Recap / Tales From The Crypt S 5 E 8 Well Cooked Hams

Well Cooked Hams

There's a reason they say "Leave this to the professionals."

Recording: Colour e teal.
Crypt Keeper: Killer e teal.
Recording: Ooh, e la fanette.
Crypt Keeper: (he's revealed to be wearing a beret, a mustache, an ascot, and a striped shirt; he's also seated in front of a bottle of wine and a plate of cheese, grapes, and crackers, while the tape recorder he's practicing with sits next to him) Boo, e la fanette. (cackles; speaking to the viewers in a French accent) Bon soir, kiddies! I was just in the middle of my French lesson. Your pal, ze Crypt Keeper, has decided to see Le Mans! (in his normal voice) Imagine me in gay Scaree, sitting in a nice little café on the rot bank, sipping a glass of Cha-bleed while I write ghost-cards home to all my fiends. (cackles) Or I could stay home and tell you tonight's tale. It concerns an ambitious young magician who wants to expand his gore-izons, too, in a tasteless trick called: Well Cooked Hams.

Miles Federman (Billy Zane), the protégé of stage magician Zorbin the Magnificent (Martin Sheen), has been trying to become a magician in his own right, three months after Zorbin mysteriously disappeared. Miles, however, is an incompetent hack who blames everyone around him for his own incompetence, including his assistant Greta Kreutzel (Maryam d'Abo), who formerly worked with Zorbin, who he fires. When she returns to pick up her headdress, she notices that Miles is wearing a medallion that had belonged to Zorbin's family and accuses him of killing him, which he jokingly confirms. He laughs off her promises that she's going to call the police, since there was no body to prove that Zorbin was murdered. As Greta leaves, a mysterious stranger approaches her and addresses her by name, offering her a job.

After another failed show, the same stranger introduces himself to Miles as a fellow magician named Franz Kraygen (also Martin Sheen), inviting Miles to see his show. Kraygen ends the show with his greatest trick: the Box of Death, where he's chained up and locked inside a box, with swords set to stab the sides and a bowl of sulfuric acid rigged to pour in through a hole in the roof. When the devices are tripped, Kraygen falls out of the box, bloodied and screaming, only to stand up alive and well when the lights briefly cut out. Miles meets Kraygen in his dressing room, where the magician starts to tell Miles the secret of the trick, but stops when he realizes that the novice magician only wants to steal it for his own act. Miles stabs Kraygen through the heart in the ensuing struggle and dumps his body in a river, taking the Box of Death for himself.

Miles starts using the box in his own act, drawing sold-out crowds. A filmmaker by the name of Thomas Miller (also Martin Sheen) introduces himself to Miles and offers to film his latest show so it can be screened in theaters throughout the world. Miles accepts this deal, enticed by the promise of royalties, but as the finale begins, Greta slips backstage and sabotages the trick panel in the Box of Death that allows the occupant to escape. Trapped inside the box, Miles is grievously stabbed by the swords and burned by the acid. As he stumbles out and collapses before the panicking crowd, Thomas reveals himself to be Kraygen, who then reveals himself to be Zorbin, who actually survived Miles' original murder attempt and planned the entire scheme (with Greta's assistance) to get revenge on Miles for trying to kill him. When Miles finally dies, Zorbin takes back his medallion as he and Greta receive a standing ovation from the crowd.

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Tropes:

