She gets by with a little help from her friends.
This page deals with beings who have seen fit to follow and support Fern for any amount of time as a teammate of hers in her journey to find her son and save the multiverse.
"Minions" are friends of Fern whom she carries around in her personal inventory. "Comrades" are not carried in Fern's inventory.
open/close all folders
Comrades
Isaac the Eyeslob
- UUUU... CANNNN... MMMMMMMM........ FINK... FINKAAA.... OH!!! OHH!!! U CAAAAAAN...... TELL!!! U CAN DO A TELL!!! TELL A GREAMN HOW 2 NO WAHT A MEENMAN DONED DID!!!!!!!!!
This slob was born at the end of one of Jay’s life cycles; one where the man was beset with an injury to his left eye. He has knowledge of some drastically important deed Jay performed in the past. He felt duty-bound to inform Fern about this deed of Jay’s, and sought Fern out. Eventually, he was able to find her, and joined her party. Over time, Fern grew fond enough of him to give a name: Isaac.
He still hasn't yet told Fern whatever it was Jay did.
- 1-Up: The "oold pollep" he purchases acts as this. It ends up being spent during Team Green's fight with Dr. Man.
- Absurdly Sharp Claws: Isaac's natural weapons. What's more, he seems to intend to use them to demonstrate to Fern
◊ what Jay did. (Hopefully not on her.) - Anatomy Arsenal: Inverted; Isaac buys himself an all-new arm◊ specifically to better perform nonviolent interactions.
- Archnemesis Dad: There's no familial love between Isaac and Jay whatsoever. Isaac thinks that "the meenman" ought to be killed. And Jay would unquestionably try to slaughter his "son" if they ever crossed paths. Of course, neither one of them is aware of Jay's condition.
- Baby Talk: He takes this beyond eleven - to the point he essentially talks like a lolcat.
- Bilingual Dialogue: Isaac’s thought processes are rendered in baby babble. Its vocalized dialogue sounds downright Chewbacca-ish. Yet other monsters have no problems understanding him.Isaac: MMMEEEGGHHHHHBLEGHHHMEMMMM!!Jerry: I've seen a lotta things, kid. Things I cared enough about to remember? That's another story.
- Bio-Augmentation: The Parliament's store offers all sorts of nifty organs and other body parts which Isaac purchases to improve his body. These include different types of bladders, a new arm, and even an ink sac, which allow him to escape enemy encounters, squid-style.
- Cephalothorax: In a manner of speaking. Though he has a distinct torso and head, his torso used to be Jay's head.
- Character Level: He starts the story at level 12. He has increased it a few times by eating defeated Slobs.
- Confusion Fu: A biobag attacked Isaac when he enters the Hospital. As a direct countermeasure, he took his novelty hat out of inventory, put it on his head, and pulled its string to make its hands clap. The biobag was left so befuddled, she lost interest in fighting him any longer.
- Cuteness Proximity: Crash managed to distract him using a picture of a cat of all things.
- A Day in the Limelight: He became the player character once again and even got his own arc after both Fern and Willis were killed fighting the Bunslob, and it's up to him to fix this mess.
- Dressing as the Enemy: By putting on a Burgrr employee cap, the people at Burgrr accept him as one of them.
- Escape Battle Technique: After purchasing an ink sack from the Parliament's shop, he gains access to the Excape command, allowing him to douse enemies with an opaque fluid to help him escape combat just like an octopus.
- Expositron 9000: The infoid larvus that Isaac had implanted himself with seems to be a biological version of this.Infoid Larvus: DANGER WARNING!!! MULTIPLE LAYER BREACHES DETECTINATED!
- Eye Scream: His birth from his "father" was absolutely graphic.
- "Flowers for Algernon" Syndrome: Due to the influence of the Commentators and the Parliament, Isaac is able to be the first slob that develops sapience and even starts to learn complicated emotions like love. This makes it all the more tragic when to transfer the Commentators back to Fern, Crash instructs Isaac to kill her, and implies that without the Commentators' influence, Isaac is going to go back to being a mindless beast.
- Subverted so far. Fern does meet Isaac but he appears to have retained his intelligence, or at the very least, his nonviolent ways and uses the same hat trick to calm Fern.
- Genetic Memory: One possible explanation for why Isaac knows about Jay and Fern is that Jay's memories were copied to Isaac's own brain during the slobification. He explicitly does know what a dog is because of Jay's influence. This doesn't cover ALL the information he knows though.
- Glamour Failure: Isaac's "Perceptual Projectification" ability, which Staphelia gave him, allows him to show things the Parliament would rather keep hidden to others.
- Healing Factor: After Isaac eats the corpse of the Bunslob, he gains the power of Regeneration, which restores 50% of maximum HP, rounded down, but its effectiveness halves with each repeated use in the same confrontation.
- I Cannot Self-Terminate: Very tragically, Isaac ends up fulfilling this role for Fern. See… the reason the Commentators were transferred over to Jay was because Fern stabbed Jay with her blade. Then Jay became Isaac. In order to have the Commentators return to Fern from Isaac, Crash induced him to slash Fern dead with his claws.
- Interface Screw: When Fern and Isaac finally met face-to-face, he was still carrying all the items◊ the Commentators had him gather when they were guiding him. But for some reason, even though you can see what Fern and Willis are carrying, Isaac's personal inventory is completely hidden from the inventory screen, once he joins Fern's party. It eventually becomes clear that this was a deliberate concealment on the author's part.Unbeknownst to Fern and Willis, the Oold Pollep in Isaac's inventory dissolves and instantaneously replenishes its host's empty health.
- It Can Think: He's the first slob ever shown to demonstrate a capacity for logic and empathy towards others.
- Turns out this is because the Commenters entered his mind. Crash heavily implies that, when they'll leave to go back into Fern's head, Isaac will revert into a mindless blob. Thankfully, this doesn't seem to be the case, as it didn't attack Fern and, in fact, used his hat trick to get Fern to calm down enough to lower her sword.
- Kid Hero: Isaac is a newborn with the mindset of a toddler, who's intent on helping Fern. Also, for a time, the Commentators directed his actions.
- Letters 2 Numbers: Isaac tends to do this in his prose. This trait complements the rest of his Baby Talk perfectly.UR HOWSE: IT A GOOD 1>TALK 2 A BAGG>LOOK 4 GREAMN
- Monstrous Cannibalism: He'll consume other slobs, if they insist on fighting him. Eating the corpses they leave behind cause him to level up.
- My Species Doth Protest Too Much: Unlike literally all other slobs seen before his debut in the story, this slob is fully sapient, driven by more than predatory animal instinct.
- Never Learned to Read: Books just bewilder him. Justified in that he's basically a toddler.
- Noodle Incident: Whatever it was that Jay did that Isaac feels Fern should know about. Judging by his disgusted reaction to it, it's implied to be really bad.
