Funny / Oxventure Part 3

For other Outside Xbox funny moments:

• For moments related primarily to gameplay videos (Let's Plays, livestreams and Xmas Challenges) go here
• For moments related primarily to non-gameplay videos (Top X videos, Show of the Week/Weekend and other videos), go here
• For Oxventure moments from stories 1 through 25, go here.
• For Oxventure moments from stories 26 through 60, as well as Lasers and Feelings, go here
• For moments relating to Oxventure Presents Blades in the Dark, go here.
• For moments from Oxventure Deadlands, go here.

Story 61: "Dine Harder"

• We begin on Dob's honeymoon. As they could not refund the reservations, the entire party is staying in Dob's Honeymoon suite.
  Andy: Tumblr is going wild!
• At a banquet in the most expensive restaurant in town, they are served a dessert covered in rags.
  Dob: (Before Johnny can finish describing the dessert) I tuck in!
  Egbert: It's not Bismuth, is it?
  Johnny. It might be Bismuth. (Luke's eyes go wide).
• Johnny offers some much needed clarification: Eating Bismuth is not vegetarian, regardless of whether or not Bismuth herself is a vegetarian.
• A roll is called for to see how much of Bismuth is eaten before the party notices. The result is 11. Mouthfuls.
• Bismuth attempts to explain that there were consequences of tricking Liliana to the peak where the White Dragon was slumbering, but is cut off when the villains of the episode appear.
• The episode's setup is Die Hard, complete with Johnny giving the leader of the villains Hans Gruber's opening monologue. The party immediately catches on. And somehow, Luke decides to do a spot-on impression of Ellis from the movie... either forgetting or not caring that Ellis's attempts to bargain with Hans got him shot in the head.
• Egbert manages to get away from the hostage-takers by pretending he needed to use the restroom. He then crawls inside a vent and has no plan after that.
• The MacGuffin that the villains are after are the contents of the the restaurant's vault. Egbert accidentally stumbles upon the vault and begins eating—a roll later and he has consumed seventeen kilos of meat from extinct animals.
• The party ends up killing Bush Ranger and one of his giant minions in an elevator accident, keeping them from killing the head chef and stealing the priceless food from the vault. Then, because the head chef attacks Egbert to carve him up and retrieve his meat, they end up killing him. And stealing the food. Johnny is upfront that they wound up engaging in combat with the one character they didn't bother to stat up in the adventure.
• Prudence ends the boss fight with Eldritch Blast, exploding the chef all over his prized ingredients.
  Johnny: Needless to say, Cthulhu is pleased, and thousands of lunches have been ruined.

Story 62: "Shell Shock"

• As the story opens, introductions are mostly about Scotch eggs except for Dob, who introduces himself as paying his way in the world through song...and then Egbert says he'll pay a Scotch egg for a song.
• Corazón and Prudence hastily attempt to define A.A. Tomkin's death as a "lift accident."
• Johnny sets the scene as the group prepares to meet with Bismuth: Yesterday they were fine dining, and now, they just smell of sulfur.
  Egbert: But at least I got ribs!
  Prudence: We never did find out what they were ribs off.
  Egbert: I've learned never to ask! I have a very capacious stomach.
  Prudence: And parasites.
  Corazón: Isn't it great to see what we add to canon.
• Dob points out that the honeymoon had to be left early. There were a lot of witnesses and evidence to crimes, but Corazón interjects: They were tangentially involved.
• Bismuth sends the group to a private dining room so they can talk. Corazón is suspicious and does an investigation check and gets a natural 20. As it turns out, Bismuth sent them away because she wanted to eat more of the sulfur ribs the group made.
• Egbert considers that a challenge, and eats the sulfur bones. One poor Constitution roll later, all of Egbert's parasites are dead.
• Dob suggests waiting until Egbert has a bowel movement so they can have a proper burial. Corazon, literally, isn't burying Egbert's s-Sound-Effect Bleep.
• Bismuth remarks that there was a lot of violence on the peak where the dragon lived after Liliana went there. However, Bismuth didn't see the body. Therefore, the dragon might've limped away. Corazón is happy, since it means the treasure hoard is unguarded. And it has to have a hoard because all dragons have one that they lick and make love on...
• Dob insists that Liliana has a rich life outside of wanting to destroy the guild.
• Bismuth explains why she found the guild, and horks up some white dragon eggs from the dragon Liliana killed. The last one, however, is gold, and gold dragons haven't been seen in G'eth for over three centuries. Corazón can only think of money.
• Dob, however, isn't having any of it.
  Dob: I will do right by...some...orphans.
• Corazón steadily heads towards the door hiding the egg...and Egbert Misty Steps towards the door. Johnny is shocked: It's serious when Egbert uses a paladin power.
• Egbert explains that Le Dragon D'Or translates to "Golden Dragon" and they will be very interested in the golden dragon egg. When Corazon asks for the language the order was written in, Egbert states Tabaxi, since all tabaxi so far in-game had French accents. Johnny grants inspiration for that one.
• Corazón wonders why Egbert cares about the egg since he's not a member of the Dragon D'Or anymore, and suggests he find a purple cow egg. Bismuth says not to pick up cow eggs...but Egbert does want to know if Corazón finds a purple one.
• The guild tries to name the eggs before Corazon can sell them: Symon is the name of the gold one, and the white ones are Corazón Jr, Bloodwing, Iron Jr, and then Bismuth suggests calling it Orphan's Bane. But since that's Dob's nickname, it'll be Orphan's Bane Jr.
• The first order of business is getting these valuable eggs out of the tavern. Dob points out that they can't stuff them back into Bismuth: She's always on the knife's edge of death and has duties at Necropolis-On-Sea. She has to alter Corazón's wardrobe to fit Liliana.
• Prudence decides to smear the golden egg in soot so it at least won't draw attention. One Critical Failure later, she ends up polishing it.
• Corazón draws a face on his and walks with it on his head while his real head is hidden in his shirt, and even draws a scary reference picture that Johnny finds horrifying. Corazon must roll Charisma/Deception, and gets a natural 20.
• There is a paladin inside who is angry about the burned sulfur pit outside. Dob attempts to charm him and after some arguing, agrees to do community service. Dob leaves, and Johnny rolls for the Paladin...and gets a 1. And he has a Wisdom modifier of -1.
  Egbert: Brothers!
• Dob wants to take the fight to the Dragon D'Or to make the world safe for the dragon eggs before trying to hatch them. Corazón wonders what it is that makes the order so bad when it comes to the eggs, and points out that Egbert doesn't pay attention to anything, so why would he know for sure what the order is going to do.

Story 63: "Record Time"

• Liliana continues to showcase her Not So Above It All nature by using a cereal bowl as a scrying pool.
• Dob has disguised himself as a tortle so he can hide the eggs in the shell. Johnny calls for a roll to the disguise...It's better than the spidertiger.
  Egbert: Not a high bar.
• Dob needs to be reminded that tortles can talk: He doesn't want to cause everyone to be shocked by a talking tortle so much they go for a dissection. Johnny makes it very clear: Technically, this would be a vivisection.
• Corazón and Prudence go to see a pirate-themed casino. The Cor-Row-Zon casino. Corazón is more upset by the unlicensed use of his license, and Johnny calls for Wisdom/Perception. There are enough alterations to make it non-litiguous, but maritime law is a lot stricter when it comes to such things, so he probably has a claim.
• Prudence goes to play blackjack. And throws her money on the table. As Johnny didn't bring a deck of cards, Andy and Jane roll a d20 instead. Andy gets 20 and stands, but Jane gets 14 and hits, getting a pair of 2s...then hits again.
• Johnny tries to come up with Oxventure-themed cocktails. Mike comes up with Coraz-mopolitian. Andy gives Ginful Damnation. The booziest, however, is Unresolved Father Issues.
• Meanwhile, Egbert, Dob, and Merilwen are going to the library. And Egbert notices the name of the building: "The Egbert the Careless Memorial Library." And Johnny clarifies that the design is non-litiguous as well.
• The fake Egbert gives each of the group a token by spitting them out of his mouth: If one gets a library card, the token can be redeemed for a hot beverage and muffin.
• Egbert goes to look in the library by the Dewey Decimal System...it's a guy named Dewey. Who fakes having consumption for a tip.
• Merilwen lets it drop that she's actually a member of the Oxventurers. Dewey is thrilled...but wants to know about the tortle. Because Dewey thinks that is a bad addition.
• Dewey could be convinced to keep quiet about the Guild in exchange for some autographed merchandise. Dob offers to record a voicemail: He'll speak into a parrot.
• Cut back to Corazón who is still gambling. And gets so many low rows, Johnny calls a five card trick...but can't remember how it works.^note Johnny's referring to five card Charlie, where a hand with five cards that hasn't gone bust is considered an automatic victory. It's more commonly played with six cards, but the five card variant exists.
• Prudence casts Message on Dob...and insists on piping in casino music.
• Merilwen mutters a pun, and Johnny forces her to share with the class.
  Merilwen: You said there was sage muttering, and I asked if someone cast Speak with Plants.
  Johnny: You can regrettably have inspiration. ''(adds 'sage' to the list of words not to use)
• Corazón talks to a squeaky voice Paladin who extolls the virtue of the order. Also, being a paladin doesn't mean "no drinking."
• When Luke is having trouble pronouncing the word "obfuscate", Dob chalks it up to being drunk at the library.
• When a woman named Anaya introduces herself, Corazón demands Merilwen not kill her.
• The Guild bungles their way through a conversation with Anaya while trying to escape the city without the Dragon D'Or noticing. Apparently, the guild is all adopted by one man whose name was Eggs.
• Anaya also provides a distraction: An Egbert costume. It works.
• Once on the ship, Johnny asks if the guild has any sort of business to attend while at sea. Corazón remarks that if anyone sees a white whale, let him know so he can harpoon it. Not seriously, it's more like a drive-by harpooning.
• While sailing, Johnny calls for a roll while Corazón sings, and a 100 will summon the white whale. It fails, and so a porpoise shows up. Corazón still harpoons it and gives the corpse to Merilwen.
  Corazón: You can use every part of it.
• Dob instead decides to cast Speak with Dead at the same time that Merilwen casts Speak with Animals. Merilwen gives a flat no. So instead, Dob casts Hideous Laughter at the same time Corazón casts Grease. They chose Egbert as the target. Egbert can't stop laughing and slips off the ship, causing Merilwen to turn into an octopus and retrieve him.
  Johnny: I just realized something: This is the sort of crap you hold in when we're on the clock during live shows.
• Johnny immediately calls for an end when Dob wonders how Calm Emotions would work with Prudence's Hunger of Hadar...
• The group arrives in Dunbridge and checks the dock foreman. As it turns out, it's Lynton, the former king.
  Corazón: I depose him.
• Dob is about to bring Lynton on the quest to the mountain. The rest of the group makes that a hard no.
• Once Dob finds the site of the battle between the dragon and Liliana, he immediately begins eating the blood.

Story 64: "Bad Altitude"

• Dreadbert, the evil black dragonborn general, knows who Corazón is. But he doesn't have a favorite penny dreadful.
• Dreadbert's group tries to menace the group, but it feels more like the Time Warp from Rocky Horror Picture Show.
• Corazón tries to lead the group outside, but Dreadbert demands valuable treasure. Corazón tries to pretend his rings are merely showpieces, but Dreadbert wants something more valuable than that.
  Dob: Corazón's bum?
• While Corazón tries to lead Dreadbert out of the cave, the rest of the team prepares an ambush. Egbert and Dob hide at the top of the cave, and Merilwen introduces a new spell: Meld into Stone, so she can hide with no trouble. Johnny thinks this is a variation on Stone Shape, but Merilwen corrects and then...
  Merilwen: My spells ROCK!
  Johnny: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
• Egbert goes to spring his masterful plan: He pulls Dreadbert's trousers down.
• When in combat, Egbert wonders if the other, non-Dreadbert dragonborn are reverent to Egbert.
  Dob: If you rip your arm off, Egbert, do they lose their arms too?
• Egbert is incredibly blase about throwing a bomb.
  Dob: It's not exciting, throwing a bomb into twenty people.
  Egbert: I'm over it.
• Corazón helpfully reminds Egbert about his second attack.
  Corazón: Don't waste it throwing a custard pie or anything.
• Dob uses Talking Is a Free Action to plan a joint attack with Merilwen, but Luke gets relentlessly teased for the meta way he delivers it; his second more in-character attempt strays straight into faux Shakespeare.
• Corazón manages to trick Dreadbert's troops by shapeshifting into him and convincing the others that he's the imposter. Dreadbert takes 46 points of flame breath damage, and only not taking 92 points because he made a tricky save. Cue Dob slowly, hilariously, realizing that he was right next to Dreadbert when it happened. Cue the others slowly, hilariously, realizing that 92 damage is way more than Dob's health max. Cue a table-wide panic, with even Johnny trying to figure out some way to keep Dob from dying if he doesn't make his save, which thankfully he only does due to Inspiration (which at this point has been nothing but a joke for ages). His face still gets melted off, but the flame breath also melts the snow he was buried under.
  • After the Dreadberts are defeated, Corazón tries to heal Dob's face with disguise putty, hoping to fail so he can jack up Dob's face, but masterfully succeeding instead. Merilwen and Dob use Cure Wounds to heal his face. The table decides the magic made his skin heal over the putty, resulting in his now being ludicriously handsome and getting a permanent charisma buff.
• After Dreadbert is knocked off a cliff by Dob, Corazón (disguised as General Dreadbert) orders the remaining 'berts to stand down. As they trudge off the mountain, Merilwen casts Moonbeam on them all so they won't tell Liliana where they are. Everyone is shocked.
  YouTube comment: Of all the things that could have come from this episode, 'Merilwen becomes a war criminal' really wasn't what I expected.
  • Johnny informs the group of two women, Jen and Eva, who have a convention of dining together, who have suddenly been put off their breakfast by Merilwen's action.
• The group decides to rest in the cave. Merilwen casts Darkvision on Corazón.
  Corazón: I resist it.

Story 65: "Carpe Idiom"

• Prudence is stuck in a pocket dimension. She goes mad from the isolation.
• Prudence then returns the the guild being horked up from the pocket dimension. Dob wonders if she was always this slimy: As it turns out, only on a good day.
• Prudence is clear: It wasn't a make-out dimension, it was just to keep her safe. Egbert retorts that Dob nearly died: So Prudence would've loved it.
• Corazón finds the ship rocking and checks on his porcelain horses. They are not broken, but all in the wrong stables. Corazón mopes that Peppermint is in the wrong place.
• Dob spies land ahead, so Corazón immediately tells Egbert to land. Realizing whom he just asked to do that, he grabs the wheel and rolls a 6. Merilwen attempts to throw the anchor...and gets a 5. They drift and smash another ship tied into the harbor. Prudence says they'll leave and write a note: Corazón says use someone else's name.
• This place is in the far up north, and there is a massive sleet and hail storm conjured by a wizard. Egbert takes a shot right in the head and steam comes out.
• Corazón selects a fur coat that a rapper would consider ostentatious.
• Merilwen is offered boots with individual toe slots. Dob and Prudence immediately consider this place cursed.
• Dob asks for a sleeveless fur vest. Merilwen immediately begins to make a pun, but Johnny and everyone else immediately shush her: She's going to need to save those for an inevitable pun battle with the wizard who made the sleet storm.
• Prudence asks for the evilest cloak she can find. It comes with hooks that let her hang from the ceiling.
• Merilwen gets earmuffs for elven ears: When Pickwickle the shopkeep says he skinned a lynx to make them; Johnny laments that saying tabaxi would've been more interesting when lynx gets no reaction (and has to confirm to a shocked Oxventure guild that it wasn't Rust-On-The-Harbour).
  Johnny: You Moonbeam people fleeing a battle! But you skin one tabaxi...
• Dob attempts to get provisions. Corazón does out to find a taco truck, but Dob begins to eat some leather. Egbert asks Johnny how much damage this does and if a Constitution saving throw is required. Johnny, of course, is too baffled and disconcerted to answer. That is, until Merilwen says she was persuaded to eat it: Johnny rolls a d12 and they take 12 points of damage.
• The Oxventurers go to the wizard tower, and the wizard comments that it is raining cats and dogs. As the wizard's magic causes everything he says to become reality, screams erupt from the town.
• He later tells Dob "if wishes were fishes, we'd all hurl nets." Dob vomits up a net, but the fish in his lungs cuts the net so Dob only gets some frayed ends.
• Corazón picks the lock, and finds a wolf attached to his arm. He has to claw it off.
  Prudence: Now it's the town's problem.
• Once inside the wizard's tower, Prudence begins scanning for magical tomes. She finds a talking candleabra who offers her something...then Corazón roundhouse kicks the candleabra because he's tired of the magical bullshit.
• The magical tome grants Prudence the ability to Cast from Hit Points and make an idiom a reality. The guild is in awe of this power.
• Corazón bluntly calls out for that wizard ass to get down the stairs. A large ass eclipses the twin suns of G'eth.
• The puns keep working, and at one point, the wizard's eyes turn into saplings, and the teapots begin singing.
• The wizard calls out "Bob's your uncle" and all of the guild has fond memories of an Uncle Bob. Distinctly though, it's not the Bob that followed the guild around during the dungeon crawl: That would just be cruel. Now, of course, the Oxventurers are related, and Egbert comments that it's all gone a bit House of the Dragon.
• Merilwen offers to cast Confusion: Egbert immediately declares that will be of no help.
• Johnny starts to run out of idioms towards the end of the conversation with Hogbuster, leading to a point where Corazon asks Hogbuster a question and Johnny spends ten seconds in silence trying to think of something tricky to say, trimumphantly finishing with... "...no." The table does not survive.
• Johnny decides the bit is getting away from the entire team when Luke ends up buying an owl pellet full of what he thinks is drugs from an owl who also has timeshares.
  Johnny: Luke, this bit has gotten away from me.
  Luke: Me too.
  Andy: It's like that meme of the little domino and big domino: Gary Gygax finds wargaming too restrictive; Luke buys drugs from an owl.
• After stopping the wizard's terrible idioms, the town begins to talk about the white dragon. Discerning the clues, Egbert thinks Captain Shattershield is involved. Corazón wonders why Egbert shat a shield.
• Dob takes the drugs he got from the owl. Johnny begins to discuss the spell Enlarge, and how it lasts for 18 hours.
  Egbert: Isn't that a blue pellet, shaped like a diamond?
  Johnny: No!
  Egbert: If it lasts longer than that, please call your doctor.
  Prudence: Nope, I'm done.

Story 66: "Parley Hard"

• Everyone goes Cuteness Proximity over a baby griffin.
  Egbert: If this is us for the next hour and a half, I'm fine with it.
• Corazón loves this thing: He had a parrot but it died because he never fed it.
• Dob is under the effect of Enlarge Person and so Egbert wonders if him coming aboard the Joyful Damnation is a good idea. Johnny says it's fine: There's plenty of times on a ship where eight people will clambor onto the deck to murder the captain...
  Corazon: Yeah, that happens all the time.
• Johnny reminds Dob that he passed a bunch of lobster pots and wonders if Dob ate any. Dob clarifies: He's a vegetarian so he didn't "eat" any. But he rolls, and there are five lobsters in his shirt.
• Corazón demands Dob be piped aboard by Mr. Egbert. It involves an actual pipe. Johnny calls for a roll, and the pipe music is basically a dirge.
• Dob has important information to share:
  Dob: I had a chat with the Shat'...(everyone loses it).
• Since Dob says positive things about Shattershield, whom he never liked, Prudence suspects he's enchanted or it's some kind of doppleganger situation. She casts Detect Magic, but Dob has been enlarge. Although, since that came from eating an owl pellet, she wonders if pharmaceutical counts as magic.
• Corazón knows how to do it: Ask a question only Dob would know.
  Corazón: Dob, you're covered in horrible river muck, would you like a bath.
  Dob: No, thank you, it'll probably rain later.
  Prudence: Seems legit.
• Dob and the crew talk about the fact that none of them know why Egbert was banished from the order.
  Dob: Look, Egbert, I don't know what you did, but I know who you are. Also, have you SEEN some of the things we have been doing?
• The group decide on a neutral meeting place to negotiate with Shattershield. Once they find one, they plan to send a message to Shattershield on a seagull. Merilwen takes it literally and thinks they'll use an animal as a messenger with Speak with Animals, but it's more like a carrier pigeon, or seagull. Except Corazón keeps shooting them.
• Merilwen tries to talk to a different seagull after he shoots the first one and one of Dob's lobsters out of a cannon. Once Merilwen starts saying her friends need to respect animals for, Corazon shoots this one.
• The message gets across when Merilwen turns into an octopus and gives the message.
  Shattershield: Meet us at the Neutral Milk Hotel. No cops.
  Dob: In my mind, no cops is written in Prudence's handwriting.
• Corazón kills a pelican, but fortunately, no albatrosses. Until he uses the pelican as a message, in which case, it misses and hits an albatross. This tableau of bird murder
• The group goes to the Neutral Milk Hotel, except Dob, for he is still too large. Corazón asks if there is a barn or someplace to put someone so large. Dairy Steve, the proprietor, tells him naturally: A dairy is going to have a place for cows.
• Dairy Steve also asks what sort of venue they are booking, whether it's a meeting or a wedding or...
  Egbert: Don't say wedding, it'll cost eight times as much.
• Dob attempts to intuit a cow's name...and a roll of 4 later, it's Byrnhilde.
• Merilwen finds some sea vultures and sends a message to Prudence. She immediately blast a large cow with Agonizing Blast so it can have a corpse.
• The next day comes, and Corazón immediately does the most evil thing anyone can do: Be a chipper morning person.

