Funny / Oxventure Deadlands

A chronology of all the hilarious moments in the Oxventure Deadlands campaign.

For other Outside Xbox funny moments:

• For moments related primarily to gameplay videos (Let's Plays, livestreams and Xmas Challenges) go here
• For moments related primarily to non-gameplay videos (Top X videos, Show of the Week/Weekend and other videos), go here
• For moments from Dungeons & Dragons Oxventure moments (stories 1 through 25), go here.
• For moments from Dungeons & Dragons Oxventure moments (stories 26 through 60), go here.
• For moments from Dungeons & Dragons Oxventure moments (stories 61 and onwards), go here.
• For moments relating to Oxventure Presents Blades in the Dark, go here

Story 1: "Running Them Down"

• Introductions as the group get off the train go well
  Garnet: I see you have a newspaper advertisement.
  Edie: Yes, intriguing.
  Garnet: Yes, well...yes.
• Silas and Delacy immediate hit the bar. Silas asks for a sippin' wiskey. And then drinks it on the assumption it will rehydrate him.
• The barman asks Delacy if he wants milk or apple juice. Delacy asks for a double.
  Barman: Double apple juice!
• Delacy's response is to stare daggers.
  Delacy: I'm old enough! You old enough to make bad choices.
  Silas: I like this kid.
• Delacy is untrained in intimidation, but he rolls the highest result and scares the barman.
  Nate: I'm going to walk into the saloon. My grave digger senses are growing wild.
• Delacy swigs his prize...and immediately begins choking and sobbing because he is a small 13 year old. He thinks he's being poisoned. Silas takes and drains the whiskey: Delacy says he's owed a dollar.
• Edie goes into the saloon to get some work off the books.
  Andy: The barkeep is terrified beyond reason.
• Nate, who is in his early 80s, chases after Delacy, shuffling along. Andy calls for an Athletics roll: Nate shuffles slightly faster.
• Garnet asks Delacy about his large piece and wonders if he has experience using it. Luke's face grimaces, and then he shoots a mailbag.
  Nate: I break into a run, I assume that was at me.
• The group heads to the ranch, which is fairly run-down: Silas sees only one horse, which he likes because he is scared of horses.
• Victoria, the woman who hired the team, describes their first task: Heisting a museum train, she comments that the team probably doesn't know about it.
  Garnet: Can I roll for that?
• Nate gets a reward for figuring out where north is.
• Silas tries to get information to intimidate.
  Silas: I'm...a patron...of...the...arts!
• There is a map on the wall. Unfortunately, it is behind glass. Silas wrenches it off the wall, and successfully does so. He is now holding a giant glass case. He then drops it. Arlo doesn't hear this, he's too busy whistling counting his bribe money.
• Desperate to avoid using a horse, Silas suggests bringing another train.
  Nate: Wait: You want to bring a train robbery to another train robbery.
• Andy sets the scene for the stables: It is getting dark so he is moving around closing for the day in typical NPC fashion.
• There is a stagecoach that could be taken to the train tracks: The guy running it is concerned about being intimidated. And Silas is there.
• There is an additional rider for horse rust-proofing: It means the renter is not liable for the horse's health.
• Once the coach is obtained, a valuable question is asked: Who will drive it? No one wants to do it.
  Jane: This is what happens when you never read everyone else's character sheet.
• Delacy opts to do it. Not because he has any skill, but because he won't admit he doesn't. He spends his bennies to roll well enough to succeed: So he only fails to get on the coach twice.
• Garnet rides shotgun, and talks to Delacy. When she informs him that she deals cards, he asks if she knows any card tricks.
  Jane: Just imagine I do one.
• Edie gets a benny for putting up with Nate's sleep apnea.
• The tracks are blocked by the stagecoach. Delacy drifts it in the place.
• The group tries to pretend there was a stagecoach accident. Nate is happy to play a doddering old fool, Edie is happy to be a concerned woman who just had problem with transportation. Delacy, however, isn't convinced he's a good actor, so he just sits there looking mean.
• The group decides to try this heist quietly. Silas is more concerned about his cage getting rattled.
• Delacy and Garnet roll well to handle the horses, to the point where they are bonded: Silas just sits and mutters, glaring.
• Silas tries to talk to the train driver after Garnet pulls them over, and one Critical Failure later, he has guns in his face.
• Silas's roll is matched by Edie, who spends all of her bennies to fail.
• Silas gets a second Critical Failure. He runs into a tree.
• Delacy attempts to get on the train to help out. Nate, being hammered, has a plan of "helping as little as possible."
• Andy calls for a performance roll for Delacy and Nate: Delacy rolls a critical success three times in a row. Nate rolls terribly, but his performance is so irritating they ignore him to watch Delacy's masterpiece.
• Delacy then draws his pistol and explains that its name is Rooster, and wonders if they know why.
  Silas: Because you just cocked it?
  Delacy: That was better than mine, actually. Because when it crows, it's going to be a beautiful day.
• Nate draws his shotgun as well.
• Silas attempts to crack a safe using the code 1-2-3-4. After a failure, everyone wonders how he can blame this on horses. It's because he's too distracted by concerns about horses to open the safe.
• Silas intimidated for the code: After a successful roll, it is 1-2-3-5.
  Silas: Are you horses in disguise?
• As the carriage with the artifacts is dark, the group searches for a light source.
  Delacy: I have dynamite. Will that work.
• As it turns out, the "Wonder of the Ancient World" is actually a sasquatch.
• Edie goes first and wants to shoot it.
  Garnet: Wow, it's like shooting an angry panda on the way to the zoo.
• Edie uses a derringer. Nate can't stop laughing.
• After blundering the entire time, Silas shoots the sasquatch for 20 damage.
• Delacy questions his marksmanship.
  Delacy: Am I moving if I'm on a horse?
  Nate: (deadpan) Yes.
• Delacy's boost does allow him to soak penalties, so moving on a horse won't be harmful. However, called shots to the head are at penalty. Delacy doesn't need to do that, but well, it is Delacy, and that's what he would do.
• Garnet reveals herself to be a cardslinger hedge sorceress. She wants to try to gain enough power to cast Burst.
  Edie: Burst what? The sasquatch?
• Burst turns out to be a flamethrower spell. But after a long process that involves playing cards with a demon, then rolling for damage and getting several crits, she ends up doing a whopping 28 damage. Andy immediately declares that the sasquatch does burst after all.
• Taking the sasquatch home, Delacy wants to keep Ned, the horse. The group claims the horse died, but reminds that they bought the insurance.
• Delacy proposes a marksmanship gamble. After not shooting the rancher because he said Delacy was 8. He gambles to shoot the eye out of the King of Hearts, offering Rooster in return. The man agrees, and tosses the deck. Delacy pulls out Rooster...and shoots the rancher in the knee.

