Funny / Our Cartoon President

• The Epstein Cold Open in Season 2.
• The Season 3 premiere:
  • The opening impeachment hearing is non-stop hilarity.
    Lester Holt: [broadcasting from NBC] I'm Lester Holt, and your aunt is now Googling "Lester Holt shirtless." This week saw the historic start of President Trump's impeachment trial, the only trial where the defendant and most of the jury are best friends. Here are the highlights!
    [cut to clips from the trial]
    Chief Justice John Roberts: Everyone, remember where you're sitting; same seats in 2 years when we have to do this again. No phones. No talking. Only drink water and milk.
    Mitt Romney: I didn't know there'd be milk here! It's been 40 years; what's one glass of milk?
    Alan Dershowitz: ...and if the President is innocent, it follows his legal team is innocent too!
    Rudy Giuliani: Too true! And might I add that you all got nothing on this President! Me? I got a lot! I got so much, my computer won't shut up about how it's out of memory!
    Elizabeth Warren: I just can't wait to tell Iowa that their favorite Harvard professor got endorsed by the New York Times!
    Amy Klobuchar: Oh, I got that endorsement, too! And if you tell one farmer, I will fucking kill you!
    Bernie Sanders: Should we be worried Joe Biden has got Iowa all to himself?
    [cut to Joe Biden alone on a stage in Iowa]
    Joe Biden: Hey, is Iowa the one where all the serial killers come from?
    [cut back to the impeachment trial]
    Bernie Sanders: Ah, we'll be fine.
    Hillary Clinton: Hi, Bernie! I just drove 4 hours from Chappaqua to tell you to eat shit!
    Bernie Sanders: You gotta talk to someone! It's not healthy!
    Rudy Giuliani: [pointing to a picture of him with Lev Parnas] That's not me! A lot of people look like me! I have a generic look! Everyone's always coming up to me asking, "Are you Rick?" I don't know Rick!
    Mitt Romney: [half a glass of milk is in front of him] This vote is a lot of pressure. Might take off the edge. [downs the glass] Mm. That is good milk. Oh, I remember this feeling.
    Chuck Schumer: This is going great! The team that best follows the rules always wins!
    Mitt Romney: [two empty glasses and one half-glass of milk are in front of him] I'm done. [Beat] Ah, once more! [finishes the glass]
    Bill Clinton: [to Donald Trump] Welcome to the impeachment club, little buddy! Isn't it crazy they always impeach ya for the least bad thing you did?
    Donald Trump: I just can't believe I have this black mark on my sterling record of making every day feel like September 12.
    John Roberts: Would the Presidents in the gallery please lower their voices?
    Bill Clinton: Sorry! I got this thing where I can't hear dorks!
    John Roberts: I'm not a dork.
    Bill Clinton: Says every dork!
    Donald Trump: HA!
    John Roberts: Don't laugh! I'm trying to fix this thing for you!
    Donald Trump: I know, I know.
    Amy Klobuchar: Why do we even need to be here? This thing's not even over yet, and look at what McConnell's wearing!
    [we see Mitch McConnell wearing an "IMPEACHMENT CHAMPIONS 2020" cap and t-shirt]
    Mitt Romney: [several empty glasses in front of him] I'm the milkman! Mitt is the milkman!
    Adam Schiff: The facts are uncontested, and yet still, I feel like I'm losing.
    Susan Collins: [disguised as a mouse and speaking in monotone] Oh no! Mouse in the chamber! Everybody forget this vote and run!
    John Roberts: Senator Collins, just go be a lobbyist.
    John Bolton: [pops up next to John Roberts] Hey, everyone! It's John Bolton, the guy who knows everything! I'll start talking and you tell me when you've got enough to convict! Okay, so Trump's on the phone with Ukraine...
    Rudy Giuliani: John, what are you doing!?
    John Bolton: It's called "selling books." You want in?
    Rudy Giuliani: Eh, wouldn't mind selling out my boss for a few bucks.
    Donald Trump: Rudy! What the hell?!
    Rudy Giuliani: What? I can't have a creative outlet?
    Mitt Romney: [now multiple empty glasses in front of him] There's something I wanna say about Barack Hussein Obama. [everyone mutters to themselves] Not that!
    John Roberts: Enough! Everyone, please remember this is the United States Senate! We must not degrade the sacred institution once home to Strom Thurmond! Let us comport ourselves with dignity, prudence, and Senator Collins, what are you doing?
