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Funny / Blogger Beware

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Reader Beware....You're in for some laughs!

As a Moments subpage, all spoilers are unmarked. You Have Been Warned.

  • Pretty much all of the Cry of the Cat review, but especially the fact the book features decapitations, gravedigging, mouse toy collections, repeated mutilations of one feline that just won't die, a tornado made out of cats, and finally ending with both of the protagonists being furries. At one point, the reviewer comments "we're in uncharted territory here, folks."
    • At one point, the main antagonist Rip, a genetically altered undead life-sucking cat, walks on its hind legs, prompting the reviewer to quip: "The ghost cat tornado breaks into the house, led by Rip, who walks on his hind legs down the stairs. That sounds like the cutest horrific thing ever."
  • His epic breakdown in "Bride of the Living Dummy" where, after 4 books of people acting like ventriloquism is cool, rants a bit ending with that kids would pick anything over ventriloquism... short of genocide.
    • Putting "FUCK THIS BOOK" in rainbow colors after the book ends with Jillian, now possessed by Slappy's spirit, vomiting on her twin sisters.
      • To add to the magic, "Look Back in Languor" reveals that the only thing Troy remembers about reviewing the book is that he can't edit that entry without messing up the "FUCK THIS BOOK".
    • "Okay gang, you better take off your shoes because I'm about to blow your socks off. In a stunning finale that encapsulates everything I hate in these books and more, another kid's birthday party arrives."
    • Early on, Jillian decides to enact a plan of revenge against her twin sisters (after they refuse to pass the salt). Here is Troy's commentary on said plan:
      She comes up with a plan of revenge that's about as diabolical as a hug: She'll tie the twins' shoelaces together! Evan Ross, meet your new girlfriend.
    • After every instance of something going against the trends of a normal Goosebumps booknote , Troy belts out "Ghostwriter Alert".
    • In the book, Jillian and Harrison's attempted clown act for a children's birthday party goes horribly wrong, resulting in a kid being blinded with soap. Or, as Troy explains:
      Jillian and Harrison perform their clown act for a four-year-old's birthday party. Only it goes horribly wrong and somehow becomes even worse than a clown act normally is.
    • "In what is I believe a first, Goosebumps readers are exposed to a trailer park and poor people."
      I'm sure all of Stine's low-income readers appreciated their portrayal, but unfortunately he can't hear their comments from high atop his stack of money.
    • Questionable Parenting: "Well, you did blind a child with your clown act. But I guess your ventriloquism act can't possibly go wrong. You're hired!"
  • His constant Rooting for the Empire in Monster Blood and Monster Blood II due to his hatred of Evan.
    • "R.L. Stine Preemptively Sticks It to the Blog Alert" in the Monster Blood II review.
      "Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor," Mr. Ross muttered with a frown.
    • After Andy and Evan decide to return the Monster Blood:
      Um, I seem to remember something about No Refunds, which coincidentally should have been the tagline for this series.
    • He also uses this to stick it to the overuse of dream sequences by giving the Monster Blood review a dream sequence in which Evan leaves the series and Andy becomes the protagonist of the Monster Blood series, and then Evan dies.
    • In the comments of the first review, one anonymous person posted a whole slew of Out of Context Alert-worthy lines, prompting another anon to say that, although some of them were a stretch, he/she didn't mind because it was "Evandy shipping fodder." Troy and the first anon's reactions?
      "Brilliant."
      "To quote Troy Steele: What."
  • From "The Haunted Mask"
    The evil heads fly after her in single-file as she races through the neighborhoods, searching for her head on a stick. Jesus, read that sentence again.
  • After finding out that, after 8 chapters of flashbacks in "Attack of the Jack'O'Lanterns", he's treated to a dream sequence: "Dear R.L. Stine, get fucked."
    • His amazement at R.L. Stine's (probably unintentional) racism.
      Troy: Guys, I know it's been a while since the last Minority Alert, but this one's worth the wait. I'm going to just let the most racist passage in Goosebumps history speak for itself:
      Actual Book Line: Lee is African-American, and he sort of struts when he walks and acts real cool, like the rappers on MTV videos.
