Funny / Not Always Right

For moments from Not Always Working, see here.

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Not Always Right

• A grumpy, short teen boy dressed as a pimp walks in and claims he doesn't need ID. When the submitter digs their heels in, he hands over an ID that's described as obviously fake. Thus, the submitter says, "If you’re gonna use a fake ID, get someone who can at least spell Ontario.” Also, the cop is referred to as "Officer Cool Guy".
• Will the King of Sparta please come to the front desk? A customer demands that the cashier, and even the submitter who's the manager, give him a hammer that they don't have (insisting that they're lying to save money). The manager literally drags out the customer while quoting the "this is Sparta" meme.
• When being Sarcasm-Blind reaches new heights. The submitter, when a woman insists on buying something that's sold out, claims to be able to Time Travel as an Ask a Stupid Question... response, but she believes him.
• (Little Red Riding) In Da 'Hood. Most adorable "gangster" ever. A little girl shows up talking in gangster slang and wanting to read crime novels.
• A teen tries to rob a pharmacy, but OP just points him to where the pharmacy is, (and cue the stunned teen saying "Oh.. okay.") and not being worried in the slightest because cue the new 35 yr old, boxer technician chasing them out.
  OP: "Doug started working today."
• A customer walks in and sincerely expects a little girl of one, who's playing with the register, to be able to take their sandwich order. The one-year-old then says, ":Cheese?:.
• A customer goes to the vet, insisting that their cat has acne and they need to buy her some acne cream. The customer shows the lumps on the cat, and the vet says, "Those aren't acne. "Those are nipples." The title is "They're Not Zits, but They Rhyme with Them".
• A customer wants to buy a bird he found outside, thinking it was one of the birds the pet store sold. The shopkeeper tells him that the bird is wild, then adds, "But congratulations, because I can’t imagine it was a simple task.”
• An old lady insists on buying an Xbox 360, not listening to reason upon being told they're sold out and the one on display is just a display. The submitter asks the little boy she's with if she's always like this, and he replies, "Yes, and if she would listen I wanted a PS2!"
• A man takes a bite out of an apple to check that it isn't mealy like other apples he bought, but freaks out and refuses to pay upon hearing that the apples are unwashed, claiming they'd give him "dysentery". Then, another customer says, "Someone should tell him 'You have died of dysentery.'"
• One customer gets so angry at being told he has to pay before they can open his account, that he says, "I'm coming around there, and I'm gonna eat you!"
• A woman walks into a cafe and orders a coffee, but before paying, she goes behind the counter, washes her hands, leaves the building, comes back, and asks how much she owes. She willingly pays, then asks, "So, what just happened?"
• Symphony in Underage Minor. A woman enters a music store that offers lessons, and genuinely asks to buy a girl practicing the piano so she can teach her son. The girl responds, "Lady, you must be really desperate if you're looking for a hooker in a music store!".
• A woman sees the submitter, a twelve-year-old girl, with her three-year-old cousin. The woman thinks the boy is the girl's son, claiming that he looks just like a male version of her, despite the fact that her hair is dark and curly and his is straight and blond. No matter what the girl says, the woman insists they look alike, eventually shouting, "EXACTLY!".
• When this customer asks, "What's the cheapest thing you got in here?", the bartender says, "YOU!".
• We Have No Power, Starring Samuel L. Jackson. A woman enters a cinema during a power outage and doesn't seem to understand that they don't have electricity, thinking that We Don't Have Electricity, No Movies are Showing Today, and We Have No Power are movie titles.
• The submitter sells Mountain Dew to a couple, referring to it as a "large Dew". The husband thinks the submitter called him a Jew and seems offended, despite his wife telling him he is a Jew. Then, when the submitter clarifies they meant a large Mountain Dew, the man says that he's never been to the mountains, then beats his chest and says, "I AM THE LARGE MOUNTAIN JEW!"
• This customer who says, "Woo-hoo!" whenever he hears the price.
• When a rude customer tells a receptionist to "go fuck [her]self", she says she will do just that and leaves. She then says to the manager, "Is he gone", and they reply, "Yes, are you finished?"
• Someone enters saying, "Do any of y'all speak American?" The submitter jokingly says, "I'm sorry, but we can only speak English" ... and the customer apologises and leaves.
• Walk like a customer! A customer mistakes another one for an employee, claiming that they walk like one.
• A guy tries to buy a lot of peaches, seemingly not understanding why the cashier needs to find the barcode and simply reiterating that they're peaches. He then angrily throws the bag, spilling the peaches, and leaves. A coworker says, "Aha, so you met the peaches guy!"
• Se Habla Japañol A customer asks the submitter if they speak Spanish, and when they reveal they only speak English and Japanese, the customer turns out to be able to speak Japanese too and they have a conversation in it.
• Two customers don't understand how escalators work in a power cut, thinking they speed up. One of them says, "The escalator loses power and then woosh!"
• A guy wearing mismatched clothes and a fanny pack, and who appears to be high, enters and orders monkey brains, mermaid, and pot. The sumitter humours him but pretends they've sold out. Then, the manager says, "D***! I missed Fanny Pack Guy?!"
• Someone asks if the "tiger fur" is real. Upon being told it's made of polyester, they reply, “Tigers are made of polyester?”
• The pen is mightier than the brain A customer misunderstands "right click" as "write, 'click'".
• All of the Freudian Slip examples on the main page.
• When trying to find out why a customer's keypad keeps saying, "low battery" even when charged, the customer then adds, “Oh, okay. By the way, my keypad seems to be on fire. Is that a bad thing?” Then, when the submitter says that it is bad, and she must call the fire department, the customer says that he doesn't think that's necessary.
• Where DID this woman go to school? She thinks her shadow is a person, then when told what a shadow is, thinks it's like a fairy.
• A very religious customer freaks out when she hears that the price is $6.66. When she leaves, another customer jokes, "Tell me, do you get any extra brimstone with that deal?"
• The customer who takes "flip off" the wrong way and says, You said flipping off the modem would probably fix it! I've been giving it the middle finger for 30 seconds now and nothing's happening!
• A man rings the credit card department, wanting to pay his auto loan. When they offer to give him the number so he can call the next day, he tries to pretend he's donating a kidney and won't be able to speak for three weeks, then changes it to brain surgery upon learning kidney donors can speak while in recovery. When he asks for the branch to call them, and the submitter points out that he's not supposed to be able to speak, he replies, "Well, I can nod at the phone..."
• Someone calls, asking if Xboxes come with cup holders, while someone in the background yells, "IT'S ON FIRE!!"
• When a talking WALL•E cutout says, "Ooooooooh.", a woman insists it said, "Moo" instead and was making fun of her for being fat.
• Watch him not open it. A customer locked their key in their car, so the submitter offers to open it, but the customer doesn't want him to touch the car, worried he'll dirty or scratch it. He then says, "Watch me not open it".
• No, all those kids are not hers. A woman enters with six whiny children and responds in the negative when asked if they're all hers.
• Wrong God, ma'am. A woman hates Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood and Halo: Reach, thinking they're anti-religion, then she tries to buy God of War III just for having "God" in the title.
• He really wants those shirts. Two men in Star Wars cosplay want to buy three T-shirts, but are only allowed to buy two, then one of them brandishes his toy lightsaber and says, "How about now?!".
• "I'm looking for my favorite kind of nuts." Donuts.
• "This iMac didn't come with a monitor", which confuses the tech-support guy. See the answer.
• "Ees blue, and blue on de teeng!!" A woman with a heavy accent calls an IT support person, but she refuses to specify what exactly turned blue, only saying, "the thing" no matter how many times she's asked to specify.
  • Then, some higher-level support guys create an "internal troubleshooting document", that says,

    (ENGINEER) PROBLEM ALMOST RECREATED. THING RED.

