Funny / The Battle Cats

With a game this strange, there's bound to be tons and tons of hilarity.

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• Hell, the entire concept of a good deal of the cats is hilarious. You expect normal cats and big cats, only to get sentient legs, humanoid cats, ancient deities, gigantic cat-like abominations, Stripperific Animesque furry warriors, world-destroying dragons, and giant murderous robots. And that's only scratching the surface. This game would give Warrior Cats a run for their feline money!
• Most of the Cats' descriptions in general. Here's just a few.

Normal Cats

Macho Leg Cat: Every day is Leg Day. Mastered the Art of Leg.

Lion Cat: Thinks quick, acts quick, and uses his head. Uses his mane to clean the house.

King Dragon Cat: Don't ask how he made it into the Dragon Elite.

Special Cats

Gato Amigo: Out to bring joy to the senoritas of the world. He's never been to Mexico, he's just a Mariachi nerd.

Tricycle Cat: The coolest Cat on the block. Can't ride a real bike — parents said no.

Leaf Cat: Has the only important point covered. Not sure if it offers any protection.

Lollycat: Used to be ashamed to go into battle exposed, but a kind cat came along and lent a hand... err... lollipop.

Cramped Cats: Capsule Cat felt lonely and posted an ad for roommates. Overestimated the space in his flat. It's always cuddle time, whether they like it or not!

Cat Bros: Living happily in a plastic bubble. No need for the outside world!!! (Don't make them a role model, kids...)

Secret Base: A homemade fortress as resilient as the $0.75 budget allows. Tough against various attacks, except moisture... a bit weak against that.

Cooldown Cat: Hogs the fan after getting out of a hot bath. Attack style shows his aggressive selfishness.

Coin Cat: An invaluable collector's item! Only 9 billion were produced!

True Valkyrie Cat: Changed to her final form. Troubled because God keeps hitting on her.

Cat God the Great: At long last, Cat God has joined the fight! His holy sneeze knocks back all but Metal enemies, and his Omni-strikes are pretty cool too.

Filibuster Cat X: An ancient lifeform once annihilated by the power of Doge, but now restored with super glue.

Filibuster Cat Y: Mystery Cat once thought lost to the universe. Updated his paint job with a more slimming color.

Ururun Wolf: "I swear allegiance to those who defeated me!" No one asked. Joined the Cat Army anyway.

Masked Yulala: Joined the Cat Army, saying "The Law of my clan is to serve the strongest of warriors!” Cool story, bro.

Mystic Yulala: Remade his holy mask in the image of his new Cat Army comrades. It really embarrasses his 12-year old daughter.

Schoolbus Nyandam: His nature won out and now he rules the kindergarten with an iron fist. ALL WILL KNEEL.

Rare Cats

Wheel Cat: Got tired of changing wheels of vehicles so became one instead. Spins so fast it burns.

Solar Cat: Got tired of moving around so decided to become a galaxy instead.

Sanzo Cat: On a journey to save souls through enlightenment. Mostly just beats up the local wildlife, though.

Doctor Cat: His medical philosophy is "Hair of the Dog". If it doesn't kill ya, it must be working, right?!

Robocat: Captured by an evil organization and remade to be an unstoppable, merciless android who knocks back Black. (So cute, though!)

Psychocat: Bends metal when excited. Loves cereal, but always ends up with a useless spoon before he can eat.

Neo Psychocat: His happiness opens up extradimensional portals. Don't accept his invitation to play catch-ball.

Rover Cat Mk II: Cutting edge NYASA Cat probe. Transmission power is so advanced that it even gets the dirty channels.

Catellite: Experimental NYASA satellite made for remote observation of areas as far as the corner store.

Ritual Cat: This world is too brutal and unfair to tolerate! Primitive rage has overtaken him. Why flame on social media when you can flame IRL?

Adult Cat: This Cat reached legal age and started to drink. Don't mind the ropes.

Sick Cat: This cat drank a bit too much. Everything in moderation!

Prisoner Cat: After the 20th wine cooler, he had to be locked up for his own good!

Gentleman Cat: A very well dressed cat. Until... just call the police.

Kite Cat: Her mission is to bring more smiles to the world. Sexy Legs complains about getting smacked in the face though...