- No Name Given: For a long while, he had no official name of his own, and was referred to as "
The Eyeslob.◊" Then after a certain amount of time accompanying Fern as her companion, she decided to name him "Isaac." The Commentators helped influence this decision.Bogleech: I went with pure votes this time, and I do like Isaac. My own thought was originally "Ivan." - Obliviously Evil:
- The eye-based slob of Jay wants to ask for Fern's help in fighting the "meenman" (a.k.a. human Jay, who hunts slobs). It's smart enough to know that Fern will be scared of it if it tries to talk to her, but it's also dumb enough to think that the solution to this is to show her how the "meenman" hurts its kind... by attacking her. Certainly she will understand that it's not hostile to her then, right?
- He also only briefly questions the moral implications when Crash instructs him to kill Fern to cause her to "respawn". (Though to be fair, Crash tricked him.) Although his dialogue after he does the act might imply that he does feel some guilt.
- Oh, Crap!: When Jerry taunts Fern that what she really needs to know right now is what an Ottoman is, Isaac, the only one of them to have previously encountered one, gives an unhappy expression of realization, while an Ottoman looms right behind them.
- Pieces of God: According to Magdolene, Isaac doesn't have a core of his own, and he is basically only a tiny piece of something much much bigger, the original being. He could potentially develop a core of his own though and become his own person.
- Punny Name: "Eye Sack." It's an especially fitting pun, considering Isaac's compound eyes.◊
- The Bus Came Back: Isaac disappeared from the story after Crash tricked him into stabbing Fern. Gardenia mentions she ran into Isaac (but didn't know who or what he was) and jabbed him a few times before he ran away. Just a little under a hundred pages later, Fern finally runs into Isaac herself, and he joins her party.
- Screw This, I'm Outta Here: One thing Isaac is good at is knowing when to run, such as when Willis throws a Reality Warper temper tantrum.
- Seeing Through Another's Eyes: Staphelia uses one of her experiments to give Isaac the ability to reveal its Old Flesh vision to others.
- Solid Gold Poop: The Parliament uses Isaac's excrement as money after they crystallize it!
- Stomach of Holding: Bladders of Holding. He stows inventory items inside "ancillary storage bladders."
- Tagalong Kid: He's essentially a baby, and he starts to follow Fern shortly after they met. Willis wasn't scared but Fern was wary of having a slob following them.
- You No Take Candle: His "narration" when the Commentators take control of him is basically this trope on steroids.YOU ACIDE 2 LEAF THE ROMBE U WAZ IN AN U GO OUTTA IT INTA THE HOLLWAY!!!Translation
- Wall Crawl: He can walk on walls.
Willis Tori
It's tough having a Hospital doctor for a mom.
- Willis: Hey, Mom. I'm gonna run off with some some strange adult from the gray zone who's impersonating you to approve dangerous surgeries and can swallow me whole.Dr. Circula Tori: That's nice, dear. Mom's busy now. You have fun.
The diminutive, neglected six-and-a-half spiraling-old (around 9 to 11 years old in human years) son of Circula Tori. Even though Fern infiltrates his mom's office with one of Circula's misplaced ID cards, Willis quickly warms up to Fern, so he decides to follow her and help protect her and guide her along her way.
- Accidental Murder: In his past, Willis visited the grey zone once, and drank some people to death. Bear in mind that Earth is an alien world to him, and he doesn't really understand how permanently death affects humans when they're in their home world.Willis: (discussing the grey zone with Fern) I think I branchinatered there once and I drank a couple things that were you-shaped but then they stopped moving and when I checked again they were just GROSS!!! Don't live there, Fern! You could stop moving and get GROSS!!!
- A Day in the Limelight: After Anna doses Fern on a hallucinogenic, Willis asks Fern's Buzzers for guidance, and while his connection with them is not as strong as it is for Fern or Isaac, he is sort of able to hear them.
- Adorably Precocious Child: Standard pan-zonal Technobabble aside, Willis has proven himself to be very perceptive and intelligent for his age.
- Almighty Idiot: His One-Winged Angel form is largely instinctive, with his consciousness sleeping and dormant.
- Animate Body Parts: True to his name, he is a sapient circle of Willis.
- Anything but That!: Willis truly dreads being lectured by Dr. Phage.Willis: He's gonna GET US!!! He's gonna LECTURE me for leavin' mom's room!!!!! FERN!! FERRRN!!!
- Appeal to Flattery: Willis really loves it whenever Fern praises his intelligence.Fern: Okay, I shouldn't even think that's weird by now, but that's weird.Willis: No it's not! You just don't know anything!!!Fern: I sure don't. It's a good thing you're smart, Willis!Willis: (very pleased) I know!!!
- Because You Were Nice to Me: Why Willis allows Fern to get away with approving the Q-36 Procedures in his mother's name, and why he becomes Fern's companion.
- Beware the Nice Ones: Willis is a precocious sweetheart who's also Fern's most powerful party member and casually mentions drinking other lifeforms dry, including humans. Later revealed to go further than that - he isn't so much a "child" as a self-aware branch of one of the Hospital's most powerful staff. The Hospital's administrators let him roam freely partly because it would go very badly for anyone who tried to stop him.
- Big Eater: Willis really loves food. Even setting aside the massive quantities of blood he drains from enemies in combat, he never turns down the chance to grab a new snack whenever the opportunity presents itself.
- Blatant Lies: While being hunted by a more maddened than ever Dr. Phage, Fern suggests Willis mimic Dr. Phage's voice to see if he can fool Phage into thinking that he has already reached them. It sort of works, fooling Dr. Phage and delaying him, but Willis's actual words wouldn't be convincing for anyone else.Willis: OH, WHAT A DOCTOR I AM, THAT I AM ALREADY HERE. I AM SO GREAT AND SMART AND NOT DUMB, AND NOT SHORT, AND THERE IS NO NEED FOR ME TO COME IN HERE IF I AM HERE ALREADY.
- Blood Sucker: Tiny though he is, Willis drinks a LOT of blood. For instance: all the blood within Jay, an adult man, wasn't really that much of a meal for him.Willis: You thingys sure don't got a lotta blood. Or is it just the blue ones? You have way bigger parts. Do you have more blood, Fern??
- Anytime Willis drains blood in combat, it cuts an enemy's health by ¼ and passes it onto him!
- Bulletproof Human Shield: Willis' "Shield"◊ ability can be used to shield his favorite human, Fern, in battles.Willis surrounds FERN in a tough, rubbery basket of arteries. All damage inflicted by or upon Willis and Fern reduced to ONE this turn!
- Character Level: He starts the story at level 15, putting him 4 levels ahead of Fern at the time.
- Combat Tentacles: Combat blood vessels. Willis can extend his blood vessels to an incredible length, considering his size, and use them for offense, defense, healing, and grabbing objects.
- Early-Bird Cameo: Willis' first appearance comes at the title page◊ of Awful Hospital. His first in-story debut comes on Page #609.
- Exact Words: When Fern's about to leave Willis, she tells him "you take care, Willis." He chooses to interpret this to mean "you take care of me," and cheerfully follows after Fern to be her caretaker.
- Expressive Mask: His internal carotid arteries are as expressive◊ as human◊ eyes.◊
- Freudian Excuse Is No Excuse: After dealing with the Stains, he responds to Fern's concern for Jagged's daughters with "Who cares!? She's mean!"