Story 2: "Dead Man's Worth, Part 1"

• Andy summarizes the first story: The group is hired by Victoria McCloury, who tested the guild by having them steal a book, and on the way, they murdered a sasquatch.
  Johnny: There it is.
• Nate opens the scene by eating beans. After a roll, Johnny gleefully describes it as most of the beans going down Nate's shirt. Delacy is notably getting annoyed and antsy at this. Eventually, Garnet sides with Delacy.
  Garnet: One day, they will invent something called ASMR. That is the opposite.
• Garnet is playing solitaire. And betting against herself. Jane remarks that she can't remember how to play solitaire because Windows sets it up for her. But she could use her magic to make the cards bounce around if she wins.
• Neither Delacy nor Nate knew about Garnet's powers, as they were outside the train when it happened: Everyone just came out covered in gore. Silas is taking credit.
  Victoria: You came across a sasquatch?
  Nate: We came across what remained of a sasquatch.
  Delacy: The sasquatch was killed, so really, it came across you.
• The dead sasquatch is a shame: There aren't many of them. But Garnet points out you can't make an omlet without killing a few sasquatches.
• Delacy eager spins his revolver Rooster. Nate tries it with his shotgun and fails miserably.
• Nate's supplies consist of a shovel handle (which his bindle is draped on), and beans.
• Delacy has dynamite, so no one set him on fire.
• The wet goods shop serves soup by the handful and tropical fish.
• As the group leaves to go on their mission, they pass Humble Ned, whom Delacy shot to gain a horse. Delacy shoots him...a mean look.
• After the group gathers their equipment, they go on the train. They decide to disguise as traders, but since Delacy doesn't know much about that, he can't think of a name. Nate comes up with...the Fabulous Jerk Sisters.
  Andy: You have five seconds to think of something better.
  Nate: Meat Strips du Jour.
  Delacy: Beats Jerkin' It. Which was the beginning and end of mine. It was loud and there in front of mind.
• Delacy discovers the novel concept that it is possible to break a hip. And while it's being explained, Dead Man's Worth, the town the group is trying to come across, passes in the background.
• Delacy helpfully mentions that Meat Strips du Jour is from Paris...Texas. That is helpfully done in the tiny font. And Delacy is embarrassed.
• It was apparently the best damn jerky ever made, and the driver is nearly indecent in his moans. As it turns out, the jerky was next to the opium.
• Nate explains that everyone wants something in the world. Humble Ned, for instances, doesn't want to be shot.
• After steadily drifting into a jerky and/or opium stage, the crew make it to Dead Man's Worth. The driver collapses in a stupor. Delacy immediately takes the bag back, although it is empty. Garnet pins a note to the man's chest: Stay here and there's more jerky in it for you.
• Johnny, who has played Deadlands before, helpfully explains what a fear level is for the audience. Luke asks for a two sentence summary for Delacy, a Book Dumb twelve-year-old.
  Nate: This place is a real shithole!
• Nate suggests luring out the bad guy, Ben Bellows, rather than pretending to be jerky salesman.
  Delacy: That's the second, or third, smart thing you said today.
• As it turns out, there is a quick draw competition with Mr. Bellows, given how so many people have tried to kill him in a duel.
• The barman had entered the contest: Apparently, he ran a former town that struck gold, when Bellows and his compatriots killed everyone else and took the prize. The barman entered the competition and was shot six times. Bellows then made an offer: Get shot six more times, or run the bar.
• One Notice roll later, Garnet finds out this barman is less creepy and more depressing.
• Andy describes the room the group has purchased is unremarkable. Johnny pouts.
• Garnet attracts attention when she sits down for cards. A coughing man asks her about her odds, and then says a lot of people had her confidence, then points out the window to the Boot Hill: The large cemetery.
• Garnet loses her Gamble roll, but fortunately, there were no bets.
• Delacy meanwhile, is listening to Nate tell a story about a footrace with a coyote.
  Delacy: I peer desperately at the street, anything happening?
• Delacy attempts to enter the contest with all of the grace of a child clamboring down the stairs on Christmas morning. While Garnet discusses with him the fact that they don't have a plan, Nate goes up and enters the contest.
• Andy explains the contest: The people who enter fight each other, although Bellows is considered a normal combatant and enters like everyone else. Delacy thinks he might have to fight Nate.
  Nate: If you have to shoot me, go ahead.
• Garnet questions if Bellows allows children to enter this contest: They are, and everyone cheers.
• The names are drawn, and Nate goes up against Bellows first round. Garnet questions if Nate is good with this type of shooting, as hunting is not the same thing as quick-draw. Before he rambles too long, Delacy interrupts and makes the crowd rowdy for blood.
• Delacy wonders if Nate is going to be killed by Bellows, but Nate returns that, according to the barman, Bellows keeps people alive if they can work in his town. And, as the cemetery shows, the one thing that town needs is something Nate has talent in: Digging graves.
• Garnet is unsure of whom she wants to win between Hattie, a frontierswoman, and Slim, the guy with consumption she talked to the previous day. So she makes a sign that says she hopes they both have a good time. As it turns out, Slim shoots Hattie through the head.
• After the second match which establishes surrender is an option as gunslinger named Rosa declines to kill a convict named Bill, Delacy goes against Rex Randall, a gunslinger in a white suit, a radio cowboy. Delacy draws so well that he gets Rex right through the throat.
  Garnet: Oh no, his white suit!
• Delacy goes over to score off Rex's name on the board: Garnet insists on waiting for the doctor.
• Delacy calls for a flashback so that Ben falls in the spike pit that was dug.
  Andy: If only this was Blades in the Dark...
• Nate attempts to shoot Bellows, and ends up getting shot in the chest.
• Delacy wants to shoot Bill for fatally wounding Nate, forgetting that Bill was the convict.

