Funny / Drop-Out

"This is a weird show."

Dropout shows with their own pages:

• Um, Actually
• Game Changer
• Dimension 20

Sketches

• Tide CEO: You Gotta Stop Eating Tide Pods is almost entirely dialogue and prop comedy, and it is hilarious. In the skit, the CEO of the company that makes Tide Pods tells people to stop eating Tide Pods, no matter how delicious they look, and grows steadily more outraged as it turns out that every product the company makes looks like "fucking candy". Except for the cheeseburger, which turns out to give a very close shave.
  CEO: Am I the asshole? Like, how do you not get...we, can we just cut? Can you cut the camera real quick? [walks off-camera] I-I'm trying to understand right now how this happened. I've been busting my ass on this fucking Tide Pods fiasco, and I turn my back for three seconds, and now our entire line of products is shaped like fucking candy. And I'm trying to understand how this happened. Why are you crying?
  [Jump Cut]
  CEO: "With Tampax push-cicles, you get to choose between chilly cherry, frosty fruit punch, or ice cold cranberry." We- okay. Not only should none of these be flavored, because, why, would you flavor them? This is the coldest thing I've ever held. And, as in everything else today, people will try to eat these! Even if they're not poisonous, we don't want people eating fucking tampons.
  Crew Member: [from off-camera] Those are poison.
  CEO: WHY ARE THEY POISONOUS?!
  • After President Trump asked whether disinfectant could be injected as a cure for COVID-19, the same CEO had to come back to tell people that "Soap Isn't Medicine". It's worth the price of admission just for this line alone:
    CEO: You do not get to pretend that you're being noble if you're just doing some random shit! If I fucking jerk off on the subway and say "This one's for the TROOPS!", that doesn't matter! You have to actually HELP people to honor them! Give them a pay raise! I can't believe this is HAPPENING TO M-
    • After that, he advocates for using their existing lines.
      CEO: If you're on the go, and you really need it, you can use a Tide-To-Go pen. Right now, all proceeds from our Tide pens - this is actually a good thing! They're actually gonna go to funding epidemic relief. We're calling them Epi-Pens!? Ohhhh, get fucked, no we're not. This isn't a thing we can do! Does nobody see an issue with this?!
    • He then showcases a bar of soap with "Surgeon General's Warning: Do not.............................. Eat Soap To Treat Disease." Also, he said he wanted "normal soap", not for the product to be called "Normal Soap." He eventually muses about whether he's actually Cassandra - a doomed prophet alone and unheeded by the weary world.
      CEO: How do I... fix someone's brain?
      Steve: Soap?
    • Then he presents "Tide Suppositories", and is left dumbfounded by the logic behind it - so people can clean their ass, in light of the toilet paper shortage.
      CEO: Weirdly... bizarrely... I actually follow the logic on this one.
• Pretty much the entire Tumblr CEO short.
  • He first extols the creativity of the Furry Fandom, only to very quickly run into Rule 34 (which he thought was "Be polite").
    CEO: The frog's got tits out to HERE, Carmen!
    Carmen: I've seen bigger.
    CEO: Where?
    Carmen: Tumblr?
    CEO: Go to hell!
  • This moment which has found its way into a lot of "perfectly-cut scream" compilations.
    CEO: Conservatively. What percentage of our platform is porn?
    Carmen: Nine...
    CEO: [aghast] Niiiine percent?
    Carmen: Ninety...
    CEO: [increasingly shrill] NINETY?!
    Carmen: ...eight.
    [Beat]
    CEO: AAAAAAAAAAA-
  • Also this, which immediately follows the previous joke:
    CEO: [pacing while on the phone] Martha, I'm not angry, I just am trying to understand how this didn't get to me. When I started this website, I wanted it to be about buddies doing social media! That's why I started the BDSM tag! [Beat] It's full of WHAT?!
• The Juul CEO short, in which it turns out that all the vape pen company's marketing turns out to be geared towards prepubescent children. A particular mention has to go to this scene:
  CEO: Why only inhale Juuls when you can wear Juul too? Check out our new line of backpacks, and each one comes with a free Juul device.
  [He examines the backpack, which is brightly coloured and extremely small]
  CEO: [squeezing the backpack between his hands] This is a child's backpack.
  Assistant: That's an adult backpack.
  [Beat]
  [The CEO angrily straps on the comically-tiny backpack]
  CEO: [pointing at his assistant] LOOK AT ME. AND SAY WHAT YOU SAID.
  Assistant: [defiantly] Adult. Backpack.
  CEO: [walking behind camera] You're never walking again.
  Assistant: What are you do-?!
  [Smash Cut to the CEO, now with a huge shiner on his face]
• The Skype CEO got in on the fun during the COVID pandemic, utterly furious at how they'd gotten such brand recognition over the years as to have a Brand Name Takeover (Skyping)... only for Zoom to suddenly dart in at the last moment and take over the market, calling out their customers over being such fickle ingrates.
  CEO: To everybody out there watching this, I just wanna say from the bottom of my heart... fuck you. And double fuck your stupid Zoom account. Terry, let me get my fucking point out for a second. What the fuck is Zoom?! What the fuck is Zoom- what is that?! We have been here since the beginning, and you cannot tell me that all these people out here didn't switch on purpose just to fuck with me! As God is my witness, you ungrateful FUCKS, I WILL HAVE MY REVEEEEEEE-
  • And then he starts realizing that this is an established trend. Even his own mother suggested setting up a family Zoom.
  CEO: Hydrox came before Oreos. Did you know that? Hydrox came before Oreos. Betamax came before VHS. Gobots came before Transformers. Are we... Gobots?
  • And the kicker - he winds up slipping at the last minute and saying they should set up a Zoom later. He blames it on the word just being fun to say.
• If you can handle the ungodly amount of Squick, the Furry Force sketches has many funny moments, like in the first episode when the Furry Force morphs into a 50-foot hermaphroditic monstrosity. A freaked-out Victor Vivisector lets out a flat "Nope" and flies away with his jet pack, leaving his goons behind, who promply commits suicide.
  • The second video ends with the President resigning after the Furry Force save him.
  • The third short delves head-first into Motive Decay - instead of trying to harm the environment, Victor simply wants the Furry Force dead and gone.
• Who Got Me Sick?. Trapp launches a full Hercule Poirot-style investigation to find out who got him sick. Made especially hilarious by the various personas taken on by the actors. Brennan is the big game hunter colonel, Grant is the British snob, Siobhan is the young, beautiful woman keen on throwing herself on fads, Raph is the average chap, and Jessica is the elderly noble and/or actress.
  Trapp: My god, Siobhan. There is no crime so low as getting another sick, no victim more undeserving than I.
  [Beat]
  Grant: Didn't you kill Pat?
• In "Hot Date: Don't Call My Dick 'Nice'", Emily describes Murph's penis as "nice", which he considers a Backhanded Compliment and obsesses over the rest of the night, outright begging her to call it "big" instead. Then comes the punchline:
  Waiter: How is everything?
  Emily: Very nice, thank you.
  Murph: That means it's SMALL!!!
• "Your Friend Who Never Learns Partying Sucks", especially the B-plot where Katie hears about eating ass, does research on it, and ultimately decides to try it out. A lot of the comment section is dedicated to admiring how brave Katie was being in both trying out something new, and how responsible she was being in making sure she did research about it before diving in.
• A Computer Co-wrote This Sketch, especially when Grant takes off his shirt and it's covered in green slime. Everyone emits a Skyward Scream at this.
• The "Zordon is a Racist" video pokes fun at the Unfortunate Implications of the original Black Ranger and the original Yellow Ranger from Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers respectively being African-American and Asian by establishing that Zordon is a complete bigot who is blatantly appointing Ranger colors to his recruits based on what minority they are. Zordon's unashamed bigotry and the teenage recruits' disgust at his demonstrations of racism, antisemitism, misogyny and homophobia make for a hilarious video that Crosses the Line Twice.
• All of Script Meeting. Special mention goes to Anu's smile and Emily's reactions to being assigned the role of various unnamed male characters.
• Can't hire the A-Team? Try hiring the B-Team instead... or the C-Team... or if you're really broke, the F-Team.
• Perpetual Motion Machine! A lucrative source of income, until, of course, it's not a Motion Machine.
• How Tall is Grant?, in all of its perspective-shifting madness.
  • And, in a similar vein and tone, Is Grant Keith from Buzzfeed? which not only features The Try Guys' Keith, who does look a great deal like Grant, but also presents the fact that Keith and Grant each have twin brothers named... Grant and Keith. Bonus points for the callback to How Tall is Grant? about halfway through as Trapp continues to freak out.
• Are You Asian Enough? has plenty of good lines, but the funniest part is the punchline:
  Woman: I'm an eighth black?
  The Black Council: You're black.
• What Going Back to the Nineties Would Actually Be Like hits you like a train with its concept. And it is also hilarious.
• The Weirdest Conversation You'll Overhear involves Trapp talking on the phone to an automated phone menu... or is it?
  • The beginning of that sketch is fairly amusing on its own:
    Adam: I'm telling you, people eat an average of twelve spiders a day. Not while they sleep, just like, throughout the day.
• The Truth About Football is a series of depressing facts, but what makes it funny is the completely straight face everyone except Trapp keeps throughout.
  Chuck Puber: Gina, in Matthew 19:24, we're told by Christ that it's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Given that, do you think these two coaches are gonna get sucked straight into hell when they die, or is it more likely, given all the injustices in the world, that there is no god?
• "I feel like everyone hates me, an ICE agent" is pretty much one big Take That! towards the whole concentration camps the Trump administration is running, except it's framed as two ICE agents talking about how they feel isolated from society... While keeping a bunch of kids in cages.
  • On a meta level, one of the ICE guards are played by Ryan Creamer, an actor who, due to his rather unfortunate last name, makes videos on pornhub where he does entirely wholesome and non-sexual things. CH even lampshades this in the comments, calling it the "least wholesome we have ever seen Ryan Creamer."
• "When Your Date's Apartment Sucks" for how absurdly okay Brennan's girlfriend is with her terrible living conditions.
• "Workshopping Your Insane Writing," an installment in CollegeHumor's Whole-Plot Reference spoof of The Shining, has the rest of the cast calmly workshopping Trapp's 600-page video script (which, of course, consists solely of the words "All work and no play makes Trapp a dull boy").
  Zac: I hate to say this, but doesn't this remind people of a Key & Peele sketch?
• "The Girl with a 'Birthday Month'" has this dialogue, with sinister music building up in the background:
  Rekha: I know, Yikestown, population Rey Rey.
  Trapp: The population of Yikestown is much higher than that...
• In "5 Tips for People Who Don't Understand Taxes", Grant's final tip is a bunch of legalese about how to avoid paying taxes by getting paid in stocks, which only applies to the extremely wealthy. He then does a 180 turn.
  Grant: If you qualify for this, you're part of the problem, motherfucker, and when the revolution comes, I'm starting with you.
• "It will never be cold again", while discussing how unrealistic Game of Thrones is because you can't imagine winter ever coming.
  Trapp: I mean, we can all imagine dragons.
  [looks into the camera while "Radioactive" plays]

