Funny / What We Do in the Shadows (2019)

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"We drank the blood of some people, but the people were on drugs, and now I am a wizard!"

Season 1

"Pilot"

• Nandor pronouncing crepe paper 'creepy paper'.
  Nandor: Oooooh, multi-pack!
• When Nandor talks about how his idea of dressing up fancy is to have glitter all over his face and body, "like in Twilight", Guillermo, a big fanboy of Interview with the Vampire, cannot help but put on a disgusted sneer, Nandor's familiar or not.

"City Council"

• Laszlo and Nadja complaining about how the Baron only gives orders during sex, and only at the moment of climax, and then doesn't repeat himself. They also act it out.
• Colin Robinson organizing a "mega-feed" at the zoning meeting by going up to the microphone and reading about zoning ordinances (specifically with him reading about the definition of ordinances from Webster's Unabridged Dictionary).
• The various propositions Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja all make at the zoning meeting for what they want to be added to Staten Island: Laszlo wants a massive dome to be built over the entirety of Staten Island that blocks out all sunlight, Nadja wants there to be no noise during daylight hours, and Nandor wants all local churches to be destroyed (with their crucifixes burned) along with a total ban on turtlenecks and the creation of a vampire-only television channel (which will feature Nandor's favorite comedy, Priests Falling Over). Finally, they all want free and compulsory harpsichord concerts every day of the week.
• Laszlo attempts to make an alliance with Barbara Lazarro by impressing her with raccoon population control. Cue the next morning where there is a huge pile of dead raccoons on Barbara's patio, and a terrified Lazarro suspecting the Staten Island Trio of being members of a Mexican drug cartel.
• Nandor mind-controlling a member of the local city council to act as his puppet:
  Barbara Lazarro: This was a clear and direct threat to my well-being...
  Nandor: (Confession Cam) They laughed at me. They will not be laughing now that I am about to unleash my hell-hound, Doug Peters! ...son.
  Barbara Lazarro: ...And to the safety of every member of this council.
  Doug Peterson: It is a grim portent of things to come if we don't surrender, you ignorant bitch.
  (the audience gasps)
  Barbara Lazarro: ...What?
  Nandor: Yes, Doug Peterson...
  Doug Peterson: I will rip your head from your body. And I will hang your entrails from the traffic light on Hylan Boulevard so our new masters will see that only those who submit will survive!
  Barbara Lazarro: Mr. Peterson, you are way out of order!
  • Also Colin being downright ecstatic about the whole thing:
  Nandor: Are you leaving with us?
  Colin: (shit-eating grin) No. I-I can't stand up right now. If you know what I mean. (laughs)
  Laszlo: (groans) Oh, god!

"Werewolf Feud"

• The episode starts with Laszlo cheerfully showing off his various topiary creations to the documentary film crew. To be more specific, he leads them into a closed-off section of his garden where he has trimmed the bushes into the shapes of the vulvas of the women he intensely admires and the prostitutes he's intimately familiar with. Made even funnier by how his list of vulvas apparently includes Mary Ann Nichols, Nadja, Nancy Reagan, and his own mother. Nadja also later complains that because one of the werewolves urinated on Laszlo's mother's vulva, it now looks like Laszlo's sister's vulva.
• Colin Robinson showing the documentary crew his "morning cup of coffee" — a.k.a. him cheerily banging on Nandor's coffin before he goes to work and Nandor angrily moans for Guillermo to get rid of him.
• When Colin Robinson acts as the "ad-hoc welcoming committee" for Evie Russel, he extends his hand as if he's going to shake hers, but then slants his hand as if he's trying to get her to kiss it. He's also initially so eager to feed on Evie prior to the office's natural suckiness draining her that he tries to fit between a set of cubicle walls before giving up and walking around to her.
• Colin Robinson and Evie Russel's energy vampire duel. Made even funnier by how Colin's attempt at annoying Evie basically consists of him "mansplaining" at her.
  Colin Robinson: Evie Russell.
  Evie Russel: Colin Robinson.
  Colin: (walks closer to Evie) Working late?
  Evie: (walks closer to Colin) I have to. I'm behind.
  Colin: I like your skirt. You should be careful, because mauve attracts bees!
  Evie: I was wearing this skirt when my sister got her cancer diagnosis!
  Colin: (starts hovering) Cancer isn't usually what kills you! It's the treatment!
  Evie: (starts hovering too) She was killed by a drunk driver! He was my fiancé!
  Colin: Violence often begins at home! Studies indicate—
  Evie: I've never HAD A HOME!
  Colin: (groans) Remind me to email you a link on a Slate article on the Millennial Housing CRISIS!
  Evie: (groans) I don't use email... ever since my computer was hacked and my identity was stolen!
  Colin: Hackers, featuring Jonny Lee Miller and Fisher Stevens, is one of the few movies from 1995 THAT STILL! HOLDS! UP! (thunder clap)
  Evie: (moans) I was held up at gunpoint while waiting to see that movie! But they didn't take any money! THEY JUST DID IT FOR FUN!
  (both loudly scream at each other)
• Nadja showing off her collection of taxidermized animals to the documentary crew.
  Nadja: (next to a stuffed owl) This one is a very special creature to me. When I first met Laszlo, I was walking on the moors with him, and this owl flew over and scratched my head, and I said, "Kill that fucking bitch please, Laszlo."
  (gesturing to a stuffed armadillo) If Laszlo and I ever had a child, I like to think he would look like him: small and hard.
  (stands next to a stuffed mountain goat) I hate this goat.
• After they determine that they will have to have an honorable duel to resolve their dispute, the werewolves all ferociously howl and the vampires all furiously hiss... with Guillermo trying to join in and immediately getting told off by Nandor. "Real vampires only!"
• The Running Gag of Nadja being repeatedly called a "Sense and Sensibility bitch" and other similar insults by one of the female werewolves.
• How does Nandor win the fight with the gigantic werewolf Toby? Distract him with a squeaky bone chew toy. And throw it over the edge of the abandoned Circuit City building they are fighting on top of, where said werewolf jumps over to catch it. As they mourn their fallen friend, the werewolves ask the vampires if they can actually keep the squeaky bone if they can find it; the vampires don't care, so the werewolves immediately abandon Toby’s unconscious body and start looking for the prized squeaky bone.

