Funny / Saints Row 2

Funny pages are for post-viewing discussion; they assume you've already played the work in question and as such are spoiler-free.

Story

Prologue

• Johnny Gat and Aisha asking you (after coming out of a coma and a possible gender change operation), "Did you do something with your hair?"
  • Which culminates in the bonus mission.
    Julius: You look different. Did you do something—-
    Boss: I didn't do shit with my hair!
• A blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment in the intro cutscene of "Appointed Defender": After the Boss smashes a bottle in a regular's face, the text crawl on the TV news reports "Man hit by bottle in bar".
• Johnny's trial in "Appointed Defender" is awesome.
  Judge: Mr. Gat, you've been convicted of over 300 murders. Do you really expect this appeal to work?
  Johnny: I figure with the statute of limitations, it really should be closer to 250.
  Judge: There's no statute of limitations for murder!
  Johnny: Why the fuck not??
  Judge: Watch yourself, Mr. Gat.
  Johnny: Or what, you'll hold me in contempt of court? You're already planning on giving me the chair, you think I give a shit about you not liking me? Fuck off…
  Judge: I'm curious to see if you can keep your cavalier attitude when over 2,000 volts are running through your body.
  Johnny: Oh yeah? And I'm curious to see if you can keep acting like a douchebag when I shove that gavel up your ass!
  Legal Lee: My client would like that stricken from the record!
  • Then the Boss enters the room to bust Johnny out and holds up a cop. The cop drops his gun, which discharges. Everyone ducks for cover (except for Johnny, proving how much of a badass he is), but Legal Lee pokes his head out from behind the desk, capping the scene off with another CMOF.
    Legal Lee: Uh, anybody hit and need a lawyer?
  • It's also amusing during the escape afterwards to see the judge come after you with a shotgun.
• When first meeting with Aisha and discussing setting up a new hideout for the Saints.

  Aisha: And where are you planning on having this little meeting? (Boss and Gat look at each other, thinking for a moment, then start looking around her house). No.
  Gat: Well, this place is pretty spacious.
  Aisha: No.
  Boss: The colors are very soothing.
  Aisha: No!
  Gat: Come on, Eesh!
  Aisha: This ain't no fuckin' gang clubhouse!
  She turns and puts her foot down. She has spoken. Gat, badass extraordinaire, turns to the Boss with a pussy whipped expression and concedes.
  

  • Both Gat and The Boss get actually get spooked a little by her insistence. Two hardcore gangsters are spooked by a popstar.

The Brotherhood

• Carlos getting mouthy during the Brotherhood mission Waste Not Want Not when escorting you to the mainland after stealing some toxic waste:
  Pilot: Ya know, if people would stop trying to kill me, I'd have a better chance at getting us back.
  Carlos: Bitch, bitch, bitch...
• The Boss, in the intro of "The Enemy of My Enemy" (one of the final Brotherhood missions), proves themselves to be the worst skee-ball player ever. As in they basically start throwing the skee-balls overhand like someone would throw a baseball, and they're still missing.

