Characters / My Dad Wrote a Porno

Steeles Pots & Pans

Belinda Blumenthal

Belinda Blumenthal is the eponymous protagonist of the Belinda Blinked saga of erotic novels by Rocky Flintstone. She is the international sales director of Steeles Pots & Pans, the second-largest distributor of pots and pans in Europe. Forms one-third of the "Glee Team" along with Giselle and Bella.

• Alliterative Name: Belinda Blumenthal.
• Bad Boss: Belinda considers herself to be the "greatest boss in British kitchenware", but in reality, she's generally rather rude, condescending, or generally unprofessional to her regional sales managers.
• Captain Obvious: She has a habit of making fairly obvious observations:
  Tony: This could be worth millions to the company.
  Sir James: Billions!
  Belinda: And that's the reason someone wants to steal the blueprints! They want to make the money, rather than us!
• Dude, Where's My Respect?: A running theme in book 6 is Belinda being subjected to this after her kidnapping. Losing her job position to Bella and having her previous contributions largely ignored by the workforce. After saving the company and getting Bisch arrested Sir James Godwin berates her and tells her he has no intention of giving Belinda her old job back. This is what finally sets her off into taking over Bisch's company
• Informed Attribute: We're supposed to believe that she's a skilled saleswoman who changed Steele's for the better, but she never does anything but sleep with random people. Her deal with Jim Sterling winds up with her promising him a quantity of cookware that Steele's can't even fulfill, and right after that incident, she gives away 20,000 woks for free, presumably costing her company over half a million dollars. She also regards herself as a good worker and kind boss, but she rarely does any actual work and is openly rude to her underlings.
• Oh, My Gods!: Belinda frequently swears by "the Norse gods", implying that she's pagan.
• Really Gets Around: This being an erotic novel, most of the characters tend not to have very high standards for sexual partners. Since Belinda is the protagonist, though, she has certainly had the broadest range of bedfellows out of any character in the series.
• Small Name, Big Ego: She tends to be rather haughty about her position and her business accomplishments, despite being merely a sales executive for a pots and pans company. That said, the world tends to agree with her on her awesomeness.
• The Stoic: She's not generally prone to extremes of emotion.

Bella Candida Ridley, a.k.a. Donna

Bella starts the series out as the receptionist at Steeles Pots & Pans but later gets promoted to key account manager. Forms one third of the "Glee Team" along with Belinda and Giselle.

• Big Eater: She is frequently described as eating or drinking. Before her and Belinda's visit to Forster's of Knightsbridge, she eats several bacon sandwiches and then drinks several bottles of champaigne at the shop.
• Brainless Beauty: She's not very smart by most appearances, but she's implied to be stunningly beautiful.
• The Dilbert Principle: She is promoted to key account manager despite her extreme stupidity. Tony and Belinda cite her great tits as a reason for her deserving the promotion.
• Disney Death: She is left comatose for a while after Giselle and George's bombing of the Steeles' car park at the end of book 4, but she recovers in book 5 and ends up none the worse for wear.
• Girl Posse: She forms one third of the "Glee Team" along with Belinda and Giselle.
• Hard-Drinking Party Girl: She likes a drink and frequently gets piss drunk while partying, or in business affairs, with Belinda.
• Really Gets Around: Much like Belinda, she is not particularly discerning when it comes to sexual partners.
• Valley Girl: She comes off as a British variant of this stereotype, albeit with a thick Essex accent as portrayed by Jamie.
• Vocal Evolution: In the first book, Jamie did not portray Bella with a distinctive voice. Starting with the chapter "The Fitting Bit" in book 2, he started reading her lines in a rather screechy Essex accent to accentuate her stupidity. After coming up with this voice, his portrayal of Bella has gotten gradually louder and more exaggerated, to the point that Bella's initial voice from book 2 seems subdued by comparison.

Giselle Sylvester, née Maarschalkerweerd de Klotz

The Flemish personal assistant to Tony, Steeles' managing director. Later becomes Tony's wife and is promoted to key account manager. She is revealed at the end of book 4 to be "the Special One", a mole working for Bisch-Herstellung to steal the blueprints to Steeles' tri-oxy brillo range. Forms one third of the "Glee Team" along with Belinda and Bella.