    Susan Collins: [pouring gasoline on the floor] Oops! I spilled my gasoline! Better wipe it up with some strike-anywhere matches!
    [cut to Vladimir Putin watching it all unfold on TV]
    Vladimir Putin: You work and you work, and this happens, and it's all worth it!
  • Donald Trump finds out he's being impeached and asks Nancy Pelosi what gives.
    Donald Trump: The House is impeaching me without first asking me if it's okay?
    Nancy Pelosi: We're so sorry! I tried to explain that bipartisanship was more important than the rule of law, but the House wouldn't listen!
  • Elizabeth Warren finds herself struggling to connect to the common people of America, so she asks Hillary Clinton for advice.
    Elizabeth Warren: Do you think I've been sounding too smart?
    Hillary Clinton: I'm afraid so. If there's one lesson we learned in 2016, it's that I'm perfect and voters are complete morons.
• Trump takes out a Super Bowl ad... that gets intercepted by Michael Bloomberg.
  Donald Trump: [in the commercial] Every night, I talk on the phone with Jon Voight-
  [commercial is interrupted with colored bars that then switch to Bloomberg]
  Michael Bloomberg: Hello, America. Let me introduce myself because you will never meet me in person. I'm Michael Bloomberg, and I bought out Donald Trump's airtime.
  Rudy Giuliani: [watching at home] What the hell?
  Alan Dershowitz: He already had a heartbreaking Super Bowl ad!
  Donald Trump: Ah, no big deal. I got out the Voight thing.
  Michael Bloomberg: [speaking in a calm, pleasant tone] This cost me $50 million, but no price is too high when it comes to buying this election, so that's basically how this whole thing's gonna go. I'm buying this election and you can't stop me. There's nothing you people can do. I defy you to even try.
  Melania Trump: Okay, wow, he is doing it for me.
• The Democratic Debate in Nevada goes off the rails almost immediately.
  Lester Holt: Good evening! I'm Lester Holt, and after a party, you KNOW I'm gonna help clean up!
  Chuck Todd: Thank you, Lester. I'll take it form here- FROM here, obviously. First question: do you all want to answer a question, or just dog pile Michael Bloomberg?
  Warren, Sanders, Biden, Buttigieg, and Klobuchar: [in unison] Bloomberg!
  Elizabeth Warren: BLOOOOOMBEEEEERG!!!
  Chuck Todd: Wow, okay, looks like we're starting and I haven't even said the rules you're going to ignore!
  Elizabeth Warren: Mike Bloomberg epitomizes the lawless oligarchy corroding the foundations of our democracy! [audience cheers] Liz Warren's back on the map, baby!... Why do I feel like I'm already off the map?
  Joe Biden: Hey, Bloomberg! You can't buy this election! You gotta earn it like me: by keeping your eyes from rolling outta your head 'til November!
  Bernie Sanders: Hey, I'm not perfect, but at least I'm not a bloodless corporate shill posing as a humble mayor!
  Pete Buttigieg: Hey! Oh, you meant Bloomberg.
  Lester Holt: Mr. Bloomberg, what do you say to those who point to your stop-and-frisk policy as evidence of your racial bias against minorities?
  Michael Bloomberg: The point of this debate is to make me appear likable, not to discuss my undeniably racist past as mayor!
  Pete Buttigieg: Hey! Oh, you meant Bloomberg again. You know what? Just let me know when it's my turn.
  Michael Bloomberg: Since this is my first debate, and my entrance fee was $300 million, at least give me a chance to introduce myself. Ahem... [he presses a button on a remote, causing money to rain down from the ceiling onto the crowd]
  Audience member: I like the one who did the money!
  [cut to later]
  Pete Buttigieg: Listen, Amy, I may not have foreign relations experience, per se, but I have ordered juevos rancheros at brunch multiple times!
  Amy Klobuchar: Are you mocking me? Because the last guy who mocked me was Kirk Douglas, and look what happened!
  [cut to later]
  Bernie Sanders: Okay, I may own three houses, but let me assure you I do not heat them and the rugs are unbearably itchy!
  Lester Holt: And now a message from tonight's sponsor!
  Michael Bloomberg: [speaking from the debate stage] Hi, I'm Mike Bloomberg.
  Sanders, Warren, Buttigieg, and Klobuchar: Oh, come on!
