Pilot
The fuck is insurance?
—Blitzo after the human doctor asks what insurance IMP has
Go sit on a dick, Moxxie.
—Loona when Moxxie blames her for the group's most recent job going wrong
Of all the imps in hell,
It's for her that I fell,
Oh Millie...
It's for her that I fell,
Oh Millie...
— Moxxie's song to Millie
When I'm lonely, I become hungry. And when I become hungry, I want to choke on that red (bleep) of yours, (bleep) your (bleep) and lick all of your (bleep), before taking out your (bleep) and (bleep)ing with more teeth until you're screaming (bleeeeeeeeeeeep) like a fucking baby!
— Stolas's profanity-laden phone call to Blitzo
You know folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove we’re capable of doing the same things anyone else can. Like killing people. So from us at the Immediate Murder Professionals group we promise to settle your unfinished business. Or your money… is gone, and your never getting it back and you can write us a bad review. But we’ll play dumb to it because it’s Hell and no one fuckin’ cares.
—Blitzo in a voiceover telling about his company while IMP dismembers a dead child
Season 1
Episode 1 Murder Family
You've got a good heart, Moxxie. Just a fuzzy head.
— Millie to Moxxie after they complete their job
Apology accepted. [speaks in a low voice] But if you ever pull a stunt like this agaaaaain, I will fuck you and your wife.
— Blitzo threatening Moxxie.
Episode 2 Loo Loo Land
Stolas: We're rich AND we're hot; people want our money AND our bodies!
Octavia: Our money, maybe...
Stolas: Speak for yourself, princess.
Blitzo: Save it, Bitch, I'm working.'
Blitzo: (Answers phone) WHAT?!
Stolas: Why hello, my big-dicked Blitzy...
Blitzo: (Spits out coffee)
Octavia: (Spits out coffee)
Blitzo: WHAT—
Octavia: THE—
Blitzo: FUCK—
Octavia: DAD?!
Stolas: Language, everyone!
Episode 3 Spring Broken
Blitzo: Oh you Suck 4 Life do ya? [Pulls out bullhorn] Listen here, you unoriginal pink cum dump.
Blitzo: [To Verosika] I should have known it was you when I could smell fish from a mile away. Which is odd, because I believe the nearest ocean is— [falls out of his van] THREE RINGS DOWN!
Blitzo: You are NOT parking here for a fuckin' week.
Verosika: Aw, you mad, Blitzo?note You gonna run off, leaving someone else to pay for the hotel room, steal their car, and...
Blitzo and Verosika together: Run three rings to Wrath and max my credit cards on shitty horse riding lessons?
Blitzo: Goddammit, whore, you will NOT let that go!
Verosika: Choke on a sandpaper cock. (rolls her eyes and walks away while flipping him off)
Verosika: Aw, you mad, Blitzo?note You gonna run off, leaving someone else to pay for the hotel room, steal their car, and...
Blitzo and Verosika together: Run three rings to Wrath and max my credit cards on shitty horse riding lessons?
Blitzo: Goddammit, whore, you will NOT let that go!
Verosika: Choke on a sandpaper cock. (rolls her eyes and walks away while flipping him off)
Loona: Hey, is there a way I can come with you guys this time?
Blitzo: Absolutely not, I forbid it, not gonna happen. Sorry, sweetie. Spring break is no place for young, vulnerable goth girls. You know the kind of FREAKS up there who'd drool all over you! (all four turn to the camera and frown at the audience)
Blitzo: Absolutely not, I forbid it, not gonna happen. Sorry, sweetie. Spring break is no place for young, vulnerable goth girls. You know the kind of FREAKS up there who'd drool all over you! (all four turn to the camera and frown at the audience)
—during a staff meeting
Episode 4 C.H.E.R.U.B
Loona: Guys... do you feel that?
Blitzo: Oh, shit! Is that a hellshake?
Moxxie: That’s possible?
Millie: Alright! Don’t panic, Moxxie!
[Moxxie's tail stiffens from being startled by Millie's sudden outburst. She then grabs his arms in an attempt to "calm" him.]
Moxxie: I’m not “panicking,” because hellquakes don’t happen.
[Loona roughly grabs hold of Moxxie and shakes him.]
Loona: STOP GETTING HYSTERICAL, FATTY!!
Loona: Coulda just used the door, dude, doesn't need to be this whole thing.
Loopty Goopty: I am eccentric, and must therefore do eccentric shit!
Loopty Goopty: I am eccentric, and must therefore do eccentric shit!