Story 67: "Mean Gulls"

• As the group comes to the end of their meeting, Shattershield finds a dagger and wonder if it belongs to the group. This dagger, of course, has CDB written on it...
• The group resolves to travel separately to Mistmire, and Dob asks for the name of Shattershield's vessel. Johnny, having learned nothing from the Christopher Englebert XVII debacle, suddenly looks very sheepish.
  Johnny: Edit around this, please.
• The group agrees to put a garrison of the Dragon D'Or on the ship after Shattershield points out there would be no point in betraying the guild if they were on the Joyful Damnation because it's not like you can go somewhere else on the open ocean. Corazón, though tries to get a feel for the paladin's armor class...
• As the group walks to the ship, Dob reflects that it's so odd that they are walking to a ship, because there is normally some sort of novelty transport. Egbert summons Dogbert when they realize they left Merilwen to guard the eggs so she can't transform into something.
• After some arguing, everyone starts.
  Corazon: I do the things that make the boat go.
  Merilwen: I want that on a T-Shirt.
  Shattershield: So how are things?
  Egbert: Downs and ups. Mostly downs.
• When an evil pastiche of all the slain sea birds from the previous episode comes up from the depths, Corazon immediately wonders why Merilwen kept them.
• The evil bird curses Corazón with the doldrums for killing the sea birds...and realizes that he's already cursed. Corazon immediately tries to spin that curses cancel each other out.
• The bird creature immediately tells Corazon to atone.
  Egbert: Wish I could help you.
• Dob declares that doing a good deed for the ocean might work, and Corazon decides not to dump cooking oil in the sea.
  Egbert: I don't think not doing something you weren't going to do that's bad counts.
  Corazón: You're not the ocean, Egbert.
• There is a sail on the horizon and the team takes a look. Merilwen is underwater and can't do much, Prudence does middling and sees a ship. Corazón and Dob see a raiding ship of Northmen. Egbert gets a Critical Failure.
  Egbert: I've already fashioned a white flag.
• Corazon puts chain shot into a swivel gun. Egbert loads his white flag. He rolls a 2.
  Johnny: You load the cannon. In a very Egbert way. You replace all the elements of loading cannon with more powder.
• Merilwen wants to destroy the ship, but Dob wants to be non-violent.
  Merilwen: There's probably a lot of villages that would be happy to see these raiders gone.
  Dob: We destroy a lot of villages.
  Merilwen: We do it on accident.
  Johnny: (completely devolves into laughter)
• Dob decides to bluff and say the Joyful Damnation is carrying the plague. Corazón uses Disguise Self to look like a plague victim. Egbert throws up over the side because he's already established that he gets seasick on boats and therefore Johnny does not call for a roll. Prudence pretends to faint on a fainting coach, and Johnny allows this because Corazón would absolutely have those.
• The plan is only so effective, but it does distract the raiders enough for Corazón to shoot again, in combination with Merilwen casting Moonbeam and Dob casting shatter. Johnny immediately declares things aren't going well for...Dex Dexington and the Midnight Raiders.
  Johnny: I name all my characters before the session.
• Shatter doesn't reach far enough, and Corazon has to remind Dob not to anger the sea: It's why they're in the doldrums in the first place.
• Merilwen attacks with her tentacles as an octopus while Johnny rolls for the raiders. Merilwen gets two, misses one, and a Critical Failure on both her and Johnny's roll causes a sort of natural embrace...
• Corazón gets a Critical Hit on a cannon shot so the ball goes straight through the keel. Prudence looks up and wonders if the raiders have lifeboats.
  Egbert: What do you care?
  Prudence: We don't want them getting away.

Story 68: "Mist Opportunity"

• The story opens where Luke and Andy talking about castles, and Luke wonders if he needs to check on the grain. Andy's goal is to test Luke and get at the grain.
• Before the group enters Mistmire, Corazon asks if anyone has any misgivings. Dob has a few, but surprisingly, so does C'thulhu, who whisks Prudence away. Egbert thinks it's probably just that Prudence might get converted by some holy people. C'thulhu gives a thumbs up.,
  Egbert: How? He doesn't have opposable thumbs!
  Johnny: Non-Euclidian geometry.
  Corazon: I gaze upon C'thulhu and go mad.
  Johnny: I'll note that down, it'll come up later. (begins to type)...stares at the abyss and it stares back into him.
• Corazón obtains a new cutlass. It has a fewer that looks like a squeeze handle that one could use to refill a horse with water.
  Egbert: Ever play that game to try and get it to a complete piece of gold?
• Shattershield wants to bring the eggs into the citadel at Mistmire, but the rest of the group is nervous. Corazón threatens to stamp them and Dob tries to shush him...only to realize that's a decent threat and tries to invoke Corazon's insanity along with Merilwen. Only Corazón passes the Charisma check.
• The group tries to enter Mistmire, and they sail in, but the portcullis isn't raising well. Merilwen tells Corazón to cast Grease, but he doesn't want to use the good stuff...
• A guard at the citadel is angered upon seeing Egbert, and he goes "add-ehh-ehh" and reaches for his weapon. Shattershield defuses the situation, and Merilwen names the man Additor. Johnny weakly grants inspiration.
• Mistmire has clearly fallen on hard times. Merilwen states it's a #MistmireIsOverParty. Johnny takes the inspiration back.
• Egbert decides to tell the guild what happened to cause his exile: Shattershield gives a very large key and Egbert leads the group to a large door.
  Merilwen: The Dragon Door?^note pronounced the same as Dragon D'Or
  Johnny:(visibly stunned) I...I...I did not see that one coming. Marvelous.
• Egbert leads the group into the bottom of the citadel, where a large door opens slowly. And there is a large charnel stink.
  Dob: Sorry.
• Corazón is upset there is a dragon imprisoned at the bottom, even more when Egbert reveals the gold dragon powers the citadel. Corazón values freedom, and Dob agrees, but he wants to see a dragon burst from the citadel.
• Egbert talks to the dragon in Draconic. Corazón casts Comprehend Languages since the rest of the group doesn't speak it. Do decides he'd rather hear the conversation in Draconic and get an explanation later.
  Egbert: Subs, not dubs.
• Shattershield discusses the Council of the Dragon D'Or, which includes Chauncey, who has just returned from his honeymoon. With Lady Fyengh. And everyone is happy, no one is bitter, let's stop talking about it.
• The group decides to go talk to the other members of the council. Egbert begins with Drysdale, who is dining with some guests. One of them is upset Egbert returns and throws his food on the floor and storms out. Egbert immediately digs in.
• Dob goes after Hammerfist, and is convinced the man must be known to be a stubborn, blunt man. Or he has hammers for fingers.
• Hammerfist is in the midst of a drunken revel. So Dob moves in to pretend to stab the man...just as the episode ends.

Story 69: "Ballot Time"

• As the story opens, Dob is slowly trying to stab Hammerfist...
  Johnny: Dob, what's your AC?
  Egbert: That escalated quickly.
• After getting stabbed for 9 piercing damage, Dob decides to slowly run for the door.
  Merilwen: I have no idea what he's doing.
• As it turns out, it's Dob pretending to be an assassin. And he's hoping that Hammerfist is the kind of person who ''interrogates'' a fake assassin rather than kill them.
• Dob gets caught.
  Dob: Can I spit out a tooth?
• This continues as Dob pretends to be stopping the "paladin hero Hammerfist" from freeing the dragon. And then Dob fakes spitting out some foam to pretend he ate a Cyanide Pill.
  Johnny: Roll Charisma/Performance
  Egbert: It's amazing you haven't had to roll one of those yet.
• Merilwen talks to Rowan, an imperious old lady and tries to convince her that the dragon should be free. When this fails.
  Merilwen: I don't think you understand the situation.
  Egbert: Merilwen's going True Neutral. Get ready for war crimes.
• Merilwen points out the Citadel has fallen on hard times, the portcullis can't even be raised
  Corazón: Wouldn't that make it hard for invaders to get in?
• The paladin-woman questions why someone would take an interest enough in Egbert to clone an army, but Merilwen says they're probably easy to manipulate.
• Dob has to be convinced that Egbert's clones aren't missing their kidneys even though Egbert is missing his.
• The entire meeting has Corazón, disguised as Chauncey, being passive aggressive about marrying Lady Fyengh.
• The dragon is freed in time enough to attack an advancing army of Otherberts. Dob and Egbert congratulate themselves on a job well done and they also stopped Merilwen before she committed any... she casts Wind Wall so none can escape and the dragon can slaughter them.

Story 70: "Ready Lair One"

• Prudence, who has returned, is being brought up to speed. She's interested in Egbert's blowing up paladins to free a golden dragon, but what really surprises her is Egbert's spell cards are displayed as if they're about to see use.
  Egbert: They're face down.
• Dob takes from this that he can cast all his spells at once: Johnny allows this.
• Corazón, by contrast, thought that Egbert explaining his past would reveal why he's a dragonborn, but Egbert counters that those two things had nothing to do with each other. After all, Corazón's becoming a pirate was something he did on his own. Apparently, Egbert thinks you become a pirate by shedding your skin through a metamorphisis.
• Johnny describes Mistmire as similar to a car with no engine and up on bricks: The citadel is no longer Holy Ground, and Corazón points out some valuable frescos must've been taken by the dragon...
• Merilwen wants to help the dragon, but realizes it would take too long. A compromise is reached: Egbert will carry Merilwen on his shoulders and run around the room.
• The group begins to start discussing a replacement heat source for the Citadel. The Oxventurers begin to wonder how long it would take to Stone Shape some geothermal heating. Corazon says they need to find the hot orange water...
• Dob misses the fact that the citadel just needs a heat source, not power, and points out they're coastal and can harness the tides. Even after his mistake is pointed out, he keeps declaring that they shouldn't overlook the fact that they're coastal.
• Prudence gains inspiration for suggesting fracking as a heat source, since, at this point in the technology tree where they only know how to use fossil fuels.
  Johnny: The tutorial keeps recommending we do pottery next.
  Egbert: I want ceremonial burial!
• Merilwen suggests the problem was not that the dragon was powering the citadel, but that it was imprisoned to do so. Corazón suggests getting a pervert dragon who likes being imprisoned. Merilwen and Egbert collapse in laughter.
  Prudence: I want to hear what Merilwen was going to say, ignore the pervert dragon plan.
  Egbert: I can't.
  Dob: It's proving very hard.
• Dob wonders if they could use their own hoard of treasure to entice a dragon. However, Dob wonders if that's the case, since Katie Pearlhead was with him the last time, and a jilted lover would steal such a thing. Johnny says not to worry: Like any good treasure map, the map to the lake was marked in paces. And since Dob and Katie had different gaits, there is a "two-step" authentication. Groaning ensues.
• Prudence sneezes, and Merilwen says bless you, but wonders if that's the right thing to say to a tiefling. It's actually curse you. Egbert then casts Bless.
  Johnny: Inspiration for everyone.
• Corazon says that if Dob and Merilwen take two stagecoaches to the treasure, it will be two stage verification.
  Prudence: It was better when Johnny did it.
  Corazon: I know.
• Prudence does some research on dragons, and finds something interesting on red dragons when she rolls a natural 20. Egbert rolls a Critical Failure and thinks red is blue.
• Johnny describes an ideal red dragon lair: It includes volcanic or geothermal activity, completely validating the hot orange water comments from early.
• Dob and Merilwen take the Fyenghbus to go to the lake and get the treasure since it's quite spacious. There is a seat for Flannery. Dob asks if he is there, and one roll later, Flannery rolls out of bed.
• During the trip, Flannery sings the song of how the Oxventurers saved the town of Inkwater as well as the tour. And tries to rhyme "tour" with "town." Once they reach the lake, Flannery passes out. Quietly, Dob and Merilwen deliberate between tying the hammock up or smothering Flannery. Both Dob and Merilwen use Inspiration to not wake him up.
• After Dob reveals he left the map with Flannery, Merilwen casts Pass Without Trace.
• The map is fortunately very tiny: Dob made it small so giants can't read it.
  Egbert: I can't fault that logic.
• There is a corpse in the bottom of the lake that looks like Dob. Dob begins to cast Speak with Dead, then decides against it. Until he determines that he could ask if Katie Pearlhead found someone new.
• Merilwen orders Dob not to talk to anymore submerged corpses about his ex. He was told to block her on seashell media.
  Johnny: I'm out.
• Corazón and Egbert convince Giovanni the red dragon to take a look at Mistmire. Meanwhile, Prudence is sprucing up the place, opening up the floor plan, putting in some fake lava, using charred bones in the décor.
• Giovanni likes the layout, but doubts the ruins were made by dwarves. If Mistmire was made by dwarves, than he's a blue dragon.
  Egbert: Is he a blue dragon?
• On their way back, it is agreed that Dob and Merilwen's minds are temporarily shattered by being in the presence of Flannery, who's woken up after a "refreshing" 8 minutes of sleep.
• As Giovanni moves in, Merilwen talks to Dob and hopes Corazón didn't do something stupid like pretend to be estate agents.
  Flannery: I agree, estate agents are the worst.
  Merilwen: Oh no! I agree! With Flannery!
• Dob tries to give Giovanni Flannery as a gift. He insists that the dragon talking to the Ancient Eldritch Being Flannery would generate heat.
  Egbert: The last dragon was imprisoned. Now the new one is imprisoned and tortured.

Story 71: "Corpse and Robbers"

• The crew mocks Johnny's lack of detail on Harris. Apparently, one of Harris's arms is twice the length of the other.
• Egbert uses Locate Object to find Harris, which uses a forked twig as a focus similar to divining rods. Just as he does so, he immediately tells a sheepishly grinning Merilwen not to call it Tree-PS or something.
  Merilwen: I'm using four goats.
  Johnny: It's four children, they take turns holding the twig. I was making a four kids joke.
  Merilwen: So was I.^note A young goat is called a kid
  Corazón:(Face Palm) None of these are jokes!
• Richard, a concerned citizen, is still trying to get people to leave Mistmire. Johnny immediately calls for Charisma/Performance when Corazón and Dob start dealing with him. It works the first time, but Dob then rolls a Critical Failure and now seems cruel.
• Egbert's twig begins vibrating, and he interprets this as do a U-turn.
• After discussing the power of this forked twig, Dob and Merilwen begin to equate not using this spell with going mad from listening to Flannery. Prudence, meanwhile, follows the twig's instructions.
• Corazon finds Harris curled up like he's asleep. Shaking him does nothing so Prudence casts Detect Magic. As it turns out, he's not moving because Harris is a corpse.
• Dob casts Speak with Dead on Harris.
  Johnny: My least favorite things about the spell is making everything sound cryptic.
• Johnny and Corazón demand Egbert renounce his puns.
• After discovering Harris was sleeping when he was killed, the group races back to Shattershield to find him asleep, but also alive. Corazón insists on spiking Shattershield with syrup of ipecac.
• Convinced that an evil druid has disguised itself as a cow, the team attacks it. Prudence is almost half-heartedly concerned if the druid might be Merilwen.
• The cow does not change shape, so it's reasoned that this is a normal cow and the dragon Giovanni can eat it.
  Dob: I'm not feeding that to a dragon. Dob is vegetarian.
  Merilwen: You just exploded it!
• After finding Richard, Merilwen suggests Egbert cast Cone of Truth. It's Zone of Truth, but Egbert treats it like he's a dog with an injury. Corazón pulls out a conical blade and calls that the Cone of Truth.
• Dob takes Richard's apple that he's been eating and asks if there is anything weird about it...taking a bite before he hears the answer. One Wisdom/Perception check of 9 later, Dob thinks it's super-poisoned.
• After finding out Richard is a jackalwere, the group attacks. Dob attempts to play Good Cop/Bad Cop with some healing magic, and then plays with Corazón pretending it's delicious food. Merilwen shuts this down.
• Richard is offended that he's considered a forward scout for his lamia master.
• Merilwen gets the idea to turn into a jackal to find Richard and the lamia. After Merilwen does this, Corazón says they should all ride Merilwen, knowing full well jackals aren't big.
• Dob is going to cast all of his spells on Richard at once. The first one is Mending. After determining all of these are touch spells, Dob lunges...and Corazón asks if Richard is even there.
• Dob's attack goes: Mending, Message, Cure Wounds (which cures a toenail infection), then it finally starts with Hideous Laughter, Thunderwave, Calm Emotions, and finally Crown of Madness (and makes him attack Corazón before reading the spell and realizing he can attack Richard himself).
• Johnny rolls for Richard, and gets a Critical Failure to attack himself. Since such a failure is supposed to harm the attacker, this briefly stuns Johnny since missing wouldn't technically be bad. It's quickly solved: Richard dislocates his jaw.
• When Dob tries to use Heat Metal, Dob wonders if Richard has metal fillings in his teeth.
• Dob continues his "all spells at once" tactic continues after Richard is dead. It involves Greater Invisibility cast on Dob himself out of shame.
• The golden dragon returns, honoring a promise to find the ice dragon mother of the eggs. But the gold dragon has a very important question: Why has his former home been done up all nice and dwarf-like, including lovely hot orange water, when no one offered to even take care of the damp when he lived there?
• Giovanni points out that he doesn't give regular people his true name. Egbert comments that there would be a tenency agreement.
• Merilwen offers to redo the gold dragon's lair, including a nursery since the eggs aren't hatched yet. Prudence points out that it's awfully presumptuous that she assumes the gold dragon and ice dragon are a couple.
• The ice dragon wants a new lair to be done up, but isn't sure where to find one. Suzette shows up to assist, and Dob has to quickly clean himself off, since he's covered in jackal bits.

Story 72: "Snow Escape"

• Luke sets his substitute DM-ing high: There will be at least one death and one marriage.
• Of course, the actual story begins much more humble: You All Meet in an Inn. And it's called the Mincéd Pie: Mincéd is pronounced with two syllables.
• Luke continues: There was a freak snowstorm, everyone sheltered in for the night, slept in a little late, and is now going down for breakfast.
  Mike: This is already my favorite adventure.
• Corazón uses Wisdom/Perception to check on the quality of the sausages. One roll of 4 later, Corazón's next two rolls are at Disadvantage. Egbert rolls a 9 and cannot locate the waffle station.
  Luke: Breakfast is clearly a challenge.
• Desperate to get rid of the Disadvantage rolls, Corazón tries to juggle apples. Luke allows this. Corazón gets a 2, and the apple hits him in the nose... giving his next two rolls at Disadvantage.
  Egbert: And that is how Corazón died.
• Prudence rolls very well for her breakfast, and ends up stealing a sack of cooked eggs.
• There is a Brother–Sister Team of scraggly looking teens named Ori and Millie looking for cool adventuring types. Corazón wastes no time spinning a chair around and straddling it like a Cool Teacher.
• The duo are planning a heist from a sorceress's seemingly abandoned tower. But there's a problem: The door is locked.
  Egbert: I go back to eating my breakfast.
• Corazón attempts to steal the pair's map...and the Disadvantage means it's sticking out of his pocket.
  Andy: Damn this Disadvantage!
• The pair mention the sorceress's name was Khobess, and Prudence searches her memory if she knows this person. As it turns out, she's fairly obscure, and more than likely, she only has a smidgen of talent and is simply a collector of curios.
  Egbert: Ooh, so parts of me are going to stay in. I love it!
  Corazón: The day is young.
  Merilwen: We only just started.
• The door is locked, but Merilwen knocks and gets no answer. She then decides to cast Stone Shape on the wall. Corazón thinks this might be a load bearing wall.
• Upon seeing Merilwen casts Stone Shape, Ori and Millie are concerned she's an evil sorceress, not helped by Corazón's ribbing. Merilwen shapeshifts into a cat to put them at ease. Luke has the pair roll checks to see if they are brave enough to scritch her belly.
• Cat-form Merilwen climbs on a shelf and knocks off a snowglobe. It's believed to be some sort of Fantastic Nuke.
• As it turns out, everyone gets sucked into the snowglobe in for a cursed existence.
• Everyone is cursed in the snowglobe, and Corazón confidently declares the curse can be broken... despite already being cursed and not having broken it.
• Merilwen immediately declares she'll destroy the snowglobe with Moonbeam, since it's destroyed glass before. Egbert points out that no one has investigated anything.
  Corazón: Merilwen just doing things has worked out so well thus far.
• The Moonbeam cuts through the house of another person named Dwayne. And through Dwayne.
• Khobess, the sorceress, is in the snowglobe as well. Corazon tries to hide the fact that the group was there to rob her... and then it's revealed all of the people in the globe had already come to rob her so she's sort of used to it.
• The group decides to climb on the roof.
  Egbert: I rolled a 2, so maybe I don't.
• Prudence considers Spider Climb, but decides against it due to not wasting spell slots. She questions if the roll is Wisdom.
  Egbert: Wisdom would be is it wise to climb on the roof? Which is what I should've considered before rolling a 2.
• After climbing on the roof, the group decides to climb down. Prudence, however, thinks it's better to just jump on Egbert. Everyone agrees.
• An avalanche is triggered, and Prudence grabs onto Ori for support...and he biffs his roll.
  Luke: You still have a hold of Ori's hand. Hopefully, he's still attached to it.
• Egbert has a spell called Locate Object, and the only thing he remembers is that Prudence had a big bag full of the breakfast she stole earlier.
• Corazón finds Prudence's horns and yanks. Luke declares that if the roll fails, the horns are fake.
  Luke: Ori is attached, but every orifice is full of snow. ALMOST every orifice.
• Corazón crafts together a sled of mostly corpses in the hopes of ramming the edge of the snowglobe and destroying it. Prudence loves it.
  Corazón: What's the roll for corpse-sled construction?^note It's Dexterity
• Luke points out that Dob has followed the group.
• Merilwen refuses to ride on the corpse-sled. Instead, she's going to shapeshift into an eagle.
  Corazón: Merilwen, do you want to just finish the adventure solo?
• Millie and Ori roll terribly, and they no longer want to adventure anymore. Corazón sizes up their corpses in case he needs more for the sled.
• The group comes across a remorhaz, a polar wyrm. The group rolls initiative, and Luke offers the group their option of whether they want Millie and Ori in combat order.
  Corazón: Yes, please!
• Merilwen attempts to dive bomb the remorhaz, rolls a Critical Failure, and burns herself.
• Egbert grapples the antennae of the remorhaz and tries to steer it into the snow globe.
  Luke(to audience): There comes in a time in every Oxventure.
• This frees everyone, and the Oxventure ends. Luke comments that there was a death, as Dwayne didn't make it, and Millie and Ori are not actually brother and sister and get married.