• Teri-yucky! A customer gets angry and demands something other than teriyaki... at a teriyaki restaurant.
• When some teenage girls ask for marshmallows only to find them sold out, the submitter's coworker says, "It's time. Get out your key." They then proceed to mock the girls by pretending they have a secret marshmallow stash.
• A customer asks, "How much for my daughter?", claiming she needs "training". Then, it turns out that they wanted to take her to a driving school, but accidentally took her to a place that makes adult websites.
• Some Chinese customers decide to "return the favor" to Jews on Christmas. Doubles as Heartwarming.
• Just about any story where a little kid inadvertently exposes their parents' scam by being truthful can count (and make you go "aww" at their innocence).
• A woman calls a local library, claiming that "the Mormons are giving electric shocks to my genitals through my windows!”. That in itself is pretty funny due to how incredibly bizarre that sounds, but what makes it even better is that one of the librarians, who happens to be a Mormon himself, deadpans that he and the other Mormons are indeed shocking her genitals.
• This customer asks, "Do you believe in unicorns?" and puts his ice cream cone on his head to resemble a unicorn horn.
  • Why, yes, yes I do believe in unicorns. An old lady, upon hearing that a man is gay, claims that gay people don't exist and starts calling the man and his fiance unicorns.
• A man asks his friend to order his drink for him while he's in the bathroom, and when he comes back, the cashier says, "FRAPPE FOR BATMAN!", revealing she gave that as her friend's name.
• A little boy named Jeff in a Batman suit insists on being called "the Batman" and looking stern. He then says, while drinking his chocolate milk, "Gotham is safe."
• The submitter's coworker tells them to ask the next person how his mother is doing. So, they ask, "Hey, how's your mom doing?", and he yells that she's in jail, pulls down his pants, shakes his butt at them, and leaves.
• This manager pulls off a Funny Moment and a Moment of Awesome at the same time after a customer tells everybody in the store they are going to Hell. "Welcome to Hell Mart!"
• A woman threatens to abandon her little daughter, who's throwing a tantrum. The submitter's coworker tricks the girl into obeying her mother by saying, "My mom left me here five years ago!"
• "Easter is egg-citing!" A man unicycles into a store in an Easter Bunny costume.
• We'll all dance naked in the parking lot until dawn. And then a stockboy stepped out of the back room while taking off his shirt.
• A middle-aged woman keeps telling a young cashier that she should read Fifty Shades Darker, then ends her rant on "One more thing: Do you know where I could get some batteries?"
• Sometimes, a big lie is better than a small one. A customer insists the worker is lying when they claim they don't need to dress warmly when working in a cooler, so they humour them by pretending they used to live in an igloo.
• A little girl, excited upon getting a free bagel after dropping her old one, starts yelling, "BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!" Then, her mother, the submitter, their coworker, and even the coworker's boss (who was previously described as very strict and formal) join in.
• What happens when a racist fails his spot check. A man yells at the submitter and others, berating them for supposedly being Mexican... at the Scottish Highland Games.
• A Civil War reenactor stops at a computer store, where a man insists that by refusing to sell an outdated part, the workers are trying to trick him into buying a computer. Then, the reenactor says to the employee, "I'm sorry, does this mean you can't help me fix my telegraph?"
• You almost feel sorry for this identity thief. Almost. He rings an online store, but the manager finds out that his orders were fraudulent and snarks that he's glad the scammer doesn't feel guilty. The manager then sweet-talks the scammer into turning himself in.
• "Is there such thing as, like, bat-heroin??"
• The Chinese have special powers. A vendor and a young boy, both Chinese, made a deal to pretend that Chinese people have superpowers as a way of protecting the boy, an immigrant who previously got bullied for being small, from bullies.
• This worker shouts, "STRUN BAH QO!" and pretends that's how you get the lights to work.
• After a customer acknowledges that she's in a bad mood, but decides to leave instead of yelling, the submitter says, “I can’t believe she didn’t yell at me! She just recognized that she was upset and left. This has never happened before!”
• This theme park guest doesn't know why it's called Walt Disney world if he's dead, then says, "Hey, if Bob Iger is head of the company, why isn't this place called Bob Igerworld?"
• This customer walks into a carwash and says, "I just really need to get my car sodomized."
• This person, upon being asked,"Aren’t you a little too young to be wearing that? Do you even know who Gary Coleman is?", replies "Whatchoo talkin' bout?" (which is a line said by Coleman's character on Different Strokes).
• Cheese Man. A customer is impressed by a store worker almost perfectly measuring a pound of cheese and thinks he must have superpowers, so he goes along with it and pretends to be a cheese-themed superhero from another planet.
  "Ma'am, please don’t give away my secret identity. The cheese villains of the world would hunt me down.”
• This customer, upon hearing that the ride has "dinosaurs attacking you", says, "Real dinosaurs?"
• Anything in the "A New Dimension Of Stupidity" series, but Part 4 and Part 5 stand out.
• These guests ask, "Does it go upside-down?" about first a special effects show, and then a restaurant.
• A man yells, "MAYBE IT'S FOR THE KIDS TOO!" as a response to finding out a video store doesn't sell porn.
• This woman, after being told that Madagascar is a country, not the name of an animal, yells, "Don't lie to me! I've seen the movie!"
• This old man keeps saying, "Oh, you're a bus stop!" to the submitter, then when another woman tells him she isn't, he just stares in confusion.
• "How old is your son, anyway?" "26." And yet he can't play with a toy designed for teens!
• When a woman flips out about a man letting his four-year-old daughter touch a lobster (with the seller's permission), claiming touching animals is germy, and then runs out of the store, the girl asks, "Daddy, is that lady crazy?"
• One person calls a restraurant, asking, "Is this the Krusty Krab?" The store owner gets the reference and replies, "No, this is Patrick."
• When some kids get told they can't buy a game because it's "mature-rated", one of them yells, "YOUR MOM IS A MATURE RATED GAME!"
• This woman yells, "Get in the f*cking car! This is f*cking embarrassing!" after her husband throws a big hissy fit and demands to be let into the store.
• This waiter gets asked by a customer if he secretly prefers white people to other ethnicities. He replies that he's half-Native American and says, "In my tribe I am known as 'Ejects Bigoted Asshole from Premises'." (Also a Moment of Awesome as he did in fact, proceed to eject the bigoted asshole from the premises.)
• This woman gets angry at having to wait for the meat slicer, and when told that the cheese slicer can't be used for meat in case of cross-contamination, she claims that if someone died from that, God wanted it. Then, the submitter says, "And I’m going to ask you to please lower your voice and not tell them that God wants them to die, or I’ll have to call my manager over." (Shortly thereafter, it becomes Heartwarming.)
• Sometimes, watching a customer lose it is pretty funny.
  Indecisive Customer: (at a fried chicken restaurant) Hmm… wait, what if I don’t want chicken for lunch?
  Customer Somewhere In The Back: WELL, YOU’RE IN THE WRONG F***G RESTAURANT, AREN’T YOU?! STOP HOLDING UP THE LINE!
• "S***!" "I’m sorry, sir; we don’t serve that here." "If I wanted that, I'd go to [competitor]!"
• One wonders what toppings were on those. A man enters a pizzeria in a Dracula costume, speaking in Vampire Vords.
• A dishwasher accidentally falls on a little boy's leg and is mistaken for having tried to kill him. Later, the owner jokingly says, "We usually go for crippling moves, not killing ones."
• These kids going through a drive-thru in an imaginary car and their I Reject Your Reality moment.