- Fluent In Gibberish: Whenever Fern comes across monsters who don't speak English, Willis will act as her translator.Millie: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhFern: Willis? Is she...saying something?Willis: Ferrrrrn!!! You're hopeless! She says, "Pardon me! Must have lost a few layers... hi there, Willis...are you and this patient and this unidentifiable empty space remaining untroublesome?"
- Hypercompetent Sidekick: Not that Fern hasn't done well enough on her own when she has to, but having Willis around has been a boon to her quest. It helps that he has a better understanding of the inner works on The Hospital, Zones, and Layers than a gray zoner like Fern ever would.
- Kid Hero: Nearly fearless, for one so young and small!
- Meaningful Name: Willis is based on the circle of Willis, a network of arteries which circulate blood throughout the human brain.
- Medium Awareness: Willis is aware of how many hearts everyone has during combat.Willis: I've got WAY more hearts than you!!Fern: "Hearts?"Willis: Ugh, don't tell me you can't even see THOSE, either!!
- Mister Big: Willis looks to be the size of a five-month old◊ human fetus. Bizarrely, though, Willis appears to be under the belief that he's the tallest person of any room he enters, (unless he's speaking purely metaphorically about his own height.)Willis: (speaking of Crash) I remember being scared when I was that little...Willis: (speaking of Isaac) I won't let him hurt miss Fern!! I'm bigger!!!
- It's worth noting that Isaac's internal narration calls Willis "FREM BIGGEST" and from his perspective Willis does look bigger with the arteries on his "head" and the two forming his "legs" stretching into the distance.
- It's worth noting that Isaac's internal narration calls Willis "FREM BIGGEST" and from his perspective
- Mommy Issues: Dr. Tori's an extremely smart and self-sufficient surgeon, yet she's unmotherly and does not really need to even have her son around. Willis loves having Fern as a surrogate mom of sorts, because Fern is a lady who is not only kind and maternal, but quickly comes to rely on Willis for his strength, knowledge, and superhuman abilities. This is a big ego boost for him.
- Nepotism: By virtue of his mother, he technically outranks most of the Hospital's staff, despite being a child with no interest in medicine.
- Not Now, Kiddo: Willis gets this treatment a LOT from the Hospital doctors.Willis: You gotta PROMISE you'll listen, and you won't make fun of me, and you won't say anything like "Uh-huh, that's nice dear, mommy's busy right now" or like "Ahhh! What an exuberant imagination! I'm reminded of my period as but a wee phagelet!" or "}}};;{@}—_#__#" or "Hm. Well. That's...quite a pickle. Not any pickle of your concern, lad."
- Parental Neglect: Dr. Tori is a lot more focused on her surgeries than her son.Fern: She seems to be working very hard.Willis: Yeah. I know. It's all she cares about.
- One-Winged Angel: After seeing his hard work repairing the Library get damaged beyond repair, he starts Tantrum Throwing and concentrates enough of his concept to manifest as a Kaiju.
- Psychic Child: Willis claims he can sense the 'pulses' of others, and would seem to possess other senses and abilities outside the range of human perception.Fern: It's dangerous out there, there's-Willis: I'm fine, Fern! I'm by myself all over the Hospital! You're the one who didn't even see the Fezzlemek chewing your left sinebranch.Fern: ...The what now?Willis: It's okay, I warpled it into semivapor. Now if you ever peel a shwomp, it shouldn't even sting!Fern: I have no idea what any of that is, but thank you, Willis.
- Super-Strong Child: Level 15 is pretty respectable, especially for a kid Willis' age! This, coupled with his 19 HP, and it's no wonder this kid considers himself Fern's caretaker, instead of the other way around.Willis: You're so DEADABLE, Fern! Jeez! Almost anything can deadify you!
- Tagalong Kid: As soon as Fern's about to leave the room Willis meets her in, he's tagging along after her! However, this turns out to be a very good thing as he's very useful in combat and can translate the speech of otherwise unintellible beings for Fern.
- Tears of Blood: When Willis cries, blood leaks out of his internal carotid arteries.
- Voice Changeling:You make a note of the fact that Willis can apparently recreate almost any voice to perfection.
- Wham Line: When he reveals he took on Jay in a fight and came out victorious. That says something!Fern: …you should never feel like you have to talk back to anybody you don't know and trust. Please be more careful, Willis. Even I say I'm not, you can't know if I'm dangerous.Willis: Sure I can. You don't pulse like the blue guy at all.Fern: The blue g-you met him?!
- Wistful Amnesia: Stuff has been Ret Gonned from his memories, but the gaps remain. He knows that the world is supposed to be bigger than it is now, and he knows that there are supposed to be people with certain skills and functions, but he doesn't remember the specifics of what are missing.
- Your Size May Vary: Lampshaded here, stating that he may be "approximately two to five inches tall depending on the drawing".
- You Will Know What to Do: The narrative assures the readers that Willis knows what the things he acquired from the break room's vending machines are, and that "he will use them of his own accord when necessary."
Dr. Magdolene
No skull's complete without a heap of maggots crawling all over her!
Much better!
- Magdolene: Just ain't feelin' myself lately...somethin 'bout maggots...pretty sure I need me a few.
An amnesiac skull laying on a bed within the Plank Maze. She would ask anyone who wandered into her room to bring maggots to her. Fern was the one who would eventually fulfill her wish, revealing her to be a piece of Maggie.
She normally works in the Hospital's surgical ward, functioning as the Anthropomorphic Personification of Biodebridement Therapy, meaning that she cleans necrotic tissue from patients.
- Admiring the Abomination: Magdolene is impressed by dolphins' craftiness.Magdolene: You uh, see how it get in by any chance?Fern: It burst out of a worm.Magdolene: I'LL BE! That's mighty clever of 'em! Horrorfyin' and all, sure, but fascernatin' from onna them acydemic perspectives n' whatnot!
- A Lizard Named "Liz": A sapient aggregate colony of maggots named Magdolene. Much like her 'writhemother,' Maggie.
- Ambiguously Bi: Her main crush is on Tori, and she has implied that she wouldn't mind being in a relationship with Fern either, but has also said that it was a shame Jay had such an unpleasant personality as he wasn't bad looking.
- Animate Body Parts: A talking skull.
- Bedsheet Ghost: The shape that her body-of-maggots takes before the More Maggots Fairy came to the rescue.
- Big Good: As the only doctor that fully retains her sanity and a close personal friend of Fern, she pretty much steps into the role when Fern revives her.
- Body of Bodies: Millions of maggots, flies for hair, and a humanoid skull are what make up Magdolene.
- Character Level: As yet unknown, but implied to be in the hundreds range by the 3 question marks that show up when she gives Fern a tutorial in how to use her new Flyactery.
- Dem Bones: A skull that talks... at first.
- Disability Immunity: Her office was eaten by the Plank Maze before Parliament setup their Perception Filter. As a result, she is one of the few staff members to even remember what the Parliament is and be immune to their influence, but it also means she isn't completely connected to the Hospital anymore and contributing as much as she normally would to its integrity.
- Early-Bird Cameo: Her first in-story debut was back on Page 529, with Jay encountering her in her room. Since he wasn't the altruistic sort, Magdolene had to wait until Page 838 before someone came by who was willing to help her with her maggot problem.
