Funny / Bad Boys II

• Marcus ruining the "Bad Boys" theme song by scatting hilariously.
  Mike: Dude, you gotta learn the words.
  Marcus: We usually only do the chorus.
• Marcus's Oh, Crap! reaction getting Shot in the Ass near the end of the rally shootout. And the high pitched girly scream he lets out.
  • This quip after he gets shot in the ass:
    Police officer: The radios were fucked up. Get some medics over here. You guys okay?
    Mike: Yeah, we're fine.
    Marcus: What you mean, "we"? Motherfucker shot me in the ass, man.
    Mike: Who shot you in the ass?
    Marcus: Who? That "who" would be you.
    Mike: Me? I shot you?
    Marcus: Yeah.
    Mike: I mean, I was shooting. Yeah, I did a lot of shooting. But I ain't saying I shot you in the ass. I ain't saying I didn't shoot you...but, damn! Somebody shot you in the ass.
    Marcus: Tell me about it.
    Mike: Yo, man, how's it feel?
    Marcus: It's hot, man. I can smell my ass burning.
    Reyes: Yo, Mike, why don't you just give it a little kiss so it'll feel better?
    Vargas: Hey, just pretend we're not even here.
    Marcus: Hey, isn't Ricky Martin having a concert? Get the fuck on!
    Reyes: You always gotta go racial, man.
    Vargas: It's sad, man.
• "Whoosah!"
  • Marcus has a therapy session in which he's annoyed at the therapist for insisting that he's angry.
  Marcus: I don't know what the fuck you talking about.
  Therapist: [without raising her voice] Yes, you do know what the fuck I'm talking about.
  • Mike's therapy session... is him having sex with a younger, more attractive therapist than Marcus'.
  Marcus: Mike, you go to therapy to get your issues worked out... not bang your therapist.
  Mike: See, now you just talking nasty.
  • The flashback to Marcus attending group therapy where they're all a bunch of middle aged people repeating "Whoosah!".
    Mike: A bunch of men hugging and kissing, that's some cult shit.
• During the highway chase/shootout, Marcus is firing back at the Haitians, and when he gets back in the car, he accidentally opens fire on the car's dashboard.
  Mike: Oh, man, what the f—?! What- what- what are you doing, man?!
  Marcus: That's my bad.
  Mike: Shoot outside! Pay attention to what you're doing!
  • During the chase, the Haitians are shoving cars off an 18-wheeler that is towing them, to block Marcus and Mike. Mike tells Marcus to relax, who freaks out and puts his head out the window just as one of the cars soars over his head!
    Mike: WHOOOOO! That was a flip!
    Marcus: That muthafucka flipped!
    Mike: Oh, that one puckered up my butthole!
    Marcus: Almost fucking crushed my head!
  • The end of Marcus's rant at his sister after the massive car chase. After she won't tell him any information about her undercover case investigating Johnny Tapia, he threatens her with this:
  Marcus: "Oh, I'm Miami PD now? You'd forgotten I'm your big brother, huh? You know what, Syd, that shit you did was reckless, it was stupid, and it was dangerous. 'K? I'm telling mommy."
  • During their meeting with Howard after the chase/shootout, Mike gets a call about the damage done to his car.
    Mike: $21,000? What?! Oh, kiss my black ass! It was the dashboard!
    • The captain discovering a boat is on the list of damages.
      Howard: 22 cars... and a boat, totaled?! How did you sink a boat?
      Mike: (confused) ...We didn't sink it.
      Howard: (cue quick tantrum)
  • Mike tries to get the Police Department to cover the damages to his car and Howard immediately shuts him down.
• The whole Haitian shootout scene is Black Comedy at its finest.
  Blondie Dread: Who dat? Who dat in my house?!
  Mike: I'm the devil, who's asking?
  Blondie Dread: The devil is not welcome herrrrre!
  Marcus: (to Mike) You gotta call yourself "the devil" in his house?! Shit!
• The attempted private talk about Marcus' erection problems (after getting Shot in the Ass) in the TV store... where everyone heard them anyway.
  Angry mother: (to the store manager) In front of my babies, you got porno and homo shows up in here? What kind of freak-ass store is this?! (to Marcus and Mike, as they're walking out) Hmm, and you two motherfuckers need Jesus! (to her children) Cover your ears, baby.
  • Before that, we get this:
  Marcus: My ass still hurts from what you did to it the other night.
  Angry mother: (immediately presses her kids' heads against her while covering their ears) Oh, my Lord! (walks away with them)
  • Especially since... well, having one's erectile dysfunction aired out in public isn't fun. But the way they are talking about it, out of context, makes it sound like they are a gay couple and it came from some really rough sex, Marcus is pouring his issues out to Mike, who's acting like an emotionally abusive boyfriend.
  Camp Gay Bystander: That poor man is just pouring his heart out!
  Mike: (to Marcus) From now on, you cannot say the word "flaccid" to me.
  Another bystander: He's a mean fuck.
  • Also:
  Marcus: I can't even get an erection.
  Kid with ice cream cone: What's an erection?
  • The store employee takes the opportunity to demonstrate a sound system:
  Mike: (voice amplified and booming through the room) ...about what I did to your ass, but...
• Tapia has a rat problem at his mansion and they are eating his mountains of cash.

  Carlos: It's not good, boss.

  Tapia: (notices rats eating his money) Oh, my God. (fires at the rats) Fucking ratones eating my fucking money! Carlos, this is a stupid fucking problem to have. But it is a problem nonetheless. Rat fuckers.

  Carlos: Rat fuckers.

• The Reggie scene. That is all.
  Mike: You ever make love to a man?
  Reggie: No.
  Mike: Do you want to?
  Reggie: [trembling] No sir.
• Mike and Marcus one-upping Vargas and Reyes with the racist jokes.
  Vargas: Listen, we're thinking about ordering a little bit of lunch.
  Reyes: Should we put you down for a bucket of extra crispy and a couple of grape sodas?
  (Everyone laughs)
  Marcus: [sarcastically mocking Reyes] A couple of grape sodas.
  Mike: Hey, isn't it low tide?
  Marcus: Y'know, I think it is.
  Mike: Don't you have some relatives that you need to go pick up?
  Reyes: Hey, that's not cool, man.
  Vargas: You went too far on that one, man.
• Marcus learns something important while investigating the attic in Tapia's mansion: rats fuck just like humans.
• Marcus accidentally getting high on X. To clarify: while at the mortuary, searching the coffins and corpses for the drugs and money, Mike finds a bag of X in one of the corpses and tosses it to Marcus, who catches it. Unfortunately, two X pills fall into a glass... which Marcus grabs, fills with water, and drinks it, completely unaware of the pills that he now consumed.
  Marcus: This is a nice fish, y'know. Big fuckin' eyes, but a nice fuckin' fish.
• Granted, it was after losing the coffin and killing their only lead in self-defense after a very loud and very public firefight, but Captain Howard's rant at the two when he pulls up on the scene is somewhat hilarious.
  Capt. Howard: "I can't believe you guys. Do you get up in the morning, call each other up - 'Good morning, Marcus.' 'Good morning, Mike.' 'How you doin'?' 'A'ight.' 'So, how are we going to fuck up the captain's life today?' 'Gee, I don't know, I don't know... Ooh, look! Over there. Let's kill three fat people and leave them on the street!'
  • And Mike's half-hearted excuse?
    Mike: Captain, those men were dead before we ran them over.
    Howard: It doesn't matter whether they were dead or not, goddamn it!