History Funny / WhatWeDoInTheShadows2019

-->'''Nadja:''' The what the fuck is Persian Frank Zappa doing on that horse?!

-->Nandor: Well... the pillaging could have been done by anyone, we cannot go jumping to the conclusion that I am to blame.
-->Laszlo: He's right my darling, we've got no evidence that it was him.
-->Nadja: The what the fuck is Persian Frank Zappa doing on that horse?!
-->Laszlo: Yeah, that's him.

---->'''Guillermo:''' Does anyone ''not'' know where I am?\\

** The Guide brings the hybrid "children" with her and notes that she told them that Guillermo was [[DogSentToAFarm going away to a nice farmfarm]] rather than telling them that Nandor is most likely going to kill him. One of the hybrids asks if they can go with him.

* An enraged Nandor is hunting for Guillermo and stakes out the one place he knows Guillermo will return: Panera Bread. After attacking a bystander who turns out to be none other thaCreator/PattonOswalt, Nandor learns there's more than one Panera Bread. But when he "befriends" Patton Oswalt to tell him about his issues, Patton tries to get him to forgive Guillermo. Nandor, furious that someone would side against him after his "tale of deceit and betrayal," declares that "all who betray me must be destroyed!" and kicks Patton off the roof. Only to realize that losing a friend feels bad and decides to forgive Guillermo anyway. Patton Oswalt, your sacrifice was not in vain!

--->'''Barbara Lazarro:''' This was a clear and direct threat to my well-being...\\

--->'''Nandor:''' Are you leaving with us?\\

--->'''Colin Robinson:''' Evie Russell.\\

--->'''Nadja:''' ''(next to a stuffed owl)'' This one is a very special creature to me. When I first met Laszlo, I was walking on the moors with him, and this owl flew over and scratched my head, and I said, "Kill that fucking bitch please, Laszlo."\\

--->'''Laszlo:''' Alright there, Constantine?\\

--->'''Guillermo:''' "Gizmo, get the dildos!" "Gizmo, try out the dildos!" "Mmm, how were the dildos?" ''[frustrated]'' They're '''fine'''.

--->''What clarion call is that?! The clanging chimes'' '''[[DoomyDoomsOfDoom OF DOOM]]?!'''

--->'''Laszlo:''' I took over Lucky Bruce's Bar and Grill. The previous owner, he mysteriously disappeared. ''(without skipping a beat)'' Because I killed him.

---->'''Jim:''' It ''is'' you!

--->'''Simon:''' How did I survive, you ask?\\

--->'''Troll:''' It's an offensive term!\\

---->'''Colin:''' Sorry, Music/FreddieMercury, but ''I'' am the champion! ''(lifts his arms in triumph and laughs)''\\

--->'''Guillermo:''' I wasn't focused.\\

--->'''Nandor:''' This is your ''hot take?!'' That you have a problem with the ''choreography!?''

--->'''Laszlo:''' Don't touch that book, [[MaliciousMisnaming Gizmo]], it's too much for your young cock.

--->'''Nadja:''' I am fully prepared to escalate things to ''crazy levels!!''

--->'''Colin Robinson:''' This is science.\\

--->'''Nadja:''' I mean, who isn't [[CastFullOfGay gay]]?
--->'''Guillermo:''' [[DeadpanSnarker A lot of people.]]
--->'''Nadja:''' [[SnarkToSnarkCombat Oh, okay.]] [[FlatJoy Woohoo.]] I'll get the trumpets out. Sorry.

--->'''Nandor:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Look at the size of his balls!]]