• Anti-Villain: Ultimately turns out to have betrayed Steeles to save her mother's life. She's less comfortable with villainy than George is, and ultimately turns good again when given the chance.
• The Baroness: She's portrayed as the Sexpot variant in book five, after betraying Steeles' Pots and Pans.
• Family-Values Villain: She betrays Steeles in order to raise money to pay for treatment against her mother's illness. Emphasized earlier when she says "friends don't cut the mustard when it comes to family. Yes, family.
• Marriage of Convenience: She marries Tony in order to get closer into the company as part of her deep cover as a spy for Herr Bisch.
• The Mole: She is the Special One, as revealed at the end of book four.
• Sexy Secretary: She starts off as one to Tony the managing director, and later becomes his wife.
• Sleeping Their Way to the Top / Sleeping with the Boss: She enters a relationship with Tony and eventually marries him. In return, she is promoted to key account manager.
• Walking Spoiler: It is difficult to discuss Giselle without spoiling the reveal of her as The Mole in book 4.

Tony Sylvester

The managing director of Steeles Pots & Pans. He interviews and hires Belinda in the first book and later becomes Giselle's husband.

• Cain and Abel: The Abel to his brother George's Cain.
• The Generic Guy: The hosts have sometimes commented on Tony's blandness, and called him a "shit part" that none of their Footnotes guests are even interested in playing.
• Lousy Lovers Are Losers: Strangely for an erotic novel, Tony is implied at various points to be an unsatisfying lover. This is already implied by the fact that Giselle's hair does not fall out during their relationship or marriage despite her "genital disease", and Giselle later muses that she enjoys receiving cunnilingus from Spooner much more than sleeping with Tony. Maeve also later laughs at Tony for his "sexual ineptitude".
• Military Brat: Tony, his father and his brother George all have a military background.

Sir James Godwin

An aged knight of the realm, and the CEO of Steeles Pots & Pans. Also the patron of the famed Asses and Donkeys Trust.

• Author Avatar: In the Q&As, Rocky at one point states that he relates to Sir James the most out of any character in the series.
• The Bluebeard: In one of the Q&As, Rocky states that his third wife, the heiress to Steeles Pots & Pans, died in a parachuting accident when her parachute failed to open. The hosts speculate that Sir James himself was responsible for her death in order to inherit the business.
• Dirty Old Man: In a series where most everyone is dirty to say the least, being an old man makes Sir James this by default.
• Dark and Troubled Past: In one of the Q&As, Rocky states that Sir James, among other things, used to be a drug baron in Venezuela and had to deliver a baby in the middle of the Amazon.
• Gold Digger: He married the heiress to Steeles Pots & Pans, who tragically died afterwards.

Des Martin

The Regional Sales Manager for London and Home Counties. A rather unfortunate chap whose wife walks out on him in book 2, and his life only goes downwards from there.

• Butt-Monkey: The hosts and many of the guests have described Des Martin as "one of the saddest characters in all of literature". After his wife walks out on him in book 2, Des is generally treated as sad and pathetic by the characters and the narrative, being described as living in a tiny bedsit. Even the narration describes him as living an "empty life".
• Character Development / Characterization Marches On: Des's sheer patheticness is not evident in the first book. The hosts have noted that in later writing Des as a sad loser wreck of a man, Rocky inadvertently created a character arc for him and made him arguably the most dynamic character in the books.
• Defector from Decadence: He used to work for Bisch-Herstellung, a rival cookware company run by a literal Super Villain. He left due to disliking their business ethos.
• Mall Santa: A variation where he dresses up as Santa Claus at Steeles' office at Christmas.
• Sleeping with the Boss: Des lusts after, and eventually has sex with, Belinda, his immediate superior. She makes sure that he never forgets her position by insisting that he continue to address her as "boss" while engaged in sex.

Ken Dewsbury

The Regional Sales Manager for Central and Northern England. A northerner who owns property in Leeds, including a basement flat that he uses as a sex dungeon.

• Basement-Dweller: He owns a basement flat in Leeds that Belinda speculates he uses as a "knocking shop" on a good weekend. He has it wired with cameras to capture footage of his conquests.
• Oop North: Jamie portrays Ken with a stereotypically Northern accent.
• Parallel Porn Titles: He apparently likes to make these. He at one point fantasizes about fashioning his footage of naked Belinda into porno versions of his favourite TV shows (namely Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones and dinnerladies).

Patrick O'Hamlin

The Regional Sales Manager for Scotland and Ireland.

• Hypercompetent Sidekick: The hosts note that he must be the most capable of the RSMs considering that he has two entire countries as his region.
• Oireland: What little personality he has amounts to an Irish national stereotype.

Dave Wilcox

The Regional Sales Manager for the Western UK.

• Flat Character: Unlike the other RSMs, he has no characterization to speak of.
• Out of Focus: He has the least focus out of all the RSMs and is even absent from the RSM meeting in book four. He reappears in a small walk-on role in the fifth book, taking part in a Strip Poker party along with the other male Steeles employees.

Jim Thompson

The Sales Administration Manager of Steeles Pots & Pans and the company's resident "Mr. Fixit".