- First-Name Basis: She is technically upper-level staff, but only occasionally referred to as a doctor, presumably due to her and Fern being close personal friends.
- Form-Fitting Wardrobe: Lampshaded about her labcoat, with Fern wondering where you would buy a labcoat with such a shape.
- Genetic Memory: While Magdolene makes it clear that she's more like a daughter of sorts of Maggie ("conceptospawn" to be precise), she does share some of Maggie's memories, including who Fern is and what she and Maggie did.
- Human Alien: As a skull, she looks no different than those of any regular human being. But she finds humans to be rather bizarre creatures.Magdolene: Can't say I'm big on messin' around with no grey-zoney corpses. Creepy buggers, no offense! Certainly better than nothin' a'course.
- I Choose to Stay: Rather than re-enter the Hospital, Magdolene chooses to remain in the Plank Maze, where she'll retain her memories of the truth, and be of more help to Fern.
- Identity Amnesia: She completely forgot who she was and many other things besides when she lost her maggots... including what maggots even were. Once Fern brings her to a new source of maggots, it seems to cure her amnesia.
- I'm a Humanitarian: Humans are a possible meal option to her.Magdolene: (speaking of Jay) ...wasn't bad lookin', probably none too bad tastin' neither.
- Leaning on the Fourth Wall: This happens during a conversation where Fern and Magdolene are discussing the Commentators.Magdolene: You n' I could even be some wacko dream or story over on their end, who knows.
- Monster Modesty: After regaining her normal form and getting Fern up to speed on who she is, one of the first things she wanted to do was to get something to wear. Fern got to choose from a couple of dresses/one piece outfits. Magdolene is currently wearing a trenchcoat.
- Ms. Fanservice: Qualifies despite being a humanoid mass of writhing maggots with flies for hair. She is still the character with the most prominent hourglass figure, and the only one with visible cleavage.
- The Needs of the Many: Completely inverted; Magdolene believes helping Fern represents a "greater good" than helping out everyone else at the Hospital... even if it means consigning herself to the Plank Maze and not setting foot in the Hospital (at least for now.)
- Nightmare Face: "I... REMEMBER..."
- No Name Given: For a long time. She is eventually introduced as Magdolene.
- Non-Action Girl: While she is stated to have a high Character Level, she has been a noncombatant so far; doing other things whenever Fern gets caught up in fights.
- Pieces of God: Word of God reveals that Maggie has ascended into a godlike being, and Magdolene is basically a detached piece of her.
- Psycho Serum: She says that maggots gathered from the bodies of Magboils would've made her homicidal.Magdolene:If you folks had just gotten me some magboil biomass without askin' first...I'da probably gone zonkers. Probably be eatin' ya down to the core as we speak!
- Retcon: A very quick one. When introducing herself, her name was initially spelled "Magdoline", but this changed to "Magdolene" right after, with the text in the first comic with her name being edited for the new spelling.
- Retgone: What Parliament tried to do to her. They tried to attack a zone containing a version of Maggie from "before" she became the Anthropomorphic Personification of maggots. Had they succeeded, Magdolene would have been retroactively removed from existence.
- Sadistic Choice: If Magdolene gets out of the Plank Maze and returns to the Hospital proper, she might help stabilize it... or she could end up brainwashed by the Parliament, becoming at best useless and at worst a threat to Fern. She wants to help, but she's afraid of hurting her friend. She ultimately decides to remain within the Plank Maze and focus on helping Fern from there, reasoning that being the only upper level staff member unaffected by the Parliament's Perception Filter is an advantage they should hold onto as long as they can.
- Sarcasm-Blind: Jay's observation of the skull is: "The stupid thing never, ever catches on to sarcasm."
- Slime Girl: Despite being a giant maggot colony, her body has this consistency; Fern describes it as "like lukewarm tapioca pudding".
- Southern-Fried Genius: Has a heavy southern accent much like Maggie, and is not just a qualified medical professional, but a literal embodiment of her field of specialty.
- Speak Ill of the Dead: For a certain definition of "dead." She treated Jay kindly back when he was his regular self, but had no nice words to say about him after he had "passed on" into an all-new life.Magdolene: One spooky varmint! Musta made a baker's dozen visits to my place before he stopped screamin' every time I said anything. Though maybe he'd lend me a hand or two once he finally got to talkin' back, but turned out he was just a freako.Magodolene: Reckon you can use all the help you can get...which is why I think I've made up my own mind fer now. Maybe I'd be good fer the Hospital, but I reckon right now, it might matter more if I'm good fer you, even if I can only help ya from here.Fern: Are you sure?Magdolene: ...NOPE! But as far as we know, I'm the only upper level staffer who ain't all discombobulatened as it were, and I reckon we oughta hang onta that advantage as many layers as we can.
- Stealth Pun: Obviously Magdolene is evocative of maggots, but there's also the fact that she starts out as a skull. The biblical Mary Magdalene was often portrayed in Rennaisance art with her hand on a skull as a memento mori.
- Unperson: Due to being in the Plank Maze for so long, the rest of the Hospital has forgotten that she even exists, though Tori's character files suggest that some memories are starting to stir now that she's active again.
- Upgrade Artifact: Magdolene's wardrobe has clothes that grant her various abilities. When she asks Fern to pick an outfit for her, the Commentators end up choosing the trenchcoat to boost her investigative abilities, in hopes of recovering lost Hospital staff and determining what is up with the staff that remain.
- The Worm That Walks: It's clear that this skull was never interconnected to any larger skeleton. Instead, it submerges itself into a enormous mass of maggots, which then come under her control and become her body.
Chip
The Hospital's current dominant AI personality, Chip acts as a sort of Mission Control for Fern and her party. Read more about him here.
Inert Subconcept Vessel Party Members
Maya Celia
Adventure Time!
Are you sure you want to click this?
Swordnado!
- Celia: A challenging venture indeed! No wonder you dared seek my legendary expertise! Your resolve is almost admirable, for a mere worm!Celia's Unvoiced Thoughts: Balmer's really getting desperate... this must be bigger than I thought.Fern: Right! Yeah! He did suggest I find some sort of "community" about East of here, do you know what he could have meant?Celia: Of course! I know it well! Alas, you will never find a more loathsome nest of riffraff and knavery. You have chosen your companionship wisely!Celia's Unvoiced Thoughts: Guess he's sick of sending his own goons off to die...
An adventurous clump of mycelium that Fern encounters while traversing through the "woods" of her own rotting corpse, who quickly takes interest in joining her on her journey! Fern's first companion.
- All There in the Manual: Where we learn that her forename is "Maya". In-story, she's never revealed her first name to anyone.
- Archenemy: To Dr. Balmer. According to his personal file on her, she's been problematic to his operations "since MG-000000001." In other words, since the very first corpse of Fern he's worked on. Moreover, she's killed a good number of his underlings, and resisted all efforts at peaceful relocation. Given he killed her mother and annihilated the fungal kingdom she stood to inherit, it's quite understandable.
- Becoming the Mask: Though she uses Fern as a pawn in her campaign against Balmer, Fern's respect for life and refusal to accept meaningless, arbitrary death as normal convince her to take a stand.
