Funny / The Good Place Season 3

Everything Is Bonzer!

• In order to travel to Earth to save the humans' lives, Michael presents his papers to a dour-faced Doorman.
  Michael: So, how long's this trip take? Hope I don't get a middle seat. [snaps fingers and chuckles]
  Doorman: Wow. I haven't heard a joke in eight thousand years. And I still haven't.
  • The Doorman tells him that he won't have any powers on Earth; if he wants to get around he'll have to "take a bus or something."
    Michael: [delighted] A bus? [laughs] Oh, boy! Oh, man! I'm gonna sit in a front-facing seat, or, no, no, may-maybe a sideways-facing seat. I'm, I'm gonna get so motion-sick! Oh, man! What do I do, just grab the key here? [reaches for key]
    Doorman: Whoa whoa whoa! This key is made of the very first atoms that came into existence in the universe. It is one of a kind, and cannot be duplicated. See? [holds up key to display engraved words] "Do not duplicate". Only I touch this key.
    Michael: And, and what's the significance of the keychain?
    Doorman: Nothin'. I just like frogs. I'm a frog guy.
  • After saving them and returning, he gushes over the things he saw on Earth:
    Michael: It was incredible! The, the, the traffic? The pigeons! And I saw this place that was at once a Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell! I mean, oh! The mind reels! A Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell! [falsetto] Ah!
  • And in the ticker tape room with Janet:
    Michael: Oh, Janet, it was everything I ever imagined. I got to ride a bike. I put a coin in a thing and got a gumball. And then someone came up to me and said "Hot enough for ya?", and you know what I said? I said "Tell me about it." [laughs]
    Janet: Well, I am glad that you got to chew a gumball.
    Michael: Oh, damn. I didn't even think to chew it. Missed opportunity, shoot.
• Michael declares that, having saved their lives, now he and Janet can "just sit back and watch as they become better people." Immediately cut to Eleanor declaring that "Being good is for suckers," Chidi being near tears over deciding between muffin flavors, Tahani showing off her contacts to International Sophisticate Magazine, and Jason attempting to marry the cop who's arresting him. Particular highlights are these lines.
  • Michael and Janet inspect Chidi's tape with concern. Cut to Chidi at a stand whose sign declares it "We Crumb From a Land Down Under":
    Chidi: [audibly stifling tears] Okay. I've made my decision. I want to...start crying. [walks away, then heads in the opposite direction entirely, wailing]
    
    Interviewer: Wow, looking good! Okay, next question: Who would you say is the most famous person in your phone?
    Tahani: It's not about who you know; enlightenment comes from within. The Dalai Lama texted me that.
    
