra looks like she's reconsidering asking him to stay with her as the last line.
  • Artie asks if he can turn into a tiger because they're very soft and cudly, and when he says he can Artie celebrates how awesome future nap squads are going to be.

Episode 89 - Up the Aft

• Aelfgifu returns and is delighted to hear that they're still defending babies, but is on the fence about how she feels about a real child.
  Jylliana: We need to save all these babies so Cacophony can score with the lizard.
  Alexi: Man, when does aelfgifu get to score with the lizard...
  Kit: Depends on how well this session goes!
• Annie complains about "Prestidigitation" having too many syllables, but Alexi compares it to Raxacoricofallapatorius as a word that nerds can pull out to show off.
• The players wonder what would happen if Artie's miss with his Tank Top means the cannon ball is now just flying through wildspace, and Kit confirms that it would continue moving until it hit the inside of the crystal sphere or something else along the way. Alexi suggests having a percentile die that would cause you to get hit by a stray shot from a completely unrelated battle in wildspace, and Kit casually mentions they're gonna write that down for later.
• The enemy ship also fails their roll to hit and a cannonball gets wedged into the side of the ship without doing damage. It's immediately declared "enrichment for Lawnmower".
  • Kit then confirms that on the "crewmate casualty table", they did not include any mascot characters.
• The skeletons on the enemy ship are said to be constantly making xylophone noises.
• Alexi constantly asks if anyone is shooting the enemy ship "up the aft", enough for Annie to tell Jake to write it down as the episode title. When Artie fires the ballista up the aft and doesn't roll much damage, he bemoans that it was "just the tip".
  • Cacophony tells Artie to stop aiming up the aft and rather the center of mass, or rather, "the part that's the most thicc". Queue Rio asking Kit what part of the ship is the most dummy thicc.
• The gnome cavalry arrive! In a vaguely-phallic ship that has a flamethrower attached to the front. After Aelfgifu's little mix up earlier, everyone is pretty shocked at the gall.

Episode 90 - "The Big Sauron-Lookin' Mother F#$%er"

• The party roll dexterity saving throws to jump off the ship and fight the surviving undead. Cacophony and Aelfgifu do well, but Artie and Jylliana immediately faceplant in the sand with a 5 and 4 respectively.
• Rio starts talking in a baby voice about making a constitution saving throw. Any asks why, and they say it's because they were...ordering pie.
• After Jyll fails repeatedly to damage the titular Big Sauron-Lookin' Mother Fucker becaue of his thick armour, Kit comments that she's starting to discover what it's like for someone to attack her.
• After the battle, the party meets delegates from the gnomish ship - and four horse-sized giant space hamsters.
• The stinger is Rio reading the description of the "Magic Longbow" becaue they find it inherently perverted. And proceeds to read it in a sext voice.
  Rio: A thick shaft of laminated wood is bound by a taught string, capable of launching deadly arrows at long distances.

Episode 91 - Nap Squad Paradise

• Jylliana is concerned when the gnomes start trying to repair the Kestrel, especially if they attempt to add things that spout fire.
• Aelfgifu goes to check out the gnome ship, "Conditional Pacifist".
  Alexi: I wanna learn about this...flying...device.
  Annie: You hesitate to call it a shuttlecraft.
  Alexi: My mind was going to 'abomination" and that felt like it was too far so I was rolling it back.
  • Aelfgifu investigates their kitchen and is disappionted that it's not filled with candy.
• Atra's response to Cacophony telling her she admires her is "thank you. I'm not going to mate with you." In the background, Alefgifu is just jumping up and down on a bed.
  • Cacophony also asks if there's anything else the crew can do to help, such as sending them supplies. Atra asks if she has the Sending spell.
  Cacophony: Yes, actually. *Beat* Well no I don't, but yes in a way! Yes! I have a cell phone. So to speak.
  Annie: You have a cleric friend.
  Cacophony: I have a cleric friend! Who can be bribed. I can draw sexy pictures of her boyfriend!
• Upon learning that the nearest port to repair the Kestrel is Biancarda, Jyll let's out a moan of pure misery. And again when Captain Bondar confirms that they'd probably have to stop back in Senagora too.
  • The Gnome Captain Sophie Coppertop overhears this.
  Sophie: You didn't have much fun on Biancarda, huh?
  Jyll: Uhhhhhhh no!
  Sophie: They don't like us much there either. You set one spaceport on fire and everybody's got a problem with you all of a sudden.
  Jyll: Yeah there was fire actually.
  Sophie: Really?
  Jyll: Yeah.
  Sophie: Maybe that's the trick to not getting out of places - no arson.
  • Rio points out that while the crew weren't the arsonists, the players were.
• Captain Sophie is only captain this week - next week is Davey. She thinks it's not very fair that Bondar is the captain all the time, unlike the gnomes who rotate and do the jobs that need to be done.
• Aelfgifu shows up wearing an expression that's half she did something that might get her in trouble and half very pleased with herself. Jyll is immediately suspicious because last time she saw that expression on her she had stolen a book and gave it to a goat and an owl.
  Jyll: Did you break anything?
  Alexi: Did I break any of the beds?
  Kit: No, you did not.
  Jyll: Did you steal anything?
  Aelfgifu: No, I couldn't find the candy.
  • Aelfgifu really wants a reason for the party to visit Gnometopia even though they don't have any issues with undead and don't have any connections with the Star Wardens. When Sophie says they have an expansive library with a badly organized filing system, Aelfgifu thinks they should go just for Dewey's sake. Jyll is tempted, but also points out Dewey would probably abandon them to take control of it. Cacophony wonders if they're obligated to tell him about it.
  Kit: Are you gonna White Fang Dewey?
  Annie: You have to be with your own books!
• Jyll tells the others that they might have to return to Biancarda, and everyone groans just like she did. Except Artie, because the most important thing he remembers from then is getting laid twice.
  • Jyll reminds them that the rest of the crew is probably still mad at them for getting the ship impounded, and Aelfgifu asks her if she thinks it was the madest they've ever been. Jyll looks at her pointedly and reminds her of how she almost blew everyone up a few days ago.
  • Since the Conditional Pacifist has a flamethrower attached, Aelfgifu asks Sophie if the gnomes have any advice on using fire in the Phlogiston.
  Sophie: Cross your fingers and pray.
  Aelfgifu: To who?
  Sophie: Anyone who's listening.
• Rio has to ask if Lachlan is still a horse, and Kit points out that no, because Jyll did kiss him earlier and that would be weird if he was.
• Alexi is tickled by Atra casting Legend Lore, since she's an NPC and it boils down to Kit casting a spell to ask Kit a question.
• Turns out Artie wasn't far off about one of the Gnomish gods - there is a Davey Dave, the god of snacks.
• Cacophony finds Nap Squad asleep on the pile of gnome beds and wakes them up with Unearthly Chorus. The gnomes jam out to it, and when she finishes one of them asks for "Freebird". She obliges.
• Maq accidentally says "The Kwestwel" when saying they're returning to the ship, and everyone roasts her.
  Alexi: Typo in the group chat!
  Kit: When the Kestrel gets blown up we'll replace it with the Kwestwel.

Taphos pt. 1 (episodes 92-99)

Episode 92 - Stardust and Quicksilver

• The debate over which library to visit, options including Port Meridian (Aelfgifu doesn't want to go because they may have noticed the book she stole), Biancarda (nobody knows if they're allowed back on the planet), the Gnometopia library (Aelfgifu only wants to visit because the gnomes seem "zany"), and the Seeker planet (which Cacophony nominates because her girlfriend is there).
• Artie, who normally hates work, is so paranoid about the gnome repairs that he volunteers to help Veli double-check on them.
  Veli: Go through and check what materials they used to patch the hull. I wanna make sure none of it is alive.
• Artie bursts into Aelfgifu's room when she wakes up screaming, then Rio pauses to determine whether Artie sleeps in the nude. He doesn't.
• After Aelfgifu's nightmare, Jyll offers to make her some tea, and Kit asks how she heats water. Fortunately Cacophony can use prestidigitation to accomplish it.
  Kit: Good, I was concerned we were gonna have another fire whoopsie.
  Alexi: That's just waht Aelfgifu needs, have a terrible world-ending dream and then light the ship on fire.

Episode 93 - Midwinter Birthinox

• While decorating, Aelfgifu hangs streamers on Lawnmower. She's also gotten secretive with gifts, so there are multiple floorboards across the ship that just have "DON'T" scrawled on them.
  • She decides to program the magical Billy Bass to sing "that ah~ah~ah thunder song that Jyll likes".
• Jyll's gifts for Captain Bondar are some self-help books: How to Captain Friends and Influence Crewmembers, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Medium-Size Humanoids, and Who Moved my Spelljammer?
  • Artie gets a kaleidoscope and is immediately enraptured by it.
• Aeflgifu gives Jyll the box with the fish and Jyll is...speechless.
  Aelfgifu: Now I know what you're thinking. It's just an awesome fish. But there's more.
  Jyll: Yes, that is what I was thinking.
  • And then Jyll hears it sing and starts tearing up because it's terrible and she loves it.
  Jyll (through happy tears): I'm never gonna turn it on again! How do I make it stop!
  Cacophony: I don't think there's a way to make it stop but maybe bury it under some blankets?
  Jyll: Thank you for this curse!
• The crew's been playing various board games throughout the day. Cacophony suggests Fantasy Catan, much to everyone's chagrin.
• Artie gives everyone shells that were originally going to be coupons for a free blowjob, but Mr. Hurst told him not to. So now they're coupons to get chores done, as long as they're not too hard.
• Annie sings a version of "Christmas is Coming" altered for Birthinox, and it does include a line about the Crimson Abbess coming for you because "it's not Christmas unless there's a little bit of a threat."
• Aelfgifu tries to confess stuff to Jyll, but Jyll affirms that she'll be fine and that the gift-giving tradition was essentially invented as a reason to tell the Abbess and Bone-White Jacques they did something nice for each other. Which leads to Aelfgifu and Artie to realize that, like all religions, this one is just held together by bribes.
  Aelfgifu: Okay, guess I'm safe. Good to know I can keep doing bad things. *teleports away*
  Jyll: That's not the takeway!
• Jyll sends a Sending to Tuatha, and gets a reply.
  Tuatha: Season's Greeting to you too. Hope it's - hmm? Jyll. From space? In my head. Magic, duh. It's summer here - you're wasting my words. SorryaboutthatJyllhopeeverything'sgreatcan'twaittoseeyouagainbyyyyeeee!
  • She also sends one to Max, which just dissolves into angrish.

Episode 94 - A Bag That Makes Dogs

• Wyn's wearing a sweater that just says "this girl loves Halloween"!
• Jylliana asks Wyn if she told Thazita which port they're headed to on Taphos, and then the whole group wonder if any of the places they've been to have more than one port...or more than one important spot for that matter.
  Aelfgifu: As far as I know, everywhere we go has one important spot, and we park in the important spot and go do the adventure.
  • She's the vindicated when Captain Bondar states there really is only one port on Taphos.
• Aelfgifu finds out that the atmosphere on the ship could eventually go bad and starts worrying that it's going to happen right now. Jyll and Bondar have to convince her that she's safe and she doesn't need to start holding her breath because they already calculate their routes to keep things fresh.
• Jyll wonders why the Cult of the World Eater would be interested in a backwater, low-tech planet like Taphos - which just happens to be populated by minotaurs.
  Wyn: Maybe they like big, beefy cow-men?
  Jyl: I mean...whomst among us.
  Wyn: Whomst among us would callt hem guilty in a court of law?
• Jyll establishes a gameplan for when they reach Taphos: Cacophony will handle whatever info Thazita passes on, Aelfgifu will track down the Cult activity, Jyll will commune with the local deities, and Artie will establish dominance by punching the biggest guy in the snout. Artie says he'll only do so after seeing how hot he is.
  • After this is settled, Maq declares they get to the next scene via star-wipe (complete with sparkly sound effect).
• The Kestrel needs to go back to Cabalspace before they go to Taur-Kosmos because there's no direct Phlogiston current between the spheres. But Lachlan doesn't even bother trying to port in Biancarda - he just pulls in, whips a shitty, and drives away again. Aelfgifu flips the planet the bird as they fly away.
• The players are unprepared for the in-universe Calendar to roll over to...1990.
  Kit: 1989 was the year Spelljammer came out.
  Rio: Because you're a fuckin' nerd? Is that what you're a saying? You're a fuckin' goddamn nerd?
  Kit: I've been building up to this joke for four years.
  Rio: It took you four years to turn a whole calendar year?
  Kit: You started in June of last year, it took me four years to go six months!
  • Annie's just delighted that Kit is using the in-universe calendar to track when they hit the New Year following Birthinox. Kit asks for a pop of confetti sound effect (Jake obliges) and Alexi confirms she heard it in her head.
• Jyll volunteers to help Finn in the kitchen, but he usually ends up kicking her out with a cutting board and a knife.
  Kit: He's like an Italian grandmonther, but he's tiny and a lizard.
• Wyn is worried she might get in trouble for picking up Thazita's package for Cacophony as herself. Jyll asks for the worst-case scenario.
  Wyn: They see right through my disguise, recognize me as actually the person who pretends to be Cacophony, and they declare me Enemy Number One, Thazita decides she's going to hunt me down (actually that's very attractive), we become enemies, there's a lot of fighting where she throws magic at me and I've got my sword out and I'm like "No! No baby! Don't!"
  Jyll: Do you like, corner her and do you tip the sword under her chin and lift her up to look her in the eyes?
  Wyn: No, I should. And then we make out!
  Jyll: Uh-huh. And that's the worst case scenario?
  Wyn: My mind might've gotten distracted in the panic there.
  Jyll: You are a little gay, yeah.
  • Wyn confirms that this is also the best-case scenario.
• Nap Squad tries to pressure Lachlan into joining them and turning into a big dog for them to cuddle with. He points out that Aelfgifu has a bag that makes dogs, but Aelfgifu bemoans that there's only a 1/8 chance of dog and it's usually not sleepy because it just came into existence. She also doesn't want to constantly use it to try and get one.
  Alefgifu: "Welcome to existence Rat Mercer! You're not the animal I was looking for, time to go back into the void." I don't wanna do that.
  • He relents and turns into a swamp wolf for them. Jyll walks up to see this and is genuinely considering joining before walking away.

