The episode "Tsst" has Cartman give an absolutely brutalversion of this to one of the nannies.
Cartman: Well, I'm feeling confused, because I don't understand why you became a nanny. Stella: (the nanny) Me? Well, it's because I love children, like you. Cartman: Right, but... if you love children so much, how come you're not a mommy? Stella: Oh, I just never had kids. Cartman: Why not? Stella: It... just...didn't happen. Cartman:You're sterile, is that it? (she releases him, taken aback by the question) No, that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it? (her jaw drops) Always the mom's maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless. Stella: Why you, you... (stands up) you little bastard! How dare you?! Cartman's mom:Eric, naughty. Stella: What kind of (picks him up by the collar) monster would— Cartman: Yes, let the anger come! Strike me down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile!
Another great one that turns what appears to be a message of bigotry into one of tolerance — "All About Mormons" is mostly spent deconstructing the beliefs of Mormons, and Stan angrily makes his dislike for Mormonism known to a Mormon family who invited the Marshes over for dinner, and it appears for a moment that he's being portrayed as a hero. The next day, he is confronted by the boy who invited them over.
Gary: Maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense, and maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up. But I have a great life and a great family, and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don't care if Joseph Smith made it all up, because what the Church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people. And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan, but you're so high and mighty you couldn't look past my religion and just be my friend back. You've got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls. (Gary walks off; all four boys just look at him in wonder) Cartman:Damn, that kid is cool, huh?
In "Trapper Keeper", Mr. Garrison gives a good one to Rosie O'Donnell — though it could be targeted at any Hollywood celebrity involved in politics — during the Kindergarten class presidential elections:
Rosie O'Donnell: We're just making sure that the kids that voted for my nephew don't get cheated. Mr. Garrison: Half the kids in the class didn't vote for your nephew! So what about them?! You don't give a crap about them because they're not on your side! People like you preach tolerance and open-mindedness all the time but when it comes to Middle America, you think we're all evil and stupid country yokels who need your political enlightenment! Well just because you're on TV, doesn't mean you know crap about the government! Now get your ass back on first class and respect this class's right to make up their own minds!
Stan gave one to Al Gore after the end of "ManBearPig" when he and his friends narrowly escaped a cave in that was soon flooded (All caused by Gore himself), which Gore tried to take the credit for saving them. But Stan will not have any of it:
Stan: Stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends! But now I see why you don't have any friends! You just used ManBearPig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a loser!
Stan: Look, my friend Kyle won't fly back home to Colorado. All I need you to do is just talk to him and tell him, you know, the whole talking to dead people isn't for real. John Edward: Maybe it is for real. Stan: Right, but it's not. It's a trick you do and I need you to just let my friend Kyle know that so he can go on with his life. John Edward: Look, people have the right to be skeptical. I really hear voices in my head. Stan: Yes. We all hear voices in our heads. It's called "intuition." Get over yourself and tell my friend it's just for fun. John Edward: Look, what I do doesn't hurt anybody. I give people closure and help them cope with life. Stan: No, you give them false hope and a belief in something that isn't real. John Edward: But I'm a psychic. Stan: No dude, you're a douche. John Edward: I'm not a douche! What if I really believe that dead people talk to me? Stan: Then you're a stupid douche. John Edward: I think I've had of you bullying me! Get out of my house or I'll run upstairs, lock myself in my panic room, and call the police! Stan: I'm nine years old. John Edward: I'm not talking to your friend and I'm not a douche! (runs up the stairs and towards his room as his voice gets whinier) You'd better get out of my house, 'cause I'm gonna call the police! (Stan looks at him like he's nuts; he locks himself in his panic room) Stan: You are so a douche! I'm nominating you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche! (walks towards the door, but notices some books on a bookcase nearby. He checks them out. "How To Be A Psychic" "Cold Reading: The Trick Of The Psychic!" "Make Women Believe You're Psychic! Then Have Sex With Them!" "How To Sixty Nine With Yourself" ...Stan senses the real reason behind John's efforts) Son of a bitch. (takes the books and leaves the estate)
Later:
Stan: Kyle! Kyle! Kyle: Don't try and stop me, Stan! This is what my grandma wants! Stan: Look, I went and saw that John Edward guy. He's just a big douche. Kyle: He's not a douche! He talked to my grandma! Stan: Kyle, you can't run your life based on what some douchey psychic said. They all just use a technique called "cold reading". They've used it for hundreds of years to make people believe them.
Later still:
Stan: Here. Look, Kyle. I found tons of testimonials on the Internet saying that John Edward has the entire studio wired to hear what people are talking about before the show. And, he pays actors to be plants in the audience. Kyle: You're just jealous he's a better psychic than you. Stan: Fine, I give up! You wanna stay in New York?! Then go ahead! (throws the stack away and leaves; he reaches the front doors, opens them, and is face-to-face with John Edward) John Edward: So, you think you can talk to dead people better than me, huh?! Stan: No, I don't think either one of us can. (Kyle gets up from his seat and leaves the room) John Edward: They told me your show is getting better ratings than mine, that you're saying I'm a fraud on your show! You'd better not ever call me a liar, or a fake, or a douche again, or else I'll sue you for slander! Stan: I'm saying this to you, John Edward; you are a liar, you are a fake, and you are the biggest douche ever! John Edward: Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche?! Stan: Because the big questions in life are tough. Why are we here? Where are we from? Where are we going? But if people believe in asshole douchey liars like you, we're never gonna find the real answer to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche!