    Jason: K, will you make me the happiest man in the world and agree to be my wife?
    Ramirez: No. Do you think my name is the letter K?
    Jason: Just say yes! If we're married, legally you can't arrest me, plus, bonus, you get half the stuff I stole!
    Ramirez: [into her radio] Yeah, he just confessed to the robbery.
    Jason: Dammit!
• Michael decides to help the experiment along by inducing Eleanor and Chidi to meet.
  Michael: I'm just gonna nudge the two of them together. Just, nudgey-nudge-nudge.
  Janet: The Judge was pretty clear in her instructions, and the Judge is, you know, the Judge. Of, you know, the universe.
  Michael: She'll never find out. She spends all her time in her chambers, binging TV shows. She's watching all of NCIS right now.
  • To get past the Doorman, Michael claims that the Judge told him to use the same papers. Then he offers a distraction/bribe:
    Michael: Oh, yeah, I almost forgot, brought you a nice, hot cup of antimatter.
    Doorman: I usually only drink decaf antimatter.
    Michael: Ah.
    Doorman: Eh, I'll take it. It's only four-thirty; my shift doesn't end 'til nine billion.
    Michael: Ooh.
• The episode catches up to where the previous season left off, with Eleanor asking Chidi if they can talk; she convinces him to help her despite being a self-proclaimed trashbag, while Chidi reveals he speaks English, French, German, Greek, and Latin just in case it ever comes back.
• Chidi's reaction to almost dying is... less than enlightened at first.
  Chidi: That, that is right where I was standing. I was frozen here, unable to make a simple decision, and I almost got crushed by an air conditioner. This is a sign. I shouldn't be using air conditioners! The Freon is awful for the environment!
  Uzo: [incredulous] That's the lesson you take from this? Chidi. Your brain is broken. You need to fix your brain. [storms off]
  • Chidi them takes his advice and sees Simone, a neuroscientist, who trolls him about what she plans to do to his brain before agreeing to his plan despite him dropping in unexpectedly and using up her resources and money. Even funnier is that to illustrate his decision-making problems to her, he can't choose between chairs and awkwardly sits on their armrests.
  • It's even funnier that her trolling regarding what she wants to do with his brain won't be too out of place for the Bad Place.
  • After giving the test, Simone shows him his results, compliments his hippocampus, and then gets to the relevant part:
    Simone: This is your ventromedial prefrontal cortex, the center of decision-making. This is where the magic happens. Do you see how it's all lit up? [Chidi nods] That's a flurry of activity that occurred when I asked you to choose between red and blue and you almost passed out.
    Chidi: Is it too late to pick blue instead?
    Simone: It is. Yeah. Point is, at first glance, your brain is very healthy.
    Chidi: Huh, there are...actual answers here. Data you can observe and learn from.
    Simone: Yeah, man. Science is all about getting answers. You philosophers can spend your entire life mulling over a single question. That's why everyone hates moral philosophy professors. [both laugh] No offense.
    Chidi: Nope, none taken. We suck.
• Chidi has a brief montage of his increased decisiveness, including throwing away his manuscript, giving the speech Eleanor watched, and sitting down near the muffin stand with Henry. Then his decisions backfire on poor Henry, who becomes an internet meme after an exercising session horribly injures him, sending Chidi into a spiral of indecision. Then Chidi learns blueberry muffins are bad, and Michael attempts to help him, speaking with a dreadful Australian accent and telling him to help the very next person to walk in his office.
  Chidi: [to Eleanor, in the office] A few hours later, you walked in and asked for help. Now, I don't know if this is going to solve all of my problems, but it's worth a try, right?
  Eleanor: Well, thank you, sexy librarian guy.
  Chidi: I didn't say he was sexy.
  Eleanor: Oh, I know, but whenever anyone tells me a story about their life I always imagine all the people as being super hot, otherwise I quickly lose interest. [Chidi looks baffled] Do you not do that? You can do it for free.
  • After Vicky complained about never getting to use her Australian accent, Michael is doing one instead.
• In the tape room, Michael is pleased and assumes nothing can stop the humans from being good people. Cut to Shawn striding into a room full of demons working at computers. Glenn asks why Shawn cares about these four humans in particular, considering they torture tens of billions of humans already. Shawn gives him a Death Glare, cocoons him, cocoons Todd just because it's fun, and then asks Val for uplifting music. When we next see Shawn, he's cocooned nearly everyone there.
  Shawn: Good idea. Choose something deeply terrible, to inspire us.
  [Val presses a button off-screen; "Right Here Waiting" begins playing]
  Shawn: Oh yeah. That's the stuff.
• Eleanor's philosophy lessons are going about as well as could be expected this early on.
  Chidi: So, for Aristotle, virtue is practical. Goodness isn't something that a person just inherently has, it's something that she achieves through her actions. Questions?
  Eleanor: Uh, yeah. A few. I wrote down... "What?", "Huh?", and then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read "Aristotle" I thought it was pronounced like "Chipotle". Wait a minute. Is it "chip-i-tottle"?
  Chidi: These are all great questions, but I have to meet my thesis advisor across campus.
  Eleanor: Uh, well, I'm headed that way too, I'll walk with you. Hey, so...I've been trying to figure out how to pay you back for helping me.
  Chidi: I told you, you don't owe me anything.
  Eleanor: At home, when I wanna get something nice for one of my friends, it usually comes in the form of something...edible. [Chidi shakes his head] You get what I'm saying? An edible? Thing?
  Chidi: Please don't buy me drugs.
  Eleanor: Okay, copy that.
  • On the way across the campus, Eleanor shares a story from her past:
    Eleanor: I had no choice; I was in his driveway taking pictures when he walked out. So I said "Hey, Mr. Crowe, I'm from the gas company, I loved you in Gladiator."
• Eleanor tries to get Simone and Chidi together via the MRI machine.
  Chidi: [in the MRI] Okay, I'm all set.
  Simone: I'm just gonna ask you some basic questions, Chidi. Uh, what is one plus one?
  Chidi: Two.
  Simone: What color is the sky?
  Chidi: Blue.
  Eleanor: What color are Simone's eyes?
  Chidi: Brown. Wh—uh, uh, what?
  Eleanor: If you could take Simone anywhere on a date, where would you take her?
  Chidi: Sorry, is this part of the experiment?
  Simone: It is now, yes. Please answer the question. And keep in mind we can see your brain.
  Eleanor: Next question: You are into Simone.
  Chidi: That's not a question.
  Eleanor: So you agree? It's a fact. Next question's for Simone. Simone, are you annoyed at Chidi for waiting so long to ask you out?
  Simone: Yes, I am.
  Eleanor: Chidi, same question for you, are you annoyed at yourself for waiting so long to ask out Simone? I mean, I'm annoyed with you and I've only known you three weeks.
  Chidi: Yes, I am obviously very annoyed with myself. Can I get out now?
  Eleanor: No, you can't, it'll ruin the science. There's only one question left, and you gotta ask it, bud.
  Chidi: Simone, would you like to have dinner with me?
  Simone: Wow. That is highly inappropriate. [Eleanor snorts]
  Chidi: Uhhhh...
  Simone: I'm just kidding. Yes, I would. Thank you for asking.
• Michael is worried that with Simone in the picture Eleanor and Chidi won't bond.
  Michael: How are the two of them gonna bond?
  Janet: There were plenty of reboots where Eleanor and Chidi weren't even soulmates. And he still always helped her. Simone and Chidi are good together. I've been running simulations on what their kids will be like. One of them is hot enough to be on The Bachelor, and smart enough to never go on The Bachelor.
• Michael decides he's left too much to chance and that he has to go back down to Earth.
  Janet: You're pressing your luck. If you keep disobeying Mommy, something bad is going to happen.
  Michael: What?
  Janet: Uh. I don't have a mom so I've been experimenting with thinking of the Judge as...my mom. [laughs] It's weird. Forget it.
  Michael: Okay.
  Janet: How are you even gonna get Jason and Tahani to Australia?
  Michael: I have no idea. But I have to try.
  Janet: Well, good luck, Dad. Nope, also weird. Just go. [waves]
• Chidi's revelation about his thesis is interrupted by Eleanor trying to ship him and Simone, and a case of Mood Whiplash.
  Chidi: Th—l—listen, th-the point is, Eleanor and I have nothing in common, except that we both almost died and it made us wanna be better people. This is my thesis idea: I will explore the effect of near-death experiences on ethical decision-making! I will get a group of people together who have had near-death experiences and ask them ethical questions and see if there's any commonalities!
  Simone: That's great! Why are you yelling it at me!?
  Chidi: Because I need your help! You and your magic brain scan machine!
  Simone: Oh! Of course! A joint study with the neuroscience department! We can use MRI mapping to see if a near-death experience alters brain function!
  [Eleanor sits in the chair next to Reginald]
  Chidi: There's something there, right?
  Simone: Definitely, I love this.
  Chidi: Great. Also, I wanted to kiss you last night but I chickened out so I'm gonna kiss you now.
  Simone: Good, yes, I want that please. [they kiss; Eleanor grins] Oh, sorry Reginald, what were you saying?
  Reginald: Um... that I can't come to class tomorrow 'cause my grandma died?
  [Among the posters visible on the board where Chidi puts up the notice of their study is one reading "Vote Sackett: Every criminal deserves a third chance."]
• Chidi introduces Eleanor to the newest member of the study, Tahani Al-Jamil.
  Eleanor: Al-Jamil. Oh, you're Kamilah's sister!
  Tahani: [inhales; strained] I am, yes. If you want an autograph or something I could probably arrange it.
  Eleanor: Eh. I was never really that into her. No offense.
  Tahani: [delighted] Oh! [laughs] I assure you, there is none taken.
• After Tahani is saved from being crushed, she tries to find out who did it, but the crowd, who were presumably watching the entire time, immediately decide it was Kamilah.
  Tahani: [narrates over her clearing out her massive wardrobe] In that very moment, I decided to change my life. First I cleansed myself of all the worldly possessions that had been weighing me down like anchors; the dresses, the jewels, I gave them all to Goodwill. That's what I call Prince William. Since he'd married a commoner, I assumed he'd know some needy people they could go to. Then, I deleted all my celebrity contacts from my mobile. [in flashback] Goodbye, Bono. Goodbye, The Edge. Goodbye, The Edge's real phone number that even Bono doesn't have. [narrating] And most importantly, I put physical distance between me and my old life. [in flashback] Book me a flight to Tibet. I'm going to live in a Buddhist monastery. I need to get out of the spotlight.
  Phaedra: Copy that; I'll see what jets are available.
  Tahani: No. I'm flying commercial.
  Phaedra: Okay. First class, I assume.
  Tahani: No! I am a woman of the people now! Comfort plus.
  • Tahani did indeed spend time living in a monastery and apparently found it quite fulfilling, until the press came calling and offered her a book tour.
  Tahani: [narrating] Of course, I never called him to do that profile, because I didn't pursue a life of tranquility to get in front of a camera. I did it to get out of the spotlight.
  [cut to Tahani on stage advertising her book, "Get Out of the Spotlight", with blurbs reading '"This book is so brilliant, I've decided to quit writing, because I'll never top it." - Malcolm Gladwell' and '"Ditto." - Cormac McCarthy']
  Tahani: [in flashback] And that's what my book is about: Shedding your need for validation from others.
  • Michael's plan to get her in the study is to pose as an investor praising her scam.
  Michael: Miss Al-Jamil. It's okay. You and I are the same. I love what you're doing here. You get to be rich and famous, and not have to do any of the work of helping people.
  Tahani: [furious] But I am helping people. You need to go. Right now.
  Michael: Suit yourself. Look, if you change your mind, I'm online. Just, just Google "crystals that prevent erectile dysfunction".
  Tahani: Ugh.
  • Phaedra tells Chidi on the phone that Tahani doesn't have time to participate in his study, but if he wants to meet her he can sign up for the "Get Out of the Spotlight Cruise", with special guests Deepak Chopra and will.i.am.
• Michael's method of getting Tahani's information to Chidi is an email from a professor by the name of "Charles Brainman".
• Eleanor welcomes Tahani to Australia.
  Eleanor: Oh, if you need a place to crash while you get settled, my motel has a pull-out sofa, although as I say that and I look at you and your whole thing I realize that's absurd and you should probably just get your own place.
• Michael finds Jason hurling rocks off a pier.
  Michael: 'Sup, bud? I've been looking for you.
  Jason: Oh, sorry, are these your rocks?
  Michael: No. Look, my name is Zack Pizzazz, international talent scout. I've been tracking your dance troupe, man; I think you really got the goods. I want you to come on down to Australia and start a new crew, alright? I'll pay for everything. May have a few other obligations but basically-
  Jason: Uh, thanks, but no thanks, man. I'm done with dancing.
  Michael: But—wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, you heard what my name was, right? Zack Pizzazz?
  Jason: My life is just kinda messed up right now. I had a really tough year.
  Michael: I'm sorry. Wanna talk about it? I'm a pretty good listener.
  Jason: Well, my year... started about a year ago.
  • In the flashback, after Michael releases Jason from the safe, Pillboi asks him what happened.
    Jason: I couldn't breathe! The snorkel must've been broken!
    Pillboi: Yo, that sucks. You ready to get back in there?
    Jason: Nah, man. We're not doing this no more. I almost died trying to rob a Mexican restaurant. I have to change my life.
    [Jason looks at a box with an extremely obvious poster reading "Change Your Life! Jacksonville Community College"]
    Jason: I know what I'm gonna do. [snatches the poster immediately next to it, advertising the "Swamp Stomp dance competition"] I'm gonna win this dance competition!
  • Jason tells his dance troupe that in three months, on stage in the Carmen Electra auditorium at the Smith and Wesson Performing Arts Centre and ATV Repair Shop, they are going to win a dance competition. He holds up the poster, upside-down.
    Jason: How, you ask? By working! We are going to eat, breathe, and vape dance! I want you thinking about dance twenty-four-seven. That means every day you think twenty thoughts about dance for seven minutes. [general murmurs of agreement] And if you can't promise me that you'll give this dance crew everything that you've got, then you can walk out that door. Right now.
    Doug: Yeah, okay, I'm out.
    Jason: What? Come on, Donkey Doug, after all we've been through?
    Doug: Listen, you know you're my boy, but this sounds like a lot of work. Good luck. [the two perform a Secret Handshake ending with Finger Guns, then hug] Donkey Doug out. [several other dancers follow him]
    Li'l Peanut: Damn. That's a tough blow. But, now that those guys are no longer members of our crew, we can legally rob their houses.
    Jason: Naw, Li'l Peanut. We're gonna do this the right way. No more crime. And if you don't like that, you can walk out that door. Right now.
    [Li'l Peanut shrugs and leaves, followed by a much larger fraction of the group]
    Jason: What? G—Come— ...We still got like thirty-five people, so, let's get to work!
  • Cut to a few months later, on the stage:
    Gatorbait: Quick announcement: Will the owner of a 1998 Toyota Tercel with golden pythons painted on both sides, license plate "GOTMILF", please see an usher; your car has exploded. [enthusiastic] Alright, y'all ready for the next act? Please give it up right now for Dance Dance Resolution!
    [Jason and his crew perform a dance beginning with him emerging from a fake safe and otherwise conveying no narrative or meaning]
    Gatorbait: In the six-year history of this competition, no crew has ever received a perfect score from our judges. [Jason's crew looks excited] That changed tonight. But before we get to that, Dance Dance Resolution has been disqualified.
    Jason: What?! No! Why?!
    Gatorbait: Because you have forty people on stage; the limit is eight. Also, one of your members tried to carjack me on my way in here.
    Jason: No, that was Donkey Doug, and he's not a part of our crew any more. We win. [to crew] We win! [chanting with crew] We win, we win, we win!
    Gatorbait: [over chanting] No. Again, you are disqualified.
    [in a brief montage, Dance Dance Resolution loses in competitions to "Panther Blood" and "Suck Monsters", then, when notably beat-up, to "nobody; all teams are disqualified due to violence."]
    Jason: Okay, well, we're outta rent money, so, remember that thing I said about no more crime? That's over now. Go do crime.
  • Cut to Officer Ramirez reporting that Jason confessed to the robbery.
    Cop on radio: That was easy.
    Jason: Look, please let me go. I only did it to pay rent for my dance crew's rehearsal space.
    Ramirez: Oh! Well, then you're in luck! We only arrest people for robbery if they don't have a reason.
  • Later, Pillboi and Jason talk in a bar.
    Pillboi: Sorry it took me so long to bail you out.
    Jason: Naw, it was my fault. I shouldn't've used my one phone call to prank the police department. Man, a year ago, I almost died, and I'm exactly the same as I was before. A failure.
    Pillboi: You're not a failure, you're a dreamer. Look, I like my job at the old folks' home. Those old biddies are sweet, and sometimes they give me what they think are candy, but are really loose Vicodin. But when I'm with you, I feel like the sky's the limit. I feel like, someday, I'll be able to buy my own Vicodin. And it'll never turn out to actually be laxatives.
    Jason: Thanks, dog, but if my life ended today, what would my legacy be? Sure, I did a wheelie on a dirt bike through an entire Waffle House, and I was once interviewed on the news for finding a foot on the beach, but, yo, other than that, I have no truly great accomplishments.
    Pillboi: Bro. I'm only saying this because I love you: Do you want a Vicodin right now?
    Jason: [to Michael] So, I walked out of that bar, came down to this wharf, threw a rock at a snake, met a guy named Zack Pizzazz, talked to him about my crazy year that I've had which started when I was locked in a safe—
    Michael: No, no, that was me. I-I-I'm Zack Pizzazz. We're caught up now.
    Jason: Oh, yeah.
    Michael: Yeah. [laughs]
    Jason: A year ago if you had asked me to run a dance crew in Atlantis—
    Michael: Australia.
    Jason: I would've said yes for sure. But now, and I know this sounds crazy, but I'm starting to think there might be more to life than amateur street dancing competitions.
    Michael: It's funny, but I know exactly what you mean. My goal in life used to be completely different too. I used to...rep this crew called the Demons.
    Jason: Whoa! I remember you guys! Didn't you all die when someone brought a hammerhead shark into your hot tub?
    Michael: Different Demons.
  • Michael offers Jason a group of people who are also searching for meaning.
    Michael: What do you think? You want to meet 'em?
    Jason: ... Yeah. That sounds great. [Michael smiles] Do we have to leave right now? My friend gave me a pill that I realized one second ago was definitely a laxative.
    Michael: [alarmed] No, go, go. [Jason runs off]
• Michael tells the Doorman that he won't need to go to Earth again.
  Michael: [holding a metal thermos flask] So to thank you for your help, I brought you back something from Earth. Little token of my appreciation. It keeps your antimatter warmer for longer. [puts it down to reveal an image of a frog on one side]
  Doorman: [delighted] It's a frog!
  Michael: Yeah.
  Doorman: There's a frog on it!
  Michael: Yeah. [laughs]
  Doorman: Right there! It's a frog! [Michael begins to look baffled] Oh, man, it's green, it's classic! Oh, this guy's a jumper, you can tell! Thank you!
  Michael: You're welcome. [walks away; to self] Wow! That really went over big!
• When Michael returns, Janet immediately asks how Jason is, and if he's still cute. Then Gen comes in, forcing them to improvise a distraction as she just finished binging NCIS.
• In the MRI room, the gang is back together.
  Simone: So, this is our MRI machine. [Jason tries to touch it] Ooh, don't, don't touch that. Um. Each of you will get a chance in here eventually. Hopefully, none of you is claustrophobic.
  Jason: Claustrophobic? Who would ever be scared of Santa Claus? Ohhh! The Jewish!
  Eleanor: You from Florida?
  Jason: Jacksonville!
  Eleanor: Yeeeah.
  Tahani: That should be fine for me. It's roughly the same size as Nicole Kidman's cryogenic anti-aging chamber, and I've never had a problem in there, so.
  Eleanor: I'll be okay too. Kinda reminds me of the home tanning booth I lost my virginity in.
  Simone: Wow. I cannot wait to take a look at these three brains.

