Funny / Family Guy: Seasons 4 to 8

Season Four

51. - North by North Quahog

• The first scene after its resurrection is possibly one of the funniest Take Thats to one's own network ever.
  Peter: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been canceled.
  Lois: Oh no, Peter! How could they do that?
  Peter: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That '80s Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The $treet, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Luis, and (glances at Chris) Greg the Bunny.
  Lois: Is there no hope?
  Peter: Well, I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.
• Peter and Lois' dirty talk.
  Lois: Honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets, huh?
  Peter: Why, Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.
  Lois: Hehehe...that's me.
  Peter: You dirty hustler.
  Lois: Hehehehe...
  Peter: You filthy, stinky prostitute.
  Lois: Aha, okay, I get it...
  Peter: You foul, venereal disease-carrying, street-walking whore.
  Lois: Alright, that's enough!
• Meg and Chris watch Two and a Half Men. Three men, one whom has been cut from the waist up, scream at the top of their lungs. The "half man" then shouts, "KILL ME!"
• When Meg wants to watch The George Lopez Show, Chris refuses to give her the remote on the grounds that it perpetuates the stereotype that George Lopez is funny.
• "Oh man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down." [crashes through chair]
• The scene right afterwards the parodies the mall chase scene from The Blues Brothers.
• As Stewie and Brian go to visit Jake Tucker's parents to talk about how Jake is a bad influence on Chris, Brian tells Stewie to 'not mention the kid's (Jake) face' under any circumstances. Ironically, during the conversation with the parents, it's Brian who inadvertently mentions it while doing his best to be civil.
  Brian: This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face.
  (Brian widens his eyes in horror as Stewie gives Brian a brutal glare)
  • It's arguably funnier when it shows that Tom doesn't take offense or even notices.
    Tom Tucker: It's no problem of mine if it's turned his life upside-down face.
• Peter going into the "Beyond" section of Bed Bath & Beyond.
  Peter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH—oh, here are the coffee mugs!
• Peter and Lois making love on Mount Rushmore.
  Washington: Hey! Hey, Jefferson, check it out. Chick gettin' nailed on my head!
  Jefferson: Sweet! Hey, Teddy! Pass the word down to Frankenstein.
  Lincoln: Oh, ha-ha.

52. - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci, Jr. High

• The episode has a different opening, a spoof of Law & Order. It even begins with a parody of the opening of every episode, complete with the actual narrator:
  Steven Zirnkilton: In the television comedy world, the people are entertained by two separate yet equally important types of shows: traditional sitcoms that get laughs out of everyday situations like trying to fix your own plumbing or inviting two dates at the same dance, and animated shows that make jokes about farting. This is the latter.
• The opening scene at Open House Night.
• The cutaway of Peter using a hose to try to turn the house staircase into a water slide, which ends with him brutally injuring himself. Brian is apathetic:
  Brian: I'm not gonna call the hospital, because you won't learn anything if I do.
• When Mrs. Lockhart passes test papers.
  Mrs. Lockhart: What do you see here, Chris? (holds his paper next to her cleavage)
  Chris: Two D's and an F.
• The running gag of Mrs. Lockhart having Hammerspace in her cleavage. Seriously, she pulls every test out of her chest, and even a machete.
• Lois tells Chris that he must do something romantic and unexpected to win a girl's heart. He comes to school the next day wearing nothing except spaceman boots and an astronaut helmet, the same clothing Peter wore to surprise Lois.
• The Cutaway Gag where Vincent van Gogh gives his severed ear to his wife.
  Wife: Well, at least this will be a funny story to tell our kids someday.
  Vincent: You want kids? Oh, yikes. I wish you'd told me that before I got you this. (holds up a long, thin gift box)
• Another cutaway with Donny and Marie Osmond in bed together.
  Donny: Uh... Marie?
  Marie: Yeah, Donny?
  Donny: Um... we cannot tell Mom.
• Chris slips up that he has a crush on Mrs. Lockhart at the dinner table.
  Lois: Your teacher!?
  Peter: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa... Lois, this is not my Batman glass!
  Lois: Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher!
  Meg: Ew, gross!
  Stewie: You know what else is gross? (farts, and his right eye turns red) Ah! Broke a damn blood vessel!
• Stewie, with curlers and a clay face mask on, yelling at Chris to get in the house.
  Stewie: HEY! Do you have any idea what time it is?! GET IN THE HOUSE, FATTY!
• "Oh my God, there's a bear in my oatmeal!"
• This:
  Lois: What's this? You know, Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pockets. She's more respectful than that.
  Stewie: Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.
• The Cutaway Gag right after Lois decides that she has to get rid of the body:
  Lois: Wait a minute, I can't call the police! I have to get rid of this body or Chris will go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen Oz.
  Singing prisoners: Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there
  Whether you're white or bronze
  A man can wash another man
  In the merry old land of Oz!
• After Lois gets rid of Mr. Lockhart's body post-bear maul:
  Fish 1: You know what I hate? A guy in a blue suit!
  (Mr. Lockhart's body sinks down next to the fish)
  Fish 2: Ooh...!
  Fish 1: (inhales) There's one right behind me, isn't there...?
• The entire sequence where Stewie climbs into Mr. Lockhart's suit and bluffs the cop is Family Guy at its best. Stewie is unsurprisingly smooth at lying, never hesitating or having to think of what to say. Whenever the cop throws a curveball, Stewie doesn't miss a beat. The red stains? From a pizza party at work. Where does he work? First Fidelity Insurance over on Wayne Bossert Street. The same company the cop's cousin Arnie works at? Stewie gives a general, but accurate description of him. Then to top it off, Stewie tells the officer to tell Arnie "Oogity boogity boo" while shaking his arms like a monkey. He'll know what it means.

53. - Blind Ambition

• Peter sticks his head in the ball return at the bowling alley to see Judd Hirsch working on a missile, which becomes a Brick Joke when Peter attempts to make a new flying machine by converting Stewie's tricycle into a 14-winged plane. Stewie gets a few feet before the wings collapse and he's launched into a tree where he sees the Keebler elves plotting an attack on the Rice Krispies mascots, assuming Hirsch delivers the goods. Sure enough, this becomes another Brick Joke when Crackle and Pop are later seen lamenting Snap's offscreen death.
• In the women's restroom at the bowling alley, Quagmire watches Lois while pinned to the ceiling until he grows impatient waiting for her to finish preparing the toilet and tells her to just go already.
• When Bonnie believes that it would be unsafe to give birth in a neighborhood with Quagmire in it:
  Peter: Okay, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like six years, alright. Either have the baby or don't.
• At the mall, when Quagmire sees a woman having a heart attack on the security feed, he runs over and restarts her heart and then tongues her while she's still unconscious. Another woman is relieved that he knows CPR; without missing a beat, he replies "What the hell's CPR?"
• Blind!Peter accidentally climbing into Chris's and then Stewie's bed because he thinks they're Lois. Stewie's reaction is the best. "WHAT THE DEUCE?!"
• Peter admits that while blind, he defecated in the confessional at church, which they frown upon if you're not homeless.
• The cutaway of Stewie and Brian after Brian is neutered and has to wear a cone:
  Stewie: Okay, okay if I make this we're all going to get laid. (He shoots a crumpled paper ball into Brian's cone) Haha, yes! Score, score!
  Brian: Boy, I'd really like to chew on my crotch right now.
• Peter upon hearing that he saved Horace from the blaze at The Drunken Clam.
  Peter: That freaking place was on fire!?
• The ending parodying the ceremony at the end of A New Hope, including cameos from C-3PO, R2-D2, and Chewbacca, who scares Mort.

54. - Don't Make Me Over

• The following:
  Stewie: (singing) I want to have intercourse with you. Uh-oh-yeah. Intercourse with you.
  Brian: (singing) Relations.
  Stewie: Intercourse with you-oo-oo-whoo! Right?
  Brian: Yeah, no great, that sounds good.
  Stewie: All right, groovy, groovy. Now, is there a shorter word for intercourse?
• Brian's dare to Stewie at the mall earlier in the episode:
  Stewie: (running naked through the mall) Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!
• "Oh my God, we don't know any songs!"

55. - The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire

• By the barbershop quartet plus Peter, "You Have AIDS".
• The Petercopter and the Hindenpeter.
  Joe: "HOW CAN YOU AFFORD THESE THINGS?!"
• (Peter in a Quagmire mask humping Brian in a Loretta mask) "I"m Quagmire, I'm Quagmire, you're my best friend's wife but who cares? I'm Quagmire!"
• The part where Quagmire uses Adam West's banana to try to fend off Cleveland:
  Adam West: When the time comes, you'll know what to do.
  (Quagmire tosses banana at Cleveland, who stops for about half a second)
  Quagmire: Dammit! (chase resumes)
• The cutaway where Cleveland and Quagmire are dressed as the Ferstrunk Brothers from the Saturday Night Live skit "Two Wild & Crazy Guys" at a laundromat, then Peter walks in dressed as a Conehead and tells them "You guys look stupid".

56. - Petarded

• Peter as a tumor.
• The doctor explaining Peter's IQ puts him on a chart. From top to bottom are the words "Average", "Retarded" and "Creationists" with Peter in the lower portion of the middle.
• "Good thing I just watched that National Geographic special on fire trucks."
  • At the end of the episode, Peter tries to shoot a fire truck outside the Griffin house, but it extends its ladder and beats him unconscious.
• "Attention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all."
• For that matter Peter using his disability as an excuse to watch women pee.
  Oh, you're just curious! Here, let me show you how everything works down there!
• Brian: You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but uh... EEYEEEEAAAAH, IN YOUR FUCKIN' FACE, FUCKWAAAAAD! ...I'm... I'm sorry about that.
• While having dinner in a fancy restaurant with Lois, Peter apparently has to wear a pair of water wings when he orders soup. Peter is incredulous that something could happen, only to suddenly dunk his face in the soup and begin flailing about, where Lois has to help him out.
  Peter: These water wings didn't help at all!
• The Cutaway Gag of Peter encountering Timer from ABC's Time for Timer shorts.
  Peter: I live next door. It's 3:30 in the morning. I am very tired.
  Timer: Look, a wagon wheel!
  Peter: What the hell is your problem?
  Timer: I just smoked a whole bunch of crack!
• The Cutaway Gag of Stewie dancing, in a parody of Apple's iPod commercials. Even funnier is how abrupt the ending was.

57. - Brian the Bachelor

• Peter and Cleveland get naked while the latter is trying to audition for The Bachelorette. Two people are shocked when they see them.
  Peter: Hi, we're here for the interview.
  [The two people leave]
• While trying to get Brooke to love him back even when it's clear she doesn't, Brian sings to her while playing a guitar only for her to throw a phone at his head, causing him to spend the next few seconds recoiling in pain.
• The B-plot of Chris developing a sentient, malicious pimple named Doug ends with him going to the dermatologist to get him removed. After a brief battle, Chris gets rid of Doug, then the doctor comes back into the room and asks him "You okay, fatass?"

58. - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

• The time Peter bought the breakfast machine from Pee-wee's Big Adventure:
  Peter: WHAT was the point of all that?! Argh! All it does is shoot ya! It doesn't make breakfast at all! Owww!
• When Meg tells Lois she could be having a life on Saturday night:
  Lois: Meg, if you don't want to babysit anymore, that's fine, but don't you stand there and lie to me.
  Peter: OH-HO Meg, she torched your ass man! She torched your ass!
• At Mort's pharmacy:
  Peter: Hey Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors?
  Mort: Peter, are you eating those?
  Peter: No, I'm shoving 'em up my butt. Of course I'm eating 'em!
• Also,
  Stewie: (to Jeremy, the babysitter's boyfriend) Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow"! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!
• It's a bad joke on Meg but still:
  Meg: Please go out with me. I'm just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I'll pay and everything.
  Boy: Yeah...uhh...that sounds cool but I'm gonna be in the hospital that night. (shoots himself in the stomach with a nail gun)

59. - Breaking Out is Hard to Do

• Stewie fails to commit suicide by pulling a plastic bag over his misshapen head.
  Stewie: Good Lord, Lois! Either I was a C-section or you're Wonder Woman!
• The scene where Chris gets pulled into the "Take On Me" music video while trying to retrieve milk from the store, coupled with his confused reaction afterward:
  Lois: Chris, where have you been?
  Chris: I DON'T KNOW!
• WHO ELSE BUT QUAGMIRE?
  • He's Quagmire! Quagmire! You never really know what he's gonna do next! He's Quagmire! Quagmire!
    • Quagmire: Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity, let's have sex!
• "The Asian Trix Rabbit."
• Three's Company Asiantown
• "Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of the pieces to my Lite Brite! My name's not Adam We!...Or is it...? Who am I? What number did you dial?! Don't ever call me again."
• Peter and "that thing" he and Lois do "every Thursday night". At the top of the stairs. (It was originally going to be even worse too.)
  • Almost as funny as that is that after Peter falls, Brian looks at him for a second, then goes back to reading his newspaper without saying a word.
• The time when Peter went to Lois' book club in her place. "Uh, here's another thing. The book can also be..." (puts book on head) "a hat!"
• The scene with Stewie in a sweatshop. His injury leads to his replacement with a newborn baby. Also crosses into Black Humor and Nightmare Fuel.