If Google Was A Guy

The If Google Was A Guy series is packed with hilarious moments.

---

• In general, how Google gets increasingly annoyed at the start of every video in the series.
• In Part 1, we're introduced to:
  • A black guy (credited as "Curious Man") who consistently asks bizarre, nonsensical questions. Starting with "Foot same length Europe?"
    Google: What?
    Curious Man: Inch same length Europe.
  • A seedy-looking stockbroker who researches Bitcoin. Then how to buy Bitcoin. Then how to unbuy Bitcoin.
  • A young boy who uses Google Images to look up increasingly disgusting subjects.
    Little Boy: (Laughing) Gross fat butthole dick poop!
    Google: (Hands over image) Is that what kids are into these days?
    (Little Boy sees image...and immediately stops laughing in horror.)
    Google: Are your parents home?
  • An elderly British man who has no idea how the internet works.
    Man: Facebook.com, my grandson Nathan.
    Google: No.
  • An enthusiastic woman who wants to know the name of a song made entirely of meowing noises (which she "sings").
  • A guy who uses Images to look up nude college girls. And then starts undoing his pants in the middle of the office.
    Google: Really?!
    • Later, the same man searches for "Titanic drawing", "Titanic movie drawing", and "Titanic movie drawing scene" before finding success with "Kate Winslet tits".
      (Unbuckles belt.) "Round two!"
  • CollegeHumor writer Patrick Cassels Googles himself in increasingly specific terms, trying to verify that people find his content funny — with the returns getting smaller each time.
    Google: Are we going to do this all day?
  • A scatterbrained woman who searches for "HEDGEHOGS CUTE" (and can't seem to spell it correctly).
  • A man who researches the signs of an Adderall overdose... while twitching and speaking rapidly.
  • A woman who asks how to download Firefox. Google deadpans, "Ever heard of Chrome?"
  • A creepy guy who's looking for a free hamster...
  • ...And finally, an attractive, seemingly normal young woman inquires about the Boston Bomber. The cute one.
    Google: (slams folder on desk in rage) Oh FUCKING SHIT!
• In Part 2 ("If Google Was Still A Guy"), we get:
  • The return of Curious Man.
    Curious Man: Why mile length?
    Google: Uh...
    Curious Man: Cream cheese is cheese?
    Google: Wait, do you still want to know about-
    Curious Man: Avocado pit huge why?
    Google: Okay, don't speak in these weird haikus.
  • A young teenage girl who nervously asks, "How to tell if pregnant?" Followed immediately by her father.
    Dad: How to tell-
    Google: (auto-fills) -tell if pregnant?
    Dad: (looks offscreen) JENNIFER!
    (Cue Oh, Crap! face from Google.)
  • A Muslim businessman searching for a mosque in Seattle. This immediately triggers an NSA agent, who rises up from the floor and refuses to leave.
  • A woman who enters the room to find Google painting himself.
    Google: Today is Jackson Pollock's birthday, so we're celebrating his particular style of painting!
    Woman: Why farts smell?
    Google: (disgusted) One of the most important painters of all time, and you want to know why farts smell, so there you go.
  • A man wearing Google Glass asks how to avoid being bullied for using it. Google just bursts out laughing.
  • A stoner girl who searches for "flight to Washington", then reappears with an armful of patriotic souvenirs.
    Stoner: Flight to Washington State.
    Google: (rifles through papers) See? I knew you made that mistake.
  • The stockbroker from Part 1 is back. Since Bitcoin didn't work out, he decides to invest in Dogecoin. Apparently, it goes rather well: as the video goes on, he develops a suspicious "sniffle", begins dressing flamboyantly and smoking Cuban cigars, and inquires, "Where to buy pet Russian dolphin?"
  • A guy whose "F" key is stuck is represented by a guy just sitting in the chair repeating, "F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F..."
  • CollegeHumor writers Adam Conover and Brian Murphy settle an argument by asking Google whether February 2nd is called "Groundhog's Day" or "Groundhog Day". When Google clarifies that it's the latter, a victorious Brian immediately searches for a barbershop, as the loser of the argument is apparently forced to get a bowl cut.
  • A wholesome, middle-aged woman who asks for "terror pictures" (prompting the NSA agent to reappear).
    Woman: Oh, sorry. Terrier pictures.
    Google: [Relieved chuckle.] Oh. [Hands over folder.]
    [Woman squeals delightedly and leaves.]
    Google: [To NSA Agent] Hey, man. Lemme do my job, alright?
    NSA Agent: FUCK YOU! [Disappears into floor.]
  • A neckbearded guy who searches for "tent".
    Google: Doing a little camping, huh?
    Neckbeard: Tentacle hentai.
    Google: (shoves everything off desk in rage)Oh, COME ON!
  • After the ending bumper, we see the Bing office, which (by contrast to Google's office) is spacious, tranquil, clean, bright...and completely deserted.
    Bing: (yells down empty hallway) Open for business, everyone! C'mon in, it's awesome in here! (to self) Soon. They'll come soon.
• In Part 3:
  • Right off the bat, the Curious Man is back.
    Curious Man: Electric outlets look surprised why?
    Google: Because they-
    Curious Man: Millipedes ten times faster than centipedes?
    Google: (stares blankly)
    Curious Man: Baby powder made out of babies?
    Google: You know that it's not!
  • An intelligent-looking young man, who (much to Google's dismay) only wants to indulge his fetish for plus-sized, ethnic women. Starting with "Big Booty Puerto Rican Goddess".
  • The stockbroker from the first two parts returns. This time, his searches include whether dead people have to pay taxes and where to buy a lifelike bearded mannequin, all but saying he's planning to fake his death and presumably flee the country to avoid paying his taxes. It's driven home near the end when a police officer makes his own search to Google.
    Officer: Difference between human body and a mannequin?
  • A worried-looking middle-aged woman with a phone:
    Woman: What is YOLO?
    Google: Is that your kid's phone?
    Woman: Is YOLO a drug?
  • A woman who asks Siri "How big is the Serengeti" gets misheard, and Siri pulls up pictures of spaghetti.
    Siri: (cheerfully) Sorry, I don't see spaghetti in your contacts.
    (Google repeats phrase in a mocking voice.)
  • One exchange has Google saying a search for a random string of letters and numbers came up empty. We then see the searcher is a cat.
  • A woman who insists that vaccines cause autism:
    Google: (gesturing to a massive stack of papers on the right side of his desk) Well, I have one million results that say they don't, and (holds up a single paper on the other side) one result that says they do.
    Woman: (snatches the lone paper) I knew it!
    Google: (yelling) Just because I have it doesn't mean it's true!
  • A shady-looking neck beard who wants to know how to get to the deep web:
    Google: (wearing a hood and holding a lantern) Follow me.
  • The general stupidity Google has to put up with leaks into the autofill:
    Guy: Why do Asian—
    Google: Have small noses? Wear face masks? Have small eyes? Have small penises?
    Guy: [appalled] —Pandas have trouble mating in captivity? Jesus!
    Google: It's not me, it's them!
  • A man wearing a robe and holding a bottle of lotion searches for "Sonic the Hedgehog pics".
    Google: (nervously) The old Sega video game?
    Man: Safe search off. (the contents of Google's desk promptly begin flying around the office)
    Google: OH! What have you done?!
    • And when we see this guy again, he's already finished, leaving Google in a state of disturbed shock and his office a mess:
    Man: Clear history.
    Google: (incinerates the contents of his desk with a flamethrower)
  • The ending cameo by Mark McGrath.
    McGrath: Sugar Ray Ironically Cool Yet?
    Google: [sheepishly gestures to his empty desk] Sorry.
    McGrath: Bummer. [breaks out jumbo-sized bottle of lotion, begins applying it to his hands] Big Booty Puerto Rican Goddess?
• In Part 4:
  • A Cordon Bleugh Chef who searches for a recipe that only needs crackers, and if mayonnaise can be used as a butter substitute, which causes Google to retch. That's nothing compared to the last time he's seen:
    Chef: Okay to drink expired milk?
    Google: (slams paper onto his desk) NO!
    Chef: (holding a jug of milk, with a milk mustache on is lip) What happens if drank expired milk?
    Google: Oh my god! Why did you ask me in the first place?!
  • A young girl who uses Google to get to Facebook. Google's responses range from calling her lazy to yelling at her that Facebook is a simple walk away.
  • One man asks for directions to downtown, and Google responds that it'll take 35 minutes unless he uses Waze... and then Waze (portrayed as a demanding Drill Sergeant Nasty-type character) appears and starts shouting at the man, gradually reducing him to a blubbering wreck.
  • Autofill strikes again.
    Young woman: Selena Go-
    Google: [autofills] Selena Gomez feet.
    Young woman: Taylo-
    Google: Taylor Swift feet.
    Young woman: Katy-
    Google: Katy Perry feet.
    Young woman: [horrified] What is wrong with people?
    Google: (shrugs with a smile)
  • A man who asks how to become an astronaut. When Google declares his findings to be bad news, the man gradually changes his stance to working for NASA, then working at a planetarium, then volunteering at a planetarium, all of which are shot down, before half-heartedly suggesting "Help wanted laser tag."
    Google: Now we're talking!
  • One man asking about some of Google's less successful ventures.
    Man: Google Wave, what happened?
    Google: We killed it.
    Man: Google Glass, what happened?
    Google: We killed it.
    Man: Google Car-
    Google: Oh, oh, oh, whoa, now, now, this is gonna be amazing actually.
  • At the end of the video, Google goes to sleep. Without him, the crowd outside his office enters a state of panic (complete with terrified screams and the sounds of breaking glass, explosions, and car alarms).
  • One of the questions that Curious Man asks is "Dad from The Nanny dead?" Later on, Charles Shaughnessy, the actor who played the dad from The Nanny, shows up in The Stinger.
    Charles Shaughnessy: Dad from The Nanny.
    Google: Dead?
    Charles Shaughnessy: ...Seriously?
• In Part 5:
  • The video once again begins with the Curious Man asking bizarre questions, and Google clearly has had enough of him.
    Curious Man: (sits in seat) Haha, let's do this!
    Google: Not again...
