Funny / Not Always Working

Note: Due to a restructuring of the entire NAR site network, these hyperlinks may or may not work anymore.

• "I didn't think I was supposed to put the fire out!"
• A worker reading Not Always Working (instead of working) and being glad that he doesn't have to work with anybody who gets put on there.
• “Oh no, the wind! Quick, catch them before they fall on the ground!” *quickly slides a few peaches to the customer* "I have caught them! But alas, the wind returns!” *quickly slides the money to pay for the peaches to the fruit seller*
• "VOTCH DE CAAAAAAAT!"
  • "Claw through this, b***!"
• A man pulls a light prank on a salesman.
• "Thank you for being my bulldozer."
• "Stop helping!"
• "Hi, welcome to [store]. How can I lie to you today?"
• *at a seafood shop* "Attention customers! We have crabs! And we’re just itching to sell them to you!" The other coworkers just stare at him in shock, and the manager is furious. (One hopes that was a case of Accidental Innuendo and/or That Came Out Wrong, although it's more likely that the guy was just trying to be funny.)
• The Star Wars vs. Star Trek debate is settled.
• "What kind of birth control are you using?" "...Lesbianism?"
• These stories where the employee keeps insisting they are right when they are actually wrong to the point of shouting.
  • “But we don’t do returns on underwear!”
  • "BUT SHE ORDERED A LATTE!"
• A telemarketer gets conned by a false sob story, which involves Perry the platypus leading a mob of platypi to murder the author's parents.
• Employee contributes to an onion analogy.
• A preacher applied for an auto loan. When the loan officer asked who his supervisor was, he didn't have a real answer, since he was considered self-employed. Later, he got a call from the company asking for his human resources department to confirm that "Lord God Almighty" was his supervisor.
• Is it still a scam if they tell you upfront that they are trying to steal your money?
• This story looks like something that belongs on Not Always Right... until you see who put them up to it.
• "DON'T GO IN THE BATHROOM!"
  • Another wonderful way to get rid of telemarketers.
• This coworker writes a limerick explaining why she couldn't get to work on time (flat tire due to being punctured by a rod). The submitter replies with a haiku, which leads a couple of other coworkers to submit four lines each in iambic pentameter. The CEO, not to be outdone, chips in with a full-blown sonnet. The original coworker's response to all this?
  "I pity my friends who work at 'normal' companies with 'normal' people."
• “Hello, this is [My Name]. Guess what? You’re fired. Leave the property now.”
• This guy's uncle scares off mistaken bill collectors by shouting random sentences in Arabic.
• A boss gives an employee permission to screw with debt collectors that won't stop calling for someone who has never worked there. Other coworkers join in.
• This hotel employee satisfies a guest's request for a car.
• The nurses keep bothering the author wanting to figure out where she gets her hair done.
• How on earth did this clerk assume a 12-year-old boy's 10-year-old sister could possibly be his mother?
• "Devil Finds Work For Idle Hands": What happens when customers play along.
• "Luke Skywalker, if you left your laser sword at security, please come claim it now."
• "Hey, Dad! It’s me from the future on line one. Do you want the spoilers or not?"
• Brits are just awesome:
  Telemarketer: "Hello. This is [Name] with [Company Name]. Is [Dad] available?"
  Cousin: "Yeah. He’s available."
  Telemarketer: "Oh, wonderful."
  Cousin: "Okay. Have a nice day." (hangs up)
• "But I don’t have a computer in my window."
  • "Open your Windows, please." "But they ARE open! There’s a lovely breeze as well."
• "Joe Blow is a pseudonym that my boss uses to confuse telemarketers ...and clearly it’s working."
• "Your menu’s just a bit MUFFIN MUFFIN MUFFIN MUFFIN for me." "Well, if you look on the side there, you’ll see our main menu is all BURGER BURGER BURGER BURGER."
• A series of innuendos about Virgin Mobile.
• Answer it with the whorehouse!
• "My coworker sits there staring at her desk like she’s trying to remember something very important. I can see the hamster is dying from exhaustion on the wheel."
• "If there was a chance, do you REALLY think I would tell the truth?”
• Customers really don't listen to what is said on the phone.
• Random person vouches for someone they don't even know. The Attendant doesn't bat an eyelid.
• "Tech-leaaaaaad!"
• At the very beginning of a three-hour flight:
  Pilot: (over PA) "And to all the children on board this flight: on behalf of your parents, we are nearly there and we will be nearly there for the remainder of the flight. Thank you."