The Ronin

• The first cutscenes showing the leaders of The Brotherhood and The Sons of Samedi are mostly played straight, showing the player what kind of ruthless psychos run them. The one for The Ronin, however, shows whiny Shogo Akuji, who is too busy telling Jyunichi to speak in English to worry about the fact the Saints robbed his casino. Jyunichi bows and apologizes, but when there's a knock at the door, he springs back up, sword at the ready. Shogo's reaction is to shake his head and casually open the door, showing a waiter bringing in a cup of tea (presumably Jyunichi's) and a bottle of booze (Shogo later slams the door on the poor guy when he asks for a tip). After grabbing Jyunichi's sword, cutting open the bottle with it, and sitting back down, Shogo tells Jyunichi to let HIM worry about the casino, and just worry about "Whatever the FUCK I tell you to worry about." Oh, and to round it off, he says this line while ordering a hooker in the room to give him a blowjob.
• Ronin missions generally get a few of these at Pierce's expense, for example, the opening of the mission "Saint's Seven". Pierce goes over his intricately-planned heist for a Ronin casino. He talks about how they'll distract a security guard, sneak in through the security door, cut the power... and then Gat cuts him off, and suggest that they walk into the casino and just shoot all the motherfuckers that are between them and the money. The Boss agrees with Gat's idea, and the two walk away to do the job, leaving behind a very annoyed Pierce.
• The opening cinematic for Laundry Day, the next mission.
  • The bit where the Saints, hiding out at Aisha's and watching the news report of the prior mission's shooting, goes something like this:
  Jane Valderrama: This leaked security footage shows the leader of the Saints, recent fugitive and Saint Lieutenant Johnny Gat, as well as an unknown accomplice assaulting the casino…
  Pierce: (indignant) Unknown accomplice, my ass!
  • Meanwhile the police was doing a trace of a slain cop and ends with them taking a picture of the corpse together. Apparently Troy brought his most incompetent policemen to make sure the Saints do their job.
• The beginning of "Road Rage" has Gat dragging a Ronin mook to Aisha's house after finding him parading around in Saints turf. Here's how Johnny's interrogation goes:
  The Boss: Got something you wanna tell me?
  Ronin mook: (spits in The Boss's face) Go to hell!
  Johnny: That wasn't very nice. (He smashes the Ronin mook through a glass table)
  Aisha: Johnny! I just bought that table!
  • Johnny being Johnny, he doesn't put up with the Ronin mook's sass for long and...
    Ronin mook: I'll die before I tell you!
    Johnny: Yep. (He shoots the Ronin in the back of the head.)
    Aisha: Johnny!
    Johnny: It'll wash out!
    Aisha: It better.
  • Finally, after Johnny talks to the Boss about messing up a Ronin nightclub, Aisha returns scowling at Johnny and holding a mop.
    Johnny: Uh... can you go on ahead? I... gotta clean up. (He is seen in a later cutscene trying to dispose of the bagged body in a trash can with a disapproving Aisha watching on.)
• In mission Visiting Hours, you must escort a bedridden Johnny Gat out of the hospital full of Ronin attackers. All of the voices get great lines, but an especially funny one is Female Voice 1 (the voice actress' delivery of the line really makes it):

  Johnny: You know, you could have brought flowers instead of a gang of people trying to kill me.
  Boss: Bitch, bitch, bitch…

The Sons of Samedi

• In the opening cutscene for "Aerial Assault", Laura announces that her husband Tobias has a pilot's license, and he can fly you over the pot farm owned by the Sons of Samedi. The Boss is incredulous, but then Tobias comes in and says "Does it look like I'm joking?" (Note: He's not wearing a shirt, and has an almost comical helicopter pilot helmet on his head.)
  • Later, Tobias has this gem if you take too long and the helicopter takes too much damage.
  Tobias: "You know, it's a little bit difficult to fly this thing when it's FILLED WITH FUCKING BULLETS!"
  • It's his delivery that makes it awesome; most of the time during the mission he sounds like a really calm, stoned Danger Deadpan.
  • Doubly funny with that mission is the fact you are effectively burning down a pot farm from the air. As Tobias starts to make circles over the fields to make sure you got everything, the screen starts to get fuzzy. It only gets more pronounced as the smoke and fire spreads. That's right, The Boss is high as a kite, machine gun in hand.
  • The best part is that Tobias is voiced by Garrus fucking Vakarian of all people. Yes, Garrus did in fact drop the F-bomb.
  • While en route to the Samedi pot farm, Tobias makes small-talk with The Boss, asking what a good anniversary present for Laura would be. The Boss (depending on the voice) can recommend a whole variety of things from a baking pan, a cookbook, and an Aisha CD, to needle sterilization kits, a coke bender in Columbia, and an automatic shotgun.
• In the mission "Bad Trip", The Boss is kidnapped and drugged for an "interview" with the high-ranking Sons of Samedi members in the General's limo. The Boss escapes the limo and has to protect the Saints hideout from attacking Samedi... all while higher than a kite. The dialogue during this mission is pretty hilarious.
  Female Boss 3: What is a Leprechaun doing in this phone?
  Shaundi: Holy shit, Boss! Are you high?
  Female Voice 3: Don't worry, magic phone, I'll save you.
  Shaundi: I'm gonna die, great...
  • Some other possible lines in the level include things like the Boss claiming that Shaundi's voice was stolen by a little plastic box, and actually speaking Spanish.
    Shaundi: Holy shit, are you fuckin' high!?
    Male Voice 1: You know what's cool about you? Your name. Is that Irish?
    Male Voice 2: I reeeeallllllly like your hair, Shaundi.
    Male Voice 3: (placidly) Si. Si, yo soy. ^translation  Yes.Yes I am.
    Female Voice 1: Shaundi, you're like the coolest Saint ever. Way better than Dex, that guy was no fun.
    Female Voice 2: Do you think Pierce likes me? Because sometimes I can't tell.
  • A great moment during that scene was with Male Voice 1 (British) Boss' exchange with Mr. Sunshine. This is made even funnier when you know that the name is in fact a slang in British English as well, and the delivery is just perfect.
    Mr. Sunshine: They call me Mr. Sunshine.
    The Boss: Well listen here, sunshine. I don't care how fucked up your face is. I ain't scared of you, or that other arsehole.
• The cutscene after completing Bad Trip:
  Shaundi: Are you sure? They'll probably send more guys to try and kill us.
  The Boss: You- you can handle them, right?
  Shaundi: Probably not.
  The Boss: (relaxed) That- that's nice. (passes out)
  Shaundi: Fuckin' lightweights.
  • Which The Boss calls back to... one of the voices when drunk might say "Nobody better call me a fucking lightweight."
    • And Pierce shares his thoughts defending the Saints hideout.
      I'd feel better about our odds if our leader wasn't fucking high.
• After the fight against Mr. Sunshine, there's his Rasputinian Death:
  The Boss: For fuck's sake, just die already!
• Bonding Experience (Sons of Samedi mission #7) has quite a few.
  • For example, the opening cutscene has a moment where Pierce is complaining about how the Saints get their information "From one of the 600 guys Shaundi used to fuck" ^note Guess who tips off the Saints this time?, with the reason the Boss is taking him along is to make him feel slightly better.
  • And another one comes when the mission starts, when Pierce is complaining again to the Boss, ignoring the Samedi helicopter flying above them.
    Pierce: (as the helicopter comes into view) I always listen, I'm always on time and I always pay attention!
    The Boss: Pierce... helicopters.
    Pierce: I know we're looking for helicopters! I told you, I got this!
    The Boss: The fucking helicopters are here, Pierce!
    Pierce: SHIT! [Slams foot on gas pedal to start the car]
  • The fun continues with Pierce changing the radio to Ne-Yo's "So Sick" and tries to sing along, but fails horribly, leading to The Boss making comments like these:
    Male Voice 1: Pierce, we really need to talk about your taste in music.
    Male Voice 1: Are you shittin' me?!
    Male Voice 2: This is worse than getting shot.
    Male Voice 2: Son, you're no Ne-Yo.
    Female Voice 3: You're killing me, Pierce.