      Troy: I know, you're thinking "Well, that's pretty racist, but I was looking for something in Really Racist." How about:
      Actual Book Line: The girls at school all think he's terrific. But I can never understand a word he says.
    • There's also some gold in Drew, Walker, Shana, Shane's list of revenge ideas against Lee and Tabby:
      + Drop fake cobwebs on the two
      + Wait, why is this even a list, that's the ultimate revenge
      + Cut a trapdoor in the living room and have the two drop down into the basement upon arrival. This is vetoed. Not out of impracticality, but because Drew's parents might object to cutting a hole in the living room floor. Hey, maybe they'd also object to their child being held hostage? In Goosebumps World I guess the cops are still busy looking for Kat's dog.
    • Conclusions: If you're a parent, Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns is the perfect Goosebumps book to give your child if you hate them.
  • His repeated attempts to quit during the Gainax Ending of "The Abominable Snowman of Pasadena".
  • The Platonic Boy-Girl Relationship section of "Night Of The Living Dummy III":
    "Trina O'Dell and her younger brother Dan, whose cousin Zane will probably disappear forever halfway through that car ride home."
  • Beware, the Snowman: "Marvel as the book goes from zero to stupid in record time"
  • You Can't Scare Me: BEE THROWING BEE THROWING BEE THROWING
  • How to Kill a Monster:"The gist of the letter goes something like this: "Dear kids, sorry we left but a swamp monster invaded our house and we've been afraid to leave. Now that you're here, we can leave. We went to get help and locked you in so you wouldn't get lost in the swamp. You'll be safe so long as you don't let the monster out. If you let the monster out, you'll have to kill it." The actual letter as written is actually dumber than I've made it sound."
  • His constant referencing of "The one where they turn out to be dogs or something." (My Hairiest Adventure)
    • From the review itself:
      Finally the night of the Battle of the Bands arrives. Luckily, Jared's mother was in the audience and while she ignored the other members of the group, she did capture some excellent footage of her son's performance.
  • The Barking Ghost: "You know, I'm a pacifist and all, but even I want to kick Cooper's ass at this point."
  • Screams in the Night, just Screams in the Night:
    • "It's easy to mock the idea of the stage show in hindsight, and that's good because I intend to do so."
    • The reaction to the existence of Skate.
      Also that kid is named Skate. Skate.
    • "Mr. Gander then helpfully adds that the heart was mummified, revealing he may not understand what words mean."
    • The hypothetical scene between a kid and his mom while seeing the play:
      Kid: "Thanks for buying me a ticket to the scary show mom, all those chores I did to earn it was worth it!"
      (Mr. Gander hands Josh a phone and tells him to "Cross your heart and hope to dial.")
      Kid: "I hate you mom. I'm emancipating like in North, which we saw in movie theaters four years ago. Get it, it's 1998."
    • "If you loved Stay Out of the Basement and wondered why there was never a sequel called Stay Out of the Attic, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is there is and this is it. The bad news is there is and this is it. Oh man, Mr. Gander's rubbing off on me."
    • The instance of Hall of Fame Questionable Parenting: The real Dr. Barton sold his son out to be eaten and the rest of his family to be incubators for alien lizards.
    • "Once more, I simply can do no better than letting the characters speak for themselves:"
      "This place is haunted," Josh insisted. "And if I capture the image of a ghost on Dad's camcorder, I'll get an A in science for sure."
    • "That's right. Monster Blood meets Slappy. Mind = Blown."
    • "So now that the show's wrapping up, everything is going to start making sense, right? You can't see me but I'm nodding my head 'No.'" As well as the followup to this in the comments:
      Commenter: How do you nod your head no?
      Troy: I typed this entry sideways
    • This:
      "It's then revealed that Mr. Gander is a puppet being operated on strings by the giant Monster Blood-affected Slappy, who is in turn being operated by the towering, unseen author. And that author's name was Gore Vidal, and every character starts fucking each other."
  • It Came From Beneath The Sink:
    • "Suddenly a hairy claw pokes out from the darkness and grabs her arm. Kat screams and then realizes it's not a horrible monster, but just her brother in his rat costume. His rat costume."
