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Comedy
John Mulaney: (As his doctor, about frequent urination) Then you may have something wrong with your prostate. So, what we need to do—
Audience: (Starts groaning in disgust)
John Mulaney: Some of you are ahead of me.
Audience: (Starts groaning in disgust)
John Mulaney: Some of you are ahead of me.
— John Mulaney: New In Town
Passenger 2: Now, should I give you the money or should I shove the quarters directly up your fat ass? Hee-hee!
Willie: Why you fucking hard-on! I'll fucking Carlton Fisk
your fucking head with a Louisville, fucking slugger! What do you think of that, assfuck!?
[Minutes later]
Passenger 6: Yeah, do you want the money or should I just shove the quarters directly up your fat ass?
Willie: We-he-hell, I already heard that one, you fucking unoriginal bastard! Go suck a cock, you piece of fucking, repeating shit!
Willie: Why you fucking hard-on! I'll fucking Carlton Fisk
your fucking head with a Louisville, fucking slugger! What do you think of that, assfuck!? [Minutes later]
Passenger 6: Yeah, do you want the money or should I just shove the quarters directly up your fat ass?
Willie: We-he-hell, I already heard that one, you fucking unoriginal bastard! Go suck a cock, you piece of fucking, repeating shit!
Comic Books
Victim 1: Oh dear God!
Victim 2: My eyes!! I can't see my eyes!
Victim 3: Aaagh!
Victim 4: Noooo!
Victim 5: Eeek!
Victim 6: Somebodeee! Pull this churrito out of my ass!
Victim 2: My eyes!! I can't see my eyes!
Victim 3: Aaagh!
Victim 4: Noooo!
Victim 5: Eeek!
Victim 6: Somebodeee! Pull this churrito out of my ass!
Lieutenant Peters: You wanna play cop, join the department and get yourself a badge! Until then, stay out of my way!
Supergirl: You need a hint as to what you can do with your badge, Peters?
Supergirl: You need a hint as to what you can do with your badge, Peters?
— Supergirl (1982), issue #12
Fan Works
Kizo: You came from a copy of Krypton. We came from the original.
Jax-Ur: You can take both Kryptons, and you know where you can put them.
Jax-Ur: You can take both Kryptons, and you know where you can put them.
Luna Loud: She brought a basketball with her to church? Where'd she even keep it? In her rectum?
Luan Loud: I guess then it'd be a buttsketball!
Luan Loud: I guess then it'd be a buttsketball!
— ''Peeking Through the Fourth Wall", "After Dark 3"
Scott: Since we are making ourselves perfectly clear, Bruno, let me tell you how it is. You're going to be polite and respectful to everyone going on this trip. You're also going to leave Bobby and me alone.
Bruno: Or?
Scott: Or I'm going to wipe the ground with you, punk. I'm tired of your insult throwing, bad attitude, delinquent wannabe, whiney-ass, momma's boy, country-music-reject, self, already. If you don't behave, I'm going to take the nearest blunt object, something close to the size of Warren, Hank, and their tents and stuff it up your largest body crevice. I don't like bullies and I won't tolerate them. Bullies tend to bring out the worst in me. Did I make myself perfectly clear to you, Bruno?
Bruno: Or?
Scott: Or I'm going to wipe the ground with you, punk. I'm tired of your insult throwing, bad attitude, delinquent wannabe, whiney-ass, momma's boy, country-music-reject, self, already. If you don't behave, I'm going to take the nearest blunt object, something close to the size of Warren, Hank, and their tents and stuff it up your largest body crevice. I don't like bullies and I won't tolerate them. Bullies tend to bring out the worst in me. Did I make myself perfectly clear to you, Bruno?
Film — Live-Action
Fink: Jeez, Barry, I don't know what I'd do if someone shoved a ping pong paddle handle up my ass!
Barry: Wasn't the handle. I've been shitting pancakes ever since.
