Funny / Modern Family

Season 1

• The pilot has the sequence with the BB gun.
• Phil's introduction scene where he presents himself as the "Cool Dad".
  Phil: I'm the cool dad, that's my thing. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. "LOL", Laugh Out Loud, "OMG", Oh My God, "WTF", Why The Face. Uhm, you know. I know all the dances to High School Musical.
  (Gilligan Cut to Phil dancing and singing "We're All in This Together" for his embarrassed kids)
  Phil: (singing) We're all in this together. Yes we are were all stars something something you know it
• Cameron introducing Lily to the family, a la The Lion King with 'The Circle of Life' blasting (right after Mitchell has argued with his father's referring to Cam as "overdramatic").
• Mitchell and Cam accidentally lock Lily inside the car with the keys in there with her. Hilarity Ensues.
  Mitchell: Did we just lock our baby in the car?
  Cam: Did you put the keys in the bag?
  Mitchell: I put the keys in the bag.
  Cam: Oh, Mitchell, I told you NOT TO PUT THE KEYS IN THE BAG!
  Mitchell: Don't freak out! Come on, don't freak out!
  Cam: Lily, it's okay!
  Mitchell: [starts singing] A—B—C—D...
  Cam: What are you, singing to her?! PEOPLE GET ARRESTED FOR THIS, MITCHELL!
  Mitchell: [continuing] H—I—J—K—L—M—N—O—P.
  Cam: DO ALL FOUR DOORS LOCK?!
  Mitchell: Do you have your phone?
  After some time passes
  Cam: [holding a trash can over his head and running toward the car] I'M BREAKING THE WINDOW!
  Onstar woman: Emergency assistance. This is Trina.
  Mitchell: We locked our baby in the car, and people are judging us!
  Cam: [shrieking] I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M GONNA BREAK IT!
  Mitchell: [turns to Cam] Do NOT break the window! You'll get glass on her!
  Onstar woman: Sir, please tell your wife to relax. Everything is going to be okay.
  Mitchell: That's a man.
  Onstar woman: [incredulous] Really?
• Dylan's song at the end of "The Incident."
  "Baby, baby, I just wanna do you..."
  • The rest of the family absent-mindedly singing the song at the end of the episode
  • Phil attempting to be "cool" while talking to Haley in the same episode.
• "What's Jagermeister?"
  • "You know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castle—-you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation."
• Mitchell's first time at Costco. "What IS this place!?" accompanied by a look of epiphany.
  "I'm like Costco. I'm big, I ain't fancy, and I dare you not to love me."
• Several in "Hawaii", including Manny and Luke's rooming together, and the whole "Lily in the elevator" segment.
  • The latter being followed by "Don't worry, I used to lose Manny all the time."
  • Luke: I had bread, I had cheese, and I had an iron. What was I supposed to do?
• The whole intercutting of the ADHD discussion between Alex and Claire and Phil's actions in the garage.
• Phil and Luke coming up with absolutely ridiculous ideas for what the "collection" in their basement supposedly is, and their later, similar conversation about what may be in a box in their attic. Their funniest guesses include gold and the Declaration of Independence.
• The end of "Not In My House", with Jay and Barkley the dog butler. The entire episode seems to be a set-up for that one joke, but it is COMPLETELY worth the effort. "It's a dog and a butler!"
• Cam turning to Mitchell and saying, "Wow. You just made figure skating sound even gayer." From a straight character, it'd be perhaps a little off-color. Coming from Cam who has N-Word Privileges, it works.
• Jay spraying Manny in the face with water to stop him creeping on Haley.
• At the airport, Haley finally goes to chat with a cute boy she had been attracted to, only to find out...
  (in an interview segment)
  Alex: (laughing) He was fourteen years old!
  Haley: Shut up!
  Alex: He's my soulmate! (Alex continues laughing so hard she ultimately falls off the couch, while Haley is embarrassed about the whole thing)
• Kobe Bryant's cameo in "Family Portrait"
  (Phil, Gloria, Alex, and Manny are watching Kobe warm up in the hallway, with Phil calling out Kobe's name.)
  Kobe: Hey, what can I do for you?
  Phil: Do you like being a basketball player?
  Kobe: [incredulous] You serious?
  Phil: I choked! I didn't think you'd look up at me!
  Kobe: A little preparation next time. [points to head] It's a mental game.
  Phil: Duly noted.
  Mitch: I don't know sports. I'm a fan of musical theater.
  Cam: Surprise!
• Gloria cannot seem to ever remember the word "helicopter" in English. Instead, she refers to them using onomatopoeia: "The takatakatakataka."^note (Doubly hilarious because the Spanish word for "helicopter" is: "helicóptero")
• Phil has an attractive neighbour:
  Phil: Am I attracted to her? Yes. Would I ever act on it? No, no way. Not while my wife is still alive.
• “I am brave. Roller coasters? Love ‘em. Scary movies? I’ve seen Ghostbusters like 7 times.”
• Phil’s unsure where his fears of clowns come from:
  Phil: My mother says it’s because when I was a kid, I found a dead clown in the woods, but who knows?
• Phil suffers through a bout of kidney stones:
  Phil: Ok, that’s cancer! ... That’s gotta be death! Death is coming!
  • Claire dresses up for the fireman.
• Mitch attempts to ferberise Lily.
• Claire is convinced Luke is watching porn:
  Phil: It was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.
• Lily says her first word:
  Mitch: Well, her first word was every gay father’s worst nightmare.
  Cam: Mommy!
• Mitch and Cam are recreating a scene:
  Mitch: I almost had to shout.
  Cam: You almost had to what?
  Mitch: Shout.
  Cam: Little bit louder now.
  Mitch: Shout!
  Cam: Little bit louder.
  Mitch: SHOUT!
  Cam: (To the tune of Shout by Otis Day and the Knights) Hey, hey, hey, hey!!
• Mitch is staying home while Cam’s at work:
  Mitch: It’s Cameron’s turn to be out in the world interacting with grown-ups, while I get to stay at home and plot the death of Dora the Explorer.
• Airport 2010. All of it.
• The family is attempting to have a family portrait all dressed in white. It goes as one would expect.
  Claire: Anything else you need to tell me? Maybe the neighbours either side are having a paintball fight.
• Claire and Phil are taking turns teaching Haley to drive:
  Phil: This navigation system’s messed up, thinks we’re in a park. OH MY GOD! IT IS A PARK! AWAY FROM THE KIDS! AIM FOR THE LAKE!
• Jay flys his toy plane into Phil:
  Jay I wanna make sure nothing’s broken. (Camera pans out to see Jay attending to his toy plane, leaving Phil on the ground as he bleeds.)
• Claire is super-pumped to have an arts-and-crafts table at Luke’s party:
  Claire I finally figured out what we’re gonna be making.
  Phil: Kids bored?
• Phil repeatedly gets hit by kids on the zip line.
• At Luke’s basketball game:
  Alex: Why do I always have to come to these things?
  Claire: Because you love your brother.
  Alex: Why don’t you make him come to my orchestra concerts?
  Phil: Because we love your brother.
• As Gloria is trying to console a woman about finding love:
  Gloria: In my country we have a saying that means, "Love is just around the corner."
  Smash Cut to the Confession Cam
  Gloria: I come from a neighborhood with a lot of prostitutes.
• Mitchell chasing a pigeon in slow motion while Cam sings Ave Maria at a wedding. Mitch ends up causing more damage to the house than the bird does.

Season 2

• From the Valentine's Day episode:
  Jay: Honey, you can't turn Valentine's Day into some silly competition. It defeats the whole point.
  Gloria: Shaddap, I win.
• "Yesterday's lazy cures today's crazy." And pretty much the rest of that subplot.
  "I'm trapped in the men's room and all I have on is a Spider-man costume!" "Hot! Who is this?"
• "Halloween" Gloria angrily speaking in a bad American accent after Jay makes fun of being hard to understand. Especially funny when she participates in Claire's haunted house "Welcome to your nightmare! Ha Ha Ha Ha!"
  • After Claire tells her dad to make sure he doesn't forget the fog cue: "This whole thing is a colossal fog cue".
  • Phil discusses his and Claire's costumes for Halloween: "We're going as corpse bride & groom, as if there's any other kind. (beat) I'm saying that marriage kills you."
• Phil and Claire's kids walking in on them while they were having sex... in the "doggy-style" position.
  • Phil trying to assure Claire that nothing is bad as it looks after they were caught by their kids. All while struggling to put their clothes back on:
  Claire: (putting pants on) Oh my god, oh my god!
  Phil: It's ok. Maybe they didn't see anything.
  Claire: Sweetie, they screamed, they dropped a tray of dishes, and then they ran out of here like they were on fire!
  • Alex, trying to Brain Bleach the image from her mind by rubbing water on her eyes before shouting "I can still see it."
  • Even funnier is Luke's reaction:
  Luke: Whatever they were doing, it looked like Dad was winning.
  (Alex looks horrified)
  • Easily forgotten is Luke telling Alex he knows what sex is.
  Luke: It's when a man and woman take off their underpants and then get into bed.
  Alex: STOP TALKING!!
  Luke:Did you guys notice that Dad had the same look on his face whenever he gets into a new car?
  • From the same episode, Gloria accidentally sending an angry email to Claire before she can edit it to be a little nicer.
  Gloria: Ay... ay, why the whoosh?! What is - where is the email - it sended! *taps Jay's hand* Ay, make it come back!
  • Shortly after:
  Gloria: *staring at the screen in horror* ...IT SENDED! *desperately* Please come back!

Afterwards, the kids decide to give Phil and Claire a different anniversary gift….a lock to place on their bedroom door. Only problem is that it makes a noise that reverbs, which now becomes a trigger for the kids.

Luke: It's hard for me to look Dad afterwards.

When they realize that the parents are going to want to talk about what happened, they have to figure out to handle it, with Haley suggesting that they just smile and think of something else. Luke thinks its a good idea, as it's just like with school, to which Haley gives a very approving "yeah", seemingly proud that he is following her footsteps in zoning out at school.

'Luke:

• From "The Musical Man", there's the sequence at the end of the school play:

  WE LOVE THE F WORD

  • Also, the harness jamming and Luke becoming stuck in mid-air.
    "I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes."
  • Cam walks from a corner of the backstage area clutching a fire extinguisher.^note For those who don't get it, Joan of Arc was burned at the stake.
    Cam: That one was my fault, but Joan of Arc's gonna be just fine.
  • Phil's real estate ad on the car, which makes Claire and Haley look like prostitutes.
  "I can't be satisfied!"
  "I can make your dreams come true!"
  • Also this exchange from "The Musical Man"
  Gloria: More toast, Manny?
  Manny: Why won't you call me, Emma?
  Gloria: More toast, Emma?

  • Right after this exchange, Manny says he "wants to take a run at Emma!"
  Gloria: Manny, you don't take a "run" at a woman. You woo her, you make her feel special!
  Jay: Hey hun take a look at this; It's a picture of my butt!
• In the "Mother's Day" episode, Luke talking about coyotes attacking them on their hike, and he'll protect them with a popsicle stick he sharpened that smells like lemon-lime, because that's a flavor coyotes hate.
  (the Dunphy kids are sitting on a rock waiting for their mom)
  Luke: Did you know more people have died hiking than in the entire Civil War?
  Alex: Okay, what book did you get this information from?
  Luke: Book? Wake up and smell the internet, Grandma.
• From "See You Next Fall":
  Haley: You'll be a social piranha!
  Alex: Yes, I will be an Amazonian carnivorous fish!
• From "Someone to Watch Over Lily":
  Luke: Dad, I'm going to teach myself how to juggle.
  Phil: (as he attempts to put out a kitchen fire) Good for you, buddy.
  (Luke grabs the block of kitchen knives. Cameron grabs them and Mitchell replaces them with a bowl of fruit as Luke walks out.)
• "Manny Get Your Gun":
  • Gloria keeping and using Manny's BB gun.
  Jay: I just wanted you to be a bit more organized, you can be a little scatterbrained sometimes.
  Gloria: You're the one whose brains are going to be scattered! Manny, hand me the gun!
  • Mitchell participating in a flash mob (it was for Cameron), and Cameron's reaction to it.
  Cameron: You cheated on me.
  Mitchell: How did I cheat on you?
  Cameron: You cheated on me with choreography. And that is the worst kind.
  Mitchell: How is that the worst...
  Cameron: You danced without me, Mitchell!
• Luke and Dunphy Towers. "There's no fire escapes, they cut corners! I'll cut your corners!"
• Everything about Mitch and Cam's interview at Billingsley.
  • "Lesbians! In a wheelchair!"
  • In an attempt to rival with interracial lesbians, one of which in a wheelchair, who adopted an African baby, Cameron tries to pass as part-Cherokee. It being Cameron, his improvisation is over-the-top and extremely stereotypical. When Mitchell finally gets to put a word in, he manages to wrap his current embarrassment with Cameron and his desire to get Lily in a good school in a neat little package:
  Mitchell: What if I was a single dad?
• Gloria asks Luke to teach her to ride a bike. His idea of a bike lesson is to blast her with a super-soaker until she tries to escape on the bike.
  • He later does the same thing to Haley to help her study.
  • The best part of both the above moments: it works!
• Mitchell's antics in general. First the pigeon thing, then the Princess Castle thing, then the Spider-Man thing...
• Cam fighting with Barry (James Marsden) in Lily's pink backyard castle in the he finds out he's been living in there and not the upstairs apartment.
• Phil and Claire walking straight into a clearly labeled non-exit door after calling each other "Doctor" and "Professor."
• Catching Jay singing karaoke, Manny pulls the plug on the machine and waves it threateningly at him.
  Manny: Keep this up, and this won't be the last plug I pull on you.
  • Even funnier is how he reacts to Jay's lack of action earlier in the episode.
    Manny: COWARD!
• Gloria ordering a box of baby cheeses for Jay.
  Jay: What did you said you ordered?
  Gloria: I told you! A box of baby cheeses!
  Jay: (Pulls out a figurine of Baby Jesus from the box)
• Gloria argues with a neighbor whose dog keeps them awake. The guy says he never complained about Jay's parrot. Cue a montage showing Gloria shouting "Jay!". The scene ends with Gloria shouting Jay's name again, this time setting off a car alarm.
• Luke narrowly avoids being crushed by a falling cabinet... only to bang into a wall.
  Luke: I got scared because the cabinet didn’t fall down.
• With Claire being stuck in the bathroom, Phil has time to anchor the cabinet to the wall:
  Phil: It’s like they say, sometimes when God closes a door, he closes it so hard your wife can’t get out.
• “You’re not a joke. You’re Pepper Saltzman.”
• Cam and his bike shorts.
• “Phil Dunphy is no straight guy”
• “I spent two days talking to a bar of soap!”
• Mitch and Cam:
  Cam: It’s time to play everyone’s favourite game: Let’s blame the gay dads! You know who had straight parents?
  Mitch: Adolf Hitler. Charles Manson.
  Cam: Shall we go on?
  Mitch: Naomi Campbell.
• Mitch runs into his ex and presumes that he’s fathered a child. It’s actually her small-statured husband, creating a lot of awkwardness.
• “Slow Down Your Neighbors”
• Alex correcting her parents’ mispronunciation:
  Phil: I will meet you at Ibiza.
  Alex: It’s pronounced “Ibitha” not “Ibiza.”
  Phil: Thanks honey. That reminds me, this weekend I want to see this baby panda at the “thoo.”
  Alex: Yep, I’m the idiot.
• Gloria’s singing. Oh God.
  • To drown out the noise, Jay takes a spoon, put it down the drain and turns on the garbage disposal. As the scene closes, Jay has a serene look on his face listening to the disposal running.
• Gloria offers to cut Phil’s hair:
  Gloria: I do Jay. Why can’t I do you?
  Phil: You can...do me.
• “Happy Valenbirthaversary!”
• “You mess with Phil Dunphy, the claws come out!”
• Alex’s deadpan reaction to being on the trampoline.
• The Dunphy’s car trip.
  (As the car rolls down a hill)
  Phil: I’m just being realistic, but we’re gonna need to lower the asking price.
• Mitch and Cam want to go to a trendy, new restaurant. There’s just one problem....
  Mitch: They can take us at 5:15
  Cam: What are we, 80?
  Mitch: Or 10:45
  Cam: What are we, 20?
• “Who’s the bitch now, bitches?”
• Claire tells Alex they can come to her for her science project.
  Alex: Really? What’s the difference between a gamete and a zygote?
  Phil: Don’t fall for it, Claire. She’s just making up words.
• Cam and Mitch assess if Phil and Claire will be guardians for Lily:
  Mitch: We dropped by their place last week. (glass shatters)
  (Flashback)
  Haley You win the award for worst mother ever!
  Claire: I will be sure to thank you in my speech! Phil! The frying pan’s on fire!
  Phil: Son of Jor-El! Everybody stay calm!
  Luke: Dad, I’m gonna teach myself how to juggle. (Luke grabs a bunch of knives)
  Phil: Good for you, buddy.
  Alex: Mom! Did no one hear me screaming?! I’ve been trapped in the garage for like 20 minutes!
  Claire: And yet still you didn’t get the rat traps I asked for! Thank you! (sees the frying pan on fire again) Honey! It’s doing it again!
  Phil: Come on now! Every morning?!
  Haley I hope the whole house burns down!
  Mitch Did we come at a bad time?
  Claire: Come back in 7 years and 5 months, when THEY’RE ALL GONE!!!
• Luke has always had issues:
  Claire: He was 2, and all he could do was bark.
  Phil: I understood him.
• "I’m sorry, I thought I told you to GRAB YOUR BUCKETS!!!"