"Manhattan Night Club"

• Simon the Devious introducing his vampire crew “the Leatherskins,” and all their increasingly ridiculous names:
  Simon the Devious: Of course that's Big Vlad behind you, Abbadon, Empusa. We've got the Freak Sisters over there, they're two sisters and they are not related. That's Little Vlad, the guy's a fucking maniac! We've got Mister Fifties, we've got S, and that's because her name is Sarah. We've got Evil Steve, Freakfest Tony. Ah there he is, Blagvlad the Exsanguinator! And of course, the Silent One.
  The Silent One: (whispering) Hi.
  Simon the Devious: We keep going over there, we've got Asian Mike, and that's Chunt, Jane the Soulless, Elgrad the Fifth, Horvok the Pit Master, Gonthrapel and his brother Krylsac. It's Wesley Sykes, Desdemona the Shrieker.
  Desdemona the Shrieker: (inhuman shrieking noise)
  Simon the Devious: Yes. There's Len my accountant, and of course, Count Rapula.
  Count Rapula: Three hundred years livin' in New York, son. I didn't start rhymin' 'til 1991.
  Simon the Devious: Yes, he just started rapping in 1991!
• Thanks to the cursed witch hat, Laszlo's cape gets caught in the taxicab door and results in him getting dragged for an entire block.
• "I'm gonna take my hat back, you crispy piece of shit."

"Animal Control"

• After being rescued from animal control after being knocked unconscious as a bat, Laszlo says he has to go back for his animal brethren. Cut to the cats he was trying to rescue clawing and yowling all over him.

"Baron's Night Out"

• All of the bender scenes. Special mention to Nandor's "drug blood" bit, throughout which Nandor is wearing a traffic cone on his head like a wizard's hat.
  "We drank the blood of some people, but the people were on drugs, and now I am a wizard!"
  • He then goes on to sing a little ditty about it and flap his arms around.
    "I drank the drug blood, yeah, I drank some drug blood...
• The Baron takes a bite of pizza. Cue projectile vomiting and being propelled by the vomit to the point where he soars between two buildings before crashing back down to Earth. The Baron cinches it by saying that it was worth it.

"The Trial"

