Quotes / Immediate Self-Contradiction

Anime and Manga

Ellen: No, I'm not afraid of it... {the hermit crab}
Hibiki: (shows her the hermit crab)
Ellen: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

— Suite Pretty Cure ♪

Sun: Bone Prison!
-A wall of skulls and bones forms between Sun and the Death Knight-
Sun: Aaaah! I used it! I used the necromancy Pink taught me! The dark aura here is so thick I didn't even need to recite the curse!
Sun: No! As the Sun Knight, I mustn't use this evil magic!
-Sun sees the Death Knight breaking through the wall-
Sun: Bone Prison! Bone Prison! Bone Prison!

—The Legend of Sun Knight

Fanfic

A burglar, I thought as I drove home in my stolen car, no way, that wasn't me.

—CJ's thoughts after openly committing grand theft auto, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas - Grove Street 4 Life

Film — Animated

"You haven't seen the last of Barbados Slim. Now, goodbye forever!"

— Barbados Slim, Futurama: Bender's Big Score

"No pressure, no problem. There's a lot of pressure! Pressure! Take your guess now, with pressure!"

— Marlin, Finding Nemo

Film — Live-Action

Ludicrus Sextus: Well, if you could see your way... to letting him get away.
Jailer: Wait a minute. Do I look like the sort of man who would accept a bribe?
Ludicrus Sextus: Well, yes, you do, actually.
Jailer: You're dead right.

— Up Pompeii

"Spider-Man was a hero. I just couldn't see it. He was a... A THIEF! A CRIMINAL! He stole my suit! He's a menace to the entire city!"

— Jonah Jameson, Spider-Man 2

"The Rat is desperate. The Rat is trapped. The Rat needs to stop calling himself 'the Rat'. No words! The Rat will never find words! Hey, look, words!"

—Templeton, Charlotte's Web

Literature

"On this day we can do anything we want. I revise that: within limits."

— Offred, The Handmaid's Tale

"When in doubt, play dead. Well, unless you might be dealing with a ghoul, or a basilisk, or something else that likes its meat a little ripe. Actually, when in doubt, just start shooting."

— Alice Price-Healy, InCryptid

Live-Action TV

"How bloody dare you! I know exactly who her father is." (Beat) "I'm just not entirely sure, that's all."

— Tracey Stubbs, Birds of a Feather, "Money"

Son: Dad, can I ask you a question?
Blark: Yes! Of course, ask me anything. Literally. Ask me anything.
Son: What happened to mom?
Blark: Oh, fuck.

— Blark and Son

"Now that is a scientific fact — there's no real evidence for it, but it's still scientific fact."

— Brass Eye

"I never just did things just to do them, come on. I mean, what am I gonna do? Just all of a sudden jump up and grind my feet on someone's couch, like it's something to do? Come on, I got a little more sense than that! (three second pause) Yeah, I remember grinding my feet on Eddie's couch."

— 'The actual Rick James, from Chappelle's Show

"Just generally: even if you preface something that isn’t racist with 'this isn’t racist...', it will still sound racist. I’ll show you: if you said, 'A lot of people buy jeans at Old Navy' — totally fine. But if you said, 'A lot of people — and this isn’t racist, yeah, try it, try it anyway, this isn’t racist — but a lot of people buy jeans at Old Navy,' now that suddenly sounds like something that’s going to require about three pages of your Notes app."

— John Oliver, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

Dr. O: You want me to slow down Olive's Pirate-itis? I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker.
Oscar: So you can't do it?
Dr. O: Of course I can, I'm a doctor.

— Odd Squad, "The Curious Case of Pirate-itis"

"Otis, Olympia, congrats on a job well done. I barely even remember being a cake. That's not true. I remember everything."

— Oprah, Odd Squad, "Extreme Cakeover"

Oswald: Hey Opal. How come you always get to sit in front of the van?
Opal: Oh, you can sit here if you want.
Oswald: Thank you, I'd like that, actually.
[an alarm sounds]
Oswald: On second thought, I'm totally fine back here.

— Odd Squad, "Overdue!"

"Okay, we're not gonna panic. All we need to do is find an animal that can fly, swim, and walk on land. [pause] It's hopeless!"

— Opal, Odd Squad, "Music of Sound"

Oswald: You seem stressed.
Omar: Me? Stressed?! Nah, me and Orpita are having fun.
[a pause, and then Omar runs away]
Oswald: [nodding] That's a stress run.

— Odd Squad, "It's Not Easy Being Chill"

Music

I'm a gentleman, what can I say? I'm also really mentally stable.
(Beat)
I'm gonna kill myself
if you don't go out with me.