Season 3

• Phil talking about his type of woman.
  Phil: I'll admit it. I'm turned on by powerful women. Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice, Serena Williams...Wait a minute.
• Phil: I don't always make good decisions under pressure.
  (flashback)
  Claire: What the hell is that?
  Phil: It's an alpaca. I got the last one.
• Claire trying to have a serious conversation with her daughters, as the sounds of Phil falling off a tightrope keep interrupting.
• The traffic video Phil and Luke made, with all its cheesy gloriousness:
  Phil: (On the phone) Clive Bixby. Can I meet you at Harry’s bar in 2 minutes? Baby, I can do anything in 2 minutes. I’ll just speed through the intersection of Greenleaf and Bristol. It’s easy, (looks at camera) cause there’s no stop sign!
  (Cut to Luke walking)
  Luke: I love being a kid! I have my whole life ahead of me.
  (Phil’s shaving in the car, as Luke walks out on the street. He slams on the brakes)
  Phil & Luke: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
  • And Phil getting hit on the face with a basketball right after the vid.
• From Lifetime supply:
  Mitchell: I was so glad I talked to Alex, because she agreed with every thing I was feeling...which made me realize that I was acting like a fourteen year old girl.
• Lily is aged to being able to talk, and the first thing we hear her talk about at any length is wanting to kill her prospective new brother.
  Mitch: We are having a slight issue getting Lily on board with the adoption. “No new baby!”
  Cam: “I hate the baby!”
  Mitch: “I wanna make the baby dead!”
  • Later on in the season, Lily starts saying fuck around the house causing Cameron to laugh every time and Mitch to cringe every time. This eventually cumulates into a Cluster F-Bomb in church during a wedding where the entire audience begins to crack up.
• From "Express Christmas
  Claire: Oh, thank God, here comes Phil with the butterball!
  Manny: I have a name!
  • For the record, she was referring to a turkey.
• After Phil is accidentally hit by a stun gun, and holding mint condition baseball cards he'll give to Jay:
  Phil: Mint condi- (seizure, crumpling the card)
  Phil: Near mint condi- (seizure, crumpling the card)
  Phil: Fair condi- (seizure, crumpling the card)
  Phil: Garbage.
• MERRY! FREAKIN! CHRISTMAS!
• Phil's Voice Clip Song remix about how much he loves sleeping with his wife. "Some sick bastard autotuned me."
• Phil freaking out that Claire, Alex and Haley are all PMS-ing on the same day.
  "You all ganged up on me like when the Wolfman, Frankenstein, & Dracula show up in the same movie, except this wasn't awesome!"
• The Little Fizbo bit in the episode "Send Out the Clowns". Be prepared to not breathe for a bit, it's that gut-bustingly funny.
• Cam's zombie-like interview after having to stay up all night consoling Lily over losing one of her toys.
• From the Disneyland episode, the whole "Lily on a leash" arc—first Lily barking, then Jay ordering her to heel, then Lily getting tangled up with another leash kid (named Rex!), then Lily running after Chip and Dale (Cam: "And now she's chasing squirrels.")
  Cam: It’s a child safety tether.
  Mitch: It’s a leash. Don’t, don’t judge us.
• Also from Disneyland: Dylan's time in costume as Little John.
• The whole family arguing through clenched smiles while imitating a Norman Rockwell painting.
• Mitchell, Cam go to the hospital where the baby they want to adopt is being born and witness a Real Life "Telenovela"(Spanish Soap Opera) with Gloria translating for them what's going on. Turns into a Tear Jerker when it ends with them not getting the baby.
• "SNORKELS!! WHERE ARE YOU SNORKELS?!" screamed by Mitchell whilst running fully clothed into the ocean.
• Haley getting waitlisted. "We will take it!"
• Phil teaching Alex to dance. "Arms down here say 'I'm white and I'm sorry', but arms up here say 'you don't know what I am.'
• "Just because my uncle is clearly gay..."
• STTTEEEELLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
• This little clip from when the family is talking about The Blind Side:
  Phil: No. The Blind Side is the black kid who played tight end.
  Alex: Offensive line.
  Phil: Sorry. African American kid.
• Cam "sleep-clowning."
• Mitchell asking Lily if she wanted a princess hat, then spraying shaving cream all over her head.
• Gloria buys a helicopter for a boy whose house burned down.
  Luke: Is that one of those helicopters with the camera that you can control with your phone?!
  Manny: Isn't that the one I asked for?
  Gloria: Well when your house burns down you can have one. (Beat) Don't burn your house down.
  • Earlier, Gloria explains that in her country, it is considered extremely bad luck when... your house burns down. Jay can only silently agree.
• Betty Luke.
• Manny tries to invoke All Girls Want Bad Boys by driving Cameron's car past a girl he likes. Then he comes to a dead end, and since he doesn't know how to turn the car around, he has to sheepishly drive it backwards past her again.
• Gloria: "There are blind models? That's so sad! They can not see how pretty they are!"
• Starving Mitch crying about Snorkles the sea lion.
  • "You know *gasp* who else needed air? SNORKLES!!!!" The way he suddenly screams it, spit flying out of his mouth and his face red, is fantastic.
• Mitzi, a rival realtor, is trying to steal his house listing:
  Mitzi: “I thought you had your anger problem under control.”
  Phil: “I DON’T HAVE AN ANGER- I don’t. Anger problem. I don’t have an anger problem.
• Please do! Please don’t.
• Claire recruits the family to help her win the election, and is under the impression that they worked tirelessly. Thanks to the interview scenes cuts, the show presents one of its most hilarious scenes:
  Claire: “I just want to thank you all for everything you’ve done for me. Mitch and Cam, for campaigning for me in your little Claire-mobile.”
  Cam: “It’s the least we could do.”
  Cam Interview: “Literally.”
  Mitch Interview: “We probably did more for Hugh Jackman’s career than we did for Claire’s.”
  Claire: “And Manny and Gloria, thank you for manning all those phone calls. And Dad, for all your support.”
  Gloria Interview: “I don’t think I convinced anyone to vote for Claire.”
  Jay Interview: “I don’t think I even voted.”
  Claire: “And my husband, who drove around I don’t know how many senior citizens today to the polls.”
  Phil Interview: “One.”
• Mitch and Cam renting a van with a microphone and becoming drunk with power.
• The'Congratulations' sign becoming a 'Condolences' sign, just by taking a part off.
• Phil is convinced that when Jay is saying “Phil is my son-in-law”, he’s actually saying “Phillis, my son-in-law.”
• Dylan’s horse song
  • Plus, assuring Claire that he would be honoured to share her bed and raise Haley, Alex and Luke as his own.
• “You’ll be surprised what people can live with, Jay”
• “Enough it with the sucking it, Claire. The children.”
• “Shotgun.” “No, no weapons!”
• Claire almost running over Phil, ruining Haley’s makeup in the process.
• Cam and Mitch think they’re at a horror movie. It’s actually The Muppets Movie.
  Lily: “You saw The Muppets without me?”
  Mitch: “Just the first two numbers.”
• Phil injuring Luke and drugging Alex.
• Cam and Mitch get handed the wrong car at the valet. Hijinks ensue.
• Phil: “The Weekly Saver says that some voters find Claire “angry and unlikeable”. To those voters, I say... wait until she reads this.”
• Comission Impossible.
• Phil, Claire, Mitch and Cam’s drunk conversations:
  Claire: I wanna do something I never do-brag about my kids. Today, they were resourceful, they were responsible, they——
  Phil: Put 40% down. It was worth showing the house five times and waiting——
  Cam: Almost a year. Seriously! Who do you have to——
  Phil: Blow. That’s really hot. Who don’t you let it cool down? Try some of the——
  Mitch: Mexican! The baby is clearly Mexican. So, you know, the swirl is out. Ugh. It’s enough to make you lose——
  Claire: Track. Is this my fourth drink?
• “Isn’t it enough that this family spends a lot of time together? Now we have to inbreed.”
• Cam and Mitch use their photos to see what their baby would look like, and scream in horror.
• “I vaguely remember someone crying.”
• Claire’s appearance after getting drunk.
• The Dunphy women all get their periods on Leap Day:
  Phil: “It happened. Satan’s Trifecta. The day I most dreaded had fallen on the day I most loved.”
• The montage of Cam screaming Lily’s name as she runs away, with each getting more and more higher pitched.
• “I’ve always said that if my son thinks of me as one of his idiot friends, then I’ve succeeded as a Dad.”
• Phil tells Luke that he has to fix some lightbulbs.
  Luke: How many moms does it take to screw on a lightbulb?
  Phil: I don’t know.
  Luke: None, cause they get you to do it, sucker!
  (Interview segment)
  Phil: I laughed...but it hurt a little.
• Phil tries to build a treehouse for Luke.
  Phil: I’m doing this for you.
  Luke: Are you Dad?! Are you?!
  Phil (interview) The kid made me think with that one. Who was I really doing this for?
  Luke (interview) Sometimes, I just like to say “Are you Dad? Are you?” because he gets real quiet and doesn’t notice when I walk away.”
• On a bet with Mitch, Cam has successfully gotten the number of a woman at the bar, Katie. When he finally tells her he's gay, she reveals she already knew, and wanted a gay male friend. Then Mitch walks in, and Cam prepares to confess and braces for the gloating, when she interrupts and puts on a furious jilted woman act to save face for him; this doubles as Heartwarming.
  Cam: (preparing to confess) Hi, this is Katie and it turns out, well...
  Katie: (furiously) No, actually, it doesn't turn out well, because I thought I finally met a nice, funny guy who is also hot, and now he's telling me he's gay? He's like the least gay person I have ever met in my entire life! And I thought he was the one! And I even told my mum about him! You better cherish him! (gives Cam a long kiss on the lips)
  Mitch: Hello?? Wow.
  Katie: (softly) Are you sure you're gay?
  Cam: (frazzled) ...No...
  Mitch: Cam!
  Cam: (quickly) Yes. Yes. Look, you're gonna find somebody because you're an amazing girl, Katie. You're the whole package. I just prefer somebody who (tails off into a whisper) has one.
  Katie: Okay. (she covertly makes a "call me" gesture to Cam as she leaves)
• To get out of doing chores, Haley and Alex stage a fight.
  Haley: Works every time.
• Phil’s friend Kenneth comes over:
  Phil: If I had a son, I’d want him to be like Kenneth Ploufe.
  Claire: You do have a son.
  [...]
  Luke: So Kenneth became a gajillionaire by asking himself “What Would Phil Do?” ... But you’re you. Why aren’t we gajillionaires? Why don’t you do what Phil would do?
  Claire comes in, shutting down Phil’s ideas.
  Phil gives a shocked look to the camera
• You’re folding my dreams!
• The Real Head Scratcher TM.
  • In predictable fashion, Phil and Luke make a video about it.
  • When Phil tries it on for the family, it starts malfunctioning.
  Phil: Shut her down! Shut her down buddy!
• “Is that turkey? Cause something smells like chicken.” “Ok, let’s settle this.”
• “Three more seconds and you would have gotten away with it.”
• Luke can’t tell when Gloria is saying ‘Luke’ or ‘look’.
• The chaos of Express Christmas.
• “Let’s dim the lights, crank up some Nora Jones, and get this over with.”
• Mitch wins an award.
  Mitch: Thank you. But it’s hardly an Oscar.
  Mitch: (interview) In the environmental law community, it kinda is an Oscar.
• Phil is running a seminar.
  Phil: I want to give them a step-by-step description of exactly what I can do for them. Am I worried that they might write it all down and do it themselves? Quite frankly, I haven’t thought about it until just now.
• Lily’s a flower girl at a wedding, which requires her to wear an incredibly tacky dress that lights up.
  Lily: I love it!
  Mitch & Cam: No you don’t!
  [...]
  Gloria: I thought that we were gonna miss Lily.
  Cam: Ships at sea wouldn’t miss Lily.
• The Dunphy’s hold a mock debate for Claire and pinpoint everything wrong with her.
• Haley volunteers for a Big Sister program.
  Phil: We couldn’t be prouder.
  Claire: We could. Little bit.
• “Movie night!” (Cam and Gloria squeal with delight)
• Classic Alex burn:
  Haley: Oh I’m sorry. Were you trying to read?
  Alex: You’re the one who tries to read.
• This part:
  Claire: Look, I know that from the outside, it seems like I have everything together.
  Gloria: No, not really.
• “Cam’s craziness all day wasn’t about a party. It was about turning 40. And once he realised that, everything got much worse.”
• WHAZZUP?!
• Claire, Haley and Alex find relief from their period pains... by playing a whacking game at a carnival.
  Phil: Can I rent one of these on a monthly basis?
• This:
  Mitch: We decided to take Lily on her first train ride. Just a quick trip to Chinatown.
  Cam: I was worried she would think that we were taking her back to Vietnam, but she seemed ok.
  Mitch: Yeah, yeah, possibly because she was an infant when she left Vietnam... Also, Vietnam’s not China.
• When Mitch and Cam find Lily’s doll with a homeless man, they go to get it.
  The homeless man coughs all over the doll.
  Beat
  Mitch and Cam take off.
• Haley thinks her Dad’s caught her sneaking out of the house.
  Phil: Wait a minute. You’re carrying your shoes.
  (Haley winces)
  Phil: How am I supposed to judge the whole outfit? Put em on.
• Cam’s not telling Lily “no.”
  Claire: Every new generation thinks they have cracked the code on child rearing. What’s the latest theory? Never say no. I say “no” every day in this house.
  Phil: But at night, she’s a “yes” machine.
• This revelation:
  Phil: I once tried to break up with a girl, and I danced around it so much, she didn’t know I had broken up with her. 20 years later, we’re still married!