  Joe Biden: Hey, Bloomberg!
  Michael Bloomberg: The best way to defeat Donald Trump is to vote for someone nominally different than him so you can feel better about yourself while the world stays exactly the same.
• Trump's rally in the aftermath of the September 2020 coronavirus bombshell is also noteworthy. Upon realizing that his fans will love him no matter what, Trump just drops all pretense and gleefully confesses to every scandalous thing he's done in 2020 thus far.
  Anderson Cooper: I'm Anderson Cooper, and this country is the once-popular jock now selling tires behind an abandoned Pizza Hut. Bob Woodward has done it again, breaking the explosive story that President Trump knew in early February about the dangers of coronavirus. Woodward's super-secret source was 18 extended interviews with the President himself. Let's listen.
  [cut to audio clips of Trump being interviewed]
  Donald Trump: Coronavirus is really serious, but I'm gonna play it down. I want people to have a smile on their face as they hack their last breath. Look, I just wanna be a cheerleader for the country. You know how cheerleaders still cheer when the top three players are hooked up to a ventilator.
  [back to Cooper]
  Anderson Cooper: Trump hit the trail to defend himself.
  [cut to Trump at a rally]
  Donald Trump: It's so nice to be here in the one part of America that's not on fire. Everything's going great, folks! Don't believe anything you see, hear, or feel deep inside! Forget about these Michael Cohen and Bob Woodward books! I'll give you the Cliffnotes: I wanted to be President again more than I wanted to stop this deadly pandemic! [audience cheers] Wow, you people will cheer for anything! Get this: I knew how bad coronavirus would be, and then lied about it 'cuz I don't give a shit about anyone not named Trump! [audience cheers]
  [cut to Joe Biden watching at home]
  Joe Biden: Jeez, I probably won't be voting for that guy!
  [back to Trump rally]
  Donald Trump: Anyway, I was going to kick this off with my law-and-order spiel, but for some reason, people aren't buying my message that I alone can clean up the shit I took on your deck — but mark my words: if Biden wins, I will not be here to stop the chaos I am constantly creating! [audience cheers] I have to admit, hearing you cheer is the weirdest part of all this. None of you people have masks! And I thought the troops died for nothing!
  [cut to Anthony Fauci watching in the White House]
  Anthony Fauci: I mean, is it worth saving everyone?
  [back to Trump]
  Donald Trump: I didn't say the soldiers were bad; I just said they were losers! I love the troops! That's why I dodged the draft — to give the troops more space to shiver in foxholes!
  [cut to a dizzy-looking Kellyanne Conway watching at home, a glass of wine in hand]
  Kellyanne Conway: Oh, I'm so glad I don't have to go on Tapper tomorrow and mop up this shit-geyser.
  [back to Trump]
  Donald Trump: I'm using your tax dollars to defend myself against rape accusations! We love it! We love it!
  Crowd: Trump! Trump! Trump!
  [cut to Kamala Harris watching in her office]
  Kamala Harris: Still a good chance a white woman will fuck this one up again.
  [back to Trump]
  Donald Trump: [walks offstage] Okay, bye-bye forever, nobodies! [cut to montage of Air Force One flying across a map of the United States; the plane is approaching the Dakotas] Dakota was the name of a girl Jeff Epstein introduced me to! Forget I said that! [the plane approaches California, which is on fire] Oh no no no no no no no! [the plane steers away from California and heads to Montana] I'm not looking these piggies in the snout! Speed round time! [cut to montage of Air Force One flying over crowds in different states as Trump shouts out to them] Drain the swamp! (...) Coming for the suburbs! (...) QAnon is real! [the plane sky-writes "Trump > Jesus" over the crowd]
  Crowd Member: Empty your airplane toilet on us!
  [back to Anderson Cooper]
  Anderson Cooper: Life with COVID is surreal, but watching crowds cheer the man who brought this hell upon us makes me feel like I'm floating through space. [Joe Biden appears via split-screen] Your thoughts, Vice President Biden?
  Joe Biden: Wow-wee! I might win this thing! This guy's eating shit harder than me at sexual harassment training!
  Anderson Cooper: Any system that produces these two candidates is clearly broken.
• Donald Trump and Joe Biden's dueling town halls predictably go off the rails...
  George Stephanopoulos: Welcome to tonight's town hall at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia. I'm George Stephanopoulos, and when I worked for Bill Clinton, he was an incorruptible angel. Tonight, somehow undecided voters will question President Trump about the issues that matter most.