    Curious Man: Can you keep a duck?
    (Google unamusingly stares at him)
    Curious Man: What are the newest shapes?
    Google: What're you gonna do with this information?
    Curious Man: Is Superman circumcised?
  • A woman comes in, asking questions that lack the context to them:
    Woman: Is this salt or sugar?
    Google: Is what salt or sugar?
    • And later:
    Woman: Is it "you're" or "your?"
    Google: IN. WHAT. CONTEXT?
    • And later still:
    Woman: Is the internet working?
    Google: (bordering on Tranquil Fury) I want you to think about this for a second.
  • The man who wanted to be an astronaut returns, and since today is his birthday, he looks up how old other famous people were when they achieved their historic goals:
    Man: Sistine Chapel, how old Michelangelo?
    Google: 33.
    Man: Moon landing, how old Neil Armstrong?
    Google: 38.
    Man: Became president, how old Barack Obama?
    Google: 47.
    Man: Still got three years!
  • Google pushing Google+ onto their users:
    Woman: Upload these photos of my nephew?
    Google: Y'know, you might consider uploading these to Google+, it's a lot like Facebook meets Google, it's really starting to take off!
    Woman: Oh, uh, uh, g-great!, I'll, uh, check it out.
    • And later, when Google tries pushing it on a confused child:
    Google: Not only is it awesome, but it's also free for you and all of your friends!
    Kid: I just wanna watch... Minecraft videos...
  • A climate change denier (played by D'Arcy Carden) looks for climate change conspiracies:
    Woman: Climate change is not real.
    Google:(Puts a whole box of results on his desk) Climate change IS real!
    Woman: Climate change is "not real".^note Searching with quotes forces the search to include those exact words
    Google: Fine. (begrudgingly hands woman a single page of results)
    Woman: Thank you!
    Google: (disgusted) Get outta here.
  • The neckbearded chef from the previous video searches for "Anna Kendrick boyfriend".
    Google: You really think you have a chance?
    Chef: (shrugs)
  • An apparent troll searches for "Do a barrel roll", causing Google's office to flip over.
    Google: (clutching his desk as the troll laughs) No, don't type that! Why would you type that?! Grab onto something!
  • A worried man who has been Googling his symptoms is told to go see a doctor. At the very end, he is shown to be at Web M.D., asking about his symptoms.
    Worried Man: Hot hands and feet!
    Web M.D.: Cancer.
• Quarantine Edition. Curious Man is back — and his questions are more inane than ever.
  Google: (rifles through papers) I'm sure you have lots of questions about the pandemic-
  Curious Man: Are rhinos elephants?
  Google: Are... What?
  • And, a bit later:
    Curious Man: How islands stay put?
    Google: Nothing about Coronavirus? The quarantine?
    Curious Man: Islands have anchors?
  • The neckbeard from the previous videos reappears. This time, he wants to buy toilet paper in bulk.
    Google: Sold out.
    Neckbeard: Uh...paper towels in bulk?
    Google: Sold out too.
    Neckbeard: Tissue paper in bulk?
    Google: Sold out.
    (Beat as Neckbeard thinks.)
    Google: You know, back in the olden days, we just used rags.
    Neckbeard: Underwear in bulk?
    Google: Very gross.
  • A young woman who wants to buy chicken for a recipe. Google says that most grocery stores are sold out, so she'll need to get creative.
    Woman: Farms near me?
    Google: Good thinking! Some farms will deliver vegetables right to your door.
    Woman: [rubs hands together] Stealing chickens?
    Google: Uhhhh, not that creative!
    • She comes back twice more, with increasingly outlandish ideas for how to get chicken, to Google's increasing frustration. First, she wants adopt a chicken from an animal shelter ("Not that creative"). Second, she wants to know how to steal an entire chicken coop ("NOT! THAT! CREATIVE!").
  • An elderly woman wants to learn about video conferencing. It doesn't go well.
    Old Lady: How do I Zoom?
    Google: (shuffling through papers) Video conferencing is a great way to stay connected!
    Old Lady: Do I Zoom on Facebook?
    Google: (sighs) Where to begin?
    Old Lady: How do I Facebook?
  • A party girl asks for a mojito recipe.
    Google: So, you're going to need mint-
    Party Girl: Don't have it.
    Google: Lime-
    Party Girl: Don't have it.
    Google: Club soda-
    Party Girl: (scowling) Don't have it.
    Google: -And rum.
    (Party Girl grins and holds up rum bottle, shaking it enthusiastically.)
    Party Girl: Wooooo, MOJITOS!
  • A fitness enthusiast searches for an online yoga class, followed by an online Zumba class and an online CrossFit class. All the exercise leaves him twisted up and in great pain, prompting him to search for an online chiropractor class.
  • A young girl asks Google how to calculate the volume of a sphere.
    Google: Maybe ask a parent for some homeschooling.
    Girl's Father: Uhhhhh, calculate volume sphere.
  • A stockbroker searches for Dow Jones, S&P 500, and NASDAQ. When he hears that all of them aren't doing well, he responds with more... out there searches.
    Broker: Animal Crossing real estate?
    Google: Not a real thing.
    Broker: Dollar to turnip exchange rate?
  • A man who asks for the time of day, day of the week, and month of the year, being told that it's 4pm on a Thursday in April.
    Man: (gets up and leaves) 2020 can suck my-
    Google: Oh, so you know the year.
  • A party animal who searches for Miami beach parties is reprimanded by Google for how irresponsible his desires are, even if he is 22.
    Party Animal: Sexy hazmat suits?
    Google: STAY. HOME.
• Quarantine Edition: Part 2 has the same woman from the heartwarming section mention that she's scared, lonely, and impatient. Google quietly reassures her of the need for continuing the quarantine.
  Woman: (Shrugs) Horny.
  Google: Hey, great news. I'm the Internet.
  • The starting question is from the same Curious Man from the previous skits, and Google is genuinely surprised that he has a question regarding the Coronavirus — until he hears the question.
    Curious Man: Coronavirus called Budweiser-virus in Mexico?
  • A man who wants instructions for giving himself a haircut. The result has both him and Google agreeing that he should shave his head. The scenario even repeats itself when he tries growing a beard.
  • A fashionista who searches for Prada face masks. When Google shows his disappointment in her, she suggests Gucci masks instead.
  • A Crazy Survivalist who inquires about firestarters.
    Google: Yeah, this isn't the apocalypse you've been prepping for.
    Doomsday Prepper: Animal traps?
    Google: Just stay home and watch TV.
    Doomsday Prepper: [sets rocket launcher on table] Bulk ammunition?
    Google: [nervously] What about Bear Grylls? Do ya like Bear Grylls?
  • A man who binges Tiger King, checking out everything up to the cast Instagram accounts. The lack of sleep from his binge makes itself clear.
    Man: (rummaging through the drawers in the office) Carol Baskin murdered husband, drug cartel connections?
  • A woman with a ukulele asks for chords for it, which Google gives her. When she asks for one chord songs, the best Google can give her is "Put the Lime in the Coconut". Then there's his reaction when she searches for ukulele amps.
    Google: I'm very sorry for your neighbors.
  • The stockbroker from part one asks about oil prices being negative. While Google begins a lecture about supply and demand, the broker clarifies that he wants people to pay him to take their oil.
    Google: Not how it works.
    Broker: I have, like, a whole room I'm not using!
  • A young woman inquires about how to make a "sourdough starter". After Google informs her that sourdough is "a living thing", she asks, "How to feed sourdough starter?" ("Just add water and flour every 8-12 hours.") Things escalate rather quickly from there — and end with the sourdough jar sporting its own tiny business suit and necktie.
    Young Woman: (sobbing) College fund for sourdough starter?
  • A woman asking about "second wave" has Google launching into a spiel about the second wave of the Spanish Flu, before the woman claims she meant second wave feminism.
    Google: Oh, sorry. One track mind, lately.
• Quarantine Edition: Part 3 has quite a few.
  • A little girl walks into Google's office.
    Google: Well, aren't you adorable!
    Little Girl: Santa Covid superspreader?
    Google: Oh, god!
  • A man visits Google for what to do for a toothache, but he's hesitant about going to the dentist for fear of the COVID risk. His solution?
    Man: Dentistry tutorial YouTube.
    Google: (facepalming) I don't like where this is going...
  • A man searching for his daughter's school's hybrid learning schedule. The father gets confused pretty quickly.
    Google: Every second Wednesday, students must appear over Zoom in uniform at 7:55.
    Father: AM or PM?
    Google: It does not say.
  • People coming in and inquiring about rescue dogs that are available for adoption. It evolves into what amounts to a dog auction.
  • The ukulele woman from the previous video is doomscrolling. Basically, looking explicitly for bad news. This is represented by a humanized Citizen news app screaming ridiculously depressing headlines at her.
  • The fashionista returns and asks about Dr. Fauci. Specifically, pictures of him young and shirtless. She also asks for a fancam. Google manages to actually find a real Fauci fancam, complete with sparkly editing!
    Google: (bemused) Huh. I guess you're not the only one.
  • The Doomsday Prepper returns and has taken up hoarding.
    Doomsday Prepper: All the toilet paper.
    Google: There's no need-
    Doomsday Prepper: All the beans.
    Google: - to hoard anything!
    Doomsday Prepper: Extra freezer.
    Google: That's not so bad...
    Doomsday Prepper: To hoard vaccines.
  • The Running Gag of the Conspiracy Theorist doing searches with Google giving a "No. Just… No" Reaction - only to fall afoul of Duck Season, Rabbit Season when the theorist asks if COVID-19 is real.
    • And the final punchline of the video (which came out right before 2021).
      Theorist: Mayans end of world year.
      Google: 2012.
      Theorist: Mayans... dyslexia?
      Google: What do you... (looks at the calendar with an Eye Take before putting on a Tinfoil Hat) Ohhh, shhhhhhhh-
  • A man comes in wanting to learn how to play Chess, a decision that Google surmises was inspired by The Queen's Gambit. After deciding that Chess and Checkers are beyond his skill level, he settles on Connect Four.