The Brainy Bunch

• The episode opens on Michael and Janet realizing that a demon has infiltrated the group.
  Michael: Not just any demon. Trevor is a diabolical, sadistic agent of evil; might just be the single most dangerous creature in the universe.
  Trevor: Who wants lemon baaaars! It's my nana's recipe, and they are just sinful. Love 'em on my lips but hate 'em on my hips, if you know what I mean.
  • In general, Trevor spends the entire episode convinced he's a genius Bitch in Sheep's Clothing who's expertly manipulating the humans, when in actuality he simply comes off as an obnoxious, clingy jerk, and so they barely pay any attention to him.
• "It's so nice to hear someone say 'Eleanor, you're the reason this is all happening' who isn't a judge in small claims court."
• Chidi and Simone recap their planned experiment.
  Chidi: So. I give them ethics problems and we scan their brains and we get a sense of their baseline moral instincts.
  Simone: Right. Then, I'll show them pictures that trigger memories of their near-death experiences, we'll scan again, and see if we get a different result. For example, I'll show Jason pictures of [brings images up on screen] a safe, a snorkel, and whippit canisters.
  Chidi: Got it. Also, what a grim death that would've been.
• Tahani demonstrates her odd fashion choices.
  Tahani: Darling, do you remember all the rules about what can and cannot be worn inside an MRI? More specifically, what if one's brassiere is very thin, but also very pure gold?
  Eleanor: I dunno, but I'm in a similar situaysh, because the sports bra I'm wearing is kind of rust-colored underneath the armpits, so... I guess we'll roll the dice together.
  [Tahani looks disgusted]
• Jason's grasp on the situation is as firm as ever.
  Jason: [holding something in both hands] Ooh, Mrs. Teacher, for my turn, is there any way to get, like, extra radiation?
  Simone: There is no radiation in an MRI. But why do you ask?
  Jason: Uh, no reason.
  Eleanor: [quietly, in a tone as though talking to a small child] Jason? Whaddya got in your hand there, bud?
  Jason: Nothing.
  Eleanor: Is it a spider?
  Jason: ...Yes.
  Eleanor: [more normally] Do you think taking a spider in an MRI machine will give you super-powers?
  Jason: Hey, it might work! He already bit me a bunch of times and gave me the power to swell up my hand! [holds up hands, which are covered in swollen bites]
  Tahani: Oh, my god!
  Eleanor: What.
• In the hall, Trevor runs into Michael, disguised with a trench coat and fedora.
  Trevor: Sweet outfit. Dick Tracy called; he said you're a buttface and he's been plowing your mom.
  Michael: Yeah, well Dick Tracy called me too, first. And he said he was about to call you and say a lie about me that was actually true about you, instead. [Trevor shakes his head, baffled]
  
  Michael: First of all, I'm currently formulating a better comeback to your Dick Tracy burn, and it's gonna devastate you.
  