- Blood Knight: Particularly where worms are concerned.Celia: (to Fern) Jolly good bloodlust! I didn't think you had it in you!
- Character Level: During the Biovessel arc, she is level 10, same as Fern.
- Cool Sword: Celia's got this covered; brought her own keratin blade! Later, Fern buys her a better sword!
- Eyeless Face: Although, functionally, the globule directly under her hat seems to be where she sees out from. And like a human, she only seems to see from a forward position,◊ instead of a full 360 degrees.
- False Friend: Initially, at least.
- Fantastic Racism: She's reluctant to associate with anyone who isn't also a fungus.
- Fetch Quest: The moment Celia learns Fern is on one of these, she wants in right away!Celia: Would you say this "errand" to "fetch" something might also be considered a...a quest? A quest to fetch something??!'
- Fragile Speedster: She has low average damage and low health, but a way to automatically dodge attacks and a way to automatically land a hit.
- Girlish Pigtails: Celia has something approximating pigtails underneath her hat.◊
- Gratuitous Princess: Introduces herself as a bandit princess. It seems at first that she's just an extremely committed LAR Per, but it turns out she is a princess whose kingdom was dissolved by Balmer's flush.
- Happily Married: She married Staph at one point after the Corpse World story arc, and after Fern's soul got shoved into what her broken-necked corpse eventually became, both of them are ecstatic to be reunited with her again.
- He Knows About Timed Hits: Celia breaks the fourth wall to expound upon the Tabletop RPG-like combat system, for the commentators' benefit and Fern's utterly bafflement.
- Humans Are Ugly: Celia makes no secret about how hideous she finds Fern to be... yet she still comes to have tremendous admiration for Fern's heroism and respect for life.Celia: ...But you! You're different! It's as if existence has some sort of...inherent worth in your perception, even as supremely repulsive as it must be to live yours as a worm!
- I'm a Humanitarian: Celia has a much smaller appetite than Maggie and Staph. Unlike them, she rarely even discusses her own hungers. Yet she still subsides off the same diet that they do.Celia: I could go for a bite myself.
- In a Single Bound: The girl can certainly jump!
- Interspecies Romance: She's had romantic relationships not just outside her species, but her biological kingdom; dating bacteria and animals. Sadly, none of her love interests had any sense of self-preservation.
- Large Ham: Can be loud and flamboyantly theatrical, to the point of making 'swoosh' noises when she swings her blade around.
- Last of His Kind: Celia is the only survivor of a fungal kingdom that Balmer destroyed, and is telling the truth about being a princess.
- Meat Moss: Notice how Celia's fungal forest is the exact same shade of turquoise as Celia, herself? That's not a coincidence. Celia generates this sessile turquoise growth as a digestive byproduct whenever she eats.
- Meta Guy: Celia will lapse into Tabletop RPG-speak whenever things turn combative. Justified, as this is how battles function in the Inert Vessel.
- Multiversal Conqueror: After the Biovessel arc, her "kingdom" reaches to every Ferncorpse / Slob in the morgue. It's outright called an "interplanetary empire", but different zones are more like Another Dimension.
- Murder by Inaction: Staph and Maggie were both so drained after fighting the Immense Thing that when Trichia came with her posse, it was all Staph could do to to try talking her way out of getting killed. Staph still figured that Celia had enough energy left to intercede on their behalf. She would've been right; except Celia had been on the bad guys' pay all along, so she stood by as Trichia shot Maggie and Staph.
- My Fist Forgives You: Celia is at the receiving end of this from Fern, though it's a backhanded slap, not a punch.
- Nature Lover: Celia loves the trees of her grove. The local worm population she'll kill for sport, exercise, and hatred of the species.Fern: Maybe we can make a bridge out of these tree things?Celia: I'd never let you lay one repulsive feeler on my forest!
- Pride: She tends to describe herself as the most competent person in the room. For example, when Dr. Staph mistakes Celia's drawing of a fly for a mouse, she tells Staph that it's OK Staph isn't an artist, and when Query makes a request of the "smarter one", Celia acts as if Query was talking to her but she's "letting" Staph do it instead.
- Punny Name: On "mycelia."
- Purple Prose: Often speaks like she's a character in a Robin Hood storybook. Her true personality is noticeably more "streetwise" than "storybook".
- Regretful Traitor: Genuinely remorseful over her part in Staph and Maggie's deaths. Ever since Fern reawakened in Balmer's facility, Celia's gone out of her way to ensure the woman escapes that place alive. This includes demanding Fern be set free, (when Balmer needed saving from the Dolphin,) then urging Fern to follow her to safety right after. When Fern asked about Staph and Maggie, Celia confessed to what she'd done right away, but swore that she never intended it to go THAT far.
- Snarky Nonhuman Sidekick: In stark contrast to Staph and Maggie's sweetness, Celia can be bitingly acerbic, even at the best of times.Fern: I don't suppose you could jump me across?Celia: Do I LOOK like I could jump with a bloated wormbeast on my back?
- Straw Affiliation: Celia first takes Fern to be some form of worm, because she's of the Animalia, and is bilaterally symmetrical, and multicellular with a tubular body plan. In actuality, she recognizes Fern as a chordate.Fern: Worms are spineless. I have a whole skeleton. I have arms and legs.Celia: Oh? Who invented those distinctions? Your species? A worm by any other name!
- Super Mode: Whereas Staph and Maggie Came Back Strong; Celia was still alive when Fern pitched her into the exvironator-affected pool with the other two. Worked just as well.
- Sympathy for the Hero: As hinted in her blog and eventually revealed.Celia's Blog Entry: Having heard the worm's story, I'm almost feeling sympathetic...but I'm not about to screw myself over for some sob story about some filthy grub. Besides, NOBODY knows the tragedy of loss like Lady Celia: Transferrer of Goods! Nobody.
- Tactful Translation: Quite the opposite when relaying her wife's thoughts to Burgrr "drive-through."
- Staph: That doesn't sound entirely safe.Celia: HEY MY WIFE THINKS THAT'S STUPID.
- The Teetotaler: Alcohol is poisonous to fungi, so she's not one to spend time in taverns.
- Tragic Keepsake: Her hat is a gift from an ex-girlfriend who ignored the threat Balmer posed to their world.
- Video Game Stealing: Celia's specialty, especially during fights. She's a very talented thief.
- The Worm Guy: Celia's no stranger to worms. Practically anytime Team Green encounters especially noteworthy worms or worm-related phenomena, she'll be the one providing the necessary information.Celia: Hmph. A grindworm. It won't come out of its tunnel, but don't get too close. It prefers metal, but it can and will pull in any solid matter.
Celia: Even Mildred would have feared a squiggle of rapidworms. They won't completely leave liquid, but their reach is long, and they are voracious.
Celia: Wormholes are the only way to navigate the underflesh, but they aren't like wholesome, practical, fungus-eaten cavitations.
Dr. "Staph" Staphanie Celia (née Coccus)
Why couldn't she have been in charge of The Hospital?
Are you sure you want to click this?
BLAM! Reverse Healing!
- Staph: It's not just every cycle that the whole world steps into your clinic.