• Ambiguously Gay / Ambiguously Bi: Belinda implies that he may be gay or bisexual in book four. In a series where all women are bisexual and all men are straight, this makes him stand out from the rest.
• Mr. Fixit: He is referred to as the "Mr. Fixit" of the organization. This is rather an Informed Attribute, though, and Alice notes that things tend to just get worse when he shows up.

Bill from HR

The Human Resources Manager of Steeles Pots & Pans.

• Creator's Pest: Alice (one of the show's hosts) hates Bill for some reason and considers him her "archnemesis".
  James: You're obsessed with Bill.
  Alice: I have a healthy interest in Bill!
• The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: For a human resources manager, he seems to play little role in picking out or promoting potential employees. Bella in particular is promoted on a whim by Belinda and Tony, while Bill remains totally silent and passive.
  Jamie: Bill's the worst human resources manager ever.
  Alice: He's the worst human ever.
• Out of Focus: He appears at Belinda's job interview at the start of the first book but is immediately Demoted to Extra afterwards, something the hosts comment on from time to time.

Maeve

Bella's replacement as the receptionist at Steeles.

• Red Herring: With regards to the Special One, Rocky does this very heavy-handedly in the fourth book with Maeve. It seems that she can't do anything without it being labelled "shifty" or "suspicious." And she seems to be a borderline Ethnic Scrappy in-universe, with everybody disliking her seemingly just because she's Irish. Subverted later on; in book 6 she is at last revealed to be the Extra-Special One.
• Shrinking Violet: She comes off like this at first, before a sudden burst in confidence as Tony's girlfriend in book 5.
• Sixth Ranger: She joins the Glee Team in book 5 after Giselle's betrayal.
• Strangled by the Red String: She and Tony become a couple in book 5, despite having no positive interactions beforehand and Bella earlier saying that Tony doesn't trust Maeve.

Professor Slinz

A German scientist who works at Steeles designing new, market-smashing cookware. He is the inventor of the tri-oxy brillo range, a revolutionary new type of pan that can instantly boil water in three seconds.

• Cyanide Pill: He is revealed by Spooner to have killed himself using a cyanide pill, as opposed to being suffocated by Giselle's vagina as originally thought.
• Herr Doktor: A non-villainous variant of this trope, being a German professor hailing from Hanover.
• Kidnapped Scientist: He is kidnapped by Giselle and imprisoned by Bisch at the end of book 4.
• Living MacGuffin: Slinz quickly becomes this after being kidnapped. While his kidnapping motivates much of the plot of book 5, Slinz only has one line of dialogue after his kidnapping and before his death.
• Out with a Bang: He dies while being forced to give Giselle cunnilingus. At first it's assumed that he's suffocated, but later he's revealed to have taken a cyanide pill.

Customers and business associates

Alfonse Stirbacker

A Belgian businessman who owns more than 300 supermarkets throughout Belgium, Northern France and Southern Holland.

• Everything Sounds Sexier in French: Jamie portrays Alfonse as having a French accent (though his name suggests that Rocky may have intended him to be Flemish).
• The Peeping Tom: He is described as a "voyeur" who gets his kinks watching other people have sex.

Jim Sterling

An Texan business mogul and the CEO of Sterling Corp, a company with over 3000 outlets.

• Americans Are Cowboys: He is described as wearing snake-skin cowboy boots, and much of his vernacular evokes a stereotypical cowboy.
• Body Horror: Jim Sterling's giant cock transplant is treated like it. For one thing, the skin sloughs off as Belinda manipulates it, apparently as a perfectly normal part of the surgery. Belinda, meanwhile, is not pleased by the idea of getting loose cock skin inside her... and even considers the possibility that the material is so potent, she could grow a giant cock of her own. The hosts, of course, are horrified.
• Eagle Land: The most prominent American character, Jim Sterling, is an ugly slob prone to wearing cowboy hats. One chapter is called "Texas, USA."
• Everything Is Big in Texas: Initially averted in regards to Jim's cock, which is so small that it's almost invisible. Jim himself is described as short and stocky, though he is also said to have massive balls, massive hands and huge thumbs. Later played straight after his penis enlargement.
• Teeny Weenie: He has a penis so small that Belinda at first doesn't even notice it nesting in his mound of pubic hair. The hosts dub his micropenis "the Vole". He later has a penis enlargement procedure that replaces it with a flakey-skinned "monster dick" that fires blue semen.
• Trumplica: The hosts frequently joke about his similarities to Donald Trump. James walks back on the comparison in season three (the first season released after Trump's election to US President), and notes that he believes Jim is a better man than Trump.