Season 4

• Mitch and Cam realizing they've tied two giant stuffed animals to their car in an unfortunately sexual looking position, and then being unable to find a less problematic setup.
• Gloria reveals to Claire that she's pregnant, and the first thing Claire says? "You're gonna get fat!"
  • Followed with her desperately asking Jay exactly how much weight Gloria has gained.
  • Claire finds out Gloria is pregnant before Jay does and remembers instances of Jay having a bad initial reaction to big news. She tries to avoid this with Gloria's pregnancy announcement by telling Jay that someone is going to tell him something big soon and to please be supportive of that person. Within thirty seconds, Cameron and Mitchell show up and Mitchell tells Jay about their decision to get a cat.
  • Let's not forget DeDe's reaction to Gloria's pregnancy.
    DeDe: "Oh! You're going to be a father again at your age! And here you were thinking you would just sail off into the sunset with your beautiful young wife, not a care in the world. This is fantastic! I think my uterus just fixed itself."
• Haley returns home from the prom drunk:
  Claire: “Were you drinking?”
  Haley: “Mom. Do we really have to do this? You ask if I was drinking, I say no, and we both know that’s not true. I mean, aren’t we past this point in our relationship?”
  Claire: “No, young lady. We are not!”
  Haley: “Then I wasnt drinking.”
• Phil and Claire destroying Haley's college roommate's first impression of her by Phil mistaking her for Claire and grabbing her butt, Claire apparently ordering My Little Pony sheets for Haley's bed, and Phil spilling the condoms Claire bought her all over the floor.
• When the parents of a boy who bullied Lily turn out to be a lesbian couple, Mitch and Cam simultaneously mutter "Lesbians" in a tone worthy of "Hello, Newman."
  • The Venn Diagram explaining how gay men and lesbians have nothing in common.
  • The rest of the episode features a lot of Cam and Pam, one of the lesbians, making constant homophobic snipes at each other.
• The ending to "Schooled" features members of the cast reading selections from the "Phil'sosophy" (a bound collection of sayings by Phil he created as a gift for Haley), then looking up in utter bafflement as to what they just read
  • Some quotes:
  Claire: "Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed." (glares at Phil)
  Alex: "Older black ladies make the best iced tea."
  Jay: "Genius is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail."
  Gloria: "You can tell a lot about a person by from his biography."
  Luke: "Watch a sunrise at least once a day."
  Manny: "If you love something set it free. Unless it's a tiger."
  Mitch: "If you're ever in a jam, a crayon scrunched up under your nose makes a good pretend mustache."
  Phil: "When life give you lemonade. Make lemons. Life will be all like 'Whaaat?"
• The ending of "Snip" where the family shares embarrassing photos of each other, especially Jay's pic of Phil.
  Not A Real Man
• “I’m sorry. Is it a vasecto-YOU or a vasectomy?”
• Cam singing on his keyboard in the middle of the night and Lily coming out and unplugging it looking extremely unamused.
• Cam’s day as a music teacher doesn’t go to plan.
  Luke: Trainwreck.
• Phil being trapped under a motorcycle in the LA hills and recording his plight a la 127 Hours.
• The discovery of Gloria's old dummy "Uncle Grumpy" that she used for a ventriloquist act in a beauty pageant. She still won despite freezing onstage doing the routine ("Imagine this at 18!") but she was humiliated and vowed never to perform again but Luke convinces her to do it for the family. ("I know how to push buttons to get what I want. And what I want is a puppet show.") Gloria is a pretty terrible ventriloquist with her mouth clearly moving when "Uncle Grumpy" talks but the jokes are funny in a corny way and it's still charming. Then Jay comes out dressed in the same color clothes as Grumpy and complaining about something, and Claire realizes "Oh my god, she married her puppet!"
• While trick-or-treating, Manny is tempted to go with Durkas, the school cool kid. Luke tries to push him into it, while his other friend Reuben argues the opposite. The dialogue in the scene comes off as a bit contrived until you realize that Luke's dressed as Satan and Reuben's an Angels player.
• The misadventures of Cam having to take Luke to the hospital after he eats soy bacon (he's allergic to soy), with him having to take Alex and Lily with him as well.
  • Luke comes out wearing a hospital gown backwards.
  Cam: "Luke, the opening is supposed to be in the back."
  Luke: "No way, I don't want people to see my butt!"
• The whole subplot with Phil being Mistaken for Gay by Matthew Broderick, who just broke up with his partner. Finally he kisses Phil as he leaves, and Phil just stands there confused for several seconds before a Late to the Punchline moment as he goes up the stairs. "Ohhhhhhh."
• Cam, dressed as a cat, getting stuck in a tree.
• Jay explaining Gloria's "pregnancy brain":
  Jay: The other day, I found a bar of soap in the kitchen and a stick of butter in the shower. I smelled like a bucket of popcorn the whole day.
  Manny: Better than the toast I ate.
  Jay: Yet you ate the second piece.
• Jay, a little drunk, telling the other dads at the birthday party a story about Phil:
  Jay: What's that movie with the boombox?
  Jerry: Say Anything....
  Jay: Right, with John Mahoney...
• Cam reading the newspaper seeing his "bizarre protest" making the front page...then he turns to the back.
  Cam: "This production of Cats should be put to sleep?"
  Mitch: Don't read that!
• Cam’s protest on saving the tree worked:
  Cam: Always remember this moment, Lily. The day your daddies made you proud.
  Cam’s costume gets caught on the tree and he gets stuck trying to jump down.
  Cam (screaming) Ah! Turn her away Mitchell! Turn her away!
• Phil and Mitchell's text fight concerning who will take the blame for being the wet blanket on Cam and Claire's house flipping plan, the entirety of which Cam and Claire can see because the fight's in a group text.
  Phil: I sent him the following carefully worded text. “You suck.”
• Lily on her New Years Eve sleep over with Haley and Alex.
  Lily: Who's watching me?
  Cam: Haley.
  Lily: I’m serious.
  Mitch: Alex.
  Lily: Okay, let's go.
  • And then neither Haley nor Alex are watching her because Manny and Luke have girls over. Cue a knock at the door, revealing Lily standing outside.
  Lily: I'm cold and I saw a coyote.
• The family attempting to figure out how they're all related to Gloria's new baby.
  Alex: He’s our uncle.
  Cam: Half-uncle or full uncle?
  Haley: What's a fulunkle?
• Manny and his date sharing a kiss, then the lights go on to reveal the rest of the family there for the surprise party, only she realizes it before Manny does.
• Lily continually getting accidentally injured by Cam throughout the episode, from getting an eyepatch and neck brace and then pushed into the pool.
  Cam: (at Manny's birthday party) Sweetie I brought you a cookie!
  Lily: I ate at the emergency room.
  • Lily getting hurt when she rammed her toy car into the wall while Cam and Mitchell arguing:
  Mitchell: Cam!
  Cam: Please do not blame me. We always knew there would be a strong possibility she'd be a terrible driver!
• Gloria's sister Sonia screaming "You stole my life!" at her in church when she learns that she might have wound up marrying Jay if she hadn't gone to the bathroom at the wrong moment.
  • The very next scene is one long CMoF. The best part of which being Gloria's sister threatening that Gloria might take a walk in her closet one day and never come back, with wide, unblinking eyes.
  • And then the parody of the Baptism Massacre scene from The Godfather, with shots of Phil standing as the baby's godfather interspersed with Luke "settling the family's business." Following which, Phil telling Claire never to ask him about his business as Luke coldly shuts the door in her face.
• And now to submit Dylan's T-shirt in "A Slight at the Opera," the one with a lion saying, "Moo! I'm a horse!"
• Jay's reason why Gloria's mom shouldn't pick the baby boy's name:
  Fulgencio Umberto. The initials spell F.U. Pritchett.
• “Everybody who I did not create, get out of my house right now!”
• Phil assures the kids that Claire is fine:
  Phil: Just act like everything’s normal. Oh, and if two Cambodian guys show up, send them to our bedroom.
• Dylan expresses his gratitude to Mitch and Cam for letting him live with them:
  Dylan: I guess what I’m trying to say is...
  Mitch: Oh god, he’s gonna sing-
  Dylan: (singing) So many years living life underwater. Came up for air in the room of your daughter. I never knew I would find my answer in my ex-girlfriend’s uncles house, with the tiny Pink Panther.
• Claire encounters Maggie, the wife of her ex. Let’s just say that Maggie isn’t dealing too well with his lifestyle:
  Maggie: How’s everybody? How’s things?
  Claire: Not too bad.
  Maggie: No! I’m literally asking you, how is it to have things.
• Lily's exchange with Sal about her wedding in "Best Men."
  Sal: Sorry that you couldn't come. There were no kids.
  Lily: That's okay, I'll come to your next one.
  Sal: Wooooow.
  Mitchell: That's okay! She just means when she's not a kid anymore.
  Lily: She knows what I mean.
  Sal: (whispering) I don't like you.
  Lily: (whispering) I'll get over it.
  Sal slaps down the toy mirror Lily is holding
  Lily gives a kid version of a FU face
• The climax of "The Wow Factor", right after the Moment of Awesome when Cam turns "The Dancing Waters" on, when they realize the water intakes are sucking in the goldfish he added to the two neighboring pools.
• The entire scene at the Vietnamese restaurant in "The Future Dunphys", with Lily being less than enthusiastic about the food and her birth country, Mitchell trying to explain to her how just because her fathers are gay doesn't mean she is and in the process saying "you're not gay; you're just confused" then suddenly catching himself, and finally Cam, trying to reaffirm the value of connection to one's native culture, loudly saying "Everyone should go back to where they came from!"
  • Moreso, the way everything they say seems to come at exactly the wrong moment. Paraphrased:
  Mitchell: Lily, you're not gay, you're just confused. *Cue lesbian couple walking by and glaring at him*
  Gloria: (Lamenting about how Manny forgot his Spanish and Joe may not learn any) My children are going to become boring old white people! *Cue old white couple walking past and looking at her*
  Cam: (Reassuring them) Most of our friends are white. *Cue black couple walking past and glaring at Cam* Okay, could everyone just calm down and return to their own conversations please?!
• Javier's lady has a Freak Out after he proposed to her so she accidentally runs into Manny's room.
  "I thought this was the bathroom. It smelled like potpourri."
• Jay and Gloria find out that Cam and Mitch had a game night without them with their friends, Pepper among them.
  Jay: (looking devastated) But Pepper loves me...
  • In the same episode, Jay, Gloria and Manny need to get into the Dunphy and Tucker-Pritchett family houses. Both times, the camera pans away, pans back, and then Gloria opens the door... from the inside.
  Gloria: No questions!
• Lily gets skeptical about a letter from the Tooth Fairy.
  "Let me see that... (Takes letter) I can't read."
  • The entire scene where, in desperation to get the hundred dollar bill back, Cam and Mitchell recruit Haley to be the Tooth Fairy.
    Haley: Do you guys mind if I borrow this costume?
    Mitch: What for?
    Haley: I'd rather not say.
• Mitch: "That's it people. We cannot afford to lose this buyer. Why am I standing?"
• Gloria during charades. All of it.
  • and Jay and Javier trying to guess to no avail.
• "Let's do this while we're still young...ish."
• Cam and Mitch talk to each other through clenched smiles:
  Lily: ['talking out the side of her mouth'] “Why are you talking like this?”
• Phil sets up a video of him, talking and responding to the “live” Phil, as part of Career Day. However, Gil messes with Phil, resulting in the timing being way off.
  Phil: “I actually have a funny story.”
  Video Phil: “Ha Ha, that’s hilarious.”
  Phil: “NO I HAVEN’T TOLD IT!!”
• Cam is convinced that Lily will be one of the smartest girls at kindergarten:
  Cam: “Lily, sweetie, what’s the square root of 64?”
  Lily: “8”
  Everyone: “Wow!”
  Luke: “Nice trick. Hey Lily, what’s the square root of this potato?”
  Lily: “8”
  Luke: “Congratulations. You have a parrot.”
• Gloria and Jay being savages at the parenting class.
• Cam’s master project is... a mermaid costume for a cat.
• Cam and Mitchell attending Lily's gymnastics meet and getting a little too into the competitive spirit, loudly rooting for one of the other little girls to fall off the balance beam and get injured.
• Claire scaring Phil in an open house, with it genuinely feeling like a horror movie.
  Phil: “So you’re saying this call isn’t coming from inside the house?”
• Luke and Manny reveal a puppet to Gloria, with a dramatic organ chord in the background. It’s actually someone testing out the keyboard.
• Haley can’t remember how old Luke is:
  Haley: “He’s 12.”
  Alex: “He’s 14, but it’s touching how close you are.”

  Haley: “You’re 13.”
  Alex: “14.”
• Haley brings home her jean-salesman boyfriend:
  Kenny: (referring to pant size) What are you, 32, 34?
  Claire: (referring to his age) “What are you, 36, 38?
• Phil: I knew it! What are you hiding?
  Luke: Porn.
  Phil: Don’t lie to me!
• “Prepare to Phil the agony of Dun-feat”
• The montage of Phil attempting to teach Gloria how to roller skate:
  Phil (screaming in agony as Gloria grips his hair) Son of a MITCHELL!!
• Cam and Mitch go to a club, where they’re the oldest there by miles. They start dancing.
  Cam:(gets hit by a towel) Ok, you know what? That is wet!
• “It’s a burrito. You don’t want the meal to fall out.”
  • Followed by...
  Jay: I was suddenly in the mood for a burrito.
• The montage of Haley posing for her mug shots, ending with her getting two cops to pose with her.
• Gloria chasing some kids who threw egg on her house, leaving behind a terrified Jay.
  Gloria: YOU PUT EGG ON MY HOUSE, I KILL WHAT YOU LOVE!
  Jay: Psycho.

