Funny / Halo: Combat Evolved

• The physics engine in Halo: CE can be really silly at times.
  • A character hit with a vehicle will result in a One-Hit Kill, no matter how tough that character is or how fast the vehicle is travelling. Even a simple nudge can kill. This can lead to hilarious situations such as slightly nudging Hunters with the lightweight Ghost and instantly killing them.
• Sergeant Johnson's inspiring pep talk to the marines at the beginning cutscene of the first game, and all the variants therein:
  Normal: "When we meet the enemy on the ground, we will rip their heads from their spines, and toss them away, laughing!"
  Legendary: "I don't care if it's God's own anti-son-of-a-bitch machine or a giant hula hoop! WE AIN'T GONNA LET 'EM HAVE IT!!! What we will let them have, is a belly full of lead, and their own blood to drown in!!"
  • "Am I right, marines?"
    • "SIR, YES, SIR!
    • "Mmm hmm. Damn right I am. Now move it out, double time!"
  • From a Certain Point of View, Halo is God's own anti-son-of-a-bitch machine.
• Upon freeing several imprisoned marines alongside Captain Keyes, who reveals information about what Halo is that he overheard from his stay in prison, Keyes gives out orders to find Halo's control room while the rest listen silently before moving out. The chapter name, however:
  Shut up and get behind me... Sir
  • Speaking of section titles, many of them are funny:
    AI Constructs and Cyborgs First!
    Wait, It Gets Worse!
    But I Don't Want to Ride the Elevator!
    Fourth Floor: Tools, Guns, Keys To Super Weapons
    Breaking Stuff to Look Tough
    …And the Horse You Rode In On
    Warning: Hitchhikers May Be Escaping Convicts
• During the outro cutscene of Assault On The Control Room, Chief plugs Cortana into the Control Room, and she is excited... until the Chief asks "So...what sort of weapon is it?". A moment worthy of a Record Needle Scratch.
  • Then Cortana has her massive Explain, Explain... Oh, Crap! moment upon realizing what Halo really is, and is so utterly horrified that she can't even begin to get her thoughts together as Chief keeps questioning and trying to get her to slow down and explain. Cue Cortana telling him to stop Keyes from accessing the "weapons cache" they've been looking for, by outright yelling at him to go, and Chief actually jumping in surprise at realizing how dead serious she was before awkwardly complying and running like hell.
• During the intro cutscene of The Two Betrayals we get Cortana's enraged entry upon throwing Guilty Spark's "procedure" off the rails.
  Chief: Cortana!
  Cortana: I've spent the last 12 hours cooped up in here watching you toady about, helping that thing get set to slit our throats!
  Chief: Hold on now, he's a friend.
  Cortana: (sarcastically) Oh, I didn't realize. He's your pal, is he, your chum? (serious) Do you have any idea what that bastard almost made you do!?
  Chief: Yes... activate Halo's defenses and destroy the Flood. Which is why we brought the index to the control center.
  Cortana: (holding the index) You mean this?
  • We then get this exchange between 343 Guilty Spark and Cortana in which the latter's effort to throw the former's "procedure" off the rails sends him into a fit that actually breaks his until-now-unbroken expositionary demeanour.
    Guilty Spark: A construct? In the core? That is absolutely unacceptable!
    Cortana: SOD OFF!!!
    Guilty Spark: What impertinence! I shall purge you at once!
    Cortana: You sure that's a good idea? (the index then vanishes from her hands)
    Guilty Spark: (in fury) How... how... HOW DARE YOU!! I'll...!
    Cortana: Do what? I have the index, you can just float and sputter!
• The cutscene before the level Keyes in the original game was funny; Cortana thinks she's figured out how to Teleport the Chief. She manages to do it, but she mistakes the ceiling of the ship for the floor.
  • Immediately afterwards when that mistake finally exhausts the Chief's patience and he Dope Slaps his own helmet to shut her up.
    Cortana: Oh, I see. The coordinate data needs to be- (Chief baps the side of his helmet) Right... Sorry.
• Another moment from Keyes: immediately after starting the level, and going through the first door, you see a Grunt running for his life... from an 'armless Flood Combat Form, Tom and Jerry style.
• In the level The Maw (the last level in the game), Cortana's trying to tell the Chief to pull up on his hijacked (and heavily damaged) Banshee or else they'll crash, while Chief casually disregards this. They end up crashing, the Chief none worse for wear, and Cortana betting that he did that on purpose.
  Cortana: (panicking) This thing is falling apart!
  Chief: (calmly) It'll hold.
  Cortana: We're not gonna make it!
  Chief: We'll make it.
  Cortana: Pull up! PULL UP!!
  [crash]
  Cortana: ...You did that on purpose, didn't you?
  • Seeing as the Banshee was flying level until the crash, it's quite likely that Chief actually did crash it on purpose.
• After 343 Guilty Spark has shut down the self-destruct of the Pillar of Autumn, Cortana is at a loss as to how to blow the ship up. This exchange ensues:
  Chief: How much firepower would you need to crack one of the engine shields?
  Cortana: Not much. A well-placed grenade, perhaps, but why-
  [cut to Chief nonchalantly tossing one in the air]
  Cortana: [beat] ...Okay, I'm coming with you.
• Before that, when Cortana is re-uploaded into the Pillar of Autumn's computer, she acts like a mom who just came home to the aftermath of a crazy party.
  Cortana: I leave home for a few days and look what happened...
• Anything Grunts say. Sometimes you'll walk into a room and randomly hear screams of fear, even though they don't know you're there yet. Also:
  • "Leader Dead! Run away!
  • "Bad Cyborg!"
  • "CAN'T! RUN! WITH! THING! ON! BACK!"
  • "WE'RE GONNA DIEEE!!!"
  • "He flees! Thank the Nipple."
  • When sticking one with a grenade: "Not again!."
• When you've returned to the Pillar of Autumn and go through the dark vents again, just outside your exit is a battle between Covenant and Flood. But because of the narrow doorway, you can mostly only see the bullets and grenades flying back and forth, and hear the NPCs' reactions offscreen, turning an otherwise-ordinary battle into hilarity.
• Shooting at 343 Guilty Spark in The Library will generate a variety of responses, the best being "Stop being human!"
• The Legendary ending to the first game. "This is it, baby... Hold me." Johnson and an Elite hug, and the Elite grabs Johnson's butt. In Anniversary, they still hug, but Johnson grabs the Elite's butt. The Elite is briefly shocked before the Pillar of Autumn explodes.
• The video you get to watch when you beat the Halo: Combat Evolved Trial definitely counts.
• The Cursed Halo mod drastically messes with the game, with the mod's author (who also made a Halo 2 multiplayer mod that recreates Desert Bus with warthogs) making a video showing off some of the effects.