• The Ace: Zorbin the Magnificent is the ultimate stage magician, astoundingly good at tricks, escapes, disguises, and the like. He proves just how "magnificent" he is by faking his death by Miles' hand, and then disguising himself as not one, but two completely different people to screw him over and kill him as revenge for the attempted murder.
• Acting for Two: Or rather, three. Martin Sheen plays Zorbin, Kraygen, and Thomas. It's justified because the latter two are disguises worn by Zorbin.
• All Part of the Show: The audience at Miles' final show burst into uproarious applause after he dies onstage, celebrating the triumphant comeback of Zorbin the Magnificent.
• Asshole Victim: Miles, whose death brings joy and applause to his In-Universe viewers as much as it does to the real life viewers.
• Batman Gambit: Zorbin faked his murder by Miles and disguised himself as two completely different people to get Miles stuck in the Box of Death, rehired Greta so she could sabotage it, and taunts Miles in front of his audience as he dies as part of his grand comeback, as well as to get revenge on his treacherous student.
• Beleaguered Assistant: Greta can't stand Miles and his onstage incompetence. It's very clearly expressed in her Body Language, but she's forced to keep herself smiling for the audience. When she can't stand it anymore and walks off, Miles fires her for what he believes to be incompetence. The poor girl gets him back in a most satisfying manner, with the help of her new (actually former) boss.
  • Rachel and Cassandra, the assistants who act as Greta's replacements, aren't treated any better by Miles.
• Card-Carrying Villain: Miles, who shamelessly reveals that he (allegedly) murdered his mentor three months ago, and hasn't been arrested because there was no body found at the crime scene, flaunting how wicked he is to the infuriated Greta, who he already fired at this point.
• Changing Clothes Is a Free Action: Zorbin is able to disguise himself with remarkable speed, and does so as he reveals himself to the dying Miles, changing from Thomas to Kraygen (makeup included), then to his regular self in the span of seconds.
• Cool Old Guy: Zorbin, who survived Miles' attempts on his life and proves himself as one step ahead of his former student. It's clear just why he's called "the Magnificent".
• Dastardly Whiplash: Miles can be considered one, since he's got the requisite mustache, style, and attitude, and the appropriate musical cues are played on a honky-tonk piano whenever he's performing.
• Defiant to the End: Kraygen will never tell Miles how he escapes from the Box of Death, even as Miles kills him.
• The Dog Bites Back: Greta, the Lovely Assistant who's been mistreated by Miles every chance he got and was ultimately fired by the villainous bastard, gets sweet revenge by teaming up with her former employer Zorbin to sabotage the Box of Death so it kills Miles.
• Earn Your Happy Ending:
  • Greta gets her happy ending by helping kill the Jerkass Miles and becoming assistant to Zorbin once again.
  • Zorbin himself gets his happy ending by killing his treacherous student and making his grand return to the stage before an adoring crowd.
• The Edwardian Era: The episode is hinted to be set in this time period, seeing as how Thomas presents his "moving picture camera" and his idea to film Miles' show so it can be copied and screened in theaters worldwide to be "the future of entertainment".
• Escape Artist: Kraygen escapes from the Box of Death as the grand finale to his act. Miles tries to do the same, but thanks to Greta, it turns much more deadly.
• Exact Words: Miles' mocking reveal to Greta that he killed Zorbin has him revealing that the body was never found. Kraygen (Zorbin in disguise) later tells him that while he did hide the body, he never bothered to check if he was actually dead.
• Facial Horror: Kraygen gets hit with a heavy dose of this when he's doused with the sulfuric acid. His version of the illusion has the wounds on his face revealed to be makeup, but when Miles tries to do the same at the end, Greta's sabotage means that his wounds are genuine.
• Failed a Spot Check: As Kraygen (Zorbin) tells the dying Miles, he should've checked to make sure he was actually dead before he got rid of his body.
• Faking the Dead:
  • Zorbin fakes his death by Miles' hand twice, disguising himself as both Kraygen and Thomas to screw over his former student for trying to kill him.
  • The Box of Death is explicitly meant to allow a magician to cheat death for their audience.
• Foreshadowing:
  • Miles tells Greta that Zorbin's body wasn't found near the sight of his death as a means to say that he can't be tried for it. This is because Zorbin actually survived the murder attempt, and disguised himself as both Kraygen and Thomas to get back at Miles for his treachery.
  • Kraygen is also first seen peeking on Miles as he gazes at a poster of Zorbin, hinting at his true identity.
  • He further specializes in tricks involving fire, which Miles seems to have learned from Zorbin, as he performed one in the opening scene.
  • When Greta, acting as Kraygen's new assistant, she gives a cold glare at Miles as she locks Kraygen inside the Box of Death, indicating her plans to do the same to him.
