History Funny / TheGoodPlaceSeason3

'''Michael:''' Yeah, the Time Knife. We've all seen it. Let's get back on track, bud.

* Jason explains that Donkey Doug was banned from Walt Disney World for biting [[WesternAnimation/ToyStory Buzz Lightyear]]. "In his defense, he thought it was someone else."

--> '''Janet:''' I don't know if he can die but I could drop a steamroller on his head. Oh, darn it, I can't summon things. I guess I could kick him with my...soft...feet. Earth ''sucks!''

* Shawn says that Michael's suggestions of teeth-flatteners and bees with penises are terrible. Moments later, Shawn says that he'll torture the humans with penis-bees and insists that it was his idea.

--->'''Tahani:''' Janet, give me your opinion. Is this a savage insult? "Nice shirt. Who designed it? Marc Fake-obs?"
---> '''Janet:''' For people in your social class, that is 84% savage. Although, there is a 29% chance he responds "Oh ''honey''" in a tone so devastating you will think of it every day for the rest of time.
---> '''Tahani:''' I like those odds!

-->'''Neil:''' A couple from Osaka are having a destination wedding. That's negative twelve thousand points. Oh, and it's a destination ''theme'' wedding. Negative forty-three thousand. ''(smile fades)'' The theme is ''Literature/TheLordOfTheRings''. They're basically doomed.

'''Janet:''' Oh, no. That's very on brand for you.

* Dave, Donna's second husband, asks Michael how he and Eleanor know each other.

---> '''Michael:''' ''[delighted]'' A bus? ''[laughs]'' Oh boy! Oh man! I'm gonna sit in a front-facing seat, or, no, no, may-maybe a sideways-facing seat. I'm, I'm gonna get so motion sick! Oh man! What do I do, just grab the key here? ''[reaches for key]''\\

'''Janet:''' Well I am glad that you got to chew a gumball.\\

* Michael declares that, having saved their lives, now he and Janet can "just sit back and watch as they become better people." Immediately cut to Eleanor declaring that "Being good is for suckers," Chidi being near-tears over deciding between muffin flavours, Tahani showing off her contacts to International Sophisticate Magazine, and Jason attempting to marry the cop who's arresting him. Particular highlights are these lines.

--->'''Chidi:''' ''[audibly stifling tears]'' Okay. I've made my decision. I want to... start crying. ''[walks away, then heads in the opposite direction entirely, wailing]''\\

--> '''Michael:''' I'm just gonna nudge the two of them together. Just, nudgey-nudge-nudge.\\

---> '''Michael:''' Oh yeah, I almost forgot, brought you a nice hot cup of antimatter.\\

---> '''Simone:''' This is your ventromedial prefrontal cortex, the centre of decision-making. This is where the magic happens. Do you see how it's all lit up? ''[Chidi nods]'' That's a flurry of activity that occurred when I asked you to choose between red and blue and you almost passed out.\\

'''Chidi:''' Huh, there are... actual answers here. Data you can observe and learn from.\\

--> '''Chidi:''' ''[to Eleanor, in the office]'' A few hours later, you walked in and asked for help. Now, I don't know if this is going to solve all of my problems, but it's worth a try, right?\\
'''Eleanor:''' Well thank you, sexy librarian guy.\\

'''Eleanor:''' Uh, well, I'm headed that way too, I'll walk with you. Hey, so... I've been trying to figure out how to pay you back for helping me.\\

'''Eleanor:''' At home, when I wanna get something nice for one of my friends, it usually comes in the form of something... edible. ''[Chidi shakes his head]'' You get what I'm saying? An edible? Thing?\\

'''Simone:''' I'm just kidding. Yes I would. Thank you for asking.

--> '''Michael:''' How are the two of them gonna bond?\\

--> '''Janet:''' You're pressing your luck. If you keep disobeying Mommy something bad is going to happen.\\

'''Janet:''' Uh. I don't have a mom so I've been experimenting with thinking of the Judge as... my mom. ''[laughs]'' It's weird. Forget it.\\

'''Jason:''' ''What!?'' No! Why!?\\

---> '''Cop on radio:''' That was easy.\\

'''Ramirez:''' Oh! Well then you're in luck! We only arrest people for robbery if they don't have a reason.