Tour Guide: And here you’ll find three tacky stalkers about to attempt a murder! Things like this could happen to famous people all the time!
Moxxie: Lyle Lipton. It is our... (looks over at the knocked out Blitzo) humble opinion that you should continue the process to commit die.
Cletus: Lovers' Lookout, sir! We’re here to remind you about possibly life’s greatest joy of all!
Lyle Lipton: [holds up creepy grabby hands] Money!
We are savin' that shitty old man’s life, whether he wants it or not!
—Cletus
It's all starting to make sense now. Life is worth living because we only get one. We must cherish it. If creatures far beyond this living world are going through these lengths over my life, then certainly it’s worth living! Killing myself is not the answer. Plus… I’m still rich! I can just buy all the things! I NO LONGER CRAVE DEATH!
— Lyle Lipton understands the value of life… before dying of a falling piano.
Episode 5 The Harvest Moon
Lin: Millie, you know you get too carried away. The last competition ended in fifteen separate funerals.
Millie: I'm aware, but I only caused nine of them! How come Sallie May still gets to compete?
Lin: Your sister doesn’t have a neighborhood head count.
Millie: She so does!
[Sallie May carries a sack and a small imp drags an Imp body in the background.]
Sallie May: [sing-song voice] It doesn't count if they don't find the bodyyyyyy!
(Millie seethes.)
Millie: I'm aware, but I only caused nine of them! How come Sallie May still gets to compete?
Lin: Your sister doesn’t have a neighborhood head count.
Millie: She so does!
[Sallie May carries a sack and a small imp drags an Imp body in the background.]
Sallie May: [sing-song voice] It doesn't count if they don't find the bodyyyyyy!
(Millie seethes.)
Episode 6 Truth Seekers
Blitzo: Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there, bitch. First of all, we just woke up from a very nasty shock and I'm still feeling fuckin' woozy, so I'm gonna request you fetch us some coffee before we get into this. I mean, everyone gets coffees in shitty movies with scenes like this, am I right? I want something iced, bitch. Mox?
[Blitzo turns his head around to Moxxie.]
Moxxie: I'll have a Neopolitan cappuccino, more cappu than cino, make sure it's got no more than four ounces of milk, the beans won't have the right texture otherwise, and make sure they spell my name correctly on the cup they always put "Foxy" or "Roxy", I hate that. If you can't handle that, I'll have a Venti traditional Misto. Please use soy milk with two blond shots Affogato and Ristretto. I'd also love three vanilla pumps at the very bottom. Then, add the coffee after, then-
Agent One: Enough! We aren't getting youse coffee!
Blitzo: Wow, I was getting massive douche chills just there, Mox. Congrats!
Blitzo: Or, we might like it too much, and then you got a whole new thing to deal with.
Agent One: What do you mean by that?
Blitzo: Oh, you're stupid, huh? I can work with stupid. Daddy likey dummy.
(Agent One stares at Blizo in confusion and disgust)
Moxxie: (breaks down laughing) Good one, sir!
Moxxie: Just ask me something specific I wouldn't normally tell you.
Blitzo: Okay. Uh, does Millie ever peg you?
Moxxie: Sometimes. (brief look of happiness) Wait. Ew! Fuck! Why that!?
Blitzo: Heh, I knew it.
Moxxie: well your suit is tacky! Fuck I’m sorry.
Blitzo: (Blitzo gasps) HOW FUCKING DARE YOU! You have shitty taste in music! I’m sorry.
Moxxie: Shitty taste? You said you liked that musical I recommended to you?
Blitzo: I lied. I left halfway through.
Moxxie: You said you loved it.
(Blitzo and Moxxie both cry hysterically)
Episode 7 OZZIE'S
Fizzarolli: Is that Blitzo? So, you're showin' your face?
Hey everybody, this guy's a total disgrace!
Some nerve you got to comment on a relationship
Last I checked your love life is a pile of shit!
Verosika: Oh, Blitzo? I used to date him,
Chorus: Date him, date him!
Blitzo: [Annoyed] Oh, Verosika, you're here.
Verosika: I'd stroke and I'd fellate him,
Chorus: Fellate him, fellate him!
Verosika: Yeah, but when it was my turn,
Chorus: My turn, my turn!
Verosika: He did no reciprocatin'
Chorus: What a dick bag!
Verosika: A selfish imp in the sheets,
[Verosika backs Blitzo against the wall.]
Verosika: And just as bad in the streets! A reckless, heartbreaking freak!
