Funny / Sorrowful and Immaculate Hearts

• "Gotham's Favorite Son" is Tumblr's take on Bruce Wayne, and so naturally has a few:
  • The story about Bruce buying 299 boxes of Thin Mints and 1 box of Samosas from a girl scout, and refusing to explain why the 1 box of Samosas.
  • "If Luthor went around town unguarded all of Metropolis would take turns kicking him in the balls."
• "Anti-Social"
  • Chapter 1: Tim Drake discovered the Batcave while he was searching for the wifi. "I might have hecked up" indeed.
  • Chapter 3: Tim literally walks up to Wayne Manor and asks to live there/be adopted, and Bruce just rolls with it.
    "This mansion is mine now. I have dibs."
  • Dick visits right after dropping out of college. Tim surreptitiously films what appears to be a tense confrontation between Bruce and Dick... which actually turns into Bruce dragging Dick's mullet.
  • Chapter 7, "Bruce Wayne Banned From Walmart," in its entirety
  • Chapter 8, featuring Bruce playing video games with Tim. He’s perfectly fine while playing Five Nights at Freddy’s, gets Barbara to play Super Smash Bros. for him to prank Tim, and is baffled by the lack of kale in video games, going so far as to start up a studio specifically to make kale-themed video games.
• Nominal: Bruce has a spreadsheet titled "Reasons I am sad". There are tabs for Legitimate:

  "I watched my parents get murdered"
  "Watching my parents get murdered is apparently not enough for some people."

  • Illegitimate:
    "I've been pronouncing 'chupacabra' wrong and I just found out."
  • Questionable:
    "I'm 99.99% sure Ra's al Ghul is a white guy but I'm white so I can't say anything about it."
    "I just have to keep my mouth shut while he tells people he's the immortal leader of a secretive society of assassins from the mystical Orient. He actually says 'the Orient'."
    "He's been doing this for years and I don't understand why no one has said anything."
  • And, by far the longest list, Petty:
    "Can't mention I'm sad about being an orphan without Clark going :/"
    "I get that your planet's dead but this isn't a contest."
    "There is no graceful way for a database to distinguish between villains who need help, and assholes."
    "420: I am a grown man and I cannot take this number seriously."
    "Tim keeps using the monitor setup in the Batcave to watch cartoons about gay rocks."
    "I should have put this in a database but I didn't think it'd get this long."
    "Tried importing this into Access but it crashed."
    "Called Bill about his shitty software but it turned into a conversation about malaria."
    "Donated a half million to fight malaria, Access still doesn't work."
  • And while the list that eventually replaces it, "Reasons not to be sad" is largely an exercise in heartwarming, one collection of entries stands out; Tim draws a little mustache man with a monocle popping out in the corner of what he thought was a cheap painting, but turned out to be an original Dali that Bruce won at a charity auction. To Bruce, "This is the funniest fucking thing that has ever happened", and he's having it framed in a much nicer frame, one with a plaque on it, and he's hanging it in corporate headquarters where everyone can see it.
• Batman gives the creator of the Batman TV show some suggestions.
• The Iguana Talk.
• "Matches" reveals that Bruce's criminal identity actually started with a bad Columbo impersonation, and he got stuck with it.
  • Dick freaking out over it. And his complaining because Bruce really can't tell a story worth shit.
• "AUX": The Justice League in a road trip.
  • Green Lantern was stuck with Superman singing Carly Rae Jepsen. In her voice. Dancing. For two hours.
  • Batman putting Green Arrow in a Ford Fiesta.
  • Flash bemoans he never gets attractive battle damage - it's always that rip right over his singed eyebrow or the fat roll on his butt...
• "Let's Dance": The premise? The Justice League is stuck watching a ghost ballet. The ghosts are stuck in a loop because they're missing their male lead and they need a backup dancer to lift the curse, buuuuut...
  • Of the Leaguers assembled, nobody knows how to dance ballet except for Flash and Batman.
  • Flash only knows the Nutcracker, and then only the "girl parts" because he learned them to show his support for a friend.
  • That leaves Batman, who can not only dance ballet because of course he can, but is casually knowledgeable about the act structure of Swan Lake because of course he is. Superman assures Batman they won't make fun of him for his "sacrifice". The other Leaguers refuse to commit to that until the Dark Knight threatens them with blackmail.
  • Wonder Woman and Green Lantern really get into the ballet.
  • Batman doffs his gloves, cape, and cowl to better dance his role. Wonder Woman holds onto them for him- by wearing them herself.
  • Superman's abject hatred of ghosts
  The Flash's face scrunched in vague confusion, looking Superman over. "Who hurt you?"
  "A ghost."
• In "Hostile Work Environment", Clark rescues Lois from getting arrested at the cost of her dignity. Her reaction is represented by an imaginary headline:
  Local Reporter Murders Other, Inferior Reporter
  Victim Totally Deserved It, Witnesses Report
  Scientists Baffled By Number Of Knives Able To Fit In Human Body

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