Ultor

• Shaundi's Ex-Boyfriend Intelligence Network™ finally fails when it comes up against the Pyramid. Then she somehow manages to get the information anyway by the very next cutscene. She took The Boss' advice to make some new friends really quick.
• "Ultor Family Fun Day" in the Corporate Warfare DLC has situations so ridiculous that it wouldn't look out of place in the third game:
  • After the first segment of the level, The Boss gets attacked by a gang of mimes.
  • Blink and you'll miss it, but it's possible to spot a Destroy UFO of all things while the chaos is ensuing.
  • Gryphon asks you to kill a guy who apparently shows up in a ninja costume to work. The guy is also a real ninja, as he multiplies and teleports to your building, fancy smoke included.

Gameplay

• You can not only make the boss walk around completely naked, but during cutscenes they'll act all serious and other characters won't even pay it any notice.
  • Even funnier cause of all the customization options present you can make a complete monster with a ugly face, blue mustache, green beard, wearing no pants, traffic cone on their head and a bra and watch as the game tries to tell a serious story about gangsters.
• If you wait around for a-ha's "Take On Me" to play on the radio, the Boss may sing along with it. Quite amusing, especially when the game gives you an achievement for it.
  • In addition to "Take On Me", every character voice gets another song that they may sing along to. For example, Female Voice 1 (Caucasian) will sing to "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears, Male Voice 2 (Afro-American) sings to "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger, Female Voice 3 (Latina) sings with "Land Down Under" by Men at Work... the list goes on.
    • One of the funniest ones is Male Voice 1 (British) singing along to "The Final Countdown". Funny enough already but made absolutely hilarious because of how terrible he is at it.
    • Same with Female Voice 1 singing "Everybody Wants To Rule the World", she doesn't know the first few parts of it, just mumbles something, hell, maybe all of the voices don't know how to sing.
    • Male Voice 2 (i.e. black guy) is hilarious when he sings along to "Take On Me", because he gets weirdly excited at the start, and during the final verse he geeks out over the music video.
    • On the topic of male voice 2, his reactions while singing along to Sister Christian aren't bad either.
      You know those boys don't wanna play no more with youuuu... 'cause you suck bitch!
      (when the chorus happens for the first time) Oh shit, oh shit! (imitates guitar riff) ... Guitars, guitars and shit, ohhhh shit!
  • And for good measure, here's a video of all the bosses singing "Take on Me", all at once.
• For a cascade of humourous comments, get your character drunk, they'll toss out some funny shit.
  [slightly slurred] Now where can I find a garden gnome?
  [distraught] I only hurt people coz I'm cryin' on the inside!
  [slurred again] You know, I bet Shaundi would look hot in a sombrero.
  [Mildly annoyed] Ah shit, I got the spins again...!
  [buzzed] So thiiis is what the world looks like through Shauundi's eyes.
  [distraught again] Yeah, my gang wears purple! You wanna say something?
• While on the voices: Male voice 1 (British) while infiltrating the police station in a late Sons of Samedi mission, trying badly to hide his accent to the police dispatcher.
• The Fuzz missions have a few.
  Dispatcher: (sigh) I can't believe I'm saying this... but there's a chainsaw massacre in progress.
  Dispatcher: Pirates are fighting ninjas. Repeat, pirates are fighting ninjas.
  Dispatcher: Kids are out having fun. Put a stop to it.
  • When you reach the pirates and ninjas, the battle is dubbed "The Battle of the Century".
  • One dispatch is referred to as a Code Texas, which upon arrival is a dozen or so college kids running around with chainsaws murdering people in a deranged prank.
  • Some of the perpetrators can be found going through other activities like Mayhem and Insurance Fraud. For the former, the perps come equipped with rocket launchers that will blow up your ride and you in it.
  • The cameraman accompanying you has a lot of one-off lines witnessing your Police Brutality in action:
    This is gonna get us an award!
    I bet they'll walk again someday.
    You don't see that filming sitcoms!
    There's a limit to the number of dead bodies we can show on-screen!
    Think we could get them to sign a waiver?
    My camera was pointing the wrong way, could you do that again?
    You really love your job, don't you.
    So, do cops use chainsaws?
• Adrenaline mode in the Insurance Fraud diversion causes you to fly much farther when you get hit by a vehicle. It's quite possible to fly across half of Stilwater, randomly collide with another car, and then continue flying about the city, making thousands of cash for every second you're in the air.