• The room where the East Coast Vampire Council meets is called the "Temple of Blood-Devourers"... and is just the basement level of an ordinary office block. Even better, it's mentioned in passing that the torches lighting their hallways are all actually fake electrical lights, since otherwise "the fire marshal would have a fit."
• The gang meet two folks — "Vasilika the Defiler" and "Garrett the Vampire" — who claim to have been prisoners in a single room for "over a thousand years" since... 1932. When they hear it's 2019 and so they were only in there for 90 years, they moan about how this is way worse than they thought.
  • This scene also has Garret vowing that if he ever finds the vampire who framed him for turning a baby into a vampire (read: Laszlo), he will "take a dagger... and stab them 5,000 times, with this hand, then switch hands, and stab them another 5,000 times!" Laszlo's visible Oh, Crap! expression in the background only makes it funnier.
  • Why was Vasilika imprisoned? In her own words, "too much defiling."
• The members of the Vampire Council. In addition to the original cast of the movie reprising their roles, the crew somehow managed to actually get Tilda Swinton, Danny Trejo, Paul Reubens, Evan Rachel Wood, and... wait for it... Wesley Snipes to dress up like vampires and bicker. Mention is made that "Robert wanted to move beyond that stuff...", Brad and Tom weren't interested, and "Kiefer wanted to, but wasn't available."
  • Paul points out that Wesley is a vampire killer and shouldn't be on the council. Tilda plays peacekeeper by saying that Wesley's opinion still counts since he's half vampire, and Danny grumbles that he'll only listen to half of Wesley's opinion. Wesley, meanwhile, is on a video chat with a glitchy connection, and is at least a minute behind everyone else.
• Colin Robinson saving the vampire roommates with a patio umbrella so they won't be burned up by the Sun... and then awkwardly swaying the covered birdcage they're all hiding in (after turning into bats) back and forth since it's a "vampire roller coaster!" as they head home.

"Citizenship"

• invoked Jenna's Lampshade Hanging over the Fridge Logic of where the vampires' clothes go when they shapeshift into bats. Laszlo and Nadja both being visibly stumped before awkwardly changing the subject only makes it funnier.
• The Epic Fail that is Nandor's attempt to pass his U.S. citizenship exam. Cringe Comedy doesn't even begin to describe it.
  • Additionally, why doesn't Nandor just hypnotize the Obstructive Bureaucrat into granting him citizenship? Well...
    Nandor: ...government workers are immune to hypnotism. It's like their souls are dead or something. ...I don't detect any humanity left in them.

"The Orgy"

• While preparing for the bi-annual vampire orgy, Laszlo brings out some vintage vampire porn that he starred in. Nadja tells him "Just throw it on the pile." Pan to a large pile of assorted sex toys and a gimp.
  Laszlo: Alright there, Constantine?
  Constantine: [casually waves in acknowledgement]
• Guillermo is rather uncomfortable with the fact that the vampires are hosting an orgy and how he has to help out with organizing it, especially when they make him describe whatever sex acts they're pantomiming while they prepare for it.
  Guillermo: "Gizmo, get the dildos!" "Gizmo, try out the dildos!" "Mmm, how were the dildos?" [frustrated] They're fine.
• The ending of the episode, where Guillermo's friend Jeremy, Constantine the gimp, and Colin Robinson all relax by playing Apples to Apples while the rest of the vampires leave in a disgusted huff when Laszlo decides to have a "two-person orgy" with Nadja.

Season 2

"Resurrection"

• Guillermo repeatedly stating how he doesn't want to be a vampire hunter, followed by a montage of vampires that he's killed in the last week or so.

"Ghosts"

• Despite his usual horniness, the undead Laszlo is very reluctant to help his own ghost with his unfinished business of having one last orgasm. When Nadja mistakes the fresh semen for ectoplasm, Laszlo has a quick Sure, Let's Go with That reaction.
• Nadja's delivery of the Gratuitous Greek chant during the seance has to be heard to be believed.

"Brain Scramblies"

• The gang gets invited to a Super Bowl party, which they all interpret as a "Superb Owl" party. It rapidly devolves into Nadja attempting to rob them, Colin using the party as an excuse to to drain a captive audience, and Nandor and Laszlo accidentally overhypnotizing the host into insanity. Meanwhile, Guillermo accidentally walks into a vampire hunter meeting, much to his visible and audible irritation.

"The Curse"

• After Guillermo's admittedly awesome vampire hunting rampage through the house, he escapes... Leaving every vampire in the building to turn to the film crew.
  Cameraman: Shit.
  • They do manage to escape despite this.
• Meanwhile, in the same episode as Guillermo's vampire hunting, the trio get a chain email and freak out under the assumption that Nandor has actually cursed them all.
  • The email includes the anecdote of a girl named Arianna who is brutally killed by Bloody Mary. Laszlo continuously tells Nandor and Nadja about her throughout the episode as if they're unaware, despite them having read the email.
  • In order to escape death, the trio desperately seek out email addresses, including Richard Branson.
  • At one point Nadja decides to send the email to Bloody Mary herself, with the email address [e-mail]. Cue the email bouncing back and the trio believing that the Mailer Daemon is a literal demon living in the computer.
• Laszlo's reaction to a ringing phone has to be seen to be believed.
  What clarion call is that?! The clanging chimes OF DOOM?!

