Funny / Friends Seasons 1 To 3

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Season 1

101: Pilot (TOW Monica Gets a Roommate)

• The segue once the gang becomes six:
  Ross: I just want to be married again.
  [Rachel comes in dressed as bride]
  Chandler: And I just want a million dollars!
• Chandler is trying to console the newly-divorced Ross by pointing out that neither he nor Joey have ever had a long-term relationship. Unfortunately, halfway through his attempt at consolation, his train of thought jumps to the adjacent track and he instead uses Ross' divorce as a justification for him and Joey not having long-term relationships.
  Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us [indicates himself and Joey] we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however, have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing, at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it!... I don't think that was my point!

102: TOW the Sonogram at the End

• The gang's understandable bafflement at watching the sonogram.
  Joey: What are we supposed to be seeing here?
  Chandler: I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.
  Phoebe: You know, if you tilt your head to the left and relax your eyes, it kind of looks like an old potato.
  Ross: Then don't do that, alright?
• Rachel insulting Mindy at the end after learning she hooked up with Barry.
  Rachel: If things work out and you get married and have kids, I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. (hangs up) Okay, I know that was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better.

103: TOW the Thumb

• Chandler sauntering off after successfully diverting attention away from his smoking habit by pointing out everyone else's flaws, reducing them to petty squabbling with each other.
  Chandler: SO I HAVE A FLAW! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? [Joey looks concerned] And Ross with his overpronouncing every single word, and Monica with that snort when she laughs, I mean, what the hell is that? [Monica looks shocked] I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this!?
  [long pause; Phoebe starts chewing on her hair]
  Joey: Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?
  Rachel: Well... I- I could live without it.
  Joey: Huh. What, is it like a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair? [Phoebe pushes her hair out of her mouth with her tongue]
  Ross: Aw, now don't listen to him, Pheebs, all right, I think it's endearing.
  Joey: [imitating Ross' overdone inflections, moving his hand as though conducting] Oh, you do, do you? [Monica laughs, then snorts twice and covers her nose self-consciously]
  Ross: [with the same inflections imitated by Joey] You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking - correctly.
  Rachel: [smirks] Indeed - there - isn't! [Ross glares at her] I should really get back to work. [starts to leave]
  Phoebe: Yeah. Otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
  Rachel: [stops and turns around slowly] Well! The hair comes out and the gloves come off!
  [a five-way argument breaks out as Chandler, a self-satisfied smile on his face, stands up and leaves them to it]
• When Monica tells the gang that she's breaking up with Alan (they all liked him more than she did), all five of them collectively act like a jilted lover.

104: TOW George Stephanopolous

• In response to Rachel's shrieking friends, Monica and Phoebe do one of their own: "Look, I have elbows. AAAAAH!"
• When Ross gets hit by the puck, Chandler and Joey are more concerned with showing off the puck on the Jumbotron.
• Joey mimicking hitting the puck on his forehead.
• Monica takes a call from Rachel's credit card company.
  Monica: They detected some unusual activity in your account.
  Rachel: I haven't used my card in weeks.
  Monica: That is the unusual activity.
• The guys flinching every time the nasty hospital attendant looks at them.

105: TOW the East German Laundry Detergent

• David Schwimmer had a knack for physical comedy, and this episode includes a classic example. After helping Rachel do her own laundry for the first time (if not without incident), Ross is rewarded with a kiss, and is so ecstatic he doesn't pay attention to where he is moving and bangs his head on an open dryer door.
• Joey convinces Monica to go out on a Double Date with his ex and her new boyfriend. Except he doesn’t tell Monica any of this; instead, he tells her that the other couple are brother and sister. To make things funnier, the couple is very amorous, and Monica’s reaction to them — while she still thinks they’re siblings — is priceless.

106: TOW the Butt

• Joey's "Freud!" song, so good it shows up in nearly every Clip Show for the rest of the series' run. Phoebe, Monica, Chandler, and Ross know that Rachel's excitement at seeing Joey on stage will evaporate as soon as the play begins, and they're quite right...
  Joey: [singing, as Freud]
  All you want is a dinkle
  What you envy's a schwang
  A thing with which you can tinkle
  To play with, or simply let hang
• After the play, Joey is given Estelle's business card, and is enthused about possibly getting signed. Phoebe's first reaction is "Based on THIS play?!", then corrects herself with more tact: "Based on this PLAY!"
• Joey reveals he's playing Al Pacino's butt double, which brings on the friendly entendres:
  Chandler: After all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into show business.
  Joey: Fine, make jokes, I don't care, this is a big break for me.
  Ross: You're right, you're right, it is. So you gonna invite us all to the big opening?
• In the extended version of the episode, someone starts singing the "Freud!" song under their breath, with the rest of the group joining in one by one and making it louder, much to Joey's consternation. After the five of them finish, Joey looks hurt for a beat...then launches into his own, even louder rendition that everyone sings along with him at the top of their lungs.
• Joey uses Monica's bathroom to put cream on his butt. Chandler then shows up.
  Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.
  Monica: In the bathroom. I wouldn't go in there.
  Chandler: Oh, come on. We're roommates. [goes in the bathroom, only to scream loudly off screen and race back out again with his hands covering his face] MY EYES! MY EYES!

107: TOW the Blackout

• Cat jumps on Ross' head.
• Chandler's attempts to flirt with Victoria's Secret model Jill Goodacre start off inauspiciously.
  Chandler: [thinking] "Gum would be perfection"? "Gum would be perfection". Could have said "gum would be nice", could have said "I'll have a stick", but no no no no no. To me, gum is "perfection"! I loathe myself. [Head Desk]
• Things don't improve when Chandler tries to blow a bubble with the gum, thinking it would come across as impish, only to spit the gum against the wall instead.
  Chandler: [thinking] Nice going, imp. Okay, i-i-it's okay. All I need to do is reach over, and put it back... in my mouth. [he does so... or so he thinks] Good save! We're back on track, and I'm... chewing someone else's gum. [grimaces] This it not my gum, oh my God, oh my God... [starts choking on the gum] And now you're choking.
  Jill: Are you all right? [Chandler gives her a double "OK" sign despite being in obvious distress] My God, you're choking! [she rushes over and performs the Heimlich manoeuvre; Chandler spits the gum out again and starts gasping for breath] That better?
  Chandler: Yes... thank you. That was... that was...
  Jill: Perfection? [smiles; Chandler smiles back]
• In The Tag, the power has come back on, and Chandler and Jill have thanked each other and said their goodbyes, which in Jill's case involves kissing Chandler on the cheek. After she leaves, Chandler turns to the security camera:
  Chandler: Hi. I'm account number 7143457, and, uh... I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really... like a copy of the tape.

108: TOW Nana Dies Twice

• As the episode's title implies, Ross and Monica's Nana dies... twice!
• Chandler doesn't understand why people think he's gay:
  Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?
  Rachel: Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair.
  Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair.

109: TOW Underdog Gets Away

• Joey finally hits it big... as a model for VD! To quote the poster, "What Mario isn't telling you... VD: you never know who might have it."
  • The other five find the poster hilarious; Joey, not so much, as not only is it scuppering his every attempt to hit on girls, but it has also ruined his Thanksgiving plans:
    Joey: [entering Monica and Rachel's apartment in a funk] Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family thinks I have VD.
    Chandler: Tonight, on a very special Blossom!
  • In The Tag, he sees one of the posters in the subway and tears off the "VD: you never know who might have it" caption, only to reveal another one saying "Bladder control problem" underneath. So he tears off that one, and reveals a caption saying "Stop wife beating". He tries again, and this time the caption reads "Hemorrhoids?"... and finally, at the fourth attempt, he reveals the caption "Winner of 3 Tony awards". Good enough, he thinks, and leaves.

111: TOW Mrs. Bing

• Rachel's attempt at an erotic novel is completely appropriate due to her horrible typing skills. Women with heaving beasts and niffles (usually found on the heaving beasts, according to Joey), men with huge throbbing pens (Ross says you don't want to be around when they start writing with them), and more!

113: TOW the Boobies

• The Teaser - in more ways than one - sets up the subplot in this episode's title as Chandler accidentally beats Ross to the "honour" of seeing Rachel topless:
  [Chandler enters Rachel and Monica's apartment and helps himself to food from the kitchen table, then the fridge... unaware that Rachel is in the bathroom with the door open. She emerges with one towel around her waist and a second covering her chest, the latter of which she is using to dry her hair. Chandler drops something, bends over to pick it up... and as he starts to stand up again, Rachel finally sees him]
  Rachel: [jumping back in shock, dropping the upper of her two towels] DAHHHH!
  Chandler: [also jumping back in shock] AHHHH! [Rachel grabs a rug from the back of the sofa to cover her chest] I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
  Rachel: [livid] That is it! You just barge in here, you don't knock-
  Chandler: I'm sorry!-
  Rachel: -you have no respect for anybody's privacy-
  Chandler: Rachel, wait, wait-
  Rachel: No, you wait, this is ridiculous! You-
  Chandler: Can I just say one thing?
  Rachel: What!? What?!
  Chandler: [gesturing to the rug] That's a relatively open weave, and I can still see your... [very long pause as he tries to think of a euphemism] nippular areas.
  Rachel: Ughhh! [storms off, still holding the rug over her chest]
  Chandler: I'm sorry! [sinks to the floor in a "Please, ground, open up and swallow me" pose]
• Later at Central Perk, everyone is meeting Phoebe's psychiatrist boyfriend, Roger, and Rachel is in no mood to forgive or forget:
  Rachel: [joining the others at the sofa] Okay, any of you guys want anything else?
  Chandler: [starting to point] Oh, yes, could I have one of those-
  Rachel: [frostily] No, I'm sorry, we're all out of those. Anybody else?
  Chandler: [resigned] Okay!
  Roger: Did I, uh, did I miss something?
  Chandler: Oh, she's still upset because I saw her boobies.
  Ross: [struggling to hide his jealousy] Wh-what? Wh- what were you doing seeing her boobies?
  Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of doughnuts. [Roger laughs loudly]
  Rachel: Okay, okay, can we change the subject, please?
  Phoebe: Yeah, y'know, [indicating Rachel's chest with her thumb] these are not her boobies, these are her breasts. [moves her finger back and forth in the air in front of an increasingly unamused Rachel's chest]
  Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change.
  Monica: Y'know, I always liked "bazoombas". Sort of gives them a Latin spin. [Chandler nods, Ross looks thoughtful]
  Rachel: [thoroughly fed up] Can we- can we drop this already? Hm? [sits down]
  Chandler: Y'know, I dunno why you're so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies.
  Rachel: ... "Nice"!? They were "nice". I mean, th-th-that's it? I mean, mittens are "nice".
  Chandler: Okay... [holds up his right hand] Rock. [holds up his left hand] Hard place. [leans forward into the space between his hands] Me.
• Joey discovers that his father has been having an affair for six years, forcing the gang to confront the notion of Parents as People, but Chandler is still fixated on Rachel's chest. Ross has a... creative solution to even things out:
  Rachel: I know, I mean, why can't parents stay parents? [walks across to Chandler, who is staring at her chest] Why do they have to become people? Why do they have... [notices where Chandler is looking] Why can't you stop staring at my breasts?
  Chandler: [without looking up] What? [after a pause, finally looks at Rachel's face] What?
  Rachel: Did you not get a good enough look the other day?
  Ross: All right, all right, we're all adults here, there's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to have to show her your peepee. [Joey points to Ross in agreement; Rachel grins, clearly loving the idea]
  Chandler: [with a fake smile] Y'know, I don't see that happening?
  Rachel: C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat.
  Chandler: Well, I'm not showing you my "tat"!
• Roger quickly gets on the bad side of most of the main cast with his analyses of their behaviour, including suggesting that Ross went into his marriage with Carol knowing it would fail because he felt guilty about overshadowing Monica as a child, leading to an argument between the Geller siblings that ends with the gloriously quotable...
  Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!
• Later in the episode, both Joe Tribbiani, Sr. and his mistress, Ronni, are staying with Chandler and Joey; to cut down on competition for the bathroom, Ronni is permitted to use Monica and Rachel's shower. She mentions that Chandler is in his own shower, so Rachel decides to get revenge. Unfortunately, she misses her target:
  Rachel: Hey, listen, Ronni, how long would you say Chandler's been in the shower?
  Ronni: Oh, like, uh, five minutes?
  Rachel: Perfect. [saunters toward the front door] Fasten your seat belts. It's peepee time. [Monica holds the door open for her, grinning. Rachel heads across to Chandler and Joey's apartment; Joey Sr. is in the kitchen, leaning on the counter and reading the paper] Morning, Mr. Trib.
  Joe Sr.: Hey, morning, dear.
  Rachel: [goes up to the bathroom door] Chandler Bing? It's time to see your thing. [opens the door and pulls back the shower curtain to reveal... Joey] AHHH!
  Joey: AHHH! [frantically covers himself as Rachel flees the bathroom, closing the door behind her; after a moment, he emerges, a towel wrapped around his waist] What's the matter with you!?
  Rachel: [gesturing wildly] I thought it was Chandler!
  Chandler: [rushing out of his bedroom] What, what?
  Rachel: [pointing an accusing finger at him] You were supposed to [points to bathroom] be in there so I could see your thing! [Joe Sr. raises his eyebrows in confusion]
  Chandler: [sheepishly indicates his bedroom] Sorry, my, my thing was in there with me.
• In The Tag, Joey now tries to get payback on Rachel, but misses his target... and when said target tries to get payback on Joey, she misses her target as well:
  [Joey enters Monica and Rachel's apartment; Phoebe is at the kitchen table reading the paper]
  Phoebe: Hey Joey! What's goin' on?
  Joey: [walking across to the bathroom] Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop, Rachel Green. [Phoebe shrugs and goes back to the paper; Joey chuckles as he opens the bathroom door and walks in. We hear the curtain being pulled back, followed by a scream, followed by Joey fleeing the bathroom in horror] What the-!?
  Monica: [exiting the bathroom in a shower cap with a towel over her front] Joey! What the hell were you doing!?
  Joey: [defensively] Sorry! Wrong boobies. [leaves; Monica gets a crafty look]
  [some time later, Monica enters Chandler and Joey's apartment and heads for the bathroom]
  Monica: [smirking] Hello Joey! [pulls back the shower curtain to reveal Joey... Sr.]
  Joe Sr.: Ahh! [recovers from his shock and smiles] Hello, dear! [a horrified Monica closes the curtain again and beats a hasty retreat]