• "This is not the store you are looking for."
• "But here's the thing, the customer may be the biggest g*** sack of s*** douchebag idiot out there, but we want to take his money from him. So we let him THINK he’s right. If he says he’s the f*** king of France, what do you say to him?” "May I clear those plates, your majesty?" "You're going to do fine!"
• This "conversation" between an animal shelter worker and a dog.
  • What's great is that the worker's exchange with the supervisor sounds like something out of a TV show:
    Supervisor: Were you... howling at that dog?
    Employee: No! Of course not! That would be weird.
• "The sun ISN’T some magic ball of life giving heat. The sun is the eye of a malevolent God. It gazes down upon us like a physical presence, weighing us down and making everything worse. It makes us cold in the winter, it makes us hot in the summer, it blinds us as we drive, and agitates the air around us making the air thicker and unpleasant.”
• "Um... we'll call you when your tile's ready."
• Black Firefighter Comedy.
• This facility has a sign admonishing the workers to clean up, because "your mommy doesn't work here". After one new employee turns out to be the son of a longtime worker (and therefore, said employee's mommy does work there), the sign is changed....
• When a move request goes awry, the worker who has to clear up the issue resolves part of it in a rather clever way (because the obvious way won't work). A few days later, the customer gets a survey request asking for Lord Voldemort...
• The last line makes the whole thing.
• "'Dirty Dan's House of Hookers,' you got the dough and we got the blow!"
• "Hi, this is Mary from--" "Oh, hello, Mary! How's the baby? Did you ever find out who the father was?"
• "No, ma'am, the windows on your computer." "You mean the one that's not on?"
• A trio of employees make a "box of stupid" to play a trick on anybody who would want to steal from the store - and catch a big fish on this bait.
• The narrator, the employee of the story, texted his boss when he as approaching the conference they both attended. Unfortunately he accidentally texted his office phone, rather than his cellphone, and the office phone had a text-to-speech feature. Meaning that the receptionist got a series of robot-voiced calls, describing how someone is constantly getting closer, with no other context...
• Behold, the best worst hold music in the world!
• This manager, who has a Running Gag of using a random middle name when addressing his employees over the PA, accidentally uses an employee's actual middle name.
• This story depicts a rather strange and inappropriate way to complain about being inexplicably barred access to your schedule.
• The most convenient fart ever.
• "I'm telling you, I will be the best manager ever!" Said by a woman whose best "qualities" according to her (screaming at and firing people) are exactly what got her fired from her last job (and, unsurprisingly, kept her from getting this job too).
• "For whatever reason, our corporate office sent us a life-sized statue of a sheep."
• "I have a home security system. He's a German Shepherd."
• Just the fact that, when this story was published, pretty much all the commenters had the same reaction: "Stephen, is that you?" It was.
  • And again...
    Stephen's comment: As soon as I saw the title, I thought "oooh... puns!"... It didn't twig that it was MINE until the second paragraph.
  • And another one!
  • And again. (And since the man himself has noticed these getting added here: hi, Stephen.)
• A man's spouse calls him during work hours because they are shopping for a snorkeling mask and need to know the size of something on his face. Because he needs both a ruler and a mirror for the task, he borrows a ruler from a secretary and goes into a nearby bathroom. He then comes out, has an exchange with his spouse in which the measured size is repeated several times and turns out to have been measured from the wrong place, goes back into the bathroom with the ruler, comes back out, tells his spouse the correct size and puts the ruler back on the desk of the secretary, who, judging by her shocked look, apparently got the wrong idea about what was being measured.
• This submitter is asexual, but chose not to identify as such when prompted on their employee profile - they note with amusement that this means said profile includes the text "Sexual orientation: No.", and make a joke about "defining myself as a nothankyousexual".
• Someone who is currently an intern wins a DVD for a movie called, of all things, "Employee of the month" at a raffle.
• When a train's trolley service is out of basically everything and the customer is willing to have any sort of snack, you get a remake of the Monty Python cheese shop sketch.
• Service worker stuck in an autopilot loop? Just say something completely bizarre like "For high tea, I like to grab the bean berries off of my turkey bushes before the surfboards see them."
• A man helps his friend get used to the night shift as a receptionist at this hotel:
  "Now see, my situation is that my wife got herself reincarnated as one of those howler monkeys. And now we’re goin’ on vacation, me and my wife, and I was wonderin’ if you could accommodate us, seein’ as how she’s a howler monkey?”