Black Comedy fills this movie to the brim.
WARNING: Spoilers are unmarked.
- Our re-introduction to Alan Grant: He tries to interact with Ellie's son Charlie who is playing with toy dinosaurs:Grant: No, Charlie, those are herbivores, they... wouldn't be fighting with each other. [picks up toy Velociraptors and a toy Tyrannosaur] Now these...these are carnivores, and they really like fighting with each other. They'll use their teeth and claws to rip each other's throats out! [making sounds of dinosaurs fighting]Ellie: [walks up] Alan, he's three. Let's wait until he's five.Grant: [sheepishly] Uh, sorry, Charlie.
- Grant addressing his audience after a lecture:Symposium Leader: Now, are there any questions?[Every hand in the audience goes up]Grant: [sighs, mentally counts to ten, then forces a smile] Fine. Does anyone have a question that does not relate to Jurassic Park?[Most of the hands go down]Grant: Or the incident in San Diego, which I did not witness?[All hands go down but one]
- It's amusing to realize that Grant gets a lot more people attending his lectures ever since the San Diego incident.
- While on the plane to Isla Sorna, Billy turns to Cooper, a muscular, sunglasses-wearing mercenary, and asks how he knows the Kirbys. Cooper responds with a humorously unconvincing answer:Cooper: Uh, from our church.
- Grant's nightmare on the plane, featuring a talking Velociraptor.Billy's Voice: Alan!
- What makes it more hilarious is, if you look closely at the thumbnail picture, it has its hands on the headrest in front of it, making it look like it's sitting in the seat across the aisle like a passenger waiting for the plane to land!
- Paul's apologetic grimace as Grant gets knocked unconscious by Cooper on the plane as he protests against the group landing on Isla Sorna.
- Amanda calls for Eric through a bullhorn, and Grant tells Paul that what she's doing is a very bad idea, which Paul relays to Amanda, who responds while still using the bullhorn.Amanda: What?! What's a bad idea?!
- And immediately after, everyone hears a ferocious roar.
- Becomes a Brick Joke when Grant and the Kirbys finally make it to the shore, they see a suited man calling for Grant with a bullhorn and rush toward him, yelling to him that what he's doing is "a very bad idea."
- During the Spinosaurus's attack on the crashed plane, Paul runs out of the wreckage, calling for Amanda who tried to flee. The Spinosaurus roars, and Paul hauls ass back into the plane.
- After escaping from the Spinosaurus (for the time being), Grant, the Kirbys, Billy, and Udesky come across a rotting dinosaur carcass. Grant assures the rest of the group that the animal is dead... then a Tyrannosaurus rex raises its head from behind the carcass. Everyone freezes and stares back at the dinosaur in fear, and Grant calmly instructs them to not move. The T. rex unleashes a roar, and everyone but Grant takes off running in opposite direction.Grant: Shit! [takes off]
- As the Spinosaurus and the Tyrannosaurus engage in their Curb-Stomp Battle, the group flees, but Grant ends up falling into a hollow log, and he screams his head off as the T. rex steps on the log.
- Grant obviously punching Paul after the Spinosaurus/T. rex fight. Followed by this exchange, almost certainly a poke at viewers who weren't paying enough attention in the last two movies:Grant: Alright, but why me?Paul: (points at Udesky) He said we needed someone who'd been on the island before.Udesky: Yes. But I did not tell you to kidnap someone!Grant: (exasperatedly) I have never been on this island.Paul: Sure you have! You wrote that book!Billy: That was Isla Nublar, this is Isla Sorna. Site B.Udesky: You mean there's two islands with dinosaurs on them?Paul: Alright, you stay out of this!
- After Grant announces his intentions to head for the shore with Billy rather than help the Kirbys find their son:Paul: [to Udesky] So...what do we do?Udesky: Well, we search for your son...in the direction that they're going.Paul: Excellent. Excellent.[Paul, Amanda, and Udesky quickly hurry after Grant and Billy]
- After Paul reveals that "Kirby Enterprises" is nothing more than a hardware store and the big check he wrote for Grant is worthless, he offers to make it up to them by re-doing his bathroom or kitchen.Paul: [hesitatingly] 30,000 feet. We were pretty close to the top.Billy: You were about 1,000 feet above it, actually.Paul: No, no. That's a common misconception.Grant: Mr. Kirby, there's no such thing as Kirby Enterprises, is there?Paul: It's Kirby's Paint and Tile Plus. The "Plus" stands for bathroom fixtures; we're in the Westgate Shopping Center in Enid, Oklahoma.Billy: So I don't suppose that check you wrote us is any good.Paul: Alright, now, now—Grant: This is good.Paul: Listen to me. I will pay you the money, no matter what...Grant: This is good! Here we are on the worst place on earth, and we're not even being paid!Paul: Alright, now wait, fellas. Hold on. I'll make this up to you. If you ever do a bathroom or a kitchen...