    • "While tickling her brother, Killer the dog starts barking ferociously at the empty cabinet beneath the sink. The item to inspire Killer's wrath is revealed to be a sponge, in what amounts to a stellar homage to Samuel Fuller's White Dog, only instead of black people, sponges."
    • "Carlo wants to spook his babysitter with the creature, and upon placing the "sponge" in a gerbil carrier, his hand is promptly bitten off. This event comes at the end of a chapter, so I'll let you be the judge as to whether Carlo really did get his hand bitten off or whether he I really shouldn't have to finish this sentence."
      • And then to start the very next paragraph: "Thankfully, after Carlo and Daniel have a good laugh about his prank, Carlo does manage to get hurt, stepping on a nail sticking out of a floorboard in Daniel's bedroom. Of all the boobytraps to get re-enacted by children following the release of Home Alone, somehow this one never occurred to me."
    • After another instance of the "sponge"note  doing creepy stuff:
      I know it's pretty hard to spot the pattern here, so I'll spell out what's going on: their camera is taking pictures of the future!
    • His representation of Kat's plan◊.
    • "Daniel and Carlo go out to look for the dog themselves, as even they at such an early age know 9-1-1 is a joke."
    • "Carlo apologizes and tells Kat that he broke his leg racing bikes with some older boys, and maybe they stole the Grool once it fell onto the ground. His story makes sense because older boys love street sponges."
    • Early 90s Cultural References: Super-soakers, rat costumes
    • Conclusions: Which will I forget first, the book or the amazing pizza party Kat threw for her eleventh birthday?
  • One Day at HorrorLand: "The monster, who refers to himself and his coworkers as "Horrors," tells the family to enjoy complementary entrance to the park. When the time comes, the Horrors will take care of them. Get it, it's ominous. As the family heads inside, a pimp, having misheard the conversation, walks up to the counter and demands entry."
  • After Steve kicks a ball covered in cement and Chuck finds his backpack tarred and feathered in "The Haunted Mask II": "What the hell is this book, really?"
    • While Chuck and Steve enter the costume shop's basement looking for costumes, "Chuck initially expresses some concern that maybe they should Goosebumps #02: Stay Out of the Basement©".
    • R.L. Stine Shows He is Down With the Kids: If there's one thing kids love reading about, it's the elderly.
  • His reaction to all the Ho Yay in "Return to Ghost Camp":
    • After the lead admires a Mark McGuire poster:"It's like it's not even subtext anymore."
    • "I bet thousands-and I'm being generous here- of people read this book and mistook their hatred for it for homophobia when they voted for Prop 8."
    • BEE EATING BEE EATING BEE EATING.
    • Why is There a Horse Skeleton on the Cover Alert: Why is there a horse skeleton on the cover?
  • Despite Troy admitting he had trouble making "Revenge R Us" interesting, there is still humor present:
    • When Wade is in the bathroom drying off from from the earlier scene in the rain (and her brother splashing her by driving into a puddle and dropping her off at her friend's house without an apology), she notices a newspaper ad that will help her out. What is it?
      It's for writing lessons and she mails the clipping to RL Stine c/o Scholastic.
      • "But seriously folks, it's for a revenge business called Revenge R Us. Yes, that's right, for those of you who saw Dirty Work and thought it would make an excellent Goosebumps book, you were wrong."
    • After it was revealed (after Wade's brother, Micah, found her diary and is reading it aloud on the public pool's loudspeaker) that Wade thought hiding it under her mattress was a good spot:
      I don't know what's worse, that she thought that was a good hiding place or that it took her brother a couple months of snooping to find it.
    • After it's revealed that in order for Micah to be un-erased from existence (Wade wanting him back for... some reason), that there's a price involved:
      What's the price? Apparently Maggie the magic crow has a sister named Minnie being held captive by Iris' evil sister in a house on Wade's street. If Wade can go into the house and rescue Minnie, Iris will use the collective power of the two magical birds to bring her brother back to life. Let's all pause and marvel at what I had to write just now.
    • When Wade encounters Iris' sister and it turns out, not even kidding, "she" is actually Micah in drag: Troy reacts accordingly. "Oh Christ me."
    • But The Twist Is: This book didn't end the series.
  • Any of the "Out of Context Alerts".
