Funny / Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines

Malkavian vs public infrastructure. The sign seems to be winning.

For such a serious game, Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines has a lot of hilarious moments.

Malkavian Playthrough

• The Malkavian player character is the source for 90% of the game's humor.
  • The Malkavian conversation with a stop sign. "No, you stop!"
    • "You've made a powerful enemy today, sign!"
  • The best moment for the Malkavian player character option is probably listening to the various television sets' news reports. If you've played the game on normal mode, you may be surprised to hear the newscaster suddenly start addressing you or talking like a Looney Tunes character in his usual deadpan Ted Baxter-esque voice.
    Anchor: [about the hunters taking Johansen] Police officials have gone on record as saying "Don't worry, that crazy bastard will save him."
    Anchor: Los Angeles citizens were left shocked today following a vicious gun battle between the LAPD...and you. They were all like, "BANG! BANG! Ya filthy varment!", and you were all like "POW! POW! Oooh, you wascaly wabbit! You got me!"
    Anchor: [about the thugs killed in the Surfside Diner] Police say that vigilantism will not be tolerated, and that they know it was you.
    Anchor: [about the deaths of Dennis and his gang] They suspect this may be the work of vampires and— hey, have you seen any vampires around here?
    Anchor: [about the warehouse explosion] Police don't have any suspects at this time, but they're pretty sure the source of the explosion came from you.
    Anchor: An official statement issued by the president says that he can do whatever he wants. Who do you think put him there?
  • When the injured Mercurio figures out what you are, he gets horrified of the thought of bleeding to death while not understanding what his rescuer is saying.
  • The fact that most Kindred seem seriously annoyed that they have to deal with a Malkavian. Bertram's response is a classic example:
    Oh shit. A Malkavian. I suppose I'll figure out what the hell you're talking about in a month or so. Man, I hate talking to you guys! I always feel like I'm getting an answer to a question I haven't even asked yet. Oh well.
  • LaCroix's "uh-huh" reaction when you give him the bullet point summary of all the horrible things you've encountered in Santa Monica like ghosts, Thin-Bloods, serial killers, and worse.
    [In a 'I'm-talking-to-a-five-year-old' voice] Yes, yes. I'm sure it was quite an experience.
  • Venus' reaction to your "confession" ("When the Dream Creature waves, sometimes I wave back!") is pretty similar, and arguably even funnier:
    Aaaah, Dream Creature, hmmmm? O-kay, somebody's circulating the bad candy again, I see. But that's alright! No sense, no fear, right?
  • The abuses for Dementation are just horrible (and horribly funny). While some, like making Chunk feel worthless are kinda sad, most of them are just plain awesome.
  • Two such examples take place in Hollywood. How do you get that loud and obnoxious critic to write a bad review for a restaurant? Get him to think he's eating maggots! How to get Samantha off your back when she recognizes you? Make her think you're her pet turtle that she flushed down the toilet long ago!
    Samantha: What's it like being a turtle?
    PC: It's like being a walking house that eats lettuce.
  • There's another great moment of Video Game Cruelty Potential that is also just damn HILARIOUS. When Heather the Ghoul brings home a guy, you can cause him to go to the police and shout "I have a gun, piggies!" It causes a loss of humanity but it's tempting given the guy threatened your sweet but bugnuts servant.
  • You can also deal with Milligan (the TV host in Pisha's lair) by making him fall in love with the moon!
    Milligan: The moon... Yes, yes, the moon! (starting to laugh) I have to catch the moon! I must hold her, I must hold her in my arms... I must tell her how much I adore her glow, her glow! Out of my way! The moon!
  • How do you get past Officer Chunk? Make him realize that his life is a joke. You can also make him think you're a key-chain, or get him to go to The Asylum and dance the night away. It's less mean, and a lot funnier.
  • The Malkavian ability to know secrets no one else should know allows you to screw with people in some truly hilarious ways. Ming Xiao is a perfect example as she waxes on and on about how Cainites are inferior. However, you can call her on her Fantastic Racism by mentioning the Yama Kings, the demonic Hell gods that are always threatening to eat Kuei-jin souls.
    • Not to mention when you instinctively know Velvet Velour's real name.
      Velvet: There is only one part of me I don't want anyone inside. My mind.
  • Just about all of the Malkavian quotes.
    • "Do you rage against the machine?"
    • "I'm a mighty thesaurus! Rawr!"
    • "I will invade this orifice."
  • Heather the ghoul is sweet, adorable and eager to please and, if the player character is a Malkavian...absolutely nuts. The part where she went fishing and brought her catch home for you because you might like to dine in is priceless, as is the mild horror of the Malkavian at having a breach of the Masquerade in their bathroom. "You stay. Sit. Be good."
    Heather: I went fishing today... and I caught a big one. Can you hear him flopping around the bathroom? That's how you can tell he's fresh.