  Michael: ...Dick Tracy called back on his watch-phone and said you better watch out! ...Shoot. Second too late.
• "I feel like last week I had my own personal ninja master, and now I'm taking tai chi with a bunch of farting housewives."
• Trevor suggests they go sightseeing as a group.
  Trevor: Whaddya say, E Street Band? You up for a Segway tour of [in an Australian accent only slightly better than Michael's] Australia, mate? [holds up a hand] This is a knife. On the barbie!
  Eleanor: [unconvincingly] Cool idea. I'm just worried that maybe it, mm, it's too cool? I think I'm just gonna find the nearest bar, have one or eight drinks, and hit the hay.
  Trevor: Even better, we'll all go [terrible accent] bend an elbow. [normal] Actually, I know the perfect place for homesick Americans.
  [cut to the "Cowboy Skyscraper Buffet", whose exterior is garishly decorated with American imagery and whose inside is even worse]
  Hortence: [in a bad Southern accent] Hey, dudes! Welcome to the Cowboy Skyscraper Buffet!
  Trevor: Oh, hey, can we get the Florida table? [to group] They absolutely nail the swamp stench.
  Hortence: [accent lapsing] Oh, someone's seated there. But, if you purchase our "Manifest Destiny" package for thirty dollars, you can have anyone you want forcibly removed from the table!
  Eleanor: W-we'll just sit anywhere.
  Hortence: When your table's ready, [pulls a gun from behind her back] this gun'll go off! [hands it to Chidi]
  Chidi: [holding it gingerly; concerned] I think... this is real. [Tahani looks surprised and Eleanor steps backwards in alarm]
  • Among the decorations is a version of Mount Rushmore with pictures of David Hasselhoff, Paris Hilton, Judge Judy, and Hulk Hogan pasted over the presidents.
• Trevor hands out sweatshirts declaring them "The Brain-y Bunch".
  Jason: Awesome! I love being on teams! And if we're on a team now we need nicknames! [points to Tahani] Optimus, [Eleanor] Bumblebee, [Chidi] Jazz, [Trevor] uh, Megatron. That's what you can each call me; now we need nicknames for you guys.
• "Our specialty cocktail tonight is the Fourth of July. It's half an apple pie, blended with Southern comfort and coca-cola, served in a Chevy hub cap."
  Trevor: Why don't you just go get us a round of beers?
  Janet: Of course. Here you go. [holds hands out to summon a tray of beers, which does not appear; Chidi looks confused; laughs] Sorry, I... will... go... physically pick those up, I guess, and... then walk them back here, with my... feet. [chuckles] But just so you know, I will be here all night, [looking directly at Trevor] watching... everything that... you... order. [leaves, to a skeptical look from Chidi]
  Trevor: So, Elly baby, brainstorm, we should get a house. [Jason looks thrilled; Tahani less so] Me, you, Tahani, Jason, we should all go in together on a place! Roomies!
  Jason: Roomies!
  Eleanor: [through a strained grin] That is... technically an idea...
  Trevor: I think it would be supes fun. We could play pranks on each other for my vlog—
  Eleanor: No.
  Trevor: We could do one of those ice bucket challenges that I sent you!
  Eleanor: Don't think so.
  Trevor: Or maybe just a Harlem shake! I like to cook.
  Eleanor: Please stop. Please stop now.
  Trevor: And I have been dying to experiment with [terrible Jamaican accent] Jamaican food, man. I like Jamaican food. Listen to the Reggae and smoke da joints, [normal] that's a Jamaican accent.
  [Eleanor looks away after a Beat]
• Over at the bar, Michael asks Janet how it's going while she pours drinks.
  Janet: Not good, Michael! I don't have my powers! I can't summon things! [gestures] Dictionary. Spaghetti. Jetski, giraffe, gah! Look what I've been reduced to! Humans only live eighty years and they spend so much of it just waiting for things to be over.
  Michael: I'm all out of sorts down here too. I'm bad at lying now, that used to be my thing. And every part of my body's either too dry or too wet.
  Janet: It's worse for me, man! Ever since we walked through that portal, my knowledge has stopped updating. The instant before we left, a man in Caracas, Venezuela named Raoul Benitez was eating a ham sandwich. Did he finish it? I don't know, and it's making me crazy. I gotta find him. [goes to leave]
• Trevor tells Chidi that he assumed that he'd think it was unprofessional to be friends with the subjects of his study.
  Chidi: No, I never thought that. ...I mean, I, I kinda do now, sh-should I not be socializing?
  Trevor: I'm sure it's fine; I mean, how much harm could it possibly do?
  Chidi: Good point. Such a good point that I'm gonna go think about how good a point that is over there by myself for several minutes. Excuse me.
  Trevor: [smirks as Chidi leaves, then starts tossing popcorn in the air and making no attempt to catch it in his mouth] Hey, El-train, you think with all these new Star Wars movies they'll finally make a new Spaceballs?
  Eleanor: I'm sorry, I'm getting a text, and I have to take this. [leaves]
  Janet: [arrives] Okay, everybody, here are your beers, and here is yours. [pours beer on Trevor's sweatshirt; unconvincingly] Oh no! Ohhh, I guess you should go to the bathroom? Or maybe go home and never come back.
  Trevor: No worries, I made extra sweatshirts. Besides, we're having too much fun to leave. [Janet leaves, frustrated] Speaking of fun, I know this super-fun drinking game we can play. Every time one of you says something that the other can't relate to, you both drink.
  Tahani: Could be fun. I once played a drinking game with Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively at their macrobiotic farm with a particularly robust batch of homemade kombucha. [winks]
  Jason: Do I have to drink for every word I don't know?
  Trevor: Up to you. Just drink!
• Janet asks if they can't just "take Trevor out."
  Janet: I don't know if he can die but I could drop a steamroller on his head. Oh, darn it, I can't summon things. I guess I could kick him with my...soft...feet. Earth sucks!
• Eleanor tries to convince Chidi to return to "a simple drink with friends at the world's worst restaurant."
  Chidi: We can be colleagues. Associates is pushing it. And by even having this conversation, you're becoming my confidant! I can't have that!
  • Chidi realizes that he and Eleanor were becoming friends before the study began, and immediately panics. Eleanor decides to go to the bar and get him "a hot tea, or a regular-temperature Xanax."
• Librarian Michael and his awful accent return.
  Michael: Professor Anagonye? Oh yeah, I thought I recognized you. It's me, the librarian. From the library.
  Chidi: Oh! Right. Hi. Sorry. Uh, 's just kind of in the middle of something here.
  Michael: Well, maybe I can help. You know what I like to do in situations like these?
  Chidi: I haven't told you anything about what I'm going through.
  Michael: [gestures agreement] Do that first, then I'll tell you what I'd do in situations such as the one you're about to describe. I've been in every situation. 'Cause I'm a librarian.
  
  Michael: If you ask me, Chidi, you need to get over there. You know, spend time with the team. Though we do have a saying in the library game: Um... "There's only room for one male subject in an academic study, so...keep the one who got there first."
  Chidi: Catchy.
  Michael: Gotta go now. [leaves before Eleanor can see him on her return]
  Eleanor: The closest thing I could find to herbal tea was a root beer I had them throw in the microwave. You know what, don't drink that. [puts it on a passing waiter's tray]
• Eleanor's concise summation of the other members of the study: "I mean, Tahani is, eh, but Jason, woof, and Trevor, bleugh."
• After Chidi leaves, Trevor calls to Eleanor from the table:
  Trevor: Hey, E-dog, get over here! It's trivia night! First round questions are all about Logan Paul, and you know I'm Logang for life!
  Eleanor: [gives double thumbs up and a forced grin; muttering] Go put your head up your own butt.
  Trevor: What?
  Eleanor: What?
  Trevor: What?
  [Eleanor leaves]
• Michael and Janet ambush Trevor in a bathroom whose walls are tiled in vehicle license plates.
  Trevor: Oh. Don't you buttnecks ever give up?
  Janet: No. And what are you even doing in a bathroom? You're a demon. You don't... [glances at Trevor's crotch] need it.
  Trevor: I like the smells. [Michael and Janet look revolted] And, I like putting my hands in the toilet so everything I touch gets a little bit of poop on it. [Michael and Janet look more revolted] Hey, you guys see what I did out there? I am so good, I got Eleanor to leave a bar early.
  