Story 3: "Dead Man's Worth, Part 2"

• As the story open up, Andy wonders why Delacy is so down.
  Andy: Oh, right, Johnny died.
• While Delacy is screaming angrily to Bellows, Garnet has gone to the undertaker. Because she's not burying Nate in some shitty town, so she tells the undertaker to box him up to be taken home. The coffin is turned into a tinfoil swan.
• The gravedigger asks Garnet who will be paying for the burial: Garnet wonders if there is a code among gravediggers. One Notice roll later, and as it turns out, burial is given free of charge as part of the rules of the duel, and this guy is just shaking her down.
• Delacy is sobbing profusely, but Garnet gets the sense he is not a huggable kid. He claims Garnet didn't even try to help.
  Andy: Meanwhile, the undertaker drags in the corpse of Rex Randall which has a gaping hole in his throat and in his underwear.
  Delacy: Was he about to be a surrogate grandfather to Delacy?
• Delacy kicks Rex's corpse. The embalmer goes to work, which is apparently very loud and sounds like milkshake through a straw.
• Delacy is drawn to fight Slim for the next bout.
  Delacy: Okay, we go up to Ben Bellows's house and...oh wait, gotta kill someone first.
• Garnet describes what growing up is: Being so angry you want to shoot someone, but waiting for the right time to do it.
  Delacy: That is the foundation of an adult personality.
• Delacy and Garnet try to use their cover as jerky salesman. After a performance calling lying about liking jerky a sin, Andy calls for a Performance check. After a bunch of bennie spending for successes, Delacy wonders how to poison the jerky.
  Garnet: It was frosted with opium.
• The guard agrees to give the jerky to Bellows at the end of his shift. But Delacy isn't sure if that would be before the duel, and therefore Delacy wants to propose a way to get the guy to end his shift early: Getting shot in the legs.
• Delacy taunts Slim and then gets him right through the throat.
• After Rosa is shot several times by Ben, Delacy tries Counting Bullets and concludes that Ben only has one bullet left. Garnet goes for Stating the Simple Solution and remarks he's able to reload his guns. For bonus points, Delacy also miscounts, and Andy starts to crack up when he realises Luke has only counted to five.
• After increasingly ludicrous and unsuccessful ways to think of clever ways Bellows could be gaming the duels, Delacy moans and wonders if perhaps Bellows is some sort of witch.
• Delacy successfully wins his duel, and begins dealing with it with Garnet is hearing a strange sound from the coffins. As it turns out, Nate is still alive. And then the game stops because everyone needed to get comfortable and Jane used Johnny's empty chair for her phone.
• Nate immediately walks out of the undertaker's, and blasts a guy's spine out.
  Delacy: Holy shit!
  Nate: Shoot now, ask questions later.
  Delacy: We're learning!
• The goons shoot at Nate, but get distracted by a bird. They miss Nate, but shoot the bird.
• Garnet grabs Delacy to get him in cover. She rolls Faith to determine where she runs into... and does so well she ends up in a gun shop.
• Garnet casts a spell for an array of sparks that, thanks to some incredible dice rolls, turn three guards into ash.
  Delacy: Jiminy Crickets! You're some kind of witch!
  Garnet: We have a lot to talk about.
• Nate stalks out a la The Terminator and blasts Bellows. Delacy only wants to hug Nate's clammy walking corpse.
• Garnet gets the doctor, who is definitely interested in more opium. So much that he is convinced the opium is inside Delacy.

Story 4: "Forty Times a Killer, Part 1"