  Donald Trump: Ladies and gentlemen, if you're not sure who to vote for, remember how much fun you have at horror movies!
  [cut to Biden's town hall]
  Anderson Cooper: I'm Anderson Cooper, and I've climbed K3, a secret mountain for the Uber-wealthy. I'm joined tonight by Vice President Joe Biden, who is here to address Rust Belt voters because the fate of democracy somehow depends on 14 Pennsylvania moms named Terry.
  Joe Biden: Turns out I'm America's last hope! Ain't it nuts? Hell, I'm doing great! I didn't sniff one widow's nape at the 9/11 event!
  [back to Trump]
  George Stephanopoulos: Could you have done more to stop COVID-19?
  Donald Trump: Ugh, are we still talking about COVID? That was last month's genocide! Hel-lo! You can't see the sky anymore!
  [back to Biden]
  Joe Biden: And another thing: on the trail, I'm gonna say "end climate change," but I do not mean it! I love gas engines! [makes car noises as he pretends to drive]
  [back to Trump]
  George Stephanopoulos: Why won't you acknowledge that this country has a race problem?
  Donald Trump: Hey, did you folks see Wheel of Fortune is back?
  George Stephanopoulos: Just say the words "race" and—
  Donald Trump: That man has still got it!
  [back to Biden]
  Joe Biden: [finishes making car noises] Now there's one thing President Trump and I agree on: it's these protester so-and-sos causing all sorts of ruckus—
  Kamala Harris: [quickly interrupting] While exercising their right to peaceably assemble, and that's all we have to say on that matter! Joe, there's a big lady outside who's pouring beers with her underboob!
  Joe Biden: [stands up] Quick, get me three camcorders and a lighting rig!
  [back to Trump]
  Donald Trump: How about those ICE guys? Pretty nutso, right? Sure, there are some negative Nellys who say forced sterilization is unconstitutional, but I say... [holds up the Constitution and rips it in half]
  George Stephanopoulos: Oh God! That better be from the gift shop...
  Donald Trump: Is the gift shop behind 10 inches of bulletproof glass?
  [back to Biden; he's making car noises again]
  Anderson Cooper: Joe, stop! Stop doing that! Vice Pre-Joe! Stop!
  Kamala Harris: Joe, you are not a car!
  [back to Trump]
  Donald Trump: Everyone's complaining about these hurricanes, or as I call them, free waterparks! [a hurricane comes by and destroys the roof of the building] Look, you don't change horses mid-stream, even if the stream is lava and the horse is melted down to its eye sockets!
  George Stephanopoulos: When we come back, the President blames all the nation's problems on people who are not currently the President.
• Trump and Biden have their first debate.
  Chris Wallace: Welcome to tonight's Presidential debate in Cleveland, Ohio. I'm Chris Wallace, and it used to be an honor to moderate these things. Tonight's event should go smoothly as long as the candidates resist the urge to constantly interrupt-
  Donald Trump: Excuse me, but what has Joe Biden done in 47 years? In just 47 months, I made this country completely unrecognizable!
  Joe Biden: Right now, this country is dog shit, but I can make it better like one of them cute little bunny turds!
  Chris Wallace: Mr. President, do you believe your response to the coronavirus pandemic has been adequate?
  Donald Trump: Look, we've got 200 thousand dead, which is way less than I would've predicted back in January when I knew it was coming but didn't say anything!
  Joe Biden: Way back in January, I would've delivered this clear message to the American people: "Watch out, buckos! We got a bug headed our way, so hunker down in the root cellar with your best gal 'til Fauci says Ta-Da!"
  Donald Trump: If you'd have been President, 2 million people would've died, we would've lost the space race, and Kerri Strung wouldn't have landed her Olympic gold-winning vault!
  Chris Wallace: Moving on-
  Donald Trump: No, no! I'm still talking!
  [Trump and Wallace talk over each other for a bit before Trump starts babbling as loudly as possible]
  Joe Biden: Will you shut up, man? Usually when I'm this bewildered, I figure it's me losing cognitive functions!
  Chris Wallace: Mr. President, are you willing to condemn white supremacist groups and tell them to stand down?
  Donald Trump: How can I say this in the least horrifying way possible? Stand back and stand by! I mean, await my instructions! I mean, ammo's on sale! I mean, our righteous war is nigh!