Story 73: "Knight Shift"

• Corazón wastes no time talking about how rogues are the strongest, fastest, best at magic, definitely best at being a dragonborn. Egbert resigns himself to being the second-best dragonborn.
• Merilwen tells Dob he's best at being her friend...but then Corazón says he's better at that too.
  Dob: Dammit!
• Johnny has learned much over the Oxventure, and during introductions, bids a solemn farewell to the planned plot, the lore, the boss encounters, the sanctity of the NPCs...
• The story begins in a tavern, and after a discussion of the the low quality of the ale, a monster walks in. It immediately gets shot with a crossbow by the tavern owner.
  Corazón: Aww, this is great! The adventure is doing itself!
• Dob immediately wastes a 4th level healing spell to heal the monster. It de-ages a century.
• The monster is looking for an Algernon Castleton, so Dob immediately asks around. Corazón declares that he'll just look, as Algernon is supposedly in shiny armor and would be easy to spot. Dob declares that Prudence must smell for this Algernon. Egbert immediately declares he will taste for one. Merilwen successfully hears someone in shiny armor. Corazón with a natural 20 determines a decades-old portrait of this Algernon.
• The monster explains that Algernon comes into the monsters' dungeon to delve it. He gets reduced to 1HP, goes home to sleep, and comes back the next day, while the monsters change the dungeon around to make things interesting. Corazón immediately declares this must be a sex thing.
  Johnny: The third rule of the dungeon is no kinkshaming.
• As the Oxventurers approach Algernon's cottage, the sound Merilwen heard earlier gets louder. And it sounded like a dejected person sighing.
  Merilwen: I'm going to take that as a sigh-n.
  Corazón: Oh Christ, I'm really sorry everyone.
  Dob: You can email MCM if you think you need a refund.
• The group decides to cheer up Algernon by pretending they need him to guide the group through the dungeon: Dob displays his lack of discipline by casting Shatter on a wall.
• Egbert licks Algernon's armor for future reference. Johnny stutters to define what roll would be required. And even moreso when Mike rolls a 4.
  Egbert: Strawberries!
  Johnny: Absolutely.
• Algernon grabs a greatsword and Corazón notices all of the other cool weapons on his wall: He immediately grabs a morningstar...and hits Dob.
• To help Algernon, Dob casts Hideous Laughter and he tells an awful joke: What do you do when fighting a group of clowns? Go for the juggler.
  Ellen: And you all have a go at me?
• Corazón decides to boot a goblin into the wall. It leads into goblin volleyball with Merilwen. Once it surrenders, everyone turns to Merilwen to ensure she won't Moonbeam her surrendered and fleeing adversary. And when it's revealed that the goblins regenerate even from fatal injuries, everyone is happy to let Merilwen engage in mass slaughter. Despite her protestations. Algernon casts Moonbeam.
  Prudence: I'm personally inspired by your cruelty and malice.
• Merilwen laments her plight with the aforementioned running Memetic Psychopath joke after she killed those surrendering clones. Or at least, she tries to.
  Merilwen: I try and do one thing to help everyone, and everyone's mean to me about it!
  Dob: Yeah? Try building an orphanage.
  Ellen corpses.
• The next room contains a puzzle. Dob immediately sits down and plays his lute: He's not doing this one.
• The puzzle has a lot of amulets depicting various weather patterns, animals, and locations. Corazon thinks, since the puzzle involves slotting the amulets at a door looking like a snake, the correct amulets are things that snakes like: They like rocks and they like mice to eat. He doesn't know what to do about weather, but Egbert suggests a sun since snakes are cold-blooded. Corazón thinks he knows because Egbert is a reptile.
• It turns out the puzzle was supposed to occupy more time.
  Johnny (narrating): Whoever designed this puzzle must be very disappointed.
• Prudence has fun walking on some strange walls, while Egbert distinctly has not-fun. Johnny calls for a roll.
• Egbert rolls low, and since Johnny isn't sure whether or not Egbert wanted to low roll, so Egbert gets a concussion.
• Corazón biffs a roll and gets fired into Algernon's breastplate. Egbert asks if Corazón can taste the strawberries. It's actually more like blood.
• The next room is dark, but the darkvision-havers in the group find it's perfectly spherical. Johnny then corrects themself: it's cylindrical, but Prudence has already canonically stated it's spherical. Corazón, who doesn't have darkvision, wonders how a "spherical" room could have a floor, but because he has a concussion from hitting Algernon in the breastplate, it turns out he doesn't do this and is actually quite credulous.
• Dob casts Shatter to give an annoying creature they're fighting a taste of its own medicine. It fails the save, but Dob only does ten damage on 3d8, which Johnny chalks up to the creature liking it.
• Egbert is going to pick up the creature's fist and use its unnaturally long arms to wrap around the creature's leg a la The Empire Strikes Back. All the while, Corazón weakly tells Egbert that he has a mace.
• In the next room is a docile gelatinous cube. Prudence gets inside it and finds out it's not even dissolving her. The rest of the group except Corazón join her in floating around inside the cube.
  Luke: I'm DVD menuing off of the sides.
  Ellen: Wait wait wait... He's in the corner!
• The group finds two doors. One has a bird on it, and the other has a skull and crossbones. It's immediately declared to be the pirate room.
• Corazón takes necrotic damage, but uses Uncanny Dodge. Johnny is upset about it.
  Corazón: I take 12 points of necrotic damage, which to be fair is probably more necrotic damage than is healthy to take.
• The final room has a Death Knight in it, who throws a fireball at the wall to be dramatic. Dob casually mentions that if it wanted to be dramatic, it would've throw a fireball at them instead. Dob then gets to learn that once a day Death Knights can throw hellfire orbs - right at him.
• This gem of an exchange when the Oxventurers are debating how to help Algernon with the final fight. It gets a regular laugh at first, but then someone in the audience absolutely loses it causing the group to start Corpsing.
  Dob: I have a good idea!]
  Corazon: Is it casting Bardic Inspiration? Cause that's a good idea. Or is it some kind of slapstick three stooges stuff?
  • A second later, Dob adds "would you like to hear my idea ahead of time?" - as per his habit of just doing his crazy plans without telling anyone, and after the group actually agrees that it is a good idea, decided not to do it after all because he's still bitter about Corazon's three stooges comment.
• Merilwen sneaks over to heal Dob. When Corazón whines about not getting healing himself, it's clarified that he continues to rot from necrotic damage.
• After the combat is over, Johnny marvels on the production values of the throne disappearing to the treasure room.
• The goblins and some backup bugbears that weren't used in this session of the dungeon offer Algernon a job. Egbert advises them to take the money, although since Algernon would be a mid-level boss, Egbert thinks that might be a good move.
• The blood ritual to make Algernon bond to the dungeon is entertainingly horrifying. Corazón just helps himself to some gold.

Story 74: "Grad Attitude"

• Prudence makes it clear that she might be an evil warlock who worships C'thulhu, but she does file her expense reports on all sacrificial victims promptly.
• The story opens in the Lake District, and the guild is doing a bit of banking. Which means Corazón is waterboarding Dob until he tells them where the money is.
• A treasure hunter arrives looking for a great demon, and Corazón immediately begins to wind his hand-crossbow. Prudence is unsure if she would be considered a "great" demon.
• As it turns out, this treasure hunter, Jonathan Bennett, simply lied on an application and wants to do the things he said he did. In addition to the demon, he also wants to fight eels. But unfortunately, Dob only claims there are eels in the lake as a decoy.
• Corazón is convinced the hunter needs his first kiss, and offers Egbert.
  Egbert: My eyes are up here.
• The first task to tackle is wrestling a lion and win. Merilwen can shapeshift into a creature she's seen, so Corazon draws a lion. Which looks more like two fried eggs.
• Dob decides to use some fangs from an eel to claim the rest was eviscerated. He also looks for crystal quaggoth eyes, another item on the list. Unfortunately, the eel fangs Dob has are graphite and they won't be seen as electric.
  Johnny: If you can make things up, so can I!
• Jonathan comments that his lying was so excellent they offered him a full scholarship.
• Dob decides to go to a fishmonger so they can find the proper eel, and then disguises Jonathan as an eel and begins to determine a cover story. Corazón points out you do not need a cover story to buy fish. And of course, when the group meets the fishmonger, he declares that they do.
• Dob summons the skeletons, and Merilwen is quick to remind that if Dob asks them to disguise Jonathan as a skeleton, it will likely end very badly. Dob chalks it up to being rusty since he hasn't summoned them in a while, and the skeletons are incredibly passive aggressive about it.
• Merilwen spins the story: As a druid she is often turned into a wildcat, and thus she has quite the taste for fish. Everyone then looks at her expectantly.
  Merilwen: Just for the halibut.
• Since people need an excuse to buy fish, Prudence can't buy one, so Corazón swaggers in and says he wants to buy eels because he is sexually attracted to them. He rolls a 17.
• Merilwen grabs the eels, and Egbert declares she's okay because she's a wood elf, and it's been decided that WOOD elves do not conduct electricity. They then try to bite her.
• Prudence declares that the eels are the hardest battle ever. Meanwhile, Jonathan and Dob are discussing the skeletons, who are searching for crystal quaggoth caves by clearcutting a forest.
• Jonathan takes less damage than Egbert from the eels.
• When Dob tries to stop the clearcutting, the skeletons hear "crossed wires" as "forest fires"
• Since quaggoth will cannibalize each other, the plan is to get two of them together and...something might happen. So they lead a trail of eel meat from one quaggoth cave to another.
  Johnny: I don't think I can call for a roll on a 20-sided die for that.
• Johnny sets the scene as describing the eel as something the quaggoth used to love because it was exactly how mother used to butcher it.
  Dob: Don't make them endearing! Don't give them mums?
  Merilwen: Because the one you kill usually don't have mums?
  Corazón: Because of the orphans, you know.
  Johnny: Oh, right! Sorry, I didn't get that for a minute.
• The other quaggoth rolls a Critical Failure and Johnny ponders letting it slip into a coma.
• The plan goes wrong because one quaggoth simply ate the other, and now it has the energy from eating quaggoth.
• Corazón reasons that the eyeballs from the eaten quaggoth are probably loose because it's been eaten and casts Mage Hand to get them.
• Dob decides to cast Prestigidation on the eaten quaggoth to make the other one hork up its guts. Johnny questions whether Prestigidation is a Touch spell. The audience answers: It isn't, but because it's Dob and Dob being Dob, a touch attack is required.
• Corazón manages to get the quaggoth out, but chips it when trying to get the crystal corneas.
• Corazón and Dob wonder if C'thulhu would qualify as a god to beat in a game of chance. C'thulhu possesses Corazón to backhand Dob.
• Dob tries to pitch Jonathan on the joys of Oxventuring while drawing a pentagram to summon the Greater Demon.
• Prudence asks if the candles for the summoning are authentic human tallow. They're normal beeswax, and Prudence is offended...that it's not organic.
• A summoned balgura is eager to fight Jonathan. It then Critical Failure rolls for initiative.
• It turns out this adventure was Based on a True Story: Johnny (whose mother's maiden name is Bennett) once lied on a university application about having read many books they hadn't, and thus had to binge read all of them over one weekend. The list included notorious Doorstopper Paradise Lost.

Story 75: "Baking Bad"

• Corazón opens by stealing Dob's lute. Egbert has only stolen the people's hearts. Prudence makes it clear that it is not stealing if they are killed before the property is taken. Merilwen steals innocence because of all the people she's killed.
• Johnny sets the scene. The guild is headed to Saint Crois, where there is an amazing bakery. Wizards come in to make sure the dough is round before baking.
  Johnny: The pastries are to die for. Considering this party, some people might die for them.
• Johnny informs that Saint Crois is a small town, and given the prestige of the bakery, the tagline is "You'll smell us before you see us!" Egbert declares that's his tagline, and Dob's, and that of Tanners' Folly, the town of the urine tanners.
• As the team crests the hill to Saint Crois, the group sees less of a town and more of a town-sized smoking ruin.
  Merilwen: It wasn't us!
• There is some sort of structure running off on crab legs. Dob gives chase, and so does Corazón, declaring the natural agility of a human is necessary. Johnny grants inspiration for that one.
• After a group of lizardfolk are revealed to be behind this, one of them gets killed. Dob immediately casts Speak with Dead, and once the spell is concluded, the creature's head falls off.
  Corazón: Is it a nice head?
• Johnny introduces an urchin with a cough. Merilwen questions why it isn't in the sea.
  Johnny:(deadpan) I don't deserve that one.
• Dob offers a castle for the urchin. Egbert is quick to remind Dob of the last time he embarked on a construction project.
  Corazón: Didn't they have an urchin-like quality. When they were alive.
• The townsfolk reveal what happened: Every pastry chef in town has been kidnapped. Corazón immediately knows what's up.
  Corazón: What's the bare minimum needed to make me a croissant.
• Dob casts Calm Emotions on some bereft villagers that are sobbing into a dead (as in shot by Corazón) condor. Johnny answers what happens: The villagers cry softer.
  Dob: Why do all of my ideas somehow make everything worse?
• Corazón wonders how they're getting up the giant moving citadel. Immediately, thoughts go to Egbert, who used bombs as propulsion. Egbert says he has something for it, but will do it himself since he's not going to risk someone else. Corazón points out that collateral damage has never stopped him before, and Egbert concedes the point.
• Merilwen is asked to shapeshift into a bird so she can scout. Johnny offers a condor, since of course Corazón killed one. Corazón then offers to turn into a condor as well, and Johnny calls for a roll. Merilwen shapeshifts, and Corazón, after a roll of 14, is more "convinced he's a condor"
• Merilwen is offered the standard adventurer's 50-feet of hempen rope. Merilwen thinks she should scout first, as a condor with a length of rope is suspicious. Egbert brushes that off as simply the bad guys won't know what condors eat.
• Merilwen gets the layout of the enemy citadel: It's tiered similar to a wedding cake, a perfect Battle Castle scenario. Corazón finds this out from her because he can speak condor.
  Johnny: I have to object. I love this bit, you can pretend it, but no, you don't actually know.
• The crab-monster is headed towards Castor Falls, where the first ever Oxventure happened. Egbert isn't sure if the group is loved or hated there.
  Johnny: There's an aristocrat there who isn't fond, but it's really 50/50.
• There are a lot of stat boosts to Dexterity and Stealth to chase the crab-citadel. Egbert still rolls a 5.
• The crab-citadel starts to drink at a river, and the group decides to sneak up through there. Corazón declines and thinks everyone going at the same time is a bad idea. Dob decides the group should all die together.
• Dob takes bludgeoning damage from getting buffeted as he goes up the crab-citadel's drinking tube; Corazón, meanwhile uses all the stealth bonuses to get up, and Egbert puts a bomb under his shield because no one told him differently. But he then rolls a 1.
  Merilwen: He over-Egberted it.
  Johnny: Say it like you're proud of it.
• One of the lizardmen pulls up Corazón and Merilwen knows how to respond to this: Telefrag with her bow. As it turns out, Johnny had to have the term explained. However it was a very precise explanation for what happened.
  Prudence: What do you think of the intestines in my horns? Keep it?
• Dob is uncertain how things work, so he is looking for labels. Preferably in Draconic, as Egbert, being dragonborn can surely easily read...
  Egbert: I never learned to read, so...
  Corazón/Prudence: You distribute pamphlets!
• Dob ends up trying to sound out the Draconic labels for Egbert. Thanks to a bad die roll, Egbert thinks he says "hit this pipe to win the game", and promptly does so.
• Corazón is the only one with the mammalian dive response. And he still has condor legs.
• Corazón sneaks up to a sleeping lizardman, and, naturally draws his own face on the lizardman's.
• After realizing the baker the guild frees is an Escort Mission, Corazón desperately tries to skip the dialogue. This includes changing the text speed to "Very Fast" in the options menu.
• Prudence and Merilwen are going to sabotage the boiler and thus will be Team Boiler. Egbert protests that he and Dob are Team Boiler because they have ended up in the boiler. Prudence counters that she doesn't know that yet.
• As Prudence meets up with Dob and Egbert to advance the plot and try and free the fire elemental being held, Corazón has his own plot: the croissants aren't rising properly. Corazón does eventually get them baked well, but when faced with the prospect of either dropping and losing the plate or taking damage, Corazón takes damage.
• As it turns out, the group has freed Imix, the evil primordial being of fire. However, there is an upside: It's 22,000 experience for killing him.
  Egbert: How much do we get for freeing him?

Story 76: "Paddle Royale"

• Johnny divulges something very important before every Oxventure starts: A Madness Mantra into the mirror: "I will lead the Oxventure. I will lead the Oxventure!" Because not long after it starts, one or more members of the guild will seize it. And do something horrible.
• Johnny sets the scene: Suzette is working for a nature conservancy under the care of philanthropist Professor Hammerdahl. Some species, as it turns out, are horribly endangered.
  Dob: Nothing to do with us, I say. Defensively.
  Corazón: Why did they go extinct in the first place? Too delicious.
• Dob immediately disrupts the ecosystem by putting his hands in the water. And rolls a Critical Failure when called for a Wisdom roll.
• Prudence's binoculars have tentacles on them. And they display everything on fire.
• A merman creature bites Dob as he puts his hands in the water, and Corazón springs into action by kicking it, rolling a Critical Hit. The group deliberates how this will work.
  Corazón: Kick a merman in the right place, it'll turn the muscles off.
• Merilwen casts Animal Friendship, and everyone ribs on her. The merman responds with a very vulgar insult.
  Corazón: I add it to my repertoire.
• Johnny makes it clear: The merman is actually a sahaugin, and they are of least concern when it comes to conservation. There are even bounties on them. Suzette even shouts weapons free.
• Dob gives a thumbs up, and questions if his thumb is still attached. It is, but it's a bit dislocated.
• Egbert ribs Dob for getting the worst natural 1 in the course of Oxventure. Dob whines that Egbert is talking out of turn. Johnny not only looks it, but it would've been his go anyway since he rolled next for initiative.
  Dob: I use my bonus action to narc on Egbert.
• Egbert questions drop-kick or roundhouse kicks: Mostly because he doesn't know how supple Egbert is.
• Egbert is asked for his movement speed, which kicks off a whole digression:
  Johnny: I can say you can use your move, sure.
  Andy: What's your movement speed?
  Mike: I don't...what. Thirty, whatever that means.
  Luke: The indignation in that voice...
  Mike: Is that thirty miles an hour, what does that even mean?
  [the entire table breaks out in laughter while repeating "thirty miles an hour" as Ellen valiantly tries to explain how grids are used to Mike's bewilderment]
  Mike: It was a facetious comment...!
  Johnny: Oh, sure...
  Mike: ...that everyone is taking far too seriously.
  Johnny: ..."I was only kidding, guys." You can move thirty feet.
  Mike: Per what?
  [Andy nearly does a Spit Take as the table breaks out in laughter again.]
  Johnny: (their mind actively cracking) Round! Round!!
  Mike: (in cheerful obliviousness) And a round is like what?
  Johnny: Six seconds!
• Dob thinks of the idea to cast Thunderwave in the water, but he doesn't want to seem barbaric since his sister is present. He then immediately questions if sahaugin are cannibalistic. Seal Gaiman goes for it. Corazón comments that clearly Egbert isn't giving him a balanced diet. Johnny meanwhile, questions if seals can get scurvy^note they can't.
• Prudence takes off her sun hat and cucumbers over her eyes. And then goes to dislodge the chunks of sahaugin thrown in the propeller.
  Johnny: The temptation to make this Wisdom/Animal Handling...
• Corazón rolls a Wisdom roll of 1, and becomes convinced the river is on fire. Or lava.
• Merilwen decides to Wild Shape into a reef shark. Johnny informs that sahaugin can telepathically control sharks.
• The sahaugin attacks Seal Gaiman. It is realized that he's never been statted up.
  Johnny: If anything in the Oxventure has Plot Armor, it's Seal Gaiman.
• Egbert uses a net to scoop out Seal Gaiman, but the roll doesn't go well and Seal Gaiman flops on the deck. Mike pancakes his Seal Gaiman plushie headfirst into the table.
  Johnny: Oh jeez, now I feel bad.
• Corazón asks if his natural 1 is still in effect where he believes the river is either on fire or actual lava, and since it is, he crawls on the deck looking for shelter and write his last will and testament. Johnny grants inspiration for that one.
• Since Merilwen was telepathically command to leave, Egbert brings up how he thought the move speed was 30mph, causing much laughter.
  Johnny: If telepathically-controlled Merilwen moves at 3PM...
• Corazón's Natural 1 wears off, and reveals the last will and testament was to turn his money into a giant statue of himself, which would be thrown into the sea.
  Johnny: It's still valid. You could die later.
• According to the science in G'eth: Eagles attack with both the front and the rear at the same time.
• The combat ends, but with Merilwen flying as an Eagle, Johnny informs that everyone else has a peaceful, easy feeling.
• Johnny muses at how a dragon-turtle should sound like. Andy offers Surfer Dude, and Johnny declares Sure, Let's Go with That.
• The group meets professor Hammerdahl, and Corazón is impressed by how wealthy he is.
  Dob: You gonna marry him?
• Johnny questions whether Prudence drifts or parallel parks the boat.
• Corazón immediately begins flirting, and the Charisma check works. Corazón then undoes a button on his shirt, and Johnny rolls a Constitution saving throw. And gets a 3, and might be suffering a heart attack.
  Dob: Don't stress your heart! Until it's nice and legal.
• Dob wonders if Hammerdahl is breeding the animals for human consumption. Johnny calls for a Wisdom check and Dob gets another 1, leading to him flying into a rage and attacking Hammerdahl. Suzette has to quite literally slap him out of it.
• Hammerdahl explains that the preserve is now on a skeleton crew. Egbert comments that so does the Guild.
• The professor explains how to bring back endangered species: Fossils and necromancy.
• Hammerdahl does this creepy thing where he smacks his lips. Dob eventually suggets Corazón cast Grease on them.
• The group deliberates whether they should be paid or not: Prudence admits gathering loot is almost a bit of a reflex for her, as she doesn't use it. However, she does want a necromancy-activated dinosaur. When she is shown a triceratops, she's disappointed it's not a skeleton. Egbert suggests she kill it later.