• As the story opens, Silas is expertly describing his dislike of horses, for their long faces and equine intelligence. And the power to kick a man apart. Edie attempts to convince him to befriend a small one and work his way up.
• Victoria attempts to join in and assist Edie, describing her small horse in the field, but when told the horse's eyes, like all of them, are jet black pits, Silas declines.
• The culprit is Daisy "Shit-Can" Ducrow, who is forty times a killer. She killed forty people before she joined the gang. And no, she did not calm down after joining.
• Daisy's preferred method of murder is poison. Silas declares that he will stick with alcohol to counteract the poison. Before Edie can tell him that won't work, he's already started.
  Silas: It's drinking a skill? What do I roll for it?
  Andy: Two fingers of whiskey is a free action.
• Victoria asks if anything else is needed? Edie asks for snacks. She gets sandwiches, and a pot of hummus, which Silas licks clean.
• The town they enter, Hobb's End, is a well-off place, but sparsely populated, and a plague is suspected. Silas is even more eager to go to the saloon.
• At the saloon, Silas drinks straight bourbon while Edie drinks sweet tea. After hearing talk of Ducrow at a supposed "sanitorium", the pair decide to hit the pharmacist next, chugging their drinks before they go. Apparently, sweet tea goes straight to your head.
• There is a boy sweeping the bar and Edie goes to make conversation. He is convinced a monster is killing people, and Ellen cannot compose herself. Mike fares little better.
• Edie gives the boy a dollar, who then promptly quits his job.
  Silas: We're just saving you employment costs in this difficult time. You're welcome.
• At the pharmacist, the group discuss the old-timey procedures that should have worked. Edie was quite certain the opium/cocaine mixture should've worked.
• The pharmacist also discusses the little boy sweeping floors with Silas, including his fully formed perfect accent. And the fact that Andy can't remember the name.
• The pharmacist went to the sanitorium in the hopes of learning something to treat the plague, out of professional courtesy. However, they turned him away when they found he had no money.
  Silas: Should've said yes.
• The pharmacist went home and had a cocaine and lead tincture.
  Edie: That's a preventive. Try something else.
  Silas: Opium is good.
• The pharmacist pulls out opium eyedrops. His eyes dilate to basically pupil.
• There is a lock on a guest's luggage. Edie cannot pick it so Silas, with prompting from Andy, busts it open.
  Silas: What a great idea I had.
• Inside are a set of fancy clothes: Silas opts to change not in the middle of the street. Andy calls for a stealth roll, just to ensure no one sees Silas's ass. The clothes are for a man much larger than Silas, so Edie uses bobby pins to help hold it in place. Andy calls for a repair roll. This goes poorly.
• Edie is able to cover for her bad roll as, due to the fact that the sanitarium admits sick people, Silas is wasting away. When Andy brings up Silas's voice, he declares everyone talks that way back East. Edie is not pleased.
• Silas completely overacts and claims to be a "Mr. Free" who has convulsions.
• The bill needs to be paid, so Silas rummages in the pockets. While pretending to be ill so as not to draw notice.
• The bill is $10,000, and Silas rolls to get a success with a raise.
  Silas: A $10,000 raise?
  Andy: You REALLY notice you don't have the money.
• Edie begins to talk about the funds, as she claims to handle the finances. But Silas punches Dr. Harker in the face.
• This doesn't work so a fight breaks out. The director claims "Mr. Free" isn't Silas's name.
  Edie: Nothing is free, sir. (Andy gives her a bennie for that)
• Harker points out that he was an experiment by Ms. Ducrow. He was put to use. He's a zombie creature called a Poxwalker, covered in pustules and boils.
  Silas: Handling accounts? How is that a gift?
• The combat begins: Silas fails his first shot, but the second one is incredible. Once the third round starts, Harker does well.
  Edie: A pox on you! Oh, wait.
• Edie is attacked, but she has Nerves of Steel. Unfortunately, for Silas, it doesn't make gross zombie doctors explode.

Story 5: "Forty Times a Killer, Part 2"

• Mike shows off the sponsored dice...then drops it, rolls a 1 and declares he's shot himself in the foot.
• Silas summarizes the previous episode: He and Edie "stealthily" made their way in by pretending to be rich people, and then when it came time to pay the bill, they resorted to violence.
• After the combat, Edie patches herself up. Normally, a healing roll is reduced without proper equipment, but since she is in a doctor's office, Andy waives it. However, she does have to spend 10 minutes next to the Poxwalker's gross corpse.
• There is a low whining sound: Silas clarifies that it's not him.
• Silas looks into a medical ward and sees a phrenology head. It was clarified that even in the Wild West, phrenology is discredited.
  Silas: Good, I'll stick to cocaine and opium.
• Edie thinks that this place isn't completely all about medicine. But the Poxwalker was only part of the reason she came to that conclusion.
• The pair spot a Senator going for treatment. Silas attempts to sneak in and notice. The successful Stealth rolls lets him get undetected. The failure at notice means his hat is knocked in front of his eyes.
• The pair grab bedpans and make fighting rolls: They both fail and clang the bedpans together in a high five.
• Edie attempts to persuade the staff to stop a medical procedure that appears to be some sort of transfer between a diseased man and a Senator the group saw earlier, causing the Senator to become well and the sick guy intense pain. Silas shouts "You better listen to the lady" which turns it to Intimidation. Once that fails...Edie tries kind words.
• The Senator comes out. Silas declares he didn't vote for him, and shoves him back into the tube, banging his head on the tube. Silas then wonders if the tube has a reverse feature.
• Silas demands the location of Ducrow, but the orderlies won't talk. Silas thinks it's because they'll get used in the tubes.
• Edie persuades the man persuaded by her, Sweet William, to let her know where Ducrow is. Edie thanks him, and he blushes.
• The unpersuaded orderly sets off an alarm, the other one who was persuaded is combing his hair and looking for some breath mints.
• While the alarm sounds, it doesn't sound like anyone is around, so Silas switches the Senator and the plague victim, Robert, and throws the switch. Waxman is unconscious, but he basically melts like a candle.
  Andy: It pings like a microwave.
• Edie jumps in the tube to ensure she heals from the infectious wound she took from Doctor Harker. It works, but Waxman's face falls off his skull.
• Silas hopes to use the tubes to kill Ducrow, but Edie questions whether or not a recipient would be needed.
• Sweet William is told to wait behind and ruminate on how he helped the atrocities here. Andy calls for a Fear check.
• Silas, Edie, and the now armed Robert go through the vents. Silas exits the vents, causing them to crash. Edie immediately wonders if Robert is okay.
  Silas: Hey!
  Edie: You caused it, you get second.
• The fall from the vent causes Silas's hat to be stuck over his head as he fails another Notice roll.
• Silas becomes increasingly agitated and insists he is Sweet William. The old orderly isn't buying it. Eventually, the old orderly asks him to say "Sweet William's" favorite lunch. Silas slides over the eaten tin of hummus, and rolls so well the door opens. Then, Silas rugby-tackles the orderly.
  Edie: Edie is just standing there watching.
  Silas: It worked, didn't it.
• The 90 year old orderly is weak, but Silas rolls so poorly that he stands firm.
• Edie convinces the orderly that the Senator was evil, in fact, he nearly killed Robert. The orderly wants to clock the Senator, and can't grasp Edie's metaphors that the Senator is dead.
  Edie: You're going to have to wait until it's your time.
  Orderly: Why, we taking numbers?
• Daisy is fought, and she heals damage she takes. Edie immediately grabs a pencil to stake her.
  Daisy: I'm not a vampire, you idiot.
• Silas yanks off Daisy's cape, leading to part of her brain being exposed.
• Daisy jams a piece of her exposed brain into Robert's mouth, which is lethal poison.
• Edie respectfully closes Robert's eyes... while Silas is struggling to get the ring off of Daisy's fingers.
• Edie and Silas want to try helping Robert with the tubes again, so they bring the corpses up the stairs...finding the receptionist with a jug of sweet tea. Edie delightfully thanks her and drinks it...then tells her to leave town.
  Receptionist: I had the same idea.
• Thanks to the poison being part of Daisy's body, there is an advantage, bringing Robert back to life. He promptly gets the hell out of dodge.

