Nine: Oh my God, this is Pioneer Nine. I'm on a space probe. (...) You have to get me out of here! You have to get me off this thing! I'm not supposed to be here! I'm trapped on uh, hold on, I'll get the coordinates, I'm at ... Ten: Listen to me. You are not on a space probe. Ten:You are a space probe.
After realizing that they're a space probe, this is Nine's response:
Juice: yeah Ten: Why Juice: is there any explanation you would possibly find satisfactory Ten: No
One of the reasons why it isn't really feasible anymore to score in one of the alternative end zones... is because someone moved the BoJangles that had been set up on the field.
Juice: they thought it was hopeless to try to score as the game was originally drawn up, but they still wanted to play. so they did their best to grab a little land for their own end zones. but they couldn't acquire any territory in between them, and those territories don't like players stompin' about on their fields. so that game's kinda not feasible these days. especially because they moved the bojangles. now bojangles is right in the way.
Juice: i firmly believe that on a long enough scale of time, we could see a kroger in oregon kroregon krogeron nevermind Ten: i am going to crash into the next asteroid i see
you know what actually, wolferine kind of sucked its like oh no here comes magneto, he can fly around and he can literally throw trains and destroy cities whenever he feels like it but don't worry everybody i'll stop him because my uh fuckin uh, my hands are big forks
YOU'RE A DRAWING OF BUTT ASS NAKED PEOPLE THAT'S HURTLING THROUGH SPACE AND FOR NO REASON like imagine a million years from now you reach some far off galay [sic] that's nearing entropy and like nothing ever moves around anymore its just still for thousands and thousands of years and then you come zoomin through whoooooooooooooooshhhhhhhhh "heeeeeeee'res A DICK"
Before the worldwide network of nanites that protect humans from injury "ruined shit," he used to track every garden hoe in the world just to watch people step on the teeth. If there were no other witnesses, he hacked cell phone towers and texted the victims to let them know he'd seen what happened. They had no idea what was going on because the probes had yet to officially make contact.
When Juice starts talking about the 500 Game, he mentions the cannon used for it being located in Denali. Nine interrupts in confusion, as their onboard scratch data lists the location in question as Mount McKinleynote As this data was recorded prior to the name change in 2015.. Juice's response?
Nine: So there's eight million people on Earth, and literally nobody even Juice:wait how many did you say Nine: Eight million? Juice:million Nine: Million. Juice:BILLION. Nine: Wait No, Ten said million. Juice:OH MY GOD
After Ten pressures Juice into switching the feed to the cannon, as it's about to go off, we wind up... in Chicago.
Ten: Did Did you just search for "tall shit"? Tell me the truth. Juice:no (Beat) yes
The "Typo Game" mentioned in Garbage Football. A permit for a long-distance game had typos in the field dimensions, so the field ended up 1,000 yards wide... and one yard long.
The game that is the focus of the Garbage Football chapter, with a field stretching from Mexico to Canada but as wide as a regular football field, and standard 11 player teams. It gets worse when the field goes over a canyon with near-sheer sides.
Thuy: And then ... they just fell off a cliff. Roger: That's really fun to say. Because you know, we're always figuratively saying, "oh, they fell off a cliff." Like, their offense stalled out or something. No, they fell off a cliff for real.
They're still playing down there, over 12,000 years later.
The first chapter of 20020 has Juice's completely ridiculous college football game, with 111 teams, 111 footballs, and 111 fields all intersecting across the US. Ten and Nine are amused and horrified when they learn its scale.
One of the radio broadcasts we are exposed to in the first chapter concerns the employees of a Cracker Barrel calling the cops to help assist a man who had gotten bored in the parking lot.
"What the fuck is a Nature's Valley? It's like yeah, every valley is a nature valley, dumbass."
Apparently, while Ten and Nine were hibernating, Juice drafted up a reorientation exam for Nine specifically. And it really does show.