'''Jason:''' Oh yeah.\\

'''Michael:''' It's funny, but I know exactly what you mean. My goal in life used to be completely different too. I used to... rep this crew called the Demons.\\

--> '''Simone:''' So, this is our MRI machine. ''[Jason tries to touch it]'' Ooh, don't, don't touch that. Um. Each of you will get a chance in here eventually. Hopefully none of you is claustrophobic.\\

--> '''Jason:''' ''[holding something in both hands]'' Ooh, Mrs. Teacher, for my turn, is there any way to get, like, ''extra'' radiation?\\

'''Tahani:''' Oh my god!\\

--> '''Trevor:''' Whaddya say, E Street Band? You up for a segway tour of ''[in an Australian accent only slightly better than Michael's]'' Australia, mate? ''[holds up a hand]'' [[Film/CrocodileDundee This is a knife]]. On the barbie!\\

--> '''Trevor:''' Why don't you just go get us a round of beers.\\

--> '''Janet:''' I don't know if he can die but I could drop a steamroller on his head. Oh, darn it, I can't summon things. I guess I could kick him with my... soft... feet. Earth ''sucks!''

** Chidi realizes that he and Eleanor were becoming friends before the study began, and immediately panics. Eleanor decides to go to the bar and get him "a hot tea, or a regular-temperature Xanax." RealityEnsues as, given the kind of bar they're in, the only "tea" they have is a root beer that she got them to stick in the oven.

'''Michael:''' If you ask me, Chidi, you need to get over there. You know, spend time with the team. Though we do have a saying in the library game: Um... "There's only room for one male subject in an academic study, so... keep the one who got there first."\\

* Eleanor's concise summation of the other members of the study: "I mean, Tahani is... eh, but Jason, whoof, and Trevor, bleugh."

'''Simone:''' ''[attempting to do both simultaneously]'' Oh. I don't... dunno what to do.\\

'''Tahani:''' Frankly it is none of your business.\\

'''Chidi:''' Sorry. Uh, literally one second ago I was at the front desk. ''[looks at the wrench in his hand in puzzlement]'' Don't know where I got this. ''[chuckles]'' Anyway. Are you coming to class?\\

'''Michael:''' These four humans are all I care about in the universe. And there is nothing, I mean ''nothing'' that's gonna come between me and-\\

'''Gen:''' Do you realize what you did? ''You meddled in human affairs! That ripples out, man!'' Do you know how much weird stuff has happened because of your little experiment? England left Europe. That [[Film/TheGreatestShowman Hugh Jackman musical about P.T. Barnum?]] It made, [[LikeIsLikeAComma like]], four hundred million dollars. Also, the Jacksonville Jaguars, ''are good now.''\\

'''Gen:''' I'm serious! They're gonna make the playoffs! Blake Bortles is... kind of okay? Maybe? I don't know, it's... being debated amongst experts, it's confusing. But whatever it is, it's yo' fault!\\

* When Janet's powers come back online, everything she attempted to summon while on Earth appears in rapid sequence. Among the items produced are the steamroller, giraffe, and jetski she mentioned earlier, a turtle, several appliances, a tractor, a billboard reading "Trevor stinks! -Janet", a crane, [[CallBack an "Ugly Nick's Meat Trench" 24-hour restaurant, a lotion bottle labelled "time", and numerous cacti]].
** Additionally, she was apparently ''very'' determined to kill Trevor; the pile includes not only the heavy items but several grenades, a large bomb, a tank, a barrel labelled "poison", and a barrel with a ''radioactive warning label''.

'''Eleanor:''' ''How could you do this to me?!''\\
''[Michael throws his hands up in the background]''\\

'''Eleanor:''' ''How could you do this to me?!''

** Chidi realizes that he and Eleanor were becoming friends before the study began, and immediately panics. Eleanor decides to go to the bar and get him "a hot tea, or a regular-temperature Xanax."

