Funny / Vampire: The Masquerade

• A botched roll can be this (or a huge Oh, Crap! moment), depending on the GM. Options include, but are not limited to, accidentally hitting yourself in the face, biting a street lamp, coming to the conclusion that furry four-legged animal is a caterpillar...
  Player: So, I've figured out I'm either a vampire or a ghost, and now know that I drink blood, have no reflection, and would be burned by sunlight, so I'm trying to figure out which one I am. [botches the roll]
  GM: [deadpan] You're a werewolf.
• There is definitely amusing simplicity in the fact that there is only one listed rule for fighting Caine: "You lose."
• The 2017 supplement Beckett's Jyhad Diary might be one of the funniest things ever published for Vampire, if only for Beckett's dry wit in his narration. Every time he writes that he doesn't anticipate trouble, something immediately explodes.
  • The Malkavian prince of Birmingham, Alabama has a derangement where he treats the world around him as if it's a somewhat uninteresting television show. On a couple of different occasions, he sends Beckett "screenplays" that are dramatically embellished versions of conversations that the Malkavian was not privy to, one of which argues that Beckett's rivalry with Jan Pieterzoon is driven largely by homoeroticism.
  • The last chapter has Beckett acquiring the Sword of Nul (which has a demon bound into it) at a private auction. He's swiftly told that Dylan Bruce (an infernalist on the Red List) is looking for it, so he should get rid of it. He then spends the rest of the chapter telling everyone he dumped it in the Mediterranean. At random. No matter what else is going on.
    • This then, of course, leads to Bruce showing up in the middle of the big climax, wondering where the hell his sword is.
• The first-edition Malkavian clanbook, particularly the section discussing their views on other clans; when the time comes to describe Malkavian views on the Toreador clan, however, the narrator abruptly bursts into song - specifically to the tune of the Toreador March from Carmen!
  Toreador, go bathroom on the floor-o! Toreador! Toreador! Sorry, just had to get that out of my system...
• The narrator's description of the Followers of Set in the revised edition of Clanbook: Ravnos: "This clan must have stepped out of a bad fantasy pulp." "Okay, we're all dead and we worship an evil snake god! 'Cause he has snakes!" At this point, one almost expected the Giovanni entry to start off with "Shut your *** ing face, uncle *** ..."
  • Quite a bit of the Ravnos clanbook was snarking at the others. Comes of being a clan of jokers to start with and then having little left to lose after the Week of Nightmares.
• The Toreador's thoughts on the other clans in Vampire: The Masquerade 20th Anniversary Edition:
  [about the Followers of Set] Worms breed in their vile footprints.
  [about the Gangrel] Beauty and the Beast, only without the complication of Beauty. Pity them.
  [about the Giovanni] Which is more unctuous: their smiles or their hair?
  [about the Lasombra] If I looked like they do, I’d hide in the dark, too.
  [about the Malkavians] The tedium of it all.
  [about the Nosferatu] They make a strong case for the Mark of Caine being a sickness.
  [about the Tremere] Aren’t they supposed to turn back into pumpkins at midnight?
  [about the Tzimisce] It is a poor artist who blames his tools, but that’s the only conceivable answer here.
  [about the Ventrue] Why are older brothers always such corpulent bullies?
• There's a Mental Flaw, "Stereotype", that makes you act as a camp vampire (accent, cape, the works). Stereotype returned in V20, but in addition to the typical Bela Lugosi homage, this flaw can now also cause you to want to cover your skin in body glitter.
• One of the clanbooks contains an anecdote about a Leatherface ^note  A Nosferatu subculture of Mad Artists Nosferatu who perform their killings in artistic manner who once stopped mid-murder because the lighting wasn't right.
• The revised Followers of Set clanbook has a Setite who's basically a small-business owner turned vampire. He was Embraced because his sire needed an account and hated ghouls, and after a hunter offed his sire decided to expand the business through mail-order. Imagine Ron Popeil as a vampire and you've basically got it. The guy sells miniature glow-in-the-dark Set statues.