"Colin's Promotion"

• Colin Robinson's power grows so great that he can exhaust people with a single joke. Eventually, he drains so much power that he gains the powers of flight and multiplication.
  • Colin is positioned as the villain of the episode, and how is he defeated? After multiplying, he and his clones accidentally drain each other with their usual drivel.
• The group find a portrait of a village burning, and it quickly emerges that it was Nadja's village and that Nandor's army was the one pillaging it. Cue Nandor's increasingly desperate attempts to deny responsibility, despite the mounting evidence, including the fact that he's in the painting.
  Nandor: Well... the pillaging could have been done by anyone, we cannot go jumping to the conclusion that I am to blame.
  Laszlo: He's right my darling, we've got no evidence that it was him.
  Nadja: Then what the fuck is Persian Frank Zappa doing on that horse?!
  Laszlo: Yeah, that's him.
• Towards the end of the episode, Nandor's energy levels are so low he resorts to asking Guillermo and the camera crew to feed themselves to him.

"On the Run"

• The entire episode is a barrel of laughs. Due to an old debtor — a vampire named Jim, played by Mark Hamill — Laszlo moves to Pennsylvania for a week to become Jackie Daytona, regular human bartender, whose only differences from Laszlo are the toothpick in his mouth and his love of girls' high school volleyball.
• When Jim first arrives at the vampire roommates' house, there's a brief yet utterly hysterical example of All of the Other Reindeer where Guillermo is sneaking up behind Jim, getting ready to stake him... and as soon as he hears that Jim is only here for Laszlo, he gives a startled Aside Glance to the camera crew before shrugging and putting his stake away.
• Laszlo offhandedly explaining how he got the job as bartender:
  Laszlo: I took over Lucky Bruce's Bar and Grill. The previous owner, he mysteriously disappeared. (without skipping a beat) Because I killed him.
• Laszlo's enemy Jim — not realizing that "Jackie Daytona" is the vampire he's looking for — gives him a business card and says to call him if Laszlo turns up. When Laszlo thanks him by name, Jim suspiciously freezes and asks how he knew his name — turns out it was printed on the business card all along.
  • He later returns again, when he finds out about the charity concert for the Girls' Volleyball Team. He talks about how Laszlo "swindled" on him, obviously with the implication that he found Laszlo and is ready to duel him, but then it's revealed he didn't know all along. Even better, while he does recognize "Jackie Daytona" as a vampire once he sees him without a reflection, he doesn't recognize he's actually Laszlo until Laszlo takes out the toothpick in his mouth (which Laszlo had earlier described as the most important part of his disguise).
    Jim: It is you!
• And on a side note, there's Colin Robinson hitting on a despondent Nadja for the sake of feeding... and then being genuinely disappointed when his actual attempt at hitting on Doll-Nadja goes nowhere.

"The Return"

• Simon the Devious returns, seeking the cursed witch hat. He and Laszlo have a bat fight over it, but since the hat is cursed, they both end up getting injured whenever one of them grabs it. At one point, Laszlo winds up in the street and is hit by a string of cars in rapid succession, being spun head-over-heels as he bounces along their roofs.
• Simon melodramatically explains how he escaped and reunited with Count Rapula:
  Simon: How did I survive, you ask?
  Laszlo: I didn't ask.
  Nadja: No one asked.
  Simon: I used what little strength I had and wandered the sewers of New York City, eventually connecting with Carol, who has been great. And then I found Rapula by sending him psychic messages...
  Count Rapula: (slightly peeved) Uh, you emailed me.
  Simon: And I emailed him as well. And now, it is to my great shame that you find me here!
  Nadja: In a sewer?
  Simon: In Staten Island!
• Meanwhile, in the episode's B-plot, Colin Robinson becomes an Internet Troll in order to gain energy at a distance. He ends up getting counter-trolled by... an actual Troll, who dislikes the term "trolling" because he finds it offensive. Colin... just can't help himself and starts feeding on the Troll.
  Troll: It's an offensive term!
  Colin: Well, it's what it means, so...
  Troll: That's not what it means!
  Colin: It does mean that. If you want me to look it up in Webster's and show you, I will. You're basically just a big—
  Troll: Don't say it! My being a troll is not related to my online-trolling!
  • Colin manages to bore the Troll for so long that he falls half-asleep and doesn't realize that the sun is coming up, causing him to turn to stone. What makes it particularly hilarious is that the pixilation filter over the Troll's exposed genitalia quietly fades away when it happens.
  • Colin then celebrates his victory... a bit too soon.
    Colin: Sorry, Freddie Mercury, but I am the champion! (lifts his arms in triumph and laughs)
    (the petrified Troll suddenly moves its arm and grabs Colin by his lifted arms)
    Colin: ...Shit!

