Funny / Gangsta Granny

• When Ben complains that Granny "stinks of cabbage", his mother agrees with him, to the chagrin of his father.
• Ben tries to lie that he loves ballroom dancing to get out of staying with Granny... only, he calls it "ball-whatsit dancing" and once claimed that he'd rather eat his own Nose Nuggets than watch it on TV.
• Apparently, Ben's father met his mother when he wrongly thought she was a shoplifter, but they got married anyway.
• Upon seeing Granny waiting at the window, Ben thinks, "How long has she been there? Since last week?"
• Ben hates cabbage soup so much that he thinks a Big "NO!" when Granny reveals she cooked it.
• Granny's hearing aid is described as causing deafness in others more than it aids her own.
• The list of things Ben hates about his Granny — her hearing aid is noisy, she wipes his face with her spit, her TV is dusty and broken, she keeps trying to make him read even though he hates it, she makes him wear winter coats even on hot days so he'll "feel the benefit", she smells of cabbage (and he claims it could cause allergic reactions within a ten-mile radius), she considers feeding the ducks to be an "exciting day out", she farts a lot, her gas smells like rotten cabbage, she sends him to bed early, and she knits him cutesy sweaters.
• The narration notes that Ben doesn't know the difference between a gangsta and a gangster, but thinks the former sounds worse.
• When Ben is described as looking "underneath The Lady", the author then clarifies that it was a magazine called that and not an actual woman.
• Raj's idea of a "Christmas decoration" is a "Happy birthday" banner with the word "Birthday" tippexed out and replaced in ballpoint pen with "Christmas".
• Raj hiding a magazine in the freezer, because he's worried it would go off.
• The Running Gag of Raj selling a ludicrous amount of confections for the price of one.
• Granny serving cabbage mousse and cabbage-flavoured chocolates, the latter of which are described as being even worse than they sound.
• All of Ben's Scrabble words have to do with either his boredom ("boring", "pointless", "escape", "help", "tedium", Granny's old age ("ancient", "wrinkles"), her flatulence ("quack", "pongy"), or his hatred of cabbage ("cabbagesick"). He also tries to spell, "IHATETHISSTUPIDGAME", only for Granny to veto it since it's not one word.
• Ben pretends to brush his teeth, which is described as being slightly harder than actually brushing your teeth.
• When Ben is looking forward to his teenage years, he anticipates being "hairier and spottier".
• Granny's calendar includes "Play Scrabble against yourself", "Blow off", "Make the dish 'Chocolate Surprise'. The surprise is that it isn't made of chocolate at all. It is in fact 100% cabbage", and (the last item on the list) "Blow off all day".
• The author challenging the reader to do nothing but count for an entire minute to demonstrate how a single minute can feel like a long time if you're bored.
• The "real fake" leather bookmark.
• When Ben observes Granny dressed in all black, he muses that her underwear is probably black too.
• Ben noting that it's redundant when Granny makes him swear not to tell his parents her secret, since he'd previously sworn to tell no one, and illustrates it with a Venn diagram.
• Ben being unable to imagine Granny at his age, even imagining her being born as an old lady.
  Imaginary Great-Grandmother: "Is it a boy or a girl?"
  Imaginary Midwife: "It's an old lady!"
• In Granny's story, Lord Davenport burps loudly, and her impression of his burp makes Ben laugh.
• During the scene where Ben is sweating, the book points out the inaccuracy of the phrase "sweating like a pig", and then notes that being accused of sweating made Ben sweat more.
• Falling for Ben's lie that he now likes dancing, he exclaims, "Oh, there is a God!" and looks up at the ceiling.
• This conversation between Ben's parents:
  Pete: "But you becoming a ballroom dancer, well... this... this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to us."
  Linda: "The very greatest!"
  Pete: "The very very greatest!"
  Linda: "Really it's the very very very greatest."
  Pete: "Let's just agree it's extremely great."
• The embarrassing dance outfits include "Fruit Cocktail" (which includes a dress), "Accident and Emergency" (bandages), "Ice and a Slice" (a tuxedo with ice and a slice of citrus on the head), and "Piano Man" (a costume shaped like a piano keyboard).