Test: Thank you. Nine: OK Test: Your answer is very much appreciated. Nine: ... Test: Hope you are doing well! Nine: Juice did you write this test? I know this is you. Test: Okay, bye! Nine: bye (pause) Test: Hello again! This is the test speaking. Nine: FUck you man Test: Would you like to be friends with me? Nine: sdkjbhjkjbfbjlsnvkl Test: It is very lonely being a test! The essay question is the closest I ever get to having a conversation! Please don't go! Save me! I love you! Nine:asss ass ass ufck ass fuck ass
Nine eventually gives up on Juice's exam and re-enters the conversation... only to then return back to the exam after learning JUICE was giving a lecture about his game... only to re-exit the exam after learning that Juice had some interesting suggestions for how basketball should be improved.
SECTION 5: OBSERVATIONS. In this section, the test administrator will offer some interesting observations about the world. This section is about him, not you. Please answer with interest and enthusiasm. 1 – In my view, basketballs should be filled with heavy whipping cream. Over the course of the game, all the dribbling may eventually whip the cream into butter. This will surely make the basketball more difficult to dribble. However, the winning team will be awarded a delicious basketball filled with butter! Pretty neat! Nine:EXIT PROGRAM
For a while, Juice was convinced Delaware didn't exist. Then, after talking to someone who was there, he dropped it... and instead adopted the theory that Maine doesn't exist.
Nine: AAAAAAAHH!!!! Juice: HAAAAAAAAAA AHAHAHAHA EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME I LAUGH. EVERY TIME IT'S AN ASSHOLE Ten: It's an asshole! It's a gigantic steel asshole. Anyone who says otherwise is delusional. Juice: man what i wouldn't give if i had an asshole like that i would take shits that you would not believe i would form nebulas Nine: WHAT IS THAT THING Ten: Sometimes I forget how much you haven't caught up on. It's a delight. That is Mercedes-Benz Stadium, home of the Falcons. Every day, architects went to work, sat down, designed this thing, and thought, "I am not drawing a butthole." Taxpayers read the news and nodded: "We are not funding a butthole." Construction workers labored for years, seething through gritted teeth: "We are not building a butthole." And then one day, they realized they'd built a butthole.
While waiting for Ten to locate Nick and Manny, we are treated to a view◊ of the lower right of the (remaining, non-flooded) United States, including the bare minimum of what remains of Florida.
Chapter 4 climaxes with an Epic Fail play where a thrown football gets stuck in the back of a passing pickup truck and driven into multiple fields on its route, all with the driver never noticing. And two of Georgia's players are having sex during the play.
November 8th, 20020: Happy Birthday to Pioneer 9! March 2nd, 20021: Happy Birthday to Pioneer 10! May 20th, 20021: Happy Birthday to the JUpiter ICy moons Explorer! September 3rd, 110083: Passing by dwarf star HIP 117795!!! :) January 14th, 2091659: Passing by red giant Aldebaran!!!!!!! :) :) :)
Ten: Yes. Yes, I do.
Ten and Nine giving Juice shit for being professional.
Manny: I'm not sure how much of this you remember, since we submitted it a long time ago, but basically– Juice: Oh don't worry. I'm quite familiar. Ten: ("Oh, Don't Worry! I'm Quite Familiar!") Juice: (SHH) […] Juice: I see! I'm happy to assist. I'll tell you what, I'll send some relevant rule documents and we can review them together. I'm sure we can find a solution. Ten: (Look at this fucking herb! "Oh Yes Sir! Oh I'm Happy To Assist, Sir!") Juice: (lady i am at WORK ok) Nine: (lol you have a job) Juice: (you know what fuck yall im taking this private)
We get a better scope of what popular culture becomes in a world without death via Juice mentioning the existence of "a retro 14000s-style rappabilly band where the drummer is a rapper".
Even though the broadcast is only being done for the satellites themselves, Nine promptly shoots down Juice's attempt at having the "sponsor" be Lunchables Sushi.
Juice: with a crisp cracker roll and a ham filling, you'll Nine: NOPE.