Season 5

• After Manny leaves on a plane to Colombia for the summer.
  Lily: What if he never comes back?
  Jay: Oh honey, no one ever leaves home and doesn’t come back.
  Lily: I did.
• Phil starts crying in front of Alex, then stares at the camera.
• Cameron showing up to the AP US History class he's been assigned to sub in dressed as George Washington, while improvising his lecture (he knows very little about the subject) and constantly being corrected by Alex to the point that she finally winds up teaching the class.
• Phil and Gloria being distracting Large Hams as background extras in a commercial.
• Phil has found a new group of clients: single moms.
  Phil: Lorraine, you are a beautiful woman with a lot to offer... Should we make an offer?
  [...]
  Diane: It’s a great house, but I’m just gonna be alone.
  Phil: Diane, you’re not gonna be alone. You’re gonna get a loan.
• In their front yard, Mitch and Cam finally confront each other about the fact that they ought to be planning their wedding together rather than having Cam make the arrangements by himself. Just as they've admitted the need for Mitch to help rein in Cam's tendency to let things get crazy out of control, this happens - It Makes Sense in Context to the viewer, but bear in mind that from Mitchell's point of view it comes out of nowhere:
  A bagpiper, in full kilt and regalia, bursts out of the front door.
  Bagpiper: I cannot be in a house with snakes!
• Everyone's Oblivious Guilt Slinging after Phil destroys a bird's nest in his gutter.
  Jay: It makes me feel like Ann Margaret in Bye Bye Birdie.
  Phil: WHY????
• Luke, lying in wait in "The Late Show" for the shifty pizza delivery men Claire had been concerned about, paintballing her and ruining her blouse when she and Phil return to the house unannounced.
  • Mitch and Cam pick the same outfits and start fighting over who gets to wear it. Then they try and get Lily and Alex to pick which one wore it best. Then, Cam opens a soda he got from Mitch and gets sprayed all over, and thinks Mitch shook it so he wouldn't have to change.
  Cam: Did you girls see anything?
  Lily: [hands Alex a crayon] Just pretend you're coloring.
  [Alex wordlessly takes crayon and begins scribbling on the inside cover of her copy of Little Women.]
  • And later in the episode, Mitch turns out to have worn the same outfit as Claire.
• “The salesman said it was a style, and he looked like a Mumford & Son, so I think he’d know.”
• Phil's reaction to his recently widowed dad bringing home a middle aged prostitute the night before.
• Jay's fair cop partner getting his new shirt messy, while a nearby saxophone player makes the scene feel like a Lethal Weapon movie where one of them just got shot.
• Joe flying a model airplane into Phil's face as he's celebrating the repair of the Apollo 13 model.
  • Speaking of the model airplane, Joe causing Haley and Alex's hair to get caught in the propeller.
• "Under Pressure" has a sub-plot where Mitchell meets his new neighbour Asher, who criticises his decision to leave the air-conditioner on when it isn't even hot outside. This descends into an environmentalist debate. You'd initially believe that Asher's hypocrisy would be revealed at some point, but it turns out he's the greenest man on the planet. Finally Lily chimes in and tells Asher that his drought-friendly garden looks like kitty-litter, which manages to get under his skin.
• Mitch arrives with some wrapped gifts that Cam suddenly wants to donate to underprivileged kids. Only these aren't gifts for kids, but for Pepper's party Cam and Mitch were going to attend. "No presents please" means something else when Pepper says it. "No presents? Please!"
  Random Kid #1: His and his shower clogs?
  Random Kid #2: What's a Himalayan salt plate?
  Cam: You can season your food while you serve it.
  Random Kid #3: Body fat scale?
  Cam: I wish I had one of those when I was your age. You're welcome.
  Random Kid #4: Who's Robert Mapplethorpe?
  Mitch: Actually, I'm gonna need that one back.
  • Also from the episode Gloria gets jealous when her visiting mother and Claire spend the day getting along baking. She gets in an argument with Claire and her mother tries to stop it. "Girls, girls I don't have a favorite." Gloria screams; "WHY THE HELL NOT?!"
• Phil and Andy using a green screen set up at Phil's house to recreate the movie Gravity:
  Andy: Don't let gooo!
  Phil: I won't George Clooney! You're too handsome! Watch out for incoming space junk!
  Andy: From wheeere?
  Phil: Your zipper's dooown!"
  Andy: Oh is it? (zips up fly)
• Any scene with Stephen Merchant as the very open-minded Vegas hotel bellhop.
• In "Australia", Claire spends the entire episode calling her bid to get a dealer to work with her and Jay's company her "baby". Near the end of the episode, a dingo sneaks by and grabs the laptop with the bid on it, making the audience guess what she's about to say. Instead...
  Claire: Phil! Phil! A dog just stole my laptop!
  Alex: Seems like a missed opportunity.
  • Luke and Manny hanging out at Bondi Beach. Luke goes swimming and loses his shorts, so a topless woman offers to help him find them. She puts on a pair of goggles to protect her eyes and-did we mention that she was topless?
• Pepper on an alternate wedding venue when a wildfire threatens the first one:
  "Its top selling point is that IT'S NOT ABOUT TO BECOME A KILN!"
  • As everyone is leaving that venue, they learn that they've been given school buses to transport all the guests. Mitchell is not amused, which Cam deals with very efficiently.
  Cam: Most of our guests are gay. We'll give them a good memory on a school bus for once.
  • After the ceremony gets interrupted several times, Pepper tries to get Lily back into the mood:
  Pepper: Come on, dear, how often do your fathers get married?
  Lily: So far, one... two...
  • Luke and Manny's subplot in the second part of the episode. Phil, who turned out to be an Internet-ordained priest earlier in the episode, ends up explaining the procedure to them while they're standing side by side under the wedding arch. Each of them answers "I do" to one of his questions and he ends his explanation sounding like he's telling them they are now married. After that, they are seen together acting like a married couple a few times. Finally, in The Stinger, Lily is staying with the Dunphys while her fathers are on their honeymoon and Alex asks her if she misses them. Meanwhile, Luke and Manny are having a domestic dispute of sorts.
  Lily: It's like they never left.
• Mitch and Cam try to have a dinner without discussing wedding planning or Lily. They find that they cannot find anything to talk about, and their evening continues to get more and more awkward as their dinner progresses.
• "Is this what you're going to do with your life? Sleep late and take a selfie?"
• "I barely got 10 hours of sleep last night."
• This bit from "iSpy" where Haley knows where Luke went.
  Haley: That's the old salvage yard where kids go to get high.
  Claire: What?! We're going there right now!
  Phil: Wait. Are you sure?
  Haley: I'm going to answer and then I'm going to walk away, deal? (Phil and Claire nod) I'm 420% sure. (promptly walks away)
  Phil: Wow, she's bad at math.
• Claire suggesting sadistic proposal ideas for Mitch.
• Lily smacks into a wall on her way to school.
• Phil manages to lock himself out of a house 'twice' and ends up wetting his pant leg, losing his shoe, and getting paint on his face. Worst of all, the clients then end up backing out of the deal.
• Jay and Manny attempt to cut down a Christmas tree, but it’s next to impossible.
  Jay: The hell is this wood made of?! They ought to make saws out of it!
  Manny: Let’s face it. The tree’s beaten us.
  Jay: Hey, we’re Pritchetts! We don’t quit. Besides, all my tools are stuck in it.
• Phil, after spending all day on an elliptical machine and is rightfully exhausted, goes up a broken escalator. When its power is restored, it goes down instead, with Phil crying WHY??!!
• Phil is using a drone to spy on Luke:
  Claire: Desperate times call for desperate m— What is on your head?
  Phil: (wearing a ridiculous rainbow hat) It provides glare protection, but apparently not from you.
• Cam trying to avoid catching lice from Lily.
  • Claire actually gets it, and her hair ends up a mess. Eventually she soothes it with The Real Head Stratcher TM.
• Claire, Cam, Lily, Alex and Haley collectively screaming at each other.
• Jay sees his rival, who is with his son Gil Thorpe, Phil’s rival. Luke and Gil’s son were wrestling against one another, and all that hostility build up to this interaction:
  Waitress: Oh my God, he’s attacking him!
  'Luke is seen attacking Gil’s son.'
  Gil: Hey, get off of my kid! (Gil holds Luke)
  Phil: Hey, hey, get off of my kid! (Phil attacks Gil)
  Gil’s Dad: And you get off of my kid! (Gil’s Dad attacks Phil)
  Jay: Get off my daughter’s husband! (Jay attacks Gil’s Dad)
  Phil: Would it kill you to call me “your kid” Jay?
• Phil’s performance at the SCARB has its own musical number, with a cross-dressing Phil. The best part, though, is his spectacular fall off the stage.
• Phil’s ingenious way of chatting with his kids is by washing their hair.
• Phil believes Claire is pregnant:
  Phil: Why didn’t I see it? The drug store, the bloated ankles, you’ve been so moody lately.
  Claire: What are you talking about?
  Phil: There it is!
  Claire: Phil, I am not pregnant.
  Phil: You’re not?
  Claire: No.
  Phil: Well, why’d you leave me this message?
  Claire: Didn’t leave you a message.
  Phil: Are you sure? You’ve very forgetful when you’re pregnant.
  Claire: I think I would remember.
  Phil: Then why have you been so moody?
  Claire: Maybe because you just told me I have giant ankles!
• Mitch’s Mom can’t make his wedding because she broke her hip. He doesn’t seem to mind:
  Cam: Should we consider the possibility that someone pushed her?
  Mitch: Cam, please. They were a bunch of peace-loving hippies who spent two weeks in the rainforest with my mother. Of course someone pushed her!
• Lily tries to get Cam’s suit from the dry-cleaner, but gets stuck on the conveyer belt. Ever funnier is Mitch and Cam’s freak out.
  Cam: I’M BREAKING THE WINDOW!!
• “There is no done in Dunphy.”
• “She’s like a self-cleaning oven.”
• Cam attempts to motivate his football team by swinging a mallet:
  Cam: When you’re functioning and working as a team, gentlemen, look out.
  [Cam swings the mallet and it lands on sassy granny.]
  Boy: Sassy granny?
  Cam: Yes, sassy granny. Yes, exactly. Because that is what you all played like last night is a bunch of sassy grannies. But we’re gonna bust our humps this week, and we’re gonna get out there, and we’re going to play like a bunch of...
  [Lands on Girly men]
  Boy: Girly men! Got it.
• Phil’s super tight suit
• The reason Gloria likes to be late is so she can make a grand entrance. When she and Jay are the first to arrive at a restaurant, she finds a way to uphold this:
  Claire: Hi Dad. Where’s Gloria?
  Jay: She’s——(points to where Gloria was and realises she’s gone) for the love of!-
  Gloria: There you are!!!
• Haley’s babysitting Luke, Manny and Joe:
  Gloria: Poor Haley. What is she going to do with all those boys?
  Giligan Cut to Haley, Luke and Manny singing “Midnight Train To Georgia”.
• Ronaldo hides from Pepper:
  Lily: Daddies, there’s a man in the bathroom.
  Pepper: What?
  Mitch: That’s a Wiggles song. (Mitch and Cam start singing) Daddy. There’s a man in the bathroom.
  Cam: He’s in the shower.
• Phil’s insane mnemonic tricks on hiding his money:
  “Loot” rhymes with “coot”, which takes us to this picture of your grandfather.

  ”Moola” sounds like “coola.” Money is in the air conditioning vent.
• Mitch and Cam witness a proposal:
  Brandon: Will you make me the happiest man on earth (pulls out ring) and be my bride?
  Katie: What?! Oh my god!... No!
  ''Mitch and Cam accidentally drop their phone and glass)''
  Cam: (to themselves) Did you know that this place used to be a bank?
  Mitch: Was it really?
  • Mitch and Cam then console Brandon and convince him that it’s for the best...just as Katie returns and accepts his proposal. Brandon stares at them, as Mitch and Cam hurry away.
• While in Las Vegas, Mitch decides that he and Cam should have a bath together. Unbeknownst to them, Mitch’s ex-boyfriend Langham believes that Mitch wants to have sex with him:
  Mitch and Cam walk in on Langham in the bath.
  Langham: Both of you?! Well, ok.
• In Australia:
  Fergus: Hugh was standing on his deck...
  Mitch: I’m sorry, standing on his what?
• To get Cam’s wedding tux, Cam finds a chute and wants Mitch to go in it.
  Mitch: Cam, no. There’s no way I could fit in through there!
  Mitch and Cam both turn and look at Lily
  Lily: You two exhaust me.
• Cam distracts Jerry, the dry cleaning owner, whilst Mitch rescues Lily from the conveyer.
  Jerry: (sees Lily)Where’d she come from?
  Mitch: Oh, oh, because she doesn’t look like us. That’s offensive.
  Mitch and Cam: Oh Jerry.
• Mitch and Cam try and negotiate with the firefighters to still have their wedding:
  Fireman: I don’t think you realise how close you are to actual flames.
  Pepper: Hello!
• Sal goes into labour, after telling her boyfriend she’s only 4 months pregnant.
  Sal: Just so you know, sometimes, when babies come this early, they’re black.
• Cam and Mitch try to hide their wedding preparations away from Pam.
  Mitch: Hi Pam! (Quickly knocks an item out of sight)
• Phil’s montage of being on the elliptical machine.
• This interaction:
  Cam: I’m kinda like Batman. But except for a bat-signal, I get a phone call.
  Mitch: Yeah, you found the one difference.

Season 6

• When Claire is trying to appear to be the perfect neighbors, she orders the kids to begin appearing to garden.
  Claire: Luke, grab that little hoe.
  Luke grabs Haley.
  Haley: Uh, I-I don't think that's what she meant... is it?
• Phil trying to teach Marco Polo to a Nigerian family.
  Phil: So when I say marco —
  Nigerian Dad Hi Marco!
  Phil: No, no I’m Phil. I’m gonna say marco and then—
  Nigerian Dad: Hi Phil!
• The Dunphys' time at the hotel turning into a camping experience, with the family being so cramped inside:
  Alex & Luke: Watch it/Look out!!!
  Claire: Haley, I need the Wi-Fi corner. Get down.
  Haley: Ugh, I need Instagram to know there’s still beauty in the world!
  (Luke starts using a blender)
  Alex: Luke, you’ll set off the dogs! (dogs start barking)
  Phil:(yelling) Look what I got from the vending machine in the lobby- a Charleston Chew! Remember these?!
  Haley: Can someone please tell the Nigerian family to SHUT THEIR DOGS UP!!
  Phil:(yelling) Check it out! According to this wrapper, we can win tickets to the 2005 All-Stars Game!
• "We're a family of fire starters, poison eaters, and online prostitutes!"
• Alex becoming "a living Roomba" after foregoing sleep for days before a big test.
• Phil buying another alpaca.
• The ending of "Connection Lost" has Claire attempt a laggy connection in Facetime, but fails as the background is moving just fine.
  • Claire has a favourites tab on her computer marked "porn". It's a Pinterest board called "Organizational Porn", and consists solely of well-designed closets and shelving units.
  • Dylan makes a remark about feeling that he and Haley share the same brain. Alex ask which of the two currently has it.
  • While getting Cameron his popcorn, Claire has a random middle-aged lady watch her computer. While two Facetime windows are open: one with Jay, one with Cameron and Mitchell, while the latter is showing off his new hat. After having what seems to be a "what the hell?" moment, she chimes in and tells Mitchell she likes his new hat.
  • The family is concerned that Haley has eloped with Andy... and realize that in that scenario, her name would become Haley Bailey.
• This exchange when Jay is trying to potty train Joe:
  Jay: I raised two fully functional children.
  Gloria: You have two kids I don't know about?
• Haley messing with Claire by telling her that she and Andy have been spending their frequent meetings having stress-relief sex, then telling the camera she and Andy have just been working on something together (it later turns out that they were practicing for job interviews). Then Andy comes in and says he "wants to try some stuff he found online"...
• When turned down for an interview she had scheduled because the designer is "in a mood", Haley lets out an overly-cheerful "KAY!!!!", spins around, and leaves.
  • Haley's breakdown in the car in the tag scene. Quickly becomes a Moment of Awesome when she refuses to be turned down.
  Haley : 'Kay??' Who says 'Kay'?! You're so stupid!! (lets out a Cathartic Scream) (a car behind her honks) Go around! I'm not going anywhere... (crying) I'm not going anywhere! (with dawning realization) I'm not going anywhere. (furiously gathering her things) I'm not going anywhere, Mr. Gavin Sinclair! You're gonna see me, I'm gonna show you. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!
• Phil's attempt with the grill he buys Jay for his birthday. Especially when the rotisserie starts spinning super fast, flinging bits of chicken everywhere.
  Phil : WHY IS THIS EVEN A SETTING?!
  • Alex, sitting in the car with Jay, is freaking out over the thought that she might be dumb compared to the average Caltech student. Jay comforts her and tells her it's something she has to do. She concludes that she has to because she'll regret it otherwise. Jay says that's part of it, starts the car, and drives...just out of the garage, where Claire, Mitch, Cam, and Phil are having the world's dumbest argument over money.
    Jay: The family needs a leader, and I can't do it forever. You can handle it?
    Alex: Do I have to?
    Jay: [puts his paper birthday crown on her] Heavy hangs the head.
• Phil going viral again!
• The family's Thanksgiving in "Three Turkeys." In short, Phil's attempt at cooking Thanksgiving dinner goes south due to a power outage; Claire's 'back-up turkey' get discovered by Cam; and Jay and Gloria's small turkey gets mistaken for Phil's, prompting Phil to freak-out over the size of the turkey. All in all, it culminates in three turkeys present, and a massive amount of craziness amongst the family.
• "You have the face of a cartoon lamb!"
• Lily explaining to Luke, Alex, and Manny where babies come from at the end of "Haley's 21st Birthday".
  Lily: You just put eggs and tadpoles in a glass and the woman has to drink it. Then, the woman and man kiss and jump on their bed. After a year, she pees and their baby comes out.
  Luke: Wow!
  Manny: Okay, then.
  Alex: Oh, my GOD!!
  • This, after Lily spending the whole B Plot of the episode asking them the same question, only for Alex to dissuade them for they were too immature and it should be Lily's parents to tell her that, only for them to tell her that no, they don't, and she finally revealing that she in fact did know and wanted to know if they did, because they're old enough and should.
• Speaking of babies, how about the bit where Mitch deals with Lily's crying doll?
  Lily: "Daddy, my doll won't stop crying!"
  Mitch: "Well, honey, did you try the off switch?"
  Lily: "OF COURSE I TRIED THE OFF SWITCH!!"
  Mitch: "Lily!"
  Lily: "Sorry I snapped, she's been like this all day!"
  Mitch: (slams the doll against the wall, and she stops crying) "There you go. That never worked on you."
  Lily: "Ha-ha."
• Cam nervously-eating, watching Jay bowl: "Someone please take these fries away before I eat them all!!
• Mitch and Cam trying to appear young and hip, practicing their dance moves.
  Mitch: "I can do the Beyoncé hand."
  Cam: "Well put your neck into it, or else you look like the queen waving."
  • And incorporating the word 'gay' into sentences for no reason whatsoever: guncle (gay uncle) ginstincts (gay instincts) and gancient (gay ancient.)
• At Haley’s 21st celebration, before the family has even finished toasting Haley on her “first drink”, she chugs her shot down. They stare at her in disbelief, as she unconvincingly claims: “Ooh, it burns!”
• Haley has her 21st:
  Haley: Yes, I’m a huge dork for celebrating my 21st with my family, but my Mom was crazy-excited to go to a bar with me. Or just to go to a bar.
• Claire gets a Sanskrit “mother” tattoo.
  Claire: Haley, if you don’t get “daughter”, it’s gonna look like I did this for my mother, and then I’m gonna have to saw my leg off!
  Mitch: Or you could just add to it. Hey, what’s Sanskrit for “issues”?
• Claire recounts a story, stating that it was quiet. It then cuts to music blaring and everyone yelling.
• “Is Phil Sexy?!”
• Phil, Luke and Manny’s numerous attempts to destroy a drone
  • not to mention that Phil’s shorts keep falling down.
• In "Spring Break", Alex is obsessing over something on her laptop.
  Luke: Are you still on that thing? What are you constantly looking at on your computer?
  Alex: Is that a question you really want people asking around here?
  Luke: Indeed, it is not.
• Phil once again defending cheerleading:
  Phil: You know what a human pyramid is without hours of training? 10 obituaries!
• “Shake it!” [‘Cam starts dancing’]. “The container, Cam.”
• Phil sneezing on Mitch and Cam’a cake in the wedding video and his attempts to fix it.
• Phil is keen for everyone to not watch the wedding video:
  Manny: It’s you, Mom
  Gloria: WHAT!!
  Phil: Tensions are running high. I think we should all go home.
• “If laughter’s the best medicine, then you’re grape-flavoured triaminic.”
• “Not since I fell off the roof while they were delivering our trampoline have things come together so beautifully.”
• Gloria benches Cam from the family dinner:
  Cam: Are there potatoes? I smell potatoes.
• Jay comments on how much time the family spends together:
  Jay: Even the Kennedys didn’t get together this often!
• Gloria bursts through the door:
  I KNEW IT!!!
• Phil on an airplane:
  Phil: I was determined to stay positive. Then it hit me. (A suitcase falls off the overhead and wacks Phil.)
• Cam’s emotional tendencies don’t go unnoticed by Mitch:
  Mitch: He kinda handles the emotion for the entire house. Possibly the entire block.
• Cam gets braces and lisps his s sounds. Doesn’t stop him from saying it though:
  Cam: “Had fun with you. Spencer.” “See you Monday. Spencer.” “Smiley-face. Spencer” Who is Spencer?
• An attempt to surprise Gloria for her birthday results in her screaming and running away.
  Lily: Just a thought. Maybe we should stop doing these.
• TELL HER I’M IN THE SHOWER!!
• Jay and Phil believe that Gloria’s cousin has brought drugs. It’s not, but we still get this gem:
  Gloria: Like he would bring $150,000 worth of heroin into this house!
  Phil: How do you know how much—
  Gloria: What? I CAN’T KNOW STREET VALUE?!
• Manny gets a girlfriend and Gloria’s reactions are everything.
  Jay: They’re kissing! (Gloria gasps)
  Jay: Sam’s a girl! (Gloria gasps more)
  Jay: That gets the bigger reaction?