Story 6: "The Town That Dreaded Justice, Part 1"

• As the story opens, Nate is sadly pushing a plate of beans around. As an undead Harrowed, they no longer taste properly.
• Silas tries not to be rude, but Nate smells atrocious. And Silas knows how Nate smelled before his death.
• Nate's fatal wound is still present. Beetles are crawling in it.
• To showcase his newfound talents, Nate commands all of the bugs in a 15-foot sphere to do his bidding.
  Silas: Were the termites load-bearing?
• It is an incredible power to control the insects, but under questioning from Garnet, Nate confirms that losing his appetite for beans makes the deal a raw one, all things considered.
• McClory informs that she has a line of credit for the team at the general store, which sells liquor. Nate stocks up, despite it being 11AM. He clarifies: It makes him more pleasant to be around.
• Nate makes it abundantly clear he does not touch Nate due to him being a corpse.
• Nate wants dried meat, but doesn't want to make the story about jerky. Apparently, this store has assorted dried meat, including zebra, you can put in a bag and weigh by the pound. As well as corn whiskey by the open bucket. Nate values quantity, and wants the cheap stuff: It deals with the smell of him being a walking corpse.
  Silas: You are going to be so flammable.
• Nate showcases his new healing abilities by breaking his finger and eating jerky. Silas, appropriately, is revolted.
• The group hires a stagecoach to go after their new target. This is eagerly approved: Nate can sit outside and no one has to deal with the smell.
• The town has a policy of no guns, and Nate is happy Delacy isn't there, as it would've caused a problem.
• In town, there is a law that alcohol is illegal. Nate looks incredibly shifty.
• Nate has a -2 to his Persuasion due to being dead, but it still passes.
  Andy: He looks slightly askance because of your whole... deal.
• Silas questions why Nate would imbibe a non-alcoholic liquid.
• In this city, whistling on a Sunday is punishable in the stocks for 18 months. Could've been worse, he could've been singing. The guy who did that ain't singing anymore.
• When asked if the guy in the stocks needs any assistance, he asks for zebra jerky. Andy questions how to roll for that, and declares the use of a focus roll. The resultant failed roll stabs him in the eye.
• The Lucky Nugget is a saloon, but as the town is a dry town, it only serves sarsaparilla and other Victorian-era tonics. Garnet orders a sarsaparilla because she wants to know what it is^note A lightly carbonated beverage not unlike root beer.
• The "bartender" of the dry town has no nose. Silas asks how he smells. Andy spitefully throws him a benny.
• The bartender is arrested for selling Nate's whiskey, and Nate goes out to help plead his case. Shuffling as fast as an eighty year old zombie can.
• While following the bartender, the group notices a man about to be hanged for public drunkenness and decides to help that. Garnet declares that there's no crime in asking the lawmen what is going on, but Silas points out all of the crazy laws here already, and it may in fact, be a crime to ask.
• As it turns out, the judge made some offenses capital punishment immediately. When Garnet asks about innocent until proven guilty, they can't stop laughing.
• Nate steps up to the gallows, and is told the viewing area is at the bottom of the stage. Nate explains: Firstly, he's horribly near-sighted.
• Nate asks if cursing is a crime that results in immediate death. The answer is no: A spectacular show trial is required first.
• Silas remarks that if Nate is already dead, the town can't kill him: It's double jeopardy.
• Nate utters blasphemous words: Heck. Darn. Ninny. Apparently, "beans" is even worse.
• Silas is arrested for falsely claiming to be Nate's lawyer.
• Garnet is arrested for having more than two colors on her waistcoat. Garnet demands to see the law, and in fact, it is in the charter.
• Garnet successfully cuts down the guy about to be hanged and yells to run. He does so, but he is wearing a hood and hits a tree.
• There is a painting of the lawman on a horse. It's lifesize, and the horse's eyes follow them around.
• Because the horse in the painting is lifesized, Silas, who is afraid of horses, has to make a spirit roll.
• Silas hears someone outside and headbutts the painting. He rolls very well, so Garnet suggests he should do more than simply come face-to-face with the person on the other side. But Andy declines: Silas doesn't have a three-foot neck.
  Silas: I'm about to.
• Nate requests that Silas headbutted the painting straight through the horse's head. Andy gives both Nate and Silas a benny for those jokes.
  Silas: I plead insanity.
• The guy is Jerry, the public defender. And reflects that he is impressed that Silas took the painting off the wall while being handcuffed.
• Jerry is in fact a terrible defense attorney: He was sentenced to public service for excessive sneezing.
• Nate attempts to use the metaphor of "cutting off the head of a snake", but apparently, that's a hanging offense too.
• The judge, M. T. Boudreau, is wearing a four-colored bowtie.
  Nate: There is no justice in this town.
• Jerry is picked up and thrown out of the courtroom for stammering.
• Garnet demands the evidence that she was wearing a three-colored vest. That she is still wearing.
• Apparently, Garnet is wanted in connection for blowing up a sasquatch. Garnet counters with diplomatic immunity. Nate declares they are from Spain.
• Silas pulls out an ace, and asks about the judge's history, pulling out the wanted poster.
• Nate is wanted in connection with the death of a man named "Nathaniel Janssen." Nate reveals he is this man, and shows the death wound.
  Silas: Quick, make bugs appear on him.
• Silas rolls a Critical Failure^note Rolling two or more 1's with no success, which means a benny cannot be rolled and declares stealing the guy's gun is going to get Silas shot in the ass. However, Nate points out he has a hindrance: "Trouble Magnet (Major)", so it would likely hit Nate instead.
  Silas: Through my ass?

