Hi. I'm Louis Cypher, Head Manager of the Chaotic Evil Division at Trope Co.® and I am here to offer a once in a lifetime offer for an Ancient Artifact™ that fits your megalomaniacal disposition and aspirations of world domination and destruction!.
Introducing the Artifact of Doom™! With the Trope Co.® Artifact of Doom™, you can obtain eldritch powers that can ruin any hero's day.
It comes in red, black, Red and Black, White and Red, green, purple and — for the ladies — Psycho Pink! Our Artifact of Doom™ comes in one of seven models of your choice:
- The Artifact of Death™! Want your enemies dead? Send them an Artifact of Death as a Christmas gift and heads are guaranteed to roll! This thing is so deadly, it will kill the entire post office the moment it makes it to the delivery truck!
- The Artifact of Attraction™! No one knows what it does, but everyone wants it and its just flying off the shelves! It'll drives your enemies crazy with desire and greed, ensuring a full breakdown of any Fellowship unfortunate enough to find it.
- The Apple of Discord™! Goodbye team cohesion, hello chaos and rubbish! That pesky Super Team just too damn good together? The Apple of Discord will snag that cohesion and split them up faster than The Beatles at Lennon's wedding.
- The Tome of Eldritch Lore™! You book worms and Evil Sorcerers can't pass up having one of these bad boys in your collection. Raise the dead, summon the Devil, become a dragon! From front cover to back this Tome is full of things man was not meant to know... would you like to know more?
- The Evil Weapon™! Are books too wordy and boring for you? There's nothing wrong with falling back on what works, and a sword with a mind of its own with a taste for the souls of your enemies always gets the job done.
- The Unholy Holy Sword™! While having a soul-eating sword is great, maybe you aren't much of a fighter, so why not trick that gullible hero to damning himself with a weapon too good to be true? With the Unholy Holy Sword™, that idiot will think they're given an Artifact of Hope™ handed to them on a silver-platter when it will actually doom them to a doomy-doom ending!
- The Evil Mask™! The latest in Demonic Possession, we guarantee anyone who wears out Evil Masks will find themselves powerless to resist its influence. It'll transform your mind and your body as it converts your karma into a fun Gacha Game of beastly parts.
- The Corrupter™! Highly contagious malice ready for firing into your unsuspecting hero. Starve their virtues, feed their Fatal Flaws. You'll have a new minion, friend and inevitable betrayal within the week.
- Sealed Evil in a Can™! The end-all and the be-all. Simply open the can with your Trope Co.®-brand Sealed Evil Can-Opener and your own custom-made Ancient Evil will do the rest. Kick back and relax as the crops fail, miscarriages go off en-masse, The Legions of Hell crawl out from the mud and the sun eclipses.
The Artifact of Doom™ is a guaranteed tool for any aspiring Generic Doomsday Villain and ensures a positive trend on any Tin Tyrant's resume.
For just one easy payment of your immortal soul, you can procure your own Artifact of Doom™. Let's face it, you didn't need that thing anyway.
The Artifact of Doom™: It's the Doomy Dooms!
Trope Co.® is not responsible for Dump Stats or Diminishing Returns in Experience Points that may result from any involuntary Face-Heel Turns caused when using Artifact of Doom™. Side-effects may include Sanity Slippage, spontaneous giggling, chronic misfortune, irritable bowel syndrome and a Class 6 End of the World Scenario. Do not handle Artifact of Doom™ if you are pregnant, are planning on becoming pregnant, are breastfeeding or are in possession of a Trope Co.® Artifact of Hope™.
If you are not satisfied with your Trope Co.® Artifact of Doom™, then your money is gone and you aren't getting it back because it's ours now and no one cares what you think.
Batteries not included.