Story 77: "Life Finds a Dob"

• Dob immediately grabs Suzette in a huddle upon seeing the rabid triceratops. Suzette didn't tell Hammerdahl Dob can cure rabies, just that he survived rabies. Apparently, it's the sort of thing that just comes up in conversation.
• Dob of course, does the only sensible thing, and become a Large Ham showoff.
• Corazón has another course of action: The cure is in Dob, so if they feed Dob to the triceratops, that will cure it. Or y'know, it could just be on his skin, and maybe it can just lick Dob for a while.
  Dob: The triceratops will lick me plenty.
• Dob and Suzette continue to argue and Suzette wonders why Dob is pretending to cure rabies. Dob deflects by saying Hammerdahl will probably dissect him: Suzette corrects and states cutting a live specimen is actually vivisection. Meanwhile, both Corazón and Suzette wonder if Dob still has rabies or not.
• Suzette looks for foam around Dob's mouth, but it's the fish in his lungs. That is armed.
• The Guild confers as to whether Dob has rabies: Corazón points out that Dob has bitten the guild and no one contracted rabies, but Prudence points out Dob's aversion to bathing.
  Prudence: Can you promise us you don't have rabies.
  Dob:(skittishly) Yes. Although someone with rabies would say that.
• As the conversation continues, Dob states that he is the expert because he has been the only one with rabies. Corazon and Prudence demand tests.
  Dob: I knew they were working up towards dissection.
  Corazon: Vivisection!
• Merilwen tries to help, but Dob leaps into the triceratops enclosure to avoid the bloodthirsty Dob-harvesters that are the rest of the Guild. Merilwen wants to gather some blood samples on the broken enclosure Dob jumped in, but Dob casts Shatter to atomize it.
• Merilwen tries to cast Animal Friendship, but the triceratops has an Intelligence, at 2, that is too high, does not speak a Language, and, for the record, has rabies. Merilwen corrects: It's actually needs an intelligence of 4 to be too high. Merilwen tries to convince Johnny that the Animal Friendship would succeed if not for the rabies: Johnny refuses to commit to that.
• Dob immediately gets gored by the triceratops, spilling the blood everyone was looking.
  Dob: If Dob is going to die, I want it to be gored by a triceratops, while passive-aggressively making a point...that I'm not sure what it is.
• Dob biffs another roll and wonders if an electric fence. It causes serious damage, but Johnny also biffs the triceratops's roll and it is now comatose.
• Doctor Dob at work: Rabies is heat.
• Johnny teases that Corazon's sword has a handle he's never used. Corazon eagerly thinks it cures rabies: It casts Fireball at 3rd level. On the triceratops.
• Egbert declares science is weird, and is going to stick to his purple cow god. He then casually reveals his Lay on Hands power can in fact, cure one disease. He just doesn't want to.
• Egbert eventually agrees, but Prudence asks if it cures the coma instead: Comas don't count as a disease.
  Johnny: I can safely say: I did not see this coming.
• Dob thinks antibodies are having an ant-like body.
• Dob gets bitten by a rabid monster. For 20 points of piercing damage.
  Dob: There's a human cost to science.
• As Dob is trying to free himself from the enclosure, Corazón is creating a submission for G'eth's funniest home videos.
• The guild wants to collect Dob's blood, but he already spilled some thanks to the injuries, so Merilwen wants to use Control Water to scoop it up. Johnny will only allow this for people not from the guild. Prudence states she forbids controlling blood in the bodies of other people. Because she's the only person who can do that.
• Being licked by a giraffe tongue is weirdly prehensile.

Story 78: "Centaur of Attention"

• A pterodactyl picks up Egbert and flies him away.
  Corazon: I mentally catalogue all of Egbert's possessions so I can have them later.
• Egbert drops his cursed mace: Corazon eagerly takes it. And taps Dob with it. He doesn't turn into anything.
• The centaur Margery Clipfangler, played by guest player Shamini Bundell, shows up looking for Denise; naturally, Dob claims to be her. Margery requests coffee, and Dob searches for muddy puddles and scoops it up, casting Prestigidation to handle both taste and temperature. He then gives it to Margery, without a cup.
  Margery: Denise, it's better when there's a cup. My hands are burning.
  Dob: Is that a compliment?
• Margery states that she and Hammerdahl go way back and she wanted to check out his escapade, convinced it's very safe for the creatures and everyone in the park.
  Corazon: I cast my eye on all the injuries Dob sustained.
• Denise emerges with a cup of coffee.
  Dob: I run around Denise.
• Margery discovers the real Denise: Her coffee tastes terrible.
• Margery brings a box filled with some sort of horrible creature. She starts cooing to it.
  Merilwen: Awww!
  Prudence: You don't even know what it is yet!
• Johnny explains the creature in the box: A tarrasque.
  Corazon: Oh, Crap!
  Dob: I know what it is. I want everyone else to say it.
• Denise is the immediate dogsbody of the group: When Merilwen tries to be nice and claim she's a tea person, Dob berates her for getting the order wrong.
• Hammerdahl is happy to see Margery, as there are finally some capable people.
• Apparently, the tarrasque, which is named Terrence, was a gift for Hammerdahl, but she wants to make sure the place is good enough.
• Dob suspects there is a romantic attraction between Margery and Hammerdahl: Corazon hopes not, he's trying to black widow him for his money, and undoes another shirt button.
• Hammerdahl and Margery discuss how tarrasques keep getting flushed into the sewers...
• Hammerdahl notices Egbert is missing: Corazon demands financial compensation. Merilwen wonders where Seal Gaiman is: He's sadly mourning on the ground... but when Margery reveals she has treats, he immediately hones in on her.
• Dob declares Jazz is a science. And then immediately rolls a 5, inventing bossa nova.
• Margery explains that Terrence, when finding a home, is going to use his natural instincts. But she does have a riding crop if he gets too ornery.
• After a terrible pun, Corazon taps Dob with Egbert's mace. One roll of 6 later, he is now a kobold.
  Corazon: Awww, he thinks he's people.
• Dob uses a painfully adorable voice, and both Andy and Ellen are unable to maintain their dignity.
• Margery does a Nature check, and gets a 3. She decides the best place for the "eat first, ask questions never" tarrasque is right there.
• Merilwen mocks Dob's kobold voice. Dob asks if his new form gives bonus attacks.
• Johnny calls for Wisdom checks: Corazon and Merilwen get a Critical Hit, but Prudence gets a Critical Failure and thinks the tree is a great place for a home.
  Prudence: Done! Who's for lunch.
  Dob: I think it's me.
• Dob then stands behind Margery.
• As this place is a nature reserve for endangered animals: This one is for the endangered massive cockatrice.
• There is a battle between Terry and the large cockatrice. Margery demands to help.
  Prudence: I don't know him!
• Margery describes her barbarian rage as a miff.
  Corazon: 30 foot cone of miff.
• This "miff" is actually summoning ghost centaurs, who are rather posh for ghosts.
• Terry tries to eat the cockatrice whole, but it's too small.
• Dob asks Corazon to hit him at the cockatrice, and Corazon will also transform Dob into something else.
  Dob: I'm thinking this is going well.
  Prudence: And if it's not, it will be over soon.
• The transformation of the mace turns Dob into an immured one. Dob uses inspiration to roll again. He turns into Count Strahd von Zarovich. Terry technically counts as "restraining" the cockatrice.
• Dob now plans to get out of the sunlight, and while he can't polymorph, he can summon wolves. Margery wants this as snacks for Terry.
• Corazon taps with the mace again, while Prudence tries to convince Dob being a Dreadlord vampire is a gift. Dob is given a choice: He can become Dob again...or an iron golem. He turns back into Dob, with all requisite smells.
  Dob: Did I drink blood?
  Corazon: Some of it. It was a chunky slurry thing.
• Dob then throws up blood for about a minute. Terry begins to eat it.
• Merilwen investigates and finds no young creatures, which would normally be expected.
  Margery: No one is doing it!
• The reason there are no young creatures is the bones the group finds are all young. Immediately Prudence begins dancing on the bones and making bone angels.
• Margery does a knee slide as a centaur to rescue baby Terry.
• There is an old lady surrounded by the baby bones, and the group isn't sure if she is evil or not. Corazon sneaks into the cave to look, but Dob casts Shatter.
  Dob: Look, it was a mass of baby bones!
  Prudence: I respect it!
• Dob casts Shatter on center-mass, and she turns into a hag.
  Hag: Why did you do it like that?
  Dob: The baby bones!

Story 79: "Hag Reflex"

• The scene is set: Dob has just cast Shatter on an old woman. Dob defends that it's a hag, but Prudence counters that they did invade her home.
• Dob still tries to counter that the hag is surrounded by a small mountain of baby bones, but Prudence, and Margery, point out that there are PLENTY of reasons one gets surrounded by baby bones.
  Dob: I'll give you ten seconds.
  Corazon: I think it's going to take longer than that to explain a pile of baby bones.
• Corazon and Dob actually come around to the hag's way of eating baby creatures when she talks about how young flesh tastes better and she's strict on population control: She doesn't hunt to extinction. At least until she begins talking about also eating human children...
  Prudence: Hear her out.
• Merilwen points out the obvious: How on Earth could this hag lure children? After all, they are on an island. The hag explains that this is how she came to understand population control: She ran out of humans and learned her lesson. Dob cheerfully understands...And then casts Shatter.
• Prudence tries to explain that this hag is really just a type of apex predator. Dob tries to protest that the group has killed other people for less, including Merilwen's various war crimes killing clones. Merilwen counters: Those were clones of a friend made without his consent.
• Margery points out that she wants to find a good home for Terry, but there is a lot of child murdering going on.
  Dob: That last sentence is doing lots of heavy lifting.
• The group decides to not fight the hag, but Corazon suggests hiding behind some bones and watching, just to see if she eats the tarrasque. She contently feeds and watches the tarrasque, but laments that she misses the taste of human children. Corazon resolves to put up a sign that says "Beware: Hag. Possible child-eater." On the other side, it says, "Beware, hag, don't eat anymore children."
• Merilwen tries to explain to Dob that she used to be like the hag. While Merilwen tries to explain hunting, Dob thinks she used to lure children into her bone cave.
• The group returns to Hammerdahl, and Luke asks if there is a stat to roll for passive-aggression.
  Merilwen: Whatever it is, you're rolling high!
• Suzette wonders what's eating Dob?
  Merilwen: Not a hag, because he's not a child.
• Merilwen asks if Dob wants to fight the hag. He's conflicted...but decides against it when Margery offers cake and sandwiches.
• Merilwen tries to compliment Denise, the Beleaguered Assistant. Everyone ribs on Denise, and Dob says Merilwen wants to offer "constructive feedback".
  Merilwen: I don't think her talents are being utilized properly.
  Hammerdahl: Ah, I get it. You're an awful cook, the elf said so.
• When Merilwen tries to compliment Denise, Corazon sneaks to Denise that Merilwen is being sarcastic.
• Hammerdahl explains what happened to Egbert: The pterodactyl dropped him in a nest and he is being fed regurgitated fish.
• When Merilwen and Corazon try to explain about the hag, Prudence is quick to point out the hag was on the island before Hammerdahl started the preserve.
• The group tries to discuss the hag as educational, teaching everyone about preservation. However, Merilwen draws the line at reintroducing human children into the wild.
• Prudence protests to hunting the hag, and instead make the resort adults only.
• Hammerdahl celebrates with Dob feeding him another long sandwich. Margery suggests Corazon help out, but he's getting weirded out. But he does take a bite out of the side of the sandwich.
• Dob is asked to dedicate the creation of the new brachiosaur.
• Dob names the brachiosaur Suzette 2. Suzette, taking notes to the side, is nonplussed.
• The guild makes a horrible mess, and are quick to plan Denise.
• Everyone tries to get the brachiosaur outside, including massive casts of Grease: Dob and Prudence both roll a Critical Failure. The two of them roll saving throws and Prudence botches hers.
  Dob: I'm jealous of how you're going to die.
• The Grease Corazon cast makes Prudence shoot out like a champagne cork and she hits a tree.
• Merilwen tries to get a snack for the brachiosaur. While it enjoys the salad, it's less interested in the side of unlimited breadsticks.
  Johnny: You're outside in a grove. It's some sort of Olive Garden.
• When asked how to right-up the fallen-over brachiosaur. Dob explains that when he was younger, he often ate hard-to-digest plants, and so he would eat gravel in order to help with that.
  Suzette: I tried to tell him...
  Prudence: So you think the problem is the brachiosaur doesn't want to be up-right enough?
• Hammerdahl goes for a nap, so Corazon and Prudence want to investigate the secret lab. Margery thinks everything is on the up-and-up, but wouldn't say no to a self-guided tour. Dob questions Suzette, who points out her employment could come in jeopardy. Suzette also says she's normally turn a blind eye, but points out that Dob is impulsive and the rest of the guild are enablers. Corazon shoots a thumbs up. However, she also knows she's unlikely to be successful, so she lets it go.
  Suzette: This conversation never happened.
  Dob: Huh, I wanted to talk to Suzette, but then she said it never happened.^note Johnny grants inspiration for that one.
• A dead-eyed Denise walks out with a three-tiered carrot cake. She then dumps it over when Margery points out she dislikes carrot. Denise immediately realizes the guild is up to something and is eager to rob the place.
• There is a guard abyssal chicken.
• Margery isn't sure about betraying Hammerdahl, but Prudence offers clarification: Hammerdahl is playing the group, so it's not technically a betrayal. They're actually betraying Denise.
• Margery says she doesn't want to betray Hammerdahl, so she departs, but she warns the gang about unleashing something that eats children.
  Dob: Like a hag who eats children?
• Dob thanks Margery for her assistance...and points out this would have never worked with Egbert in the party.

Story 80: "Below the Pelt"

• Cold open: Egbert is flat out on the floor, encouraged to leave the nest by the pterodactyl that abducted.
  Dob: It's fledging day!
• Dob asks a hypothetical: What happens when you meet a creature sitting on a mountain of child bones and they said they wanted to kill the children.
  Merilwen: This again?
  Corazon: That's an extremely reductive way of summarizing.
• Egbert fell out of the sky, so Corazon asks if he requires medical attention. As it turns out, Egbert's snout was smashed in, but if he plugs his ears and blows, it'll resume its normal shape.
• When Corazon tries to explain about the abyssal chicken, Egbert wants food because all his meals have been regurgitated by a pterodactyl. Dob offers to do that for Egbert's meals.
• The password for the door was believed to be the pet abyssal chicken's name: Malory. However, Prudence suggests that's not secure enough and offers MaLory123! Johnny complains the group pre-empted their joke.
• The group finds a lab coat and Dob wears it. As it is Hammerdahl's, the half-orc is obviously too big for it, but Dob insists it's just sexily tight. Corazon says he could disguise himself instead, but Dob isn't sure if he can remove it. Johnny calls for a Dex/Acrobatics roll.
• Dob takes a look at Hammerdahl's notes: While he's proud that "rabies" is crossed out, Dob also sees that the dinosaurs themselves have a lifespan measured in days. Prudence tells him he needs to spend quality time with the brachiosaur Hammerdahl made for him.
  Johnny: They can smell sadness.
• The next room is a habitat, and Merilwen immediately thinks its full of mid-range furniture.
• Merilwen begins to discuss the room, and the guild tells everyone to brace for puns.
• Merilwen sees some creatures, and she speaks with animals to ask what they are. They are "too small", at least according to Hammerdahl, which they think is their name. Merilwen says they aren't too small, they're perfect. And then the creatures die because of their short lifespans. Dob then immediately casts Speak with Dead, only to be reminded that he can't speak with animals, but the corpse is in range.
  Corazon: I'm in the comments of the video right now.
• Dob begins to eat the corpses in order to regurgitate the food into Egbert's mouth, but he wonders if that is against being a vegetarian. He then suggests Merilwen uses Poison Spray to digest instead. Johnny cuts it short when Dob begins to discuss extracting his stomach acid.
• Corazon asks if this habitat is more "cold storage" or "disposal unit." Johnny calls for Wisdom/Insight and allows anyone to join in. The highest roller is Egbert. He discovers that the creatures are hybrids with Hammerdahl's own DNA.
  Prudence: Let's not judge, we did spare the hag that eats children.
  Dob: What's all this we stuff?
  Prudence: We put it to a vote!
• Dob questions if Suzette is around, but Prudence reminds she wanted Plausible Deniability. Dob wishes he had that now.
  Dob: You know when you open a door and discover horrors, then you go to open another door and you just know it's going to be worse?
• When Johnny asks if anyone is wearing leather or some sort of other animal product, Egbert declares his gauntlets are actually pleather.
• Johnny calls for initiative rolls, but doesn't explain what the party is fighting. Prudence calls it an adrenaline rush. Dob asks if threats are a valid target for his spells, which blindsides even Johnny.
• A skeletal mink-like creature attacks Dob, and rips the lab coat he was stuck in. This, however, creates a permanent drain on his armor class.
  Dob: That's good for it.
  Corazon: That's bad for us. And we're us!
• The creature is called a skin trader, based off of the extinct sea mink. Dob asks if seeing a picture of the sea mink is going to make him feel bad about attacking it by kicking it into the air and casting shatter. Johnny offers to show the picture of the horrible skin trader instead. Dob resolves to cast Bardic Inspiration because the skin trader latches onto his foot.
• Corazon declares his bonus action is to get the eff away from the skin trader, because it's horrible. Johnny agrees.
• Johnny questions what Dob could do if he desires to stay still: Corazon suggests death saving throw, but Johnny decides on Constitution. Once he does this, Prudence picks up a dead anaconda and attacks it.
  Prudence: What's the attack on a frozen anaconda?
• Dob questions after Prudence hits if his ankle is still attached?
• Johnny clarifies the difference between poisonous and venomous.
• There is a Continuity Nod of the thirty miles per hour when Egbert goes to get his mace, as Corazon had it while Egbert was held by the pterodactyl.
• Egbert attacks, and misses his first attack, but hits the second. Johnny asks to roll a d6 for the cursed mace, but Mike, again, forgot that was part of the mace.
  Mike: Every time you ask me to roll, I always assume it's for the worst.
  Johnny:(beat) That's fair.
• Merilwen turns into a boa constrictor, but the cold room interferes with her abilities. Although everyone has a riff on how constricting counts as "bludgeoning" damage.
• After two abyssmal rolls for Merilwen, which are only successes because Johnny rolls even worse for the skin trader, it is declared the most pathetic fight in all of G'eth.
  Merilwen: De-fault! De-fault!
• After Corazon rips the creatures head off, the group resolves to hold hands and stamp on the skull.
• After the death of the skin trader, Johnny calls for an Arcana check, which both Merilwen and Dob roll a Critical Failure. Prudence, Corazon and Egbert determine that the skin trader came because of the horrible science that occured here. Dob and Merilwen learn this, and are convinced this will happen to everyone in G'eth. Except for Dob, who is already cursed to die on the mountainside from "Peak Performance." Dob and Merilwen convene the first meeting of the Skull Powderers, and they both get a phobia of graveyards.
• Prudence resolves to destroy the corpses in the room. A cold-storage room has no incinerator, but she can makeshift one since the chemicals used to cool the room are flammable. After a rad display, Merilwen throws some druidic herbs into the fire. Corazon describes this as more of a Louisiana dry rub seasoning, to which Merilwen quips that druids love the seasons.
  Johnny: Booo!
• Hammerdahl's private office is empty. Dob investigates the untouched post that has come in, and rolls another Critical Failure. There's a whiteboard that describes using Hammerdahl's DNA hasn't worked because it makes the creatures infirm, causing Egbert to quip the next step is to make love to the dinosaurs...
• Hammerdahl is attempting to discover why the dinosaurs have such short lifespans, and Corazon declares they must have been brought because Corazon is the most perfect specimen of a man and therefore would want his blood. Johnny is completely unable to react.
• The Critical Failure Dob rolls has him declare that he wrote the letters and therefore, will torch the letters. Johnny questions what sort of fire-producing item he would have in order to cause this to happen.
  Dob: Egbert.
• Corazon attempts to put the letters out and rolls his own Critical Failure which causes his clothes to become damaged.
• As it turns out, Hammerdahl is corresponding with Liliana, which leads Merilwen to wonder if the Egbert clones had rabies. Egbert points out they would never know, since Merilwen keeps killing them.
• Corazon wonders if the office is lined with spare trousers.
• Hammerdahl is paranoid that someone is stealing his research, and only Denise is trustworthy.

Story 81: "In Dino Veritas"

• Dob decides to just shove blood in soap for Denise.
  Johnny: Might be a little late to ask this, but are you taking any precautions to cover your steps on the way out?
  Dob: I write a note: Sorry, went haywire. Signed, Robot.
• One roll of 18 later, and the writing is conveniently in l33tspeak.
• The group didn't do what Denise wanted. And when trying to explain, everyone but Corazon is over by the buffet. It ends up being Dob.
• Dob demands to know who Denise's paymaster is. Denise responds that she didn't have one: She was going to shop around and find the highest bidder.
  Dob: So you're plan is: "I have some blood, trust me it's worth something?"
• The group asks for Egbert to cast Zone of Truth, and after ranting that subjects are aware they are targeted by that spell, he relents...if only because it has a range of 60 feet and he can therefore cast it from the buffet.
• Denise claims she doesn't know Liliana, but now she wants to, on the grounds that Dob bringing her up makes Denise think she'll pay for the research. Dob of course, points out that Liliana would just as easily make promises and then flay Denise.
• Merilwen is elf-handling Dob while he draws an accurate map to show Denise how to get to Necropolis-On-Sea. Meanwhile, Egbert is just eating at the buffet assuming everything is going well. Corazon joins him. Denise uses the Zone of Truth to ask which of the best dips are present: Merilwen suggests the Thousand Island.
  Johnny: It's actually a peninsula.
• Dob admits that he wants Liliana to reciprocate his love. In a Zone of Truth, that's heavy.
• Prudence doesn't think Denise is working for Liliana. However, she does think the guild has now fed the information to Denise to go to Liliana, so resolves to kill her. Merilwen suggests an arrow in the knee. As in, an arrow in De-nise.
  Johnny: I'm out.
• Egbert asks if puns are mistruths and asks Merilwen, still under the Zone of Truth. Merilwen demures and says explaining puns makes them unfunny.
  Corazon: Really? THAT is what makes them unfunny.
• Corazon doesn't want to kill Denise, and Egbert agrees. After all, they let the child-eating hag go.
  Prudence: But the hag wasn't in our way.
• Prudence complains that they never knew what was in the correspondence because Dob burned it, and Dob asks everyone to stop ribbing him if he agrees to stop bringing up the hag.
• Denise, still in the Zone of Truth, comments that she'd probably put the Guild out if they were on fire in front of her, but if Liliana came to the island and murdered the guild, she wouldn't be bothered.
• The guild has another problem to deal with aside from Denise: Dob is sad. When they try to help, discussing things like his stench would repel her, they realize how bad they are at it, and Egbert suggests Dob cast Calm Emotions instead.
• The abyssal chicken vomits and Egbert eats it.
• Johnny calls for a roll and Andy picks up the die...only for it to roll off the table.
  Johnny: I was going to say it's rude, but what else would I have asked for other than a roll?
• Merilwen seeks beetles to color the ethanol Corazon stole, and rolls poorly. Johnny is about to tell her she round a sludgy brown color, but Merilwen protests she wasn't looking for beetles so much as she was looking for something to color the ethanol to look like a rum punch: Johnny compromises. She finds some beetles, but now that she killed them, they are extinct. Merilwen uses them anyway, because not using them would be wasteful.
• Dob resolves to make a barbecue pit and casts Shatter on the ground. The resulting crater is 24 feet in diameter.
• Egbert goes to find some wood for fuel, and his roll of a 4 makes him cut down a three-thousand year old endangered redwood. Which falls and kills another species of endangered beetle.
• Hammerdahl suspects that using materials from long-lived elves might help his creations live longer. Merilwen would offer a sample until she realizes it's more of a "crack open and get the marrow" kind of sample. Dob suggests cloning Merilwen and then killing that clone in order, but Prudence counters that he's assuming the clone would work. Dob then suggests cloning Merilwen and killing the original, causing both Corazon and Egbert to Face Palm.
  Prudence: That is the evilest thing I've ever heard from you, Dob. Or anyone in a long time.
• When Hammerdahl wonders if there's another method, Corazon nervously slips his cursed doubloon back into his shirt and seconds the cracking open Merilwen for the marrow plan.
• Dob explains the birds and the bees to Hammerdahl. Johnny calls for a roll when Andy points out that this would be Dob's understanding of the mechanisms at play. Hammerdahl comes back pale and shivering.
• This exchange:
  Corazon: Messing with curses is a bad idea.
  Dob: Well, you did it.
  Corazon: Yes, and it was a bad idea!