Fern's second companion: a grandmotherly medic bacterium she finds at the Bacteria Village. When Fern enters her clinic, Staph's proficiency as a healer allows her to recognize her newest patient as more than just another microbe. Staph sees that Fern is nothing less than the 'world' she's always lived on.
- All Therapists Are Muggles: Inverted. Whenever Fern turns especially emotional, Staph will always do her best to talk her through a situation. Mostly she succeeds. Nonetheless, since one's a bacterium and the other's a human woman, certain cultural differences will arise.Fern: Sorry...it's... it's a little much... even after what I've already seen...Staph: Oh no, don't apologize, dear! I'm sure we're all stricken, this place is gorgeous! And the fragrance... I can scarcely believe what I'm smelling!
- BFG: When Ascended, Staph uses "Reverse Healing", which takes the form of a gigantic 1911 pattern pistol summoned from thin air.
- Bunny-Ears Lawyer: Averted, she's the only doctor in the comic who's actually competent, though this probably has to do with only having one form of life to treat.
- Came Back Strong: Trichia kills her, but she is brought Back from the Dead by a corrupted variant of Balmer's sterilizing formula, temporarily at the strength of a Physical God due to the pool overloading her conceptual signature.
- Character Level: During the Biovessel arc, she is level 15.
- Creepy Good: Staph is sincerely committed to Fern's physical and emotional well-being. She would gladly sacrifice any number of her own hearts for the sake of her "world". Nonetheless, there can be no doubt that if Fern were to die in spite of all her best efforts, Staph would feast upon her corpse like it was a platter of barbecued ribs.
- The Cutie: Is a bacterium and still manages to pull this off.
- Deflector Shield: In fights, Staph has the 'Resist' ability, allowing her to curl up into an impenetrable ball for one combat turn.
- Establishing Character Moment: When Fern walks into her clinic, Staph instantly recognizes her as "multicellular animal life", and prescribes pure antiseptic and a cloth dressing for a cut she has. This puts her light years ahead of almost all her contemporaries at the Hospital in terms of giving medical aid to humans.
- Face Death with Dignity: In the presence of seemingly certain death, Staph catapults straight to the final phase of the Kübler-Ross model without a blink at any of its preceding stages.
- First-Name Basis: Just "Staph," for the most part. Not "Dr. Coccus" or even "Dr. Staph."
- Foil: To Doctor Phage. He's a virus, she's a bacteria. He treats many different zones and therefore lacks knowledge of treating humans, she only works on one small town and does have human medicinal knowledge. He's self-absorbed and egotistical, she's humble and extremely kind-hearted.
- Furry Reminder: Finds Magatha's dead body appetizing. She is a decomposer after all.
- Happily Married: She married Celia at one point after the Corpse World story arc, and after Fern's soul got shoved into what her broken-necked corpse eventually became, both of them are ecstatic to be reunited with her again.
- Interspecies Friendship: With Fern, her other two companions, and Magatha.
- Irony: Staphtococcus is a nightmarish disease-causing bacteria, responsible for everything from streppe throat to necrotizing fasciitis. Staph is The Medic of the party, and a licensed physician.
- Life Drain: Inverted; she's capable of sending life points of her own to heal injured companions.
- Mega-Microbes: She's a bacterium.
- The Medic: Staph is one of the purest examples of this trope. Not only is she the all-around finest physician in the webcomic to date, but she refuses to attack enemies. Why? Because, unlike the Hospital doctors, Staph swore to 'do no harm' to others, and with her, the Hippocratic Oath is no hypocritical oath.
- Nice Girl: One of THE sweetest-natured beings in the webcomic.
- The Nose Knows: Don't let the mask fool you; Staph doesn't have eyeballs. Instead, she smells the world around her.
- Punny Name: On Staphylococcus, a kind of bacteria.
- Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness: Is prone to being needlessly verbose, prompting Celia to chastise her.
- Stone Wall: You'd probably never suspect such a short, grandmotherly healer like Staph of being this, but her jaw-dropping 30 hearts allows her to endure quite a lot. For context; Celia and Fern both have 6 hearts. Maggie has 4.
- Technical Pacifist: On one hand, Staph has no offensive capabilities because of her do-no-harm oath. On the other, she's willing to make herself a living power source for combative comrades of hers.
- She shelves her pacifism completely in Super Mode and during fusions.
- White Mask of Doom: Like all the other bacteria in her village, she wears a skull mask. She's a goodhearted lady, though, so no actual doom from her.
Maggie
Magical Maggot Maggie!
Are you sure you want to click this?
Flyerstorm!
- Maggie: Hold yer horseflies, lemme buzz the place...Fern: "Buzz" the place? We're not making and/or murdering someone again are we?Maggie: Naw, nothin' that fancy! The local dipterites'll just shoot me a rough approximitation o' the residency. Just a moment...
A wizardly maggot girl who nearly matches Fern in height, Maggie served as an apprentice to Magatha for a long time. Things changed the day Fern and her comrades sought guidance from Maggie's teacher at her home, and Magatha underwent transmigration in a vast swarms of dipterites, midway through her conversation with the woman. Maggie found her lot thrown in with Fern and became her third companion. Maggie has the unique power to control small swarms of dipterites.
- A Lizard Named "Liz": A maggot named Maggie.
- Animal Eye Spy: While she can't form any sort of psychic link that'd allow her to literally see through others' eyes, Maggie can send her dipterite swarms out to scout places. When they report back to her, Maggie can then draw crude maps of these areas.
- Anthropomorphic Personification: Not when she is first introduced, but by the time Fern leaves she goes onto become a godlike being personifying all maggot-related concepts (an was in fact was always this, to begin with, but the nature of layers makes the chronology of this screwy to human perception at best).
- The Apprentice: Maggie is one to Magatha.
- Ascended to a Higher Plane of Existence: Maggie, some layers after her adventurers with Fern and co. would ascend to become the god-like core concept for all maggot-related concepts.
- Beehive Barrier: No enemy attack can penetrate it for a single combat turn.
- Call a Smeerp a "Rabbit": Her "marshmallows" are made out of the flies she summons. Real marshmallows are made from a swamp plant of the same name.
- Came Back Strong: Trichia kills her, but she is brought Back from the Dead by a corrupted variant of Balmer's sterilizing formula, temporarily at the strength of a Physical God due to the pool overloading her conceptual signature.
- Character Level: During the Biovessel arc, she is level 5.
- Creepy Good: Her Sweet Tooth can't hold a candle to her hunger for rotten meat.
- Cute Monster Girl: Rather adorable for a giant maggot.
- Deity of Human Origin: Well, maggot origin. After the biovessel adventure, she ascends into a godlike being, divided into different pieces representing different concepts related to maggots. Though in some senses, she always was the personification of maggots, and Fern simply prevented Parliament from Retgonning her.
- Face Death with Dignity:Staph: Don't worry, we may be leaving lovely corpses of our own, shortly!Maggie: Reckon yer quite right! Lovely weather fer it!
- Funetik Aksent: It even carries over from her dialogue into how she writes!
- Furry Reminder: Shows no hesitation before devouring Magatha's body. She is a maggot, after all.