  Trevor: But hey, may the worst demon win. Good luck, Mikey. [extends hand; Michael shakes it] Aaah, poop hands! [Michael pulls his hand back, disgusted] I can't believe you fell for that!
• The next day, Simone enters Chidi's office:
  Simone: Are you alright? You didn't sleep at all last night.
  Chidi: Oh, I got a... solid eight minutes. Not consecutively, but still. It's fine. [eye twitching] You're not even that blurry.
  
  Simone: Fine. But you need to get some rest. This morning you bit into a raw egg like it was an apple.
  Chidi: I thought it was hard-boiled.
  Simone: Yeah, but still the shell.
• While Trevor establishes a secret handshake with Jason, Tahani enters:
  Tahani: Attention everyone. Do not look at me.
  Simone: [attempting to do both simultaneously] Oh. I don't...dunno what to do.
  Tahani: I am both overhung and humiliated by my uncouth comportment last night. Please accept these formal letters of apology. Further apologies for their appearance; I just couldn't find a proper calligrapher at five in the morning.
  Trevor: So what happened to you two lovebirds last night, huh?
  Tahani: Frankly, it is none of your business.
  Trevor: Oh. [holds up hands] Sorry.
  Tahani: Jason was a perfect gentleman last night. [to Jason] Thank you so much for getting me home safely. I wouldn't blame you should you ostracize me for my boorish behavior.
  Jason: You weren't boring. You were fun! Crazy story: After you got into the cab, I forgot where I lived, but then I looked across the street, and there was a motel. And behind that, there was a dumpster! I slept in a dumpster!
  Tahani: [appalled] Jason!
  Jason: No no no, it was fine! And it was super fun getting to know you. You're the fanciest person I know. Next to my friend Ronnie who drives a limo. He's in limos all the time. Ohh, what a life.
• Chidi turns to the whiteboard on which he has already written "History of philosophy" and "Palto". After a few moments of consideration, he turns to Simone:
  Chidi: Hey, do you think I should—
  Simone: Yeah. And I already called you a car, because you should not drive. It's outside.
  Chidi: Thanks. [turns in a full circle] Where's outside?
• The magazine Eleanor reads, "Aus Weekly", features an article on the non-famous Hemsworth brother Larry, as well as what appears to be an advert for some kind of high-end boomerang.
  Hems-Worthless: Meet Larry, the Hemsworth Brother They Don't Want You To Know About
  Coldies with Naomi! Beer Pong at the Billabong
  Nicole Reckons: Fair Dinkum, I Was Drongo!
• When Chidi enters Eleanor's room, he's very visibly out of it.
  Eleanor: Are you okay?
  Chidi: Sorry. Uh, literally one second ago, I was at the front desk. [looks at the wrench in his hand in puzzlement] Don't know where I got this. [chuckles] Anyway. Are you coming to class?
  Eleanor: Ehhhh. I just don't think the group thing is for me. I'm better when it's one-on-one, and we're both looking at our phones, and I don't know the other person, and we don't talk.
  
  [after a heartfelt speech from Chidi]
  Eleanor: See, I just told you I don't like talking. That whole thing could've been sent in a text that I pretended I never saw. [shrugs, then sighs] ...Fine. You did good at talking, I'll come back to class.
  Chidi: [nods, grinning, then turns to the door in response to nothing] Come in! [looks at Eleanor] No?
  Eleanor: I'm gonna drive you back.
  Chidi: Okay.
• This time, Michael and Janet wait for Trevor to enter a bathroom they're in rather than vice-versa.
  Michael: Hey. Dick Tracy called. Said that I was right about Eleanor and Chidi having an unbreakable bond.
  Trevor: I don't think you understand how that joke works.
  
  Michael: These four humans are all I care about in the universe. And there is nothing, I mean nothing that's gonna come between me and—
  [the Doorman's door appears in the room, and he walks through]
  Doorman: Oh, cool. You're all together. The Judge wants to see you.
• The Doorman takes the time to try out a faucet while he's on Earth, declaring it "pretty cool."
• When Gen starts berating Michael, Trevor is quick to try and weasel his way onto her side.
  Trevor: Your honor, I have to say, I support you one hundo percent. [Gen rolls her eyes] I mean, what Michael did is unbelievable. Now, granted, I also tricked the Doorman and snuck down to Earth, but what are we gonna do-
  [Gen, smiling, flicks her fingers at Trevor, hurling him off the side of the walkway to fly, screaming, into the infinite void; Michael and Janet gape in horror]
  Gen: Do you realize what you did? You meddled in human affairs! That ripples out, man! Do you know how much weird stuff has happened because of your little experiment? England left Europe. That Hugh Jackman musical about P.T. Barnum? It made, like, four hundred million dollars. Also, the Jacksonville Jaguars are good now.
  Michael: Impossible.
  Gen: I'm serious! They're gonna make the playoffs! Blake Bortles is... kind of okay? Maybe? I don't know, it's...being debated amongst experts, it's confusing. But whatever it is, it's yo' fault!
  
  Gen: I mean, because of you, Byron Allen owns the Weather Channel now.
  Michael: Is, is that bad?
  Gen: I don't know! But it's weird, man!
• When Janet's powers come back online, everything she attempted to summon while on Earth appears in rapid sequence. Among the items produced are the steamroller, giraffe, and Jetski she mentioned earlier, a turtle, several appliances, a tractor, a billboard reading "Trevor stinks! -Janet", a crane, an "Ugly Nick's Meat Trench" 24-hour restaurant, a lotion bottle labeled "time", and numerous cacti.
  • Additionally, she was apparently very determined to kill Trevor; the pile includes not only the heavy items but several grenades, a large bomb, a tank, a barrel labeled "poison", and a barrel with a radioactive warning label.
• The frog thermos Michael gave the Doorman returns to save the day, inspiring him to give them the key. He even salutes them with it.
  Doorman: Good luck, frog man. Pulling for ya.
  
  Doorman: [flatly, pointing at the door] They escaped.
  Gen: [exasperated] Yeah. Thanks, Jeff.

The Snowplow

• Michael and Janet desperately try to hang up on the Judge, who can see what they're doing and gets more irritated with them.
  Gen: That's a magic key, you dick!
• Michael and Janet find an abandoned room to use as their base of operations.
  Michael: What do they use this for, anyway? Storage?
  Janet: No. It's the Journalism department.
  Michael: Oh. Bad for the world, but good for us.
• Eleanor refuses to take free cupcakes because of her hatred of group activities. Simone is having none of it.
  Simone: Cool stance. Counterargument: These are free cupcakes. Get over yourself and take one.
• Tahani invites the Brainy Bunch and Simone to her engagement party, telling them it's "come as you are". Cut to the four standing out as normally dressed people, where everyone else is dressed to the nines.
  Chidi: I guess these people... came as they were?
• Eleanor is shocked that this fancy house was an Airbnb location Tahani found, before Tahani clarifies it's actually a more exclusive "Heirbnb" location.
• Eleanor destroying Tahani and Larry's gorgeously made cake in a fit of spite, and then going overboard in her follow-up.
  Eleanor: [in a bad British accent] And a fabulous St. Ploopington's Day to all! [back to normal accent, as she backs out of the room] USA! USA! USA!
• Simone finds Eleanor hiding in the bushes, waiting for a cab, and Eleanor, apologising, asks for Simone's help:
  Eleanor: You're a brain scientist. Can you tell me why I did that in there?
  Simone: I mostly do clinical research in neuroscience. I don't really specialize in temper tantrums. Maybe you need a child psychologist. Or a binky.
• When implored for a genuine answer, Simone informs her on the nature of group empathy, suggesting that Eleanor's crappy childhood meant she never quite figured it out... "or you're just kind of a dick."