115: TOW the Stoned Guy

• Chandler has news for the gang at Central Perk: he was offered a promotion at work. So he quit; his job was supposed to be temporary (Monica notes he has been working there for five years), and accepting the promotion would mean admitting data processing is his career. Joey is concerned about this threat to their financial stability, but not for the reason you'd expect:
  Joey: Oh man, does that mean we gotta start buying our own toilet paper?
  Ross: [announcer voice] That was Joey Tribbiani with "The Big Picture". Dan?
• One early scene, three subplots, all hilarity:
  • First, Chandler has made an appointment with a career counsellor, as he still has no idea what he wants to do with his life:
    Chandler: [enters Monica and Rachel's apartment wearing a suit] Can you see my nipples through this shirt? [opens his jacket]
    Rachel: [looks Chandler up and down] No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there. [Chandler closes his jacket again]
    Phoebe: Where are you going, Mr. Suity Man?
    Chandler: [showing off a business card] Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career counsellor a-go-go. [Beat; awkwardly] I added the "a-go-go." [pockets the card again]
    Rachel: Career counsellor?
    Chandler: Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.
    Rachel: I don't!
    Chandler: [to Ross, Phoebe, and Joey] Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream!
    Ross: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech.
  • Second, a massage client of Phoebe's is looking to open a restaurant and needs a chef to create the entire menu, so naturally Phoebe thinks of... Chandler, since he is out of work, but when he turns her down because he can't see himself in a big white hat (and Phoebe's client would need to agree to an "all-toast" menu), she turns to Monica, who returns from a viewing of the restaurant location in high spirits:
    Monica: He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this- it's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right.
    Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears? [Joey, Phoebe, and Ross laugh]
    Monica: So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. You know, kind of like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which will be great for me because then you can "ooh" and "ahh" and make yummy noises.
    Rachel: What are you going to make?
    Phoebe: [in a "Weren't you listening?" tone of voice, pointing between herself and Monica] Yummy noises. I...
    Rachel: [Beat] And Monica, what are you going to make?
    Monica: [excited] I don't know. I don't know. It's just going to be so great!
    Phoebe: Ooh! I know what you could make! [joins Monica and Rachel in the kitchen] I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the stuff? [makes gestures with her hands; Monica has no idea] You know, that thing... with the, with the stuff...? [repeats the gestures; Monica still has no idea] Okay, I don't know. [crouches down between Monica and Rachel]
  • And third, Ross has a date with a museum colleague, Celia, a curator of insects. Although that's not how the gang describe her:
    Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighbourhood?
    Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free!
    Ross: Okay, [hems] hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma?
    Chandler: Who are you going out with?
    Phoebe: Oh, is this the bug lady?
    Rachel: ["bug" voice] Bzzzz... I love you, Ross!
• Chandler's career counselling session doesn't quite go as he hoped:
  [Chandler stomps into Monica and Rachel's apartment, looking dishevelled, exhausted, and angry; he kicks the door closed]
  Rachel: My God! What happened to you?
  Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests, and what do I learn!? [holds up a sheaf of paper and smacks it with his hand before reading] "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation!"
  Phoebe: That's so great! 'Cause you already know how to do that!
• Ross' date with Celia gets off to a bad start thanks to Marcel grabbing her hair and not letting go. Once Marcel is out of the room, things start getting hot and heavy until Celia asks Ross to talk dirty to her; as he has no idea how, he just blurts out "vulva". The next day, he seeks advice from Joey, who shows him how - leading to a hilarious Not What It Looks Like moment:
  Joey: All right, look, I'll start, okay?
  Ross: Joey, please.
  Joey: C'mon, c'mon! All right, ready? Look. [impassioned] Oh, Ross... you get me so hot, I want your lips on me now. [Ross is stunned] Eh? [he and Ross nod] All right, now you say something!
  Ross: I, uh... I really don't think so.
  Joey: C'mon! You like this woman, right?
  Ross: Yeah!
  Joey: You want to see her again, right?
  Ross: Sure!
  Joey: Well, if you can't talk dirty to me, how are you gonna talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt!
  Ross: [absorbs this] Okay, turn around. [Joey gives him a look] I just don't want you staring at me when I'm doing this.
  Joey: All right, all right, all right. [turns his back to Ross] I'm not looking. Go ahead.
  Ross: All right. Okay. [clears throat] I want- okay, I, I, I want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my lips.
  Joey: There you go! Keep going, keep going.
  Ross: I, uh... [Chandler enters from his bedroom, fresh from a nap; he stops and takes in the sight] I want to take my tongue, and... [this gets Chandler's undivided attention; he grins ear to ear and makes his way over to the desk to listen] and, and...
  Joey: Say it! [Beat] SAY IT!...
  Ross: Run it all over your body... until you're trembling with... [Chandler sits on the desk, knocking the chair against a hockey stick which scrapes along the front; Joey and Ross get worried looks on their faces and slowly turn around to look at him]
  Chandler: [still grinning] ... with...?
  Ross: Funny story!
  Joey: You're not gonna believe this.
  Chandler: It's okay, it's okay, I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.
  Joey: [to Ross] The trembling was nice.
  Ross: Shut up!
• As Ross and Joey are recovering from their embarrassment, it seems Chandler can't escape his destiny as a white collar worker, and displays Accidental Bargaining Skills in the process:
  Joey: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again.
  Chandler: Again?
  Joey: And again, and again...
  Ross: And again... [the phone rings; Joey answers it]
  Joey: Hello?... [to Chandler] And again. [tosses the receiver to him]
  Chandler: [on phone] Hey, Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor?... [picks up the hockey stick from the desk and swings it at an imaginary puck] Yeah, I miss you too... Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know?... Well, that's very generous... [looks at Joey and Ross] uh, but look, this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about... And that's on top of the year-end bonus structure you mentioned earlier?...
  Ross: [whispering and gesturing] No!
  Joey: [likewise] Your dream, your dream!
  Chandler: Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, okay? This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection!... No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy!... I'll see you Monday! [hangs up and slams the phone onto the kitchen counter; he sees Joey and Ross giving him matching Disapproving Looks and shrugs] Ehh.
• Monica's subplot proves to be the one that lends the episode its title. In the third act, the would-be restaurateur, Steve (Jon Lovitz), comes to her apartment to sample her food, but he gets stoned out of his mind on marijuana in Phoebe's taxi on the way over and develops a serious case of the munchies, wolfing down the first plate of food while hardly tasting it and then grabbing whatever he can find from the cupboards, including taco shells, cereal, and gummy bears. Somehow, Monica never picks up on Phoebe and Rachel's signals for why Steve is acting so oddly.
• As for Ross, he takes Joey's lesson to heart - but still doesn't quite reach the desired end result on his second date with Celia:
  [Ross and Joey head to the counter at Central Perk]
  Joey: So, uh... how did it go with Celia?
  Ross: Oh, I was unbelievable.
  Joey: [grinning] All right, Ross!
  Ross: I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were characters, plotlines, themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers.
  Joey: Whoa! And the... [makes suggestive gesture with his hands] huh-huh?
  Ross: Well... [clears his throat] You know, by the time we'd finished with all the dirty talk, it was kinda late... and we were both kind of exhausted, so, uh...
  Joey: You cuddled.
  Ross: Yeah, which was nice.

116: TOW Two Parts, Part I

• This is the first episode to feature Phoebe's twin sister Ursula, crossing over from Mad About You; Chandler and Joey have dinner at Riff's and initially mistake Ursula (whose waitressing is down to its usual standards) for Phoebe. The next day, they see Phoebe at Central Perk, and Chandler remembers why he's usually hesitant to engage Joey in conversation about anything:
  [Chandler and Joey are peering through the window at Central Perk]
  Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn't look exactly like her sister.
  Joey: I'm sayin' I see a difference.
  Chandler: They're twins!
  Joey: I don't care! Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's... hot!
  Chandler: [as he and Joey go indoors] You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things?
  Joey: Yeah?
  Chandler: Let's not do that anymore.
• During a Lamaze Class, Carol gets really freaked out about the idea of giving birth. Ross tries to comfort her, leading to this outburst:
  Carol: Oh, what do you know?! No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?!"
• And then the next class, Carol doesn't show up. Ross argues that since Susan actually is a woman, she should play the "pregnant woman" role while he plays the "supportive partner" role. Susan successfully argues that since she's the one in a relationship with Carol, she should be the "supportive partner" while Ross is the "pregnant woman", so she'll get to play the same role she actually will be playing when her partner gives birth. Ross seems to be taking it pretty well until the teacher says "Now, imagine your vagina opening up like a flower."

117: TOW Two Parts, Part II

• Two cute doctors show up at the apartment for dates with Rachel and Monica. One if them is apprehensive because apparently women they pick up at the hospital are always weird. His friend assures him these two are normal. "Look around. No pagan altars. No pile of bones in the corner."
• Joey kisses Phoebe (who is pretending to be Ursula) as part of their "breakup". Phoebe is stunned by the intensity of the kiss (even if it was a simple closed-mouth one), leaning back and mouthing "Wow!".

118: TOW All the Poker

• Joey, Chandler and Ross dancing to "The Lion Sleeps Tonight". The funniest part is how they subtly and gently bounce along, them the "aweemaweh" start, and then they start actually dancing.
• Throughout the episode, several references are made to Monica's tendency to take Pictionary too seriously, including an incident when she supposedly threw a plate at someone (she insists it slipped out of her hand while she was gesturing). In The Tag, the gang are playing Pictionary, and we see why Monica gets so angry so easily:
  [Monica has drawn a bird and a hand with a two-headed arrow over it to indicate waving]
  Chandler: Airplane!! Airport! Airport '75! Airport '77! Airport '79! [the timer goes off]
  Rachel: Time's up.
  Monica: [scowls, then taps the hand and the bird in turn] Bye... Bye... Birdie!
  Joey: Ohhh.
  Phoebe: That's a bird? [Monica puts her hands on her hips and glares at Phoebe] That's a bird! [looks away sheepishly]
  Rachel: Okay, okay, it's my turn. [takes a piece of paper, reads the title, then folds it again and throws it on the table as Monica sits down and Chandler resets the timer]
  Chandler: Go! [starts the timer; Rachel draws a bean shape on the pad]
  Ross: Uh... bean. Bean! [Rachel looks at the others and starts tapping the bean insistently with the pen]
  Joey: [flails his arms with excitement] The Unbearable Lightness of Being!
  Rachel: YES! [Joey, Chandler, Ross, and Phoebe cheer]
  Monica: [livid] That you get!? That you get?! [picks up her glass; Rachel hides behind the pad while the other four cover their heads with their arms]

119: TOW The Monkey Gets Away

• Ross lampshades the Your Door Was Open nature of the gang's apartment building:
  [Barry bursts in to Rachel's apartment uninvited]
  Barry: Rachel, I can't. I can't do it, I can't marry Mindy. I think I'm still in love with you.
  [beat]
  Ross: We have GOT to start locking that door!

120: TOW the Evil Orthodontist

• Chandler is staring intently at the telephone, waiting for a girl to call. Monica sneaks up behind him and makes a telephone buzzing/ringing sound. Chandler scrambles for the phone to answer it, realizes he's been tricked, and tells her "Hell is filled with people like you." Monica tosses her head defiantly while smirking.
• Ross is on the couch filling out a crossword puzzle while Phoebe reads the rest of the paper next to him:
  Ross: "Heating device."
  Phoebe: Radiator.
  Ross: Five letters.
  Phoebe: Rdtor. [she smirks at her own joke]
• And when you combine the two...
  Ross: Four letters, "circle or hoop."
  Chandler: Ring, damn it, RING!
  Ross: Thank you.