Peter Rouse

A Dutch businessman who forms a close bond with Belinda. He is married to Cristina, Sir James's niece.

• Corrupt Corporate Executive: The hosts speculate that Peter is illegally using his company's funds to pay for his own extravagant lifestyle, due to him having a massive luxury apartment in the same building as his company's office. Jamie and James compare him to infamously corrupt leaders Robert Mugabe and Jacob Zuma.
• Geometric Magic: During their first encounter, Peter uses some mud along with his own semen to draw magical symbols on Belinda's body in order to bind her to him sexually for a whole year.
• Old-School Chivalry: Peter is quite an old-fashioned gentleman. During his first meeting with Belinda, he bows to her, something that tips James and Alice off to him being rather weird.
• Punny Name: His name sounds like "arouse". The hosts frequently comment on this potential sexy wordplay, though it's unclear if Rocky actually intended it.

Others

The Duchess

Gertrude, Duchess of Epsom, is a middle-aged noblewoman who takes Belinda as her mistress after bidding on her during a tombola for the Asses and Donkeys Trust. In book 5 she turns out to be M, the head of overall British intelligence.

• Dirty Old Woman: She is middle-aged, but continues to be very sexually active with much younger partners.
• Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": She's mostly just called "the Duchess", though book 5 reveals her first name to be Gertrude.
• Expy: As of book 5, she is a rather blatant Expy of M as played by Judi Dench in the James Bond film series, being the head of overall British intelligence. The chapter where this is revealed is even titled "M's the Word".
• The Mentor: Belinda considers the Duchess to be "her sexual mentor".

Herr Bisch

Herr Wolfgang Bisch is the aged owner of Bisch-Herstellung, a pots and pans manufacturer situated in East Berlin. He is a retired spy who used to work for East Germany in the Cold War and longs for revenge against the West for injuries he sustained while in service.

• Big Bad: He is the main villain of the Belinda Blinked books as of the fourth book.
• Dark Lord on Life Support: Bisch is afflicted with various diseases and generally confined to a wheelchair.
• Dirty Commies: Bisch used to be an agent for the GDR, though he's presumably no longer a communist by the time of the books.
• Dirty Old Man: Being an old man in an erotica, this is a given.
• Corrupt Corporate Executive: He is a cookware manufacturer who's not above resorting to industrial espionage, kidnapping and terrorism to take down his rivals.
• Gass Hole: Bisch lets out a stinky "gentleman woof" in a chapter by the same title in book five.
• Luke, I Am Your Father: The end of book 5 indicates that he and Belinda are related by blood somehow. In Book 6, though, he turns out to simply be her step-uncle, son of Belinda's mother's step-father.
• Revenge Myopia: Bisch holds a grudge against the West in general for his treatment by the British secret services. Thus he will exact his retribution... upon a pots and pans company, using a former member of those British secret services as an accomplice.
• The Spymaster: Herr Bisch conducts his business affairs just as he did his former career, spying for the Communist government of East Germany.

James Spooner

James Spooner is an MI5 agent who Belinda hires in book 4 to weed out The Mole working for Bisch within Steeles Pots & Pans. He turns out not to be very good at his job.]

• Clueless Detective: Spooner is very bad at his job of trying to find the mole within Steeles. After the mole is revealed and Slinz is kidnapped, Spooner turns out to be equally bad at bringing them to justice.
• I Call Him "Mister Happy": He refers to his penis as "Spoons, Jr." The hosts sometimes refer to it as "Tea Spoon".
• Killed Off for Real: At the end of book 5, George stabs Spooner to death during the climactic clink fight.
• No Celebrities Were Harmed: Jamie reads Spooner's lines using an impression of Sean Connery.
• The Nudifier: Spooner has a laser cufflink that he uses to cut Belinda's dress off. How it doesn't damage her skin is anyone's guess.
• Shoe Phone: Being an expy of Sean Connery-era James Bond, Spooner has a few of these, mostly utterly ridiculous. In addition to his clothes-destroying laser cufflink, he also has a leather charm bracelet that somehow turns into a pair of binoculars with a packet of wet wipes inside.
• Tuxedo and Martini: Jamie plays James Spooner as an Expy of James Bond.

Toffee Apple Chew

Toffee Apple Chew or TACy is the 'Soul Sister Stallion' of the Duchess. While not having many lines (she is a horse), she somehow appears in a variety of situations and plot points. Voted favourite character in a reddit poll, just beating out Belinda.

• Cool Horse: Very cool, and a horse.
• In-Series Nickname: TACy
• What, Exactly, Is Her Job?: Serves as a general transport for the Duchess, was the leader of the procession in Spooner's funeral, and also has rescue-horse functions.