"Collaboration"

• When Guillermo starts rambling about an orgy he was at, Nandor cuts him off before he gets to the conclusion of the story (where the orgy was attacked by vampires) because he thinks Guillermo is bragging.

"Witches"

• After being kidnapped to have their semen extracted, Laszlo and Nandor are looking forward to what comes next and call for Nadja (who's in the next room) to take her time and make a plan before rescuing them. Then they see that their semen is going to be extracted with sharp torture instruments and frantically scream for Nadja to hurry.
• When Guillermo discovers an exit from the witches' room of many doors, Colin Robinson keeps casually Stealing the Credit for said escape purely to annoy him. It is extremely effective. It backfires when the witches decide to also extract Colin Robinson's semen and Guillermo casually states he doesn't understand English when Colin then tries to properly credit who actually figured the way out.

"Théâtre des Vampires"

• Without the aid of Guillermo, the vampires are near-instantly reduced to ineffectiveness. Bodies are left scattered everywhere, candles are left in piles of melted wax, and the nightwalkers resort to wearing clothes such as sweatpants and jerseys because none of them knows how to do laundry.
• Guillermo's reason as to why he quit being a familiar.
  Guillermo: I wasn't focused.
  (intense music plays as Guillermo ominously polishes a sword right behind Nadja's head)
• During the play, Nadja and Laszlo constantly complain that the actors performing as them aren't up to snuff and keep doing stuff that they would never do. An exasperated Nandor points out that they should be more concerned about how the play is just the prelude to their deaths:
  Nandor: This is your hot take?! That you have a problem with the choreography!?

Season 3

"The Prisoner"

• In the month since Guillermo slaughtered the Vampire Council, Guillermo has been locked in a cage in the basement while Nandor, Nadja, Laszlo, Doll!Nadja, and Colin Robinson debate whether or not to kill him. Incompetent as the vampires are, the cage turns out to be easy for Guillermo to escape. Of course, rather than flee the house, he sticks around and does all the normal chores, because he realizes that the vampires would be hopeless without him. No one in the group has bothered to change out of their outfits from the last episode, implying that they went straight home from the Theatre and promptly spent the entire month debating what to do while not actually following up on anything.
• While Guillermo is locked up, the vampires provide him raw chicken to eat, which he understandably throws away and instead eats cooked food such as cheeseburgers while secretly out of his cage. Colin Robinson digs through his stool looking for "secret messages", and finds none... but does find identifiable pieces of pickles, which neither he nor any of the others (who, to be fair, probably try to ignore him as much as possible) find suspicious.
• Throughout Season 2, the vampires were constantly facing the prospect of death for the death of The Baron, but because Guillermo killed the entire Council for the Eastern Seaboard, the International Council of Vampires decides to promote Nadja, Laszlo, Nandor, and Colin Robinson to become the new regional Council, on the theory that A Million Is a Statistic and anyone capable of killing that many of their fellow vampires must be capable of getting things done.
  • The Guide is less than amused with having to assist these four, regarding them as a significant downgrade compared to past Councils, but writes off her complaints as "above her pay grade" whenever musing on it.
• Guillermo explains to the filming crew that he's become Immune to Mind Control because the vampires keep using their hypnosis for the absolute pettiest things, including countermanding each other's commands. By now, he just considers going along with it easier than trying to disobey them.

"The Cloak of Duplication"

• Laszlo's pure glee at finding the Vampiric Council's legendary Porn Stash.
  Laszlo: Don't touch that book, Gizmo, it's too much for your young cock.
• Nadja going full tyrannical maniac as de facto leader of the council.
  Nadja: I am fully prepared to escalate things to crazy levels!!

"Gail"

• Nandor invites his old girlfriend Gail to the house in the hopes of proposing and turning her into a vampire. Nadja hates her, mostly because every time she shows up, she leaves Nandor a heartbroken mess. Meanwhile, Colin Robinson and Laszlo attempt to transport an old car from inside the sanctum of vampires, and wreck billions of years of vampiric history in the process.

"The Casino"

• At the casino's hotel, Colin Robinson is trying to watch his favorite show that he can only watch in the hotel... because it's the hotel's promotion channel. There's also his abject misery over the other vampires "ruining his show" later on when Guillermo comes back with their native soil.
• While in Atlantic City for Sean and Charmaine's renewal of vows, Nadja is invited backstage to meet the Rat Pack... completely unaware that they are a tribute band and not actually Frankie, Dino, and Sammy. Upon meeting them, Laszlo expresses bafflement at how Frankie is now Chinese, but since Frankie still remembers the "Ring-a-ding-ding!" catchphrase, Laszlo just shrugs it off. For their part, the Rat Pack just assume that Nadja is a very enthusiastic groupie (and due to the vampires being ill without their native soil, a very drunk groupie at that).
• Nadja thinks that a good way of reminding the Rat Pack who she is, is to fling up her legs and show them her crotch.
• After Nandor asks how The Big Bang Theory got its name, Colin Robinson helpfully gives him a lecture on astrophysics. Unfortunately, this sends poor Nandor into a Heroic BSoD, as he'd spent the last 750 years believing that the Earth sat atop the backs of four elephants perched upon a giant turtle.
  Colin Robinson: This is science.
  Nandor: (increasingly desperate) But this is a turtle!