  Chris Wallace: You know what? I'm just gonna give you both the chance to shout incoherently for the next 10 seconds.
  [Biden and Trump spend the next 10 seconds shouting over each other]
  Chris Wallace: Very good. Mr. President, how do you respond to the New York Times report that you've paid virtually no income tax over the last decade?
  Donald Trump: At least I didn't get my idiot kid a job even though they have no expertise in anything!
  Ivanka Trump: [in the crowd with Eric and Don Jr.] You tell him, Daddy!
  Chris Wallace: Do you both agree to accept the results of the election?
  Donald Trump: The fact that you're even asking me that question makes me feel like I've got options! Whatever I do, it's on you, Chrissy!
  Joe Biden: Fair's fair! Winner gives the loser a consolation neck rub!
  Donald Trump: Can I just take a moment to address the folks at home?
  Chris Wallace: Actually, no. We're out of time.
  Donald Trump: America, honey, I have a confession. The only reason I asked to go steady as your President was because I was busted-ass broke, but over the last four years, I've changed. I've fallen madly in love with you and your beautiful, bewitching emoluments. So whaddya say? Will you take me back and bail me out of my $421 million debt? Please, you gotta help me! I'M DROWNING! [begins crying; Vladimir Putin walks on stage]
  Vladimir Putin: Yo, Trumpy, what's good?
  Donald Trump: Oh, hi! Hey, Putin! I'm kinda in the middle of something.
  Vladimir Putin: Relax. What are they gonna do, impeach you again? So look, I'm here to collect payment for all that off-the-books funny money.
  Donald Trump: Just take Air Force One. It's parked out back. [tosses him the keys]
  Vladimir Putin: Alright! See you in two weeks for the next installment — and hey, stop talking over Biden. It sounds like you're projecting your feelings of guilt onto him in a desperate attempt to avoid introspection. I'm not a typical voter, but, uh... I was turned off.
  Chris Wallace: That's all the time we have. I'm Chris Wallace, and I can't tell you who to vote for, but... c'mon.
• The Vice Presidential debate doesn't disappoint.
  Susan Page: From the University of Utah in Salt Lake City, I'm Susan Page of USA Today! Welcome to Vice Presidential debate which, in a matter of hours, went from "Who gives a shit?" to "Holy shit, one of these people will be President next week". Good evening, Senator Harris.
  Kamala Harris: Thank you, Susan! As if spending 90 minutes with Mike Pence wasn't already a pleasure, now it might kill me!
  Susan Page: And welcome to Vice President Pence, who has assured us he is COVID-negative.
  Mike Pence: Is negative the one where the thermometer makes the sound of a steam whistle?
  Susan Page: Mr Vice President, keeping in mind that the President is currently hopped up on more pills than a 1960s housewife do you trust his leadership in this health crisis?
  Mike Pence: Of course! As with all our nation's greatest leaders, his hands are rattling like paint mixers!
  Donald Trump: (in the Lincoln bedroom, watching the debate on TV) That's right! Everything's going great! Ask anyone except Chris Christie, Kellyanne Conway, Hope Hicks, Kayleigh McEnany, three or four Republican Senators, Stephen Miller, my campaign manager, Rudy Giuliani probably and there was one more, er-
  Melania Trump: (offscreen) I HATE YOU!
  Donald Trump: My wife, right right right right......
  Susan Page: Senator Harris, how would you describe President Trump's response to the pandemic?
  Kamala Harris: I don't want to insult a sick man but I will! Donald Trump is the dumbest motherfucker to ever cough up green shit on the Resolute desk!
  Joe Biden: (encased in a bubble, on a couch, watching the debate on TV) Woo! Get him, Kamala! Hey, Jill! If you're gonna trap me in here, can you at least bring me some freshly ground rocky road?
• Trump, despite being sick with coronavirus, holds a rally.
  Donald Trump: Oh, sure Q-Anon has inspired some shootings, but at least they've taken the brave stance of being anti-pedophilia. Anyway, can ya believe it? I'm already back on the campaign trail despite my coronavirus diagnosis and all the mini-strokes before that! By the way, you guys are standing way too far apart! I want you linked up, elbow-to-elbow like a wheezing macaroni necklace! [the crowd cheers, coughing as they do so]
  [cut to Joe Biden doing a town hall]
  Joe Biden: Hey, folks! Thanks for the polite, restrained applause! Right now, there's a President out there being totally reckless — and I'm not talking about the good kind of reckless, like chugging tobacco dip and asking the quarterback's girl to boogie to urban music!