Asmodeus: Woo! My dark lord, how the mighty do fall
You used to have a smoking wife, a kid, you had it all
I hope you didn't give it up so you and him could get it up~
You sold your life for a thrust! Now, that's the spirit of lust!
Grab your groin or a bust,
Prepare get your hair mussed
Pretend you don't see that crust
Hump 'til your junk turns to dust
Ain’t that a happy display, it sickens me! GET THE FUCK OUT!!
—Asmodeus on Moxxie’s love song to Millie
Stolas: Thank you for inviting me out tonight. Despite everything that’s happened, I… I enjoyed spending time with you.
Blitzo: (Covers his mouth and massages his eyes) Yeah.
Stolas: You know, I have some more wine in the house. Octavia is with her mother this weekend, so we could—
Blitzo: I’m not fucking you tonight, okay?! I’m just…(Hides tears with his hand) I’m really not in the mood, Stolas.
Blitzo: Stolas, don’t act as though what we have is anything but YOU wanting ME to FUCK YOU. You make that really clear, all the time. But I just I-I can’t deal with it tonight, Kay? I’m sorry…
Stolas: …Okay. (Stands and visibly composes himself) Good night, Blitzo.
Blitzo: Night. (Speeds off)
— Stolas, bargaining with an upset Blitzo.
Episode 8 Queen Bee
Blitzo: I had a really shitty day.
Loona: Oh yeah? Is that why you drank five gallons of who knows what?
Blitzo: (crying) Fuck, Fizz was right... I'm gonna die alone, aren't I? Just a wrinkly, old, withered waste... Will you be there Loonie?
Loona: Be where?
Blitzo: (mumbling) I dunno... jus... lonely... die alone...
Loona: (tucks a blanket around him) I'll be there, Dad... Now go the fuck to sleep, okay?
Blitzo: Millie... Moxxie... Stolas...
(beat of silence)
Blitzo: BLAAARRRRGH! Fuck! Yeah, I did need to throw up.
Season 2
Episode 1 The Circus
THAT was the sound of a FUCKING DIVORCE!!
—Stolas taking joy in Stella’s embarrassment after using her “Not Divorce” party to constantly disrespect him.
Stella: The fuck are you doing?
Stolas: [without looking back] Reflecting.
Stella: Well, stop. It's annoying to hear you screeching your silly woes all the time.
Stolas: Why are you still here? You leave with Via on weekends, but then you stay around the house despite everything.
Stella: I like tormenting you. I want to keep reminding you of what you did
Stolas: I know what I did. I would feel bad if I hurt you, but we both know I didn't do that. You and I were arranged for one reason; to birth a precautionary heir to the Goetia family, nothing more. I tried so many years to make it comfortable for us; to have this family, but it was never enough. The only reason I have endured your constant insults and cruelty was for that girl to have a normal life. I cannot do this anymore. I want you out. Now.
Stella: What do you mean, “out”?
Stolas: I mean out! Out of this palace, out of my life! We are getting The Divorce!
Stella: How dare you?!? (steps forwards as Stolas shrinks backwards looking slightly frightened of her) What do you think the rest of the Goetia family will think? [Her hand moves towards Stolas to backhand his face] Andrealphus—
Stolas: I don't care what your arrogant brother thinks!! And the only thing the Goetia family wanted from our marriage is already seventeen, so it's over! I'm DONE!
Episode 2 Seeing Stars
Stolas: Apparently, your mother can't exist somewhere for two minutes without the entirety of her possessions—
[Stella is yelling something incomprehensibly in response through the phone as he speaks.]
Stolas: What? No! I'm not turning her against you— Yes, Stella!
Stella: [through the phone] —never have to see your fucking face again! Everyone— [She continues to yell incomprehensibly.]
Octavia: Dad? This is going to be done before tonight, right?
Stolas: What? Oh. I hardly think so. Knowing your mother, this will take all weekend. [turns to the imps loading the car] Don't be gentle about it, now! Break whatever you have to to get it all in there.
Stella: [through the phone] What?! What did you just tell them to do?!
Octavia: But, tonight was supposed to—
Stolas: Darling, can we not talk about this now? Your mother's being a real B-I-T-C-H.
[hysterical cackling from a third person can be heard alongside Stella]
Stella: [through the phone] The fuck do you mean— [More incomprehensible screaming.]
Stolas: Well, how was I supposed to know you can spell?! I've never seen you read!
Stella: [through the phone] I'm going to take everything! Everything you own!
