Funny / The Bane Chronicles

The Bane Chronicles follows everyone's favorite Warlock through eleven stories from his past as he rolls through one misadventure after another with his usual flair, wit, and fashion sense

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What Really Happened In Peru

• The Resolved Noodle Incident of how Magnus got himself permanently banned from ever visiting Peru again which semi-remains unresolved as according to the ending not even Magnus himself knows. He just one day received a message from the High Warlock of Peruvian warlocks that he was never to return on pain of death for "crimes unspeakable". Despite his attempts at inquiries, to this day it remains a mystery just what Magnus did to get him banned from a whole country.. Instead we get three misadventures and a Running Gag of clarifying that, no, this isn't what got Magnus kicked out of Peru for life.

The Runaway Queen

• The story of Magnus Bane's rescue of Marie-Antoinette and her family for a chance to romance the Swedish Count Axel von Fersen. Yes, really.
  • Among the things Magnus finds attractive about him are his black hair and blue eyes, that he is a Count, and that his name is Axel. He also plans their planning session for the escape as a romantic dinner and the Count still doesn't quite get it. Until Magnus spells it out that "seeing him again after" is the reward for helping with the rescue. Then Axel is very receptive especially after he assumed Magnus turning down money was a sign of patriotism.
  • The day of the escape, Magnus has a morning that includes a What Did I Do Last Night? which includes him somehow finally obtaining a companion monkey. He promptly names him "Ragnar". Even better is that his butler Claude shows no reaction to this including agreeing to giving the monkey a leash, food, a bath, and a hat with housedress.
• Magnus hasn't quite grasped being Genre Savvy yet and thus assumes that everything with the rescue with Marie and her family went without a hitch, meaning he has enough time to make his obligated appearance at the vampire party. Then Marie, who got separated and lost, is found and brought to the party.
  • Magnus manages to bullshit his and the queen's way out of this by magically knocking her unconscious and claiming that she's a peasant that he magically altered physically and mentally to think she's Marie Antoinette. It's for a (fictional) client with a particular taste who wants to do to her what the queen's been doing to the French peasants for years.
  • He gets himself and Marie Antoinette into a room and in a moment of awesomeness, uses his magic to summon a hot-air balloon from across Paris. Unfortunately, he's tired himself out and needs to wake Marie up so she can climb into the basket herself... and she promptly freaks out and runs around the room, throwing various items at Magnus. When she stops upon hearing Axel's name, Magnus doesn't waste a second and simply shoves the Queen of France out of the window. Oh and it's glamoured so that no-one, including Marie, sees it, so naturally she thinks she is floating in the air and faints. The poor woman then has what can be described as a truly traumatic hot air balloon ride as she alternates between freaking out and fainting the whole time, ending with Magnus crashing into the Serene river.

Vampires, Scones, & Edmund Herondale

• Following a disastrous meeting regarding peace between the Shadowhunters and Downworlders, which would be the precursor for the Accords, Magnus is walking through London, plotting on ways to meet Camille again. During this, he muses that "attractive and interesting people simply don't fall out of the sky": cue Edmund Herondale, who is quite attractive, doing just that by jumping down from the top of a nearby building. Magnus' reaction is apt:
  Magnus: [To the Heavens]] Devastating ensembles made on Bond Street with red brocade waistcoats do not simply drop out of the sky!
  Edmund: I beg your pardon?
  Magnus: On, nothing, nothing at all.
  • Even better is the comic illustration included in the book collection which depict Magnus throwing his hands up in the air as he's doing it.
• The reason Edmund has tracked down Magnus? Several of his elders warning him that Magnus is a "dangerous warlock known for sin and debauchery" that the young Shadowhunter should in no way interact with. Naturally this is exactly what Edmund does the first chance he gets. Cue a night on the town between Magnus and Herondale.
• Magnus' rules of life: 1) never decline an adventure, 2) avoid romances with sea creatures, 3) always ask for what you want because the worst thing that can happen is embarrassment and the best thing is nudity, 4) demand ready money up front, and 5) never play cards with Catarina Loss (she cheats).
  • Edmund notes he'd love to meet a woman who cheats at cards since the only one he knows is Granville's aunt Millicent. Magnus is surprised at the idea of Shadowhunters playing cards since he assumed their idea of fun is weapons training and going on about their own superiority over everyone else.
• Edmund showing where Jace gets a great deal of his personality from including sarcasm, love of danger, being a Casanova with women while being a skilled warrior. This includes falling in love with a woman who doesn't buy his bullshit for a minute.

The Midnight Heir

• The story starts when Magnus takes note of James Herondale drunkly shooting up the card club he's at because Ragnor bet the Shadowhunter couldn't shoot the lights off a chandelier in his state. Oh and it took about twenty minutes after he started doing for Bane to notice because he was too captivated by the room's decor.

The Rise of the Hotel Dumort

Saving Raphael Santiago

The Fall of the Hotel Dumort

What to Buy the Shadowhunter Who Has Everything

• Magnus spends most of the story on choosing a birthday present to give to Alec. Elyaas (who is a demon) advices him to get a mixtape.
  Elyaas: "Kids love mixtapes. They are the cool 'in' thing right now.
  Magnus: "Was the last time you were summoned in the 80's"
  Elyaas: "It might have been"

The Last Stand of the New York Institute

• Magnus meeting a group of Circle members in 1989 which includes Lucian Graymark (aka the future Luke Galloway), Stephen Herondale, and Maryse and Robert Lightwood. Despite the tense situation (they're trying to execute a pack of werewolves who have loose connections to the ones who killed Valentine's father) there's a couple of funny moments:
  • Lucian makes a remark that quickly leads Magnus to decide he hates the guy.
  • When Maryse declares she fights in the Circle's name for a better world for her son (Alec), Magnus tells her point blank he doesn't care about the world she wants or her "doubtless repellent son". Well you that now Magnus but...

The Course of True Love (And First Dates)

The Voicemail of Magnus Bane

• This story consists of recovered voicemails from Magnus' phone from various characters following Magnus and Alec's brief falling out in City of Lost Souls. Some are absolutely hilarious.
  • Izzy's reaction is a sight to behold, being a mixture of Little Sister Instinct and Shipper on Deck with a dash of Sanity Slippage. She swings between trying to encourage Magnus and Alec back together, and wanting to kill the warlock for breaking her brother's heart.
    • At one point she calls posing as a lawyer claiming that she has witnesses and documentation proving Magnus and Alec are common law married; thus their break-up would entitle Alec to half his holdings. She immediately drops this façade and admits her "lawyer" is Church but insists that they have a case and the cat has never lost a lawsuit.^note This is better when one remembers that Vampires, Scones, and Edmund Herondale establishes that Magnus hates being rich meaning that he'd likely would've given half his stuff to Alec just to call Izzy's bluff.
    • Another message has Izzy showing up at Magnus' house and telling him she's breaking down the door. After a Beat she admits she would've already done that but Magnus' apartment is warded, calling him a "stupid warlock cheater" for it and demanding he open let her in so that she can kill him.
    • Her last message is her apologizing for her behavior since apparently several people had told her what she had done "could be construed as harassment."
      Izzy: I feel I was being pretty reasonable the entire time, and playing it pretty cool, but I’m told that from an outside perspective it looks like I might have slightly lost my head.

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