---> '''Michael:''' It was incredible! The, the, the traffic? The ''pigeons!'' And I saw this place that was at once a Pizza Hut ''and'' a Taco Bell! I mean, oh! The mind ''reels!'' A Pizza Hut ''and'' a Taco Bell! Ah!
** And in the ticker-tape room with Janet:

* Michael declares that, having saved their lives, now he and Janet can "just sit back and watch as they become better people." Immediately cut to Eleanor declaring that "Being good is for suckers," Chidi being near-tears over deciding between muffin flavors, Tahani showing off her contacts to International Sophisticate Magazine, and Jason attempting to marry the cop who's arresting him. Particular highlights are these lines.
** Then Michael and Janet inspect Chidi's tape with concern. Cut to Chidi at a stand whose sign declares it "We Crumb From a Land Down Under":

'''Jason:''' Kay, will you make me the happiest man in the world and agree to be my wife?\\

'''Uzo:''' ''[incredulous]'' ''That's'' the lesson you take from this? Chidi. Your brain is broken. You need to fix your brain. ''[storms off]''
** Chidi them takes his advice and sees Simone, a neuroscientist, who trolls him about what she plans to do to his brain before agreeing to his plan despite him dropping in unexpectedly and using up her resources and money. Even funnier is that to illustrate his decision-making problems to her, he can't choose between chairs and awkwardly sits on their arms.

'''Chidi:''' Is it too late to pick blue instead.\\

'''Eleanor:''' Well thank you sexy librarian guy.\\

** After Vicky complained about never getting to use her Australian accent, now Michael is doing one instead.
* In the tape room, Michael is pleased and assumes nothing can stop the humans from being good people. [[GilliganCut Cut to Shawn striding into a room full of demons working at computers]]]. Glenn asks why Shawn cares about these four humans in particular, considering they torture tens of billions of humans already. Shawn gives him a DeathGlare, cocoons him, cocoons Todd just because it's fun, and then asks Val for uplifting music. When next we see Shawn, he's cocooned nearly everyone there.

'''Eleanor:''' Uh, yeah. A few. I wrote down... "What?", "Huh?", and then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read "Aristotle" I thought it was pronounced like "Chipotle". Wait a minute. Is it "chipitottle"?\\

'''Chidi:''' Please don't buy me drugs.\\

'''Chidi:''' Brown. Wh- uh, uh, what?\\

'''Simone:''' Yes I am.\\

'''Chidi:''' ''Uhhhh.''\\

-->'''Chidi:''' Th-l-listen, th-the point is, Eleanor and I have ''nothing'' in common, ''except'' that we both almost died and it made us wanna be better people. This is my thesis idea: I will explore the effect of near-death experiences on ethical decision-making! I will get a group of people together who have had near-death experiences and ask them ethical questions and see if there's any commonalities!\\
'''Simone:''' That's great! Why are you yelling it at me!\\

'''Reginald:''' Um. [[MoodWhiplash That I can't come to class tomorrow 'cause my grandma died?]]\\
* Among the posters visible on the board where Chidi puts up the notice of their study is one reading [[FreezeFrameBonus "Vote Sackett: Every criminal deserves a third chance."]]

--> '''Tahani:''' ''[narrates over her clearing out her massive wardrobe]'' In that very moment, I decided to change my life. First I cleansed myself of all the worldly possessions that had been weighing me down like anchors; the dresses, the jewels, I gave them all to Goodwill. That's what I call Prince William. Since he'd married a commoner, I assumed he'd know some needy people they could go to. Then, I deleted all my celebrity contacts from my mobile. ''[in flashback]'' Goodbye Bono. Goodbye The Edge. Goodbye The Edge's real phone number that even Bono doesn't have. ''[narrating]'' And most importantly, I put physical distance between me and my old life. ''[in flashback]'' Book me a flight to Tibet. I'm going to live in a Buddhist monastery. I need to get out of the spotlight.\\

''[cut to Tahani on stage advertising her book, "Get Out of the Spotlight", with blurbs reading '"This book is so brilliant, I've decided to quit writing, because I'll never top it." - Malcom Gladwell' and '"Ditto." - Cormac [=McCarthy=]']''\\

'''Tahani:''' ''Ugh''.

--> '''Eleanor:''' Oh, if you need a place to crash while you get settled my motel has a pull-out sofa, although as I say that and I look at you and your whole thing I realize that's absurd and you should probably just get your own place.