  Gloria:Is that for Sam, your friend that is a girl, but has the name of a boy?

  Gloria: She looks at him the same way that I look at him. It’s sweet.
  Jay: And in her case, healthy.
• “I’m in kind of a delicate spot—stuck between my wife and the guy next door, but I’m pretty sure I can satisfy them both simultaneously.”
• Ronnie makes sure he can secure the house next to the Dunphys.
  Ronnie: I’m not losing the house. I had the best sex of my life in there.
  Phil: WHEN?!
• Phil and Claire accidentally manage to freak out some potential neighbours by inferring that they want a foursome.
  Phil Just so there’s no misunderstanding, we want you.
  • And then, the weird neighbours that actually move in do want a foursome.
• Phil’s idea of Halloween consists of things Phil finds awesome, aptly titled Awesome Land!
  • When Claire changes it, he’s rightfully annoyed.
  Haley: Here comes Dad. He’s gonna be all: No! What did you do? Where’s Awesome Land?!
  Phil No! What did you do? Where’s Awesome Land?!
• Cam’s inability to find Waldo translates on Lily in her Waldo costume.
• “I hate it when people assume things about me that aren’t true—like because I’m pretty, I’m stuck up. When people do that to me, I’m just like:Shut up troll! Why am I even talking to you?
• Ronnie and Amber have a house o’ whores.
  Phil: Did you say whores, or—
• Phil and the glorious Nigella Lawson cooking app.
  Nigella Lawson: Are your onions in hot water, Phillip?
  Phil: YES, I WOULD SAY THEY ARE!!
• Phil takes Alex on a ditch day.
  Phil: We are going to California Adventure!
  Luke: Woo!
  Haley: Without Mom!
  Phil, Luke & Haley: Yeah!!!
• “I’m not going anywhere!”
• Claire and Phil are convinced that Alex is making up stuff about her new boyfriend by looking at items in her room.
• “Your outfit’s perfect... if you’re auditioning for lumberjack school. And majoring in having your cats eat you when you die.”
• Cam pretends that Jay is gay as part of an all-gay bowling league.
  Jay: So you tricked me into coming here. You made me gay. And now I have a boyfriend. All these lies just to win a trophy?
  Cam: Yes
  Jay: I respect that.
• In "Integrity", Alex being hyped about awards day at school because she's set to make a clean sweep.
  Alex: Check the structural integrity of the trophy case, bitches, 'cause mama's bringin' home some hardware!
  [...]
  Alex: When I say "trophy", you say "trophy". TROPHY! [silence] TROPHY! Can I get a "what-what"?
  Claire: [almost whispering] What?
  Alex: BAM! [snaps her head so hard her glasses fall off] BAM! [skips off of the chair and picks them up] BAM!

Season 7

• One of the first scenes, when Haley discovers that Andy loves her, and is going to propose to Beth on a beach, so she needs to go stop him.
  Haley: ...I know what beach he likes.
  Luke: I thought you were the beach he likes.
  [high-fives Lily without even looking]
• Andy and Haley repeatedly overhearing Claire and Phil talking about the Andy/Haley situation.
  Phil: We have got to start talking in the garage.
• Andy's freaked-out laughter and scoffing down a cupcake upon hearing that Haley tried to stop his proposal.
• When Andy comes back after a couple months away planning his wedding, he's gotten really fat.
  Phil: Lots of people gain weight when they're engaged. You did.
  Claire: I was pregnant.
  Phil: I am trying here!
• Mitchell is hired for a job by Jay's rival, and Jay is extremely ticked off about it. When Mitchell goes to meet him, he acts decent, and even takes a picture with Mitchell. Mitchell later starts telling Jay off for not burying the hatchet with— cue a truck pulling up with said picture and the caption: "Jay Pritchett — Even your son hates you".
  Jay: (With the smuggest grin ever) You were saying?
  Mitchell: Nothing.
• Cam getting kicked out of Lily's soccer game.
• Mitch trying to pull the whistle off a Mom, but he accidentally pulls her down instead.
• The ducks imprinting on Claire instead of Phil.
  Phil: "It's not a big deal."
• At jury duty, Gloria suspects that the person on trial, and a random guy, are both guilty just from reading them.
  • Said random guy then starts looking around nervously and then bolts from the room.
• "I may be 1/64th Cherokee, but I'm also 63/64th crazy white guy!"
• When Haley, Dylan, Andy and Beth awkwardly bump into each other at the movies, they watch the movie together. The movie's plot mirrors Haley and Andy's situation, with Haley appropriately acting uncomfortable. She looks across to Andy... who's nonchalantly eating his popcorn playfully.
• Haley telling the Confession Cam about how she snuck into one of her dad's houses for a party, but accidentally left her watch next to the hot tub.
  Haley: I'm usually super careful not to leave any trace I was there, but this tub has sixteen pulsating jets and the entire floor vibrates with something called 'Swedish Release.' It took me twenty minutes to find my car in the driveway.
• Haley and Andy in Phil's house, with music playing, lights on, and the couch turning into a bed.
  • The opposite happening for Mitch and Cam, with the radio playing un-sexy noises and Mitch's unsuccessful attempt in appearing sexy.
• Mitch and Cam have a few hours spare, and they proceed to spend their time.... flipping Lily's mattress.
  Mitch: So other than Lily, we have no real reason to be alive.
• Magic Mitch
• Mitch accidentally revealing details of his sex life to his family. Cue Freak Out.
• Mitch and Cam's numerous attempts to sing 'Silent Night' at Christmas.
• "What are you guys doing? Having a staring contest? I call winners."
• "She's a stone-cold 10 and you're a Utah 7!"
• When Lily gets nervous whenever a young boy and her father come over, Cam sees she has her first crush and is overjoyed. He tells Lily how it's perfectly okay, gives her tips on winning the boy over and beaming with pride...only to realize it's the boy's father that Lily is crushing on.
• Cam's Mood Whiplash over Gloria 'breaking up' with him on the hot sauce business.
• Mitch, Cam and Lily's reaction upon hearing that ASHLEY W is coming to Lily's party.
• Pepper's anguish over being reduced to low budget quickie weddings. "If you ever had feelings for me, you'll push me out a window!"
• Phil comes home to find the house blacked out because he forgot the pay the electric bill as Haley was doing her hair and Alex doing three weeks worth of laundry. The lights come back on and Haley laughs at the shirt Alex is wearing but Alex responds by grabbing a silver plate and holding it up so Haley can gasp in horror at the reflection of her messed-up hair.
• Lily reveals she's been rsvping "no" to weddings for Mitchell and Cam because she can't stand how they dance. When they ask her why, we get a cut to her in the Confessional Cam saying "WHY?!" We then briefly see the two dancing at another wedding and it's no surprise why all the kids at Lily's table are laughing.
  Lily: Punish me, ground me, I just can't watch it again.
  Cam: We always knew there was something you wouldn't like about us.
  Mitchell: We're just glad it's something we're so good at.
  • They go about dancing as Lily tells an Asian family "if anyone asks, I'm with you."
• Phil and Claire continually lying to each other about who they're hanging out with.
• Claire and Phil's attempts to stay awake. Ultimately, Claire figures out one that works.
• Phil and Mitchell struggling to hide that they're stoned. "There's two ways we can play this..."
  • Bonus for Mitchell randomly eating a bag of chips as the conversation takes place.
  • Also, Phil continually wearing the weird mask on his head the entire time.
    • The fact that no one realizes that they're high until Jay casually points it out. Cue Oh, Crap!.
  • "Do I call her cupcake?"
• The reveal of the song that the Christian Rockers play. Cam and Mitch's faces say it all.
• Phil is freaking out when it seems Luke is sneaking girls into his bedroom. Alex replies that all the kids did it at his age...then goes into Oh, Crap! mode upon realizing she just revealed she's not a virgin either and slowly backs away.
  • And it isn't the first time that Alex accidentally revealed one of the kids lost their virginity, either.
• Phil mistaking every obvious clue of Luke having a girlfriend just for him training hard.
• Jay and Manny engaging in a hysterical fight about the difference between "double-clicking" and "clicking twice."
  • The smash-cut to Manny's confessional is what seals it:
    Manny: (laying on the couch as though speaking to a psychoanalyst) ...That's the first time I've ever used the F-word.
• It's bad enough for Alex to come home for the summer to find out no one saw her messages (and the monster drawing on the calendar) about it. It's another to constantly hear the family talk about her "dropping in without notice" constantly.
• After he retires, Jay takes to flying lessons to find something for him and Gloria to do together. When she finds out, she points out the obvious flaw in that logic:
  Gloria: You fall asleep after every meal, I'm not getting on a plane with you.
• "Dad, something's wrong. Mom's apologising!"
• "That's it, I'm drinking!"
• During their impromptu visit to New York, the Dunphys ask a passerby to take their picture... only for them to walk away with it. Alex remarks, "And now we're down to 3 phones."
• “Am I the only one who sees that these two idiots are high as kites?!”
• When Luke meets his friends, all dressed like hipsters, Phil has some thoughts.
  Phil: Luke. Um, there’s no easy way to ask this. Are you in a boy band?

  Phil Word to your mothers! Seriously, David. Tell your mom I said hi.
• While Cam is taking care of the renters upstairs, Mitch is helping people with their estates and wills. To put it mildly, it’s chaotic.
  Mitch: Today was tough.
  (Flashback)
  Mitch: (comforting old woman) There, there. And whenever you’re ready, (points to legal document) there and there.
  (Lily and her soccer team come through the door, screaming with excitement)
  Mitch: Whoa, whoa, whoa girls! No, no, no. Not a good time. Not a good time. Wasn’t daddy supposed to be driving you to our game?
  (Cam enters, with a French couple from the upstairs unit)
  Cam: Daddy’s been a little busy himself dealing with linens that no guest has ever called stratchy before.
  French woman: Is there a way to make the room not so cold? Do you know what it’s like to wake up next to your husband one morning, and he’s cold as ice?
  Old woman: (sobbing) Yes!
  Cam: Yeah, I’ll work on that while you eat breakfast. (To Mitch) Did you make the French toast?
  Mitch: Yes, it’s right on the counter.
  Cam: That’s French toast.
  Mitch: What is happening?
  Cam: I wanted regular toast for the French people.
  Mitch: Surely there was a better way to describe that.
  Cam: He’s allergic to egg, Mitchell.
  (The French man begins to cough and wheeze. Cam rushes over to the kitchen)
  Cam: Okay, w-why did you eat that? Why—Why did he eat that?
  Mitch: (To the old woman) Okay, maybe we should finish this up another time.
  (Cam starts performing the heimlich on the French man, as Lily’s soccer team throws the ball around the living room)
  Mitch: And just so you know— (the ball hits the old lady in the head) ooh! I do-I do work on referrals.
• This:
  Mitch: (interview) Seeing my big, strong Dad reach out to me in a vulnerable way, it was—it was kind of touching.
  Jay: (yelling) The red button!!!
• “All our junk is out!”
• Haley doesn’t know why Andy isn’t affectionate to her:
  Haley: (interview) I mean, a chuck on the arm? What are we, Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer? (beat) Those are people, right?
• Alex skypes Luke:
  Luke: How lazy are you? If you want to talk to us, just come downstairs.
  Alex: Luke, I’m at college. I don’t even live there anymore.
  Luke: And you have been missed.
• Cam wants to volunteer to chaperone Luke's prom, but Mitch vetoes it because they're going to see Cabaret that night.
  Mitch: I'm not missing it so I can tell some teenage girl to keep her dress on. I spent my own prom doing that.

