Funny / Halo 2

• If the player (and by extension, the Chief) stays out on the surface of the MAC cannon in "Authorized Personnel Only", Cortana will eventually chime in about the mission.
  Cortana: Ask yourself this question: "Is what I'm doing right now helping Cortana keep this station from exploding into tiny, tiny bits?"
• At the beginning of "Outskirts", Cortana has intercepted a message from Regret's carrier:
  Cortana: The message just repeats. "Regret, Regret, Regret."
  Miranda: Catchy. Any idea what it means?
  Johnson: "Dear Humanity, we regret being alien bastards. We regret comin' to Earth, and we most definitely regret the Corps just blew up our raggedy-ass fleet!"
  Marines: Ooh-rah!!
  • Gets even better once your ride gets shot down and you begin the level proper, revealing the name of the section you're playing.
    They'll Regret That Too
• Johnson drops a Scorpion for Chief, providing his obligatory moment where his dialogue differs between difficulties:
  Johnson:(Easy): "You had your chance to be afraid before you joined my beloved Corps. But to guide you back to the true path, I brought this motivational device. Our big green style cannot be defeated!"
  Johnson:(Normal): "The Chief is gonna jump in this tank, roll across the bridge, and blow up any inhuman-son-of-a-bitch dumb enough to get between him and the Prophet of Regret! Pull yourself together, because you're going with him!"
  Johnson:(Heroic): "When I joined the Corps, we didn't have any fancy-shmancy tanks. We had sticks! Two sticks, and a rock for the whole platoon - and we had to share the rock! Buck up, boy, you're one very lucky Marine!"
  Johnson:(Legendary): "Usually the good Lord works in mysterious ways. But not today! This here is sixty-six tons of straight up, H-E-spewing dee-vine intervention! If God is love, then you can call me Cupid!"
  Cortana: Thanks for the tank. He (Chief) never gets me anything.
  Johnson: Oh, I know what the ladies like...
  • Cue the next section's title: On Easy or Normal, it's, "Ladies Like Armor Plating", on Heroic it's, "Ladies Like Grinding Treads", and on Legendary it's, "Ladies Like Superior Firepower."
• During the Scarab Attack.
  Soldier: See this look? It's TERROR.
  Sergeant: Marine, did I give you permission to bitch?
• Johnson's reaction to hearing Cortana say that they just discovered another Halo ring:
  Johnson: [Chokes on his cigar] Say what?!
• During a particularly scenic moment on Delta Halo:
  PFC Chips Dubbo: Whoa, it's like a postcard! "Dear Sarge: kicking ass in outer space, wish you were here."
  Sgt. Johnson: [Over COM] I heard that, jackass!
• The way the Chief kills the Prophet of Regret, in which he grabs onto the Prophet's gravity throne and repeatedly punches him in the face.
• During the level "Quarantine Zone", when the Arbiter and some Elites are riding a gondola into Halo-05's Library to get the Index, Tartarus provides fire support with a Phantom dropship. Your NPC Elite allies are... less than enthusiastic about this, both about his 'help' against the Flood:
  Tartarus: I'll thin their ranks.
  Elite: What courage. Nice and safe in his Phantom...
  • And against the humans:
    Tartarus: Humans! I'll deal with them...
    Elite 1: The fool! He'll alert them to our presence!
    Elite 2: Look on the bright side: maybe they'll shoot him down.
• The entire sequence where the Master Chief and the Arbiter come face to face with the Gravemind itself:
  Master Chief: Relax. I'd rather not piss this thing off.
  Arbiter: Demon!
  Gravemind: This one is machine and nerve and has its mind concluded; this one is but flesh and faith and is the more deluded...
  Arbiter: Kill me or release me, parasite. But do not waste my time with talk.
  • The bickering between the reanimated Prophet of Regret and Penitent Tangent. Tangent is adamant following containment protocol (Despite the Flood infestation clearly being out of control by this point), and Regret doesn't seem aware that he's fused to one of Gravemind's tentacles.
    Prophet of Regret: Of all the objects that our Lords left behind, there are none so worthless as these Oracles! They know nothing of the Great Journey!
    2401 Penitent Tangent: And you know nothing about containment! You have demonstrated complete disregard for even the most basic protocols!
• The beginning of the level, "Gravemind"
  Prophet of Truth: We are all greatly concerned. The release of the parasite was unexpected and unfortunate. But there is no need to panic. In truth, this is a time to rejoice, a moment that all the Covenant should savour, for the Sacred Icon has been found. With it, our path is clear, our entry into the Divine Beyond guaranteed. The Great Journey is nigh and nothing, not even The Flood, can stop it.
  (The Master Chief teleports in, right next to a Grunt carrying a Needler.)
  Master Chief: Boo.
  Grunt: AAAIIIEE!!
• During Johnson's Scarab Attack:
  Johnson: Hey, bastards. Knock Knock!
• Interacting with the computer on the Zanzibar multiplayer map gives you this message:
  A total FU exception has occurred at your location. All system functionality will be terminated. Press any key to power cycle the system. If system does not restart; scream at top of lungs and pound on keypad. If you need to talk to a programmer press any other key. Press any key to continue_
  • The error message looks a lot like the infamous Windows "Blue Screen of Death". A case of Biting-the-Hand Humor since Halo 2 was published by Microsoft.
• When The Arbiter and his troops reach the mining installation at the beginning of "The Arbiter", it's possible for the player to kill a Grunt. If you do, a nearby Elite will ask "Did he offend you, Arbiter?"