"The Siren"

• "Is that him? Is that Count Bakula?"
• Suffice to say, the Guide is not impressed with Nandor and Nadja's power sharing arrangement:

  The Guide: This is the most poorly run Vampiric Council since the rule of Paduk the Deranged. Who also tried to share his leadership duties with what he believed to be was a talking footstool.

Season 4

"Reunited"

• Nadja's reaction when she comes home is to look at the camera and marvel "These guys are still alive?!"
• Nandor's "world tour" first had him going as far as Fresno where he fell in with a Wisconsin family for some roadside tourism spots. He then got on a container ship, eating the crew only to end up getting jammed in the Suez Canal.
• Laszlo tells Nandor there's "room in the back" for him to join while having reunion sex with Nadja on a couch nearby. Nandor says he's "tempted", but declines and choses to continue just watching them.
• When Nandor mentions Guillermo, Laszlo has no idea who he's talking about. Cue Nadja popping open the wooden crate Guillermo has been in for the last week and Laszlo going "Oh, that guy!"
• The roommates need to get some money. While Nadja suggests opening a nightclub, Nandor suggests raiding Fort Knox, or alternatively, Henry Ford's house.

"The Lamp"

• Tired of the attention Nandor is giving him one of Nandor's guy wives asks for the gold coin.
• In order to convince the Guide to let them build the vampire nightclub, Nadja and Laszlo decide to take advantage of her fetishes... and send Guillermo in to seduce her, as it turns out she's into the Van Helsing clan.

"The Night Market"

• Nadja's initial solution to the striking Wraiths is to kill them all.
  • The Valkyries in the Night Market being an obvious spoof of IKEA.

"Private School"

• The vampires' increasingly ridiculous attempts to hypnotize the headmaster of a private school they want to get baby Colin into involve them attempting to pose as Colin's parents, a situation that results in them repeatedly wiping the headmaster's mind and starting from scratch. Among Colin's many "mothers" and "fathers" are:
  • Lazlo and Nandor, who pretend to be gay and go on about how they "ream each other nightly".
  • Guillermo as a single father.
  • Sal Vulcano, whom Lazlo quickly murders.
  • Sean and the headmaster, both of whom are too confused to protest.
  • The corpse of Sal Vulcano and a random skunk.
  • Then at the end, it's revealed that the headmaster died from a stroke due to too many mind wipes in a row.

"Pine Barrens"

• Guillermo has to tell increasingly sillier lies about his real life to his family, culminating in saying that Nadja is both his maid and his girlfriend, and regularly calls him a rotten shitbag as a term of endearment.
• Marwa, the Guide, and Doll Nadja are completely oblivious to Nadja being chased around by Guillermo's relatives since they're so enrapt by the plot of Mamma Mia!. All three have been trying to figure out which actor is the father of Sophie, with the Guide bewildered that this movie seems to be so long.
• Nadja's non-reaction to Guillermo finally coming out as gay to his family is both funny and strangely heartwarming.
  Nadja: I mean, who isn't gay?
  Guillermo: A lot of people.
  Nadja: Oh, okay. Woohoo. I'll get the trumpets out. Sorry.
• While at the cabin, Sean tells Nandor, Lazlo, and Young Colin about The Jersey Devil, describing it as having dragon wings, a goat head, hooves, horns, "and two low hanging balls with a button cock on top". Nandor and Lazlo tell the camera crew that the Jersey Devil was a myth vampires made up to explain all the corpses they left in the Pine Barrens. However, after Lazlo and Nandor follow Young Colin into the woods, they hear Sean scream and run back to the cabin, where they discover that the Jersey Devil is real, is attacking Sean, and looks exactly like Sean described.
  Nandor: Look at the size of his balls!
  • Lazlo tries to subdue the Devil by enchanting it with his magic flute. At first, the Jersey Devil slowly walks toward Lazlo like it's under his spell, only to suddenly grab the flute and snap it half while grabbing Lazlo by the neck.
    Lazlo: Nandor, I've been double crossed by the Devil!^note pronounced "Dee-vil"
  • While Jersey Devil fights Nandor and Lazlo, Young Colin asks Siri to play "New Jersey music". Siri begins playing "Living On A Prayer", causing the Jersey Devil to throw Nandor to the ground and Lazlo into the lake so it can sing and dance to the music, complete in a deep, off key voice.
  • As Nandor and Lazlo drain the Jersey Devil of blood, Sean runs out with his shotgun, only to shoot himself in foot.
    Sean: Fucking Jersey!
    Young Colin: Okay, can we go home now?