Barry: Wasn't the handle. I've been shitting pancakes ever since.
— Beerfest
"Shit, Bubba Ho-tep comes out of that creek bed, he's going to come out hungry and pissed. When I try to stop him, he's going to shove this paint can up my ass and he's going to shove me and that wheelchair up Jack's ass."
Talos: Young lady, I have a special skill that kind of allows me to get into places I'm not supposed to be.
Maria Rambeau: Call me "young lady" again, I'm gonna put my foot in a place it's not supposed to be.
(Beat)
Talos: Am I supposed to guess where that is?
Nick Fury/Carol Danvers: Your ass.
Maria Rambeau: Call me "young lady" again, I'm gonna put my foot in a place it's not supposed to be.
(Beat)
Talos: Am I supposed to guess where that is?
Nick Fury/Carol Danvers: Your ass.
Archer: Let's take our proper places, Miss Mallet.
Miss Mallet: Oh! (Beat) Please, let us keep our umbrellas in their proper places, too.
Miss Mallet: Oh! (Beat) Please, let us keep our umbrellas in their proper places, too.
Wendover: Well, I was bending down in the trenches like a private leading my men over the top, when suddenly - bang - awf goes there's a grenade, an' a lump of shrapnel hits me right up the—
Sir Lancelot: Rectum?
Wendover: Well, it didn't do 'em any good.
Sir Lancelot: Rectum?
Wendover: Well, it didn't do 'em any good.
"You don't move and your head is going up his ass."
— Hancock, who makes good on his threat, Hancock
"They had to take him to the hospital. The kid had Dr. Zaius stuck halfway up his butt and they couldn't get it out!"
— Stucky, House of 1000 Corpses
"I'm going to mistrial my foot up your ass if you don't shut up!"
— Frito, Idiocracy
Peter: I should warn you, Leezak, I studied karate with a Chinese master.
Tom: Well I hope he showed you how to pull a fire poker OUTTA YOUR ASS!
Tom: Well I hope he showed you how to pull a fire poker OUTTA YOUR ASS!
"How'd you like me to put my boot up your ass... sideways?"
— Sheriff, The Last House on the Left
Todd Chester: Hey Griswold, where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark Griswold: Bend over and I'll show you.
Clark Griswold: Bend over and I'll show you.
"Ay, ay, ay! You shut your face! If we wanna hear you talk, I will shove my arm up your ass and work your mouth like a puppet! You hear me?! You hear me?!"
— Highsmith, The Other Guys
Kellogg: Nurse Graves?
Graves: Yes, Doctor?
Kellogg: Take Mister Lightbody immediately to the yogurt room and give him fifteen gallons.
Lightbody: Oh no, no! I can't eat fifteen gallons of yogurt.
Kellogg: Oh, it's not going in that end, Mr. Lightbody!
Graves: Yes, Doctor?
Kellogg: Take Mister Lightbody immediately to the yogurt room and give him fifteen gallons.
Lightbody: Oh no, no! I can't eat fifteen gallons of yogurt.
Kellogg: Oh, it's not going in that end, Mr. Lightbody!
"I feel like someone's stuck a big club up my ass. And it hurts. I gotta figure out a way to get it outta there."
— Captain Rohmer, Samurai Cop
"You get your ass out of my office or you'll have to go to surgery to get my foot out of it!"
— Captain Rohmer, Samurai Cop
Groping: There your rifle, an' there's your bayonet. You know where to put it, don't ya?
Lurk: Yes, I know where I'd like to put it...
Lurk: Yes, I know where I'd like to put it...
Literature
George: You want us to clean out your nose with this?
Fred: Or anywhere really, we're not fussy about where we stick it.
Fred: Or anywhere really, we're not fussy about where we stick it.
"A fantastic benefit of being able to change one's shape is the ability to repurpose one's orifices for weapon storage. My flesh is both mutable and elastic, and thus my colon contains all kinds of shit. Actual shit, of course, but also other things that I can pull out of there when needed."