• This is how all book stores should handle Twilight. The bookstore employees hated the series so much that they hid the books.
• “Turn on my phone or you can take it and shove it up your a**!!!” “I’m sorry sir. We don’t have service in that area.”
• A customer mentions that a song would make great spooning music... and then he and his granddaughter pull out some spoons and play along with the song.
• What about this employee made them so scary to some boys? They seemingly found the employee's ring scary, but not even the employee knows why.
• A scam that was so horribly botched it left the employees wondering if it was staged.
• Well, this is one way to settle who gets the last game. They do it by arm-wrestling.
• These customers not only don't understand Roman numerals, but one of them even asks, "What's midnight?"
• This baker's "reaction" on discovering the customer he just met isn't just a Buffy fan but also a Twilight fan. He literally freezes up.
  • What makes it funnier is that when she says the word opposite-y, he concludes that she "picked it up from Meyer".
• Upon catching a woman breastfeeding, the submitter says, “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but we don’t allow open-drink containers in the library.”
• A little kid tries to order an infomercial product over the phone. She claims to be a hundred years old when asked for her age.
• A female customer claims that a store is cursed and attracts demons. Hearing this, a younger woman decides to run with the idea, pretending to be a demon, rotted deer mask and all. The first customer falls for it hook, line, and sinker.
• This customer says, "All those poor Jedi..." upon being told there's an order 66.
• When a man gets angry that the cashier misheard his request for "Snickers" as "sneakers", another customer says, "I didn’t understand him at first. I thought he was asking for a d*** pair of shoes!"
• Either this woman's been living under a rock for years, or time travel really does exist. She doesn't know what a DVD is.
• “I said, you can F*** ME!” “I’m sorry. I can’t do that over the phone. You’ll have to come into the store. Or perhaps you’d like to involve my husband for a threesome?”
• This woman, upon being told to "clean" (i.e. defrag) her computer, puts it in the dishwasher. When the submitter is shocked, she replies, “Well, it was too big to put in the sink.”
• These two stories involving customers who mistakenly had their computers upside down
• This woman repeatedly refuses the clerk's offer on the basis that said clerk is a girl, and blames her for her own mistakes. Let's just say that she causes her own Laser-Guided Karma via putting the (wrong kind of) motor oil in the radiator.
• This agent, upon getting a customer who's confused just as a result of being asked their name, says, "This isn’t working, how about we just end the call now? Get someone that speaks English since the rest of the questions I will have for you are just going to get harder."
• One customer asks for a "BL" because they don't like "T", then asks for an iced tea. The submitter jokes, “I thought you didn’t like T.” “Oh, right. Well, then… get me a glass of iced ea.”
• When a woman sees that this receptionist is in a wheelchair and assumes something happened to him, she eventually mishears "give it a shot" as him saying he was shot. He jokingly goes along with it, then another guest says, "I’m gonna leave you guys a great review online. I wasn't expecting a complimentary comedy show when I made my reservation."
• This woman says, "I'm a raging dykeasaurus.", when she tells a lesbian couple to stop being lewd in public and they accuse her of being homophobic.
• This man, upon being told not to consume anything but water to prep for surgery, jokes, "Oh, I never drink water. It makes me rust!" and walks off squeaking.
• When this customer tries to flirt with the submitter by asking, "Did it hurt when you fell down from Heaven?", she responds, “What are you talking about? I clawed my way up from Hell.”
• This self-referential story. Especially funny for Tropers. The characters say parody dialogue like "Hi, I'm every customer ever".
• "I am Groot." A bunch of customers come in making superhero comic references.
• A man insults a woman's dog for being dumb and claims that she owns a dumb dog because she's a woman. But when he says, "Shake!", the dog raises his paw... into the man's crotch!
• This customer gets angry that his avocados are on the "wrong" side of his salad. When the submitter turns his salad around, he yells, "WELL, NOW ALL I HAVE IS A BACKWARDS SALAD!"
• "Aye. I took a shit in a pint glass." "Yeah, I'd say you're still barred."
• In order to make sure the workers don't put lemons with his water without becoming "that customer" in the process, this customer asks for "no fruits or vegetables". It normally works, but then a waitress turns the tables....
• In this story, a customer ignores an ICEE machine's instructions to put the lid on the cup before dispensing. Predictably, the idiot ends up covered in ICEE, and then another customer, the submitter, shows him up by successfully dispensing a (second) ICEE just by putting a lid on, all while mocking the glaring mistake he made.
• This customer yells, "THEY'RE BREEDING!" as he keeps finding more and more pence.
• This manager says, “Hi. Welcome to [Shop].” after the customer barges in when they're on the toilet.
• When a customer refuses to take their cats to the boarding kennel, claiming the boarding kennel has "bacteria" and "penguins", the manager says, “I just went down to the e-coli farm for some sea ice. Want some?” "WELL, I NEVER!"
• These customers, plus the workers, said, "Eight bags of mulch!" perhaps a few too many times.
• This person says, "That'll be forty-seven dollars." and the customer says, "Awesome!", referencing a movie.
• Not only was the customer in this one completely ridiculous, but if you scroll down to the comments, you'll see that it actually stumped veteran Troll Negative Nancy/Cynical Cynthia!
  • Taken up to eleven here, where it stumped the editors!
• An annoying telemarketer gets owned big time by the OP's one-year-old son. She insists on speaking to him even after being told his age, and so when the father relents, the baby screams into the phone.
• Across every NA site, the restructuring of the site has broken every image submission. Several months later, there has been no sign of them being fixed, which has resulted in some snarky comments.
• Wanting to reduce the number of drunken fights in their bar and noticing that many of them have happened between supporters of rival sports teams, a bar owner makes new rules about wearing hats with team logos in the late evening: either take the hat off while staying in the bar or cover the logo with a piece of duct tape provided by the owner. The duct tape is Hello Kitty print.
• In this story, a teenage girl panics over the status of the pictures on her newly-repaired laptop and demands to see them as proof they weren't erased, causing the submitter to accidentally stumble on one she should have kept off-computer or made an effort to hide. Cue total and utter self-inflicted embarrassment and the prospect of a humiliating discussion with her likely miffed but hopefully understanding dad. And somehow, the submitter dancing around the nature of the picture in question makes this incident even funnier.
• Turns out it's not just teenagers that order pay-per-view behind the parents' backs.
• This OP orders a pizza and answers the door early when the pizza guy arrives, causing the poor pizza guy to accidentally knock on the OP's face instead of the door.
• The crazy customer demanding a sold out toy for her son in this story is thwarted by another customer whom the original poster calls "an undercover police officer." One of the commenters thinks they must have meant "off duty," since "undercover" would imply a briefing like this took place:
  "We're sending you undercover."
  "What'll it be? Infiltrating violent gangs? Joining extremist, far-right groups?"
  "Worse. Entitled parents in toy stores."
  "Oh, good God..."
• This guy is convinced that him constantly hitting things with his car is a "manufacturing defect" because the car is "too low"