Story 82: "Play Fight"

• The story begins in the town's of Botolph's Crone. Mike, however, hears Botox and looks into getting his crow's feet done. Andy hears Buttocks Town and rolls with that.
• Johnny shows the town is covered in adverts for a play about a pack of wolves in various locations. The current one is Packs: East^note i.e., PAX EAST, where this show was recorded. Andy is furious.
• There is a dignitary, Lord Portwine, from the frozen north of G'eth, beyond the map the guild sells.
• As the adventure begins, Egbert makes it clear: There is no possible way the group isn't going straight to the tavern.
• Merilwen questions as to the visiting dignitary making a deal for the magical self-refrigerating ice wine. After all, Botolph's Crone is a port town. Everyone groans.
• While introducing Morrighan, who is thicker than a bowl of oatmeal, guest player Jasmine Bhullar questions if that is a helpful metaphor, since she doesn't know what the Guild eats.
  Dob: It's mostly gruel.
• Morrighan is looking for adventurers.
  Egbert: What gave it away?
• Immediately, Morrighan offers what she expects is the going rate, which she suspects is 200 gold pieces.
  Dob: We'll take half that! Wait! A quarter now, and a quarter when we complete. That way we get paid twice, and that makes it better.
• Morrighan flicks Dob a silver piece. Merilwen immediately demands it, but Dob insists this makes him treasurer.
• Morrighan explains that the various plays are her work, and while she had success with Packs: West, she wasn't as lucky at the one without magic: Packs: Unplugged. Johnny cheers.
• As the group agrees to help Morrighan to follow her to assist in the theater, there is a large wailing from the back.
  Johnny:(to Merilwen) Don't!
  Merilwen: Didn't know Paniers was here.
  Johnny:(beat) There's a dramatic keening coming from the back of the theater.
• The voice is Morrighan's boss, Byron, moaning that the play is going bad. Corazon thinks this is just being dramatic and goes to overact over Byron. Dob, despite being a bard, has never seen acting and assumes its real.
• The moaning continues
  Johnny: Who goes there? Is it death, finally to relieve me of my burden.
  Corazon: Yes.
• Corazon decides to cast Disguise Self to look like Death. But in G'eth, Death looks like a Grim Reaper with four arms and a sexy lady hippo skull for a head.
• Morrigan tells Byron not to worry: She found a crack team. And Death among them.
• There are wolves that need food: Corazon eagerly offers Byron.
• Byron describes some of the play's content: There is a sword fight with a ghost tiger^note a green, glowing Thylacine.
  Egbert: I know what a tiger is.
  Johnny: That is a surprisingly deep cut.
• Dob decides to help Byron find a missing leading lady...and begins to look under chairs. Egbert checks the toilets while Corazon primps his hair.
  Johnny: You go and make nuisances of yourselves. I'll check on you in about 90 seconds.
• Morrighan flirts with a ghost wolf.
• Dob searches for Lydia, and briefly suspects that, since the theater has been closed for three weeks, he'll find her dead. Instead, he finds an old corn dog.
  Merilwen: Don't eat it.
  Corazon: Do it!
  Dob: I'll cast Prestigidation on it first.
• Merilwen is contracted to play a shepherd, and Corazon and Dob immediately offer themselves as sheep.
• Dob chastises Morrighan for not considering something: There are two clues, missing Lydia and the costume. The costume stole Lydia.
• Everyone rolls Investigation checks to look at Gerald. Who rolls a 5 and faints.
  Dob: Gerald is the prime suspect, guilty people don't faint. (beat) No, wait, innocent people don't faint.
• As it turns out, the tavern doesn't have the courage to stop Morrighan, or anyone, from bringing animals in. It's even on the sign.
• Dob insists that the missing Lydia is behind the bar. She has to be seen, she has uncanny sharpness, which is a spell Dob probably gets.
• Corazon finds a man nursing an ale and dressed like a shepherd. Corazon calls himself the shepherd inspector, and Johnny calls for Wisdom rolls. Dob rolls as well, and demures. Johnny says the roll to beat is a 10.
  Dob: I got a 9. Round up?
• Egbert has a way to make the shepherd speak the truth.
  Corazon: A big mace!
• Instead, Egbert casts Command three times, to make the shepherd drink more booze. Morrighan approves.
  Corazon: You literally have Zone of Truth!
• The shepherd rolls a 1 and immediately asks for beer bongs.
• Morrighan asks for the best roll for claymore shots (as in, on an actual giant sword). Johnny eventually settles on Charisma/Persuasion. Morrighan then describes the trick in more detail. You do the shots as the sword is falling down and try to get out of the way. A natural 20 from Corazon means Uncanny Dodge is in effect. Merilwen gets a 12, and takes six points of embarrassment damage.
• As it turns out, the shepherd is Lydia, but she doesn't want to go through with the play because her murder is being planned. Johnny asks for what that is, and bungles "premediated" with "doing meditations"
• Lydia explains that it's actually the dignitary who is targeted. Dob shames Lydia for not telling anyone, although Lydia counters that she thinks if she disappears, the play won't happen.
• Corazon thinks he should take Lydia's place. Morrighan says that would make him a target too. After an audience member states how this would be the case...
  Johnny: Welcome to the Oxventurer canon, we own the IP rights to your face.
• Morrighan wonders if Corazon can Supermodel Strut well enough and casts Guidance. Unsure of how to roll this, Andy opens the player's guide, only for Mike to comment the book is for decoration only. The resulting roll is a 6, but he gets a d4 extra...for a grand total of 7. Johnny calls for a Constitution saving throw, and Corazon gets another natural 20.
  Johnny: You're a rogue, your ankles are made of rubber.
• Dob decides to split the party to foil both the assassination in the box and the backup on the roof. Dob is not allowed to go to the roof by himself.
• Portwine arrives and Egbert looks at him through opera glasses. Johnny describes him as a barrel-chested human, but then realizes Portwine was written as a tortle and offers a correction. Egbert smashes his opera glasses and calls them broken. Johnny grants inspiration for that one.
• Dob is allowed to scurry up to the roof, and Johnny calls for a roll because the way he described moving sounded unsafe.
  Dob: This is Merilwen's fault.
• Merilwen goes backstage as a dire wolf to blend in with the others. The wolves are mostly okay with it...except for the alpha. Who then flirts with Merilwen.
  Merilwen: Only time I'll accept a wolf-whistle.
• Corazon is rehearsing his one line over and over...to the point where he is now stressed.
• The play opens and Johnny describes it, since it's a new play and no one read it: It's a play where the people are being attacked by dire wolves. In iambic pentameter.
• Corazon's cue puts him on stage for his one scene as the shepherd. He casts Minor Illusion to make a dry ice fog. And Dancing Lights so he has several spotlights. And then Grease so he slides on the stage. And then launches dramatically into his line. Ellen and Johnny do not survive.
  Johnny: Please roll Charisma (Performance) at advantage.
• Corazon then immediately goes off-script to call himself the king and also a vampire. Which also have a singing number.
  Johnny: I've changed my mind: At disadvantage.
• Corazon is pinned to the ground. And he'll never work in this town again.
• Johnny calls for a Wisdom (Insight) check; Egbert wonders if he left the oven on. Dob, meanwhile, has his safety backpack caught on the rafters.
• Egbert checks to see if the assassination happening. And gets a critical 1.
• Johnny turns to Dob.
  Dob: What was I rolling?
  Corazon: A dice.
• Dob goes to attack and stop the asssassination, rolling a critical 1 on his own. Dob's weapon...is his baby reins. The critical 1 catapults him.
  Johnny: You are going to...
  Dob: Die.
  Corazon: I would cast Feather Fall on you, but I used all of my spell slots of dry ice and spotlights.
  Johnny (calmly): No one would expect anything less of you.
• Dob screams for everyone to stop the assassin, a man with a cane. Corazon points out he could've done that before catapulting himself. And of course, that means no one is around on the roof. Everyone asks what Corazon is doing, and he can't do anything other can continue to be mauled by wolves.
• Dob then decides to shout "fire", Merilwen, of course, is not happy.
  Dob: I'm sure they have safety precaution.
  Corazon: You say, as I'm being mauled by dire wolves.
• Merilwen decides to Take The Bullet (or, rather, poison dart). She rolls, and shows Dob, but he doesn't do the math required. The crowd, meanwhile, thinks the performance is simply avant-garde.
• Johnny tries to pre-empt another of Ellen's puns, but she's explaining the plot.
• Dob goes back onto the roof, this time without his safety harness. Corazon, meanwhile, gets into the chorus line.
• Dob wants to use his dirty 20 to help Morrighan and Egbert onto the roof. But since Egbert rolled a Critical Failure, he's getting a drink at the bar.
• Johnny calls a Wisdom (Perception) check a "wizzy pee." It's considered to be like experimental music.
• Merilwen's signal is a "ca-caw!"
• At the sight of an assassin, Morrighan picks him up and tries to choke him while dangling him over the edge while Dob chokes him.
• While fighting, Dob politely asks Morrighan if there is value in taking the assassin alive.
• The assassin has a note which Dob reads. It starts with "destroy after reading." Dob reads that line and immediately destroys it. Johnny and Ellen are in complete disbelief.
  Johnny: Narratively, you do read it.
• Johnny has to look at the notes to remember the client's name. After not being able to find it, it becomes James.
  Johnny (to audience): This is what happens when I make notes!
  Dob: I hope you learned your lesson!
• Morrighan suggests finding this James and taking over his business.
  Dob: Instead of foiling the assassination?
• Egbert questions if he has ears.
• A man in the crowd draws his sword Naked Steel. Morrighan hears "Steve".
• Corazon attacks the assassin while not missing his cues for the dance number. He tries to cajole Advantage on it, and as it turns out, it counts as a Sneak Attack, because no one can see it coming. He gets a Critical Hit. Egbert questions how Corazon hid the weapon.
• One of the assassins cast Fire Bolt, but after a Critical Failure, hits his own feet.
• Egbert uses his breath weapon to set off the pryrotechnics at the end: Immersive theater for everyone.
  Dob: Explosive immolation.
• Egbert rolls three 2's for the damage, and calls that snake eyes.
• Egbert kills 7 audience members and 1 assassin. It's a ratio he can live with.
• Johnny suspects Merilwen will kill the one evaulating his life choices.
• Dob casts Hideous Laughter and asks an assassin why their plan to assassinate at the theater failed? The punchline: It had too many stages. The audience is torn between laughter, applause, and groaning.
• Corazon, naturally, calls himself the Prince and calls himself to the audience.
• Egbert throws a bomb to deal with the now-rampaging ghost tiger, and he ends up killing the Duke he was trying to protect. The adventure thus comes to a very abrupt end.

Story 83: "Cursed Case Scenario"

• On the trip to the Cursehole, the group is joined by Paniers, who mentions that the ending of the curse is good for his relationship with the whale, because the whale doesn't want Paniers to live eternally. Upon hearing that Paniers's eternal existence involves both a gnawing feeling inside and outliving all lovers, Prudence is hoping to get cursed herself.
• Hammerdahl hopes to make Denise immortal as well, because he thinks an eternity of bad reviews will be good for her.

Story 84: "Cavern a Bad Day"

• Johnny opens the scene: There is omnious clanking from the next room.
  Egbert: I vote not to investigate.
  Prudence: What's your plan then?
  Egbert: I live here now.
  Corazon: In the small gap between the blade room and the clanking room?
• A robotic creature with swords appears, and Prudence gets hungry. Dob knows exactly how things work in the Oxventure:
  Dob: We don't need a kitchen. We're going to die here!
  Prudence: Fine. Let's die by sword-robot.
• Prudence wants to hack the robots to make her a milkshake.
  Corazon: We tried hacking them last time.
• Egbert contends that since assembly lines are specific, disrupting one will cause a problem.
• Corazon is given an Invisibility spell to go after the robot, but Prudence and Merilwen clarify that attacking causes the spell to end. Corazon is convinced jamming a sword in a robot isn't considered an "attack." However, Dob clarifies that he casts Greater Invisibility. And Corazon gets a Critical Hit of natural 20 anyway.
• Johnny muses that Corazon's sword casts Fireball, so Corazon will do that. Corazon ends up doing 110 points of fire and piercing damage, and the resulting creature treats it like Feed It a Bomb.
• Johnny calls for initiative, and the robot is very badly hurt. Dob hopes for a Kill Steal...although after the initiative roll, it's more likely that Hammerdahl is going to do that.
• Prudence asks with her forked Eldritch Blast, and misses with the second hit, so it looks more like a Roman candle.
  Corazon: Okay, I did over a hundred points of damage...Prudence did 7.
• Corazon casts Grease on the sword robot and it flails around and falls. That's dangerous when you're made of swords.
• The sword-robot attacks and Johnny rolls for a target and the creature spears Hammerdahl.
• Egbert uses a crowbar to pull bits of robot off the sword-robot, which makes the robot 80% less effective, then Egbert uses his second attack to do that again. Egbert rolls to make it 40% less effective, and Corazon suggests that it's 40% of the 20% the robot still has.
  Johnny: I wish I'd thought of that, sure!
• Dob tries to attack, rolls a Critical Failure, and then feels bad about the robot's destruction and stabs himself with the sword.
• Johnny comments that the spear-launcher was chosen for attack rather, so Dob should feel lucky. And either way, Dob isn't going to keep going because he feels bad for the robot.
  Johnny: Wait, DO you keep going?
• Egbert begrudgingly heals Hammerdahl after all is done.
• In the next room, neither Corazon or Paniers remember the room. Dob tries to say it was simply boring, but Paniers points out that a boring room would be memorable, and the room before that so bad everyone repressed the memories. After all, Seaweed Steve ran off crying, something about the seaweed choking him.
• Merilwen sticks her head in the room and is immediately accosted by all painful psychological torment.
• Corazon is confronted by the Cursehole Entity with the thought to either stay and drown with his new friends or abandon the group as he did before. Corazon attacks the creature instead...and gets a Critical Failure.
• Merilwen's response: Control Water and drown the entity instead.
• Corazon's natural 1 means he goes last. He equates this to waiting for Egbert's second attack that never comes.
• Prudence banishes the creature...and wants to steal the treasure. She takes a coin and swallow it.
• After combatting the creature, Johnny calls for an Intelligence saving throw. Egbert rolls a critical 1.

Story 85: "Staff Wars"

• Paniers goes to help Corazon by chucking him a dagger. Johnny emphasizes that it's not a betrayal, but an underhanded throw. Paniers rolls badly and the dagger falls into the drink.
  Johnny: Oh, wait, Two Hand Fighting! (rolls, the other dagger falls into the drink)
• Dob and Egbert pass their Mind blasted rolls, but Egbert rolls a Natural 20 and therefore gets to act in the round. He finagles something from Johnny: This curse-type creature is clearly a being of evil, and therefore, should not powers of good seriously hurt this thing?.
• Egbert casts Bless on the creature, which, ordinarily, would be something he'd do for his teammates.
  Dob: Would you?
  Merilwen: Let me tell you about that time he cast Bless, that was awesome.
• Corazon ungrapples from the creature and does a hit. Dob asks Corazon if they can team up: Corazon can cast Grease, whereas Dob can use Prestigidation to create a spark to ignite the Grease. Egbert then offers to use his breath weapon and Merilwen shifts Moonbeam on it. Prudence is asked if she wants to get in on all of this murder, but at this point, joining in would feel gauche and she refuses.
• Hammerdahl points out that, rather than trying to revive extinct creatures with curses and rabies-involved research, he should focus on the creatures already around. Like Egbert. And the eggs he hasn't found a home for.
• Not that he is greedy, but Egbert wonders if the cursing entity is gone, if the treasure of the Cursehole is now a fair prize. As the place was flooding, there is now a ready-made lake and Dob eagerly pushes the treasure inside. Prudence, of course, swallowed one of the coins, so she's working on her own curse.
• Corazon finds a bejeweled eyepatch and, after looking at it, throws it on the pile. Johnny's jaw drops.
  Egbert: Corazon, you dropped this.
• Corazon snaps at Egbert and claims he didn't mock Egbert when Egbert was making amends with Shattershield...and realizes he actually did.
• Johnny explains the group hears a voice on the wind: Fast Travel Unlocked.
• Merilwen is worried because the baby dragons are on the island with the child-eating hag.
• Dob is required to make a Wisdom/Medicine check to install a filter into Paniers so he can eat krill properly, and rolls a 17. He draws the line at gills: If the whale needs to breathe and Paniers doesn't, it's going to turn into a thing.
• Back with Suzette, Dob attempts to lecture about redoubling on conservation rather than resurrecting species, and then forgets his original goal was to safeguard the dragon eggs, not crack them open.
  Suzette: So you failed?
  Dob: well, it depends how you look at it. If you look at it in terms of 'did we meet our goals', then we failed. (does not elaborate)
• Johnny is quick to amend: Dinosaurs were extinct, but pterodactyls are not. That's why one was able to carry off Egbert and live while Margery was helping the group with the tarrasque.
• Hammerdahl fires the necromancer Astatine, who responds by attacking Hammerdahl and summoning an army of undead skeletons. Denise steps in and says the only one allowed to harm Hammerdahl is her. Johnny calls for rolling initiative, but Egbert and Dob wonder if this is just something the NPCs need to work out.
• Denise throws a large acid arrow, but misses and melts the wall.
• Astatine frees himself from a rampaging triceratops...then rolls a Critical Failure and puts himself right back where he started.
• After Corazon expertly wraps Astatine in a banner of "When will Dinosaurs rule the Earth?", Prudence turns towards the goblin skeletons, pulls out her magical tome: Jeremy Hodbuster's Tome of Making Idioms Real and tells the skeletons there's "no bones about it." They implode.
• Astatine declares this to be an unfair dismissal and will file a lawsuit. Corazon thinks that sounds fair.
• Dob tells the triceratops that "Dob" escaped. Johnny calls for Charisma/Performance and Dob rolls a Critical Failure...but then Johnny realizes since triceratops don't have languages, a roll is rather pointless.

Story 86: "Squid Pro Quo"

• The story begins in a tavern: Egbert rolls for the quality of his ale and gets a 7. He drinks it anyway.
• The group decides to check in with each other. Then, realizing it's a conversation about Dob's feelings, Corazon and Egbert go to the door to avoid.
• A green sickly miasma spreads across the room.
  Dob: Sorry, this always happens when I talk about my feelings.
• C'thulhu is a bit displeased, especially since it looks like the Guild is leading Prudence astray. I mean, has she seen the rosy cheeks on Merilwen?
  Prudence: If anything, I'm leading them astray.
  Corazon: I do some drugs off the blade of a knife.
  Ellen: We'll get demonitized!
  C'thulhu:: And they're doing owl pellets too!
• Merilwen punches Dob to help Prudence save face. Corazon drop-kicks to help out.
• C'thulhu says Prudence might have to choose between herself and her friends. She says it will be a hard choice. Egbert casts Zone of Truth.
• Johnny declares that the tavern starts making an ominous croaking noise. They meant to say "creaking", but decide to roll with the slip, and decide that C'thulhu's corrupting presence turns the tavern into an actual toad. Merilwen casts Animal Friendship.
  Merilwen: He's a toad hall.
  Johnny: I can't be mad at that.
• C'thulhu asks Prudence to prove her devotion by converting the hamlet of Cliffhaven to C'thulhu worship. The group decides to send the toad there, since a giant toad will absolutely be helpful in driving the Cliffhaven mad. They then try to ride the toad... and everyone rolls too poorly to stay on.
• Johnny sets the scene as the group crests the rise over. It's not yet pandamoneium.
  Merilwen: Of course not, it's a toad.
• Corazon and Egbert immediately go for cider: Let them know when the war crimes are done.
• Prudence goes forward with her plan: Stride in purposefully, declare the toad is the harbinger and they all must worship C'thulhu.
  Johnny: That's Charisma/Intimidation, isn't it? Roll with advantage, there's a 30 foot toad next to you.
• Egbert is convinced to bow down, La Vache Mauve is sad.
• The toad was made from a pub, so it is probably hammered.
  Prudence: What could be more evil and chaotic than getting eaten anyway?
• Dob finds the leader, Miss Celeste, and tells her that he is a professional C'thulhu finder.
• Merilwen can't resist:
  Merilwen: It likes croquet. Croak-et.
  Dob: I encourage you not to listen to my assistant.
• Dob rolls to see if he's convincing Miss Celeste and gets a 2.
• Celeste informs Dob that even if C'thulhu comes from the sea, a toad is a fresh-water creature. Dob laughs and has the group move along. Corazon pretends to be a villager, as he carries tons of cider. Johnny rolls poorly again and sends that d20 to Dice Jail.
• Dob attempts to convince Celeste that resident Mona is a C'thulhu worshipper. When that doesn't work, Corazon casts Minor Illusion to make Mona's arms look like tentacles.
  Merilwen: I was going to hide as an octopus, but this is better.
  Johnny: I rolled for the town, and it was another 2. On a different d20.
  Dob: I can't remember the last time a plan went so well, and yet I was so unhappy.
• Dob then goes over to Mona and begins Phase 2 of the plan: Telling Mona Celeste is the true C'thulhuist.
• Dob asks Corazon to help sell the illusion with a disguise kit: Corazon has to remind Dob he's the one who has that.
  Dob: You ARE a pirate, I assume you stole it from me at some point.
• Dob's plans runs into a few hitches: One, Mona is ordered to kill Celeste but hasn't killed anyone. Two:
  Corazon: I'm just asking for my benefit: What is going on, what is the plan?
• Merilwen declares that she is getting bored. She then speaks in Elvish aggressively, then turns into an octopus.
• A villager tries to hit Merilwen with a chair. Dob tries to convince the man that Celeste is the worshipper. It takes too long and he attacks, but misses. Chair Man gets upset and praises C'thulhu in repentance, only for him to be attacked by the other villagers. He then runs and tries to jump out the window, but he misses the window.
• Meanwhile, Prudence has instructed Egbert to build a non-Euclidian sculpture from cider-making equipment and croquet mallets.
  Johnny: I admire with this project you stuck Egbert at the helm.
• Dob casts Invisiblity on Celeste to spread discord. The remaining group holds a vote: Worship C'thulhu or get burned over a thousand dimensions in a non-Euclidian Wicker Man. Also, absentions are a vote for the Wicker Man. One guy still picks the Wicker Man: He's always wanted to travel, and going over a thousand dimensions sounds like a money-saver.
• Prudence asks Dob to go into the Wicker Man. She makes it clear she won't burn it, and only after it starts does Johnny realize that this is part of the performance for the villagers.
• The sculpture, for some reason, has a fire exit.
• For extra safety, Prudence banishes Dob to the fire-safety dimension. She later ends up banishing Corazon to the bomb-safety dimension.
• Johnny is fairly sure that Egbert can use his breath weapon and safely point it at a giant Wicker Man, but there's a roll called for just to be sure—
  Egbert: Three!
• He hits the former pub-toad. Which hits the town hall. Then an orchard, then explodes on the Wicker Man.
• Dob has a Madness Mantra about how he is helping Prudence as he is covered under a goo tent.
• Egbert comes crawling back to La Vache Mauve. Who is the epitome of passive aggressiveness when he asks for some help.
  Dob: Now, we're haggling the miracle.