    Malkavian: No no no no no... fish travel in schools!
    Heather: You don't like fish? I thought it would be nice if you ate home, for a change...
  • Making the Vandal Cleaver go Laughing Mad after having denied you any future blood. After spending several dialogue options just laughing his ass off, he soundly recovers and asks the player what the hell they were talking about, after which the player will be able to buy blood from the guy like nothing ever happened in the first place.
    PC: HA HA HA...
    Vandal: Heh heh... hm, hm, mmm, hngh, hee hee hee...
    PC: A HA HA HA HA...
    Vandal: A HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA! HO HO HO Hoo.... AH! AH! Ha...hoo..ho ho.. haa... Oh, ho ho, ha.... What were we laughing about?
    PC: The price of the red nectar you were about to sell me.
  • Before you stab LaCroix with his letter opener: "Give you a massive chest wound? My pleasure!"
  • In the same line as the Stop Sign conversation, there's also the scene in which you can talk to the news anchor inside the TV and tell a few jokes with each other.
  • When you first meet the bail bondsman Arthur Killpatrick in Santa Monica: "Are you the keymaster?"
    • If you then get the info from Killpatrick that Trip sells weapons, the Malkavian will actually still refer to him as the Keymaster when asked who told him about that. Resulting in this reaction from Trip:
      Trip: "The keymaster"?! What have you been smoking? And more importantly, where can I get some?
  • A lot of people seem to conclude the Malkavian PC is on drugs. Fat Larry will immediately assume you've come to his shop to buy crack the moment a sentence comes out of your mouth.
  Fat Larry: Believe me, I don't have to see the freeze dried ice cream to know a space cadet when I see one!
  • When you have to tell the three Russian mobsters in the Empire Arms Hostel parking lot that Venus won't pay her debt this time, one of the lines consists of using Dementation to convince their leader that he is a hungry bear and his friends are salmon. Doing so results in the leader attacking his own friends, thus sparing you the pain to fight them as they kill each other.
  • When you meet Beckett in the museum basement he'll eventually ask for your opinion on why vampires exist. A Malkavian can give the response: "We exist because the jellyfish wills it so. WHY ELSE?" Beckett will react to this simply with a deadpan "Can't say I've heard that one before."^note It's less funny when you realize he's referring to a Lovecraftian Eldritch Abomination.
  • Another Malkavian option is to respond "Don't you get it? We're a JOKE!" before laughing madly. Beckett gives the same bemused response.
  • The fact the Malkavian PC is somehow convinced Boris is the Tzar and Grünfeld Bach the Pope.
  • The Malk PC reporting back to LaCroix getting back from the museum and finding that the sarcophagus was stolen: "But there were dinosaurs, so I had fun!"
  • Players who have already finished the game will enjoy the Malkavian speaking to Rosa, the Malkavian thin-blood, as they give away plot points freely. When Rosa frets about what will happen when the sarcophagus is opened, the Malk will get excited and say, "Yes! The night sky will shine bright!" It's doubly funny if the Malk sides with Lacroix, proving that just because the Malk can see the future, they're too crazy to pay attention to its warnings.
    • Or crazy enough to not actually mind.
  • If an Malk PC agrees to work as a spy for the Anarchs, one of the things they can report to Damsel is that there's a rumour that LaCroix has an interest in field hockey players—which is an observation that comes from seemingly nowhere and might be entirely made up. Even funnier: Damsel accepts it without question as though it's actually useful intel and thanks them for it.
    • It gets even better if you know how the Ventrue clan weakness actually works in the tabletop game (being able to feed only on a particular kind of mortal), making it possible that LaCroix does, in fact, have a preference for athletes.
  • The first time a Malk PC uses "Jester" to refer to LaCroix in front of Bertram, he'll crack up but warn them that saying so in front of the man himself wouldn't be smart.
    • It's arguably even funnier when the Malk uses it with anyone else, as all of them will know instantly without having to clarify who the Malk means by "Jester Prince".
  • When first meeting Jeanette, she'll react with genuine glee upon hearing how loopy the Malkavian PC is.
  • The Malkavian's dialogue with with Nines in Griffith park is absolute gold.
    • When Nines questions how serious LaCroix is about the alliance:
      PC: He wants it so bad he's already started printing commemorative t-shirts.
    • One of their suggestions for dealing with the werewolves:
      PC: I have a plan! We dress up like werewolves and tell them 'they went that way!'
    • And don't think that just because Nines didn't go for it that the Malk has given up on that plan.
      PC: Nobody back here, just us werewolves... just practicing.
  • When the Malkavian first meets Damsel and calls her by name before she's actually introduced herself, she'll demand to know who among the Camarilla was "talking shit" about her.