60. - Model Misbehavior

• Cookie Monster in a toilet stall frantically "cooking up" cookie dough in a spoon.
  Cookie Monster: C'mon, c'mon! (notices Lois) Go away!
• Earlier in the episode, Cookie Monster was in rehab due to his cookie addiction.
• Carter forcing Peter to eat a pine cone.
• Peter says he's luckier than the state of Rhode Island, leading to this cutaway.
  Founding Father 1: Well, I can't decide what to call this place.
  Founding Father 2: We'll flip a coin.
  Founding Father 1: All right. Heads: Rhode Island. Tails: Cacapoopoopeepeeshire.
• This bit:
  Lois: Hey, there, sweetie. I got a wax this morning, and let's just say: You're cleared for landing, huh?
  Quagmire: (outside, off-screen) Giggity!
• The subplot where Brian works for Stewie.
  • Stewie giving Brian the "compliment sandwich". The area where Brian needs improvement: "You have smelly dog farts."
  • Brian, on the phone: "Is Donald... Nagooyen ^NoteNguyen, pronounced Nwin there please? And is he the head of the household? If I could just have a moment of your time- hello?"
  • Stewie calling out Brian's coffee mug which says "Life's a beach".
    Stewie: That's dangerously close to the word "bitch" isn't it?
    Brian: Uh, yeah, that's the joke.
    Stewie: Oh absolutely, and, and nobody appreciates a joke like Stewie. And uh, you know, between you and me, I think it's a stich... but some of the other employees have found it offensive.
    Brian: Other employees? Who else works here besides me?
    Stewie: Fuck you, that's who works here!
• When Carter flat-out admits that he doesn't want Lois to be happy, Peter punches him out... for getting him a book for Christmas. The episode ends with Peter and Lois deciding to have sex on him while he's still out cold, and when he comes to, Peter knocks him out again by hitting him with a lamp.

61. - Peter's Got Woods

• Peter playing peek-a-boo with Stewie. "Oh, great, leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence."
• Peter gets fired from his job at the airline by laughing at the word "cockpit".
• Peter riding the washing machine.
• "Reagan smash! Reagan smash!"
• Peter and Brian capturing James Woods by leaving a trail of Reese's Pieces to a box trap.
  James: Peter? Ooh, a piece of candy! Ooh, a piece of candy! Ooh, a piece of candy! (repeated until Peter and Brian slam the box on James, trapping him)
  Peter: Man, I hope that's James Woods. 'Cause if it's me under there again, I'm gonna be really pissed off.
  

62. - Perfect Castaway

• Peter and Michael Moore's farting contest.
• Peter wants Meg to carry a leaf bag instead of a condom in case a boy wants to have his way with her.
  Peter: (holds leaf bag) Meg, HEFTY HEFTY HEF-TY! (holds condom, high-pitched voice) Wimpy, wimpy, wim-py!
• When Brian is breaking up with Lois:
  Stewie: Uh! Oh my god. No way.
  Stewie: Oh, bitch, you got jacked, bitch!
• Peter says that he used to be a construction worker in New York, but he never got the catcalling right. Cue to Peter working on a construction site with three other guys while an attractive woman walks by:
  First worker: (whistles)
  Second worker: Yeah, baby!
  Third worker: I want a piece of that!
  Peter: YOU SUCK!
• Mayor West takes revenge on the sea by stabbing it with a knife and later has a shouting match with Quahog.
• Everything Quagmire drinks to during a game of "I Never": sleeping with a woman with the lights on, having sex with Cleveland's wife, doing a chick in a Logan Airport bathroom, giving a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance, picking up an illegal alien at Home Depot to choke him at home while he touched himself and doing the same thing but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics.

63. - Jungle Love

• This:
  Lady Guinevere: Oh, Arthur, if you can remove this sword from its stone, and prove that you are the true king of England, I will make love to you in this very field.
  Arthur: What if I just move it a little? Will you touch me?
• Peter as Sandy Duncan's glass eye. Later, he's replaced with Quagmire.
• Chris singing WHAM's "Wake Me Up (Before You Go-Go)" in his screechy voice.

64. - PTV

• Osama bin Laden's bloopers.
• The chairman of the FCC being Cobra Commander.
  Employee: Sir, what course of action do you recommend regarding the Hyde Pierce incident?
  Cobra Commander: You've got to censor television, you fools! Now, follow my orders. [gets in a rocket chair and flies through the ceiling]
• The Dick Van Dyke Show gets Censored for Comedy, becoming "The (BLEEP) Van (BLEEP) Show: Starring (BLEEP) Van (BLEEP)."
• Stewie voicing a laugh track in "Cheeky Bastard".
• The DVD-only "Douchebags" segment. Peter is dared by Cleveland to crap off of an overpass, and it just so happens that Lois and Stewie are underneath...
  Stewie: I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there?...
  [Lois has an epic, no pun intended, Oh, Crap! face. They scream, there is a sickening "splat", and then skidding tires]
  Peter: Uh-oh...
  • Cut back to Lois and Peter, who were arguing about PTV being inappropriate...
    Peter (totally serious): Now Lois, before you start yellin', let me remind you that you were the one who recklessly drove into oncoming crap...
    Lois: It was inexcusable Peter! And Stewie may never be able to ride in the car again.
    Stewie (traumatized): Turn off the windshield wipers, they don't work, they're just making it worse.
• The FCC Song.
• Peter's failed attempt at escaping from the FCC when they come to tell him that PTV is going off the air. He puts on a jetpack, but instead of flying away, the jetpack makes him fall over and headbutt the wall repeatedly until the jetpack runs out of fuel.
  Peter: OK, you caught me. (a picture of Meg lands on his head)
• When Peter explains one of his sex sessions with Lois, it ends up being censored by an airhorn.
  Peter: Oh, Lois, you are so full of (HONK)! ...What!?! I can't say (HONK) in my own (HONK)-ing house? (HONK)-ing great, Lois, just (HONK)-ing great! You're lucky you're good at (HONK)-ing my (HONK) or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about. When you (HONK) lubed up (HONK) toothpaste in my (HONK) and you (HONK) cherry (HONK) Episcopalian (HONK) extension cord (HONK) wetness (HONK) with a parking ticket? That is the best!
• The FCC start censoring farts, making Peter wear a device that converts the sounds of his farts into Steven Wright jokes.
  Wright: I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone.
• When Lois admits that Peter was right for once, he celebrates by throwing a party that he's evidently been waiting for years to throw until Lois said the words. The skeleton of the clown that he hired then falls from the ceiling as a sort of successor to the skeleton pony scene from "The Story on Page One".

65. - Brian Goes Back to College

• Peter sprays himself with Tag Sick Cat Body Spray.
• This part:
  Peter: This looks like a job for the A-Team! (slams his gun down and shoots a hole in the ceiling, causing Chris to fall face-first onto the floor)
  Chris: Hi, Dad!
  Peter: Go to your room.
  Chris: Okay! (runs up the stairs and falls through the hole again face first)
• Brian meets a girl in college, who proceeds to pepper-spray him for asking her a question. Turns out that she was wound up by a sexual violence seminar she attended:
  Speaker: "Look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistics indicate that both of those men will rape you."
  Man on the left: I'm not gonna rape you.
  Man on the right: I might.
• Any gag involving James Bottomtooth.
• A pretty weird episode of The Facts of Life:
  Jo: (deep voice) Hey, Mrs. Garrett. Can I ask you something?
  Mrs. Garrett: What is it, Jo?
  Jo: Is it a problem if your penis and your vagina touch each other?
  Mrs. Garrett: What?!
  Jo: Well, I try to keep them separated, but, uh, I woke up this morning and they were sorta together. I just didn't know. Is that okay?
  Mrs. Garrett: You have both?!
  Jo: Well, yeah. Doesn't everybody?
  Mrs. Garrett: Nooo...!
• The dead-on, shot-for-shot parody of The A-Team's title sequence, ending with Peter getting knocked out of a Jeep and hurting his knee.

66. - The Courtship of Stewie's Father

• A cutaway of Kim Cattrall shows her about to have sex with a guy, but she's so old that when she spreads her legs, they creak and she pours a few drops of oil between them. Then the guy jumps on her and she shatters like glass.
• After finding out that Stewie is entertained by Lois getting hurt, he and Stewie kept ambushing and attacking her, the last attack involving them trapping Lois in the back of the station wagon, driving to a lake, pushing the car into the lake, hitchhiking, eating at a diner, and then going home, all while laughing hysterically. Once they stop laughing, Peter says innocently that he hopes Lois will be alright.
• Brian trying to cheer up Peter with "It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time", especially when Peter leaves the room and he just keeps at it.
• Stewie's reaction to Peter taking him to Disney World.
• When Stewie is captured by park security and forced to sing on the "It's a Tiny World" ride, he initially refuses until another kid warns him that the alternative is doing a Christmas movie with Tim Allen, at which point Stewie immediately begins singing.
• When Peter finds Stewie, he sees his Dutch costume and asks why is he dressed like Rerun.
• The Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom spoof is capped off by Peter and Stewie being confronted by Michael Eisner, who tries to rip out Peter's heart Mola Ram style. Peter grabs his arm and says that "[he] betrayed the shareholders", then throws him to crocodiles who eat him alive. Despite this, Peter claims that Eisner will be back on his feet in no time and probably follow in Jonathan Dolgen's footsteps by getting a pod deal over at Touchstone.
• As Peter and Stewie go home, Stewie contemplates that somewhere in Florida, Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy.

67. - The Fat Guy Strangler

• In the beginning, Joe is unable to finish his steak, but his friends keep urging him on. He then has a violent outburst in which he shoots the table several times with his pistol and points it at them.
  Joe: Oh, I can't do it. I'm so full.
  Peter: Full of what, estrogen? C'mon, take the skirt off, you pansy!
  Joe: Oh.
  Quagmire: Let's go! Chow down, Mary Jane!
  Joe: I said I can't.
  Brian: Eat it! Eat the damn steak!
  Peter: C'mon, what are you waiting for?
  Joe: I can't. No, no, no...
  Cleveland: Eat it, Joe, eat it!
  Joe: I SAID I'M NOT HUNGRY!!!! (shoots his steak into oblivion) WHERE IS IT NOW, HUH???? WHERE IS IT NOW?????
  Cleveland: Easy, sailor. Easy.
  Peter: Put the gun down, Joe.
  Brian: (takes the gun) Yeah, nobody's judging you, man. It's cool. I'll just put this back in your purse next to your tampons.
• The gag of Peter unknowingly terrifying Patrick by saying Jackie Gleeson's catchphrase "POW! Right in the kisser!", over and over again.
• When Brian is trying to tell Lois her brother is a serial killer she denies it. What makes it funny is the sheer overwhelming evidence (photos of him strangling fat guys, a dead fat guy in his room, a half-dead fat guy in his room that says "Patrick tried to kill me.") doesn't convince her, but Brian simply shouting at her does. And then the half-dead fat guy asks if he could eat the dead fat guy right next to him.
• Peter announces to everyone that he's fat.
• That game of The Price Is Right:
  Bob Barker: All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set?
  Jennifer: Umm... $675, Bob.
  Bob: $675. Stephen?
  Stephen: Uh, $780.
  Bob: $780. Tammy?
  Tammy: What was the last bid?
  Bob: $780.
  Tammy: $781.
  Stephen: Fuck you!
• Peter says that when he scared Patrick, he set him off like a Paul Schaffer fire alarm.

68. - The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz

• Peter on steroids:
  Lois: Peter, could you please pass the potatoes?
  Peter: [flips the bowl of mashed potatoes over and yells] Dammit, Meg! [punches Meg, knocking her out]
• That time Peter lost his virginity.
• Peter's megaphone sounding like Aaron Neville.
• Jesus is buried after the crucifixion, then he leaps into a redneck who just slept with a farmer's daughter. "Oh boy!"
• Peter at his cousin's wedding, during a cutaway:
  Preacher: If anyone has any objections, Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace.
  Peter: (Looks around) Really? No one's gonna speak up? I'm the one who's gonna have to say it? Alright...GENITAL WARTS!
• Peter, Brian, and Francis tearing down Madonna:
  Peter: Could there be anyone stupider than me?
  Brian: ...Madonna?
  Peter: Oh yeah. She's pretty stupid. That's something we can all agree on, right?
  Brian: Absolutely, yeah. Francis?
  Francis: Oh, major idiot. Major idiot.
  Brian: Yeah. Gosh! I guess we do have some common ground here after all, huh?
  Peter: Yeah. And "La Isla Bonita" - not a real place. I looked it up, bought a globe, couldn't find it.
  Brian: That makes her a liar, too.
  Francis: She's awful.
  Peter: Awful, awful woman.
  Brian: I agree. Yeah.
  Francis: And she's a whore.
  Brian: Yeah, big time.
  Peter: Oh, everybody. Canseco? Ew.
  Brian: Dennis Rodman?
  Peter: Dennis Rodman. Right, right.
  Francis: Rodman? My god!
  Peter: I think he lost all his money, didn't he?
  Brian: Rodman? Are you sure you're not thinking of MC Hammer?
  Peter: No, no... Well, him too. I read somewhere. I think it was in, like, Stuff or so... no, you know what it was? It was on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel. And they said that he's in the poorhouse now.
  Francis: You think she'd do him now?
  Peter: Would Madonna do Rodman now? Oh yeah. Because it's not about the money, it's about pissing off daddy.
  Brian: She's got a lot of problems.
  Francis: Lot of problems.
  Peter: Yeah, well we are smarter. We are smarter than...than Madonna.
  Francis: Oh. No question.
  [Beat]
  Peter: Well, I should probably get out of these robes.