--> '''Michael:''' 'sup, bud? I've been looking for you.\\

'''Michael:''' But - wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, you heard what my name was, right? Zack Pizzazz?\\

'''Doug:''' Listen, you know you're my boy, but this sounds like a lot of work. Good luck. ''[the two perform a strange handshake ending with pointing at each other and saying "pew pew", then hug]'' Donkey Doug out. ''[several other dancers follow him]''\\

'''Jason:''' Naw, Li'l Peanut. We're gonna do this the right way. No more crime. And if you don't like that you can walk out that door. Right now.\\

'''Jason:''' What? G- Come- We still got like thirty-five people, so, let's get to work!

---> '''Gatorbait:''' Quick announcement: Will the owner of a 1998 Toyota Tercel with golden pythons painted on both sides, license plate "GOTMILF", please see an usher; your car has exploded. ''[enthusiastic]'' Alright, y'all ready for the next act? Please give it up right now for Dance Dance Resolution!\\

'''Jason:''' ''What!'' No! Why!\\

'''Jason:''' ''[to Michael]'' So, I walked out of that bar, came down to this wharf, threw a rock at a snake, met a guy named Zack Pizzazz, talked to him about my crazy year that I've had which started when I was locked in a safe-\\

'''Jason:''' A year ago if you had asked me to run a dance crew in Atlantis-\\

'''Trevor:''' [[GilliganCut Who wants]] ''[[GilliganCut lemon baaaars!]]'' It's my nana's recipe, and they are just ''sinful''. Love 'em on my lips but hate 'em on my hips, if you know what I mean.
** In general, Trevor spends the entire episode convinced he's a genius BitchInSheepsClothing who's expertly manipulating the humans, when in actuality he simply comes off as an obnoxious, clingy jerk and so they barely pay any attention to him.

--> '''Trevor:''' Sweet outfit. Dick Tracy called; he said you're a buttface and he's been plowing your mom.\\

'''Michael:''' ...Dick Tracy called back on his watchphone and said you better watch out! ...Shoot. Second too late.

--> '''Trevor:''' Whaddya say, E Street Band? You up for a segway tour of ''[in an Australian accent only slightly better than Michael's]'' Australia, mate? ''[holds up a hand]'' This is a knife. On the barbie!\\

'''Trevor:''' I think it would be supes fun. We could play pranks on each other for my vlog-\\

''[Eleanor looks away after a [[{{Beat}} beat]]]''

'''Tahani:''' Could be fun. I once played a drinking game with Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively at their macrobiotic farm with a particularly robust batch of homemade kombucha. ''[winks]''\\

--> '''Janet:''' I don't know if he can die but I could drop a steamroller on his head. Oh, darn it, I can't summon things. I guess I could kick him with my... soft... feet, Earth ''sucks!''

'''Michael:''' ''[gestures agreement]'' Do that first, then I'll tell you what I'd do in situations such as the one you're about to describe. I've been in every situation. 'cause I'm a librarian.\\

--> '''Trevor:''' Hey, E-dog, get over here! It's trivia night! First round questions are all about Logan Paul, and you know I'm Lo-gang for life!\\

--> '''Chidi:''' Hey, do you think I should-\\

'''Chidi:''' Thanks. ''[turns in a full circle]'' Where's outside.

* The Doorman takes the time to try out a sink faucet while he's on Earth, declaring it "pretty cool."

'''Gen:''' Do you realize what you did? You meddled in human affairs! That ripples out, man! Do you know how much weird stuff has happened because of your little experiment? England left Europe. That [[Film/TheGreatestShowman Hugh Jackman musical about P.T. Barnum?]] It made like four hundred million dollars. Also, the Jacksonville Jaguars? Are good now.\\

'''Gen:''' I'm serious! They're gonna make the playoffs! Blake Bortles is... kind of okay? Maybe? I don't know, it's... being debated amongst experts, it's confusing. But whatever it is, it's yo fault!\\

* When Janet's powers come back online, everything she attempted to summon while on Earth appears in rapid sequence. Among the items produced are the steamroller, giraffe, and jetski she mentioned earlier, a turtle, several appliances, a tractor, a billboard reading "Trevor stinks! -Janet", a crane, an "Ugly Nick's Meat Trench" 24-hour restaurant, a lotion bottle labelled "[[CallBack time]]", and [[CallBack numerous cacti]].
** Additionally, she was apparently ''very'' determined to kill Trevor; the pile includes not only the heavy items but several grenades, a large bomb, a tank, a barrel labelled "poison", and a barrel with a ''radiohazard warning''.