Food Stall Cat: Planning to corner the grilled calamari market. Forgot to pay taxes, so now business takes place on the run.

Delivery Cat: Brings gifts from the Cat God for you! Of course, it's all cash-on-delivery. Best pay up or risk divine wrath.

Eggy Cat: Dressed to the nines for Spring! Didn't think about ease of movement when choosing a look.

Noodle Cats: Always fast, cheap and delicious! This describes both the Cats and their noodles.

Clockwork Cat: Rushes the enemy with mechanical haste. No idea how it is moving... any ideas?

Super Rare Cats

Dancing Flasher Cat: Someone you don't want to see on the street. Dances skillfully to keep the game kid-friendly.

Nerd Cat: Completely fearless... until leaving his basement. Net denizen who is famous for flaming.

Cyberpunk Cat: Having mastered cyberspace, he's moved on to losing his shirt in the cryptocurrency market.

Juliet the Maiko: Romeo turned out to be a real jerk. Now aiming for a total image change (and a cute samurai lord).

Cat Toaster: Fed up with making toast every day, went on strike by firing bread at Dad's face.

Angry Delinquent Cat: Throwing a fit of rage because his dad ate his ice cream that was in the fridge.

Surfer Cat: Spent so long hunting the perfect wave. Now he's reached 40 without truly living life(?)

Castaway Cat: Says he wants to escape his desert island, but he's secretly enjoying his permanent vacation.

Metal Macho: Metal skin reduces all damage taken to a minimum. Proud of his beautiful skin, leaves his arms uncovered.

Gold Cat: Rolled in gold dust for a luxurious look. ...though it is just the same old cat.

Gold Macho Cat: Rolled in gold dust for a luxurious look. Says it aimed for the no-sleeve look but painting its arms just slipped its mind.

Cat Base Mini: Who can say why, but this Cat has undergone rigorous training to become a splendid fort. His wave attack is actually just loud yelling.

Cat Base Jr.: Bought a cosplay helmet by mail order. Likes to stalk strangers while pretending to be a tower; his wave fires if he gets too excited.

Cat Base Ultra: Through sheer willpower, transformed themself into the ideal Cat Base with cutting-edge LAZERBEAMS! Still makes pew-pew mouth noises when firing.

Prof. Cat Jobs: Won the Nyabel Prize in economics last year. His debate skills can confuse enemies so badly, they lose much of their offensive power.

Sniper the Recruit: Before the battlefield, boot camp. Only given a potato gun, so don't expect TOO much knockback from his super long-distance attack.

Sniper the Heavy: A grim assassin who never fails a contract. Still uses potato guns for the extra challenge.

Crazed Cat: The basic cat. Crazed version gains godspeed. But his legs are too short...

Manic Flying Cat: This manic flying object shows no mercy, firing light beams to destroy whole cities from range. More power! More range! Muahaha!

Catway: A tech CEO who patrols the office in style, looking for lazy interns to punish!

Drone Cat: A cutting edge Unmanned Aerial Feline (UAF), Tends to crash regularly... tech still under development!

Time Traveller Cat: A future timeline's envoy to the present Cats. Often time slips into the movie theater for free...

Catornado: Wanted to skip school so badly, he became a typhoon to cause a national weather alert.

Uber Rare Cats

Ice Queen Cat: Forgot to mention that the Cat is an eternal icicle. Don't think it complains much.

The Chaos Moon: Almost annihilated the galaxy once... Oops. That can happens when you design an AI with no conscience.

Sarukani: Won best supporting actor as a li'l monkey for "Selfish Persimmons". Everyone hates working with him.

Rock Revengers: The kids Sarukani did wrong formed the metal act: Causin' Effect. Revenge is a dish best served heavy.

Almighty Zeus: Weak to Hera's anger, Strong vs. Angels.

Sea Maiden Ruri: A mermaid NEET from the mystic seas. Dreams of cute boys who'd risk drowning to save her.