---->'''Lazlo:''' Nandor, I've been double crossed by the Devil![[note]]pronounced "Dee-vil"[[/note]]

---->'''Sean:''' Fucking Jersey!\\

* An enraged Nandor is hunting for Guillermo and stakes out the one place he knows Guillermo will return: Panera Bread. After attacking a bystander who turns out to be none other than Patton Oswalt, Nandor learns there's more than one Panera Bread. But when he "befriends" Patton Oswalt to tell him about his issues, Patton tries to get him to forgive Guillermo. Nandor, furious that someone would side against him after his "tale of deceit and betrayal," declares that "all who betray me must be destroyed!" and kicks Patton off the roof. Only to realize that losing a friend feels bad and decides to forgive Guillermo anyway. Patton Oswalt, your sacrifice was not in vain!

* "The Return": Simon the Devious returns, seeking the cursed witch hat. He and Laszlo have a bat fight over it, but since the hat is cursed, they both end up getting injured whenever one of them grabs it. At one point, Laszlo winds up in the street and is hit by a string of cars in rapid succession, being spun head-over-heels as he bounces along their roofs.
** Simon melodramatically explains how he escaped and reunited with Count Rapula:

** Meanwhile, in the episode's [=B-plot=], Colin Robinson becomes an InternetTroll in order to gain energy at a distance. He ends up getting counter-trolled by... an ''actual'' Troll, who dislikes the term "trolling" because he finds it offensive. Colin... just can't help himself and starts feeding on the Troll.

*** Colin manages to bore the Troll for so long that he falls half-asleep and doesn't realize that the sun is coming up, causing him to turn to stone. What makes it particularly hilarious is that the pixilation filter over the Troll's exposed genitalia quietly fades away when it happens.
*** Colin then celebrates his victory... a bit too soon.

* "Collaboration": When Guillermo starts rambling about an orgy he was at, Nandor cuts him off before he gets to the conclusion of the story (where the orgy was attacked by vampires) because he thinks Guillermo is bragging.
* "Witches":
** After being kidnapped to have their semen extracted, Laszlo and Nandor are looking forward to what comes next and call for Nadja (who's in the next room) to take her time and make a plan before rescuing them. Then they see that their semen is going to be extracted with sharp torture instruments and frantically scream for Nadja to hurry.
** When Guillermo discovers an exit from the witches' room of many doors, Colin Robinson keeps casually StealingTheCredit for said escape purely to annoy him. It is ''extremely'' effective. It backfires when the witches decide to also extract Colin Robinson's semen and Guillermo casually states he doesn't understand English when Colin then tries to properly credit who actually figured the way out.
* "Théâtre des Vampires": Without the aid of Guillermo, the vampires are near-instantly reduced to ineffectiveness. Bodies are left scattered everywhere, candles are left in piles of melted wax, and the nightwalkers resort to wearing clothes such as sweatpants and jerseys because none of them knows how to do laundry.
** Guillermo's reason as to why he quit being a familiar.

** During the play, Nadja and Laszlo constantly complain that the actors performing as them aren't up to snuff and keep doing stuff that they would never do. An exasperated [[OnlySaneMan Nandor]] [[LampshadeHanging points out that]] [[SkewedPriorities they should be more concerned about how the play is just the prelude to their deaths]]:

* "The Prisoner": In the month since Guillermo slaughtered the Vampire Council, Guillermo has been locked in a cage in the basement while Nandor, Nadja, Laszlo, Doll!Nadja, and Colin Robinson debate whether or not to kill him. Incompetent as the vampires are, the cage turns out to be easy for Guillermo to escape. Of course, rather than flee the house, he sticks around and does all the normal chores, because he realizes that the vampires would be hopeless without him. No one in the group has bothered to change out of their outfits from the last episode, implying that they went straight home from the Theatre and promptly spent the entire month debating what to do while not actually following up on anything.
** While Guillermo is locked up, the vampires provide him raw chicken to eat, which he understandably throws away and instead eats cooked food such as cheeseburgers while secretly out of his cage. Colin Robinson digs through his stool looking for "secret messages", and finds none... but does find identifiable pieces of pickles, which neither he nor any of the others (who, to be fair, probably try to ignore him as much as possible) find suspicious.
** Throughout Season 2, the vampires were constantly facing the prospect of death for the death of The Baron, but because Guillermo killed the entire Council for the Eastern Seaboard, the International Council of Vampires decides to promote Nadja, Laszlo, Nandor, and Colin Robinson to become the new regional Council, on the theory that AMillionIsAStatistic and anyone capable of killing ''that'' many of their fellow vampires must be capable of getting things done.