69. - Brian Sings and Swings

• Stewie beginning to worry that once Brian dies, he'll end up hanging out with Dwayne Johnson again. This leads to an action movie tailer that gets quickly derailed by the narrator questioning what race The Rock is:
  Don LaFontaine: One's a baby, and the other's... black... I think... At least... part black... or Hispanic... I think, you know, there might be some Filipino in there. Yeah, possibly some Filipino. I mean, if he's black, it's definitely... diluted... I mean... one of his parents must be white. What the hell is Jessica Alba for that matter? If I were 40 years younger, I would plow that till next July.
• "Hey, Brian, you know, when you wear that suit, it looks like you're taking a white poop. But it's stuck."
• Stewie attempting to entertain himself by playing 52 Pickup.
  Stewie: This would be much more fun if there were someone else around. Because then they'd say, "I'm not picking up those cards." And then I'd say, "You have to. It's 52 Pickup." And then they'd say, "What if I just leave them there?" And I'd say, "Those are my father's cards. You can't just leave them there. He's gonna be mad." Where am I?
• Peter pretending to be racist in a not-so-diverse jury duty:
  Peter: Awful lotta honkies in here.
• A cutaway presents John Goodman as a glutton eating his now-emaciated family's entire Thanksgiving feast.
  Son: Please, daddy.
  Goodman: I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left!
  Son: There won't be any left. There's never any left.
  (Wife tries to grab some mashed potatoes, but Goodman stabs her with a fork)
  Wife: (chuckles nervously) Happy Thanksgiving.
• Stewie's tale of Brian leaving him behind on the way home from the club:
  Stewie: Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here's where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed (revealing a bloody stump where his left ear was) I'm missing an ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven, so when you're ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.
  • Since nobody seems to pay his injury much mind, Stewie says that he'll just substitute his ear with the ear from a Mr. Potato Head.
• Peter once got mugged by Gene Shalit.
  Shalit: Don't... Panic Room! I'm not going to... William Hurt you! I just want your... Tango & Cash! So just... Pay It Forward... and we'll all be... Happy Gilmore!
  Peter: What?
• Peter pretending to be a Hassidic Jew to get out of work:
  Peter: Good morning, Hebrews and Shebrews. What a glorious Jewish day. How about all those coupons in the Sunday paper, huh? Some good deals there. I went into a store last week and they wanted 800 bucks for a TV, but I ussed them down to 500.
  [one of the Jews kicks him in the groin]
• The infomercial that Stewie and Frank, Jr. watch in their dressing room.
  Asian Man: Hello. How come I rich and you not? How come you not sell real estate like I do? How come I sleep with your wife while you at work? And then I pee in your toilet and don't flush? And sometimes I open the back part and I pee there, so that next time you flush, pee come out? You know why? 'Cause I smart. I smart, you stupid. Call now.
• Stewie stuck in line at the supermarket in the 10 Items or Less line behind Bruce.
  Bruce: I could definitely use a breath freshener. Ooh, but that's gon' give me 11 items.
  Cashier: That's fine.
  Bruce: No, no, no, rules is rules. Now let's see what I'm 'onna put back. Hmmm. I need the Reynolds Wrap and the bathroom tissue. I could do without the Triscuits, but they sure are good.
  [Stewie sighs.]
  Bruce: 7-Up's the only reason I came here in the first place. You know what? I'm not gonna need the V8. I'll just buy some tomater juice from the minimart down the street. It's a bit more expensive, but I like helpin' out a small business. I hope you don't mind if I pay you in pennies.

70. - Patriot Games

• The entire subplot where Brian holds out on giving Stewie the $50 he lost on a bet.
  • "Where's my money? You gonna give me my money?! WHERE'S MY MONEY, MAN?!"
  • "You got 'till 5 o' clock! You hear me? YOU GOT 'TILL 5 O' CLOCK!"
  • Brian sneaks past Stewie while wearing a fake mustache. He greets Stewie who at first falls for it, but he catches on and starts beating Brian up again.
  • The crowning moment has, with no doubt, got to be this:
    Brian: Stewie, listen! This is crazy, you got- OH MY GOD!
    (Cue Stewie torching him with a flamethrower as Brian screams in pure agony)
    Brian: Alright, let's go to the bank.
  • Later when the Griffins are on the plane to England, Brian refuses to accept Stewie's apology. Stewie offers one free revenge shot, and Brian is all too happy to take advantage of it. He allows Stewie to let paranoia settle in, to the point where he starts punching himself. At the end of the episode, Brian shoves Stewie in front of a moving bus.
• Jay Leno's apparent stalking of Tom Brady. "Hey Brady, what kinda suit you wanna be buried in?! *evil laugh*"

71. - I Take Thee Quagmire

• Peter on Wheel of Fortune. "Uh, okay, ummm… Z… 4… Q… another Q… uhhh… a third Q... and a Batman Symbol."
  • Miraculously, despite no help with those choices, Peter guesses correctly: "Is it "Alex Karras in Webster?" (ding ding ding!) "I... don't... believe it."
  • And later, when he's picking out the prizes:
    Peter: Say, uh, how much for the fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
    Pat: That's you.
    Peter: Oh, embarrassing...
• Mayor West on Jeopardy!: when host Alex Trebek asks the question of what was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars, West replies with "Kebert Xela", which when read causes Trebek to disappear to the 5th dimension a la Mr. Mxyzptlk.
• Suffering from breast milk withdrawal, Stewie tries to get some from another woman by launching himself off a swingset at her while she's breastfeeding her own baby. As Lois carries Stewie away, he admonishes the woman:
  Stewie: By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs?! Those aren't boobs, they're lies!
• The Malcolm in the Middle parody: Lois is complaining and becoming increasingly more irate until Hal (with Bryan Cranston reprising his role) removes the freezer door and kills her with one good whack. He then declares that he and the boys are finally free and he, Malcolm, Reese, and Dewey walk off into the sunset.
• To remind him of who he is, Peter buys Quagmire the Statue of Liberty's foot. When Quagmire turns him down, Peter goes into a tirade about how it cost him $437,000 and he had to call in favors from people he's never even met. Not long after, there's Mayor West's reaction to it.
• The fake death for Quagmire that Peter, Joe, and Cleveland set up. Joe pretends to attack Quagmire as a ninja, then Cleveland appears as a Nazi and shoots him with a ball gun, then Peter appears as "an evil pots-and-pans robot" and shoots him with a toy laser. Lastly, Peter holds a T. rex toy in front of the camera to make it look like it's eating Quagmire, while singing the Jurassic Park theme.
  • When Joan doesn't buy it, Quagmire comes in and pretends to have a heart attack, leading to this:
    Joan: Is he all right?
    Joe: No, he's dead. I can tell. I'm a cop.
    Joan: Oh, my God. Are you sure?
    Peter: You know what'll prove it? When people die, they void their bowels. (nothing happens) I said, when people die, they void their bowels.
    (cut to the outside of the house, where Peter, Cleveland and Joe all laugh at Quagmire)
    Peter: What a jackass.

72. - Sibling Rivalry

• Lois and Peter "roleplaying":
  Lois (dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl): Oh, I need a spankin'. I'm a bad, bad girl!
  Peter: I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my Helm of Disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his +5 Holy Avenger.
  Lois: Paladins can't use the Helm of Disintegration.
  Peter: Oh. Then I'm a black guy.
• Peter challenging Lois to a race around the world.
• The Vasectomy Song. Which gets quickly derailed when the singers start ranting about a sexual harassment incident.
• Joe at the Drunken Clam:
  Joe: It's not that big a deal. A lot of the guys on the force have had vasectomies and their lives haven't changed at all.
  Cleveland: Would you ever get one?
  Joe: [grabs Cleveland by his collar, shaking him hard] NEVER!
  [Joe slams Cleveland's face onto the table, then takes a deep gulp of beer]
• This exchange:
  Bertram: Well, well, well. If it isn't my half-brother, Stewie!
  Stewie: Bertram! I haven't seen you since our microscopic encounter. How the deuce did you get out of Peter's testicles?
  Bertram: He donated sperm.
  Stewie: Gross.
• Peter meets Scrat the sabertooth squirrel. Bonus points for getting Blue Sky Studios, the studio behind the Ice Age movies, to animate this cutaway^noteboth Family Guy and Ice Age are properties of 20th Century Fox.
  (Scrat tries to pull an acorn off an ice glacier, but is stopped by Peter)
  Peter: No! No! Bad squirrel! Those are my nuts! My nuts! (as Scrat continues trying to pull the acorn off the glacier) Ahh, you're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts!
  (Scrat yells and charges at Peter)
  Peter: Ah! No! Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts!
• At the end of the episode, Peter gets caught making out with a bag of Lois' liposuctioned fat.
  Peter: Uhh... It's EXACTLY what it looks like.

73. - Deep Throats

• Brian telling Lois about what he watched on TV: "I just watched a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I still don't know what a hollaback girl is. All I know is that I want her dead. Hey, can you hand me the remote?" (said remote is right next to him)
• Peter and Lois licking Chris like ice cream when they're high.
  Chris: (sobbing) Stop!
• The uncut version of Lois and Peter lying on top of each other naked on the couch much to Stewie and Brian's discomfort:
  Brian: All we need is one incriminating entry in this datebook and that's our ticket to...
  (He and Stewie see Lois and Peter lying completely naked on the sofa)
  Peter: Hey Brian. What's up?
  Brian: Uh, hi, um, Lois...Peter...
  Lois: Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's sooo comfortable!
  Peter: Hey, Lois. Look how short Stewie is. (laughs) He's so short. (continues laughing)
  Lois: Oh my God, he is short.
  (both laugh hysterically)
  Lois: Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door! What should I do?
  Brian: What?
  Lois: He's knocking on the back door! Should I let him in? I'm scared!
  Stewie: Well, um, you two are busy being nude, so, um, we'll just head out and uh...let you be nude.
  • Ironically, given that Brian sees Lois naked, he reacts very nervously, considering the fact he has a crush on her. Watch the clip for yourself. You'll never watch Family Guy the same way again!
• Peter and Lois lost the talent-show performance, since they were both incredibly high.
  Peter: I can't believe we lost the talent show! What'd we do wrong?
  Chris: Well, I think I can shed a little light on that. You guys were so baked, you didn't sound anywhere near as good as you thought you were. I was in the audience.
  (Flashback to Chris in the audience staring in disbelief as Peter and Lois are on stage, yelling into the mic.)
  Lois: And here I thought the weed was inspiring us.
  Chris: Well, that's a popular misconception, Mom and Dad, but the fact is, the chief ingredient in marijuana is THC, a mild form of acid, prolonged usage of which can cause adverse effects to your sexual potency, short-term memory loss and can also severely damage your brain tissue central nervous system and basic motor skills. To put it simply, Mom and Dad, a reason that they call it "dope".
• The gag of Stewie getting annoyed by people talking while he watches "Mr. Belvedere", which leads him to start screaming the theme song in retaliation:
  Lois: (to Peter) You know it would be fun to write new songs.
  Stewie: You know what else is fun? Watching "Mr. Belvedere" without people talking so loud.
  Lois: So I was thinking we could—
  Stewie: (angrily singing at the top of his lungs, out of tune) STREAKS ON THE CHINA, NEVER MATTERED BEFORE!!! WHO CARED!?! WHEN YOU DROPPED KICKED YOUR JACKET, AS YOU CAME THROUGH THE DOOR, NO ONE GLARED!!!
  • Then, at the end, once more, after Chris starts lecturing about weed:
  Lois: And here we thought the weed was inspiring us.
  Stewie: (sighs) Trying to watch Mr. Belvedere...
  Chris: So my advice to the two of you would be—
  Stewie: (singing the same as before) ACCORDING TO OUR NEW ARRIVAL, LIFE IS MORE THAN MERE SURVIVAL, WE JUST MIGHT LIVE THE GOOD LIFE YET!!! DA! DA-NA-NA-NA-NA! DA-NA-NA-NA-NA! NA-NA-NA!!!

74. - Peterotica

• Peter's erotic novel, The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish. As read by Betty White. Voicing herself!
• While listening to Peter's novel, a random guy gets distracted and accidentally drives his car right into the Kool-Aid Man's house.
  Kool-Aid Man: Wow. You know from the other side that's kind of annoying.
  • Later on, Carter and Peter decide to rob a train, only to find nobody on board except for the conductor. Carter promptly throws Peter off the train... And into the Kool-Aid Man's house.
    Kool-Aid Man: (After fixing his wall) Good as new! (Peter crashes into the wall, ruining all his hard work) OH COME ON!!!
• Jude Law and Renée Zellweger in The Picnic.
  Jude: These ants are ruining our picnic!
  Renee: (face comically stretched out so she looks like an anteater) You mean the picnic is ruining our ants! (Cue scene of Renée eating ants set to Roll to Me.)
• The lawyer being forced by Carter to fight the Rancor, but he somehow wins the battle...
  Carter: Huh, I didn't know that "Greenberg" was a Jedi name...
• The Julia Roberts cutaway where she hugs herself and says "ME!" repeatedly while cackling.
• Peter's "thinking grenades". He casually pulls the pins on them and throws them out the window to his right, causing mayhem that he's completely oblivious to as he's lost in thought.
• At the end of the episode, Lois tells Peter that she once turned down Carter's offer to give them $10 million. As she talks about how they don't need money to be happy, Peter is having an Imagine Spot of him throwing Lois on the couch, smothering her with a pillow, throwing her corpse on a burning pile of wood, and lying to the police about her whereabouts when they show up at the door.

75. - You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives

• An instructional film about gay people claims that they have acid for blood like a Xenomorph, which leaks from a guy's arm and burns a hole in the ground when he gets an injection. Soon after, a giant scorpion-like monster bursts from his chest and the doctor kills it by shooting it repeatedly with a shotgun.
  Narrator: Not today, nancy boy! (the film ends)
• This moment with Tom Tucker:
  Tom: And now this. (plays with a Whee-lo) Look at that. In the thirties, they called this an Uncle Spinny Dervish.
  Diane: Really?
  Tom: I dunno. I'm just bored.
• Stewie rummaging through the Pewterschmidts' candy jar.
  Stewie: God, this is such an old people house, you know? I mean, look at this candy jar. Let's, uh, take a look in here. Let's see what you got here. You got, uh... Oh, you got licorice. Oh, that's, uh, that's, uh... Oh, oh, Freedent! Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah, I got— I got a sweet tooth, I think I'll have some Freedent. Yeah, uh, oh, oh, what's this? Oh, a cough drop! A Luden's cough drop! Is that candy? No, I don't think that's candy; I think it's a COUGH DROP! Uh, what else we got? Oh, oh, look! Look at this! There's a fishing lure in here! There's a fishing lure in the candy jar! W-w-what?! Am I— am I supposed to EAT this? Eat a fishing lure? Hey, look, Brian's on TV!