[Stella is yelling something incomprehensibly in response through the phone as he speaks.]
Stolas: What? No! I'm not turning her against you— Yes, Stella!
Stella: [through the phone] —never have to see your fucking face again! Everyone— [She continues to yell incomprehensibly.]
Octavia: Dad? This is going to be done before tonight, right?
Stolas: What? Oh. I hardly think so. Knowing your mother, this will take all weekend. [turns to the imps loading the car] Don't be gentle about it, now! Break whatever you have to to get it all in there.
Stella: [through the phone] What?! What did you just tell them to do?!
Octavia: But, tonight was supposed to—
Stolas: Darling, can we not talk about this now? Your mother's being a real B-I-T-C-H.
[hysterical cackling from a third person can be heard alongside Stella]
Stella: [through the phone] The fuck do you mean— [More incomprehensible screaming.]
Stolas: Well, how was I supposed to know you can spell?! I've never seen you read!
Stella: [through the phone] I'm going to take everything! Everything you own!
Blitzo: Shit, shit, shit, shit! [grabs Moxxie] What the fuck am I supposed to tell Stolas?!
Moxxie: Well, he seems to like you, sir. Maybe he would understand if —
Blitzo: Okay, my dick is good, but it is not that good, Moxxie.
Moxxie: Sir, I don't think we really have a choice.
Blitzo: So, what? You just want me to call him up and be like, "Hey, Stolas" —
[Gilligan Cut to Blitzo on Loona's desk phone.]
Blitzo: Oh, your daughter came by, took your book, and teleported off to "Who the fuck knows where", and we have no way of getting either of them back, okay?! Okay! Good talk, byeeeee!
[He puts down the phone, stares at it nervously, then turns back to Moxxie.]
Blitzo: Oh, that actually went better than I thought.
[Cue Stolas in full demon form blasting the wall open and sending the door flying into Moxxie.]
Stolas: [demonically] BLITZO!
Moxxie: Well, he seems to like you, sir. Maybe he would understand if —
Blitzo: Okay, my dick is good, but it is not that good, Moxxie.
Moxxie: Sir, I don't think we really have a choice.
Blitzo: So, what? You just want me to call him up and be like, "Hey, Stolas" —
[Gilligan Cut to Blitzo on Loona's desk phone.]
Blitzo: Oh, your daughter came by, took your book, and teleported off to "Who the fuck knows where", and we have no way of getting either of them back, okay?! Okay! Good talk, byeeeee!
[He puts down the phone, stares at it nervously, then turns back to Moxxie.]
Blitzo: Oh, that actually went better than I thought.
[Cue Stolas in full demon form blasting the wall open and sending the door flying into Moxxie.]
Stolas: [demonically] BLITZO!
Blitzo: Who's that?
Hellhound Social Worker: Oh, her? That’s just Loona.
[Loona's cellmate attempts to attack her with a nail bat. She snarls at him, then slams him against the cell bars.]
Hellhound Social Worker: What a nightmare. Serious attitude problems.
[Loona backs into a corner while whimpering, then curls into a Troubled Fetal Position and sobs.]
Hellhound Social Worker: She’ll be out of hair next month when she ages out. Good riddance if you ask me. She’ll never amount to anything much.
Hellhound Social Worker: Oh, her? That’s just Loona.
[Loona's cellmate attempts to attack her with a nail bat. She snarls at him, then slams him against the cell bars.]
Hellhound Social Worker: What a nightmare. Serious attitude problems.
[Loona backs into a corner while whimpering, then curls into a Troubled Fetal Position and sobs.]
Hellhound Social Worker: She’ll be out of hair next month when she ages out. Good riddance if you ask me. She’ll never amount to anything much.
Loona: You know... your dad's really worried about you.
Octavia: Right! That's why you're here instead of him. He couldn't be bothered to keep his promise, and now he can't be bothered to come and get me himself. He'd rather spend his time just screaming at my mum. Why does he hate her more than he loves me?
[Long pause. Loona exhales her cigarette.]
Loona: Sometimes... sometimes it's not as simple as that. This kind of shit gets messy, and everybody's got issues, especially dads. And sometimes they fuck up — well, all the time. That doesn't mean they don't care.
Octavia: If he cares, where is he?
Loona: [pointing towards the city] He's somewhere down there.
Octavia: He's here?
Loona: Looking for you. I mean... try to cut your dad some slack. He may not always get it right, but... [She looks down at her I.M.P. lighter, which finally lights.] he's trying. That's more important than you think.