  • The Questionable Parenting section of Say Cheese and Die!:
    Greg's dad almost kills his entire family by not paying attention to the road, then harps on them for complaining. But he's earned that attitude. After all, he's driving A NEW STATION WAGON, MOTHERFUCKER!
  • From "The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb":
    • "Ahmed declines Uncle Ben's genial offer to go somewhere else and discuss the rampant murders Ahmed has committed."
    • Questionable Parenting: Gabe's father is fat.
    • Questionable Parenting For Sari, Questionable Legal Guardianing for Gabe: Upon being frantically told that Ahmed is going to kill his daughter and nephew, Ben pauses to confirm the story with the murderer.
  • From Stay Out of the Basement: "The kids decide that they should stay in of the basement".
  • The cliffhanger alert for My Best Friend Is Invisible.
    On the floor was nothing.
    Nothing except... Nothing.
  • This moment from Werewolf Skin.
    While driving home from the bus station, Alex tells his aunt and uncle that he would like to dress as a werewolf for Halloween. This news causes Uncle Colin to drive into the incoming lane of traffic and almost get hit by a truck.
  • From The Horror Of Camp Jellyjam, where he mentions how often sports are a part of the books, and this book being the one that's basically a sports camp. The word "sports" is said at least 30 times.
  • From Calling All Creeps, Troy going off on a tangent about how there was a car wash that cost five dollars in 1996.
    Later, when Ricky is given a second chance to get back on the paper, it's Wart and his friends who spray the camera Ricky was using to photograph a school car wash, ruining it. But the school car wash was charging $5 a car, so the way I look at it, if I'm paying that much, they better be ruining cameras for every patron to observe and laugh at to justify that kind of price. I mean, five dollars, what the heck are they thinking? In 1996 money, that is like one and a half George magazines. Allow me to continue dwelling on how expensive a student car wash that is. Five dollars for some stupid punk kids to spray my undercarriage with a garden hose. I could do that for free and spend that money on those popsicles that come in a plastic tube. Five dollars. There's your twist right there folks, And then the car wash cost five dollars.
  • The Overly Long Gag from the review of The Headless Ghost where Troy tells the story of how Hill House got haunted at least four times. But in case you missed it:
    The house was built two hundred years ago by a sea captain. On the day construction finished, the captain was called out to sea, leaving his wife behind in the big dark house all by herself. He never came back from his voyage in the flesh, but a year after he left, his ghost appeared in the house to see his bride. Calling out "Annabel!" over and over, he got no response, as his wife had fled the house in his absence. Over the next hundred years, families would report hearing the ghost crying out for his Annabel until the day the Craw family moved in. Thirteen year-old Andrew Craw was a nasty child who would play tricks on his servants and throw cats out of windows. Andrew discovered a secret room in the house. Inside the secret room he found a lit lantern and the ghost of the sea captain. Apparently ghosts can age because the sea captain now sported a long white beard and curved fingernails. Andrew tried to escape the ghost's clutches, but the sea captain was irate that his hiding place has been discovered, and so in retribution he pulled off Andrew's head and hid it in the house. What. The ghost of the sea captain hollered out for Annabel one more time and then disappeared, leaving behind a new ghost in the mansion, Andrew. Andrew still haunts Hill House, searching every room for his missing head.
  • Troy claiming that Inception is an adaptation of I Live In Your Basement, one of his favourites. He then followed that up in Slappy's Nightmare by giving Inception's ending as the Twist.
  • From his review of "Chicken Chicken", we have this gem:
    Vanessa whispers "Pig pig" and I literally threw the goddamn book across the room.
    • "I will be perfectly honest with you, Blogger Beware reader, I had a lot of trouble coming up with things to say about this book that weren't just a string of swears and empty threats against the author."
    • Later, in his "How I Learned to Fly" review, he asks his readers to come up with some joke answers as to who would sponsor the climatic race "to the tune of a six zeroesnote ". The prize he offers for the best one is the ashes of his former copy of "Chicken Chicken".