Breaking News

"The news show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh".

• Breaking News is usually pretty funny, but ''True Facts About Grant Anthony O'Brien takes things to a new, deeply personal, and absolutely savage level. Even worse for Grant is that this episode aired on YouTube just after the announcement that he, and most of the cast, were being laid off.
  Lily: I've never heard Grant say "no" so many times.
  • For context, the first story told is Grant catching syphilis that preceding January, and it somehow gets worse from there - from bad nude photos to bad headshots to bad acting, and finally concluding with Tao telling a story about Grant's roommate finding his dildo stuck to the wall of his shower.
    Tao: How did you LEAVE it?
    Grant: (sheepish) I...I had just cum.
• In "Old Rude Donkey's Flamin' Anus Hot Sauce", Brennan's character has a near death experience and goes to Hell. Which looks like a gym with everyone judging you. He is then asked to list people he saw there, starts off listing famous Nazis, moves on to American Confederate leaders, and finishes up with Alexander the Great and Julius Caesar.
  • Later, Sam has to eat mayonaise-covered licorice, and adds the episode's director to the list of people who should be in Hell.
• "Tornado Jail", one of Amy Vorpahl's first appearances, acts as an Establishing Character Moment for her inability to control her laughter - but she's not the only one:

  • Erika breaks 5 times at the beginning until Brennan starts to introduce her.
  • "Babies are the shrivelled rats that husbands and wives make by peeing on each other. Everyone knows that babies smell bad and suck at math."
  • Amy, the weather reporter, is forced to report on a tornado devastating a small town. Among the tornado's carnage is a wax museum that only features Robert Downey Jr. while he was addicted to drugs and the local zoo, where all the gorillas were sucked into the sky.
  • This breaks Amy into such a laughing fit that she goes from a -7 score to -43, somehow beating Erika.
    Brennan: "Before we go, we must announce that today's loser is Amy Vorpahl." Surprising no one. Incredible, a near 100% meltdown!