Episode 95 - The Legend of Brimothy Pepys

• Annie kicks off the episode with "It's Taur-Kosmos instead of Taurspace! We Greek bitches! There's gonna be olives as far as the eye can see!"
  • This leads to the realization that if the planet is a Mediterrannean environment, it's gonna be warm, so they should all be in togas.
  • Aelfgifu opts for something closer to Spartan fashion, but not full tits-out like usual. Rio claims their normal outfit is already good and already has tits out, but the others demand Artie have his tits out in a different way.
  • And of course as soon as they land, every minotaur around clocks them as tourists.
  Annie: We were never gonna fit in anyway so we might as well have fun and look cute.
• After being around the big, beefy minotaur men for all of five minutes Artie seeks out a few bottles of oil. Then Rio is disappointed to find out it's fish oil, not olive oil.
• Aelfgifu's greeting to a group of other off-worlders. is a hilariously awkward "how do you do, fellow star-sailors?"
  • Alexi names the titular Brimothy because Kit couldn't get their name generator open fast enough.
  • She tells him about the singing fish that she had made on Biancarda and recommends he get one for himself.
  • Kit says they have to keep using Brimothy as the go-to since he's named now.
  Annie: Brimothy has a rich inner life!
  Kit: Thousands of years from now, Brimothy's multi-volume diary is going to be an important historical artifact.
  • Aelfgifu's description of how religions work.
  Aelfgifu: So y'know, they get together and they're like "I like this thing up in the sky" and "I like the same, y'know, sky-person" and then they're buds. And they got their little chants and books and things.
  • Annie snarks that sailors are notoriously unlikely to seek out divine protection on their travels.
• Brimothy explains the Duke of Stardust, the anthropomorphic personification of space that the sailors casual give offerings to as supersitition, who after a moment Rio realizes is basically David Bowie. He also has a husband, the Quicksilver Knight, who represents time, and Aelfgifu is excited to find out that they're gay.
  • The sailors also confirm that the Duke likes "nice things" as offerings, like wine. Or drugs.
  • Aelfgifu is told that there's a lighthouse you can visit to commune with them, but the sailors are unsure if it's a literal lighthouse or a lighthouse of the soul. Annie under her breath suggests building a birdhouse in your soul.
• On the spelling, Alexi insists it's P-E-P-Y-S but pronounced "Peeps". Annie and Alexi then start arguing whether it should be pronounced "Pee-piss". As you can see from the episode title, you can tell who won out.
• Artie orders food at the local pub and orders six silver worth of wine and baklava. He hands the bartender a gold (almost twice as much) and asks if any weirdos have come through lately.
  Annie: Says the fuckboy fishman.
  Bartender: You mean besides you?
  Artie: Hey, I tipped you!
  • The bartender mentions serving the people who say weird stuff like "the worm will show them the way" (something the sailors also mentioned encountering). He's not too phased by it, he just makes sure nobody buys anything on credit.
• Upon hearing that the Vodoni Emperor may have been assassinated, Max's child sister might be the new Empress, and the political situation is much more complicated than Max has been letting on, Jylliana furiously composes and launches a Sending at him. His response is basically a groggy "I just woke up, huh?"
  • Aelfgifu then tells Jyll to leave him hanging because she should conserve her spell slots since the island is full of monsters - but on the upside, she can spend this time composing more angry sendings for Max once they're done.
• When the party return to Artie, he's drunk and badly singing. Kit points out that the wine is watered down, so he's probably the only drunk person at the pub.
  • The Star Wipe returns to skip Aelfgifu explaining everything she learned from the sailors.
  • Wyn suggests the Duke could be Aelfgifu's patron, and that she could have "two gay dads and a suncle".
  • Aelfgifu assures Jyll that she'll keep telling her what's going on so that Jyll can make sure she doesn't do anything stupid, which calms Jyll for a moment. Then Aelfgifu declares that they gotta get some drugs.
• In the stinger, Rio stresses about not being able to edit their character sheet.
  Kit: There should not be anything on here you can't edit.
  Rio: Why won't it let me edit?
  Maq: We don't trust you, Rio.
  Rio: That's fair.
  Annie: Honey it does require you doing math, and that is a tricky situation.
  Kit: Minus one is a farely easy calculation, I will point out.
  Annie: And yet!
  Rio: Oh, my cat took off the number lock.

Episode 96 - The Sun Rises In The Mountains And Sets In The Nasty Pit

• Kit presents a map that Aelfgifu drew, but Alexi misinterprets and thinks Kit wants them to try to replicate the map and they party must use that.
  • In-universe, Aelfgifu immediately tries to carve it in the table until Jylliana shoves a journal and pen into her hands.
  • Aelfgifu doesn't normally use cardinal directions, instead saying things are towards the sea, towards the mountains, or towards the Nasty Pit.
  • Kit gives an estimate of how fast the party can travel to their destination. Aeflgifu then expans on that a few days to factor in characters weighed down by heavy armour and general bickering.
  Aelfgifu: We can probably manage it in four days if we're...you know. Disciplined. Haha.
  Wyn: I cannot think of a single time in our lives we've been disciplined.
  Artie: I've been disciplined!
  Wyn: Not like that, Artie.
  • Aelfgifu's excited at the prospect of camping because "it's been so long since I've licked a tree!" Artie says she could just ask Veli, causing a real spit take from Alexi.
  • Artie turns towards the other tavern patrons and shouts "Are the monsters hot?" When one guy says they can breath fire, Jyll clarifies that they're asking if they're sexy (they are not).
  • They decide to get more info from the guy who spoke, Dimitrios, but Artie immediately tries to flirt. Aelfgifu sits on the table in front of him to keep Dimitrios from getting distracted.
• After Anna explains that Lachlan is never without his abacus, notebook, and clipboard, Annie and Rio call him a nerd at the exact same time. Anna suggests Jake sync the episode only by that.
  Anna: Listen, Lachlan is a quartermaster, he's a professional nerd.
• Artie tries to assure Jyll that Lachlan wants to be exclusive because he said no to him. Wyn counters "everyone says no to you, Artie", and Artie freaks out. He has a temper tantrum and then returns to the tavern in the hopes of proving them all wrong.
• Aeflgifu doesn't know what taxes are but she's picked up the phrase "tax dedecutable" and applies it to anything that inconveniences her.
• Jyll and Aelfgifu try to figure out how much sunlight they have left before realizing the difficulty of calculating that on a disc world like Taphos. Then Aelfgifu panics and wonders if those are more common than spherical planets and they've just been lucky so far, while Jyll complains about how stars are sometimes just lizards.
  Anna: Don't get her star-ted.
  Kit: Lachlan takes seven psychic damage.
  Anna: He dies instantly!
• The conversation on how detailed Kit plans on getting with the party's rations turns to the possibility of Jyll having a lasanga setting on her "conjure food and water" spell.
• Jyll retrieves Artie from the tavern and congratulates him on getting handsy with a hot ranger minotaur in there. Artie snaps back "yeah, I can get it!"
  Jyll: Do you wanna hit some monsters or whatever?
  Artie: Well I was about to hit a monster and then you came in.
  Jyll: Can I give you a juicebox? Will you feel better if you have a juicebox?
  Artie: Yes.

Episode 97 - Class-Mandated Paranoia

• Jyll got Artie some goldfish crackers too. He calls it cannibalism.
• Wyn pulls Artie aside to apologize for saying everyone says no to him, but has to clarify to the others that she's not having sex with him.
• Jyll tries to compliment Lachlan on his hair, and ends up asking him if he got gayer. He says that he got queer-er, perhaps.
• Alexi says that Aelfgifu's features and abilities are great for determining the safest route through the wilderness since she can sense basically every beast in the area - the titular "class-mandated paranoia". Then they encounter an Amphisbaena.
  Anna: You know CatDog? This is like that, but it's Snake-Snake.
  Alexi: Why is a snake with an extra head not a beast? I ask you, Gary Gygax's ghost?
  Kit: Well there's this category in the Monster Manual called "monstrosity".
  Alexi: And it's just there to fuck with rangers.
  • Insulting the snake involves such gems as "you think you're so smart because you can locomote" and "the snake thinks it can take on four people, don't you know the law of numbers?"
  Aelfgifu: Snake can't do math!
  Jyll: We can't do math either.
  Aelfgifu: It's even worse at math than us!
  Jyll: We're a party full of gays, that's the really cutting insult.
  • Wyn casting Dissonant Whispers on it is just her making hissing noises.
• Wyn gets to level up on her own because she did some shenanigans with Aelfgifu earlier and tipped over the limit thanks to killing some rats.
• Trying to figure out dinner plans, Wyn suggests casting Heat Metal on Jyll's armor, which she kiboshes because she doesn't want it to warp. Aelfgifu immediately says that she could use her mythril breastplate to make soup.
  Kit: It's not gonna taste weird at all!
  Alexi: This is a brilliant plan until Aelfgifu buckles on her breastplate and goes "shit, it smells like soup".
  Maq: I can prestidigitate it clean! It's a foolproof plan!
  Anna: Make sure you clean it before you do it or else it'll taste like boob sweat.
  Annie: I'm not casting mending on your soup-plate.

Episode 98 - Ask Your Questions, Little Angel

• Jylliana attempts to commune with Baphomet, and Aelfgifu tries to help by finding some live game she can use as tribute. Instead she finds some potentially psychadelic mushrooms.
  Aelfgifu: This one's for you, Space Dad.
• Baphomet says that, in order to stop the World Eater cult on Taphos, "there's a worm in the well. You have to take it out."
  Maq: *whispering* Is that with a "y" or an "o"?
  Kit: An "o".
  Alexi: Don't ask the God to correct their spelling.
  • Baphomet declares he likes Jyll.
  Jyll: Th-th-thank you? I don't think that's a good thing.
  Anna: Monster boyfriend three incoming.
• When Jyll awakens from her ritual, Artie asks her if she saw El Cucuy - who he describes as "a monster that hides in your closet and gets you if you don't eat all your fish."
• Jyll asks the group if they've heard of the man Baphomet named, Varengar. They do not.
  Artie: The Varengar Bus is coming?
  Kit: Do not ask for whom the bus comes. It comes for thee!
• Artie and Wyn see some two-headed wolves during their watch. Artie rolls a nat 1 on his Nature Check, so not only does he know why wolves might have two heads, but isn't sure what a wolf is to begin with. Wyn has to explain using Max as a starting point.

Episode 99 - Crabs All the Way Down

• Aelfgifu warns Jylliana that messing with gods too much could backfire because they aren't exactly beholden to the rules she might think they are. After a beat:
  Jyll: What books have you been reading?
  Aelfgifu: I think thoughts!
  Jyll: Like, a couple of months ago you were asking me what cults where. What extra credit have you been doing?
  • As the conversation goes on, Aelfgifu tells her to be cautious when she reaches out to touch these things - reach out and touch faith, if you will.
  Maq: Thank you! I was thinking about that the whole time.
  • After Alefgifu and Jyll sort everything out and understand that they're just looking out for each other, Jyll pulls her into a side hug. After a moment, Aelfgifu declares that this is too much heartwarming emotion and quickly kills a rabbit for a snack.
• After finding some other adventurers who didn't survive an encounter with the wildlife, the party decide to take one head (to Speak with Dead) and all their money, which is a 'lot'. Artie grabs it all immediately and starts arguing with Jyll, since she's concerned he's going to keep it instead of giving a tithe to the ship on their return, before storming away. Jingling.
  • Wyn manages to grab it back with sleight of hand, despite Rio's insistence that they could notice it with a roll of 5 and a Perception of +1.
  • Wyn gives it back to Jyll, who puts it with her 3229 Electrum.
• The party see a pod of dolphins off the coast in the distance, and one of them waves at Artie.
  Artie: How rude!
  Jylliana: What does that mean in dolphin?
  Artie: You don't wanna know. He's an asshole. Like all dolphins.
• Jyll Sends to Max in the hopes that he'd actualyl explain what's going on and if he's safe. He immediately replies that Vodon is "full of liars and manipulaters, and you wound't like the person [he] has to be right now".
  Rio: Kit, are you doing a "you won't like me any more, I'm a monster"? Because that's rude to me specifically.
  • Annie refers to Max as "heir to the throne of Wolfington".
• In the morning, the party discover that they accidentally put their Tiny Hut on top of a giant buried crab, and are awoken by it struggling to emerge from underneath.
• Artie saves a foal belonging to a feywild horse, and in return her mother Dawnstar tells Artie he may call upon her three times - no more.
  Artie: Thank you! I will not remember that.