  • Whenever Troy does a quiz instead of a review (on the prospect that the book in question is easily predictable), some of the choices given are hysterical. To name a few:
    • From Monster Blood III:
    • From Fright Camp:
      • 01. Protagonists Andrew and Tyler's parents start the summer right by telling their children
        D. Off, those lousy stinking kids
      • 03. On the bus ride to the questionably named Fright Camp, the siblings get excited by:
        A. The prospect of an Arts and Crafts Cabin From Hell.
      • 06. The campers are warned by the counselors against playing in the awkwardly worded
        D. Scary Raccoon Trash Can Book Cover Fun Area
      • 07. One jokester scares his fellow campmates by pretending his hand is caught in a:
        A. Hunny pot, only to be mauled by an angry bear.
      • 13. Yes, Fright Camp fulfills the unwritten requirement that every Series 2000 book must contain vomiting. What induces the act this time?
        A. A poorly-timed visit to the Swift Kick To The Midsection Cabin
        B. Bunk Three decides they can take on Ed "Cookie" Jarvis in the camp's hot dog eating contest.
      • 15. After things get more and more dangerous, RB Farraday hires:
        D. Illegal immigrants, in a confused attempt to frighten the campers with UFOs.
      • 16. The threat of being shot doesn't deter some campers from attempting to leave, so Farraday has the staff remove what?
        D. All of the children. What isn't there can't escape.
      • 18. One camper's mom comes to rescue her son but fails. How does she meet her sad fate?
        D. Trips and falls in the parking lot, figures "Screw this," turns around and heads back home.
    • From The Werewolf in the Living Room:
      • 07. Ever the canon-changer, RL Stine presents yet more new ways to stop a werewolf in this, his eighteenth book about werewolves. Which of the following new methods actually appears in the novel?
        D. Not D.
      • 12. Aaron's dad keeps Ben locked in a cage in his living room, despite the fact that Ben insists:
        A. The room he's being held in is technically the den.
        B. He's pretty sure it's still considered kidnapping even if you think the person you're kidnapping is a mythical creature.
      • 19. Aaron's dad almost kills his werewolf son. What stops him?
        A. Killing children still [being] illegal in all fifty states
        D. The sudden realization that there's no such job as "Werewolf hunter".
      • 20. Aaron saves Werewolf Ben from being shot, only to discover that Aaron's dad:
        A. Forgot to put bullets in his weapon. The werewolf then easily ducks the unloaded gun after Aaron's dad throws it at his head.
        B. Is an undercover werewolf who is in too deep to blow his cover.
        C. Is willing to turn both werewolves over to the proper science authorities, which I guess is something which exists in this book.
        D. Doesn't really care about werewolves anymore. He's more into Transformers now. And dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are neat!
      • EXTRA CREDIT. What is Aaron's solution to all of his problems?
        B. Cut a bitch.
  • Troy's reaction to the short story "Something Strange About Marci":
    There is absolutely nothing I can say about this short story that can beat just posting the last line without comment. So here it is, make up your own story: "That's when I realized that Marci wasn't an orangutan."
    • One commenter who had read the story claimed that it actually makes less sense in context.
      • As for the context itself? The story is about the narrator and his friends noticing a new girl, Marci, who is observing them from afar. The twist is that Marci's actually a scientist and the narrator and his friends... were actually orangutans the whole time.
  • Troy drawing attention to the dumb tagline of Don't Go to Sleep: "Rise and Shine. Forever." ("What does that even mean?"). A couple of commenters noted that "Forever" can make anything sound vaguely sinister, with one comparing it to Sideshow Bob's "I'll stay away from your son alright. Stay away... ''forever''".
  • From the review for the first Horrorland book "Revenge of the Living Dummy":
    The girls successfully bury the doll and face the raccoons and blah blah blah, time passes and Britney gives a painting lesson to a group of shut-ins at an old folks home. They heckle her. It's great. Then Ethan presents his Mr. Badboy show for the elderly and no points awarded for figuring out what happens next: Mr. Badboy tells a series of mean-spirited jokes aimed at upsetting the geriatrics (Sample bit: "Q: What's the biggest difference between Cocoon and Cocoon 2: the Return? A: YOU'RE GOING TO DIE SOON") before the doll starts chucking paint at the hobbled elders. Haha, take that, age!
    • Conclusions: Why.