• Indeed, in every episode of Breaking News featuring Amy it's a safe bet to guess she'll be the loser.
  • In "Mom Disappointed in Son...Again", her breaks begin right out of the gate and don't stop there.
    Rekha: (in character) Watch your shitty little mouth, piss-boy. You may be too old to call your hot mama, but you're never too old for a spanking!
    Amy: (for two minutes, between weeping laughs) M...Mama...mama...
    • Amy forgets whose mom Rekha's character is meant to be, and when the entire cast reminds her, it leads to Amy and the entire crew behind the scenes losing their absolute shit.
  • In the aptly titled "Amy Vorpahl Simply Loses Her Mind", Amy spends the first minute laughing at the introductions. She begins laughing so uncontrollably that she begins wheezing like someone with whooping cough. Her co-anchor, Grant, ends up thanking her for being even worse than him at laughing.
    • Grant explaining what he does with the junk in his trunk, which includes changing a spare tire, using a lumbar support pillow to prevent lower back pain, and...
      Grant: Oh, uh, I also, uh, get fucked in the ass.
      Amy: [wheezes uncontrollably]
    • Lily Du has to do a weather report in front of an industrial fan while also doing an okay Kermit impression.
    • Amy tries to restore some dignity at the end.
      Amy: "...tonight's loser, which is..." the hottest lady you ever saw with a lot of money, me.
  • In "Handshakes for Men, Hugs for Women", Amy's given the role of a gaming reporter forced to suggest dances that could be in a game whose name she can't mention but is definitely Fortnite. For a dance called "Absolutely Go Fucking Nuts", she accompanies the dance with a chant of "oogity boogity", and for "The Seinfeld (but Not The Elaine Dance)", she sort of pretends to hold a microphone.
  • "I'm Horny For Every Fictional Car" holds the record for the largest number of breaks from Amy, obviously, who broke 99 times.
  • "Gengar Could Run a Train Through Me" gives Amy another gaming segment where she expounds upon her attraction to the Pokemon Gengar.
    Amy: "He's like if Kevin James was even sexier and a ghost. I've got a" - ...oh no. "I've got a wet spot".
• Grant gets his revenge in "Sam Reich Launches Dropout America", which "reveals" that Sam has done a 180 in his political beliefs and is now a chest-thumping conservative nationalist who has turned Dropout into his Author Filibuster.
  • The second Sam realizes what's going on, he facepalms.
  • The hosts are Sam Rish (Brennan), Sam Rike (Carolyn), Sam Reesh (Katie), and Sam Reich.
  • Brennan gets the task of improvising a list of seven conservative things Sam has said with a photoshopped picture of Sam in a MAGA hat in the background.
    Brennan: "The only mental health I need is at the bottom of a bottle of Budweiser."
    Sam: I don't drink.
    Brennan: "The Statue of Liberty is the only woman I respect."
    Sam: That one's LAYERED.
  • The cast brings in a video of Sam's wife, Elaine Carroll, to tell a story about Sam being mean to a delivery driver and blaming Dr. Fauci for Political Overcorrectness.
  Sam: You have got to be kidding me!
  • Katie claims that Sam has recently bought a massive mansion with a vineyard, despite being allergic to alcohol. She theorizes that he might have faked his allergies For the Evulz, or if he did it just so no one else could have the grapes.
    • The teleprompter asks Katie to improvise the horrors of Sam's new bedroom. According to her, it apparently has an elephant's head mounted on the wall with "I did this, me, Sam Reich" written on it in its own blood, some rare owls taped to the wall, and a floor covered in maple syrup.
  • Sam fails to convincingly portray someone who's over being a "friendly, affable nice guy" when it's his turn on the teleprompter, reacting to the words Grant's putting in his mouth with horror and indignance.
    Sam: "Plays suck. Theater sucks." ...How DARE you. "Samuel Beckett sucks." (crossing himself) I'm sorry, Sam.
  • The last bad opinion Sam is forced to say is "Sushi should be made with grapes." Even though Sam is the episode's loser, his punishment is to watch Brennan eat sushi made with grapes.
    Brennan: Well, I guess we're going... (pulls chopsticks apart) ...off keto.
• In "We've Actually Met Before", Katie has to make up a story about how she and Trapp's characters have met before at "space camp", which she does so tragically (including actually crying) that Sam breaks character to ask if she's alright. She then proceeds to do so with both Sam's character and the entire audience.
  • Sam is the loser of the episode, which means he has to say exactly where he met the other actors in the episode. To make matters worse, all of them remember exactly where they met except Sam.
    • He got close with Katie, assuming they met when she was an intern, but missed the exact place in the office. Unfortunately, he also forgot to mention that they're distant cousins.
    • Trapp gives Sam the benefit of the doubt for forgetting they met at a Halloween party. Immediately after, Brennan shows no mercy.
      Sam: I'm so far mortified. Brennan, please tell me that we met when you were a writer for Um, Actually.
      Brennan: We met five years before that. (Sam and the crew break down laughing) Now obviously when I became your employee is obviously when I became a full human being, but prior to that, in New York City we had a 15 minute conversation...
• Remember "True Facts about Grant Anthony O'Brien"? It's back with part 2 in 2021, with Lily, Tao, and Brennan returning to embarrass "everyone's favorite unverified bitch" with stories about Viagra, sex parties, and bad dates, all as Lily the co-anchor makes him lick the bottom of her shoe - literally.
  Grant: Can I first say, before I start reading on this teleprompter - this last one that we did is the first thing that comes up when you Google me.
  • The normally stoic Brennan comes one point close to being the loser for once, behind, of course, Grant.
    Lily: (from the teleprompter) Is the dirty little cuck ready to have his face fucked off, all to provide three minutes of content for diet Quibi?
    Brennan: (breathless hysterical laughter)
  • Grant's sex party past comes back to haunt him - and Brennan - and his attempts to explain it don't help anyone.
    Grant: Now, here to read my social security number, it's a field reporter named after the amount of people I performed oral sex on one night in 2012.
    Brennan: (after a full five seconds of just standing there with his mouth open in shock) Hello... I'm Fifty?!?! That can't be right...
    Grant: There was a party that I went to. They had parties underneath a supermarket in Brooklyn...
    [...]
    Brennan: Did you have... water? Was there, I mean, fuckin' -
    Grant: Yeah, there was a snack bar.
    Brennan: (breathless hysterical laughter)
    • When Brennan's anchor name is revealed, the headline text on screen just says "Fucking Wow". After Grant says the party was under a supermarket in Brooklyn, the headline changes to 'Oh, That Explains It'.
  • The photo entitled "A 2007 Facial Expression that Grant Thought Would Look Sexy," is shocking in how quickly it elicits a sharp sudden shriek from Brennan.
  • The teleprompter makes an effort to be kind to Grant near the end before immediately ruining it.
    Lily: Before we end this symphony of chaos and pain, I just want to say one thing - that Grant O'Brien is one of the sweetest, kindest, best people on this planet. He's loyal, he's talented, he always makes time to help out a friend -
    Grant: (covering his mouth with both hands as soon as he reads the next line)
    Lily: - and one time when he was in high school his father walked into the family computer room and caught him sucking his own dick. And just to confirm, Grant, that's true?
    Grant: [noticeably long pause]...it's more complicated than that.
    • As "punishment" for "being the loser", Grant has to re-enact being caught with his own dick in his mouth, and Brennan has to play his dad. Grant goes into a way too detailed demonstration of how you kind of have to walk your feet up a wall to get the proper angle to get your penis into your own mouth before having an awkward conversation with his "dad" that ends like this:
      Brennan: (as Grant's dad) Well, I'm proud of you, and I hope someday you do work that makes you feel proud too.
  • The video also includes footage of Grant drunk at Pride, where he confesses to 'being charming all the time' and repeatedly tells the gay Illuminati that he's available, should they be interested.
• "I Don't Have Fingernails Because I Actually Know How to Finger a Woman" Starts of with one long roast on Yelp:
  Trapp: Yelp is launching a dating service for the awful misanthropes who use their site.
  Amanda Hugankiss: Oh, I love yelp.
  Trapp: Me too.
  • Amanda (played by Katie) recounts how she left a bad review because the customer service was bad, and she had expected them to finger her. She proceeds to do a very poor miming of fingering someone.
  • The episode manages to break Katie's laugh record with an astonishing three chuckles. The part that breaks her is having to describe how she is to date, noting that she'd be two hours late while constantly sending "I'll be right there" texts, before crying the entire date and refusing to talk about it, and ultimately falling asleep in the car, which her date is apparently not in.
  Trapp: Where was I?
  Amanda: Fuck you!
  • Erika, doing a parody of Jaws, is told to scrape her fingernails across a chalk board:
  Erika: I don't have fingernails, because I actually know how to finger a woman!
  (Headline changes to read "And Katie Doesn't?")
  Katie: (looking offended) Excuse me?
  • Erika starts drawing up an aircraft carrier as part of her plan to kill the shark, seemingly pre-empting any "bigger boat" jokes, only for Trapp to chime in in this spectacular line:
  Trapp: You're gonna need a bigger board.
• In "Gengar could run a train through me", Amy once again laughs so much that it's a solid one and a half minutes into the video before she can even finish her first line, reaching 19 laughs before that point. Her co-anchor, Lily, is looking at her concerned the whole time.
• "Why Did You Give a Wedgie to Malala?"
  • Grant's character claims to have given wedgies to three Nobel prize winners, including Barrack Obama, Gandhi and [improvise].
    Grant: Uuuuh, Malala Yousafski.
    Katie: Why?
    Entire cast piles on Grant for giving a wedgie to a little girl who was shot
  • Also in that episode, Brennan's character is "Ashton Yellowbut", an MMA expert whose lines are full of technical sports-acronyms that Brennan breezes through. Then Katie tells him to explain what all the acronyms mean.
    Katie: What does DQ stand for in that sentence?
    Brennan: (glares at the camera as production laughs in the background)
    Katie: Ashton?
    Brennan: Yeah.
    Grant: So proud of yourself for getting through that big jumbled speech, and then all of a sudden you gotta come back around, don'tcha?
    Katie: Hmm!
    Brennan: DQ stands for fucking Dairy Queen!
  • And once he's finished giving nonsensical explanations for the acronyms? Katie asks him to repeat the speech replacing the acronyms with what he said they stand for.
    Brennan: Love to, of course. To reiterate... what we ALREADY KNEW...
• In "Grant Uses Others as Puppets to Voice His Opinions", Grant uses his turn in the writer's chair to make an incredibly daring bet:
  The writer of this video is Grant O'Brien, which you might have picked up on from how correct he was about the shorts. Here's how sure he is that crypto is a joke: in 10 years, if any crypto is worth more than it is today - March 16th 2021 - get in touch with Grant and he'll send you the equivalent of one thousand US dollars in whatever currency you choose, no questions asked. Any crypto - Bitcoin, Ethereum, Rabbit Bucks, whatever. This offer stands for whoever reaches out, and you can ask for money as many times as you like, assuming Elon Musk gives you a long enough break from sucking his dick to DM Grant. And if you're thinking, "Grant doesn't have any money, how do we know that he can back this?" Check your digital wallet, fucko, because it's full of coins that are exactly as valuable as this promise.
  • Special mention needs to be given to Lily for absolutely nailing the rant without breaking once, as well as raising the amount of money on offer to a hundred thousand dollars.
• In "Gilchrest Savoy, the Wealthiest Man of 1906", Brennan is given the task of listing 7 names for Santa Claus. He starts by listing Saint Nicholas of Myra, the historical basis for Santa, while his co-anchor Carolyn is mimicking him babbling.
  • Trapp is introduced as Gilchrest Savoy, the wealthiest man of 1906, who's arrived in the future with a time machine... to be a weatherman. The script eventually gives him free reign to do whatever he wants, and he just goes completely off the rails with it, not even hesitating once except when he's unsure if his name is Gilchrest Savoy or Savoy Gilchrest.
  Marco Pubio (Brennan): Now, with weather, here is Gilchrest Savoy the [breathless laughter] wealthiest man of 1906!
  Gilchrest Savoy: Greetings and Salutations! It is I, Gilchrest Savoy, come to prognosticate and prophesize upon the weekly dews and drops! The fiercest westerly zephyr will begin post-haste and carry with it thunder and squall. The yowling caterwaul will vociferate nigh on three days hence, after which we can expect a gentle dawning of that sweet, red morn.
  Marco Pubio: Mr. Savoy, you were a man of great wealth in your time, I wonder how did you go about making your fortune?
  Gilchrest Savoy: Ah-hah, in my experience young lady [Brennan shrugs], fortunes as vast as mine are happened upon, not made. Lady Luck came to see me with apple-red cheeks just as rosy as your own and she blew me a kiss of gold!
  Marco Pubio: Now what does that mean?
  Gilchrest Savoy: Cheap Chinese labour built my railroads!
• The Grant/Sam feud continues with "Dropout America 2," which is about Sam's plans to buy Tumblr.
  Lily: The Game Changer host has made a bid to buy the social media platform Tumbler for 69 billion dollars.
  Elaine: OOH!
  Lily: What a pervert. He said he was inspired by his hero Elon Musk and quote "All that awesome Apartheid stuff he was into."
  Sam: "Pervert" was not in the prompter.
  Elaine: It says "pervert" in my prompter.
  Sam: *bursts out laughing*
  • And to top Elaine being brought into the previous instalment (and who is an anchor for this episode), this video features a cameo from former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich, Sam's own father, who roasts the living hell out of him without breaking deadpan.
  Sam: Okay, so no time to do Game Changer, but plenty of time to fit Breaking News into his schedule.
  • Sam eventually calls truce with Grant, but on Twitter he revealed that there are two more episodes of Breaking News that target him in particular, and he tells Grant to watch his back.
• Lily decides to get in on the Grant torture in "Grant Does the One Chip Challenge" which involves Grant taking a bite of the eponymous chip (with a scoville rating of 2,000,000).
  • Especially the way he discovered exactly what he's getting into.
  Grant: Good thing I'll never eat a chip that hot! (continues to read the prompter) Oh no...
  • When presented with the chip, the crew also comes out to give Grant an out, presenting a chip that's not as hot, but Grant is a professional and commits to the bit.
• Raphael decides to hit Sam right in the place it hurts most by having the cast play Win Sam Reich's Money with some ridiculously easy questions.
  • Tao is up first and he only has to guess how much money he thinks Sam has to win, eventually settling on $6 million and winning $100.
  • Grant is then set up to face what Sam was assured to be the hardest questions possible.
    Sam: We're gonna play Name! These! (becoming incredulous) COLORS?!
    Grant: Perfect!
    Sam: Name this color. Blue.
    Grant: Blue.
  • When its Katie's turn, Sam, sounding completely resigned to his fate, has to hand his phone to Katie and give her control of however much money she gets, eventually setting on $3000.
    • Katie's question is to identify whether or not a photo is of the desert or Mars. When she says its Coachella, Sam is relieved that the script considers it to be incorrect, only to continue reading and be corrected that Coachella is a desert. Katie also gives herself an extra $500 as a treat.
    • Better yet, when they do get ready to venmo Katie's money, Grant accidentally added another zero making it $35,000 and Sam does a little panicked dance in response, but they did end up sending the correct amount.
• Grant decides to get revenge on Sam once and for all in I Want To Play A Game, where he handcuffs Sam and if any of the rest the cast laughs he gets to inflict one of the following punishments:
  • If Elaine laughs, Grant posts on Sam's twitter feed, and she thinks the whole thing is hilarious.
  • If Oscar laughs, Sam has to take a sip from an absolutely filthy toilet, a Call-Back to "Do I Hear $1" on Game Changer.
  • And the pièce de résistance, if AMY laughs, Sam gets shocked by a cattle prod, a Call-Back to Total Forgiveness.
    Sam: (desperately begging) Amy I believe in you! We talked about this beforehand! (desperation increasing) We said this was the one! THIS WAS THE ONE YOU WERE GOING TO CLEAR!
    Amy: (pulling her upper lips over her teeth) The Face is coming back.
    Sam: (horrified) Oh no! That's not a good sign!
    Amy immediately breaks
  • Grant also appropriates Sam's Game Changer host outfit (a dark navy pinstripe suit and solid color tie, in this case orange) and catchphrase of "The only way to win is by learning, the only way to learn is by playing and the only way to begin is by beginning."
  • Sam is declared the loser even though Elaine laughed the most. His 'punishment' is to do a magic trick for Grant because Grant's 'a total sucker for that shit'. Cue Grant looking like a kid in a candy store while Sam looks genuinely delighted. The episode ends with Sam doing the trick for Grant while everyone else watches.
  • Sam is told to finish the story while he escapes. He comes up with a story about how Grant is the devil who would imprison people in their dreams. Oscar remarks that it sounds like a Grant hookup, and Grant just nods along with every insult Sam says about him. Though he does laugh and is a good enough sport to give himself a shock for breaking.
    Sam: See, it kind of stings!
    Grant: That sucks! That really sucks! (to Sam) I'm sorry!
• Grant came back for more in Dropout America 3, wherein Sam had apparently turned the show into 'The Absolute Truth', where he gets to say whatever he wants. Trapp immediately begins to play into it.
  • Brian got given a sound board with stock sound effects, like a dog barking. He uses this with excellent timing, including times when it's not on the prompter.