121: TOW the Fake Monica

• Joey's subplot sees him trying to come up with a Stage Name, leading to a hilarious Troll from Chandler.
  • It starts as a joke that takes an unexpected turn thanks to Joey's usual ignorance:
    Chandler: How about Joey... Pepponi?
    Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.
    Chandler: Joey... Switzerland?
    Joey: [gives Chandler an unamused look as a waitress sets a jug of cream and a mug of coffee on the table] Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joey makes me sound like I'm, I dunno, [gestures with his fingers] this big. [sees the waitress] Which I'm not!
    Chandler: [as the waitress leaves] Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe... Stalin? [chuckles to himself]
    Joey: [looks thoughtful] Stalin. [Chandler looks at him in disbelief] Stalin. Do I know that name? That sounds familiar!
    Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me...
    Joey: Huh. [looks thoughtful again]
    Chandler: But, uh, you're more plugged into that whole show business thing.
    Joey: [writes on a pad] Joe... Stalin. [Chandler tries not to laugh; Joey shows him the page and nods] Y'know, that's pretty good.
    Chandler: [nods] You might wanna try "Joseph".
    Joey: [snaps his fingers as if to say "Yes! Of course!" and changes "Joe" to "Joseph"] Joseph Stalin! [delighted] I think you'd remember that!
    Chandler: Oh yes! [mimes writing on a theatre marquee] "Bye Bye Birdie, with Joseph Stalin." "Joseph Stalin is... the Fiddler on the Roof." [he pats Joey on the back, grinning ear to ear; the oblivious Joey claps him on the thigh in approval]
  • Inevitably, when Joey goes into an audition with his new name, he has problems to report:
    [Joey enters Monica and Rachel's apartment, where Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are sat in the living room]
    Joey: [looking at Chandler] You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?
    Chandler: [feigning innocence] You're kidding.
    Joey: Apparently, he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people! You'd think you would've known that.
    Chandler: [deadpan] You know, you'd think I would've. [exchanges a look with Ross and Rachel] Hey. How about Joey Heatherton?
    Joey: C'mon, seriously! I told ya, I don't wanna go back to Joey! [Rachel chuckles to herself while Ross shrugs in mock innocence] Phoebe. What do you think a good stage name for me would be?
    Phoebe: [looks at Joey for a moment; dramatically] Flame Boy!
  • In The Tag, Joey goes to an audition for Romeo and Juliet with a new stage name... that causes just as many problems as his previous one:
    Bad Actor: [melodramatically] Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand
    That I might... touch thy... cheek!
    Casting Director: [unenthusiastically] That's fine. Thank you.
    Assistant Casting Director: Next.
    [the bad actor leaves the stage and Joey takes his place]
    Joey: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.
    Assistant Casting Director: Name?
    Joey: Holden McGroin.

122: TOW the Ick Factor

• The guys make fun of Monica for dating the much younger Ethan:
  Ross: [looks at camera] It's MORPHIN' TIME! [crosses wrists]
  Joey: TYRANOSAURUS!
  Chandler: TRICERATOPS!
• Monica's reaction to Ethan being a teenager.
  Monica: You shouldn't be here anyway. It's a school night!
• And to make the age difference really pronounced...
  Monica: I'm like one of those women you see with shiny guys named Chad. I'm Joan Collins.
  Ethan: Who?

123: TOW the Birth

• When Monica starts moping over the fact that she isn't having kids yet, Chandler offers her a Fallback Childbirth Pact where if she hasn't found anyone by the time she turns 40 he'll have a baby with her. Monica doesn't take it the way he intended:
  Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm forty?
  Chandler: Oh, no, no. No. I just meant hypothetically.
  Monica: Okay. Hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm forty?
  Chandler: No! No, no—
  Monica: No, what is it? Seriously, is there something fundamentally un-marriable about me?
  Chandler: U-Uhhh...
  Monica: Well?!
  Chandler: [fumbles at back] Dear God, this - this parachute is a knapsack! [rolls off of chair]
• Rachel's joke when Ross worries Carol will give birth in the cab:
  Rachel: Oh, don't worry, Ross, it's probably two dollars for the first contraction and fifty cents for each additional one. [gets glared at] Oh, but when Chandler does it, it's okay?
  Chandler: You have to pick your moments.
• When Carol and Susan finally arrive it turns out they were late because they stopped so Susan could get a snack.
  Ross: Susan wanted a Chunky. We're having a baby, okay, you don't stop for Chunkys!
  Chandler: I used to have that bumper sticker.
  [gang laughs at his joke]
  Chandler: (to Rachel) You see what I mean?

Season 2

201: TOW Ross's New Girlfriend

• Chandler and Joey are sporting new haircuts courtesy of "Vidal Buffay". Monica is impressed with the results and approaches Phoebe to ask about having her hair cut, but her method of bringing up the subject doesn't get the desired result at first:
  Monica: Pheebs! Y'know what I'm thinkin'?
  Phoebe: Oh, okay! [thinks] How... it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it?
  Monica: ... no. Although now that's what I'm thinking...
• Chandler asks if anyone knows a good tailor (when Joey asks if he needs some clothes altered, Chandler snarks that he just wants someone to draw on him with chalk), and we get a classic moment of Joey cluelessness:
  Joey: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No, wait - 16. No - excuse me - 15. [still not sure] All right, when was 1990?
  Chandler: [exchanges a look of disbelief with Monica and Phoebe, then leans in to Joey] Okay... you have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!^note  Matthew Perry has said in interviews that this was his favourite line in the entire series.
• After Ross comes home from China in a relationship with Julie, Rachel follows his lead of going out with an old flame and spends the night with Paolo. Then Ross and Julie arrive the next morning:
  Ross: What are you doing here?
  Paolo: I do Racquela.
• Phoebe agrees - somewhat reluctantly - to cut Monica's hair. Hilarity Ensues when she doesn't quite understand who Monica wanted her hair like:
  Phoebe: Relax, I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it.
  Monica: ... How who wears it?
  Phoebe: Demi Moore.
  Monica: Demi Moore is not a he.
  Phoebe: Well, he was a he in Arthur and in Ten.
  Monica: (stands up) That's DUDLEY Moore! I said I wanted it like DEMI Moore!
  Phoebe: Oh. OH!
  Monica: Oh my GOD!
  Phoebe: Oh my God!
  Monica: OH MY GOD!
  Phoebe: I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'M SORRY! Which one is Demi Moore?
  Monica: She's the actRESS, that was in Disclosure! Indecent Proposal! GHOST!
  Phoebe: Oh! Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
  Monica: I KNOW! THAT'S WHY I WANTED TO LOOK LIKE HER!!
  Phoebe: Oh, I'm... y'know, my mom's... dead...
  Monica: OH MY GOD!
• They later play it as if she has some horrible disease, with Monica in her room and Phoebe at the door, explaining it'll take some time for her to recover. When Joey asks if he can see her, Phoebe tells him he has such pretty hair that it'll probably set Monica off again. She then tells Ross he can come in. Ross realizes a second later what she is implying.
• Joey's tailor turns out to "take advantage" of every customer he has, much to Chandler's horror. Joey is completely oblivious to this:
  Joey: (in a "duh!" tone) That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear.
  (Chandler and Ross stare at Joey)
  Joey: What? Ross, will you tell him. Isn't that how a tailor measures pants?
  Ross: (to Chandler) Yes, yes it is. (to Joey) In prison!
• Joey's Oh, Crap! when he realises the truth moments later. And he eventually decides to call his dad:
  Joey: (on the phone) No, I swear to God, Dad! That's not how they measure pants!
• Later on, Chandler has to explain the difference between acceptable and unacceptable touching to Joey:
  Joey: So when the doctor checks you for a hernia?
  Chandler: That's okay.
• Rachel later uses Phoebe's celebrity confusion when the latter offers to cut Ross's new girlfriend's hair:
  Phoebe: Rachel, just so I don't screw it up again; Andie MacDowell is the actress in Four Weddings and a Funeral, right?
  Rachel: Uh, no. That's Roddy McDowall. Andie MacDowell is the actor in Planet of the Apes.

202: TOW the Breast Milk

• Ross trying to drink Carol's breast milk.
  Ross: Give me the bottle. (squeezes milk onto his arm) Give me the towel. (wipes the milk off and storms away)
• Rachel's reaction to Phoebe testing the milk.
  Rachel: Phoebe, that is juice squeezed from a person!
• Carol is breast-feeding Ben and Joey can't look at it.
  Ross: That is the most natural, beautiful thing in the world.
  Joey: Yeah, but there's a baby sucking on it.
• Joey is working in the perfume section of a department store when a new salesman dressed in a black cowboy outfit horns in on his territory. The whole thing pays like a Western, complete with Showdown at High Noon and Joey Riding into the Sunset (well, a sunset poster, anyway).
  • The scenes with Joey and Chandler, with the latter serving as a bartender.

203: TOW Heckles Dies

• Everyone's Janice imitations, with Joey's clearly being of her having sex with Chandler.
• The gang hears Mr. Heckles banging on the ceiling, so they decide to stomp louder to spite him. Eventually, Heckles stops and the gang cheers in victory... and then we cut to Heckles' body being carted away.
• Heckles left all his possessions to "the loud girls upstairs." Monica is at first ecstatic that he didn't really hate them... then reconsiders when she sees all the tacky crap in Heckles' apartment.
• Along with not beliveing in evolution, Phoebe has her doubts about gravity.
  Ross: You, uh, you don't believe in gravity?
  Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that, you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
  (Knock on door)
  Chandler: Uh-oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed!
• One of Heckles' possessions is a large magnifying reading glass that the guys keep walking in front off, making their crotches look huge. Monica gives a heartfelt speech in front of it, undercut by the others laughing at her looking like she has Hartman Hips. In the end, Joey keeps it for himself.
• While explaining that he's worried that he'll end up like Mr. Heckles, Chandler hears footsteps on the ceiling and grabs the broom to bang on the ceiling, just as Heckles used to do. The horrified look on Joey and Phoebe's faces, followed by Chandler's startled realization, is hilarious.

204: TOW Phoebe's Husband

• Rachel getting attacked by a pigeon. Forgot how high Jennifer Aniston can shriek. Made even funnier by her attempts to catch the pigeon.
  Rachel: That's right, you just read the Family Circus [advances on pigeon with a cooking pot] Enjoy the gentle comedy...
• And when Rachel first meets Phoebe's husband, she opens the pot in surprise, and lets the pigeon go. Phoebe's husband is really impressed, and asks how she did it. Which leads to the gang revealing secrets about each other.
  Chandler: [after revealing Joey appeared in a porn movie] If I'm going down, I'm taking everyone with me!
• Chandler attempts to embarrass Joey by digging up the porn movie he was in early in his career. Since Joey didn't actually take part in the sex scenes he's happy to watch and narrate his performance for the gang. His role was "copier repair guy who catches the couple doing it on the machine".
  Joey: I can't get to the copier, I'm thinking "What do I do? What do I do?". So I just watch them have sex.

205: TOW Five Steaks and an Eggplant

• Ross finds a message for Chandler on his answering machine:
  Ross: Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?
  Chandler: Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number, because she thinks that my number is Bob's number.
  Ross: Hey, tell me again, what do I do when Mr. Roper calls?
• In the tag scene, the woman calls the apartment again, with Joey lying on the couch instead of Chandler. Originally, Joey was going to answer it, but he tripped on his way to the phone, which was deemed more hilarious, so it was left in.

206: TOW the Baby on the Bus

• Ross makes the dubious decision to leave his baby son Ben with Chandler and Joey when a slice of Monica's kiwi lime pie causes a flare-up of his kiwi allergy, forcing Monica to rush him to the hospital for an allergy shot.
  Ross: [with a tongue swollen from his allergic reaction to the kiwi] Throw up a throw-throw - a throw-throw!
  Joey: Consider it done.
  Chandler: [to Joey] You understood that?
  Joey: Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue.
  Chandler: Is he the one with the beautiful wife?
• Phoebe's songs are always good for laughs, and since this episode features a subplot in which a professional guitarist is given Phoebe's gig at Central Perk, there are several sterling examples of her... unique songwriting skills.
  • Near the beginning of the episode, she plays Rachel a song she wrote in the shower that morning:
    I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song
    Stop me if you've heard it
    My skin is soapy and my hair is wet
    And "Tegrin" spelled backwards is "nirget"
    [...]
    Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat... as needed
  • Just before Phoebe meets her replacement, we get another snippet:
    Phoebe: [singing] ... with the double double double-jointed boy.
• In a brief crossover with Caroline in the City, Joey and Chandler meet Caroline when trying to find someone to show Ben to and she mistakes them for a gay couple who adopted a baby.^note  The evening this episode premiered (2 November 1995) was promoted as a crossover evening, with David Schwimmer making an extended guest appearance as Ross in The Single Guy on the episode "Neighbors", and Matthew Perry making a return crossover appearance as Chandler in the Caroline in the City episode "Caroline and the Folks".
  Caroline: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through?
• Joey and Chandler accidentally leaving Ben on the bus and running after the bus.
  Joey: BEN!
  Chandler: Oh, that's good, maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord!
• So Chandler calls the New York Transit Authority from a payphone; neither he nor Joey impress the person at the other end:
  Chandler: Come on, pick up, pick up!... Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus... Yes, I do realise that would be a very stupid character.
  Joey: [grabs the phone] Hi, here's the deal. We lost a car seat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. [Beat; holds the phone to Chandler] He wants to talk to you again.
• When they get to transit authorities, the Transit Authority guy assumes that one of them is the father. Their response?
  Chandler: That's me.
  Joey: I'm him.
  Chandler: Actually, uh, [puts his arm around Joey] we're both the father.
• When Joey and Chandler go into the room with the babies, they find two of them. However, one is wearing ducks and the other one is wearing clowns. Joey and Chandler flip a coin for the baby. The coin lands on heads, and then we get this:
  Chandler: We have to assign heads to something.
  Joey: Right. Okay, okay, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.
  (Beat)
  Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?
• At the end when Joey and Chandler come home with the baby:
  Ross: I'm here. How's my little boy? Want Daddy to change your diaper? So, did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today?
  Joey: Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today.
  Ross: Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus—Hey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt?
  Chandler: You, you are gonna love this.
  Ross: [handing Ben to Monica] Will you hold Ben for a sec? [chasing after Chandler and Joey] Come here. Come here.
  Chandler: [grabbing Monica's pie as he and Joey try to get away] Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, run!

207: TOW Where Ross Finds Out

• During Chandler's work out routine, Monica and Chandler start pretending to hit each other which turns into a Sissy Fight culminating in Monica actually pushing over Chandler.
• Rachel's voicemail to Ross.
• Ross hadn't had the chance to hear his voice messages and asks if he can hear it on Rachel's phone, Rachel unwittingly tells him to go ahead. Her expression when he tells her he got a message from her is priceless.
  • Rachel jumping on Ross to prevent him from hearing her voicemail is peak physical comedy from Jennifer Anniston.
• Rachel fesses up her feelings to Ross, they both are acting like kids dealing with a school yard crush. Also Ross' line:
  Ross: You're over me? When-when were you...under me?