  • Overhearing the Red Dragon's Hostess's ordinary and boring conversations as a Malkavian usually results in them being replaced by a stream of Blah, Blah, Blah, but there are exceptions:
    Hostess: Hey, Andrea! Uh-huh? What? The Dark Father returns? No, he's not! No, he's not! No, he is not! Hold on, Andrea, I've got another call. Hey, Serena, did you hear about-? Yeah, he is! Yes, he is! Yes, he totally is! I know! I was just on the phone with Andrea, and I was all "No, he's not!" Yes, he is!
    • There's another conversation in which she shows a huge Lack of Empathy to a coworker who needs some time off for a funeral, but playing as a Malkavian shows that she's well aware of it and is a petty bitch Beneath the Mask:
    Hostess: (normal version) Yeah? Oh, hi, Milla, what do you want? ...I'm sorry, I've got plans, I can't cover your shift tomorrow. So, what's the emergency? Well... it's not like it was sudden, I mean, he's been on life support for a long time. Funerals are usually over by five, okay? When did you ever cover my shift? But that WAS an emergency, Milla! It was a REALLY bad haircut, okay? ...Fine, I'll do it. Goodbye.
    Hostess: (Malkavian version) Yeah? Oh, hi, Milla, I hate you. I hate you for so many reasons, I don't even know where to begin. I have no sympathy towards your tragedy at all, mostly because, well, you're smarter and more attractive than me, okay? Oh, and you're a kiss-ass. So what if you helped me out, I've been wishing you'd get hit by a car for weeks. Fine, I'll do it. Goodbye.
• Combined with Video Game Cruelty Potential, any vampire character can convince one of the Thin-Bloods that he needs a holy stake and unicorn blood to become human again. You can also send him to his senseless death by telling him he needs to kill Prince LaCroix, Nines Rodriguez, or the President of the United States. Why? Because they're the head vampire.
  Malkavian PC: Hail to the Chief! The President is a bloodsucker!
  • If you send him after the Prince, you can later see the poor dope's blasted skeleton lying on the floor near the Sheriff at the top of Venture Tower.

Other Instances

• Another funny moment comes right at the end of a Ventrue playthrough, after talking with the Cabbie who may be Caine himself, the Fledgling can completely miss the hint and say:
  Ventrue Fledgling: Here's ten bucks. Get yourself a new air freshener. Bye.
  • Or even funnier, and perhaps more badass of them, they got the hint and opted to be a Deadpan Snarker instead.
  • For bonus points, the player will actually hand over ten dollars if they have it. One can only imagine what Caine must be thinking as they leave.
• The fact that the PC can run around Los Angeles wielding a severed arm to beat people to death and no one calls them on it.
  • In a Doctor Seuss meets Superfly Pimp outfit or Stripperiffic Policewoman's uniform too potentially.
• From the opening cutscene at the theater, Velvet blowing a kiss—to Strauss, of all people. And his long-suffering reaction.
  • And the fact that she clearly, ah... just came from work. At the start of the scene, Lacroix does apologize for summoning everyone on short notice.
  • Keep in mind that Velvet is an Anarch, and Strauss is one of the highest-ranked of the local Camarilla. She probably couldn't resist the opportunity to mess with him.
• Throughout the game one can listen to a radio show where a woman takes calls from all sorts of people that tend to be oddballs. One of the more special guests though is Andrei the Tzimisce. After his rants about how the end of the world is coming, the radio host just brushes off his statement and continues with her show.
  • A frequent caller on said show is Gomez the Conspiracy Theorist. After spending the game babbling insane over the top theories involving cameras on traffic lights, secret moonbases and the Illuminati, his final call to the show is...a summary of the entire plot of the game.
  • In the tabletop World of Darkness, most of Gomez's theories are actually true. The Technocracy (a faction of the Mage splat) really has secret moonbases, sorta is the Illuminati and isn't above putting cameras into traffic lights.
  • Another less frequent caller is a stoner who thinks that pizza is the key to resolving The War on Terror. Even funnier is that you later actually get to see him in the Red Spot, staring at one of the aisles spouting off a bunch of stoner nonsense.
  I wonder how they microwaved burritos in the Middle Ages!
  They should like, combine pizza and nachos and call them pizznachios. Maaaaaan, I could go for some pizznachios right now!
  What if the world were all one big video game and we were all characters in it? Whooooooaaaa, that's like, deep, man!
• A more intellectual bit of humor is the fact that the entire game is one long Spanner in the Works joke. LaCroix sends you on a mission to die almost immediately after you're embraced. You survive because the Sabbat aren't at the warehouse at the time and then go on to pretty much survive every trap laid out for you. By the end, LaCroix's entire empire has unraveled because of your obstinate refusal to die when you're told.
