"I need to know what not to do on a date."
"Ooo, Swamp Diamond..."
Films watched: What to Do on a Date (short) and Swamp Diamonds
Joel and the 'Bots were less than impressed with Connors' pseudonym "Touch", which was his nickname when he played NCAA basketball.
What to Do on a Date is a 1950s educational short which stars the awkward Nick, who wants to go on a date with popular girl Kay, but can't think of an activity for them to do. The short gives him (and by extension, the teens of the time watching) a list of activities he could invite Kay to, including swim meets, weenie roasts, bike trips, and "scavenger sales."
The episode is available in the Gizmoplex here
.
The Segments:
Prologue
- Instead of helping Joel crunch numbers, Tom and Crow re-enact the Star Trek episode “This Side of Paradise”.
Segment 1/Invention Exchange
- Dr. Forrester and Frank demonstrate the U-View, a TV that displays a picture-in-picture scenario of what you could be doing at any moment... if you weren’t watching TV. Joel and the Bots present the Andrew Lloyd Weber Grill, which they use to burn the scores of his musicals, and even some that he didn’t write or compose.
Segment 2
- Inspired by the short, Tom desires to ask Gypsy out on a date. Joel and Crow ponder whether or not he's making the right move.
Segment 3
- Tom calls Gypsy to ask her out. Despite having his nerves get the best of him and resorting to saying “please” over and over, Gypsy begrudgingly agrees to go out with him.
Segment 4
- Joel and Crow arrange a scavenger sale for Tom and Gypsy’s date. Joel makes a lot of sandwiches and Crow makes a move on Gypsy while Tom’s distracted.
Segment 5
- Tom is confident that the date went well, but a call to Gypsy has her say that she just wants to stay friends. Tom’s broken heart is worsened when Joel reads a letter from a couple who are getting married. In Deep 13, Frank also wallows in heartache when the U-View shows him turning down a romantic encounter with Michelle Pfeiffer because of his love of Baywatch.
The MST3K treatment of What to Do on a Date provides examples of...
- Big "NO!": When the main character, Nick, looks at a list of events he could take Kay to for their date:Narrator: "Would Kay enjoy a bike trip?" [switch to a close-up of the list] "Or a weenie roast?"
Joel, Crow, and Servo: "Nick, NO!"
The MST3K treatment of Swamp Diamonds provides examples of...
- Call-Back: To the "to live like the hu-man" speech from Robot Monster, when riffing the Cor-Man's name.
- Cat Fight: While the female fight scenes were almost certainly made with this in mind, Crow and Servo definitely play along with it in their commentary.Crow: You usually see this kind of stuff on pay-per-view!
- Didn't Think This Through: Billie, upon finding the diamonds, tosses them up in the air and coos, "It's raining diamonds!" Half of them fall into the swamp, but none of the characters seem to care. Tom Servo mutters, "Not a good idea."
- Expo Speak Gag: During Servo and Gypsy's date at the scavenger sale Joel and Crow set up:Tom: Huzzah, fair maiden! Your prince have procured an elixir fit for only the fairest of the fair!
Gypsy: What...?
Tom: Uh... Joel brought us a couple of Cokes. - Forced Perspective: With the TV dominating the foreground between them, there's a quick joke where Frank and Forrester each reach out impossibly long arms to pass the remote to each other.
- The Long List: All the names "Touch" Connors might have taken:Thrust, Jab, Fudge, Crunch, Blast, Smidge, Shout, Batch, Scrod, Flake, Wink, Sploot, Pinch, Probe, Wing, Snake, Jab [again?], Grunt, Flink, Branch, Snake [again!] Pitch, Pat, Hal, Snake [yet AGAIN!], Snack, Slap
- In the Rough Cut, the crew adds more, sometimes saltier, names for him.Fritz, Poop, Splayed, Tucchus, Putz, Klutz
- In the Rough Cut, the crew adds more, sometimes saltier, names for him.
- Running Gag:
- Referencing Phil Harris, Curt Gowdy, The Gun in Betty Lou's Handbag, etc.
- Servo's narration during the many, many tracking shots of the swamp from the boat: "As we left the clam flowage that day..."
- Sophisticated as Hell: Invoked by Servo at Vera's Even Evil Has Standards moment:Vera: Nice kid! Sell her man right down the river!
Servo: (in bad Joisey accent) Yeah, some women have no class! - Spot the Impostor: When the girls are saying what they plan for the future, Servo has Lee say, "Well, I hope to make Detective... oops!"
- Take That!: The Andrew Lloyd Weber [sic] Grill, useful for burning Mr. Webber's various scores... and one co-written by Tim Rice and "those guys from ABBA."
- Take That, Audience!: In-universe, The U-View provides the user a glimpse at all the fantastic and wonderful things they could be doing right now... if they weren't sitting at home watching themselves on television, that is. Both Frank and Dr. F quickly become depressed at seeing their ideal lives (though Frank gets distracted again), and Clay bitterly decides to watch more TV just to forget it.
- This Is Gonna Suck: When Joel sees Roger Corman's name in the credits he groans, "Oh, this is gonna go down hard, guys."
- Whole-Plot Reference: The host segments follow a plot about Servo asking Gypsy out on a date, in a parody of the episode's short. It also serves to deconstruct the short's Eisenhowerrific
Values Dissonance.