Story 7: "The Town That Dreaded Justice, Part 2"

• The scene opens: The team is trying to assassinate a judge.
  Nate: When you put it like that, it sounds suspicious.
• Silas's name for the dynamite is Sticky Bang Bang.
• Nate wants to dig a bullet out of his shoulder with his finger. And concedes that being skilled in that would be suspicious.
  Andy: Well, so would being skilled in Survival. After all, you're dead.
• Silas calls for his last meal: A roast chicken. Nate is offered a last meal. He wants his jerky, however, he monologues on the fact that this isn't going to be his last meal, as the town already tried to kill him and failed.
  Guard: So you want nuthin'.
• Garnet requests a bag of sugar.
  Nate: Are you going to eat it grain by grain?
• There is no chicken: Silas is fed roast snake.
  Nate: When I was young, we called that desert chicken.
• Conversation derails when snakes having ribs is questioned. Apparently, Jane thought snake bones were more like a lollipop.
• As it turns out, the door has no lock, so Silas's plan of using snakebones for a lockpick fail.
• In this town, cutting your lawn too short will get you hanged. Leaving it too long will get you flayed.
• Garnet states she's planning a jailbreak. The prisoners respond that such a crime will get her hung, but she's already sentenced to hang and you can only have that happen once.
  Nate: Before today, I might've agreed.
• Garnet's plan is to use the sugar to lure ants into the cell, and have Nate's control insect powers use to unlock the gate. Andy is completely baffled as to what to roll and lets it happen.
• Nate suggests a distraction: Garnet can use her magic power to destroy the hinges on the door while Nate causes the bugs to crawl all over the prisoners.
• Garnet uses her power to summon a demon. Andy gives it the voice of a petulant old guy. It would rather kill Nate.
  Garnet: Melt the hinges.
  Demon: Aww, beans.
  Silas: Demon's getting arrested for cursing.
• After the ants skeletonize one of the prisoners as a distraction, Nate sends them on a guard and tells the ants to reign it in a bit. The ants only skeletonize half of the guard. He's surprisingly chill about it.
  Prisoner: Oh, I wasn't using those legs anyway.
• Nate and Silas find some uniforms and plan on wearing them. Not the same uniform, obviously.
• Garnet insists on setting free Petey Longrass, the other prisoner. Silas immediately stuffs him in the locker, like the nerd he is.
• Petey makes sound in the locker: Nate spins a yarn about how he has live desert chicken (i.e. snake) because it has fewer bones and he likes it fresh.
• Petey is found and returned to his cell. The guard begins the cell inspection, so Silas hits him against the bar.
  Silas: That's me, solving problems.
• Silas and the guard begin to brawl. Nate watches, missing the fact he doesn't have his gun.
• Great dice rolls makes Nate old-man slap the guard and knock him out.
• The guard explains that Boudreau is down where the bodies are: The coolest place in the room since that's where the corpses wait. He also laments that bodies should be put in a nice place while they await autopsy, although Nate points out that's not necessary: The people were hung so it was known how they died.
• The group goes to the mortuary. Andy calls for a notice roll. No one succeeds.
• Nate and Garnet become afraid when they encounter the glom, two animated corpses stitched together. Nate gets a phobia of gloms, and Garnet is now hesistant, which means, like Nate, she draws two cards and takes the lower for the duration of the fight.
  Nate: That's awful, you're now exactly like Johnny.
• The glom tries to fire at Silas, he gets snake eyes and it drops it.
• Nate is too shaken by the fact that he is like a glom due to being a zombie.
  Silas: You could be stuck to this thing.
• The group kills the glom by burning it. Nate gets the key...and then, remembering how Garnet used an alcohol based embalming fluid, gets plastered on it: Poison and drunkenness don't actually affect Harrowed.
• The evidence locker contains a square piece of very short grass because of the prisoners the group met. Andy throws Silas a benny for that joke.
• The group leaves the court house, and find that since Nate survived a hanging, the judge has ordered more improved ropes: Basically barbed wire.
• The group finds Boudreau in his office and open fire. He is nonplussed and demands they go back to their cells so they can be hanged in the morning.
  Garnet: We continue to open fire.
• Silas misses because he is too distracted by Boudreau's beard.
• Nate's pistol is effective, and considering that the weapons from the town seem to work better, Silas chucks a stolen baton at the guard. It doesn't work.
  Silas: What a weird anime moment.
• Nate wants to let the Devil out. Apparently, it needs to go to the bathroom
  Silas: Once you let it out, it will be clawing to come back in.
• Garnet is deputized, and then asks to get into cover. Andy remarks that the group never does that.
• Boudreau is knocked unconscious, so Nate politely requests to hang him with the barbed wire noose in the courthouse.