Dirty Laundry

Episode 1

• The contestants are asked which one of them shot a softcore pornography. Grant is immediately dismissed because if it was him, it wouldn't be softcore, and he would have told them about it.
• Katie tries to justify accidentally dropping and killing a duckling as a child.
  Katie: To be fair, it was literally a couple of hours old.
  Sam: To be- an animal literally has never been more vulnerable!
  Jacob: Guys, there was a deadly earthquake! Don't worry, it happened at the infant ward!

Episode 3

• For "Who had sex on public transportation?", Brian David Gilbert jokingly goes to take a drink, only to get yelled at by Jess Clemons like a shocked mother.
• Late in the episode as everyone gets more intoxicated, "Who has a tramp stamp?" comes up as a question. Jess Ross realizes she genuinely isn't sure if she's the one who submitted that. Turns out she did, and the other participants become furious as they realize she tricked them by accident. Her forgetting her submission leads to her winning the episode by scoring the full three points.

Episode 4

• When Lily asks which player is the one who dated 3 magicians, Amy Vorpahl breaks immediately, leaving no doubt in anyone's mind that it's her secret.
  Trapp: Are you sure it was three magicians, or was it one magician who kept reappearing?
  • When asked for more details, Amy says that one of them "hadn't gotten up to kids' parties yet", completely breaking Trapp and leaving Brennan howling with laughter.
  Trapp: What's BELOW kids' parties?!

Episode 6

• The players are asked which of them had three sugar daddies, including a millionaire. Everyone immediately picks Persephone, despite her protests. When Persephone is revealed to be the correct answer, she just says 'Fuck all of you' and drinks.
• The players are asked which of them is descended from a long line of models. Izzy says that her ancestors came from 'a fucking shtetl', to which Lily quips without missing a beat, 'Of models?'

Episode 1 (Season 2):

• The answer to the question 'Who made a hamster cum?' turns out to be Lily. Everyone is stunned.
• Usually after the guesses are in, everyone waits about five seconds for the ominous music to play before the culprit takes a sip. For one question, the music starts playing and the culprit just shrugs and admits it a second later.
• Carolyn starts telling a story about how she was making dinner for someone she was dating, only to discover him looking at Tinder on her laptop. Raph's immediate response is to be stunned... that someone would use Tinder on a laptop.

Episode 10 (Season 3)

• The guests this episode are from Dungeons & Daddies, which they describe as a worse Dimension 20. Grant immediately chimes in that he thought Dimension 20 was already a worse Critical Role.

Grant's Cocktail Recipes

• Just the fact that the cocktail recipes are listed as 'Season 69'.
• Grant gets about halfway through the Corpse Reviver Number Blue, puts a big ice cube in the glass and the drink goes everywhere. Cue the music cutting out while Grant just stares at the camera awkwardly.
• Grant starts the Manhattan recipe by saying that they'll use rye whiskey because it's spicy, but he'll add some sweetness to it. "I like it both ways, I think everyone knows that about me, I'm not breaking any new ground here."
  • When he's adding ice, he tells the ice that if it splashes, he'll kill it. Cue the ice splashing.
• Grant starts the Orange Wine episode by saying that he knows it's impossible to talk about wine without sounding like an asshole, he promises he's not an asshole... and then he knocks something off the bar.
  • Grant says that one should get a wine key to open bottles, not a bottle opener with the outstretched arms, because they're for moms. He then tells any moms watching that they're cool moms, the ones who say cool things... and then he visibly struggles to think of something cool for several seconds before coming up with 'lit', which gets him a buzzer noise.
  • Grant explains the kind of wine key one should look for, but since he doesn't know the names of the parts, he says that one should get a wine key that has a hinge on its penis.
  • The ingredients list at the end says 'Wine. ...no, really, that's it.'
• During the Bacon Maple Chocolate Old-Fashioned, Grant pours maple syrup and water into a small jar, seals the lid, gives it a shake... and it gets all over him.
  Grant: Jesus Christ.
  [Crew members laugh]
  Grant: Jesus Chri-
  [Cut to 'Please Stand By' overlay]
  Grant (voiceover): God, it's everywhere.
• Grant describes the root beer float as "unfuckupable". As it turns out, it is absolutely fuckupable if you put the ice cream in first, causing the root beer to foam uncontrollably.

