Funny / Final Fantasy XIV Gentleman Inspector Hildibrand

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Legacy/A Realm Reborn - Heavensward - Stormblood - Shadowbringers - Endwalker - Gentleman Inspector Hildibrand

The fact that they require a page all to themselves should be more than enough to explain the hijinks that happens here.

Legacy Hildibrand Quests

• The very first meeting with the Gentleman Inspector is accompanied with the sounds of trumpets.
• Convinced that he is the hero who would stop Dalamud from falling, he finds a Garlean gunhalberd and accidentally ignited the ash powder he left earlier launching him into the sky. This becomes a brick joke in 2.0.

Hildibrand Quests

• The Warrior of Light's Heroic Mime tendencies are in full effect at the start of the Hildibrand questline. Upon approaching Nashu for the first time, she instantly assumes that they're there to offer her their services. The Warrior just nods silently in reply, not even slightly put off; they're well aware by now that their heroic destiny is to help every random stranger they meet with whatever bizarre request they have. Nashu isn't even the tenth-strangest thing that they've dealt with by the time the questline becomes available. Little does the Warrior know what awaits them..
• The 'Fallen Corpses Writhe in Style' FATE, especially for those who are new to the game. A group of nonhostile Zombies wandering around near the Almaj'aa camp and just flexing and spouting apparent nonsense like "I feel so cultured! I feel so refined!", "a gentleman is rather than does!", and "you are neither a gentleman nor a zombie!" We're wondering what the hell is going on, but the original players know...
• Hildibrand returns in usual fashion, digging himself out of his own grave, convinced he's a zombie because of his amnesia. His quest chain is silly, nonsensical, and ends in a way that might leave you flabbergasted by how crazy it is. At one point, Hildibrand makes a joyful face that stretches his model so much it's very obviously meant to push the Uncanny Valley. Hildibrand's teeth also sparkles in the light every time he smiles!
  • Do remember that A Realm Reborn canonically takes place five years after 1.0 ended. The Echo makes it unclear just how long ago he dug himself out, but given that the dapper undead "Zombibrand" were teaching only recently began appearing... Just how long was he in that coffin without feeling any ill effects?
• The Arc Villain has a tendency to give Hildibrand and company a Calling Card announcing where next the Thief of Many Faces will strike... usually flung at speed into someone's forehead, with enough strength to embed itself. The WoL not only sees it coming every time, but sidesteps it, eyes tracking the card with an expression of indifferent boredom.
• Hildibrand and company track down Godbert by following a trail of carnage he's left throughout Mor Dhona. This starts with a Coblyn.. followed by a Basilisk.. followed by an Ahriman.. followed by a freakin' CHIMERA. Yes, the same Chimera that takes a party of four to slay in Cutter's Cry. This is followed up by Hildibrand teaching the Warrior the extremely-silly Manderville Family Dance. After the Warrior performs the dance in order to lure Godbert out, he comes flying out of nowhere and executes a Three-Point Landing in his underwear.
• Gilgamesh's exit after his boss battle by attempting to fly away on a rooster leaves the player character so flabbergasted they forget to preform their victory pose with the rest of the party.
  • The fight against Gilgamesh is also beyond silly; as a nod to his character, Gilgamesh will fake defeat halfway through the first round and then says he lied, proceeding to attack one random player as he buffs himself. Gilgamesh then runs away, saying he "remembered he had something to do" while he drops a bomb behind as another ambush attack. Gilgamesh also can cause Minimum, Toad, and Confusion, which makes the fight look even sillier as shrunk down and frog transformed party members are running around trying to avoid being hit while confused party members attack each other.
    • Gets Extra silly if the confused members are casters, (And even more so if they're Arcanists/Summoners/Scholars). Ever see Summoner smack a Black Mage repeatedly in the face with a book while the also confused Black Mage smacks the Summoner with their staff?
    • The developers couldn't resist the comedy factor of someone being smacked with a book, the first two rocket punches will prioritize book-wielders over every other class if they're present.
  • "But where are my manners? I have yet to properly introduce myself. I am Gilgamesh, and that is my companion, Enkidu! ...Well, not really. It has been many moons since last I saw him, so to ease the burden of loneliness, I tamed a rooster and painted it green."
• In 2.2, we are introduced to Briarden who is a straightlaced foil to Hildibrand. Though he may have a stiff upper lip, that doesn't make him immune to the weird shenanigans.
  • In that same episode, they gave us someone even more over the top than Hildibrand: His father, Godbert.
  • But in order to summon him, Hildibrand teaches you the ever-goofy jaunt that is the Manderville Dance. It's an emote at that, so you can do it anytime, anywhere.
  • After successfully calling Godbert, the moment he spots his long-lost son, he proceeds to chase him down at sonic speed and suplexes him. Hildibrand is fast, but Godbert can Flash Step.
• The conclusion to the first Hildibrand case. After the Thief of Many Faces successfully impersonates the client and tricks Briarden into giving them the Treaty Blade, the Card-To-The-Face gag from earlier is repeated, but this time, it's twice as ridiculous. The Thief's calling card first misses the Warrior of Light, who sidesteps it with the same bored expression as before. It misses Godbert, who happened to be doing the Manderville Dance (and continues to do so in the background). It misses Nashu, who dozes off at just the right moment. It misses Hildibrand, who decides to flex for no apparent reason, and finally beans Briarden right in the forehead. He collapses.. and then Hildibrand nonchalantly wrenches it out of his face. Briarden's subsequent attempt at drama is ruined when Hildibrand steps in and steals his thunder, accepting the Thief's challenge for him.. only to slowly turn back and notice his rival's calm attitude finally break in a way that has to be seen to be believed. Briarden subsequently starts chasing Hildibrand around Vesper Bay while everyone else boggles vacantly at these shenanigans.. including the Thief, who is watching from a rooftop.