  • The Box of Death itself is shaped like a coffin, and it's what kills Miles in the end, thanks to Greta sabotaging its trick panel.
• It Began with a Twist of Fate: After Greta storms out of Miles' dressing room, she returns to grab her headdress, whereupon she sees Zorbin's family medallion around Miles' neck, who jokingly tells her that he (allegedly) killed Zorbin himself. Thanks to this insignificant action, Greta and her former employer are able to get revenge on Miles for all he's done to them.
• Funetik Aksent: Greta and Kraygen (Zorbin in disguise) speak in strong European accents. Kraygen's is particularly over-the-top.
• Funny Foreigner: Kraygen, the magician who first owns the Box of Death.
• Gasp!: Greta releases a rather over-the-top one when Miles' flaming wand comes into contact with her unshielded hands.
• Gay Paree: The Crypt Keeper introduces the episode telling the viewers that he's learning French (with his usual puns, of course) in preparation for a trip to Paris. He's wearing a shirt with blue stripes, a beret, and a mustache to enforce some Hollywoodian clichés pertaining to France (mostly Paris).
• Gone Horribly Wrong: Miles' attempt to use the Box of Death backfires horrifically, due to Greta sabotaging it.
• Gratuitous German: Zorbin mixes some genuine German ("Kommen Sie!") with his Funetik Aksent English phrases while disguised as Kraygen.
• The Grotesque: Kraygen (a disguised Zorbin) is a hunchback with a Sinister Schnoz, but he's a legitimately astounding magician.
• Hated by All: Greta and Zorbin, belittled and almost killed by Miles, respectively, absolutely loathe him. That's nothing to say of his absolutely bored audience in the first scene.
• Hate Sink: Miles is an egotistical bastard who treats everyone that isn't him like shit, and goes so far as to kill both his mentor and another magician to steal their illusions to gain worldwide fame. His death actually has the In-Universe audience applauding as he dies, albeit because they think it's part of the show.
• Hollywood Acid: The Box of Death has a bowl of sulfuric acid that's rigged to be dumped on whomever is inside, so as to increase the spectacle when the trick is performed. Kraygen demonstrates how strong it is by completely dissolving a flower with it.
• Homage: The episode is one to the early hey-days of stage magic and illusionary artists such as Harry Houdini.
• Impossibly Awesome Magic Trick: The Box of Death, which appears to kill Kraygen onstage by stabbing him with several swords and dunking him with sulfuric acid. When Miles tries the trick himself, Greta sabotages it to actually kill him.
• Inept Mage: Miles is a terrible magician who blames everyone else when a trick goes wrong, and he only achieves true success when he steals the prop of a fellow magician, whom he kills.
• Is There a Doctor in the House?: Miles pleads for a doctor as he's dying from his botched attempt to escape the Box of Death.
• It's All About Me: Miles wants to be the best magician who ever lived, and he has no problem firing his assistants and killing other magicians to take their props for himself to do so.
• Leave the Camera Running: In-Universe. Zorbin, disguised as Thomas, leaves the camera he was operating running as Miles dies on stage, handing it off to Greta so she can keep filming.
• Loser Protagonist: Miles is a horrible magician who blames everyone around him for his own lack of talent. He only gets huge audiences when he kills a fellow magician and steals his most famous trick, and he's outdone and ultimately done in by his Not Quite Dead mentor, as revenge for trying to kill him.
• Lovely Assistant: Greta, who once worked as the assistant of Zorbin, then was forced to do so for Miles. When she quits, Miles hires two other assistants, Rachel and Cassandra, to assist him. Greta later gets her job back with Zorbin when she helps him kill Miles as revenge for almost killing him.
• Magic Misfire: Greta sabotages the Box of Death during Miles' finale, turning what was meant to be a masterful illusion into a legitimate death trap that kills Miles.
• Magic Wand: Miles uses one in the opening scene, which catches fire to show how lousy he is at stage magic.
• The Magnificent: Zorbin's stage name, and the ending shows that he truly lives up to the name.
• Master of Disguise: Zorbin very convincingly disguises himself as fellow magician Franz Kraygen (with glasses, a long nose, and a ham-tastic Funetik Aksent with shades of Gratuitous German) and as filmmaker Thomas Miller (with a beard and an over-the-top Southern accent). His skills are powerful enough to easily fool Miles, and the ending even shows that he can switch between the disguises in mere seconds.
• Meaningful Name: Miles is a literal Miles Gloriosus who thinks of himself as the greatest magician alive.
• Memento MacGuffin: Zorbin's treasured family medallion, which clues Greta in on the fact that Miles killed him. The episode ends with Zorbin collecting it from Miles' dead body and putting it around his neck once again.
• Miles Gloriosus: True to the Meaningful Name mentioned above, Miles, a talentless loser, thinks himself as an astounding magician.