And finally:
Stan: You see, I learned something today. At first I thought you were all just stupid, listening to this douche's advice, but now I understand that you're all here because you're scared. You're scared of death and he offers you some kind of understanding. You all want to believe in it so much, I know you do. You find comfort in the thought that your loved ones are floating around trying to talk to you, but think about it: Is that really what you want? To just be floating around after you die, having to talk to this asshole? (the audience is listening) We need to recognize this stuff for what it is; magic tricks. Because whatever's really going on in life and in death is much more amazing than this douche. (more audience listening, reflection; Kyle is present; One man claps, then others clap with him)
And the episode ends with John Edward actually being crowned The Biggest Douche in the Universe.
Butters gives one to his parents (on their anniversary!) in "Butters' Very Own Episode" after he's nearly been killed by his mother and to stop their fighting:
Butters: Now gosh darn it, you! (steps in between his parents) You listen here! Now I am sick of these harmless lies and l-little white lies. You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinkin' lie! And when you start coverin' up one lie with another why, now that's when you get into real trouble! (Chris and Linda listen) Boy I've, I've just about had it up to here (puts his right hand to his chin, palm down) with you two!
Butters' speech to his bullying grandmother in "Butterballs" is an epic, Tranquil Fury-laced one and possibly his ultimate CMOA; with him ultimately proving to her that she couldn't break him, that she's an empty, miserable person for what she does, and when she's withering and dying he'll still come see her; just to show how he's alive and strong despite everything she's done, and that he'll ultimately have the last laugh in her final moments. Her expressions throughout show how effective this speech is on her.
Butters: (walks into Grandma Stotch's bedroom, she wakes up) Grandma? I did it grandma, I finally stood up for myself, I got real mean and I beat the snot out of Dr. Oz. (her expression hardens, silently trying to ignore Butters) I can't lie, it felt kind of good. At first... but since then, all I have is this kind of dark empty feeling, and then I realized, that's how you must feel, all the time. Poor old grandma. You know, I've been getting lots of advice on how to deal with you. Stand up to you, tell on you... but I kind of realize that there's just people like you out there, all over the place. When you're a kid, things seem like they're going to last forever, but they're not. Life changes, you won't always be around. Someday, you're going to die, someday pretty soon. (Grandma Stotch blinks, shocked by the realisation) And when you're laying in that hospital bed, with tubes up your nose, and that little pan under your butt to pee in, I'll come visit you. I'll come just to show you that I'm still alive and I'm still happy, and you'll die, being nothing but you. (walks to the door, nonchalantly) 'Night, grandma! (leaves, shutting the door behind him and leaving her to ponder her fate alone in the darkness)
There's one Reason You Suck Speech that tops that one, though - Butters' lambasting of the counselors at the "Pray The Gay Away" camp in "Cartman Sucks".
Butters: All right, that does it! I am sick and tired of everyone telling me I'm confused! I wasn't confused until other people started tellin' me I was! You know what I think? I think maybe you are the ones who are confused!... I'm not gonna be confused anymore just because you say I should be! My name is Butters, I'm eight years old, I'm blood type O, and I'm bi-curious! And even that's okay! Because if I'm bi-curious, and I'm somehow made from God, then I think your God must be a little bi-curious himself!
Butters again in "The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs". After framing him for writing a dirty novel they wrote (and convincing him he subconsciously wrote it), the four boys are horrified when Butters is actually praised for its quality and becomes a celebrity. They chastise him for taking credit, only for him to bite back, leaving them speechless.
Kyle: Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have the- Butters: No, let me tell you somethin', fellers! You always take advantage of me, and after reading "Catcher in the Rye," I've learned you're nothing but phonies! I'm not letting you trick me this time! So the four of you can just suck on my wiener! (Butters walks off, leaving the four boys stunned) Cartman: (Beat) That inconsiderate jerk!
And once again Butters in "Going Native", when he tells off all the boys in his class after beating up a diabetic classmate and confronted about it.
Butters: (runs out of the bathroom, points at Kyle) You just think you know everything, don't you Kyle?! Every little thing you gotta shoot your mouth off like you're the frickin' expert! Well you don't know everything because (points to Stan) your best friend is a kid who thinks the entire planet revolves around him and he only cares about his image! (runs back into bathroom, then runs out again) You guys think Cartman is the only selfish piece of crap in this school? You're all fake and stuck up, and none of you have the corn to tell Jimmy (points to Jimmy) that his jokes aren't funny! The only kid who has any sense of dignity here is Kenny (points to Kenny), and the rest of you have your heads up your butts! (runs back into the bathroom) Cartman: Well. Apparently Kenny is Butters' best friend. You guys gonna make out, Kenny? Butters: (runs back out) And that's another thing! You're always trivializing everything I say by gettin' the last word! Well you're not gettin' the last word this time! (runs back into bathroom and locks himself in) Cartman: …wow. Butters: (sticks his head out of the bathroom door)Double wow! (closes the bathroom door again and locks it)
Kenny also gives one about Madonna in "Kenny Dies", labeling her as "an old, anorexic whore who wore out her welcome years ago and that now she suddenly speaks with an British accent and she thinks she can play guitar and she should go fuck herself", according to Kyle's translation.