Story 8 "More Wonders Than There Are in the Heavens, Part 1"

• Delacy doesn't know how to talk to grown-ups. So he's looking for Nate.
• The final target is at a fair. Edie is glad to go, she wants to get some cotton candy. Delacy is skeptical and thinks she's had too many tinctures, so Andy calls for an opposed roll. Delacy now believes in cotton candy. Edie immediately regrets it.
• Tickets to the fair are 50 cents for an adult, 25 for a child. Delacy glares and sends over a dollar.
• Delacy has never been to a fair: He thinks a Ferris Wheel is a poorly designed windmill.
• Delacy has no concept of fraudsters, so he thinks the "Severed Hand of Wild Bill Hicock" must be real. Once Edie tells him otherwise, he keeps blurting it out. Things only devolve further when Edie tries to explain that the "mermaid" skeleton is not real.
  Delacy: What's a mermaid supposed to look like?
  Edie: Not a monkey.
  Delacy: Where are mermaids supposed to be.
  Edie: In the ocean, I expect.
  Delacy: So mermaids are real?
• There is cotton candy outside. Delacy, who never had it, fails a vigor check and his pupils dilate.
• Edie wants to go on the Ferris Wheel. An athletics roll is required since it never stops. Delacy is unaware that you don't say "I'm done" once its done.
• Bison Billie is attempting to wrangle together acts for the show. One guy, hoping to impress, draws a knife from his pocket and cuts his hand. He meekly says he'll go back to the stables, only for Billy to say to go to the medical tent: The blood will scare the horses. Later, a man screams that Jed has again been kicked in the head by a horse.
• Bison Billie offers to help if the pair will help in the Wild West show. Delacy throws up all the cotton candy he'd eaten.
• There's a train heist act. Delacy eagerly wants to kill the sasquatch. Billie is shocked... that the act is spoiled.
• Delacy shoots an apple so well that Billie declares he can shoot the pants off an ant. Delacy looks for the ant.
• Delacy expertly shoots during the show, but Billie wants to know if the exploding ammunition Delacy normally uses was switched out.
• Delacy does so well Billie offers a job.
  Billie: I'm afraid he's under contract.
• Edie points out she'll have to tell Nate he's gone. Delacy begins to sulk.
• Edie begins to sing, and Billie immediately goes to get the crowd to sell whiskey.
• An inanimate hand begins to choke Delacy. Luke jokes that such a thing doesn't change his voice much.

Story 9 "More Wonders Than There Are in the Heavens, Part 2"

• Delacy asks Edie to talk to some guards. And wonders if she learned how to talk from the guy from Nantucket she sang about.
• Edie fakes being lost to address a panicked guard, and Edie immediately begins to spin a tale. The guard picks up on it, and things Insect Lad came to life again. Billie and Delacy are trying to ambush, however, they are right next to the Insect Lad.
• The group ambushes the guard and takes his uniform. They tie the guard up, and then Insect Lad comes down to eat the tied up guard.
  Billie: I need to move my tent.
  Delacy: Don't share a wall with Insect Lad.
• The fairgrounds are lit up with lightbulbs, a new invention, at night. Delacy grabs one, not knowing they might be hot.
• Delacy asks Bison Bill what business he has with Aunt Hildy. Billie deflects and says it's a boring story, but Delacy points out they're having a long boring row across a lake.
• Edie attempts to pick the lock and does poorly. Billie then kicks the door in. Edie is impressed.
• The group breaks into the boathouse, but the boat oars are more like gondola oars. Delacy immediately screams how bad they are.
• Billie mentions that Delacy smelt bad after throwing up a lot of cotton candy. Luke doesn't want to listen, but he succeeds at a notice roll. He only hears "Cotton candy"
• Boating is actually a skill. Edie fails at it and just ends up going veering off, and only barely misses the fountain. Meanwhile, Billie and Delacy, hidden under a tarp, talk about an act.
• Edie is caught on the boat, and tries to tell a story. Of course, the problem is: They can't hear her. When the guy tries to speak to her, Billie pulls the guy into the lake. As his heavy coat starts to weigh him down, Billie then grabs the gondola oar and begins to shove the hapless guy down. The corpse gets swept into the fountain. Billie gets a benny for the murder
  Delacy: Must be powered by lightbulbs.
• There is an attraction for a Hall of Nutrition. Delacy is confused, and doesn't understand it. After all, he ate nothing but cotton candy.
• Delacy gets a roll of 23 on a Notice roll and gets an announcement to take his seat: Delacy doesn't do it.
• Delacy finds some animatronics singing about nutrition. He draws a gun, but then kicks the broccoli.
• Edie tries to explain, but Delacy points out she lied about the mermaid.
• Delacy hides by pretending to be a little boy in the scene. And then the animatronics attack.
• The carrot animatronic uses two carrot nunchaku.
• Delacy is happy to kill the vegetables. Delacy is shaken and spits out a tooth, but it was a baby tooth.
• Delacy kills the banana, but he asks what the weapon was. Andy decides it's a rolling pin that it was about to make banana bread.
• After the destruction of the fruits and vegetables, Billie wonders where the meat section is. The next one is the bread section with a bread animatronic and a baker.
• Edie attempts to kill a bread animatronic. She goes for a Pre Ass Kicking One Liner...then does two damage. Billie asks if it is shaken, but it's not, it's sifted.
• Billie's plan is to tackle the baker and interrogate him. But Delacy already killed the baker so he instead obliterates the bread animatronic by tackling it.
• Billie's desire to see the meat section is rewarded: It's a man dressed in a cow costume on a Maxim machine gun.
• Billie successfully intimidates the cow man, but since he shot Edie, Billie returns the favor by shooting the cow man in the same place. After all, it's an eye for an eye...then he realizes he needs to be careful with metaphors around Delacy, since he'll take them literally.
• Delacy takes the time to shoot the announcer.
• Delacy hears that the room Aunt Hildy is in is very well lit, so he wants to shoot an obvious chandelier, as how else would it be lit? Andy points out that there isn't one, it's lit by lightbulbs, so Delacy opts to shoot Aunt Hildy in the face. When he does, a change comes upon her...he's hoping it means she installs a chandelier.
• Billie, as a rodeo king, grabs one of Aunt Hildy's goons and rides him into Aunt Hildy herself, who shoots the group a venomous glare. Not literally, Billie doesn't have to roll to soak Poison.
• Billie is able to bite Aunt Hildy's ring off.