• Patch 2.3 and Hildibrand again. Nashu brings some more of her explosives along for some reason, and leaves them on a crate of fruit, and starts to (poorly) take notes of what her boss Hildibrand is saying for the record. A series of events causes all of these to fall into place when rival inspector Briardien comes back from questioning a victim of the Phantom Thief, and leads to this.
• Later on in the same branch of the Hildibrand quest, Briardien tasks Hildibrand (condescendingly) with creating a distraction while he attempts to keep the bride hidden. Hildibrand proceeds to wear the bride's wedding gown (provided by the player under the pretense of keeping it safe while the real bride was disguised) and proceed with the ceremony. He promptly accuses the groom of being the phantom thief in disguise since the groom had never seen his bride before, yet was able to tell at a glance that Hildibrand was not the fair maiden he was betrothed to. The kicker? The groom actually WAS the phantom thief in disguise.
• Patch 2.4 introduces more shenanigans from Hildibrand's quest lines with Uncle Ulty joining the fray. Every time Ultros tries to stop the player character and their crew from entering the tournament, it hilariously backfires on him; a crate of explosives meant to blow up Hilidbrand's friends is tossed back to him unwittingly, he falls into one of his own pitfall traps, and gets attacked by Hildibrand's father, a guy who is known to be insanely strong. Butt-Monkey doesn't even begin to describe Ultros.
• 2.5 introduces the finale of the Hidlibrand quest line and it doesn't fail to deliver on the laughs:
  • Briardien makes a callback to the Costa del Sol incident; Hildibrand, Nashu and the Warrior of Light avert their eyes knowing full well what happened that day.
  • Hildibrand's mother. Julyan Manderville shows up after the phantom thief is unmasked. Just when the thief prepares to attack, Hildy's mother knocks the thief out with a frying pan. Shortly after, Gilgamesh appears and prepares to fight the Warrior of Light, only for Hildy's mom to hit Gilgamesh with her frying pan so hard that he flies into a wall. Even Godbert is scared out of his wits of her when she's angry. After witnessing her knocking Godbert stupid and Gilgamesh into the wall even the player character, who at this point has made a career out of slaying gods as far up as Bahamut himself, followers her orders to the letter without any complaint or hesitation.
    • The real kicker is that, when nodding your head as quickly as you can, your neck makes a sound that can only be described as "tennis shoes quickly squeaking on a basket court". Not to mention that certain character models (such as Highlanders) don't nod their heads completely - it looks more like your head is spasming up and down erratically.
    • For a Rewatch Bonus, flash back to the 2.4 scenes where Ultros was trying and failing to woo some women. One of those women was Julyan! Uncle Ulty is lucky she didn't turn him into takoyaki on the spot.
  • When Briardien learns that Hildibrand built up an immunity to being zombified, the inspector gives up trying to find any sort of logic in the whole scenario and decides to just roll with it.
    • if you speak to him right after, he will remark on an invaluable lesson for his career... that people do not necessarily behave logically during investigations.
  • Hildibrand finally recovers the genuine Treaty Blade...only to find himself being rocketed towards the sky, after proving that the Blade did in fact have special powers.
    • This has a degree of Fridge Brilliance that comes up in Shadowbringers as one of the parts of the legend is that the powers manifest while wielded by a Warrior of Light. It reacting to Hildy confirms he is one such champion and is confirmed in The Hero's Gauntlet where he can show up as one of the spirits Elidibus summons.
    • While this is going on, the sister's will plead for someone, anyone, to stop the magic (the same legendary ancestral magic of their lost people that they've been hoping for all their lives to see) from occuring while in the hands of a complete and utter imbecile like Hildibrand. Words fail to convey their expressions later.

Further Hildibrand Adventures

• 3.2 has the return of Hildibrand and his wacky adventures are back in full force. The side quest introduces an inquisitor named Cyr who believes Hildibrand is a heretic and he quickly wonders how he and his companions are associates with a gentlemanly zombie while also wondering if he was transported to a new realm where logic doesn't exist. When the party does find Hildibrand buried head first in the snow, Godbert prepares to wake up his son, causing the Warrior of Light, Nashu, and the zombie to slowly back away as Cyr confusedly looks at them before Godbert's suplex power throws him several yards back. Needless to say, he's basically the stand in for Briardien.
  • It's even funnier when you question what the zombie is doing walking around Coerthas in the first place. Apparently, he was looking for Dusk Vigil (a very serious dungeon unconnected with this questline) because he heard other zombies were there and he wanted to meet them... until it's revealed that the player already went through and killed them all, much to his mild disappointment. He just decides to go along with you to find Hildibrand after.
  • While the above is happening, Cyr is desperately trying to pin someone, anyone, as a heretic so as to prevent the inquisition from getting its funding cut. The Warrior of Light boggles vacantly as he attempts to recontextualize a passage on heresy, only to quickly turn away and pretend they weren't staring when he looks up from his book.
  • One of the highlights is unsaid but very obvious. When you encounter Godbert in Ishgard city he's wearing more or less a full set of winter clothes. The farther you go into Coerthas (which is explicitly said it gets colder the farther north you get) he's wearing less and less clothes, by the time you find Hildibrand he's in just an undershirt... and when that gets removed (complete with the sound and effect for changing classes), that's when the people who know what Godbert is capable of start backing up.