• In this story, a parrot is in a veterinary practice for observation. It seems this particular bird has learned to perfectly imitate the Samsung message alert whistle and makes the sound every 10 to 20 seconds. After two days of this, the employees are close to killing the bird just to make it stop.
• These two really can't believe they ended up in Canada.
• This story reads like a Black Comedy twist on the usual "customer pretends to be related to the owner" story. Not only does the customer try the trick on the store owner's actual child over the phone, but she chooses a false identity that results in unwitting Dead Person Impersonation. The owner's child refuses to put the customer through to their father, but the customer is oblivious enough about her lie not working to show up at the store and ask the owner to fire their child for rudeness. The reaction of the father, who has been told about the call in the meantime, is priceless:
  Father: CAROL, GET BACK IN YOUR COFFIN!
• When a teenage boy Prank Calls a video game store, claiming he got his penis stuck in the disk tray, the OP says that they don't recommend inserting "small objects". He responds, "It's not small!"
• A rude theater customer wants to see a movie about "miserable lesbians" - it turns out he's a malaproper and he's referring to Les Misérables (2012). Better yet, the submitter is a lesbian herself, and she quips that it sounds like a movie of her life story.
• A young man already nervous about buying his first pack of condoms gets pressured into putting them back by a Think of the Children! mother who happens to be shopping with her young son in the same store. His response: buying whipped cream and cherries instead. It turns out to be the better idea in the long run because he's able to use them to make cake after he ends up not having sex that night.
• A woman selling her own handcrafted items at a market is almost out of stock on one of her most popular items, resulting in her not having it in a customer's preferred color. The customer, who doesn't understand that the stall works nothing like a chain supermarket, thinks she can get the seller fired for not showing her non-existent "from the back" items by calling the number on the seller's card. The customer makes the call on the spot and gets to witness the seller answering her own phone.
• This guy says, "Sorry I missed my appointment yesterday. I was dead" after he's late due to needing emergency resuscitation.
• This husband accidentally gets his wife's favorite spoon damaged by dropping in down the garbage disposal and needs to buy a replacement. The employee at the store guesses exactly what happened because the husband's situation is surprisingly common.
• "“Those lamb chops we have in the meat section, are they beef lamb chops or pork lamb chops?”
  • And then the manager's reaction after the employee fills him in:
    Manager: Thank you for not making me talk to her.
• A young woman responds to the typical Mistaken for Servant scenario found on the site by pretending to mistake the other customer for an employee of the store. The other customer unfortunately doesn't take the hint despite this, causing the situation devolve into Copycat Mockery until a manager from the store gets involved.
• In another Mistaken for Servant story, this couple thinks an elderly woman (noted by her spouse to not take crap from anybody) is the maître de and repeatedly ask her to take them to their seat no matter how many times she tells them she doesn't work there. Finally, the woman throws up her hands and tells the couple to follow her...whereupon she leads them in a circle around the restaurant, back to the entrance, and points at the waiting bench.
  "I don’t work here, you moron. You wanted me to seat you, so sit the eff down!"
• An Obnoxious Entitled Housewife is kicked out of a store for screaming at the manager over an out-of-stock item, and is too busy threatening to call corporate and pulling the "I know the manager" card to notice the door opening too slowly to let her through. The result is her slamming into the door. Twice in a row, because she's too unhinged to realise what's happened.
  Customer: Open! Open! You f*** c**t, open!
• This customer has a fake coupon for a free iPad. According to the fine print, it's guaranteed by Bill Gates (the founder and former owner of the company the one making iProducts is competing against, for those unaware) in person.
• A library, while awaiting renovations, needs to keep one half of a set of double doors locked in place, while the still-working door only opens in one direction. Since the story is on the site in the first place, one can guess how often patrons insist on some combination of trying to use the locked door and trying to open the working one in the wrong direction, despite the presence of signs and the narrator giving them instructions. The narrator starts interally wondering if the renovation will include fixing the patrons, as well.
• A man with a lot of hair pulls a hair out of his food right as a waitress is passing by, resulting in her assuming the worst and immediately starting to apologize. The man, who knows full well that it's one of his own hairs, responds in the most priceless way:
  "No, it’s okay, this is mine. I keep them numbered just for such occasions...this is 18537.
• This couple, who is discussing payment methods via a chat thread with a plumber they know well, has one half accidentally call a debit card a "bidet" card twice in a row. Once the discussion on payment methods is done, the plumber is asked to guess what they are considering adding to their bathroom and guesses correctly.
• This poor submitter shouting at a pair of house-hunting ducks that the neighbourhood is terrible.
• This woman is apparently convinced that a couple of foxes are about to eat bystanders – a couple of baby foxes.
• A guy calls up a funeral home clearly thinking he's calling a very different establishment:
  "I’m sorry, sir. We only handle one type of stiff here."
• A company making a flyer for its company retreat turns out to need to get a typo fixed before sending it to print. Someone accidentally wrote "steak room" instead of "steam room." The company makes vegan food and the client's initial reaction to being told a typo was found was claiming it was intentional.
• This bookstore was harassed by proselyte preachers, and corporate prevented the workers to ban them. One new employee, described by the submitter as a geek, then shows up wearing robes, a mask, carrying pamphlets about the tenets of various fictional religions (from various Eastern RPG video games), and starts proselyting the various preachers. Once they get the hint and try to go when the guy isn't working, another employee replaces him with the stack of pamphlets and her own disguise. The story concludes by stating there were no preacher's visit for the last five months, but the bag of faux-religious pamphlets is still "sitting behind the front desk, just in case". Doubles as awesome for obvious reasons.
• A group of old ladies go to a store to buy snacks stoned out of their minds on the Fourth of July. They later return to the store, wondering if said trip was a dream, only to be reminded it did happen after all. The kicker is this final quote from one of the old ladies.
  “Word to the wise, young man. If your punk-ass grandson’s girlfriend brings brownies to the holiday BBQ, find out if she’s a damn hippie before you eat two pieces!”
• This manager, who hails from the UK, defeats an entitled woman via simply not giving her the reaction that she wants and pretty much directly telling her that he doesn't care about her entitled demands. He then turns to the submitter, who can only respond with:
  "Welcome to America!"
• This man makes a beet smoothie without putting a lid on the mixer, with predictable consequences. His first reflex is to call the store that sells the mixer to get instructions to clean up the mess before his currently-absent wife returns. Of course, the wife proceeds to return while he's still on the call and spends the rest of the story reacting to the state of the kitchen. In the process, she reveals that the mixture ended up on the ceiling, the couple's cats (yes, plural cats) and their baby.
• The ending to this story:
  (I have never been so happy to transfer a caller. I logged the call, and later that day received an internal office email from some rep in another part of the state. All it said was “WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?”)