Story 10: "Amat Victoria Curam"

• The group opens in the saloon toasting. Mike doesn't have a glass, however, so he presumes Silas already drank it. Delacy angrily doesn't want any.
• Nate reveals he's been shot three times, once fatally, hanged, and then possessed by a demon from the Hunting Grounds who wants to take over the world.
  Garnet: Isn't it funny how that never comes up in conversation.
• Nate knew that he would be in company, and therefore is drinking a lot of alcohol to preserve himself. However, Harrowed technically do not require water, so Nate isn't drinking any of it, and therefore his skin could best be described as "raisiny."
• Delacy points out that nothing was fair at the world's fair.
• Nate shows off the gun he took from Boudreau and encourages Delacy to shoot him in the chest. That gun only works for Harrowed, so Nate fires it...and the bartender ducks for cover. Andy calls for a dice roll, and Nate gets a Natural 20, so a guy in a bathtub falls through the floor.
• Nate offers his new jerky product: Jerky rope. Silas uncomfortably passes on sampling.
  Garnet: What manner of creature is this made from?
  Nate: Yes!
• The town is deserted, so Delacy asks the bartender to look. The bartender is not inclined: The group shot a hole in the saloon.
• The group goes outside. A tumbleweed hits Nate in the shin. Despite Andy's insistence it is normal, everyone is suspicious. Garnet kicks it into pieces, and insists that, for all she knows, a tumbleweed is very dangerous. Nate helpfully reminds of the tumblebleed.
• As soon as the group walks out of the saloon archway, the sky goes purple and everyone is in the Deadlands. Garnet and Nate, who deal with manitous, are unnerved. Silas attempts to walk back through the archway.
• Victoria explains that the four Red Hand Gang used to go by another name: Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
  Silas: HORSES! I KNEW they were behind this.
• Victoria, the fifth horseman of the apocalypse called Conquest, offers to make the gang the new horseman, bring this Deadlands to the real world.
  Delacy: I can't draw my pistol here, this world sucks!
• Delacy has a counteroffer for the deal: The group has already killed four of the horsemen; a fifth is no trouble.
  Garnet: Do we say that in Victoria's presence.
  Nate: I'm thoroughly in agreement with this precocious killer.
• Edie's not too fond of the deal: She would become a monster and fill the world with monsters, which goes against everything she stands for. Also, Victoria said she should be pestilience, which is a raw deal.
  Garnet: I didn't even meet Famine.
  Delacy: She wasn't very nice.
  Silas: None of them were nice!
• Upon the refusal, Conquest wears all the rings. Silas laments that they should've taken the rings, let Conquest perish, and then lie and say they destroyed the world when they didn't. Andy spitefully gives a benny.
  Delacy: Which continent did you eradicate?
• Benjamin Bellows shows up against Silas, and challenges him to a duel. Silas names his guns Justice and Other Justice.
  Benjamin: Pleased to meet you, this is a gun.
• Bellows tries to intimidate Silas by stating he shot his friend. Silas beats the spirit roll.
  Silas: I don't have any friends.
  Edie: Hey!
• Bellows loses the duel: He hasn't been keeping up on his pickling.
• Silas shoots in the heart. Edie helpfully shows Silas the injury table, and he changes his mind.
  Silas: I'm going to shoot him in the dick.
  Andy: You can if you want.
  Silas: I don't stand on ceremony, I shoot him in the dick.
• Nate isn't sure how to discuss this with Delacy. But the group is frozen, so it's fine.
• Shooting a Harrowed in the dick does nothing, but Silas is satisfied: It sends a statement.
• Silas was impressed by Garnet destroying the tumbleweed, throws Bellows's head and it explodes.
• After Garnet kills a ghoul while starving for magic, Victoria turns to Nate and begins to talk to his manitou. Concerned he will hurt Delacy, Nate spends a benny...once.
• That fails, so Nate attacks...however, his Hindrance of being utterly awful in combat applies even when controlled.
• Nate attacks Delacy, but has to make a Spirit roll. He rolls snake eyes, and swears so badly it's censored, because being a Major Trouble Magnet, things go extra bad.
• Nate attempts to point a gun to his own head to force leverage on the manitou. Normally, Persuasion rolls are at a -2 due to being Harrowed, but since the whole concept of Harrowed are sort of the manitou's deal; Andy waves the penalty.
• Edie is put in a dream state where she sees her dead brother being attacked by a monster, but it's an illusion, the "monster" is Garnet. Edie tries to rescue her brother , but he snaps at her, causing Edie to realize that's not her brother.
  Nate: Powerbomb the child!
  Silas: You're already hurt a child.
• Delacy, Edie, and Nate do an impressive amount of damage to Victoria, and Nate immediately puts a protective arm in front of Delacy. That was useful: Delacy wanted to stride up and shoot her in the head.
• Silas does a notice roll to make sure the horse is definitely gone. He fails.