** Guillermo explains to the filming crew that he's become ImmuneToMindControl because the vampires keep using their hypnosis for the absolute pettiest things, including countermanding each other's commands. By now, he just considers going along with it easier than trying to disobey them.
* "The Cloak of Duplication":
** Laszlo's pure glee at finding the Vampiric Council's legendary PornStash.

** Nadja going full [[TyrantTakesTheHelm tyrannical]] [[GodSaveUsFromTheQueen maniac]] as de facto leader of the council.

* "Gail": Nandor invites his old girlfriend Gail to the house in the hopes of proposing and turning her into a vampire. Nadja hates her, mostly because every time she shows up, she leaves Nandor a heartbroken mess. Meanwhile, Colin Robinson and Laszlo attempt to transport an old car from inside the sanctum of vampires, and wreck billions of years of vampiric history in the process.
* "The Casino": At the casino's hotel, Colin Robinson is trying to watch his favorite show that he can only watch in the hotel... because it's [[IncrediblyLameFun the hotel's promotion channel]]. There's also his abject misery over the other vampires "ruining his show" later on when Guillermo comes back with their native soil.
** While in Atlantic City for Sean and Charmaine's renewal of vows, Nadja is invited backstage to meet the Creator/RatPack... completely unaware that they are a tribute band and not actually Frankie, Dino, and Sammy. Upon meeting them, Laszlo expresses bafflement at how Frankie is now Chinese, but since Frankie still remembers the "Ring-a-ding-ding!" catchphrase, Laszlo just shrugs it off. For their part, the Rat Pack just assume that Nadja is a very enthusiastic groupie (and due to the vampires being ill without their native soil, a very ''drunk'' groupie at that).
** Nadja thinks that a good way of reminding the Rat Pack who she is, is to fling up her legs and show them her crotch.
** After Nandor asks how ''Series/TheBigBangTheory'' got its name, Colin Robinson [[HiddenDepths helpfully gives him a lecture on astrophysics]]. Unfortunately, this sends poor Nandor into a HeroicBSOD, as he'd spent the last 750 years believing that [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Turtle the Earth sat atop the backs of four elephants perched upon a giant turtle]].

* "The Siren":
** "Is that him? Is that [[TheCameo Count]] [[Creator/ScottBakula Bakula]]?"
** Suffice to say, the Guide is ''not'' impressed with Nandor and Nadja's power sharing arrangement:

* "Reunited":
** Nadja's reaction when she comes home is to look at the camera and marvel "These guys are still alive?!"
** Nandor's "world tour" first had him going as far as Fresno where he fell in with a Wisconsin family for some roadside tourism spots. He then got on a container ship, eating the crew only to end up [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2021_Suez_Canal_obstruction getting jammed in the Suez Canal]].
** Laszlo tells Nandor there's "room in the back" for him to join while having reunion sex with Nadja on a couch nearby. Nandor says he's "tempted", but declines and choses to continue just watching them.
** When Nandor mentions Guillermo, Laszlo has no idea who he's talking about. Cue Nadja popping open the wooden crate Guillermo has been in for ''the last week'' and Laszlo going "Oh, that guy!"
** The roommates need to get some money. While Nadja suggests opening a nightclub, Nandor suggests ''raiding Fort Knox,'' or alternatively, Henry Ford's house.
* "The Lamp":
** Tired of the attention Nandor is giving him one of Nandor's guy wives asks for the gold coin.
** In order to convince the Guide to let them build the vampire nightclub, Nadja and Laszlo decide to take advantage of her fetishes... And send ''Guillermo'' in to seduce her, as it turns out she's into the Van Helsing clan.
* "The Night Market":
** Nadja's initial solution to the striking Wraiths is to kill them all.