Chapter 8 sees a brief detour into the world of Illinois chess. And to give you an idea of how chess has progressed in the 17776 universe, the comments section for "People believe this shit?" is filled with people horrified about its existence. And not only that, Jon himself repeatedly stated on Twitter howinfuriatinglydumb this gets.
To better(?) explain: at first, it seems like chess had taken cues from Monopoly (with certain pieces having monetary values, squares having rent values, and one player being the banker)... and then the Rook factory is introduced.
Chess Player: Rook factory. Every four turns I get a rook now. If I annex a third adjacent property, that accelerates to three turns. Lori:Okay! Uh, capturing on d4 then. Gotta bust up your factory. Chess Player: Can't do that. Lori: I can't? Chess Player: No, sorry. You need to build a Consortium first. (long pause) Lori: How do I do that? Chess Player: To build a Consortium, you move both Bishops to the same file and leave them there for ten turns. For those ten turns, you can't move a piece. Basically, building the Consortium counts as the move. Lori:This is something else.
And then we get to "the Arbitration phase", which requires clearing the table in order to expand the board. And from here, it becomes clear that chess also took cues from Dungeons and Dragons:
Chess Player: To win Arbitration, you must defeat the Knight, Bishop, Pawn and Rook you see before you. Beware the Four Sanctums, traveler! Wizards and warlocks await ye! Goblins and ghouls ‘round every corner!
In chapter 9, as Juice is explaining UAB's strategy, he offhandedly makes the analogy: "it was like watching someone sitting on a park bench on a nice day, leisurely reading analyze that cover to cover". (Analyze That is a film.) A couple paragraphs from him later, Ten cuts in, having processed what he was implying, and they spend a good while getting sidetracked by that and unearthing Juice's bizarre train of thought.
Ten: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It took me a minute, but I think you think Analyze That was a book. Juice: uh alright i'll be honest, i saw an Analyze That lunchbox and just assumed it inspired a book at some point Ten: There was a [Beat] Hang on [Longer beat] Tell me about this lunchbox Juice: it was uh, it was like a lunchbox that had two guys on it and it said Analyze That on it Ten: And you thought they wrote a book based off it Juice: y– yeah Ten:So like the foundational work for an entire book would be a lunchbox With two random guys on it And the words Analyze That with no explanation or context Juice: sure why not? seems like there's a lot there Ten: Nevermind Nine:Ha, love it when you stop punctuating. It's like you're groaning. It's endearing. Ten: Fuck you there is nothing endearing about me Nine: True. All the charisma in the Pioneer family was passed down to me.
In chapter 9, as Val gripes about mosquitoes, it cuts away to a news article revealing that she ran for senate on an anti-mosquito platform, as a member of the Fuck Mosquitoes party.
Bryce: Hey wheres the bathroom Linda: Oh, it's right around the corner there. Just down there and make a left. Bryce: OK (long pause) Linda Hon? Hon it's not over there! That's the front door. Gunner:Where are you goin'? You're gonna step off the field! He's gonna step off the field! Son, you've only got 10 seconds to make it back before you're kicked out of the game! Son, what are you doing? (cut to the map, showing Bryce sprinting away before getting ejected)
And then Juice goes into Commissioner Mode in order to inform Bryce that he is expelled... only for Bryce to state "Fuck you bitch" and hang up instantly.
Coach E planning out a route with Oklahoma State, and their subsequent speech about how they can make history by capturing Nick and Manny, is repeatedly interrupted by a guy with his phone unknowingly unmuted, having difficulty navigating a lake.
Ten: From the From the what? (Beat) Sometimes it's kind of a fun puzzle to try to discern what the fuck you're talking about. Juice: i am a blessing to all who surround me
Juice is practically offended to learn about the existence of a Confederate general, one with severe delusions of grandeur despite being so shit that Grant decided it would be better for the Union to not capture him, who is named General Gideon J. Pillow.
.YOU'RE A DRAWING OF BUTT ASS NAKED PEOPLE THAT'S HURTLING THROUGH SPACE
