Funny / Protectors of the Plot Continuum

All spoilers are unmarked!

• During their eighth excursion, Jay decides to distract the Sue of the week by talking about violence. And cheese. With sock puppets. This leads to a delicious bit of Hypocritical Humor when the assassin with sock puppets is talking about how "violence is the symptom of an unhealthy mind". And they come out again to threaten her when it's time for the assassinating part of the job.
  "Mr. Socko doesn't like people walking out on his lectures."
  "You're that elf from Rivendell, aren't you?" Alex demanded. "The one who kept talking about cheese!"
  "I am not. I am... MR. SOCKO!!" Two sets of glowing bobble eyes regarded her out of the gloom.
  "And I am Millie," said the second sock.
  "Jay, be mature," said Acacia, stepping out of the darkness.
  "Look, I haven't said a wohd," Jay said. "If you have problems with Constables Millie and Socko, take it up with Upstairs."
• "They needed to be hosed down." (A humorous joke by indemaat.)
• Stormsong and Skyfire tend to get caught up in these, both the Gay Weasel Sketch, and "Why is it glittery?!". The "Rape Jar", also. (Links NSFB. Second one no longer works.)
• Jay and Acacia leaving a Sue to die in the video for Ich Will.
• One unsafe for work/sanity Harry Potter mission has Agent Trojie yell "Don't ask questions, just grab that penis!" at her partner because Wormtail was about to eat it.
• The Stylistic Suck in Rena and Shay's missions, which, to comply with fanfiction.net rules, aren't "found" badfic, but are written by Rena and Shay's author.
  "It was night-time. The birds were asleep. The stars shone black in the sky. Under regular circumstances, 'stars shining black' would have been impossible; however, in this world, anything could happen."
  "erthstrype loked up at Psilophyta. 'd00d u safed me!111' He said."
• One particularly dreadful Pirates of the Caribbean 'fic has a character declare that a dress "makes me look a thinner." The effect of these Exact Words on the story leads to a burst of hysterical laughter from the agents present and what is probably the only charge of "causing a chemical solution to wear clothes" in the history of the PPC.
  • In that same mission is the following exchange:
  Suicide: It's just getting interesting, albeit in a car-wreck-reminiscent way, and you chicken out of the Duty? What does that make you?
  Ithalond: Isildur?
• "My name is Salina Rose, and I AM A PIRATATE!" Also:
  "Uh, when the hell did that happen?" Leigh pointed at the naval ship that had just appeared next to the Pearl. "And why is it tied to us?"
  Jira shrugged and ducked as an English cleric flew over her head. "Because the author doesn't know the difference between Loose and Lose, nor does she know Canon from Cannon."
• In "Gorillaz In The MST", Agent Kestrel threatens Murdoc Niccals if he does anything wrong like so:
  Kestrel: One false move from yew, sir, one word outta yore mouth wot I don’t like, an’ I’ll cockblock yer by kickin’ it til ye ‘ave a falsetto wot’d make Justin Bieber jealous. Any questions, dearie?
  Murdoc: Erk.
• With A Side of Chips and a Soda has a Gary Stu that, thanks to Ambiguous Syntax, is a giant walking sandwich.
  "Anyway, you are charged with deliberately poor writing, wanton cruelty to punctuation, violation of the laws of physics, violating the laws of chemistry, violating the laws of biology, being ridiculously over-powered, misusing Hammerspace, creating minis, abuse of the word ‘chopper,’ annoying PPC agents, and being an abomination against nature due to being a sandwich that walks like a man. [...] Nameless bit character," Laura said to the trembling woman. "You are charged with being a nameless bit character, for aiding and abetting a Stu, and for having a grasp of reality so thin that you have no problem with a giant sandwich."
• Ring Child, which has the misspelling 'a hord was being blown'. There happened to be a very large number of goblins nearby at the time.