Not Always Romantic

• Not the answer he was expecting... A fiance teases his fiancee for forgetting to put her engagement ring back on by saying, "Will you marry me again?". She replies, "Oh, crap!" because she was disappointed she forgot, and he jokes that it wasn't the answer he wanted.
• This guy doesn't quite understand the meaning of the word "lesbian". Hilariously enough, he calls himself one after learning that the girl he's trying to flirt with turns out to be one. Also, he was flirting with her right in front of his girlfriend. Who dumped him and ended up dating the other girl.
• This woman subtly rickrolls her fiancé with the first word of every text she sends him over the course of 24 hours. She mostly manages to make it believable as normal conversation - up until she lands on the word "hurt" and ends up confusing him by asking him about a foot injury he doesn't have.
• Best Batman impression ever. He says that he hasn't given the toilet "everything" yet in a Batman voice.
• This gift exchange. As in, they got the wrong gift.
• This trio of posts. First a man tries to cover up his shyness by joking about being a "gay sea otter", then his fiancee takes him to a Nickelback concert, which he hates, as payback, then he admits to having wanted to marry Arvil Lavinge at age ten, which his fiancee says is not a good thing to say to one's fiancee.
• When someone asks their boyfriend to hold something, he makes a donkey noise, joking that he's their "pack donkey". Then, a little girl walking by calls him a donkey because of it, and the guy's partner says, "Yes, he is my sweet donkey."
• This. "F**k you." "After we run." "...deal."
• When someone tries to flirt with their boyfriend by asking how he'd protect them during a Zombie Apocalypse, he replies, "You think I'd be all romantic during a zombie apocalypse? Sorry, too busy shitting myself for that."
• Random homeless guy. He sees a couple kissing and directs them to a nearby hotel... only to become touched when the boyfriend proposes.
• These two forgot it was Valentine's day. "Meh, let’s just get ice cream or something."
• A conversation between a husband and his pregnant wife:
  Wife: "[Husband], you said that you would move those boxes for me!"
  Husband: "Well, you said that you weren't ovulating!"
• A boyfriend sticks his hand up his partner's shirt and begins talking to their belly button like it's a separate person, saying things like "Hello, belly button. I love you."
• This couple wonders why other people regularly check their partner’s phones. For fun, they decide to do just that, and learn that they've been cheating on each other... with each other.
• A guy texts his partner as they're leaving work with "Don’t get on the bus! The phalanges are broken!"
• A boy flirts with an older girl by saying, "Hey, baby, can I get some digits?". She replies, "Digits? Seriously? What is this, 2006? You’re, like, 12, for god’s sake! GO TO BED, YOU UNDERAGE FOOLS!"
• Two men are on their phones looking at photos, and one thinks he got a good shot, but the next two lines are "Who's that guy?" "That's my wife."
• When a woman uses "The Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has just opened an interactive exhibit on [my vagina]" as a sentence in Cards Against Humanity, her husband quips, "I've been. It's not worth the 50 cents."
• A couple in a long-distance relationship discuss how meeting up in person isn't practical because of logic, logistics, and llamas.
• There's Skewed Priorities, and then there's this. A grandpa died of diabetes after eating two pies... but his wife was angry that the pies were gone, not that he was.
• OP decides to propose with a ring with a fried egg on it.
  Boyfriend: *opening the box* What is this?
  OP: It is your egg-agement ring.
  (I got hit with a pillow, but we’ve been happily married for a year now.)
  • Bonus puns: Someone commented with an image of a ring with a bowl of macaroni and cheese on it, captioned "I now bond you two in holy macaroni." Someone else replied to that with a "24 carrot ring"; a ring with a platter of carrots on it.