• Tank Cat. The unit goes from being able to move a pebble to being able to move a "small rock". Then, when it achieves its final form, it's strong enough...to lift two small rocks. What improvement.
• The descriptions for most of the Crazed Cats are fairly serious, simply stating the new abilities they gain. However, Crazed Lizard Cat doesn't get any new abilities, so the game goes with:
  Crazed Lizard Cat: Crazed version supports High Definition.
  • Later on, for its True Form:
  Manic King Dragon: Unmatched attack and superior graphic power. At least he says so.
• Sodom's evolved form, Earth King Sodom, states that Sodom "shifted to [his] final dragon form". Later, for his true form God-Emperor Sodom, it clarifies that Sodom "unlocked his FINAL final dragon form".
• Momotaro's description casts him as a Blood Knight off to find anyone stronger than he is... only for his evolved and true forms to completely compromise on this, showing Momotaro lazing about on a Cool Car and having his friends fire heavy weapons at the enemy while he drinks.
  The Peach Angels: A road gang of wild cats who realized that effort and results are two different things.
• The Iron Legion Ubers are funny to look at in all their forms, for different reasons.
  • In their normal forms, the poor mustache cat and eyepatch cat are always forced to do hard work to keep the machine going. Mighty Bomburr and Mighty Rekon Korps are particularly brutal to these two: in the former, they have to pedal like mad to keep the primitive flying machine aloft, while in the latter, they have to run inside a giant wheel on the machine to keep it rolling.
  • In their evolved forms, the mustache cat and eyepatch cat catch a break, but the giant machines they pilot are full of Funny Background Events with the rest of the cat crew. There's always a chef cat on the machine, and all of them have laundry hanging off of them to dry... even Orbital Platform Armageddon, which is a Kill Sat. B.C.S. Lionheart in particular has a cat wearing an inner tube at the top, being forced to Walk the Plank... and occasionally, it'll try to sneak back on board, only to be forced back onto the plank at gunpoint by another cat.
  • The true forms are mostly the same... with the addition of a fat cat eating rice, tucked away on some portion of the machine. Amusing enough by itself, but it's even better when it gets involved in a Funny Background Event; it gets bonked on the head many times by the chef cat during B.C.S. Tigerclaw's attack animation, futilely waves around its bowl of rice and spoon while floating in space outside Orbital Annhilator Ragnarok, and gets levitated into the air and zapped when Ultima Atlantis Logistix attacks. It counts as a Freeze-Frame Bonus when it shows up on Subterra Sentinels.
• The descriptions for True Form upgrades for every other unit just state what they'll get from the evolution. However, Cat God the Great's breaks the fourth wall in the same way as his other descriptions.
  Y'know, I'm kinda thinkin' about evolving myself. But I don't think anything but a Gold Catfruit will do. Maybe try the Shrine?
• Elder Mask Doron's attack animation:◊ at first looking like it's going to explode, the mask shatters, revealing Doron's hilariously simple-looking real face, causing him to get embarrassed (with accompanying Luminescent Blush) and leave.
• Similarly, most enemy descriptions.
  Snache: Uses watercolours for body paint. So... naturally weak against water. This information has nothing to do with the game content whatsoever.

  Ginger Snache: His lovely red locks inspired a master's thesis on reptilian hair care. The hair dye is still watercolor, and this information still means nothing.
  Sir Seal: Came to the big city from the quiet seaside. Wanted more attention so dyed his body red.
  Teacher Bear: A kindergarten teacher. He LOVES children. His sharp claws are not suited for the job. Not related to a certain other bear. No one knows his real name.
  The Face: Too strict a diet resulted in no body. No one knows why he is floating. Seriously, anyone? (Don't try this at home)
  Dark Emperor Nyandam: Angry that he isn't allowed to drink anything alcoholic. Shows off by pretending to drink. The glass is filled with coffee jelly.
  St. Pigge the 2nd: Ancestor of Pigge. Second queen of pig kingdom. In a few days, will be shipped as organic bacon (She doesn't know yet)
  Master A.: Knows all the dirty stuff. His friends from middle school admire him and call him Master. Dating experience: zero.