Story 87: "The Haunted Tavern Tale"

• Johnny sets the scene: The group is in a tavern, and Egbert's pint has run up the wall. Not like with legs, like it was thrown.
  Corazon: Egbert's had enough.
• Dob then throws his pint to participate. Corazon can't abide the waste of good booze and immediately begins to lick the wall.
  Corazon: Is that a Constitution save?
  Johnny: It is now.
• The resulting save causes Corazon four points of mold damage.
• The spirits spell out "Help Me". Corazon immediately suspects it needs help being drunk.
• Dob looks for a little umbrella. His Critical Failure of 1 has him grab a parasol from a table. And an Athletics roll of 2 causes him to engage in a failing tug-of-war against a table.
• After drinking the letters of ale, Corazon offers to buy the next round.
  Egbert: Another ale! Less haunted, please.
• The group was interrupted by a shrieking noise at the back of the tavern.
  Egbert Dob's back!
  Dob: Last time I support your things.
• Corazon gets upset by an exploding cask of wine.
• The wine letters immediately command "Speak My Name!" Merilwen immediately says "my name", and Johnny grudgingly grants inspiration. Egbert begins horribly butchering the names of wines. Dob demands the bartender help him with the parasol.
• Prudence casts Detect Magic, and Johnny states that while the wine isn't magical, it's being manipulated by an external force. Corazon declares it is his mouth. Johnny regretfully grants inspiration.
• Dob asks if the tavern is haunted, and the bartender is shocked, as he was pretty sure all taverns were haunted.
  Merilwen: After we've been in them, yeah.
  Dob: Welcome...to the Ghost Factory
  Bartender: I don't think I can serve you.
  Dob: Why, you don't serve spirits after hours? (Corazon groans)
• Corazon attempts to divine the nature of the wine, as "speak my name" is written in wine. Prudence corrects him to tell him the wine is only being manipulated by an external force. Corazon declares that the external force could also be wine.
• Dob successfully stops from skewering Egbert with the parasol.
• Corazon resolves that the ghost, Olive, wants him to kill Dob.
• Olive leads the group to a haunted house. Dob immediately declares Olive was into crypt-o. And then proceeds to take 13 points of necrotic damage.
• The group splits up, and Dob realizes a terrible truth: The two vain adventurers went to the Hall of Mirrors.
• In the Hall of Trains, Dob fairs little better: He summons the skeletons and uses their bones to make a skeleton train. The price is that the skeletons will rob people.
• When finding three hook horrors, Corazon doesn't want to fight them, so he wants to create a viewing window so people can see them. Alternatively, they can kill the hook horrors, wear their skins, and scare people.
• Corazon immediately signs onto Dob's plan of casting Shatter to disorient the hook horrors: His own plan was to throw the horrors an NPC to munch on.
• Merilwen throws a rock instead: Her Critical Failure roll causes her to shatter the lantern the NPCs are holding.
• Dob still wants to cast Shatter on the hook horrors...but the center mass would be the NPC, so he holds his turn. Johnny agrees: Killing a boy in front of a live audience isn't really in the cards.
• Prudence begins to attack, and she thanks the team for setting everything up.
  Dob: The plan is the same as before. It's just they know we're coming and everything is on fire.
• Dob's shatter goes off, and the Critical Failure of one of their saves causes it to gauge out the throat of another hook horror. Corazon immediately offers to use that for a photo opportunity, as one of those stands one can stick their head in and take a photograph.
  Johnny: Disney adults have the worst imaginations. That's horrible!
• Merilwen decides, between the grease fire, deafened monsters and them attacking each other, decides to cast Spike Growth.
  Johnny: Merilwen's Flame-Broiled Meat Grinder
  Egbert: Can I invent buffalo sauce? (Johnny calls for a Wisdom/Insight roll and Egbert passes)
• The guild begins to discuss de-clawing the hook horrors.
  Johnny: (Breaking the Fourth Wall)'' In the years to come, when they are making the documentary about this, this is the moment when I realized I lost control.
• Egbert questions if his breath weapon works in reverse, and he can eat fire.
  Johnny: You can certainly try.
  Egbert: Good enough for me! What do I roll for that?
• Egbert then rolls a Constitution save: The fire isn't bad, but it could use buffalo sauce.
• Dob offers to heal the hook horror's wounds. Merilwen disagrees.
  Dob: It's not going to bring back their special organ.
  Corazon: How do you know? It might.
  Merilwen: Also, stop calling it a special organ!
  Dob: I will when someone comes up with a better name.
  Johnny: Ears?
  Corazon: Enough of your scientific mumbo-jumbo.
• Corazon offers a compromise: The skeletons can rob people by selling highly marked-up merch.
• The Hook horror house opens to two fatalities from the skeletons and sixteen from the deaf hook horrors. Olive immediately declares her Unfinished Business concluded and pops away before she gets sued.

Story 88: "Clear and Present Danger"

• The group opens up in an inn, and none of them can sleep or trance, as there is a large bellowing outside. Egbert thinks it's because he ate too much, but Johnny assures him that it's not: That's completely unrelated.
• Egbert asks if there is a "gas station" nearby. And there is: It's a way-station to feed horses some hay. They have wilted flowers, and a single-use bard that sings a song and then dies.
• The loud noise is determined to be "organic in nature." Merilwen tries to make sure it's not Seal Gaiman.
• The noise is a giant. Dob tries to pretend that this is his present to Corazon. Corazon said this isn't what he meant by "a giant present" When Egbert comments the present isn't wrapped, he tries to throw Merilwen under the bus.
• Dob uses message to ask Harko the giant to pretend to be a present. One biffed Insight roll later, Harko loves the idea.
• Harko is in so much pain, it feels it might die: Prudence immediately thinks the gift is defective and wants a return receipt.
• Corazon rolls a Wisdom/Medicine check to see what's wrong with Harko. One roll of 4 later...
  Corazon: There's lots of bits in a giant, and one has gone wrong.
• Dob attempts to cast Cure Wounds on Harko, and just as Luke motions his hands, the sound of a train blares. The group rolls with it.
• Harko opens his mouth so that the group can venture inside him to find out what's wrong. It smells terrible but Dob reasons it probably less smelly than the other way in. Corazon suggests splitting the party.
• There is a branch in the path as the group enters the giant: The air hole and the food hole
  Dob: What did you call me?
• Corazon uses his magical earring to tell everyone to attack some wolves when they enter Harko's stomach. Prudence has of course already attacked it.
• The group rescues an aarakocra, but Corazon demands rent.
• The group gets sent into the second stomach, where the more dangerous stomach acid happens. Corazon, remembering his chemistry, remembers he needs an alkaline and reaches for a handful of magnesium that he always carries...
• Corazon decides to get rid of a gas monster, to force the creature to expel him.
• The third stomach has all of the undigestable things in the stomach, including a battering ram. Dob asks if Harko ate a siege.
  Merilwen: Dob! You can use the environmental storytelling.
• After healing the battering ram wound, Harko decides to stand up and go about his business, no longer concerned about his day.
  Egbert: Is his business going to be us?
• The group fashions a bobsled to escape through the intestines, while Corazon attempts to make a laxative with Grease and coffee.
• Prudence, meanwhile, has tunnelled out and starts to lecture Harko, who states he was only beginning Solstice cheer to Brimingham...by eating everyone in town.
• Harko agrees to squat behind a bush and force out the rest of the Guild. Merilwen casts Gust of Wind as they escape.
• The group bargains a favor from Harko: They send him to Necropolis-On-Sea in order to eat the army of Egbert's Liliana has created. Johnny is really annoyed that Ellen found a way to tie this story back into the main plotline.

Story 89: "Frenemy At The Gates"

• Johnny opens by informing the audience that the Oxventurers have had a long adventure and deserve a little rest. Or a heroic death.
  Prudence: We didn't agree to that.
  Merilwen: What? No!
  Dob: Does it have to be heroic?
  Corazon: I was about to volunteer Egbert.
• The story starts in Castor Falls, at the Bawdy Flamingo. It is nighttime, and Prudence wakes up because something is wrong.
  Prudence: How relatable
• As it turns out, it's because someone has a dagger to her throat.
  Corazon: Erg, am I sleep-daggering again?
• The dagger is held by the Guild's arch-nemesis, Liliana the sorceress. She tells Prudence not to panic.
  Prudence: I panic in my mind.
• Liliana informs that the Guild will not hear Prudence if she screams. Prudence tries anyway, and the rest try to hear. Egbert rolls a Critical Failure, and resolves to ignore Prudence upon the morning.
• The discussion derails when it is questioned how many orifices Egbert has.
• Prudence immediately assumes she's being asked to betray her friends, and begins to discuss terms.
• Liliana makes an alliance offer for the guild, and Prudence slips on her evil bunny slipper to get the group. Not Egbert, though, because he's resolved not to listen to her.
• Corazon isn't too keen on this...he has one foot out the door making a Bedsheet Rope
• Egbert isn't awake, so everyone jumps on him. Corazon wants to throw water on him, but he thinks that might cause him to extinguish his inner core.
• Egbert is awoken with the promise of breakfast, and when he brings up his kidney, Corazon wonders if that is what Liliana will serve.
• Dob attempts to make Liliana swoon. It works, but then Dob tries to make coffee.
  Liliana: You're standing in a cask of ale.
• Corazon slides in disapprovingly and takes notice of the most important thing: Is Liliana wearing his clothes? Egbert demands to know where his kidney is. Dob thinks it's in the pastries.
• After an intense argument as to whether a stew pot needs to soak, Merilwen makes a resolution: Never live with Dob.
• Liliana showcases a tome that brought her intense power, including how to make an army of dragonborn. The tome opens to a Vitruvean Man sketch of a dragonborn...with a fig leaf on the crotch.
  Johnny: I know exactly how you people think.
  Egbert: I sleep in the nude and haven't gotten changed.
• Corazon declares that a dragonborn crotch looks like a leaf. He gets Inspiration for that one.
• Egbert wants to give Liliana a pamphlet on Le Vache Mauve...but he remembers he's nude.
• Liliana discusses why the planet of G'eth is flat while others bodies are round. Dob comments that he has never contemplated astral matters...his gaze drifting to the pot.
• Egbert is incredibly annoyed that Liliana doesn't remember his name despite stealing his kidney.
  Egbert: It's Egbert!
  Liliana: Oh! THAT'S why we called them Otherberts.
  Corazon: Write your name on your kidney next time.
• Liliana clarifies that G'eth is a magical seal. Corazon sheepishly points to Seal Gaiman.
• Liliana delved too greedily and too deeply and seems to have un: Luke does not let that one go.
• Liliana explains that her delving drew the attention of many creatures that could destroy G'eth. Dob has a question though: Where does the Guild come in. He says as he cleans the pot.
• Merilwen is keen to help, as there is someone she is not losing. Dob looks down and it's Simon, her cat.
  Dob: Welp, getting this outta here.
• The tome offers a quest to help seal the gates, and Liliana passes it to the guild. As it turns out, the first seal is in the company of one of the most powerful wizards.
  Corazon: We know this, obviously it's me. I cast Dancing Lights.
• When it is determined to be the wizard Binbag, Liliana is incensed that quest incitements and important artifacts and contacts just fall into the Guild's hands. Dob points out that Liliana is in fact one of those things.
• The group has no real way to summon Binbag, he appears when he wants to. They cobble together an idea: Merilwen bemoans that she has no nature-themed quests to go on, while Corazon carefully makes a house of cards. Egbert makes a picnic. All the while, Liliana is watching them for a bemused moment.
  Johnny: Erg...I can't say no to the house of cards.
• Corazon rolls and fails, taking 6 points of paper cut damage. He then dump-tackles him and rolls a Natural 20. Dob starts rummaging his pockets for the crystal in question.
• After gaining the crystal, Corazon cheers the questing...while bleeding from his card wounds.
• The group tries to come up with puns for XP. Merilwen can only get Xtreme Pines for being a wood elf, but Egbert immediately offers excruciating puns.
• A group of marauders comes for Liliana, and Corazon moves first in combat. He uses the skill panache, so he can say something insulting.
  Egbert: That is anything you say.
• He then goes to hide. He rolls an 8, but the marauders roll a 5.
• Dob decides to use catapult, which requires a large item not being carried by anyone. He uses the soaking pot.
• Prudence casts Synaptic Static and hits a huge sphere. It also hits the milkman.
  Corazon: His bones are strong from the milk he's drinking.
• Simon attacks before Merilwen, and Corazon asks if that's a bonus action. The cat acts independently, and Corazon wonders if he can have a parrot. Johnny reminds that Corazon actually has a baby griffin.
• The guard attacks and Simon fails
  Prudence: Simon, you suck.
• After Corazon lethally skewers a pirate, Dob necromantically raises the dead to scare the other marauders. It works, and one begs for forgiveness. Liliana immediately draws a dagger and then kills the grovelling one, pausing to clean the dagger. Dob again begins to give her guff about the pot.
• The book reveals a teleportation coordinate, so Liliana casts Teleportation Circle. Corazon pretends to teleport, but hides in a barrel. Prudence points out that it would be easy for Liliana to make a mincing trap and call it a Teleportation Circle. Liliana goes through first to prove it's all good...only for Corazon to have already gone through in the barrel, stepped out, and said "what kept you."

Story 90: "Elf-Fulfilling Prophecy"

• Johnny again references the possibility of the Oxventurers possibly gaining a heroic death. Race car crash is Mike's idea...
• Johnny brings viewers up to speed: The guild has made an alliance with their archnemesis, Liliana, because she's set some chain reactions that might destroy G'eth as we know it.
  Corazon: Who hasn't? Hashtag relatable.
• The first crystal the group obtained by beating the ass of a wizard. To find the second, they go to an elven settlement that, by all rights, shouldn't exist.
  Egbert: Time for ass beating.
• The elves ignore the group, and Dob asks Merilwen, the resident elf, if this is due to elven haughtiness. Merilwen remarks that this level of haughtiness is higher than expected. Corazon thought she said "horny."
  Merilwen: I've mever many elves, and the haughtiest ones.
  Corazon: I nod and go niiiice.
• Dob tries to talk in Elvish. Merilwen immediately tells him not to say what he said out loud. Too late, one of the elves gasps and drops a basket of potatoes.
  Egbert: Is that the sound they make when they're horny.
  Dob: It's one of them.
  Prudence:(Breaking the Fourth Wall) Please let's not maintain this bit.
• The man is surprised the group can see them. Prudence attempts to see if the person is actually a ghost, so she passes a hand through them. At about 5 miles an hour: She wants to hurt him a little bit: She is Prudence.
• While Merilwen talks to the elf, Dob explains to Liliana that this is the part where she would normally raze a settlement, but the Guild does things more diplomatically. Liliana resignedly puts out her torch.
• Samira, the elf leader, is very shocked to find the group can see and hear the people of the town. Corazon immediately starts screwing with her.
• After determining that no one can leave, Corazon immediately begins asking what weird practices the town is into that caused it, and he immediately opens a door, expecting to find them worshipping a dog skull. It's just a normal dog.
  Dob: It has a skull!
• Dob, meanwhile, insists its cannibalism.
• Dob thinks the society has stayed normal because a millenium is not a long time for elves.
  Merilwen: Your life is short, but there is beauty in that fleetingness.
  Dob: (rolls his eyes and groans)
• Corazon opens another door and finds a crystal.
  Corazon: I was expecting sexual carnage, but a crystal is good.
• Whenever anyone in the group try to take the crystal, it's back on the plinth. Even when Egbert tries to eat it.
  Dob: Did it feel nice?
  Egbert: No?
• The crystal was given to the village by a loudmouth wizard, and that's when all the chaos started. Corazon says not to worry: They beat the wizard.
  Dob: Binbag was a thousand years old?
  Corazon: That's why he was so easy to beat.
• Corazon wants to take a rest: He's taken Binbag damage, and besides, the town has the horniest elves.
• Prudence decides she's living for passive-aggression now.
• Prudence looks around the town for magic and finds a bored shopkeep. She gets a few scrolls of Moonbeam. Even Merilwen gets one, it helps have a backup.
• Merilwen casts Longstrider on Corazon. Corazon states he has the dad energy walk, where he's walking ahead of everyone.
• Merilwen and Liliana discuss romantic interactions. Prudence is living for the passive-aggressive.
  Liliana: I already said I wouldn't murder your friend. Thinking about it is free, though.
• The group goes to a dwarven settlement, where there is a large draconic dog-like skeletal monster called a dracolich that pops out of the settlement to go to the elven settlement, but, just like the elves, it pops back inside. The dwarves can't stop laughing, and Dob is upset because it seems like the guards aren't doing their job.
  Dwarf: It's back, innit?
• As it turns out, the dwarves have the same problem, but they not only can't leave the area around the cavern, they also can't go into the cavern the dracolich comes out of. And the beast just throws a tantrum the whole time.
• The dwarves point out that the prophecy states that someone who can see them will put everything to right, and they will receive a crystal as their reward. Unfortunately, however, the dwarves don't have the crystal. That's not a problem, because the group knows where the crystal is: In the elven settlement. The dwarves are relieved: No out of pocket expenses for rewarding quests.
• The group rolls their Stealth checks, and Johnny rolls for Liliana. She struts down the corridor with a walk that states she got 31 on her Stealth check, and she knows it's higher than anyone else's.
• Merilwen casts Speak with Animals on some bats, Johnny has them Speak in Unison. They inform Merilwen that the only thing in the cave is the bats, the skeletal dragon, and 2,000 gold under a lot of guano. The bats offer a hand against the dracolich, and they agree they have a thousand. Dob wonders if that means they have one human hand on their bodies. They do, and it is utterly revolting.
• Dob decides to Apocalypse Now-style hide himself in guano. He then makes another suggestion: Merilwen should cast Shape Water to make a slurry of guano that can be used later. The resulting image makes the producer make an audible gagging noise from backstage. When the battle starts, Dob emerges excitedly.
• Egbert tries to do Paladin powers...and fails so many rolls he is convinced the Universe doesn't want him to use them.
• Dob summons the skeletons after Merilwen cripples the dracolich. They were carrying the steam engine Dob asked them to build during the haunted house episode. It then promptly explodes.
• The explosion cripples both Dob and Liliana, but Liliana rolls a saving throw to be at 1HP. Dob is the same due to being a half-orc.
• Dob offers the dracolich bones to the skeletons: They dash to them, and don't ask for a terrible price.
• The dwarves heard the battle and immediately ask if the spell ends upon the guild exiting. Dob elects to cast Catapult on a dwarf. The dwarf immediately turns to dust.
• Back at the village, Samira the elder happily gives the group the crystal...and then burns down the village. For form's sake, Corazon opens another door. There is an elf in robes worshipping a dog skull, who runs on all fours away once seen.

Story 91: "Fails From The Crypt"

• The group introduces themselves, and Johnny forgets to introduce themselves before they begin to describe the previous episode.
  Mike: But who are you, Johnny?
  Johnny: Aww, Precision F-Strike.
• As the scene opens, Johnny describes the scene: The elves are freed and after being trapped with each other for a thousand years, they promptly burn their former town to the ground.
  Egbert: This is actually one of the better ways we left a town.
  Corazon: We didn't do it.
  Dob: They burnt it down.
• Corazon asks if Egbert is comfortable going to Mistmire. After all, at this point the group has a pattern of burning down places. Egbert says he thinks it will be fine since he is on good terms with the order.
  Liliana: Last time I was there, I did try to burn it down. Is that going to be a problem?
• The map that Prudence has showcases a subterranean inverted Mistmire.
  Corazon: Egbert, I don't mean this negatively, but you've never been the most observant person. Could you have missed a subterranean Mistmire.
• As Liliana was Persona Non Grata in Mistmire, as Egbert was, they want to disguise her. Liliana's response is to draw up arcane power. They settle for having her put up a hood. Dob points out it looks sinister, and she responds that she HAS been trying to conquer G'eth for centuries.
• Dob and Liliana want to take a long rest. Corazon begins to make coffee while Dob and Merilwen talk about Liliana. Merilwen has to bring up that Dob did cancel his wedding to Katie Pearlhead for her, and the two agree Dob and Liliana need to clear the air. Merilwen will be the wing girl: Literally, she can be a bird.
• Meanwhile Corazon serves coffee to Liliana. He states the beans have "passed through" something, implying that he's made civet coffee, except with Egbert. He's full of charcoal and his firey innards can roast coffee and boil microbes. Johnny angrily gives inspiration
• As the group entires Mistmire, it is full of dead dragonborn bones: The remnants of Liliana's failed attack. She sighs wistfully. Egbert wonders why the bones weren't cleaned up but Prudence points out that at high tide, the bones are already covered. Plus, it's green waste so it's good for the soil, and outside the city, one has to deal with different councils, and that's just annoying. Dob picks up a skull and pantomimes that Egbert shouldn't worry. Even Liliana laughs at that one, and Corazon immediately names the skull Bonesely and brings it with them.
• Shattershield is not happy to see Liliana, and the group tries to explain. Shattershield has never heard of a subterranean Mistmire, but Merilwen points out that the elf village they found was't on any maps. Shattershield asks where this village is now, and Merilwen admits it was burned down, but Corazon states the group is not establishing a pattern: The elves burned it down. Dob attempts to use Bonesely as pantomime, and then Johnny finally calls for a Charisma check. Even Shattershield can't resist.
• Shattershield permits them in the city when Liliana shows him what they are up against. As the group enters the city, the people inside glare at her, and Liliana is affronted, she actually wants them to like her.
• The group comes to Giovanni and he states they're supposed to give 24 hours of notice before the realtors drop by. Corazon wonders if he has been smoking inside...then relents when he's a red dragon.
• Merilwen looks around and gets stuck in the Birdie Boiler. Egbert rolls a Critical Hit and catches her.
• There is a guantlet not for the faint of heart, and failure will rip the soul from your body. Dob is confused because he thinks every body has two souls, like how Egbert had two kidneys.
• The portal opens and there is a set of stairs. And a slide. No points for guessing which one Egbert takes.
  Merilwen: I'll follow Egbert!
• Dob tries to persuade them with Bonesely, and it fails.
• The second room is constantly full of fire. Dob wonders if there are animals immune to fire. Probably an asbestos bird.
• The group is able to make it to a side room that is set for a banquet. Tapestries adorn the walls, so Merilwen goes to read them. Corazon declares he's never seen tapas served on trees before. Dob calls for psychic damage.
• The tapestries depict horrible scenes of the Oxventures dying...then the tapestries come to life. As the battle happens, Prudence works out that the tapestries must be damaged by someone who is not depicted on them and relays this to the team. Egbert, meanwhile, fights his own tapestry...and the tapestry falls clumsily to the floor.
  Egbert: Oh my god, it's exactly like me!
• Dob wants to inspire the next person in line. It's the Merilwen-Tapestry
  Egbert Don't inspire the Merilwen-Tapestry
• Corazon's tapestry attacks him while he hides behind the tapestry the Corazon-creature was originally held on, but gets stuck inside like fly paper.
• Liliana unleashes a No-Holds-Barred Beatdown on Egbert's tapestry.
• Egbert comes around to believing in ghosts...and in the next room with ghosts, it's discovered they are actually a trick of the light.