Not Always Related

• Traumatizing your grandchildren: a time-honored way of keeping peace and quiet. A grandmother punishes her naughty little granddaughter by flashing her.
• When a boy asks if he was adopted, his dad says, "They brought you back."
• Super Baby! A man tries to throw his baby son Robbie, who is wearing a cape, up a slide. His wife tells him off, saying, "Robbie is not super-baby!".
• This little girl has an interesting way of playing with her dollies. She places Cinderella facedown to "sleep", and puts Ariel and Jasmine on top of each other, naked, to "sleep", and makes Tiana "sleep outside".
• "Who's there?" Eggnog! A mother tries to get her kid to drink eggnog, pointing out that they like eggs. They reply, "Not nog", and their little sister jokes, "Who's there?".
• Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Two junior high students joke that if their younger sisters met, they'd plot world domination. So when the sisters do meet, they do an Evil Laugh.
• An old woman and her teenage grandson are struggling to agree on which book to buy for the boy's mother. When a nearby teenage girl calls the grandma cool, she says, "See! She thinks I'm cool."
• Someone says to their sister, "Give me a sec", and she responds, "I've given you enough secs already!"... before blushing at how wrong that sounds.
• Upon being asked, "What do you like to become when you grow up?", a two-year-old girl replies, "Three!"
• THIS is how you stop hiccups. By pretending to be pregnant to scare the hiccupper.
• "Did…did you just say 'Ni'?" "Yes! I saw a shrubbery! Right by the side of the road! So I say to you, 'NI'". Two friends make Monty Python jokes together because they're bored.
• "My 4-year-old daughter is quite well-known for saying unusual and usually very funny things":
  "Mummy, my favourite food in the whole world is ice cream, but my second favourite food is humans .... I’m a zombie cow. Moooooo brains!"
• One really, really hopes that this kid grew out of saying stuff like that. Upon learning that Clifford the Big Red Dog would never die, they say, "He would if you shot him".
• A girl jokes about being a Dalek, and then her sibling says, "The shower is not a TARDIS".
  • "Tap And Regulated Directional Inclined Spray!"
• When a little girl asks an old lady where she comes from, she says she comes from "God". Unfortunately, this leads to the girl saying, "I hope you go back to God soon!" when she and her mother leave the old lady.
• Two parents find a porn stash in the closet of the son they thought was gay and in the closet. Hilarity ensues.
• A little boy shouts, "I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN" as a jokey way of ordering eggs.
• A doctor says, “You’ll be happy to know that I’ve looked over the x-ray of your head, and I didn’t find anything at all.” They meant no injuries, but it sounded wrong.
• This girl took Drugs Are Bad a bit too literally. She thinks the drug store is a bad place.
• A lesbian comes out to her grandfather, and he gives her some money and tells her to give it to her brother, saying, “Let’s just say that I lost a bet.”
• A woman is about to come out as gay to her family, but they all knew already, with the father saying, “Sweetie, you weren’t very good at deleting your internet history back in high school.”
• Upon being asked, "What does a duck say?", a kid reads a toy duck and says, "Made in China".
• Going to university overseas? Boring! This family only wants to know if you're gay, straight or bi.....for a bet! When a young man is accepted to a university overseas and tells his family that he has "something to tell [them]", his mother thinks he's gay, despite having met his girlfriend. His dad says, "YES! IN YOUR FACE!", and then when the son says he's bi, his brother says, "HA! CALLED IT!" When the son says he's going to uni in Germany, his dad says that that's boring.
• Our friend owes you ten bucks because he bet that I was gay? ...Give him five back. A man hears his friend having sex with a woman over the phone, and reveals that their other friend bet him ten bucks he was gay. The other friend says, "Give him five back."
• This little kid, upon hearing that their grandfather cooks when his wife is away, says, "No way! Men can’t cook. You’ll get burnt! Pick up the phone and order Nanny to come back, or you’ll starve!"
• This family guessing about what their blind, gay son wants to confess to them. They have an active imagination.
• A daughter has a conversation using cards. This is the kind of stuff you'd expect to see in a comedic TV show.
• A woman says, "I told you we'd fit!" after barely fitting between two cars. Her daughter says, "I am not sure that qualifies." as a reference to Star Trek, but the mother doesn't get it.
• A tale of payback, many years in the making. A kid says that if they break three eggs on their little brother's head, they will give him $20, but backs out of breaking the third. Ten years later, he breaks three eggs on the older sibling's head as revenge.
• Two cousins, while playing a video game about slaying dragons, say things like "Eat the soup of doom!" after one of them says, "Do I have to spoon-feed it to you?".
• This poor guy had to endure the "It's a small world after all" for six hours.
• A mother is very fond of her onesie and wears it every evening. One evening her son sees her and says, "You look ridiculous." Note that the son is wearing a zebra print onesie, complete with ears, tail, and mane.
• A little girl sees that her father's grocery back that opens with a zipper is open and things are falling out of it, and says, "Daaaaad! Your zipper’s open, and now all of your stuff is falling out!"
• When a woman breaks her ankle, her father-in-law carries her to the hospital and yells, "SANCTUARY! SAAAAAANCTUARY! SANCTUARY!"
• "So, girls, what jobs do your Barbies have?" "Mine is a princess!" "Mine is a gold-digger!" She meant a miner, but her mother snatched the dolls away growling.
• When a woman tells her daughter that she can't ship two men together if they're 18th century naval officers, she replies, "Mom! It's just a movie! AND STOP BLOWING HOLES IN MY SHIP!"
• This kid outsmarts his parent when they try to make good on a threat. The parent threatens to throw the ice cup out the window if he keeps eating the ice, only for him to empty the cup instead.
• This vice principal managed to recognize someone's STEAM account based upon a string of profanities and jargon their little sister used. More than that, the vice principal implies that they're the opponent her older brother was cursing at!
• This girl mistakes "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" for "Lucky In The Sky With Dinosaurs"
• This dad plays dumb when giving a Christmas present, giving a Horton Hears a Who? DVD instead of Doctor Who. As it turns out, he gave a Doctor Who DVD as well.
• Doubling as an awesome moment, Ninja Brother dispatching a bully. Clinching it is the line at the end.
  Sister: “WAIT!” *grabs her head* “WHEN DID I GET HIS HAT?!”
• This person had to reassure their niece, who heard that a relative was having another baby, "She's having a second baby. She's not trading in the first one."
• This guy just wants to get to work on time... However, he forgets to change from his slippers into shoes, and then belatedly realised it was the weekend.
• This woman asks, "When's it my turn to be dead?" during a conversation where death is used as an Unusual Dysphemism for sleeping.
• When a mascot fist-bumps a little boy, his mother says, ""Look, [Child]! [Character] is fisting you!"
  Other Mascot: "Madam, it's fist bump!"
• When an old man tries to cut down a tree while dangling from it, his son asks him what he's doing, to which the father responds, "Shut up, boy, and get me a ladder!"
• A woman pranks her husband by having her son, who doesn't know what a pothead is, run up to his father with a pot on his head and say, "Hey, Dad! Look! I'm a pothead!"
• A boy born very close to Christmas comes up with a creative way to break the "joint birthday/Christmas present" curse by unfurling a makeshift scroll and making the following proclamation. The kicker is that his relatives thought said proclamation was Actually Pretty Funny and complied:
  Submitter: Hear ye, hear ye! By proclamation of Prince [Submitter] The First, the holiday known as Christmas, and anything to do with it, may not appear in this house prior to [the day after the submitter's birthday], on penalty of death. Furthermore, any item celebrating the prince’s birthday may not arrive at the house after said day, under the same penalty....except for mince pies, they can show up earlier.