• The way certain people react to a Nosferatu protagonist: Trip the pawnshop owner compliments you on your body-sculpting job, the stranded Blue-Blood can only mumble "Oh my...", Officer Chunk vomits in terror, Fat Larry nearly shits his pants and calls you a "crackhead, skin disease, test-tube baby-looking ass" Venus provides directions to the Corpse Fluid gig playing at Possession, the clerk at Red Spot tries not to mention your facial deformities and fails, the bartender at the Asylum nightclub thinks you're an actor for a movie, and a few people ask if you've been tortured. You can nonchalantly pass it off as a birth mark, a bad blender accident, or from getting into fights with people who ask about your face.
  • And the obnoxious critic? All you have to do to get him to leave in a puking fit is mention that you're a chef at the restaurant he's reviewing. Or, if you're in a really sadistic mood, ask him to check if the boil on your shoulder is still leaking.
  • When Fat Larry offers you the mission to get the briefcase in the parking lot, he says he could use a "halloween-lookin' S&M gremlin" like yourself. When you finish the mission he declares "You're hideous, but you're cool with me".
  • When you rescue Carson, he recoils in horror and thinks that you're another of Grimble's victims and that he "took off your face and put it back again all wrong".
  • The hostess at the Red Dragon can only stare at you in horror and utter "Oh my god..." for several speech panels until she finally calls for security. In the meantime, your Nosferatu character is trying to get information out of her and acting as if he or she doesn't know why the hostess is so horrified.
  • The cultist girl inside the Brotherhood of the Ninth Circle building will mistake you for Brother Kanker, one of the higher-ranking members of the cult. Quite apart from the girl's stammering awe and terror, what makes this even more hilarious is the fact that you killed Kanker to find the building in the first place. This also happens before you kill the guy too, when questioning the homeless people on the streets; because you have no way of disguising yourself with Obfuscate in the game, you're forced to scare the shit out of them. And yes, this results in your last informant, Tin Can Bill, having a heart attack while under the impression that Kanker has come back to eat him.
  • If you go to the Surfside Diner to try and find a lead on Lily, you can talk to the old lady at the counter. "Yeah, yeah, what'll it be... LORD! OH, SWEET JESUS!" You will only get out three words before she passes out from shock.
    • Alternatively, if the quest for Lily isn't active, you can either say "Booga-booga!", or even "I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!" if your humanity is low enough, in which case she will die from a heart attack. For a Nosferatu, looks CAN kill. Doing the latter will net you a loss of humanity, a masquerade violation, and the Southland Slasher butchering you if he happens to be in the diner at the time, but god damn if it isn't hilarious.
  • The girls at the bar will be horrified if you try to flirt with them. Some of the answers you can give are pretty funny.
  I've scared better looking girls than you.
  Wait! I like cuddling and long walks on the beach!
  It's what's inside what counts. I'm full of a yellowish-brown liquid.
  Wait, why are you running away? Oh, right, the ugliness.
  Come on! We'll keep the lights off!
  Once you go gross, nothing else comes close.
  But I have heart! Wanna see it?
  • Boris's bodyguard mistakes you for Baba Yaga of all people and immediately starts shooting at you. Made even funnier by the fact that Baba Yaga is the first of the Nosferatu and the Nictuku, also known by names such as Medusa the Gorgon and the Matriarch. She is one of the most powerful Methusalah's (4th or 5th Generation Demigod Vampires, elders of the Elder Vampires) that ever existed, up there with the likes of Nissuku, Enkidu, Tiamat, ur-Shulgi, Hazimel, Keminitri, Mithras, Moloch, Nergal, Azaneal, Odin, Montano, Boukephos and so on. The legends say that she, as a young woman, openly defied Absimilard, one of the most terrifying Antediluvians. Absimilard, infuriated, raped her and turned her to a vampire. Then, she became his executioner and concubine in following years. At some point after Absimilard got cursed by Caine, Baba Yaga finally broke her blood bond that tied her to Absimilard, all by herself, which is no small feat, and waged war on him. She won with the help of one of the Talons of the Wyrm, Koshchei the Deathless, and either drove him to torpor somewhere on Northern Russia, or caused him to flee deep into the Atlantic Sea. In endless spite, she sired the Nosferatu clan, knowing Absimilard, who was obssessed with his looks, wouldn't want to see a entire line of ugly bastards. During 90's, she woke up, and ruled Russia with a iron fist openly, gathering a army of supernatural creatures, swatting Garou septs like flies, ripping and tearing Masquerade apart with her claws until she was killed by one of the most powerful Nictuku that ever existed, Vasilisa. Sounds like a compliment, eh?
  • The retired hitman Ji Wen Ja offhandedly addresses you as "Hey, Ugly!" and goes into full Grumpy Old Man mode if you try to intimidate him for it:
    "What you do, break my other hip? Oh look! Is Mistah Senior Citizen Boxing Champ!"
  • The sight of you throws off the ex-military herbalist's No Indoor Voice delivery completely.
    "WELCOME TO TSENG'S HERBAL REMEDIES! I AM TSENG! HOW MAY I— Ughhhhh. Um... Tseng is not licensed to medical advice... but I don't think herbs will help your... uh... condition..."