"D&D but...Everyone has Amnesia Part One"

• As the cast introduces themselves, Mike says he was on board for this: Having no idea what he's doing is how he plays D&D anyway.
• The character sheets have scratch cards. Mike thinks it's a scratch-off lottery ticket.
• Jane quickly settles on the name Red due to her nondescript red clothes. Mike questions what would be a name for a Cat Folk...and immediately settles on Tiddles. For all the group knows, Tiddles is a name of respect in tabaxi culture. Sullivan settles on Manbird.
• Red feels a connection to an arcane force. Manbird feels the favor of something divine. Tiddles...feels nothing
  Tiddles: Great, I'm a nihilist.
• When the first scratch off happens, none of the players have a coin with them. Mike resorts to using a metal d6, while everyone can't stop laughing that Jane carries a Swiss army knife with her.
• Tiddles fails a saving throw and is "knocked prone". The group hears "not prone."
• The group has amnesia, but not enough to know what a giant crab is.
• Red decides to "do a magic" and gets a Burning Hands spell. Because revealing which stat used would probably allow the party and/or audience to guess, Luke has to do the math. There is much gloating as he complains about it.
• The spell cooks the crab. No one speaks crab to know what it says, but it sounds delicious.
• Tiddles tries to do some magic...He learns he has a knack for gathering lies.
• The crab gets to attack Tiddles...who is promptly Squashed Flat and reduced to 2HP.
• After killing the crab, the group decides to see if they have any healing spells. Red unlocks Stunning Strike, Manbird gets Find Steed...
• Mike insists that when he dies, he gets to play Manbird's pony.
• Tiddles reads a typed note that Luke prepared but it's very hard to discern. Luke actually chose a weird font and that made it difficult to read

"D&D but...Everyone has Amnesia Part Two"

• Manbird quickly clarifies: His surname is "Birdman"
• As Tiddles reflects on the group seemingly being criminals, he notes he doesn't feel like a criminal, but everyone is just a construct of their memories. Luke calls for a Wisdom/Insight roll
  Tiddles: I've got tons of that! (rolls die) That's a Critical One. (Luke winces and tries not to laugh)
• This causes Tiddles to stand on a rock and break his splint.
• The conversation derails when Luke debates what is the best save to avoid being struck by lightning. After all, dice rolling is luck so it can't be that.
• The group comes across a crevasse with two anchor points that used to hold a bridge. The pony immediately attempts to use its body as a bridge, it then tumbles into the gap.
• Desperate to uncover his faulty memory, Tiddles attempts to intimidate the crevasse. It is impossible to know, but Tiddles only rolls an 8.
• Red attempts to use the Fist of Unbroken Air...since the ability must be used, Tiddles declares it might make a good Rocket Jump style move.
• There are some harpies in the crevasse who attack. They begin to sing, but Red manages to blast a harpy. The harpies then sing to entrance Red to jump in the crevasse.
  Luke: Oh, there's sweet music in the crevasse! Don't you want to jump in the crevasse! Smash your body on the ground. I'll pick out the bones!
• Tiddles attempts to attack and uses his sneak attack to throw a rock...which whiffs, hits the water, and kills an octopus.
• After killing a harpy, Red scares another off. Apparently, it will be able to talk to the others. But it's also a mean girl harpy who will say nasty things.
• Manbird reveals Command, and wants to tell the last one to run. Tiddles remarks how cruel it is to tell a flying creature to run.
• The group rolls a Stealth check to peek into a ruined chapel. Tiddles and Manbird see an aarakocra warming by a fire. Red, with a roll of Critical 1, just shouts "warm!"
• The aarakorca tries to ally with Manbird and calls the other two filth. Manbird just stutters and says Red and Tiddles are great
  Tiddles: Inspiration?
• The other aarakocra calls Manbird a drowser
  Manbird: Because I'm sleepy?
• When a conversation with an Arakocra begins to go south, Mike decides to begin scratching off one of Tibbles abilities annd says he’ll announce it at the end of the conversation, at which point it is revealed the ability in question is Keen Mind.

Tibbles: ''"I’ll tell you what! North is that way and it is 14 hours to the next sundown"''

• Keen Mind then proceeds to let Kibbles break through his amnesia and Luke didn’t previously consider the interactions of an ability that grants perfect memory with amnesia in a campaign whose center premise involves amnesia.
• Manbird uses Thaumaturgy to use a scary voice. It gives a booming voice, and the other aarakocra gets acid reflux.
• The other aarakocra runs away but Red immediately uses acrobatics and a rope to tie him up. One Natural 20 later, and Red is doing it while flipping.
• Red isn't interested in the valuable exposition about the leader lieutenant.
• Red isn't certain what a "Mnemosyne" looks like, but it is assumed to be a magical item, so Red looks around for one. Tiddles and Manbird assist. Tiddles rolls very well and sees some sort of shadowy box. Manbird gets a Critical Failure and begins to swallow pebbles.
• As Manbird pretends to hold Red as a prisoner, Tiddles is going to sneak up to them. He then promptly rolls another critical one and calls out the clue he missed on an earlier note.
• Tiddles introduced himself as a weird space cat. And then he casts his last mystery spell, because you only live once. Which is Observant.
• Tiddles real name is Page Overbook and Manbird and the captain marvel at how stupid it sounds.
• An octopus rises from the depths: With his amazing perception, Tiddles knows it's the mother of the octopus he killed when he missed the harpies.
• Red agrees to fight an octopus and casts her last mystery spell: Create Bonfire. It is of course, one of those cube-shaped fires.
• The captain attempts to fight the octopus, and one roll of 2 later, he falls over.
• Manbird casts his last spell, which is...Light. Tiddles insist it be cast on the captain's hat. Manbird makes it neon pink. Luke states that Manbird's deity inspires this color since neon pink doesn't exist in nature. Luke rolls for the captain, his mind shatters, and then he dies.
  Mike: Who knew the most lethal spell could be the most boring. If only someone had put something opaque over it.

Oxventure One-Shots

Dread

• In Dread, a tabletop horror game based on classic board game Jenga^note Players pull a Jenga block or potentially multiple Jenga blocks. as the traditional game to do a dangerous and/or difficult action. They die if the tower topples, abandon pulling to fail an action, or they can deliberately knock over the tower to die but auto-succeed. Mike is Jerk Jock Brad who immediately gets into character by giving Andy an atomic wedgie.
• Luke sets the stage: Madison (Ellen's character), Killian (Andy's character) and Brad are on a trip for Spring Break with three others, but now the group has split in two.
  Ellen: Wait, this is a horror game, when you say split in two...
  Luke: Pull to remain intact.
• Brad goes to sleep dreaming about the Super Bowl and scoring the winning touchdown.
  Brad: Don't make me pull for that.
• There are some supplies for the camping trip. But no GPS or technology, firearms, drugs, or booze.
  Brad: Not anymore!
• Throughout the entire thing, both Luke and Killian constantly troll Brad by calling him Greg.
• There is a wolf on the other bank. Killian wants to make sure no one does anything that might enrage or...
  Brad: I flip the bird at the wolf.
• Luke calls a pull for that, but asks what Brad's goal is. The answer: To find it funny.
• Brad begins to mix up his movies and thinks that part where Jason Statham is riding on the machine gun is also the part where DiCaprio stands behind him holding him on the railing.
• Brad comes up with the idea to make beef jerky more appetizing to the werewolves: Soaking it in Eric's blood.
• Madison has designated herself as the leader, but Brad and Killian manage the getaway. Despite her having all the supplies.
• Brad insists the werewolf is a "nerd-wolf."
• Madison and Killian argue about werewolves
  Killian: Next there will be vampires and mummies.
  Madison: That would be silly.
  Killian: Oh, but werewolves aren't silly?
• Luke hams it up as the dying Eric. Brad, naturally, can't be bothered.
  Eric: Where is my pendant.
  Brad: I'm wearing it. Looks good on me.
  Eric: If you get out...tell my story, give the pendant to my wife.
  Brad: I mean...it looks good on me. I think he said give it to me.
• The group threw away their rations to distract the wolves, so the group is now very hungry. Brad asks Killian if he looks like a sausage. Killian says he's a vegetarian, but Brad points out they have plant-based sausages now.
• After Killian gets killed, Madison and Brad are soaking wet and want to start a fire. Madison uses some of her clothes. Luke allows this: This is meant to be a teen slasher flick, so the leading lady's clothes getting ripped are always acceptable.
• Killian and Eric's deaths lead the boats to be destroyed, so Madison and Brad decide to get some sleep and prepare to fight the werewolves: Luke agrees, and says the rest will make them have to pull less from the Jenga tower. Madison starts, but she then backs out. Brad goes, and succeeds, prompting Madison to try again. She pulls, and the tower falls. Ellen collapses on the table in a combination of Corpsing and shame and spins a tale: Brad's snoring meant Madison slept further out, and then she gets got by the werewolf.
  Luke: Thank you, Madison, for your contribution to Brad's possible survival.
• Luke requires Brad to pull for spinning footballs on his finger.
• Brad gets into a showdown with the alpha werewolf and ends up succeeding. He then rocks up to the ranch destination several days later with several wolves in tow since he is now the new alpha of the pack.
  Luke: This was a real win for the upper body strength crowd. Sorry to our predominately nerd audience.

You Awaken in a Strange Place

• Because the game is entirely improvised, the setting is assembled right there by the players picking words and concepts without consulting each other. As soon as "Period Drama" and "nightclub" are brought together, things start to go off the rails. Makeup that grants superpowers and a grand melee over who gets to be the DJ are swiftly added.
• Several issues arise from defining skills:
  • Luke contributes Swordfighting, Jumping, Drinking in Moderation, and Exploding People With Their Mind.
  • Jasper offers Fopping and Borrowing...but everyone mishears it as "Burrowing". It takes about forty minutes for the confusion to become clear.
    Liv: Oh, it's Borrowing.
    Johnny: Oh, Borrowing! I thought you said Burrowing!
    Jasper: ...I've changed my idea! I would like to dig down into the ground, 'cause that's way more fun!
  • Johnny rounds out the skills with the most useful of all: Quietly Panicking.
• Jasper tries to define the world as one where people are merged with other substances for metal arms, stone skin and so on. One botched roll later and all of them are deathly allergic to common substances: Liv picks rubber, Luke canvas (so his naval officer spent his entire career at or below deck height) and Jasper bricks. Almost none of them ever come up.
• The first interaction that arises is Lord Hortingly trying to force Gad Ticklebottom to put on some clothes. It goes poorly.
  Liv: Can I, like, lean out and signal to the orchestra, "Benny Hill, if you wouldn't mind. Thank you, yes."
  Luke: (starts performing "Yakety Sax" slowly on an air violin)
• Luke enlists the other two players to help his character get married to his lost love, who was forced to marry another man who has since died of mysterious explosion. When naming this lost love, there's a visible moment after "Lady Bella" where Luke is drawing a blank on the surname and ends up going with "Bellington".
  Jasper: She's the one at the back, in the black.
  Johnny: And a bit of red. She was wearing black when her husband died.
• "We are a timid people" - Gad Ticklebottom, a few minutes after bouncing naked around a room in front of the Queen while a very uptight man desperately tried to clothe him.
• Often, a lot of the fun of playing a character can derive from their weaknesses and faults.
  Luke: I do think I'm pretty good at swordfighting. Emphasis on "think".
• Jasper adds "I'll Fop again if I have to" to the list of sentences people have used the English language to construct.
• Chaos ensues when Liv tries to setting-build to be on a judging panel for the melee and Johnny has to interpret a failure, culminating in them adding an ongoing hunt for "the Royal Thermostat" to the lore.
  Johnny: Overthrow the monarchy! We're too warm!
• Luke speaks into the lore that everyone needs the bathroom frequently. The complication is that there's a queue.
• Jasper proposes that Lady Bella could join the melee. Johnny offers the complication that she's a fighter of great renown.
  Jasper: YES!
• Johnny accidentally aims too lower-class for the announcement of the melee considering the period drama and laments that it's because they've spent too long running fantasy campaigns.
• When Liv tries to direct Lady Bella towards Lord Hortingly, the only distinguishing feature even Luke has figured out is that he's 43.
• Lady Bella claims her husband passed quite suddenly after a "very brief illness".
  Luke: About one microsecond.
• The society of the game is so uptight that Lady Bella's husband spontaneously exploding is considered "quite rude".
• As the time has come for the melee, Lady Bella sheds her mourning garb to reveal a black oxidised suit of plate armour.
  Liv: Sick.
  Johnny: I promise I know what period drama means.
• Luke rolls to Inherit a set of meteorite katanas. It turns out that they were bought from a shopping centre.
• All of them roll to drink.
  Johnny: Gad Ticklebottom, great news, you're plastered, and that's what you wanted. Queen Beatrice and Lord Hortingly, bad news, you're absolutely plastered.
• Queen Beatrice manages to offend nearly everyone in the room with one failed roll.
  Johnny: And you know what the worst thing about it is? You look radiant. You look like the heat doesn't even bother you, to the point where I'm going to say at least three people in the room are suddenly convinced that you've known where the Royal Thermostat is all along, and you haven't touched it because you like it this way. You've been keeping the people miserable because you like it balmy...The Doomsday Clock of violent revolution has sort of just ticked up one minute.
• Good gamesmastering can involve occasionally pausing to take stock of the situation.
  Johnny: So, okay. We have three problems here.
  Liv: Is it our characters?
  Johnny: Weeeellll...
• Luke explains that Lord Hortingly's subconscious ability to explode people with his mind results from generations of emotional repression. This news comes immediately before he disintegrates a man in the melee.
  Jasper: (as Gad) He appears to be made of air! Some sort of balloon man.
• Gad Ticklebottom tries to gossip his way out of getting stabbed in the melee.
  Luke: That was good Gossipping.
  Jasper: (rolls) Well, it was middling, or not so great. It's a six, so it's bad. Stab me, please.
• The knife-wielding youth is enraged at the mention of his father, who exploded on a ship once. Liv immediately proposes that the queen has invited the children of Lord Hortingly's victims to the nightclub.
• Liv tries to locate a mecha. One failed roll later, "Mecha-Queen" is revealed to consist of Queen Beatrice riding into battle on a random person while having a traumatised child ride piggyback. She does, at least, give the child an invulnerability lip balm.
  Jasper: The kids were briefed that this might happen.
  Johnny: They were.
  Luke: And God bless 'em, they showed up anyway.
• Luke summarises the two intended outcomes of his character's plan: if she likes the music and wants to marry him, fine, if not, he'll walk into the sea.
  Johnny: The two states of being: in a healthy relationship, or walking into the sea!
• Jasper asks if he can, using makeup to give himself sword arms, jump out of the hole and impale the youth who stabbed him.
  Johnny: Of course you can! I would be upset if you didn't!
• At the climax, Luke, with Liv's permission, disintegrates the Queen and sprays gore on the wall in the form of a love letter.
  Liv: Do what you gotta do.
• The players conclude that during the embrace, Bella is crying tears of joy, and then the camera rotates around to reveal Lord Hortingly and Gad Ticklebottom, both realising that he's the one who's been exploding everybody. Hortingly demands that Gad kill him...and Jasper rolls "Exploding People With Their Mind." The realisation that this is possible leads to a scythe of destruction rippling through the nightclub, culminating in the invulnerable child and one of the musicians staring at each other, and then the child shrugs and disintegrates the musician. And then rolls Inheriting.

Dragonlance: Sword of the Dragon Queen

Adventure Skeletons

• The character names: Mike is Lionel Spinel^note pronounced "Spine-L", Jasper is Dr S. Kelly, Liv is Bony Emily and Johnny is Cursed Skeleton #18.
• After Mike does his skeleton voice, Luke asks him to take the Starbucks cup off the table. When he then asks for the Starbucks napkin to be removed as well, Mike points out that that's actually his dice bag.
  Luke: (looking around furtively) I'm sorry, it's a really nice dice bag.
• The characterisation is, as you would expect, a little wacky. Cursed Skeleton #18 Definitely Is Not An Elf and will bring up that he isn't an elf constantly, in unrelated conversations. Lionel Spinel used to be an axe salesman, and Dr S. Kelly is his best customer, because both of them rolled two two-handed axes for starting equipment. Bony Emily decided that being a skeleton would make her career easier.
• Dr S. Kelly is 40,000 years old and formed out of an amalgamation of random bones; Mike wonders how he became a doctor, then answers his own question:
  Mike: Skeleton medical school.
  Jasper: Well, obviously.
• Lionel Spinel has whiled away the years by watching all of Netflix and is now bored. Then they come out with The Queen's Gambit But It's Skeletons.
  Lionel: Folks, I've completed Netflix. Again.
  Dr S. Kelly: Amazon Prime?
  [Johnny busts a gut laughing]
  Luke: You watch all of The Americans But It's Skeletons. (looks at the camera) US viewers, that's where we watch The Americans. This is confusing.
• When Luke says the skeletons don't need to tell anyone about their secret treasures, Johnny swears, having done so in their introduction. Then they conclude that Cursed Skeleton #18 mentioned it as a distraction technique from the elf thing.
• While exiting the dungeon through the secret door, Cursed Skeleton #18 makes a dismissive 'pfft' noise, before Johnny breaks character to comment that they're not entirely sure how he does that, since he doesn't have lips.
• When Bony Emily puts on the gloves, Luke blurts out, "What do the cursed-" before cutting himself off. Then there's some debate about whether the skeletons really need to fear curses.
  Dr Kelly: You're Cursed Skeleton #18; what happened to the other 17?
  Cursed Skeleton #18: Uh - no questions!
• The gravekeeper they meet responds to the sight of four animated skeletons by tipping out his mug of cider.
• #18 asks why there are so many lazy skeletons around in the graveyard, then realises they're probably non-union labour and loses interest on the grounds of "no scabs".
• After fighting back against the gravekeeper, who has knocked off a random selection of arms and legs, #18 taunts him with, "Haha! You have nerve endings!"
  Bony Emily: (who just lost a leg) As a skeleton, I don't have many of those left and you're getting on my last one! Help me up!
• The gravekeeper is killed using an attempt at a Three Stooges Shout-Out as Lionel goes for the finger-eye poke while Dr Kelly crouches behind him. Lionel sticks the eyes in his own skull. Then they loot the corpse for limbs. Dr Kelly is enthralled at the opportunity to get flesh-covered again and proposes a murderous rampage.
• Johnny is caught unawares in coming up with a name for when Cursed Skeleton #18 was alive and an elf. After a moment, they ad-lib "Gethendel Griffinbap", which immediately earns some ribbing from Dr Kelly. Which Bony Emily misses, because she's filing the gold filigree off the gravestone.
  #18: I diagnose you with SHUT UP, Doctor.
  Dr Kelly: A very astute diagnosis. I will see if I can prescribe myself some medicine - oh wait, it says TALK MORE!
• When the child expresses fear that the skeletons will turn his parents into forbidden creatures of darkness, Dr Kelly comforts him: they're nowhere near that powerful, they'd probably just kill the parents and steal their limbs. Inexplicably, the child doesn't find this comforting.
• When the skeletons decide to do farming chores, Bony Emily attempts to get out of actually doing anything by trying to go inside and have a Costume-Test Montage instead.
  Child: As my father always says, the montagin' can wait until the work is done.
• Despite being entirely willing to kill for replacement limbs, #18 is furious at the farmer parents for how they treat their son.
• The skeletons attempt to perform farming tasks. The results are, to put it mildly, chaotic:
  • Bertie the cow has to be milked, a task that Dr Kelly initially attempts to carry out with a two-handed axe. This ends with Dr Kelly detaching a limb with which Bertie can milk herself after a lengthy sequence of Luke portraying a cow pantomiming the milking process. The cow, according to Johnny, has been learning language on Moo-olingo. Nor is the milk actually collected, because Dr Kelly forgot to use a bucket.
    Luke: You've invented the dairy industry! That was bad of you.
  • The eggs need to be collected. Lionel gets extra eggs by shouting at them. Including from the rooster.
  • The dogs need to be fed, although in this case, they're being given a nice bone instead. Specifically, all of Bony Emily's remaining skeleton limbs.
  • Most chaotically, #18 compensates for the lack of a scythe for harvesting by tying a sickle to the child and spinning in a circle, at the end of which the kid briefly becomes a Twinkle in the Sky, then crashes through the roof, thankfully unharmed. Mike jokes that he thinks he's fought this Dark Souls boss.
    #18: I'm not sure how comfortable you are with centrifugal force, but please try not have fatal aneurysm.
• Johnny tries to negotiate for +1 to their roll because as an ex-elf (even in denial) #18 gets +1 to "speak and move".
  Luke: If, in life, you could stand on a snowbank and not sink into the snow...
  Johnny: Or be in three feature films and not do any acting.
• Bony Emily's farewell is to tell the boy, "We probably won't kill your parents! Bye!"
• Lionel's goodbye scream makes the boy lay an egg too. Then he tries it on Dr Kelly, who does actually lay a little skeleton egg.
  Liv: I'm just looking through your pelvis like, "HOW?"
• Cursed Skeleton #18 decides to start in on the boy's father by bowling his skull into the man's shoulder, breaking his arm. Then Johnny fires up their skeleton voice in earnest.
  #18: Dog sleep in barn. Chicken sleep in coop. Cow sleep in weird kink dungeon. But boy?
• The red-robed people in town seem to worship a "Gravelord". As the skeletons start putting two and two together regarding who this Gravelord is, Johnny has #18 complain that Benny stole his bit.
• The skeletons decide to cut to the chase by claiming to be other horsemen of the apocalypse. Dr Kelly is Famine, Emily is War, #18 is Not an Elf, and Lionel is, reluctantly, Pestilence, "the worst one". Then they claim to be tailors to get into the church.
• Benny is introduced relaxing in a hot tub. Dr Kelly decides to Troll him by finding the most echoey part of the church and then:
  Dr Kelly: BENNY! THIS IS GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?
• It turns out that Benny is pretending to be the Grim Reaper and ruling over a death cult. His decree that blood is both currency and main foodstuff draws some critique.
  #18: Humans die if only eat blood, but humans also die if not have enough blood! Don't ask me how I know.
• When they get into the hot tub, there's some concern about the meaty limbs. #18 proposes using said hot tub to make soup.
• The "festival" is actually a summoning ceremony for a Sealed Evil in a Can. Dr Kelly is unimpressed:
  Jasper: I grab Benny and I go, "Benny! You do realise that if he summons a greater evil, they might become our boss and we might actually have to do some bloody work again! This can't happen!"
• A giant bone devil emerges from the pit and knocks off Lionel's head, which flies through the air, screaming.
  Mike: Several people lay eggs.
• Johnny's plan is that Cursed Skeleton #18 will try and graft himself onto the big bone devil and take control of it. Lionel, controlling his body remotely, knocks off the bone devil's arm to provide a socket. The plan works.
  Lionel: I've rendered him 'armless!
  Dr Kelly: Quickly, skeleton, he needs a hand!
• #18's first decree: everyone must prepare two pieces of toast, or one very thick one. Then he grabs Benny and asks if anyone there has ever had marrow on toast.

