Funny / Recess

Examples from Recess: School's Out go here.

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Season One

The Break In

• The end, when the diggers actually dig a hole to China. However, they end up in a Chinese kindergarten. One of the kindergarteners sees them, and repeats the line the kindergarteners from Third Street School said earlier, but in Chinese: "Let's eat 'em!"
• When the gang need help breaking T.J. out of detention, they go to the Guru Kid for advice. He tells the gang to "consider the bumblebee", as when with "other bees, he becomes a swarm", saying that if they get more kids to help them, they can get T.J. out. Right after the gang leave, another kid comes up to Guru Kid, and asks him how he can get an A on his next spelling test. Guru Kid proceeds to give him the exact same advice.
  • Then again, a study group isn't such a bad idea.

The New Kid

• Due to the "Constitution of the Playground", Gus, who just moved to town, has to be refered to as "new kid" (even by his parents) until the school gets another new kid. Gus is upset about not having his name anymore, when Mikey comes and says this to try to make him feel better:
  Mikey: Don't worry, there are a lot of people without names. The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, the Unknown Soldier, and the other four guys in the Jackson Five.
• In the final moments of the episode, Gus's predecessor as the "new kid" complains to King Bob about not being able to use his real name for three years, while Gus was able to get his restored in less than a week. Bob's response?
  King Bob: Hey, you should've said something.
  • Preceding this, Gus makes a huge speech to Bob about he's not a nobody and repeatedly says his name. Confused, Bob asks what it is Gus wants. When Gus tells him he wants his name restored, Bob nonchalantly grants the request.
  Gus: That's it?
  King Bob: What do you want, a parade?

The Great Jungle Gym Standoff

• When Miss Finster orders the construction team to dismantle Old Rusty with the kids on it:
  Foreman: Sorry, lady, but tearin' down a jungle gym with kids on it is against union rules!
  Construction Worker: It didn't used to be, but we had a meeting!
• Old Rusty collapsing due to the combined weight of the students, parents, and faculty.

The Experiment

• Butch's over-the-top way of telling the gang about his brother kissing his girlfriend, and how they're going to end up enjoying it when they get older, to their horror. Kath Soucie even said that it was one of her favorite scenes to record.
  Butch: I have seen the future, and the future... IS GIRLS! Boys kissing girls, girls kissing boys! And you know what else? YOU'RE ALL GOING TO LIKE IT! [maniacal laugh as lightning flashes behind him]
• Spinelli's reaction to Butch's story:
  Spinelli: The day I stop caring about kickball is the day the Earth starts spinning 'round the Sun!
  Gretchen: Which explains the "D" she got in science.

Jinxed

• While the kids are explaining the Kids' Unwritten Code of Honor to Gus, at one point they say, "It's what makes kids different from adults! Different from animals! What would we be without it?"
  Gus: Adult animals?
• The ending of the episode, in which the Recess Gang jinxes the Ashleys for jinxing Gus.
• After T.J. reveals what's really going on, the officials who were going to take Gus away for his "questionable behavior" immediately let him off the hook. They say it's all part of the Kids' Unwritten Code of Honor and that Gus is the third jinxed kid this week.

First Name Ashley

• When Spinelli is forced to join the Ashleys in "First Name Ashley", they try to convert her by forcing her to watch a My Little Pony expy with her eyes taped open.
• The plan to get Spinelli out of the Ashleys is to have everyone on the playground change their name to Ashley and force their way into the group. When the Ashleys protest that half of them aren't even girls, Gus replies "Hey, it's the '90s!"
  • Made even funnier by the fact that Ashley is also a male given name.
• This exchange:
  T.J.: Man, those Ashleys aren't human!
  Gretchen: [deadpan] Worse. They're debs.

Big Brother Chad

• Vince's nightmare about turning into a gigantic nerd.
  • "NEEEEEEAATOOO!!!!!!!!!"
• Also, when Vince realizes his big brother is actually a geek.
  Chad: [after spilling an entire gravy boat on himself] "WHOOPSIE DAISY!"

My Fair Gretchen

• Gretchen trying to fail her test so she can stay at Third Street School with her friends.
  Teacher: Who invented modern medicine?
  Gretchen: Dr. Seuss.
  Teacher: Who was the first person to make it to the North Pole?
  Gretchen: Santa Claus.
  Principal Prickly: [frustrated to no degree] What's two plus two?
  Gretchen: Thirty?
  • But right after that, Prickly accuses her of cheating on the test, so she answers all the questions correctly, in one breath, and collapses in exhaustion.
• The beginning of the episode involves Miss Finster giving out an achievement test to the students, when Miss Grotke tells them not to worry about it, as it won't affect their grade. Miss Finster's reply is hilarious:
  Miss Finster: ...you're a wimp, you know that, Grotke?
• When the kids are taking the test, Mikey is filling the bubbles in on his test to make it look like a smiley face.
• Gretchen tutoring the faculty at the end of the episode, and Prickly got a D!
  Gretchen: You did your best. That's all we could ask.
  [Prickly is grumbling about it.]