'''Doorman:''' ''[points at the door]'' They escaped.\\
'''Gen:''' ''[exasperated]'' Yeah. Thanks, Jeff.

* Michael and Janet desperately trying to hang up on the Judge, who can see what they're doing, and gets more irritated with them.

* Michael and Janet find an abandoned floor to use as their base of operations.

-->'''Chidi:''' I guess these people... came as they are?

-->'''Eleanor:''' ''(in a bad British accent)'' And a fabulous St. Ploopington's Day to all! ''(back to normal accent, as she backs out of the room)'' USA! USA! USA!

'''Chidi:''' {{God is dead}}! God remains dead, and we killed him! Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we need to invent?\\

-->'''Eleanor:''' In America everyone does what they want, society ''did'' break down, it's terrible, and it's ''great!''
* Chidi's breakdown. First he strips off his shirt at the park when the sprinklers are turned on. Next he goes to the supermarket and buys a whole lot of canned chili, Marshmallow Peeps, M&Ms, and almond milk. When told that he can't be there without a shirt, he takes a woman's t-shirt that reads "Who, What, Where, Wine" off the rack and puts it on. Then he gives his credit cards to the cashier to pay for it all and keep them, along with his car keys. Finally, he takes all the food he bought and makes chili out of it. In his classroom in the middle of class.
-->'''Chidi:''' You put the Peeps in the chili pot and eat them both up, you put the Peeps in the chili pot add the M&Ms, you put the Peeps in the chili pot and makes it taste....baaaaad.

* Since Janet doesn't have her powers on Earth, she can't just appear and disappear any more. [[SayingSoundEffectsOutLoud She's taken to just sneaking around and saying "bing." to replicate her trademark chime.]]
-->'''Janet:''' ...don't look at me, it's embarrassing.

* The revelation out of nowhere that Donkey Doug is [[spoiler:Jason's dad]], which Jason never saw fit to clarify.

---->'''Pillboi:''' Hey, now, listen, Judy, you can't mix xannys with these little pink fools. You'll be tripping balls like Clarence was when he crawled into the ice machine.\\

* The restaurant Chidi is taking Simone to is named [[WesternAnimation/FindingNemo French Pressing Nemo]], at the corner of [[Film/CrocodileDundee Thatsnota and Thisisa streets]].

-->'''Pillboi:''' Okay. '''[''sniffs and stares blankly at Tahani'']'''
-->'''Tahani:''' '''[''bemused'']''' That's it? You don't need any more information?

''(Eleanor nods. [[GilliganCut Cut to Donna answering the door]])''\\

* Chidi rejoins Tahani after a thirty second conversation with Kamilah where she told him that his fears were now hers. Dazed, he repeats what she said to Tahani, who rolls her eyes. Thirty seconds later, Tahani has buried an axe in a table, and Chidi announces to the world that his fears are very much his again.
* Tahani, while holding a fire axe and preparing to insert it into a table, yelling at Kamilah that she has now become a mature person.

** Said penguin later shows up in a penguin sized Blake Bortles jersey.
* T'Hania is Tahani, but an even snippier version... who is also a Centaur... that Tahani and Eleanor seem oddly attracted to.

* During a flashback to a reboot where Michael is clearly out of energy, he brings up a list of Eleanor's quirks, shames, and other embarrassments. Including an attraction to [[Franchise/TheMuppets Sam The Eagle]], one-sided rivalries with Barefoot Contessa and [[WesternAnimation/{{Aladdin}} Princess Jasmine]] as well as UsefulNotes/NeilDegrasseTyson having a one-sided rivalry with ''her'', a lifetime ban from the post office, the Ambien-Hamster Mishap, her mother introducing her to the maternity ward nurse as "her sister", her dad's fistfight with the entire Arizona State University financial aid office, and the kicker: Her father once forgot her birthday. So he ''changed her birth certificate'' so he wouldn't be wrong.

* [[NoodleIncident The Purple Space Bubble Chidi is trapped in]].

* Jacksonville Special Rules Pool. It has no rules and you score whatever you want. Jason marvels at how quickly Chidi gets it.

