The good folks of Burgrr, Inc. know that the most important ingredients of all are the people who walk through their doors.
Covers all employees of the Burgrr Inc., restaurant franchise. They are known to other Zones as the Recombinators.
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Harmburger
Kiss the cook.
- It's a hamburger. Or maybe it's a cheeseburger. Whatever. Things squirm in its rancid, dribbling ground beef. Its unblinking eyeballs bulge hungrily. It's such a ludicrous sight you almost don't notice the blood-stained cleaver.
This rotting assembly of meat, wheat products, and vermin is employed as a chef at the hospital's cafeteria. Though he might look simple, he's surprisingly agile with a meat cleaver.
- Abhorrent Admirer: Harmburger's NOT comfortable when Fern begins hitting on him.
- Anthropomorphic Food: He's like some putrescent, bug-infested cousin of Mayor McCheese.
- Beware the Silly Ones: If the cleaver wasn't enough warning. He's also been
warned◊ against infiltrating the hospital for reasons unknown.Dr. Phage: "On a more personal note, yeesh, this guy." - Chef of Iron: When there's an enemy to fight, Harmburger brings out his cleaver.
- Expressive Mask: Harmburger's body is thoroughly infested with vermin that form facial expressions for him. He even anime-sweatdrops... with a blue slug.
- Mascot Villain: Harmburger is◊ to Burgrr Inc. what Colonel Sanders is to Kentucky Fried Chicken.
- Muck Monster: Every bit as much one as Trubbish and Garbodor from the Pokemon series.
- Names to Run Away from Really Fast: HARM-burger.
- Poor Communication Kills: Nearly killed Staphelia because they were unable to communicate to him that the FRN-1 Neckslob was their ship. The Commentators were able to clear things up for him, but it was challenging because they had to convey the message through a limited number of emojis.
- The Secret of Long Pork Pies: Consuming his sloppy joes is not recommended.
- The Speechless: One single sigh is all that Harmburger's ever vocalized, so far.The thing sighs audibly, slumps a little and gazes sadly to the floor.
BBQ Girll
Garrulous, gleeful, genki grill girl.
- BBQ Girll: We will need to conceptualize the appropriate deverberator, and unfortunately, we are not cleared for manifestation outside our conceptual zones. We will need you to bring back the correct materials from The Hospital.Fern: ...What kind of "materials?"BBQ Girll: Don't sweat it, bubbleguts, we made you a list.
An anthropomorphic barbecue grill with corporate cheer and spirit to spare. She appears to manage the Burgrr facility adjacent to(?) the hospital's cafeteria.
- Beware the Silly Ones: Laugh at her antics, but don't go near her meat grinder.
- Blue-and-Orange Morality: Thought it would be a real treat for Fern to eat herself.
- Cloud Cuckoolander: She's a bit ditzy.
- Cute and Psycho: She really, really likes edible Body Horror.
- Dissonant Serenity: She never stops smiling.
- Eats Babies: After (so to speak) brains, they discovered gray-zoner genitalia. Babies come pre-marinated.
- Game Face: She has a nightmarish, hot-grease-oozing alternate form.
- Has a Type: Likes "Cuties". Her character journal shows she is "Single :c", though.
- Hollywood Tourette's: A non-profanity-based version.BBQ Girll: We are not of The Hospital. We are of the MARVELOUS FOOD DREAM!!! 1000% EAT!!!Fern: ...What?BBQ Girll: What's what? Look, chesterflap, if you've branched correctly you should be perceiving the MEAT TIMES ETERNITY, FLESH FOR A WORLD OF MEALENATING.
- Meat Versus Veggies: BBQ Girll's profile has a striking red and underlined dislike of "vegetation". A hard dislike that seems to be shared by the rest of Burgrr, if their completely meat-based food is anything to go by.
- The Nicknamer: "Meatlet", "joemaam", "bugprince", "kangaroo", "crablocks"... and those are just the first few.
- Perky Female Minion: She's always highly energetic!
- Playing with Fire: In combat, her weapon of choice is some kind of toothy charcoal ghost thing that she keeps under her hat.
- Unexplained Recovery: As told in the original Burgrr Entries and later mentioned by BBQ Girll in her blog, she had her "bio-core" smashed with a shovel. She got better and seemed to treat the entire incident as just a minor annoyance.
- You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: Now enjoy your complimentary autoconceptual foodmatters!
Double Doors(?!?!)
You're not leaving on an empty stomach.
- Double Doors: There's only one way out of here with that thing, and you're prooobably not gonna like it near as much as I am. It's really really funny to me.
The pair of doors leading into the hospital's cafeteria, which can speak directly into the protagonist's mind. It's witty and generally friendly, though it does push the cafeteria's meals a tad aggressively. Its name is )(_)(.
- Affably Evil: Just a highly enthusiastic... salesdoor.
- Eldritch Abomination: Dear God, what IS that thing?!?! BBQ Girll's Character Blog implies that it's grown beyond its programming in ways that are worrying even the Burgrr staff.
- Food Chains: The Double Doors wanted Fern to eat that sloppy joe the way Jadis wanted Edmund Pevensie to eat her Turkish Delight.
- Hollywood Tourette's: Another non-profanity-based version.Fern: ...What did you say you were the doors to, again?Double Doors Huh? I didn't say. What are youuULTIMATE FEAST MATTER SINGS A SECRET MEAL TIME WISHabbling on about?
- No-Sell: Fern attempts to smuggle the sloppy joe out of the cafeteria by stowing it into her hyperspace tote bag. Double Doors remains firmly closed.
- Our Doors Are Different: Door-ish, sapient, highly persuasive circuit webs, to be precise.
- This Cannot Be!: Double Doors is rather astonished that the "weapon" Fern selects to defeat him ends up working.
- The Unpronounceable: Good luck getting )(_)( through a human throat.
- Villain Override: What an M1 Abrams tank is to forceful entry, Double Doors is to Mind Control. He doesn't merely try to hypnotize Fern, he barrages her mind with psychic coercion, and even reaches past the fourth wall to "edit" the words of the Commentators who're screaming at Ms. Green to resist his influence, so it looks like they're agreeing with him.
- Weaksauce Weakness: A yellow sticky note on which the words "Out Of Order Sorry" are written beside a frowny face.
- Wham Line:Fern: The mouth guy...Double Doors: Forget him.Fern: ...but he has a key I nee-Double Doors: No, not him. Your kid. Forget him. >Eat your sandwich. You've earned it!
Stone Slab
For information about this employee, please click here.
The Redheaded Employee / "Miss"
Yeah, Earth was destroyed by monsters, but nobody back there mattered to her anyway.
- Miss: How you holding up, anyway?Fern: "Holding up?"Miss: Wwweeeee don't really get all that many... human being people lately. Not since home got all, you know.The young lady makes a breathy mouth sound and gesticulation representative of something exploding.
A young redheaded human woman, working as a Burgrr cashier, alongside Stone Slab.
- Conditioned to Accept Horror: Even before the events of Awful Hospital, she was already experiencing branchitization and began to see things that most people from the Grey Zone could not. She got used to it over time, so by the time the Grey Zone got messed up, it was just the tip of the iceberg for her.
- Fantastically Indifferent: As Fern notes, she is awfully calm about the apocalypse back on Earth.
- Forced Sleep: Can invoke this with her phone, using what the comic calls Sigh Wave.
- Guest-Star Party Member: Joins the team for a battle against a Folder, but Bogleech has
stated that having her join permanently would cause too many delays. - Homeworld Evacuation: Somehow, she was able to survive and escape the Gray Zone's apocalypse and found a new life for herself here at Burgrr.
- McJob: Her vocation, here at Burgrr.
- A Million Is a Statistic: Basically the reason she manages to be so Fantastically Indifferent. What happened to her homeworld was just so weird and on such a large scale that she can't really contextualize it enough to be upset about it.
- No Name Given: She's a rebellious teen who isn't on the best terms with her family as well as transgender. When Fern asks for her name, she says she's undecided and still working on it. She eventually lets Fern go with "miss".
- Non-Standard Character Design: She's the first bona fide human being Fern's encountered since she was brought to the Hospital, (not counting Dr. Man,) whose body has normal, natural coloration.
- Pro-Human Transhuman: Her time in the zones has given her all sorts of superhuman fatigue inducing abilities through her phone, and she prefers Fern's company over that of her co-workers.
- Reluctant Warrior: She's not a particularly violent sort, but when the Folder attacks, we get to see she's not just much more durable than you'd think, she can use her phone to fire attacks.
- Token Human: She's the first proof that they exist in other non-Gray places besides The Hospital!
- Trans Tribulations: Being transgender is implied to be part of why she's on bad terms with her mother.
- The Slacker: She doesn't have much interest in working hard. When she was supposed to be watching the front counter she simply propped up a mop to take her place while she sat in the break room.
- The Stoner: Miss replied "lucky" to being informed that Fern was gassed and now acting loopy. Later when having to prod Fern now in a slob body out of the store she thinks to herself "I miss being high".
Dr. Everton Morteus Balmer
For information on this employee, click here.
Vending Machine
For information about this employee, please click here.