• A bit of fridge hilarity here: When you ask Mercurio about Jeanette, he'll state that she has a "body built for bedrooms" and that he knows a number of people claim to experience in that field. This prompted him to ask LaCroix, who told him that Kindred can't and/or don't get any enjoyment from sex, at least for the most part. The funny part comes in when you realize that this basically means that LaCroix had to give Mercurio the vampire version of The Talk.
  • If you ask Mercurio about Jeanette while playing as a female PC, he'll hesitate, claiming that he doesn't like talking about that stuff with a lady. You can, in turn, threaten to kick him in the balls so he talks.
• Chunk. Female PC. Clueless admirer. "Security teddy bear", anyone? Half the comedy comes from the knowledge that if she could, your character would reach through the monitor and kill you for what you're putting her through.
• Alistair Grout's musings on the superstition of the Camarilla.
  "...their linguistic flourishes belie a faith in superstition over the providence of empirical reason that must be an all-pervasive theme in this society of darkest night...damn it all, now I'm doing it too."
  • Grout also complains about his Ghoul test subjects, most of whom are incredibly uncooperative due to being exposed to debilitating Malkavian blood and/or the finest in pre-freudian psychology techniques:
  "The one called John went so far as to gnaw off his arm and escape into the floorboards like some feral rodent. I still hear him scurrying about at night; he must be making an atrocious mess..."
• Many of the radio ads count, but the Insane Troll Logic heavy political ads really take the cake:
  
  Announcer: [sinister music] Last year, Democratic Candidate Micheal Rebbins has purchased a Sports Utility Vehicle. Three months later there have been two separate incidences of hit-and-runs by unidentified SUVs in his area. Is Democratic Candidate Micheal Rebbins to blame? Can you afford that chance? Can your children? [upbeat music] Vote Republican Senator Robert Thorne, a candidate who has never committed vehicular homicide!
  
  Announcer: [sinister music] Democratic Candidate Micheal Rebbins has never publicly stated his opinion on child pornography. Is it because he's hiding something? Would you want a child pornographer voting on this nation's laws? Would you trust your children's future to someone like that? [upbeat music] Vote Republican Senator Robert Thorne, who is committed to locking up child pornographers!
  
  Announcer: [sinister music] Democratic Candidate Micheal Rebbins recently sued Senator Robert Thorne for accusing Rebbins of being a murderous child pornographer. But Rebbins had previously said he was against clogging up courts with frivolous lawsuits. Wouldn't this make him a hypocrite? Would you want a hypocrite as your next Congressman? Would you want your children to become hypocrites? [upbeat music] Vote for Republican Senator Robert Thorne! A candidate not accused of being a murderous child pornographer!
  
  • The ad for the Troperiffic action movie counts, as well:
    In a World… where people live. . . and DIE "Do you think you can just go in there and handle this by yourself?" "If that's what it takes!" He was about to meet his greatest foe. "KILL THEM ALL! ALL OF THEM!" And a girl. "Hello." "Hi." And a comic relief sidekick who won't make it to Act III. "I picked the wrong month to cancel my life insurance."]l "No. Don't say that! You're gonna make it!" With the guy from that other movie that was slightly popular, and whatshername, from that show you sometimes watch. In a movie with two spectacular CGI battle sequences, an an advertising campaign that will leave you no choice but to see this film. See it, because it's a movie, and all your friends are going. In theaters Friday, and on DVD in three months.
• One of the more interesting weapons to use for a stealth kill in the game is the baseball bat - when your character uses it, the sound effect that plays afterwards is a crowd cheering.
  • You also get crowd cheers if you manage to pitch a severed head into a basketball hoop.
• Persuading Vandal to sell you blood by telling him a story of violence and death from your Multiple-Choice Past, and his reaction:
  That's some vile, depraved maniacal shit. You are sick, mother! Yeah, I'll sell you some blood.
• The drug dealer's introduction:
  Uh-huh, yeah, you look real good at me. Before we do business, before anything changes hands, I want you to hear this: if you try to cross me, I will fuck you. If you tell the cops about me, I will find you, then I will fuck you. And if you are a cop... I will fuck you and your whole family, includin' that squirrel in your front yard!
• Fat Larry's introduction:
  Playa, what's the score, how they hangin', good evening and all that commotion! Welcome to Fat Larry's Truck of Mack, the only store for all your needs after ten o'clock: I am the proprietor and salesman of the months several years in a row, the ladies call me "Oh God!" but you can call me Fat Larry with an F-A-T, cuz I know I got a weight problem an' I just don't give a fuck!
  • If the player character is female, however, Fat Larry's introduction has a slight variation: instead of saying "cuz I know I got a weight problem an' I just don't give a fuck!", he says "cuz there's mo' of me to love!"
