Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians,
Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians,
Woeful wars, ferocious fights,
Dingy castles, daring knights!
Horrors that defy description
Cut-Throat Celts, Awful Egyptians
Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishments from ancient times!
Romans, rotten rank and ruthless
Cavemen, savage fierce and toothless
Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages!
Gory stories we do that
And your host, a talking rat!
The past is no longer a mystery
Welcome to Horrible Histories!
Tall tales, atrocious acts
We gave you all the fearsome facts
The ugly truth, no glam or glitz
We showed you all the juicy bits
Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel
Stuff they don't teach you at school
The past is no longer a mystery
Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories!
Stone Age brought you speech
Farms, the wheel and fire
Then metal was explored, which meant we could make swords to kill and build empires.
Think Ancient Egypt was nicer? Pharaohs, tombs, lovely shrines?
But some were living graves for hundreds of poor slaves and pig’s eye was our cure for the blind...
Greek civilisation our creation, drama and philosophy
But Sparta praised lying, celebrated dying—
And Hippocrates drank wee!
We’re History
We brought you bloodshed
Greek excursions to battle the Persians
Disembowelling our dead.
Together we made the world a little bit grim
We’re History;
Could be fairly... dim.
We Romans brought you roads, and public medicine
Gladiator fighting, feeding men to lions, burning Christians... that kind of thing, you know.
Then came the Middle Ages; Saxons, Normans, Vikings, Celts,
A time of invasion, feudalism, famine, Black Death, buboes and welts.
1066 saw Harold in a fix as William conquered all
What was the bettin’ an arrow in his retina would lead to his downfall?
We’re History
We brought invasion and strife
We attacked monasteries, said “Give us gold, please”, then we took your life!
Our Crusades meant slaughter
Wherever we’d go
We’re History...
Was it pretty? No.
Tudor, Stuart, Georgian monarchs next in line
Brought progress in science and art.
Also beheadings, burnings, civil war
Greed and colonies, for a start.
We’re History
We gave you plague and disease
Travelled, found the Incans, spread smallpox in a blink and
Brought them to their knees!
Dogs, cats and the French blamed
For plague, along the way
We’re History...
Not such happy days.
Victorian technology went hand-in-hand with poverty
Kids up chimneys and down mines
Improvements to the world did pick up, despite some violent hiccups—
Two World Wars, millions died!
We’re History
Our times smelly and gory
We reigned over you and told you what to do
And that is this story.
Thought we were amazing
Though you may quibble—
We’re History... and we made it horrible!
We’re History...
—>—Finale song
Farms, the wheel and fire
Then metal was explored, which meant we could make swords to kill and build empires.
Think Ancient Egypt was nicer? Pharaohs, tombs, lovely shrines?
But some were living graves for hundreds of poor slaves and pig’s eye was our cure for the blind...
Greek civilisation our creation, drama and philosophy
But Sparta praised lying, celebrated dying—
And Hippocrates drank wee!
We’re History
We brought you bloodshed
Greek excursions to battle the Persians
Disembowelling our dead.
Together we made the world a little bit grim
We’re History;
Could be fairly... dim.
We Romans brought you roads, and public medicine
Gladiator fighting, feeding men to lions, burning Christians... that kind of thing, you know.
Then came the Middle Ages; Saxons, Normans, Vikings, Celts,
A time of invasion, feudalism, famine, Black Death, buboes and welts.
1066 saw Harold in a fix as William conquered all
What was the bettin’ an arrow in his retina would lead to his downfall?
We’re History
We brought invasion and strife
We attacked monasteries, said “Give us gold, please”, then we took your life!
Our Crusades meant slaughter
Wherever we’d go
We’re History...
Was it pretty? No.
Tudor, Stuart, Georgian monarchs next in line
Brought progress in science and art.
Also beheadings, burnings, civil war
Greed and colonies, for a start.
We’re History
We gave you plague and disease
Travelled, found the Incans, spread smallpox in a blink and
Brought them to their knees!
Dogs, cats and the French blamed
For plague, along the way
We’re History...
Not such happy days.
Victorian technology went hand-in-hand with poverty
Kids up chimneys and down mines
Improvements to the world did pick up, despite some violent hiccups—
Two World Wars, millions died!
We’re History
Our times smelly and gory
We reigned over you and told you what to do
And that is this story.
Thought we were amazing
Though you may quibble—
We’re History... and we made it horrible!
We’re History...
—>—Finale song