Season 8

• After the Dunphys had spent a week in New York together, Phil and Claire decide to blow off the trip south they planned and spend more time in New York. Unbeknownst to them, Haley, Alex and Luke also decide to stay back as well, in the same hotel, no less. Both try to act normal when calling the others, however both Phil and Luke aren't quite as good as the girls in lying.
  • The kids use money they got from when Luke suffered a head injury at an unlicensed carnival. Luke says that money is for college, and then all three burst out laughing at that.
  • When Luke is wishing Phil was there to see David Blaine, Haley says, "Hey! You will never tell him about this, or we will finish what that unlicensed carnival started, okay?" Alex's nod really caps it off nicely.
• Mitch and Cam's extremely poorly-timed argument at Cam's grandmother's funeral. "Just drop it!!"
• After Phil gets trapped in a closet for 18 hours, he counts out his mints, one for each meal.
• Lily expresses her hate for the painting of Mitch and Cam in her bedroom. Mitch sums up the creepiness of the painting.
  Mitch: "It was hard for us to hear, but in the spirit of tolerance, we accepted the fact that our nine-year-old daughter might not want to fall asleep under the watchful eyes of her half-naked fathers.
• Claire's glance to the camera after Gloria shakes after saying 'salsa.'
  Jay: "Manny will be president this term, and we'll run Luke next year."
  Luke: "I'm graduating."
  Gloria: "That's the spirit."
• The original 60's Batman theme song playing every time Cam, dressed as Batman, chases after the prankster kid on Halloween.
• "My husband is going to hell, and he's trying to take us with him."
• Phil getting stuck in the sauna, eventually sliding down the glass and passing out.
• Jay and Jerry's divorce lawyer collapsing in the pharmacy and Jerry suggesting that they drink champagne.
  Phil: [holding the heart defibrillator machine] "Guys, help me out. I watch a lot of Grey's Anatomy, but I fast-forward through the non-romantic scenes."
  • And then the lawyer comes around.
    Lawyer: I'm feeling better, Pritchett. I think it was just gas.
    Jay: Better safe than sorry. [shocks him] ^note This would STOP the heart. That's what a defibrillator does, stops a fibrillating heart, which hopefully then restarts itself with a normal rhythm.
• Phil knocking Rainer to the ground.
• When Haley and Rainer start seeing each other, Phil is confused.
  Phil: When did you two set up this little rendezvous? While I was killing it on the air?
  Haley: He called me today.
  Phil: How’d he get your number?
  Haley: He said you gave it to him.
  Phil: That lying sa— uh-oh!
  • Cut to Flashback of Phil inadvertently inviting Rainer to date Haley.
• Phil getting shocked again, and the repercussions that follow.
• Phil, Gloria and Cam having a secret alliance in which they help each other out with things their partners wouldn't approve of.
  • Gloria borrowing Russian phrases that she's picked up on the playground to freak out the Russians in Mitch and Cam's upstairs house.
  • Phil again getting electrically shocked, with special mention going to his little hop over the pathway, and squashing the tomato in his hand.
  • Phil, Gloria and Cam announcing to their respective families that they are going out for "orange juice," (secretly, they are meeting up together), with the camera facing Mitch holding orange juice, looking bewildered.
    • Also, with Gloria, she just leaves her cooking there at the kitchen, taking off.
  • The twist at the end!
• Phil's jaw dropping and being elated that Jay wants to spend time with him.
  • Then, they end up in Jay's spa singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight.
• Manny's speech to his classmates at the winter dance.
  Manny: "I know you all think of me as the golden boy, the prodigy, the wunderkind."
  Classmate: "Who are you?"
• Luke and Manny's PSA-style video, with Luke cutting off Manny at every opportunity.
• Phil screaming after seeing a ride at an amusement park.
• After visiting a speech therapist, Gloria uses some speech exercises to try and speak clearer. However, she tried it for too long, and have forgotten how to speak normally, exaggerating her pronunciation of each syllable.
• Jay creates a video for Manny to submit to Juilliard, depicting his life as poverty-stricken and war-torn in order to gain the sympathy vote.
• Manny and Luke both run for Class President.
  Luke: I won!
  Manny: It was the lowest voter turnout in school history. They hated the both of us.
  Luke: But you more.
• After a goat that Joe loved dies, Gloria pretends that the goat is still alive, screaming behind the window in a very Gloria-like manner to replicate the goat's scream.
• Phil passing out on a ride with Claire.
• "Why is there a blue turkey going into the house?"
• Phil having a go on Luke's exercise equipment. As it's attached to a door, when Gloria enters the room, it snaps off and hits Phil.
• After an episode of lying to each other on things, Cam and Mitchell finally come clean on secrets from Mitchell putting a painting up to hide a hole in the wall to Cam admitting the painting only cost twenty bucks. When their cat runs in, both say in unison "That's not Larry" and then give each other shocked looks.
• Phil has the idea of recording every time Luke gets a letter from a college, to capture the moment that Luke gets accepted. Cue montage of Luke getting rejected from colleges, and the family's disappointment.
• Phil's father, Frank’s, plan for his funeral, colluding with Phil to play a tape of him shouting for help inside the coffin. He wistfully remarks "It's a shame I'm going to miss that."
• The Dunphy household becoming a Deja-vu, with Luke getting his head stuck in the banister just like he did in the pilot.
• [from a fortune cookie] "Family is a gift you receive every day." "So they're making sarcastic ones now?"
• Cam and Mitch hiring a stripper to 'arrest' Dwight.
• Cam's face swelling up after putting mud on his wasp sting.
  Cam: Like my Aunt Dot said “whether it’s bee stings or back aches, a bit of mud is good for what ails you.”
  Mitch: I don’t remember meeting an Aunt Dot.
  Cam: She died.
  Mitch interview: 15 minutes later.
• Phil breaking the shovel whilst digging a hole.
• The family arguing after spending the whole day lying to each other.
• Mitch and Cam taking some sort of sleeping drug that causes them to be completely loopy:
  Cam [looking at hats]: "We should get one for Linda!"
  Mitch: "Who?"
  Cam: "Um, our daughter."
  Mitch: "No, it's Lily."
  • Then, confusing Lily's name with Linda, then finally settling on Lucy.
• Mitch and Cam not knowing anything about Lily's personality, and being very confused when she says to them that she's popular and smart.
• "I missed the first part, but I'll drink to whatever you're toasting. Top me up." Oh, Haley.
• "I was being responsible. I was babysitting my Uncle Joe and got too drunk to drive home!"
• Everyone expecting Luke to fail his last year in high school.
  Haley: "This is the sort of thing that could ruin his first senior year."
• "Last night I was robbed."
• Jerry comes to the family’s thanksgiving:
  Claire: Phil thought it’d be a good idea if he spent the day with a happy, functional family. We couldn’t find one, so he’s coming with us.
• Cam tries to stop Sal from throwing her boyfriend’s Tony Award into the ocean.
  Water splash
  Mitch: Oh my god! Did she fall in?
  Cam: No, (Cam turns, showing him holding the Tony Award.) I’ve got her right here.
  Mitch: Aside Glance
• An Asian woman shows up at Mitch and Cam’s house. Cam assumes the worst.
  Woman: I’m here for Lily.
  Cam: (voice breaking) I always knew this day would come.
• Cam mishears a guy, thinking he’s in a band, when in actuality, he owns a dog grooming business.
  Cam: In retrospect, I didn’t need to be as alarmed by his collection of leashes and collars.
• Haley wants to use Luke’s carnival settlement money, but he insists it’s for college. After a beat, Luke, Alex and Haley all break out in laughter at the sheer absurdity of the idea.
• Haley and Alex force Phil to watch videos of Luke, in order to cry now, instead of at his graduation.
  Phil: Luke’s first haircut. He gave me bangs.
  • Then, at Luke’s graduation, Phil cried so much at home that he can’t produce any tears. It results in a deadpan “Well done, son.”
• Manny has an idea to help drum up attention for Gloria’s nacho stand:
  Manny: I can see if Phil has that thing in his car that flairs around like this. (Moves his hands up and down)
  Gloria: Claire?
  Manny: No, his Tube Dude.
• Mitch and Cam memorise speeches to empower women and use it on Haley and Sal.
  Mitch and Cam: We’re saying that you settle.
  Sal: You practise this at home, don’t you?
  Mitch and Cam: We do not.
• This moment:
  Gloria: Jay?! Jay?!
  Jay: I’m up here.
  Gloria: (Looks up to the sky) Ay, Dios mío! Your time was too short!
  Jay: I’m on the roof.
  Gloria: Ah.
• Jay is having security cameras installed, at the exact time that a black family is moving in across the street. He’s worried that he’ll appear racist.
  Gloria: Why would the neighbours just assume that you’re a racist?
  Jay: Gloria, Gloria, Gloria. You’ll never understand the stereotypes old white men face.
  • Later, Jay introduces himself.
  Shaun: I'm Shawn, by the way.
  Jay: Jay Pritchett.
  Gloria: Jay.
  Jay: It's okay, Gloria. All handled. This is my wife, Gloria. This is Shawn — and I want to get this right, beautiful African name — Shawn M'badawe.
  Shaun: I said, "By the way."
  Jay: Ah.
• Phil is being interviewed on the news and applies some makeup at home.
  Claire: What did you do to your face?
  Phil: Just a little colour to make my eyes pop. (Claire and Haley stare wide-eyed at him) Like… yours are now.
  • When he does appear on the news, he tries to stare directly down the barrel of the camera, but the camera keeps showing the other shot.
• Haley does Phil’s makeup again.
  Haley: It’s really great they’re having you back on the news.
  Phil: No, no. I’m getting a new drivers license photo.
  Haley stares at the camera, bewildered.
• Phil poses as a transfer student Rod Skyhook to energise Luke’s party. He sports some sick dance moves.
• Claire figures out the best way to get kids to leave a party. Be a mom.
• Haley has to deal with April, Rainer’s teenage daughter. Claire clearly enjoys watching her struggle.

Season 9

• All from the season premiere, "Lake Life"...
  • Cam can't go out in the sun due to his medications, so he dons an insane nun-like outfit.
  • Phil bailing on each of his jumps into the lake with Claire.
  • Cam falling off the boat.
  • Ben's Butt-Monkey status with the family.
  • "We have boat lamps."
  • Gloria referring to the lake as 'liquid graveyards'.
• Alex goes to the library one day, completely oblivious to the fact that she's not wearing any pants or underwear. Phil goes off to warn her...revealing his tighty-whities to the audience. Like father, like daughter.
• Phil, then Claire, causing the air shower to increase its power by accident, due to their choice of words.
  You fool!
• Haley says she's working at the golf club delivering drinks on a motor cart. She says it "took me some time to learn the nuances of the game." Gilligan Cut to her backing the cart onto a green right in front of a putted ball.
• Phil brings up Alex's old bicycle for her at college. For added hilarity she mowed down the flag and parked over the hole.
  Phil: She's been dropping some hints she wants some wheels.
  Claire: Are you sure she didn't mean a...
  Phil: Unicycle? No, she definitely said wheels.
• Haley not having her phone for a few days, and having an epiphany about life.
  Haley: "It's been years since I've LOL'd IRL."
• Phil, due to his failure in catching his underwear in the morning, does the laundry. We see him for a second, then the next, he's at the door after falling out of Luke's window and into the hedge.
  • His failures escalating throughout the day, culminating in Phil being at a golf course, with Gil Thorpe hitting him repeatedly with his golf balls.
• "If you two had any money, I'd sue you."
• Claire organises for a zombie attack at her work for Halloween, but her co-workers are so sick of dressing up. Once the zombies come in, they all sarcastically try to play along.
• Phil (and Claire) adore doing pranks on Halloween:
  Phil: “It’s one of the four biggest prank days of the year. It’s this, April Fools Day, and the day before April Fools Day, cause no one sees it coming.”
  Carol: “What’s the fourth?”
  Phil: “Nice try, Carol.”
• "Huh, they seem to be turning down our street." Cut to Mitch and Cam's burnt kitchen.
• Mitch being trapped behind a wall because he couldn't admit to Cam he was eavesdropping.
• Francisco not remembering Cam's name, and then Francisco revealing his name is actually Fernando.
• "Is that a... a book?"
• Joe's look to the camera after Gloria implied that he's not fun.
• Mitch and Cam teaching Pepper and Ronaldo how to parent Lionel better.
  Mitch: "Look, we've been at this parenting thing for a while now."
  Pepper: "Yeah, and Lily is ''such'' a delight!!"
• In a stunning piece of visual humour, Luke and a wealthy lady at the club become the angel and devil on Haley's shoulders.
  • Capped off by having Luke say that anything he tells Haley goes in one ear and out the other, while crossing behind her head to make it look as if he's doing just that. He even pauses while behind the head.
• Different family members confessing to giving Dede 3 drinks during Jay and Gloria's wedding 10 years ago. In total, it would be more than 9 drinks, finally giving an explanation to Dede's behavior that night.
• Cam's furious face whilst continuing to play the drums without missing a beat when he realizes that Mitch is ignoring him.
• Claire and Phil using 'Dede' as a verb for ruining something.
• Phil yells at Claire robbing him of the chance to "become a real magician, something I was born to do!" He throws a smoke bomb which barely causes a cloud before running off, stumbling as he falls into the bushes before the crowd.
• At the start of the Thanksgiving episode, Jay toasts the family on all being winners. Throughout the episode, we get the actual truth.
  • Claire accidentally taking a short-cut through the race, and thinking that people's water bottles and oranges are for her.
  • Gloria doing the salsa in an effort to get 100,000 steps in a week. Actually, she latched the fitness tracker to Claire just before her race.
  • Mitch claiming to have fought off a burglar with a mark on his head. In reality, he knocked himself out using nunchucks.
  • Cam hailed as a hero winning the football game with his coaching. He really just overheard the opposing team's play-calling on a walkie-talkie.
  Cam: Only some spineless win-at-all-costs glory-hound would choose winning over showing some moral fiber!
  (Gilligan Cut to Cam's team celebrating the win)
• Half of the family being on the new social media platform In-Seam.
• Cam and Mitch trying to get themselves on a garden renovation show, to no avail. Turns out the show was cancelled two years ago and the host works at the store they’re in.
  • The show was called: 'I Beg Your Garden?’
• After a reclusive playwright is rude to Manny, Gloria gives him a "The Reason You Suck" Speech... and makes him cry.
  Gloria: All men break the same.
• Chris Martin's guest appearance on "Brushes With Celebrity" is chock-full of absurd, self-mocking one-liners that paint him as a complete cloudcuckoolander.
  (giving fashion advice) Chris: When you're ready for it, you get a t-shirt, you put it over a long-sleeve, then it lets everybody know you own multiple shirts.
• Mitch and Cam found a fake-baby in their air vents:
  Mitch: "I think it's one of those dolls they give high school girls who are high-risk of getting pregnant."
  Cam: "When would one of those girls have been in this house?"
  *Cut to Haley's pondering face.*
• Cam explains as a kid, he was put in a "Scared Straight" program "and now that I say that out loud, I realize it could have had a double meaning."
• A student filmed Cam during detention making a fool out of himself, and it goes viral. Luke and Gloria see it, and then both like it on YouTube.
• When camping in the wild, Phil explodes his raft, damages his equipment and almost gets chased by a bear.
  Phil: "Good things I smell like berries, honey and ... raw fish, so I'm basically all three courses of a bear's favorite meal!"
• Claire worries that Phil will accidentally discharge his flare gun in the house. He assures her he won't... he activates the self-inflating raft instead.
• Phil enlists Gloria to help him with a spooky house:
  Gloria: "Now that Manny's away at college, and Joe goes to kindergarten, I have time for one of my old hobbies. Confronting the devil in all his forms."
  • Gloria immediately screaming when entering the house.
• Phil and Claire’s method of making decisions involves competing in a staring contest.
• Cam, Mitch and Pam all freaking out over having 12-year-old girls at Lily’s party.
• It turns out Luke mistook Phil winking for a signal to ruin his mom's attempts to set up a shed. It also turns out he's been doing this sort of thing a lot.
  Luke: You think Alex's cello set itself on fire?
• Mitch and Cam don’t want Phil’s last words to be “they’re gonna shave me.”
  Cam: I got this. Phil, we love you!
  Phil: I love you too. They’re gonna shave me.
  Mitch: (Beat) Well, we tried.
• Gloria's surprise that her old neighborhood is gentrified, and isn't as sketchy as it once was.
  • For instance, there are four cupcake stores. One makes them for dogs (which is the one Phil tastes).
  • The old car mechanic shop now houses an art collective, where artists make art out of yarn and LEGO pieces. The LEGO artist manages to make a very good likeness of the woman Luke was seen with last night.
• Haley's interviewer embodying every 'indie' entrepreneur.
• Phil's Insane Troll Logic to handling Luke vanishing.
  Phil: How will I tell Claire, I can't, I'll have to smother her with a pillow to spare her the pain but then Jay will have lost a daughter so I'll have to smother him too, that's two pillows from the same bed, that's a pattern, the police are after me!
• Why does Luke not come back home in "In Your Head"? He got locked out on the roof looking for the bathroom and the battery on his phone died. Phil goes to get him... and gets locked out as well.
• Cam and Mitchell try out surfing... and freak out when they think there are sharks in the water.
• "What kind of freak show goes on here when I'm not around?!"
• Cam buys a large piano, but has to return it when Mitch is fired from his job. He uses a keyboard and strategically placed cardboard boxes to create the illusion of it still being there. Then, Claire tries to climb on top of the 'piano', but falls through.
• Claire assuming the worst about Cam and Mitchell's house party:
  Mitch: "All our phones are in a bowl."
  Claire: "Eww"
  Mitch: "It's not dirty!"
• Cam's strategy of allowing himself enough time to think is to lock people in the bathroom, and take off the doorknob.
• Instead of Mitch and Cam being worried about Ronaldo, they are more excited that they have Michelle Obama’s candy dish, and that Oprah Winfrey has their number.
• Phil has a pair of bear slippers, and can’t resist making a pun.
• To her own amazement, Alex is dating a less than bright fireman. He's seen rescuing her from a blaze in her dorm room and curious to her poster of Albert Einstein. Later, when he meets Phil, the man peers and notes "you look younger than your picture."
• Mitchell nearly has a breakdown inside a sensory deprivation tank, saying "the only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that Cam was right next to me." Gilligan Cut to Cam at the Kansas City Royals spring training facility next to the spa and soon talking to George Brett.
• Over the course of a "silent meditation," Cam and Mitchell somehow manage to quietly argue then make up.
  • And then later, each believes the other admitted to being wrong.
• Phil trying to get Claire an anniversary gift, only to return to the same idea: a novelty key chain.
• Cam and Mitch having an awkward conversation with Lily’s teacher about her hitting puberty.
• Gloria's old boyfriend from 20 years ago drops by. He is not only a dead ringer for Manny in looks and build (and outfit) but also loving opera and even drinking tea with a pinkie held up. At first, one might think it's just Jay but Alex takes one look, takes off her glasses and asks "how many Mannys do you see?"
• Haley's boss makes her look like a genius.
  Nicole: What has been revered for its healing properties for millions of years?
  Assistant: Aloe.
  Nicole: Oh, 'allo to you too! But let's stay focused.
• Nicole enters to find everyone waiting for the staff meeting she called and complains "I just came from an intervention!
• Haley is dating a super-smart guy:
  Phil : Haley is dating this genius astrophysics professor who’s somehow making her smarter, because the other day I said Pluto was a planet, and she laughed at me. In pity. Haley.
• Phil does go to the basketball court four days a week, but for... robot battles.
• When Mitch and Cam are alone, one thing they enjoy is cooking breakfast naked.
• The Dunphy’s all try to dump their bad news on Claire during the one day a month she’s the most relaxed.
• ”What are you wearing?”
• Mitch’s suit matches the carpet, confusing the family. Phil even trips over him.
• Phil’s outtakes on Manny and Jay’s film.
• “A lawyer?! Ew!”
• Gloria and Cam ruin Joe’s classroom party by inadvertently inviting strippers to entertain.
• Margaret is excited because they have a machine that makes every kind of soda:
  Claire: “But you’re diabetic... and a grown-up.