Octavia: Right! That's why you're here instead of him. He couldn't be bothered to keep his promise, and now he can't be bothered to come and get me himself. He'd rather spend his time just screaming at my mum. Why does he hate her more than he loves me?
[Long pause. Loona exhales her cigarette.]
Loona: Sometimes... sometimes it's not as simple as that. This kind of shit gets messy, and everybody's got issues, especially dads. And sometimes they fuck up — well, all the time. That doesn't mean they don't care.
Octavia: If he cares, where is he?
Loona: [pointing towards the city] He's somewhere down there.
Octavia: He's here?
Loona: Looking for you. I mean... try to cut your dad some slack. He may not always get it right, but... [She looks down at her I.M.P. lighter, which finally lights.] he's trying. That's more important than you think.
Loona: [looking at the fireworks] What the fuck is that?
Blitzo: My acting career.
Episode 3 Exes and Oohs
Blitzo: Oh I was wondering how long it would take you to make a pass.
Chaz: Oh does that mean you're down to clown?
Blitzo: Ew. what the. Do you think I would violate my friend's trust by sleeping with their ex, especially one who fucked them over the way you did?
Chaz: I'll show you all of the things they liked in the sack.
Blitzo: Deal!
[Blitzo pulls Chaz in]
Blitzo: Okay, fucker, nobody who's that bad in bed can score two hotties that easily. I know you gotta be hiding something...
[Blitzo checks Chaz's clothing until he finds his car keys. He smiles, sneaks outside the mansion, and clicks the car keys until he locates Chaz's car. He looks in the dashboard and finds an eviction notice, showing that Chaz is broke and has lied to Crim about his millions. Blitzo then looks in the trunk and finds a to-do list that shows that Chaz is planning to marry Moxxie to inherit some of the Knowlastname's family fortune.]
Blitzo: Oh, fuck that! No one fucks with M&M's marriage but me!
[Blitzo is injected into the neck. He groans and falls unconscious into the trunk as Chaz shuts him in.]
Chaz: Sorry, babe, you're not the only junk in my trunk! Damnit, that was not a good one!
Blitzo: Buckle up, Millie... we're doing a Shrek!
Millie: Next time, just tell me if your dad is a psychopath - I can handle it.
Blitzo: Well, I'm glad everything ended up okay. Good to know we both have daddy issues, Mox. Also, I got to plow your ex-boyfriend; isn't that great? Now we ALL fucked the same guy.
Episode 4 Western Energy
Stella, for fuck's sake, stop making this harder to bullshit!
—Andrealphus
Stolas: I'm sorry it's a bad time yet again, Blitzy. But, umm... I seem to have found myself in a bit of a sitch. I'm tied to the back of a horse at the moment.
Blitzo: Pffttt... lucky bitch.
Stolas: Um, well, no. Rather unlucky. I seem to have been stolen by little cowboy friend of yours.
Blitzo: Ohh, which one?
Moxxie: How many cowboy friends do you know? What does he look like, your highness?
[Stolas glances up at Striker's grinning face as he rides his horse.]
Stolas: Umm...sexy?
Moxxie: That's Striker, sir!
Blitzo: Pffttt... lucky bitch.
Stolas: Um, well, no. Rather unlucky. I seem to have been stolen by little cowboy friend of yours.
Blitzo: Ohh, which one?
Moxxie: How many cowboy friends do you know? What does he look like, your highness?
[Stolas glances up at Striker's grinning face as he rides his horse.]
Stolas: Umm...sexy?
Moxxie: That's Striker, sir!
Stolas: So, train tracks? Really? Seems a bit cliché, doesn't it?
Striker: It's a classic.
Stolas: Is the giant statue of yourself also a classic, or...?
(Striker awkwardly glances up at the statue and tosses his hat onto the erection)
Striker: (scoffs) Are you seriously judging me right now?
Stolas: I'm just impressed you seem to want to suck your own dick this badly!
Striker: It's a classic.
Stolas: Is the giant statue of yourself also a classic, or...?
(Striker awkwardly glances up at the statue and tosses his hat onto the erection)
Striker: (scoffs) Are you seriously judging me right now?
Stolas: I'm just impressed you seem to want to suck your own dick this badly!
Blitzo: Heya toots, I'm here for that S-H-O-T for my Loonie Toonie
Receptionist: The what?
Blitzo: Ugh, the B-U-L-L SHIT that my daughter has to get every year that you M-O-T-H-E-R FUCKERS only allow us to schedule every five years!