I Will Kick No More Forever

• Ashley Q. beating Vince in kickball...by kicking the ball all the way to Communist China.
  Chinese Man: NO GATHERING, NO GATHERING! This ball is property of the state!
• Also, Ashley Q's general attitude while making the kick. She clearly isn't even interested and gets right back to talking on her cell-phone the moment she kicks it, not even noticing what an amazing thing she just did. It makes Vince's embarrassment at being outkicked by her even worse, but it's definitely funny.
• Another moment from that same episode had Gretchen making a super bouncy kickball which they intended to have Vince kick in order for him to regain his confidence. Of course, it turns out the ball Vince kicked was a regular ball, which leads Gretchen to ask what happened to her super ball. It cuts to Miss Finster putting the ball on a shelf in the sports equipment room, only for the ball to start moving at super speed, causing all the other balls to start moving and leaving Finster trapped in a ball storm.

The Kid Came Back

• The gang realize that every time Peanut Butter Kid follows them around, bad luck happens to them. In one of their drastic measures to get rid of him, they make a fake treasure map for him, saying that the treasure's all the way on the other side of town. The kid walks off with the map... and actually found treasure there.
• Another way the gang try to get rid of him is by having Vince hitting a baseball to the kid, and having the kid go catch it. The kid comes back in traditional Chinese clothing with the ball.
• T.J.'s rant on what would happen to them if the kid kept tagging along with them.
  T.J.: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
  Mikey: Calm down, T.J.!
  T.J.: Calm!? I can't keep calm! This kid is driving me NUTS! If we don't get rid of him soon, we're going to have bad luck for the rest of our lives! Oh, sure, at first it won't be so bad; a hit on the head here, a broken back there, but THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING! Pretty soon we're going to get Fs in spelling and losing OUR FAVORITE COMIC BOOKS!
  Gus: (looks through his backpack) NO!
  T.J.: Pretty soon before you know it, we'll be slackers in our twenties, clerking in a video store, and spending Saturday nights ordering pizza over the internet! And why? Because we can't get ONE LITTLE KID TO LEAVE US ALONE!
  • It's also one of the very, very few instances where T.J. loses his temper.
• Gretchen was the only one not to get bad luck, yet...
  Gretchen: Oh come on guys, you're being superstitious. Not everyone had such bad luck. Look, my sugarcube model of the DNA double helix won first place at the science fair. I'm gonna have it permanently preserved so that one day I'll be able to look back and say—
  [A car drives by, splashing water on Gretchen and her model]
  Gretchen: AAAHH! MY PROJECT IS RUINED!! Alright, who put the hex on me?!

The Legend of Big Kid

• T.J. joining the kindergarteners.
  • After he realizes that he's a fourth grader again, he breaks down in tears...and as a Freeze-Frame Bonus, look closely at the kindergarteners walking away; they have a hilarious creeped-out look on their faces.
• T.J.'s reaction to the kindergarteners making him finger-paint.
  T.J.: Finger-painting? That's for kinder-
  [Captain Sticky glares at him.]
  T.J.: Oh...heh heh...who's got yellow?
• After Gretchen finds a half-eaten lollipop left by the kindergartners, they are about to set off to find T.J. when Mikey asks if he can eat the rest of the lollipop, causing Vince to glare at him.

The Box

• T.J. when he's been put in "the box" (a box drawn on the blacktop for a "time out"), and going through a Madness Mantra. it goes over into Crosses the Line Twice, but it's still kinda funny.
  T.J.: This old man, he played two...HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE! He played knick-knack on my shoe...
  • Which is nothing compared to Miss Finster's Villainous Breakdown when T.J. reveals he's not a blubbering mess anymore, to the point that even Randall is creeped out by it.

The Trial

• After Mikey tells his side of the story, he begins crying over the violence of the dirt clod war:
  Mikey: When will you people learn!? WAR IS NOT A GAME! IT'S NOT A GAME!
  Kid #1: I thought it was a game.
  Kid #2: Yeah, a fun game!
• King Bob stating his dissatisfaction towards Randall after learning that the latter hit Spinelli during a time-out:
  King Bob: You hit Spinelli during a time-out?! She was right, you are a worm.

Speedy, We Hardly Knew Ye

• While the gang berates themselves over what they may have done to cause Speedy's death, Spinelli Crosses the Line Twice and says what is perhaps the worst possible thing, and it's hilarious:
  Spinelli: Listen if it makes you feel any better, you all killed him.