Season 10

• Mitch and Cam try to edit a video of Cal to Pam to show her how well he’s going. In one shot, they have Cal throw a ball, then play it in reverse to seem like he’s catching a ball. It would have worked, if the cat jumping wasn’t in the shot.
  Cam: My sister Pam is paying off a debt...
  Mitch: To society, she's in prison.
• They note their work.
  Cam: Mitchell is molding young Cal's brain while I handle the boy's body.
  Mitch: It's a miracle we're not in prison.
• Alex retires to the couch during the summer, and recruits Claire into doing it too.
• Manny has been having issues with his cross-country trip due to his fear of...bridges.
• Phil has been training Luke for a hot dog eating contest...which includes waking him up in the middle of the night in a giant hot dog suit.
• “Did you peck a pickled Pepper?”
• The whole family has no idea why they’re all gathered at Jay and Gloria’s place. Is it Manny’s welcome home party? Did Alex win an award? Is it someone’s birthday?
  • Brought up at the end of the episode of Jay telling them all of the mix up and "we see each other too much as it is, we cannot afford to keep coming together for no reason!"
• Phil and Jay Mean Girls-ing and Legally Blonde-ing each other.
• Luke jumps into the pool to avoid telling Jay the truth about his meat.
• Mitch and Cam have a deep conversation before taking their issue “to the room.” The camera follows them a few steps into the living room, where Mitch says, “I assume you all heard that”, and everyone agrees.
• There have been conflicting reports about Dylan’s whereabouts.
  Cam: I heard he ate Mentos and a Coke and exploded.
• The Running Gag of Alex bringing up how often she's sleeping with her fireman boyfriend just as Phil walks in to give a horrified look before walking away.
• “That’s the gayest thing I’ve ever heard, and I shampooed dogs in West Hollywood.”
• “Am I wrong, or is your Mom trying to get Alex to come out of the closet?”
• Jay does not approve of the laid-back work atmosphere of Claire's new company.
  Jay: How many heart attacks have you had here? Zero! Where am I?
• Phil talks about the importance of eye contact whilst accidentally scribbling on the wall.
• Dylan exclaims “you broke my heart!” when Phil charges at him when he’s in a heart costume.
• Phil wants Haley to give Dylan some closure, referring to him under the alias of Haley’s doll:
  Haley: Well, I did sleep with that thing since I was, like, 16.
  Phil: (shocked) 16?
  Arvin: 16?
  Claire: Oh no!
• Mitch and Cam discuss how awful kids are:
  Mitch: They ruin everything!
  (Lily gives them a Death Glare)
  Mitch: ...except your life
  Lily: Nice save.
• Phil and Claire’s reaction to Haley choosing Dylan over Arwin.
  Claire: We’re not going to retire, are we?
  Phil: Nope.
• "Good Grief", the Halloween Episode that reveals that Dede has died, is nevertheless full of funny moments.
  • Phil, dressed as a fly, getting caught in a prop spiderweb.
  • The Running Gag of the legs on Claire's spider costume getting in the way of people trying to hug her.
  • Phil's attempt at reassuring words being interrupted by the novelty chime he installed for Halloween.
  Cam: I'm sure she's surrounded by loved ones saying...
  Chime: Welcome to Hell!
  • Haley reacts by binge eating, which briefly makes her smarter because, as Alex points out, "you're not starving yourself."
  • Haley and Luke decide to check in on Alex, thinking "she's taking this hard." They walk in to find Alex and her boyfriend having sex.
  • Phil and Cam are caught in traffic in North Hollywood. A cop tells them that it's because of the gay Halloween parade. He turns around to reveal that he's wearing short leather pants.
  • Dede had dolls of herself made as Christmas presents. Gloria, who fears that DeDe might haunt her, keeps finding them wherever she goes. In the end it turns out that Lily was putting them there to mess with her. She also took Jay's sandwich.
  • The couples Halloween costumes, especially Mitch and Cam as Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, respectively.
• Phil completely oblivious to how he was used as an agent for the KGB sending photos of military fences to someone in the Soviet Union.
• Claire claims Alex can't wear contacts because "of her incessant eye rolling."
• The farcical plotline involving Phil, Paige, Luke and Claire.
• Dylan asks if Haley is sure her baby is his.
  Haley: Yes, I did the math.
  Dylan: The last time you did the math, we accidentally left behind a $300 tip.
  • As they leave, Haley "does the math' and leaves a $50 tip for a $13 meal.
• Dylan proposes to her.
  Dylan: Picture us walking down the aisle, a breathtaking vision in virginal white and you wearing whatever you want.
• Phil talks to Mitchell at a gay sports bar about "the guy with a beard." Mitchell responds "there's no women allowed in here."
• Manny and his college friends help Cam and Jay speak with more sensitivity. First, they discuss using the correct pronouns.
  Manny: I’m cis-gender. He/Him.
  Person 1: She/Her
  Person 2: They/Them
  Person 3: Oh, I’m not here to bust chops. Bob is fine.
• Nicole mistaking Haley's sandwich for a party sub. ”Bring a knife so we can cut this into 20 pieces!”
• Alex and Gloria go shopping for sexy clothes. Claire finds out and tries to be cool with Alex’s sexuality; the scene oozing with awkwardness:
  Claire: Can I just say, I am so comfortable with your sexuality.
  Alex: Can I just say that your comfort with my sexuality has made me more comfortable with my sexuality.
  Gloria: Can I just say, that if I had my gun in my purse, I would shoot myself.

  Haley: Her sexual awakening has been tough on all of us.

• Cam and Jay are required to get some sensitivity training:
  Jay: What we need is advice from someone who played football, but also is a namby-pamby millennial weirdo.
  (Cut to Manny)
• In her will, Dede gives Claire her car.
  Claire: I lost my virginity in this car.
  Phil: What’s that now?
• Haley finds her old doll and is worried that she might not make a good mother, which is acerbated by the doll getting mishandled (catching fire, being dropped from a window) by her carelessness.
• Mitch and Cam continually leave behind Lily and Cal.
  (singing)
  Mitch & Cam: Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la la la la la. Tis the season to be jolly. Fa la la la la la la la la. Don we now our gay apparel. (both look out the door and realise the kids aren’t there.) ''Fa la la la la la la la la.''
  Cam: Did we leave the kids at Claire’s house? Fa la la la la la la la la.
  Mitch: (Face Palm) Lily really needs a cellphone. Fa la la la la la la la la.
• Phil has to find the same wrapping paper to replace the gifts.
  Phil: Where am I supposed to—- (spots a giant present with that exact wrapping paper)
  Choir:''Hallelujah! Hallelujah!''
• Alex shows the effect of keeping Haley's secret by pulling off her hat.
  Dylan: Wow, your hair is grey.
  Haley: Oh, it is. I was gasping over the haircut.
• Lily wishes for a cellphone for Christmas, and Cam gives her his and promises that if she can take care of it for a day, she can have one. Thanks to Phil causing chaos at the mall, a train hits Lily, flinging the phone out of her hands and into the water.
• The flashback of last Christmas where Claire tried to cook a whole turkey in just an hour.
• Haley's pregnancy is taking a toll on Claire...
  Haley: Is Mom still in there making that judgy face?
  Phil: Haley, you've known her for twenty-five years. Just call it her face.
  • Phil notes how there's been "nausea, mood swings, trouble sleeping, Claire's got it all."
  • Phil tries to cheer Claire up.
  Phil: Look at the positive. One of our kids is finally moving out.
  Claire: After that pregnancy test, I've had enough positives.
• Dylan recounts his jobs throughout the years.
  Dylan: I’ve been a limo driver, a lead singer, a ranch hand, a Dapper Dan at Disneyland, a t-shirt designer, a sign spinner, and now a nurse with a baby on the way.
• Phil and Claire repeatedly mistranslating their Italian, to hilarious results.
• Cam’s parents didn’t do much in terms of educating him about sex:
  Cam: They just sent me to the stables when the horses were breeding, and wow, did that create some unreasonable expectations.
  Mitch: WTF face
• Dylan’s Mom embodying as much craziness as one would expect.
• Jay tries to Skype in a meeting. In typical Jay fashion, it goes hilariously awry.
• Claire's voice is put into the automatic computer voice for the new walk-in closet. Jay, of course, assumes it's Claire talking to him when he enters the mock-up and carries on an argument, not grasping he's talking to a computer voice.
  • Later, Phil enters the closet and mistakes Claire's intercom voice for "sexy talk." Her commands to "take off your clothes" are taken by him doing a strip tease. Meanwhile, outside the closet, Phil is telling Claire a practical joke is perfectly okay with others. He walks into the closet...and walks right back out, saying "well played" to Claire, who has no idea what's going on.
• Cam and Mitch discover their couple name is either Citch or Mam.
• Lily enjoys screamo music, much to the chagrin of her dads.
  Cam: She’s gonna kill us someday.
• Through a series of misunderstandings, Dylan overhears the family talking and assumes they want him to leave.
  Cam: (tasting chilli) Why the hell is dill in here?
  Dylan storms out the door.
• Alex invites a heavily-pregnant woman, Danelle, to Haley’s baby shower to make Haley feel better, as she’s suffering through weight gain, bald spots and leg hair growing “faster than I can shave it.” When Danelle arrives, she’s absolutely radiant, wearing heels and sprouting thick hair, infuriating Haley.
• Jay calls out to someone he thinks is Dylan. It turns out to be a girl.
  Jay: That's the third time I've done that!
• Luke and Phil set up a raffle for the super bowl. They price one ticket at the straightforward price of $3.75, confusing them for the whole episode on how much people owe them.
• “I need everyone to put their wallets in this pillowcase, and turn and face the wall!”
• Lily texts her friend on Mitch’s phone. Problem is, they’re fighting, and Mitch believes the threatening texts are coming from an escaped prisoner. Getting the text “I’m right outside your house” prompts Mitch to venture outside, only to scream when he’s greeted by an 11-year-old girl.
• “So, nobody’s wondering why Uncle Phil is starring in a laundromat movie?!”
• Manny’s expletive-filled outburst on his movie set.
• Phil grabs a piece of Haley’s hair and it falls out.
• Phil has the line “I’m so cold” in Manny’s film. He manages to say every single variation, ultimately causing Manny’s boiling aggravation.
  I’m f-f-freezing.

  Could it be any colder?

  Fur hat weather, no?

  Brrr. Am I right?
  • He also said “Me cold”, “I’m not not cold” and “ice,ice, baby.”
  • Then, in the actual film, Manny settled on Phil saying “It’s chilly.”
• Somehow, while doing "sleep magic," Phil put his phone...into a melon.
• Manny comes to help Lily deal with her first period. To put it mildly, he’s not helpful.
  Manny: Each cramp, each migraine should remind you—
  Lily: Get the (bleep) out of here Manny!!!
• Once, Mitch and Cam tried to talk with Lily about her body, but as soon as Lily stated “Can we just not,” they quickly take off.
• After making a huge show to Jay on getting a big offer from a cookie company, Claire discovers the new heads are the sons of the CEO (busted for sexual harassment)...who are total idiots...whose only job was to taste test cookies...who tell Claire they're in trouble with the FDA and her first job as new CEO would be to testify before Congress on corruption in the company.
  Claire: Guys, this is a lot to take in.
  Boss: Well, I think we know what that means... Welcome to Uncle Ned’s!
• Phil's severely sleep-deprived and has to shoot a house video. In classic Phil style, it massively fails.
• Gloria embodying all the characteristics of a cliche white woman.
• Phil assures the guys that the lock in the cabin is top quality... just as a gust of wind blows the door open.
• Haley’s weight gain is causing complications with the facial recognition program at her work:
  Computer: (using face recognition) Good morning, Wayne!
  Haley: Wayne?! I’m not Wayne, you jerk.
  Haley eats a chip off her desk, causing the exercise ball she’s sitting on to burst.
• Cam packed multiple outfits for the woods to satisfy his one Instagram follower.
• Phil takes a tiny, little bite of a pepper and starts dying as the effects take hold.
• Claire babysits Lily, much to Cam’s surprise, as he’s “never seen those two talk.”
• A classic misunderstanding takes place, with the same woman being at Jay and Gloria’s, with Jay, Gloria and Claire confusing why she is there, and dating who.
  • Before that, Jay is trying to organize a strike from the golfers against the bocce players at his course. He approaches a woman and asks if "she's a swinger" and "our way of life is under attack" and then if she wants a "foursome."
  • Claire somehow thinks Manny is the one sleeping with an elder neighbor as he talks about him doing Shakespeare and "loving old things" with "kissing a shrew."
  • Jay then assumes that woman wants him for the foursome.
  • It all culminates in everyone finding out Luke is the one sleeping with a neighbor. And Claire just has a gorgeous Screw This, I'm Outta Here reaction
• Mitch regrettably attends a lecture, surrounded by the elderly.
  Mitch: I sat there, dying of boredom, surrounded by people... dying of natural causes.
• “Aw geez. Why don’t they just elope?”
• When Haley and Dylan try to quietly elope, Claire catches wind of it. What starts out as an intimate affair turns into a full circus as more and more people arrive.
• Gloria, Manny and Joe are horrified when Jay tries to entice a famous dog for his dog beds.
  Joe: (To Manny) At least he’s not your real father.
• Cam and Mitch enthusiactly sing a song from Sophie’s Choice:The Musical.
  Lily: This is why I can’t have friends over!
  • On that, just imagine someone actually making Sophie's Choice into a musical.
  • When they’re forced to choose between attending Haley’s wedding or going to the musical, they comment that “it’s the cruelest decision anyone’s ever been forced to make.”
  • The dog owner also invited remarks on how "I would kill my entire family to see that musical."
• Dylan’s Mom and Phil both want to officiate the wedding, and Farrah suggests they settle it over a game of acorns.
  Phil: Best of three. What am I doing?
• Luke’s tinder date keeps inserting herself into the drama.
  Annabelle: Haley, I know that you’re upset, but this is your family.
  Haley: Who are you??!!
• Cam only has 5 minutes to read out 400 names before the sprinklers go off. He gets off to a cracking pace but then...
  Cam: I got to the Polish names.
• After the In Memoriam piece:
  Cam: Wow, that is a lot of deceased for one year. We should probably have the police check into that.
• Due to Phil accidentally letting out the balloons, this mishap happens:
  Cam: As these balloons fill the sky, know that each one of them represents a student who has personally inspired me and filled me with hope for a better tomorrow.
  Two balloons pathetically rise
• The Running Gag of Phil and Claire trying to brag about Alex, just as Luke and Haley demonstrate how dumb they are.
• Following finals, Alex and her friends get a little wild.
  All: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
  • It turns out they’re just chanting for their friend to hack into the restricted section of the library.
  • And they found a legendary theorem that states math doesn't really matter. Naturally, this transforms Alex into a maniac, frazzled mess wandering the streets and babbling nonsense on time.
• Of all people, it's Haley and Luke who get Alex back on track as they realize she's worried about what life without school is like. How do they help? By stating that if they can survive the real world, surely a genius like Alex can too. The looks on everyone's faces are priceless.
• Phil declares he has to keep himself "mentally challenged." Everyone else just shares looks.
• Gloria hates when her birthday is celebrated. Case in point: When Manny greets her with a cake, she grabs the tap and hoses down the candles.
• Haley was worried that Cam would reveal to everyone that she is pregnant. She snaps.
  Haley: Now you listen to me. My roller-coastering hormones can not handle another lecture from my mother right now, so you are going to tell me a secret that I will reveal to EVERYONE if you EVER SPILL MINE!!
• On Claire’s birthday, her collection of gifts consist of items meant to help calm her down, as they all feel she’s far too uptight.
  • Gloria then gives her a vibrator.
    • At Cam’s birthday, seeing Claire still being tense, Gloria comments that she doesn’t think Claire’s “been using my gift.”
• As Joe shares his birthday with Manny, he always tries to get the most attention.
  Joe riding his new bike
  Joe: Look! No hands!
  Jay: Way to go, kid!
  Gloria: Bravo, Papi!
  Phil riding his unicycle
  Phil: Hey guys! Check it out! Unicycling to my piano lesson.
  Gloria: (clapping) Wow! We’re so proud of you!
  Jay: Now, that’s impressive!
  Phil: Happy Birthday Joe!
  Joe: (throws his helmet on the ground) It was!
• For Manny’s birthday, he puts on a talent show.
  Cam: This is a disaster! We didn’t prepare anything!
  Gilligan Cut to Cam and Mitch singing a song with well-rehearsed choreography.
  Claire: I cant believe they had matching vests in their car.
  • Phil plays the first few notes of Fur Elise, before making one mistake.
  Phil: I KNEW I WASN’T READY!!
  • Haley’s talent is typing sentences fast on her phone.
  • The return of Uncle Grumpy and Luke playing the banjo.