• Never Found the Body: Miles admits that Zorbin's body was never found after humorously revealing to Greta that he killed him, and he uses the fact that there's no proof to escape being arrested for doing so. This turns out to be because Zorbin survived the murder attempt and went incognito as two distinct people to kill Miles as revenge.
• Never My Fault: When it comes to stage magic, Miles thinks of himself as an expert. In reality, he's a talentless hack who blames everyone else when something goes wrong. The opening scene has him reprimanding and firing Greta after she walked out of his act upon seeing a failed trick, ignoring the fact that the trick failed because he threw his wand, which was on fire, into her unprotected hands.
• Not Quite Dead: It turns out that Zorbin survived Miles' attempts to kill him, and he disguised himself both as Thomas and Kraygen to get revenge on his traitorous student.
• Older Hero vs. Younger Villain: Billy Zane (Miles) is 26 years younger than Martin Sheen (Zorbin, Kraygen, and Thomas), even though Zorbin veers on being an Anti-Hero who deliberately causes Miles' death.
• Playing with Fire: One of Miles' regular tricks has him trying to summon flames from his hat. It goes awry rather quickly when his wand and the flowers he summons from the hat catch fire as well.
  • Kraygen also appears to produce a burst of flame from his hand when inviting Miles to see his own show, hinting that he shares a similarity to Miles' act.
• Post-Mortem One-Liner: Miles utters a deadpan "Ta-da." when he kills Kraygen.
• Pre-Mortem One-Liner: Zorbin tears into Miles, the apprentice who tried to kill him, with an awesome one just before he finally dies.
  Zorbin: Oh, Miles. Once a student, always a student. You're dismissed.
• Pull a Rabbit out of My Hat: Miles does a variation of the trick in the opening scene, summoning roaring fire from his hat. He then pulls out a bouquet of flowers out of the same hat, which catches fire.
• Rasputinian Death:
  • If what Miles says is true, he originally killed Zorbin by poisoning his brandy, shooting him in the brain, and having an elephant step on his head.
  • The Box of Death is supposed to create the illusion of one of these, given that it stabs its user several times and dumps sulfuric acid on their head.
• Silent Movie: Thomas tells Miles that he intends to film his show with a "moving picture camera", which he describes as "the future of entertainment" (while Miles calls it a mere toy), so it can be distributed in theaters. This hints that the episode is set when silent films were just beginning to break the mold.
• Smug Snake: Miles thinks he can kill two magicians, steal their most famous tricks, and get away with it. He actually sucks at stage magic, and his murder attempts end up causing his own downfall when said magician(s) survive and get him back.
• Speak in Unison: Rachel and Cassandra, Miles' replacement assistants after he fires Greta, do this near the end of the episode.
• Stage Magician: Zorbin is astoundingly good at stage magic. As part of his revenge plan for Miles, he passes himself off as Franz Kraygen, another stage magician with an over-the-top Funetik Aksent, and Thomas Miller, a filmmaker who offers to record Miles' show and screen it in theaters, in order to trick his murderous apprentice into setting up his own death.
• Stealth Pun: Miles is a literal Miles Gloriosus, noted above.
• Stepford Smiler: Greta, who has to keep smiling so long as she's onstage, no matter how much Miles and his ineptitude pisses her off, to the point where she walks off in disgust. The two assistants who Miles replaces her with, Rachel and Cassandra, do better at hiding their disgust, but they similarly tear into him offstage.
• Take This Job and Shove It: Greta tells Miles that she quits when he fires her after their failed magic show.
• Those Two Girls: Rachel and Cassandra, Miles' replacements for Greta, are never seen apart.
• Villain Protagonist: Miles, who nearly kills two magicians to steal their tricks for his own shows.
• World of Ham: Miles and Zorbin (as Kraygen, Thomas, and himself) are incredibly hammy, which is sort of a requirement to perform on stage. With a title like "Well Cooked Hams", the trope is pretty much a given for this episode.
• You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: Zorbin taught Miles about the world of stage magic in the hopes that he'd go on to be a great magician. Miles "thanked" his mentor by trying to kill him so he could become more famous.

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Crypt Keeper: (having removed his mustache and beret) Poor Miles! Just when he's ready to take the hacked on the road, he ends up on the silver scream! Still, I think he deserves another chance to get it right. You know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, die, die again! (cackles) As for me, kiddies, I'm just about ready to go. (holds up his documentation) Got my passport, my die-tinerary, and my ticket for the Con-gored. All I need now are my shots. (whips out a pistol and shoots himself in the mouth; the bullet exits through the back of his head and ricochets around the room) Ain't travel a blast? (cackles)