"Go Flip Yourself"

• Throughout the season, Laszlo has been watching a home renovation show Go Flip Yourself. He then proceeds to invite the hosts to the mansion so they can fix the place up... Only for the host to be revealed as Simon the Devious, who went through the effort of starting a multi-season television show for the sole purpose of luring Laszlo into hiring them so that Simon can get the cursed witch-hat back.
• The roommates accuse Simon the Devious of breaking The Masquerade, as the show will be aired to millions of people... Only for him to declare that his show is so tedious and uninteresting that nobody is going to notice. And indeed, when the episode does air, nobody does.

"Freddie"

• Jim Jarmusch managing to survive going to Nadja's vampire nightclub without catching on to what's going on there is darkly hilarious-he avoids getting killed by vampires because unlike his friends Sofia Coppola and Thomas Mars he is not rich enough to buy a $5000 'Celebrity Special' that turns out to be a Deadly Euphemism for getting drained by vampires at the bar.
  • He later tries calling Coppola and asks why Mars and her are avoiding him, with the possibility that it wasn't a prank evidently never crossing his mind.

Season 5

"The Mall"

• Eager to be turned into a vampire, Guillermo pays Derek to turn him. Derek, as it turns out, is both incompetent at turning AND a hemophobe, and thus he not only nearly kills Guillermo, but he also passes out at the sight of all the blood spraying around. Meanwhile, Derek's boss keeps interrupting them, insisting that Derek clean up the restroom.
• The bizarre and hilariously obscene list of traits that Nadja requests when looking for a new body for Nadja Doll, all to a poor stunned Build-A-Bear worker.

"A Night Out With the Guys"

• Nandor and Laszlo's attempts to prove that they can pass for normal guys around Sean and his friends go awry when the guys get the brilliant idea of stealing a cop car.

"Pride Parade"

• Sean enlists Nandor and Laszlo's help in organizing a pride parade as part of his campaign for comptroller, but Nandor gets distracted by an ill-advised plan to fly into outer space, while Laszlo gets distracted when he discovers that Guillrmo's sweat can be used to make a sunscreen that will allow him to walk in the daylight for the first time in centuries.
• Nadja, in an effort to patch things up with Doll Nadja, agrees to swap bodies with her so that the latter can get laid, but when Doll Nadja refuses to switch back after her attempts to seduce Colin Robinson fail, Nadja resorts to transferring Colin Robinson into her body in an attempt to smoke Doll Nadja out.

"The Campaign"

• Colin Robinson's half-assed campaign for comptroller attracts attention from the Energy Vampire Council, who have a vested interest in him winning, because his opponent wants to streamline the comptroller's office, and the Council fears that this could lead to greater reforms that would do away with the bureaucracy that has kept so many of them fed over the years. Of course, being energy vampires, it takes them several aggravating minutes to get around to explaining this to Colin, as they're too busy trying to aggravate him and each other in order to feed.
• Fed up with the campaign trail, Colin sabotages his own campaign by exposing himself to his horrified constituents. Luckily for the Energy Vampire Council, Evie Russell swoops in and takes his place on the campaign trail by posing as his traumatized but resilient wife.
• Continuing from "Pride Parade", Sean reveals he had to drop out of the race for comptroller because he had nine DUIs. According to him, most board members only have two or three.
• Nandor attempts to befriend Alexander, a Jewish man he meets at the gym. He begins peppering his dialogue with Yiddish words as a result of this and eventually, when Nandor's eccentric behavior alienates Alexander, attempts to repair the relationship by having Guillermo circumcise him and showing the result to Alexander. And when Alexander obviously doesn't take that too well, Nandor concludes the issue was that his vampiric healing let his foreskin grow back.

"Local News"

• Guillermo takes the night off to attend a birthday party for his mother, and of course the housemates make a complete mess of things as Nandor accidentally reveals on local television that he is a vampire. Hilarity quickly ensues as the vampires squabble over how to deal with their possible exposure, with Nadja and the Guide trying to flee, Nandor and Laszlo wanting to commit a kidnapping and murder, and Colin Robinson setting up booby traps all over the house.
  • Nandor introducing himself to the reporter as Nandor the Relentless and they have him down as Nandor DeLaurentis.
• The vampires mange to seize control of the local TV news studio while it happens to be airing, and thus they take over the reporting, leading to the bizarre spectacle of Nadja and Laszlo calmly reading the news, Colin reporting on the weather (and trying lamely to explain why the weather map has a large bloodstain), Nandor reporting on sports, and the Guide not-so-discreetly dragging the dead corpse of the weather man off-screen.