  Professor A.: Even though he's still a college undergrad, his research into dirty stuff is so in-depth and thorough that his friends call him Professor. Dating experience is still somehow zero.
  THE SLOTH: The scariest of all animals manages to get off the tree... Unfortunately, moving is too much so he says he wants to go home now.
  Owlbrow: Doesn't look his age. He's 78. The doctor told him to walk more. Complains a lot because he is treated as a Floating enemy when he is just walking.
  Bore: Always thought his name was the correct way to spell what he is. Turned really red after introducing himself. "I am a bore"
  Camelle: Born in Saudi Arabia and loves to go to the sauna. His special ability's to close his nostrils, he doesn't know that all camels can do it because he has no friends.
  Kory: A really eccentric koala. He was kicked out of the zoo for food bills so is now freeloading at Gory's house. Gory is going to kick him out soon too.
  Gabriel: Great-granddaddy of the Doge clan. Watches to make sure his descendants keep up their studies: sleeping in class earns a bite from the old man!
  Heavenly Hippoe: A Hippoe who yearned for a halo. Styled his hair into wings... which makes him the next best thing to a Pegasus. Amirite?
  Wall Doge: A Doge who stole Wall Cat's schtick and turned herself into a wall. Didn't predict that other Doges would use her to replace missing dominoes.
  Sunfish Jones: A sunfish named Jones. Yeah, so what? Shaped like a stealth bomber, and therefore undetectable by radar systems. Actually, that's how he got into heaven.
  Angelic Sleipnir: The eight-legged god-horse of Norse myth. Has to spend most of his paycheck on footwear, so usually spends his weekends staying in and gardening.
  I.M. Phace: A cameo from hit show Face Force 5. Came to protect Earth but went rogue after getting annoyed by smartphone users ignoring him at dinner.
  Ursamajor: Visited Earth on a cruise, but strayed from the tour group and got left behind. Works at NASA hoping to sneak onboard a rocket.
  Kroxo: Overcame his eye condition to get a degree in interior design. His philosophy is "Simple is Best"; turns out he just paints it all blue and takes the rest of the week off.
  Nimoy Bore: His bowl cut helps contain the force of his rational power. Looking for a dashing starship captain to help him learn how to feel. Clears the way with logic and tusks.
  Mistress Celeboodle: Only daughter of the most powerful political dynasty of Centauri year 1192. Beauty, brains, wit... and yet she married a chihuahua reality TV "star".
  Alpacky: Camelle super-glued cotton balls to herself to become an Alpaca. Allergic to the fibers, so she can't stop coughing and spitting, but she's too proud to admit when she's wrong.
  Zoge: Doge's late father, buried several years ago. Even the grave couldn't stop him from worrying over his kids' grades. Only showing a report card can put him permanently to rest.
  Croakley: eSports pro famous for rage-quitting during tournaments by using his tongue to hit the reset button. Guess that's one way to maintain a perfect win-loss ratio...
  Spacefish Jones: A bioweapon bred by Space Doges for surprise attacks on Cat outposts. Invisible from the front, but since this game is in landscape mode, its stealth is not effective.
  Relic Doge: Ancestral nemesis of the Cat Empire. Serious and hardworking like any Doge, but sometimes thoughtlessly lets a Curse out when focusing hard. Oops, sorry about that!
  Li'l Zyclone: Beloved nephew of childless uncle Zyclone. Has his mother's toughness and father's timid spirit, combining them into a hungry little storm who hides at the first sign of danger.
  Croconator: Croco volunteered for cyborgization to become the most powerful member of his clan. They ran out of budget partway though, but he makes the look work.
  Ragin' Gory: Corporate warrior sworn to an evil multinational. His eyes are bloodshot after days of overtime, and seeing the new guy leave after 5PM has driven him berserk.
  Cerberus Kids: A trio of netdwellers who sold their souls by clicking on an Aku spam recruitment email. Used to be low-level Red enemies, now successful entrepreneurs investing in Evil.
  Le'Behemoth: Made a deal with the Aku: his soul for a set of very hard to come by photos... no further questions. Grew a shield to better protect that priceless photographic collection.
  Fallen Bear: An elite ambassador of the Aku Realms. With a firm handshake and a beaming smile, his physical bargaining is beyond reproach. If things go sour... an atomic drop also works.
  Wicked Face: No one dares approach this all-powerful Aku! Is what he thinks, but its really that he has a terrible personality and is carrier of a variety of foul bacteria (Source: Aku Researcher)
  Zapy: Capy was having a wonderful hot spring holiday… until she unexpectedly died. A real jerk who protects her corner of the bath by Warping other visitors far away.
  Crocodylidae Kurocroc: Gator who fell in love with the wild after trying out stealth camping. Covered their steely body in BBQ charcoal dust to better stalk prey throughout the primeval wood.
• The Boxing Kangaroo enemy Kang Roo has an Alien variant called Scissoroo that has scissors for hands. When it attacks, it shoots lasers out of them. It then does a little silent Evil Laugh after the attack connects.
• One Horn's description pokes fun at his terrible movement speed. The description of his much stronger Alien counterpart, Cyberhorn, isn't much better.
  Cyberhorn: A killing machine tasked with one purpose: stop cat pictures from being posted on the internet. Meant to join for Chapter 1, but he was too slow to catch the bus.
  • Then we get to Metal One Horn. You would think becoming a cyborg would make him unstoppable, but...
    Metal One Horn: A One Horn who underwent cybernetic enhancement. He can intercept radio signals and dispatches almost instantly. Still never makes it in time.
  • Finally, we have Oldhorn, who has 2.4 million health. This amount of HP seems to come with a downside, however…
    Oldhorn: An ancient prophet who learns of impending doom by time-traveling. His time-trips aren't very accurate, so by the time he gets home the bad stuff has already happened...
• Even the most deadly or terrifying enemies are not immune to the slapstick comedy the game doles out.
  Assassin Bear: Licensed to kill. The global financial crisis isn't helping though. Please check the flyers. He's offering one million per kill now.
  Cli-One: Her mission: start the apocalypse and destroy all human life. Accidentally landed on the moon. Now just makes craters out of boredom.
  Corrupted Valkyrie: Received the dog lance Woofnir as a gag gift at a bachelorette party. Her mind is now clouded with rage against all things feline...
  Raging Bahamut Cat: Finally got the zipper on his costume unstuck, now he is free and unstoppable!
  Cruel Angel Clionel: This mystical being is humanity's salvation... or destruction. But for now, it's too busy being an overprotective single parent who protects its kids with ultra long ranged attacks.
  Hannya: Wore a creepy mask as a joke, transformed into a flesh-eating demon. That can happen. Breathes pure corruption born of vengeful hate. The normal Face isn't so bad anymore, eh?
  Daboo of the Dead: "The best zombie is an educated zombie," is what Poppa always said. It's just back issues of trashy horror comics inside that ominous cover, though. Immune to all negative effects.
  King Wahwah: Born in year 1196 of the cosmic calendar, he earned a crown through his military service and advancement of the sciences. Annoyed that his kid brother is more famous for a reality show.
  The Cat God: Hey, it's me, Cat God. You look like you're having a good time reading my character text. It's almost my bath time, though, so...