Jeremy Bearimy

• Michael covers for the door and everything the humans overheard by claiming he and Janet are "paranormal investigators" with the FBI.
  Michael: We're here to protect you from... demons. No wait, that's real. Ghouls. We're here to protect you from ghouls.
• Michael's asides to Janet.
  Michael: Serious question.
  Janet: Yeah.
  Michael: Should we kill them?
  Janet: What?
  Michael: It might work! We kill them, go back through the door, somehow grab them before they get to the Bad Place, and regroup from there. I could kill them right now. You know, it would be easy. Their bodies are very poorly made. They're mostly goo and juice. You just take the juice out, and then they're dead.
• As confusing as the entire concept of the Jeremy Bearimy is, the disconnected dot above the I (which is Tuesday, and also July and sometimes never; it's the moment in the Bearimy timeline where nothing never occurs) causes Chidi to have a complete mental breakdown.
  Chidi: This broke me. Th-the dot over the I, that broke me. I'm... I'm done.
• Chidi freaks out a man in the park by quoting Nietzsche.
  Guy: Do you want to see God?
  Chidi: God is dead! God remains dead, and we killed him! Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we need to invent?
  Guy: I just wanted to sell you drugs, but you made it weird!
  • Then the sprinklers come on, drenching Chidi. He just takes his shirt off, drops it on the ground, and walks away.
• The banker Tahani and Jason try to deal with informing Tahani that they're actually supposed to close the entire building if someone from Florida sets foot in there.
• Eleanor, discussing philosophy with an Australian bartender, who questions what society would be like if everyone just did what they want (it would break down), tells him this is America as is.
  Eleanor: In America, everyone does what they want! Society did break down, it's terrible, and it's great!
  • After she returns the wallet she found and he gives her sincere thanks for returning his good luck charm and saying he hopes his daughter turns out like her, she starts crying.
  Man: Are you okay?
  Eleanor: No, You shut up! Sorry. Weird day.
• Chidi's breakdown. First he strips off his shirt at the park when the sprinklers are turned on. Next he goes to the supermarket and buys a whole lot of canned chili, Marshmallow Peeps, M&Ms, and almond milk. When told that he can't be there without a shirt, he takes a woman's t-shirt that reads "Who, What, Where, When, Wine" off the rack and puts it on. Then he gives his credit cards to the cashier to pay for it all and keep them, along with his car keys. Finally, he takes all the food he bought and makes chili out of it. In his classroom in the middle of class.
  Chidi: You put the Peeps in the chili pot and eat them both up, you put the Peeps in the chili pot add the M&Ms, you put the Peeps in the chili pot and makes it taste... baaaaad.
  • When told by his students that final exams are next week and he hasn't taught them anything, he proceeds to lecture them in the three branches of philosophy (virtue ethics, consequentialism, and deontology) and calls them all "hot stinky cat dookie", proclaiming nihilism to be the only truth.
  • After the lecture he dismisses his students with, “Now, I’m gonna eat my marshmallow candy chili in silence, and you all can jump. Up. Your own. Butts.”
  • The official The Good Place YouTube channel posted a video of Chidi making Peeps chili for 6 hours.
• Jason and Tahani announce they've gotten married... and then Larry Hemsworth shows up. Tahani's face is priceless.
  Eleanor: (aiming her phone camera at Tahani and Larry) Go ahead, Tahani. We're rolling.

The Ballad of Donkey Doug

• In general for this episode is the reveal that the person Jason calls Donkey Doug (of temporarily opposing dance crew fame) is in fact his father. Whilst watching the two interact, Tahani opines that this tidbit explains so much about Jason.
• The episode opens with Eleanor asking Janet what all her old friends really thought of her. Janet reveals a girl named Kylie thought Eleanor was cool, but also intimidating. Eleanor comments she thought Kylie was intimidating... so she shoved her into a creek.
• Since Janet doesn't have her powers on Earth, she can't just appear and disappear any more. She's taken to just sneaking around and saying "bing" to replicate her trademark chime.
  Janet: ...Don't look at me, it's embarrassing.
• Eleanor suggests that Chidi just ghost Simone completely.
  Eleanor: That's what I always did, and it all worked out fine!
  Janet: Actually, none of your exes ever got over you.
  Eleanor: [smug] Damn right they didn't.
• In one run of the simulation, Simone breaks up with Chidi before he breaks up with her, and handles it very kindly and maturely. Chidi is overjoyed... until "Simone" cracks up, revealing it's just Eleanor messing with him, speaking though the Simone avatar.
  • Eleanor then messes with Chidi again by pretending to be Janet pretending to be Simone.
• Eleanor decides to have a go at the breakup simulation when asked by Chidi to break up for him, and ends up flirting with Simone until they're leaning in for a kiss. But Chidi yanks her out of the simulation just as it was getting good.
• "More guys should be bi! It's 2018, it's like, get over yourselves!"
• One of Chidi's attempts involves giving Simone a puppy, and dumping her in-between gushing about how cute he is. She isn't having it.
• Michael, Tahani and Jason arrive at Jacksonville through Randy "Macho Man" Savage Non-International Airport. Jason hails a cab, which is a monster truck that runs over a normal car.
  • The smashed cab also has a Mindy St. Claire Charity ad on the roof.
• Jason explains that Donkey Doug was banned from Walt Disney World for biting Buzz Lightyear. "In his defense, he thought it was someone else."
  Tahani: Who?
• The revelation out of nowhere that Donkey Doug is Jason's dad, which Jason never saw fit to clarify.
  • A much subtler revelation is that Pillboi's name isn't typical street fare related to drug sales...turns out, he's called that because he distributes medication to patients at the nursing home he works at.
    • He also advises the elderly residents on the best combinations of the various prescription drugs that will give them pleasant side effects:
      Pillboi: Hey, now, listen, Judy, you can't mix Xannies with these little pink fools. You'll be tripping balls like Clarence was when he crawled into the ice machine.
      [laughs, then fetches another paper cup of pills]
      Here, take half of one of these, wash it down with a 5-Hour Energy, and you'll be golden. Body high with mild visuals.
• Jason introduces Tahani as his wife. It doesn't even slow Donkey Doug down.
  Donkey Doug: Dang, nice pull, son! [to Tahani] How about you and me go check out my Jacuzzi and put stuff in each other?
  Tahani: Again... I'm his wife.
  Donkey Doug: Wow, that's the first time that line has ever failed. You must really love him.
  • And as Donkey Doug is making the moves on Tahani, Jason's just in the background silently acting as a wingman for his dad hitting on his wife!
• Donkey Doug gets introduced to Michael and immediately thinks Michael's a cop, causing him to awkwardly try and hide the enormous bong in his hand. And Jason reflexively helps him, despite knowing full well that Michael isn't a cop.
• Donkey Doug and Pillboi's latest Get-Rich-Quick Scheme: Double Trouble, a combination energy drink/body spray.
  Michael: Do you spray it on yourself or drink it?
  Pillboi: You both it!
  • It comes in Raspberry Perspirant, Cedarwood Melon Blast, and Lemon Musk Extreme (which is also a lube).
• It was Tahani who inspired Elon Musk to send his car into outer space after he took her advice to "reach for the stars" too literally.
  Tahani: What a weird creep. Why was I friends with him?
• The restaurant Chidi is taking Simone to is named French Pressing Nemo, at the corner of Thatsnota Street and Thisisa Street.
• While trying to convince Donkey Doug to pursue his electrician's license, Jason reminds him that Donkey Doug has been able to get them free access to porn channels ever since the third grade. Michael then stares at Donkey Doug in mute horror for quite a while.
• After Jason decides to save Pillboi, giving Donkey Doug up as a lost cause, Tahani pays Pillboi a visit at work to tell him that the planned robbery is off:
  Tahani: Hello, Pillboi, I'm here on behalf of Jason. You won't be attending the job with Donkey Doug today. There's been a change of plans.
  Pillboi: Okay. [sniffs and stares blankly at Tahani]
  Tahani: [bemused] That's it? You don't need any more information?
  Pillboi: I mean, do you want to tell me?
  Tahani: Not really.
  Pillboi: Cool. Want some pills?

A Fractured Inheritance

• On arrival at Donna's current abode, Michael tells Eleanor they have to play it cool.
  Michael: Remember, this isn't about you.
  [Eleanor nods; cut to Donna answering the door]
  Eleanor: How could you do this to me?!
• Dave, Donna's boyfriend, asks Michael how he and Eleanor know each other.
  Michael: Let's just say that we... lived in the same... neighborhood. [winks at Eleanor]
  Dave: What a weird way to say a perfectly normal thing!
• Eleanor proclaims that she will do whatever it takes to prove that her mother is running a con, after she finishes the excellent margaritas Dave made.
  Michael: [drinking another one] I know, right? And I'm not even a tequila guy.
• Chidi rejoins Tahani after a thirty-second conversation with Kamilah where she told him that his fears were now hers. Dazed, he repeats what she said to Tahani, who rolls her eyes. Thirty seconds later, Tahani has buried a fire axe in a table, and Chidi announces to the world that his fears are very much his again.
• Tahani, while holding said axe and preparing to insert it into said table, yells at Kamilah that she has now become a mature person.
• At the end, Michael presents Dave with some completed architectural plans for his restaurant, perfect down to every detail, except he forgot the bathrooms. Michael spends a minute unconvincingly talking about how much he enjoys using bathrooms before deciding to wait in the car.