— Wilbur Soot, "The "Nice Guy" Ballad"

Video Games

"You have no strong enemies ahead. At this point you don't need to evolve. The Sand-Eater in the next area is very strong. I suggest you run away."

— Megausu, E.V.O.: Search for Eden

"I'm an Aquarius. I'm independent, self-assured, and the kind of person who believes that the time of year you were born in has some sort of fundamental influence over your personality. What's your sign, sweet thing?"

— Inscription on Chester's Aquarius medallion, Kingdom of Loathing

Big Man: Ay! (Well, I like mint chip (ice cream)! It's nice to have a little crunch with that smooth flavor.) Ay. Ay! (The mint tempers the sweetness of the chocolate and cream. It's perfect!)
Shiver: So...toothpaste, then? How epicurean.
Big Man: Ay. (You're trying to get a rise out of me, but mint-chip lovers always play it cool.) Ay! AY! (Also, mint chip ISN'T toothpaste! It's cold! Refreshing! The ULTIMATE TREAT!)
Frye: That cool of yours melted pretty quick.

— Splatoon 3

"In the depths, no one can hear you scream. Well, they can, but it's, really muffled."

— Naga Royal Guard Stop Poking Me! quotes, Warcraft III

Web Animation

"Have confidence!"
[immediately dies]
"No confidence!"

— Inugami Korone, hololive

Webcomics

Celia: ...Not if you paid me.
Staph: What if we pay you?
Celia: [Beat] ...Alright.

— Awful Hospital, p.406

Web Video

"But okay! There was no screwing around anymore! I was determined and would not sleep until I got sixteen more Green Stars! So I then took a nap so I could get a fresh mindset in how to go about solving this problem."

— Infinite Bits

I get it!
I don't get it.

— Jon, JonTron, Plug & Play Games

Caddicarus: If you do celebrate Christmas, please make sure you are the best good and loving Christians you can be. Y'know, just like Goofy, when he found out about his son's preferences, and was abundantly supportive and accepting towards him.

Goofy: Maxy! We don't want any queers in this house!

Caddy: Actually, don't be like Goofy! Goofy's a twat!

— The Unholy World of Jesus Games

Western Animation

Cop: Attempted murder is a very serious charge.
Keisha: I didn't attempt to murder no one.
Police Chief: If you just admitted to us that you fancy Spencer, we would understand.
Keisha: I don't fancy him! I attempted to murder him!

— Bromwell High, "Keisha's in Love"

"Woah, aw man, this is making me sick... You gonna finish those?"

— Raco, Chop Socky Chooks ("Now You Coliseum, Now You Don't")

Gus: What’s your greatest strength?
King: My decisiveness. No, wait! I changed my mind!

— The Owl House, "Understanding Willow"

Luz: Wow, the Emperor is really taking over.
Eda: I see it too, Luz. And I'm trying to stay civil. (kicks a nearby Emperor's Coven demon)

— The Owl House, "Separate Tides"

Squidward: How are you two making that noise?
SpongeBob: (Laughs) What noise, Squidward?
Patrick: I could only hear the sound of our laughter.
Squidward: Yes, but those sound effects. The avalanche, the-the-the...
Patrick: Don't forget the second avalanche.
Squidward: (Deadpan) Forget it.

— SpongeBob SquarePants, "Idiot Box"

SpongeBob: (to Goofy Goober) And I am never coming back to a place that would eat a customer! (leaves, Beat, peeks back in) Okay, see you tomorrow!

— SpongeBob SquarePants, "My Friend Patty"

"Awww, sorry! A reporter never reveals her sources! (laughs) ...Oh, and Sam: thanks for the hot tip! Ha ha!"

— Mandy to Clover, Totally Spies! ("Planet of the Hunks")

"I'm a survivor. We're a dying breed."

— Xavier, Xavier: Renegade Angel

Cindy: "Is all your equipment this dangerous?"

Peter Venkman: "No, no, no... well, actually yes."

— The Real Ghostbusters, "Ragnarok and Roll"

Miscellaneous

"Even poor Bruce is forced to admit that this passage defies (refutes, destroys, demolishes and salts the earth of ...) his alleged "literal" hermeneutic. He starts out by warning his congregation that they must never treat such passages as "symbolic" and he mocks those who would see its description as "mere symbolism." But on the very next page he veers away from his promised "literal" approach and sketches out what he believes this passage signifies."

— Fred Clark on Tribulation Force, Slacktivist

"Genji 2 is an action game which is based on Japanese history. Uh, being based on history, the stages of the game will also be based on famous battles which actually took place in Ancient Japan.
Beat
So, here's this giant enemy crab..."

— Bill Ritch, Genji 2 Sony presentation, E3 2006

"Foul villain! I do not flee. I will never turn my back on you and run away!" [he says, running away]

— Something Awful LP of Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance

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