  • 3.3 has the Hildibrand gang trying to find a way to make Gigi into a real boy, but every attempt doesn't work. Hildibrand doesn't mind that Gigi remained a mammet and declares that he is his son, which Godbert also celebrates to. Juliyan isn't pleased that both her son and her husband are stupid enough to take a mammet in as a child, not to mention being called "Grandmama" several times in rapid succession, causing her to get so pissed off that her Frying Pan of Doom grows tenfold in size and she gains Glowing Eyes of Doom. Godbert and Hildibrand know far too well that staying would spell doom for them and they quickly hightail it out of the highlands while Juliyan calmly walks after them. Cyr is left shaking in his shoes in absolute terror and states that while he would like to find out whether or not Juliyan had the power of a Dark Knight or worse, he isn't going to risk his life to find out.
    • Godbert's attempts to turn Gigi into a real boy involve modifying his body so that he appeared to be a lalafell (with his head unaltered), then right afterwards, giving him the hulking physique of a roegadyn. After the second modification, Hildibrand and Gigi run to each other in slow-motion as heartwarming music plays. Papa Hildy stretches out his arms, ready to embrace his mammet son...only to have Gigi clothesline him straight into the snow.
• Just in general, the fact Ishgard being exposed to Hildibrand and his assistant from a guard's bewildered reaction to talk about ravenous gazebo's to Cyr's deteriating sanity from prolonged exposure to Hildibrand's "logic" and his vain attempts to fallback on Ishgardian scripture and traditional dogma for guidance, to no avail. When he tries to criticize their first idea to help Gigi, they take it as a suggestion to try a different idea and thank him. He begs the Fury for forgiveness upon realizing he has involuntarily become complicit in their foolishness and our character actually steps up to give him an emphatic nod, having long since been pulled into Hildibrand's insanity themselves.
• The added chapter for Further Hildibrand Adventures has Gigi being kidnapped by three very aged adventurers. As the trio make a VERY slow retreat with the captive Gigi, Hildibrand considers pursuit hopeless and vows to rescue the captured Mammet. All of this causes Cyr's face to twitch uncontrollably in response before pointing out that they're escaping at an Adamantoise's pace.
  • When the player must steal the armor from the elderly dragoon. After having him fall asleep and taking the armor, the game is very quick to ask What the Hell, Hero? for leaving an old man asleep in the bitter cold in an area infested with Sun Bears and Morbols. Interacting with the sleeping old man after stealing his armor prompts the text "Good night, sweet prince."
  • The journal entries for the above section only highlight how low the Warrior of Light has fallen.
  Slayer of Gods. Rider of Dragons. Savior of Ishgard. Stealer of Pants. In what may well be the darkest chapter of your life, you carefully remove Orland's sabatons and breeches, leaving the sleeping old man Exposed to the Elements and wholly at the mercy of the nearby ravenous bears with their big, nasty teeth and the repugnant morbols with their slimy, undulating tentacles. May he rest in peace.
  • The reason why you must steal his armor? Hildibrand believes the best way to deceive them, is for him to wear it and pretend to be him. He proceeds to do so...whilst acting exactly as normal, poses and all. Cyr's reaction is priceless.
  Cyr: Oh, bollocks...
  Then it works.
  Cyr: Okay, no - that's bollocks.
• In the finale of the Further Hildibrand Adventures Questline, the Grand Sers reenacting the Knights of the Round summon animation from Final Fantasy VII.
  • It turns out that Gigi's real ability is to alter reality to what he thinks is the right state for things to be in. So a vase becomes unbroken, the Grand Sers (who have been filling his head with stories of their heroic legacy) become incredibly strong... and when subjected to it, Godbert becomes almost nude, Hildibrand's clothing becomes trashed again, and Julyan winds up with her excessively large Frying Pan of Doom and glowing, demonic red eyes.

Even Further Hildibrand Adventures

• The new Hildibrand questline doesn't lack for these moments. Among them are the Warrior of Light chasing off the namazu who tried to sell you to the Garleans in the main storyline with a pointed glare, Nashu being, well, Nashu, and the option to tell her she's being tailed by an obsessive Lalafell.
  Warrior of Light: A creepy little bastard who followed you to Kugane says he's been stalking you for five years.
  • What makes this Lalafell even more hilarious is that he really has been stalking her, since 2.4.
  • If you try to tell her she just laughs it off insisting that even she would notice something like that. Checking your journal afterwards states you've seen the futility trying to warn her, even if you didn't try.
• Hildibrand's return in Stormblood does not hold back on the laughs. How does he come back? By being sold off as a statue in Kugane and is then stolen/kidnapped by the wolf burglar who also thinks the man is a highly valued statue. Later on, you meet one of Hildibrand's undead gentleman in a wolf suit, who says a merchant gave it to him to make him look less scary. The zombie also mentions that he heard some of his brethren were in the Sirensong Sea, only to find out that the Warrior of Light slayed them all like they did with the undead in Dusk Vigil. The zombie then tells the Warrior of light to stop killing the undead everywhere they go.
  • So, how did Hildibrand get into the auction as a statue? Somehow, after landing from being launched into the stratosphere (again) at the end of the previous adventure, his body froze into a pose and was as rigid as a statue and unresponsive, with a serene look to his face. The auction house in Kugane found him and presumed he was simply an incredibly lifelike statue, and dubbed him "The Eoruzean(sic) Gentleman". However, the second Nashu merely gets ready to throw one of her "delights" again at him much like back in A Realm Reborn in an attempt to wake him up at the auction house, his unconscious face twists into a look of abject terror.
  • When Hildibrand finally comes to the inspector and the Wolf Burglar find themselves dangling off of opposite cliffs. If the Warrior of Light chooses to (begrudgingly) save Hildibrand he breaks out in a overjoyed smile, only for it to twist into a contorted frown of dismay when Nashu says catching the Wolf Burglar is more important. The kicker? Hildy just lets go of the cliff, assumes a position like an Olympic diver, spins rapidly, and drills into the ground below head first before his legs slowly creak into their familiar "Hildibrand buried in the ground" position.