The Crystal Dream Palace (episodes 100-106)

Episode 100 - The Jemjammer 100th Episode Crystal Millennium Spectacular

• Anna states that even though this is a side episode, it's "technically canon and does take place at the same time, but in a sort of side-y way".
  Annie: I feel like some Ring shenanigans are gonna be at foot here.
  Alexi: It was all a dream.
  Maq: But in dreams, the evening staaAAAR!
  Anna: Something like that.
• Jylliana thinks the situation is a dream, mumbling that it must be the last day of class before final. Artie doesn't know what a "class" is, and also says if it was a dream he'd be fully naked.
• Jyll and Aelfgifu are unsure how to feel about getting spirited away, since last time that happened...mixed feelings.
  Jyll: I swear to Ethla if there's another Death's Head at the end who has riddles for us...
  • Determining that the goal in this space is to rescue a princess and kiss her, Wyn says that unless the princess is a dragon she's only moderately interested. Jyll and Aelfgifu demand the chance to kiss her since they've never been able to. Artie thinks he should do it, since he's done it before and the other two might "mess it up". Ultimately Jyll suggests the three form a queue once they find her.
• Aelfgifu suggests moving through the doors anti-clockwise "just to be perverse".
  Rio: I always want to go to the left.
  Annie: Oh, because you have a Zoolander problem?
  Rio: No I was just thinking..."to the left, to the left"...
• The party enters a room with a statue bearing the sign "show me nothing but wealth", and a variety of treasure and junk mixed together. They determine pretty quickly it's a Secret Test of Character, but aren't quite sure how to proceed. Eventually they land on tossing some treasure and some junk into a pit in the centre of the room to see what happens.
  Aelfgifu: I do like throwing things.
  Jyll:You do like throwings things.
  Aelfgifu:And I like tossing things in pits. Maybe this is why it's my room.
  Jyll:Just like the Nasty Pit.
  Aelfgifu:I used to throw all kinds of things into the Nasty Pit!

Episode 101 - The Revenge of the Nasty Pit

• While Jyll and Wyn try to figure out what to do, the crystal elementals wait around patiently. Talking Is a Free Action, after all.
• Anna compares the crystal elementals exploding into shrapnel to Sonic losing his rings when he's hit. Then everyone realizes the enemies are all blue and spikey, so in a sense they're just fighting a bunch of Sonic OCs.
  • Anna later describes them in a way that Annie thinks they're arachnids. Anna counters that they can't be arachnids, they don't have exoskeletons - or any skeletons for that matter.
• Artie has a glaive with the "reach" property. Artie doesn't know what that means in-universe, so he still goes in for close-range hits.
  Anna: If you had used the reach capacity of your weapon to stretch out and hit it you wouldn't have had to make the save.
  Rio: Yeah I know.
  Annie:...okay.
  Rio: I, Rio, the player knows. Artie, the character, is a big dumb boi!
• The shattered elementals do look valuable in their inert crystal form.
  Jyll: Hey Aelfgifu, what's your personal perspective on crystal spider chunks? On a scale from 1 to wealth?
  Aelfgifu: They look good, I want them, they look shiny, but I don't know if that means I get to keep them or if I gotta chuck them in the hole.
  • They decide to search the room further in case there are items of a more personal value to Aelfgifu, like whittled deer or a "World's Best Grayson" mug. Instead they find a very old skeleton. Which has actually been there the whole time (including on the roll20 map they were using), they were all just too distracted to notice.
  • Wyn wonders if the skeleton is there for metaphorical reasons.
  Wyn: What is wealth but life, maybe?
  Aelfgifu: I don't even -
  Jyll: I don't know.
  Aelfgifu: I don't know!
  Wyn: Because...Grayson told you to be happy.
  Jyll: Yeah but does that mean we chuck a corpse in a pit?
  • When Jyll snarks that "the real treasure is the friends we made along the way", Artie gets concerned that Aelfgifu will throw the party in the pit.
• Annie groans when she realizes that the actual solution to the puzzle is covering up every word on the sign except for "wealth", realizing it was a Speak Friend and Enter puzzle.
• Aelfgifu reaches for Artie's hand after the test, but Anna says the height difference means she actually grabs his face. Rio protests that Artie's not that ludicrously short.

Episode 102 - You Can't Be Nothing

• Now knowing what to expect behind everyone's door, Jylliana starts getting anxiety about having to confront her anxiety.
• As opposed to other hallways that are definitely not trapped, the party find themselves staring down a hallway filled with knives, saws, swinging blades, a hole that's just launching glass bottles - Anna describes it not as a trap hallway but a meatgrinder.
  Rio: Why is the floor covered in Legos?
• Cacophony would be able to move through the first half of the hall with effortless grace, but because she's Wyn right now it looks more like an awkward high school dance through all the obstacles.
  • Anna describes some close calls - a dart thrower nearly gives her a free nose-piercing, and a spear nearly gives her a free stomach piercing.
  • Aelfgifu's assesment of this test: Jyll should solve her problems with dance. Jyll stresses that the best she can do is a basic waltz. And Artie...
  Artie: Maybe it's...watchamacallit...
  *beat as everyone stares at him*
  Artie:...I lost it.
• Wyn slips and falls into the blades - and they pass right through her. She tests this a few times before confirming none of the blades are real. Jyll also does this as the metaphor clicks, and just screams into her hands.
  Aelfgifu: I think I understand this one better than mine.
  Jyll: *muffled* Ugh, the therapy books I borrowed at the library were right!
  *Artie cartwheels through the illusions*
  • During the pump-up speech for Jyll against the next set of illusions, Wyn pauses to state that after two "you can be both" morals she's pretty concerned for what's behind her door.
  • What starts getting Jyll out of the funk is the party telling her that her relationship with Lachlan is a lot closer to the simpler version and he likes her because of that - and they should know, they spied on her a lot.
  • During a group hug, Breadstix gives Jyll a love nip and laps up the blood, and everyone decides to not worry about that right now.
  Annie: He's a creature of the Feywild. What's he need the blood for? Don't worry about it!

Episode 103 - Who You Are Right Now

• Artie and Wyn/Cacophony's doors are left, and they're both very sexy doors.
• Jylliana suggests Artie use his cannon to shoot the pedastel and skip the test of character.
• Confronted with a crystal staircase, Artie goes down and Rio starts Waxing Lyrical.
  Rio: Down down, do-be-be-be-do-down.
  Annie:...Sugar we're goin' down swingin'?
  Anna: But Artie is not number one with a bullet because he doesn't have a gun.
  Rio: Aw, way to rub it in!
  • The players joke about not following Artie down, and instead suggest closing the door to wait. Then Rio counters that Artie would close the door himself. "Um, excuse me, this is private."
• Confronted with a hard-to-open door, Aelfgifu pops out a bunch of animals from her Bag of Tricks, including Rat Mercer, a bear (Tom Bearbadil), and a giant goat (Sergeant Grumbles). Anna has to stress that the hallway they're in is only seven feet wide.
  • When the door finally opens, it's because the chain holding it shut snapped in two - and Jyll senses divine magic on it.
  Artie: Sweet, God is on my side! That usually doesn't happen.
• Artie sees his pedastel and immediately says he wants to take a nap instead, then tries to get the others to double back and do Wyn's room first instead.
  • Trying to motivate Artie after seeing the vision, everyone lists important things about him - these include "is bad at chores", "doesn't understand spiders", "doesn't have a gun", and "fucks a lot".
  • Anna asks Rio how the two visions of Artie would show the real Artie affection, then quickly mentions that the funny option would be they make out. Rio was also about to suggest that. Instead they do a complicated three-way bro handshake - and then make out.
  Wyn: I have a question. Is that incest?
  Artie: No, it's me.
  Wyn: Okay, that's fair.
  Artie: Guys, I'm a really great kisser!
  Jyll: ...yeah, I believe that.
  • Then he pulls the party into a huge bear hug, and Wyn asks him if he can crack her spine while he's at it.
• Jyll hands out juiceboxes, one of which is non-alcoholic wine for Wyn (who prestidigitates it to taste better). It's sparkling grape juice from Champaignsphere.
• In the stinger, Maq firmly orders her cat to "get on the lap or don't, it's your choice", and everyone is flustered by "dom Wyn".

Episode 104 - It's Worked So Far

• Jyll and Wyn navigate a hedge maze by keeping their hand on the left wall and going as fast as they can. Artie decides to cheat by tossing Aeflgifu into the air so she can see further.

Episode 105 - Gem Jammed Part 1

• The secret at the heart of the Dream Dungeon turns out to be Tuatha of Krynn. Who now has electric blue skin. Artie wasn't there for this, so he doesn't recognize her.
  Artie: The princess is blue, I get to kiss her first.
  • Wyn points out the last clue they got referred to a kiss of "love and hate" and says that Jyll is the best candidate for kissing Tuatha after all. Jyll can't help but agree after speedreading the poem again.
• Wyn asks why Tuatha's blue, and Jyll says you can't just ask people why they're blue.
• Jyll freaks a little when she realizes Tuatha, when not cursed, is the same height as her.
  Anna: You've lost your only advantage!
• As Artie introduces himself and says he's a king, Tuatha responds "ooh, me too".
  Jyll: Wait I'm sorry, you're what? Are you dream princess or a princess for real?
  Aelfgifu: It's entrapment.
  Tuatha: I'm not a princess, no. I'm a queen.
  Jyll: What?!
  Tuatha: Similarly a mess, it's fine.
  Jyll: Ugh, what is it with hot royalty?!
• After Malkess the night hag reveals herself and creates crystal copies of the illusions the party faced earlier:
  Jyll: Cool friends of yours Tuatha!
  Tuatha: So I don't know her. Or I do and I forgot who this is, in which case I'm very sorry.
  Aelfgifu: That's relatable, it happens.
  • They also have to give Tuatha the lowdown on who the crystal dopplegangers are, leading to Tuatha finall getting the skinny of Jyll and Lachlan's...situation.
  Jyll: That's my...not-boyfriend?
  Wyn: It's your boyfriend, Jyll.
  Tuatha: Y'all haven't figured that out? You haven't put a ring on that yet?
  Jyll: I mean we've gone out a couple times, we made out a bunch, but I'm just not totally sure if we're official...
  Tuatha: Have you tried asking?
  Wyn: That's what I said!
  Jyll: I'm working on it.
  Tuatha: Okay. *Beat* Just seems like the easiest way to go about solving that.
  Jyll: *angrish*
• When fighting his own doppleganger, Artie declares this way more messed up than making out with himself.
• Wyn's somatic component for casting Shatter is saying "Ping!"
• When Tuatha sends out 49 lightning damage, Jylliana gets a little flustered - and then immediately gets annoyed with herself because of it.

Episode 106 - Gem Jammed Part 2

• The previous episode ended with Aelfgifu getting a natural 20 crit on one of the constructs. This episode starts with her being told constructs are immune to psychic damage and everyone whining.
  • Tuatha turns that immunity from psychic damage to resistance thanks to the Wild Magic table, and in turn grows 3 years younger.
  Jake: I'm like seventeen now.
  Annie: Do you have really bag acne?
  Jake: No she has perfect skin forever.
• Jyll casts Harm and does enough damage to Markess' crystal shield...that it detonates.
  Jake: I don't think it needs too...
  Anna: Oh yes, it detonates!
• Tuatha is planning on using fireball, and there's a good possibility that she might hit everyone else.
  Alexi: We brought Jake on to record Jemjammer with us...and he wiped the party.
  • Tuatha's Wild Magic ends up making her afraid of Jylliana.
  Jake: Aw beans! She kissed me too good earlier!
• One of Malkess' attacks is spitting her teeth at her foes. Everyone jokes that she's having one of those kinds of dreams.
• Tuatha figures the reason she didn't subconciously reach out to her party members Solvin and Flint is because her party doesn't care about feelings.
  Tuatha: I think you lot are using up our feeling alotment and that's why we don't really do it, but - like Solvin would catch on fire if we tried to do emotions at him so that'd be...really funny but pretty awful.
• Tuatha elaborates on her queenliness, namely that she's also been deposed. Jyll admits that that does actually make her feel better.
  • When Artie says that he had to fake his death, Tuatha offers him a hug. Thanks to the height difference, he ends up shoved into her bosom.
• While everyone else makes plans to do brunch, Jyll mutters out loud "it's weird kissing someone without tusks". But it's during a lull in the conversation, and everyone hears her.
• Mishakael got help from Baphomet from earlier, and passes on rewards he gave for them.
  • Wyn (who's definitely still there, the recording didn't run long) gets a wand that makes invisible choir music when she waves it. Annie excitedly compares it to the Wind Waker wand.
• Artie gets a carved wooden fish. Except no, it's a gun (that can shoot various types of fish).
  Alexi: Nap squad has a gun.
  Annie: The prophecy has been fulfilled.
  • Artie claims he can't read the instructions. Annie says they must be written in Fin-ish.
  • Jylliana gets a necklace of sulphurous prayer beads that make her very uncomfortable.
  • Aelfgifu gets a cloak that actually manifested from the stars, and it lets her fill it with items that appear on the inside in the form of constellations. She declares she's gonna fill it with so many snack constellations.