Teachers Lounge

• The kids imagining what the teacher's lounge is like. Especially the part where Miss Finster scores a basket, jumping 12 feet in the air and doing a 180.
• How the kids eventually get into the teacher's lounge: they tell Mr Yamashiro (the only person in the room) that they were supposed to tell Miss Grotke that her lime green convertible is on fire in the parking lot.
  Mr. Yamashiro: Well, for your information, not only is she NOT here, but she doesn't drive a lime green convertible. [beat] I DO!!
  [Mr. Yamashiro exits the teacher's lounge and runs to the parking lot]

Randall's Reform

• Randall's attempt (emphasis on "attempt") at an "I Just Want to Be You" speech.
  Randall: `Cause let me tell you something, T.J. Detweiler, I wish..I wish...I WISH I WAS YOU!
  T.J.: What? What are you talking about?
  Randall: Look at you! You're fat, you're ugly, you wear that filfthy jacket!
  T.J.: Okay, okay, that's enough!
  Randall: But yet, guys play with you! They laugh at your jokes! They want to be your friend! Look at me, T.J., I've got nothing.
  T.J.: Maybe that's because you're always snitching on everyone.
  Randall: You think?
• When T.J. tells everyone that Randall might change now that he's joined their gang, and no one agrees. Spinelli delivers this hilarious line:
  Spinelli: And I really want to be a six-foot tall bodybuilder named Moe, but we happen to live in a place called reality.

The Voice

• Brandon swallowing a bee an being unable to sing for a month? Not funny. The whole school cheering? Hilarious.
• Upon learning that Mikey can only sing in the bathroom, Miss Salamone removes all the equipment in order to help him. Cut to Gus badly needing to pee, only to enter and find all the urinals have been removed.
• Mikey ends up with a crush on his music teacher, and proudly admits it to the rest of the gang. Gus' reaction is plain hilarious:
  Gus: She's old, really old. She's got to be at least 24!
• In this episode alone, Principal Prickly has the funniest facial expressions in the whole show.

Kids in the Mist

• Dr. Quilty's breakdown after her unsuccessful attempts at trying to film the kids:
  T.J.: Hey lady, you okay?
  Dr. Quilty: Okay?! DO I LOOK OKAY?! I'M A LOSER! A FAILURE! All these years of studying children and reading about children and writing about children, I DON'T EVEN LIKE CHILDREN! No offense.
  Gretchen: None taken.
• Gretchen begins to cackle madly while editing Dr. Quilty's video, then begins choking horribly, and feebly tells T.J. that she thinks she's swallowed her retainer.
• Quilty's repeated attempts to spy on the kids, all of which fail miserably.

Parents' Night

• In an attempt to get Spinelli to show them her parents, T.J., Vince, Gretchen and Gus make Mikey drink who knows how much water to invoke a Potty Emergency. His buggy eyes, as well as Vince's at one point, are what sell it.
• Then on Parents' Night, when Spinelli's parents (not the fake ones) do show up, they embarrass her to no degree. One moment in particular is when Mrs. Spinelli meets Spinelli's friends:
  Mrs. Spinelli: You must be Mickey, and Vance, and Gretel, and Rus, and... you must be BJ! He's the one our little honey-bunny has the crush on.
  Spinelli: Mom!

Season Two

The Break Up

• Spinelli becoming queen of the Kindergardeners:
  T.J.: What are you doing, Spinelli?
  Spinelli: That's Spinooti to you!
  T.J.: "Spinooti"?
  Spinelli: They're only five, they can't really pronounce Spinelli yet.
  Kindergardener: Here's your lunch, Spinooti! It's pasketti!
  Spinelli: You see what I mean?

The Hypnotist

• The Amazing Jeffery floundering at hypnotizing Miss Finster into believing she's six years old, yet he manages to put Principal Prickly in said trance.
• Jeffery trying (and failing) at guessing Miss Finster's age.
• Prickly running around the schoolyard, acting like a literal Manchild.
  Principal Prickly: Look at me, I'm a speedboat! [Makes raspberry noises while moving like a boat.]
• Prickly pulling down Spinelli's hat over her eyes. She calmly asks, "Did he just do what I think he did?" When Mikey says yes, she screams and goes to attack him, only for Vince to remind her that he controls her permanent record.
• Prickly, stuck in his office and bored out of his skull, uses the P.A. system to practice burping the alphabet and armpit farting. Cut to the playground, where the Ashleys are understandably disgusted...then pan over to The Gang, falling all over themselves laughing.