• Hildibrand's shenanigans in 4.3 does not let up on the laughs or the shenanigans:
  • To get Nashu to sneak into Akebono's place as a geiko, the party needs to acquire the right attire for her. An old woman says she'll part with it for 70,000 gil. You can either respond that you are so loaded that your subligar is worth more than geiko clothing or admit you blew all your money on gambling on a horsebird named Kweh Rhapsody.
  • Trying to come up with another way to get the outfit, Hildibrand suggests following a Hingan custom of humility by having one of them shave their head bald. Nashu offers to perform the cutting by changing into the same attire and equipment of Jandelaine (complete with the theme music!). She looks back and forth between Shigure, the Warrior of Light, and Hildibrand before seeming to choose Hildy as the one to offer penance. With the same leap and flourish of the Aesthetician, she ends up missing her mark and shaving Shigure instead. The Warrior of Light can only react with a massive◊ Jaw Drop while Shigure is left to wallow in self pity over going bald.
  • In order to convince Akebono that he needs more security against the Wolf Burglar, Hilibrand has Nashu go in as a geiko to distract the man. Hildibrand himself later bursts into the room wearing geiko clothing and makeup◊ that would make Kefka scoff. Yojimbo, who was standing guard the whole time, completely believes Hildibrand to be a lady, is taken in by his beauty, and refuses to throw him out when ordered to. His reaction when Hildibrand drops the disguise? "I feel so...so conflicted!" What's even better is after Hildibrand changes back into his normal clothes, he still has the makeup on for the rest of the quest.
  • Like he did with calling Gilgamesh "Greg", Hildibrand resorts to calling Yojimbo as "Jim". Yojimbo barely restrains himself from his expressing his annoyance at newly acquired nickname. Yojimbo is even more annoyed at how Hildibrand can remember his dog's name (Daigoro) and yet not remember his name.
  • After catching up to the Wolf Burglar, Yojimbo sics his dog on the wolf and is immediately distracted when the burglar tosses a single koban coin over the horizon thanks to Daigoro being trained to fetch money for Yojimbo. The Wolf Burgler then summons his falcon to escape, but the bird hesitates when it sees Hildibrand, who is still wearing makeup. Hildibrand blows a Projectile Kiss at the bird, which horrifies the falcon so much its very soul visibly leaves its body and heads off into the heavens, causing the bird to crash head first into the ground with the same honking sound effect that's heard whenever Hidlibrand crashes into the ground.
• The insanity of the Hildibrand quest line still goes further in the 4.4 quests.
  • In an attempt to get the Wolf Burglar out, Nashu - who alongside Hildibrand is suddenly and inexplicably wearing sunglasses - presents a tonic for the bald Shigure to regrow his hair. This may sound rather non-sequitur, but astute players may remember that this hair tonic emitted an intense light when applied, which happened as far back as 2.0. The duo exploit this, using the bright light to snatch the cell key, break the Wolf Burglar out, swap in the werewolf-costumed zombie in place, and make a mad dash out at speeds that would have The Flash nodding in approval. The guard who holds the key and ends up blinded by the light also has a call-back to a certain Ascian as he looks on.
    Guard: The light... it binds them... they are too many!
  • Shigure, being accomplice to a break-out, needs to change out of his Sekiseigumi uniform to divert attention. What does he wear? The Arhat Togi of Striking...and the zori from his Sekiseigumi uniform. Might need to work on coordination there, sir.
  • Daigoro betrays Yojimbo to the player and investigation group twice, thanks to the latter group taking advantage of Daigoro's Pavlovian training to fetch any gold laid out for him to retrieve. First the Wolf Burgler uses the offering of a single koban coin trick again to entice Daigoro over (who charges at full speed to collect it) and then follow Daigoro back to Yojimbo. When they find Yojimbo, Hildibrand again comes up with one of his absurd plans to retrieve the stolen sword from Yojimbo: Give back the sword or else Hildibrand will give Daigoro the most furious of belly rubs to cause Yojimbo loyal companion to turn against him and depriving "Jim" of such joy. This of course works because Daigoro can sense the Manderville-family's wealth about Hildibrand and because life is funny like that, causing the dog to happily flop on his back and happily wag his tail for free belly rubs while not only ignoring Yojimbo's commands to heel, but flat out refusing him.
  • Hildibrand (and Nashu) has been surprisingly competent for 4.45 patch set of quests, giving decent suggestions, being right to follow up on several smaller leads to figure out what Yojimbo's motives and possible destinations are, and several on the fly and completely oddball plans that worked out, all while avoiding all harm. It seems like Hildibrand has finally been on the receiving end of Throw the Dog a Bone. Right until he accidentally steps on a certain dog's tail while trying to catch the stolen sword that Yojimbo throws to the Inspector, Daigoro's in particular. Cue Daigoro chasing after and utterly thrashing Hildibrand, before burying the hapless inspector in his traditional "tattered cloths, legs sticking out of the ground" pose as though Daigoro was hiding a dog bone.
• And of course, the finale of the Hildibrand quests in 4.56 spares no expense in hysterics.
  • So it is time you (and seven others) confront Yojimbo and reclaim the stolen sword from him at Kugane Ohashi. After taking down his HP a bit, he decides to get much more serious. Wait a second... "It is Gilgameshing time!"? You thought it was Yojimbo, but it was the man, the myth, the legend, Gilgamesh all along! And he's got new tricks up his sleeve! Or rather...he "borrowed" some from a certain kami named Susano. And the power meter used to charge his ultimate? It's called "Divine Epicness".