Taphos pt. 2 (episodes 107-115)

Episode 107 - Talkin' Horse

• Jylliana immediately needs to burn a spell slot to Sending at Tuatha. Aelfgifu gets really concerned that they'll need that slot later.
  Jyll: I don't know how to ask this without it sounding like I'm just flirting, so...did I dream about kissing you last night?
  Aelfgifu: That's what you're spending a third level spell slot on?!
  Artie: Sounds appropriate.
  Aelfgifu: If I die -
  Tuatha: I remember you kissing me in the dreamscape, but you might've dreamt about it afterwards too - it was a pretty good one ~
  • Then Jyll doesn't realize she said her Sending out loud. Aelfgifu points out that Jyll always mutters her Sendings out loud to get the word count right.
• Artie's gun is named "The Blunderbass". Kit doesn't mind any of the new items the party has because whenever they get new stuff Kit just increases the HP that the monsters have. But also, the Blunderbass is basically useless.
  Anna: It's just musket!
• Everyone gets excited when, during their travels, they hear norse noises. Aelfgifu tells them to calm down - or rather, hold their horses.
  Annie: But I'm champing at the bit!
  Alexi: Oh I shouldn't have...
  Kit: You opened this door.
  Annie: You opened the barn door and I walked right in.
  Kit: Jylliana you take four psychic damage.
  • Aelfgifu scouts ahead and sees a heard of pegasi, and takes a moment to look in awe "like she's in Jurassic Park", and says that if she had sunglasses she'd be pulling them off.
• Aelfgifu really wants to talk to them, and though she can speak to animals and tries to simulate ear swivels as well, ultimately they are not animals but magical creatures (a crucial difference). Aelfgifu does notice an attitude akin to the swan in the lead pegasi.
  Aelfgifu: Oh no, the horse is racist...
• The party stumble into, and manage to struggle out of, a section of jungle full of vines growing fast enough to entangle them. Since they didn't actualyl fight anything, they don't get any experience.
  Aelfgifu: Hold on everyone, on second thought, I'd like to level up, maybe we should go back.
  Jyll: I am sure we will have so many opportunities to fight shit later.
  Artie: This is an island of monsters.
  Jyll: I'm sure if you ask the fates loud enough, a whole-ass chimera will just land on us and it'll be great.
  *Kit starts laughing*
  Jyll: That was not an ask!
• Jyll Sendings to Captain Bondar, mentioning the weird dreams but not going in to detail. Captain Bondar appreciates her "not reciting her dream journal" to her.
  • Annie also Sendings Max, but has to catch Kit up on what happened the last time she did so.
  Annie: Jylliana was like "hey, do you wanna actually tell me what the fuck the problem is?" and he was like "well it turns out I'm hot and sad".
• Jyll now gets to have the "what are we" convo over Sending herself!
  Jyll: We made it from the beach to the woods. Safe travels today, how are you? No worries if not but do you maybe wanna be my boyfriend?
  Lachlan: What was that you said? Your last word cut off. Fill me in when possible, I'll be thinking of you, can't wait to see you.
  • Cut to Jyll staring into space slack-jawed before counting on her fingers and realizing her message was cut off at "maybe wanna be". Then she grabs her pillow and screams into it.
  Wyn: Does that mean he said yes? Or something went wrong.
  Aelfgifu: It's impossible to tell.
  • Aelfgifu offers Jyll her symapthies, but also tells her to keep screaming into her pillow because they're surrounded by monster-filled woods.
• Wyn assures Jyll that Lachlan and her will laugh over this later...in a hundred years with 50 babies. She doesn't know how long non-elves live. Jyll explains that aasimar can probably get to 150, but half-orcs don't live that long. And the episode ends with her repeating that with dread.

Episode 108 - Annihilated by the Sensation of a Thousand Fish

• The first line of the episode is Wyn saying that she's going to outlive everyone, so if anyone gets to have an existential crisis it's her.
  • Aelfgifu is twenty years old, so naturally she declares she's going to live forever. Then the voices she's been hearing from the ether send her the equivalnet of a thumbs up emoji.
• When Aelfgifu and Wyn investigate a unicorn, she leaves Breadstix behind to bite Jyll's ears if something goes wrong because "I'll already be in trouble, what's one more 'your pseudodragon bit my ear'."
  • The unicorn's name roughly translates to "Dappled Sunlight Through the Leaves", which angers Annie because that's a wolf name.
  • They return to camp and find Breadstix anxiously hovering over Jyll's ear and, disappointed that it doens't get to bite her, gnaws on Aelfgifu's finger instead.
• Explaining Unicorns to Artie, Jyll describes a "land-sea-horse-narwhal".
• Jyll isn't surprised that the Unicorn isn't strong enough to defeat the World Eater, since it's a thing that eats suns. Kit mentions it's only CR 5 and it probably wouldn't be a fair fight.
  Kit: I gotta run a simulation to see how many CR 5 unicorns it takes to kill a god.
  Maq: We are each two unicorns.
  Annie: Inside of you are two unicorns?
  Maq: Yes.
  Rio: One yearns to turn into see foam, and the other yearns to...chill out with a little girl?
  Annie: Kill a bull?
  Maq: Kill a bull and cry about being a woman.
  Annie: Por que no los dos?
• Later on, Aelfgifu sees what she thinks is an osprey carrying a salmon...then looks closer and realizes it's a gryphon carrying a dolphin.
  Aelfgifu: I mean that's kind of beautiful. Look! It's a gryphon eating a dolphin! Isn't that fucked up?
  Artie: That dolphin probably said some shit.
  Jyll: Yeah that dolphin ain't blameless.
• Upon finding a lake where a serpent that hates the Unicorn is allegedly lurking, Aelfgifu uses Beast Sense to see if it gets pinged. She's immediately "annihilated by the sensation of a thousand fish", which Annie says is the episode title and Alexi declares is her band name.
  • Aelfgifu remembers a story Greyson told her about there being a snake in a lake near their home with multiple heads and he'd say "you better not fuck with it or I'll know", just like a typical dad.
  • Jyll offers to electrocute the water, but would feel bad because it would damage everything in the lake. Aelfgifu reiterates that she knows exactly how many fish are in there.
• They decide to use Artie as bait to lure the Serpent into a vulnerable position, and also vibe check the serpent because he can talk to sea creatures. He does this by cupping his hands over his mouth and calling "Hey! Hey, you good!"
  Jyll: Oooooooh goddess.
  Kit: I have a very important question. How loud are you attempting to be right now?
  Rio: Real loud.
  Jyll: Well, there goes any of that conversation.
  • And of course, when the multi-headed serpent emerges from the water, Artie cheerfully declares "we found it!"
• In the stinger, Maq has to check on a weird undulating moaning noise coming from outside her window. Kit assures her that that's just what Christmas sounds like.

Episode 109 - It Looks Like A Dog But It Is Not A Dog

• Jylliana can pick a bead off of the prayer necklace from Baphomet without breaking the string. Anna compares it to picking a glass berry, and she can throw it ninety feet.
  Rio: Jyll was in softball.
  Annie: Yeah, I feel like I'm the softball bisexuals.
  Alexi: I wish I could through a berry ninety feet, like when I throw apples in the woods.
  • The bead forms into a flaming, skeletal dog, and the Hydra attacks it instead of the party. Alexi calls it the obligatory "let them fight" moment.
  • Aelfgifu doesn't know what to make of the nasty fire blood dog, silently raising her eyebrow at Jyll. Jyll also isn't sure how to respond, just shrugging and saying "it seems to be working?"
• Anna declares "you're in luck!" after double-checking what the hydra can do, and gets a chorus of "are we?" in response.
• Jyll tells Artie he needs to handle the hydra because it has many heads.
  Artie: I'm used to handling many heads, but not like this!
  • Shortly after, he gets sprayed in the face with acid because he was just standing out in the open.
  Artie: This is because of the head joke, isn't it!
  Jyll: Wow, gods are real.
• Remember in episode 99 when Artie declared he wouldn't remember Dawnstar the fey horse's name? He was right, so he starts shouting "what was the name of the horse? The land-sky-seahorse?"
• Artie tries using his blunder-bass against the Hydra, but only manages to graze it with a swordfish, which the hydra subsequently eats. Alexi waxes poetic about how sad it must be for the swordfish to be thrust into existence and merely hurled though the air and then devoured. Annie says it has big pot of daisies energy.
  • The same hydra head gets sick from Wyn's Stinking Cloud, and ends up barfing up the swordfish into the water "totally happy and definitely fine".
• Jyll explodes the hydra head engaged with her fiendish spirit "that I guess is now my responsibility".
  Rio: That's your pet now!
  Alexi: A fiend is not just for Christmas.
  • The head explodes, and the spirit starts chomping at the sky like a dog trying to catch bubbles.
  • A few turns later, the dog dies and it also explodes with Death Throes.
  Aelfgifu: It's cool that you're dog's a bomb, Jyll.
  Maq:: It's cool that you're dog's like a Voltorb with Self-Destruct.
  Jyll: We're learning lots of cool things about dogs today, aren't we.
• Artie's boon pays off, and the pegasi arrive!
  'We got a visual on the horses! *Beat*'' Oh no, are they all gonna drop horse shit on it?
• They walk up to the lead Pegasus and speaks to them in common...like a surfer bro.
  Zephyrus: Oh sorry bro we thought you were cultists!
  Artie: Wait, what?
  Zephyrus: Yeah you were sneaking around before we thought you were cultists.
  Artie: Oh, before!
  Zephyrus: Yeah, but then Epona say's you're not cultists and we owe her so, like, man, we got you bro.
  Artie: Oh bro that's so cool!
  Jylliana: This is kinda ruining the majesty of the illusion, isn't it.
  Aelfgifu: These are Artie's people!
  • Zephyrus offers Artie grass, and he offers Zephyrus seaweed in turn. They talk in circles like this for a bit before headbutting each other as bonding, and Artie gets knocked on his ass.
  • Zephyrus tells the party that they can't help them at the Well itself because the cultists have been messing with time and space there, adding "that's just how the cookie crumbles". Then he realizes he doesn't know what a cookie is. When Wyn describes it as "a sweet circle that tastes good", he thinks it must be just like grass.
  • Zephyrus suggests the group pretend to be cultists to sneak in, and the party briefly realize that they could've avoided a lot of hastle if they'd ever tried that before considering how many cultists they've been dealing with.
  • Artie and Zephyrus try to fist-bump, but Zephyrus smacks his hand with his wing instead and injures Artie further.

Episode 110 - Have You Heard The Good Wyrm?

• Aelfgifu attempts to Mercy Kill a deer stuck in a dark slumber near an ominous black obelisk, but misses and hits the obelisk instead. She comments this is probably for the best because she was very tempted to shoot the obelisk on purpose anyway.
  • After Artie and Aelfgifu are knocked out by the sound of the obelisk ringing, Jyll asks Artie some questions to make sure there's nothing else wrong with him.
  Jyll: Where are you from?
  Artie: My house.
• Artie is surprised to learn that humans only have one eyelid in comparison to Triton's three. Jyll points out that technically they also have a nictating membrane that remains of a vestigial second eyelid. Aelfgifu is disappointed that she can't get a second eyelid back - or a tail.
• Aelfgifu offers her requisite Sending slot to Artie to message Max, since she already has a direct line to her Suncle (Space-uncle). Wyn points out she could use hers to Send the swan that hates her.
  Aelfgifu: Jyll, have you ever spoken Swan?
  Jyll: I don't think so...
  Aelfgifu: I'll teach you. "Honk honk honk -"
  • She does Send to Wyn's father to let him know how things are going.
  Wyn's father: Eeyup, good to hear from you! Love you.
  Jyll:...yep, that's a dad.
  Wyn: That's a dad alright!
  Aelfgifu: Checked in, still dad.
  Jyll: Survey says: dad.
• After Jyll gets snapped at by Max in, both she and Artie are distraught from their former friend being so mean. After getting a pep-talk from Wyn and Aelfgifu, Artie runs to a resting Jyll and lays down on top of her in apology. Wyn joins them.
  Wyn: It's a snuggle-pile Jyll! Accept it!
  Anna:Jyll you automatically fail your strength saving throw, you are in a snuggle-pile now.
  • Later, Wyn swaps out for Aelfgifu and Jyll is shocked by the combined power of Nap Squad. Wyn says they're professional snugglers.
• Aelfgifu declares the obelisk "The Obelisk of Enforced Napping".
• Before the battle, Aelfgifu tells the party to put all their valuables in her new cloak - then jokes that she's gonna run away with it to impress her space uncles. Jyll sarcastically wonders what she'll do without her 3000 Electrum.
• "How do you do, fellow cultists?"
  • When the party enters the cult encampment, they end up sitting next to a fire with a bunch of skeletons (because it was the only spot still open when they arrived). It prompts Wyn to recall when her little sister Floral enchanted a skeleton to dance around and sing "Hot! Hot! Hot!" during the harvest festival.
  • Night falls, and one of the cultists has to request Jyll remove her helmet because she's casting dim light all around her. Everyone had forgotten that she had the Space Fun Helmet on! Anna also toggles the light it casts on and off on the map, and Annie laughs at the different in weewoo surrounding her.

Episode 111 - The Well of Infinity

• When asked to make an intelligence check, everyone gets low except for Artie - who gets a nineteen! And then Anna mentions Artie being smarter than Jyll technically. Annie doesn't know what to do with that information.
  • Aelfgifu suggests the Well of Infinity might not be a poison but something to do with a person's brain, and Artie is unaffected because he's "established brain dominance".
• Jyll tries talking after drinking from the well and is told she feels the air moving around her teeth as she does so. Annie freaks out and mentions how sometimes she thinks too hard about blinking and can't do it any more, and Maq recalls a time she took a five-hour energy during a road trip and yelled "Annie I can't feel my teeth!" in the middle of reciting the Poke-rap.
  • As the effects of the Well hit everyone, Anna describes the knowledge the fleetingly know as they recognize their infetisimal purpose within existence.
  Anna: You see your own birth -
  Jyll: Agh!
  Anna: - and your own death.
  Jyll: Eh, okay.
  • As Anna goes on and on, Annie grimly notes "Oh, we made an Everything Bagel".
  • Aelfgifu glimpses the Duke of Stardust and the Quicksilver Knight, and Wyn tries asking her how hot they are.
  • They even see into other worlds, including glimpse of some strangers sitting in front of computers and talking into microphones.
  • After all of that, Jyll declares "I don't think I'm a fan".
• After Anna describes the feeling of utter nihilism that the party begins feeling as these moments of infinite comprehension wash over them, describing that nothing matters and everything will only be united in the destruction of the universe, the ending music begins playing...and then there's a record scratch.
  Artie: That's so stupid!
• Wyn gets shaken out of the feeling by mentioning one of the women watching the screens had a tuxedo cat who kept trying to knock over her microphone - right after Maq explained that her cat Hubert is doing the same thing.
• The players then find out the results of a wisdom saving throw they made earlier, and find out they were actually madness tables. Aelfgifu and Artie both got hallucinations, but Artie was only hit with three minutes while Aelfgifu got ninety hours.
  Aelfgifu: Nap Squad Shared Hallucination Hours!
  • Anna points out that thanks to the Well, they know they're hallucinations and they're just annoying.