  Cat God: Hey there! It's me, everyone's favorite Cat God! Hope you had a real good time in Cosmos Ch. 2! Life in the real world can be tough... I actually had to move back with my mom last week...

  Final Boss Giga-God: Oho, we meet again! Cat God isn't defeated that easily! Yeah, you've done okay in that last Cosmos chapter, I guess. Maybe you've finally earned the right to be my sidekick...
  Infernal Tyrant Nyandam: After 560,000 years, returned to our world in the form of an infernal tyrant to take a photo for a blind date. Plans to impress them with his height, high grades, and high blood sugar.
  Grand Mage Mimon: Horrific enchantress who resides in the deepest depths of a labyrinth. Subjects victims caught in her traps to unending stories with no punchline, always about her big brother in the Aku Realms.
• After Gamatoto returns from an expedition, the game will provide an adventure log filled with two-part, randomly-generated messages for what happened while you were away, and some of them are just classic. Among other things, Gamatoto (or any of his helpers) can be groped after meeting Moneko, go bankrupt during a self-help course, defeat a supreme evil while in the car, inspire an anime while trying to catch a butterfly, get hit on by a stranger with Teacher Bun Bun, nearly die of shame after a failed one-liner, treat himself in the women's locker room, and much more.
• Meta: Together with the rerun of Evangelion Collab in 2021 (and celebrating the release of Rebuild 3.0+1.0), PONOS released this song. Try not to laugh at the visual remake of the original Opening, or listening to Yoko Takahashi singing with nothing but "nyaa"s.

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