  • After defeating Greg, er, Gilgamesh, in the battle on Kugane Ohashi (by the way, "ohashi" can translate into "big bridge"), he joins you in freeing Shigure from his execution by seppuku. What ensues is Hildibrand showing up in the Sekiseigumi uniform, making the other Sekiseigumi officers giving chase as Hildibrand runs around the barracks like a maniac. Shigure is understandably dumbfounded at the ridiculousness of the scene.
  • Once it's discovered there's a dewprism (a drug that can mind control the consumer) dealing scandal underneath the sword case, the group pursue Akebono for his arrest. However, Akebono has an ace up his sleeve, which the group has to deal with...a mind-controlled Godbert! And since Godbert is known for being a Memetic Badass, pretty much everyone at the front of the party gets curb-stomped in seconds flat, with the player escaping only because he's closer to the back.
  • Akebono, swept up in the moment, then orders Godbert to "Finish them all! Finish EVERYONE!", and predictably becomes the unstoppable goldsmith's next victim as he proceeds to do exactly that.
  • Then, Hildibrand steps up to the plate to stop his out-of-control father. His course of action to make Godbert come to his senses? Attempt to pile drive him and make him remember his own son. Cue a flashback slideshow of father-son shenanigans...that consist mostly of Godbert suplexing, throwing, and performing OTHER miscellaneous forms of bodily harm on Hildibrand(and one of a younger Godbert and Julyan watching over baby Hildibrand). It works... resulting in Godbert reversing the piledriver, and making Hildibrand take the blow instead. Cue Hildibrand's signature distressed clothes and legs out state.
  • The entire Stormblood season has Hildibrand and Co. dancing to his theme on a stage, known as the Manderville Mambo after every patch questline. The dance itself is pretty silly, incorporating all the Character Tics our favorite inspector is known for. The finale ends with a Dance Party Ending, with the entire cast (yourself included!) dancing away, and you're even rewarded with the Manderville Mambo dance emote, so you can boogie like an inspector anytime and anywhere.

Somehow Further Hildibrand Adventures

• The questline begins in Radz-at-Han, with the player encountering Nashu, having somehow returned from the "Interspectorial Rift". She explains that after everyone was drawn into the rift, Gilgamesh's dose of Dewprism wore off and he warped them all back to Hydaelyn, with Gilgamesh staying behind to settle some scores.
  • The first quest-giver is an 'Exciteable Youth' or rather, as the Warrior of Light can describe, "the creepy little bastard who's been stalking Nashu for 5 years, and who smells of cheese". He, of course, takes offense at the description, but after giving himself a sniff, notes that you have a point about his smell. And yes, he's still stalking Nashu.
  • The other dialogue option is just as funny, with you remarking that you've "taken so many blows to the head, it's a miracle [you] can remember [your] own name."
• When you deduce that Hildibrand's current state is nearly identical to when the Scions were summoned to the First, you end up heading back to the Crystarium in search of the inspector's whereabouts. When asking Giott, she mentions seeing him when Elidibus was summoning warriors from other realms, Hildibrand included. As we later see through an Echo flashback, our good old Hildy did not make a good first impression, and received a dwarven decking for his troubles. This sends him rocketing towards a cliffside wall where he gets half buried inside headfirst. A Sin Eater flies by and perches on Hildibrand's legs like a bird to a branch, only to for it start freaking out and fly away when Hilidbrand breaks free by wiggling his ass. Sin Eaters are mindless entities that exist only for consuming living aether and converting people into more of them... and Hildy managed to terrify one into fleeing.
  • It should be noted that when we find Hildibrand, he's as corporeal as the Scion's were, despite having been summoned as a spectral warrior. And the Echo flashback doesn't make it any clearer on how the hells this happened. Par for the course, really, if you remember that Hildy recovered from being turned into a zombie with just as much of an explanation.
    Theyler: I can't help but feel that this is not what what the Echo was intended for...
  • Giott's recollection, drunken as she is, also happens to include her stating that she stared at the strange, gesticulating, context-less Manderville and promptly shouted, "Piss off, ghost!" This completely leaves out that the "dwarven decking" she gave him was a straight up Limit Break that somehow managed to produce said Megaton Punch, and was the same attack that breaks a Paladin's Passage of Arms in the Heroes' Gauntlet dungeon. And just completely acts like this was nothing but a regular thing she does, given the implication that this happened during that same dungeon, meaning she was drunk and casually Limit Breaking anything that pissed her off.
• After Hildibrand recovers his memories (again), you bring him to Beq Lugg in order to transfer his soul into a spirit vessel. Aside from Hildibrand's comment on the Nu Mou being a puppy, Beq Lugg is incredulous that you'd attempt such a thing again. Though, as the Warrior of Light/Darkness can point out, Hildy has survived so much punishment that dying from a failed soul transfer would be anticlimactic in comparison. Beq Lugg's response is that they "get the distinct impression that the gods themselves could not kill him if they tried. And they have."
• Let's not forget how the Warrior of Light/Darkness finds Hildibrand, and all the events that follow. After locating the place he would most likely be, you have a choice of doing the Manderville, or doing the Manderville Mambo. After a long while, it works in baiting him to you... And he's dressed in all white, done in ridiculous makeup and believes himself to be a Sin Eater (with the game even adding Boss Subtitles of "Lightwarden: The Forgiven Gentleman" for him and the Shadowbringers dungeon boss theme starting up!). As for how he recovers his memory... You throw him one of Nashu's bombs, which ends up with a volleyball match between him and you, and the bomb exploding as Hildibrand gets spiked in the face with it, leading to his usual upside-down position.