* Eleanor proclaims to Shaun that the Bad Place will never get Michael, as he and Janet are ten steps ahead of them. InstantlyProvenWrong in an epic way, as Michael and Janet ''immediately'' walk through the door:

* At the climax of the episode, Janet goes ''nuts'' and starts wailing on Shawn's demons.

** Eleanor has the [[InLoveWithYourCarnage expected reaction]] to said wailing.

** As Chris attacks Michael, he sees how jacked Chris is (which is a [[MrFanservice a lot]], it must be said) and does a DoubleTake.

* Neil, the head accountant, is a friendly guy who casually ignores all the horrible things about the point system, including the part where the guy in charge of weird sex things has been requesting suicide forever.
* "And unlike most human activities, it's ''not'' a weird sex thing. 99% of all new human activities are a weird sex thing, but this it's n- Oh, wait, it ''is'' a weird sex thing."

-->'''Neil:''' A couple from Osaka are having a destination wedding. That's negative twelve thousand points. Oh, and it's a destination ''theme'' wedding. Negative forty-three thousand. ''(smile fades)'' The theme is ''Lord of the Rings''. They're basically doomed.

-->'''Neil:''' The last corner piece! Noooooo!
* Throughout the episode Janet is having strange reactions to having humans in her void, namely a long drawn out burp that turns into Cher's "Believe".

* Everyone else is freaking out after viewing the EldritchLocation that is the IHOP (as human brains are only capable of even seeing three of the ten dimensions present), while Jason, TheStoner, has taken so many drugs in his life that he calms everyone down by assuring them that all they have to do is ride out the trip and in a few minutes they'll all wake up safe in [[ItMakesSenseInContext Pillboi's broken hottub]]. ''It works.''

* Shawn is called up to the IHOP to discuss a reform to the point system - while he was in the middle of torturing Creator/WilliamShakespeare by [[CoolAndUnusualPunishment describing, in great detail]], the [[TakeThat plot]] of ''Film/{{Entourage}}'' at him, while Shawn is acting it out with his hands.

-->'''Chidi:''' Right. So, as I was saying before I [[SuddenlyShouting SAW THE TIME KNIFE!]]

-->'''Shawn:''' What's that thing you humans say when you're playing chess and trap your opponent into an inescapable position? Oh right. Eat butt, you dingdongs!

-->'''Jason:''' How are we going to make someone better when she's asleep the whole time? ''(To Simone)'' Hello?! ''(Distressed)'' We can't work with this!

** [[BiTheWay Eleanor]] has the [[InLoveWithYourCarnage expected reaction]] to said wailing.

* During a flashback to a reboot where Michael is clearly out of energy, he brings up a list of Eleanor's quirks, shames, and other embarrassments. Including an attraction to [[Franchise/TheMuppets Sam The Eagle]], one-sided rivalries with Barefoot Contessa and [[Disney/{{Aladdin}} Princess Jasmine]] as well as UsefulNotes/NeilDegrasseTyson having a one-sided rivalry with ''her'', a lifetime ban from the post office, the Ambien-Hamster Mishap, her mother introducing her to the maternity ward nurse as "her sister", her dad's fistfight with the entire Arizona State University financial aid office, and the kicker: Her father once forgot her birthday. So he ''changed her birth certificate'' so he wouldn't be wrong.

* Everyone else is freaking out after viewing the EldritchLocation that is the IHOP (as human brains are only capable of even seeing three of the ten dimensions present), while Jason, TheStoner, has taken so many drugs in his life that he calms everyone down by assuring them that all they have to do is ride out the trip and in a few minutes they'll all wake up safe in [[ItMakeSenseInContext Pillboi's broken hottub]]. ''It works.''

* Everyone else is freaking out after viewing the EldritchLocation that is the IHOP (as human brains are only capable of even seeing three of the ten dimensions present), while Jason, TheStoner, has taken so many drugs in his life that he calms everyone down by assuring them that in a few minutes they'd all be safe in Pillboi's living room. ''It works.''

* Eleanor proclaims to Shaun that the Bad Place will never get Michael, as he and Janet are ten steps ahead of them. [[InstantlyProvenWrong]] in an epic way, as Michael and Janet ''immediately'' walk through the door: