Quotes / The Office (US)

"I sold paper at this company for twelve years. My job was to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and types of copier paper. Even if I didn't love every minute of it, everything I have I owe to this job... this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job."

— Jim Halpert

Stanley Hudson: I know what you can do, Jim. Take those black licorice, then go get some of those red licorice. Take them in your hand, roll 'em up real tight...
Jim Halpert: And shove it up my butt!
Stanley Hudson: Damn it, Jim! You stole my afternoons, now you stole my line! It's not shove it up your butt, it's I'll kill you! I'll kill you dead!

"I thought it was weird when you picked us to make a documentary. But, all in all, I think an ordinary paper company like Dunder Mifflin was a great subject for a documentary. There's a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn't that kinda the point?"

— Pam Halpert

"I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It's every parent's dream."

— Michael Scott

"Have I gotten along with my suboordinates? Let's see. My supplier relations rep, Meredith Palmer, is the only person I know who knows how to properly headbang to Motorhead. Oscar Martinez, my accountant, is now godfather to my son. Angela Schrute, my former accountant, is now my wife. My top salesman, Jim Halpert, was best man at my wedding, and office administrator, Pamela Beesly-Halpert, is my best friend. So, yes, I'd say I have gotten along with my suboordinates."

— Dwight Schrute

"I spent so much of my time here at Dunder Mifflin thinking about my old pals, my college a cappella group. The weird thing is now, I'm exactly where I wanna be - I got my dream job at Cornell - and I'm still just thinking about my old pals. Only now they're the ones I made here. I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them. Someone should write a song about that."

— Andy Bernard

"You take something ordinary... a piece of paper. It's not much, but, if you see it in the right way... (holds up an origami swan he just folded) and that's what you did with this documentary. But, seriously, you made a nine-year documentary and you couldn't once show me doing my origami."

— Oscar Martinez

"How did you do it? How did you capture what it was really like? How we felt, and how we made each other laugh, and how we got through the day... how did you do it? Also, how do cameras work?"

— Erin Hannon

"Damn it, Dwight! Enough! Get your ass downstairs or find a new place to sell paper!"

— Deangelo Vickers

"Everyday when I came into work, all I wanted to do was leave. So why in the world does it feel so hard to leave right now?"

— Darryl Philbin

"If there is one thing that I have learned through this whole experience, it's that if you film anybody long enough, they're going to do something stupid. It's only human natural."

— Kevin Malone

"I'm happy that this was all filmed, so I can remember everyone and what we did. I worked for a paper company all these years and never wrote anything down."

— Phyllis Vance

"I just feel lucky that I got a chance to share my crummy story with anyone out there who thinks they're the only one to take a dump in a paper shredder. You're not alone, sister. Let's get a beer sometime."

— Meredith Palmer

"It all seems so very arbitrary. I applied for a job at this company because they were hiring. I took a desk at the back because it was empty. But, no matter how you get there or where you end up, human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home. Let's do this."

— Creed Bratton

"Yes, I have a dream. And it's not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse, then I want to live at the top, and nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press and launch that lighthouse into space."

— Stanley Hudson

"I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years, and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like... Mozart's friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like... Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in the head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy."

— Dwight Schrute

Dwight: I think Lex Luthor said it best when he said: "Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of."
Michael: Is that from Superman?
Dwight: Smallville. And that's why I should get a raise.