  • Later:
    Nume: [Charging the Stu]...Opening the Doors of Durin, causing Frodo to sprout a fro, causing unspeakable things to happen in Moria, ...Yup. Ahem, I know damn well I'm leaving charges out, but those are the important ones.
    Suicide: You forgot "mass goblin sex".
    Nume: I said "unspeakable things in Moria". Unspeakable, as in should not be spoken of ever again.
  • Ilraen's diary during The Plague. Especially the 20x repetition of "I will not steal my partner's underwear."
• The ending of the mission where Redd and Jill take on one of the horrors perpetrated by ultamite nineball, in which Jack and the Death of Rats argue over the soul of God Mode Stu Zain. "Sister Vanity will like him a lot."
• Any time Kirill and Zug are on a mission.
• Agents Maria, Mark, Cadmar and Miah going on a trip around Europe.
• The discussion of what to do with Snoofles of Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen: "Well, we can't exactly kill it, can we? Wouldn't be very politically correct. Besides, it's a panda that actually wants to have sex. Which is more than most actual pandas can say right now."
  Mordecai (hanging onto the top of a car): Why didn't we use the Remote Activator?!
  Jack the Hunter (same predicament): You're the one with a functioning psyche!
• "Great. The world is ending, reality is falling apart, but don’t worry because I have a rubber chicken that will make it all better. Thank you very much."
  • Funnily enough, it does.
  • Also, beforehand, the poorly done crossover (Haruhi and The Twilight Saga) is causing reality itself to "turn into custard" and the canons start noticing:
  Kyon: Wha? Jumps to his feet as his chair disintegrates from under him
  Mikuru: (in a sweetly terrified voice) Miss Suzumiya, what’s going on? Miss Nagato?
  Nagato: It appears that an external reality is exerting a deleterious influence on this one. Large amounts of corrupt or irrelevant data are flooding this universe’s reality matrix.
  Kyon: Never mind that, can you fix it?
  Nagato: No.
  Kyon: Why not?!
  Nagato: I have no control over the data responsible… however, they do. Points straight at the Agents hiding behind Haruhi’s desk.
  The Fisherman: So much for the SEP field, steps into the open
• One of the forbidden weapons on the Things I Am Not Allowed To Do In The PPC list, among some more usual things like "minigun" and "Wave-Motion Gun" is "sack full of adamantium power doorknobs".
• When tackling Rainbow Factory, a Warhammer native is explaining how to use plastic explosives to the other Agents on the mission.
  Kilroy: “Put somewhere you want to disappear. Push shiny buttons. Run like Horus is after you. Blammo!”
  • From the same mission, Caroline tells a mini-Discord:
    “No chaos– oh. Oh, no, never mind, mini. In fact, all of these ponies would like to have inverted wings. Wouldn’t that be funny?”
    • The mini complies eagerly.
• Mittens and the Radioactive Moss Creature wind up destroying a crash dummy while killing a really hideous Supernatural Sue. Mittens says that the tech department is going to be mad. The RMC says they didn't have a choice, "Unless the Flowers want a Glittery Woman who haunts the roads, luring unsuspecting canons to their deaths."
• One Redwall fic filled with modern technology such as computers and email had a typo in which the R was left out of the phrase "endless stretch of ocean". The universe reinterpreted "stetch" as "stench".
  • And then it reinterprets the "Hemlic" maneuver as "Hemlock".
• The same Agents that handled that mission also handled a Pirates of the Caribbean fic chock full of Malapropisms. Highlights include "gems with insulting lines", Norrington being "under the influence of a powdered wig", and a character who "often kept her bosom neatly tied".
• In Eris Discord, Agents Mervin, Hyde, Snape, and Sands are assigned to kill off all Snape-obssesed Sues before the release of Deathly Hallows. The group is in despair, considering the sheer number of Sues, until they hit upon the perfect idea - using Snape as bait to lure the Sues together and let them kill each other off. Cue one hilarious scene of Snape being hung from the ceiling in a harness, screaming, cursing, and flailing, while the Sues engage in a death match underneath him. And when Sands thinks that things are sounding too calm, he kicks Snape out again to get them worked up. Then, there's the snarky descriptions of the various Sues themselves.