— The Naughtiest Cherub, by Kevin Hearne
"Have you got ten dollars?"
"I do," he said quietly.
A long time after, I discovered that he had better than five hundred. He had brought it in with him. When they check you in at this hotel, one of the bellhops is obliged to bend you over and take a look up your works - but there are a lot of works and, not to put too fine a point on it, a man who is really determined can get a fairly large item quite a ways up them - far enough to be out of sight, unless the bellhop you happen to draw is in the mood to pull on a rubber glove and go prospecting.
"I do," he said quietly.
A long time after, I discovered that he had better than five hundred. He had brought it in with him. When they check you in at this hotel, one of the bellhops is obliged to bend you over and take a look up your works - but there are a lot of works and, not to put too fine a point on it, a man who is really determined can get a fairly large item quite a ways up them - far enough to be out of sight, unless the bellhop you happen to draw is in the mood to pull on a rubber glove and go prospecting.
Live-Action TV
Penny: And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
Sheldon: Depending on the depth, that would be either a proctologist or a general surgeon.
Sheldon: Depending on the depth, that would be either a proctologist or a general surgeon.
Joy: That drug shoulda gone straight to 'is brain!
Darryl: Well if you wanted it go straight to 'is brain, y'shoulda stuffed the cake up 'is bum!
Darryl: Well if you wanted it go straight to 'is brain, y'shoulda stuffed the cake up 'is bum!
"HE'S TRYING TO GET IN MY ASS!"
— Frenchie, The Boys (2019)
Captain Jack: Now, hold on, ladies! I don't want to have to shoot either one of you.
Trine-e: But you're unarmed!
Zu-zana: You're naked!
(Captain Jack produces a small hand weapon from literally out of nowhere)
Zu-zana: But... that's a Compact Laser Deluxe!
Trine-e: Where were you hiding that?!
Captain Jack: You really don't wanna know!
Trine-e: But you're unarmed!
Zu-zana: You're naked!
(Captain Jack produces a small hand weapon from literally out of nowhere)
Zu-zana: But... that's a Compact Laser Deluxe!
Trine-e: Where were you hiding that?!
Captain Jack: You really don't wanna know!
— Doctor Who, "Bad Wolf"
Medical student: What's the weirdest thing you've taken out of someone's rectum?
Dr. Carter: Um... bowling trophy.
Dr. Carter: Um... bowling trophy.
— ER
Music
Long I have waited to have my revenge
To bring that witch doctor to his bitter end
So I have gathered a ship and a crew
We're sailing to find him, we know what to do
On a dark, moonless night, when he least suspects
We'll creep up behind him, so hard to detect
We'll bring out our anchor by the light of the stars
AND SHOVE IT INSIDE OF HIS BIG FUCKIN' ARSE!
To bring that witch doctor to his bitter end
So I have gathered a ship and a crew
We're sailing to find him, we know what to do
On a dark, moonless night, when he least suspects
We'll creep up behind him, so hard to detect
We'll bring out our anchor by the light of the stars
AND SHOVE IT INSIDE OF HIS BIG FUCKIN' ARSE!
— Alestorm, "Fucked with an Anchor"
Theatre
Sittin' there useless as two shits
Hey, turn around, bend over, I'll show you
Where my shoe fits
Hey, turn around, bend over, I'll show you
Where my shoe fits
— Alexander Hamilton, Hamilton
Video Games
When I've knocked you out with all my bab
I'm going to take your head and ram it up my butt!
(Your butt?) My butt! (Your butt!?) That's right, my butt! (Ugh!) My butt! (Ugh!) My BUUUUUUUUUUTT!
I'm going to take your head and ram it up my butt!
(Your butt?) My butt! (Your butt!?) That's right, my butt! (Ugh!) My butt! (Ugh!) My BUUUUUUUUUUTT!