  • His immediate response to a Malkavian is to insist he doesn't sell "that stuff" anymore. The Malkavian reply:
    Fine, no feast of Ben Franklins for the fatman tonight.
  • Also a response to a Malkavian, he makes a comment about how he doesn't need to see the freeze-dried ice cream to know a space cadet when he sees one.
  • Larry's ambient lines has him asking passerbys if he looks like Dionne Warwick or that he sells a Galapagos turtle or... David Duchovny's sink, "signed, sealed and certified!".
• If you initially refuse to cooperate in the Fu Syndicate while playing as a Malkavian, the voices actually say "You're in for it now..."
  • Also, when Ming Xiao offers you tea, the voices say "Try the free arsenic..."
• Said by the player character right after helping a Japanese demon-hunter dressed like a schoolgirl to slay a Japanese Shark Man:
  Wow... bet you're glad that thing didn't have tentacles, huh?
  • Yukie will later help you storm the Golden Temple in the Unofficial Patch, but won't accompany you inside, where Ming-Xiao turns into a tentacle monster. Tempting Fate and Hilarious in Hindsight much?
• The museum mission briefing adds this little gem if you're playing a low-Humanity character:
  LaCroix: (...) And no killing.
  Player Character: What, none?
  LaCroix: None.
• One of the 'sins' you can confess to Venus is 'voted Republican'. She sarcastically notes that she's not sure what she can do to wash away that sin.
• Just about anytime Beckett speaks. It is amazing how he manages to make every line sound sarcastic, even when he clearly didn't mean to.
  • And there are many intentionally sarcastic remarks that're truly funny:
    PC: (about Johansen's whereabouts) And you worked all that out by sniffing around?
    Beckett: Actually, there were two hunters on the roof of the building opposite the hotel who were positively delighted to tell me everything they knew -- provided I stop dangling them headfirst over the side.
  • About what's in the sarcophagus:
    Beckett: ...And I suspect most Kindred in this city would love to sink their stakes or teeth into its imagined occupant. If indeed rocketing it to the moon was out of the question.
    • Another golden exchange from later in the same conversation:
    PC: Do you think this sarcophagus is part of Gehenna?
    Beckett: Well, if we open it up and the world ends, then yes. If we open it up and the world does not end, then no. I'd wager the latter.
  • Another amusing option during the conversation. Notable in that it's available to any clan and it's one of the very few times Beckett cannot think of something sarcastic to say.
    Beckett: Fortunately I know someone who is an expert in this field.
    PC: That guy on the History Network with the pith helmet? He made learning fun!
    Beckett: Uh... no.
  • Directly asking him what he thinks is in there:
    PC: What do you think's inside?
    Beckett: Put your ear to it — I'll shake it and you tell me what you think's inside.
  • A Malkavian PC suggesting a way to open the sarcophagus:
    PC: 'TNT' and 'key' have the same amount of letters.
    Beckett: Ugh! Yes, how foolish of me, that would be the sound, reasonable course of action. A priceless piece of history — by all means run out and pick up some TNT.
    • What's even funnier is that speaking to Rosa proves the Malk knows the sarcophagus is full of TNT, and is actually telling Beckett what's inside.
    • The Malk can even get close enough telling Jack about that secret: Jack'll chuckle that if the Malk actually knew half about what they were babbling about, Jack would dust them on the spot.
• A lot of dialogue that one can listen in on at the Santa Monica Beachhouse.
  (if the player turns off the power) Al: Dude, who the hell turned off the power? I was about to unlock Sheng Long!
• Sneaking into the Santa Monica warehouse lets you listen in on this little conversation:
  First Guy: I'm hungry, let's order a pizza.
  Second Guy: Order a pizza, ORDER A PIZZA? Where they gonna deliver it, numbnuts? Thirteen abandoned warehouse full of kill on sight hot heads way?
• The Anarch and independent endings, provided you kept your Humanity up. Karmic retribution on LaCroix? Good. Karmic retribution that gives him just enough time to watch his aspirations turn to ash before blowing him sky-high without you having to lift a finger? Better. Karmic retribution that you realize has been set up before the plot started, has spent the plot getting to its rightful recipient, and comes complete with a send-off note with a smiley face on it that makes LaCroix crow like a madman? Hilarious. Even better if playing Independent Ventrue, giving Nines the finger after his grumbling about you being a Camarilla suckup.
• Playing a low-Humanity vamp during the plaguebearers quest in downtown LA. A high-Humanity PC will react with shock and disgust at seeing how brutally the Brotherhood of the Ninth Circle treats humans. But drop your Humanity below 5— and the PC actually tries to repeatedly join the Brotherhood. It's made even funnier when you fight your way to Bishop Vick, and the PC asks "So are you the guy I need to talk to if I want to join up?"
