Quotes / Dirty Old Man

Anime & Manga

Old Kai: All of my enemies feared me! But not because of my strength! My menacing capacities are what struck terror into their hearts!
Goku: Capacity?
Gohan: Menacing?
Goku: What do you mean?
Old Kai: I'm not telling. Nope! Give me one good reason why I should. [blows raspberry]
Goku: Well, hmmm... Let me see here... I got it! My old master likes girly magazines. We'll get you some!
Gohan: [mortified] Oh, boy! Uh, Dad...!
Shin: Goku, please! How inappropriate!
Old Kai: Hmph! I have no need for such things. With my amazing vision, I can see girls playing volleyball on the beach!
[Shin and Kibito face fault in response to this]
Shin: You call yourself a Kai!
Goku: Hey, old man! How about we get you a date with a real live Earth woman?
Old Kai: Is she a good kisser?
Goku: Yeah! Of course!

— Dragon Ball Z

Fan Works

"There's always time for pretty girls!" Iroh shook his head at Z-Patel, smiling to himself. "Just like there's always time for tea, and Pai Sho, and naps."

—Bring Me All Your Elderly!

Film — Animated

Beavis: Look at this guy - he's old, but he's probably scored a million times!

Old Guy: (proudly) Oh yea!

—Beavis And Butthead Do America

Film — Live-Action

Thank heaven for little girls
For little girls get bigger every day!
Thank heaven for little girls
They grow up in the most delightful way!

—Gigi, "Thank Heaven For Little Girls"

"Chaperone?! You and a bunch of beauty queens? It's like asking Dracula to be in charge of a blood bank!"

— Connie Philpotts, Carry On Girls

"Cos I'm driving you now, you know, in a Daimler Pervertible. Aha-ha-ha. The 'ood doesn't go down, but the chauffeur does."

— Leyland, Carry On Emmannuelle

"Dirty old man! I just got pinched in the elevator!"

— "Daphne", Some Like It Hot

Literature

"He stared at her — it was almost a leer — as if nothing that she could offer him would be as toothsome a morsel as herself. Shadow felt deeply uncomfortable: it was like watiching an old wolf stalking a fawn too young to know that if it did not run, and run now, it would wind up in a distant glade with its bones picked clean by the ravens."

—American Gods

Live-Action TV

Bebe You don't know the things I did for that man - the depraved, Western-themed appetites I satisfied!
Roz He was eighty-five, how bad could it have been?
Bebe Ever worn a saddle?

Fred: Now, she's got T.B.
Lamont: What?!
Fred: Terrific Body.
Lamont: You're a dirty old man, you know that?
Fred: And I'm gonna be one till I'm a dead old man.

—''Sanford and Son, "A Matter of Life and Breath"

Music

Sitting on a park bench
Eyeing little girls with bad intent

Jethro Tull, "Aqualung (Jethro Tull Album)"

Theatre

Brother, you can't go to jail
For what you're thinkin'
Or for the 'ooooh, so' look in your eye
You're only standing on the corner
Watching all the girls
Watching all the girls
Watching all the girls
Go by

—The Most Happy Fella, "Standing on the Corner"

Video Games

Sage Yulyana: Ho ho ho! Little Agnès, is it? Oh, you have grown, child! You were scarce more than a little sprout when your predecessor brought you here. Now look at you! A fine woman you've become. Fine and plump and, ho ho, pleasantly jiggly. Ho ho ho! ...Ahem.
Edea: Ugh, lovely. It's a geriatric Ringabel.

— Bravely Default

"Heheh! This gym is great! It's full of women!"

— Unnamed old man, Pokémon Red and Blue ("Regis" in Gold and Silver)

Visual Novels

Phoenix Wright: You had [your driver's license] at the time of the accident! Director Hotti... or the guy pretending to be him anyway, said so!
Ini Miney: What, are you talking about that perverted fake clinic director?
Phoenix: Yes, that perverted fake clinic director. And how did you know he was perverted—(gets whipped) Eowch!
Franziska von Karma: No one cares.

— Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney – Justice For All, "Reunion, and Turnabout"

Web Original

Gene looked about ready to burst out laughing during his rendition of the national anthem; maybe he was thinking of showing his “rocket’s red glare” to Wendi Richter. Or Leilani Kai. Or Fabulous Moolah, for that matter. Anyone who’s seen Legends’ House knows that Mean Gene isn’t picky.