The Worst Possible Use Of Free Will

• The Arizona public library. It's naturally abandoned, is sponsored by GoDaddy.com, and has a poetry section filled with Jeff Foxworthy books.
  • Michael suggests they look up the Bible as "it's the only book in the sex ed section."
  • The clerk says they should probably go, as "when we close, they use this place to shoot pornos."
• Jason believes penguins are fictional.
  Jason: Dude, we can get mythical animals. Maybe I'll get a penguin.
  Eleanor: Penguins are real.
  Jason: That's the spirit, Eleanor. They're real to me, too.
  • Said penguin later shows up in a penguin-sized Blake Bortles jersey.
• Tahania is Tahani, but an even snippier version... who is also a centaur... that Tahani and Eleanor seem oddly attracted to.
• Eleanor's lizard, which likes to clamber all over her head.
• During a flashback to a reboot where Michael is clearly out of energy, he brings up a list of Eleanor's quirks, shames, and other embarrassments. Including a sexual attraction to Sam The Eagle, one-sided rivalries with Barefoot Contessa and Princess Jasmine as well as Neil Degrasse Tyson having a one-sided rivalry with her, a lifetime ban from the post office, the Ambien-Hamster Mishap, her mother introducing her to the maternity ward nurse as "her sister", her dad's fistfight with the entire Arizona State University financial aid office, and the kicker: Her father once forgot her birthday. So he changed her birth certificate so he wouldn't be wrong.
  • All that and more was listed on page 4,815 out of 162,342.
• The purple space bubble Chidi was trapped in.
• Michael dumps a glass of iced tea on Eleanor's head to snap her out of her funk. The waitress at the diner doesn't even blink as she hands them a towel, simply commenting this happens all the time — but that normally, it's the younger woman doing that to the older man.
• Michael's reasoning for said tea-dumping.
  Michael: Because I have free will. And because you're being so annoying.
• Then, after Michael leaves, she turns to Eleanor.
  Waitress: You might wanna head out, too. We're closing soon, and the second we do, they use this place to shoot porn.

Don't Let the Good Life Pass You By

• The episode treats us to a pairing of comedy legends Ted Danson and Michael McKean, with Doug Forcett's becoming an utterly selfless Extreme Doormat after his vision of the afterlife and Michael's horror at what he'd hoped would be a model for beating the system provides a new laugh every couple seconds.
  Michael: My name is Michael... Scoop.
  Janet: Oh boy.
  Michael: This is my photographer, Janet Scoop. She's my sister. We're the Scoops.
• Michael and Janet treating Doug as a massive celebrity is terrific as it slowly dawns on them the man has no clue as to what he's uncovered.
• Doug gives Michael and Janet a glass of water. Michael comments on the strange aftertaste, querying the water's source (possibly a local river or stream). Doug replies that his drinking water is derived from his own recycled waste...just as Michael takes another mouthful, which he disgustedly and hurriedly spits back into his glass.
• After the last several episodes of going around the world, Chidi is beginning to feel it.
  Chidi: I'm so jet-lagged I can't even regrender my chorf. (Eleanor looks at him) Don't even know what I was trying to say.
• Jacksonville Special Rules Pool. It has no rules and you score whatever you want. Jason marvels at how quickly Chidi gets it.
• When Doug accidentally steps on the snail, he desperately asks if anyone knows snail first-aid. Janet says yes before Michael elbows her.
• The panning shots of the graveyard for all the animals Doug has accidentally killed.
• Doug claims he wants to give more blood soon but can't because "the last time I went in, they claimed I was so anemic, they ended up giving me blood."
• Eleanor proclaims to Shawn that the Bad Place will never get Michael, as he and Janet are ten steps ahead of them. Instantly Proven Wrong in an epic way, as Michael and Janet immediately walk through the door:
  Michael: Doug was a complete disaster, and I drank his piss!
• At the climax of the episode, Janet goes nuts and starts whaling on Shawn's demons.
  Janet: (as Shawn keeps gloating) Screw this! Let's fight! (karate chops Shawn in the throat)
  • Eleanor has the expected reaction to said whaling.
  Eleanor: Is it just me or is Janet a straight up hottie right now?
  Chidi: How are you this close to being dragged to Hell and still horny?
  • Chris Baker is still going to the gym a lot.
  • As Chris attacks Michael, he sees how jacked Chris is (which is a lot, it must be said) and does a Double Take.
  • As Eleanor tells Chidi about how they developed feelings for each other in the reboot that Michael showed her, they're interrupted by a recovered Vicky... only for Eleanor to lay her out with one punch before continuing her explanation.

Janet(s)

• All the humans have survived the transition into Janet's void, but now they look like Janet.
  Michael: How are we supposed to tell them apart?
  [one of the Janets is excited they have boobs]
  Michael: Okay... that one's Jason.
• Janet!Chidi having a Freak Out:
  Chidi: I need to sit down. Where. Is. DOWN.
  Jason: (upside down, a long way off) It's up here! It's dope.
• "Neutral Janet," a completely deadpan, beige-clothed automaton who does nothing but give pure facts.
  Neutral Janet: The accountant will see you at some point in time. End of conversation.
• Janet describes Neutral Janet thusly:
  Michael: Is that a Good Janet or a Bad Janet?
  Janet: That's a Neutral Janet. She's sort of the black sheep of the Janet world. Or blank sheep, I guess. [flash of realisation] Ooh, I can throw shade now. That's cool.
• Neil, the head accountant, is a friendly guy who casually ignores all the horrible things about the point system, including the part where the guy in charge of weird sex things has been requesting to be put out of his misery.
• "And unlike most human activities, it's not a weird sex thing. 99% of all new human activities are a weird sex thing, but this it's n— Oh, wait, it is a weird sex thing."
  • He later notes that this particular weird sex thing is spreading so quickly because somebody posted about it on Reddit, and presumably, others are imitating it.
• During his tour, Neil shows Michael and Janet the accounting department machine at work.
  Neil: A couple from Osaka are having a destination wedding. That's negative twelve hundred points. Oh, and it's a destination theme wedding. Negative four thousand, three hundred. (smile fades) The theme is The Lord of the Rings. They're basically doomed.
• In order to placate Chidi, Eleanor summons a cute puppy. When she gets pissed, she tries to un-summon it, and instead summons dozens of puppies, which are increasingly cuter.
  • Janet warns them against summoning anything else, or else her whole self will break apart. While speaking in a cutesy-wutesy tone to the puppy and fondling its ears.
• While discussing the nature of memory and the self, Jason chimes in with a story how he has a tattoo he can't remember getting (it says "Jasom"). Chidi states this serves as an actual example of what he's talking about, prompting Tahani to ask, as everyone else is, "it does?"
• Eleanor pointing out how Chidi is dodging the subject.
  Janet!Eleanor: I know you're just barfing out Wikipedia in order to avoid talking about your feelings!
  Janet!Chidi: ... Let's talk about David Hume...
• Tahani and Jason accidentally come across Jason and Janet's wedding photos but instead of a date to mark the occasion, the photos are marked with "Jeremy Bearimy" with an arrow pointing somewhere on the "e" in "Bearimy".
• After much encouragement from Janet, Michael saves everyone... by knocking a cake out of Neil's hand and running away. It's the dramatic swell that sells it.
  Neil: The last corner piece! Nooooo!
• Throughout the episode, Janet is having strange reactions to having humans in her void, namely a long, drawn-out burp that turns into Cher's "Believe".
• Neil has a painting of the first altruistic act in human history: a caveman named Og giving his boulder to another named Grog. Next to it is what happened next: Grog killing Og with said boulder.
• The guy in charge of Weird Sex Things, Matt, shows up with a massive pile of paperwork, all from the last minute.
  Neil: Oop, looks like Burning Man's started. Buckle up, Matty, this is gonna be a long week!
• When it looks like Janet's about to melt down and destroy everything in the process, she tells Michael to marbleize her before it gets worse. He asks the Weird Sex Things guy for a paperclip, and Matt just replies, with an absolutely haunted look in his eyes, "What are you gonna use it for?"