Mama's Girl

• The episode opens with T.J. getting a C- on a book report.
  T.J.: C-? Hey, no fair, Miss Grotke!
  Miss Grotke: I'm sorry T.J., but 'A rollercoaster ride I couldn't put down' is not a book report. It's a cover blurb.
• Everyone on the playground roars with laughter at Spinelli's mistake, including her close friends. Even Miss Finster, while in the middle of her drill instructor routine, breaks down into the hysterics!
• Spinelli is the subject of playground ridicule for calling the teacher "Mama." So they also try to get Randall to cry out in the same way for Miss Finster. While he does start reacting at the sight of their mud puddle, he just starts stammering, and Muriel wonders "why are you blubbering like a sick emu?" - so of course she ends up waist deep in the mud!
  Vince: I told you that plan was crazy. Bust-a-gut funny, but crazy.
• They then try to get someone to call Principal Prickly "daddy" by sticking a note with "Call me daddy" written on it to his back. Gus writes it down and T.J. sticks it on Prickly, but...
  [As they pass by a bewildered Prickly]
  Kid 1: Hi Debby!
  Kid 2: Howdy Diddy!
  Kid 3: Hey Dubby!...
  [T.J. and the others look back at the note on Prickly's back only to find that "daddy" is barely legible.]
  Gus: Sorry guys, I guess I should have taken this chance to to practice my cursive...
• Gretchen gets the idea to make everyone else do it by playing the words "Momma, Daddy" over and over again over the intercom... at an ultra-high speed.
  T.J.: Sounds like gerbils on helium.
  [Cut to Miss Finster in a hallway]
  Miss Finster: What is that infernal racket?! The birds... they're planning something.
  [[Principal Prickly's office.]
  Principal Prickly: Uh oh... the kindergartners must have given helium to the gerbils again!
  • At first it seems like it worked, as a chorus of "Mama! Daddy! Mama! Daddy! Mama! Daddy!"s suddenly erupts from the schoolyard. The gang runs up to look... only to see that it's actually just the kindergartners excited to see their parents coming to pick them up.
    • And Vince sums it all up quite nicely.
    "You know, life with you guys is never boring."
• As all the kids are standing up for Spinelli by all calling Ms. Grotke "mama", Gus accidentally says: "Me too, mommy!" instead of "mama", before immediately (and sheepishly) correcting himself.
• At the end of the episode as everybody heads home, Gretchen begins wondering how her subliminal message experiment didn't work since it worked all the time in TV commercials. Cut to Miss Finster and Principal Prickly walking to their cars:

  Prickly: Well, so ends another day of filling the empty minds of future generations. [to Finster] Good night, mama.
  Finster: Good night, daddy.
  [Cue simultaneous Double Take from both of them]

Outcast Ashley

• Gretchen and Ashley A.'s conversation on their way to school.
  Ashley A.: So the Earth, like, revolves around the sun?
  Gretchen: Exactly.
  Ashley A.: Hmm, that's strange. Daddy always said the world revolved around me!

Operation Field Trip

• Spinelli having about all she can take with "This Old Man" non-stop on the bus.
  Spinelli: If I sing that one more time, I'M GONNA PLAY KNICK-KNACK ON SOMEBODY'S HEAD!

The Challenge

• When Principal Prickly's older brother Paul (also an elementary school principal) arrives at Third Street School, the first thing he notices is the flagpole, and how his is bigger.
  • In a later scene, Paul is seen installing said 50ft flagpole ready for Prickly's arrival. When Prickly does arrive and sees it, he comments that "a flagpole that large is unseemly".
• Mikey's reaction to his doppelganger easily getting the kickball during the gang's game against their doppelgangers at 98th Street School.
  Mikey: Hey, no fair! That kid's really really big!

Wild Child

• When Gretchen is interacting with her Peewee Pal, Emma:
  Gretchen: Repeat after me: the rain...
  Emma: The rain...
  Gretchen: ...in Spain...
  Emma: ...in Spain...
  Gretchen: ...falls mainly in the moist temperate zones southwest of the Pyrenees Mountains.
  Emma: ...blooby-blooby-bloo-bloo-bloo.
  • What's even better is that if you try it on an actual kindergartener, you get pretty much the same reaction.

Yes, Mikey, Santa Does Shave

• When Principal Prickly is told that Mikey's not going to play Santa for the Christmas show, Miss Finster suggests that Randall, who looks nothing like Mikey, should replace him.
  Miss Finster: Go "Ho-ho-ho."
  Randall: [not even trying] Hee-hee-hee!
  [Prickly makes an expression that reads "Seriously?"]

The Story of Whomps

• "WHO THE HECK IS WHOMPY WHOMPERSON!?"
• In court, Miss Grotke brings in a slangologist (a doctor of the study of slang) who instructs T.J. to let him do the talking in extremely bizarre slang, which prompts Gretchen, in a reverse of the norm, to confusedly ask Spinelli what on Earth he just said, which Spinelli doesn't know either. And he continues to speak in slang so thoroughly that the guy who brought T.J. for "whomps" in the first place actually ends up on the brink of a fist fight with him. T.J. ends up the Only Sane Man about the matter.