208: TOW the List

• Chandler is so proud of his new laptop's capabilities, when today it's laughably inadequate compared to a cellphone.
  Chandler: All right, check out this bad boy, 12 megabytes of RAM, 500 megabyte hard drive, built-in spreadsheet capabilities, and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 bps.^note  Well, it was state of the art... in 1995.
  Phoebe: Wow! What are you gonna use it for?
  Chandler: Games and stuff.
• This episode includes another classic Phoebe song entitled "The Two of Them Kissed Last Night", a very thinly veiled fictionalisation of Ross' conundrum of having to choose between Rachel and Julie.
  There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy, let's call him Neil
  Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real
  Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside
  Will Betty be the one who he loves truly, or will it be the one who we'll call Ju—Loolie
  He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide
• Monica's subplot in this episode sees her being hired to help market Mockolate, a synthetic chocolate substitute (that, judging from the reaction of both Monica and everyone who eats the food she creates with it, tastes absolutely awful - and, her employer implies, may carry health risks), and includes a moment so funny it ended up having to be re-written and only appears in the gag reel. Monica makes a batch of Mockolate chip cookies for Rachel and Phoebe; Phoebe eats one and says, "This must be what evil tastes like." However, we know from the gag reel that the original line was "Jesus, Monica, these are the cookies they serve in hell!" The line had to be changed because Lisa Kudrow simply could not say the line without laughing.
• Ross agonizes over having to choose between Rachel and Julie. Chandler can't sympathize.
  Ross: What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.
  Chandler: Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh no, two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight!"
• Though it ends on a Tear Jerker with Rachel's reaction to what Ross thinks are her cons, the boys' panicked trying to keep the list away from her. Particularly Chandler's "reading" the "short story".
  Chandler: It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch! "Oh, look," cried Ned. And then the kingdom was his forever, the end!

210: TOW Russ

• Rachel starts dating Ross' doppelganger, a periodontist named Russ (played by David Schwimmer in a wig and false chin). Phoebe, Monica, Chandler, and Joey all notice the resemblance immediately, but Ross and Russ do not (Ross even indulges in a bit of Hypocritical Humor regarding Russ' vocal mannerisms), and neither does Rachel until Phoebe draws her attention to it, at which point she cannot unsee it and drops Russ like a sack of potatoes. In The Tag, a dejected Russ runs into Chandler and Phoebe at Central Perk, and then Ross' ex-girlfriend Julie shows up, and it's Love at First Sight, complete with romantic music swelling on the soundtrack... and looks of utter disbelief on Chandler and Phoebe's faces.
• This episode sees the beginning of the story arc in which Joey is cast in Days of Our Lives. He stops by the office of his agent, Estelle, and tells her he got a callback (though he goes on to tell her that the (female) casting director was flirting with him and implied that a session on the Casting Couch would guarantee him the part). Her initial reaction to the news of his callback is hilarious:
  Estelle: Have you ever seen me ecstatic?
  Joey: No.
  Estelle: Well, here it is. [cracks a really small smile that looks more like she just smelled something unpleasant]
• When Joey brings up the impression he had that he was expected to perform sexual favors for the part, Estelle calls the casting director to "straighten it out."
  Estelle: So, how about Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver? Isn't he terrific? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, doll, I'll talk to you later. [hangs up] Yeah, you're going to have to sleep with her.
• Two subplots are wrapped up in the last scene before the credits, as Monica discovers that Fun Bobby only seems fun because of his alcoholism, and going on the wagon makes him incredibly dull - prompting Monica to start drinking just to endure her time with him and making him concerned that she is becoming alcoholic herself, leading him to end their relationship. Cue Ross and Chandler paying out Side Bets to Phoebe and Rachel, respectively. Then Joey arrives and announces that he couldn't go on the Casting Couch with the Days of Our Lives casting director after all - only to be offered a larger role as a result (and, as implied by his announcement that he needs to take a shower, he apparently slept with her anyway). Cue Phoebe and Rachel paying their money back to Ross and Chandler.

211: TOW the Lesbian Wedding

• Monica is doing the catering for Carol and Susan's wedding, and has roped the others (except Rachel) into helping.
  Monica: Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you want to see me cry?
  Phoebe: Sir, no, sir!
• Monica choosing to tell Rachel her lame cooking idea for the wedding at the most inappropriate moment possible (her mother has just told her she wants to divorce her father):
  Monica: Alright, tell me if this is too cute: Lesbian wedding: chicken breast?
  Rachel: [horrified at her mother's news] Oh, God... I think I'm gonna be sick... [runs to the bathroom]
  Monica: Why? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them!
• This joke got a laugh for nearly a minute.
  Phoebe: Did your wife have any unfinished business?
  Mr. Adelman: She said she wanted to see everything.
  Phoebe: Oh wow that's a lot.
  Mr. Adelman: She also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time.

212-13: TO After the Super Bowl

• Joey asks Chandler what they're going to do for dinner. Chandler responds that they could stay in and cook for themselves. After a beat both break out in laughter at the utter absurdity of that idea.
• Phoebe's four different songs in the first half. These were songs she wrote to sing to children. Doubles as heartwarming when the children she was performing for track her down because they like that her songs speak the truth, rather than the mushy material they are used to.
  Now Grandma's a person who everyone likes,
  She bought you a train and a bright shiny bike.
  Well, lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,
  And the last time you saw her she looked so much thinner...
  Now your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
  But the truth is she died, and someday you will too.

  There'll be times when you get older
  When you'll want to sleep with people
  Just to make them like you...
  But don't!
  Because that's another thing that you don't wanna do,
  That's another thing that you don't wanna do.

  Now the cow in the meadow goes "Moo."
  Now the cow in the meadow goes "Moo."
  Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up
  And that's how we get hamburgers!
  [spoken] Nowwww, chickens!

  Sometimes men love women,
  And sometimes men love men,
  And then there are bisexuals,
  But some just say they're kidding themselves...
• Monica and Rachel discover that they have both been dating Jean-Claude Van Damme and get into a fight with each other. Phoebe breaks them apart by dragging them away by their ears. After Rachel agrees to break things off with him, we get the following reaction from Phoebe:
  Phoebe: If we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
• In order to convince a Loony Fan that Joey is Dr Drake Remoray's evil twin, Rachel and Monica use some soap opera cliches and throw their drinks at him. Chandler doesn't want to be outdone...
  Rachel: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me!
  [Throws water in Joey's face]
  Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he DIDN'T!
  [Throws water in Joey's face]
  Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard!
  [Throws water in Joey's face]

214: TOW the Prom Video

• In the episode's Chandler/Joey subplot, Joey, now financially stable after being cast on Days of Our Lives, buys Chandler a gaudy gold bracelet to thank him for financially supporting him while he was a starving actor. Unfortunately, Joey walks into Central Perk while Chandler is telling Phoebe how ridiculous he finds the bracelet, and Chandler spends the rest of the episode trying to atone.
  • Chandler's attempts to apologize for making fun of the bracelet go downhill when he discovers that he lost it. He then lifts up the seat cushions, and Joey sees him.
    Chandler: I am here on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in Biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now...
  • Chandler finally buys a replacement bracelet, only for Rachel to find the one he lost. When Joey sees the two bracelets, Chandler covers by saying he got him one as an apology.
    Joey: [excited] We're bracelet buddies!
    Chandler: [horrified] That's what they'll call us!
• The gang is watching an old video of "FatMonica"; present-day Monica protests, "Come on, the camera adds ten pounds!"... prompting Chandler to snark, "So how many cameras are actually on you?"
• Another classic David Schwimmer physical comedy moment: in the video, when everyone thinks Rachel's prom date is standing her up, Jack and Judy Geller suggest Ross go as her date. He is in such a mad dash to go upstairs to change into his father's tuxedo that he trips on the stairs.

215: TOW Ross and Rachel... You Know

• This episode sees the debut of Chandler and Joey's leather recliners, which they refuse to leave for most of the rest of the episode. Phoebe tries to get them to quit watching the TV for the first time in hours, only to flip out and join them when they turn on Xanadu of all things.
• The absurd lengths they go to to avoid having to get up. They have food delivered to Monica and Rachel's apartment. When Joey raises the possibility they might have to use the bathroom, Chandler calls the pizza place to cancel their sodas.
• Joey and Chandler watching (and acting like) Beavis and Butt-Head.
• During Ross and Rachel's impromptu date at the museum, they have a picnic in the planetarium. Ross turns on the projector so the entire room is lit up beautifully with stars... and then a loud recording bellows “FIVE BILLION YEARS AGO...” as Ross scrambles to turn it off. They then start making out, only for Rachel to pull back, tenderly telling Ross that it's okay he, uh, got excited too quickly. Ross is quick to tell her that they had simply rolled over one of the juice boxes.

216: TOW Joey Moves Out

• Rachel grows reluctant about her plan to get a tattoo since it might not please Ross. Cue to this exchange :
  Phoebe: Is your boyfriend the boss of you?
  Rachel: No...
  Phoebe: Who is the boss of you?
  Rachel: ...You?
  Phoebe: No! You are the boss of you!
• A woman working at the tattoo place refers to Pheebs and Rach as "blonde girl" and "not-so-blonde girl" respectively.
• Rachel is pissed off at Phoebe for goading her into getting a tattoo while chickening out of her plan to get her own tattoo of a lily (her dead mother's name).
  Rachel: Your mother is up in heaven going, "Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?!"
• Everyone at Monica's father's birthday party knows Richard is dating a younger woman, but only Ross knows it's Monica, leading to some awkward moments. Richard's Squicked expression at the last part sells it.
  Richard: I am not telling you guys anything.
  Jack: C'mon Rich, it's my birthday, let me live vicariously.
  Ross: Dad, you really don't want to do that...
  Jack: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?
  Richard: Jack, would you let it go?
  Jack: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50, I got the Porsche. You, you got your own little speedster.
  Richard: Guys, seriously, it is not like that.
  Jack: Tell you what. Maybe one of these weekends, you can borrow the car, and I could...
  Ross: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence...
• Richard and Monica briefly hiding in the bathroom together turns extremely awkward as Judy comes in just as Richard comes out, as he rather loudly congratulates Judy on using the bathroom so that Monica knows to hide in the shower. Judy is of course extremely weirded out.
  • Then Jack comes in the bathroom while Judy is in there. They then start getting frisky, while Monica is still hiding in the shower.
  • After Jack and Judy rejoin the party, Ross notices Monica following them, looking shell-shocked.
    Ross: Mon? Mon, are you okay?
    Monica: You know that video I found of Mom and Dad?
    Ross: Yeah?
    Monica: I just caught the live show.
    Ross: Ew?
  • Jack is understandably upset to find out that Monica and Richard are dating, which Monica shut down very quickly.
    Monica: You said yourself that you've never seen Richard happier.
    Jack: When did I say that?
    Monica: In the bathroom, right before you felt up Mom!

217: TOW Eddie Moves In

• Ross pranking Monica by telling her Richard is on the phone when it was their mom.
  Monica: Hi sweetie - before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your place? (realizes who she's talking to) Hi mom. (starts throwing things at a chuckling Ross)

220: TOW Film/Old Yeller Dies

• Phoebe finally sees the end of films her family wouldn't let her watch.
  Phoebe: I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, watcha doin' with that gun? Oh, no! No, no, Travis, put down the gun. No, no, no, no, he... he's your buddy, he's your Yeller! No, no, no, the end! The end!
  [BOOM]
  Phoebe: Okay, what kind of sick doggie snuff-movie is this?
• And apparently Old Yeller was not the only film that was switched off before it ended in the Buffay home:
  Phoebe: What is happening to the world? I mean, because E.T. leaves, and... and Rocky loses, Charlotte dies...
  Richard: Charlotte who?
  Phoebe: With the web. The spider, she dies, she dies. She has babies and dies. It's like, you know: Hey, welcome home from the hospital. Thud.
• Monica offers Chandler and Joey leftover chicken and potatoes from her dinner with Richard.
  Monica: All right, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
  Chandler: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?
• The gang try to convince Phoebe that It's a Wonderful Life lives up to its title:
  Phoebe: Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, The Pride of the Yankees. I thought I was gonna see a film about yankee pride, and then, boom! The guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease.
  Richard: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming?
• Richard accepts Chandler and Joey's offer of a spare New York Knicks ticket. Monica is concerned, but Richard shrugs it off:
  Richard: Don't worry, I like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends. They don't start sentences with, "You know who just died shoveling snow?"
• Monica wonders why it bothers her that Richard has gone to the basketball game with Chandler and Joey instead of spending the evening with her. Phoebe takes the long view:
  Phoebe: Does it matter? You're ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pet's head off.
• Chandler's mustache draws fire immediately.
  Ross: Look, it's the artist formerly known as Chandler.
  Monica: With that mustache, doesn't Chandler remind you of Aunt Sylvia?
  Ross: THANK YOU!
• Ross gets a bit carried away planning his future with Rachel:
  Rachel: I don't know, you tell me! One minute I'm holding Ben like a football. The next thing I know, I've got two kids and I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes!
  Ross: Well I'm sorry. I think about stuff. You know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind wanders.
• Richard wipes the table with Joey and Chandler at foosball:
  Richard: But... he gets it back, passes to the middle, lines it up, and... bam! Yes! Could that shot be any prettier?
  Joey: Man, you are incredible!
  Richard: Well, we had a table in college.
  Chandler: Oh, really? I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's.
  Richard: Nice moustache, by the way. When puberty hits that thing's really gonna kick in.