Episode 112 - Winnifred The Public Domain Bear

• The title comes from Aelfgifu's name for the bear she pulls from her Bag of Tricks.
• Jylliana hits the nearest cultist with a first level guiding bolt. They explode.
  Artie: That was strong.
  Jyll: No! It wasn't!
  Artie: That guy blew up, I'm pretty sure that was strong!
  Jyll: That was just a weak-ass cultist. I'm pretty sure they don't have class levels. I don't really like popping people like gore balloons.
• Anna describes the oracle lowering her hood, revealing the face of a minotaur - or it would be, except her horns are carved down to nubs and her actual face is a swirl of void. Everyone makes noises of distress.
  Maq: I was about to ask how hot she was but I'm good now.
• The party is immune to the oracle's Reverse Gravity spell because they drank from the well, but Winnifred the Public Domain Bear did not.
  Annie: Oh no, she's just a lovely black rain cloud!
  Anna: She's flung a hundred feet high in the air...
  Rio: You just hear a little *ping*!
  Anna: Or rather it's more like she hovers at the top of this gravity thing, and then the gravity thing turns off. Pretty much as soon as you finish falling upwards you fall back down again, so...
  Annie: Yeah she goes ping.
  Anna: She goes ping, she doesn't come back down again. We don't need to think about that.
  Alexi: You countered my bear puzzle!

Episode 113 - Take a Chance on Fiend

• Jyll ended the last episode by annihilating ten zombies with a single Turn undead.
  Rio: You solved my zombie puzzle!
  Annie: Okay, okay we gotta call a moratorium on the "you solved my blank puzzle" jokes for a while.
• The Oracle walks dramatically towards the party, and is too focused on doing that to realize there's a bear trap in the way until she steps in it.
• While trying to think up a name for Jyll's Fiendish spirit, Maq suggests "Abbadog" as a play on "Abbadon". Alexi hears "Music/{{ABBA))-dog".
  Rio: Take a chance on fiends!
• Artie had been blinked away by the Oracle earlier in the fight, but he blinks back just in time to see Aelfgifu unlock her Starheart powers and destroy the Oracle.
  Artie: Holy shit?!
  * Maq wonders what this means for Nap Squad, and Alexi says it means they have a nightlight now.
• Jyll tries to dismiss Abbadog, who starts backing up. She's concerned if it gets dismissed by blowing up.
  Jyll: You have to tell me Yes or No if you're gonna blow up, I know you can understand me!
  Anna: It can't talk.
  Jyll:It can shake it's head!
  • But it doesn't explode, it just shrinks to teacup-size!

Episode 114 - A Disco Ball Heart

• While trying to figure out what Aelfgifu can do now, Annie and Maq make a bunch of Kingdom Hearts references. Alexi counters that they're a Metal Gear gay, not a Kingdom Hearts gay.
• To keep Aelfgifu's heart from being noticed by opponents, Artie suggests throwing a blanket over her and calling her a sexy lamp.
• The Unicorn tries to explane the positive and negative energy planes to the Party, but the translation causes them to be named "Bad Vibes" and "Good Times".
  Aelfgifu: I got a chest that takes you to Good Times!
  Artie: Aelfgifu, your chest is always giving me a good time!
  Jyll: Eugh. She's like your sister.
  Aelfgifu:...he's a fish.
  Artie: I'm a fish!
  Aelfgifu: We're not related!
• Aelfgifu decides to get back to the ship via Big Bird Shortcut (using the metal feather pin she received earlier). She summons a giant, metallic roc and names him Balboa.
  • Anna decides Aelfgifu can understand Balboa, and he says "I wuv you, tiny flesh thing." He also agrees to eat the racist swan from episodes earlier.
• Aelfgifu is excited to see Jyll try to explain her new flaming dog in the phlogiston.
• Artie mentions he's heard of bird down before, and he doesn't know why they have "down" and not "up".
  Anna: It took me years to realize that the Final Fantasy item "Phoenix Down" was like, the down of a phoenix.
  Alexi: Yeah. You know when I realized that?
  Anna: Was it just now?
  Alexi: Right now when you said it to me.

Episode 115 - The Weewoo Was Inside Me The Whole Time

• Aelfgifu describes having a dream about them all sharing Lachlan's pipe. Then quickly has to explain that she means his smoking pipe, not something else.
  Jylliana: I feel great about this conversation.
• The episode title comes from Anna saying Aelfgifu's new light powers making her her own, personal Space Fun Helmet.
• Mr. Herst announces the crew is getting a bathhouse trip. Jyll subtly sniffs herself and agrees that's a good idea.
• Lachlan and Jyll get so flustered while in the same bath that eventually Lachlan declares he needs to leave. Because they were at eye level before, "it" is right in her face for a second before Jyll dives underwater. After a moment, she surfaces...and so does Artie.
  Artie: Don't worry, it all depends on the artist.
• Finn refers to Lachlan as Jyll's boyfriend and she freaks out, so Wyn has to remind him that she's in denial about them being together.

Takin' it Aesheim (episodes 116-present)

Episode 116 - Elf Gift

• Lachlan has been so antsy what with the team being gone and the crew having a lot of extra money that he just bought everyone gifts.
  • He gifts a large bushel of jerky to Aeflgifu and Breadstix. Aelfgifu doesn't want Breadstix to gorge herslef on them, so she puts the rest in her cloak, "joining the rest of the constellation of jerky which is the biggest constellation in the night sky which is my father".
  • He got Artie a bottle of high-quality olive oil, which can be used for "hair, body...personal". Artie immiedately takes it and scurries off to meet with the blacksmith and huntress he seduced days earlier.
  • His gift for Veli was blood and bones from the butcher, which is great for their soil but really stinks.
  • His gift for Jylliana, flameless insense tablets so she can pray at her shrines without worrying about flames in the phlogiston, is actually very sweet - but him mentioning he had to buy it off of gnomes gets a chuckle.
• After the gifts, Captain Bondar announces it's time for "the talk", and everyone assumes they're being fired and left behind.
• When Jyll suggests it might be time to go help Max on Vodon, Captain Bondar rolls her eyes "into infinity". Anna sas that since they've seen what that looks like, they're not exaggerating.
• Veli casually announces that they might have to return to the Astral Plane soon. Everyone is shocked that that's a thing they need to do, but they respond that they never asked.
• When Artie returns the next day, Jyll tells him that everyone's getting raises.
  Artie: I already got my raise!
  Jyll: Walked right into that one, didn't I?
• Jyll asks Koralia what it means if Baphomet takes an interest in her, hypothetically.
  Koralia: It means you need to be very, very careful.
  Jyll: Hypothetically speaking.
  Koralia: Hypothetically speaking.
  Jyll: Right. Right. Yes. Right. What if he gives you, uh, a magic item? That makes a dog? Hypothetically?
  Koralia: That is so out of my wheelhouse. I...please be careful? Don't die?
  Jyll: Yeah. Hypothetically. Yeah. Cool cool cool. Thanks! Good luck with the town.
  Koralia: Goodness me. Will you be okay?
  Jyll: Nope. Bye!
• Aelfgifu describes the past episodes' events to Kieran and Seerka as "my chest exploded, in a good way" and "I'm a starheart. Tada?"
  • She also tries to make the premise of "doing drugs at my dads' house" seem like a reasonable thing to pursue. Kieran has to admit it doesn't sound that strange in the grand scheme of things.
  • Annie declares that Kieran is now upgraded from "Suncle" to "Sand Dad", aka "Sad". Other suggestions are "Sather" (which might work) or "Saddy" (definitely not).
  • Brimothy arrives with the book he said he'd get for Aelfgifu, and there's a brief debate over whether his last name is "Pepis" or "Peeps" before Annie says it's whatever their hearts desire.
• Lachlan goes around making plans for people to cover his and Jyll's shifts the following day. The negotiating includes Artie's shock that they even have chores, and Aelfifgu assuring him that Jyll will absolutely freak out at whatever he's planning, but it's a sign of love and she'll push through.
• Sure enough, Jyll's panicking makes her declare they need to have a talk. Lachlan assumes she wants to break up with him - and Jyll goes Laughing Mad, becuase she wanted to ask if they could start dating.
  • When Lachlan explains that his own uncertainty comes from a history of people just wanting a fling with him, he says that they "cum and go". What proceeds is a hurricane of puns ("nut and bolt", "breed and proceed", "get down and skip town") while Artie eggs Lachlan on from above deck and Jyll looks at him aghast.
  Jyll: How many of these do you have?!
  Lachlan: You don't want to know.
  • Jyll being explicit with her feelings leads to her stumbling over her words, asking Lachlan to be "professional" and "persistent" before finding the word "permanent".
• Aelfgifu finds a strange plant growing out of Greyson's grave. Asking Lachlan if he's ever seen it, the best he can say is that it's the kind of plant that someone might smoke the seedpods of.
  Aelfgifu: Why not? I'm gonna smoke the weird plant growing out of my dead dad's grave.
  Jyll: Because an anthropomorphic personification of space told you to. Yeah this sounds great...but also, yeah, that's pretty much why we're here.
  Lachlan: This day keeps getting weirder and weirder.
• Earlier Jyll had warned Lachlan about going barefoot during the winter, so when he complains about the cold outside Greyson's cabin she starts razzing him.
• After everyone smokes the space weed, they all narrate visions they have of Aeflgifu's past and Greyson's time with her.
  • The first one is when Nevaris drops Aelfgifu off with Greyson, where he describes her as "feisty". The others use that feistiness to explain how young Greyson looks in these flashbacks, comparing it to when Obi-Wan went from Ewan McGregor to Alex Guinness in seventeen years.
  • When it gets to Artie's turn, he describes seeing a young Aelfgifu attracting birds by balancing berries on her limbs - and he can't help but turn aside and ask what birds are.
  • After the angst of everything that occurred, Lachlan turns to Aelfgifu.
  Lachlan: Hey, that was fucked. Do you want some real drugs?
  Aelfgifu: Yes. This feels like a funeral, let's make it a wake!
• Aelfgifu's departure is bittersweet, but of course even when she's talking about how she needs to take things more seriously she gets in some goofs.
  Aelfgifu: I'm gonna become the biggest badass you've ever seen...and I am going to come back...and we're gonna blow up a big worm with the power of a disco-ball sun heart! Or something. I don't know the specifics.
  Jyll: Friendship. The power of friendship, probably.
  Aelfgifu: Yeah, but more importantly, the power of blasting things with incredibly powerful magic! And friendship.
  Artie: That is my favourite problem-solving method.
  • Artie declares himself the true victim because Nap Squad is losing it's cosiest member.
  • Aelfgifu doesn't want Jyll to forget about Breadstix...so she tells Lachlan to give her a little bite every once in a while.

Episode 117 - Takin' it Aesheim

• Artie does a 180 on his feelings about Aelfgifu leaving when he finds out she ate all the chocolates out of the trail mix.
• Lachlan is so insistent on not wearing shoes that he cast Barkskin just over his feet. When Jylliana finds out he's never really experienced now she gets giddy.
  Jyll: Oh, I need to see you deal with snow.
  Lachlan: Aww, but I'll have to wear shoes!
  Jyll: I mean, are you willing to make that sacrifice?
  Lachlan: Mmm...
  Artie, Jyll, and Win: Sacrifice! Sacrifice! Sacrifice!
  Lachlan: Fine. Fine! Fine. I'll wear shoes.
  Artie: Yay! Why are we sacrificing Lachlan to shoes?
• Anna gives Mr. Hurst a high-pitched english accent, prompting the other to giggle over him sounding like a little lad and wondering if he ever called his father "papa".
• Lachlan calls the temple "charming" and Jyll gets a little huffy, thinking he's trying to talk around being unimpressed. In the background, Rio declares "it's quaint!"
• Some of the acolytes are impressed when they see Jyll and invite her to spare with them. Jyll tries to figure out their class level, and Anna says their Challenge Rating is probably 1/4. Jyll grimaces a decides she shouldn't, as she might seriously hurt them.
  • She instead helps them with their technique, but in demonstrating a simple hit she makes the wooden practice dummy explode in a shower of lightning. The acolytes look at the scene with a mix of awe and "oh, that's what she meant."
  • Jyll asks what the most complex magic any of the acolytes can do. One of them proudly declares they can cast guiding bolt, prompting Maq to laugh out loud in the background.

