"Do I look like a white guy named Ward!?"
— Uncle Phil, "Striptease for Two"
"Oh come on Uncle Phil, you’re gonna ruin my rep."
— Will, "Bang the Drum Ashley"
Uncle Phil: You're 17, you don’t have a rep yet.
Jazz: Yo Mr. Banks, my tubby judicial brother.
— "Eyes on the Prize"
"Dad, I need $300."
— Hilary, Pilot
"I was trying to be in the video."
— Tyriq, "The Butler Did It"
Uncle Phil: We eat here later, you eat here never.
Jazz: Looks like you eat here often.”
— "Def Poets Society"
Phil: I'm sorry, Will.
Will: You know what? Actually, this works out better for me. You know, the slimmies this summer come to class wearing next to nothing, you know what I'm saying?
Phil: Will, it's all right to be angry.
Will: Hey, why should I be mad? I'm sayin' at least he said goodbye this time. I just wish I hadn't wasted my money buyin' this stupid present! (furiously yanks the statue out of his bag and places it on the table)
Phil: I'm... I'm sorry. You know, if there was something that I could...
Will: (gradually getting angrier) Hey, you know what? You ain't got to do nothing, Uncle Phil. You know, It ain't like I'm still five years old, you know? Ain't like I'm gonna be sittin' up every night askin' my mom "When is Daddy comin' home?" You know? Who needs him? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned, didn't I? And I got pretty good at it, too, didn't I, Uncle Phil?
Phil: Yeah, you did.
Will: Got through my first date without him, right? I learned how to drive, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without him, I had FOURTEEN great birthdays without him! He never even sent me a damn card. TO HELL WITH HIM!
(Phil breathes shakily)
Will: I didn't need him then and I don't need him now.
Phil: Will?
Will: No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'ma get through college without him, I'ma get a great job without him, I'ma marry me a beautiful honey and I'm havin' me a whole bunch of kids. I'ma be a better father than he ever was! And I sure as hell don't need him for that, cause ain't a damn thing he could ever teach me about how to love my kids! (begins to tear up) How come he don't want me, man?! (he and Phil embrace, Will quietly crying into Phil's shoulders)
Will: You know what? Actually, this works out better for me. You know, the slimmies this summer come to class wearing next to nothing, you know what I'm saying?
Phil: Will, it's all right to be angry.
Will: Hey, why should I be mad? I'm sayin' at least he said goodbye this time. I just wish I hadn't wasted my money buyin' this stupid present! (furiously yanks the statue out of his bag and places it on the table)
Phil: I'm... I'm sorry. You know, if there was something that I could...
Will: (gradually getting angrier) Hey, you know what? You ain't got to do nothing, Uncle Phil. You know, It ain't like I'm still five years old, you know? Ain't like I'm gonna be sittin' up every night askin' my mom "When is Daddy comin' home?" You know? Who needs him? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned, didn't I? And I got pretty good at it, too, didn't I, Uncle Phil?
Phil: Yeah, you did.
Will: Got through my first date without him, right? I learned how to drive, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without him, I had FOURTEEN great birthdays without him! He never even sent me a damn card. TO HELL WITH HIM!
(Phil breathes shakily)
Will: I didn't need him then and I don't need him now.
Phil: Will?
Will: No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'ma get through college without him, I'ma get a great job without him, I'ma marry me a beautiful honey and I'm havin' me a whole bunch of kids. I'ma be a better father than he ever was! And I sure as hell don't need him for that, cause ain't a damn thing he could ever teach me about how to love my kids! (begins to tear up) How come he don't want me, man?! (he and Phil embrace, Will quietly crying into Phil's shoulders)
— The signature final scene in "Papa's Got a Brand New Excuse"