76. - Petergeist

• While looking in the bathroom mirror, Peter tears off the skin on his face and underneath is Hank Hill's head.
  Peter: (laughs) Propane.
• The exit to the spirit world is in Meg's ass. Naturally, Peter goofs around with it by launching golf balls through it, then sticking his head out and declaring "Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque!"
• Going hunting with Dick Cheney
• Lois thinks the floating furniture isn't that odd.
  Brian: I haven't seen this much denial since John Travolta married Kelly Preston.
  (cutaway...)
  Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
  John Travolta: I totally do. I mean, yeah yes, absolutely. And, I'm gonna do stuff to her too. Like, touch her? (Kelly nods) Yeah, touch her and kiss her, and touch her penis. (Kelly shakes her head) I mean no, not that. Not that.

77. - Untitled Griffin Family History

• The reason Peter has a panic room is that he watched The Butterfly Effect and built it so he had somewhere that the movie couldn't find him.
• Caveman Stewie:
  Stewie: Damn all. What deuce? Victory, Stewie's.
• Meg, to the family after being dumped down the vent: "I hate you all!"
  Stewie: I hate you too, bitch. Oh no no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine?
• Nate!Peter trying to get a sleeping Lois's attention. Pebbles don't work, so he throws an entire horse into her bedroom, which proceeds to wreck the entire room. Finally, Lois wakes up: "Is someone there?"
• Nate Griffin founded the DMV for the sole purpose of revenge against white people.
• After misfiring a flare gun and setting off the panic room's fire sprinkler, Peter puts on a scuba suit and leaves the rest of his family to drown while he sinks under the water. He resurfaces when it turns out his oxygen tank was actually a tank of Tony Danza's breath, and the tank he was supposed to get was mailed to Judith Light, who ordered the tank of Danza's breath for a homemade love doll of him.
• "Black-Eye" Griffin says a really long sentence to the audience. The intertitle: "That's pie."
• Peter admitting that he didn't like The Godfather, and the ensuing argument.
  Lois: Explain yourself. What didn't you like about it?
  Peter: It insists upon itself, Lois.
  Lois: What?
  Peter: It insists upon itself.
  Lois: What does that even mean?
  Chris: Because it has a valid point to make, IT'S INSISTED!

78., 79., and 80. - Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story

Season Five

81. - Stewie Loves Lois

• Stewie faking an overdose to get Lois' attention.
  Brian: You look like a jackass.
  Stewie: Can't hear you, Brian; I'm dead.
  Brian: All right. *plugs up the toilet with a towel, then flushes*
  Stewie: What did you do? *toilet overflows and begins to flood the bathroom* Oh, that is so not cool...
• Kermit the racist:
  Man: Excuse me, do you know the way to town?
  Kermit: Yeah, it's back the way you came. (cocks shotgun)
• Stewie switching to Spanish.
• When Peter first comes home from Dr. Hartman's office (where he bolted from a routine prostate exam):
  Lois: Peter, my God, you look terrible!
  Peter: I was raped.
  Lois: (chuckles) What?
  Peter: Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
  Lois: (chuckles again) What?!
  (Peter whispers to Lois)
  Lois: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.
  Peter: You sound just like him! (runs out crying)
  Lois: Fucking idiot.
• Peter cutting his hair and drawing makeup on himself:
  Peter: Wear your whore makeup, you whore!
• This scene:
  Stewie: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
  Lois: WHAT!?
  (Beat)
  Stewie: Hi! (runs off giggling)
• After Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland confess that Dr. Hartman "molested" them (actually giving them a prostate exam), Joe says: "You guys are a bunch of queers." And rolls away. And comes back and says, "AND SO AM I!"
• "Relax! I be a doctor!"
  • "GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!"

82. - Mother Tucker

• The "I Want Ice Cream" scene.
• Tim McCarver's sportscasting:
  McCarver: In my view, as good as the Yankees were in the first half of this game, that's how as bad they've been now.
• While Brian and Stewie are playing wacky sounds on their radio show, Stewie presses a button that plays an excerpt of the trial from Philadelphia:
  Joe Miller: —After all, AIDS is a deadly, incurable disease. But no matter how you come to judge Charles Wheeler and his partners in ethical, moral, and in human terms, the fact of the matter is, when they fired Andrew Beckett because he had AIDS, they broke the law.
  Brian: What is wrong with you?
  Stewie: I swear to God, that was supposed to be "Food fight!".

83. - Hell Comes to Quahog

• At the roller rink, Quagmire asks out a woman who looks thin viewed from the back, only for her to face him and turn out to be super fat from the front.
• "Dude, these animals are so FUCKING funny!"
  • "THEY MAKE ME WANNA MERGE WITHOUT LOOKING!"
  • "Yeah! Rumsfeld!"
• After buying a tank, Peter and Lois take it to the drive-in theater. When Peter gets angry that the movie has no conflict, he fires a shell through the screen. Meanwhile, a guy and his wife are arguing that the guy won't remove the stump in their yard; you're led to believe the shell will blow up the stump, but instead it crashes through the roof and blows up the wife, then it's revealed that the stump is alive and he and the guy are lovers.
• Meg says she's going to get a job to pay for a car and Chris tells her he'll pay her a dollar a day to smell his sneakers. His repeated laughing and the family's bored reactions to this are hilarious.
  • In the uncut version, he eventually soils himself and declares "Oh, I peed and pooped."
• Brian biting a Special Needs kid after the kid strokes him repeatedly.
• After Superstore USA puts Cleveland, Mort, and several other store owners out of business, the only guy making money is an old man selling tumbleweeds.
• Peter blows a raspberry every time Meg's name is mentioned, prompting Chris to then repeat Meg's name over and over again until Lois tells him to stop. At the end of the episode, he does so again, but actually farts on the last mention of Meg. "Uh-oh...Pardon me."
• The random recreation of The Electric Company (1971) opening.
• The cutaway of Peter trying to do his SAT. He pulls out an Asian boy and tries to urge him into doing it for him.
  Peter: Come on. Do math.
• Meg's boss's name.
  Meg: Mr. Penisberg, I quit.
  Peter: (overjoyed) Penisberg?!
  Mr. Penisberg: Yeah yeah, get it out of your system.

84. - Saving Private Brian

• The whole episode full stop, but one line in particular.
  Peter: Don't listen to her Chris, the army is great! You get free food, they pay for college, and all the brown people you can rape.
• Getting a birthday telegram from Zinedine Zidane.
• Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills. "Hold out your stockings, kids!!"
• Peter trying to cover the sounds of his farts by coughing at a meeting.
• Peter not being sure whether Marilyn Manson is male or female.
  Peter: Look, you can totally see his or her nipples! That's obscene, maybe.
  Lois: There's only one thing to do.
  Peter: You're right. We gotta find this Marilyn Manson and I gotta give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis!

85. - Whistle While Your Wife Works

• When the opening sequence went horribly wrong...
• A lot of the dumb things Jillian says.
  Jillian: I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him!
• Peter having Lois write his letter of admiration to Life cereal:
  Dear Life cereal, where do you get off? "Part of a balanced breakfast and delicious"? Who do you think you are? By now, you may have guessed I'm speaking ironically and have nothing but good things to say about what you do. Life cereal, do not change a thing. Signed, Peter Griffin, dictated but not read.
• Jillian's Girl Posse. They make Jillian look like a genius by comparison.
  "Gloss rhymes with hair!"
• Anything involving Buzz Killington.
  So who wants to hear a good story about a bridge? (everyone facepalms)
• Peter's new porn hiding place.
• Stewie's reinterpreted lyrics to "Cars" by Gary Numan.
  Brian had sex/With a really dumb girl/Now he's taking his friend Stewie/To get some ice cream/In his car—(Brian turns the music off) Oh, you're a poor sport.

86. - Prick Up Your Ears

• The Opal Ring Crusade.
• Peter shows up in Lois' class to watch her teach because he's "missed too many other opportunities", followed by a Cutaway Gag of Peter as the straight-line Tetris piece. He moves at the last second, completely screwing up the formation and earning the ire of the other Tetris pieces, remarking "Oh God, oh boy, I am NOT gonna here the end of this..."
• "He's sitting informally like us! Let's hear what he has to say".
• Peter saying he'll be as untouched as the turn signal on an Asian woman's car. Unfortunately, it's only on the DVD and [adult swim] version. The version shown on FOX, syndication, and Netflix has a different scene where Peter mispronounces "abstinent" as "obstinate" and "absinthe" and grounds Meg when she corrects him.
• Peter teaching Sex Ed by repeatedly smashing a Rainbow Brite doll into a bust of William Shakespeare.
• To attract the Tooth Fairy, Stewie steals Herbert's false teeth while he's dreaming about being invited to dance with Fred Savage. When he finds that they're not real, he puts them on his lip and pretends that he's Gary Busey.
  Stewie: Brian, Brian, look, I'm Gary Busey. I'm frequently aggressive in situations that don't call for it.

87. - Chick Cancer

• Chester Cheetah, the exemplar of cool:
  (Chester's run-down apartment, "Tom Sawyer" by Rush is playing; Chester chops up a pile of Cheetos with a razor blade like it was cocaine...and then snorts a line of it.)
  Chester: (snort) OHHHHHH! GOD, THERE IS NO FUCKING DRUMMER BETTER THAN NEAL PEART! (slams his fist into the glass table, shattering it; regards his now glass-strewn hand nonchalantly) It ain't easy being cheezy.
• Peter's chick flick Steel Vaginas.
  • WE GOTTA GET THIS WOMAN TO SURGERY TIME, RIGHT STAT NOW!
  • Joe's "fake legs" (seemingly ripped from an NES game) in said scene.
  • Joe's reaction to the finished movie: "Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen." "My ass is actually sore. My ass is actually sore." (even funnier is that the line was AD-LIBBED by Patrick Warburton!)
• When Stewie and Olivia start dating, they spend the day together and leave before dark because the area they're in is dangerous at night. We then see a lion and a robot fight each other.
• The "Look at my kids" scene.

88. - Barely Legal

• The Wiz Shout-Out with a large number of black people randomly dancing in the streets after Mayor West sends the entire police department to Colombia to "rescue" a fictional character from Romancing the Stone, a movie from fifteen years ago.
• The A plot is Meg falling in love with Brian whilst his attempts to reject her just don't get through to her. One of the ways he tries to get out of a relationship with her is pretending he's homosexual.
  Brian: "I saw this penis on the Internet the other day, and I thought to myself; 'Well that's...that's just fine.'"
  • Later in the same scene:
    Brian: I have plans with Chris. We're gonna do...uh...what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon.
    Chris: Masturbate?
    Brian: Masturbate, we're gonna masturbate together!^note On the censored version, the line is "That's it. That's what we're gonna do together", as the FOX censors only wanted Seth MacFarlane to use "masturbate" once, which is a step up from asking him to either remove the word or use euphemisms.
    Chris: Well, maybe back-to-back, but I gotta tell you, I ain't 100% on this.
• "Say whip." "Whip." "Now say Cool Whip." "Coo' Hwip." "Cool Whip!" "Coo' Hwhip." "You're eating hair!" *spit*
  • "Just relax. We're gonna be here for a hwhile!"
  • "Brian, you're acting hweird!"
    • "Oh, COME ON! That one doesn't even have an H in it!"
• Joe: GET NAKED YOU STRANGE WHORE! (mind you, as he explains to the guys, he's looking at his wife Bonnie undress while pretending that she's someone else... who happens to look just like Bonnie.)
• When Peter and Lois find Meg after she's kidnapped Brian:
  Lois: Brian, she's a teenager!
  Peter: Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that oriental guy^note changed to "Chinaman" in some airings and on DVD that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
  Lois: Peter, hold on to that thought because I'm going to explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement.
• "Do you have the hwhip?"

89. - Road to Rupert

• Peter remembering all the good times he had with his anvil.
  • Peter: Ooh, a dollar! (He placed a dollar on the ground and used a rope to hold his anvil over it. Cue Peter forgetting two seconds later)
• Peter gets his license revoked, so he pretends to be on Cheers by pressing his face close to the TV set. He gets upset with the cast ignoring him, so he punches the TV, breaking it.
• Peter drumming up a sitcom called My Black Son starring himself and Emmanuel Lewis.
  My black son, my black son
  Now, each day my heart is getting bigger
  Don't even remember sleeping with that lady, but I did
  
  Also, he's a ninja!
• After Brian admits that he accidentally sold Rupert, Stewie says that what he did was more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone.
  Guy: Wow, that was great! One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, and the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone.
  Stone: Yeah. Now comes the best part. (eats his head like a praying mantis)
• When the helicopter Brian and Stewie are piloting together crashes down the mountainside, it cuts to the two of them screaming in a back and forth succession between the two. At one point it inexplicably cuts to Stewie dressed as the devil laughing manically with thunder and lightning in the background (a Shout-Out to Planes, Trains and Automobiles).
  • And when they crash the helicopter...
    Stewie: Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.
• Oh, Crone! (throws tea in kid's eyes)
• The carjacking scene.
  Stewie: Get out of the fucking car! Get out of the fucking car right now man! Do it or I'll fucking kill you! Get the fuck out of the fucking car!
  (seconds later)
  Brian: Did we just carjack that guy?
  Stewie: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.
  (cue credits)

90. - Peter's Two Dads

• Peter dressed as a clown doing the trick where he pulls tied-together scarves out his mouth... only to realize he wasn't really supposed to swallow them. Then, he discovers his long johns weren't tied with the scarves.
  Peter: OW! OW! OW!
• The time Peter got stuck behind Robert Loggia at the airport.
• Stewie and an Asian Mall Santa:
  Asian Santa: What you want? What you want for Christmas?
  Stewie: Uh, I was thinking one of those old-timey—
  Asian Santa: Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas! [throws Stewie offscreen and an Asian kid gets on his lap] What you want?
  Asian Kid: Firetruck!
  Asian Santa: What color?
  Asian Kid: Red!
  Asian Santa: Next! [throws the Asian kid offscreen, Asian kid gives a brief yell]
• After Francis dies, Peter buries him in a pet cemetery and he inexplicably bursts out of the ground, prompting Peter to beat him with his shovel. It makes perfect sense if you've heard of Pet Sematary.
• The entire "Peter does crack" sequence.
  • After realising the problems his drinking causes, Peter vows to never drink again. Cut to him sitting on the couch smoking a crack pipe:
  Brian: Peter, what're you doing?!
  Peter: Crack.
  Brian: What the FUCK?!
  Peter: Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.
  Brian: Yeah, but this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack?
  Peter: From Blacks.
  Brian: What?!
  Peter: Yeah, right behind Blacks Hardware Store, there's a white guy selling it.
  • Brian encourages Peter to see a hypnotherapist and gives him the number. Peter reluctantly takes it and Brian walks away, then Peter immediately starts smoking the crack pipe again. A little while later:
  Brian: Hey, Peter. Just thought I'd check on y-oh my GOD!
  Peter: (half-naked, high out of his mind, and rocking a couch cushion back and forth) Gubment came and took my baaaaaaaaaby!
• The time Mother Teresa OD'd in Stewie's car.
  Random Guy #1: She is messed up, man!
  Stewie: Shut up, Just shut up and let me fuckin' think!
  (Stewie drives for a few seconds, then stops)
  Stewie: Push her out!
  Random Guy #2: We can't leave her alone!
  Stewie: PUSH THE BITCH OUT!
• Brian doesn't believe in the stereotype that the Irish drink a lot. The plane that he and Peter are on lands on a runway that's completely covered in discarded beer bottles.