Not Always Learning

• This Vice-Principal, in an attempt to respond to the school's jaywalking problem, uses a goofy voice and the guise of a cartoon character to tell the students to not jaywalk. The thing is, this takes place in a high school. Cue laughter and mockery from both the students and the staff.
• This security guard's explanation of why he learned about electrical wiring reads like a Monty Python sketch:
  "I lived in Kenya. When I was 14, my house caught fire from faulty wiring and burned down. When I was 18, my house caught fire from faulty wiring and burned down. When I was 22, my house caught fire from faulty wiring and burned down. So finally, I taught myself how to look at wires. When I was 23, a drunk man drove a truck into my house, and it caught fire and burned down. So I gave up and moved to America."
• The culmination of a college class's The Lord of the Rings jokes.
• A teacher jokingly refers to the distant end of the class as "Narnia". One student goes into the closet and, upon seeing a fake Christmas tree, says, "Oh my God! There really is a Narnia in here!"
• Best test ever. It only asks for the student's name.
• "When I was a kid, we had a magical place of wonder and fun where we could play and pretend to be whatever and wherever we wanted! (beat) It's called OUTSIDE."
• When a college student tells an author that her professor claims that a blue bedroom represented sadness and asks if it's true, the author replies, "No, I just like blue. You can tell your professor they’re full of s***."
• When a student asks, "How do you draw black?" when asked to "draw their favourite colour", another student suggests drawing their soul.
• When a student denies being on their phone, the professor says, "Well, you’re staring at your lap, your arms are moving, and you’re laughing. Either you’re looking at something funny on your phone or you’re doing something far more inappropriate during my lecture. Either way, please stop."
• This project certainly worked as intended. A student tries to create a software that links to YouTube URL's, but when he and the professor give it a try, it works... but leads to a PSA about testicular cancer. The professor then describes the demonstration as "balls-to-the-wall".
• This kid's name is a pretty interesting one - George of the Jungle.
• This teacher details very clearly a defect in a science project (a long range optical communicator for computers).
  (repeatedly passes between the two computers while flapping his lab coat) I’m a moth! I’m a dumb moth and I see light! It’s very bright! I love this light!
• A teacher says, “I need to bring cookies to the lesson more often.” when some slacking students only arrive when they do because the only student that was on time showed them the cookies he brought for Independence Day.
• A professor gets into some hijinks with "brains". He brings some jello to school and eats it, pretending it's a human brain.
• These kids made him HARD! A substitute teacher claims that his students are making him "hard" when he means "frustrated" (he doesn't have very good English).
• This teacher showed her students a taping of a history program, that ended with some porn. Students asked her for months afterwards if they could borrow the video.
• A student wonders if anyone would be dumb enough to ignore the Silent Alarm door and open it. A year and a half later, three guesses what happens.
• A student at a trade school loses $10 to a vending machine. A teacher walks by and hears him swearing, and suggests that he solve the problem in an adult manner - namely, with a hammer.
• This child assumes the male supervisor is pregnant!
• This hilariously naïve solution to bullying, and the parents' reaction to it.
  Parent #1: “Were you ever actually in middle school?”
  Principal: “Why, yes—”
  Parent #2: “You didn’t learn much from it, did you?”
• A religion teacher points out the Fridge Horror of the biblical flood... but only expresses dismay over the kittens that died, and none over everyone else.
• Perhaps Fifty Shades of Grey isn't completely useless after all. A professor wonders if The Taming of the Shrew is actually just kinky rather than sexist.
• Some art students wind down after a semester by messing with some studio equipment. Unfortunately, there was also a tour happening, and they happen to witness the students' hijinks, but the guide manages to improvise quite well.
• A Spanish teacher, apparently infamous for making Monty Python jokes, yells, “HEAR YE, HEAR YE, [STUDENT #1] DID EXCEPTIONALLY POOR ON HIS MIDTERM, AND DESERVES SHAAAAAME!”
• "A student in my geometry class has a habit of saying 'quiz-icle' instead of 'quiz,' in an effort to be funny." You can see the joke coming a mile away, but the teacher's response sells it.
• These girls' reactions to the submitter's Unsettling Gender-Reveal.
  • And again a few months later, this time to a flirtatious girl and her jealous boyfriend.
  Me: "Oh, for f***'s sake... not again."
• This submitter fell Asleep in Class during a film and upon waking up, discovers that the entire room is a mess and sees a fellow classmate being dragged away by security. The submitter's friend explains that the guy started throwing desks around after the teacher had told him off several times, all because he didn't want to watch the film and thought it was unfair that the submitter wasn't.
  Me: "I always miss the good stuff."
  Friend: "You always cause the good stuff!"
• This principal gets the last laugh on his students. He claims the students did badly and he's cancelling the graduation party... but it's All Just a Prank.
• This hall monitor's method for teaching boys not to wear their pants too low: challenging them to a race, promising that they will be allowed to keep their pants down if they can beat him without ever pulling them up.
• This discussion of Disney songs.
  Student #1: *apropo of nothing* “Nooooo onnnnnne DRINKS like Gaston. No one FIGHTS like Gaston—“
  Student #2: “No one falls off a tower and DIES like Gaston!”
• It's very rare someone gets a chance to use the famous YEAAAAAH! in response to a one-liner, but this "random passing student" manages to pull it off.
• When a student is on his phone, which keeps saying, "Say a command," the instructor shouts, "F*** OFF! HOW’S THAT FOR A COMMAND?"
• A teacher gets a computer to boot by doing a little dance and yelling, "OOOGA BOOGA!! OOOGA BOOGA!"
• This:
  Professor: "So... why don’t you think you have souls?"
  Student: "Because I sold mine to the devil in order to finish my senior thesis."
• This choir teacher's various phrases. “In the second and third movement I kind of picture Mary and Jesus in the Millennium Falcon…” in particular, whether it makes sense in context or not.
• Harvey the Wonder Hamster. (apparently a smartass student making a "Weird Al" Yankovic Shout-Out)
• This reaction to what somebody undertaking TA Training would do if a student made sexual advances towards them.
  "Okay, guys, really? ‘Let them; I’m lonely.’ is NOT the correct answer!"
• This teacher pranks a sleeping student by pretending an apocalypse happened while he was napping.
• "Apparently, in a class of 21 students, I was the only one who thought to wear gloves." The task in question? Avoiding touching food with your hands while serving it.
• Two similar-looking sisters prank a professor.
• One student wins in a project involving dropping an egg and protecting it from breaking, then jokingly drops it without any protection and yells, "Eggbert! NOOOOOOOO!"
• An entire classroom, teacher included, pranks a student who fell asleep.
• This teacher finds an interesting way to get out of teaching. He makes someone named Aaronson sub for him.
• Quote of the day: “It doesn’t have to make sense as long as someone is getting hit with a banana.”
• The quote at the beginning of the folder is from this story. "Judging by the laughter I'm hearing, Elmer the Safety Elephant wasn't the best idea..."
• The submitter of this story doesn't have time to bring a kitten she's just rescued home before a test, so brings it to class and hopes it keeps quiet. It doesn't, resulting in the embarrassed submitter having to explain to the teacher (who initially thinks the meowing is someone's ringtone) that the sound is a rescued kitten and multiple people "giving [her] strange looks" as she leaves the classroom after finishing the test.
• When a math teacher waxing philosophical points out any of the students could flip their desks and run out, one does so, screaming.
• A high school teacher says unthinkingly, "Let’s have a Jack-Off." when two students named Jack are pitted against each other.
• When a bilingual school in a Spanish-speaking country wants to make sure its English-speaking staff will not be wearing jeans on a certain day:
  Notice: Parents will be visiting campus on Friday. Please remember to wear pants.
• This science fair Gone Horribly (read: hilariously) Wrong, especially the offhand mention of someone being bitten by a goat.
• This story about student workers literally chasing down professors is a hoot.
• "[OP's name] is in the clinic." "The dog barks at midnight." Made all the funnier by the fact that the teacher wasn't joking — he really did think they were talking in code.
• This teacher puts up posters reading, "Put that pee where it's supposed to be" in the boys' bathroom to prevent literal pissing contests.
• A student comes to class dressed as Pikachu as per the syllabus. A lesson in why you don’t just copy and paste syllabi.
• "See... spot... run. Run, Spot Run". "Spot has rabies. RUN JANE, RUN!" A bored kindergarten student said that, but the other students believed him.
• Letting students vote on the names of a handful of guinea pigs has the expected results. Among the bunch, there is one named after the principal and one with a fighter jet's full name, which is quite long by pet standards. In addition to the latter happening because of another vote that was done at the same time as the guinea pig names, the poster asks if the principal is okay with the one with the long fighter jet name, rather than the one to which they might have more obvious reasons to object.