"Urgent Care"

• As part of his latest experiment, Laszlo has injected a sample of Guillermo's blood into several frogs, resulting in them growing hair and developing the ability to fly. He extrapolates from this that Guillermo himself should be capable of flight, and thus cajoles him into trying to fly from the balcony. Guillermo almost pulls it off, but then Nandor bellows for him, and in his distraction, he falls to the ground and breaks his ankle, setting off the A-plot as Nadja reluctantly takes him to the vet (which turns out to be a front for the vampires' familiar clinic, although they treat familiars exactly like pets.)
• Colin Robinson has suffered an eye injury that, much to his annoyance, causes people to be interested in him, which interferes with his ability to bore (and thus feed on) them. He and Nandor try to go into the city to feed on humans so that he can recover, but he gets his foot run over by a motorist... who turns out to be actor John Slattery, drawing a crowd. When Slattery offers him and Nandor a ride, Colin tries to tell him boring, offensive stories, but Slattery is fascinated by his accent and spends the car ride trying to figure out what kind of accent it is. Finally, Colin and Nandor try to hit a convenience store in the hopes of boring a cashier, but the store turns out to be in the middle of a robbery... and then the robber recognizes Colin because a video of him with Slattery has gone viral, and while he's distracted, the store owner beats him, and thus Colin is unexpectedly a hero. By the end of the night, the constant excitement has left Colin nearly dead.
• Guillermo, stoned out of his gourd from tranquilizers, tells Nadja that he loves her, even though she's a bitch, then murmurs that he also loves Colin Robinson, and then says that he really loves Nandor, the "queen bitch".

"Hybrid Creatures"

• Nandor finds a museum has collected items from his past...and dismissed his writings as the ramblings of a crazy immigrant who likely never had sex. Nandor doesn't take it well but Colin remakes it into a wild tribute befitting a rock star.
• Guillermo refuses to kill his "children," firing his gun in the air and saying "no one dies under my watch." Cue a half dozen birds falling out of the sky.

"The Roast"

• Laszlo is despondent throughout the episode, and the housemates have different theories as to why (Nadja thinks her hex is affecting him, Guillermo believes Laszlo’s inability to reverse his transformation is the culprit, and it’s suggested that he’s still dealing with the fallout of Child Colin). At the end of the episode, he reveals the reason: he was internally debating whether to categorize his library by author or by title.
• After The Baron finds out Guillermo is the one who exposed him to sunlight, he gets up and viciously denounces the vampires at Laszlo's roast for going soft. He explicitly notes they've gotten so soft they even invited a human to this event in the form of Sean...only to backtrack and acknowledge that he also likes Sean and is fine with him being there.

"Exit Interview"

• Despite Guillermo trying to lay low in hiding from the wrath of Nandor after the last episode, practically everyone finds out his location. Originally it's just Derek, but the documentary crew finds him quickly, Derek tells Nadja where Guillermo is and from there Colin, Laszlo and The Guide all come by. By the time The Guide shows up, Guillermo is thoroughly exasperated.
  Guillermo: Does anyone not know where I am?
  The Guide: I'm usually the last to know about these things, so probably not.
  • The Guide brings the hybrid "children" with her and notes that she told them that Guillermo was going away to a nice farm rather than telling them that Nandor is most likely going to kill him. One of the hybrids asks if they can go with him.
• The title comes from Colin Robinson attempting to give one to Guillermo after wishing him luck in avoiding Nandor's wrath. The interview lasts all of three seconds before Guillermo gives up-namely because Colin's first question is about how satisfied with pay Guillermo was and then when Guillermo points out he didn't get paid, Colin asks if he thinks they can get away with not paying the next familiar.
• An enraged Nandor is hunting for Guillermo and stakes out the one place he knows Guillermo will return: Panera Bread. After attacking a bystander who turns out to be none other than Patton Oswalt, Nandor learns there's more than one Panera Bread. But when he "befriends" Patton Oswalt to tell him about his issues, Patton tries to get him to forgive Guillermo. Nandor, furious that someone would side against him after his "tale of deceit and betrayal," declares that "all who betray me must be destroyed!" and kicks Patton off the roof. Only to realize that losing a friend feels bad and decides to forgive Guillermo anyway. Patton Oswalt, your sacrifice was not in vain!