Receptionist: The what?
Blitzo: Ugh, the B-U-L-L SHIT that my daughter has to get every year that you M-O-T-H-E-R FUCKERS only allow us to schedule every five years!
Andrealphus: So, earlier. That assassin. (playfully) Was that yooouuu?
Stella: [in a singsong voice and smiling] Guuiiltyyyy! Yes, it was.
Andrealphus: You silly minx, you. Though, you know, if your husband dies it won't turn out well for you.
Stella: He'll be dead; why wouldn't it?
Andrealphus: [somewhat concerned] Because, my dear sister, he's already produced an heir; when he dies, his duties, his possessions, his legions, it'll all pass to... Via.
Andrealphus: So, if you killed him, you would... hm?
Stella: (giddily) Laugh? HA!
Andrealphus:NO, YOU STUPID COW! YOU'D GET NOTHING! (calms down) You're SO lucky you're attractive...
Stella: Well, what do you propose we do? He won't leave me anything willingly; he hates me almost as much as I hate him.
Andrealphus: Hmm. Well, this kind of situation is extremely unique; a Goetia has never behaved like this before. But, with him alive, we have options. Opportunities. An eternity's a long time, my dear; I say we bide our time, and wait for our chance to... GAIN the upper hand.
Stella: Oohhhhhh, but I want him dead so badly!
Andrealphus: And he will be, in time, my fiery vixen. But, patience first; now, call off your mangy stray.
Stella: [in a singsong voice and smiling] Guuiiltyyyy! Yes, it was.
Andrealphus: You silly minx, you. Though, you know, if your husband dies it won't turn out well for you.
Stella: He'll be dead; why wouldn't it?
Andrealphus: [somewhat concerned] Because, my dear sister, he's already produced an heir; when he dies, his duties, his possessions, his legions, it'll all pass to... Via.
Andrealphus: So, if you killed him, you would... hm?
Stella: (giddily) Laugh? HA!
Andrealphus:NO, YOU STUPID COW! YOU'D GET NOTHING! (calms down) You're SO lucky you're attractive...
Stella: Well, what do you propose we do? He won't leave me anything willingly; he hates me almost as much as I hate him.
Andrealphus: Hmm. Well, this kind of situation is extremely unique; a Goetia has never behaved like this before. But, with him alive, we have options. Opportunities. An eternity's a long time, my dear; I say we bide our time, and wait for our chance to... GAIN the upper hand.
Stella: Oohhhhhh, but I want him dead so badly!
Andrealphus: And he will be, in time, my fiery vixen. But, patience first; now, call off your mangy stray.
Episode 5 Unhappy Campers
Newscaster: Internet sensation and local celebrity Milldred Realboy caught incesting tonight! Showcasing a sickening display onlookers deemed: "too disturbing to look away." And we won't.
Episode 6 Oops
Fizzarolli: Sure, but never by a bunch of psychos and a piece of shit!
Blitzo: Okay, am I the psycho or the piece of shit?
Fizzarolli: Both.
Blitzo: Yeah, that checks.
Blitzo: Okay, am I the psycho or the piece of shit?
Fizzarolli: Both.
Blitzo: Yeah, that checks.
Blitzo: What the fuck, Fizz?! How is someone this flexible this useless in combat?!
Fizz: I'm a performer! I sing, I dance, I promote products I don't actually use! I don't do danger!
Blitzo: Well good to know you're still a wimpy circus puss!
Fizz: I'd give you a comeback, but that'd imply I give a shit what you think!
Blitzo: You always cared what I thought!
Fizz: Ohoho...after what you did to me?
Blitzo: I didn't do anything! It was an accident!
Fizz: An ACCIDENT?! Are you KIDDING ME?! You always had it out for me because people liked me better! You wanted me gone because you were jealous! Just wanting the spotlight! I looked up to you! I thought you were my best friend friend! You ruined my life! And then you just left me! I lost so much because of you, and you selfish piece of shit, YOU DIDN'T EVEN CARE!
Blitzo: I DID CARE! It was an accident, it was! Okay, you're right, it was all my fault! I should have done more to help, I was trying! There was so much going on, I was trying to get help, Fizz! I just...I...*sigh* it was still my fault.
Fizz: Glad you can admit it. Want a medal?
Blitzo: Look, I'm sorry, Fizz. I am so sorry you got so hurt. I'm sorry for what you lost, and I-I know I can never make that right. But you have no idea what I lost in that fire. I-I mean, it's all my fault, I...I'd hate me too...I mean, I do hate- *grabbed by Crimson's thug* SHIIIIIIIT!!!