• One of the callers on the Deb of Night radio show is a wannabe screenwriter (who has never actually written anything) who pitches his idea for a screenplay about an FBI agent trying to track down a serial killer, only to discover that he is the killer. Cliché Storm doesn't even begin to describe it.
  • Another caller dials Deb whilst thoroughly stoned. Deb's poker face response is on point.
    Stone caller: You know all those problems we've been having in the Mid-East?
    The Deb of Night: (laughing) Ah, yes, those damn Virginians.
• A male Toreador can resolve the Samantha situation by pointing out that you look almost identical to a fourth of the NPCs in Hollywood.
  • This can be seen as a bit of a forth-wall break as well, as a pallet-swap of the character model for the male Toreador is used as a generic NPC.
  • One of the Malkavian's lines in the same conversation mentions "feeling generic".
• In one sidequest, Velvet Velour describes an aspiring screenwriter scripting a horror film about secret societies and creatures dealing with inner beasts and persecution by elder monsters before asking if it reminds you of anything. Aside from the obviously correct answer, you can also say "He's writing a movie about the Bush administration?", They're making another Share Bears movie?" and "A movie about the game industry? He stole my idea!"
• The blue-screen message on the computer controlling access to the Warrens.
  A fatal error occurred, you should be panicking. 09.31.2004.
  Your system will now explode. It is now safe to go to your happy place.
  * Press the any key to help others learn how to read.
  * Press CTRL + CTRL + CTRL to donate money to me, you know the computers will soon take over, why fight it?
  Press the any key to continue.
  • For added Fan Bonus, 09.31.2004 is the date when the "Old World of Darkness"-setting canonically ended in its original run.
• If you sneak around the Elizabeth Dane and eavesdrop on the cops, you'll hear some of them talking about the symbols written in blood around the sarcophagus. They will go over various possibilities - occultism, gang symbols, pirate signs - until one of them provides a completely mundane, but hilarious explanation. Oh, Jack, you're such a troll.
  Cop#1: It's a bunny.
  Cop#2: A what?
  Cop#1: A bunny.
• If you say to Yukie that you aren't a demon she tells you to go to a hospital because your heart has stopped beating.
• Just before the boss fight with Bach in the cave, you can boast that you'll enjoy draining him to the last drop. Bach then responds in turn that gluttony is a sin.
• The stealth kill for the fire axe and the sledgehammer is giving a powerful sideways swing straight to your target's head. Even though it sends them flying through the air, trailing blood as they go, it's still silent. The bush hook's stealth kill hooks the victim by the neck, hoists them up, and then slams them on the ground. Again, still silent.
• One of the sidequests for Gary involves him asking you for specific items (a video tape of one of his old movies, a Nosferatu picture owned by Haunted LA...) and exchanging them for naughty posters of various female characters in the game to decorate your haven with. The first and second ones are posters of Jeanette and Velvet, and the third one is... Ming Xiao.
  Gary: I got a picture of this Kuei-Jin through security camera. It would have been wrong to turn it into a dirty poster using photoshop. So I did it.
  • A later poster he promised is described as representing a lovely woman "you won't look in the eyes". When you actually get said poster, it turns out to represent a woman who is literally eyeless.
• If you choose the right dialogue options, you can get this exchange with Venus when she sends you to kill Boris:
  PC: What's the catch?
  Venus: Boris is high-ranked in the Russian Mafia. Is that a problem?
  PC: I didn't think it would be that easy.
• Jack's political 'discussions' and his viewpoints on most things are usually hilariously crude and/or to the point. Especially the one given to the Society of Leopold:
  Jack: Ah yes, holy vampire hunters. "STAKIN' FER JESUS!"
  • Even better is his opinion of the Sabbat, which he compares to fake zombie tits: fun to watch, but serves no real purpose.
  • Jack also gives all young vampires some very sound advice, in his trademark fashion:
    Jack: (in regards to the Masquerade) We're livin' in the age of camera cell-phones, fuck-ups ain't tolerated.
• If you manage to hack the mails on Milligan's computer, you can find two mails. One of them is from an angry viewer who rightfully calls out Haunted LA for being a hoax... except the one example he lists (their episode stating there is a werewolf in Griffith Park) turns out to actually be true later on in the game.
  • It gets even better - if you check the 'future shows' folder, you can learn that their next show after the old hospital was going to be the same graveyard in Hollywood that you end up going to on behalf of Isaac. You know, the one where there is a small-scale Zombie Apocalypse...
  • And to put icing on the cake, the mail ends with the angry viewer wishing Milligan and his crew to get "devoured by a carnivorous monster". Boy did he get his wish...
• Asking Rosa (the thin-blooded Malkavian) if she knows who stole your bike in fifth grade causes her to remind you that she sees the future, not the past.
  • If you ask her if you'll win in the end she tells you it doesn't matter if you beat the game, just if you bought it.