God gave one to Satan in "Probably". Amusingly, it fell under "Acquaintance vs Acquaintance" version, calling him a whiny little bitch for constantly choosing to be in relationships that don't make him happy when he used to be a headstrong rebel.
In "Pandemic 2: The Startling", Craig, in a quiet, subdued voice, tells the four boys that no one in their class likes them because they get caught up in stupid, pointless adventures all the time. Multiple times.
Craig: Do you guys know why nobody else at school likes hanging out with you? Because you're always doing stuff like this, you're always coming with some stupid idea to do something, and then it backfires, and then you end up in some foreign country, or outer space or something. That's why no one likes hanging out with you guys. Cartman: You're being extremely negative Craig.
Craig: Was there ever a moment when you guys first came up with the genius plan to become a Peruvian flute band that any of you said "Hey, you know? This plan might backfire?". No, that never occurred to you. Because you guys are jerks. And you never learn from your mistakes. And that's why everyone at school thinks you guys are assholes. Kyle: That's not true. Kids at school like us. Don't they? Stan: Yeah dude, kids at school totally like us. Craig is just being a dick because we're having a tough time right now. Craig:I'm being a dick? Stan: Yes. Craig: You guys took my birthday money, got me arrested and sent to Miami with no way home except to take down the country of Peru, and I'm being a dick?
In "Eat, Pray, Queef", Sharon gives one to her husband after she sees a newspaper article saying that queefing is banned.
Sharon: You really think women cared that much about queefing? Is that really what you think this has all been about? This has been about women having a little bit of fun for once at your expense. For just this one time we could be the immature ones to make you feel uncomfortable. But no, you just couldn't let us have that one little thing, could you?! Because even though things are getting better for women, you still think of us as lesser people sometimes, and we always have to prove ourselves twice as hard. Congratulations, guys, (in tears) for getting your way... again.
In "Gluten Free Ebola", Wendy gives one to Stan after he tries to get back together with her when he broke up to make his startup company.
Stan: (walks up) Hey, Wendy. Wendy: You're... back? Stan: Yeah, the startup company thing didn't work out. Wendy: (flatly) Oh wow, I'm shocked. Stan: So hey, I was gonna see if you still wanted to see that stupid Maze Runner movie. Wendy: You broke up with me, Stan! You said you had to be "free to chase your dreams". Stan: Wendy, I thought my life was going in a different direction and I just felt that I, I really had to give it everything I had, you know. I had I had to focus on one thing. Wendy: Is that why you told Clyde that you broke up with me? Because you're about to be (does air quotes) "dripping in bitches"?! Stan: Huh? Why does everyone suddenly remember everything everybody says? (Wendy slams her locker shut, startling Stan, and she faces him) Wendy: I'm happy, Stan. I'm happy I know who you really are now. You're someone who can't be counted on! You're someone who can just bail on the people you love! (turns around and walks away)
In "Safe Space", a villain named Reality gave a huge one to all the people in the Shameless America Charity Event.
Reality: (jumps over the table and rushes the stage, then grabs the mic from Gigi Hadid) Give me that, you stupid bitch! (she walks off) What a lovely charity event. I suppose you're all feeling pretty good about yourselves, hm? What have you done? You've raised $300 by spending half a million on filet mignon and crystal glasses. (crowd is silenced and ashamed at themselves) Look at you, Vin Dipshit. You think fat-shaming is wrong, so in response you show off your abs. You're the one fat-shaming, idiot! What's the matter with you people?! (mockingly) You're saaad that people are meeean? Well I'm sorry, the world isn't one big liberal arts college campus! We eat too much; we take our spoiled lives for granted, feel a little bad about it sometimes! No, you wanna put up all your shit on the Internet and have every single person say "Hooray for you!". Fuck you. You're all pricks. And I've got news for you! While you've all been sitting here trying to feel good, the little boy who sucked all your shit is about to die from it!
In "Splatty Tomato" Kyle gives one to Heidi Turner and while it's a lot shorter than the others, it's arguably the most powerful one, to the point that it makes her realize how far she has changed from a kind caring girl to an obese Jerkass ever since she started dating Cartman. Doubles as an Armor-Piercing Response.
Heidi: Oh, what's the matter Kyle? You don't want me around 'cause you had the hots for me and I shot you down? Kyle: (coldly) I would never have the hots for the person you are now. (Heidi is stunned by Kyle's answer)
. They've used it for hundreds of years to make people believe them.