Dead Right
On her lunch break, the vicious, gold-digging secretary Cathy Finch (Demi Moore) stops by fortune-teller Madame Vorna's (Natalia Nogulich) shop on a friend's suggestion. Vorna predicts that Cathy will lose her job, but will find a new one by the end of the day. Disbelieving her claims, Cathy returns to the office, where her boss fires her for being late. Later that afternoon, she walks past a strip club and is immediately hired to replace a waitress who quits and storms out.
Inspired by this turn of events, Cathy visits Vorna again and receives a new prediction: she will meet a large man that night and marry him, the man will inherit a great deal of money soon afterward, and then he'll die violently, leading all the money to go to her. While working at the club, she meets Charlie Marno (Jeffrey Tambor), a grossly overweight, hideously ugly slob who asks her out to dinner as soon as he sees her. Repulsed by his advances, she flees the club and returns to Vorna, who stands by her statement and confirms that Charlie is the man Cathy will marry.
Cathy reluctantly accepts Charlie's offer of a date, but it proves to be a disaster for her. However, Charlie mentions that he has a rich uncle who owns a factory, and Cathy, remembering Vorna's prediction, agrees to marry him. Three months later, once Cathy is tired of Charlie's slovenly way of life, he surprises her with the revelation that his uncle has a family of his own and thus has no time for him. The furious Cathy storms down to Vorna's shop, angry that she married Charlie for nothing, but Vorna stands by her claim. While stopping at the Hudson Automat for a bite to eat, Cathy wins $1 million by the automat's chain for being its millionth customer, seemingly proving Vorna's prediction wrong. Returning to the apartment, she gloats to Charlie about her winnings and tells Charlie what she really thinks of him while packing to leave. Broken by the reveal, Charlie flies into a rage and stabs Cathy to death with a kitchen knife, screaming, "If I can't have you, nobody can!"
Vorna's prediction comes true when Charlie inherits Cathy's prize money, but is soon arrested, convicted, and executed for her murder. As Vorna watches live coverage of Charlie's execution, a new customer enters her shop and asks if she can predict the future, to which she demands the fee she asked Cathy for.
Tropes:
- The '50s: The episode is set in 1950, being the first episode of the series not to be set in contemporary times.
- Abhorrent Admirer: Charlie, in spades. Cathy only puts up with him due to Vorna's prophecy saying that he'll die and she thereby expects to inherit a huge amount of money from him. Of course, it doesn't quite work out in the way she expects.
- Allergic to Routine: Cathy wants to be rich because she doesn't want to waste her life in a menial desk job.
- All for Nothing: When she learns that Charlie's rich factory-owner uncle has no time for him because he has a family of his own, Cathy flips out at having spent months married to the obnoxious slob for nothing.
- Anachronism Stew: Cathy observes to her new boss that Charlie's big enough to have his own ZIP code. ZIP codes weren't invented until the 60's, and this episode takes place in 1950.
- Artistic License – Law:
- No news station in the world, much less the US, would ever be allowed to air a death row inmate's live execution on national TV. By law, only relatives of the victim, relatives of the prisoner, and the prison warden are allowed to view the execution.
- In real life, Charlie wouldn't have been able to inherit Cathy's winnings after he murdered her, meaning Vorna's prediction wouldn't have come true.
- Asshole Victim: After establishing how much of a greedy asshole she is, the episode puts Cathy through the wringer before the slovenly man she married stabs her to death.
- As You Know: By reading Cathy's vibrations, Vorna relays to her (and by extension, the audience) that she's a secretary who feels that she's wasting her life away in a desk job, and has always wanted to marry into wealth, so she continues to work her miserable job in the hopes that "Mr. Rich" comes along.
- Awful Wedded Life: Cathy and Charlie's marriage consists entirely of Cathy being stuck doing the chores, like cooking Charlie's many, many meals and folding his stained, foul-smelling laundry while Charlie himself just lounges around and eats. As for the sex, not even the episode itself wants to go there, so the act is represented by scenes of the pair dancing to "Cheek to Cheek". Repeatedly.
- The Bad Guy Wins: Assuming she gave her prediction For the Evulz, Vorna gets away with screwing Cathy and Charlie in one fell swoop.
- Beware the Nice Ones: Charlie could be seen as a decent guy, if not grotesque in appearance and manners. However, once Cathy makes it clear she hates his guts and plans to dump him, he flies into a rage and kills her.
- Big Eater: Charlie, given how grossly overweight he is. It's even pointed out on the news that his last meal was the largest that any death row inmate has ever had.
- Bookends: The beginning and end of the episode have a woman entering Vorna's shop asking if she can see the future.
- Butt-Monkey: As evil as she is, Cathy spends the whole episode being a punching bag, getting fired from her job, getting another job where she's treated with less decency, spending months in an unwanted marriage to a grotesque slob, and getting killed by said slob when she breaks up with him. Her rotten attitude should make it clear that she's deserving of this long chain of suffering.