* "Private School": The vampires' increasingly ridiculous attempts to hypnotize the headmaster of a private school they want to get baby Colin into involve them attempting to pose as Colin's parents, a situation that results in them repeatedly wiping the headmaster's mind and starting from scratch. Among Colin's many "mothers" and "fathers" are:

*** Then at the end, it's revealed that the headmaster died from a stroke due to too many mind wipes in a row.
* "Pine Barrens":
** Guillermo has to tell increasingly sillier lies about his real life to his family, culminating in saying that Nadja is both his maid and his girlfriend, and regularly calls him a rotten shitbag as a term of endearment.
** Marwa, the Guide, and Doll Nadja are completely oblivious to Nadja being chased around by Guillermo's relatives since they're so enrapt by the plot of ''Film/MammaMia''. All three have been trying to figure out which actor is the father of Sophie, with the Guide bewildered that this movie seems to be so long.
** Nadja's non-reaction to Guillermo finally coming out as gay to his family is both funny ''and'' [[Heartwarming/WhatWeDoInTheShadows2019 strangely heartwarming.]]

** While at the cabin, Sean tells Nandor, Lazlo, and Young Colin about TheJerseyDevil, describing it as having dragon wings, a goat head, hooves, horns, [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking "and two low hanging balls with a button cock on top"]]. Nandor and Lazlo tell the camera crew that the Jersey Devil was a myth vampires made up to explain all the corpses they left in the Pine Barrens. However, after Lazlo and Nandor follow Young Colin into the woods, they hear Sean scream and run back to the cabin, where they discover that the Jersey Devil is real, is attacking Sean, and looks ''exactly'' like Sean described.

*** Lazlo tries to subdue the Devil by enchanting it with his magic flute. At first, the Jersey Devil slowly walks toward Lazlo like it's under his spell, only to suddenly grab the flute and snap it half while grabbing Lazlo by the neck.

*** While Jersey Devil fights Nandor and Lazlo, Young Colin asks Siri to play "New Jersey music". Siri begins playing [[Music/BonJovi "Living On A Prayer"]], causing the Jersey Devil to throw Nandor to the ground and Lazlo into the lake so it can sing and dance to the music, complete in a deep, off key voice.
*** As Nandor and Lazlo drain the Jersey Devil of blood, Sean runs out with his shotgun, only to shoot himself in foot.

* "Go Flip Yourself":
** Throughout the season, Laszlo has been watching a home renovation show ''Go Flip Yourself''. He then proceeds to invite the hosts to the mansion so they can fix the place up... Only for the host to be revealed as Simon the Devious, who went through the effort of ''starting a multi-season television show'' for the sole purpose of luring Laszlo into hiring them so that Simon can get the cursed witch-hat back.
** The roommates accuse Simon the Devious of breaking TheMasquerade, as the show will be aired to millions of people... Only for him to declare that his show is so tedious and uninteresting that ''nobody is going to notice.'' And indeed, when the episode does air, nobody does.
* "Freddie"
** Creator/JimJarmusch managing to survive going to Nadja's vampire nightclub without catching on to what's going on there is darkly hilarious-he avoids getting killed by vampires because unlike his friends Creator/SofiaCoppola and Thomas Mars he is not rich enough to buy a $5000 'Celebrity Special' that turns out to be a DeadlyEuphemism for getting drained by vampires at the bar.
*** He later tries calling Coppola and asks why Mars and her are avoiding him, with the possibility that it wasn't a prank evidently never crossing his mind.