— The Great Mighty Poo (with participation from Conker), Conker's Bad Fur Day
"I'LL SHOVE THIS FUCKING MISSILE UP ITS ASS AND BLOW ITS FUCKING BALLS OFF!"
— Emet, Evolve
Emet-Selch: Exploring virgin territories, subjugating primitive peoples. All for the glory of Garlemald!
Thancred: If you've brought your ivory standard, I'll be happy to tell you where to stick it.
Thancred: If you've brought your ivory standard, I'll be happy to tell you where to stick it.
— Final Fantasy XIV: Shadowbringers
Erron Black: Girls with guns, always hot.
Sonya Blade: I'll shove 'em up your ass and fire.
Erron Black: ...almost always hot.
Sonya Blade: I'll shove 'em up your ass and fire.
Erron Black: ...almost always hot.
Bain: Uh, what sort of noise are we listening for?
Vlad: The kind of noise you'd expect from a goat with five pounds of coke buried in its shitpipe!
Vlad: The kind of noise you'd expect from a goat with five pounds of coke buried in its shitpipe!
"Get out of my way or I'll break your sword in half and feed it to you at both ends."
"You come wide at me again, boy, I'll stick that wrench right up yer arse!"
— The Demoman after dominating an Engineer, Team Fortress 2
"You better start talking, because in five seconds I'm going to put MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS! Then we'll BOTH have to go to a SPECIAL HOSPITAL! Feet up the ass are like arrows, son, you can't just PULL 'em out! They'll have to push my whole body out through your mouth!"
— Saxton Hale, Team Fortress 2
"My foot will transform into a foot, with your ass wrapped around it."
— The Soldier when he has the Shoestring Budget equipped, Team Fortress 2
"My axe, Gitsnik, is somewhere in dat pass. A bag of teef to the Orc dat finds it and 'ands it over. Any 'oo fink you're gonna keep it instead, well... you'll find my boot so far up yer arse, you'll be tasting squig-leather until yoo die - which will be straight after!"
— Grimgor Ironhide, Total War: Warhammer
Web Animation
"Somebody's poisoned the water hole!"
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER IF YOU WANNA SCREAM
AS I FILL YOUR ASS WITH THIS METAL BEAM
AS I FILL YOUR ASS WITH THIS METAL BEAM
Froggy: I mean... what were we doing yesterday?
Big the Cat: Fun!
Froggy: No, that was not "fun". You were shoving me up your arse!
Big: Yeah!
Froggy: That wasn't enjoyable for either of us!
Big: Yes, it was.
Big the Cat: Fun!
Froggy: No, that was not "fun". You were shoving me up your arse!
Big: Yeah!
Froggy: That wasn't enjoyable for either of us!
Big: Yes, it was.
— Sonic Shorts Volume 3
Web Original
"Would you put it in your mouth? No! Would you put it up your nose? No! Then don't stick it up your arse! A mucous membrane is a mucous membrane!"
Web Video
"I'm gonna shove these fucking games up your ass!"
Guitar Guy: (having just been revived by the Nerd with the A-B-B-A code) I guess somebody needs a favor.
Nerd: Yeah, I need your help...to beat a game.
GG: Let me guess...a shitty game?
Nerd: Yeah, a shitty game: Ikari Warriors.
GG: Yeah, I know that game.
Nerd: Oh, yeah?
GG: Yeah, I know what you could do with that game, too.
Nerd: Uh huh?
GG: Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, grease up the game and just take it and shove it up your ass!
Nerd: Yeah, I need your help...to beat a game.
GG: Let me guess...a shitty game?
Nerd: Yeah, a shitty game: Ikari Warriors.
GG: Yeah, I know that game.
Nerd: Oh, yeah?
GG: Yeah, I know what you could do with that game, too.
Nerd: Uh huh?
GG: Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, grease up the game and just take it and shove it up your ass!