Fizz: I'm a performer! I sing, I dance, I promote products I don't actually use! I don't do danger!
Blitzo: Well good to know you're still a wimpy circus puss!
Fizz: I'd give you a comeback, but that'd imply I give a shit what you think!
Blitzo: You always cared what I thought!
Fizz: Ohoho...after what you did to me?
Blitzo: I didn't do anything! It was an accident!
Fizz: An ACCIDENT?! Are you KIDDING ME?! You always had it out for me because people liked me better! You wanted me gone because you were jealous! Just wanting the spotlight! I looked up to you! I thought you were my best friend friend! You ruined my life! And then you just left me! I lost so much because of you, and you selfish piece of shit, YOU DIDN'T EVEN CARE!
Blitzo: I DID CARE! It was an accident, it was! Okay, you're right, it was all my fault! I should have done more to help, I was trying! There was so much going on, I was trying to get help, Fizz! I just...I...*sigh* it was still my fault.
Fizz: Glad you can admit it. Want a medal?
Blitzo: Look, I'm sorry, Fizz. I am so sorry you got so hurt. I'm sorry for what you lost, and I-I know I can never make that right. But you have no idea what I lost in that fire. I-I mean, it's all my fault, I...I'd hate me too...I mean, I do hate- *grabbed by Crimson's thug* SHIIIIIIIT!!!
Blitzo: You've got a good thing going on with that horny rooster fucker, don't ya?
Fizz: Oh yeah, it's been... fantastic... UH, 'CAUSE, Y'KNOW, i-it's a great gig, a-and he's got the biggest cock, y'know, like, massive! I mean, imagine, like, the biggest, just a giant, huge... like a kaiju, but it's a cock, y'know what I mean? It's a big monster! It's big, it's huge—!
Fizz: Oh yeah, it's been... fantastic... UH, 'CAUSE, Y'KNOW, i-it's a great gig, a-and he's got the biggest cock, y'know, like, massive! I mean, imagine, like, the biggest, just a giant, huge... like a kaiju, but it's a cock, y'know what I mean? It's a big monster! It's big, it's huge—!
Fizz: You blew me up AGAIN, you fucking prick!
Blitzo: I did...but this time, I stuck around.
Blitzo: I did...but this time, I stuck around.
Episode 7 MAMMON’S MAGNIFICENT MUSICAL MID-SEASON SPECIAL (ft Fizzarolli)
Mammon: If you’re a chick give up now ‘cause I ain’t gonna lie to ya, women just ain’t funny.
[Cue “Written by Vivian Madreno” the creator of Helluva Boss, who is, you guessed it, a woman. COMEDY GOLD]
[Cue “Written by Vivian Madreno” the creator of Helluva Boss, who is, you guessed it, a woman. COMEDY GOLD]
Aw man, I didn't give a rat's ass about this competition but Christ-on-a-stick, Fizz, pile drive those sluts.
—- Blitzo after meeting Glitz and Glam
Blitzo: Aw shit, that guy really got to you, didn't he? Look, you don't have to-
Fizz: I do, Blitz! I do!
Blitzo: Fucking hell, Fizz, this is stupid! This shitty pageant isn't worth all this!
Fizz: This job is! Without it, I'll lose-
Glitz and Glam: Everything!~
Blitzo: Seriously, [Mammon] is a fucking dick! And he's using you for everything, because you're likeable, and he's a fucking trashfire!
Fizz: No he's not! He's just...he's just trying to make me good enough!
Blitzo: Good enough for what??
Fizz: I do, Blitz! I do!
Blitzo: Fucking hell, Fizz, this is stupid! This shitty pageant isn't worth all this!
Fizz: This job is! Without it, I'll lose-
Glitz and Glam: Everything!~
Blitzo: Seriously, [Mammon] is a fucking dick! And he's using you for everything, because you're likeable, and he's a fucking trashfire!
Fizz: No he's not! He's just...he's just trying to make me good enough!
Blitzo: Good enough for what??
Fizz: Everything I have is because of Mammon! I have this life, I have security, I have you. I don't want to lose...because I feel like if I lose this, I'll lose you!
Asmodeus: How would you lose me?? Come on, Froggie-
Fizz: You're with me because of who I am at my best! I'm barely even worth of working for a King of Sin because THIS is who I am! Without all this, I'm just nothing! And Mammon made me this! I owe it all to him!