* "The Mall"
** Eager to be turned into a vampire, Guillermo pays Derek to turn him. Derek, as it turns out, is both incompetent at turning AND a ''hemophobe'', and thus he not only nearly kills Guillermo, but he also passes out at the sight of all the blood spraying around. Meanwhile, Derek's boss keeps interrupting them, insisting that Derek clean up the restroom.
** The bizarre and hilariously obscene list of traits that Nadja requests when looking for a new body for Nadja Doll, all to a poor stunned Build-A-Bear worker.
* "A Night Out with the Guys"
** Nandor and Laszlo's attempts to prove that they can pass for normal guys around Sean and his friends go awry when the guys get the brilliant idea of stealing a cop car.
* "Pride Parade"
** Sean enlists Nandor and Laszlo's help in organizing a pride parade as part of his campaign for comptroller, but Nandor gets distracted by an ill-advised plan to fly into outer space, while Laszlo gets distracted when he discovers that Guillrmo's sweat can be used to make a sunscreen that will allow him to walk in the daylight for the first time in centuries.
** Nadja, in an effort to patch things up with Doll Nadja, agrees to swap bodies with her so that the latter can get laid, but when Doll Nadja refuses to switch back after her attempts to seduce Colin Robinson fail, Nadja resorts to transferring Colin Robinson into her body in an attempt to smoke Doll Nadja out.
* "The Campaign"
** Colin Robinson's half-assed campaign for comptroller attracts attention from the Energy Vampire Council, who have a vested interest in him winning, because his opponent wants to streamline the comptroller's office, and the Council fears that this could lead to greater reforms that would do away with the bureaucracy that has kept so many of them fed over the years. Of course, being energy vampires, it takes them several aggravating minutes to get around to explaining this to Colin, as they're too busy trying to aggravate him and each other in order to feed.
** Fed up with the campaign trail, Colin sabotages his own campaign by exposing himself to his horrified constituents. Luckily for the Energy Vampire Council, Evie Russell swoops in and takes his place on the campaign trail by posing as his traumatized but resilient wife.
** Continuing from "Pride Parade", Sean reveals he had to drop out of the race for comptroller because he had nine [=DUIs=]. According to him, most board members only have two or three.
** Nandor attempts to befriend Alexander, a Jewish man he meets at the gym. He begins [[YiddishAsASecondLanguage peppering his dialogue with Yiddish words]] as a result of this and eventually, when Nandor's eccentric behavior alienates Alexander, attempts to repair the relationship by [[CrossesTheLineTwice having Guillermo circumcise him and showing the result to Alexander]]. And when Alexander obviously doesn't take that too well, Nandor concludes [[ComicallyMissingThePoint the issue was that his vampiric healing let his foreskin grow back]].
* "Local News"
** Guillermo takes the night off to attend a birthday party for his mother, and of course the housemates make a complete mess of things as Nandor accidentally reveals on local television that he is a vampire. Hilarity quickly ensues as the vampires squabble over how to deal with their possible exposure, with Nadja and the Guide trying to flee, Nandor and Laszlo wanting to commit a kidnapping and murder, and Colin Robinson setting up booby traps all over the house.
*** Nandor introducing himself to the reporter as Nandor the Relentless and they have him down as Nandor [=DeLaurentis=].
** The vampires mange to seize control of the local TV news studio while it happens to be airing, and thus they take over the reporting, leading to the bizarre spectacle of Nadja and Laszlo calmly reading the news, Colin reporting on the weather (and trying lamely to explain why the weather map has a large bloodstain), Nandor reporting on sports, and the Guide not-so-discreetly dragging the dead corpse of the weather man off-screen.
* "Urgent Care"
** As part of his latest experiment, Laszlo has injected a sample of Guillermo's blood into several frogs, resulting in them growing hair and developing the ability to fly. He extrapolates from this that Guillermo himself should be capable of flight, and thus cajoles him into trying to fly from the balcony. Guillermo almost pulls it off, but then Nandor bellows for him, and in his distraction, he falls to the ground and breaks his ankle, setting off the A-plot as Nadja reluctantly takes him to the vet (which turns out to be a front for the vampires' familiar clinic, although they treat familiars exactly like pets.)
** Colin Robinson has suffered an eye injury that, much to his annoyance, causes people to be interested in him, which interferes with his ability to bore (and thus feed on) them. He and Nandor try to go into the city to feed on humans so that he can recover, but he gets his foot run over by a motorist... who turns out to be actor Creator/JohnSlattery, drawing a crowd. When Slattery offers him and Nandor a ride, Colin tries to tell him boring, offensive stories, but Slattery is fascinated by his accent and spends the car ride trying to figure out what kind of accent it is. Finally, Colin and Nandor try to hit a convenience store in the hopes of boring a cashier, but the store turns out to be in the middle of a robbery... and then the robber recognizes Colin because a video of him with Slattery has gone viral, and while he's distracted, the store owner beats him, and thus Colin is unexpectedly a hero. By the end of the night, the constant excitement has left Colin nearly dead.
** Guillermo, stoned out of his gourd from tranquilizers, tells Nadja that he loves her, even though she's a bitch, then murmurs that he also loves Colin Robinson, and then says that he ''really'' loves Nandor, the "queen bitch".