  • From "Brain Juice":
    Being asked to advertise breakfast cereals and sneakers and getting chased by the government for testing would hit a lot stronger if it wasn't lifted directly from How I Learned to Fly. Of course, when you're already ripping off Flowers for Algernon, I guess stealing from a book you at least wrote is the lesser evil.
  • From "Triple Header: Book 2":
    • From "Ghoul School":
      • "At lunch, Liam sits with a kid who outside of wearing a dog collar seems normal, until he starts barking like a — yep, you guessed it, like a seal."
      • When bringing up how Liam is forced to eat dirt at one point: "This makes Peanuts so much more terrifying now."
      • Following that, when mentioning how Liam is forced to change into a monster: "He musters up all his effort and...◊"
      • "Liam tries to get out of the engagement by arguing that he has an existing conflict at midnight, as that's when the scarecrow walks."
      • "Liam's dad secretly works for PUMS, the Police Undercover Monster Squad and thanks to Liam, the cops can finally shut down the monster school. Oh, now the story makes complete sense— ON OPPOSITE DAY."
      • Conclusions: This is exactly why I should save judgments like "Least plausible Goosebumps book ever" for when I really need them.
    • From "The Revenge":
      • Concerning Cory, the bully: "Who is this kid, George Wallace's nephew?"
      • Concerning Amelia's... lackluster use of astral-projection: "I guess Amelia and I have different concepts of what $100 is worth." For the record, his idea consists of using six 10 minute trips "to make one pass of an all-you-can-eat restaurant."
      • And when her plans don't work: "Gee, I can't imagine how that whole 'Piss off the already pissed-off bully' plan failed."
      • When Cory (also in astral form) reveals that he plans on using up Amelia's remaining 10 astral minutes so she can't return to her body: "I'll give Astral-Cory credit, he is truly the biggest asshole in Goosebumps history.".
      • Questionable Teaching: Cory's science teacher Mr. Stockwell lost an eye while in the military. I assume he calls in sick for the peripheral vision lesson.
    • From "The Mummy With My Face":
  • The response to the teacher in Say Cheese and Die - Again! being such a jerk to a magically-fattened Greg: "I wasn't aware middle school teachers had tenure".
  • The Questionable Parenting section for Return to Horrorland, which addresses how the parents allow their children to go back to a very dangerous amusement park, in exchange for a lot of money.
    I guess $10,000 is enough to buy two replacement kids.
  • Bees?
    • Beads.
  • The Running Gag in his review of "The Ghost Sitter", where Troy keeps name-dropping Tom Hanks films.
    "As they pour the gross stuff out, they make sure the slop is Cast Away from them so as to not Splash and make a Big mess."
    • Some are less subtle, believe it or not:
      "The siblings are then informed that the house they are living in is the haunted one, making their diagnosis The Terminal."note 
  • A meta one: during the Official Book Description of "Night of the Living Dummy", it's mentioned how by Kris getting her own dummy (out of jealousy of her sister, Lindy, getting Slappy), "[s]he'll show Kris".
    (That's not a typo up therenote , Kris is gonna show Kris.)
    • After Kris asks why Lindy would name the dummy she found "Slappy", Lindy threatens to slap her.
      Well, what a quaint little story we have going here.
    • At one point, Lindy and Kris walk in on their mom reading a Stephen King book, which Troy posits is "probably even more embarrassing than being interrupted while masturbating."
    • The entirety of the Questionable Parenting section. To whit:
      Mr. Powell begins crying while peeling onions. Since I passed third grade science, I can tell you that it's cutting, not peeling, an onion which prompts tears. Mr. Powell must have some serious emotional stuff going on that drove him to Portland. This of course is all explored in RL Stine's soul-searching series of books for adults, Grownups. "Reader Beware, You're Over Forty Years Old!"
    • Troy describes the scene where Kris discovers that Mr. Wood is in the kitchen despite the fact that she and Lindy buried him the previous night by emulating the ending verse of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas".
      Now Lindy! Now Barky! Now Mother and Father! / Oh come now and save me from this 'triloquist bother!
    • After Mr. Wood gets crushed, Lindy and Kris take advantage of the green gas that comes out of him and use it to debunk global warming.