  • As an aside, the Warrior of Light/Darkness seems to have accustomed to the insanity that Hildibrand brings, as they do all this, including the "Spike a bomb like it was a volleyball" part, with a normal face.
  • It should be noted that this entire time the Warrior of Light/Darkness is accompanied by two young adventurers who you met earlier during Shadowbringer who themselves are new Warriors of Lights. The two are absolutely estatic to work with them only to be left gaping at the sheer ridiculousness of it all. After the bomb volleyball game (where they participated by passing the ball to be spiked), one of them screams in horror that they killed him only for the Warrior to calm them down and Hildy to get up and pose at them.
• By the time you get back to Radz-at-Han, Hildibrand's body gets stolen off screen. At the beach, you find Jubraca (the alchemist who caused the mess in the last episode) in possession of Hildbrand's body and plans to sell him to Lugae of all people and he's still in his robot form. What follows is a comedy of events:
  • As Lugae flees from the Warrior of Light with Hildibrand in tow, Nashu throws Hildbrand's soul vessel to wake him up. Hildbrand, upon waking up, breaks free of Lugae's grip and repeatedly dodges Lugae's attempt to catch him again.
  • Hildibrand does a flip and lands on Lugae's back while accidentally pressing a button that launches Lugae's missile with Hildbrand on it. The inspector goes flying into space and then the rocket putters out, making him plummet back to the earth.
  • Hildibrand bashes a bunch of buttons to stop the rocket from accelerating towards the ground and it goes horizontal at the last minute... right into Lugae's face, complete with a sudden anime sparkle filter and a kissing sound when the missile touches Lugae's metal lips... followed with a massive explosion upon impact. Hildibrand is no worse for wear as he's half buried in the ground again while Lugae is reduced to just his head as he carried off by Jubrca.
  • Hildibrand is then suddenly abducted by an alien spaceship and is taken to the moon. Alongside several dodos, Nashu's stalker, and a pot that just happened to be there to foil Hildibrand's attempt to escape the spaceship.
  • While you and Nashu are searching for clues on the 'evaporating inspector', Nashu ends up asking a suspiciously dressed man about the incident. Said man quickly reveals himself to be a conspiracy theorist, claiming Hildy got abducted by aliens. Floppy-eared aliens in cahoots with Sharlayan. The Warrior of Light can only halfheartedly shrug, and they can claim that the man's "a few materia short of a full meld". Nashu, of course, is initially fooled. And then Hildy DOES get abducted by aliens!
  • It should be noted that the reason Lugae wants Hildibrand in the first place is because Jubraca told him that Hildibrand just refuses to die no matter what you throw at him. The fact that this largely ineffectual and goofy wannabe detective is a better test subject to figure out his survivability than the actual Warrior of Light is hilarious. (And admittedly fair, given that Hildibrand is too dense and kind to be threatening, whereas Lugae knows firsthand that the Warrior of Light is a god-slaying murder-hurricane.)
• And just where does the UFO take the inspector? Up to Mare Lamentorum, where he is then unceremouniously spat out as the pilot of the ship descends down, triumphent music playing as Hildibrand looks on in stunned awe... only for it to be none other than PuPu. Who waddles up to the man they just abducted as Hildi has an expression that can only be described as utter elation.
• As if to top off the nonsense witnessed in these new escapades, we're treated to what can only be described as an Anime Ending. Complete with Hildibrand, Nashu, and Jubraca (holding Lugae's head) running across the beach.
• The Patch 6.25 quest has Hildibrand get multiple clones made of him by Pupu. Rather than express any sort of animosity, all of the Hildibrands instantly start getting along, including doing the Manderville Mambo in sync. Even the alien conspiracy theorist Delion is dumbfounded by it.
  • Hildibrand asks PuPu to get rid of the clones, on the thought that the world isn't ready for that many Manderville men. PuPu obliges... by dropping a meteor-sized Nashu's Delight from its ship. All of the Hildiclones briefly run before giving a smile as they Face Death with Dignity, including one that re-enacts Louisoux's final smile before being consumed by Megaflare from the End of an Era cinematic. This "solution" also horrifies Hildibrand to the point of dropping his speech mannerisms.
• When searching for the UFO, you have to do a look around section, during which you see that Nashu has discovered and is fawning over Argos with the narration describing how she's almost certainly immediately forgotten what you were searching for and the alien craft comes into view with Nashu's stalker held in its tractor beam. If you examine him instead of the ship, the Warrior of Light decides to pretend they didn't see him there like that.
• One clone escapes being deconstructed by Pupu, who goes into a funk because he ran when his comrades were in trouble, most unbecoming like a gentleman. Godbert appears (ostensibly looking for ore for the Manderville weapons), and attempts his usual Crash-Into Hello on the clone of Hildy, but misses, causing an Impact Silhouette. This instantly clues in Godbert that something's up.
• Godbert throws both Hildibrand and the Hildiclone into the sky, who bounce off the asteroid belt like pinballs, who then bounce off of PuPu's UFO, before finally getting flung into the nose of a giant face. The entrance to Smileton, in other words. This causes Loporrits to emerge from the statue's mouth and do a jaunty dance before vanishing right back down. The laconic Loporrit can only say that they meant to do that to introduce people to the moon, yet it still comes off as a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment.
• Due to the sudden impact, the UFO ends up spitting up a bunch of debris, from fishing nets, to barrels, a coblyn, and a green chicken. We found Enkidu, but no Gilgamesh. Not yet, anyway.