Episode 118 - The Family Business

• The party recaps that in this setting they've invented therapy, hot yoga, futons, and roller skates - but not the printing press.
• Wyn's little sister Filauriel is described as hating anything that has color unless it's blood red.
• Killian meets Artie for the first time and immediately starts crushing on him.
• Her mother Megwen flies between delighted that Wyn and Artie are visiting and disappointed that they're only there for the day, without nary a change in tone.
  • She also calls her "Wynnie-pants", which Artie quickly latches on to and declares he'll tell to the entire ship.
  • Megwen then starts rattling about an old family friend that Wyn hadn't seen for two and a half centuries and barely remembered had passed away. Maq chimes in to say that her own mother did the exact same thing the day prior.
  • She pinned one of Wyn's letters to the fridge. Wyn's surpised that it's the one she wrote after the terrible party on Bioncarda.
• When Rori returns from College, Wyn comments on how buff he's gotten. When he says he's just been chopping wood, she suggests he do it in front of the magic mirrors so he can make money off of it.
  • He also smells like elf weed, and when Wyn offers to prestidigitate it away before their mom smells it, Rori tells her that their mom's the one who gave it to him in the first place.
  Megwen: I had to give him a good strain, his was terrible!
  Wyn: Was it all buds again?
  Megwen: Always! He's a terrible gardener. Your father has tried to teach him so much and he just keeps on chopping wood instead of taking lessons.
  • The continue to roast him for being an accountant and liking numbers more than gardening and not smoking better weed.
• Eventually the eldest daughter Merethyl arrives and immediately starts trying to sell her juice-cleanse-scheme to people. Her brother Sevalor tells her to stop, because mom said the only MLM allowed in the house is Killian.
• Eldest child Bridge arrives with their spouse and all her kids, who are in their 30s (equivalent to a mortal's 4 or 5). The kids are fascinated by Artie and start asking about whether he has lungs or gills. He genuinely doesn't know. Another kid ask if he's poisonous, and Artie says he's "certainly left some people wrecked".
• Xilwyn tries to tell her family that she's Cacophony, but she blurts it out so fast nobody understands. She asks Artie for help and Artie, confused, thinks she's trying to tell her family about her new girlfriend, which makes everyone extremely excited.
  • Everyone thinks she's kidding about the Cacophony part, so she leaves to get changed and tells Artie to distract the family. Artie ends up wrangling the kids again and freaks out that they're so sticky. We also get to hear Annie doing a perfect imitation of a 5 year old asking questions and then giggling when they get mixed up between "Eladrin" and "alligator".
  • When Cacophony emerges, the whole family is shocked and Killian straight up faints.
  • Her parents happily announce that they've known all along and are so proud of her for telling them. In fact, they were anti-monarchist revolutionaries in their 160s and deposed the king centuries earlier!
  • Once the floodgates are open, Wyn ends up gushing about Thazita and drops that she's a seeker, she's from space, they've been adventuring in space, and there's an evil space cult trying to destroy everything. Megwyn blinks a little bit but just rolls with it.
    • When she lets slip that Aelfgifu is a starheart, she tells her mom not to tell anyone. Internally she grimaces that the entire bridge club will pobably know by tomorrow. Fortunately, Filauriel promises to spread misinformation on her behalf.
  • Wyn tries to defuse the situation by asking Artie to share. Artie shares his tattoo, which involves him hiking his pants halfway down. Merethil and Bridge cover the kids' eyes while Killian, who'd gone to hide in his room, emerges to get a better look.
  Artie: I got it from a minotaur -
  Wyn: He then made love to the minotaur.
  Artie: Absolutely nothing about that was loving.
• As soon as Wyn tells her they'll spend the night, Megwen declares they can go through all the old photo albums and mementos and yearbooks.
  • Killian tells Artie he can spend the night in his room. Artie grimaces and considers walking into the woods.

Episode 119 - Temperance

• Jyll very unsure about how to broach the subject of her speaking with Baphomet and getting boons from him with Mother Sylvia, so she starts "I have a dog now...I think it's a dog...it's shaped like a dog."
  • Sylvia urges Jyll to be vigilant in case the infernal hound tries to tempt her with anything, and while Jyll acknowledges this she's skeptical that it's capapble of doing much more than taking a fiery piss in the corner. And then has to snap at it when it tries to do exactly that.

Smutty Book Club

Episode 1 - Fruit and Veg

• The set up:
  Annie: Please bare with us as we figure out how to read pornography for you as our Dungeons and Dragons characters.
  • Rio made a huge tactical error as a smut peddler themselves, as Arturos does not read.
• One of the main characters in the book, How to Howl at the Moon by Eli Easton, is named Tim. Everyone feels that's too much of a normal name for a werewolf.
  Annie: I'm not Tim Tim Timmy Tim Timmy Tim Tim, he's Tim Tim Timmy Tim Timmy Tim Tim!
• A realization:
  Kit: It just occurred to me that we're making Jake listen to this.
  Everyone: Hi Jake!
  Kit: Jake if you want a raise, let me know.
  Rio: This is a raise in itself, isn't it?
  Annie: Boo!
  Rio: I didn't mean it that way!
• When the book specifies that Lance is using both hands to hold onto Tim:
  Jyll: What was he gonna do with one hand if he wasn't gonna use both hands?
  Wyn: Hold it in the air and ride him like a cowboy!
• Aelfgifu suggests "fruit and veg" as a replacement for "cock and testicles". Veli has mixed feelings about this.
• Artie says it's a common experience to walk in on one's parents banging. Aelfgifu gets sad because she's an orphan.
  Artie: Well, consider yourself lucky!
  Kit: "Sorry your parents are probabky dead, but at least you didn't walk in on them banging."
  Aelfgifu: What I would give to have been able to walk in on my parents banging. Oh! What a tragic life!
  • Jylliana realizes she caught her parents "wrestling" nine months before her younger siblings were born.
• Jyll trying to make sense of (re: improvise) the character arcs of the rest of the book and wonders if Lance has a den atop the mountain.
  Aelfgifu: They were going on that adventure.
  Jyll: No you're right, they had to go replace the..staff...in the tomb of...
  Artie: Anus?
  Jyll: The Tomb of Anus. Oh, that makes sense in hindsight!
• Artie says the book reminds him of all the werewolves he's fucked atop mountains. Rio rolls a die when asked how many that was.
• Wyn asks if one of Artie's trysts was actually a werewolf just warming him up while a vampire looked at him angrily. Artie counters that the vampire was involved and had suggested it to begin with.
• In the stinger, the location Kit was about to suggest for the quest's destination was "the Dick Sucking Factory".

Episode 2 - I Have Amnesia

• The book, read conveniently on the way to Jyll's orc date, is the cleric/orc romance Tusks of a Scoundrel Book 3: The Lost Scoundrel.
  • The characters Jax and Lana are thinly-veiled parodies of Lachlan and Jyll.
  Aelfgifu: Jyll, this is uncanny!
• Aelfgifu also doesn't relate to the amnesia plot.
  Aelfgifu: Memory loss is not as sexy as they're making it out to be. It's very confusing! You don't know what happened, people remember you and you don't remember them and you try and play it off and then one day it turns out you can't play it off and you have to explain you were lying - it's not sexy!
  • Cacophony tells her that if anyone ever says they told you they love her and she forgot she can just call for her or Jyll and they'll make them stop.
• When the others say the couple is moving to fast and not properly lubed, Cacophony says they should assume Lana is filled with mysterious oil. Then Kit points out the Alchemy Jug, which can make any amount of any fluid.
• Jyll hopes the next book club won't be the next book in the series. Veli says the next book is actually the werewolf book, making Jyll cry out in frustration.

Episode 3 - F#$% A Wizard

• Aelfgifu says that Breadsticks can understand book club and will have opinions on sex.
• The book, The Lightning-Struck Heart by TJ Klune, is said to include Gary the Fabulous, Hornless Gay Unicorn, who doesn't appear in this excerpt but needed to be mentioned.
• Annie gets squicked out by the Grease spell from previous editions of D&D. Specifically that it was called "grease".
• Wyn's gruff guy voice puts the others in stitches.
• Return of the Mysterious Vial of Oil. And some odd grammar implies that time itself is getting lubed up and slowing down.
  Annie: Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future.
• Ryan's anus is described as "a vortex sucking me in", which makes everyone concerned since a vortex implies the dick isn't coming back out.
• Wyn misspeaks and says "leg" instead of "length", causing a momentary panic.
• Aelfgifu asks Veli how sex works for plants. Veli points out that's a very personal question, but Wyn says she's just thinking about her first kiss. Jyll tries to stop this train of thought while Aelfgifu rambles on, eventually saying that as far as she knows she could've been having sex with the corpse flower.
  Jyll: Can book club be over now?!

Episode 4 - Special Delivery

• Kit: "Welcome, everyone, to a very special book club."
  • Maq is absent, so the smutty book (Tell Me It's Real by TJ Klune) will be read by a guest. Things start in-universe when they open a box that was delivered to them and getting ambushed with a recording in a Sending Stone from Grack.
  Jyll: Can we close the book?
  Grack: You can't close this box anymore!
• Grack's narration continues even as Jylliana calls Veli for help and Aelfgifu tells Breadsticks to cover their ears.
  • Jyll slams the lid down so they can discuss how one would get their partner's jeans off by kicking them. Rio plays along by muffling their voice but continuing to talk.
  • Jyll pulls the lid off in time for the words "Pressing his cock to my balls", making Alexi shriek and apologize to Jake for peaking their mic.
• "Isn't 'I'm going' the opposite of 'I'm coming'?"
• Grack: "Thank you for listening to this message. I hope you found it as great as I did. This box will now explode."

- Grak makes an explosion noise with his mouth, and then it actually explodes.

Episode 5 - Body Mate, for the Discerning Gentleman

• It's a sequel to the first book (How to Walk Like a Man by Eli Easton"), and they have important new information: Tim was not a wolf, he was a Border Collie shifter.
  Annie: So that's a new facet of this world state!
• Jyll had to explain to those absent last time that when they got "drive-by sex-bombed by a penguin", that's literally what happened.
  • Wyn is so disappointed in missing the events of the previous book club that she slips into Russian. This causes Rio to have a giggle fit, and Kit asks if they need to go to the Giggle-Pen.
• Kit tries to get out of things by saying Veli is busy repairing the ship, but Jyll demands they move book club to the cargo hold so they can be included no matter what.
  • Also, Aelfgifu asks if Veli is strong.
  Kit: Veli has, dare I say, a willowy build.
• The book describes lube as "stuff from a tube". Also:
  Cacophony: "Roman sat up and fumbled with the condom, having a hard time opening the package."
  Jyll: Well, he's already got the package. He's just having a hard time with the condom.
  Cacophony: I appreciate that, Jyll.
  Jyll: Look, I have to do something here.
  • The condom is described as a "rubbery disc", and they joke about whether you could play frisbee with it.
  • While discussing what condoms are made of, Veli says there's a Sphere where they use a species of slime that's still alive, so technically safe sex there is kind of a threesome.
  Veli: It's kind of a "country girls make do" situation.
• There's some confusion about anatomy, and they turn to Artie for clarification.
  Artie: It's face down, ass up...
  Veli: Finish it!
  Artie: That's the way the wolf fucks.
• Everyone is thrown by the description of semen smelling like tangerines. Even Artie is confused, though he has fucked in a tangerine field.

Episode 6(9) - Too Much Sauce on the Consonants

• The purpose of this episode is to up the horny content since the official episode 69 wasn't horny enough.
• Rio gets called out for doing ASMR into the mic, which editor Jake hates.
  Annie: Listen! I've always said, you can't spell ASMR without Aasimar. *beat* Wait. Strike that, reverse it, don't worry about it.
  Kit: That's -
  Annie: Look, words go in order in some way, and I have a degree that says that.
  Kit: Yes. Annie has a degree in the words be good.
  Annie: In make word good go!
• Alexi drops all her snacks and plays it off as Aelfgifu being excited.
  Aelfgifu: Did you say three books?!
• Kill Game: Seven of Spades by Cordelia Kingsbridge is a book that Kit's actually read!
  • Kit then realizes at some point one of their own books might get submitted. Rio offers to make that happen and Kit quickly shuts it down.
• Cacophony accidentally says "Fucking Magnifikent", and she and Jyll say it sounds like the name of a powerful gay wizard.
• Jyll gets caught up in an "electric shock" metaphor, and Veli suggests Jyll could make use of that in a more literal sense. As long as her partner doesn't have metal piercings.
  • When they bring it up again after the excerpt, Jyll's babbling goes so high-pitched that she passes into a range humanoid ears can't hear.
• Cacophony wants Jyll to read the next one (Taken by the Orc Warrior by Tanya Anders), and Artie pressures her into it by saying if she doesn't he'll keep talking about her electrical stingies.
  Jyll: You people keep quiet about this, okay?
  'Everyone else: "No" "Nah" "That's not gonna happen."
• The book club isn't familiar with "Satan", but assume he's related to Space Paladin Christ.
• Aelfgifu and Veli are a little uncomfy on how much sauce Jylliana puts on the consonants in "Pink Soaked Slit".
• Veli's pleased to hear the book explicitly state that the woman's vagina produces natural lubricant. Cacophony misses the mysterious vial of oil. Jyll stresses that the man's dick is the size of a human arm.
  Artie: You could take it.
  Cacophony: Size queen.
  Veli: You've had practice.
• Jyll is very doubtful that the main character is a nun and having vaginal sex for the first time ever with such gusto. Veli wonders if she could even say the word "fuck" without being struck by lightning - then asks if Jyll can do the same thing.
  Cacophony: She'd probably embrace it.
  Jyll: You've heard me say "fuck" all the time.
  Artie: That's true. Can you even do the fuck without getting struck by lightning?
• One passage has the main character telling her partner to "unleash the beast".
  Kit: Beast Wars!
  Annie: Now say it in Canadian.
  Kit:' Beasties!
• Jyll claims she's never read the book before, but Cacophony is pretty sure she saw it in her room the other night.
  Jyll: That was a...bible! Don't ever speak to me or my room again!
• "My pussy, my clit, my nipple, my mouth - they were all being stimulated at the same time."
  Artie: How? That's a lot of coordination.
  Jyll: "A flood of bliss radiated out from my pussy across my entire body."
  Artie: Radiant damage?
  Veli: Is that like patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time?
  Jyll: Probably, right?
  Artie: I can do that! I'm doing it right now!
• Jyll's continued insistence that she's never read the book before gets to the point that she throws the book into the hallway and claims she hasn't been present for the past five minutes.
• The last book has hardly any interruptions because it's actually a really good sex scene (from Fingersmith by Sarah Waters), and the reading ends with Artie saying Illbe In My Bunk while Jyll and Aelfgifu scramble to grab Cacophony's copy as she sets it down.
• In the stinger, Rio bemoans the fact that Artie won't read, and Kit replies that Rio will have to pursue a plot where he learns the joys of reading.

Episode 7 - The "Knife to the Throat" of Sex

• Cursed: Broken by X. Aratare.
  Kit: "Colon broken"? Oh god!
• Artie whines that it's cold, but Veli says that all space is room temperature. Before a debate on this can arise, Cacophony tells everyone to focus because it's time to talk about penises.
• A debate on whether a dick can be accurately compared to a straw leads to Jyll craving a milkshake.
• The narration switches from third to first person, but that makes the thought of the character sound like he took the dick out of his mouth, turn to the audience, and say "what do you think folks? Should I give it to him?"
• The tendency of the term "young man" in the narration prompts Veli to wax "Young man, there's no need to feel down. I said young man, don't have sex on the ground".
• Trying to figure out what the X in the author's name stands for leads to Jyll wondering what XXX stands for.
  Aelfgifu: What does a [[4X four X]] look like?
  Jyll: A Euro-game typically.
• In the Stinger Annie apologizes for any kinks that might crop up in the audio, so obviously Rio replies that they're always happy to work out kinks.