- Grant grumbling about their situation.Grant: [to Billy] If I lose you, it's just me and the damn tourists.
- While squabbling with Amanda, Paul somehow gets the name "Tricycloplots" out of "Spinosaurus", arguably one of the easiest dinosaur names to memorize and pronounce.
- Udesky's remark to Grant and Billy as the Kirbys argue:Udesky: If we split up, I'm going with you guys.
- In the abandoned InGen compound, Paul tries to use the vending machines. While he fumbles for exact change, Billy simply walks up into one vending machine and opens it by breaking the glass pane with his foot, allowing himself to swipe snacks for everybody. Upon seeing this, Paul tries to do the same on another vending machine he's standing next to, but this fails as the pane on that one happens to be unbreakable plastic, and Paul limps away painfully.
- This exchange while Grant and Eric are hiding in the truck:Grant: [holding a vial] This is T. rex...pee?[Eric nods]Grant: ...How did you get it?Eric: You don't wanna know.
- And this:Eric: I read both of your books. I liked the first one more. Before you were on the island. You liked dinosaurs back then.Grant: Back then, they hadn't tried to eat me yet.
- Grant and Eric on Ian Malcolm:Grant: Did you read Malcolm's book?[Eric nods]Grant: So?Eric: I don't know. It was kinda preachy. And too much chaos. Everything chaos. It just seemed like the guy was high on himself.Grant: [smiles] Well, that's two things we have in common.
- It's more humorous if you think of it as a Take That! to the original novel in which most of Ian's time on page is spent lecturing Hammond and the others on chaos theory and the park's failure, even as he lays in bed critically injured and high off of morphine.
- Don't say that like that's not an accurate description of the original movie, too.
- And this:
- Grant and Eric meet up with the Kirbys and Billy. Both parties have heard the jingle from Paul's satellite phone and used it to find each other. Paul, however, realizes that he loaned it to Nash...who got eaten by the Spinosaurus earlier. Just then, the group hears the phone's jingle again, and everyone looks to see the Spinosaurus standing several feet away, looking right at them. The jingle plays on. Oh, Crap!, indeed.
- Followed by Grant giving what is clearly a Disapproving Look as he mutters "Run" (as in, "I am officially getting too old for this").
- At the beginning of this scene, Eric hears the satellite phone ringing in the distance and runs towards it with Grant following him, the other group hears Eric and run towards his shouts, and the music builds melodramatically as they both emerge from the woods and run towards each other. The reunion is sweet, but kind of undercut by the fact that there's a huge fence topped with spikes between them, which isn't revealed to the audience until both groups are right next to it.
- When the group find themselves in a strange enclosure.Grant: Oh my God.Amanda: What is this?Grant: It's a bird cage.Amanda: For what?
- One of the Pteranodons turning to glare at Grant as if to say "You're next" is either this, Nightmare Fuel, or both.
- Grant, Paul, and Amanda search for the satellite phone in Spinosaurus droppings. After finding it, they pick it up and answer it, only to get an advertisement about a time share. Moments later, a huge Ceratosaurus shows up, scaring everyone. It then takes a whiff of the droppings, looks at the camera for a brief second, and leaves as fast as it appears. Even the grunt it makes after sniffing its potential prey sounded like a perfectly comprehensible "Blech!"
- There's a deleted line to this by Paul after the ceratosaur leaves: "Can't help but feel a little offended."
- Oh, and the reason they could hear the satellite phone ringing and were able to find it? It was a damn timeshare robocall, probably the only time anyone has ever appreciated that.
- At the climax of the film on the river, Grant tries to contact Ellie on the satellite phone so she can send a rescue party while the Spinosaurus rips their boat apart. He reaches Ellie's home, and Charlie answers. Grant tells him to bring his phone to Ellie, but Charlie quickly gets distracted by the television screen playing, of all things, Barney & Friends. Poor Dr. Grant; wherever he goes, there always seems to be dinosaurs that want to see him dead.
- When Dr. Grant blows into the Velociraptor voice box in an attempt to mimic their calls, the female Velocirapter gives him an absolutely "wtf?" expression at the noise he makes and then looks over at her mate. Goodness only knows what Grant's call actually said but the rest of the pack all start looking at each other and chirping loudly, which means it probably didn't make much sense to them, either.
- Becomes even funnier if you assume that whatever Grant did say via the voice box was actually offensive. That's why they're all chirping. He's just insulted them in Velociraptorese...
- A possible translation of the entire scene
. (Fair warning for coarse language and N-Word Privileges.)