222: TOW the Two Parties

• In The Teaser, the gang are at the Moondance diner planning a surprise birthday party for Rachel, and Monica, true to form, has more formal and upmarket ideas for what the party should involve than the others.
  • Ross tries to slow down his sister's overly obsessive plans for the party, to no avail:
    Monica: So I'll get candles, and my mom's lace tablecloth, and since it's Rachel's birthday, and we want it to be special, I thought I'd poach a salmon. [Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Ross all groan] What!?
    Ross: Question: Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?
    Monica: [glares at Ross] You wanna be in charge of the food committee?
    Ross: Question 2: Why do we always have to have parties with committees?
  • Joey, however, is too distracted by the fake breasts on her work uniform to care about party details:
    Monica: [noticing Joey staring] Joey, they're not real.
    Joey: [roused from his daydreaming] Huh? What?
    Monica: I start miles below the surface of these things, okay, they're fake. See? [squeezes one of the fake breasts] Honk, honk!
    Chandler: Wow, it's... it's like porno for clowns.
• At Central Perk, Rachel returns from her sister's college graduation in a sour mood:
  Ross: Hi honey, how did it go?
  Rachel: Ugh, it was the graduation from Hell.
  Chandler: Y'know, my cousin went to Hell on a football scholarship.
• It turns out that Rachel's parents got into a very loud argument over their increasingly bitter divorce during the commencement address (to the point that the speaker, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, had to shush them). Unfortunately, Monica has already invited Mrs. Green, and as final preparations are being made (involving, to little enthusiasm from Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe, a birthday flan instead of a birthday cake) while Ross has taken Rachel out for dinner, Dr. Green stops by unannounced, leading to a parade of hilarity as the four friends try to keep the warring couple apart:
  Monica: [answering the door] Dr. Green! Oh my God, it's Rachel's dad. [Joey lets go of the balloon he has just inflated in shock, causing it to fly around as it deflates] What are you doing here?
  Dr. Green: What? The father can't drop by to see the daughter on her birthday?
  Monica: [chuckles, thinking fast] No, no, the father can, but, um... since I am the roommate, I can tell you that she's not here and I'll pass along the message, okay? So, bye-bye!
  Dr. Green: [smiling, seeing through the ruse] Ohhh, you're having a par-ty! [walks past Monica into the apartment]
  Monica: [closing the door after him] No no, not a party, just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows. [gestures to the others] Um, this is Phoebe, and Chandler, and Joey.
  Dr. Green: ... I'll never remember all of that. So, uh, what's the deal? Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff, is that it? [walks over to the booze table, looks over the bottles, then picks up a bottle of scotch and pours himself a glass]
  Chandler: This isn't your first surprise party, is it, sir? [Dr. Green gives him an unamused look]
  [someone knocks on the door; Monica opens it to reveal Mrs. Green]
  Mrs. Green: Hi Monica-
  Monica: [slams the door shut and turns to the others; Chandler hurries over next to her] Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus.
  Chandler: So... basically, just a Chinese guy! [more knocking]
  Joey: Uh, hey, Dr. Green, why don't you come with me, we'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed.
  Dr. Green: [deadpan] All right, that sounds like a two-person job. [sets down his glass and follows Joey into Rachel's bedroom; Mrs. Green knocks yet again, but Monica waits until Joey and Dr. Green leave to open the door]
  Mrs. Green: [bemused] Well, my goodness, what was that?
  Monica: Sandra, I am so sorry, you know, I thought you were Rachel and we just weren't ready for you yet.
  Mrs. Green: [confused] You thought I was Rachel?
  Chandler: Yes, because, uh, you look so young!
  Phoebe: And because you're both - y'know - white women.
  Mrs. Green: [beaming] Oh, I missed you kids. Well, should I put my coat in the bedroom?
  Chandler: [quickly] NO!... No, I'll take that for you.
  Mrs. Green: [lets Chandler remove her coat] Oh, well, thank you! Such a gentleman. [handing the coat to Chandler] Thank you. [Chandler looks at the (hot pink) coat and grimaces, while Mrs. Green takes in the decorations] Ah, it all looks so nice, so festive, all the balloons... [Chandler remembers that Dr. Green is in Rachel's bedroom, so he stuffs the coat in a cupboard in the entertainment console] The funniest thing happened to me on the way here. [laughs] I was-
  Phoebe: [sees Joey peeking out of Rachel's bedroom to check if the coast is clear] Ha ha, that's great! [obvious fake laugh] I can't wait to hear the rest of it, y'know, but, I really have to go to the bathroom, so... hey, come with me!
  Mrs. Green: What??
  Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, it'll be like we're gal pals, y'know, like at a restaurant. Oh, it'll be fun, c'mon! C'mon! [Mrs. Green looks at Monica, who smiles and nods; Phoebe heads to the bathroom, still fake laughing, and Mrs. Green follows her in]
  Monica: [panicking] Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God...
  Chandler: [bounding over the sofa] Okay! Okay, think... what would Jack and Chrissy do?
  Joey: [peeks out of the bedroom again] Okay, now that your coat is safely in the bedr- [Chandler gestures to the bathroom; Joey gets the message] oh, okay, we can come back out into the living room. [exits the bedroom with Dr. Green]
  Monica: So, uh, Joey and Chandler, I, I think it's time you take Dr. Green over to your place.
  Chandler: [races across to Joey and Dr. Green] Uh, yes, absolutely, um... why, again?
  Monica: Because that's where the party is, you goon! See, this is just the staging area.
  Joey: Right, this is staging.
  Chandler: Yeah, this, more than anything else, is the staging area. [he and Joey escort Dr. Green to the door; Dr. Green notices the "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" sign over the door and gestures to it as if to say "Then what's that doing there?"]
  Joey: This is clearly in the wrong apartment! [pulls the sign down as the three of them exit]
• And so Chandler and Joey direct the incoming guests to two parties, a more traditional and raucous party in their own apartment and the staid, formal party Monica has planned in her and Rachel's apartment. Unsurprisingly, they mostly direct the female guests to their own party and the male guests to Monica's party.
• Ross and Rachel return from their dinner date, and Rachel is ushered to first Monica's party (attended by her mother), then Chandler and Joey's party (attended by her father).
  Rachel: Both of them are here? Both of them? Both of them are here?
  Chandler: Well, uh, well, we could count again.
• The two parties quickly become a study in contrast.
  • Chandler and Joey have a fantastic time at their party:
    Chandler: [running out of the bathroom] Joey, Joey! Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said "I want you, Dennis," and stuck her tongue down my throat! I love this party!
    Joey: [holding a volleyball] Quick - quick volleyball question.
    Chandler: Volleyball.
    Joey: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?
    Chandler: Joey, a woman just stuck her tongue down my throat, I'm not even listening to you.
    Female voice: Dennis!...
    Chandler: Okay, that's me! [runs back into the bathroom]
  • But the guests at Monica's party make no secret of their boredom. When she asks them to write down their most embarrassing memories on slips of paper (with strict instructions to replace the caps on the felt-tip pens - and, more specifically, to push them down until they hear a "click" - so they don't dry out), one of them writes, "Monica, your party sucks." It gets so bad that Phoebe pretends to see water rings left by glasses without coasters as a distraction to smuggle guests across to Chandler and Joey's party. When Monica eventually shows up at Chandler and Joey's to complain about the noise, she is livid to discover half the guests from her party dancing in their living room, but her rant is cut off by a volleyball to the back of her head.
• Rachel has to listen to her parents complaining about each other at turns, though it seems that one of them might be more justified than the other...
  Mrs. Green: You work and you work and you work at a marriage but all he cares about is his stupid boat!
  cut to:
  Mr. Green: You work and you work and you work on a boat...
• At one point, Dr. Green asks Ross to fetch him a glass of scotch, neat (which Ross initially misinterprets as a synonym for "cool" instead of "no ice"), and then tries to retrieve his cigarettes and bifocals. Ross, thinking fast, offers to get them instead, creating a bizarre impression with Mrs. Green when he runs into her:
  Mrs. Green: [as Ross picks up a bottle of scotch] Oh, hello, Ross! Where have you been? [kisses him on the cheek]
  Ross: Hi. Uh... I have been in the bathroom. Stay clear of the salmon mousse. [pours a glass from the bottle]
  Mrs. Green: Oh, scotch neat. You know, that's Rachel's father's drink.
  Ross: Oh, mine too! Huh, isn't that neat, scotch neat! [forced laugh] Would you excuse me? [exits to the corridor to see Dr. Green heading across to Monica and Rachel's apartment] Hey, hey, where you, uh, sneaking off to, mister?
  Dr. Green: [points to Monica and Rachel's apartment] I'm getting my cigarettes out of my jacket.
  Ross: No, no.
  Dr. Green: [impatiently] Whaddaya mean "No"!?
  Ross: No, um, see, 'cause that, that is, that's the staging area. If you go in there, it'll ruin the whole illu-u-usion of the party. Yeah, I think you take your scotch back in there, and I will get your cigarettes for you, sir.
  Dr. Green: [as he re-enters Chandler and Joey's] Get my glasses too.
  Ross: All righty roo. [closes the door and pauses, pinching the bridge of his nose] What a great moment to say that for the first time.
  [...]
  Mrs. Green: [seeing Ross with the glasses and cigarettes] Ross, whose glasses are those?
  Ross: ... Mine.
  Mrs. Green: You wear bifocals?
  Ross: Mm-hmm. I have a condition, apparently, [puts the glasses on] that I require... two different sets of focals.
  Mrs. Green: Do you know my husband has glasses just like that?
  Ross: Well!...
  Rachel: Well, those are very popular frames.
  Ross: Neil Sedaka wears them!
  Guest: [to Phoebe] I hear you can get people out of here?
  Mrs. Green: [looks at the cigarettes] Rachel, you didn't tell me your boyfriend smoked.
  Rachel: Oh, yeah, like a chimney!
  Ross: Ohh, big smoker! [taps the pack of cigarettes against his palm, accidentally flinging one at Mrs. Green; he picks it up off the floor] Big, big smoker. [puts the cigarette in his mouth, looking utterly ridiculous] In fact, I'm gonna go out in the hallway and fire up this bad boy! [exits and almost walks into Dr. Green]
  Dr. Green: [takes in the sight of Ross with a cigarette in his mouth and bifocals on his nose] Are you wearing my glasses?
  Ross: ... Yes. [removes them and hands them over] I was just warming up the earpieces for you.
  Dr. Green: Thank you. [polishes the lenses with his sweater, then notices the cigarette in Ross' mouth] Is that one of my cigarettes?
  Ross: [removes it, taking a second to get it unstuck from the inside of his upper lip, and hands it over] Yeah! Yes it is, I was just... moistening the... tip.
  [...]
  Rachel: You want me to see a therapist!?
  Mrs. Green: Sweetheart, you obviously have a problem. You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father!
• Chandler commiserates with Rachel on her parents' divorce, and reveals that his coping mechanism for his own parents' divorce was... creative:
  Chandler: Hey... how you holdin' up there, tiger? [Rachel gives him a look] Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced, I got a lot of "tiger"s. Got a lot of "champ"s, "chief"s, "sport"s, I even got a "governor"!
  Rachel: [deflated] This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what my life's gonna be like. [gestures] My mom there, my dad there. Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler, how did you get through this?
  Chandler: Well, I relied on a carefully regimented programme of denial and, and wetting the bed.
• As the parties wind down, Joey is quick on his feet when it looks like Rachel's parents are going to come in contact with one another. The best part is Mrs. Green's reaction:
  Phoebe: Well, I guess we're gonna be going back into the hallway now...
  Joey: Thanks for coming, Mrs. Green! [smooch] [Mrs. Green goes limp in Joey's arms as Rachel accompanies Dr. Green to the top of the stairs and they exchange goodbyes] Well, okay, you take care!
  Mrs Green: Oh, you kids! [stroking Joey's face and chest, then putting her hand to her own chest] Well, this is the best party I've ever been to in years...
  Monica: [throwing her arms wide in relief] THANK you!
• In The Tag, we get the payoff of the flan instead of a cake and the volleyball game. Rachel makes a birthday wish, blows out the candles, and a volleyball lands right in the middle of the flan.
  Rachel: Wow, those things almost never come true!

224: TOW Barry and Mindy's Wedding

• Chandler is pursuing online romance, and inevitably Phoebe observes that for all he knows, his "girlfriend" could "be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or... it could be a guy."^note  Ultimately, the identity of his online girlfriend is worse than any of those: it's Janice. Joey has a foolproof test for the last of those:
  Joey: Just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men.
  Chandler: [looks at Joey in disbelief] How do you not fall down more?
• Joey is auditioning for a film in which he has to kiss another man, so he tries putting the moves on every other male character in the episode. Finally, in The Tag, Ross plants a big kiss on Joey... who tells him that his audition was that morning and he didn't get the part, but that Rachel is a very lucky girl...