    • "Back at home, Mr. Powell tells Kris her doll is going back to the pawnshop to live peacefully amongst the personal belongings of drug addicts."
    • Troy acknowledges that this book contained something that make him shiver (the first time that's happened in the blog's run). What is it? Lindy revealing she worked out a "rap routine" with Slappy. (shivers)
  • The "But The Twist Is◊" section of the "Let's Get Invisible" reviewnote .
  • From "The Blob That Ate Everyone":
  • Troy's understated reaction to a joke in Welcome To Dead House:
    "We used to live in your house. And now we're dead in your house!"
    Troy: Holy smokes.
  • After two long years, Troy came back with a post concerning a certain upcoming and anticipated book-to-film adaptation: "Jenny's Wedding".
  • The entirety of the "Be Afraid- Be Very Afraid" recap:
    • "LET ME FINISH THE STORY." and the paragraph that follows.
    • Stelks: Stelks
    • The Platonic Boy-Girl Relationships: tl;dr
  • To give you an idea of how overblown the "Cuckoo Clock of Doom" review was with Juno references, this is what "Breeder Beware", a fan-compiled reference guide, had to say about the entry:
    #28 The Cuckoo Clock of Doom
    YOU KNOW WHAT. JUST CATCH THE MOVIE AND NOD WISTFULLY WHEN SOMETHING SEEMS FAMILIAR.
    • "RL Stine was never a stripper, so naturally the Cuckoo Clock of Doom can't be anywhere near as good as the Golden Globe-nominated Juno, In Theaters Now, but this book is exceedingly dull and uneventful."
    • After ending the review by revealing that Michael accidentally prevented his sister's birth, something that would be mentioned in "But the Twist Is"note , the actual "But the Twist Is" section is just Troy complaining that the book didn't end similarly to Juno and have Mona and Michael singing a Moldy Peaches song.
    • The Platonic Boy-Girl Relationship: Michael Webster and his little sister, who disappears forever halfway through the book.
  • Troy's first words on "Ghost Beach"?
    Stay with me guys because this one is a little hard to follow since every character has the same name.
    • Troy goes mental over the book opening with a dream sequence.
      It's all over it's all over it's all a dream.
      A DREAM.
      R.L. STINE STARTED OUT A BOOK WITH A DREAM SEQUENCE.
      A DREAM.
      THE BOOK BEGINS WITH A DREAM SEQUENCE.
    • After Jerry and Terri Sadler meet Sam, Nate and Louisa Sadler (who just so happen to have the same freckle pattern as Jerry and Terri):
      Hmmmmmmm. If this seems like a lot of characters (with no identifiable differentiating characteristics besides their respective ages) for our heroes to run into, you're right. And no there's no big reason to have them all, even after the big reveal, they're just there. Maybe R.L. Stine gets paid by the character.
    • In regards to The Sadler Trio telling the siblings that "a spectre of light" can be sometimes spotted in a nearby cave:
      Later in the book Brad attempts to convince the Sibling Duo that this glowing is merely the northern lights. In a cave. No really, that's his explanation.
      • Later on, Jerry and Terri go into the cave and see the light's source is... ...the northern lights?
        It turns out Brad was right. Except no, it's actually being caused by the candles being lit by a creepy old man with long white hair and a thin gaunt body who lives in the cave.
    • "Then, finally, to prove that the kids are ghosts to the other kids (gosh, this is all so confusing)[.]"
    • Troy is so fed up with the rhyming nature of Jerry and Terri's names, that this makes up half of the "Questionable Parenting" section, the other half being about how they were sent to stay with murderous ghosts. "Now, I've never read any child-rearing books, but I'm pretty sure that's some real shitty parenting right there."
    • Foreshadowing Alert: Brad and Agatha tell the two siblings that they'd find their names on a gravestone if they looked. Hey, way to cover your ass.
  • In "The Phantom of the Auditorium", it's mentioned the fifth grade did a performance of Guys and Dolls last year.
    A lot of fifth grade classes put on a production of Guys and Dolls, that's what makes this believable.