- High Priestess: Maggie has taken on this role after Celia/Staphelia established her Mycobacterial Empire.Staphelia: She's a bit busy with all those acolytes and cenobites and prophecies and sacrifices and whatnot to spend too many layers with us anymore, but we're happy she's happy...and we're lucky she's on our side!
- Inconsistent Spelling: Throughout all the rest of Awful Hospital, her name's spelled "Maggie". But in a letter she writes, she spells her name "Maggy". In the same letter, she spelled Fern's name "Furn". Make of that what you will.
- Kidnapped by the Call: Maggie 'joined' Fern's team when Mildred swallowed her into her stomach in the same gulp as the human and her followers. This was actually incredibly lucky for Maggie, as Mildred owed Fern a favor. Since then, Maggie's chosen to stay with Fern because she supports the woman's cause.
- Lady of Black Magic: A maggot witch whose diptomancy spells using swarms of dipterites can deal large amounts of damage. In battle she has the ominous demeanor, but outside she's more amicable and naive. She later becomes a High Priestess of "The Writhenating".
- Magic Staff: Utilized for her diptomancy, as pictured right.
- Necromancer: The flies she controls are, to her type of perceptoid, the souls of the dead.
- Pest Controller: Maggie's forte.
- Ridiculously Cute Critter: She's surprisingly cute for a giant maggot.
- Shaping Your Attacks: The basis of most diptomancy: flies swarming in the shape of various attacks, which then inexplicably cause damage as if they were the appropriate element. It's probably a perception thing.
- Shown Their Work: Those aforementioned tusk mouthparts? Real maggots have them◊ — and, as with normal maggots, Maggie breathes out the other end.
- Southern-Fried Genius: According to Word of God, Maggie's accent is "slight Louisiana bayou." For a bog dweller, she slings science jargon and inter-zonal technobabble with the best of them.Fern: ...What's wrong with me?!
Maggie: Nothin's wrong with you, yer just all topsy-turvy in a layer range ya don't quite belong to. Who knows what might be interferin' with yer realities n' whatnots. - Squishy Wizard: Of everyone within Fern's party during the Inert Vessel story arc, Maggie's attacks dish out the most damage, but with just four hit points she can't take much punishment herself.
- Sweet Tooth: She carries a bag loaded with candy.
- Tastes Like Friendship: Maggie's friendship with Fern blossoms quicker over campfire marshmallows. These marshmallows are the very first foodstuff the woman has been willing to eat.
- Wingding Eyes: Her pupils turn into Steven Universe-esque stars when Magatha transmigrates.Maggie: So cool...
- Whatevermancy: How many other mancers do you think share Maggie's power to direct myasites at their reproductive stage? It's referred to as "diptomancy", in-story, and it offers Maggie a surprisingly large bag of tricks to draw from.
- The Worm That Walks: Give her an empty suit of some sort, and she can make people like Diptworth.
- Written-In Absence: The reason given for why Maggie doesn't appear in Phase 2 of the story, (either as herself or part of a fusion,) is because she has High Priestess duties.
Diptworth
Insect swarm + suit = second son for Fern.
- Diptworth: OH, WOW, HEY THERE! YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH MY MOM! WOW, THANKS FOR HAVING THE IDEA OF ME AND ALL, EXISTING'S REALLY SOMETHING ELSE! WHAT CAN I DO FOR YA, WHILE I'M STILL A THING??
Fern's fourth, short-lived companion. Regarded himself as the son of both Fern, (for being her "brainchild") and Maggie, (for performing the prestidigitation necessary to actually bring him into being.) At the time, Fern and her companions simply needed a way of enticing a particularly formidable pack of worms to relocate themselves. Diptworth happily complied with his green mother's plan at once, over all her horrified protests.
- All There in the Manual: Fern and her companions never even had a chance to properly name Diptworth◊ in-story.
- Cheerful Child: Began his life with dancing and acrobatic flips, and remained irrepressibly upbeat from that point forward.
- Deader than Dead: Fern's companions, (including Diptworth, himself,) were very explicit that he wouldn't be getting any form of multiple lives like Fern, herself.Staph: He unexistalized doing what he loved.Fern: ...so that really is what an "unexistalizer" does...Staph: Sure. Unexistence in any form, any place, ever again.
- Dying Moment of AwesomeDiptworth: ...HEY, IS THAT A RAFT? YOU OUGHTA LAUNCH ME OFF THAT THERE CLIFF, THAT'LL GET THEIR ATTENTION!!!
- Expy: Word of God has it that he imagined him with the voice of Steven Universe.Bogleech: As soon as I wrote its first line of dialog it just popped into my head as Steven Universe's voice.
- Four Is Death: Diptworth is Fern's fourth companion. His life ended quickly.
- Heroic Suicide: So that Fern, Celia, Staph, and Maggie could cross a river.
- Innocently Insensitive: He really drove the proverbial knife into Fern's heart.Diptworth: AWWW, C'MON, MOM! OTHER MOM IS COOL WITH IT!Fern: C... can you just not call me that... it's kind of persona-Diptworth: OH! NO SWEAT! HOW'S "MOTHER?" "MAMA?" "MOMMY?" IF I'M ONLY EVER GONNA EXPERIENCE THIS "SELF" THING FOR A FEW MOMENTS I CAN AT LEAST HAVE THE COURTESY TO GET THAT RIGHT, HAHA!
- Keet: Always overflowing with energy, as highlighted nicely by his CAPS LOCK dialogue.
- Not Afraid to Die: Not even slightly. And he reveled in life, for extra irony.
- We Hardly Knew Ye: From the moment he came alive to his death, he lasted all of four webcomic pages.
- The Worm That Walks: Diptworth's body was formed from a large swarm of dipterites that had filled up a translucent full-bodied suit.
Staphellie
Staphellie's enemies find her attacks to be PAWSatively unBEARable!
- Staphellie: "Ice" to meet you! But I'm afraid your "goose" is cooked!
Celia, Staph, and Maggie were in a fight against an Immensely monstrous Thing. When they had weakened it enough in regular combat, they decided there was only one way to make sure it wouldn't come back.
- Belly Mouth: Which comes with a fine circle of inward-pointing incisors.
- Beware the Silly Ones: Just ask the Immense Thing.
- Bishōnen Line: For a few frames, the fusion assumes a curvaceous human outline — then out pops a walking subversion.
- Bizarre Alien Biology: According to Word of God, the limb with eyes and a hat is Staphellie's head, but the torso is where she speaks and eats.
- Born to Pun: Every sentence out of Staphellie's mouth from the moment she'd been fused. But she doesn't seem to understand that puns require context. For example, she'll crack ice-themed puns in a battle where ice has no involvement whatsoever.
- Extra Eyes: More than the sum of her component beings', even.
- Fusion Dance: She's a composite form of all of Fern's companions during the Inert Vessel story arc. Minus Diptworth.
- Monstrous Humanoid: Staphellie's part-maggot, part-fungus, and part-bacteria, and it all shows. Frankly, it's incredible her body's shape resembles a human's at all.
- New Powers as the Plot Demands: It isn't until the climax of the Inert Vessel's Disc-One Final Boss that the audience learns that the Vessel's natives lifeforms were always capable of fusing with each other.