• Though Godbert has noble reasons for recreating the Manderville weapons, it has a hilariously outlandish step that goes into making them. Making it out of an extremely rare ore is one thing, but making the Exalamanderville is a whole 'nother story. Gerolt manages to extract it, but the weak, suspiciously yellow fluid is incomplete without the literal sweat of a Manderville man. Gerolt is introduced to Godbert's Battle Strip, and the latter does his usual power squats to work up a sweat to complete the Exalamanderville. Needless to say, the blacksmith's suspension of disbelief is immediately out the window.
• Following that, while Godbert deciphers the weapon designs further, he summons one of his manservants to assist in making more weapons when needed. He's just as butt naked as Godbert.
• After splitting up to pursue some runaway culprits (later revealed to be the Mandragoras from 2.3), everyone gathers up to confront them...with the Warrior of Light taking a free ride with PuPu via its tractor beam. Just because they're (usually) the Only Sane Man, that doesn't make them immune to goofy situations.
• PuPu's cloning system malfunctions and spits out one last Hildiclone before breaking down for good... but the clone comes out very blocky, identifies himself as "Brandihild", and very meek but Good with Numbers completely unlike the real Hildibrand. PuPu moves to euthanize it, but Hildibrand lets it pass because no one could possibly mistake him for... this.
• When Nashu is kidnapped by Dr. Lugae, Hildibrand and Godbert step in to save her and you get to play as Godbert, which doesn't disappoint in the sheer crazy awesome and laughs:
  • Just like how he is in the cutscenes, Godbert in an actual fight is just as overpowered as the game makes him out to be; his basic 1-2-3 combo (dubbed Rage of the Gentleman Combo) has him smacking enemies around with his goldsmith hammer, his Manderville Dropkick skill has him do a flying kick at all enemies in a straight line, the Manderdouble Lariat skill makes him do a huge spin attack with his hammer, and his Manderville Sprint has him running at hyper speed with a cooldown time matching the buff’s duration, so he never has to stop sprinting. Fittingly, all the skill icons are stylized off of Godbert's likeness.
  • If you don't start the battle right away, the hired goons demand that you "make your move, grandpa!" and other similar insults.
  • Poor Hildibrand spends the entire fight being targeted by every enemy that appears and at one point, he gets chased by missiles and is freaking out. When not under pressure, he does his signature flex.
  • When Lugae gets desperate and fires several large missiles all in a line, resembling a typical 8-man tower mechanic when you only have two party members. Godbert sidesteps rapidly so that he can absorb all the towers at once. Lugae is left completely gobsmacked.
    Suprae-Lugae: You stopped them all? By sidestepping!?
  • At the end of the battle, Lugae decides to use his ultimate attack and as he charges up, he fails to notice Hildibrand and Godbert are preparing their ultimate blow against him. Hildibrand tries to uplift the several ton robot to no avail while Godbert gives a hand by easily tossing Lugae high into the air with Hildibrand still clutching on with his signature Oh, Crap! face. As the two start to fall head first, Godbert leaps up and lands on Hildibrand's feet to complete the attack, which the game cheerfully dubs the "Manderville Generational Bonding Overdrive!" Both Lugae and Hidlibrand crash head first into the ground with their legs poking out.
  • When the Warrior of Light arrives on the scene, Lugae appears as just a head again after surviving Godbert's attack and he fires a laser in the hopes of killing the Warrior. Brandihild uses his calculation powers to deduce how to stop the attack and then uses it to find something in the rubble to act as a shield. One of the things he picks up is a Cobyln which he quickly tosses away in disgust before finding an actual shield to use.
  • Brandihild using a rubble shield to deflect the laser is shot to look similar to Haurchefant's death, which adds an extra layer of absurdity to the moment.
  • After Brandihild reflects Lugae's laser back at him, the stunned doctor-head bounces off of Hildibrand, towards Godbert who tosses Lugae into the air like a volleyball, followed by the Warrior of Light leaping into the air and performing an aerial flaming kick (similar to Final Fantasy X's Jecht shot) to send the doctor flying into parts unknown.
  • After everything is all said and done, the Warrior of Light can either appear glad that Godbert managed to stop Lugae without needing help or appear disappointed that the old man didn't leave them anything to fight. The dialogue choice for each is identical, changed only by the punctuation at the end.
• The second step of the Manderville relic weapons require the smiths to understand "battle enlightenment". Since Gerolt isn't a fighter, Godbert instead sets him up to duel a mammet configured to its maximum battle parameters. Round one, Gerolt proceeds to flail around as the mammet easily dodges his punches, then proceeds to flex as Gerolt falls to the ground winded. To help Gerolt, Godbert drenches him with "Salamanderville" oil. Gerolt is ready for round two, when the oil causes him to slip and he falls on the mammet, burying it up to its neck. Godbert deems this a victory as Gerolt celebrates, and when the smith runs off to continue working on the weapons, Godbert admits to the Warrior of Light that the mammet was actually set to its minimum difficulty. It would seem that even a work-hardened blacksmith can't measure up to an actual trained fighter, let alone a super-freak like Godbert.
• Upon seeing that PuPu had caught a cold, the group venture out to find the Dampshroom so they can make a medicine to cure the alien (to which Hildibrand calls it a "Dankshroom"). A merchant is willing to sell his Dampshroom for one million gil. Since Hildibrand doesn't have any money on him, he side eyes the Warrior of Light as if to ask them if they could pay. The replies you can give range from the Warrior of Light sighing in annoyance as if they are preparing to pay, say they have no money left because they have an orchestrion collection addiction and just spent the last few gil on Return to Oblivion (which is a Call-Back to a similar scene where they could say they spent their savings on chocobo racing), and pretending to fall asleep.