91. - The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou

• The cutaway of Peter feeding his mogwai after midnight. It spontaneously morphs into Fran Drescher and Peter kills her by blowing up her head in the microwave.
• Peter's Oh, Crap! reaction and how he hides in a tree from Lois after he beats up Kyle in a rage.
  Peter: I'm going to prison, aren't I?
• Stewie delving into the tanning lifestyle. He goes into a tanning bed, tasking Brian to wake him up in fifteen minutes. Brian falls asleep on the couch. For six-and-a-half hours. When he wakes Stewie up, he's roughly the same color as his overalls and can't move without inflicting extreme agony upon himself.
  • Immediately after he gets out of the tanning bed, he asks Brian to put some lotion on him. As Mr. Furley from Three's Company walks in, and from his point of view, Stewie's kneeling at Brian's feet with white stuff sprayed on his face...
• The "movie" Stewie's tan friend wrote that is basically Brokeback Mountain from the point of view of the horses. The horse's reaction to what he saw in the tent...
• Stewie says that Jim Henson's "wait and see" attitude leading to his death in the 90s is why they now have wrong-sounding Muppets. We're given a cutaway of an intelligible Swedish Chef and a deep-voiced, deadpan Kermit.
  • "Wakka wakka. Who wants to hear a funny ass joke?".

92. - Airport '07

• Peter eats half of a Fudgesicle in one bite, and proceeds to cry out in agony until his head explodes.
• Carl Sagan's Cosmos, edited for rednecks.
  Sagan: I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four bil—
  Redneck narrator: —Hundreds and hundreds of years old.
  Sagan: Scientists have determined that the universe was created by—
  Redneck narrator: —Gooooooooooooooooooood.
  Sagan: —big bang. If you look at the bones of a—
  Redneck narrator: —Jesus—
  Sagan: —saurus rex, it's clear, by the use of carbon-dating that—
  Redneck narrator: —Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.
• Peter spits some chewing tobacco into a cup, which Stewie mistakes for his cup of apple juice. Brian tries to warn him that it's not, only to let him drink it after remembering the beating that Stewie gave him in "Patriot Games", and upon drinking it Stewie spits it out and screams. Peter then spits more tobacco in Stewie's mouth, making him scream louder.
• While no one on Quagmire's plane is killed by it crashing, Channel 5 shows a visualization of the plane crashing into a school and the children running out on fire, then the plane crashing into a school for bunnies and the bunnies running out on fire, then the same thing as the second, but one passenger survives and takes it out on his wife, who asks if it's because she overcooked her roast.
• What happens when you date a hot girl with a bad laugh? Well...

93. - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

• When Bill visits Peter in the hospital, Peter confuses him with Ronald Reagan.
• Bill and Peter getting high, then the former talks the latter into stealing a pig so they can eat it.
• The Chuck E. Cheese sequence.
• Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Conway Twitty. The first time, anyway.
• Peter brings the pig that he and Bill tried to kill and eat home with him:
  Chris: (offscreen) Oh, boy, a pig! Can we keep it— OW, it bit me!
• The cutaway of Brian giving Lois a dead bird for Christmas, which she's revolted by. Chris is more receptive of Brian's gift to him, a dead cat, which he names Stickyhead.
• When Brian is unable to learn how to use the toilet, Lois makes him wear a diaper.
• "Hey Bill, you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois's purse, I don't think she'll notice because she's here HUMPING YOUUUUUU?!"
• Bill asking Lois if she's up for NAFTA: "'Nother afternoon fuckin' that ass."
• After Peter and Lois reconcile:
  Carter: Why are you naked inside my house?
  Peter: Uhh...why aren't you?
  Carter: (Beat) You're alright, Griffin.

94. - No Meals on Wheels

• When Peter gets tired of Mort borrowing stuff from the Griffins, he erects a "scare-Jew", which is a Hitler scarecrow. Mort buys it:
  Mort: Hey, guys. I just wanted to return your... Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler! He's back! He's back! Hurry, protect Jon Stewart! He's our most important Jew!
• "Decoys, Lois. Decoys!"
• Peter adopts puppies.
• Peter, after saying goodbye to Ben Stiller, watches him flying away to the sunset, and says, deeply touched: "His movies are terrible."
• "Men, form up Cripple-Tron!"
• Ben Stiller and his giant ears.
  Peter: Ben Stiller, help me!
  Ben: No, Peter. I heard what you said about my movies.
  Peter: How?
  Ben: Uh, HELLO!
  Peter: Go to hell, you mutant offspring of comedy people.
• The seemingly never-ending theme song to Maude is a hilarious Overly Long Gag. "Whew, that was an ordeal."
• M.C. Escher as a rapper
• Peter is approached by a wheelchair-bound Vietnam vet, who tells him, "I've seen some things, man, and I've seen some stuff. I wouldn't recommend it!"
• At the end of the episode, Peter apologizes to Joe about giving him and his wheelchair buddies a hard time, since he now knows what it's like being in a wheelchair. Joe accepts the apology and asks Peter if he wants to watch Grey's Anatomy with he and Bonnie. Peter replies, "Oh, boy, Joe, I... I got to tell you, that... that... that sounds awful." End of episode.

95. - Boys Do Cry

• Jake Tucker's audition for church organist. He needs the music sheet to be upside-down.
• Everything about the Super Devil, especially the picture of him having a beer with George W. Bush and his possession of a jar of marmalade that makes you commit adultery.
• Peter suggests that the family hide in "Imaginationland" where you burp when you fart and you fart when you burp. Cue a Cutaway Gag of Peter doing exactly that.
• Sneakers O'Toole.

96. - No Chris Left Behind

• Peter's reasoning for not liking The Nutcracker:
  Lois: Peter, a little culture is good for this family. Besides, you liked The Nutcracker, didn't you?
  Peter: No, Lois, I did not. The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy. And-and with a name like The Nutcracker, I thought, "Oh, this will be worth a few yuks." But no, Lois. That title wrote a check that those queers on stage refused to cash.
• The Founding Fathers doing roll call:
  Spokesperson: Okay. We're here to sign this Declaration of Independence. Let's take roll call first. Thomas Jefferson?
  Thomas Jefferson: Here.
  Spokesperson: Benjamin Franklin?
  Benjamin Franklin: Here
  Spokesperson: John Footpenis?
  John Footpenis: It's Hancock now!
  Spokesperson: Why?
  John Hancock: Mind your business, that's why!
• "What kind of freaking king lives next to the train tracks? What is this, Mexico?
• The time when Stewie got a job mocking obese people by following them around and playing what he thinks is a tuba, but is actually a sousaphone. He does the same thing to Chris at the end of the episode.

97. - It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One

• The Legion of Doom scene:
  Lex Luthor: How did she (Lois) discover our plan?
  Solomon Grundy: Me, Solomon Grundy, kind of dropped the ball on that one.
• Peter's cowboy song (both the edited version where Peter says they're having "cowboy gay sex" and the original version, which was "cowboy butt sex")
• The Griffins' previous family trip, when they were on the price climbing game on The Price is Right (the one with the yodeling paper doll).
• Brian and Stewie go berry-picking, and Stewie remarks that "once every hundred years in this spot, Donny Most rises from the mist." Cue Donny himself slowly emerging from the mist, complete with a gigantic background chorus singing about his role on Happy Days, all to the tune of the title number from Brigadoon. What makes it even better is that they got Most himself to do his single line:
  Chorus: Donny Most...Donny Most...he was Ralph on Happy Days. Donny Most...DONNNN-EEEE MOOOOST! Now he rises from the haze...
  Donny Most: Actually, it's Don Most now.
  (He slowly descends back into the mist)
  Chorus: Donny Most...Donny Most...SUNDAY, MONDAY, HAPPY DAYS!
• The guys talking about their work on Lois' campaign.
  Peter: Boy, you guys, I really appreciate all the help you've given us. Expect for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing.
  Quagmire: What the hell are you talkin' about? Lois is gonna get the entire female vote because of me. I've been having sex with every woman in town nonstop for the past two days. My God, if I tried to masturbate right now, you know what would come out? A little flag with the word "bang" on it.^note On the censored version, the line is changed to, "Do you know how many sperms I have left? One. Just one. And he's all alone and scared."
• Lois taking Brian out for a car ride.
  Brian: (Sees another dog in another car) Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Hey, hey, hey, HEY! There's another dog in that car! Hey, are you seeing that?! Hey, hey, hey! Other dog! FUCK YOU!
• "Go ahead, mock me. But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me... IT WAS GOD!"
• The effects of the dumping in Lake Quahog resuming is that Jake Tucker goes underwater and his face now looks normal when he resurfaces, but he freaks out as if the opposite happened.

98. - Meet the Quagmires

• When Death comes for Horace but finds that he's only unconscious, he says that he never likes to be too far away from Mike Wallace. Cut to Death sitting in a chair behind Wallace as he's writing on a typewriter.
• To test the changes in the timeline that Peter created, he and Brian watch The Tonight Show, which features George Clooney, Dave Chappelle, and Harry Connick Jr., but Peter decides that they messed up when it turns out that it's now hosted by Chevy Chase.
• Another change is that Al Gore is now President, and he personally hunted down and killed Osama bin Laden with his bare hands after finding him hiding among the cast of MADtv. Quagmire considers it the perfect hiding spot, as it's the one place no one would ever look.
• The alternate versions of Chris, Meg, and Stewie look the same as their normal selves, but they all have Quagmire's chin.
• The Jetsons scene, which is even animated in the style of the show, where George calls Jane out for her always taking his wallet.
  George: No, no, I took this one out for you! You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet so you can go shopping!
  Jane: I was just gonna buy some groceries.
  George: Bull. Crap. ^note "Bull. Shit." in the uncensored version.
• When Peter asks Death to take him back in time again, Death says that it's been a busy day for him since Dick Cheney shot Antonin Scalia and the bullet went through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson. Brian, preferring that such right-wing talking heads be dead, tells Peter that he can't go back to save his marriage to Lois now, but Peter goes through with it since he doesn't know who any of those people are.
• The first time Peter tries to correct the timeline, he makes Lois mad by saying that he'd prefer watching Krull over Zapped! (1982), the second time he farts and ruins the moment, and the third time he blows her off to go dancing. Later, when Peter says that he thinks he knows how to stop Lois from falling in love with Quagmire, he goes dancing again, and Brian yells at him to get to the country club.
• After Brian's rendition of "Never Gonna Give You Up", it cuts to a shot of the audience, standing still and gaping. After a few seconds, we hear a random person say, "I didn't like any of that." It's just the way he says it that makes it so funny.
• When it looks like Peter fixed the timeline, it turns out that he's now in a Close-Enough Timeline where Roger Smith lives with the Griffins, asking who ate all the pecan sandies.

Season Six

99. - Blue Harvest

• "Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky..."
• "Renegade paragraphs floating through space"◊

100. - Movin' Out (Brian's Song)

• Stewie as a paper route.

101. - Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air

• To build his men's club, Peter took out a huge portion of the wall of Stewie's room. Stewie is alarmed and says that he doesn't like change.
• Herbert at his stand singing "YMCA".
• In the Men's Club, Peter realizes he's sick of constantly talking about sex and tries to find a new, somewhat off-kilter topic.
  Peter: Okay look, how about this: who would you rather start a small business with? Janet Reno after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name Is Earl?
  Quagmire: That still sounds like a sex question.
  Peter: It is not.
  Quagmire: Well then what the hell does "safari" have to do with it?
  Cleveland: What's the guy from Earl's credit rating?
  Peter: 650.
  Cleveland: That's not bad.
  Joe: Better than mine.
  Cleveland: Does he have an idea, or do I have to come up with it myself?
  Peter: He's got an idea, but it's not quite there.
  Quagmire: I'd have to give it to Janet Reno, because I've always had this business plan for home delivery of prescription medications, and that seems more her market.
  Joe: (fed up) This is stupid, I wanna talk about VAGINAS!
• For Joe's surgery, Dr. Hartman puts on an instructional video starring Jamie Farr.
  Farr: Hi, I'm Jamie Farr, and you're about to perform leg surgery. First off, what's your name?
  Dr. Hartman: Dr. Hartman.
  Farr: Great name, but I'm gonna call you "pal".
  Joe: NOOOOO! [passes out]
• Cleveland complains about shows that cutaway from the plot for "random bullshit", only to cut to Hitler on a unicycle juggling fish. Later, when Peter says that re-crippling Joe is right thing to do, like taking out Hitler, we cut to this again, only for Peter to run up and knock Hitler out.
  Peter: See? We had a plan for that all along.
• Peter going through puberty:
  Young Peter: (child voice) Hey, you guys feel like playing some base— [suddenly changes to adult voice] ball? Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate.
• Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire try to re-cripple Joe but they only succeed in getting their asses beaten. Then when Bonnie has had enough...
  Joe: Bonnie, what the hell? Put my gun down!
  Bonnie: Not until I have my husband back!
  (Joe runs but Bonnie fires... and the bullet hits Joe's ass)
  Joe: AAH! MY PERFECT ASS!
  Bonnie: Oh, I'm sorry, Joe! I was aiming for your spine.
  (Bonnie shoots twice more, getting Joe's shoulder and upper arm)
  Joe: AH! DAMMIT!
  Bonnie: Joe, I'm so sorry! I'm a terrible shot!
  (Bonnie fires three more times, shooting his thigh, foot, and ear)
  Joe: Oh, for God's sakes! Just gimme the gun! I'll do it myself!
  (Bonnie hands him the gun, he shoots his spine and he collapses)
• Joe's line from Gene Kelly's "Good Morning".
  Peter: When the band begins to play, the stars were shinin' bright!
  Glenn: But now the milkman's on his way, it's too late to say good night!
  Joe: SO SAY GOOD MORNIN'!
  Glenn: AHH! Good mornin'! [starts sobbing] Sunbeams will soon smile through...

102. - Stewie Kills Lois

• Peter listening to "Hello" by Lionel Richie and crying:
  "Oh god, Lionel you have been hurt. You have been hurt by somebody that much is clear. Who hurt you? (whispering and rocking back and forth) Who hurt you? Whohurtyouwhohurtyou?"
• When Peter and Lois leave on their cruise: BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE! Throughout the scene, Peter throws confetti, a chair, a table, a chest, and one of the passengers.
• While thinking to himself how he's gotten away with murder, Stewie notices the echo, so he makes the most of it: "Piiiiigs In Spaaaace!"
• Not knowing that Lois is presumed dead, Chris says that the last time he saw her was when she took him back to school shopping. We're treated to Chris talking to Joe, who is dressed as Lois:
  Joe: Alright, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors, and slacks?
  Chris: I want blue jeans.
  Joe: You're getting SLACKS!
• When it becomes apparent to Brian that Stewie was responsible for Lois's death, Stewie creepily rotates his head until it gets stuck turned on its left side. From that angle, he can hear Meg in her room, about to, in her words, pretend that a pack of frozen hot dogs is the Knicks.^note In the censored version, she says this in the hallway while on the way into her room, but the intention is still apparent. The brick falls back down later in the episode when it's noted that the Griffins are getting through hot dogs very quickly...
• The judge has had enough of the Kool-Aid Man interrupting court proceedings:
  Judge: Okay. Can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fuckin' Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showin' up! Thank you.

103. - Lois Kills Stewie

• While accessing the CIA's files, Stewie is interrupted by Clippy, the former Microsoft Word assistant, who asks if he needs help taking over the world.
  Stewie: Go away, you paper clip! No one likes you!
• While tied up, the Griffins decide to start a rumor that Rob Schneider pays migrant workers to choke him in the shower, which later turns out to be true.
• After taking over the world, Stewie makes it the law that all milk must come from Hilary Swank's breasts, that anyone who sees Peter must throw apples at him, and that anyone who uses the terms "irregardless", "a whole nother", or "all of the sudden" will be sent to a work camp.
• In the DVD exclusive song "I've Got a Little List", he takes it even further by singing about a list of "undesirables" that he aims to "bump off" in a sequence of brutally violent ways.
  Stewie (In song): There's the foul-smelling boy who comes to school in camouflage. And every bleeding member of the cast of Entourage. (they all fall and get impaled by spikes)
  And while we're on the subject, HBO deserves a whack, for ending The Sopranos with a fucking cut to black! (Shoots gun at the screen.)
• In the Extended Cut, too controversial to say on TV, Stewie outlaws sexual intercourse, saying anyone who is caught having sex will be executed. The scene immediately cuts to Quagmire who has clearly lost his mind with panic and is making hundreds of paper cranes to take his mind off of sexual intercourse.
• During Lois and Stewie's fight, Lois shoots several presidential portraits with a minigun while trying to shoot Stewie, then takes the time to completely destroy the portrait of George W. Bush.
• The very last line of the episode has Stewie mentioning the above-mentioned (infamous) end of The Sopranos.
  Stewie: Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid-sen— (cut to black)

104. - Padre de Familia

• At the Veteran's Day parade, Peter gets to try "The John McCain Experience", where he gets in a cage and a Vietnamese man pokes him with a stick as he whines that he wants to be president.
• Peter's reaction to finding out he's Mexican. Watch it here.
  Peter: *Laughs* Looks like I got myself in a bind, how will I get outta this one? Stay tuned, *sings* 'cause we got Cleveland and Quagmire and Joe and Mort, AND ALL YOUR CARTOON PAAAAALLS!

105. - Peter's Daughter

• "Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your coma's in a daughter."
• The 'Over' scene where Brian and Stewie fix a house.
• The Alien Queen talking with Bruce's voice might be the funniest Cutaway Gag in this episode.
• The 72 virgins in Heaven. It's just a bunch of nerds playing Magic: The Gathering.
  Terrorist: OSAMAAAA!
• Rides a ten speed everywhere guy.
  Trisha Takanawa: What kind of cancer?
  Ten Speed Guy: It's rectal cancer, it's slowly eating away at my lower insides, uh, it's a quick process, both painful and untreatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape.
• While getting a wedding cake for Meg, Peter says that there were no more bride or groom Cake Toppers, so he decorated it with an action figure of The Iron Giant and a doll used by children in courtrooms to show where the perpetrator touched them.
• Peter starts to cite a gut feeling about what he should do, and goes on a tangent about what his gut is telling him right now is that he has a case of, the words appear on his stomach as a deep commercial voice laments, INDIGESTION. It also turns out that he has a case of DIARRHEA.
• Lois nonchalantly confessing to Meg that Chris was the result of her drinking and smoking while pregnant with him and chickening out halfway through it.

106. - McStroke

• When Peter's new mustache gets burned off, the next day he replaces it with Brian duct-taped to his face.
  Brian: Lois, would you mind calling the police?
  Peter: Shut up, mustache!
• After Peter crashes his car by a river while having a stroke, a rowing crew goes by.
  Coxswain: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!
  Peter: Stop mocking me!

107. - Back to the Woods

• Brian showing Stewie 2girls1cup.
  Stewie: Oh, I'm never going to be able to eat ice cream aga-OH MY GOD!!
• When Peter is being arrested for trespassing on James Woods's territory (who is posing as Peter), Joe tells him to strip:
  Joe: Take 'em off, right down to the poop sack. (awkward looks from Peter and James Woods) ...You don't all wear a poop sack? DAMMIT BONNIE, YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THE POOP SACK!!!
• Peter sneaking into his house by disguising himself as Scooter, a friend of Chris. James Woods is fooled... at least until he asks "Scooter" to remove his cap. After James chases him out with a shotgun, Peter rides down the street with a Big Wheel which breaks under his weight.
• Peter steals James Woods' identity and gets revenge by ruining his career. He does so by announcing "his" new comedy, September 11th: Two Thousand FUN.
  Peter (posing as James Woods): "I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and whaddya think I see comin'? A plane. And I go, 'Come on!' I-it's real old style comedy, you know? It's like two pies in the face...and one in a field in Pennsylvania."
• The plane is voiced by David Spade. Woods' reaction really sells it because even though his reputation is about to crash and burn, it's the statement that he'll be working with David Spade that makes it sound like Peter really crossed a line.
  James Woods: What?! I would never work with David Spade! That...dwarf, that...skinny chicken-shit..!
• James Woods falling for the same exact trap from his last appearance.
  Peter: Okay. Next time let's remember this right away, because he's done this twice.
  

108. - Play It Again, Brian

• Herbert reads to Chris a bedtime story, and whistles a Peter and the Wolf tune. After a short pause, Chris finally asks him: "Are you a pedophile?"
• Peter watches BET's newest earth science program, "Damn, nature! You scary." (from 0:59)
• Stewie high at a Grateful Dead concert:
  Stewie: (eyes extremely dilated) Does anyone wanna buy my shirt?! I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese!

109. - The Former Life of Brian

• The Cutaway Gag involving the "two foreign guys down at the coffee shop who've been living in the US almost long enough to sound American," which somehow resembles a purely dialogue-based version of the Uncanny Valley.
  Guy 1: Oh man, what a good bunch of partying at that discotheque. They played one of my audience requests.
  Guy 2: Way awesome! I myself drank like five liters of beer. Any more and I would have ended up in hospital, man.
  Guy 1: Oh you said it, friend, but I wanted to stay, because I almost had sex on this girl.
  Guy 2: Oh yeah, but it was so expensive. Each drink was like six dollars-forty!
• There's something strangely funny when Brian's potential date said that magic is sexy. But the real laughs came when Peter dresses up as Count Dracula with a big groin (Count Crotchula) for Halloween:
  Brian: Peter, that costume doesn't make any sense.
  Peter (defensively): Don't stifle my creativity!
• Dylan apparently tied Meg to a chair in the basement and forced her to watch the other 178 hours of Monty Python material that isn't funny or memorable:
  Character on TV: I have a pet hedgehog named Zippy, and I shall walk her to town. And each time my foot hits the ground, I shall say, "Boing! Boing! Boing!"
  Meg: I'm a girl! I don't even like the good Monty Python sketches!
• "My pot! Your pot?"
• I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
  Peter: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shuttin' your vag.
  Lois: What?
  Peter: What?

110. - Long John Peter

• "Anna took a dump on me!"
• When Chris sees Anna for the first time, he imagines himself singing "Crazy for You", with Cleveland, Joe, Quagmire and Mort randomly popping up to provide background vocals.
• Peter meets a parrot at the vet and steals it, then replaces it with a small dog and gives the dog a mustache and top hat.
• When Peter introduces his friends to his new pet parrot "Adrian Beaky".
  Parrot: Pick a lane, bitch.
  Peter: Ha-ha, isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.
  Parrot: I have to pee. Where's that Snapple bottle?
  Peter: (laughs)
  Parrot: I had a gay experience at camp.
  Peter: (laughs nervously) We had the radio on and they were talkin' about some goofy stuff.
• At one of Chris' dates, Peter sings a nonsensical rendition of "Land Down Under" ("Look at me with a brand new Hyundai!")
• In order to have an excuse to see Anna at the vet, Chris injures Brian by whacking him with a chair.
  Brian: Is there any more coffee?
  (smash)
  
  Chris: Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling too well.
  Brian: (severely disfigured) Fuck. You.
  • This is followed by Brian collapsing onto the floor and Stewie kicking him in the gut.

Season Seven

111. - Love, Blactually

• When Brian is very clearly lying about thinking Loretta is beautiful, his nose steadily grows Pinocchio-style.
• The scene at Fjurg's Bakery, where Fjurg's unusual way of pronouncing words makes for a hilarious conversation.
  Fjurg: Halloo, welcome to Fjurg's bockery. Would you like a nice hot piss of pee? It's on the hoose!
  Brian: What?
  Fjurg: (drops pie slice on Stewie) Oh, noo! You're covered with my hot pee! You can wash yourself off in the waiter clooset.

112. - I Dream of Jesus

• Huh...that's odd, we seem to be missing a certain ornithological piece....a headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety...
  • What are you talking about?
  • Oh, have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard.
  • Heard what?
  • BRIAN DON'T—!
  • A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, well, the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, well, the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a don't you know about the bird? Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a...
  • Oh my God, Peter! Are you all right?!
  • A-ba-ba-ba-ba ooma mow mow, ba-ba ooma mow mow, ooma mow mow ba-ba ooma mow mow....
  • Stewie putting a gun in his mouth as Peter continues with the bridge of the song.
    Adam West: My God, is it possible? *to his aide* Have the boys at the lab confirm this!
    Scientist: Sir, our math shows that the bird is equal to or greater than the word.
    West: CHECK IT AGAIN!
  • Brian and Stewie's utter ownage of that record, set to Geto Boys' "Still".
    • The fact that they proceeded to do the same to every copy of the record in three stores.
  • "I took it to bed last night, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms and now it's gone!" - Peter, talking about the record.
• Jesus having dinner with the Griffins:
  Meg: I love you, Jesus!
  Jesus: I love you too, fella.
• At the end of the episode:
  Peter: Well, I guess that's it, then. Jesus is gone.
  Lois: I sure am gonna miss him.
  Peter: Me too. Although, he did give me something right before he disappeared.
  Lois: What?
  Peter: Something very special, Lois.
  Meg: What is it, Dad?
  Peter: What, you haven't heard?
  Stewie: FUCK!!!^note "CRAP!!!" in the censored version
  Peter: A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word, a-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word, a-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word....

113. - Road to Germany

• Stewie's European See 'n Say.
  See 'n Say: The cow says: "Shazoo!"
  Stewie: It most certainly does not!
  • Leading to a Brick Joke later, after the time machine.
    Brian: Where are we?
    Cow: Shazoo!
    Stewie: Okay, we're somewhere in Europe.
• The 99 Luftballoons reference:
  German Scientist: Ve're having much better luck creating zis impressive collection of wan hundred luftballoons!
  [One goes pop]
  German Scientist: Ah, damn.