    • Troy takes an immediate liking to Brooke and Zeke:
      When Brooke and Zeke go to look at the cast list for the new, "scary" play the sixth grade class is putting on, Brooke discovers a note pinned to the board telling her that she has been suspended. Brooke believes this because she is unbelievably stupid. Zeke reveals he's equally stupid by taking pride in having set up the "joke." Hey RL Stine, can anyone but these two be the main characters of this book?
    • After it is mentioned that a student found a copy of The Phantom of the Opera someone left behind when the school was first built "72 awfully specific years ago" (which led to the school performing it, the kid going missing, and the play never being performed again since):
      I don't want to be one of those internet people who points out mistakes, but why would anyone think this made sense if the school had just been built? Who left it, thespian contractors?
    • The new kid Brian is so obviously the ghost, Troy keeps mentioning this at every opportunity.
      I wonder who the Phantom coulBrian.
      • Come the end of the book:
        They come across the very first yearbook in the school's history and
        But the Twist Is: ...The boy in the yearbook is Brian. OMG LIKE NO WAY.
    • Behold: the crowning achievement of the review:
      There's even a fresh bowl of corn flakes on a table, and they flakes aren't soggy yet so the Phantom must be near! The Corn Flakes aren't soggy yet, so the Phantom must be near. I still can't believe that sentence needed to be written by me. Amazing.
    • "After pushing really hard on the door for several minutes, they realize the door opens in, not out. What."
    • R.L. Stine Shows He is Down With the Kids: Brooke talks about watching Friday the 13th. That movie's Rated R, Stine. No wonder parent groups wanted you banned, you sick fuck.
  • During the "More Tales to Give You Goosebumps" review, instead of actually discussing "The Werewolf's First Night", Troy turns it into a four step How To for writing a Goosebumps story.
    • All "Something Fishy" gets is a embedded video of "I Wish I Were A Fish".
    • Because of "You Gotta Believe Me!"'s Stanley not being allowed to watch TV, Troy reinterprets the story as taking place in Soviet Russia.
      The boy tries to tell his parents of his experience over breakfast the next morning, but his father, distraught from the news of local plant shutting its doors on the unionized workers, speaks only to his son of "Another defeat for the workers."
      • "His plan is successful, proving that there ain't no party like the communist party cuz the communist party stops aliens."
    • During the "Dr. Horror's House of Video" discussion:
    I dunno, a plant that gets people high...who'd ever believe that?
    • "The store is closed but Ben goes in anyways, since breaking and entering in the Goosebumps world is about as frowned upon as MDMA use in Skins."
    • If you want any more proof that Troy was taking the piss with this review, this is how "Dr. Horror's House of Video" ends according to him:
      Unfortunately, before Ben can Gerwig out for Dr. Horror, the entire cast of the General Mills Breakfast Brigade descends on the boy and is suddenly dawns on him that hey, wait a minute, slasher-style horror movies only serve to fuel misanthropic misogynistic angst on the part of the viewer by feeding into their basest fantasies borne out of social rejection.
    • All Troy has to say about "Poison Ivy" is:
      Leave it be.
  • This comment on "Be Afraid—Be Very Afraid!":
    "Hey, 'Zarwid' is an anagram for 'wizard.'" Wait, does that mean "Drab Barf Aid? Aye, If Ever!" is the real title we're supposed to take away from this book?
  • From "Are You Terrified Yet?"
    Conclusions: No, but that's okay.
  • One of the very first entries in the blog, concerning "Egg Monsters From Mars", is an extremely dry recap of the book, with the plot being summarized within an entire paragraph. After finishing the entirety of the original Goosebumps series, Troy mentions in his retrospective that considered revisiting the first five books he covered, and covering them in his modern style. Except for this book, which he believes has the entry it deserves.
  • The entry on "The Legend of the Lost Legend" opens with what can only be described as a rare text example of a Gilligan Cut:
    With the Legend of the Lost Legend, Scholastic Publishing clearly asked RL Stine to cater his books towards real problems modern kids might face. Siblings Marissa and Justin are lost in the Antarctica and searching for their scientist/explorer Dad.
  • When a fan on Reddit asked R. L. Stine himself if he's heard of Blogger Beware, Stine replied by saying, "They sure are critical, aren't they? Cringe cringe."

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