Episode 8 - I Like the Lovey Ones

• The smut takes place in Borovia, and Annie is immediately distracted trying to work out how it fits into Ravenloft canon.
• Jyll says that the real pornographic part of the story is a ship big enough for everyone to have their own room.
• "As they get to the bed he stops to help her out of her chainmail."
  Veli: Ten minutes later.
  • Aelfgifu is turned on when the woman says her new mythril mail helps her hunt better.
• The club is torn on the "coming home" metaphor for the man's dick entering the woman's vagina. Alexi says "home is where the dick goes", and Annie wants that on a shirt. Rio offers, though they can't embroid.

Episode 9 - I Think That's Blood

• This week's book (How to Wish Upon a Star by Eli Easton) fell on Cacophony's face when Aelfgifu blipped while reading it in the bunk above hers. It's another shifter book set in the same setting as the previous ones! Everyone is still really shaken up by the fact that the first book was about a Broder Collie shifter, not a wolf.
  Veli: Like trying to lick peanut butter out of a toy.
  Jyll: Argh!
  • This one is about two dog shifters.
  Cacophony: One is Milo, who turns into a labra-doodle, and the other is Jason and he turns into a malamute.
  'Jyll: Wha - huh - hmm - uh - oh -mmm - big. Big. Big dog. Big dog. Hmm.
• They wonder if shifters can't turn into a breed of dog until the American Kennel Club recognizes it, or if shifters need to develop new breeds to be recognized by the AKC.
  Annie: Alright, you are now allowed to turn into a Staffordshire Pitbull Terrier!
• The purple prose describes Milo gaining another dimension, which the club figures is either the dog dimension or time, and he potentially exists simultaneously at all points in time.
• Kit confirms that the Alchemy Jug can create acid, basic poison, beer, honey, mayonnaise, oil , vinegar, freshwater, saltwater, wine, and now vaseline.
• "His shaft was searing against Jason's lips."
  Jyll: Ow.
  Veli: Ouchies, bro.
  Jyll: Big ouchies bro.
• The submission came with a summary of the greater premise of the book, and the club loses their minds over the fact that in this world the shifters start as dogs and gain the ability to become humans, and there's also a virus going around trapping them in dog form.
  • This leads to the reveal that Lance from the first book adopted a daughter but also got the virus, and is now stuck as a Border Collie, and then a discussion on how the potential Hallmark movie My Dad the Border Collie would play out.
  • Artie and Cacophony say the book was probably written by a fae...or a mangaka. After trying to keep the kayfabe around when explaining the latter to Jyll, Kit has to put their foot down and state that anime is not real in this setting. Annie insists that it is, and all the legends start with "you know Goku?"

Episode 10 - First in Line for the Throne of Wolfington

• The subject of this week's book club appeared from Aelfgifu's bunk, written by some sort of fae named...Maq Weaver.
  Rio: Is this self-fanfiction?
  • In reality, Maq lets people commission her through Kofi to write really bad smut, and Annie did so in order to get terrible smut written about knock-off Jyll, Lachlan, and Max.
• Aelfgifu starts the film standing near the exit because she's a little conerned.
• "His Imperial Tyrannical Alpha-Majesty, first in line for the Throne of Wolfington, Jaxon Aurelius Forsythia Megawolf Moon, or more colloquially known to his friends as Jax."
  • A metaphor about the beast within and without makes Rio think the story is selfcest.
  • Jyll then asks Rio if this is about what he was telling her before about how there were two wolves inside of him and they were both named Toby.
• Then Cacophony reads the next lines in a thick Slavic accent, in which his step-mother tells Jax he will not be crowned monarch until he covers both spouses in his scent. "We will know, Jaxon. We are wolves, after all, and wolves have very good noses."
  • Said spouses are named "Gylliana" and "Jachlan".
• Naturally, as soon as Jylliana catches the similarities to her own life, she begins to shrink into the corner. Veli and Artie are captivated.
• Thanks to a throwaway line on the parchment, the club discover they know about the World Eater cult in the feywild. And admit it's weird that this is how they learned about it.
• Jyll wants to burn the story, but Cacophony already made copies of it. Aelfgifu wants to drop it off at a library.
  • She also asks if Aelfgifu is having her own smutty book club in the feywild, and then the fey write stories inspired by it and send it back with her.
• The episode ends with Artie finally figuring out that Jachlan is inspired by Lachlan.

Episode 11 - Non-Euclidian Sex

• The Dickens with Love by John Lanyon
  'Artie: Yeah I've had several dickins with love.
  • The book was recommended as good for Christmas, but the club isn't familiar with that (assuming it's related to Space Paladin Christ). Artie says he celebrates "Joemas", but doesn't elaborate.
  • Aelfgifu says she didn't hear about any of these holidays until she started travelling with the party, and Jyll wonders if Grayson was just against holidays.
  • Artie says people who don't believe in holidays are "Joe-hovahs".
  Annie: Aesheim has Jehovah's Witnesses now. Printing Press? No. Hot yoga and Jehovah's Witnesses? Absolutely. I love our planet. The DM is not here folks, all of this is now canonical.
• Due to their unfamiliarity with Christmas and sexual nature of all their books, the club assume a comment about an angel tree-topper is literally about an angel topping a tree.
• Aelfgifu says the name "Sedgewick" makes her think of a candle in a bush.
• Some choice grammar makes the club wonder if one of the participants in a 69 is a Cephalothorax or have their head detached.
  • Alexi wants to make a comment about a cephalophore, but knows Aelfgifu wouldn't know that word.
  • Truly, the amount of grammar strangeness and metaphors present in the sex scene causes a lot of logistical confusion for the club.
• Jyll comments that she's getting personally offended by how often angels are used as metaphors. Artie asks if that's how she got her wings - she got dicked down real good.

Episode 12 - I Was Promised a Dragon

• Another story from "the fey Maq Weaver" has appeared.
  Annie: I would love to learn useful things about my patron other than their sexual preferences.
• The protagonist's name, Sylvanzalea Everglimmer, is criticized as being almost too stereotypical of an elf name.
• "Sylvanzalea, you may fuck the dragon to your heart's content."
  Aelfgifu: I haven't picked a god but if they talked in my head and said "Aelfgifu, you go fuck that dragon", I'd convert for that.
• The whiplash of the club getting excited about the dragon lover having two dicks, to concern that they have spikes on them.
  • On the subject of multiple dicks, Artie says some merfolk who are descended from sharks have two dicks as well. Jyll points out that Artie has shark teeth, which (unintentionally) prompts him to undo his pants and feel around to double check. Just the one.
• Jyll is concerned Lachlan might be flying the ship and therefore be able to overhear everything in book club. Artie asks if she's worried he'll hear about her discussing his wolf dick and what she wants to do with it.
  Artie: Relationships are all about conversation and open communication.
  Aelfgifu: With all of your friends.
  Artie: With all of your friends...and your acquaintances...and that guy who kind of hangs out in that corner that you think is cute.
  Cacophony: What?
  Jyll: Who?
  Artie: Oh, I'm thinking about my own experiences.

Episode 13 - You Forget About The Asteroids

• This episode was released after episode 108 of the main show, but everything's fine and they definitely didn't trigger a hydra encounter.
• Jylliana is stressed about how many books they're getting from Aelfgifu's dads. Veli suggests they could be passing on requests from other Archfey at this point.
• No one knows what an "AO3" is, they'd have to ask Aelfgifu's dad. Artie's down, because then he'd get to meet them (and fuck them).
• The story is about a woman (Nessiana) who's piloting a Spelljammer and, thanks to being able to see everything going on in the ship while they do so, watching one of her crewmates (William) pleasure himself. Upon reading this, Artie is shocked that they really can see everything in real life too. Jyll and Wyn awkwardly state that they need to avert their focus when they're piloting.
  • They can also smell everything while they're piloting it, and Jyll admits she's caught a few whiffs.
• Artie mentions that he once knew a Nessie, who he describes as "a very smart dog, but big". Veli demands to know if that's a compliment for an animal or a really bad burn for a person (it was the latter).
• When Nessiana begins herself to masturbate while in the helm, Veli states that they've been in so many ships that have crashed for this exact same reason. Artie tells them they should stop letting mammals pilot.
  Wyn, reading: The Chakra, tied directly into her mind, jolted like it had been struck by an asteroid.
  Veli: Because it had been struck by an asteroid.
  • Aelfgifu wonders if this story is a cautionary tale meant to prevent this from happening to the crew. Jylliana awkwardly stresses that events like this have never happened on the ship before. Artie and Maq don't believe her.
  Veli: Listen, this is not a rabbit hole we wanna go any further down, and we're gonna end up knowing each other a lot better than we want to.
  Artie: I mean you all know me very well.
  Veli: We know you too well. I wish I knew you less.
• After an awkward silence as everyoen thinks on the implications of Jyll's denial, Veli can't help but circle back to Artie's earlier comment.
  Veli: So here's the thing: if I were talking about like, a person, like a girl, and I said she was as smart as a really smart dog, that might be actually the meanest thing I could ever say about her.
  Artie: Yeah but this was not a person. Well...a reall smart dog is also a person, know?
  Veli: I think you need three lawyers in the room before you can answer that question.
  Aelfgifu: Breadstix is a person.
  Veli: Legally?
  Aelfgifu: What's laws?
  Veli: Does Breadstix have citizenship?
  Aelfgifu: Do I have a citizenship?
  Veli: I don't actually know.
  Aelfgifu: I'm pretty sure I don't. Breadstix is as much a person as I am.
• Jyll asks who's helming at this moment. Veli says it's Lachlan, and Jyll is mortified. Then the ship jerks, and Veli yells at him not to crash the ship again.
  Artie: Wait, hold on, is that what happened?
  Jyll: Again?!
  Anna: You feel him pump the breaks a few times.
  Alexi: Is that all he's pumping?
  • Jyll announces she's gonna kellhaul herself to get out of the situation, while muttering under her breath "how do they know?" This is because they were reading genuine Jemjammer smutfic with the names changed.

Bonus Episodes

Bonus Episode: Dungeon Master Q&A

• Kit presents the Star Trek RPG Core Rule Book.
  Kit: You could kill goats with this. The mailman dropped this on my doorstep and I thought someone had died.
• They explain that while Max was an intentional love interest for Jylliana, Lachlan was an accident—he was supposed to be a background character, but the art drawn for him was too hot.
• "Most of my NPC folder is hot women, I will leave it to you to decide why that is, hint it's because I'm gay."
• Kit regrets not realizing The Fallen Jammer would have an episode where the players spend a whole hour on planning how to kill a dragon—but they should've since they've listened to both shows.
  • On a similar note on guest DMs, Kit mentions that Chris was not prepared for the Jemjammer crew to be as dumb as they were.
• When asked how many father figures Aelfgifu will have by the end of the campaign, Kit laughs and declares "there are many dads waiting in the wings".
• Kit mentions a friend asking them what The Good Place would look like as a D&D campaign, and Kit answered "Tabletop Game/Planescape".

TargMargs Part 1 - The Virgin Dracula

• It's a bonus episode about getting drunk at Target.
  • It also takes place in a future after the crew of the Kestrel have had various other adventures like a Beach Episode, a body-swapping episode, an episode where they travel inside Mr. Herst's body, a Very Special Episode where they think Aelfgifu is dying from a terminal disease (but turns out to just have indigestion), an episode where they're trapped in an elevator with a pregnant woman, another one where they're trapped in an elevator with the devil, and one where they convince Mr. Herst not to retire to Scotland Planet and chastely hold hands with a candle ghost.
  • Alexi also suggests going to a Cat planet, with jokes quickly hitting both [[Film/Cats the film]] and the books. Then Maq suggest a plant where they're all on roller skates and also trains, but it takes the others a minute to figure out what she's referencing.
• Annie suggests the red spheres inexplicably scattered across Targspace could be eggs, and the Super Hunter's Market is trying to reproduce.
• There's no DM, everyone runs the game, and everyone is "equally culpable for what is about to happen".
• Cacophony is wearing a baggy sweatshirt with "TargMarg University" written on it, and she's sneaking Everclear into the building by...carrying it in.
  Cacophony: People in this places don't get paid enough to give a shit you guys, I don't know what to tell you.
  Aelfgifu: What is Everclear anyways?
  Cacophony: It's disgusting.
  Artie: I'm pretty sure...it's Windex.
  Cacophony: I'm gonna make some Jungle Juice while we're here just so you know.
• The first aisle they end up in is the cereal aisle, and Alexi describes funny neogi mascot cereal. Count Neogula's Neogi-O's.
  • They also see Azer (a dwarf from the plane of fire) communicating with his wife via orb-pondering to tell her that they don't have any pickle cereal.
• Annie describes Mr. Pib as "anti-soda". Rio elaborates that Mr. Pib tried to go toe-to-toe in medical school with Dr. Pepper before flunking out and becoming an accountant.
  • Said soda was in a cart that a lady launched down the aisle.
  Rio: Were the groceries in her cart?
  Annie: Yes.
  Rio: And she chucked it because she saw chicken nuggets?
  Annie: Yes.
  Rio: Are you sure she isn't drunk?
  Annie: We are all here. At two am. In the Hunter's Market. Anything goes.
• Since the Targ is the size of a small planetoid, Alexi suggests one aisle is just a mile-long stretch filled with nothing but Red Delicious apples.
• Everyone partakes in an unidentified unicorn-juice that causes wild magic surges. Aelfgifu will be struck with bees next time she rolls. Jyll does too and turns into a masc-presenting version of herself named "Gyll". Annie has to take notes on how they determine what he looks like so Rio can draw him later, which end up reading "fade-cut, floppy locks, Idris Elba jawline, chonk in the middle but wrestle dorito, hot and beefy".
  • When Rio sees Gyll, since he didn't notice when the party started drinking the juice, his first reaction is "is this what cereal does?"
• Maq sends everyone to the season department. Which season is it? All of them. Christmas music is playing while plastic skeletons dangle around, fireworks are going off, rabbits are running around both alive and anatomically inaccurate skeleton homunculi, and there's a nativity play where a vampire stands in for Mary.
  Annie: Quick point of order: if the baby space-elven christ's mother is a dracula and that's a virgin dracula, isn't that just Strahd von Zarovich?
  Alexi: Yes.
  Rio: I don't understand this reference.
  Annie: He's a horrible incel!
  • Aelfgifu cracks open one of the mystery eggs and the bees show up.
  • Maq tries to impress the goth teens in the department and, thanks to the wild magic table, sets off Fireball.
• Gyll gets buzzed and spies a goth plant person wearing a costume of a different plant, and pulls Aelfgifu over to flirt with them. This momentarily hits a speedbump when they realize they don't have a GM to play NPCs.
  • The plant, played by Maq, asks Aelfgifu if she wants to get high. Rio in the background: "isn't that cannibalism?!"
  • To ensure Aelfgifu can stay with the plant person ("Daisy") when they move on to the next department, Annie adds them to the loot table.

