Out of the intelligently-designed cruelty of some cock-sucking asshole of a God, or just dumb luck, Australia has the largest concentration of venomous, aggressive, and black-hearted creatures on Earth.
"The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders won't go near the sea."
— Jeremy Lee, View of Australia
(frequently misattributed to Douglas Adams)
(frequently misattributed to Douglas Adams)"Ah, Australian animals. If it isn't venomous, carnivorous, or has foot-long claws, it's a tourist."
— RPG.net
First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all. Dial-A-Wombat.
It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in another phone booth.
There it was: Another angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and released it, too, in the scrub.
But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another telephone booth, and — you guessed it — another imprisoned wombat.
After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in telephone booths.'
It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in another phone booth.
There it was: Another angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and released it, too, in the scrub.
But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another telephone booth, and — you guessed it — another imprisoned wombat.
After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in telephone booths.'
— Newcastle Morning Herald, WSW Australia, August 1980
Rare giant squid washes up on the beach in Australia. If you are missing a rare giant squid in Australia, please call the rare giant missing squid hotline, or just go get a new rare giant squid (with rare giant squid pic goodness).
— Fark.com, July 11, 2007
"See, there's a reason Australia is a water-locked continent: Geography is trying to protect you."
Redback, funnelweb, blue-ringed octopus, taipan, tiger snake, adder, box jellyfish, stonefish, and the poison thing that lives in a shell, that spikes you when you pick it up: Come to Australia, you might accidentally get killed!
Your life's constantly under threat,
Have you been bitten yet?
You've only got three minutes left,
Before a massive coronary breakdown!
Redback, funnelweb, blue-ringed octopus, taipan, tiger snake, adder, box jellyfish, big shark, just waiting for you to go swimming at Bondi Beach: Come to Australia, you might accidentally get killed!
Your blood is bound to be spilled!
With fear your pants will be filled!
Because you might accidentally get killed!
Your life's constantly under threat,
Have you been bitten yet?
You've only got three minutes left,
Before a massive coronary breakdown!
Redback, funnelweb, blue-ringed octopus, taipan, tiger snake, adder, box jellyfish, big shark, just waiting for you to go swimming at Bondi Beach: Come to Australia, you might accidentally get killed!
Your blood is bound to be spilled!
With fear your pants will be filled!
Because you might accidentally get killed!
2399. When looking for a template to make a creature deadlier, "Australian" is not a legitimate choice.
Death held out a hand. I want, he said, A book about the dangerous creatures of Fourecks–
Albert looked up and dived for cover, receiving only mild bruising because he had the foresight to curl into a ball.
After a while Death, his voice a little muffled, said: Albert, I would be so grateful if you could give me a hand here.
Albert scrambled up and puled at some of the huge volumes, finally dislodging enough of them to allow his master to clamber free.
Hmm... Death picked up a book at random and read the cover.
Dangerous Mammals, Reptiles, Amphibians, Birds, Fish, Jellyfish, Insects, Spiders, Crustaceans, Grasses, Trees, Mosses, and Lichens of Terror Incognita, he read. His gaze moved down the spine. Volume 29C, he added. Oh. Part three, I see.
He glanced up at the listening shelves. Possibly it would be simpler if I asked for a list of the harmless creatures of the aforesaid continent?
They waited.
It would appear that–
"No, wait, master. Here it comes."
Albert pointed to something white zigzagging lazily through the air. Finally Death reached up and caught the single sheet of paper.
He read it carefully and then turned it over briefly just in case anything was written on the other side.
"May I?" said Albert. Death handed him the paper.
"‘Some of the sheep,’" Albert read aloud. "Oh, well. Maybe a week at the seaside’d be better then."
Albert looked up and dived for cover, receiving only mild bruising because he had the foresight to curl into a ball.
After a while Death, his voice a little muffled, said: Albert, I would be so grateful if you could give me a hand here.
Albert scrambled up and puled at some of the huge volumes, finally dislodging enough of them to allow his master to clamber free.
Hmm... Death picked up a book at random and read the cover.
Dangerous Mammals, Reptiles, Amphibians, Birds, Fish, Jellyfish, Insects, Spiders, Crustaceans, Grasses, Trees, Mosses, and Lichens of Terror Incognita, he read. His gaze moved down the spine. Volume 29C, he added. Oh. Part three, I see.
He glanced up at the listening shelves. Possibly it would be simpler if I asked for a list of the harmless creatures of the aforesaid continent?
They waited.
It would appear that–
"No, wait, master. Here it comes."
Albert pointed to something white zigzagging lazily through the air. Finally Death reached up and caught the single sheet of paper.
He read it carefully and then turned it over briefly just in case anything was written on the other side.
"May I?" said Albert. Death handed him the paper.
"‘Some of the sheep,’" Albert read aloud. "Oh, well. Maybe a week at the seaside’d be better then."
Australia, noun:
…3. A good place to become endangered.
…3. A good place to become endangered.
—Epigraph, InCryptid: Pocket Apocalypse