"Hancock defeats people by putting them up other people's asses! That better happen in the new Dark Knight movie! The Joker will be like "I am going to kill everyone!" and Batman will be like "You are going inside an ass!" Bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-splut! THE END!
"Well, have you ever woken up one day and thought "Oh! I want to steal the neighbour's cat, shove its arsehole on the end of a gun, and shoot cowboys in the head THROUGH the cat's arsehole before heading off to do the laundry."?"
— Caddicarus describing Postal 2
"Will It Fit?" is a trick question. It always fits!
— Will It Fit? Host, The Cinema Snob review of Who Reamed Rosie Rabbit? Part Two
GTA Map: there's guns, toothpaste and a medkit. i think you know what to do Gray...
Gray: I mean, I think I know what to do, too, but I'm not gonna sit here and say that toothpaste is the best lubricant that you could have come up with. At least it's a big tube.
(test screen)
Gray: I mean, I think I know what to do, too, but I'm not gonna sit here and say that toothpaste is the best lubricant that you could have come up with. At least it's a big tube.
(test screen)
"[driving through an Item Box while in second place] Give me something aggressive that I can kill him with. [recieves a Coin] That's a coin. What am I gonna do, shove it down his throat, put it in his butt? That's not gonna hurt him unless I do those things, and you can't do those in Mario Kart. Although, new update, [chuckles] Wave 8: you can shove coins up an opponent's... butt! [laughs] Like, 'wow, you added Birdo last time, this time you added that? Eehh, I guess that tracks.'"
— JayMoji, "DONT PLAY THE NEW MARIO KART TRACKS AT 12AM!!"
""Putitinmyass"
— Jobby the Hong, one of many times
Phelous: So, Critic, what do you want me to do with this movie?
The Nostalgia Critic: Stick it up your ass.
Phelous: Alright.
Critic: And for everyone else watching, be sure to visit theawesomestore.com, so that you can not only get that DVD, but other DVDs, to stick up your ass!
Phelous: Really? You're just gonna start doing commercials in the middle of reviews now?
Critic: Well, it was either that or another midroll.
The Nostalgia Critic: Stick it up your ass.
Phelous: Alright.
Critic: And for everyone else watching, be sure to visit theawesomestore.com, so that you can not only get that DVD, but other DVDs, to stick up your ass!
Phelous: Really? You're just gonna start doing commercials in the middle of reviews now?
Critic: Well, it was either that or another midroll.
— Phelous and NC's joint review of Child's Play 2
K. Rool: It's finally mine! The power...of the Crystal Titty! I will now insert it into my rrrectum, to absorb its natural energy...
Cranky Kong: ...That isn't how you use its power!
K. Rool: Oh! [stammering] Of course not! I was...only testing you!
[later]
K. Rool: Now how do I use it?
Klumph: Did you try sticking it in yo' butt?
K. Rool: N-no!! I didn't put it in my butt! [sniffs]
Klumph: Well, that's what I would have done.
Cranky Kong: ...That isn't how you use its power!
K. Rool: Oh! [stammering] Of course not! I was...only testing you!
[later]
K. Rool: Now how do I use it?
Klumph: Did you try sticking it in yo' butt?
K. Rool: N-no!! I didn't put it in my butt! [sniffs]
Klumph: Well, that's what I would have done.
I'm gonna put you inside of my ass!
— Pokay, SMPLive
"It is common knowledge about dragons that everybody who likes dragons know that all of them have a key weak point where their armor does not reach: the anus."
— Mother's Basement, on the pile bunker scene from Season 1 of Arifureta: From Commonplace to World's Strongest
Western Animation
"I have a question, mother. Why does this chair have no seat?! And what... IS IN HIS ASS?!"
— Sterling Archer, Archer, "Lo Scandolo"
"Just to make sure you don't call me, I'm gonna stick your phone where you'll have an awfully hard time dialing it!"