Teatime Adventures

• Ellen starts the scene at the milk bar with a florodosp, a cute fairy like creature that is covered in fuzz all over.
  Mike: Me too!
• Mike asks an important question about the celebratory feast: Do people who don't work the land also get to feast? When he's told that they do, he's ecstatic.
• The brunch gets to the point of Food Porn.
• Ellen describes how the potluck works: Someone puts their food in a magical pot, and then they draw food. With luck, they get something they want.
• When Ellen asks James T. Cosy how it works, Grant finally gets the pun. James has brought English muffins, that have been pre-buttered.
• A dog named Daffodil jumps on the table and destroys the offerings the team has made for the festival. Ellen comments that the lineage of the dog is a good dog that deserves treats. James counters that even someone deserving should ask before taking. And Posy points out that her brownies aren't good for dogs: There is chocolate in them.
• James questions whether the "sage sausage" is seasoned with the herb, or wise. Tabitha declares it's both.
• Ellen declares Daffodil the town dog, and James immediately declares that's the reason why she's eating their food because she subsists on things she finds. James gives her a muffin and now the dog bonds with her.
  Tabitha: That's great. The dog that eats everything is now following us on quest to get things to eat. Top Draw!
• Tabitha spends 15 minutes getting ready and ends up looking like a sexy compost pile.
• The Sage Sausage makes a variety of delicious foods, and Ellen offers the group to follow their nose to find it. James counters that if they did that, they'd enter via the kitchen entrance. But since James is a local, he decided to enter sensibly...then botches his roll and gets distracted by the dog's breath. Tabitha too, botches, and gets distracted by a handsome skunk. Posy also screws up and walks past it and hits the bakery instead.
• The bakery requires little candies called Cleverlies, but cannot leave her bakery and asks the team to go to the confectioner's shop. James agrees...but then remarks that they only came to the bakery in the first place because they got lost.
• At the confectioners, Tabitha rolls another Critical Failure and finds candies that Daffodil can't get enough of. James gets distracted by performing-enhancing supplements. At this point, Tabitha realizes money exists.
• Posy buys the Cleveries, but the shopkeep is about to drop the jar of them, so James helps her catch it...and then spins the jar on his finger like a basketball.
• The group returns to the butcher's shop, and upon hearing the Supreme Chef nature, Tabitha immediately offers I Kiss Your Hand. The butcher claims Incompatible Orientation (per the NPC writeup shown off in the video, the butcher is asexual aromantic), but compliments Tabitha's accent. As it turns out Tabitha has several.
  Grant: Tabitha's never met an asexual heron before.
• Tabitha requests some delicious dogs.
  Butcher: Not the one outside, I hope.
• James notices Daffodil going towards the sausages, and then pretends Daffodil is a cricket wicket, pulling out a bat. In a Funny Background Event, Tchaikovsky plays in the background as he runs. Daffodil, of course, is completely unaware of James. Once Daffodil does notice, she leaps on James and begins licking his face.
  James: Just like my cricket teammates.
• Posy is disinterested in the willow, since it is not in bloom^note As the festival is in March, willow trees don't bloom for at least another month. She does, however, roll another 1 and misses a flower that would be good for her business.
  James: If it was my critical 1, that thing would've be trampled.
• As such, Ellen has James trod the flower, and Posy's failure was that she didn't notice. James has a spell called Patch Up, but those don't apply to flowers because Patch Up only works on non-living material.
• James casts a spell to cheer up a creature, but ruins it by not letting the creature pet Daffodil.
• James is convinced lettuce is just leaves, while sage is a specific type of leaf.
  Ellen: Let us begin with lettuce.
• Tabitha asks James to use the performance-enhancing drugs before they try to get the lettuce they require. James then wants to roll Persuade to get Daffodil to dig up the right plant. Both Ellen and James roll a Critical Hit on a contested roll. Ellen points out that dogs love to dig, but they don't do it if ordered.
• Posy harvests the sage with her beak.
  Ellen: That's fine, this is a cozy game.
• Posy seeks some water for the sage, she rolls so well she finds spa water with lemongrass and cucumber in it.
• When discussing how to make a flower out of marizpan so they can make "Daffodil Dogs", Tabitha's accent disappears completely.
• Everyone botches their roll to make it to the confectioners, and only helps because Ellen rolls poorly too. However, Tabitha hadn't rolled yet and James questions if there is a fjord-type water route to take. James can't make it in, because the door opens on a push and James is pulling.
  James: My athlete strength will solve this!
• James's antlers get caught in the ringing bell.
  James: It's a good thing I have no shame!
• Tabitha wonders how to help while James recites random facts about mudskippers.
  Ellen: The proprietor were planning on a quiet evening before opening a bar. Then a deer-man gets caught in the door.
• James gets out, but the bells are stuck in his antlers for the rest of the adventure.
  Tabitha: We tie bells in our hair and tell facts about fish. Our favorite part of the feast.
• Ellen calls for a cooking roll, which uses Wits for James. He cooks blindfolded since he's using Wits alone.
  James: A third are worse than the others. They can be load bearing in the stacks.
• Posy and James roll well and get some of their hot dogs back from the magic potluck. Tabitha gets one of the James ones, which Daffodil bites in half. Posy offers to cast her Duplicate Food spell to duplicate the half dog and make it whole: Ellen points out that she could duplicate the good one she drew.
  Posy: Let's not get carried away.
• As it turns out, some of the other townsfolk put the ruined food the group had at the start of the adventure threw in.
  Tabitha: Sometimes, life is a half-eaten muffin covered in dog hair. There's a lesson here. And I don't know what it is.

Blade Runner: Electric Dreams

• As the scene opens, Purvis is eating noodles. Purvis insists on a roll because he is trying to impress Margot.
  Margot: Is this an opposed roll?
  Mike: Are you trying not to be impressed?
• Static arrives looking for Margot. Purvis is superfluous.
• Margot is on leave, so she questions why she and Purvis are meeting. Purvis wanted to show her his noodle-eating technique
  Static: My technique is nowhere near as good as that.
• Static ends up with a success as well.
  Margot: These Replicants, what can't they do.
• Holden requests Margo (and Purvis incidentally) at the tower. And no is not an option.
  Mike: I don't think Holden was expecting you to tell her that part.
• Purvis checks his blaster right in the middle of the noodle shop.
  Static: I am going to pay for the noodles and slowly back away.
• Deckard, the Chief, is explaining the case: A Nexus-9 replicant was shot and another is missing and presumably kidnapped. There were human supremacists present, but Static finds that odd since unless the Nexus-9's told them they were replicants, they wouldn't have known. Purvis, meanwhile, feels as though he must ask an important question.
  Purvis: He was shot, right? That means it was with a firearm.
  Static: Unless it was a crossbow.
• Purvis investigates the body, and does badly on the roll.
  Mike: It's a really big hole.
• Both Static and Purvis are convinced that "antsy" means there are lots of ants around.
• Margot is rather annoyed that the beat cops have not taken witness statements. Purvis immediately asserts that they are detectives.
  Static: Very good, very forceful.
• Margot interrogates while Static stands back and watches in case things get nasty. The interrogator is fairly upfront and explains everything he was doing. And then...Static threatening pops her collar.
• Purvis, meanwhile, meets the club owner, and asks for a drink. Due to the murder, the club is not presently serving drinks. Purvis begs, he wants to look cool. He rolls Empathy/Manipulation and gets three successes, getting the best damn drink ever.
• The club owner explains there was a brawl, and then Purvis asks about a broken mirror. The club owner tries to insinuate that it shattered during the brawl, but Purvis is convinced someone extremely ugly looked at it. The club owner checks the badge to ensure it's not plastic.
• Purvis has dropped off some evidence at the lab, and uses a key memory to reroll a bad dice roll. It was a memory of a fish with the face of a man.
• Static goes to interview a journalist, who is a replicant-hater. She immediately picks up on his passive voice.
• Purvis checks out security footage from a shop rumored to sell Blade Runner weapons, the ones used in the crime scene. After rolling a massive success, he finds that Leah, the Blade Runner that went missing, bought a weapon from there. In a bright neon tote bag.
• The first night ends, and Purvis spends it practicing drawing his pistol in the mirror. The gun ends up under the sofa. The roll he gets has him spend time with a "Digi." Mike doesn't know what it is, but it sounds like a holographic girlfriend.
• Static's roll causes her key character to confront her. As it turns out, the key character was Static's first partner who went missing. Static was sworn to find her.
  Purvis: Wow, that was easy.
• Static does take a stress during this encounter...because there's noodles on her face.
• Mike clarifies that a time period in this game is several hours. So Purvis has spent several hours practicing drawing his gun in the mirror for his hologram girlfriend.
• When the group meets up the next morning, Static shares the notes she gained from her former partner that butterflies are a clue, Margot shares the knowledge that Styles, the witness, knows more than he implies. Purvis...tells us about Stacanie, his absolutely real human girlfriend.
• With Margot passed out, Purvis eagerly suggests going into Bullet Bill's pretending to be a crime duo looking for Blade Runner tech.
  Static: We are a duo already. There's only two of us.
• Static, unfortunately, Cannot Tell a Lie so Purvis has to do it by himself. It goes...very poorly. He even drops his badge.
  Purvis: Come on, trash piece! Tell me.
• Purvis heads down an interesting alleyway he saw on the security footage. Only to get caught by toughs. He claims to be taking a leak. While talking.
• Purvis gets into a fight: He rolls a Critical Failure and chucks his gun down the alley.
• After some internal bleeding, Purvis gets back into the fight when a replicant swings a pipe at him. A Critical Hit makes him catch the pipe and swing back.
• Since the shift has ended, Margot rejoins the group. She apologizes, her digi didn't wake her up. Her digi takes the form of her ex-husband.
• The team discovers that Lillith Tyrell is an important contractor, whom the replicant is going for memory wipes. Margot calls up the Wallace Corporation to talk to them, and Margot is informed Lillith is a contractor. She works at...Lillith Tyrell Memory Wipes.
• Purvis's internal injuries affect his Movement dice. Driving does not count as "movement"...but Static wonders why the badly injured Purvis was selected for driving.
• Leah, the replicant, is found going into the memory lab. Static shouts for her to stop, and naturally, Purvis calls her a trash piece. Static joins in, and this actually puts Leah off guard.
• Leah tries to explain that Lillith is evil with the memories she creates: Purvis shudders at the memory of the fish man.
• Static and Margot shoot Leah. Purvis throws his gun across the room.
• Margot rolls the dice...and shoots Leah's leg off.
• Lillith comes out of the office hearing the noise and asks what is going on.
  Purvis: Blade Runners, ma'am!
• Static and Purvis are upset by Lillith's casual indifference to the fact that Leah was experiencing trauma over and over again. Purvis points at her...while holding Leah's severed leg. Static has her weapon out, and Margot tells her that killing Lillith is not worth her career. Purvis, meanwhile, clobbers Lillith with the severed leg.
  Margot: The wet end or the dry end?
• Purvis having a moral conundrum. He resolves to go into Lillith's lab and punch her computers. Static decides she will assist.
• The chief calls for an update: Purvis wastes no time blaming Styles for attacking Lillith.
• The team decides they will side with Leah and call Styles to assist. Purvis explains that Leah's leg "just came off"
• As the story ends, Static and Purvis are saddened at learning how the world is, but they are heartened that some people care enough about replicants to help them.
  Static: Let's go get some noodles.

D&D but...Everyone is a Kobold

• The premise: as the title says, everyone is playing a kobold. Not a PC kobold, a monster kobold, with AC 11 and 5 HP. However, any time anyone dies, another kobold can just show up to replace them. Naturally, Hilarity Ensues.
• Luke sets the scene and begins to randomly generate names for the players. When he reaches Mike, he draws Zaria the Easily Discouraged.
  Mike:(looks down at table) Oh.
• The kobolds begin their day trapping rats. Kragock the Impractical grabs an impossibly large mallet to hit a rat. And rolls a "Dirty Zero", smacking Zrer the Sage upside the head.
• Zaria gets upset when he sees a light because it's going to drive all the rats away. Meanwhile, Colgrace the Opportunistic immediately collects all of Zrer's blood. since it would go to waste otherwise.
• The light comes from a druid, who has produced a flame as a torch. This druid bends down to talk to Dazdier the Enthusiastic, who happily chats to the druid. Meanwhile, Colgrace steals the druid's antler hat expertly.
  Zaria: Aww, I'm not going to win Theft of the Week, aren't I?
• As Dazdier tries to talk to the druid, the other adventurers appear, and Kragock immediately challenges a soldierly high elf named Glepnir to a duel. A few rolls later, Kragock's corpse smashes against a wall. Zaria is upset he won't get his bet back, and Colgrace immediately pops up and drags the corpse away like a trapdoor spider. Colgrace emerges now wearing a leather jerkin made of Kragock's skin.
• Colgrace attempts to steal a dagger from a halfling. He does well...but the halfling does better, drives the dagger into its ribs and kills Colgrace.
• Zrer the Sage attempts to discern if the party has bad knees.
• Colgrace is replaced by Kirk the Fun-Loving, who comes out in a Hawaiian shirt.
• The adventurers attempt to speak to the kobolds and show them a map, hoping the kobolds can show them a fast way through the warren. However, as the map is a world map, the kobolds are confused. The dragornborn sorcerer gets frustrated enough to Rage Quit and casts Ice Storm, causing a Total Party Kill. As Dakrid the Vulnerable and Dazdier fail their saving throws, they turn into shattered statues.

—Luke: (Addressing the kobolds who succeeded on their saving throws) Good news: you only take 6 hitpoints of damage.

• Jane questions if the group gets to make death saving throws. Luke counters that the group never lets the monsters make death saving throws when they aren't playing them.
• The group gets new kobolds. Mike's replacement for Zaria is Gigan the Unambitious.
  Mike: Man, I get the real losers over here.
• Johnny, meanwhile, is overjoyed to get Narka the Bland.
• Kaz the Singleminded goes to find the chill in the air: Dakrid the Healthy agrees, but insists on running with high knees.
• The dragonborn casually mentions to the halfling that they missed a few kobolds.
  Johnny: Yep, these are adventurers all right.
• The halfling pulls out a crossbow and immediately impales both Kaz and Scoker the Winning. Meanwhile, Dakrid the Healthy is doing various backflips and squats.
• Narka tells the adventurers about swimming. Luke questions if this is intended to be helpful or not. Johnny claims that it is.
  Andy: Why is everyone helping them?
  Mike: I'm umambitious, I'm not.
• As the adventurers plan is going to take them towards the kobold elder, Gitviss the Great Wyrm, Narka attempts to steer the party another way. Luke calls for a "you people have stolen from us many times" roll.
• Dakrid decides to push the high elf into the river. The elf fights back. Dakrid is able to get on top of her and while she is able to fend him off. She calls for the druid to help, and she casts Thorn Whip. However, she misses and hits the elf instead, knocking the elf and Dakrid into the river. Then, Andy rolls a Natural 20 to drown the high elf, biting her face as the halfling is unable to save her.
• Jane's new kobold, Era the Vacuous, shows up gnawing on a hunk of salt. As the druid sings a mournful song for Gelpnir, Era sings tunelessly along. The druid is very angry at the interruption, so Era decides to clobber her with the salt lick.
• The druid spits out a tooth after the successful attack and tries to explain to Era the importance of their quest. Era steals the spat-out tooth instead.
• Andy's new kobold understands the situation perfectly...and begins to sing. After all, he is Gordrum the Confused.
• The druid attempts to explain they are after a dark wizard and will be out of the kobolds hair soon enough. Narka states kobolds do not have hair.
• Meanwhile, Gigan the Unambitious tries to take the rope the adventurers are using for use in catching rats. The dragonborn notices, pulls Gigan into the river. Since Gigan is so unambitious, he makes no effort to save himself.
  Luke: Mike, you've had Gigan for so long, and you're roleplaying him so perfectly.
• Mike gets a new kobold: Shrang the Puritanical.
• After knocking off Gigan, the dragonborn attempts to swim the river. One Critical Failure later, he begins to drown.
  Narka: Can I throw him a flotation aid?
  Luke: Sure, that's nice of you.
  Mike: Is it Shrang the Puritanical?
• Narka's roll goes so badly that Narka falls into the river and is swept away.
  Shrang: Too soon to be swept away on a Tuesday.
• The dragonborn is rescued by the druid turning into an octopus. Gordrum is certain they meant to be in the river and shoves them back. He clarifies: As he is the confused, he shoves the halfling: The only one who didn't end up in the river.
• Narka and Shrang go to assist. Shrang is full of fervor and does well, but Narka does poorly and the group is short by one die roll. Gordrum rolls a dirty zero, but has advantage...he then promptly rolls another dirty zero and all of them die in the river.
• Era and Sias the Wishful, who hadn't really done anything, clamber across the ceiling to cross the river. One terrible roll later, Sias is swept away and drowns.
• New kobolds are introduced, including Bing the Private.
  Mike: I think you can get arrested doing that.
• A new kobold, Thaz the Trendy, makes his clothes look nice. So does Eraz the Prim.
• Bing the Private declares to be part of Her Majesty's army. Then immediately declares himself compromised for saying that out loud.
• Thaz the Trendy tries to get into a minecart the adventurers are arguing about. This is annoying Grak the Paternalistic, who says he'll ground Thaz. Bing is interested in its military applications.
• Meanwhile, Eraz the Prim eagerly offers tea to the adventurers. The adventurers are convinced it is the kobold's urine. One poor roll later, not helped by Grak's paternalism, the dragonborn is upset by all of the living kobolds and breathes fire. Thaz and Bing have their skin badly burned but are alive. Grak dives in front of the attack and is reduced to cinders, while Eraz pulls a Sarah Connor holding onto the fence. Thaz insists having no skin is the in look.
• The halfling gets into the rail cart...and he crashes with Thaz into the wall.
• The dragonborn, Soraglad, and the druid, Milena, pray. Bing immediately attacks. The new kobold, Keng the Modern, films on his mobile phone.
• The attack is successful. Soraglad is enraged. Despite Milena's protestations, he promptly snaps Bing's neck. Keng puts the mobile phone away.
• Ellen's new kobold, Zubrish the Dry, follows Soraglad and looks at him a judgmental way. Soraglad boots her into a chasm.
• Milena activates a mechanical bridge to help get the pair across the chasm. Grain the Well-Read looks at it and reason to get the bridge to retract as they walk across. Kaz the Unhibited is eager to assist. Keng would like to help but he is intermittently fasting. Era just stares blankly.
• This drops Soraglad to his doom, but Milena, as a druid, can wild shape into a bird. She is angered that she thorn whips Grain into two.
• Krawky the Forgiving, after watching Keng's Crossfit people maul Milena, decides the best and most forgiving thing to do is send her to her god.
• Once Milena dies, the group feasts on the adventurer's remains, reads out the names of the fallen, and were not blighted by Ratfar the evil wizard, whom the group were going to defeat.
• Gitviss the Great Wyrm crowns Era the Vacuous the new elder...then Gitviss gets swept away by a river current.

Oxventure Podcast

A Spot of Bother

• When discussing Paniers, Andy admits that as they'd used paintings that were out of copyright for NPCs he picked one for Paniers. It turns out that, unintentionally fittingly for Corazon's backstabbing first mate, and with history buff Andy apparently none the wiser, the painting used was for notorious traitor Benedict Arnold.

Quiet Riot

• A cut bit of footage reveals the Paladin interrogation briefly took a turn for the weird; the Guild thinks the Order of Keeping it Down enforces silence because too much noise will turn them into werewolves. The confused captive is bemused and keeps insisting they're not werewolves.

Spell Check

• When asked if he had been given a hint by Johnny if Egbert was going to have his kidney removed, Mike confirms he wasn't and that his shock and horror in the episode is one hundred percent genuine.

Peak Performance, Part 4

• Jane and co ask Johnny, who has guested this episode, whether they expected Prudence to try and flirt with Vex, one of the most evil NPCs in the campaign at least up to that point. Johnny, naturally, was not expecting this.

Sect Appeal

• In the pre-episode discussion, Jane admits that although the Oxventurers have been drunk before, the lockdown feeling may have gotten to them a bit and caused them to overindulge. Jane also admits that she had never imagined Prudence as a weepy, huggy drunk.

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