The Book of Dougs

• When Chidi has to calm Eleanor down from having a complete breakdown about the fact that the Good Place is so close, yet so far ("That's like four Oreos, man!"), he tells her to take a deep breath, knowing fully well that TGP air smells like whatever makes you happiest. Eleanor's response?
  Eleanor: Okay. The smell of the barf from the wave pool is really helping.
  • This is followed by Chidi asking her "How? Why?" in an extremely patient how is this my life now and yet I'm extremely fond of you tone. Aww.
• Michael has to trick Gwendolyn in order to use the phone.
  Michael: Say, Gwendolyn.
  Gwendolyn: Hmm?
  Michael: I need to speak with the committee regarding an urgent matter.
  Gwendolyn: Oh, sorry, you'd have to contact them directly, and that's definitely against the rules.
  Michael: I see. How would I contact them, though, if it weren't against the rules?
  Gwendolyn: Well, by calling them on that phone, but I can't let you use it.
  Michael: Right, and even if it weren't against the rules, I don't know the number, and you wouldn't tell me.
  Gwendolyn: [chuckles] I couldn't. There are no numbers. You pick it up and it connects you to whomever you want, but you can't use it.
  Michael: Of course not. Just as a hypothetical—
  Gwendolyn: Mm-hmm.
  Michael: Is there any way that you would know if I did use the phone? Any kind of alarm?
  Gwendolyn: Golly, no.
  Michael: So, it's entirely untraceable?
  Gwendolyn: Sure is. What a fun thought experiment.
  Michael: You said it, Gwendolyn.
  Gwendolyn: Uh-huh.
  Michael: Say, is that a dog barking in another room?
  Gwendolyn: I doubt it, because I don't have a dog. But out of politeness and an abundance of caution, I'll go check. [leaves] Hello, doggy.
• The Good Place committee is initially unconcerned that there haven't been any humans getting in for the past five hundred years.
  Chuck: Well, there've been dips before. Remember like, two hundred thousand years ago, when they invented stabbing, and they were all just, like, stabbing each other?
• When the Good Place committee needs to discuss Michael's claims, they assign one of their number to compliment him while he waits.
  Michael: I thought I was gonna be annoyed by this, but it's wonderful.
• Perfectly illustrating the Good Place committee's Lawful Stupid nature, one of them resigns because he said "hear, hear" without first filing a memorandum.
• Michael figures out the flaw in the points system: One person gave flowers to his grandmother and won points, but another did the same thing and lost points because he did so using a cell phone made in a sweatshop, caused a negative environmental impact due to needing to deliver them, and the money went to a racist billionaire CEO who employs unpaid migrant workers and sends his female employees inappropriate pictures. Then he cheers and fist-pumps.
  Tahani: That is a very odd thing to cry about.
• Janet starts crying because Tahani was so nice to her. Then Tahani ("I'm British, I never cry") starts crying too, partially out of sympathy and partially because the carpet is so awful. Then, seeing Tahani and Janet crying, Jason comes over and starts crying. Because he just wants to be part of things.

Chidi Sees The Time Knife

• Michael trying to warn the humans about the International Hole of Pancakes.
  Michael: If you eat anything in this IHOP you will literally explode.
  Jason: Yeah, I know, it's an IHOP.
  Eleanor: [high-fives him without even looking]
• Everyone else is freaking out after viewing the Eldritch Location that is the IHOP (as human brains are only capable of even seeing three of the ten dimensions present), while Jason, The Stoner, has taken so many drugs in his life that he calms everyone down by assuring them that all they have to do is ride out the trip and in a few minutes they'll all wake up safe in Pillboi's broken hot tub. It works.
• In the IHOP, Tahani finds herself with a giant slug called a Niednagel around her shoulders. When she goes to touch it, everyone screams at her to stop. Even better, because it's named after the head of special effects.
• When the Judge pulls A Form You Are Comfortable With on the IHOP, the slug gets turned into a scarf. Tahani goes to touch it, and everyone screams at her again because it's actually still the slug.
• Chidi tries to argue their case to the Judge, including talking about the consequences of getting a simple organic tomato, but Jason interrupts him, to everyone's horror (Eleanor: "Well guys, we had a good run") and actually manages to convince the Judge that she should try living as a human for a while.
  • In the middle of his rambling explanation, he mentions it's illegal in Jacksonville to be in possession of a vegetable that isn't deep fried.
  • Gen's expressions through Jason's tale. Even for a more-or-less omniscient being, they still scream "what the hell am I hearing?!"
• Gen leaves to experience Earth. Just as Michael is saying they have no idea how long she could be gone, she returns, absolutely horrified after having toured the world.
  Gen: The first thing I did was I Googled "big, juicy natural tomatoes," which led me to a porn site that was for people with a sunburn fetish? And I kind of never recovered.
• When Gen is talking about all the ways Earth is complicated, Eleanor brings up the Chick-fil-A controversy.
  Eleanor: Like, there's this chicken sandwich that if you eat it, it means you hate gay people. And it's delicious.
  Gen: It is! It is so good.
• Shawn is called up to the IHOP to discuss a reform to the point system - while he was in the middle of torturing William Shakespeare by describing, in great detail, the plot of Entourage to him, while Shawn is acting it out with his hands.
• Chidi takes two steps in the boardroom and falls through an invisible portal because they're still in the IHOP. He then flies around the room, invisible and tiny, until Janet catches him.
  Chidi: I-I just saw... a trillion different realities... folding onto each other like thin sheets of metal, forming a single... blade.
  Michael: Yeah, the Time Knife. We've all seen it. Let's get back on track, bud.
  • The only further mention of the Time Knife is immediately after:
  Chidi: Right. So, as I was saying before I SAW THE TIME KNIFE!
  • He then immediately calms down and continues with his original point with no further interruption or distress, and the Time Knife is not brought up again. The writers chose to name the entire episode over this moment.
• Eleanor tells Chidi that in the new neighborhood they can chill out, relax, study philosophy...
  Chidi: Have sex...
  Eleanor: Horndog.
  Chidi: Nerd.
• Shawn says that Michael's suggestions of teeth-flatteners and bees with penises are terrible while very obviously writing it down. Moments later, Shawn says that he'll torture the humans with penis-bees and insists that it was his idea.

Pandemonium

• Because Michael is in the middle of a Heroic BSoD, Eleanor has to fill in for him. She does an excellent job, which just makes it funnier.
  Eleanor: This is Michael, my... assistant.
  Michael: [moans incoherently]
  Eleanor: He just transferred from Dog Heaven, so he's still getting used to people.
• Introducing John to Janet.
  Eleanor: Janet is a walking database of all the knowledge in the universe, and since you, John, seem to like asking a relentless number of questions, go ahead. Ask her anything.
  John: Okay, um, what's the craziest secret celebrity hook up?
  Janet: Drake and Ruth Bader Ginsburg, on and off for years.
• When the humans realize that all the new residents are personal rivals of theirs from Earth, Shawn gloats.
  Shawn: What's that thing you humans say when you're playing chess and trap your opponent into an inescapable position? Oh right. Eat butt, ding-dongs!
• People who arrive to the Good Place (or Michael's creations of it, anyway) remain dormant in a sort of waiting room until they're ready to be let in. Jason doesn't catch onto this.
  Jason: How are we going to make someone better when she's asleep the whole time? [to Simone] Hello?! [distressed] We can't work with this!
• Simone gets two froyo flavors at once: strawberry in a twist with "your male co-worker gets called out for stealing your ideas."
  Eleanor: Ooh, those go great together.
• "Chidi, have Janet translate this file. Tahani, prepare for the party tomorrow. Jason, do nothing, go nowhere, talk to no one."
  Jason: [dead serious] I won't let you down.
• Tahani mentions that she set up Drake and Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
• When Eleanor and Chidi explain the plan to wipe Chidi's memories—which will mean he and Eleanor won't be together any more.
  Eleanor: The Bad Place has pulled off the most intricate cork blork of all time. [realizes] Hmm, it's a nice touch that the cursing filter maintains the rhyme. I appreciate that attention to detail.
• Chidi tricked Eleanor into reading Paradise Lost by telling her that Satan was her type.
  Eleanor: A big, mean, bald guy with a goatee. I mean, he wasn't wrong.
  Janet: Oh, no. That's very on-brand for you.
• John's appearance in the Good Place causes Tahani to regress a little:
  Tahani: Janet, give me your opinion. Is this a savage insult? "Nice shirt. Who designed it? Marc Fake-obs?"
  Janet: For people in your social class, that is 84% savage. Although, there is a 29% chance he responds "Oh honey" in a tone so devastating you will think of it every day for the rest of time.
  Tahani: I like those odds!