* "Hybrid Creatures"
** Nandor finds a museum has collected items from his past...and [[CassandraTruth dismissed his writings as the ramblings of a crazy immigrant who likely never had sex.]] Nandor doesn't take it well but Colin remakes it into a wild tribute befitting a rock star.
** Guillermo refuses to kill his "children," firing his gun in the air and saying "no one dies under my watch." Cue a half dozen birds falling out of the sky.

* “The Roast”
** Laszlo is despondent throughout the episode, and the housemates have different theories as to why (Nadja thinks her hex is affecting him, Guillermo believes Laszlo’s inability to reverse his transformation is the culprit, and it’s suggested that he’s still dealing with the fallout of Child Colin). At the end of the episode, he reveals the reason: he was internally debating whether to categorize his library by author or by title.
** After The Baron finds out Guillermo is the one who exposed him to sunlight, he gets up and [[EvilIsHammy viciously denounces the vampires]] [[TheReasonYouSuckSpeech at Laszlo's roast for going soft]]. He explicitly notes they've gotten so soft they even invited a human to this event in the form of Sean...only to backtrack and acknowledge that [[OddFriendship he also likes Sean and is fine with him being there]].

* "Exit Interview"

** Despite Guillermo trying to lay low in hiding from the wrath of Nandor after the last episode, practically ''everyone'' finds out his location. Originally it's just Derek, but the documentary crew finds him quickly, Derek tells Nadja where Guillermo is and from there Colin, Laszlo and The Guide all come by. By the time The Guide shows up, Guillermo is thoroughly exasperated.

*** The Guide brings the hybrid "children" with her and notes that she told them that Guillermo was [[DogSentToAFarm going away to a nice farmfarm]] rather than telling them that Nandor is most likely going to kill him. One of the hybrids asks if they can go with him..
** The title comes from [[TheBore Colin Robinson]] attempting to give one to Guillermo after [[PetTheDog wishing him luck in avoiding Nandor's wrath]]. The interview lasts all of three seconds before Guillermo gives up-namely because Colin's first question is about how satisfied with pay Guillermo was and then when Guillermo points out he didn't get paid, Colin asks if he thinks they can get away with not paying the next familiar.
** An enraged Nandor is hunting for Guillermo and stakes out the one place he knows Guillermo will return: Panera Bread. After attacking a bystander who turns out to be none other than Patton Oswalt, Nandor learns there's more than one Panera Bread. But when he "befriends" Patton Oswalt to tell him about his issues, Patton tries to get him to forgive Guillermo. Nandor, furious that someone would side against him after his "tale of deceit and betrayal," declares that "all who betray me must be destroyed!" and kicks Patton off the roof. Only to realize that losing a friend feels bad and decides to forgive Guillermo anyway. Patton Oswalt, your sacrifice was not in vain!