Funny / Vampire Reviews

Vampire Vlogs

• In her vlog of Underworld: Awakening, starting to say her Catchphrase before realizing it's actually morning.
  • Her firm assertion that the third film in the franchise doesn't exist.
• In her review of The Moth Diaries, sulking that if she forces Chick and Nella to watch the movie, they'd probably leave her coffin in the sunlight.
• Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: "It wasn't good...but it was awesome!"

Interview With A Vampire

• Maven literally choking on her fake Vampire Vords accent.
• While introducing the film, her tent metaphor gets somewhat lost.
• "Four of the deepest words ever spoken. *beat* It brought sexy back."
• "Seriously, vampires are like, so hot right now."
• "I wish I had vampire roommates." Sadly, the Chick won't play along - and to add insult to injury, she swipes the wine.
• The ending, with the Chick demanding Maven - who is really Elisa just wanting to be gothic - stop freeloading and get a job.
• "I'm going to my coffin...as soon as I can afford one!"

Blade

• Elisa breaking character when her florid hand gestures hit the set dressing.
• Using Batman Forever, Steel and Batman & Robin as examples that killed the Superhero movie industry.
• "What brought us from this [shows Schwarzenegger as Dr. Freeze in his slippers] to this [shows a grubby Hugh Jackman as Wolverine]?"
• Her smugness as she tells us that we have a Vampire movie to thank for the comic book movies we have today.
• The accusation that Marvel stopped publishing vampire comics in Elisa's birth year was a personal insult to her.
  Maven: In 1992, Marvel retconned the disappearance on Dr. Strange but it still stings! It still stings.
• The caption saying "don't blame that pun on me" when the Blade character got "revamped".
• She scoffs at Blade's handiwork with his sword. "Like that's hard." Cut to Elisa dressed all Matrix-y, trying to do it and failing epically. "Nobody saw that, right?"
• "Yeah, my name's Blade, and I just so happen to be holding a blade in case you're wondering why they call me that. It's not my iconic sword, but that wouldn't make sense so it's just my s-blade. It's a good thing I had this lying around when I got introduced, otherwise it would have been really awkward, cos I was holding a spatula before."
• Chick's Mind Screw cameo. Elisa calls her Lindsay like normal, Chick grumpily throws a toy duck at her and leaves because she hates being called "Chick" while not reviewing, Elisa looks confused.
• The Maven going into how Wesley Snipes insisted the role of Karen be played by a black woman so that they could get away with sexual tension, complaining about how Hollywood seems to have a thing about interracial romance... and then pining away for her forbidden love, Blacula.
• "I just created Garlic Time."

Vampire Parfum

• Poking fun at all the vampire merchandising around:
  "Around this time of year, you might be asking yourself what sort of holiday gifts could I get for the vampires in my life. What is something for the season that's perfect for someone who wants to be one with the creatures of the night. If you're really asking yourself these questions... you must be blind.
• "Like skulls? I do! Now you can have one with fangs!"
• Squeeing and hugging her cuddly vampire before looking guilty and throwing it away.
• Defensively telling the audience that she had the Nina perfume long before the Twilight perfume came out, she just... kept and didn't open it for a while because it smelled nice.
• Her defeated tone when she notices even Justin Bieber has a perfume out now.
• "And the Eau De Toilette is, well... this one is shaped like a tampon."
• The image of a chocolate vampire (with fangs) and the caption "I prefer the seductive nature of this kinda chocolate."
• Her OTT, gagging reaction to the perfume. "Okay, okay, that was unfair."
• When she smells citrus: "I- I've never seen a vampire eat an orange."
• The subtle You Bastard!: "It says vampire, so you'll buy it."
• Bemoaning that vampires aren't allowed to be horrifying monsters anymore, before showing normal-looking blonde girls which are actually a coven of vampires from the movie adaptation of Breaking Dawn with the caption "Yes, these are vampires. Can't you tell?.
• "When I think of how vampires should smell, oranges and flowers aren't really what come to my mind."
• "Vampires are dead. And so they should, logically speaking, smell like death."
• The fake commercial she imagines for the perfume, and Dan commenting "It smells like a corpse's ass!"
  • The funniest part from the fake commercial is when Voiceover!Maven suggests to Onscreen!Maven where to put the Eau De Toilette.
    Voiceover!Maven: (as Onscreen!Maven realizes exactly where she's supposed to put the Eau De Toilette) Now You've Got It.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer

• While she's holding a stake: "You get the point?"
• The Record Needle Scratch as the video confuses the TV Buffy with the film Buffy, the latter of which is the one she's reviewing.
• After a particular bimbo-ish line from Buffy and setting up the joke with a story about her bible studies group, Maven gleefully puts two thumbs up and says "AND JESUS APPROVES!"
• Her completely straight face when she says she's not kidding about Buff's version of Spidey sense being period cramps.
• Stuffing her mouth with two lollipops to make herself "doubly sexy".
• "She flips everywhere she goes! Seriously, what kind of person wouldn't just walk?" *shifty eyed expression*:
  • The Chick asks for the remote, Maven does some pointless flips to give it to her, Chick's deadpan expression doesn't change.
• Screaming at the Anne Rice Merrick. "Ahh, no! Not that Merrick!"
• "...Lothus. Lothus." *sings* "One of these things is not like the other!"
• Mocking how Lothus plays the electric violin without it even needing to be plugged in.
• Giving a Long List of the various Plot Holes of why Lothus is deciding to wake up now, a few being that the era of valley girls is just a little less decadent than the seventies or eighties, it wouldn't tempting to ancient evil and he should have already taken over the world.
• The Stinger, with her wishing her lollipops tasted like blood.

Underworld

• "The 2003 film Underverld. [normal voice] I mean, Underworld."
• Claiming that the origin of the vampires vs. werewolves idea is Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein.
• "Where's my Bat-phone?"
• "Call...the she-wolf." [A wolf howls.]
• Maven's sustained belief that Obscurus Lupa is a werewolf (and the Hypocritical Humor that results.)
  Lupa: Hey Lisa, what's up?
  Elisa: Sh! Call me Maven, as ze night envelops us!
  Lupa: ...okay...
• Lupa's lame comebacks, with more at the end.
• The montage mocking the gratuitous sound effects, which ends with the Maven staring at a bunny... and it moos.

From Dusk Til Dawn

• Knocking over a skull with her florid hand gestures and apologetically kissing it better. She's named it "Sparkles".
• Calling Showgirls an underrated art film, as a Call-Back to the Chick's desperate attempts to convince herself of that.
• Using duct tape as a sling (from her pained expression it doesn't seem to work), waxing her legs, cleaning a very confused Mignon and whitening her teeth right after.
  • "Maybe I could make a bigger snake out of duct tape..."
  • Returning to this gag later: "You can't blame him any more than you can blame a puppy for using all your duct tape."
• "Nooo, not the disco ball of death! Why did we install that again?"

Dark Shadows

• Maven trying to hypnotize the Chick into forgetting about Todd. Needless to say it doesn't work.
  Maven: Lind-say...
  Chick: [utterly unimpressed] I want you to pay your part of the reeeeeeent, I want you to stop disposing all your income on vampire shit and pay your part of the reeeeeent...
• Maven and the Chick roleplaying as Johnny Depp and Tim Burton respectively. Chick actually gets pretty into it until she accidentally knocks her beer bottle on Maven's head.
• The Stinger outtake, where Dan immediately pops up to try and get Chick to remember him.

I Am Legend

• The title card, with Maven staring at Will Smith with giant hearts in her eyes.
• It may have been a happy accident, but a hip-hop beat starting just as she ends her usual florid introduction.
• Like the Chick in Wild Wild West, Maven getting distracted by Will Smith's Shirtless Scene.
  Maven: Mmmmmm...uh, vampires!
• When talking about how the movie went with man as the source of the plague over nature (as in the original novel), the "Yes, MAN!" newsreel starts up. When the Maven shushes it, the narrator says, "Well... fuck you, then!"
• Team NChick's devotions for "Will Smith Month", and the return of the Chick's scrapbook/shrine. Also, the way she wants to have her cake and eat it:
  Chick: Give me that! Uh...this isn't mine. [cradles the book protectively]
  Maven: [distraught] Every time...
  • When Maven repeats the joke twice, a different person shows up each time to take the scrapbook away. First being Dan Roth, the second being Oancitizen.
• The way she looks so deeply unimpressed by the way-off-source ending of the movie.
• (Paraphrased) "But Maven, you say, these are clearly more like zombies! Where do you get off including this movie in your gimmicky little webshow?"