• Doctor Lugae encounters the heroes and attempts to kill them yet again, causing the following series of hilarious events:
  • Brandihild uses a crystal to reflect the laser back at Lugae, only for him to anticipate the same trick and uses a reflector shield to redirect the laser back at him, knocking him out.
  • Hildibrand attempts to come up with a plan to save the day and even uses the same Thinking Tic his counterpart uses (sitting in a chair while complex math formulas whirl by in the background), except the lines are all warped and there's childish drawings of random things. Instead of having a "Eureka!" Moment, he gets a confused moment before grabbing a Coblyn and quickly tossing it away. Hildibrand uses himself to block the laser before he too gets knocked out.
  • Nashu decides to help by taking the Coblyn, which curls up into a ball, and proceeds to dribble it like a basketball. She concentrates as she focuses on the practice she had playing Bomb Toss at the Gold Saucer, though each shot she made back then ended in missed tosses. She tosses the poor creature right at Lugae and naturally misses her shot, but the Warrior of Light follows up with a recovery by dunking the Coblyn into Lugae's mouth. This causes Lugae to explode as he flies off into the sky yet again. The Coblyn lands on the ground looking no worse for the wear.
• When Delion claims that the Sharlayans were the ones to steal away Pu-Pu's friend and their spacecraft, the Warrior of Light looks at them completely dumbfounded, seeing as they know how they're like. You can either tell them that they couldn't be bothered to ally with foreign nations, much less aliens (Loporrits nonewithstand) or that they'd rather flee the star than subjugate it.
• When the group deliberates on how to get to Sharlayan without taking several days to get there, the Warrior of Light suggests using the same experimental aetheryte teleportation that they used to reach Thavnair. Everyone reaches the other side just fine, but poor Delion is sitting in a corner looking like he's about to vomit up his dinner. Nashu's stalker is also nearby in an even worse state, vomiting aether every few seconds.
• When Godbert manages to allow the Warrior of Light's party access to Labyrinthos, Nashu's stalker tries to catch up with them, only for him to be blocked by a member of Sharylan's staff, much to his disappointment.
• Brandihild, who is made up of low polygons, is completely fascinated by the grapes. Yes, the very same grapes that became a meme for their low poly count.
• Upon learning that the Manderville bloodline originates from the Mandervillian alien race and how Godbrand wants his family line to continue to help people, Hildibrand and Godbert cry so much that they flood the room with their tears, and it magically vanishes in the next scene (with a comedic draining sound)! Making it doubly funny is how Delion, an alien conspiracy theorist, calmly goes "Well, that explains it" and carries on like nothing happened.
• Upon starting the quest for enhancing your relic weapon further (ilvl 645), Godbert can sense that Gerolt doesn't like him. He offers to treat him to some booze and to see why the man dislikes him so much. After many drinks are had, the Warrior of Light is at complete shock seeing a ton of empty cups on the table. As time goes on, not only there are more emptied cups, there's a whole barrel of booze right next to the Warrior of Light. Gerolt gets so drunk that he mistakes the Warrior of Light for Rowena and you have the option playing along by either praising or dismissing Gerolt's work. Though when Gerolt stumbles out of earshot, Godbert admits some of the drinks were switched out with just normal drinks like carrot juice, not wanting to destroy the guy's liver.
• When Godbert introduces his assistant that helps the player rearrange their relic's stat allocations, Gerolt expects the guy to be yet another man in their underwear. To his surprise, the assistant is actually wearing clothes, despite the odd combo of a tank top and shorts wrapped in a sash.
  Gerolt: Huh. Bloody odd taste in clothes, but at least he's wearing some...
• After finding a lead on the culprit illicitly transmuting gold, you run into Lugae one final time, except rebuilt into his original form from his boss encounter, and with two more of himself for good measure. His advantage, however, doesn't amount to much when you factor in Julyan making her appearance, gigantic frying pan and all. After dispatching two of them with well-placed pan smacks, she passes her pan to you so you can finish off the remaining Lugae with what essentially amounts to baseball. You even get your own special move cutscene, dubbed the "Unlimited Heavy Hitter Special", to knock Lugae out of the park.
• Before the battle with Asura, Vanhudi offers the Warrior of Light a proposal to join with them and make a clone army that would be able to conquer the world. Accepting his offer leads to nervous chuckling from Hildibrand who assumes that it is most certainly a jest. The entire group, sans Warrior of Light, then turn to look directly at the player and repeat that it must certainly be a joke and not a sign of repressed megalomania before getting back into character and continuing the scene as if the offer had been denied.
• PuPu's friend ends up opening fire on the group, after having had a very bad experience with society, but ends up getting shot back at by PuPu to refute his friend's claims. While the shootout succeeds, it causes the UFO to malfunction and will explode if something isn't done about it. Brandihild, with some help from Hildibrand decides to take the chance and try to deactivate the UFO, Hildibrand utilizing Godbert's techniques to throw him...and blows it by throwing him in the opposite direction. Despite this, Brandihild devises a plan to turn things around, calculating the angle and trajectory to turn himself into a human boomerang and fling himself back to the UFO.
• The finale of the Manderville Weapons reveals that the means of getting the fluids to form the final weapons involves hitting a special frequency via movement. In this case, dancing. In this case, the Manderville Dance. Godbert and his assistants start us off and, it doesn't work. Julyan, who was there to make sure that the entire questline wasn't a financial pit, groans and decides to join in. Seeing the five of them creating the rhythmic resonance but not being enough causes Gerot to fall back and act like his soul has returned to the Lifestream before he decides to throw away his pride and join in.
  • Gerolt is fully expecting the final step to involve something silly, he's totally unprepared for Godbert to inform him that they need to dance The Manderville, shocking him so badly he actually starts crying!