• Given the game's tone and suggestive, ah, positions, one of the comments during the Ho-ing activity is this mixed with Squick if you think about it.
  So... you hungry?
• The Boss and Pierce fighting over radio stations whenever they are in the same car.
  Male Voice 1: (after Pierce switches to the classical station) Pierce, when did you get a vagina?
• Play the Escort or Hoeing activity. You're guaranteed at least one funny line per level. Some of the funniest include:
  So THIS is what I've been missing out watching anime all day!
  Oh god, please don't be a fucking furry...
  Call me Kairi! Call me Kairi!
  • One escort had the Asian girl (the one that talks about Japan and other shit) and the mistress (talks about the client licking her feet).
  • "You're the best."
  • Sometimes, one of the clients is a hippie chick who will beg you to kill a random carnivore on the roadside.
  • Other times, your client may be a man who has a rather peculiar fascination with being treated like a horse.
  FUCK ME LIKE AN EQUESTRIAN!
• When cruising around Stilwater, you may or may not come across some black rappers. If you do, there is a chance that they may bust out a Piss-Take Rap in the vein of "I spit like a cobra; bitch I'm supernova!"
• Several of the radio ads are funny to listen to, such as one boasting about the positives of using "NUCLEAR POWER!" with testimonials of a woman who brags about getting time off work for chemo and a man with a third arm being 50% more productive at work.
  Announcer: NUCLEAR POWER! It's the way to glow!
  • Then there was the Brown Bagger's commercial:
    Guy (Drunk): Here, Santa brought you a bottle of scotch!
    Little Girl: But it's empty!
    Guy: FUCK YOU!
  • "Reason to visit Rusty's Needles #8: Tramp Stamp Tuesdays."
  • "Bling Bling! The term may be outdated, but our marketing department doesn't care."
    • Even more so when it's a sly Development Gag based on the first possible name for Saints Row, while also perfectly explaining why it wasn't used for the final product.
  • "Brass Knuckles, because sometimes you really wanna beat the hell out of people!"
  • The ads for Ship It!, where a Russian spokesperson flubs his attempts to attract people to the store, (including blatantly stating that his boats are used for human trafficking, organ smuggling, and drug running, and outright threatening customers and their families), much to the chagrin of the director. The tagline for Ship It! is even "Bad At Marketing, Great At Boats!"
    • Even better is that Vladimir, the Ship It! spokesman, is voiced by Jason Zumwalt, who voices Roman Bellic.
    Vladimir: This is Vladimir! You will come on down to Ship It, or I'll have your family killed!
• A bit of a meta example, but the commercials that Gary Busey did to promote the game mix between hilarious moments and the Nightmare Fuel that is inevitable with anything Busey is involved with.
  Gary Busey: (singing) Come with me! You'll be filled with more lead than a toy from China!
• Random bits of dialogue while driving with your homies and you crash into things:
  Zombie Carlos: Uuuuunnhhhhh urraaaaaaggggghhhnn!
  Shaundi: Well, that came outta nowhere...
  Standard white homie: Hell yeah! Road rage is hardcore gangster!
  Johnny Gat: (sighs) This is the fuckin' life.
  • Or take Shaundi with you on one of the missions Pierce listens to the radio. You'll get something like this when it happens.
    Shaundi: Y'know, we could walk.
    Boss: Jesus Christ, Pierce.
• While exploring the mall, players could came across an area that looks like a children's playground. Nothing out of the ordinary at first sight, but when when they walk inside, they'll come across a toy doll house sex doll on the inside.
• The civilian's reaction to danger is a treasure trove (most clearly heard when you're mugging them).
  Male student: I know I shouldn't have called God a pussy!
  Male geek: Turn into mist... Turn into mist...
  Female emo: Please be the apocalypse! Please be the apocalypse!
• Jane Valderama as a homie. While her long, deadpan narration of current events (such as your driving and crashing into civilians) is hilarious, she really shines during combat.
  I got your top story right here! (Pulling out a huge shotgun and shoots a cop.)
  Tonight's top story, award-winning reporter kicks some ass!
• When you call Legal Lee to help you as a homie he arrives driving an ambulance.
• When a listener calls Ultor FM asking for Veteran Child, the robotic DJ tells him that GenX is bought by Ultor.
  Caller: So... can I still buy weed from you?
• The entirety of Septic Avenger deserves a spot here. While it's a relatively easy and mundane activity compared to others like Escort or Mayhem, the drivers have plenty of amusing commentary that'll definitely split your sides. It also helps that A, you can listen to the radio (try playing My Chemical Romance's "Teenagers" while you're unloading raw sewage on the population of Stilwater!) during the Activity, and B, the very premise of the activity is as ridiculous as it is hilarious.
  Tony:

  This thing owns the road!
  You want me to pull over? Fuck you!
  This is a whole lotta shit.
  Seriously, how hard is it to avoid a goddamn septic truck?!
  My fault! *beat* My fault!
  I'll plow through anything that gets in my way!
  I wish I could see the look on the home owner's face.
  This hit and run thing really gets easier the more you do it.
  • Even better is that this Activity gets a Call-Back in Saints Row IV:

    Boss: Where's a septic truck when you need one?

  • Fridge Humor (and/or Horror) comes into play when your reward for completing the Red Light District and Suburbs Expansion instances are a discount in food items and increased weapons accuracy, respectively. Oh, dear.
• Drug Trafficking on LV 6 is so much chaos it's stupidly funny. Want to make it better? Listen to classic music while it happens.
• Call up a homie and then immediately dismiss them. If you're quick you can jump in the passenger seat as they drive off and they'll drive you around Stillwater. That's not the funny bit though, the funny bit is using guns and grenades to freak out the drivers (except for Shaundi) and cause crashes, so Boss can go off at their driving for a change.
• It can be difficult to do, but if you try to get into the passenger's side of a car at the exact moment an NPC is getting into the driver's seat, instead of stealing the car from them you'll just ride along as a passenger. For extra hilarity, you can pull your gun and start randomly firing it, causing the driver to panic and begin driving erratically in an attempt to escape from you.
• One of the dialogues when starting a Drug Trafficking mission with Luz Avalos shows that she still hasn't let go off a certain comment the Boss did during the last game.
  Luz: I just want to set the record straight, those were not last season's shoes.
• The Boss singing along to the Final Countdown.
• Sometimes, Shaundi may call 89.0 Generation X requesting "Misery Business". Veteran Child has no choice but to admit it's a good song and play it for his ex-girlfriend.
• Dane Vogel calling The Mix to request his 'theme music', "Everybody Wants To Rule The World". A song about how the desire for power makes people miserable.