Vampire Wine

• Chick complaining to Dan about how people who like comic books should just grow up. Even funnier when you know she's got a Supergirl crossover with Linkara coming up.
• Maven [Elisa] gets her roommates to partake in Vampire wine in the hopes that they will turn into vampires. Instead, they all become fall down drunk. Highlights include:
  • After being talked into it (Dan: "Why do I help you with these things?"), and while Maven is trying to talk Lindsay into it, Dan is gesturing behind her that Maven is crazy.
  • Lindsay agrees because it's free booze. But before that, she stomps into the room, sees that Elisa is currently Maven on another silly scheme, and instantly turns to leave.
  • Nella pops up from behind Lindsay:
  Nella: Did someone say free booze?
  Dan: Yes. But we're drinking it to become vampires?
  Nella: I didn't hear anything after yes! *Eagerly pours a glass*
  Dan: *What have I got myself into? Look*
  • Crucifix test: Nella is not afraid, she just feels guilty. Later she crosses herself (seemingly out of habit) when she sees it.
  • Lindsay trying to seduce Todd (and get him to drink the wine too). He is completely blasé about it, instead yawning and playing with his phone. It is never explained how or why he is there.
  • Nella sees the garlic from the garlic test and decides to make garlic bread.
  • Bat test: Maven starts waving her arms frantically, everyone moves away from her and Lindsay takes away Maven's glass of wine.
    • She continues to flail until she falls out of her chair.
  Lindsay: I think she just bat herself. *The three laugh, and Lindsay tries to drink out of both her and Maven's glass at the same time.*
  • Stake test: Lucky for Lindsay, Nella [despite intoxication] moves quick.
  Nella: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What?! Calm your tits, Buffy!
  Maven: *Unintelligible* if she turns into dust.
  • Fang test 2: Maven checking for fangs in a compact before realizing she still has a reflection.
  • Nella randomly chewing on the rose.
  • Maven thinking that the wine worked because the sun is causing them pain when they wake up the next morning; Lindsay points out that they're hungover.
• Cape Fear wine:
  Maven: I found it when I went on vacation to Cape Fear! last weekend. [Shakes head in disappointment] It wasn't as creepy as it sounds.
• "Happy vampire things can come out of California! We just tend to end up in New York - like this wine!" [shifty eyes]

Count Chocula

• Maven's reaction over being in a hotel room instead of her usual lair.
• Maven pulling out and introducing her travel skull, Morty.
• Maven saying Nostalgia three times and The Nostalgia Critic suddenly appearing.
  Maven: Seriously, when I look at this stuff, I just can't help thinking nostalgia, nostalgia, nostalgia. *Nostalgia Critic appears* Ahh!
  Critic: Ahh!
  Maven: Ahh!
  Critic: Ahh! Wha-what? How did you do that?
  Maven: I don't know!
  • She then uses it to yank him back when he runs off with the cereal.
• An uncomfortable few minutes of the Critic ogling the cereal:
  Maven: Uh, do you want some-
  Critic: Yes!
• The camera spending several minutes on Maven and Critic (who predictably puts on his orgasm face) eating the cereal.
  Critic: This stuff is like crack!
  Maven: I know!
• Maven is discussing the popularity of Count Chocula, "I mean, who even likes the other two flavours?" The camera pulls out to show Critic wearing a sheet and stroking a box of Boo Berry. She looks betrayed.
  • "Frankenberry was the only strawberry flavoured cereal but you don't see anyone dressing up like a big, pink monster of ambiguous sexuality." Cue the hotel room door opening and Linkara entering ala Frankenstein (groaning and shuffling) in a pink hoodie. Neither the Critic nor Maven react to his entrance or even seem to realize he is there. When Critic claims that they made a pink cereal for girls, Franken!Linkara slumps in depression, turns around and walks out.
• Maven saying "Nostalgia" backwards three times, turning the Critic into a puppet of himself.
  Critic: Not again.
  • Followed by The Stinger:
  Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and this is The Muppet Show! Yaaaaaaay!

Dracula 2000

• Elisa's Fun T-Shirt collection. Specially the first, "My Boyfriend Is a Vampire" .
  What? So what if he lives in Canada? Our love is pure!
• Elisa summing up Dracula's appeal.
  Also, he's tortured.