  [back to Trump]
  Donald Trump: Don't worry, Doc says I'm immune, and he got certified in Guam! I just wanna give everyone a big, fat kiss! I won't; you people are revolting. You're more Giuliani's type.
  Rudy Giuliani: If you're interested, line up outside the out-of-order men's room from most to least resemblance to Swamp Thing.
  [back to Biden]
  Joe Biden: Everything's going eerily well for me, huh? Is anyone else getting the "Ah, shit, is this 2016 again" night sweats? Relax; Hillary was a crusty establishment centrist with no platform! I'm that but with cool sunglasses and every facial ligament removed!
  [back to Trump]
  Donald Trump: Don't led Biden fool you; Kamala's running the show. Oh sure, she and Joe have identical political and personal beliefs, but there's just something about her I don't trust. Not sure what it is... Oh yeah. Black.
  [back to Biden, who is wearing a space helmet]
  Joe Biden: Good news, folks: my campaign manager says I'm doing so well, he's sending me to space 'til Election Day! I always wondered what a green set of hooters looks like!
  [back to Trump, who is now joined by Lindsey Graham]
  Donald Trump: Let's hear it for Lindsey Graham! [audience cheers] Just when we thought he couldn't debase himself anymore, he breaks his word to steal another Supreme Court seat! At least his reelection campaign is going well!
  Lindsey Graham: [shoves Trump out of the way] I NEED HELP, GODDAMN IT! My opponent just raised a billion dollars! Refinance your house! Sell a child! Take your credit cards and text. Me. The numbers! [starts crying]
  Donald Trump: Let it out, Lindsey.
  Lindsey Graham: My beautiful lifestyle!
  Donald Trump: It's gonna be okay... Well, it's not, but y'know...
  [back to Biden]
  Joe Biden: I'm not a fan of packing the court. Is that vague enough to keep absolutely no one satisfied? Get used to it! I'm ringing that bell 'til CNN calls Florida!
  [back to Trump]
  Donald Trump: Who wants my sweaty bedsheets from Walter Reed Hospital? [fires sheets into the cheering crowd via T-shirt cannon]
  [cut to Mitch McConnell watching in his office]
  Mitch McConnell: [laughing] It's funny! Untold thousands are dead and I've got everything I ever wanted! Am I actually feeling joy for the first time? [Beat] Nope. Still dead in there.
  [back to Biden]
  Joe Biden: Folks, enough's enough! Trump's a dangerous man lining his pockets, praising white supremacists, throwing kids in cages! We can't have that guy leading our great nation anymore! There. I'm sure that basic, logical argument will resonate with all those decent-hearted Trump voters.
  [back to Trump, who is now suspended from the ceiling by a wire and hovering above the crowd]
  Donald Trump: Open those bronchial tubes and show me you love me! [starts coughing and sputtering on everyone]
  Crowd member: Infect me, Daddy!
• The last debate between Trump and Biden:
  Kristen Welker: From Nashville, Tennessee, it's the final Presidential debate. I'm Kristen Welker, the latest in a long line of female journalists the President hates more than ISIS. Tonight, I will be muting the candidates' mics during their opponents' remarks, which tells you all you need to know about one of these candidates.
  Donald Trump: Wow, isn't this great? Things are going so well for me; I'm down by 10 points and my Hail Mary's calling Lesley Stahl the C-word. The "C" stands for—
  Kristen Welker: And Vice President Biden.
  Joe Biden: Hey there, America! This is the last time you'll be seeing me in public 'til Election Day, so get a good looky-loo!
  Kristen Welker: Mr. President, as COVID cases rise nationwide, how do you plan to fight the pandemic?
  Donald Trump: Kristen, the election's in like, 3 days. I got major senioritis. Basically, I'm only thinking about the post-election trip to Six Flags!
  [cut to Anthony Fauci watching from the White House]
  Anthony Fauci: This country is a rabid dog that ran off with the shotgun that's supposed to put it out of its misery.
  [back to the debate]
  Joe Biden: I'm gonna actually listen to the scientists, especially if there's a real pretty one who puts her hair up with a pencil and then lets it down after a long night in the lab! "Look at me! Brains and beauty! Yoo-hoo!"