Season 3

301: TOW the Princess Leia Fantasy

• The Teaser sees the gang entering Central Perk as usual, with Joey insisting that a girl winked at him... but their conversation is cut short when they find their usual sofa occupied. So they immediately turn around and leave, dejected.
• Joey watches Wheel of Fortune:
  [the first M of "Mount Rushmore" is missing]
  Joey: This guy is so stupid. IT'S COUNT RUSHMORE!
  Chandler: Y'know, you should really go on this show!
  [later in the scene, after an argument with Chandler over Joey's hatred of Janice]
  Chandler: Oh, and by the way, there IS no Count Rushmore!!
  Joey: Yeah? Then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?
  [Chandler gives Joey a look of pure, concerned bewilderment before he leaves]
• Ross gets embarrassed that Rachel tells Monica and Phoebe that he secretly wants her to role-play as Princess Leia in her (in)famous gold bikini from Return of the Jedi during sex. After Rachel tells him that sharing is what girls do, he tries it with Chandler, who ends up sharing...a bit too much.
  Chandler: Okay, you know, you know when you're in bed, with a woman.
  Ross: Hmm.
  Chandler: And, ah, you know, you're fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place....
  Ross: With the belly-button ring? Oh, muhawa!
  Chandler: I know! And then all of the sudden your mom pops into your head. And you're like: "Mom?! Get outta here!" You know, but of course, like, after that you can't possibly think of anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what you're doing! So it's kinda like, you're, y'know. Y'know...
  [Ross just stares at him in horror]
  Chandler: You don't know!
  Ross: [nauseated] Your mom...? You're telling— you're telling me, abou— about your mom, what is the matter with you?!
  Chandler: YOU SAID—
  Ross: I said "share", not "scare"! Got sit over there.
  [Chandler moves to another chair away from Ross and puts his head down like a sad child.]
• This becomes a Brick Joke at the end of the episode when Rachel has actually bought a Slave Leia costume and is about to play out Ross's fantasy — when she notices that he has a really weird look on his face. And for added hilarity if you're a Star Wars fan, Rachel actually DID get the hair wrong.^note She is wearing Leia's iconic double "cinnamon roll" buns that only appear in A New Hope, while during that particular scene in Return of the Jedi, her hair looks like this.◊
  Rachel: Honey, what is it? Did I get it wrong, did I get the hair wrong? Or what? Did you just picture it differently?
  Ross: No, it's not you, it's...
  [cut to Ross's mom stood where Rachel is wearing the exact same clothes and wig]
  Judy Geller as Rachel: Well, what is it? C'mon, sweetie, you're kind of, like, freaking me out here.
  Ross: [nauseated] I hate Chandler. The bastard ruined my life.

302: TOW No-One's Ready

• "LOOK AT ME, I'M CHANDLER! Could I BE wearing any more clothes?!" Especially hilarious is Chandler's reaction to Joey saying he's still going commando while wearing all of Chandler's clothes. The lines leading up to this exchange are also worth a mention:
  Joey: Where's my underwear?
  Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what, you took his underwear?
  Chandler: He took my essence!
  Ross: Okay, hold on. Joey, why-why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?
  Joey: 'Cause I'm not wearing any underwear now.
  Ross: Okay. Um, then, why do you have to wear underwear tonight?
  Joey: It's a rented tux! Okay, I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.
  Chandler: Well, then, it looks like somebody's gonna have to give somebody back his cushions.
  Joey: Okay. You hide my clothes, I'm going to do the exact opposite to you!
  Chandler [completely incredulous]: Wha... What, are you-What, are you gonna SHOW me my clothes?
  Joey: Hey, opposite... is opposite!
  [later, Joey bursts in wearing all of Chandler's clothes, which leaves Chandler completely astonished]
  Joey: Okay, buddy boy, here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own!
  Chandler: Oh my god! That is SO not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!
• Pretty much anything involving Joey, Chandler, and the chair.
  Chandler: All right, fine, I'm going, but when I get back it's CHAIR CITY, and I'm the guy who's....s-sitting in a CHAIR!
• When they accidentally spill hummus on Phoebe's dress, the best she can sputter out in rage is "Oh my God, you...ROTTEN BOYS!"
• When Monica hacks into Richard's answering machine to erase the past messages and leaves one explaining what happened (even blaming her erratic behaviour on her period), she accidentally saves it as the out-going message. Cue her calling Richard's machine and hearing her message play. Monica's Big "NO!" (twice!) sells it.
  Monica: Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe they could change the message. Maybe they can change his number!
  Phoebe: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that himself.

305: TOW Frank Jr.

• Joey innocently points out to Monica that her bathroom floor is "old and dingy", leading to the following exchange. The best part is Monica's completely serious reaction to the different colour of the floor under the hamper:
  Monica: [seeing Joey's tight jeans] Hey! Where ya' headed in those pants, 1982?
  Joey: [helping himself to a beer from the fridge] Oh, Monica, listen, I saw down at the hardware store they got those designer tiles on sale, if you ever wanna redo your bathroom floor.
  Monica: What's wrong with my bathroom floor?
  Joey: Nothing, it's just... old and dingy, that's all.
  Monica: [smiles] I highly doubt that.
  Joey: [chuckles] Oh, yeah? [heads for the bathroom] If you, uh... move your hamper, you can see the colour the tile used to be. [pulls the laundry hamper away from the wall; Monica gasps in horror] Yeah.
  Monica: I can't live like this! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
  Joey: Relax, relax! Here, hold this. [hands her his beer bottle] This old stuff comes right up, I'll show you. [bends down and scrapes at the floor just in front of the door with a gouge]
  Monica: [her eyes drawn to Joey's tight jeans again] Little more than I wanted to see.
  Joey: [gouges out a chunk of tile] Aw! Look at that! Every inch of this is glued down! It'd take forever to pry this up! [replaces the gouge in his tool belt and takes his beer back] You should, uh, you should just leave it. [starts to leave]
  Monica: [grabs Joey and pulls him back] I can't leave it! You gouged a hole in my dingy floor!
  Joey: [picks up the toilet brush holder from next to the sink and puts it over the gouge - right in the middle of the doorway - then stands back proudly] Eh? There you go!
  Monica: Aw. That's nice! You know, we can put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon!
• The entirety of Isabella Rossellini's guest appearance, and Ross's painfully awkward conversation where he states she was originally on his (laminated!) list of celebrities he's allowed to sleep with.
  Monica: Rach, are you really gonna let him do this?
  Rachel: Honey, he's about to go hit on Isabella Rossellini. I'm just sorry we don't got popcorn.

306: TOW the Flashback

• As the flashback begins, we learn that Ugly Naked Guy didn't always match the first part of his moniker:
  Phoebe: Cute Naked Guy is really starting to put on weight.
• Monica seeing Joey naked:
  Monica: Here's your glass of penis!
• Ross and Phoebe suddenly making out on a pool table. Ross bangs his head on a lamp and gets a foot stuck in one of the table's holes while on top of Phoebe. He also complains that the "stupid balls are in the way", prompting another giggle from Pheebs.
  Ross: I can't get it out.
  Phoebe: That's not what a girl wants to hear.

307: TOW the Race Car Bed

• Ross' description of how absolutely impossible it is for him to get Rachel's father to like him.
  Rachel: Look, I realize my father is difficult, but that's why you have got to be the bigger man here.
  Ross: Look, sweetie, I could be the bigger man. I could be the biggest man. I could be a big, huge, giant man and it still wouldn't make a difference, except that I could pick your father up and say, (pretending to speak to something held in his hand) "LIKE ME, LIKE ME, TINY DOCTOR!"
  • Moments later, the two actually start bonding by mocking Rachel for being irresponsible.

308: TOW the Giant Poking Device

• At the end of "TOW the Racecar Bed", Monica and Joey try to return the bed in question to the Mattress King, AKA Janice's soon-to-be ex-husband... only to find him in a torrid embrace with Janice. One subplot of this episode sees them finding a way to break the news to Chandler.
  • After the opening credits, Joey and Monica enter Central Perk to find Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe around the table:
    Joey: Hey, i-is Chandler here?
    Ross: [pats himself down as though looking for Chandler in his pockets] ... no, no he's not!
  • Joey decides not to tell Chandler out of fear at how he will react - until he and Chandler pass a jeweller's and Chandler decides to go in to buy Janice a birthday present. Joey's attempts to talk him out of it don't go well:
    Chandler: [as he and Joey pass the jeweller's window] Hey, hold on a sec, hold on a sec. [points at a necklace] Do you think these pearls are nice?
    Joey: I'd really prefer a mountain bike.
    Chandler: [smiles thinly] Janice's birthday is coming up, I wanna get her something special. [Joey visibly wrestles with whether to tell Chandler the truth] Come in here with me.
    Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. You, uh... you wanna get her something special. Get her flowers, get her candy - get her gum. Girls love gum!
    Chandler: That's a good idea. "Dear Janice: Have a Hubba Bubba birthday!" [Joey gestures in agreement] I would like to get her something serious.
    Joey: Ohhh, you want something serious. You know what you should do? You should get her one of those, um... barium enemas! Those are dead serious!
    Chandler: [absorbs this] All right. Look, I'm gonna go in there, and you don't buy me anything ever!
• In another subplot, Monica and Rachel are left in charge of looking after Ross' son, Ben.
  • The girls try to get Ben to laugh by swinging him up and down, only to bump his head against a beam and cause a bumped bruise to appear:
    Rachel: We're not OK. Oh, god. There's a lump on his head.
    Monica: Well push it in! PUSH IT IN!
    Rachel: I cannot push it in!
  • They decide to cover up his bump with a hat. Rachel says "I'll get Rainy Day Bear," and Monica snarks "Because he'll know what to do?" - Rachel wants the hat on the bear's head. When Monica tries to pull the hat off, she ends up ripping the bear's entire head off. Rachel then wails, "It's like a blood bath in here today!"
  • That episode becomes even funnier in hindsight, since Ben starts saying "Monica Bang," basically getting ready to squeal on Monica. Looking back, it almost sounds like he's saying "Monica Bing."
  • Rachel tries to defuse the situation by hitting her head against the beam repeatedly while saying "Rachel Bang", but gives up after the pain gets to be too much.
    Rachel: Y'know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it.
  • A scene later on has Ross discover through Rachel about his son's injury and decides to mess with Monica by telling her that Ben is suddenly no good at the alphabet anymore and he is also walking funny. This causes Monica to break down and shout "OH GOD I WRECKED YOUR BABY!" as she runs in the bedroom to check on Ben. Rachel's snarky, "I hope it's still funny when you're in hell" is funny enough, but then Monica comes back a moment later and chases Ross around for being such a jerk. Cue Laser-Guided Karma on Ross when he smacks his head into another beam.
    Rachel: (heading back into her room) I'll get the hat.
  • That beam is eventually gone in later episodes. Maybe they had it removed because it was such a hazard?
  • Watch Rachel as Ross plays his little trick. She can't keep a straight face and turns away so Monica can't see.
• And in the subplot which gives the episode its name, Phoebe is resisting going to the dentist with a toothache because the last few times she went to the dentist, someone she knew died while she was in the chair. She finally caves and, after returning from the dentist, calls everyone she knows (Chandler doesn't pick up at first as he is confronting Janice over two-timing him, causing a panicked Phoebe to charge across from Monica and Rachel's apartment) and confirms they're all still alive... until Joey notices Ugly Naked Guy hasn't moved since that morning. Since he and Chandler have pairs of chopsticks from the many times they've ordered Chinese food, Joey leads the others in fashioning a giant poking device, which they stick through Monica and Rachel's window like thread through a needle and then through Ugly Naked Guy's window. Fortunately for Phoebe's future dental health, he's very much alive - and not happy about having his nap interrupted:
  Rachel: Hey-hey, now he's showing us his poking device.
  Joey: Hey, that's never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!

309: TOW the Football

• The story of the Geller Cup.
  Ross: So Mom forbade us to play and Dad threw the Geller Cup into the lake.
  Chandler: And the curse was lifted?
• When Monica reveals she fetched the cup from the lake:
  Chandler: Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four?
  Everyone Else: Yeah.
  Chandler: Okay, good.
• And also:
  Ross: [to Monica] Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater!
  [Everyone gasps. Ross crossed a line]
  Phoebe: Oh, my GOD!
• Phoebe's method of distracting Chandler: Lifting up her shirt so he'd stop to look at her boobs. It works.
  • Chandler accidentally walked in on Rachel before, and got together with Monica later, which means he got to see the breasts of all three of the girls over time! Lucky ol' Chandy.

310: TOW Rachel Quits

• In a bit of Comedic Sociopathy, Ross demonstrating a backflip... right into a girl scout, who shrieks.
  Monica: You broke a little girl's leg?!!
  Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay.
  Chandler: [reading the paper] Says here that a muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night. Where exactly were you around ten-ish?
• Ross finds out a great pusher for cookie sales: the munchies!

311: TOW Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister

• Chandler's a kisser when he's drunk.
  Chandler: Look, when I’ve been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and I’m sorry.
  Monica: That's okay.
  Rachel: That's all right.
  Ross: That's okay.

312: TOW All the Jealousy

• Chandler, Joey and Ross talking about Rachel and Mark.
  Chandler: Then she'll be like "I should be with him 'cause he understands me".
  Joey: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, "Oh, man!" And he'll be all, "Yes!" And us, we'll be like "Oh, dude!" And pretty soon you'll be like, "Hi," and, "Well, I can't go. Rachel and Mark might be there." And we'll be like, "Man, get over it, it's been four years!"
  Chandler: He paints quite a picture, doesn't he?
• Joey's ridiculous dancing, which he teaches to an entire troupe at an audition. He lied about his dancing experience, so when it comes time for him alone to do a complex routine in front of everyone, he does the only thing possible as the music starts: run for the exit.
• Monica gets revenge on Julio for his sexist comments about American women by hiring the barbershop quartet Ross sent to Rachel's workplace and having them sing to Julio in the middle of the diner. The result is glorious.
  Quartet: You're no God's-gift-to-women,
  that's all in your head!
  You are just a butt-munch!
  (No-one likes a butt-much!)
  And you're also bad in beeeeee-eeeeeeee-eeeeeed!