Hotel Transylvania

• The ending:
  "I am ze Maven of ze Eventide, and if you start calling me Mavie-Wavy I will find out where you sleep and make you regret it. *smiles* Bye!"

30 Days of Night

• When Linkara wants to have a crossover with you, it's an offer you can't refuse.
• Enter Linkara! "Diiid someone say 'comic book'?" [strikes a pose, applause and cheering from off-camera.]
• "You fail at vampire! And wipe your face!"

The Top Ten Good Things about Twilight

• The very beginning of it, when Maven unsurprisingly tries to get out of this list by driving a stake through herself... only for her corset to prevent that.
• "Well, Halloween is coming up, so I guess something horrifying was bound to happen."
• Listing off the specific groups of Twilight haters as: (*deep breath*) vampire fans, book fans, film fans, feminists, Christians, non-Christians, parents, teachers, children, Republicans, Democrats, the Green Party (represented here as the Hulk in Uncle Sam get-up), cats, orangutans, the old man who sings for change on her subway commute, Your Mom, and "this guy."
• Just her struggling to find her first six reasons, half of which just relates to Twilight being a veritable target of mockery.
  • And once she does, she's just so happy that she rushes out to get a drink... only to return with a pout after realizing that this is supposed to be a full-length review "with depth and stuff." (It kind of implies that the Chick told her she'll have to shape up and do a proper video.)
  • "The Top Four Good Things about Twilight! Why only four? Because have some mercy!"
• Visually showcasing the popularity of the books by showing various cake versions of them, getting across that that is a lot of people buying books.
  "...And baking cakes."
• Her face when annoucing the first place "They sparkle", she gave good arguments but was obviously aware of how wrong it sounded.

Queen of the Damned

• Maven admires her black roses. "They're black! Like my soul nail polish."
• Maven goes after Todd in the Shadows for his opinion on vampires becoming rockstars during the 80s and the 2000s. Todd is stealing liquor, and baffled at the Maven's schtick.
• Maven, learning Todd will be alone on Valentine's Day, gifts him a black rose "to remind you of your bleak, lonely, forgotten shell of a heart."

Monster Mash

• Predictable but “what is better than a vampire? Thirteen vampires, but...!”
• On “Van Helsing”, I don't know anyone who's impressed by this movie, probably because it sucked”. It's the biting pronunciation on the last word that makes it funny.
• When listing the characters in the Rankin Bass special, putting little hearts around Dracula's name.
• Going to commercial break by cuddling a Phantom doll to get over her grief at him not being in the Rankin Bass special.
• The Maven's secret monster meeting with the weresnail, Todd in the Shadows and Mara Wilson.
  • And when Mara asks why Todd is there, Maven and the others all agree that he's just creepy and makes them uncomfortable.
• Maven does a Rage Quit on Moarte once he says that he likes werewolves.
• After expressing disgust at seeing the Phantom of the Opera replaced with The Mummy, Maven states that she had to "take revenge on that toilet-paper covered freak". Cue (Elisa's husband) Paw Dugan covered in toilet paper and asking "I still don't understand why am I doing this" before Elisa punches him.
• Nodding to her pregnancy cravings by asking someone to photoshop her monster mashing potatoes. “I would so eat that.”

Count von Count

• In beginning, where she says she'll discuss baby's first vampire, she mentions that some babies have more sophisticated tastes. Cut to her infant son Grey "reading" Interview with the Vampire.
• Her concern for the Count's obsession with counting, calling it institutionalizeable, and concluding that "countpires" are the Muppet equivalent of vampires.