Bad Hair Day

• Almost the entirety of the episode. After Mikey gets gum in his hair, T.J. volunteers to give him a haircut. However, he ends up cutting off most of his hair.
  Mikey: AAAAUUUGHH!!!
  T.J.: Is that a good "Aaugh" or a bad "Aaugh"?
  Mikey: YOU RUINED MY HAIR!!
  T.J.: Uh-uh-uh, Mikey, you're getting awfully close to hurting Mr. Teej's feelings!
  • After that, they tell the other kids that a famous band (called "Dog's Pajamas") has the same haircut, just so they can get their hair cut the same way.
• And at the end of the episode, Spinelli and Gretchen come back to the school to find everyone with Mikey's ridiculous haircut, and start laughing hysterically.
  Gretchen: Your hair! It looks like crop circles!
  • Also, according to Spinelli (who claims to have recently seen Dog's Pajamas on TV) reveals that the members don't have botched haircuts like Mikey does—on the contrary, "they've got hair down to their butts!"
    • This revelation causes the Ashleys, who also got themselves these horrible haircuts, to scream in horror.
  • Finally, when everyone turns on T.J. and Vince for convincing them to get these haircuts, the two boys make a run for it, to which the entire school (minus Gretchen, Spinelli and Mikey) chase after them.
  Gretchen: Gee, you think we should help them?
  Mikey: Sure! As soon as my hair grows back.

Dance Lessons

• "And that is what is meant by 'The birds and the bees.'"
• T.J. and Vince's impersonations of Madame Pavlova.
• Toward the end of the episode, when Spinelli starts having second thoughts about dancing in public, Madame comes out with a beauty.
  Madame: Well, you are free to do as you wish, but in a way, I am sad that I no longer live in a country where the talented can be taken from friends and family and forced to do what they are good at!

The Beauty Contest

• The Ashleys sign Spinelli up for a beauty pageant against her will, and the gang try to get her ready for it. One of these includes teaching her to walk in high heels...taught to her by Vince, no less (and he's disturbingly good at it).
  • The gang's "What the Hell?" expressions during the scene add to the hilarity.
• "We're the girls who didn't win!"
  • "Thank you girls who didn't win, and there'll be a lot more of you once we announce the finalists!"

Season Three

Space Cadet

• T.J.'s attempting to "train" Gretchen for going into space. One scene has her having to use the swing as a flight simulator, and she starts goofing off.
  Gretchen: Look at me, I'm Peter Pan!
  T.J.: For heaven sakes, Gretchen! You're an astronaut, not a cartoon character!
  • Doubly funny if you realize that Gretchen is a cartoon character.

My Funny Valentines

• T.J. drawing a realistic human heart on his Valentine's bag.
• The Ashleys decide to add TJ's face onto their wall of boys. They realise they don't have a picture, and later it cuts to them making a collage of his face with everyone else's pictures. It's actually rather sweet too.
• Kurst the Worst of all people comes up to the Diggers with a face like thunder.
  Kurst: If you see TJ, tell him I want to talk to him about a certain Valentine!
  She suddenly Squees.
  Kurst: He's such a dear.
• One of TJ's joke Valentines is legitimately funny; "shall I compare thee to a Summer's day...maybe later".
  • And then the girl asks when TJ is planning to do so. He hurriedly says next week.

The Barnaby Boys

• When the gang are investigating the substitute janitor, they run into an old plastic skeleton
  Gretchen: It's an old teaching skeleton!
  Mikey: You mean he used to teach here?
• The Reveal that Spinelli has not only read The Hardy Boys expy from the title but has apparently read more than T.J. and Vince whose love of the books got the kids into the mess in the first place. How do we find out she reads them? She proves smart enough to call the police rather than be a Snooping Little Kid.

The Ratings Game

• Singer Kid's song about the nines.
• When T.J. gives everyone on the playground 10's, King Bob decides that, since the Ashleys also gave him a 10, then he must be a 20.

Kindergarden Derby

• When the gang finds out how much Mikey bet on Tubby in the derby.
  Mikey: It matters not. I only made this bet to support my young charge.
  Gretchen: But Mikey, at those odds, you could win enough Winger Dingers to get you through high school!
  [Beat]
  Mikey: WIN, YOU LITTLE WHOMPER! WIN!
  • As "whomp" is a replacement for a swear word in this show, Mikey pretty much shouts a family friendly version of "Win, you little fucker!"

"Stand Up Randall

• Randall's dad, Leonard, catches Randall reading the joke book under the covers after bedtime.
  Leonard: Junior, your mother said no reading after bedtime... I'm telling!