313: TOW Monica and Richard are Just Friends

• The entire subplot about Phoebe's new boyfriend Robert, who wears short shorts in the middle of winter... with nothing underneath.
  • Chandler is the first to get an unwilling and unwitting glimpse of "little Robert":
    [Ross and Chandler are on the sofa at Central Perk as Phoebe enters with Robert, both of them carrying rollerblades]
    Phoebe: Um - Chandler, Ross, this is Robert.
    Chandler: [standing and shaking Robert's hand] Hey.
    Ross: [doing likewise] Oh, hey.
    Phoebe: You have lipstick right here. [indicates her cheek]
    Robert: Oh! [wipes off his (other) cheek]
    Phoebe: [off Chandler and Ross' concerned looks] That's okay, it's mine, we just kissed. [Chandler and Ross nod; Ross sits down again]
    Chandler: So isn't it a bit cold out for shorts? [sits down again]
    Robert: Well... [sits on the arm of Phoebe's chair] I'm from California.
    Chandler: ... right, right, sometimes you guys just burst into flame.
    [Robert looks perplexed by Chandler's quip, but shrugs it off and puts one foot up on the table as he begins talking to Phoebe, affording Chandler an unwanted glimpse up his shorts. Chandler gets a horrified look on his face; eventually, he thinks through enough of the shock to stand up]
    Chandler: I'm up!... [clears throat] I'm up! I've... gotten up... now! Anybody, uh, want anything?
    Phoebe: I'll have coffee!
    Robert: Yeah, me too!
    Ross: Yeah, make that three.
    Chandler: Okay! Ross, why don't you come with me?
    Ross: [confused] Okay... [joins Chandler at the counter] Wha... [laughs] What is the matter with you? What's going on?
    Chandler: Robert's coming out.
    Ross: What- what do you mean, he- what, is he gay?
    Chandler: No, he- [sighs, spends a few moments searching for the right words] He's coming out of his shorts.
    Ross: ... what!?
    Chandler: The man is showing brain.
    Ross: Are you sure? [Chandler grimaces and nods] Hold on... [walks back to Phoebe and Robert, clears his throat] I'm sorry, you guys, that was a coffee and a...
    Robert: Coffee.
    Ross: Okay.
    Robert: We could write it down for you!
    Ross: [leaning over the back of the sofa] No! No, that won't be, uh... won't be necessa... [sees what Chandler saw and dissolves into nervous laughter, then rejoins Chandler at the counter]
    Chandler: Well?
    Ross: [still in shock] Yeah! Yeah. Yeah.
    Chandler: What do we do? What do we do?
    Ross: I suppose we just... try to... not look directly at it.
    Chandler: ... like an eclipse.
  • Later, it's Joey's turn to be unknowingly flashed by Robert...
    [Joey and Chandler are on the sofa at Central Perk while Ross is at a nearby table; Phoebe and Robert enter with basketball gear]
    Phoebe, Robert: Hey.
    Ross: Hey, how'd the, uh, basketball go?
    Phoebe: Oh! Okay, I learned how to shoot a layup, a foul shot, and a 23-pointer. [tosses the basketball to Chandler]
    Chandler: You mean a three-pointer?
    Phoebe: Oh. I get more because I'm dainty! [Robert smiles and shrugs]
    Robert: So, um, is there a phone here, I can check my messages?
    Phoebe: Yeah, in the back. Do you want a quarter? [begins digging in her pockets]
    Robert: Oh, no, thanks, I always carry one in my sock. [puts his foot up on the arm of the sofa, right in Chandler's line of sight; Chandler tries to look away while Ross studies his book very closely, and eventually Chandler starts leaning against Joey, who has just re-started his attempt at reading Little Women]
    Joey: What are you doing!? [shoves Chandler to the other end of the sofa] Get back over on your side of the- [sees what Chandler was trying to avoid looking at] HELLOOO! [exchanges a shocked look with Ross, then tries to cover his outburst by extending his hand] Hi. I'm Joey. We haven't met.
    Robert: [shakes Joey's hand] Hi, good to meet you. Robert. [goes back to the payphone as Joey, Chandler, and Ross start laughing]
    Phoebe: [returning with a cup of coffee] What? What? You guys, what is going on? [sits on the sofa between Joey and Chandler] Do you not like Robert? [Joey, Chandler, and Ross just laugh harder] Why are you laughing!?
    Ross: Calm down, there's no reason to get testy. [Joey and Chandler roar with laughter]
    Phoebe: You guys, come on!
    Chandler: We're sorry. We're sorry. It just seems that Robert isn't as concealed... in the shorts area... as, uh, one may have hoped.
    Phoebe: What do you mean?
    Robert: [returns from the payphone and sits in the armchair] Hey.
    Phoebe: Hey.
    Joey: Uh, Robert! Could you, uh... [stifles a laugh] uh, pass me those cookies?
    Robert: Sure! [puts one foot up on the table; now it's Phoebe's turn to see up his shorts. She gasps in horror]
  • Phoebe attempts to persuade Robert to wear stretch pants instead of shorts. Chandler enthusiastically adds his voice to Phoebe's:
    Chandler: Stretchy pants?! Why, those are the greatest things in the world! If I were you I would wear them every day, every day!
  • But Robert claims stretch pants make him feel too exposed, and he ends up inadvertently flashing Rachel as well after bending down to pick up his keys, so Phoebe decides she has to tell him about his accidental exposures. However, she can't find a tactful way to tell him why he is starting to make her uncomfortable - fortunately, Gunther isn't as concerned about tact:
    [Phoebe joins Chandler on the sofa at Central Perk; Ross is in the armchair]
    Phoebe: Robert will be here any second, so... could one of you just tell him? [Ross groans in disgust] Please! Right now, every time I see him, it's like, "Is it on the loose? Is it watching me?" [Ross and Chandler make "Absolutely not" gestures]
    Chandler: We can't tell him! You can't go up to a guy you barely know and talk about his... stuff.
    Ross: He's right, even if it's to say something complimentary. [slowly gets a "What did I just say!?" look on his face]
    Robert: [entering with a gym bag; sits on the opposite armchair to Ross] Hey!
    Phoebe: Hey.
    Robert: So, you ready for the gym? They've got this new rock climbing wall - we can spot each other!
    Phoebe: ... yeah, I can spot you from here.
    Robert: ... what?
    Phoebe: [hesitantly] Okay, listen, Robert...
    Ross: [to Chandler] Hey, don't we have to...? [gets up from his chair]
    Chandler: Yeah, we got- yeah. Mm-mm. [he and Ross leave together]
    Phoebe: Um... [scoots along the sofa, and sighs] I think you're really, really great-
    Robert: [thinking he knows where this is going] Ohh, God! Here we go again... why does this keep happening to me? [puts one of his feet on the table] Is it something I'm putting out there? [Phoebe rolls her eyes and tries to avoid eye contact with Robert for fear of seeing "little Robert"] Is this my fault? Or am I just nuts?
    Phoebe: I - I - I - I - I don't know - I don't know what to say...
    Gunther: [bends over to clear the table and sees up Robert's shorts] Hey buddy? This is a family place. Put the mouse back in the house.
    [Robert looks down and finally gets it; he puts his foot back on the floor and looks thoroughly embarrassed]
• Rachel and Joey's subplot sees them swapping their copies of Little Women and The Shining (they've read their own books dozens of times but have never read each other's). When they check in to see how the other is doing, Joey accidentally spoils the ending of The Shining for her. After some duelling spoilers Rachel decides to bring out the big gun.
  Rachel: Beth dies.
  Joey: [gasps and jumps off the couch in horror] Beth, Beth dies?
  Rachel: Mmm-hmm.
  Joey: [to the other guys] Is that true? If I keep reading is Beth going to die?
  Chandler: No, Beth doesn't die, she doesn't die. Does she Rachel?
  Rachel: What?
  Ross: Joey's asking if you just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson?
  Rachel: No. She doesn't die.
  Joey: Then why would you say that?!
  Rachel: Because, I wanted to hurt you.
• In The Tag, Joey enters Monica and Rachel's apartment in tears; he has read most of the way to the end of Little Women and has discovered that, yes, Beth March does die. So Rachel offers to do with the book what Joey does with his copy of The Shining when it gets too scary for him: put it in the freezer.

316: TO the Morning After

• When Ross insists on talking about his cheating, this happens, with Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey listening from the bedroom, which they're afraid to leave:
  Rachel: How was she?
  Chandler: Uh-oh.
  Ross: What?
  Rachel: Was she good?
  Joey: Don't answer that.
  Rachel: Come on, Ross. You said you wanted to talk about it. Let's talk about it! How was she?
  Ross: She was...
  Joey: Awful. Horrible.
  Chandler: Not good.
  Joey: Nothing compared to you.
  Ross: She... She was different.
  [Chandler and Joey groan]
• As Rachel is physically assaulting Ross:
  Phoebe: Should we do something?
  Chandler: Yeah. Never cheat on Rachel.
• After a while...
  Chandler: You know what? I think we can go out there. They have more important things to worry about.
  Joey: Yeah, we'll be fine.
  Ross: Look, Rachel, I wanted to tell you. I thought I should, I did, and then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to.
  [Monica and Phoebe give them censuring looks]
  Chandler: [hands Phoebe can of leg wax] Wax the door shut. We're never leaving, ever.
• The four end up eating the wax because they're so hungry. Inevitably, Joey likes it.

318: TOW The Hypnosis Tape

• Gunther tells Chandler that he can't smoke at Central Perk:
  Chandler: Oh come on man! At least let me finish this last one.
  Gunther: Okay, but only if you give me a drag.
  Chandler: Okay. (Chandler hands him the cigarette, and he takes a long drag)
  Gunther: Oh dark mother, once again I suckle at your smokey teat. (hands Chandler back the cigarette)
  Chandler: No, no, why don’t you hold onto that one.
• When Frank leaves to fetch his fiancée, the others voice their concerns about the matter:
  Monica: Pheebs, don't you think he's a little young to get married?
  Phoebe: What? He's eighteen.
  Ross: Exactly. It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
  Joey: Yeah, or-or to get a hooker!
  Chandler: (without looking up from his newspaper) Always illegal, Joe.
  • Later in the episode Phoebe tries to have Joey and Ross convince Frank not to go through with the wedding. Instead the three end up bonding over their desire to have a love like Frank and Alice. It ends with the two championing Frank's engagement.
  Ross: Their love is so pure.
• Rachel gives Chandler a Hypnosis Tape to help him stop smoking. It works on that front, but it has some side effects.
  Tape: You are a strong, independent woman. You don't need to smoke.
  • Later Joey attempts to take advantage of this by hypnotizing Chandler into making him sandwiches every day. The blatant disconnect from the tape finally wakes Chandler.

319: TOW the Tiny T-shirt

• Chandler and Phoebe's conversation about Spider-Man's name. Even funnier when you see Monica laughing to herself at this conversation:
  Phoebe: Hey, why isn't it Spiderman? Y'know, like Goldman, Silverman?
  Chandler: [confused] Because it- it's not his last name.
  Phoebe: It isn't?
  Chandler: No, it's not like... Phil Spiderman! He's a Spider... Man! Y'know, like, uh, like Goldman is a last name, but there's no gold man!
  Phoebe: Oh okay... There should BE a Gold Man!

320: TOW the Dollhouse

• The episode's A-plot is kicked off by Ross delivering the news that his and Monica's aunt passed away. Monica's reaction initially puzzles Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler:
  Ross: [entering Monica and Rachel's apartment] Hey.
  Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, Monica: Hey.
  Ross: Monica, uh... [puts his hands on her shoulders] Dad called this morning. Aunt Sylvia passed away.
  Monica: [Beat] YES! [stands up] YES! Yeah, yeah, yeah! [pumps her fist in celebration]
  Ross: [deadpan] We were all pretty shaken up about it.
  Phoebe: Wait, am I missing something, though? 'Cause I always thought that death was supposed to be sad, in a way.
  Ross: [putting his hand on Monica's shoulder again] Well, Aunt Sylvia was... well, not a nice person.
  Monica: Ugh. She was a cruel, cranky old bitch. [Ross gives her a Disapproving Look] And I'm sorry she died. [a thought occurs] Did Dad say I get the dollhouse?
  Ross: You get the dollhouse.
  Monica: [delighted] I get the dollhouse! [Chandler smiles and nods at her]
  Phoebe: Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was a kid, I had a barrel.
  Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?
  Phoebe: ... no, just a barrel.
  Monica: You know what? You can play with my dollhouse.
  Phoebe: [excited] Really? Really?
  Monica: Any time you want. Y'know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse. But no, it was to be looked at, but never played with!
  Chandler: My grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me. [the other four look at him] More a bathtub type situation.
• One of the subplots sets a multi-episode story arc in motion as Chandler, having taken Rachel to lunch in exchange for a Bloomingdale's summer lingerie catalogue, meets her boss, Joanna:
  Joanna: Rachel, I need the Versace invoice. [seeing Chandler] Hello. You don't work for me.
  Rachel: Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing. [to Chandler] Joanna.
  Joanna: [shaking Chandler's hand] Bing! That's a great name.
  Chandler: Thanks. It's, uh, Gaelic for "Thy turkey's done!"
• Inevitably, Monica has too many rules for what Phoebe can and cannot put in her aunt's dollhouse, so Phoebe makes her own, complete with a room of furniture made from confectionery, strings of Christmas lights, and a bubble machine; Ross and Rachel find it much more interesting than the antique, while Chandler...
  Chandler: [entering just as Phoebe switches on the bubble machine] Hey, my father's house does that!
• Sadly, Phoebe's dollhouse meets a tragic end. Ross enters Monica and Rachel's apartment while Monica is in the shower, and realises he can smell smoke - the dollhouse has caught fire! He tries blowing it out, to no avail, then he tries filling a glass of water from the sink, but the shower is siphoning off the water pressure, causing him to grow impatient and empty the glass when it's only half full, still to no avail. So he picks up the burning dollhouse and moves toward the sink, then changes his mind and kicks in the bathroom door. We hear the sound of the shower curtain being pulled back, followed by Monica screaming. A later exchange implies that Ross chose a very unfortunate moment to pull back the curtain...
  Ross: [surveying the blackened remnants of Phoebe's dollhouse with a bathrobe-clad Monica] Sorry I, I scared you in there.
  Monica: Oh, that's okay. [Beat] By the way, I was just... checking... the shower massager.
  Ross: [Squicked by the memory] Yeah.
• In The Tag, Joey, after experiencing what it is to sleep with someone he's really into only to be blown off afterward, is calling his old hookups to apologize.
  Joey: Hello, Jennifer? Oh, hi, Mrs. Lorio. Is Jennifer there? Ah, she's not home, huh? Well, uh, actually, I kind of need to talk to you, too.