  Kristen Welker: President Trump, do you believe America has a systemic race problem?
  Donald Trump: No one has done more for black Americans than I have, except for Abe Lincoln, the only President I know about.
  Joe Biden: You're dang right America has a race problem, which is why I wanna take us back to the days when Barack Obama was President, and white Americans could feel fine ignoring the race problem!
  Kristen Welker: Mr. President, do you see Russia as a threat to US election integrity?
  Donald Trump: For my response, I'd like to rehash the latest Hunter Biden revelations using key words that can be cut into an attack ad: hard drive, Ukraine, criminal, not nice, bad stuff.
  Joe Biden: Hey, I'm proud of my unemployable son!
  [cut to Hunter Biden watching at home]
  Hunter Biden: Thanks, Dad. You love me so much it makes me PISSED OFF!
  [back to the debate]
  Donald Trump: I am the least racist person in this room! Kristen, I'm looking at you — I heard you say backstage that you think Italians are a little much.
  [cut to later]
  Joe Biden: When I'm President, my number 1 priority will be making windows tiny!
  Donald Trump: I knew it! [cut to later] We all know Barack Obama was about to start nuclear war with North Korea, and I had to run into the Oval Office in slow motion and scream, "NOOOOO! Think of the Children! Of which I have four or five!"
  Kristen Welker: Shit, we're almost out of time and we need to cover the biggest threat to mankind: just sum up your climate change thing in five words.
  Joe Biden: "Green New Deal, but less."
  Donald Trump: "74 years old; don't care!" [cut to later] By the way, Kristen, I respect very much the way you're handling this.
  Kristen Welker: Nope. We're not doing that.
  Donald Trump: Kristen, you're acting like a real Lesley Stahl right now! [cut to later] Enough! This whole thing is rigged! It's completely unfair that Joe is more likable than me! I'm leveling the playing field with a surprise guest who answered the phone halfway through the first ring.
  [Hillary Clinton wheels her own podium onstage]
  Hillary Clinton: Did someone say "likability problem?" Listen up, Dangerous Donald, Healthy Hillary says you better kick this Pokemon COVID in the Cardi B-hind.
  [audience groans]
  Donald Trump: Oh, that's the stuff. She's like a warm, unbearably itchy blanket.
  [Kristen Welker presses the mute buttons to no avail]
  Hillary Clinton: Kristen, you couldn't mute me if you tried! Stay strong, Ghislaine!
  Kristen Welker: That's all the time we have. Thanks for joining us, and don't forget the election is in two weeks? Holy fucking shit!
• Trump and Biden hold their last rallies before the election:
  Donald Trump: Wow, this is it, folks! Can you believe it? Four years of edge-of-your-seat fun all comes down to one day of nut-crushing terror! I haven't been this nervous since the brief moment between Jeffrey Epstein's arrest and death! I feel like I'm sitting on pins and needle dick — Freudian Slip!
  [cut to Biden's rally]
  Joe Biden: Bottom line is, my body has less vitamin D than a sock drawer! Folks, ain't it great, folks? The polls have me with a big ol' lead that for some reason we're supposed to trust this time! And if I didn't know better, I'd think somebody was setting me up! Come on out, Borax!
  [back to Trump]
  Donald Trump: Joe says COVID will bring a dark winter, and I say: great! Warming up under the covers is the best way to watch a scary movie where everyone dies!
  [back to Biden]
  Joe Biden: How many of you folks are voting via absentee ballot, huh? [applause from the crowd] Great, and how many of you are voting in-person on Election Day? [dead silence except for one guy who coughs] Cool, cool! I'm sure our honorable Supreme Court will treat all votes the same. What's it up to now? Eight Catholics and a lady who answers to "Baby Vessel?"
  [back to Trump]
  Donald Trump: My path to victory is clear: I just have to unite my vast coalition of poor and rich racists! I'm looking at you, suburban women whose biggest contribution to the Black community was renting Get Out on Prime!
  [back to Biden, now joined by Kamala Harris]
  Kamala Harris: I promise to stand by Joe's side for the next four years — but if he runs for a second term, we are going to have problems!
  [back to Trump]
  Donald Trump: [crying his eyes out] Oh my GOD, it's gonna be a BLOODBATH! He can win TEXAS! WHAT HAPPENED? Besides the Plague?