Make Some Noise

• Whereas the scoring system in the segment this show is based on made more or less sense, the scoring system here is completely random. Sam awards Brennan one and a half points in one round and a googolplex in the next.
• "HBO's A Game of Rock Paper Scissors"
  • Brennan's prompt of "An Old-timey Prospector who is getting into crypto" quickly spins of into an Author Filibuster about Brennan's feelings on Crypto, much like Grant's rant in Breaking News:
    Brennan: [thick southern drawl] Ey'ou listen 'ere. Ah may'ave lost part of mah brain in a wolverine attack, but Ah know one thing and one things fer sure. That is the blockchain is th' future of currency. You think- oh, fiat currency, you, what, state-backed dollars. What could be better than a completely unaccountable system of absolute strangers an' con-artists assembled together in a bizarre crypto-fascist commune. We already know that these currencies are bein' used to fund neo-nazi and far-right organizations. If yer legitimately considering using these things, [loses accent] THERE'S SOMETHING FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU!
    Sam: I'm gonna cut you off before this-
    Brennan: NO THERE'S SOMETHING FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU!
    Zac: Where'd the prospector go?!?!
    Brennan: [does exaggerated dance] DIPPITY DAPPITY DIPPITY DAPPITY DIPPITY!
  • Brennan gets the prompt "HBO's A Game of Rock Paper Scissors" and does the most Game of Thrones monologue he can in his most British accent:
    Brennan: Done quite well for yourself, haven't you? I remember you, when you were nothing more than a pebble. Your father was an esteemable warrior and king in his time. [mimes that he's holding a glass of wine] The Boulder of Rockland, they called him. Me? Nothing more than a humble sheet... of paper. [takes a sip, the "wine" immediately soaks into him] Oh, I ca-can't drink!
    Sam: It's absorbant.
    Brennan: Outside I have a googolplex of soldiers. [drops accent] Anyone that wants to look up how much that is go ahead and do that right now^note 10^{10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000}. [accent's back] While you've been galavanting around, falling in love with that beautiful scissor princess I have been PREPARING for this day! Years have elapsed. My family cut to ribbons. Shredded! Made into compost. Nothing more than detritus and pulp. Time will tell. Even the most humble sheet of paper can SURROUND you when you least expect it. I will see you on the battlefield. [mimes that he's folding himself into a paper airplane and flies away]
  • In the minigame, players are asked to order eggs "the wrong way":
    Brennan: Extra aged.
    Sam: Meaning?
    Brennan: Chicken.
  • "Two sea captains competing for who loves the sea more" quickly gets derailed as Josh mentions a "whale with the body of a woman" and Brennan gets caught up in the logistics of that:
    Brennan: Ayy, she's a cruel mistress. Fierce and tempestuous, but I would live no other life. The sea chose me, in a way.
    Josh: Why, it's funny you say that, because, um, I also feel that, um, the sea calls to me. One time, validating that point, sort of reaffirming it, I was out in the middle of the sea after a vicious shipwreck, only me floating on a big piece of fuckin wood, but it was a whale with a woman's body-
    Brennan: Wait a minute, im sorry, I know we're supposed to be doing something else right now, but I am gonna double back to 'a whale with a woman's body'. So like, what part of the woman that you saw indicated that it was in fact a whale?
    Josh: So perhaps you didn't understand what I-
    Brennan: No I really didn't and I am asking for clarification.
    Josh: Okay, so, there are many mythological tales about the sea tha-, poseidon and stuff. But the sea manifests through the physique of a pretty hot bodied woman with the face of a fuckin whale.
    Brennan: Sorry, was the face proportional to what a whale's face size would be?
    Josh: Oh no, come on gurl!
    [Brennan and Zac burst into laughter]
    Josh: It was pretty small, you know, like, um, I dunno about a meter. So-
    Brennan: A THREE-FOOT FACE?
    Josh: So it told me I was its favorite.
    Brennan: Okay, so you're out on the ocean, a woman with a three foot long whaleface and, I guess, human hair on top? Maybe?
    Josh: Aw hell yeah, braids like fuckin barnacles.
    Brennan: Now, she comes up to you and says 'I'm the sea and I'm in love with you'?
    Josh: Well no, excuse me, I wish, am I wrong? No, the sea manifested itself as a woman with a pretty banging body and hair like the braids of seaweed and said 'You, Terry Meninicker, you are my favorite'.
• "Shakespeare's 'Dude, Where's My Car?'"
  • Ross Bryant gets the prompt "A confederate soldier's letter home in which he's subtly trying to start a sexting thing" and goes so hard that Sam nearly docks him points for ignoring the word "subtly".
    Ross: Dearest Ophelia. The sun is setting over the Chattanooga River, and I know that tomorrow may be the day I draw my last breath. As I face the Yankee horde, that seeks to come and wrest our freedom and our quote "property", unquote from us, I do not know when I shall once again feel your presence. Wrap my hand around your bodiced charms, and once again whisper your name. But if a minute ball is to find purchase in my bosom upon the morning, I hope that you shall tell me what you are wearing, gurl.
    other contestants burst into laughter
    Ross: First question, Ophelia. You up? Has the cock crowing brought you forth from blissful slumber? I repeat, you up? For rest assured, I am up, Ophelia. In particular part of me is up as the sturdy oak tree in front of the plantation that bears your family's name. If I die tomorrow, which, as a Confederate soldier I richly deserve to do, I hope that when I die, the last thought that goes through my mind is a thought of them tiddies, gurl.
  • “An ad for the new McDonald's sandwich: The Macbeth”
    Ross: (Scottish accent) Did ye work up an appetite unseaming the foes of your liege lord from the nave to the chaps? When the dawn breaks, how shall ye break your fast? The new McDonald’s Macbeth, the only sandwich with meat taken from a cow that trusted the owner with its very life. [...] It is a meal you shall wish to enjoy tomorrow. And tomorrow. And tomorrow. Buh duh buh buh buh! I’m loving it!
    Sam: First of all, that was a long commercial.
    Ross: That was the part that probably strained credulity.
  • The title sketch, with Ross and Jaquis Neal. Note that Ross does improvised Shakespeare for a living, while Jaquis clearly does not and is very clearly struggling with the grammar.
    Ross: Such intoxication as we have had yesternight, I beclouded my brainpan such that I know not where is our cart, my guy.
    Jaquis: Does thou mean that our cart isn't parked on... the road of our abode outside?
    Ross: Nay! There where it is want to haunt, its native resting place outside our domicile it have absented itself therefrom, dude.
    Jaquis: Lasteth nighteth, when we were partaking in the huana of mari...
    Ross: We did smoke in great quantities.
    Jaquis: I parketh the cart right here, but now it has gone! So I ask thee; Dude, whereth is ourth cart?
    Ross: Prithee me not this good sir, I am bereft of knowledge as thou art.
• "The Cut "Plunger's Song" From Beauty and the Beast"
  • Jess McKenna of Off Book returns after appearing in the Game Changer improv musical and delivers nothing but hits.
    Prompt: If the Harry Potter Sorting Hat Were a Mean Girl
    Jess: Obviously you're a Hufflepuff, and I'm a bitch.
  • Jess's one musical prompt - the namesake of the episode - lets her absolutely let loose.
    Aaaand after you're the guest and you've been in the kitchen
    When you've got a feeling more than just an itchin
    Come on down to the loo
    We down here take care of you
    If it's too much and the paper's a wad
    And you are thinking "oh my God"
    Plunge, plunge, plunge, plunge
    I am here to plunge!
  • Despite Sam warning Brennan and Jess that "A Scene From David Mamet's Workplace Drama "Build A Bear-y Glen Ross"" might take them a minute to digest, they launch into it with no hesitation.
    Jess: (New York accent) There's nothing more we can do, we're out of unicorns. We're out of - every single kid wants a fucking unicorn, and I can't make more unicorns! I tried to put out a narwhal, and I said it's a fuckin' real unicorn, and they don't even care! What am I supposed to do, boss? I can't close on that! I can't close on narwhals if corporate's not giving us any unicorns!
    Brennan: (Alec Baldwin voice) These kids have been dreaming about a bear for days! Weeks! Months! And you can't close? That's on you!
    • The best line is probably Jess's final line.
    Jess: You want me to sell a bear to get that watch, then goddamn it, I'm gonna bring back the Teddy like I'm fuckin' Roosevelt!
  • "The activities team for a cruise that's just sailed into the river Styx"
    Brennan: [starts dancing in place]
    Jess: Kyle and I have honestly such a fun list of activities and they're welcome to sign up, any of the clipboards you're gonna find in the lobby.
    Brennan: Remember, the commemorative hooka-hooka ice-sculpting contest luau on deck 5 has been cancelled because deck 5 is gone!
    Jess: Gone! Okay, if you want you can sign up for napkin folding I think right now we're gonna do... A three-headed dog!
    Brennan: Ooooh!
    Jess: That's cute, we're leaning into it. We're all dying and dead, but why not party?
    Brennan: Now, we got a lot of suggestions saying "I don't know who I am, I fell in the water and all of my memories are gone".
    Jess: That's right, that's right. And we got a long waiting list for "Do I put these coins on my eyes or in my pockets?"
    Brennan: Haha, Charon the Boatman doesn't care, he will grimly gaze at you as you get on that last ferryride to the underworld.
    Jess: But here's what Kyle and I want you to remember; No matter what we say up here [Brennan and Jess dorkily gesture at each other], ultimately, this is your death!
• "Brennan's Wario, Wennan Wee Wulligan"
  • Brennan gets the prompt "The Ghost of Saint Patrick's Days Past" and puts every ounce of his Irish heritage into it.
    "Roight, Ebenezer Scrooge! [String of utterly incomprehensible vaguely Irish-sounding gibberish] Aaaah ya bastard man!"
    [Brennan mimes downing a glass]
    "My name's Seamus o'Finnegan Ryan McPhee. You must learn the true meaning of Saint Patrick's Day, and what this day was all about when first the blessed saint came to the emerald isle!"
    [Brennan mimes taking Ebenezer back in time]
    "Here is the blessed Saint Patrick driving the [winks and does airquotes] 'Snakes' out of Ireland."
    Brennan stares directly into the camera]
    "He's murdering pagans, Ebenezer Scrooge. He's making the island right for the Lord. The one true lord! Jesus Christ, Ebenezer Scrooge! And you'll learn to live with him in your heart! Or it's to perdition you'll be bound!"
    Switching back to upbeat and dancing
    [Singing] Tippity ta ti-ta-ti-ta...
  • Oscar and Ruha get the prompt 'Two Reindeer Quietly Trash-Talking Santa' and proceed to knock it out of the park.
    Ruha: That was a great ride, boss!
    Oscar: Yeah, Santa, we love you! *pauses* Prancer, the fuck?
    [Sam and Brennan laugh, the latter laughing so hard he momentarily falls to the floor]
    Ruha: I mean, Dancer, like, what was that?
    Oscar: It was messy. It was sloppy. It's the worst Christmas in about 600 years.
    Ruha: *loudly, to someone in the distance* Yes, it was great!
    Oscar: Slay, queen, slay!
    Ruha: *quietly* That landing on that rooftop in Santa Monica.
    Oscar: The way that, you know, we were having like asides, and then like, Blitzen got in on it, and we were all having a kiki, and then Santa's like, 'Ho, do your job!', I was like, excuse me? We are not your elves, honey, we are not your- *louder* Looking cute, Santa Claus!
    Ruha: Oh, we love, you changed into your little robe! Your breaktime robe! Yes, you deserve!
    Oscar: You better work, Santa, you better work *quieter* because you don't, at all, at the workshop.
    Ruha: You don't at all.
    Oscar: And Ms Claus, she ain't loyal.
    Ruha: Are you kidding me?
    Oscar: Yeah.
    Ruha: I mean, with a booty like that?
    Oscar: Right?! He don't pay enough attention to that booty.
    Ruha: He's gonna lose her. He already has.
    Oscar: *at the same time* He already lost.
• Cut For Time (Season 1)
  • Sam gives Ross, Jacquis and Anna a seemingly innocent prompt: "America's Got Talent Judges Judging The Craziest Act They've Ever Seen". Jacquis immediately derails it with a joke that is in such poor taste that it actually results in Sam asking Jacquis if he really wants to put that in the show:
    Jacquis: That was so bad, that, uh...I might put myself back in the slave trade and go back to...
    Anna: What?
    Jacquis: That's how bad it was, man. I might put myself...
    Ross: Was that an option?
    Jacquis: This is so bad that I, you know, I don't wanna be free here no more, because this ain't freedom.
    Ross: I can't believe I'm saying this, but watching what you did also made me want to amend...amend the Constitution.
    Anna: [clearly tapping out and uncomfortable with the joke] I didn't...I don't wanna do that...
• "Shakespeare's Two Gentlement of Coronavirus"
  Brennan: [cough]
  Ross: Rest ye merry, sir. Draw thee hastily not so close in proximal to me. If, indeed, particulants issueth forth from out thy tract.
  Brennan: Hark and well met, jackanape. I see on yon chest thy wearest the button of none other than that brigand, Joseph Biden. Dost thou not knoweth that to mask in public is a fool's errand! Fools that would prance around to think that thinnest paper made wet by the breath, more misty than the fog of Poseidon's sea, should stop the flowing of that disease, which hath been invented.
  Ross: Science moves apace, oh Lord of varlets. But you, who dost thine own research merely to only summon forth that which will bolster up thine own opinion, pre-ordained. I should draw my blade and pierce thee out this Earth, sir, before thou shouldst infect me!
  Brennan: Ha! To see you draw blade? Steel be met with steel then! I know for whom I fight. One Joseph Rogan!
  Ross: For Fauci!
  [They mimic swordfighting]
• "The Wicked Switch Of The West"
  • At the start, Erika points out that Izzy and Brennan have a 2/3 chance of taking the trophy home. Izzy then says that she has a secret apartment that she has affairs in, and the apartment doesn't have a trophy.
  • Brennan gets the prompt "A Dom DM" and immediately throws himself into it.
  Brennan: Get on your knees.
  [Izzy's jaw drops, Erika buries their face in their arms]
  Brennan: So you got a 3. Um, OK, so you try to get on your knees, and you get reaaaally close, and you sort of stumble at the last minute. But, actually, give me a, uh, give me a performance check to see if you can recover. A 1. You open your mouth like a good little girl...
  [Crew members laugh hysterically, Erika hides behind their podium]
  Brennan: And actually, I want you to give me a constitution save so you can resist the little whips and chains. That's right, you do have three levels of exhaustion so you will be rolling with disadvantage. OK, you only take- yeah, you take two hit points of damage, and it feels... you only had two hit points left. Banana, banana, banana, banana!
  • Erika gets the titular prompt and takes Brennan's approach.
    Erika: *slams their hands on the podium* Give me your shoes. You're gonna get down on your knees, and you're gonna put them onto my feet. That's right, nice and slow. Yeah, yeah, you want me to click them together, don't you? Yeah, you'd like that, you dirty little farm girl.
    [Sam gasps, Erika goes back behind the podium]
    Erika: Pweez, daddy, can I please have a heart. Or, like, if you have extra bwains for me. UwU! I don't know. I could absolutely use some courwage and stuff. I promise that I'll be a good little witch for it.^note Spellings are direct from the captions of the episode.
    Sam: Yes!
    Izzy: I thought we were talking about the Game Boy!
  • The first minigame is called 'Name That Sword'. Brennan and Erika are hyped up, while Izzy is dejected until Sam clarifies that they're giving swords creative, fictional names, not trying to name real swords. (The swords in question include one with the blade flopped over lifelessly, one made of ice cream and cones, and one that's a puppet.)
  • Erika asks how many swords Brennan has. Izzy says one, and Brennan tells her that she's wrong. When Izzy asks where they are, Sam jokes that they're in the apartment where he has his affairs, and Brennan says that his affair apartment is just where he keeps his swords.
  • One sword is made out of pizza. Erika says they're going to eat it, and once they've made up names for it...
    Paul: Do you want a bite?
    Erika: Is it really? Oh my God!
    [Erika bolts over to Paul and starts eating the sword]
    Izzy: I just saw someone shake their head, 'no'.
    [Erika freezes with a mouthful of pizza-sword]
    Crew Member: Yes, it is. It's safe.
    [Erika returns to eating the pizza-sword]
  • Erika and Brennan get the prompt 'Two Nerdy Teens Trade Bird Cards'. It goes pretty normally until Izzy jumps in and asks "Hey, do either of you boys wanna fuck?" It just goes downhill from there.
    • One of Brennan's proposed trades is "Twenty roseate spoonbills" for Erika's grackle, calling back to Brennan's failure to identity said bird in Game Changer. A commenter on the YouTube short noted that Brennan clearly still isn't over it.
• "A Love Is Blind Contestant Is Secretly A Horse"
  • Lisa immediately derails everything by calling Sam "Daddy", then claiming that he specifically ordered her to call him that. For the rest of the episode the contestants all call him variants of "Daddy".
  • The titular sketch goes in a wildly unexpected direction while still following the prompt;
    Lisa: Hello? Thomas, are you in there?
    Zac: Taps his hands to indicate clopping hooves
    Lisa: Oh my god, morse code. Do it again?
    Zac: Repeats, and neighs like a horse
    Lisa: ... Are you masturbating?
    Zac: Neighs again
    Lisa: ...okay. Unzips her pants and starts neighing back
    Both neigh for a while
    Zac: ...Are you a horse?