  “Goddamn!” Mervin shouted, eyes widening. “Did you see that, Hyde?!”
  Hyde looked appalled. “Unfortunately, I did,” she said shakily. “I didn’t know Sues could do that.”
  “That was…” Mervin checked her files. “Ariah Morrigan. She’s a badly written goddess—I suppose badly written goddesses can do that…”
  “Not all of us present are blessed with the gift of sight, you inconsiderate twats,” Sands said irritably.
  “Her vagina just ate someone,” said Mervin. Sands whooped in appreciation.
• One of the missions takes on noted squickfic Draco's Christmas Cuppa, available here. It has its moments, but chief among them is during the climax. So to speak.
  "WHY IS THE POOP THERE?"
  • Also, Doktor Trollenfisch's ignorance of human anatomy. "Zer head is zer bit on zer top vhere zer face goes, ja?"
  • Doktor Trollenfisch, upon turning from a talking fish into a human, wonders why he has nipples since, being a male, he doesn't need them.
    Doktor Trollenfisch: Do all your males be havink zer superfluous neeples?!
• What do you get when you take a Skarmory, drop him in a Dora the Explorer crackfic, and get him doped on too much Suebuprofen? This mission. That's what.
  Despite Ripper’s attempt to get him to snap out of it, though, he was still imagining Dora suddenly shouting something in eldritch tongue, followed by tentacles emerging from her orifices to molest wildlife.
  (Which, incidentally, is more or less exactly what happens when they exorcise her.)
• After fleeing the horror entitled Subjugation, Suicide and Dio hid out in Azeroth for several years, running a weapons shop in Stormwind City. Imagine a deranged Scythian-Spartan Death Seeker and a reformed Legomance Sue as fairly successful business-people!
• During the mission in "Azelynn of the Desert", Aster and Lore wind up attracting the attention of a Beamos. Only it was misspelled "Beemos", so it went from shooting Frickin' Laser Beams to turning into a Bee-Bee Gun. Cue the sight of two trained assassins, one human and one a beast, running in circles and screaming like little girls due to being attacked by bees. After the scene transition saves them, they immediately agree to never mention it again.
• Not even the PPC is safe from the Goose from Untitled Goose Game
• On a The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess mission, agents Aster and Lore argue over whether or not they should kill the Sue before she's been properly sentenced. Lore calmly points out that either way, they can't get rid of her right now...because Ganondorf swooped in and kidnapped her while they were busy arguing.
• In "Moaning Mary, Simpsons Sue", the Simpson kids were described as doing things that'd be impossible with normal human limbs, which results in Lisa (or rather her replacement) having knees that bend backwards and Bart having four arms. Also, their faces and Lisa's hands and feet are described as "plum" and her hands as "peach", causing those body parts to change colour.
  Laburnum: "Geez, are these supposed to be kids or bowls of fruit?"
• From "How Will I Clean My Fur?" (mildly NSFW, although it's Not What It Looks Like), Steven and Wallis find themselves in the office building of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, then instantly are sent to the Simpsons' house. They find out that it's because the words said, "Transition into fema— shit, I mean to the Simpson's house!"
  Steven: "Is this a frackin' Bleepfic?"
• The Dubious Lube page on the Wiki Crosses the Line Twice: it's about gay men in fanfiction who've used a number of inappropriate things as lube, including glue, hot stuff such as soup and melted sugar, bat guano, bamboo shoots, and hydrochloric acid.