Season Four

The Spy Who Came In From the Playground

• This exchange at the beginning:
  Ashley A: Miss Finster! Someone stole our precious Ashley flag and replaced it with...some kind of tent!
  [Miss Finster looks through binoculars to see the "new flag"]
  Miss Finster: My bloomers!

Rumor Mill

• Randall at first refuses to say who told him the rumor about Mikey, claiming it goes against the Snitch's Code of Honour. Gretchen reminds him that snitches are supposed to tattle on others - so Randall tells them.
• When the Diggers are the latest suspects, they're approached but say they're too busy working on a project.
  Gretchen: Could that project possibly be weaving a complex tissue of lies!
  [Beat].
  Digger Dave: Uh...we just dig.
  • Before the Gang arrives, they're discussing the project, with Sam mentioning there's a lot of tree roots in a particular spot. When Mikey shows up, they try to get away by jumping in their hole and digging a tunnel, only to run into those very roots.

Recess Is Cancelled

• Throughout the episode, all the students at Third Street are suffering from extreme mental exhaustion after going without recess and being subjected to several standardized tests. When Principal Prickly makes an announcement reinstating recess, Gus has the most priceless reaction:
  Gus: Was that... God?
• Principal Prickly's facial expression when told about the government's new "R.E.C.E.S.S" programme, pronounced "reck-as". The "What an idiot..." look says what he thinks about the government.

The Rules

• King Bob dictating his life story to Scribe Kid:
  King Bob: "Chapter one: I was a baby when I was born. I remember it all quite well. When the doctor pulled me out, I did not cry; I issued commands. 'Bring me some jerky!' I told him."
  • Anything King Bob says and does is hilarious, really, because he's an eleven-year-old kid who takes his position as king of the playground REALLY seriously.

Prickly Is Leaving

• In attempt to get Prickly to stay at Third Street instead of leaving for a Middle School, the gang tries to give Prickly a (disturbingly accurate) sample of the problems he will be facing all while Superintendent Skinner is there.
  Skinner: [To T.J., dressed as a punk] Hello, son! I notice you're not lined up with the other students!
  T.J.: That's because I reject you, man! You, and everything you stand for!!
  Skinner: Well, that's fairly disturbing...
  Prickly: W-well that's just T.J. Detweiler, sir! He's just joking around! [shoves T.J. aside, brings Gretchen forward] Ahhh, here's the intelligent and courteous Gretchen Grundler! Say hello to the very important man, Gretchen!
  Gretchen: [dressed as a Goth] Greetings are depressing. Life is pointless. Leave me now to grapple with my own irrelevance as I confer to young adulthood... man!
  Vince: [desperately grabs Prickly] I know I gotta make weight, but I can't live on Ginseng and egg whites forever!!
  Mikey: [covered in fake zits] I'm breaking out!!! Yet another sock hop spent alone with my regrets...
  Gus: [blandly] I have father issues.
  Skinner: By Jove, Prickly! These are just the types of problems you'll be encountering in Middle School! It's the perfect opportunity for you to show off your one-on-one counseling skills.
  Prickly: Oh...well, certainly, sir! [to TJ] You, back off! [to Gretchen] You, cheer up! [to Vince] You, eat something! [to Mikey] You, cut back on the fried foods! [to Gus] You, mow the lawn!
  Spinelli: [dressed up as a cute Valley Girl] You are so dreamy!
  Prickly: Argh! Get a hamster!
  Skinner: Prickly! What decisive handling on those children's strange problems!

Gus and Misdemeanors

• Gus steals a bunch of gum in order to impress some kids and is immediately wracked with guilt. He begins imagining the gum everywhere, including when he looks at his pet snake. The snake's body morphs into the gum, and begins to harshly judge him for the theft.
  Snake: You stole Beany McGum!
  Gus: But it wasn't my fault-!
  Snake: NO EXCUSES!!!

A Science Fair to Remember

• T.J.'s speech on why Gretchen shouldn't give up:
  T.J.: Did Albert Edison give up when they stole his theory of regularity? Did Benjamin Frankmin give up when the Germans shot down his kite!?
• Every student did a unique volcano project for the science fair. Randall's happens to have the "lava" go over a playground full of children.

Mikey's Pants

• After ripping his pants, Mikey tries looking for something that will cover the rip up so Miss Finster doesn't have to take him in to get them sewed and have him risk humiliation. So he sees Captain Sticky playing in a cardboard car, and trades his comb to use the car to cover the rip. Captain Sticky's response to the comb?
  Captain Sticky: *Takes comb* Mommy use on me; now ME USE ON ENEMIES!
• Gretchen manages to get a replacement pair made from the same titanium alloy the Soviet Union used on their spaceships. They're virtually indestructible - so of course Mikey rips them.
  Gretchen: But... this defies the laws of physics.
  • Spinelli gets a good one in when Gretchen describes how Mikey's pants are coming apart at the seams.
    Spinelli: You should have got some thread from the Soviet Union.
• When the Ashleys refuse to let them hide in their clubhouse, T.J. pulls out the big guns. He makes Mikey show them his rip. Cue the Ashleys running screaming out of the clubhouse.