Very Important People

• In episode 6 of Very Important People, Zac (playing a mental health advocate) recounts how he invested 100k dollars and turned it into 16k dollars. Both Zac and Vic Corpse so hard that they have to put up a Technical Difficulties sign because Vic can't get through the next line.

Smartypants

• Birthdays, The Cookout, Vegetables;
  • Grant misreads the room and applauds when Trapp mentions human trafficking awareness day (January 11th). Rekha tells the editors to cut that out, but Trapp insists on keeping it in because the world must know that Grant applauds human trafficking.
  • For the second presentation, about what cartoon characters are invited to the cookout (i.e. allies to african-americans), Demi Adejuyigbe hands Grant several cards with oblivious white people questions since he's the whitest person in the room. After Grant reads one of them, Demi tells him to stop interrupting. One of the notes contains a completely superfluous comment ending in Grant saying he's a white guy and hasn't heard his own voice in a while.
  • Woody is invited to the cookout because he's not gonna talk, he's gonna sit his white ass down and listen. Granny is invited to the cookout because she marched with MLK, which Demi insists that there are pictures of.
  • "Spider-Man needs to start saying the N-word."
    • Later taken further to Spider-Man having a responsibility to say every racial slur.

Other

• In a crossover with Dorkly, cast from both teams play a tabletop RPG as cereal mascots, with Brennan as Tony the Tiger. He proceeds to put every ounce of Black Comedy he can come up with into the role, while never breaking out of his Tony voice.
  "Now hold on there, Fido. From one predator to another, let's talk: Look at your diminished form. You were a wolf once, and now, your muzzle has shortened and you can barely breathe. These bipedal creatures has turned you into a trophy to their own madness. [...] If I was like you, I'd take my own life!"
  "Well, well, well, miller Garland. You've elected the path of pain!"
  "You have selected the role of the hunted, and, againt my will, I shall be your hunter!"
  "Ohohohoho, mister miller Garland. Do you think we fear death?"
  "Before the beginning of time, beings full of malice and hatred were all that existed in a darkness vaster and more incomprehensible than our pitiful language can describe. Concepts that would shatter the mind of a mortal to behold. These gods want nothing more than for all to dissolve into chaos. The inevitable heat death of the universe, where the infinity between all molecules sepparate us from any possible cohesion or understanding. On our way to that utter oblivion, why not have some sugary breakfast cereals? It doesn't matter. These gods do not care, they don't see, they don't love. They're not good... THEY'RRRRRE GREAT!"

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