• On the Wiki's Mary Sue page, it makes an analogy, comparing a Mary Sue messing up the canon to a woman coming over and tracking mud on the carpet, dragging the table into the attic, tie-dying the bedspread, and pulling up the garden because she doesn't like how the basil is next to the thyme, "all the while claiming to love the house and everything in it (except that nasty basil, who obviously isn't good enough for the thyme)".
• From this Star Trek: Voyager mission, there are heaps of funny moments:
  • It begins with Cyba, a liberated Borg like Seven of Nine, dancing, and singing badly. The fact that she sings in the Borg voice doesn't help.
  • The Gary Stu's name is Jack Russel, so since he wasn't described, he's rendered as a dog-man. When he's introduced, he's drinking a glass of "whine", which is like wine, but it whines like a mosquito.
  • Whenever the story forgets a punctuation mark, one appears out of nowhere. At one point, Cyba throws a question mark at Jack. She also throws paper airplanes with taunts written on them at him.
  • Seven of Nine develops an accent because she's asked to "heil" a ship. Later, due to "Borg" being misspelled as "Borge", Cyba temporarily develops a bad French accent.
  • Jack is described as coming "abored" the ship, which causes Cyba to quip that she's "bored" of the bad spelling. He then "entars" Voyager, which turns into covering it with tar. That night, he gets a "knight's sleep", causing his quarters to fill up with medieval armour.
  • Jack's weapons include a lightsaber, a rocket "luncher", and "laseryer guns", which are ray guns that make "yer" noises. He also carries all those weapons at once, and when he misplaces them, he fights with his "bear hands", which makes him grow bear claws.
  • "People" is misspelled as "pepole", which turns into a pole with pea plants growing on it.
  • Jack surfs on a "meteorite".
    Kazon: "But that no make sense!"
    Eagrus and Cyba: "Agreed!"
  • Jack flirts with Seven of Nine by claiming he can easily "defate" the Borg. Cyba points out that that wouldn't work as a pickup line for Seven of Nine, and besides, the Borg don't believe in fate, so "de-fating" them wouldn't work. Similarly, when "assimilate" is spelt as "assmilte", Cyba says that she doesn't melt backsides.
  • "Borg cube" gets misspelled as "Borg cubed", resulting in three Cybas naturally causing a panic attack. Also, the trio give Eagrus three evil smiles which he considers to be even more terrifying than just one.
  • There's a drink called "coughee", which is caffienated but produces coughing fits.
• This moment occurs between two missions by two different authors. In Valon Vance and Kala Jeng's seventh mission, a discussion of sphinxes includes a mention of Rashida Mafdetiti, a sphinx agent by another author.
  Elsewhere in the multiverse, a certain albino sphinx sneezed.
  • Sure enough, in Rashida's next appearance...
  Before Rashida could say anything in response, she abruptly sneezed.
• "Why Would You Quit?":
  • Valon attempts to drown out a Five Nights at Freddy's fansong by rapping over it with a ditty he composed on the spot. Kala doesn't have it in her to tell him he's not improving the situation.
  • Valon learning that yes, agents are allowed to get their hands on high explosives immediately after explaining why it would be a bad idea.
    "... well, that's me wrong."
  • Valon's plan for getting rid of the uber-powerful Springtrap and Harry's noncanon brother Micheal is to switch the two when Dumbledore drops Harry off at the Dursley's doorstep so Micheal will have been Springtrap the entire time. Then he ties up Spring-Micheal with detonation cord and C4 to blow him to kingdom come... and decides to make his own episode of Mythbusters while he's at it.
    Valon: On this episode of PPC Mythbusters, we test the myth that immunity to fire grants immunity to a pressure-based explosion! Who are the PPC Mythbusters?
    Kala: You can make a show later.
    Valon: But but but... I got a high-speed camera and everything...
• Valon strikes again, with the aid of Miguel Correa and Ami Seeker.
  • First, there's the Instant Cosplay Curtain, which he keeps trying to shove fellow agent Miguel into, in a manner reminiscent of that other Haruhi.