  [back to Harris]
  Kamala Harris: I'm just gonna keep going; the longer I talk, the less time Joe has to fuck it up!
  [back to Trump, now joined by Melania]
  Melania Trump: You know when you make a bad choice, but it's too late to back out so you invest your whole being into a worthless sack of shit you just know will ruin your life? Oh — forgot who I was talking to! You guys get it!
  Donald Trump: Give it up for Melania! I love her so much, and one day, I'll find out where she lives!
  [back to Biden]
  Joe Biden: Folks, Trump, COVID, folks, this is about democracy, it's about character, this is about democracy, it's about character — HELP! I'm stuck in one of those mental loops again!
  [back to Trump, who is now dressed as a magician and standing next to a trunk under a tarp]
  Donald Trump: Ladies and gentlemen, because I made a promise and my word is as good as the gold paint on my hotel toilet, I present to you... the cure for COVID-19! Hillary-dickery-dock! [he removes the tarp] I can't show it to you until after you reelect me! Magician rules, you see.
  [Eric Trump bursts out of the trunk]
  Eric Trump: [gasping for breath] Dad, Don made me drink a gallon of tomato juice and then left me in this empty box! By the way, you're gonna wanna hose this out.
  Donald Trump: This bungled sleight-of-hand is in no way a perfect metaphor for my presidency! And for my next trick, I'll be firebombing the US Postal Service! [crowd cheers] By the way, good luck catching a bus home! Hope you brought space heaters!
• The Season 3 finale with the 2020 election is gold:
  Chuck Todd: And the results are in...conclusive! I'll be live in studio until the election is called, which means Christmas came early for those of us who love to sleep in our work socks! [high-pitched shriek]
  Lester Holt: A blow to democracy, a boon to TV newscasters; but the million-dollar year-end bonus question is: when do we know who's won the election?
  Chuck Todd: My guess is sometime in the future.
  [cut to the Trumps, the Pences, and Giuliani watching in the White House]
  Donald Trump Jr.: What the ass?
  Melania Trump: Eh, it's always been kind of a lose-lose for me.
  Donald Trump: We were winning! What happened, besides adding in the cities where all the people live?
  Mike Pence: I-I-I could put the COVID-19 task force on the hunt for voter fraud; we're not really doing much else.
  Rudy Giuliani: It brings a tear to my eye. N-no, wait, that's the knockoff cologne I bought from a street vendor at 4 am on my way out of Kurt's Magic Titty Parlor.
  Eric Trump: This is awesome! It is way past my bedtime!
  [cut to the Obamas, the Bidens, and Kamala Harris watching at home]
  Barack Obama: Come on! Who do I have to drone to get some results?
  Joe Biden: Relax. I was begrudgingly elected the nominee, and I'll be begrudgingly elected President!
  Kamala Harris: Calm down, guys. We just need to win one of the states where Hillary was burned in effigy.
  Barack Obama: I'm feeling a little tense. Anybody got 10 thousand cigarettes?
  [cut to Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer in an office]
  Nancy Pelosi: [tearfully] Chuck, what does this mean for Infrastructure Week?
  Chuck Schumer: We may not know the winner, but at least we know it's not Bernie Sanders.
  [cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez watching at home]
  Chuck Todd: And the Democrats have lost at least six seats in the House. Embarrassing, and that's coming from Chuck Todd.
  Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Goddamn it, Nancy! What did you think was gonna FUCKING happen? Everybody told you this was gonna fucking happen! I called you every goddamn day telling you this was gonna fucking happen, you fu-
  [cut to Susan Collins, Lindsey Graham, and Mitch McConnell watching in the latter's office]
  Lindsey Graham: I won! Looks like dragging myself across the bathroom floor of the Republican Party, reaching into the toilet, and hugging the biggest turd in the bowl was all worth it!
  Susan Collins: That was a close one for old Susan Collins, but I knew I could do it if I stuck to my principles, whatever they may be.
  Mitch McConnell: Either I get four years of judicial appointments or four years of Congressional gridlock; either way, I'm whistling Dixie 'til God sends a big ol' thunderbolt through m' skull.
  [cut to Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, and Mark Zuckerberg watching in Bezos' living room]
  Jeff Bezos: Who did they say won? Eh, who cares? I'm gonna try to go all four years without finding out.
  Elon Musk: LMFAO AF. Okay, so who, like, wants to help me build a new, self-driving death trap?