This Brain for Hire

• T.J.'s excuse for not doing his homework.
  [T.J. tears up his paper with his mouth, then takes it out and gives it to Miss Grotke]
  Miss Grotke: Uh, T.J., this paper is moist.
  T.J.: Well you see, my dog, we call him Scrufster, saw it, and let's say that paper and saliva don't mix.
  Miss Grotke: I see. You have a scrap of paper on your lip.
  T.J.: Heh-heh. Oops.
• Vince has a pretty hilarious excuse as well.
  Vince: My brother ate it!
  Miss Grotke: Eaten by a family member? That's a new one.
• When Gretchen visits the Lawson house:
  Gretchen: Good evening, Mrs. Lawson. Is uh...is um...is Lawson at home?

Nobody Doesn't Like T.J.

• T.J. spends the entirety of the episode trying to get Gordy to like him (because everyone else does) and fails. We get this at the end:
  Miss Finster: Well, I hope you two troublemakers learned your lesson.
  T.J.: I sure did, Miss Finster.
  Miss Finster: Good.
  T.J.:: Yep. No matter what you do, not everyone's gonna like you.
  Miss Finster: Blast you, Detweiler. Just because I give you a detention doesn't mean I don't like you.
  [T.J. does a facepalm]

A Great State Fair

• Gelman, in response to "The Otter Dance":
  Gelman: My old man don't believe in otters!
• T.J. attempting to bribe Miss Grotke to get Gus on the field trip (after his dad forgot to give him his permission slip):
  T.J.: Listen, Miss Grotke, Gus really wants to go on this field trip. So how about you reconsider with the help of my friends... [pulls out a penny and a quarter] Abraham and George.
  Miss Grotke: T.J. DETWEILER!
  T.J.: Yes, that was wrong.
  • The fact that he's trying to bribe her with 26 cents makes it funnier.

The A.V. Kid

• A.V. Kid is holding interviews for a replacement.
  A.V. Kid: Before we begin, are there any questions? Don't be shy; there's no such thing as a stupid question.
  Brandon the Singer: [singing] What, pray tell, does the position paaaaaaaaay?
  A.V. Kid: I stand corrected. Stupid question. Out.

Bonky Fever

• "BONKY WANT PUDDING! BONKY WANT PUDDING! BONKY WANT PUDDING!"
• When his friends find out that Mikey's devolving into a Bonky phase:
  T.J.: Mikey! Your face! It's blue!
  Mikey: I fell... in a puddle... o-of blueberries! I gotta go clean up!
  Spinelli: A "puddle of blueberries"?
• Just the fact that Spinelli hated Bonky even when she was in kindergarten.
• The thing that makes T.J. finally go along with Spinelli's idea to get rid of Mikey's Bonky stuff is when Mikey asks T.J. to take him and Bonky to the bathroom because they "gotta go potty", T.J.'s incredulous Big "WHAT?!" reaction is priceless.
• Mikey's tenth birthday party. His parents throw him a Bonky-themed birthday party with a bunch of the kindergartners as guests. His mother dresses up as Bonky to entertain Mikey and the kindergartners at the party, and Mikey's smile when dancing with Bonky and the kindergartners is hilarious. But Mikey's real friends decide to "destroy his Bonky obsession" by pouncing on "Bonky" and unmasking her. Among seeing that it's his own mother, Mikey is distraught and runs to the backyard, and the kindergartners prepare to take it out on T.J...
  Tubby: Now we play "Pin Tail on Big Kid"!

The Secret Life of Grotke

• The gang trying to see what Miss Grotke's up to, coming to the conclusion that she's a spy.
  T.J.: It all points to one thing: S-P-I.
  Gretchen: That's S-P-Y.

Soccer Boy

• T.J.'s reaction to the reason why Vince's team can't lose the soccer tournament.
  Vince: And if we lose, Lawson's gonna make us look like a bunch of dummies!
  T.J.: Ooh, don't wanna look like no dummy.
• Lawson naming his team "The Winning Guys"
• Jordan giving one of the Diggers a yellow card after T.J. falls into a hole he dug during their game.