  • Then, there's his constantly being tossed around by scene changes, with his wardrobe suffering each time.
  • At the end of the mission, the Host Club just won't shut up long enough for him to neuralyze them; they're all distracted by how tall he is.
  • Ami makes a Bond One-Liner after dealing with the fake Hermione, which Miguel promptly lampshades. She has no idea what he's talking about.
  • After that, the agents are ready to drag away the fake Hermione to be charged...until a distinctive Noblewoman's Laugh rings out, and they realize they forgot to neuralyze Renge. Whoops.
    "So foreign agents from outside the universe intrude on what seems like the plot of a bad fanfiction to stop intruders from ruining the story! That's what you are, right!?"
• From the Marissa Picard missions:
  • Part 1:
    • The story begins with Spock and an OOC Saavik, who are now married, flirting. Saavik is teasing Spock about never missing his pon farr, and claiming she's too horny to want to be logical. Alec says in a spooky voice to Saavik:
      Alec: "You are a VUUULLL-CAAAN. You LIIIIKE logic. Logic is your friend."
    • Alec entertaining himself by playing "Jingle Bells" on the transporter console, while Picard and his crew struggle not to mention the music.
    • When the "Kid's Crew" is first brought up, the narration notes that "the universe groaned and logic fled". When Picard expresses reservations at putting children at risk, it says that "logic reasserted itself for a precarious second", but when Riker reveals that Marrissa's Kobayashi Maru took 20 minutes, it says that "logic collapsed around them" and "gave a sickening slurp before crawling out of the story with a pathetic whimper."
    • Gul Ducat turns into a gold coin (since a ducat is a type of coin) but no one seems to notice, and when Legat Tural's name is misspelled as "Toral", he turns into a tribble (since usually a misspelling in a Star Trek mission produces a miniature tribble, but seeing as Tural is an Original Character, he turns into one instead).
    • Alec gets drunk due to his frustrations with the story, then gets the hiccups and starts teleporting every time he hiccups. He teleports to a blonde swordswoman, the top of Voyager's hull, a Klingon party, the Justice League's watchtower, a Star Fury, and finally what he thinks is limbo before going back to the Enterprise-C's bridge.
    • Due to a typo, the Romulans are called the "Romans", which results in the warbird turning into a galley ship being rowed by Romulans in togas and laurel wreaths.
  • Part 2:
    • When a character says that the aliens must be "desperate" to allow a child to negotiate, Alec quips, "No, just dumb".
    • "Medieval" is misspelled as "midevil", and Alec jokingly wonders if it's significantly different from a "greatly evil" castle.
    • Alec and Q watching a fight scene as though it were a bad movie, complete with popcorn.
• In the otherwise-disturbing "Jack the Squicker", the phrase "privet parts" results in Heather growing leaves on her lower area.
• At the end of "Video Games Rot Your Brains", Kaito Hoshino asks if he gets any time off so his broken arm can heal. Everyone-and-thing in the Medical department proceeds to start laughing at the idea, except for the Vulcans (who merely crack smiles) and Kaito himself.
• "Eternal Sue" has a porta-potty version of Draco Malfoy throwing playing cards at the Sue. The cause is a sentence describing what Malfoy is doing that leaves out the K in "looked"; the Words interpret "looed" as a reference to a card game and a slang term for the bathroom (both called "loo") at the same time.
• In "Lady of the Fellowship", Jay and Acacia not only make themselves invisible, their yarn turns invisible too, which Jay wants to make into a scarf. And it's still invisible when the ladies turn visible again. In "Protector of the Ringbearer", Jay and Acacia kill a blue unicorn, so they take it to Agent Luxury to taxidermy and the yarn to knit. She wants to knit some invisible panties.
• In this mission, the fic is a parody of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, using characters from Star Wars. Anakin is Harry, Owen is Dudley, Yoda is Dumbledore, and Jar Jar Binks is Hagrid.

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