TargMargs Part 2 - Boot and Rally

• Cacophony finds a selection of D-pop - Dohwar Pop. It's just like K-pop but because of their stubby legs and flipper arms the dance choreography is just a lot of butt-shaking.
  • There's a cardboard cutout of Brendan Fraser from The Mummy in this department where an employee has to stand guard and keep people from trying to fondle and kiss it. There's a line you can get into to stand and oggle it. Artie panics because he's never seen cardboard before and let's out a horrified cry of "oh no he lost his ass!"
  • Maq describes a wall of TVs where they're all playing Ant-Man, except for one that's playing Turbo.
  • They leave the department because Gyll gets startled by Daisy and launches a bunch of magic missiles, setting the department on fire.
• Cacophony takes a sip of the unicorn juice and turns into a sexy potted fern.
• Next is the kitchen implements section, filled with all manner of weirdly specific tools that everyone feels like they need.
  Aelfgifu: They've got a nut curler! I didn't even know you could curl a nut.
  Cacophony: This one cuts meat into the shape of leaves. It says it's perfect for vegetarians! I don't think that's how that works.
  • There's also a sign in wine-mom font that says "Taste". Cue a solid minute of everyone saying "taste" in different inflections.
  • Aelfgifu finds a selection of one-cup coffee maker flavors, ranging from normal to "frozen food bag - dripping", "coffee pot", and "ennui".
  • Artie grabs a melon baller that was clearly designed for someone with tentacles. Made of diamond.
• By the time they enter the next department they all turn into barnyard animals - Artie is a sheep, Aelfgifu is a chicken, Gyll is a goat, Wyn is a cow (she stops being a plant briefly), and Daisy is a donkey. And during this time, there's an off-key cover of "The Girl from Ipanema" playing begind Gyll. And also actually playing in the podcast.
  • The next department is the pharmacy - specifically, the sex toy section. Aelfgifu suggests a variety of flavoured lubricants like the one that makes you nostalgic, the one that makes you forgive your mome, and the one that feels like ennui.
  • Chicken!Aelfgifu ends up getting a vibrating egg.
  • Multiple rolls on multiple tables result in basically everyone dancing to their own off-key background music, Artie having a giant sheep head, and Gyll trying to confess his love to Aeflgifu.
• The last department they arrive at is Party Supplies. Disturbingly there's more lube here than in the sex toy section, as well as specific "blood buckets" and banners that say "Congratulations on your Bereavement Leave". And balls of grass.
  • Aelfgifu wraps herself in streamers in an attempt to "blend in". Artie similarly covers himself in mardi gras beads.
  • Cacophony opens up an "Inflatable Sweet Sixteen Party", which includes a bunch of inflatable teens that tell you how pretty you look and then mutter mean things behind your back.
  • Gyll, drunk and heating up, ends up summoning a storm and shattering the skylight above the group. It also brings down a lightning bolt, creating yet another fire.
• This entire time the group have kept running into the same cat multiple times (sometimes at the same time). As they hit maximum shenanigans all the cats meld together to turn into security guards. And then the chief of security bursts forth from the centre of the planet - a minotaur in a uniform.
• The escape portion of the game includes the one-time option per player to "Boot and Rally", where you throw up on another player and gross out everyone including security. You can get bonus points if everyone vomits on the same player.
  • Maq immediately vomits on Aelfgifu.
  • The party warp back to seasonal, which is still on fire. Gyll blocks security by hucking shopping carts towards them, and the nearby shitty teens are inspired to start their own shopping cart derby.
  Annie: I've started a biker gang.
  • Artie vomits on Aelfgifu, and notes that it smells kinda fishy. It distracts the cat guards.
  • Cacophony declares herself "The Shelf Walker" and thinks she does a perfect backflip onto the top shelf before running from security. In reality she just kind of crashes up there and starts crawling on her needs before getting up and kicking random stuff off.
• After their daring escape, Daisy dismisses themself back inside because their break is over.
• Artie's loot at the end: a chocolate egg filled with bees, a giant flatscreen tv that only plays Turbo, a diamond interchangeable melon-head baller, a blood pressure arm band, and Mardi Gras margarita beads.
  • Lawnmower is inspired and they all make a Turbo costume. The players then discuss the entire crew of The Kestrel becoming obsessed with Turbo the more they watch it.
  • Maq explains that the joke from earlier is based on a ten-hour flight from China she was one on where the man in front of her watched Ant-Man six times and then, forty-five minutes before they landed, switched to Turbo.
  • Alexi didn't know Turbo was a real movie until they looked it up following that story.

Wolf Party - No Cults, Just Vibes

• We open in a pocket universe, far away from the eyes of Gods and Kit.
• Aelfgifu is wearing a dress designed with hidden pockets to sneak in snacks and Breadsticks. Breadsticks is also wearing a matching dress.
• Rio describes Artie's outfit as a hot, leather-clad mariachi.
• Artie doesn't say "let's go lesbians" because Lachlan's present, but he says he's okay being an honorary lesbian for the night. Then the others point out that Cacophony is the only lesbian around and everyone else is vaguley queer.
• Rio explains that if any of the women have heightened emotions, they might turn into werewolves in the sphere, and it might cause damage to their clothes and surroundings.
  Artie: Lemme tell you, werewolf sex? It's a rough time.
  Lachlan: Ruff, ey!
  Artie: Shut up.
  Lachlan: I know, it's a hairy situation.
  Jyll: Now you've got him started.
  Artie:Goddammit Lachlan!
  Lachlan: Is this not the tail you want?
  Artie:I'm going to noogie you, and I don't give a shit waht Mr. Herst says.
  Lachlan: You literally can't reach my head.
  Jyll: Don't worry babe, his bark is worse than his bite.
• Aelfgifu meets a tree woman, Beatrix, who's impressed that she's actually eating instead of starving herself like the other nobles. Aelfgifu tells her her secret is her dress, which is full of snacks. And swords.
  • They then bond over both being from the woods.
  Beatrix: They don't know what it's like to have a squirrel live on you.
  Aelfgifu: I once spent months attaching acorns and nuts to myself and standing really still untila chipmunk would hang out on my arms.
• Rio asks the girls what emotion might get them riled up. Annie was initially thinking fear for Jylliana, but now that she knows the vibe Rio is going for she changes it to "general hornt-ness". Aelfgifu and Cacophony gives options, but they also agree that the whole party thirsts.
• Lachlan accidentally pokes Jyll in the eye with his long-beaked bird mask. He tries to bend the nose down, but Jyll says he looks less like a bird and more like a whatever.
• Jyll gets really hung up on what's going on with the roadie eating cheese, and Artie has to explain that no, he's fine, he's just really into eating cheese.
  Annie:Nothing can ruin this cheese night.
  Rio:Nothing except a bucket of pig's blood, I guess.
• Lachlan sorted out his mask situation by swapping his with someone else fast enough for the other person not to notice. It helps that they were drunk, and when Jyll and Lachlan look over at him they see him struggling to take more drinks and constantly bumping into the messed-up beak.
• Cacophony starts looking for hot dragon ladies (who are also werewolves) in her area. Annie starts singing "Where, Oh, Werewolf".
• Jylliana gets stuck in a room with a kid who just read a book about dragons, and proceeds to tell them all about dragons and dragon lances and their dragon OC.
• Beatrix and Aelfgifu decide to just hype themselves up and tickle each other until they turn into werewolves so they can run around the grounds.
  • When she shows up at the Kestrel with hair full of leaves and sticks and viney bits, nobody is confused because this is a normal Aelfgifu thing to happen.
• Lachlan offers to turn into a wolf when Jyll says she might want to, and when she blushes her ears pop into wolfy ones. They then pan from the fireplace they were sitting next to...to a different fireplace.

Hired Mussel Part 1 - Rich Inner Lives

• The game is styled after Pokémon Mystery Dungeon, so the player characters will be Breadsticks, Toolbox, Lawnmower, and Dewey.
  • Alexi is absent for this oneshot, but has given anyone permission to play as Breadsticks. Except Anna misspeaks and says "everyone" can play Breadsticks, leading to her and Annie comparing things to Twitch Plays Pokémon.
  • Annie feels like a flail snail.
  Kit: Just generally or..?
  Annie: Well, I mean, it's really early and I don't have a lot going on in my brain right now, so I just feel like bonking into a wall.
  • With Kit taking Toolbox and Maq taking Breadsticks, Annie has a chuckle over Rio Playing Against Type as Dewey the smart character. Rio counters by pulling out a perfect Dewey voice.
• Breadsticks has been developing a relationship with the seagulls in Taphos. The relationship is hate.
• Maq pronounces pseudodragon as "Suede-o Dragon".
• They tell Jake to keep in all the long pauses during conversations with Lawnmower, which are artistic choices.
  Kit: Any conversation with Lawnmower is gonna be like calling Alan Moore on the phone.
  Annie: Probably with less talk about wizards.

Kit: Probably.

• Lawnmower manages to intimidate the seagulls away from the cave full of clams by just smacking one out of the air, then hoovering it up.
• Dewey has to explain to Breadsticks that crabs are not clams, and in fact eat clams. And seagulls.
  Dewey: It's a blood feud.
• The entire time Dewey tries to tell the crabs why they should team up against the seagulls instead of eating the players, Annie casually narrates that Lawnmower has continued moving forward without attempting to stop.
  • Anna describes Lawnmower's walking speed as "dramatic timing".
  • When the crabs decide Dewey is a crab, Dewey tries to say that he's a land crab and has different traditions than they do. Annie then realizes that, because Dewey used to live in a spooky Halloween castle adventure dungeon, he's a dungeoness crab.
  Rio: Excuse me, I have to drive an hour and a half to noogie Annie, I'm sorry, we're gonna have to end right now.
• In the stinger, Kit mentions that they opened up the counter app on their phone and the last thing they felt compelled to count was just "Birds".

Hired Mussel Part 2 - Clam Justice

• The traditional crab initiation is...a beauty pageant! Everyone is excited except Dewey, who's internal fan starts whirring in distress.
• Dewey tries to explain to Breadsticks that Lawnmower is corrosive by saying "he turns everything he touches into mush with his butt."
• While everyone tries to attach various shells and seaglass to their bodies, Toolbox tries to get by with just grooming herself. When the crabs insist on a prop, she just picks up some seaglass and holds it. Breadsticks takes things into her own paws and puts a large shell on Toolbox's head like a hat.
• Dewey does a sexy walk for the fashion show because he's channeling the most beautiful person he knows - Cacophony.
  • Toolbox walks to the edge of the catwalk with "the normal poise of someone who's watched their worst enemy break their leg and is hear to see them cut it off". However the crabs criticize her for being too fluffy, telling her to "have more hard next time". Toolbox can't really argue with that.
  • Lawnmower manages to sashay despite the lack of hips, and vogues with his flails while singing "Anything You Can Do" in his head. This is the most impressive thing to the crabs, and they all click clack approvingly (like beat poetry).
  Lawnmower: I am the parade.
• While everyone was distracted by the beauty pageant, the seagulls storm the cave.
  Annie: If only we had some coat hangers.
• Anna asks how Dewey's handling this assault.
  Rio: Dewey's made of metal. Dewey don't give ashit.
  • Dewey decides to jump onto and rodeo one of the seagulls, but Rio rolls snake eyes and lands upside-down headfirst in the sand.
  • Toolbox gets distracted by Dewey's flailing and starts batting at him, accidentally digging him out.
• After the critters manage to break down a wall in the cave and find a treasure trove of clams, they also find a whole bunch of dead adventurers. While everyone stuffs some saddlebags full of clams to put on Lawnmower, Dewey uses some of the discarded capes to make a bindle to fill with adventurer journals.
  • However, the cave is blocking Breadsticks' teleporting ability.
  Breadsticks: AAAGH I'M SO CLAUSTROPHOBIC!
  Annie: Oh my god you'll have to use your breath weapons, or your magic, or your wings, or literally anything you little magic baby!
• In order to get out among the battle between seagulls and crabs, Breadsticks uses the classic military tactic of running at them and screaming incoherently.
  • Dewey does the same, except he's screaming "These aren't clams, they're bones! I like bones!"
  • Lawnmower revs up and jets across the battlefield, with the swirling flails described by Rio as "turbo-vaguing".
  • And Toolbox, who shoved herself into one of the saddlebags, is simply holding on for dear life.
• Lawnmower gets worked up enough to create a slimy sweat.
  Annie: It's not slime, it's mucus!
  Kit: What is mucus if not slime with a purpose.
  • The mucus dissolves two of the clam haul, and Annie starts singing "No One Is Alone" in the background.

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