— Harry Sachz, Beavis And Butthead
Professor: This is a chance for Fry to test out my experimental anti-pressure pill.
(he produces a large pill that's about the size of his hand)
Fry: I can't swallow that!
Professor: Well, then, good news. It's a suppository.
(he produces a large pill that's about the size of his hand)
Fry: I can't swallow that!
Professor: Well, then, good news. It's a suppository.
— Futurama, "The Deep South"
"We'll need to have a look inside you with this camera. [Fry opens his mouth] Guess again."
— Dr. Zoidberg, Futurama, "Parasites Lost"
Sparks: (when asked about his punishment in hell) Ass full of red hot coals.
Murphy: Ass full of red hot coals. Your, eh, entire ass? Just packed full of red hot coals?
Sparks: Right to the rim, baby.
Murphy: (sighs) You lucky bastard.
Murphy: Ass full of red hot coals. Your, eh, entire ass? Just packed full of red hot coals?
Sparks: Right to the rim, baby.
Murphy: (sighs) You lucky bastard.
— Sealab 2021, "The Policy"
Stan: You alright?
Cartman: You know that feeling when that huge dump you just took shoots back up inside your ass? NO I'M NOT ALRIGHT!!
Cartman: You know that feeling when that huge dump you just took shoots back up inside your ass? NO I'M NOT ALRIGHT!!
— South Park after the large alien satellite is retracted back into Cartmans' ass.
Henchman 24: You're not a Venture brother. Who the hell are you?
Dermott: I'm Hank's friend.
Henchman 24: Yeah, I doubt that.
Dermott: Would you believe I'm Brock Samson's long-lost son?
Henchman 24: If that were true, I don't think I would have caught you so easily.
Dermott: I couldn't run because I got a lighter up my ass.
Henchman 24: Okay, now I believe you're Hank's friend.
Dermott: I'm Hank's friend.
Henchman 24: Yeah, I doubt that.
Dermott: Would you believe I'm Brock Samson's long-lost son?
Henchman 24: If that were true, I don't think I would have caught you so easily.
Dermott: I couldn't run because I got a lighter up my ass.
Henchman 24: Okay, now I believe you're Hank's friend.
Scanlan: We need to get inside that dragon.
Vax: Wh- Inside?! Through a mouth full of acid?! No way!
Scanlan: There is a way. The other way.
Vax: (look of pure disgust)
Vax: Wh- Inside?! Through a mouth full of acid?! No way!
Scanlan: There is a way. The other way.
Vax: (look of pure disgust)
Wrestling
"Take [this/that] [noun]... SHIIIIIIIIINE it up reeeeeeal nice... turn that sumbitch sideways, and STICK IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!"
— The Rock
Shelton Benjamin: I can do things in this ring that nobody else can do.
Chris Jericho: Well, can you take that title and shove it up your ass?
Chris Jericho: Well, can you take that title and shove it up your ass?
— WWE Raw, April 11th, 2005
Miscellaneous
"When the ace airman first arrived at No. 47 Squadron, one rogue had the temerity to suggest that the dusky, fine-featured fellow was a woman in disguise! But everyone agreed afterwards that no woman would beat a man senseless with a large cucumber, then shove his head up the rear end of a startled French cow."
— Giggles Bags the Borg
"The human rectum is almost nightmarishly elastic. I had four Rubik's Cubes jammed up there one day on a bet with Brian Dennehy when a heroin-crazed Rodney Allen Rippy burst into my trailer and punched me right in the solar plexus. I shat out all four cubes and damned if they didn't emerge solved."
— Patton Oswalt, doing an impression of Robert Evans
"Maybe if the game is like, you know, WarioWare—Shoveupyoownassgame, yeah, I don't know if there are any minigames where you have to, you know, shove it up your ass"
— Chad Wardenn
"To make a long fucking story short, I put a whole bag of jelly beans up my ass. And it's 24 hours later, and I ain't find nothing yet."