321: TOW a Chick and a Duck

• Ross isn't the only Geller who falls for That Came Out Wrong, as Rachel discovers when Monica reveals that Pete, her software tycoon admirer, has bought a restaurant and wants her to be head chef:
  Monica: Can you believe he just offered me a restaurant?
  Rachel: [sarcastically] What a jerk! You want me to kick his ass?
  Monica: I mean, this has been like my dream since I got my first Easy Bake Oven and opened Easy Monica's Bakery. [Rachel just stares at her waiting to see if she just heard what she said]

322: TOW the Screamer

• Joey appearing in what seemed to be a serious play, until he said "Now, I'm gonna get on this spaceship..." The best part of that was the buildup. Scenes from the play appeared in many episodes throughout the season, and it was made out to be one of those gritty off-off-Broadway productions. Then, after months, the spaceship landed.
• Chandler's line when they find Rachel's boyfriend freaking out at the birds.
  Chandler: Step away from the duck.

323: TOW Ross' Thing

• The A plot involves Ross discovering a strange growth on the small of his back.
  • He tries showing it to Chandler and Joey, which is awkward enough as it is, but then things get even more embarrassing:
    Ross: [entering Chandler and Joey's apartment] Hey.
    Chandler, Joey: Hey.
    Ross: Listen, I, I need a favour, um... I was in the shower, and as I was... cleansing myself, I, uh, I f- I, well, I felt something.
    Chandler: Was it like a sneeze, only better?
    Ross: [glares at Chandler] No! No, I mean, I mean, like, a thing on my body.
    Joey: [grimacing] Well, what was it?
    Ross: Well, I- [sighs] I don't know, it's k- it's kinda in a place that's not... that's not visually accessible to me, and I was hoping that you guys could, could help me out. [starts unfastening his trousers]
    Joey: WHOA!
    Chandler: [simultaneously with Joey] HEY! No!
    Ross: C'mon you guys, it's no big deal! [turns around and pulls his trousers down slightly; Chandler and Joey continue to make disgusted sounds of protest until they actually see the "thing" on Ross' back]
    Chandler: [intrigued] Huh.
    Ross: Well, what is it, is it a mole? [backs toward Joey and Chandler, who jump back from him]
    Joey: No, it's... too wrinkly to be a mole.
    Ross: Well... ew, is it, what, a pimple?
    Chandler: [as he and Joey move to get a better look] No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look, Ross, why don't you just go see a d-
    Rachel: [entering] Hey guys, what's... [trails off as she takes in the sight of Ross with his trousers lowered and Chandler and Joey looking at his backside; the three guys give her "deer in headlights" looks for a few seconds]
    Chandler: [pulling Ross' shirt down past his waist] Okay. Well, it's definite: two more weeks of winter. [claps Ross on the shoulder]
    Ross: Ahhh.
    Joey: [points to Rachel] Yeah - right! [a thoroughly weirded out Rachel leaves, closing the door behind her]
  • So Ross seeks medical advice, but he tells Chandler and Joey that while the doctor said the growth is benign, he couldn't identify it and so was reluctant to remove it (Joey suggesting that they might name the growth after Ross does not improve his mood). So Chandler refers him to Dr. Rhodes, the doctor who removed his third nipple, and Ross tries telling Dr. Rhodes that he has a third nipple, but things quickly go south from there:
    Ross: Yeah, uh, th-that's all it is, a third nipple. Y'know, just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. [forced laugh] You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off!
    Dr. Rhodes: [nods and heads over to the counter in the exam room] Take your shirt off, and let's see what we're dealing with here. [he puts on a rubber glove as Ross starts unfastening and lowering his trousers] What are you doing!?
    Ross: Just showing you my run-of-the-mill, slice-it-right-off third nipple. [shows Dr. Rhodes his growth]
    Dr. Rhodes: Well, that's not a third nipple.
    Ross: No?
    Dr. Rhodes: First of all, it's on your ass.
    Ross: [rolls eyes] Well, then what is it?!
    Dr. Rhodes: Wait a minute, hold it. [crosses to the exam room door and opens it] Johnson! Will you come in here a moment?
    Dr. Johnson: [off-screen] I'm with Hamilton!
    Dr. Rhodes: [while looking at Ross] He's good with weird things, bring him in too.
  • Dr. Rhodes ends up calling in a crowd of at least fifteen fellow doctors to look at Ross' growth:
    Ross: [lying face down on the examining table with a cloth over his backside as the huge crowd of doctors gathers round him] You know, I have dinner plans!
    Dr. Rhodes: Thank you so much for coming on such a short notice. Ladies and gentlemen, I've, I-I've been practising medicine for twenty-three years, and... I'm stumped. [lifts the cloth; the other doctors mutter in awe and bend forward for a closer look, while Ross looks as though he wishes the exam table would open up and swallow him whole]
  • So Phoebe recommends that Ross visit her herbalist, Guru Saj, who diagnoses the growth as a "kundus" and insists that Ross must treat it with love... at least, until he accidentally cuts it off when it snags in his watch strap.
• In one of the B plots, Monica is watering her boyfriend Pete's plants while he is in Atlanta on business (he says they need to talk when she returns; Chandler suggests that if he's breaking up with her, he and Joey can "water" Pete's plants instead) and invites the other five to explore his luxury apartment.
  • Then Pete calls on his video phone, and the others try - and fail - to hide by immediately dropping to the floor (or, in Chandler's case, lying flat on the sofa):
    Pete: Hey Monica, how's it going?
    Monica: [covering, badly] Oh, it's, um, good! It's, um, it's good, just here watering the plants!
    Pete: Well, don't forget that ficus over there by Rachel.
    Rachel: [standing up] Ah... Chandler's on the couch!
    Pete: I see him. You guys are just the worst hiders ever.
  • Joey pokes his nose into Pete's bank book and sees that he's written a $50,000 cheque to a ring design company, leading everyone to conclude that he's going to propose to Monica! An excited Ross exclaims that they need to call their mother, but Pete's video phone interprets the command "Call Mom!" to mean "Call Pete's mom". So she appears on the screen, whereupon all six friends immediately drop to the floor; the confused expression on Mrs. Becker's face is the cherry on the sundae.
• In another B plot, Phoebe is dating two men at once: Vince, a fireman whom she likes for his physique, and Jason, a kindergarten teacher whom she likes for his sensitivity. However, she finds it too difficult to keep them from finding out about each other, so she decides she has to break up with one of them.
  • Her first instinct is to break up with Vince, as she admits to the others that sensitivity is more important than physique. Her delivery of this explanation is not convincing:
    Phoebe: All right, I gotta go. I have break up with Vince.
    Chandler: Oh, so you're going with the teacher, huh?
    Phoebe: Yeah, I like Vince a lot, y'know? But, it's just Jason's so sensitive, y'know? And in the long run, I think, sensitive, it's just better than having just, like, a really, really, really nice... body. [trails off as she starts daydreaming about Vince's body, but finally snaps out of it] Jason! Definitely Jason!
  • But it turns out Vince is just as sensitive as Jason; he gets distraught when Phoebe tells him she thinks they shouldn't see each other and goes off to write in his journal, and Phoebe later tells Monica and Rachel that he has also done charcoal drawings of her (since he has access to a steady supply). So she decides to break up with Jason after all, in the process reinforcing where her true priorities lie:
    Phoebe: Okay, so Jason is sensitive, [holds up a finger on her left hand] but now so's Vince, [holds up a finger on her right hand] plus, Vince has the body, y'know? [adds a second finger on her right hand... and then a third] So, it's really just about the math, y'know?
  • Unfortunately for Phoebe, when she drops by Jason's apartment, he has removed his shirt to do some carpentry, and he turns out to be just as muscular as Vince, so she backs out of breaking up with him as well. Eventually, while she is performing a set at Central Perk for an audience including Vince and Jason walks in, we hear her internal monologue as she panics, but resolves to keep playing as if nothing's wrong... only for the lyrics to immediately devolve into sporadic, mumbled syllables of complete nonsense, forcing her to abandon the song entirely.
  • At first, it seems Phoebe never had anything to worry about, as Vince and Jason both say they're fine with the relationship not being exclusive. That is, until Jason discovers that Phoebe slept with Vince but not him, and Vince... takes exception to Phoebe's disregard for fire safety when she admits to having a candlelit dinner with Jason in Central Park.

324: TOW the Ultimate Fighting Championship

• Robin Williams and Billy Crystal appear in The Teaser. They weren't scripted to appear, but happened to be nearby at the time of filming (just finishing wrapping up production of Fathers' Day (1997)) , so the producers asked them to step in. The result was an ad-libbed performance that was utterly hilarious, with Thomas (Robin) telling Tim (Billy) that he thinks his wife is sleeping with her gynaecologist, as "he's got access", and wondering if maybe his wound (which is still "oozing") is to blame, only for Tim to confess that he's the one sleeping with Thomas' wife ("So you're the gynaecologist?" Joey asks), leading to Thomas storming out, Tim running after him begging forgiveness, and Monica completely forgetting the news she had for the other five.
• One of the episode's subplots sees Chandler's boss, Doug, expressing enthusiasm for Chandler's contributions by smacking him on the backside. The rest of the gang have... various reactions to the news, as well as Chandler's chosen method of delivery:
  Ross: That's right, Ryder. Winona Ryder for six... Thank you. [hangs up and turns to the others] Yeah, we have the reservations.
  Rachel: Yes!
  Chandler: All right buddy, way to go! [smacks Ross on the butt]
  Ross: [disgusted] Dude, what are you doing?
  Chandler: Thank you! Today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no big deal.
  Phoebe: Yeesh, what'd you do about it?
  Chandler: Well, I didn't do anything. I didn't want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.
  Monica: I gotta tell ya, I think it's okay to be that guy.
  Joey: Yeah, maybe it's like, y'know, that jock thing. Y'know how football players pat each other after touchdowns? [pats Ross on the backside; Ross glares at him and throws his arms out in a "What the hell!?" gesture]
  Rachel: Y'know I don't- I don't understand guys, I mean, I-I would never congratulate Monica on a great stew by y'know, grabbin' her boob!
  Chandler: Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just, y'know, stick your head in between 'em.
  Monica: [unamused] Okay, can we please go eat?
  Joey: [as everyone heads for the door] Yeah. What are we getting?
  Monica: [glaring at Chandler] Anything but stew.
  Ross: All right so, Chandler, from now on, don't give your boss a chance to get you. Y'know, just, ah, don't turn your back to him.
  Joey: Yeah, or you could teach him a lesson. Y'know? What you could do is you could rub something that smells really bad on your butt, all right? Then, when he goes to smack you, his hand will smell. [to himself] Now what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad? [looks toward the ceiling in thought]
  Chandler: [looks at Joey in disbelief, then turns to Ross and Monica] What if Joey was president?
• Phoebe and Rachel are the last to leave for dinner as part of "Winona Ryder, party of six" as Phoebe asks Rachel if it would upset her if she were to set Ross up with her friend Bonnie, whom she describes as "average height, average build... bald..." That's more than enough to convince Rachel to agree. Phoebe conveys her gratitude by slapping Rachel on the backside; the look Rachel gives her is priceless.
• To Rachel's horror, when she meets Phoebe at Central Perk before going to the movies, she meets Bonnie (Christine Taylor)... and finds that she is no longer bald.
  Rachel: [as she and Phoebe exit Central Perk] You said she was bald.
  Phoebe: Yeah, she was bald. She's not now.
  Rachel: [looks through the window at Bonnie, then at Phoebe] How could you not tell me she has hair?
  Phoebe: I don't know, I hardly ever say that about people!
• The news Monica had in the opening scene is that her boyfriend, Pete, has decided to become an MMA fighter and enter the Ultimate Fighting Championship, which he claims is banned in 49 states.^note  When this episode aired in 1996, it was actually banned in 36 states (thanks to a campaign started by US Senator John McCain) - and one of them was New York. After his first fight goes badly, his coach thinks having Monica there was a distraction, so they decide to watch his second fight on television. It goes even more badly:
  [Ross, Chandler, and Phoebe are on the balcony of Monica and Rachel's apartment, gathered around a barbeque]
  Joey: [leaning out of the window] Hey, the fight's starting!
  Ross: Okay, we'll be right in. [Joey heads back inside; Ross turns to Chandler] So, ah, did your boss try to slap you again today?
  Chandler: Nine times! Okay, I had to put on lotion! But it's gonna be okay, because as of tomorrow I'm conducting an experiment, and if all goes as planned, my butt will be smack free.
  Joey: [leaning out of the window again] Fight's over! [Ross, Chandler, and Phoebe are stunned]
• As Pete is training, his couch, played by James Hong, takes the opportunity to inquire about his customer support.
  Hoshi: You are iron. You are steel! Let me ask you something, how come when I call your computer support line, I have to wait an hour and a half?
  Pete: I told you, we're adding new operators all the time. Could we concentrate on my training?
  Hoshi: It's just hard when I know I haveu e-mail I can't get! [punches a sandbag in frustration]