114. - Baby Not On Board

• The part with the tropical birds. "My tropical bird collection, just in case." "Just in case WHAT? We're not gonna need a dozen tropical birds." "Oh, I was not aware that you could see the future, Lois. Can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number? Stupid woman."
• Peter waking everyone up with a trumpet. (uncensored version only)
• With the house to himself, Stewie decides to look through one of Chris's Hustlers so he can know what a vagina looks like... and is so horrified that he shoots it to pieces with an SMG.
  Stewie: You... can't hurt anyone... anymore.
• When Peter and Quagmire call each other from their cars, then they think someone is in front of (or behind) them and do things to each other. So Peter and Quagmire pull over...and start beating each other up!

115. - The Man With Two Brians

• The entirety of the Jackass stunts at the beginning.
• The ending. You can see New Brian slowly pressing Stewie's Berserk Button hard enough to break the console. The cut to the aftermath is purely supplementary by the end of it.
  Stewie: ...What did you say?
• The fact that none of the family members question how New Brian died despite his “suicide note” stating that he killed himself, chopped himself up, and put himself in the garbage pretty much makes the ending. Not even Lois raises an eyebrow at it.
  Lois: Oh my god! Suicide! How could we have misjudged him so severely?

116. - Tales of a Third Grade Nothing

• Peter must repeat the third grade and, as such, must attend show and tell. One girl shows the class her Malibu Barbie doll.
  Peter: Oh, my god. Who the hell cares?
• When Peter talks to the Human Resources guy, he - in mid-conversation - gets crushed by a piano. What Peter says is the real kicker:
  Peter: Next time you get a fortune cookie, don't open it. [walks away, making accordion noises with every step he takes]
• Yosemite Sam trying on a pair of skinny jeans:
  Sam: Whoa, these are the tightest, penis-compressingest, sperm-killingest, testicle-grippingest jeans I've ever tried on!
• After Peter graduates from 3rd grade, Angela reminds him that he's still going to prison for earlier inadvertently blowing up a children's hospital and causing 19 fatalities. When the judge gives him only a week of jail time, Peter turns to the audience and winks.

117. - Ocean's Three and a Half

• Somehow, Susie is born with a wheelchair (the implication being that she somehow inherited Joe's paralysis, though she can move her legs perfectly fine in the following scene).
• Those two little boys getting drunk from vodka-laced lemonade.
• When Brian calls Stewie's song unoriginal for being named after a girl, he challenges Brian to name 20 other songs that did. And he does.
  Brian: Wow a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.
  Stewie: Name 20!
  Brian: Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From the Block.
  Beat
  Stewie: Name six more!
  Brian: Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.
  Stewie Name five more!
  Brian: Tracy, Jean, Jane, Mary Ann, Eleanor Rigby.
  Stewie [Throws guitar down] Go fuck yourself.
• Stewie makes a cover of Bryan Adams' "I Do It For You" set to an esoteric music video, which Brian says is the worst thing he's ever seen, surpassing Peter when he's frozen in sex face. Cut to Peter at breakfast with his face paralyzed in bliss.
  • During the end credits, Stewie says that he's over Susie because he's in love with Adams now.

118. - Family Gay

• Lois sends Peter to buy a single can of beans. He comes back with a horse that he got cheap because it's retarded.
  • When Lois begrudgingly lets Peter keep the horse:
    Peter: You'll see. This horse will make a fine addition to our family.
    (Horse pisses itself)
    Peter: You know what, I don't want him to feel self-conscious. Everybody pee.
    Lois: Peter, we...
    Peter: Everybody pee, NOW!
    Stewie: We're an unusual family.
  • The sheer, unfiltered bit of Crosses the Line Twice when Peter enters the horse in a race. All the horses are named after canceled Fox shows, so Peter named his 'Til Death because he's going to "take [it] and shove it down America's throat". He runs loose and the announcer describes him running down people in the stands, then trampling a class of deaf second-graders, then Peter declares the race over when the horse kills a woman's baby.
  • After the race, 'Til Death is shown to have died of a heart attack from the excitement, and Peter tries to get rid of his corpse by throwing it through the window of Mort's pharmacy. Mort laments that it used to just be a flaming bag of poop and a hurtful note.
• As part of the experiments he signs up for, Peter is injected with a squirrel gene, then with a Seth Rogen gene, which the doctor claims will give him the appearance of being funny, even though he hasn't actually done anything funny. His voice changes to that of the real Rogen and he grows a hairstyle and beard to match.
• Peter sings a little song to Chris: “Cos Brent can’t fit in the gloryhole and that’s why we all like Brent!” He blows two raspberries and ruffles Chris’s hair.
• When the gay gene wears off while Peter is in the middle of an "11-way", he runs out of his lover's apartment naked, then runs back to grab the two bundles of pink balloons he bought.
• At the end of the episode, Mort throws 'Til Death through the Griffins' window.
  Mort: Take back your fucking horse!

119. - The Juice Is Loose

• Brian making Stewie give an interview to mess with him.
• OJ killing three people for no apparent reason after making an inspiring speech about being innocent.

120. - FOX-y Lady

• Lois recreates Peter when he stubbed his knee.
• Ellen Degeneres is interviewing Seth Rogen but her fish breath is shown and Rogen is dismayed.
  Seth Rogen: What the fuck!
  • In the DVD version, he adds “Did you eat pussy backstage?”
• Commissioner Gordon taking a poop.
  Batman: Ugh, I do not need to know about that.

121. - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

• After being outed as an atheist, Brian's Prius gets thrown through the front wall of the Griffin house.
  Brian: I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius.
  Peter: Ha!
• Meg brings in Jeremy Miller from Growing Pains to substitute for Kirk Cameron so Brian would convert to Christianity.
  Meg: Brian, Kirk Cameron is the one who converted me, but unfortunately he's not available, so I got his younger brother from Growing Pains.
  Jeremy Miller: Will you guys buy me a case of Sudafed?
  Meg: Don't you wanna tell Brian about Jesus?
  Jeremy: They got my picture up at the drug store and they won't sell me any Sudafed. I'll make it worth your while.
  (Alan Thicke pops out of nowhere)
  Alan Thicke: (swinging his head around) Ben?!
  Jeremy: Dad?
  Alan: Ben, what did I tell you about trading sexual favors for Sudafed?!

122. - 420

• Peter's list of celebrities he doesn't like. Apparently he really hates Chris Martin, to the point that he not only lists him twice, but also goes on to list "Chris Martin's parents" and "Chris Martin's ancestors". The list also refers to Rainn Wilson as "the forehead guy from The Office". Other noteworthy additions are "every rapper" and, of all people, Geoffrey Chaucer (a 14th-century writer best known for writing The Canterbury Tales).
• The anti-pot video Peter and his father-in-law Carter make where they imply that the Holocaust happened because Hitler smoked pot.
  Adolf Hitler^note dubbed over by Peter: Hey, I got a great idea! Let's kill six million Jews!
  German crowd^note dubbed over by Carter: Hooray! Yeah! Yeah, I'm on board! How did you come up with that?
  Adolf Hitler: I got the idea from...from smo...while...from while I was smoking pot! Anyone else who likes pot, reach for my joint!
  German crowd: Oh, there it is! Give us some of that!
  Adolf Hitler: Ha ha ha, perhaps later! Now let's go to France and steal all their objects de art.
  German crowd: Yay, alright, let's go to France!

123. - Stew-Roids

• World War V.
• Fred Flintstone's ass.

124. - We Love You, Conrad

• Lindsay Lohan taking a DUI rap for Mr. Magoo.
  Mr. Magoo: It'll be my 3rd strike! I can't go to prison, they'll rape me! And I'll never see them coming, I won't.
• Instead of breaking up with The Hills star Lauren Conrad, Brian invites her to the Griffin home for dinner. Stewie's response?
  Stewie: Say WHAAAAAAAT?!

125. - Three Kings

A. Stand by Me

• Naturally, the dead body the boys went to find is revealed to be Meg's. On inspecting it, Cleveland's character declares "He's nasty."
• Ace (Mayor West) and his gang composed of Beast-Man, Mer-Man, and, for some reason, Norm from Cheers.

B. Misery

• Peter's stab at Joaquin Phoenix.
  "Hi! Welcome back from commercials. Joaquin Phoenix if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trooper. And you passed our test, and you can be our friend."
• When Stewie (Annie) gets upset about Brian's (Paul) Ass Pull explaining how the character in his book series came back to life after he killed him off:
  Stewie: No, no, no. This won't do, Paul. You can't just have Snuggly Jeff magically brought back to life by a child's wish. It's insulting to the reader.
  Brian: What do you mean?
  Stewie: Well, it's just bad storytelling. Let's see. How can I explain this to you? Did you ever see the movie Contact?
  Brian: Yeah.
  Stewie: (becoming increasingly irate) So, like, they spent a trillion dollars building this mile-high space machine, and Jake Busey blows it up. So now they're all like, "Oh, no! We can't use the space machine." But then this other guy's like, "Hey, it just so happens I built another, identical trillion-dollar space machine at my own expense on the other side of the world." And we're supposed to believe no one noticed that? Well, I stood up in the theater, and I said, "No! You can't go into space because the machine already got blown up by Jake cockadoody Busey!" Start over!
• Following the Running Gag of Joe's character in each segment having functioning legs until they're rendered inoperable, Stewie shoots his legs with a shotgun.
  Joe: My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair!
  Stewie: No, you're not. (shoots Joe to death)

C. The Shawshank Redemption

• "Vagina-boob."
• In another "Hollaback Girl" reference, Peter plays the song from the prison loudspeaker, which Cleveland describes:
  Cleveland: To this day, I have no idea what that woman was singing about. Like, literally no idea. I don't know what a hollaback girl is, but I have to imagine it's a foul, disease-ridden thing that wears too much makeup to cover up the fact that it's a 47-year-old fish dog.
• When Peter is escaping, he sees Carter (the warden) watching Friends and waits for the percussion hit in the intro to come up before breaking the pipe open with a rock.
• Near the end:
  Peter (in letter): If you're reading this, you've gotten out. And if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to come a little further. You remember the name of the town, don't you?
  Cleveland: (Beat) CRAP!!^note "SHIT!!" in the DVD version

126. - Peter's Progress

• Slowly Rotating Black Man.
• Every time "King Stewie" is on screen.
• The Alan Rickman answering machine. "Do not, disappoint me."
• Peter reveals what his past life was: a strawberry that had an unfortunate encounter with a worm. Strawberry Peter's screams are funny enough when the worm burrows into him, but the next scene ramps it up with a shockingly amusing analogy.
  Strawberry Peter: (While crying and rocking back and forth in a shower) He was my neighbor, and he violated me! Now I'll never end up in a fancy pie!

Season Eight

127. - Road to the Multiverse

• An attraction at the state fair is a "half-man, half-clam", but when the Griffins come out of the tent, Peter complains that it was just Kim Cattrall sitting Indian style.
• Chris winning a Camp Gay man as a prize from the pitching booth.
• At the "guess your weight" booth, the carny running it guesses that Mayor West is 185 lbs. As it turns out he's only 15 lbs. because he's 95% helium, then he flies off and grabs a stuffed animal on the way.
• Stewie wins a pig competition using a muscular super-pig he got from another universe. The pig simply says "Oink." in a deep voice and punches Brian in the face.
• The first universe Brian and Stewie go to is one where the world is more advanced because Christianity was never invented. Quagmire, after having sex with a married woman, finds that he got AIDS, which in that universe is easily curable by just taking Tylenol.
• Disney-esque Family Guy. That is all.
  • ...Up until the end of that sequence. Everything up to that was bloody hilarious, though.
    • For some that bit just made it funnier.
    • Appalling and horrible, but hilarious.
    • And it's even funnier now that Disney owns Fox.
  • Peter looks like Doc!
• Or for that matter, Family Guy Robot Chicken style:
  Stewie: So, how does it feel to be on a major network for thirty seconds?
  Chris: Fuck you!
  • Made all the funnier when you realise who voices who.
• When Brian and Stewie are a real baby and a real dog.
  Stewie: Uh, Brian? This feels weird.
  Brian: Hit the button.
• Brian and Stewie arrive in a universe full of fire hydrants. Brian says he loves it, Stewie says he hates it. Then they arrive in a universe full of gay men, and they have the opposite opinion.
• In the universe where dogs own humans, Stewie says under his breath that he hopes the next universe he and Brian go to is all Koreans.

128. - Family Goy

• The normal opening is replaced with a parody of the opening of Superfriends, featuring Peter as Superman, Brian and Stewie as Batman and Robin, Lois as Wonder Woman, Chris as Aquaman, and Meg, who at the end is just standing there on the logo with the rest of the family.
• The sequence where Quagmire discovers internet porn. It was good for a twofer: first, there's the scene in the bar where you realize Quagmire, the pervert extraordinaire, has no idea that porn can be found on the internet, because he thought the internet was the same in the present as it was in the 90s. Then the scene later on where Peter sees him again after a long time...and he's got an absolutely massive left arm, making it canon that Quagmire is left-handed.
• When Quagmire thought he was getting the spin-off.
  "See ya later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn Giant Chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty — Hey, why's there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?"
• The fact that Peter falls in love with a cardboard cutout. Made even funnier by how Lois is so jaded by this point she just nonchalantly calls him an idiot.
• Lois wakes up to find that Peter tied her to a crudely-made wooden cross, then notices that it's made out of the pieces of Stewie's crib. Cut to Stewie lying on the floor of his room with the leftover pieces around him.
  Stewie: I hate it here.
• Peter fires at Lois with a sniper rifle and barely misses, then fires it at Mort. Mort doesn't mind because it's how people greet him, and Joe shoots at him from offscreen.

129. - Spies Reminiscent of Us

• When faced with a Potty Emergency, Peter tries to use Joe's toilet but finds that it's operated by a complex pulley system designed for Joe's disability. When he sees that there's two, Joe tells him that the second is for draining blood.
• During the end credits, the trigger phrase that activated Mayor West's brainwashing also works on Meg. She talks to someone on the phone in Russian, to which the person on the other end tells her "Shut up, 2476."

130. - Brian's Got a Brand New Bag

• ...Road House (1989).
  • ...Ghost (1990).