Not Always Friendly

• When sending someone a threatening note, make sure you know your spelling.
  [...] The next day at school, I walk up to my ex-best friend, hand her the note back and walk off, smiling and calm. She opens it and starts screaming. I had corrected all her spelling and grammar mistakes in red pen!
• This person said, "Why. Am. I. Wearing. Your. Kebab?" after their friend drunkenly put his kebab between the friend and the radiator to keep it warm, and they woke up covered in it.
• Darth Vader tells a boy that he doesn't have to eat his vegetables. 'Cause Darth Vader is evil.
• This accidental text exchange with a complete stranger.
  Stranger: “No problem. Have fun at the movie. And go for standard. 3D just isn’t quite worth the extra cost.”
  Submitter: “But it’s Doctor Who! Thanks.”
  Stranger: “Oh, well, then! Definitely, 3D! Spare no expense for Doctor Who!”
• Age Is But A Number But They’re Still Not Getting One:
  About 12-Year-Old Boy: "You know, I would really like it if I got your number, babe.”
  18 or 19-Year-Old Woman: "Why? Do you need a babysitter?"
• I have no words.
  Homeless man waving his arms: “AAAAHHHHHHH!”
  Submitter's girlfriend, waving her arms: “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
  Homeless man: *blinks and wanders off*
• "We'd like to know if you've found Jesus yet." "Yeah, he's sitting on the couch. Do you need to talk to him?"
• This priest takes his football team very seriously. He tells someone who supports the opposing team to go to confession because of it.
• A big fan of Sherlock talks about the show to her best friend... except said friend has barely even heard of it.
  "You know the guy who plays Sherlock?"
  "Oh yeah, His name’s, like, Benny Cucumber or something, right?"
• One drunk woman says, "I am the Ghost of Christmas Future!" to some people she's calling, since it's Christmas where she is but Christmas Eve where the other person is.
• You know that old joke? Woman looks at ugly painting, only to be told it's a mirror? Well, truth really IS stranger than fiction…
  “Oh, my god! That girl is in the same cosplay as me!”
• “Where do you hide your nerds?! [...] No, not candy. Nerds! Guys who can’t get dates and sit around pretending to be wizards and barbarians and stuff!” He's just looking for somebody he can play DnD with. Good thing he happens to be talking with not one, but two people willing to let him join their group.
• Quick Carjack Turnaround.
  “Isn’t it funny how I was just sitting on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere?”
  “What?!”
  “My car is broken down, genius. You just carjacked a dead lemon.”
• "Dude, like, what is bacon, you know, for real?" It only gets stranger and more hilarious from there.
• Possibly the worst D&D player ever: despite multiple warnings from both the other players and the GM, her best method of dealing with a locked treasure chest with obviously fragile contents is to break her knife trying to lockpick it and failing that, smash it against a wall as hard as she can, and upon finding out that the potions she broke were healing potions, her first decision is to lick them off the obviously-never-cleaned dungeon floor, which causes her to heal half of a hitpoint and contract 2 different diseases.
• This poor bastard has to take care of several friends who are high off their asses, particularly one who becomes convinced a Zombie Apocalypse has occurred.
• A little girl is told she should ask permission before she pets a strange dog... Presumably due to her mother's use of Ambiguous Syntax, she asks the dog "Can I pet you?".
  • A commenter pointed out that, since the dog was identified as a husky and they're known to be a very vocal breed, it probably did give her an answer of sorts... And the OP confirmed it.
• A father told some of his friends that his teenage daughter has just come out as gay, and is asked whether he has any problem with this. "The only problem I have is that she brings home much cuter girls than I did at that age!"

Not Always Hopeless

• A girl with an unusual name that she's uncomfortable about is prompted by her mother to give the barista a nickname for her drink order. She chooses "Monkey-Face".
• A quick-thinking little girl finds a way to see a movie with her dad after they'd realized too late it was a seniors-only showing.

Not Always Healthy

• This person was given some drugs to help with the removal of their wisdom teeth. During so, he had some... interesting hallucinations involving a bloody war with the Smurfs and a giant purple turkey. He even stated he could write a book about it.
• The top comment of this post is about trolling your siblings.
• A patient having a blood test done starts to lose consciousness during the draw. This is how they communicated that to the doctors.
  Submitter: Chris Martin went grey! Gonna blarf...
  • For the uninitiated, Chris Martin is the lead singer of Coldplay, the band whose music (specifically the song "Yellow") was playing while the blood was being drawn, and about whom the submitter claims they're ambivalent; the submitter only heard the music as static once they were losing consciousness, making this not quite a Non Sequitur, *Thud*.
  (Apparently, my brain is better at remembering music trivia when starved of oxygen and shutting down!)
• The midwives of a maternity hospital got a model breast during a training session about breastfeeding — modeled to look and function like an actual breast, complete with nipple and ability to dispense a liquid. As the staff was mostly female, they had no use for the model breast past that training session. They repurposed it as a soap dispenser in the staff bathroom!
• This submitter gives a bag of poop to a vet tech while telling "This is for Dinner", to the bafflement of the tech. The misunderstanding is quickly resolved (the vet requested a fecal sample from the submitter's cat, who is called "Dinner").
  • As to why the cat was named Dinner in the first place, the submitter explains they have a Vietnamese-American boyfriend who apparently has a dark sense of humor.
• The submitter's incredibly loud cat who purrs like a "cross between a demented kookaburra and a lawnmower with a broken blade". Her name?
  Submitter: She's a cat. Her name is Possum.
  Possum: "Chokes on her purr and squawks like a dying chicken"
  Other client: What the f**?

Not Always Legal

• A home owner's response when emergency services just cannot get it through their heads that they were called because a bear was in the basement.
  Caller: What kind of bear did you think I meant? A big, hairy, gay guy?!
  • It gets even funnier if one happens to look at the comments. As it turns out, the caller had been sarcastically describing the "intruder", with the operator never once catching on. At one point, the caller gets frustrated and angrily says "for God's sakes, it's a Goddamned bear. Can you please send Animal Control?" She still doesn't get it.
• An incident where a heavily intoxicated fellow attempts to leave a fast food restaurant with... a urinal dividing wall from the men's restroom, all while being very polite with everyone who spoke to him. Even the police dispatcher who takes the submitter's 911 call can't contain themselves upon hearing the submitter's bizarre report.
  We’re still not sure how [the drunk man] got it off the wall, or what he wanted it for.
  • One commenter theorized that he was trying to circumvent public urination laws with Insane Troll Logic - it's illegal to urinate outside of a designated stall, but the only thing separating the stall from the rest of the world is the dividing wall; therefore, if you steal the wall and carry it with you, you can legally pee anywhere you want.
• This one heck of a Contrived Coincidence. "Oh s***", indeed. Cops get called to a house whose burglar alarm went off, but it turns out to have been a mistake... and there's a parrot who can say police jargon.
• The submitter in this story uses a fake call intercept message to mess around with a Microsoft scammer.
• This woman is reading a magazine behind the wheel. And seems to think this is perfectly okay, given she tries to pull away from the police officer at the end.
  Woman: I don’t care what I was doing behind the wheel. I wasn’t drinking and I didn’t wreck! You have no right to pull me over!
• This person thought of an interesting way to get a persistent phone scammer off his case and express his political views at the same time. All he says is "Impeach Trump".
• This person says to a phone scammer, "We don't have a computer. I ate it for breakfast."
• This story wherein the submitter's daughter helps her avoid a ticket by telling the officer she has buttworms.
• A movie stuntman drives around with a (fake) axe-induced head injury and startles a police officer. Hilarity Ensues.
• A perfume thief damages his stolen goods, resulting in him being soaked in perfume. Multiple perfumes. The jail still hadn't managed to get rid of the overpowering flowery stink by the time the story was submitted.
• A very diverse group of office workers prank a scam-caller by passing the phone around between lines on the scammer's script^note (male German co-worker to male Indian co-worker to female southern American co-worker to male Dutch co-worker to female Hispanic co-worker and back to the German co-worker) all while insisting that they are the same person whenever the scammer asks. The scammer is extremely confused by the time the phone gets back to the German co-worker.
• Two police officers help solve the mystery of a drunk Marge Simpson's missing purse, which she thinks was stolen by four Jack Sparrow. Where do they find it? Where else but Marge's hair. Adding to the hilarity is that the story is written as though it were the actual characters involved (and as such is even funnier if you read it in the characters' respective voices).