Season 11

• The normal chaos of the Dunphy household exacerbated by crying infant twins.
  • To get them to sleep, Phil and Haley sing reworded lullabies about real estate.
• Dylan explains one kids' name.
  Dylan: We call this one George because he came out curious...like Boy George.
• Somehow, Luke has missed the fact Alex has been gone for a month.
  Luke: Wait, so that's my hair in the drain?
• Cam being oblivious to the double entendres as he speaks to some students:
  Cam: I don’t wanna finger a bunch of kids. That’s not how I get my jollies.
• Cam chats to his students to figure out who stole his statue.
  Susie: We didn’t take your stupid clown!
  Cam: Interesting you know it’s a clown, Susie.
  Susie: You said it three times, Cameron.
  Cam: It’s Vice Principal Tucker. Show some respect. I’m not your Mom’s pimp!
  • When one of his students wants to get home:
    Cam: I’ve read your file Belinda. No one knows or cares where you are.
• Claire’s numerous attempts to get the family out of the house for her photo shoot.
• When the interviewer asks Claire if they can meet the family, she responds:
  Claire: Hell no!! This was for the cover of Corner Office Magazine. That’s basically Vogue for female [[CEO’s]]. Lately, my family has seemed more suited to a gator-farm billboard.
  Gilligan Cut to the babies screaming and Haley and Dylan singing and banging a tray
• Phil has been binging a series about female killers called Snapped, and it’s making him a little paranoid.
  Phil: I probably like it cause I know I have nothing to worry about when it comes to —— (Claire sneezes)
  Phil screams, accidentally squirting milk on Haley and causing the babies to cry
  Haley: Dad!
• The family hiding from Haley because they have gotten tired of dealing with her and the twins. And then from Phil when he asks to show them his latest magic act.
• Phil is wearing a straitjacket for his magic act.
  Phil: Does this look perfect on me?
  Alex: More and more.
• Mitchell comes home from supposedly going to run up the stairs at Santa Monica with the name "Wilson" imprinted on his face; he had stopped to ogle at some volleyball players and got hit by the ball. Then he confesses he doesn't know where the stairs are.
• Mitchell scolds Cam for going to a Cher-inspired drag show without him. “Every Cher experience should be a shared experience."
• Haley recognises the liquor store because,
  Haley: I’ve been going there since I was 15... minutes past my 21st birthday.
• When Cam, Mitch and Lily go to a pool party, they’re shocked that it’s filled with young, attractive gay men.
  Longines: Calm down! You aren’t even close to the oldest ones here.
  Points to an old man
  Cam & Mitch: (relieved) Oh!
  Old man takes off robe to reveal a six-pack
  Cam: Ok. My grandma was right. I ended up in hell.
• Phil concludes that Gil Thorpe must be stealing his realtor signs.
  Phil: A man tells you enough times he’s going to thorpedo your career, you start to believe he might be doing something thrrible. Well, not this time. (Realises what he just said)
• When Phil tries to investigate his rivalry realtors by pretending to work other jobs, they assume he’s quit being a realtor.
  • Phil trying to intimidate Gil by posing as his barber fails because... well, he's Phil.
• Flashback of Alex in Antarctica freaked out by a penguin, calling it a "disgusting snow chicken".
• "I haven't felt this white since I loved the movie Green Book".
• The perfect renters move into the Tucker-Pritchett’s upstairs apartment. Gradually, Mitch and Cam feel less-than, with the renters constant exercise, disgusting kale smoothies and considering celery a cheat-day food.
• Cam and Mitch try to encourage Lily to love herself:
  Cam: You are an exotic Vietnamese beauty. Scarlett Johansson would play you in a movie until Twitter told her she couldn’t.
• Phil and Claire watch a scary movie together. Naturally, Phil screams frequently... whilst Claire doesn’t even flinch.
  Phil: Something is wrong with you!
• Lily is sick of her dads bombarding her with questions:
  Lily: Can you adopt a second child to take some of this off of me?!
• Phil concocted an elaborate plan to finally scare Claire, complete with staging a fake person to ensure plausibility.
  • He dons an old lady costume to convince Claire and gets scared when he catches a glimpse in the mirror.
  • And now that he's scared her, Claire compliments on how "twisted" he's becoming and now expects these Halloween scares to be an annual thing, something to do after the kids leave the house. The dawning horror on Phil's face is priceless.
    Phil: Can't we just travel?
• Gloria is horrified beyond words that her worst nightmare has come true: She's now old enough that people in public automatically assume Jay is...her husband.
• Luke's discovery that his simple tiny little prank on a neighbor years ago set off a domino effect that led to his current girlfriend being dumped by her husband and losing a fortune. She is not happy.
• Phil seems okay with Luke dropping out of college for a job.
  Phil: What world would we be living in if all parents forced their children to stay in school and not pursue their dreams? No Steve Jobs. No Mark Zuckerberg. No Cindy Crawford.
  Claire: Steve Jobs put a computer in everyone's pocket. Luke almost died taking off his hoodie on an escalator.
• Cam is upset that the mascot is imitating his coaching gestures behind his back. Comparing sports mascots to clowns pushes his Berserk Button.
• Dylan tells Gloria that if she has trouble telling the twins apart, she can take their diapers off, as he put the child's name in one of them. The twins are different sexes.
• Jay calling Dylan "New Phil".
• Claire's assistant acting like the Dunphy's home is some sort of palace.
• Jay takes Phil to fly his model airplane. Phil is keen to have a better time than before.
  • Instead of Jay flying the plane into Phil's face, Phil flies it into his own face.
• Gloria calls in a favour from Luke, waking him up in bed.
  Luke: Why’d you bring a crowbar?!
  Gloria: No reason.
• Haley tries to cook Thanksgiving dinner, but is unable to. Claire states this gem:
  Claire: Luke, anything you don’t need dental records to identify, save.
• The family, in typical fashion, failing at guessing Mitch’s turn at charades. To be fair, Mitch can’t cry on cue.
• At Christmas, everyone requests to be moved from where Cam has put their place cards. Exasperated, he tosses the cards up in the air.
• Phil’s grand design of his and Gloria’s real estate business is a bus bench stating they have “2020 vision”.
• “Insensitive, old, white men. What would Christmas be without one?!”
• Cam announces that it could be the last Christmas they’re all together.
  Everyone: What?
  Dylan: Oh my god. You’re dying?!
  Cam: No, I’m not dying. It’s something else.
  Overly long pause
  Luke: ...Is he pausing to be dramatic?
  Mitch: What do you think?!
• Gloria implies that Claire is a tramp:
  Phil: No one calls my wife loose. In her day, did she enjoy the company of a few men? Sure. Is it hard to leave the house without running into one of her ex-lovers? Depends on what city we’re in. Her body. Her choice. All over this beautiful planet.
• Mitch and Haley struggle to figure out why Cam’s parents bought him a first-class ticket.
  Haley: Aren’t they poor? Don’t they like eat plants and animals they find in their yard?
  Mitch: They’re farmers.
• “For a family of generally lovely people, we sure have a lot of rivals.”
• Cam’s latest voicemail is taken from when he saw Snoop Dog at a bank.
  Voicemail: Sorry I missed you. As you can see...
  Snoop Dog: I’m busy!
  Voicemail: and sometimes things can...
  Snoop Dog: Get away from me!
  Voicemail: Please leave a message, including your phone number, just for...
  Snoop Dog: Security!
• "The Prescott" is a tour de force of old-styled comedic farce: the family play on how each has a different ridiculous reason to all be at the same posh hotel from Gloria confronting her "mortal fear' of going on a waterslide to Claire getting her hair done by Gloria's "sworn enemy" to Manny and Luke somehow ending sharing a hot tub with David Beckham and Courtney Cox to Jay stalking Beckham to Claire mistaken for Posh Spice by Cam and Mitchell.
• Manny is going down a mall escalator with a mariachi band, hoping to wow an old crush. When Cam tells him to abort, they start walking up the escalator, which as you can imagine, means they go nowhere fast.
• This exchange:
  Manny: 11-year-old Manny would be disgusted by me.
  Lily: Now you know how 12-year-old Lily feels.
• Gloria helps Cam with a teacher who keeps trying to undermine him by trying out the same dresses she is. She doesn't even try to show off; the teacher just looks at the taller, curvier Gloria filling out the dresses better than she can and she breaks into tears.
  • Cam returns the favor by helping Gloria get rid of a rival realtor; He shows up as a crude hillbilly neighbor and has Lily and Manny pose as his equally uncouth children.
• Jay brings home a puppy and is worried that Gloria will get mad at him. When she gushes about it instead, Jay turns to Joe and says "It's not your fault." He's actually talking to Stella, which prompts an exasperated look from Joe.
• Kenneth is filming a documentary about tech giants and their mentors, and Phil’s worried about how rejecting his offer to go to space will look.
  Phil: I’ll look like a coward in that documentary. ''Looks into camera''
• Jay won't visit Notre Dame in Paris.
  Jay: I saw it before it was a shell of itself. Seeing it now would be too depressing.
  Cam: I know just what you mean. That's why I never go to Sears.
• Claire travels to Paris and meets up with an old boyfriend from her college days. Meanwhile, Phil had planned to surprise her by showing up, and they both end up waiting for her at the same table of the same café. What's more, the French boyfriend happens to be a magic geek like Phil, and the two hit it off, leaving Claire in the lurch.
  • At the end of the episode, the whole family is in a restaurant, and the waiter happens to be another one of Claire's flings.
• Fizbo vs. Fizbeau.
• Mitchell walking the streets of Paris and being instantly identified as American, even by a man dressed in the same outfit as him.
• Claire reassures Haley that kids get hurt all the time, as demonstrated by Luke.
  Claire: And he’s fine...ish.
  Haley: I love the guy, but we’re aiming a little bit higher than Luke.
• Jay takes the maximum amount of pills, making him very emotional.
• After a montage of Phil getting injured:
  Phil: I mean, sure, I can no longer taste salt, but...
• Jay and Gloria not recognising Dylan.
  Dylan: Who does everybody think I am?!
• Mitch and Cam discuss the pros of adopting another baby:
  Cam: Another child would help us figure out how much of Lily’s personality is our fault, and what’s on her.
• “I can see you both having a delightful misunderstanding here.”
• The Dunphy kids throw a party that dissolves into chaos- Haley jumps and breaks the piano, causing Luke to spill his drink and start a fire on the carpet.
  • When he tells the others at the party to put the fire out, they pour their alcohol on it.
• Guy with python: "Why do people only want to talk about my snake?"
• Cam tells Mitchell, "That's your last eye roll in this house." Followed by Lily eyerolling.
• Cam planned to present the baby on a basket floating on balloons. He tests it on the cat first, and Lily has to quickly keep the cat from floating away when Cam rushes to get the baby, who got delivered early.
• Mitch and Cam are freaking out too much to realise that Lily is with them. Every time she speaks, they scream.
• To find a python egg, Phil dons a bunny costume.
  Haley: What’s with the bunny suit?
  Phil: Well, I needed a plausible reason to be out in the yard.
  Luke: It’s your house.
• When Gloria accidentally breaks one of the boxes of the Tucker-Pritchett’s: “Those things were broken before we packed them.”
  • Add mover to Gloria's list of past jobs, with Mitchell Hanging A Lampshade on how unlikely they are.
• On Gloria's suggestion, Mitchell says goodbye to their old house. Eventually he gets so into it that he starts dancing to "I've Had the Time Of My Life".
  • Cameron is upset that Mitchell was "Time-Of-My-Life-ing without me."
• The Grand Finale begins with Phil and Claire in the RV, presumably out exploring the country. It is then revealed that the RV is still in their driveway, and they've been hiding from the kids.
  • Without Phil and Claire there, Haley, Alex, Dylan and Luke have let the house go to pot. No one has done the shopping so they're reduced to eating cold oatmeal with baby formula for breakfast. With the laundry not getting done, Haley has been wearing swimsuits as underwear and is considering cutting leg holes on the shower cap. And with the four of them, plus the twins, the house is far too crowded.
  • When Claire says that there are too many people living in their house, the twins look at each other.
• Haley and Alex play one last prank on Luke, tricking him into recreating a video of him playing a dog when he was six that they made hoping to convince their parents to buy them a dog.
• Cam and Mitchell decide to stay in their new home and not move to Missouri. Then Sal arrives, announcing that she has a place nearby (actually her cousin's, where she crashes on occasion) and will come visit them often. They then decide to move to Missouri after all.
• Claire and Mitchell's prize-winning skate routine set to "Hungry Like the Wolf", which turns out to be more sexual than they remember.
  Claire: I’m starting to think we won for the wrong reasons.
• Cam and Mitchell's plane to Missouri keeps getting delayed for the strangest reasons: tornadoes, hail, locusts...
  Mitchell: What part of the Old Testament are we moving to?
• During the final group hug, everyone is crying and no one is willing to break it up. Phil volunteers to be the first to let go. He lasts less than a second before going back in. "It was awful!"
• "This is so embarrassing. I just realised Ronaldo was offering me quiche."
• Gloria tricks Claire into doing her housework for her.
• This:
  Haley: So, what’s up with you and Cam? I’m sensing tension.
  Haley (interview): I didn’t sense any tension. I was just looking for some drama and figured it was a safe bet.
  Mitchell: There is tension!
  Haley looks into camera
• Phil and Frank test the latter’s car jack invention.
  Phil: Why is it still going?
  Frank: How hard did you press start?
  Phil: Well, that shouldn't matter!
  Frank: Well, just press "end task.”
  Phil: Okay.
  Frank: But only on the right side of the button.
  Phil: Why wouldn't you tell me that first?! Sweet maker! (The car flips over)
  Frank: Hmm. Everybody warned me this would happen.

Other

• Here is the clip advertising Modern Family that was shown at the Emmys. While it's not canon and breaks the fourth wall, it still hits the characterization and tone of the series perfectly. And it's hilarious.
• Both of the Oscars Charades promos. Particularly the second one.
• The Lily is a Monster sketch from the 2012 Emmys.

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