Fort Tender

• The "psychological warfare" that the gang uses over the PA to get Lawson and his crew out of the fort. It's so over-the-top it shouldn't work, and yet it nearly does:
  Menlo: Your mothers are here to see you, all of them! Please don't keep your mothers waiting. Your mothers have brought you brownies and grilled cheese sandwiches. Why, as I speak, they are feeding some to me. It is very good, Lawson and friends. Wouldn't you like some?
  Koreo: Grilled cheese?
  Menlo: Your mommies miss you. Come to the office and give them a hug. It will make them so very happy. Now here's a song for all of you to enjoy. Remember this one?
  [sweet music starts playing]
  Jocko: [voice cracking] I gotta go!
  Cheay: [choking up] Me, too. Mom's waiting for me!
  Koreo: [sobbing] Gri-illed chee-ee-eese!

Prince Randall

• T.J. imitating King Bob for the gang at the beginning.
  T.J.: Your King craves sustenance. [points to Gretchen] You there! Smart Girl! Design and build a restaurant, then go inside and make me something to eat!
  Gretchen: [laughs] Right away, Your Highness.
  T.J.: Very good! [glances at Mikey] In the meantime; Large Thoughtful Boy, give me your Winger Dingers.
  Mikey: But Your Highness, I ate all my Winger Dingers.
  T.J.: That's a royal outrage! Take this Winger Dinger Singer to the Dodgeball Wall!
• Randall snitches on T.J. for his impression of King Bob, but Bob summons Randall instead.
  Randall: Maybe I wasn't clear before. T.J. was making fun of you.
  King Bob: Of course Detwiler was making fun of me. He's a crazy monkey boy, it's what he does. You, on the other hand, are the boy who cried "king" once too often.
  Randall: I'm not sure I follow.
  King Bob: Well, you'll follow this! [King Bob turns to the royal Scribe Kid] Scribe Kid, take a decree.
  Scribe Kid: [flips through notebook] Decrees, decrees... here we go, shoot.
  King Bob: From this day forward, I forbid the lowly snitch Randall—[glances back at Scribe Kid] get his last name—from speaking to me, King Bob.
  Randall: But, my liege, your grace—
  King Bob: Ah-bub-bub. You're already violating the decree. Be off or feel the rubbery thunder of the dodgeball wall!
• The scene beforehand, when King Bob is dictating the history of his Arthuresque rise to power to Scribe Kid during a Royal Trek.
  King Bob: It was said that the child who could pull the hockey stick from the stone is the child who would be King.
  Scribe Kid: Could you please talk slower, Your Majesty?
  King Bob: Very well, Scribe Kid. Take a moment and catch up.

Season Five

The C Note

• The scene where Randall pretends that he lost the $100 dollar bill the gang found. Unfortunately for him, they catch him.
  Randall: Um...Senor Fusion?

The Army Navy Game

• After Gus pushes down Fillmore for picking on Corn Chip Girl, Fillmore instantly starts bawling and this goes on for two more times in the episode.

All the Principal's Men

• All of the "ball" puns.
  Miss Finster: I have, uh, no comment on the removal of the balls.
  Butch: If you ask the right questions, you'll be crawling in balls in no time.
  Principal Prickly: Are you kids nuts? Who ever heard of an elementary school with no balls?
  Vince: Great! Now that's two sets of missing balls!
  Menlo: Though I myself don't participate in any ball-related activities, I rather enjoy watching you kids frolic outside my window.

Season Six

League of Randalls

• Randall turns the Ashleys' brothers into snitches.
  Ashley A: You, like, turned our brothers into snitches?
  The Main Six: Scandalous!

Other

• The gag reel, which was given to the cast and crew during the show's wrap party (the party thrown after a show finished production) has so many of these (Basically, it's the recording bloopers, "What Could Have Been" moments, and other funny stuff recorded). Some funny lines:
  Pamela Adlon: Do you know at The Disney Store they have Gus and Gretchen...?
  Allison (Assistant Director): Yes.
  Segal: But they don't have f**kin' Spinelli.
  Allison: Not yet.
  Segal: The f**k do they have Gus for? ^note  They did eventually release Spinelli dolls, as well as Mikey and Vince, but they weren't out by the time that was recorded.
  • Ricky D'Shon Colins (Vince) trying to record the "This isn't a ball, it's a rubber sack!" line, but can't take it seriously because of the Double Entendre.
    • Followed up by this:
      Paul Germain (Co-creator): You dirty, dirty kids.
      Courtland Mead (Gus): Not me!
      Jason Davis (Mikey): Kids this day and age, they take everything the wrong way!
  • And this:
    Miss Finster: AAAAUUUGHH!!!
    Allison: That's what Miss Finster sounds like when she's having sex!
  • Another one from Pamela Segal:
    Segal: Hello—NOW I can hear myself.
    Another actor: Oh, you have to speak into the mic.
    Segal: Hello—...S**k me.
  • This:
    Finster: Sh** yeah! Takes me back to my old crack house days!

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