—WrestleCrap, on "Mean" Gene Okerlund, "From Sea to Shining Crap"

Ric Flair is backstage looking like some freeze-dried beef jerky and telling Christy [Hemme] all about how every woman wants to be with him and Jay Lethal had better watch out. For the flying semen, conceivably. At some point during his rant, Christy has to visibly retrain herself from bursting out laughing, possibly from the absurdity of an old man in Elton John’s world talking about how he’s going to rock your world all night long, but more probably because part of Flair’s grandiose and amazing idea of a threat here is to threaten to beat Lethal so bad that he’ll go back to his mother and beg to breast feed with her.

—Cewsh Reviews on TNA Victory Road 2010

If it was up to Ben Stein, he’d be the host of Win Ben Stein’s Peeny, because he is a proud horny motherfucker who is like a teenager on Viagra and still gets “mad crushes” on beautiful ladies.

—Michael K.

The standard-bearer for all worldwide sleaziness. Racist? Yes. Cheap? Oh yes. Horny Neanderthal? Oh God, yes, yes! A landlord? Check—and by the way, if you don’t have a check for him and you are a Latino, he will evict you three days early. He’s like a Voltron of shitbags fused together. This is a man who once negotiated buying a fur coat for a mistress in front of the mistress’s mom. There is no introspection with Donald Sterling. There is no remorse. There is no shred of decency tucked inside of him that will engender some measure of sympathy. There is only this, taken from his deposition: "If you are having sex with a woman you are paying for, you always call her honey because you can’t remember her name." Pure class, kids.

—Drew Magary, "The 25 Biggest Sleazebags in Sports!"

Terrible to see my dear friend—the great BILL COSBY—have his name dragged through the mud this year. Funny? YOU BET! A rapist? HARDLY! Oh, wait … now, wait a second here. I’m just remembering. 1962. The Ferret Club. Irish and I, sitting in the booth, drinking champers and having a couple of starlets (it was Ann-Margaret and Leann-Margaret!) feed us shrimp eggs. Well, into the club comes the Cos, who proceeds to sit down at our booth and tell a FABULOUS story about an overweight kid named Albert who used to sit on the other children. Would have made a great TV show, if TV was my business (TV is grade school, baby).

Well, we all finish up our shrimp eggs and snort some aspirin and it’s off to Woodland! Next thing I know, I wake up on the floor of my shower. I have sweater yarn in my teeth! And Nicholson is in the tub with four popsicle sticks up his ass! All this time, we figured it was the girls that slipped us the mickeys! I’LL BE DAMNED! I don’t know how I’ll break this to Nicholson. He’s been huge on popsicle sticks up his ass every since! This changes things considerably!

—"Robert Evans", Roberts Evan's MVP Watch!

Web Video

Grandpa: Nice of you to come visit, Téa! I see your breasts have gotten a lot bigger.
Tea: Please don't talk about those...
Grandpa: WHAT, YOUR BOOBS?
Tea: Yes, those.
Grandpa: So you don't want me to talk about your gazongas.
Tea: No, I don't.
Grandpa: Okay, so just to be clear, I'm definitely not going to bring up your double whammies. Your melons are off the table. Hooters are a no-go area. Ixnay on the eavage-clay!
Tea: Are you done?
Grandpa: Yes. So, how was school?
Tea: It was fi—
Grandpa: TITTIES!

Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series

Real Life

"Susan Sarandon ruined the world when she had a kid when she was, like, fucking 96 years old. Now, every actress wants to wait to have a kid at 90. I said to Heather, “How do you know you’ll get the same attention from men when you’re that age?” She was like, “Oh, you just like me for my blonde hair, my blue eyes and my big tits?” There was too long a pause before I answered, “Well…” and she just stormed out."

—James Woods on Heather Graham, who is 23 years his junior

A group of 40/50-something men hoot and lech over a pair of women who’re peeling off their shirts, revealing bikini tops underneath. “Get ‘em out, then,” cry the men — which is a direct quote — like literal Benny Hill characters. They look tremendously pleased with themselves, and very comfortable in their booze-worn skins, as they leer their way down the prom. They’re also among the most grotesque caricatures I’ve ever seen, on the cartoonish level of a red-faced butcher chasing after a dog who’s got a string of sausages in its mouth.

—Stuart Millard, The Beach Diaries

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