- Chekhov's Gun: The Hudson Automat. The second act has the chain rewarding her $1,000,000 for being their millionth customer, seemingly proving Vorna's prediction wrong.
- Deadpan Snarker: Cathy's jokes about Charlie's manners and appearance, the man himself obviously missing the snark in her humor.
- Downer Ending: Cathy is killed by an enraged Charlie, who is then executed for her murder. Considering that they were both pretty unpleasant people, this ending is probably best for everyone else.
- Evil-Detecting Dog: Trotsky can sense what Cathy wants in life, and tugs at her skirt as she leaves Vorna's shop.
- Exact Words: To quote Madame Vorna: "He will inherit the money, and then he will die. Vorna is right. Vorna is always right".
- Fat Bastard: Charlie, especially after Cathy reveals that she hates his guts and plans to ditch him.
- Fortune Teller: Madame Vorna is the real thing, but she doesn't have the best interests of her customers in mind.
- Gold Digger: Cathy's sole reason for marrying Charlie, who she assumes will become rich, is to free herself from her menial existence as a secretary.
- Gonk: There are certainly words to describe Charlie, but with his face and figure, "attractive" or "handsome" ain't amongst them.
- Here We Go Again!: Once Cathy and Charlie are dead, a new customer enters Madame Vorna's shop and asks if she can predict the future, whereupon Vorna immediately charges her.
- High-Voltage Death: Charlie is executed in the electric chair after he kills Cathy, oddly being broadcast on TV as he fries.
- Hope Spot: As Charlie holds onto her with his knife raised, Cathy begs him to put down the knife. He seems to lower it down... and then comes the stabbing.
- If I Can't Have You…: Verbatim from Charlie.
- Imagine Spot: Cathy and her friend fantasize about the ways Charlie could possibly die, conjuring brief scenes of the guy getting hit by a car, flattened by a truck, and choking to death on a hunk of meat.
- It's All About Me: Cathy only cares about herself, getting rich, and leaving her miserable desk job behind her.
- Jabba Table Manners: Charlie's eating habits are simply disgusting.
- Jerkass: Cathy is an absolute bitch who only cares about getting enough money to keep herself secure and away from her miserable life forever.
- Love at First Sight: Charlie asks Cathy out the moment he first meets her. Cathy, of course, feels the exact opposite about him.
- Madness Mantra: Charlie's repetition of "If I can't have you, nobody can!" as he stabs Cathy to death.
- Marrying the Mark: Cathy learns from Madame Vorna that she is destined to marry a man who will inherit a fortune and then die. The man in question, Charlie Marno, is grotesque, slovenly, unhygienic, and annoying, so she is miserable in the marriage. When she wins $1 million at the Hudson Automat, she decides to end the marriage, but Charlie murders her in a fit of rage, inherits her money, and is then executed for the crime.
- Match Cut: Cathy leaving Vorna's shop and trying to shake Trotsky off her skirt instantly cuts to her entering the office.
- Nightmare Fetishist: Cathy really gets into describing how Charlie could possibly die, especially during her fantasy of him choking to death.
- Not Good with Rejection: Admittedly, Cathy really laid into him when she said she was leaving him, but Charlie doesn't take kindly to it.
- Pet's Homage Name: Madame Vorna's dog is named 'Trotsky'.
- Prisoner's Last Meal: The grossly overweight Charlie is arrested, convicted, and executed for Cathy's murder. It's reported on the news that his last meal was the largest any death row inmate has ever had.
- Prophecy Twist: Charlie does inherit a lot of money from a dead relative, and he does die violently. The problem is that the dead relative is Cathy herself, and he is executed in the electric chair for her murder.
- Running Gag: A mystical chime plays whenever one of Vorna's predictions comes true.
- Sexy Discretion Shot: The camera pans over to Charlie's record player as he and Cathy "consummate" their marriage. Every act of sex between them is represented by scenes of them dancing to "Cheek to Cheek". In the case of Charlie's appearance, the episode most likely uses these discretions as an act of mercy.
- Spanner in the Works: Cathy's friend, who sends her to Madame Vorna's shop and advises her to marry Charlie.
- Ugly Guy, Hot Wife: The rather pretty Cathy marries the hideous-as-sin Charlie.
- Umpteenth Customer: Cathy wins $1,000,000 when she becomes the millionth customer of the Hudson Automat. Unfortunately for her, this triggers the Prophecy Twist.
- Unhand Them, Villain!: When your enraged husband is standing over you and holding a knife in the air, yelling "Put the knife down!" might not be the best choice of words.
- Vomit Indiscretion Shot: After sharing a reluctant kiss with Charlie, Cathy is so disgusted that she pukes into the kitchen sink after he leaves.