Asmodeus: Fizz, Mammon didn't do shit, you already were this. You'd be this no matter what! You are the most inspiring demon I have ever met, and meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. I adore your inventiveness, your attitude, your resilience, and you're just the cutest thing alive~ Also, you are a way better performer then Mammon ever was, and that's just the facts.
Asmodeus: How would you lose me?? Come on, Froggie-
Fizz: You're with me because of who I am at my best! I'm barely even worth of working for a King of Sin because THIS is who I am! Without all this, I'm just nothing! And Mammon made me this! I owe it all to him!
Asmodeus: Fizz, Mammon didn't do shit, you already were this. You'd be this no matter what! You are the most inspiring demon I have ever met, and meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. I adore your inventiveness, your attitude, your resilience, and you're just the cutest thing alive~ Also, you are a way better performer then Mammon ever was, and that's just the facts.
Mammon: I wonder what fuckin’ this is about.
Asmodeus: (appears behind Mammon after using a portal to teleport to him) It’s about you.
Mammon: (confused) Wait, what?
Asmodeus: (appears behind Mammon after using a portal to teleport to him) It’s about you.
Mammon: (confused) Wait, what?
Fizzarolli: Thank you all so much! You know, it's always been one of the greatest thrills of my life performing. And I'm so glad to bring you all one last show.
(says "Thank you" to Oliver in Signed Language)
Fizzarolli: 'Cause now... I quit!
(crowd is shocked as Mammon spits half-chewed popcorn)
Mammon: WHAT?!
(teleports in front of Fizz as he tries to leave the stage)
Mammon: QUIT?! You miserable piece of shit! What do you mean quit?!
Fizzarolli: I meaaaan, I quit. I'm done. G'day mate!
(Mammon growls and roars as he transforms into his demon form, almost skewering Fizzarolli in the process)
Asmodeus: Oh, that motherfucker.
Mammon: You fucking ungrateful little SHIT! (screams) I gave you everything!! You're practically in my image! I raised you like the son I didn't want!
(Fizzarolli defiantly stands his ground as Asmodeus also transforms behind him)
Asmodeus: You better back the fuck up, Mam!
Wally Wackford: Holy shit! I say, I say.
Mammon: Ha ha hoo, look who's acting like a big, fuckin' hero! Careful what you say, Ozzie. (points at Fizzarolli) Wouldn't want your little secret getting out, would we?
Asmodeus: I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!
Fizzarolli: Ozz...?
Mammon: Because if you let him quit, I could tell everyone heeeerre that you—
Asmodeus: What?! That I love him?! WELL, I DO!
(crowd goes wild as the Open Secret is finally confirmed and becomes a trending topic on social media)
Mammon: Oh. Uh... shit. Ah, you dirty bitch!
(Mammon creeps closer to Asmodeus)
Mammon: You are gonna regret revealing that, Ozz.
(laughs menacingly before disappearing in a massive explosion)
(says "Thank you" to Oliver in Signed Language)
Fizzarolli: 'Cause now... I quit!
(crowd is shocked as Mammon spits half-chewed popcorn)
Mammon: WHAT?!
(teleports in front of Fizz as he tries to leave the stage)
Mammon: QUIT?! You miserable piece of shit! What do you mean quit?!
Fizzarolli: I meaaaan, I quit. I'm done. G'day mate!
(Mammon growls and roars as he transforms into his demon form, almost skewering Fizzarolli in the process)
Asmodeus: Oh, that motherfucker.
Mammon: You fucking ungrateful little SHIT! (screams) I gave you everything!! You're practically in my image! I raised you like the son I didn't want!
(Fizzarolli defiantly stands his ground as Asmodeus also transforms behind him)
Asmodeus: You better back the fuck up, Mam!
Wally Wackford: Holy shit! I say, I say.
Mammon: Ha ha hoo, look who's acting like a big, fuckin' hero! Careful what you say, Ozzie. (points at Fizzarolli) Wouldn't want your little secret getting out, would we?
Asmodeus: I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!
Fizzarolli: Ozz...?
Mammon: Because if you let him quit, I could tell everyone heeeerre that you—
Asmodeus: What?! That I love him?! WELL, I DO!
(crowd goes wild as the Open Secret is finally confirmed and becomes a trending topic on social media)
Mammon: Oh. Uh... shit. Ah, you dirty bitch!
(Mammon creeps closer to Asmodeus)
Mammon: You are gonna regret revealing that, Ozz.
(laughs menacingly before disappearing in a massive explosion)