Pumpktoberfest

• Episode 9:
  • Nella is dressed as a pirate and holds a coat hanger in her hand, pretending it's a Hook Hand. Maven eventually grabs it and throws it on the ground.
    Nella: Yaaarrr, use yer imagination!
  • Nella mentions she's dressed like a pirate and asks Maven if she's seen "that horrific pile of waste known as Cut Throat Island?" Just then, Brad Jones appears, claiming his one magic power is appearing once every year whenever someone says Cut Throat Island.
    Brad: It's a horrible gift! I was driving my friend to the hospital, he's probably dead!
    Maven: Well, I guess that's Halloween-y.
    Brad: And it's as good an excuse as any to drink!
  • Maven is fed up with Nella's pirate gimmick.
    Maven: Okay, I need to start drinking, right now.
    Brad: I'm way ahead of you. I'm shitfaced right now!
    Maven: While you were driving your friend to the hospital?
    Brad: Well, it was my fault he got injured, I hit him with the car. I just threw him in the trunk.
    Nella: Makes sense. I'm glad you're here.
    Brad: Practise responsible drinking! [gives a thumbs up to the camera]
  • Brad later contradicts himself by claiming he was at the movie theatre watching The Lone Ranger with Brian, who had a heart attack at how good the movie was, when he was summoned, then points out that movie was released a year earlier.
• Episode 10:
  • Nella introduces the third beer, an Imperial of 17.22% which was rather expensive. When she mentions the price, Lindsay, Brad and Todd suddenly show up with glasses.
• Episode 21:
  • Maven told Nella to wear something sexy and scary. So she dressed up as a nun (specifically an Irish nun), Sister Jesus Mary Joseph of Our Perpetual Guilt.
    Maven: I'll admit, this costume is scary. I am a bit terrified.
  • Lindsay is with them, claiming she drinks all their left over beer.
    Nella: You know, stealin', tis a sin, according to the church.
    Lindsay: It's not a sin, it's beer disposal.
    Nella: It is a sin, it's in there in the Ten Commandments there.
    Lindsay: It's like vodka, it goes bad if you don't drink it.
    Nella: That's also a lie, so now you're stealin' and you're lyin'.
  • Nella picks the beer.
    Nella: Because you've obviously been tempted, I think we should try The Devil's Pumpkin Ale. It's full of sin. And the sum of all that sin is you will burn in fire on Fire Island. And because the Catholic Church does say it's okay, we'll drink Evolution by Jacques Ah Lantern.
    Lindsay: But only since like a month ago, right?
    Nella: No, we've sort of been okay with it for a while, we just like to keep it on the down low.
  • Nella's thoughts on deer.
    Nella: I just want to point out the logo for the Fire Island Beer Company is a deer jumping over barrels because the deer are hella present on Fire Island, they are everywhere, they walk everywhere, they eat everything.
    Lindsay: Just on Long Island in general, right?
    Nella: Fire Island even worse. They're even moreso on Fire Island. And everyone's like "Ooooh, cute deer". No. Deer are not cute. There's nothing cute about deer.
    Maven: Deer are Nella's nemesis.
    Nella: Now I do not say this lightly about one of God's created beings, but deer can burn in fucking Hell for all I care. Fuck you deer.
  • The Fire Island beer isn't great, so Lindsay adds Captain Morgan spiced rum.
    Maven: I love Captain Mormon.
    Lindsay: I love Captain Mormon too, but what's really good? Captain Morgan.

Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines Let's Play

• In Part 8, Elisa struggles with opening a car trunk due to being too close, causing it to repeatedly open and then close again halfway through. Paw promptly provides dialogue for the "talking" car trunk.
• In Part 26, Elisa and Paw make fun of the Giovanni (who are led by vampires, but majority human) for their very un-Italian empty kitchen. It's a result of the game's design limitations, but still—have they left their mortal heritage so far behind?^note Well, yes.
• Elisa no-clips in and out of the character's apartment enough times that she skips the part of the game where the character's ghoul is killed by accident.
• Part 29: Elisa gets really offended by how strong World of Darkness werewolves are, compared to vampires. On the plus side, it gives her a chance to Squee over Nines when it turns out he survived the werewolf attack.

Straight Outta Fangton

• "The title combines a dated 80s pop culture reference, a vampire reference, and a vampire pun. Which—" pulls out a copy of the book. "—is about 50% of the book."
• "It is the vampiriest vampire book that ever vamped."
• Maven commenting on the fact the protagonist is an enormous nerd for researching everything possible about vampire-related media.
• Maven points out the vampire fans of the world got themselves turned into vampires when they came out then makes a "well, duh, of course we would" gesture.
• Maven congratulating herself on a spoiler-free review.

The Vampyre

• Since The Vampyre is in the public domain, Maven gifts us with a Dramatic Reading, complete with snarky commentary on the work's gender roles, and on Polidori's clear grudge against Lord Byron. And referring to it as "the vampire with a Y."

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