• Granny claiming she swallowed a diamond ring and then it went out the other end. She later claims that the Davenports searched their cottage from top to bottom — but not her bottom.
• The Nosy Neighbor is named Mr. Parker, and his intro is:
  Granny: "He lives at number seven, he always wears a pork-pie hat, and he keeps spying on me."
  Ben: "Why?"
  Granny: "I don't know. I imagine he has a very cold head or something."
  Ben: "Oh. No, not his hat."
• Ben, nervous in front of Mr. Parker, introduces himself as "Granny's friend", then adds, "I mean grandson". He then lies that she's doing her "naked yoga", prompting Granny to strip down to her underwear and do a tree pose.
• Mr. Parker wonders if Ben is a burglar. When Granny points out that she let him in, Mr. Parker wonders if he was a "very charming burglar".
• The author abridging Ben and Granny's Argument of Contradictions to "save paper and therefore the trees and therefore the forests and therefore the environment and therefore the world".
• After explaining that the River of Thames had originally been an "open sewer", the narration then says, "Technically speaking, that means there was a lot of wee and poo in it".) Then, when Ben gets the idea of swimming up a sewer pipe, he is a bit displeased but reassures himself that any human waste still there would be hundreds of years old... but he's not sure if that's good or bad.
• Ben's mother thinking that he's hiding a "naughty magazine" under his bed. She then promises that she'd be discreet if he wanted to talk to her about girls... despite having told both her husband and her boss that she'd been talking to Ben about girls.
• When Ben tells Granny to "pose as a sweet old lady", she protests, "I am a sweet old lady!".
• Ben dreads dancing so much, he'd actually rather have WWIII, another ice age, a swarm of killer bees, a meteor setting the Earth off its axis, zombies to attack Flavio, a thousand-year Alien Abduction, the dinosaurs coming back, a volcanic eruption (he even calls it annoying that there are no nearby volcanoes), or an attack of giant (or even medium sized) slugs.
• Even though Ben is the worst dancer ever, his parents still applaud, only stopping because they're embarrassed to be the only ones applauding.
• Ben's father describes his son's dance performance as "in a word, dreadful and embarrassing".
  Ben: "That's two words. Three if you count the 'and'."
• Ben's dance costume is white with hearts on it, so Granny describes him as looking like a "demented Valentine's Day card".
• Ben uses "Bums!" as an exclamation and Granny chastises him for "swearing"... even though "bums" isn't a swear word, and [[Hypocritical Humour she herself exclaims, "Big hairy bums!" moments later.
• The police car is described as dwarfing the scooter "like a very tall person dwarfs... well, a dwarf".
• The list of vehicles not permitted on a motorway includes "roller skates", "donkey", "shopping trolley", "sledge", "camel", "magic carpet", and "comedy ostrich".
• When PC Fudge asks Granny if she's been drinking, she reveals that she drank cabbage soup recently.
  PC Fudge: "Alcohol, I mean."
  Granny: "I had a brandy liqueur chocolate on Tuesday night. Does that count?"
• Ben and Granny lying to PC Fudge that the reason the handbag is wrapped in clingfilm and they're in ninja suits is that they're part of the secret Clingfilm Appreciation Society.
• The narrator notes that, unfortunately, the Imperial Crown of India isn't in his size, and the Anointing Spoon is "not to be used for eating Coco Pops". Then, a fake ad for the Crown Jewels is shown, complete with St. Edward's crown having a note near it reading, "OLD".
• The scale of "being-told-offness", which goes from "parent", to "teacher", "head teacher", "air hostess", "librarian", "postman", "scoutmaster", "traffic warden", "park keeper", "vicar", "policeman", "judge", to finally, "the Queen".
• The Queen complains that Ben and Granny smell of "poo-poo". Granny says that they don't usually smell that way, and the Queen says, "I should hope not".
• Granny's insult to Mr. Parker:
  Granny: (fake kind) "If you ever need to borrow a bag of sugar... don't knock on my door, or I will shove that bag of sugar up your backside."
• The story's final joke: the Queen flashing her underwear on live TV.

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