- Shout-Out: Mostly to Steven Universe.
- Transformation Sequence: Seen on Layer 407. Straight out of Sailor Moon.
- We Hardly Knew Ye: Staphellie fully exists for all of two pages before defusing back into her component parts. Diptworth lives longer than she does!
- White Mask of Doom: Now Staph's mask legitimately spells doom.
Staphelia
With a plural "s" at the end!
- Staphelia: We are QUEEN DOCTOR STAPHELIA, Captains of the vessel now designated FRN-1! ...Please verify peaceful intention or submit to termination and absorbtion by a superior force! Thank you!
A fusion of Celia and Staph. Isaac encounters her in Burgrr, Inc.
- The Captain: She commands the FRN-1 and its crew like a Star Trek captain commands the starship Enterprise.
- Captain's Log: As part of the Star Trek parody, has been keeping one.
- The Good Queen: She's a much better person as a queen than she ever was as "Bandit Princess Celia."
- Fusion Dance: Of Staph and Celia. Like Staphellie, Staphelia's name is a fusion as well. Unlike Staphiellie, Staphelia is able to maintain her fusion for as long as she wants.
- Living Ship: The FRN-1, a neck-based Slob.
- Mental Fusion: So far, Celia is definitely the dominant ego. The mental fusion also seems to have helped her Staph half work around the Parliament's Perception Filter, a feat not yet achieved by any other medical practitioner, albeit with a big headache.
- Miss Big: In contrast to Celia and Staph, who stood around the same height as Fern, Staphelia is a miniscule being. She might very well be microbe-sized!
- Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: She has been taking advantage of the Red Blight and spreading it to benefit her people. But after receiving new info from the Buzzers, she is starting to realize that the Red Blight poses an existential threat to the Perception Range and has been forced to end these operations until she can learn more.
- The Royal We: On one hand, she is a queen. But Staphelia takes this trope further than even most royals would. She's very conscious of the fact that she's a fusion to the point where she'll insist on being referred to in plural terms. ("Captains" Staphelia, instead of just "Captain.")Staphelia: We never would have forged our unified MYCOBACTERIAL EMPIRE without [Fern] to inspire my brilliance! Er...our brilliance. Sorry, us.
Minions
Kidney Stone Baby
Babies needs plenty of rest…
- You can't help feeling terrible right now, even for killing a giant kidney stone in self defense, but its young are already back to giggling at one another as they chew on what used to be their mother. Morbidly fascinated by the disturbing scene, you almost jump as something brushes your foot. You get an overpowering feeling that the tiny thing wants to come with you, for whatever reason. This seems to be confirmed by its happy cooing as it is picked up and put into your tote bag, followed by a loud, cartoonish snoring. It fades as the bag goes wherever it goes when you're not paying attention to it.
Technically, one could argue this was the actual first being to join Fern, not Celia. But the story treats the Kidney Stone Kid as a Pokemon-esque "minion,"
◊ which she can send to attack enemies on her behalf.
- Damage Over Time: Its special ability as a minion of Fern's; one HP of damage per turn, delivered straight to a foe's bladder.
- Happily Adopted: Opts to embrace Fern as its new mother right away, rather than devour its old mother alongside its siblings.
- Heavy Sleeper: It can slumber for hundreds of the comic's webpages without needing to get up.
- Know When to Fold 'Em: When confronted with a bladderless enemy, the kidney stone baby will retreat back into Fern's inventory.
- Live Item: It will sleep until such time as Fern needs its help.
- Mon: Playfully subverted its its 'fight' against the Polyp. Then played much straighter, starting from Fern's fight against Jay.
- The Speechless: Justified; it's just a baby, and only makes baby noises.
- Weaponized Offspring: By its real biological mother in her fight against Fern.
Ramblin' Evil Colorectal Polyp
He'll nestle straight into heart... and your colon.
- Polyp: HOWDY STRANGER! THAT'S SURE ONE COZY SMELLIN LOWER INTESTINE YOU GOT THERE!
The second "minion" which Fern carries in her inventory, who formed a fast friendship with the Kidney Stone Kid.
- Animate Body Parts: ...Would a polyp count as a 'body part?'
- Crippling Overspecialization: It has an awe-inspiringly exhaustive knowledge of colons, a snarky attitude, and precious little else.
- Enemy Scan: The Polyp has a strange ability called "telecolonalysis". It allows him to assess the strengths, weaknesses, and motivations of others at a downright psychic level; however, it only works on those who possess colons. Fern was shocked and disappointed that he was unwilling to do more for her, combat-wise.
- Has a Type: When it comes to the ladies, he's a big "ass"◊ aficionado.
- Heavy Sleeper: Just as much as his kidney stone pal.
- Live Item: He's good for talking with the locals, analyzing enemies, and other assorted stuff.
- Minion with an F in Evil: So far, he's 'evil' in name only. He does have a tendency to ramble, though.
- Odd Friendship: A polyp and a kidney stone... who'd've thought?
- One-Tract Mind: Colons.Polyp: You got yourself a colon, I can "get" you. You make sense. The lil' stone kid, that ain't got a colon, but it knows a thing or two about passing through orifices. I "get" that. Makes sense. Doctor chucklesnote ...yeesh...no colon, no particular opinion of colons. No immediate relationship to anything even like a colon. No thanks! A real freak-oid, that one.Fern: There… aren't a whole lot of subjects you can help me with, are there…Polyp: I am what I am!
- Shout-Out: To the "Ramblin' Evil Mushroom" enemies from EarthBound.
- Unwanted Glasses Plot: The Polyp said he used to own a pair of glasses, but threw them out. Keep in mind: he has no eyeballs.
- Your Mime Makes It Real: At one point, he acts like a man searching his pockets for a scrap of paper. He even finds "it," commenting that it's a "little smudged." But Fern sees nothing there.You can't see anything the polyp might actually be reading from. It's just sort of jiggling. Zone stuff, you guess. Ugh.
Antibiotic Ointment
- Antibiotic Ointment: Hi! I negate malady-type combat damage to an assigned party member. Malady-based opponents may sustain recoil damage.
Apply Ointment evenly to areas affected by status conditions.
Originally a minion of Dr. Man's; the Antibiotic Ointment became Fern's third minion.
- Animate Inanimate Object: A living, talking tube of antibiotic ointment.
- Flat Character: Out of all Fern's minions so far, the Antibiotic Ointment has shown the least amount of personality.
- It May Help You on Your Quest: Dr. Man gave the Antibiotic Ointment to Fern near the end of Chapter Three, in hopes that it would help protect her from the perils of the Maternity Ward.
- The Medic: As its quote says, the Ointment's role is to heal damage afflicted by "maladies".
- No Name Given: It's just "Antibiotic Ointment."
- Redemption Demotion: "Redemption" isn't really the proper term, because Dr. Man was never a villain. That said, Fern is unable to use the Ointment as effectively as Dr. Man did, which definitely is a demotion!FERN DEPLOYED THE ANTIBIOTIC OINTMENT!ENEMY MALADY DAMAGE WILL BE HALVED THIS BATTLE!(Sorry, Fern, it doesn't work as well on you as it does in the hands of a Hospital doctor)