131. - Hannah Banana

• Chris tries to record the Evil Monkey coming out of his closet at night. What he gets instead is footage of Peter and Quagmire pulling a Warm Water Whiz on him followed by Quagmire punching him in the eye, Lois stealing some money from his wallet, and Herbert painting him in the style of "The Birth of Venus".
• When Chris finally captures the Monkey, Meg says that she thought she was the only one and reveals a much more vicious-looking monkey on a leash. Peter says that they're just doing Chris's monkey.
• The montage of Chris and the Monkey bonding includes them coming out of Meg's closet to scare her and she jumps out of her window in response, then them fishing where they find, kill, and eat Aquaman.
• When Peter and Chris have a falling out, Peter disguises himself as Chris and tells several of his schoolmates that he's gay. Chris retaliates by baiting Peter with a hat on a table placed between two logs. When Peter tries to get the hat, Chris cuts the rope and the logs come loose and crush Peter's head.
  Peter: (indifferent to his head having been crushed into a bloody mess) Who's laughing now? I got my hat.
• When the robot Miley Cyrus goes on a rampage from Stewie crossing her wires, the Monkey asks her to stop what she's doing, not just there, but also her show and music.
• After Miley is defeated:
  Stewie: You know, Brian, here's your shot. Go for it. [Miley explodes] Too late.
  [her hand falls from the sky]
  Brian: No, it's not.
• At the end of the episode, the Monkey moves into Jake Tucker's closet. Jake tells Tom, but Tom says that he just doesn't care.

132. - Quagmire's Baby

• From the subplot:
  Clone!Brian: Hey, Brian! Knock-knock!
  Brian: Uh, who's there?
  Clone!Brian: (farts)
  • Basically, ANYTHING that Clone Brian says.
• Peter, Joe, and Quagmire go to a strip club to make Quagmire feel better about giving his daughter away. Quagmire leaves and Peter and Joe deal with a teacher stripper... who really gets into her work.
  Stripper: You boys have been very naughty. I'm gonna have to assign you extra homework.
  (Cut to Peter's dinner table, where him and Joe are doing actual homework)
  Peter: Darn it! Fractions are so hard. What did you get for number four?
  Joe: SHE SAID DON'T SHARE ANSWERS!
• Quagmire finds another note after reading Candy's goodbye note.
  Quagmire: "Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a cоndоm, jer—..." ...oh, that's the note from earlier. I... need a file cabinet.

133. - Jerome Is the New Black

• The London Gentlemen's Club. Basically, imagine three guys just sitting around reading newspapers, communicating entirely in throat-clearing for about a full minute.
  • Also the fact that it gets progressively louder and then quieter.
• Joe's parrot:
  Joe: Yeah, don't do anything to ruin this, Peter. You know, the way you ruined my parrot?
  (in cutaway)
  Joe: (showing Peter a parrot) I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful?
  Peter: (suddenly leans towards the parrot) CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE!
  Parrot: Cripple!
  Joe: Dammit!
• Jerome's admission that he had "nasty-ass sex" with Meg. And the fact that Peter doesn't care.

134. - Dog Gone

• The absolutely masterful Brick Joke that is the father from The Family Circus.
  Brian: Lois was right. I'm not a writer. I'm a joke. I'm one big, fat, ridiculous joke.
  Bill from Family Circus: Well, maybe you just didn't try hard enough, Brian.
  Brian: ...You know what, Father from Family Circus? All you do is judge other people. Every day, in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face?!
  Bill from Family Circus: You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do. (He gets up and leaves)
  (One commercial break later, Peter is reading a newspaper and...)
  Peter: This is a very shocking Family Circus...

135. - Business Guy

• "I'm having a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack! You oughta know by now!"
• Hugh Laurie as Dr. House.
  Dr. House: House.
  Peter: Road House.
  Dr. House: That too.
  • Just about every scene with House. The literal version of him not playing by the rules, reviving the Road House (1989) gag, and him speaking in Laurie's natural, upper-class British accent after his "Scooby-Doo" Hoax is exposed.
• Carter happens to have several Video Wills ready for various specific situations that would result in him being dead or otherwise unable to run his company:
  • He erotically asphyxiated himself and died when the rope wasn't cut when he climaxed.
  • The train wasn't able to push the DeLorean up to 88 miles per hour and he's stuck in 1885.
  • He was eaten by sharks while snorkeling.
  • He was stabbed to death in a restroom at Toys 'R' Us.
  • He slipped on a 1940s roller skate in a hallway and presumably fell down the stairs.
  • Death by chocolate. He laughs to himself at how ridiculous that sounds but tells the cameraman to leave it in.
• The African-American heart monitor.
  • "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." (flatline) "Aw, he dead." And in the same episode:
    • "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's aight."
    • (Carter spazzing out and machine vocalizing) "GHOST DAD!"
• The German Bedtime Story is hilarious for anyone familiar with the real thing.
• Peter making Carter invite everyone to his house to watch The Big Bang Theory.
• At the end of the episode, Lois reveals that Peter can still keep the corporate jet, to which he excitedly jumps up in the air in celebration—however, when Peter stays up in the air, Lois questions him on how he's doing. Peter admits he doesn't know and reveals that he can't come down (which makes him scared). Peter tells Lois to get a scientist to try and figure out how to get him down, Lois leaves and Peter asks Brian and the kids if he's going to die like this.

136. - Big Man on Hippocampus

• In the DVD version, Chris says "Me masturbating" for the question "Name something you find in your bathroom."
• Stewie's answers, while Lois is playing Fast Money round on Family Feud, especially his fourth answer.
  Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.
  Lois: A chair.
  Stewie: My own feces.
  Dawson: Name a popular fruit.
  Lois: Orange.
  Stewie: Clay Aiken.
  Dawson: Something in your closet.
  Lois: Shoes.
  Stewie: Scary monsters.
  Dawson: Your favorite holiday.
  Lois: Christmas.
  Stewie: 9/11.
  Dawson: Something you do on the weekends.
  Lois: Go to church.
  Stewie: Black guys.
• Next up, Peter needs to score only one point to win after Lois guesses all the top answers.
  Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.
  Peter: Chair.
  Dawson: Try again.
  Peter: Big chair.
  Dawson: No, that's the same thing. Try again.
  Peter: High chair.
  Dawson: That's still a chair.
  Peter: Chair.
  Dawson: Say something other than chair.
  Peter: What if I can't think of anything?
  Dawson: You can pass.
  Peter: How do I pass?
  Dawson: Just say it.
  Peter: Say what?
  Dawson: Say pass!
  Peter: (beat) Chair.
• "You film buffs might enjoy this. Both [Peter O'Toole's] first and last names are slang for penis."
• Stewie being traumatized after Peter's attempt to change his diaper results in him putting it up Stewie's ass.
  Stewie: How am I going to get it out? I'd have to poop a diaper...into a diaper. That's how you end up in another dimension!
  Brian: Gee, that's rough.
  Stewie: I need a friend, Brian, like I've never needed a friend before.
• In one cutaway, a man on a plane is trying to quiet his crying baby, only to start crying himself when the pilot announces that the in-flight movie is Hancock.
• Brian says that when a woman's alone with Quagmire, sex with him is inevitable, and he compares it to a fat guy ordering dessert when everyone else wants to leave.

137. - Dial Meg for Murder

• The Take That! at "Not All Dogs Go to Heaven", especially the Goofy part. "Be careful Brian. Not all dogs go to heaven."
• The scene where a breeding bull rapes Peter.
  Bull: Where you going, fatty? We're gonna have a party!
• The scene where a talking fly fails to exit the Griffins' house due to not finding the open part of the window.

138. - Extra Large Medium

• In a moment of Fake Interactivity, when Stewie makes a deep-sounding quote, he asks the viewers to answer who it came from. The options are Robert Frost, Henry David Thoreau, and Thornton Mellon. When two-thirds of the votes go to the third choice, he's not impressed.
  Stewie: Wow. You know who that is? You know who Thornton Mellon— first of all, it was Henry David Thoreau. But do you know who Thornton Mellon is? That was Rodney Dangerfield's character in Back to School. You feel good about yourselves? Huh? This is why the other countries are beating us, you know! So you know, you got only yourself to blame next time you go to the vet and complain that that Indian doctor is too rough with your cat.
• Bruce trying to find Jeffrey before it gets dark:
  Bruce: Jeffrey! Jeffrey, come back! It's gonna get dark soon! All this drama over a turkey burger?!
• Then Bruce inadvertently finds Chris and Stewie, and Jeffrey's response:
  Bruce: Jeffrey! I found that missing baby and boy!
  Jeffrey: I don't care!
• The Down Syndrome Girl song sung by Stewie is one of the funniest moments of the entire episode, in addition to being absolutely epic.

139. - Go, Stewie, Go!

• When Meg enters and sees Lois seducing Meg's new boyfriend.
  Lois: Um...rape?
  • Cue Seinfeld bass line.

140. - Peter-assment

• Terri Schiavo! Is kind of alive-oh!
• Peter getting punched by Ollie Williams.

141. - Brian Griffin's House of Payne

142. - April in Quahog

• Why Peter got kicked out of Coldplay: "Guys, guys, I got an idea! How 'bout we do a song that's not whiny bullcrap?"
• Peter thinks the world is ending, so he decides to go to a black neighborhood and shout out the N-word. The next scene has Lois in the kitchen when Peter walks up with a crown, ermine cape, scepter, and a sash reading "King of the Black People".
  Peter: They respected me for saying it.
• When Peter is about to go to jury duty, he makes a remark that "even the vending machines are out of order." Brian laughs like Muttley from Wacky Races in response.
• Adam West making an angry letter to the black hole before donning a fishbowl helmet and jetpack, flying into space and punching the Orion constellation. It then turns into the Orion Pictures logo.
  Adam West: That's right! All you are is a failed production company!
• Peter does crystal meth twice, and so does Brian at the end.
  Peter: I am SO fucking ready! (jumps through Stewie's ceiling)
  Stewie: When you jumped through my ceiling you let in an owl. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw up half-digested mice.
  • Later, Brian enters the house high on crystal meth, saying he just found the greatest stuff in the trash.

143. - Brian & Stewie

144. - Quagmire's Dad

• Brian's 26-second long puking.
  • Also noteworthy is Brian and Stewie's panicked, disgusting screaming immediately upon the discovery as to why he was puking. He did a transgender woman. Not just ANY transgender woman: Quagmire's dad.
    • Which leads to a ton of Dramatic Irony.
      Brian: AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
      Stewie: Oh, what?! What the hell?! What's wrong with you?!
      Brian: I HAD SEX WITH HER!
      Stewie: WHAT?!
      Brian: I HAD SEX WITH HER AT THE MARRIOTT!
      Stewie: AAAH! WHY?!
      Brian: I DIDN'T KNOW! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HER!
      Stewie: OH MY GOD!
      Brian: AAAAHH!
      Stewie: AAAAHH!
      Brian: AAAAHH!
      Stewie: AAAAHH!
      Brian: HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?! WHEN THEY MOVE TO A NEW PLACE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTIFY THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD, THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!
      Stewie: HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY MOVE, HE'S JUST VISITING!
  • Oh, and when Quagmire finds out about it...
• The scene from the [adult swim]/DVD version of the beginning of that episode, in which multiple puns are made upon the fact that the French word for seal, "phoque," sounds a lot like a certain English profanity. Spoiler alert: "fuck."

145. - The Splendid Source

• One of the ways Quagmire uses the dirty joke on Peter is by paying Freddy Krueger to tell the joke to Peter while he's dreaming, which results in Peter soiling the bed. Upon waking up, Lois scolds Peter for it.
  Peter: (while trembling and clutching the bedsheet) When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real.
• The guys' search for the source of the dirty joke takes them to a certain bar in Virginia.
  Peter: Cleveland?
  Cleveland: Hey, fellas!
  Peter: Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you? Except everyone 'cause FOX ruined it in the promos.
• Peter's plan to escape the cell. He asks Cleveland if he has a pencil and then immediately stabs him with it. It actually works, despite Cleveland's protests. And the first chance Cleveland gets, he returns the favor.
• In order to get away from the people who write the world's dirty jokes (who are holding them prisoner), Peter throws a candle which starts the building on fire.
  Leader: Oh my god! It's heading towards the first dead baby joke ever written!
  (cut to show a papyrus containing a joke that appears to have been made in Ancient Egypt)
  Woman on Papyrus: Oh no. My baby is dead.
  Man on Papyrus: Ha.

146. - Something, Something, Something, Dark Side

• The Star Wars-esque intro credits referencing 20th Century Fox's money-making decisions:
  Are you listening, stockholders? How can you invest in a company that makes such short-sighted decisions? I mean, this is the same company that cancelled "Family Guy" twice. Who's running that joint? Monkeys? I mean, if they're gonna be that foolish with their money, then I guess that means we can be foolish with their money, too. Like spending a bunch of it to animate a computer-generated elephant that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode. (cue appearance of CGI elephant) Did you see that? Know what that cost? $58,000.
• This scene featuring Luke's snowspeeder gunner, Dack.
  Dack: Feeling okay, sir?
  Luke (Chris): Just like new. How about you, Dack?
  Dack: I feel like I could take on the whole empire myself.
  Luke (Chris): Really? 'Cause that would be awesome. Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got this one!
  Dack: You know it, bitches! (flies off to face the incoming fleet of Star Destroyers) Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack! (is immediately destroyed by one shot from a Star Destroyer)

147. - Partial Terms of Endearment

• Meg mentions that she dated the Count.
  (Meg undoes her shirt)
  Count: One nipple! Ah ah ah ah! Two nipples! Ah ah ah ah! Three nip—oh hell no, I'm outta here.
• The ending.
  Lois: Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure, having a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers, and crying, and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots, and mumps, and driver's ed, and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in a back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return.
  Peter: (to audience) She had the abortion. (end credits)

---