• Patty is designed to be extremely annoying. If you're feeling sadistic, there's a certain level of satisfaction from sending her to Pisha. Talk to Pisha afterward, and she'll comment that it's the first time she's had a meal delivered.
• The various anti-pickup lines made by the potential Blood Dolls are comedy gold.
  "Come here, I wanna whisper something in your ear - FUCK OFF!"
  "If you were the last person on earth, I'd reconsider my views on bestiality."
  "Even if my pants were on fire, I would NOT take them off in front of you."
  "Are you undressing me with your eyes? Got a picture in your head? Good, that's as close as you're ever gonna come to seeing me naked."
  "I'm not gay, but I'm willing to learn."
  "Ooh, you're the type of man every woman wants... to get hit by a train!"
  "As much as I'd love to ride around in your short bus, I think I'll take a cab home."
  "Okay, let me just pick up some protection.... A couple of cans of pepper spray should do the trick."
  "(Imitation sex noises) Sound familiar? Yeah, I didn't think so."
  "Try back in fifty years. Maybe I'll be blind and senile enough to say "yes."
• When Heather comes back to you after you saved her life and begs you to let her help, one of the dialogue options to try and drive her away is to threaten to spank her. This backfires when she turns out to be very enthusiastic about the prospect.
• You bug Imalia's former rival's flat for her to get some blackmail material. Next night Imalia publishes recording of especially depraved orgy. With a llama.
• While fighting your way through the final Sabbat hideout in Hallowbrook Hotel, you'll enter a part of the level where the mooks begin actively smashing through walls to get to you. The first one you encounter will play a hilarious, tension-cutting "Oh Yeah!" voice clip as he smashes through the wall. This is, of course, a Shoutout to the well-remembered and often-riffed 90's Koolaid ads that featured the Koolaid man bursting through walls while shouting the iconic line.
• In Chinatown, there's an old man who will give you your fortune for five bucks. Some of them are brilliant:
  Fortune Teller: You will have visitor next week... don't open door! (Beat) It Jehovah Witness! They so annoying!
• During his intro scene, if you tell Nines you could have taken your Sabbat attackers instead of thanking him, he offers to call them back for you. You can, in turn, immediately backpedal or double-down on your claim.
• Some of the sass the fledgling can throw at LaCroix after he calls the blood hunt on Nines and dramatically laments how making hard decisions and being a "strong leader" will make him look like a bad guy.
  PC: Maybe if you made a good decision for once...
  PC: Okay, I'll play along. Whatever is this about?
  • The Malkavian PC can outright applaud him for the melodramatic performance.
• Some of the back-and-forth a Toreador PC can have with Bertram is gold:
  Bertram: ...Now if only they'd get off their slimy asses and put their talent to use besides feeding their egos.
  Toreador PC: Astute observation made from the safety of a rat hole.
  Bertram: Save it Don Juan/Cleopatra, your silver tongue might tarnish licking this hide.
• One of the sign-offs you can use while speaking to Gary on the phone after saving Barabus:
  PC: Goodbye, you walking hemorrhoid.
• Literally every time you leave dialogue with Damsel, she'll be muttering vaguely and vitriolically about the Camarilla.
• When interacting with Romero:
  • When first meeting him, he'll nearly shoot you because he's too used to his only company being zombies. If you're a Nosferatu, he'll point out that he's quite justified in mistaking you for one.
  • He considers one of the perks of his job to be the fact that most of the zombies he shoots used to be asshole celebrities.
  • If you slept with him to complete his quest, near the end of the game he'll send you an email letting you down easy and requesting that the two of you keep things professional, apparently having come to the rather random conclusion that the one-night stand lead to the PC falling in love with him. He, of course, also makes it clear that he's still open to messing around.
• Andrei's mansion is a disgusting and horrifying place, but it's amusing to see how clean his fridge, stove and sink are compared to the rest. He even has a soap bar in his bathroom, showing he at least has a sense of personal hygiene.
• The Raptor statue in the museum is a guaranteed Jump Scare at first, but it gets amusing once you learn that it was intentionally placed there as a prank by a museum employee.
• On a meta level: Despite how the game takes place entirely within a major US city, you will see very little actual traffic on the streets. The Gamespot review for the game noted this oddity, stating "To some, a Los Angeles without cars may seem far less likely than vampires actually existing."
• Telling Damsel that Strauss blames the Anarchs for the plague causes her to go on a rant and promise that if Nines wasn't asking her otherwise she'd go over and 'rip a new wizard's chute' out of that "magic missile-casting motherfucker".
• Putting in requests for weapons from Mercurio will eventually unlock a dialogue option where the player asks him for a nuke. Without missing a beat, he replies that you'd have to be insane to want one of those, which is why the guys in Washington have them.
• The cutscene where a Sabbat gang apprehends you is pretty tense, until the ringleader, right out of the blue, breaks the fourth wall by looking at the screen saying "Those of you sitting in the first few rows will get wet!"

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